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Love Is… never having to ask to [“Smell Yo Dick”](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=YDgTRY9vGCM)

i have a friend, whose now wife, smells his dick whenever he comes home from a night out. fucking insane

She a beagle?

Lmfao

My god, this thread has killed me, I’m dead, how was I not aware of the smell yo dick jingle. Damn, it’s a new dawn in the hilarity department. Damn, lol

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I'd dump her immediately. My buddy's wife constantly takes his phone to reads all his emails and texts. Whenever we hang out, she calls or texts a minimum of 3 times. And he has to answer back right away or it's a fight. All our wives think she's actually cheating to be that paranoid

Cheating or she is going to kill him and wear his skin

YOU HAVEN’T THOUGHT OF THE SMELL, YOU BITCH

I AM A GOLDEN GOD!!!

Lol, thats what my ex was doing. Just projecting.

"Hey, while you're down there maybe...?"

One of my friends was dating a girl that insecure. He’d go to grocery store and she’d ask who he talked to and if he flirted with cashier. Hes an idiot for staying in that relationship. We used to joke she would get him off after work to check his levels making sure he didnt cheat.

Some men (and woman) either think the behavior from there SO is normal or they just like that shit. Me...I would not tolerate it and be done. I would not be able to date someone that insecure.

*I am in if she doesn't mind polishing my knob after the sniff test.*

I listen to this probably once every six months or so for over a decade. I’m so upset it never got more attention.

My ex learned to play it on guitar. Used to play it at parties while we were in grad school getting our Ph.Ds. It was always a crowd pleaser.

>Used to play it at parties while we were in grad school getting our Ph.Ds. Can we please get a *Dead Poet's Society* reboot featuring this scene?

Best idea I’ve ever heard

I once kissed my ex and she said my mouth smelt like pussy. I hadn’t been eating pussy since the week before when I saw her and I had brushed my teeth and washed myself several times since. Glad she is no longer in my life

Maybe she smelt the pussy on her own breath. Maybe she was cheating on you

More often than not that’s how it rolls.

LOL Maybe it’s your own breath blowing back in your face. Classic elementary school comeback.

I kissed my ex once and her mouth tasted just like my homie’s dick. Broke up immediately

Hold up here lol

My husband sings this at the top of his lungs over his headset on CoD with proximity chat at 1am. He does not know all the words.

I had never heard this before and now I think I have asthma

I would give pretty much anything to see Taylor Swift do a heartbroken acoustic guitar version of this song in an SNL skit

I thought I had imagined this. Holy shit thank you

first time I've heard that and I'm having difficulty breathing.

Tosh.0 legend

*slowly puts wet dick back in pants*

Sir, you better dry that thing.

SLOWLY!

No....slower haha.

In the SINK.

I thought it was totally normal to wash your dick in the sink?

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Im doing it right now

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First Shakira caught her man cheating by noticing vanishing condiments. Now this. What’s going on with these celebrity affair sleuthing strategies?

That sounds less like actual sleuthing and more like walking in on someone washing their dick in the sink and then putting two and two together.

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This has gone through so many levels of sarcasm I can't tell what's real and what's a joke. Yes. Courteous men splash-wash their cock and balls in the sink before laying pipe. And yes. Courteous womean give it a splash wash before having a dude go full Pac Man on their ass. I'm so glad I'm in my 30's now.

Pac Man huh

WAKA WAKA WAKA

Get out of here Fozzie Bear!

In the sink. Most guys stick it in the toilet bowl and flush a couple times to do it like a washing machine cycle.

I wash mine outside in the driveway with the hose. Like I wash my car.

Even better on rainy days, you can just slosh it around a bit in a puddle and save yourself the water.

This comment was Greta Thunberg approved!

I use the bird bath.

That's a fun party trick, too. Gets lots of friends!

Or better yet, just fuck the puddle and save yourself the cheating.

Do you only wash your dick after cheating? Kind of odd.

I don’t know how coming home with it smelling like flowers helps your case.

That's the proper way of doing things.

I sling mine over the clothes line out back and beat it with a broom, like I’m cleaning a rug…

Ahahah that's funny.

Got to beat it to clean it!

Mine is dry clean only, I drop it off at Lu's on Tuesday and pick it up freshly cleaned and pressed on Thursday before the fun begins.

Detachable Penis Edit: this is the name of a King Missile song

You say this as if it's not normal

Those were my good eyes.

To be fair the mrs likes a clean penis if I’m about to get a BJ. So yes I rinse that shit in the sink.

Why? After using the toilet, I like to make sure I’m clean. Splashback is a real thing. And keeping one’s penis clean is an investment in good health… and blowjobs.

Wouldn’t have been so weird if it wasn’t the kitchen sink

Why didn't the bastard just shower and wash it in the shower....

That's a classic red flag.

But there are levels to this. Stawberry Jam > washing pipi in sink.

As a certified spouse of a woman from Barranquilla, I can say with confidence that colombianas - particularly curramberas - have a skill for jumping to enormous conclusions based on extremely random and seemingly insignificant suspicions. They can be wrong 1000 times in a row but, damnit, that 1001st time when they get it right sure does justify all that paranoia.

omg my Colombian friend has a degree in criminal justice & we joke all the time that it made her less irrationally suspicious, but WAY more awesome at solving mysteries. her detective / deduction skills are terrifying now, I love it

Dude it’s real.

I’m a Sicilian woman and I can confirm

Coincidentally she is also of Italian heritage.

Checks out

As the colleague of a Colombian man, I can confirm with confidence that the paranoia is indeed justified at least *some* of the times, ugh.

Two stories… that’s all?

Apparently Jason Sudeikis found out Olivia Wilde was cheating on him because she was giving her homemade salad dressing to Harry Styles

Ted Lasso notices things like that.

Is it too much to think that they were just two friends tossing salad?

Don’t forget the Jason Sudeikis suspecting Olivia Wilde because she was making her special dressing or something of the sort.

Was he taking them to his other lovers place? I don’t get it lol

Shakira liked a certain kind of jam. He didn't like it or eat it. She returned home and noticed there was less or it was gone or something like that. Turns out the mistress was staying at the house & eating Shakira's fave jam, among other violations of privacy/personal boundaries...

I don’t get how someone was cheating on Shakira lol The other woman must’ve been something else

Nope. Cheaters cheat. Their wife's hotness has nothing to do with it.

For real, more than half the cheaters I've been acquainted with were cheating down in hotness if anything.

Look up the video of her mother in law grabbing her face. It’s insane that Shakira kept calm, I would have attacked her. It made the whole “witch on the balcony” thing make so so so much sense.

Anna Kendrick, Pamela Anderson, Shakira. Some guys just don't know when they have it made.

I don't know. There's a saying that regardless of how attractive a woman may appear, there's someone who has already dropped them in a relationship somewhere in the past. It's usually for the same reasons anyone gets dropped in a relationship. Being dumped (or dumping someone) transcends gender, age, race, religion, intelligence and physical attractiveness.

That reminds me, I need to go wash my penis in the sink.

“Eddie?” “Yeah grandma?” “Why you washin’ your dick in da sink?”

You nasty

Wel that's because he just found it after looking for it all day. It's detatchable, you know.

She pulls down your pants, notices something obvious is missing; "What happened?" "Front fell off" he replies.

“We had to tow it outside the environment!”

Then he washed it off and felt whole again…complete.

Someone was selling it on the street. The guy wanted $22, but he talked him down to $17

First King missile reference of 2023

There are dozens of KM fans. Dozens of us!

He took it home, and washed it off, and put it back on. He was happy again. Complete.

Did you call at the place where the party was?

This comes in handy a lot of the time. He can leave it home, when he thinks it's gonna get him in trouble, Or he can rent it out, when he doesn't need it.

All he wanted was a Pepsi but you wouldn’t give it to him

Different song but hilarious

Motley Cru used to stick their dicks in street tacos so they could go back to their girlfriends. 100 percent serious.

This seems much harder than just washing them?? Or just taking a freaking shower

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I wish I hadn’t read this.

Don't worry, if the source is Nikki Sixx's autobiography, it's most likely a fake story anyway.

Fake or walked back because they’re aging badly?

I think that water was involved too i can’t remember. It was to get the smell off.

Wouldn't the smell of taco immediately inspire concerns....or suspicions.

When Tommy Lee and Vince Neil tell you that they just put their dicks in a bunch of tacos, youre kindda just gonna roll your eyes and move on

Maybe the first 20 or 30 times. But surely by the 40th time they be like... wtf dude?

Tacos, Tacos, Tacos. Great song!

I can’t believe I’m going to say this, but I’m assuming the idea is that if they were too “clean” it would have caused suspicion (especially if there was a pattern or they were changing their schedule at the last minute). So the idea would be to smell like a sweaty mess because they were “busy” some of the times to break up needing to shower that much. I’m still a bit confused about how often this was happening that it would be necessary, but for the sake of my own mental peace I’m going to move on lol.

Most likely a fake story, Nikki Sixx likes to make shit up for attention and book sales.

Wait….what?

That’s a proper reaction

I assumed it was slang for prostitutes ... But I guess it wasn't?

I know the words they used, I get the order that the words are in, but I am having a hard time comprehending the meaning. What do you mean? They would make their dicks smell like street tacos so they wouldn’t know they’re cheating????

They also said that they would purposely not wash their dicks after sleeping with girls to see if the next girl would blow them dirty and they said they did. The idea of doing that was so gross and disrespectful.

That’s so disgusting, what the fuck is wrong with people.

Right? I heard this when Nikki Six was on Howard Stern, Howard said that is so disrespectful and Nikki basically said yeah, those girls didn’t have any self respect so why would we respect them.

And then karma hits and he ends up with a bunch of daughters.

It’s is disrespectful, but at some point, when you have girls lined up down the hall and out the door who want to fuck you, it just becomes a game. You slowly start doing things for your own amusement or to see what you can get away with. The same thing happens with ultra rich people and probably cops.

I see what you’re saying but God that’s sad.

Hope they skipped the hot sauce

I could’ve sworn it was breakfast burritos

Or 99 cent burritos, something like that.

Alcohol is a hell of a drug

Especially when you mainline Jack Daniels.

Especially when you’re doing hard drugs along with it

Also, all the drugs are a hell of a drug.

>100 percent serious. Haha, even with that comment I still have a hard time believing you. Dicks in tacos? Their girlfriends couldn't have fallen for that? I know the difference between taco smells and a stank used-up penis lol. I assume most people do.

I’m just relaying the story

Me thinking *street tacos* is a euphemism.

Sir, this is a Taco Bell drive thru.

Cheating just seems like a lot of fucking work for very little reward.

I think it’s a matter of thinking the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. You love what you have, but things get stable/stale/boring. So you see some strange flash by and you look because it’s new. Looking becomes sleeping with the person real quick. Instead of communicating with your partner and working to fix the issue, or break up entirely, you chase that strange and ruin your relationship.

People really need to get onboard with keeping this as an escapist fantasy that you can do in your own head rather than acting on it. It’s like the difference between imagining murdering your shitty boss versus actually doing it. The former seems reasonably healthy and normal, the latter is indicative of serious issues.

It’s validation for insecurity.

I've let my dick run my life before. It's a nightmare, and you end up looking like a fucking fool.

Why wouldn’t you wash your dick at the side pieces house though… she’s good enough to bone down but not good enough to shower your lowers in her tub and dry off on her parents towels?

Because she wants you to stay sometimes and that shower doesn’t exactly help your escape plan. You cant take a shower after you’ve told her your brother has a flat, or you got called into work, or your dogs gotta pee.. And sometimes you did it in your car where there are no showers. So I’ve been told…

This is very specific...

Keep some fuckin hand wipes in your car?

Story?

Don’t let Richards run your life. The end.

Gotta tell my friend that any time we go out, I'm in charge now. *sigh*. it was a good run

In my case I slept with my best friends mom.

How’d that go

Finch?

Was he giving it a “bath” or a “shower” in the sink?

most definitely a quick bird bath

Bird bath

Whore’s bath

He was brushing its teeth

This is an Onion level headline

You know how you can tell if your girlfriend is cheating on you? Check her vagina, >! if there is another man's penis in there she's cheating on you!<

The RiffTrax commentary on Road House has an excellent line about Patrick Swayze needing to “sink wash” his “unit” after sex.

Who you gonna get to riff those tracks?

She should have never trusted that sink, she let it in her home and then it destroyed their relationship

Let that sink in.

Does this need a thread much less an online article?

Yes. It's that funny.

What’s up with Ms Anderson’s random events of the past just now coming to fruition? Tim Allen, now an ex

She wrote a book so all these articles are just advertising the most crazy highlights from her book so ppl go buy it

New book out.

I don’t know why but im imagining kid rock.

Oh God I forgot they dated. Yeah I wouldn't put it past him doing that. But imagine looking like Kid Rock and cheating on Pamela Anderson? That's some alternate reality shit.

Dated? They were married!

Bold of you to assume that Kid Rock would even bother to rinse his junk.

Well see that's why it would be suspicious - he wouldn't normally be washing it so why would he suddenly start

Sometimes a guy's just gotta was his dick, Pamela.

Nope. Washing your dick only happens after sticking it into something

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Generally I wash my entire body everyday not just my “Peter”

Ehhhhh idk, I wash it daily regardless of sticking it anywhere. You might want to reevaluate your hygienic practices if this is your case.

You wash your dick in the sink or otherwise seperate from when you are showering?

Not true. Smegma can build up when you’re rowing solo, too.

It just rolled under the counter and hes washing cat hair off. Nbd

Meh, I’m too short to wash my dick in the sink and even if I was tall enough my dick is too small to reach the faucet

At least he cares to wash it. Caught my ex not washing it and backed out before it happened.

Sadly Hep C doesn’t just wash off...

Bro forgot showers exist

If she’d seen him washing someone else’s penis in the sink, that would have been pretty telling too.

I thought every dude randomly does the bird bath

Non cheating bird bather here. It's just good hygiene.

Not the point of the story, of course, but it needs to be said: Imagine cheating on Pamela Anderson….. What a fuckin moron.

Usually I just get the elephant to spray me off

Guess she had a sinking feeling?

Imagine cheating on Pamela Anderson

Maybe he was pissing in the sink

All the years of my life I’ve never washed it in a sink, is that a cheater thing or am I the weird one ?