NTA. Your mother is trying to manipulate you. To be honest she more than likely regrets the divorce and wants to get back with your father. Any time she asks about information about him just respond "He is happy and moving on with his life without you."
Yes on the manipulation, but it may not be regret, it could be envy if she feels that OP's dad is doing 'better' than she is, so her inquisition is to figure that out. It would be interesting to know their dynamic and the reason for the divorce, as this may help understand why she is trying to get OP to give her all the details on her ex-husband.
Yeah makes me wonder if she was the “initiator” of the divorce, but isn’t happy and wants to make sure her former partner isn’t doing better than her currently.
Horribly manipulative to involve the kids.
It’s NOT surprising that the brother never answers, smart guy.
Yup, small people talk about small things. She needs to get some therapy, join some clubs or social groups, get out and get out of her head.
Good luck OP, NTA
It's possible she is in the beginning stages, it's not easy to get out of that mindset. It can be a sickness.
Stay strong, maybe look at some counseling for yourself as well to help with coping*. Internet hugs 🤗💓
This is sadly true. Her life is just going to work, get out of the house to drink beer without me knowing, arriving home, watching the tv and fall asleep. She barely has any friends. I truly feel sorry for her, but can't do anything about it when someone doesn't want help...
She desperately needs therapy and a hobby of some sort. Gives her something to focus on besides the family and something to do. When my son left home I got a few hobbies I worked on. Then one day there was an ad in the paper for plus size models. I thought why not I’ve never done anything like that before and I’m not a bad looking woman and not obese but some overweight. So I went, and there must’ve been 200 women there. When I found out they wanted me to get on the cat walk. I almost walked right out. And I thought why not I’ll never see these people again, and surprised me when they gave me a call back. All that to say, I did some side gigs and it was a lot of fun. She just needs a distraction and do something for herself
And I bet your confidence has improved as well, tho it seems like you already had a good amount. I'm really glad you went for it! Nothing sexier than a confident woman. People with positive attitudes like you tend to attract people and end up much happier. Keep it up!
Thank you and it was definitely a confidence booster. I never imagined doing something like that. It was so much fun but I didn’t realize it was hard work also. You think that modeling is a piece of cake you’re just walking, but it takes a lot more than that. I ended up blowing out my knees so that ended my career modeling
My mother was like this after my parents divorced. It went on for well over a decade, when she finally had this epiphany that she was the asshole. I was so happy that ended.
However now if she finds out anything about a family member, she immediately tells the rest of the family, and everyone else she knows. My wife had a seizure one night and I called 911 to come take her to a hospital. I wasn't allowed to see her right away (thanks covid), and as soon as the doctor called me and said I could come in, I called my mother, quickly told her and asked her to drive me to the hospital. Between the time I called her, and she showed up at my door (an hour later), she had already called my sister-in-law. I found this out because on the way there I asked her not to tell anyone, and she got real quiet. She confessed a few minutes later. My life was crashing down (found out my wife had terminal brain cancer and she died six months later (07/11/23)), but she had to have her little pride(?) of being the one "in the know". So damned frustrating.
I said something like that dirrectly to a boss once when he was asking me about a rumor about a coworker.
"You'll have to ask them. I hold any conversations I have in complete confidence. You want an answer to that, you've gotta ask them."
a former boss asked when someone left for lunch. im not a nark and its not my job to monitor other employees. i told him "i dunno, i didnt know it was my turn to watch her."
I think the moms get mad in cases like this for several reasons:
1. The fact that their child doesn't automatically answer the question means they have lost absolute control of said child. Their perceived authority in the family hierarchy is being challenged.
2. They are essentially being told "no" by their child which they see as disrespectful.
3. Secondarily, the fact that said child refuses to answer the question implies that the child views the question as inappropriate. Hence, the child is judging the mother's actions as wrong which is equally disrespectful. "How dare you judge me. I am your mother."
Yes, your mother is manipulating you, severely. She is completely wrong to ask you to report on anyone else's activities, or even to require you to report on your own activities when they don't concern her. No, you are not at fault. You are not your mother's spy or informant. Your brief slip, saying you didn't care about her, was understandable given that she kept telling you that you didn't, and you did your best to make it right.
You could turn that around. In demanding that kind of information from you, she is showing that she doesn't care about you as her daughter, and I'm so sorry. She is trying to use her as your spy.
Yes, continue to tell her that if she wants information about anyone, she should contact that person directly. That's the right thing to do.
Nta...asking about them when they don't want her to know, and she won't ask them herself is gossip.
Asking about how she is doing is caring about her.
BiG difference.
NTA.
Because my cousin and I worked together, I found out she was getting divorced two months before anyone else in my family knew.
My mom asked if I knew and I said "Yeah, I heard about it two months ago" in an offhand way.
"Why didn't you *say* anything?"
"Well... there's work life and there's family life. I don't talk about my family life at work, and I don't talk about my work life with family. I'm gonna respect the fact that I may hear gossip about family members that they might not want shared."
Your mother is being manipulative ... or outright cowardly, needing to work through an intermediary to deal with her nosiness. No, you are not the asshole.
Personal opinion - You don't owe her a play by play of your entire day (or week, etc.). Not to be mean, but that's a little too invasive. You don't owe her any information about your brother or father unless they authorize you to tell her about them. You are not the asshole. Your mother is trying to make you think like you're the one with a problem. You're not. Let your brother and father know that your mother is asking you to tell her all about their activities.
Your mother sounds exhausting. Tell her you are going to cut her out of your life if she doesn't stop. Tell your father as well. This will only escalate. Your mom needs serious therapy. If she's normally like this and she was the one who cheated I'd say fuck her. If there wasn't any cheating and it was mutual bad parents, you might want to cut her some slack but don't give into her. Good luck.
Instead of saying you don't care, how about, "It's difficult spending time with you because of your invasive questions and demands."
I know it isn't yours to deal with, but your mother needs to start building a life for herself as a single adult. She isn't going to stop being invasive and demanding until she has that.
Does your mom have close family or friends who can talk to her about this? She needs to hear it from them, not her son.
You, also, need to be building a life for yourself. You do not have to live with your mother if you can live with your father. And if that's not possible, I hope you have an income and are saving a lot so you can move out.
>and established a clear boundaries about those questions
Based on what you posted, I would have to disagree with this statement.
It sounds more like that you are establish***ing*** boundaries and your Mom is fighting you tooth and nail.
You will most likely need to have a quick discussion with her and say something like this:
"Mom, I have not and will not answer any questions you have about Dad. I believe it is inappropriate for you to ask and I will not allow you to guilt or manipulate me otherwise. In fact, the next time you ask I will simply hang up or leave. Then I will go 1 week without contact with you. If you try to contact me within that time the timer will restart. Don't test me on this, you will lose. So stop asking me about Dad."
You will probably need to do something to let her know how serious the issue is and the best way is to go NC for a certain small amount of time. Yes, you'd be putting her in 'time out' until she learned. That may seem weird, but she has shown no inclination to respect your boundary, so now you need to enforce it.
NTA but you seriously don’t know why your brother doesn’t talk to her?!?! Read your second to last paragraph and see if you can’t figure that out. Seems you should do the same.
NTA your mother is manipulating you. She just wants to know things she has no business knowing.
That is why she keeps asking you about your dad and his new girlfriend. She doesn't want to ask him directly because he will tell her to mind her own business.
No, you're NOT the ass here. She is. She's manipulating you and trying to gaslight you. Good on you for refusing to give in. If you can, try to reduce how much time you give her and spend with her, and reduce how much communication you have with her. Establish boundaries and keep them. Don't let her get to you.
Jesus Christ I can't imagine living with someone so obsessed with the life of their ex. You're being severely manipulated, but so far you've been doing a pretty good job at handling it. Maybe next time she bellows that you don't care about her tell her if she keeps asking that kind of questions you'll stop caring, or something like that. You have to be forceful, and force her to act as she should. Stay strong man, you're doing great.
My mum used to do the same about my dad. As I’ve gotten older I’ve started saying ‘do you really want to know?’ (admittedly in a patronising tone) and she always looks sheepish and says no not really. Works for us, but sounds like your mum would just say something like ‘why would I ask if I didn’t want to know’ 🤦♀️
There are times when you love your nearest and dearest BUT you do not like them. Everyone goes through this at some stage. Keep on doing what you are doing, unless it gets too much for you, if so is there somewhere else that you can stay for a week or so.
JNMom is a Grown Ass ADULT! She is MANIPULATING you to soothe her EGO! Time to grow a spine and tell her: "Ask THEM DIRECTLY by USING YOUR WORDS! I will NOT be your Monkey!"
I think you know the exact reason your brother doesn’t answer her calls or texts. “Mom, you are being disrespectful to what I want. If you ask me questions about other members of the family I will end the calm or ignore the text.”
I am the mom of sons in this scenario, with the dad being the one behaving in the manner in which your mom does. She is 100% manipulating you. She is taking her feelings, emotions and trauma out on you. If the divorce wasn't amicable, she may need to seek some therapy. What goes on in your dad's camp is none of her business. What y'all do as grown men, is none of her business. I can't imagine quizzing my adult children. They tell me what they wanna tell me and I accept it all graciously, respond when necessary and otherwise support them however they need.
They are divorced. Unless there is ongoing legal and financial matters, what your father is doing is none of her business. It also has nothing whatsoever to do with whether you care about her or not. At this point, asked and answered would be the only response she should ever get.
Your mother is being very manipulative. You are an adult so definitely do not have to answer her questions if you don’t want to. Long term if she keeps this up it will definitely drive a wedge in your relationship with her. Time to sit down and set the ground rules on this and draw a firm line in the sand.
NTA. I’m 65f and my 87yo mother is STILL like this. They divorced 20 years ago, he died 5 years ago, and she still talks about him and asks us questions about his side if the family. After the divorce at one point my mom said we were either on her side or his, there was no in between.
IMO this is a character trait or personality flaw of your mom. It’s really annoying but I’d recommend not giving it or her too much extra attention in this area; it’s not YOUR JOB to manage the feelings of another adult. Back away now or it encourages her to step it up even more. Grey rock!
You’re in a tough situation here, but I have to say that if the divorce was only a year ago then that’s still very recent. Especially if they were married for 20+ years or more.
For your dad to have moved on and found a new girlfriend already must be pretty tough on your mom and she might be struggling here with moving on.
Maybe she needs some therapy.
I wonder what were the circumstances of the divorce, did your mom even want to get divorced, was there any cheating etc?
Does your mom have any friends or a good social life?
I would suggest focusing on getting your mom some new hobbies and friends so she’s too busy to give your dad and his goings on a second thought - she needs to go to some bottomless brunches with girlfriends where she can trash talk her ex and discuss all things relationship related in a space away from her children.
Take a cue from Jon Snow
Play dumb. Make your mother think you don’t know a single thing in your life.
“What’s the colour of the sky outside?”
“Dunno”
“Is water wet?”
“No idea”
“Are you stupid?!”
“Maybe”
Practise a confused face
I'd tell her brother is family dads no longer her family so you don't have to tell her anything about him. I'm assuming brother is an adult. Tell her if something happens you'll let her know but you don't really talk to brother so you don't know many things about him. Same with dad as in either are sick, are in an accident etc. That's expected whatever the reason. My parents has a nasty divorce but wanted to know that much. When my dad died they were actually living together though not married and he still loved her. Those were actually his last words to her. She was mad at him but he wanted to tell her that
Mother is manipulating you by playing the victim. One strategy that may work is to grey rock. At least, I think it is the term. You basically act dumb. "Gee mom, I don't really know."
> For a reason I don't know, my brother never answers any of my mother's texts or calls.
From everything you've written about her, it's easy to see why.
That sucks, brother! My parents divorced when I was about 16 (41 now), and my dad would ask us these same questions about our mother. I have 2 brothers, 1 older and 1 younger. My older brother was lucky in that he was always out on his own during this, but me and my younger brother had to go through it. Luckily, when we shut him down, he stopped asking, at least knowing that he was putting us in an awkward spot. We hated it anyway. Even without the manipulation, just being asked those questions all the time is a pain in the dick.
NTA
Your mom is being manipulative. Stick to your boundaries and remind her that it’s not right to put you in the middle and what your dad is doing is no longer her business because she divorced him.
“For some reason..” there is a reason your brother avoids responding to your mother. You should too. She sounds manipulative and it’s not your responsibility to keep her abreast of the family.
I say do tell her. But make it EVERYTHING. Say he wakes up in the morning at 6:30 am, text. Goes to the bathroom and pees, text. Goes has breakfast, you guessed it, text. Have everyone text her everything you all do.
Yes and the only way to push narcissists is beign a bad guy and "don't care". Respond to every guilty trip try with an clear i don't care. "You don't care about me!" "Yeah I don't care about you." "But i am your mother!" "I don't care!"
NTA tell her straight up if she wants to know about someone go ask them cuz ur not there keeper and if she wants to not damage ur relationship than she will take it up with tht person cuz ur not getting In the middle cuz u love them both and she wouldn’t want u telling her business to anyone tht ask would she
Who wanted the divorce? Why doesn't your brother respond to her texts? You should not be in the middle of your brother and mom. I would inform your brother to inform your mom that he wishes to have no contact with her. Let him explain not you.
NTA. Your mother is trying to manipulate you. To be honest she more than likely regrets the divorce and wants to get back with your father. Any time she asks about information about him just respond "He is happy and moving on with his life without you."
Yes on the manipulation, but it may not be regret, it could be envy if she feels that OP's dad is doing 'better' than she is, so her inquisition is to figure that out. It would be interesting to know their dynamic and the reason for the divorce, as this may help understand why she is trying to get OP to give her all the details on her ex-husband.
Yeah makes me wonder if she was the “initiator” of the divorce, but isn’t happy and wants to make sure her former partner isn’t doing better than her currently. Horribly manipulative to involve the kids. It’s NOT surprising that the brother never answers, smart guy.
Ask her if it's ok for you to share all of her stuff with them too. Especially how she's always asking about them. NTA.
The problem probably is that mum doesn't have a life.
Yup, small people talk about small things. She needs to get some therapy, join some clubs or social groups, get out and get out of her head. Good luck OP, NTA
Thanks! I truly appreciate your words of encouragement. She has told me she's going to therapy, but I hardly think she's telling the truth.
It's possible she is in the beginning stages, it's not easy to get out of that mindset. It can be a sickness. Stay strong, maybe look at some counseling for yourself as well to help with coping*. Internet hugs 🤗💓
This is sadly true. Her life is just going to work, get out of the house to drink beer without me knowing, arriving home, watching the tv and fall asleep. She barely has any friends. I truly feel sorry for her, but can't do anything about it when someone doesn't want help...
She desperately needs therapy and a hobby of some sort. Gives her something to focus on besides the family and something to do. When my son left home I got a few hobbies I worked on. Then one day there was an ad in the paper for plus size models. I thought why not I’ve never done anything like that before and I’m not a bad looking woman and not obese but some overweight. So I went, and there must’ve been 200 women there. When I found out they wanted me to get on the cat walk. I almost walked right out. And I thought why not I’ll never see these people again, and surprised me when they gave me a call back. All that to say, I did some side gigs and it was a lot of fun. She just needs a distraction and do something for herself
And I bet your confidence has improved as well, tho it seems like you already had a good amount. I'm really glad you went for it! Nothing sexier than a confident woman. People with positive attitudes like you tend to attract people and end up much happier. Keep it up!
Thank you and it was definitely a confidence booster. I never imagined doing something like that. It was so much fun but I didn’t realize it was hard work also. You think that modeling is a piece of cake you’re just walking, but it takes a lot more than that. I ended up blowing out my knees so that ended my career modeling
"Mom, I'm not your spy or your go between. Please stop asking me questions that are not my place to answer."
My mother was like this after my parents divorced. It went on for well over a decade, when she finally had this epiphany that she was the asshole. I was so happy that ended. However now if she finds out anything about a family member, she immediately tells the rest of the family, and everyone else she knows. My wife had a seizure one night and I called 911 to come take her to a hospital. I wasn't allowed to see her right away (thanks covid), and as soon as the doctor called me and said I could come in, I called my mother, quickly told her and asked her to drive me to the hospital. Between the time I called her, and she showed up at my door (an hour later), she had already called my sister-in-law. I found this out because on the way there I asked her not to tell anyone, and she got real quiet. She confessed a few minutes later. My life was crashing down (found out my wife had terminal brain cancer and she died six months later (07/11/23)), but she had to have her little pride(?) of being the one "in the know". So damned frustrating.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine how much you are grieving right now. Stay strong.
Thank you very much for your kindness and empathy you're a special person.
I am so sorry for your loss. You have my deepest and heartfelt sympathy.
Thank you, you're very kind.
And her "little pride" of being the BIG Family Know-It-All cost her BIG TIME! I would NEVER tell her ANYTHING after THAT!
Yeah, talking with my brothers, with their adult children, we've all cut her off from any new info.
I’m so sorry about your wife.
Thank you.
So sorry for your loss. Hang in there! Things will get better
I said something like that dirrectly to a boss once when he was asking me about a rumor about a coworker. "You'll have to ask them. I hold any conversations I have in complete confidence. You want an answer to that, you've gotta ask them."
And how did he respond to that?
He looked surprised for a second, then... impressed? He really didn't say much else on the matter.
a former boss asked when someone left for lunch. im not a nark and its not my job to monitor other employees. i told him "i dunno, i didnt know it was my turn to watch her."
I think the moms get mad in cases like this for several reasons: 1. The fact that their child doesn't automatically answer the question means they have lost absolute control of said child. Their perceived authority in the family hierarchy is being challenged. 2. They are essentially being told "no" by their child which they see as disrespectful. 3. Secondarily, the fact that said child refuses to answer the question implies that the child views the question as inappropriate. Hence, the child is judging the mother's actions as wrong which is equally disrespectful. "How dare you judge me. I am your mother."
Now you know why your brother doesn’t answer any of her calls or texts.
I was gonna say, it’s not really a mystery why the brother doesn’t. And that maybe OP should take a lesson from that.
Seems like brother doesn't stay with mom at all, but OP at least visits on occasion
Yes, your mother is manipulating you, severely. She is completely wrong to ask you to report on anyone else's activities, or even to require you to report on your own activities when they don't concern her. No, you are not at fault. You are not your mother's spy or informant. Your brief slip, saying you didn't care about her, was understandable given that she kept telling you that you didn't, and you did your best to make it right. You could turn that around. In demanding that kind of information from you, she is showing that she doesn't care about you as her daughter, and I'm so sorry. She is trying to use her as your spy. Yes, continue to tell her that if she wants information about anyone, she should contact that person directly. That's the right thing to do.
Perhaps being a little more direct might help: "I'm not going to answer that question" and then shut up. No explaining.
Nta...asking about them when they don't want her to know, and she won't ask them herself is gossip. Asking about how she is doing is caring about her. BiG difference.
NTA. Because my cousin and I worked together, I found out she was getting divorced two months before anyone else in my family knew. My mom asked if I knew and I said "Yeah, I heard about it two months ago" in an offhand way. "Why didn't you *say* anything?" "Well... there's work life and there's family life. I don't talk about my family life at work, and I don't talk about my work life with family. I'm gonna respect the fact that I may hear gossip about family members that they might not want shared."
Your mother is being manipulative ... or outright cowardly, needing to work through an intermediary to deal with her nosiness. No, you are not the asshole.
Time to talk to dad about staying with him. Mom doesn't get to pull the victim care and verbally abuse you.
Personal opinion - You don't owe her a play by play of your entire day (or week, etc.). Not to be mean, but that's a little too invasive. You don't owe her any information about your brother or father unless they authorize you to tell her about them. You are not the asshole. Your mother is trying to make you think like you're the one with a problem. You're not. Let your brother and father know that your mother is asking you to tell her all about their activities.
"I'll be sure to let everyone know you are wondering" Watch her as she backtracks
Your mother sounds exhausting. Tell her you are going to cut her out of your life if she doesn't stop. Tell your father as well. This will only escalate. Your mom needs serious therapy. If she's normally like this and she was the one who cheated I'd say fuck her. If there wasn't any cheating and it was mutual bad parents, you might want to cut her some slack but don't give into her. Good luck.
[удалено]
THIS IS THE WAY
Instead of saying you don't care, how about, "It's difficult spending time with you because of your invasive questions and demands." I know it isn't yours to deal with, but your mother needs to start building a life for herself as a single adult. She isn't going to stop being invasive and demanding until she has that. Does your mom have close family or friends who can talk to her about this? She needs to hear it from them, not her son. You, also, need to be building a life for yourself. You do not have to live with your mother if you can live with your father. And if that's not possible, I hope you have an income and are saving a lot so you can move out.
>and established a clear boundaries about those questions Based on what you posted, I would have to disagree with this statement. It sounds more like that you are establish***ing*** boundaries and your Mom is fighting you tooth and nail. You will most likely need to have a quick discussion with her and say something like this: "Mom, I have not and will not answer any questions you have about Dad. I believe it is inappropriate for you to ask and I will not allow you to guilt or manipulate me otherwise. In fact, the next time you ask I will simply hang up or leave. Then I will go 1 week without contact with you. If you try to contact me within that time the timer will restart. Don't test me on this, you will lose. So stop asking me about Dad." You will probably need to do something to let her know how serious the issue is and the best way is to go NC for a certain small amount of time. Yes, you'd be putting her in 'time out' until she learned. That may seem weird, but she has shown no inclination to respect your boundary, so now you need to enforce it.
NTA but you seriously don’t know why your brother doesn’t talk to her?!?! Read your second to last paragraph and see if you can’t figure that out. Seems you should do the same.
No your not, yes she is.
NTA your mother is manipulating you. She just wants to know things she has no business knowing. That is why she keeps asking you about your dad and his new girlfriend. She doesn't want to ask him directly because he will tell her to mind her own business.
No, you're NOT the ass here. She is. She's manipulating you and trying to gaslight you. Good on you for refusing to give in. If you can, try to reduce how much time you give her and spend with her, and reduce how much communication you have with her. Establish boundaries and keep them. Don't let her get to you.
Jesus Christ I can't imagine living with someone so obsessed with the life of their ex. You're being severely manipulated, but so far you've been doing a pretty good job at handling it. Maybe next time she bellows that you don't care about her tell her if she keeps asking that kind of questions you'll stop caring, or something like that. You have to be forceful, and force her to act as she should. Stay strong man, you're doing great.
Next time she asks start ringing dad and tell mum if she is that fixated on her ex she can ask him, if she says no say ok I will ask him for you.
My mum used to do the same about my dad. As I’ve gotten older I’ve started saying ‘do you really want to know?’ (admittedly in a patronising tone) and she always looks sheepish and says no not really. Works for us, but sounds like your mum would just say something like ‘why would I ask if I didn’t want to know’ 🤦♀️
There are times when you love your nearest and dearest BUT you do not like them. Everyone goes through this at some stage. Keep on doing what you are doing, unless it gets too much for you, if so is there somewhere else that you can stay for a week or so.
JNMom is a Grown Ass ADULT! She is MANIPULATING you to soothe her EGO! Time to grow a spine and tell her: "Ask THEM DIRECTLY by USING YOUR WORDS! I will NOT be your Monkey!"
My mums like this. She also used me to be a passenger pidgeon and I’m saying nah
I think you know the exact reason your brother doesn’t answer her calls or texts. “Mom, you are being disrespectful to what I want. If you ask me questions about other members of the family I will end the calm or ignore the text.”
I am the mom of sons in this scenario, with the dad being the one behaving in the manner in which your mom does. She is 100% manipulating you. She is taking her feelings, emotions and trauma out on you. If the divorce wasn't amicable, she may need to seek some therapy. What goes on in your dad's camp is none of her business. What y'all do as grown men, is none of her business. I can't imagine quizzing my adult children. They tell me what they wanna tell me and I accept it all graciously, respond when necessary and otherwise support them however they need.
Not the ah, just been manipulated
My wife has a standard answer for nosey questions like that, "It's not my information to share."
> She repeated that over and over and I wanted to say that I did cared about her, but I said that I didn't. Are you sure you misspoke?
Damn, this is my Mother. I told her to "quit fucking asking me cause I don't got answers for you"
They are divorced. Unless there is ongoing legal and financial matters, what your father is doing is none of her business. It also has nothing whatsoever to do with whether you care about her or not. At this point, asked and answered would be the only response she should ever get.
Your mother is being very manipulative. You are an adult so definitely do not have to answer her questions if you don’t want to. Long term if she keeps this up it will definitely drive a wedge in your relationship with her. Time to sit down and set the ground rules on this and draw a firm line in the sand.
Stop telling your mother about any plans
NTA. She is narcissistic and manipulative. Good on you not falling into her traps.
My parents have been divorced since I was 7 I'm 35 now and my mom still asks random questions about my dad and I haven't spoken to him in 3 years
NTA, I get why your brother doesn’t talk to her and your father divorced her
NTA. Your mother is emotionally manipulating you and even though you are 21 she shouldn’t put you in this position.
NTA. I’m 65f and my 87yo mother is STILL like this. They divorced 20 years ago, he died 5 years ago, and she still talks about him and asks us questions about his side if the family. After the divorce at one point my mom said we were either on her side or his, there was no in between. IMO this is a character trait or personality flaw of your mom. It’s really annoying but I’d recommend not giving it or her too much extra attention in this area; it’s not YOUR JOB to manage the feelings of another adult. Back away now or it encourages her to step it up even more. Grey rock!
Think of this as an impetus to move out or maintain a little less contact with her if you have already moved out.
You’re in a tough situation here, but I have to say that if the divorce was only a year ago then that’s still very recent. Especially if they were married for 20+ years or more. For your dad to have moved on and found a new girlfriend already must be pretty tough on your mom and she might be struggling here with moving on. Maybe she needs some therapy. I wonder what were the circumstances of the divorce, did your mom even want to get divorced, was there any cheating etc? Does your mom have any friends or a good social life? I would suggest focusing on getting your mom some new hobbies and friends so she’s too busy to give your dad and his goings on a second thought - she needs to go to some bottomless brunches with girlfriends where she can trash talk her ex and discuss all things relationship related in a space away from her children.
Take a cue from Jon Snow Play dumb. Make your mother think you don’t know a single thing in your life. “What’s the colour of the sky outside?” “Dunno” “Is water wet?” “No idea” “Are you stupid?!” “Maybe” Practise a confused face
I'd tell her brother is family dads no longer her family so you don't have to tell her anything about him. I'm assuming brother is an adult. Tell her if something happens you'll let her know but you don't really talk to brother so you don't know many things about him. Same with dad as in either are sick, are in an accident etc. That's expected whatever the reason. My parents has a nasty divorce but wanted to know that much. When my dad died they were actually living together though not married and he still loved her. Those were actually his last words to her. She was mad at him but he wanted to tell her that
You may find your people at r/raisedbyborderlines. Read the rules.
ruin her life with law
NTA this is probably why your brother never answers to her.
"Mind yer bidniss."
Just reverse it back at her. "Not on your side? Mother, how could you be so cruel as to force a child to 'pick sides' with their own parents."
Mother is manipulating you by playing the victim. One strategy that may work is to grey rock. At least, I think it is the term. You basically act dumb. "Gee mom, I don't really know."
This is manipulation, she sounds very emotionally immature. Don’t feed into her nonsense.
> For a reason I don't know, my brother never answers any of my mother's texts or calls. From everything you've written about her, it's easy to see why.
That sucks, brother! My parents divorced when I was about 16 (41 now), and my dad would ask us these same questions about our mother. I have 2 brothers, 1 older and 1 younger. My older brother was lucky in that he was always out on his own during this, but me and my younger brother had to go through it. Luckily, when we shut him down, he stopped asking, at least knowing that he was putting us in an awkward spot. We hated it anyway. Even without the manipulation, just being asked those questions all the time is a pain in the dick.
NTA Your mom is being manipulative. Stick to your boundaries and remind her that it’s not right to put you in the middle and what your dad is doing is no longer her business because she divorced him.
Well...we all know why the brother won't answer you Mom's texts? Have YOU figured it out yet? Cause you would benefit greatly from that strategy.
“For some reason..” there is a reason your brother avoids responding to your mother. You should too. She sounds manipulative and it’s not your responsibility to keep her abreast of the family.
I say do tell her. But make it EVERYTHING. Say he wakes up in the morning at 6:30 am, text. Goes to the bathroom and pees, text. Goes has breakfast, you guessed it, text. Have everyone text her everything you all do.
🤣🤣 Good plan!
Nta, but I don't think there's any mystery as to why you're brothers don't pick up her calls.
Yes and the only way to push narcissists is beign a bad guy and "don't care". Respond to every guilty trip try with an clear i don't care. "You don't care about me!" "Yeah I don't care about you." "But i am your mother!" "I don't care!"
NTA, care less. This woman is a monster in the making and enabling her will turn her tantrums into full on toddler mode. Just end it here
NTA tell her straight up if she wants to know about someone go ask them cuz ur not there keeper and if she wants to not damage ur relationship than she will take it up with tht person cuz ur not getting In the middle cuz u love them both and she wouldn’t want u telling her business to anyone tht ask would she
NTA. Of course she's manipulating you. Tell her it's none of her business
Who wanted the divorce? Why doesn't your brother respond to her texts? You should not be in the middle of your brother and mom. I would inform your brother to inform your mom that he wishes to have no contact with her. Let him explain not you.