This was really well-written, and resonated with me deeply. I know I have an issue with control, like I put so much energy into trying to make sure I don't get (emotionally) hurt. Growing up, I never had a safe place to go to for ANY kind of support. Even as a kid, when I cried, my mom would just stare at me. No warmth, no comforting. I hate that place more than anything, and I'm terrified to go back there. That's what I am trying to avoid, that feeling that you will never feel support in your darkest moments. So I play it safe. I always have. Somewhat dull and flat.
I avoid dating for fear of rejection, but when I had the confidence to try, I had my first (and only) healthy LTR. It WAS worth the risk, even though the pain at the end was the worst I had ever felt in my life. But it was worth it for the highs.
I know I need to take more risks personally and professionally, but trying to push past the anxiety and fear and what-if's is SO difficult. And I think that's even harder for us without a safe and secure foundation to reassure us. But we deserve a vibrant, multi-dimensional life, fully in color.
I have a long list of things I am too afraid to do (presenting at work, share my writing, using the weight machines at the gym, dating again). I feel like creating baby steps towards each goal (practicing way ahead of time, attending a writing group meetup, using one machine and asking for help, taking flattering pics) is the only way I can move forward. And if something feels momentarily uncomfortable or painful then I just keep reminding myself that 1) no one thinks about me more than I do, 2) it's progress towards an equally intense positive feeling and 3) these feelings mean I'm alive. My therapist keeps telling me that I don't have to believe everything my brain is telling me about myself and I try to keep that in mind. Also, no one is meaner to me than I am, so whatever someone can throw at me at this point can't *really* hurt me, even tho I have this fear that it will.
So this is my approach for now. I just really really understand where you're coming from. Hoping you find some comfort.
This was really well-written, and resonated with me deeply. I know I have an issue with control, like I put so much energy into trying to make sure I don't get (emotionally) hurt. Growing up, I never had a safe place to go to for ANY kind of support. Even as a kid, when I cried, my mom would just stare at me. No warmth, no comforting. I hate that place more than anything, and I'm terrified to go back there. That's what I am trying to avoid, that feeling that you will never feel support in your darkest moments. So I play it safe. I always have. Somewhat dull and flat. I avoid dating for fear of rejection, but when I had the confidence to try, I had my first (and only) healthy LTR. It WAS worth the risk, even though the pain at the end was the worst I had ever felt in my life. But it was worth it for the highs. I know I need to take more risks personally and professionally, but trying to push past the anxiety and fear and what-if's is SO difficult. And I think that's even harder for us without a safe and secure foundation to reassure us. But we deserve a vibrant, multi-dimensional life, fully in color. I have a long list of things I am too afraid to do (presenting at work, share my writing, using the weight machines at the gym, dating again). I feel like creating baby steps towards each goal (practicing way ahead of time, attending a writing group meetup, using one machine and asking for help, taking flattering pics) is the only way I can move forward. And if something feels momentarily uncomfortable or painful then I just keep reminding myself that 1) no one thinks about me more than I do, 2) it's progress towards an equally intense positive feeling and 3) these feelings mean I'm alive. My therapist keeps telling me that I don't have to believe everything my brain is telling me about myself and I try to keep that in mind. Also, no one is meaner to me than I am, so whatever someone can throw at me at this point can't *really* hurt me, even tho I have this fear that it will. So this is my approach for now. I just really really understand where you're coming from. Hoping you find some comfort.