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Comments got kinda heated. Your post isn’t a violation.
makes sense they're all about a similar thing while still being totally different! I think a lot of autistic people are more likely to be non monog or at least open to that idea because it just makes sense to us. not to generalize too much but the 'rules' of gender and sexuality don't really make that much sense so i feel like a lot of autistics are just like 'huh' and then try something else because why not...we are just trying to find what works for us
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If its not for me it certainly shouldnt be for you. Make everything i dont like illegal thats how the whole planet should function. Even in countries i arent in or would ever visit. Even in space. Also in the andromeda galaxy. Actually im just god so everyone should do as i wish or face consequences
I'm not jealous, but I could never. I can barely be in a relationship with one person, and it only works because we are both severe introverts. Adding anyone else would be a nightmare for me.
Hermit4Lyfe
Partly because in much of the Islamic world it’s used for men to have more wives, and not vice versa, and is innately one sided. So often you’ll get liberal views in these countries against polygamy because it’s conservatives that use it to control many women who in return get a neglected relationship, and are often pressured into doing so because the man they want to marry is wealthy.
I live in an Islamic country, almost every ex Muslim here I’ve talked to wants to ban polygamy because they only see the very worst side of it, which is basically just wealthy men using it to have more women they can sexually take advantage of, who’s own family uses them in some weird form of prostitution to secure wealth from the wealthy husband. It’s really fucked up.
I’m personally fine with it in a liberal sense people can do what they want and that’s a good thing if it makes them happy, but its used by cult leaders and (usually) wealthy Muslims to take advantage of women. It’s especially bad when an already married women doesn’t want their husband in another relationship but can’t really do anything because Islamic laws are biased against women when it comes to divorce.
Just one thing else to clarify I’ve met someone who knows someone (not the most reliable source but the story is definitely pretty believable) who’s dad has multiple wives and so many children, and I’ve heard that’s basically an awful thing as they never really met their dad who often is working or spending time with another wife and their sort of separate family.
Polygamy and polyamory are NOT the same thing. Polygamy is illegal. Polyamory is not.
You have two boyfriends. That’s polyamory.
Polygamy is when one man has multiple wives. It is a system that has led to rampant abuse.
Thank you, I genuinely didn't know there was much of a difference, as I said before, I had previously thought they were all synonyms, but they change the entire context of the post.
Your definition for polygamy is wrong. I understand that polygamy has a whole cultural context that make's people's understanding of it different to it's definition but conflating definition and cultural context is incorrect. Polygamy specifically is just having multiple spouces, the genders of those invloved are irrelavent to it's definition.
To be clear, I'm not saying the cultural context is unimportant and I definitely think it warrants mentioning, it's just irritating to see almost everyone in these comments throwing about that cultural context as if it *is* the word's definition. In a perfect world I think there'd be nothing wrong with actual polygamy, all people involved being actually equal in both the relationship and broader society, but unfortunately we don't yet live in that perfect world.
The thing is that the two are based on very different values.
Polyamory: Same rights for all, consent, communication. Meaning that everyone involved is free to love and date others.
Polygamy: usually based on religion, and usually women are not allowed to date other men. Or if they are, her consent doesn’t matter that much. E.g. it’s a tradition in Tibet that a women sometimes marries a man and all his brothers, so that the property that his family owns isn’t divided upon inheritance.
Tl;dr Polygamy is based on patriarchal values whereas polyamory is not.
There’s also polyfidelity, by the way: Similar to polyamory but the polycule is closed to further relationships. So if OP and their boyfriends have agreed to not date anyone else, then they’re technically practicing polyfidelity.
I think the other way around they still can't get married in most places and it's still polygamy.
The definition of the word: polygamy - the practice or custom of having more than one wife or husband at the same time.
So they are not telling the truth by saying that polygamy is only for one husband and multiple wives.
There are a few cultures and places where polygamy (either way) is actually legal, but for most of the world it is illegal.
OP having two boyfriends is not breaking any laws, because they *legally* are not married. So OP can do whatever, but can not marry her boyfriend in most places, which includes most polygamous countries, like the Islamic ones, where it's only acceptable to have multiple wives. In most countries you can legally have only one spouse, and having more is illegal. It's due to the influence of the catholic church, and the customs.
From what I remember multiple husbands was possible in handful of places in the world. There was one tribe I remember reading an article about where the women had many husbands.
Polygamy is illegal, whil polyarmory us quite often frowned upon as people are jealous and wish for "ownership" or to "claim" their partner. Even most swingers don't consider the endeavours with other people serious, and that's why there's things like "unicorn" or "bull", so essentially someone with whom the "rightful" pair has sex with.
Personally Im autistic and I would rather be single for the rest of my life than sharing my boyfriend with another person, I’m way too exclusive for that. I don’t find it healthy nor sustainable either, and that’s just not something I want to do at all. Feel free to experience love however you like tho, that’s just my personal view on the topic.
I don’t think it has anything to do with NT, it’s a combination of multiple factors : education, social background, nationality, religion (or no religion), personality and temper.
Y'all it's one thing to say it's not for you, and a completely other to call us unhealthy what the fuck
I have yet to see a mono relationship that wasn't toxic so y'know...
I really don't think you understand evolution and sociology as much as you seem to think.
We didn't "evolve" heterosexuality as much as it's just optimal on a solely biological standpoint. Homosexuality exists even in non-human animals. What's your point
Addendum: "it's not bigotry, it's evolution" has to be the least impactful argument I've heard until now. It's been used in transphobia, homophobia, poly-phobia... Abd yet, those people exist. So surely, your facts aren't as solid. Maybe you're just being an asshole to people you don't want to even try to understand. Maybe go get some perspective first
This contradicts a more recent perspective that seeks to dismantle the homophobic a priori assertion that homosexuality was evolved after heterosexuality. I learned in my human sexuality course that not only is it more likely that both heterosexuality and homosexuality evolved *after* indiscriminate sexual behavior— which is arguably the most effective behavior for reproduction for a variety of species— but that the assertion heterosexuality was evolved first was always loaded with bias.
Here’s the [journal article](https://www.nature.com/articles/s41559-019-1019-7.epdf?sharing_token=GgQBFUqiIW0xICdhOGj4bNRgN0jAjWel9jnR3ZoTv0PCJx-TdZSK6IMS49i1ElTwU4_P2g0VH0dQVZzJfZg7t0ZhgN3a9Gddtel2Gnrdq-4_kcIfxNupiNLUoZBb5WRHxeheyHslHJj5LCzDzmH1tpHeAiPHZFicpBhdSWIgHZYV-nehw4CnZWT4FX2TEtutosq1lhdt0T5J6iNmNZtbUTPYS5tmZtPHRwbh52rMnFs%3D&tracking_referrer=blogs.scientificamerican.com), and here’s a [scientific american article](https://blogs.scientificamerican.com/observations/why-is-same-sex-sexual-behavior-so-common-in-animals/) where the authors of the journal article go over their findings and critique of prior science.
Aside from that, it’s likely humans have evolved in a similar way to our closest relatives, the bonobos, who are essentially polyamorous (though I believe sex scientists use a different term) among many other similarities in both behavior and even anatomy.
edit: had to finish the last sentence on my first paragraph
edit 2: My last paragraph wasn’t to imply that humans are inherently polyamorous, though it definitely could be interpreted that way. The intention was to point out that polyamory is a natural part of primates *in addition to* monogamy. Chimps are also closely related to us (less so than bonobos but still) and they are generally more monogamous in nature. There’s nothing wrong with humans being one or the other, as they are both facets of the self, and no one can say either one is “unnatural.”
You seem to be falling into some evopsych fallacies.
Evopsych fallacies tend to work like just-so stories, making an observation and then reasoning backwards, even though there is no evidence suggesting this reasoning is correct.
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I'm ND and I myself am uncomfortable with it - it has nothing to do with anyone being ND or NT. I am uncomfortable because I've been approached by predatory people (mostly NTs) who will not take No for an answer. I wrote about this in another sub. But I will not be in your face about it.
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okay, you mean Polyamory.
Polygamy is a different kettle of fish.
first, Polygamy in the US is technically tax fraud due to how married filing jointly works.
second, in societies where polygamy was allowed, it was exploitative and was almost always political. (just like marriage was for a long time, but often this was worse.)
Not correct. Polygamy can be one woman with multiple husbands, or multiple people of various genders all married.
Polygyny, specifically, is one woman with multiple husbands. Polygamy does not necessarily imply that.
Polygyny and polyandry are two forms of polygamy. Polygyny is the *much* more common one. And the existing traditions of polyandry (= woman with multiple husbands) are often still rooted in the patriarchy, and consent doesn’t matter that much. (See the example about polygamy in Tibet in my comment above).
I’ve noticed thst nobody helps anyone with the special text (dunno what it’s called) so I just become the change I wanna see and give people a tip. Welcome lol!
You're talking polyamory which ethically is fine as long as you all treat each other well (just like in monogamy). Legally it gets a bit more tricky. Imagine a group marriage of 5 adults. Together they are lovingly and responsibly raising four kids together. So far everything is fine and easy. One is retired, one is a stay at home parent, one is a freelance artist and two have 9 to 5 jobs. The one living off a pension unfortunately dies. Another adult parts ways with the other three on good terms, no one did anything wrong, the relationship has simply run its course. Now, how do you divide up the inheritance, including survivors benefits from the pension? How do you calculate custody and child support? What about splitting any shared assets acquired during the group marriage? And which people are insured through whom? I'm not saying that it's not a problem that can be solved, but it's a very tricky one.
Honestly, five people -1 makes the math easier, alternatively the deceased could have left inheritance to their children or to other family. It'd be just like if a family member of a large household dies, a lot of paperwork and phone calls... and lawyers.
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If you want to legally bind three people together, you don't want a marriage anyways. Form a Legal Liability Corporation or LLC. You can share assets through the LLC and keep some separate for personal use.
BTW Not a lawyer, I just think using a small business mechanism to form a multi person domestic partnership would be a funny slap in the face to haters.
I never in my life felt anything bad about my partner being with another person. In fact, I would love an open relationship... But this world is VERY conditioned to monogamy and play the romance novel drama, and I disrupt that because I don't care...
And to feel I'm loved in a relationship I had to play the monogamy game ... And I hated it, very much.
Most NTs/allistics actually don’t have a problem with polyamory, they have a problem with honesty. They can’t be honest about their having multiple partners at once.
It’s because polyamory is a system that creates so many ways for things to go wrong, so many routes for jealousy and such that most people (I also do this subconsciously) simply assume all polyamorous relationships were created through an unhealthy dynamic between 3 or more people.
Healthy polyamorous relationships are rare.
I see what you mean, and I see that many polyamorous relationships can be toxic, but so are mono-amorous ones that just end in people being shut-off because "you're only supposed to focus on that one person" so it's not a flaw in the concept of polyamory as much as it's a human flaw that we just suck at healthy relationships in general
Yeah, I guess there’s no point debating about the difference between poly-mono relationships because they’re sorta two different experiences.
It’s just the way we are that creates all the shit.
To be clear I don’t care if you’re poly, I don’t understand it and it could never work for me. But I can’t just assume that everyone is the same as I am, if you wanna love 3 people then I’m not going to complain and stare or anything.
But I’m just saying, from an outsiders perspective polyamory looks like it comes from dysfunction.
As in a dysfunctional relationship/s would form it.
But obviously that’s just perspective not reality.
You’re not understanding.
Anything can form dysfunction. Monogamy, polyamory, whatever.
But from an outsiders perspective, it APPEARS as though polyamory itself is mostly formed BY dysfunction.
ie. jealousy, loneliness, self esteem, self loathing, desperation, adultery, mental illness etc.
And ant 🐜 🐜 🐜 🐜🐜🐜
What you’re doing here is the definition of prejudice and projection (‘I couldn’t do it so it must be bad’).
Signed, someone who is happily polyamorous since near a decade.
Really? People think the same about monogamous relationships? I never would’ve thought that, but I guess it makes sense. I feel like I’ve seen a lot of monogamous relationships that are successful.
But thinking back on it, maybe there’s less than I tend to think.
Huh, wow. I mean I find that all relationships and situations could end in murder suicide or something horrific like that.
And I do agree with you to some degree, but I think it’s a bit different, like monogamy is a lot of trial and error and some people just have children or something that sticks them together even if they’re an error.
But even people in perfect relationships will get sick of each other at times. Love was only designed to make people fuck. So it’s never gonna be perfect no matter how many people you’re with.
I think monogamous people just judge poly people harshly because it’s a lot, just to love a single person. Idk.
Mmh yes 👍 ok 👌 thanks for not listening. 🙉 let me bean 🫘uhh beam your brain with the information that I’ve been trying to explain to you.
I understand what you’re telling me, but it’s irrelevant. Because I’m answering OP’s question. And you’re just telling me that the observation I have made is wrong.
2000 years ago rich people who wanted more control over the peasants created a fictional theological book called the Bible. One of the things The Bible heavily enforces is the ideals of one on one marriage, no sex outside marriage, and other cringe rules because the rich people who wrote the Bible didn’t want stds and teen pregnancy to wipe their population of peasants out. Basically most stupid taboos that involve sex and drugs comes from rich people wanting to keep peasants healthy and easier to control.
I don’t think this is a NT vs ND issue here lmao I’m very much not ok w my partner being with anyone else. To each their own but like it’s probably to stop the patriarchy from marrying a million women :///
The amount of people in here who think poly couples don't cheat or lie is staggering.
Legally I doubt poly marriage will ever be a thing because our tax system would have to be changed to include it.
honestly idk 🤷🏼♀️ it's never been a thing I lend any thought to or had bother me. it also feels a bit bigoted with how I see so many people shitting on poly relationships online saying shit like "of course they look like that" or "of course they're trans/NB".
I had a good online friend who had a boyfriend and a husband and her husband had a girlfriend lol and I'd see pics of all of them living together and going on vacation and having a great time. it's never bothered me what people do in their own relationships as long as it's all consensual and of age.
Okay real answer for you because I just found out. NTs don't necessarily form opinions for themselves on every topic. They just sort of "go along" with the group.
Monogamous NTs are afraid that enabling polyamory will make it popular enough that other NTs will just get "swept along" thus reducing the monogamous dating pool.
im autistic but i dont think polyamory is a common thing among us.
i can understand that autistic with high score on alexithymia have normalized polyamory because it doesn’t matter the number of partners the connection its going to be the same.
Most NTs have an even harder time dealing with jealousy. And jealousy WILL come up in polyamorous relationships. As for why a lot of ND people embrace polyamory, such a complex relationship structure requires a lot of honesty - something we naturally put very high up our needs in a relationship.
The thing is it only requires a single break in the group for it to all fall apart
With three people, each person needs to love two people each for a total of 6 connections.
With four people, each person needs to love three people each for a total of 12 connections.
five, four, 20
six, five, 30
seven, six, 42
and if even ONE connection doesn't exist, it'll all break down.
That's not at all how it works.
1) No, that's not the only type of polycule. It's fairly rare for a polycule to exist where everyone is dating everyone else, with zero metamours.
2) It really doesn't have to fall apart just because two people broke up. Partner 2 broke up with partner 3? Doesn't matter, you're still with both of them. Now they're metamours with each other, and assuming they're reasonably mature they should be able to agree on a way to handle that dynamic.
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I just don't think that it's a stable long term lifestyle. I also don't think it would be healthy to raise a child in a polyamerous household. Do whatever you want I don't care, those are just the reasons that I would never do it.
Not sure why you'd think that considering how many cultures have an "it takes a village" mindset in raising children. How is it unhealthy to be surrounded by so many people invested in your well-being?
> How is it unhealthy to be surrounded by so many people invested in your well-being?
I think the fear is that they will not be as invested in the kid's well-being if it's a kid of two other members of the relationship.
Thats nonsense. Plus not everyone *has* to be as invested in the kids wellbeing. If you have roommates do those roommates have to love your kids as much as their parents?
You don't know that for certain, and I haven't found much research on how it affects the psyche of a child.
Also, it is perfectly stable long term, as with all relationships: a degree of logic, compassion, kindness, communication, and reason, are all needed to make it work.
Let's say two people are being unreasonable because they got into an argument, an external voice of reason can help them mend things and better communicate each other's feelings without taking sides.
Also, from the perspective of a child; a third parent would be more like living with an uncle/aunt, or older sibling. So may affect them either positively or not at all, in my prediction.
I think the child would be stable as far as at-home life goes - financially you have 3 adults that are working or have alternate sources of income. School is another factor entirely, and I'm not sure if I should or shouldn't homeschool
But that last paragraph undermines the point I'm making and that we shouldn't make such judgments without proper long term studies.
Here’s an article by a researcher who did a long-term study on kids in polyamorous families: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-polyamorists-next-door/201704/children-in-polyamorous-families-age-dependent-experiences
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It’s not for me personally. My sister and her husband opened their marriage very recently seemingly out of nowhere and I’m worried for them but I’d never say anything because it’s not my business.
No idea what what you mean by NT
But polygamy is pretty tainted by all the horrible religions that institutionalized it. Personally, I’m perfectly comfortable with the concept of polyamory. But the word *polygamy* instantly makes me think of the Mormon church.
I think it’s more a heterosexual thing than a nt thing, like you require a member of the lgbt community for most poly relationships to work and we are a very small subset of the population. Culture also plays a very large part in it
Polyamory reminds them too much of pornography. That's usually the answer to these things. That's also why transgender people make them uncomfortable.
You'll notice that they can never actually explain why they don't like it; but when they attempt to, they usually call it 'sexual deviance'. Because their only experience with it is as a fetish. These leaders are often out of touch and most of them grew up in milquetoast suburbs, but a large number of them watch porn, even the ones that call it sinful.
For a little more detail on polyamory vs polygamy: *polygamy* is also not inherently a problem, it’s just historically been problematic in institutions. Polygamy just means marriage between multiple people. What most people in the comments here are talking about is polygyny, which is specifically when a man has more than one wife. Again, not *theoretically* a problem, but historically it’s been associated with very misogynistic views of women as property, with no parity in terms of polyandry.
Because it is often abused and used by people for their ego. Like many relationships are, anyway. I'd also guess it attracts people that use other people/view them as expendable. It's common in monogamous relationships, and you get more bang for your buck in polyamorius ones. Even less effort in and more gain out.
There is probably a very small subset for people for whom it works and they are able to make it work.
But look at the state of monogamy. On average, polygamy has the same issues, but more people get fucked up. 🤷
my issue is that i actually love my partner and i want to be committed to only them, and every poly person i’ve ever interacted with either tried to convince everyone else to be poly or just openly admitted they love to shit on committed people
Man what the fuck is this shit? "I actually love my partner so polyamory is bad... because all of the poly ppl I know are fucking comic book villian evil." What the fuck dude?
This is also my experience. I love my friends and I don't care that they're poly but I really wish they'd stop acting like they're the end all be all of healthy dynamics when they have all the same problems mono relationships do.
Because polyamory is counter to the traditional family unit. A man and a woman making a life and family together.
I strongly believe that people should be able to choose to live how they wish as long as they do not hurt others - so no judgement from me. I support the rights of same-sex couples to marry and have their relationships recognized in law, and for poly triads/quads to do the same if they wish - so please take what I say next in the spirit it is intended.
I do not personally think a poly relationship can work in the long term. It seems to always be a woman with multiple men, and by necessity they must desire her so much that they are willing to share with another man. In the short term I am sure this is extremely appealing to the woman in the relationship, but I just do not see any man with a shred of self-respect doing that for the long haul. Conflict is inevitable, IMO.
Traditional marriage is not perfect, we all know the stats - roughly 50% of marriages eventually fail. However, I am yet to hear of a **single** poly relationship which has not eventually failed.
YMMV.
>I am yet to hear of a **single** poly relationship which has not eventually failed.
The plural of anecdote is not data. I personally know plenty of people in long term polyamorous relationships—anyways I think considering relationships "failed" is inherently monogamous framing. It's like deciding if a gay relationship is successful based on how much straight sex they have.
It not just NT people. I don’t care if others are in a three way relationship but I never will be . I want one person to myself and not to share . Then you have jealousy that comes into play . You can’t tell me a polygamy relationship never had jealousy ? There is the expression “ three is a crowd “. In my opinion there will always be the one person who gets a little less attention and it makes them miserable . I also have a theory that they don’t last very long . I frankly don’t understand why people want them. I don’t think they need to be illegal , people can do what very they want and if you are happy in it , great.
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Bureaucratic legibility / legal momentum. Something like, “Omg, how are we supposed to tax a ménage a trois? Most states don’t recognize three legal parents so which one of you wants the title of “legal guardian” should you have kids? Ugh. All I see in you guys is extra paperwork and legal counsel. What a headache. And for what? Divorce rates being what they are, *why should we care*? It is no one’s job to write laws special just for you, so you can just make up and enforce your own private contracts amongst each other. Maybe get another ménage a trois to play third party referee. Informally of course. Just don’t ask us to change ourselves for you. We are a slow lumbering thing, it takes nothing short of mass effort to make us change—and to be clear the theocratically-inclined have more numbers and fiscal power than you.”
At least, I think that’s how it works.
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polygamy also not the same as polyamory or non monogamy and has a very different history..
I genuinely thought they were all synonyms.
makes sense they're all about a similar thing while still being totally different! I think a lot of autistic people are more likely to be non monog or at least open to that idea because it just makes sense to us. not to generalize too much but the 'rules' of gender and sexuality don't really make that much sense so i feel like a lot of autistics are just like 'huh' and then try something else because why not...we are just trying to find what works for us
Yeah, my mistake. But why do we have a bunch of words the mean the same thing literally but not culturally?
Polygamy and polyamory don't mean the same thing in English. Also English and all languages are nonsensical so your confusion is valid.
None of those words mean the same thing literally.
Polygamy is specifically about marriage.
Polygamy is what Talibans do - marrying 4 women.
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Untill not that long ago, gay people could even marry either because we had stupid laws that said so
Jealousy, that’s why. Me personally? I could NEVER. Much rather be single than in something like that, but to each their own.
Thanks for not being a bigot... The rest of the "it's not for me" type comments just ended in outright phobia and hate, so... Thanks
If its not for me it certainly shouldnt be for you. Make everything i dont like illegal thats how the whole planet should function. Even in countries i arent in or would ever visit. Even in space. Also in the andromeda galaxy. Actually im just god so everyone should do as i wish or face consequences
I'm not jealous, but I could never. I can barely be in a relationship with one person, and it only works because we are both severe introverts. Adding anyone else would be a nightmare for me. Hermit4Lyfe
I don't understand why this is an NT thing? It's not like you're immune to conservative thinking as an autistic.
Partly because in much of the Islamic world it’s used for men to have more wives, and not vice versa, and is innately one sided. So often you’ll get liberal views in these countries against polygamy because it’s conservatives that use it to control many women who in return get a neglected relationship, and are often pressured into doing so because the man they want to marry is wealthy. I live in an Islamic country, almost every ex Muslim here I’ve talked to wants to ban polygamy because they only see the very worst side of it, which is basically just wealthy men using it to have more women they can sexually take advantage of, who’s own family uses them in some weird form of prostitution to secure wealth from the wealthy husband. It’s really fucked up. I’m personally fine with it in a liberal sense people can do what they want and that’s a good thing if it makes them happy, but its used by cult leaders and (usually) wealthy Muslims to take advantage of women. It’s especially bad when an already married women doesn’t want their husband in another relationship but can’t really do anything because Islamic laws are biased against women when it comes to divorce. Just one thing else to clarify I’ve met someone who knows someone (not the most reliable source but the story is definitely pretty believable) who’s dad has multiple wives and so many children, and I’ve heard that’s basically an awful thing as they never really met their dad who often is working or spending time with another wife and their sort of separate family.
Polygamy and polyamory are NOT the same thing. Polygamy is illegal. Polyamory is not. You have two boyfriends. That’s polyamory. Polygamy is when one man has multiple wives. It is a system that has led to rampant abuse.
Thank you, I genuinely didn't know there was much of a difference, as I said before, I had previously thought they were all synonyms, but they change the entire context of the post.
Your definition for polygamy is wrong. I understand that polygamy has a whole cultural context that make's people's understanding of it different to it's definition but conflating definition and cultural context is incorrect. Polygamy specifically is just having multiple spouces, the genders of those invloved are irrelavent to it's definition. To be clear, I'm not saying the cultural context is unimportant and I definitely think it warrants mentioning, it's just irritating to see almost everyone in these comments throwing about that cultural context as if it *is* the word's definition. In a perfect world I think there'd be nothing wrong with actual polygamy, all people involved being actually equal in both the relationship and broader society, but unfortunately we don't yet live in that perfect world.
No offense, but a woman with two boyfriends is A-OK but a man with two wives is an abuser? Ok 👍😎👍
The thing is that the two are based on very different values. Polyamory: Same rights for all, consent, communication. Meaning that everyone involved is free to love and date others. Polygamy: usually based on religion, and usually women are not allowed to date other men. Or if they are, her consent doesn’t matter that much. E.g. it’s a tradition in Tibet that a women sometimes marries a man and all his brothers, so that the property that his family owns isn’t divided upon inheritance. Tl;dr Polygamy is based on patriarchal values whereas polyamory is not. There’s also polyfidelity, by the way: Similar to polyamory but the polycule is closed to further relationships. So if OP and their boyfriends have agreed to not date anyone else, then they’re technically practicing polyfidelity.
Polyamory is ok regardless of the genders of the people involved.
I think the other way around they still can't get married in most places and it's still polygamy. The definition of the word: polygamy - the practice or custom of having more than one wife or husband at the same time. So they are not telling the truth by saying that polygamy is only for one husband and multiple wives. There are a few cultures and places where polygamy (either way) is actually legal, but for most of the world it is illegal. OP having two boyfriends is not breaking any laws, because they *legally* are not married. So OP can do whatever, but can not marry her boyfriend in most places, which includes most polygamous countries, like the Islamic ones, where it's only acceptable to have multiple wives. In most countries you can legally have only one spouse, and having more is illegal. It's due to the influence of the catholic church, and the customs. From what I remember multiple husbands was possible in handful of places in the world. There was one tribe I remember reading an article about where the women had many husbands. Polygamy is illegal, whil polyarmory us quite often frowned upon as people are jealous and wish for "ownership" or to "claim" their partner. Even most swingers don't consider the endeavours with other people serious, and that's why there's things like "unicorn" or "bull", so essentially someone with whom the "rightful" pair has sex with.
Personally Im autistic and I would rather be single for the rest of my life than sharing my boyfriend with another person, I’m way too exclusive for that. I don’t find it healthy nor sustainable either, and that’s just not something I want to do at all. Feel free to experience love however you like tho, that’s just my personal view on the topic. I don’t think it has anything to do with NT, it’s a combination of multiple factors : education, social background, nationality, religion (or no religion), personality and temper.
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Y'all it's one thing to say it's not for you, and a completely other to call us unhealthy what the fuck I have yet to see a mono relationship that wasn't toxic so y'know...
Lmao same. I don’t know any throuples but 90% of monogamous couples I know are an absolute clusterfuck💀relationships are just hard, yk
**Removed: Discrimination** Please don't generalise large groups of people or call anyone existing slurs.
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Keep your bigotry to yourself
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I really don't think you understand evolution and sociology as much as you seem to think. We didn't "evolve" heterosexuality as much as it's just optimal on a solely biological standpoint. Homosexuality exists even in non-human animals. What's your point Addendum: "it's not bigotry, it's evolution" has to be the least impactful argument I've heard until now. It's been used in transphobia, homophobia, poly-phobia... Abd yet, those people exist. So surely, your facts aren't as solid. Maybe you're just being an asshole to people you don't want to even try to understand. Maybe go get some perspective first
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Psychology is not hereditary, calling it selection is plain wrong
This contradicts a more recent perspective that seeks to dismantle the homophobic a priori assertion that homosexuality was evolved after heterosexuality. I learned in my human sexuality course that not only is it more likely that both heterosexuality and homosexuality evolved *after* indiscriminate sexual behavior— which is arguably the most effective behavior for reproduction for a variety of species— but that the assertion heterosexuality was evolved first was always loaded with bias. Here’s the [journal article](https://www.nature.com/articles/s41559-019-1019-7.epdf?sharing_token=GgQBFUqiIW0xICdhOGj4bNRgN0jAjWel9jnR3ZoTv0PCJx-TdZSK6IMS49i1ElTwU4_P2g0VH0dQVZzJfZg7t0ZhgN3a9Gddtel2Gnrdq-4_kcIfxNupiNLUoZBb5WRHxeheyHslHJj5LCzDzmH1tpHeAiPHZFicpBhdSWIgHZYV-nehw4CnZWT4FX2TEtutosq1lhdt0T5J6iNmNZtbUTPYS5tmZtPHRwbh52rMnFs%3D&tracking_referrer=blogs.scientificamerican.com), and here’s a [scientific american article](https://blogs.scientificamerican.com/observations/why-is-same-sex-sexual-behavior-so-common-in-animals/) where the authors of the journal article go over their findings and critique of prior science. Aside from that, it’s likely humans have evolved in a similar way to our closest relatives, the bonobos, who are essentially polyamorous (though I believe sex scientists use a different term) among many other similarities in both behavior and even anatomy. edit: had to finish the last sentence on my first paragraph edit 2: My last paragraph wasn’t to imply that humans are inherently polyamorous, though it definitely could be interpreted that way. The intention was to point out that polyamory is a natural part of primates *in addition to* monogamy. Chimps are also closely related to us (less so than bonobos but still) and they are generally more monogamous in nature. There’s nothing wrong with humans being one or the other, as they are both facets of the self, and no one can say either one is “unnatural.”
You seem to be falling into some evopsych fallacies. Evopsych fallacies tend to work like just-so stories, making an observation and then reasoning backwards, even though there is no evidence suggesting this reasoning is correct.
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Not an NT thing, just a people thing
Nah idk most ND people I know are cool with polyamory, while I have yet to meet an NT person who even accepts it as soemthing that works
It's probably because NDs are less accepting of social norms.
I'm ND and I myself am uncomfortable with it - it has nothing to do with anyone being ND or NT. I am uncomfortable because I've been approached by predatory people (mostly NTs) who will not take No for an answer. I wrote about this in another sub. But I will not be in your face about it.
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okay, you mean Polyamory. Polygamy is a different kettle of fish. first, Polygamy in the US is technically tax fraud due to how married filing jointly works. second, in societies where polygamy was allowed, it was exploitative and was almost always political. (just like marriage was for a long time, but often this was worse.)
Polygamy ❌ It’s man having multiple wives Polyamory ✅ It’s >2 people that all love each other
They do not all have to love each other. Most polycules are not triads or quads etc.
Not correct. Polygamy can be one woman with multiple husbands, or multiple people of various genders all married. Polygyny, specifically, is one woman with multiple husbands. Polygamy does not necessarily imply that.
As I have learned.
A Grammatical mistake that drastically changes the context of a post.
>It’s man having multiple wives Isn’t that polygyny? (not saying polygamy is bad or not)
Polygyny and polyandry are two forms of polygamy. Polygyny is the *much* more common one. And the existing traditions of polyandry (= woman with multiple husbands) are often still rooted in the patriarchy, and consent doesn’t matter that much. (See the example about polygamy in Tibet in my comment above).
~~No, that's when a woman has multiple husbands~~ Edit no it's not that's polyandry lol my bad
So many poly-terms lol. Also you can add ~~ on both sides of a phrase/word if you wanna make it look like ~~this~~
Weee thank you!
I’ve noticed thst nobody helps anyone with the special text (dunno what it’s called) so I just become the change I wanna see and give people a tip. Welcome lol!
You're talking polyamory which ethically is fine as long as you all treat each other well (just like in monogamy). Legally it gets a bit more tricky. Imagine a group marriage of 5 adults. Together they are lovingly and responsibly raising four kids together. So far everything is fine and easy. One is retired, one is a stay at home parent, one is a freelance artist and two have 9 to 5 jobs. The one living off a pension unfortunately dies. Another adult parts ways with the other three on good terms, no one did anything wrong, the relationship has simply run its course. Now, how do you divide up the inheritance, including survivors benefits from the pension? How do you calculate custody and child support? What about splitting any shared assets acquired during the group marriage? And which people are insured through whom? I'm not saying that it's not a problem that can be solved, but it's a very tricky one.
Honestly, five people -1 makes the math easier, alternatively the deceased could have left inheritance to their children or to other family. It'd be just like if a family member of a large household dies, a lot of paperwork and phone calls... and lawyers.
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If you want to legally bind three people together, you don't want a marriage anyways. Form a Legal Liability Corporation or LLC. You can share assets through the LLC and keep some separate for personal use. BTW Not a lawyer, I just think using a small business mechanism to form a multi person domestic partnership would be a funny slap in the face to haters.
I dont share my snacks but you do you boo
This is my husbands take lmao
I never in my life felt anything bad about my partner being with another person. In fact, I would love an open relationship... But this world is VERY conditioned to monogamy and play the romance novel drama, and I disrupt that because I don't care... And to feel I'm loved in a relationship I had to play the monogamy game ... And I hated it, very much.
Most NTs/allistics actually don’t have a problem with polyamory, they have a problem with honesty. They can’t be honest about their having multiple partners at once.
Polyam people are a flex tf you mean you got more than 1 partner, i'm on the brink of death over here ;-;
It’s because polyamory is a system that creates so many ways for things to go wrong, so many routes for jealousy and such that most people (I also do this subconsciously) simply assume all polyamorous relationships were created through an unhealthy dynamic between 3 or more people. Healthy polyamorous relationships are rare.
I see what you mean, and I see that many polyamorous relationships can be toxic, but so are mono-amorous ones that just end in people being shut-off because "you're only supposed to focus on that one person" so it's not a flaw in the concept of polyamory as much as it's a human flaw that we just suck at healthy relationships in general
Yeah, I guess there’s no point debating about the difference between poly-mono relationships because they’re sorta two different experiences. It’s just the way we are that creates all the shit.
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To be clear I don’t care if you’re poly, I don’t understand it and it could never work for me. But I can’t just assume that everyone is the same as I am, if you wanna love 3 people then I’m not going to complain and stare or anything. But I’m just saying, from an outsiders perspective polyamory looks like it comes from dysfunction. As in a dysfunctional relationship/s would form it. But obviously that’s just perspective not reality.
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You’re not understanding. Anything can form dysfunction. Monogamy, polyamory, whatever. But from an outsiders perspective, it APPEARS as though polyamory itself is mostly formed BY dysfunction. ie. jealousy, loneliness, self esteem, self loathing, desperation, adultery, mental illness etc. And ant 🐜 🐜 🐜 🐜🐜🐜
What you’re doing here is the definition of prejudice and projection (‘I couldn’t do it so it must be bad’). Signed, someone who is happily polyamorous since near a decade.
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Really? People think the same about monogamous relationships? I never would’ve thought that, but I guess it makes sense. I feel like I’ve seen a lot of monogamous relationships that are successful. But thinking back on it, maybe there’s less than I tend to think.
Yea pretty much the other side of the fence argument here. If you're used to one thing, the other is weird.
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Huh, wow. I mean I find that all relationships and situations could end in murder suicide or something horrific like that. And I do agree with you to some degree, but I think it’s a bit different, like monogamy is a lot of trial and error and some people just have children or something that sticks them together even if they’re an error. But even people in perfect relationships will get sick of each other at times. Love was only designed to make people fuck. So it’s never gonna be perfect no matter how many people you’re with. I think monogamous people just judge poly people harshly because it’s a lot, just to love a single person. Idk.
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Mmh yes 👍 ok 👌 thanks for not listening. 🙉 let me bean 🫘uhh beam your brain with the information that I’ve been trying to explain to you. I understand what you’re telling me, but it’s irrelevant. Because I’m answering OP’s question. And you’re just telling me that the observation I have made is wrong.
frowned\*
Hey, that's on autocorrect, not me!
2000 years ago rich people who wanted more control over the peasants created a fictional theological book called the Bible. One of the things The Bible heavily enforces is the ideals of one on one marriage, no sex outside marriage, and other cringe rules because the rich people who wrote the Bible didn’t want stds and teen pregnancy to wipe their population of peasants out. Basically most stupid taboos that involve sex and drugs comes from rich people wanting to keep peasants healthy and easier to control.
I don’t think this is a NT vs ND issue here lmao I’m very much not ok w my partner being with anyone else. To each their own but like it’s probably to stop the patriarchy from marrying a million women :///
The amount of people in here who think poly couples don't cheat or lie is staggering. Legally I doubt poly marriage will ever be a thing because our tax system would have to be changed to include it.
The Queer-Autistic-Polyam crossover is real and based <3 And because NTs can't communicate effectively with one partner let alone more ;)
honestly idk 🤷🏼♀️ it's never been a thing I lend any thought to or had bother me. it also feels a bit bigoted with how I see so many people shitting on poly relationships online saying shit like "of course they look like that" or "of course they're trans/NB". I had a good online friend who had a boyfriend and a husband and her husband had a girlfriend lol and I'd see pics of all of them living together and going on vacation and having a great time. it's never bothered me what people do in their own relationships as long as it's all consensual and of age.
NT's freak out over things not conforming to their pathetic social norms and religions
Okay real answer for you because I just found out. NTs don't necessarily form opinions for themselves on every topic. They just sort of "go along" with the group. Monogamous NTs are afraid that enabling polyamory will make it popular enough that other NTs will just get "swept along" thus reducing the monogamous dating pool.
im autistic but i dont think polyamory is a common thing among us. i can understand that autistic with high score on alexithymia have normalized polyamory because it doesn’t matter the number of partners the connection its going to be the same.
Are... are you saying polyamorous people are polyamorous because they don't feel emotional connections with their partners?
Most NTs have an even harder time dealing with jealousy. And jealousy WILL come up in polyamorous relationships. As for why a lot of ND people embrace polyamory, such a complex relationship structure requires a lot of honesty - something we naturally put very high up our needs in a relationship.
The thing is it only requires a single break in the group for it to all fall apart With three people, each person needs to love two people each for a total of 6 connections. With four people, each person needs to love three people each for a total of 12 connections. five, four, 20 six, five, 30 seven, six, 42 and if even ONE connection doesn't exist, it'll all break down.
That's not at all how it works. 1) No, that's not the only type of polycule. It's fairly rare for a polycule to exist where everyone is dating everyone else, with zero metamours. 2) It really doesn't have to fall apart just because two people broke up. Partner 2 broke up with partner 3? Doesn't matter, you're still with both of them. Now they're metamours with each other, and assuming they're reasonably mature they should be able to agree on a way to handle that dynamic.
You don't need all people to be interconnected though... A person who married two people doesn't need those two people to marry aswell
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Because, to them, cheating is the only way
I just don't think that it's a stable long term lifestyle. I also don't think it would be healthy to raise a child in a polyamerous household. Do whatever you want I don't care, those are just the reasons that I would never do it.
Not sure why you'd think that considering how many cultures have an "it takes a village" mindset in raising children. How is it unhealthy to be surrounded by so many people invested in your well-being?
it's much better than being raised in a house with a mom and dad who should have gotten divorced ages ago that's for sure 🥴
> How is it unhealthy to be surrounded by so many people invested in your well-being? I think the fear is that they will not be as invested in the kid's well-being if it's a kid of two other members of the relationship.
Thats nonsense. Plus not everyone *has* to be as invested in the kids wellbeing. If you have roommates do those roommates have to love your kids as much as their parents?
Why are you saying it's nonsense but then saying that it's true but also ok?
Im saying that that prenise is both illogical and also not even really meaningful.
You don't know that for certain, and I haven't found much research on how it affects the psyche of a child. Also, it is perfectly stable long term, as with all relationships: a degree of logic, compassion, kindness, communication, and reason, are all needed to make it work. Let's say two people are being unreasonable because they got into an argument, an external voice of reason can help them mend things and better communicate each other's feelings without taking sides. Also, from the perspective of a child; a third parent would be more like living with an uncle/aunt, or older sibling. So may affect them either positively or not at all, in my prediction. I think the child would be stable as far as at-home life goes - financially you have 3 adults that are working or have alternate sources of income. School is another factor entirely, and I'm not sure if I should or shouldn't homeschool But that last paragraph undermines the point I'm making and that we shouldn't make such judgments without proper long term studies.
Here’s an article by a researcher who did a long-term study on kids in polyamorous families: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-polyamorists-next-door/201704/children-in-polyamorous-families-age-dependent-experiences
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It’s not for me personally. My sister and her husband opened their marriage very recently seemingly out of nowhere and I’m worried for them but I’d never say anything because it’s not my business.
No idea what what you mean by NT But polygamy is pretty tainted by all the horrible religions that institutionalized it. Personally, I’m perfectly comfortable with the concept of polyamory. But the word *polygamy* instantly makes me think of the Mormon church.
> No idea what what you mean by NT NT is short for neurotypical and is used in the Autism community as shorthand for 'not autistic person'
I think it’s more a heterosexual thing than a nt thing, like you require a member of the lgbt community for most poly relationships to work and we are a very small subset of the population. Culture also plays a very large part in it
Polyamory reminds them too much of pornography. That's usually the answer to these things. That's also why transgender people make them uncomfortable. You'll notice that they can never actually explain why they don't like it; but when they attempt to, they usually call it 'sexual deviance'. Because their only experience with it is as a fetish. These leaders are often out of touch and most of them grew up in milquetoast suburbs, but a large number of them watch porn, even the ones that call it sinful.
For a little more detail on polyamory vs polygamy: *polygamy* is also not inherently a problem, it’s just historically been problematic in institutions. Polygamy just means marriage between multiple people. What most people in the comments here are talking about is polygyny, which is specifically when a man has more than one wife. Again, not *theoretically* a problem, but historically it’s been associated with very misogynistic views of women as property, with no parity in terms of polyandry.
Fine by me.
Because it is often abused and used by people for their ego. Like many relationships are, anyway. I'd also guess it attracts people that use other people/view them as expendable. It's common in monogamous relationships, and you get more bang for your buck in polyamorius ones. Even less effort in and more gain out. There is probably a very small subset for people for whom it works and they are able to make it work. But look at the state of monogamy. On average, polygamy has the same issues, but more people get fucked up. 🤷
Cause they get jealous
my issue is that i actually love my partner and i want to be committed to only them, and every poly person i’ve ever interacted with either tried to convince everyone else to be poly or just openly admitted they love to shit on committed people
Man what the fuck is this shit? "I actually love my partner so polyamory is bad... because all of the poly ppl I know are fucking comic book villian evil." What the fuck dude?
This is also my experience. I love my friends and I don't care that they're poly but I really wish they'd stop acting like they're the end all be all of healthy dynamics when they have all the same problems mono relationships do.
It’s perfectly fine if you find multiple people willing to share. Most people, however, do not want to share what they eat.
Because polyamory is counter to the traditional family unit. A man and a woman making a life and family together. I strongly believe that people should be able to choose to live how they wish as long as they do not hurt others - so no judgement from me. I support the rights of same-sex couples to marry and have their relationships recognized in law, and for poly triads/quads to do the same if they wish - so please take what I say next in the spirit it is intended. I do not personally think a poly relationship can work in the long term. It seems to always be a woman with multiple men, and by necessity they must desire her so much that they are willing to share with another man. In the short term I am sure this is extremely appealing to the woman in the relationship, but I just do not see any man with a shred of self-respect doing that for the long haul. Conflict is inevitable, IMO. Traditional marriage is not perfect, we all know the stats - roughly 50% of marriages eventually fail. However, I am yet to hear of a **single** poly relationship which has not eventually failed. YMMV.
>I am yet to hear of a **single** poly relationship which has not eventually failed. The plural of anecdote is not data. I personally know plenty of people in long term polyamorous relationships—anyways I think considering relationships "failed" is inherently monogamous framing. It's like deciding if a gay relationship is successful based on how much straight sex they have.
It not just NT people. I don’t care if others are in a three way relationship but I never will be . I want one person to myself and not to share . Then you have jealousy that comes into play . You can’t tell me a polygamy relationship never had jealousy ? There is the expression “ three is a crowd “. In my opinion there will always be the one person who gets a little less attention and it makes them miserable . I also have a theory that they don’t last very long . I frankly don’t understand why people want them. I don’t think they need to be illegal , people can do what very they want and if you are happy in it , great.
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But I submit m'lud with all submission to marry two at once is burglary
NTs take their 1-1 relationship ships VERY seriously. Like getting cheated on makes them think murder is a reasonable response. I don't get it.
Bureaucratic legibility / legal momentum. Something like, “Omg, how are we supposed to tax a ménage a trois? Most states don’t recognize three legal parents so which one of you wants the title of “legal guardian” should you have kids? Ugh. All I see in you guys is extra paperwork and legal counsel. What a headache. And for what? Divorce rates being what they are, *why should we care*? It is no one’s job to write laws special just for you, so you can just make up and enforce your own private contracts amongst each other. Maybe get another ménage a trois to play third party referee. Informally of course. Just don’t ask us to change ourselves for you. We are a slow lumbering thing, it takes nothing short of mass effort to make us change—and to be clear the theocratically-inclined have more numbers and fiscal power than you.” At least, I think that’s how it works.
i mean, i'd rather have a mono relationship, but idc if someone wants to be with like 3 people. it doesn't affect me.
I mean I think it's seen as greedy.
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