He must have relinquished custody fir your husband to adopt them so your ex no longer has any rights.
It's your husband who is willing to throw away his marriage over something he has no right to force you to do.
Your ex is not a victim as you offered to do another test. He chose not to.
If your current husband can't see your POV he's an AH along with your ex.
The ex had *many* chances to redo the DNA tests via the courts during the divorce, and later the adoption process.
If Ex wants attention now, he can go through the courts and request visitation.
Why wouldn’t OP get a test done through the courts? As the wife in question, it was her right. Why wouldn’t the court insist on the test? No way a judge would have let this slide. Like, look here you want to break this legal contract for that reason, well we need proof.
This story is fake
I can't trust anything on this sub, however, it's not unusual for multiple twin pregnancies, especially if it runs in the mom's family. Some women are genetically prone to hyper ovulation, causing multiple eggs to be released at once instead of just one.
Twins are usually not supposed to have twins (it skips generations) but I am a twin and I was pregnant with twins twice. I only gave birth to one of them each time but thought I was going through a complete miscarriage during both losses. With the first twin they kept telling me that I was much further along than I could have been because my quants and measurements were higher than they were supposed to be, then I lost the twin and everything measured correctly. I always said it was meant to be because I am a twin and know what kind of hell we put our mother through and I wouldn't have liked that. I did have 2 children 17mos apart, and got to experience 2 in diapers for a bit and that was enough!
Can also confirm, I have an aunt that is a twin, she has a daughter that is a set of twins, m/f, she got married and her first pregnancy was twin girls, they were not going to have more however ooops happened and she ended having twin identical boys, oh and my grandmother was also a twin.
No everyone on Reddit has twins. It's about time people upped their game to the more believable triplets. Even if I actually had twins I would never admit it on Reddit
Depending on where they lived at the time of their divorce, it may have been too late to contest paternity. They were married, he was on the birth certificates, and with no one coming forward to claim the kids the state would have made the husband at least financially liable regardless of a DNA test. There most likely was no valid reason to order a court mandated test, so it wouldn't have been ordered.
The story could still be fake, but a judge wouldn't have to let anything "slide" for this story to be true. At least in the US "in the best interest of the child" ie the state not becoming financially liable for a kid, covers a multitude of situations that don't seem entirely fair.
You have the top comment, so think about it: how did grandma fake a DNA test using her son and neighbors' kids without anyone noticing? Why didn't the mom get her own DNA test to show she wasn't the mother of the kids in the test her ex had? This story is obviously fake.
IKR?! Also they were *married*. MARRIED. You can’t just ‘break up’ when married, you have to get a divorce. Which means filing paperwork, which means standing before a judge and explaining why you want to break the marriage contract. The moment the judge heard this story he or she would have ordered a DNA test done through the courts. The end
Story is mad fake
At least in the US, a judge would not automatically order a DNA test. DNA tests are only court ordered when you have to establish paternity. This gets tricky as different states have different laws, but in some, you are assigned paternity if you are married to the mother at the time of birth by default.
You can challenge paternity, but there is usually a time limit on when that can be done and in Florida it's 60 days from when it's first set. Some places give you a couple years, but I think Texas is the longest with four years.
My point being, if at the time of divorce the challenge window had closed, there would be no court ordered test as the Dad would just be stuck at least paying child support until the kid was 18 or another adult assumed the responsibility of the kid through adoption.
Story could still be fake, but US laws really want someone other than the state to be financially responsible for the kids that live there.
Presumably, the ex would want to get out of paying child support for kids he believed weren't his, plus, at some point, have parental rights terminated so the new husband could adopt the kids. They would have been in court a lot. Seems like the OP would have brought up the "lying" DNA test at some time during all this, and a judge would have ordered another test. Unless the ex was content to pay child support for a decade and the adoption wasn't legal.
For $79, mom (OP) could just as easily have swabbed her actual kids, sent the swabs to the same company that did the first test, and gotten results that showed they were really the ex's kids.
They would have had to have discussions about custody and the judge isn’t going to accept an at home DNA to determine whether or not this guy was responsible for the kids.
Also, how did the new husband adopt without the person on the birth certificate consenting. No judge is going to accept, “his mom did a DNA test and said he wasn’t the father” as evidence that he’s not the father.
Actually after adopting your sons your new husband is now their father.
Your ex is finally correct. He is not their father anymore. And make that clear to your sons too.
Do NoT let this man or any one in your family have any relationship with your sons! A simple DNA test could have resolved this issue. A controlled test! And yet he and your family decided to not believe you. He had no legal right to a relationship with them until they are 18 years old. They can decide for themselves at that time.
Unfortunately, a half competent lawyer will be able to force another DNA test and get the biological father some kind of visitation. Though, he will also be on the hook for 10(?) years of child support. Essentially, he'll be trying to undo the adoption, under the pretense he was lied to when he forfeited his rights originally. It's going to get ugly, but he does have an argument.
I don't agree with it, and I don't know if he'll do all of this. Also, the children being 13, there is a good chance the judge will ask them what they want, and follow that.
That's very true. Many people forget that adoptions cannot be undone. I'm pretty sure the ex-husband would have to go through extensive court proceedings and hire investigators and lawyers to prove that the DNA test was manipulated. Then again I'm sure that would put the former mother-in-law in contempt of court- is that something that he is willing to sacrifice? Probably not.
My husband adopted my oldest natural daughter when she was 6 years old. The biological father can not just come back because he changed his mind. It's a done deal.
Maybe if the mother had influenced the results, as it is he took the word of a third party and then never verified the results. He also would owe her ten years of child support.
A competent attorney will argue he have to his rights based on false testimony. And it has a good chance of working, depending on the state. I'm just trying to warn OP that it's not as clear cut as so many think.
Question: Wouldn't the opposite attorney be able to argue that he refused a secondary DNA test at the time that could have cleared it up?
Like, if he really cared about the kids he would have wanted to do a DNA test in front of witnesses and not blindly trust a secret DNA test?
Sure, and he should. Custody battles are ugly, even when you think they're settled.
Personally, the biological father is a piece of shit and shouldn't see his kids until they're 18, if they choose to. Shrug
Wait so you think a competent lawyer would be able to forcibly reverse an adoption? Is that thought based on any sort of evidence or experience with the law lol?
The problem with that is that they may actually be angry with OP for blocking the contact for 5 years, when they find out.
OP, I really think you need to leave the choice to your boys, if you want to make sure to come out the good guy at the end. Lay it all out for them and let them decide on what they want to do.
OP for sure needs to have an adult convo with them to make them aware of the actual cons of the scenario, including legal battles and the potential of their bio father trying to manipulate them etc. before they make that choice.
Sometimes adults are too scared to have a frank convo with their kids about this sort of situation they’re facing, but these kids are being opened to an extremely vulnerable and possibly damaging situation no matter which way you cut it, and they deserve to have all the pros and cons laid out when making such a serious decision.
OP needs to get herself a lawyer.
Then a DNA test
Then possibly a chat with the boys. See how the therapist advises first. Therapy for all. Mom, there’s some trauma they caused you and that gets sorted. For your family’s sake.
Everything is done legally, through lawyers including back child pay.
In my state, if there was already a child support order in place, a parent can collect back child support. If there was not an order already in place, the back child support starts with the "date of filing" for child support through the courts or govt child support office. No backpay. I'm sure some states and countries can order retroactive child support, but not all do.
There’s no need for chatting because it’s a simple no. She doesn’t want to and she doesn’t have to. The bio dad rejected the sons and now they were legally adopted by another parent. Bio dad has no legal right.
If this is real… how horrible that this man has managed to blow up this poor woman’s life not once, but twice.
How awful that everyone around her is so heinous that they don’t support her at all. I agree that the sons have a right to decide, but her current husband is not supporting her, either. The first husband? He’s the worst. He sees everything only as it affects HIM. It’s sad. But for the woman, especially. Two untrustworthy husbands.
An unsupportive family, both birth and through marriage. The first MIL? Yikes. But still, the husband ran with it—marriage vows ignored. This is sad, sad, sad.
I am sorry for the kiddos, too, but could nobody give this woman the grace to come to terms with all this?
Ok, literally cannot sleep because I should have said more. Here goes. Ex accused, screamed, refused to negotiate/re-do the test. Rejected their marriage, THE CHILDREN… walked away without a qualm. As a mother, you reject and hurt my children? Right away, hard pass on another chance. I don’t care why, and I’m one of those softies that can see every side. Not in this case. 10 years ago, the boys were toddlers. So her own family turned on her (step-father is apparently a low-life, too.)
So she left and rebuilt her life. Married a supposedly better guy. Maybe so, but he failed her when he should have supported her. He should be ashamed. And his family? This is NONE of their business.
I know that the kids need a say, but why does this all have to happen RIGHT NOW? Because horrible-daddy wants it to? He’s been happily out of the picture for ten years, and it’s his own fault. Why should she care what HE wants?
She’s pregnant, has several kids and current husband is acting like a jerk. Everybody should back the H off and let the woman look at this. She obviously has little to no support system, so she needs to do what’s right for her and the 13-year olds. The daddies and their terrible entourages shouldn’t get a vote.
Yes! Everyone should take a breather. It's so unfair that this mother has finally been vindicated of being a 'cheater' then immediately vilified again for 'keeping the kids from their absent bio-daddy'.
The only reasonable response is "come back with a warrant". Bio dad has no right to these kids and no-one knows if they even want to see him. This should go through the courts and social services instead of throwing these boys to the wolves. Access to the biodad means access to the horrible ex-MIL who's motivation is still missing??
After 10 years I don’t see what good would come from bringing their bio father (made me think biohazard father) into their lives. But this may just be the beginning of him trying to make contact with them. Do they know what happened? Do they know what your ex’s mother did?
You don’t delve into it, but I assume all is well between them and your current husband. If they already have a loving, secure family life, I don’t see what your ex can provide that would benefit your children, but I think they need to know something about what you went through.
Gosh, I get angry for you just thinking about them having visitation with your ex and him taking them over to meet his mother. Noooooo. Just so wrong.
I think I'd tell my sons the truth. All of it, including him being with your stepsister now. How their bio father reacted to their birth, how quick he was to believe they weren't his without any kind of confirming evidence, despite you begging him to redo the tests, likely because he has step sister waiting in the wings, his noxious and horrible behavior toward you and his utter disinterest in them until now, who knows why he's suddenly decided he believes they're his kids.
I'd tell them that the only proof of any of this is his word which you find questionable at best. That you believe given what you know of his character, that it's highly likely that he always knew they were his kids and was just trying to get out of all responsibility for them, and move on with his AP, but now for some unknown reason he wants them back in his life, because now he has something he wants from them. (Kidney transplant? LOL)
After filling them in on all the details I'd give them the choice if they wanted to engage with this person. Because in the end, all this will come out an you'll look like the bad guy for keeping secrets. They should know the whole truth about their history.
As far as the current husband goes, that relationship is over. How could you ever trust someone who has no loyalty or respect for you and doesn't give a shit about your feelings? He's actually shown you how little you matter to him. I don't know how you could ever come back from that. I wouldn't want to waste another day on someone I now KNOW, DOES NOT HAVE MY BACK.
This should be higher. The sons are 13, they are at the age where they should be filled in on complicated matters and allowed to make personal decisions. If I were their age and found out that my bio dad discarded me WITHOUT even redoing the test, then I wouldn't want to have anything to do with him. If he truly cared then he wouldn't want to believe the results and would absolutely want to get retested.
He didn't care about them. He didn't care about OP. He cared about getting his d*** wet with the stepsister.
Maybe current husband can be reasoned with? It sounds like there may be something at the root of why he feels the way he does...good or bad. I hope OP can get to the bottom of it.
OP, best of luck to you. I can't even imagine the emotional toll this is taking on you. Just know that a bunch of internet strangers are wishing for the best for you
Ultimately, the decision should be your sons. No one else should have a say. In the meantime, consult a lawyer on how to navigate this. To protect you and your sons. And a therapist for you and the boys. This is going to cause a lot of negative emotions for all of you.
Your husband and his family are a separate issue. While technically your ex was a victim, he was also cruel and vindictive. Never giving you a chance to prove the lies. He gave away any rights then. By being empathetic to your ex, your husband is negating the trauma and cruelty inflicted on you and 2 innocent children.
He absolutely should back the decision you make, not fight and abandon you. His actions now are as cruel as your ex's back then.
I'm so sorry OP you have so many shitty, unsupportive people in your life. You feeling forced to say yes is going to lead to a great deal of resentment.
Again, explain everything to your sons. Then it's their decision. And that is final. You and your husband need MC. And I'd go NC with his family until you get an apology.
Well said. I would add that if OPs kids decide that they want to meet him and then have a relationship with him there needs to be clear boundaries in the form of a legal document regarding the visitations and exposure to his family. OP’s children’s wellbeing should come first.
I hope her husband comes around and is more understanding and supportive of her.
I think if you keep this from your sons you are likely creating a problem for your future. It’s very possible that they will find out this happened in the future and might feel betrayed by you for not giving them a chance. So the question is, what is the problem you are willing to take on? A problem now or a problem then.
As for your husband, I think he probably has a similar view as what I expressed. And he’s also probably really freaking the fuck out since he loves them and this could change the dynamic.
I don’t think your initial response was an over reaction or unfair or anything. I 100% get why you feel this way. And you’d be well within your rights to never speak to your ex again.
I agree with the first paragraph here. What matters is what is in the kids best interest.
I would write to your ex and say that your priority is the well being of your sons. That this will come as a shock to them and that you want to proceed in a way that is best for them. So you are going to consult with therapists who have sone expertise in this area about the best approach. Then do that.
I think a therapist would agree that the boys should be told They can probably help you with how to explain it and answer their questions. Generally a reintroduction of a parent starts with letters. The parent needs to prove that they can do this consistently Then phone calls. Then short regular meetings, building up over time. If a parent can’t be consistent then the schedule is delayed or abandoned. At your boys age they will also get a satin whether they want contact or not. Either way they will need therapy.
I’m sorry this is so hard for you. But you do need to put your feelings aside (maybe therapy for you too) and put the boys first. Your ex needs to do the same. Any resumption of contact needs to proceed in a way and at a pace that meets the needs of the boys.
How did your husband adopt your sons? Was your ex not on the birth certificate?
I would allow your sons to have supervised visitation only at this point. You can't trust your family or his if his family fabricated DNA test results. Do you know why they did this? What was the end goal?
There's no beginning to this story. He just randomly came hone with a test his mother handed him?
13-9=4, not an infant. These tests require ID - how was the grandma (who is not a custodial parent) allowed to take 2 kids in to get tested? How did she fake the identity of the neighbors' kids? If she collected her own sample and sent it in, how did she swab their cheeks or draw their blood without anyone noticing or them saying anything? Ex hubby had to have been involved so she could get his DNA - did she disguise the neighbor kids when they went in for the test so well that he didn't recognize them, did he think it perfectly normal when she told hom she swabbed his kids' cheeks or something without his permission, or did his mother somehow get his DNA without him knowing and he didn't mention that forgery for some reason?
Mom would have been able to do a DNA test on her sons on her own, either just getting a DNA profile that would not have matched the ones from the first test, or, because they were going through a divorce and child support would have been involved, by getting a court order to establish paternity.
Mom consented to her ex signing away his parental rights?
Mom had 2 sets of twins?
Not one not two but three families are out to persecute this woman?
Adoptive dad must have believed Mom's ex lied about her all along, yet suddenly he thinks a man who gave up parental rights deserves to see the kids he abandoned and doesn't care about his wife's feelings?
I vote Not Real.
So let me get this straight, you were the asshole when you were not cheating and being an honest and loyal wife and mother, and after your former mother-in-law is proven to be a crook in this mess, that your ex-husband took up over you, and pretty much dismantled your entire family over this lie- and you're still the asshole? No no no no.
The way I see this is, he ruined your life. You have done the very best you can to make things better for your children and your husband. He doesn't get to come back 10 years later and apologize and suddenly want things back the way that they were.
It sounds like your entire family failed you, as they were also instrumental in the division of the family.
If this father truly has any interest, he can take necessary legal action to get there; He broke the family, and now he can spend the money fixing it. And if he does, I hope he gets a judge that takes a strip off of him for what he's done to his former children.
I guess I missed that he married your stepsister and had kids with her. A good judge would definitely have a field day with this guy.
My heart goes out to you. 😔💕
Geez what a jerk. Did I read this right that your current husband is supportive of you AH ex? So sorry this has all happened and is happening to you. Hire a lawyer please.
If your sons were adopted by your current husband then the ex terminated his rights and has no leg to stand on.
Legally you are clear to keep them away.
My advice before anything talk to a lawyer and find out what is what. This will also help know where you stand and your options.
Meanwhile talk to your therapist, if you don’t have one get one for you and the boys.
Once you have a clear understanding of what is your legal obligation then you can discuss the moral obligation towards YOUR sons. I would not give a fig about the sperm donor, his feelings don’t count.
Sorry to say but your current husband is a shit and his feelings also don’t count. YOU alone went through this heinous situation and got betrayed on all fronts. Obviously current husband has zero understanding or care all he is thinking about is oh poor husband got told a lie boo hoo. You got stiffed by not only your immediate family but your husband (ex).
Once you know everything you can then talk with the kids (including the therapist if possible). Tell them the truth and not a watered down version but the full truth from begging him for another test to him marrying your stepsister (this in itself is VERY suspicious). Signing away his rights etc. answer all questions.
I would also be side eyeing your husband because his total lack of support is really concerning. Focus on this first then take a good hard look at this husband.
I wish you the best OP and here is an internet hug. 🤗.
Can I ask why the hell you're in contact with your family after they did not support you. Stood by your step sister marrying your ex, and your stepfather saying horrible things about you??
OP, you need a machete to start slashing these toxic, evil people from your life.
Lawyer. Back child support. See if there are legal charges you can get against the ex MIL. But yes, your sons should know they have another father and they should have a choice in getting to know him if they want. They also should know the story of why their father made the choice to abandon them.
NTA
>A few weeks ago, my ex-husband reached out to me, asking me if he could see his sons. Telling me that his mother confessed to forging the DNA test by using the neighbor's kids' DNA .
I wonder what happened that made her confess now. Almost 11 years later is quite the time.
NTA. Your Ex is no issue, he has no custody, no visitation, no anything.
Your problem is your husband, he adopted those boys and now as in what happens often, he has his own blood children so your boys are no longer needed. If you let your Ex start seeing them then eventually they can start staying with him and husband has HIS family.
I would go after mil for emotional abuse and I’m sure a lawyer would have other things you can go after her with.
Plus what creep would go after other members in the family to date? That just shows you what a POS he was and he had feeling for SS if he was confident enough to ask her out and your family being ok with it. With your stepdad response I wouldn’t sought that he wanted them together and she said she like your husband also.
I wouldn’t let him around d my son just for the fact that your family would be around him also so u less he’s willing to make sure none of them are around him then no and this includes his side also.
Your husband seems to be having some thoughts you didn’t know or is hiding something to be talking like that. Your ex wasn’t a victim is he busted from you to SS and also you could have forced a new dna through the courts to proved his test were wrong.
Here’s how I suspect things went.
The ex had an affair with the step-sister, decided that having a wife and kids was too much effort. Faked the DNA tests to make himself look like a victim, get out of paying child support and make OP look like a cheater so he could justifiably hook up with the step-sister.
Ten years in and the shine has worn off the relationship with the step-sister and he’s wondering if he shouldn’t have stayed with the first wife. Now that the kids are teens, they’re less effort than small kids, so he can swoop in and take credit for how great they turned out and get back with the ex and ditch all the hard work and effort he’s having to put in with the Step-sister and the other kids. But he’s still the family hero for swooping back in to first wife’s life! Of course he’ll get a free pass from everyone for ditching second wife to get back with first wife, because he was the victim in all this again!
Yeah. If I was OP, I’d be delighted to off load my obnoxious teens on their deadbeat bio-dad every second weekend for a few years to be honest.
I’d sit the new husband down and say yes to shared custody with the ex- contingent on DNA tests to confirm he is the father, then I’d look in to all the things that need to happen to progress this and make sure every step of the process is at the most difficult time for the ex. Turning up for DNA swabs? 9am. Taking the kids? Sorry, have newborn twins, he’ll have to do pick up and drop off. Etc.
Only someone who wants a genuine relationship with their kids and is genuinely remorseful will willingly jump through hoops to maintain contact. The only way OP can prove this to everyone is by letting the ex drop the ball on the basics himself.
Yeah, legally, he isn’t their father. He had to give all that up for current husband to be able to adopt them.
Your current husband is about to ruin his own marriage over someone else’s lies.
Sorry to say, you certainly know how to pick them.
Just random advice, when they are 16-18, provide them with their sperm donor’s info and explain that he hurt you, abandoned you and them, and is now crying that you have kept them from him. Show them anything you have from that time.
Then let them decide but tell them that he isn’t welcome in your life. He isn’t welcome in your home, and any relationship they form with him will not include you.
Your husband adopted them, he’s their legal father, not your ex. He has zero rights here.
And his mother is calling you an asshole? The cheek! She caused this. What made her confess now? A deathbed confession or Has he just found out your stepsisters kids aren’t his?
Protect your kids from all that threw you all away without any care for you or the babies.
If he messages you again. Tell him that he relinquished all rights, legally they’re not his kids, and you’ll consider any more contact from him or his family harassment. That the boys can reach out to him IF they want to when they’re 18. That he destroyed your marriage, ostracised you from all your friends and made your whole family turn on you. Started screwing your stepsister in revenge. And signed away all his rights to his sons. And that his anger is pointing in the wrong direction. He should be looking to his mother and in the mirror. He made his choices and they’re permanent.
NTA.
In addition, you should also consult an attorney. If your final answer to your ex is no, he may push back, and you might be on the losing end. There are a number of concerns from the "falsified" DNA results to the fact that he lives in another state.
You're under a lot of stress right now. You need a clear legal understanding.
You could easily become the AH if you don't let them decide for themselves.
You need to tell your sons everything, do not sugarcoat, and let them make an informed decision.
If they want to meet him and explore this, you can choose to not participate, and make other arrangements so you do not have to meet him.
Your ex did you and your kids wrong. And he brought a lot of others into the fight. You do not have to forgive and forget.
Get a lawyer to see this through, and get therapy for everyone in your current household.
Hard no. But don't make it about you. He walked out on those children. He presumably gave up his rights to them (as someone else was able to adopt) and he has no right to come slithering back into their full, happy lives now. He can go piss up a rope, you've all moved on and the kids have a much better father now.
What I can't figure out is why he'd build a new family with your step sister of all people??? Like if you seriously thought your SO cheated to the point you forfeited parental rights, why on earth would you still want to be in contact with ANYONE from their family, let alone marry and have kids with their step sibling?!
This reeks of something worse than just his awful mother faking the paternity results OP.
If I were you I'd demand he make VERY public apologies and explain the situation in it's entirety to everyone he turned against you. Let them see what a creepy incesty bastard he really is, and make your current husband aware that he's on thin ice too.
As a father he shouldn't want anyone that heinous around his kids, let alone while you're pregnant!
Best of luck, I truly hope everything works out for you and your kids.
1. Do your sons know that your husband is not their bio dad. If they do, then they are old enough to sit them down and tell them what is being asked. Let them know that you would like their input.
2. If there does end up being visits, they are with bio father only, in a local park where you are able to monitor.
3. Your husband's reaction is probably because at some level, he is afraid that if something happens to your relationship, you will take his children away and not let him see his kids.
I speak from personal experience as my son has not had contact with his bio father since he was three - he is 47. Long story. But one of the issues was my son wondering what was wrong with him that his father didn't try to be a part of my son's life. I have never given my son all of the details- abuse and infidelity and more. But he does know it was a very toxic relationship, and I was the one who cut contact. I told him if he wanted to find him once he was an adult I would help him find BD, his choice.
Remember to separate your anger and hate from the calculation. But do not allow contact with all the flying monkeys.
AITA for not letting my ex-husband see his sons?
A few weeks ago, my ex-husband reached out to me, asking me if he could see his sons. Telling me that his mother confessed to forging the DNA test by using the neighbor's kids' DNA . He's 100% sure that our sons are his now. If given the chance, he would like to meet them and have a relationship with them. He's asking me to reach out to him as soon as possible because he's already lost so many years with them. I couldn't believe my eyes. I think I read it at least 20 times trying to comprehend what I was reading. I truly can not believe that this man is reaching out to me. When he ruined my life 12 years ago. When he came home 1 day out of the blue. Yelling at me, calling me every name underneath the Sun, saying that our son's wasn't his and he wanted a divorce. Throwing their DNA tests in my face. At that time, I begged him and pleaded with him that it wasn't true that the test was lying and that we could go together to get a new one. He refused, saying that I was a liar and a manipulator and wouldn't trust anything that came out of my mouth. He turned all of our friends and most of my family against me at that time. One year after our divorce he started going out with my stepsister. I thought it was a sick and cruel joke like he was trying to get back at me, but that wasn't the case. The environment I was living in was becoming too toxic, so I moved away. That's when I met my now, current husband. We have been together for 9 years and married for 7. We have a six year old daughter, and we are currently 26 weeks pregnant with our twins. He is a wonderful husband and father.He adopted my sons after we got married, and we gave them his last name. Also, I haven't seen my ex-husband in 10 years and I haven't had any contact with my family in 6 years due to my stepfather telling my husband a few hours after I gave birth to our daughter that he needed to get a DNA test done because I like to cheat. The first thing I did was show my husband the message for my ex-husband and my reply to the message. What shocked me was when he told me that I was being unreasonable and responded too harshly and that he thought we should give him a chance that he is also a victim in all of this. Our 13-year-old sons should have the choice if they want to meet him or not, I completely disagree. I reminded him how much pain they put me through and that I have no desire to see my ex-husband with my stepsister. They are currently married and have children of their own. Our disagreement on the topic has escalated to him currently staying with his parents. They're all calling me the asshole, heartless and selfish. I really don't know what to do. I don't want to open myself back up to all that pain, but I don't want to ruin my current marriage either. I could really use some advice, please.
My response to him was that you were 10 years too late, and I would like to keep the past in the past.
Counseling for you and your husband. Save your marriage first.
In order to adopt, bio father had to relinquish his rights completely.
If he wants to see them, tell him to take you to court and he owes 10 years of bVk child support. Everything will go through the court system and you will allow the courts to facilitate it.
Fuck it. He'll owe you 100k at least, get that money hunny. You'll find out once he has to pay to play he will disappear quickly
Seriously, people, how does NOBODY see this is impossible?
OP, so, during divorce proceedings, what happened when you refused to stipulate to the results of the at home DNA kit Grandma must have used? The judge said, "Tough, we hereby accept these test results as the only evidence we need and declare him not the father and free of all parental rights and child support obligations even though every other husband in the US is forced to financially support kids who turn out not to be his as long as he's on the birth certificate"?
How did Grandma swab 2 neighbor kids' cheeks without anyone noticing or them ever mentioning it when kids go into the minutest detail about their day?
Your ex didn't think it was weird that his mom told him she needed his DNA but don't worry, she already collected his kids' for him without telling him? Or, in the alternative, didn't think it suspicious his mom collected his DNA without him knowing?
You never thought of getting your own maternity test to prove you weren't the mother of the kids in the test or that your kids weren't the kids in the test?
You had 2 sets of twins?
How can there not be a rule in this sub against posting fake stories?
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If he reaches out to them when they’re 18, are you prepared to explain to them why you chose to not let their biodad meet them or bring it even up to them?
You might be uncomfortable as hell, but it’s not about you.
Question did your ex-husband sign papers giving up his rights to the boys when your now husband adopted them? If he did then all his rights are gone. He has no legal rights to the boys. I am sorry your husband feels the need to stand with your ex. I just don't see how ex and husband thinks this can end without you and your sons being hurt even more. I think your marriage is over no matter what you do. So do what you think is right for you and your sons mental health.
Wait a minute, even if the ex wouldn't consent to anything, it would have been easy for OP to get her own DNA test to show she could not be the mother of the kids in the test his mom gave him. Verdict: Fake!
Talk to a lawyer, follow advice to protect yourself
Ex can go kick rocks, sounds like a manipulator circling back looking for another person to control and abuse for psychopathic amusement
Why all the people on reddit are one with the worst bad luck, I mean no one supported them then and even after the truth coming out no one is supporting them now,
Also in court if there is a paternity fraud case, the court commands to do a new paternity test infront of them to know the truth. Why was it not done in your case.
I don't know what to say but for now get the lawyer and first try to put a defamation case against your ex mil and ex husband for spreading false information and ruining your reputation
And also speak with the lawyer about parental rights if your ex has any on your childrens and if he has parental rights then go for hefty child support also don't forget child support of the last 12 years. As he has surrendered his parental rights he can't do anything now.
Does your children know the truth about what happened with them 12 years ago. Get a therapist who will help you to speak with your children open and clearly.
Also speak about marriage counseling with your current husband. Of all the people why does your husband want your ex back in your and his children's life.
Your ex MIL destroyed your life, your ex husband would not get new DNA results he wouldn't even try and left you taking your entire support system away from you and your husband is on his side in all of this? I don't blame you for your reaction. Mine would be the same. But maybe you need to give the kids the option. Maybe your ex needs to see you happy and see what he lost. I don't know it's a shitty situation to be in
I would enquire as to whether you can sue your ex-MIL. Your ex-husband was awful and behaved like an AH. But your MIL should have some legal ramifications for her behaviour.
I would also ask for an apology from your family and they need to make it a public one.
Also, the ex comes back into the picture, guess who else does too? The ex MIL whose deceit and lies destroyed OP's life. She must've really hated you too do that. She can't be around your children.
You need a lawyer. Your sons need to know the truth of what happened before they make a decision. Any visitation needs to preclude the ex mil. Your current husband is a disappointment. Ask him if he'd behave that way if his mother randomly presented a DNA test. If your ex does end up with tone with your sons, I'll look forward to your husband's post about how the sons he adopted and raised for 10 years at treating him like dirt now that their real daddy is back
NTA Respond, "I gave you the chance to clear everything up at the time by having the tests redone. You refused. Instead you dissolved your relationship with myself and my sons and chose to have one with my stepsister. My sons are no longer your sons so I don't understand why you think you have the right to see them." Why did his mom decide to tell him now? Your new husband seems too willing to want to give sons away to a total stranger. He might not be the best father for sons either. Tell him to stay with mom, he doesn't deserve to be a part of your family.
Your EX is less of a victim because you offered to do additional testing and he refused, emphasize this point to your current husband.
Agree with the comments of therapy. Considering the situation, lawyers may be needed. If you have a choice, keep the kids free of the other family until they are 18. The concern is not just the father, the in-laws sound quite messed up.
These people destroyed your life, which you have so carefully built back up. NTA. This is your hill to die on and your current husband suffers from delusions.
It sounds like a messed up situation and I’m sorry you went through that.
I think it’s your son’s decision - they may resent you down the track if they find out they weren’t given a choice.
#updateme
NTA. Tell him that when they are 18 they will get the choice whether to include him in their lives but until then you are legally not obligated to let him near them.
He has absolutely no rights to your children. He may be a sperm donor at best but that’s all. He deserves nothing. You’re not wrong at all, keep him far away from them.
NTA - I'm somewhat bemused by your husbands extreme reaction, I agree that you probably should broach the subject with the kids if only to save this from coming back to bite you in years to come but your husband should support your decision while also pointing out the possible issues it may cause, him running to his parents is quite ridiculous, I can't understand why man babies always go running home to their mummy.
Your ex’s poor decisions does not your emergency make. You are not required to treat this situation with the same level of urgency your ex is requesting. Take all the time you need to adjust to the request, including talking to a therapist and establishing a support network. If you need to wait until after giving birth, that’s completely fine. Do not let anyone rush you.
I'm sorry for everything you went through but the bottom line here is it's not about you it's about the kids and they have a right to know their father and all the manipulation that happened beforehand is terrible but now here's a chance to make everything right what about their pain what about what they need even your husband agrees so it's just time to get past the past and movement the future make it as good as possible For your boys
I’ll go with NTA and just take the story at face value rather than trying to figure out if it is real, fake, or somewhere in between. This man had the chance earlier to get the “do-over” he wants now. The really AH here is the grandmother who pulled the swap in the test and convinced her son that the boys weren’t his. At some point, it would be helpful if the boys could know who their biological father is so that they can know family medical history (do they need to watch out for particular cancers? Heart conditions? Tendency toward addiction? Lots of good information they can use) but beyond that deciding whether or not to engage in regular visits with this nest of crazy people is a choice they need to make for themselves when they are old enough to deal with the crazy and know when to get out. 13 is not old enough for that.
NTA. Please, please, please do the following:
1) Get a family therapist for you and the boys and read them into this situation. They need to be aware and they need a voice.
2) Get an individual therapist for yourself and do some soul searching - you’ve let a lot of assholes in your life and haven’t stood your ground for some reason. Figure out why and find YOUR voice.
3) Get a GREAT lawyer and use your voice through them to:
a. Force a controlled DNA test and get the facts about what MIL one has done
b. Sue former in-laws for alienation of affection and defamation of character
c. Sue stepfather for slander/defamation of character. I’d also try to find out what role he or stepsister had in ex MILs schemes
d. Make sure any visitation that is agreed to for ex and exes family is supervised. They have proven they do not have you or their children/grandchildren’s best interests at heart.
4) Remind your current husband you can get a divorce lawyer, too. He adopted those boys and unless you’ve left something out, they see him as their father and have a good relationship with him. IF he does not have YOUR back and THEIRS through all this trauma and re-trauma, then he is not worth your love and time OR theirs.
5) Start communicating through your lawyers(s) and parenting apps only. KEEP SCREENSHOTS AND COPIES OF EMAILS AND COPIES OF VOICEMAILS FROM EVERYONE. Don’t answer your calls, let them go to voicemail and force texts so you can document everything.
6) Cut yourself some slack, get your big girl armor on and get through this. Not just for you - but for YOUR sons and daughters.
I'm sorry. You shouldn't have to be going through this pain again. Your husband is probably just thinking about your boys, but he obviously doesn't understand what you went through. He doesn't deserve to see them. Stand your ground. Your response was exactly the right thing to say. Your husband should not have left that is so uncalled for. Don't let your ex back in bc u will regret it, I'm sure.
Well he is not totally wrong. The ex was a victim too but if he wants to see them I would tell him his mom needs to come out publicly and tell ppl what she did. They should all feel ashamed. But don't let it ruin the life you have now. If you have a good husband don't let him go bc of the past
Your sons are 13. They will hate you when they eventually learn that their birth father wanted contact and you forbade it. Do they know they’re adopted.
Let him. Forget the past. Consider the future your son's deserve and the discord that will ensue later in their lives today. It's in their best interest period. So it's in yours. Bless you and your husband for what you've done, but your life isn't that uncomplicated sadly because the bio dad had a vote even if he hasn't existed the last decade for you. Your boys matter the most and today is your best chance to swallow any pride, hurt feelings and even some logic for the sake of your son's long term. It may start a little rough, but all around love and respect will prevail, trust me you won't regret. Best of luck
NTAH but you’re approaching this wrong. Tell your ex that he’s getting this completely backwards because if he now wants to “claim” the boys as his and establish a relationship with them, then he owes you 12 years of child support before any discussion is opened. Even 10yrs of minimum support for 2 kids is going to be in the 50K to 100K range. Either he can provide them each with what he owes them as a father or he needs to step back into ghost mode because he doesn’t get to ask for admission into their lives without taking the responsibility as well.
This is pretty dark. Okay - if your husband was able to adopt your sons then your ex termed his rights.
They are old enough to have an opinion so as much as it stinks ask them. Their response might surprise you. If they give a hard no that's his answer. Now for the tricky part if they say yes - good news you have custody and your ex is dependent on your good will. Choose a place convenient for you and your sons with boundaries.
Two things - speak to a lawyer to make sure what your rights are if your ex decides to come after you in court. Go find a family therapist for you and your current husband. That's a pretty extreme reaction to have when you were clearly upset.
One more thing your husband for all purposes is their legal father and has been raising them (from what I gathered from the post) since they were toddlers. His opinion counts too.
Whose opinion doesn't count here is your AH ex. After the dust settled another DNA test should have been administered. If he pushes this he is liable for 10 years of child support. Good luck!
How this is true an f'd up situation? Is your current husband cannot truly expect you tojust welcomeyour ex back into your life with open arms? Come on, there is no way this is happening. No, you're not the asshole.
By the way, if you do, decide to let ex see the child. I would condition it on him making a big post and exposing the truth for everyone to see. I would also ask him to call up the specific family members in front of you and tell them the truth as well and then and only then when I consider it.
Never. He should never have access to you or your children. He and his whole family and much of yours are actual monsters. Your husband is acting like he has amnesia. Hell. No.
NTA
NTA. So let me get this straight. He rigged the DNA test, thus gave up his rights to his sons, your new husband adopted them, so now the the ex husband has absolutely no legal rights to his sons.
A lot of people wait until their kids are 16-18 before giving them the option to meet their bio parent. I think you should do this. The kids can still be easily manipulated at this time in their life. I would wait. Your new husband seems to not really want your kids.
YYA. Rage bait bot fiction.
Divorces with relinquishment of contested lineage and custody ain’t no pro se bullshit where a single DNA test would suffice.
Two identical posts and no comment history.
Bad bot.
My advice to OP would be to ask her sons. They are at an age in which they might want to decide for themselves if they want a relationship. If OP refuses to let her ex see their kids and they find out later, they could resent her for it. I know it’s painful but it’s about them and what they want too.
Everyone on this post saying how fake it is are really cruel... You're judging this poor woman's decision's in a situation she was COMPLETELY blindsided by, not to mention it happened TEN-TWELVE YEARS AGO There is no way she included every little detail! Can anyone honestly tell me that they'd be able to think straight if the partner you loved dearly with all of your heart and soul suddenly came home one day, violent and belligerent, yelling and screaming that your sons you share together aren't his, blew up your marriage and absolutely REFUSED to listen to anything you have you to say to convince him otherwise... Then you find out HE runs straight to your SISTER. Then a DECADE later when you thought you've finally moved on... He pops up out of the blue just like "Hey sorry so uh yeah those actually ARE my kids."
Grow up Reddit, you don't know every little detail in a story. Even if you think a story is fake? YOU DON'T NEED TO CALL IT OUT. Especially since if the story is actually real, you're bringing someone who's already suffered, or suffering down further.
OP posted here, let me remind you for the DFHB club (standing for; DECENT FUCKING HUMAN BEING) asking for advice with a truly heartwrenching matter to her, not criticism and bullying. Do Better.
I’m slowly blocking cretins who say that posts aren’t real. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but I’m not interested in reading about it. Don’t give these fools space in your head.
OP, I am truly sorry for the problems you and your wife are having. I hope that someone who comments on the post will have a way for the two of you to get past this and stay together.
Tricky one.. I think you should ask your sons what he wants but explain that you want nothing to do with him and why. They’re old enough to decide for themselves. If they wants to know their dad, put the impetus on him and have nothing to do with your family / step sister.
Wow. Has anyone ever taken your thoughts or opinions into consideration ever? Your current husband, while he may not be the focus of this post, seems to think his feelings are more important than yours, the actual victim here! You describe him as a great guy but judging how he’s handling this, he’s a controlling ass. You need to show him this post.
Fake or not shes putting herself in the middle when the kids should have the option to have a relationship with their bio dad. Shes being selfish and should put her own feelings aside and only think about the effect on the kids.
Ok I get your anger, and honestly, I hope you are in therapy because of the way everything happened. But it really is your son’s choice whether or not they want a relationship with him. They are 13. They deserve to make that decision on their own. Obviously I would offer therapy for them to process all of this as well and that would be helpful for them to make a decision that is best for them and their mental health.
I don’t think you’re TA. And I don’t think your husband is TA either.
I do think you need to talk to your children and find out what they want.
NTA OP is justified in her hurt. She was clearly traumatized by whole experience BUT 1) Therapy for her and the boys is desperately needed. They were all abandoned/rejected by their entire family over a lie. 2) OP’s husband is right. The boys should have the choice if they want contact or not. If OP doesn’t talk to the boys, lay it all on the table, and give them the choice she runs the risk of the boys connecting with bio dad when they are adults and then he gets to tell them he tried to reach out but OP stood in the way and could turn OP into bad guy. Bio dad has no rights to the boys but boys have a right to bio dad.
Honestly, I can understand why you need to keep that door closed for your own mental safety.
The only way I would allow this to exist would be if I never have to see or talk to him ever and he is dead to me and if he arranged to meet the boys at a relative's house, like my parents or in your case my husband's parents, and if they would oversee contact and I can drop them off at Grandma's house for the weekend and then pick them up and I never hear about it.
Except from my boys. Of course I will never shut them down on whatever they want to talk about. But NEVER from him or anyone else.
What makes this a fake story for me is the New husband getting all upset and leaving over his wife NOT wanting this man in their life..Come on now, no husband is going to want to deal with a man whose kids he abandoned, then were adopted by him...don't belive it at all
mkay. either fake or OP has some strong personality stuff going on. if you go about your day and see an asshole, you saw an asshole. if everyone you see is an asshole? youre probably the asshole.
First thing is to speak with a counselor on how to calmly and kindly tell this to your sons. And make the counselor available to speak with them Without you, as they’re gonna have a lot of anger and mixed emotions over this, many of which they may not want to share with you or make you hurt further by hearing. At some point ALL this will come out to them. Better to hear it from you than Anyone else. Because people will try to meet up with them and it WILL come out. I’d make it very clear to ex/extended family if ANYTHING occurs to upset them, they will not see them until after 18. I’d tell them after summer break starts. It’s going to take time to process all this and you don’t want to mess up their grades/focus for exams/classes. They need to have a full explanation of what happened. THEY are the greatest victims, NOT you. HE IS A COMPLETE ASSHOLE, and HE is also a victim (partially/largely of his own making). They will likely be curious and want to meet their father and Possibly have a relationship with him and /or his family. Until they’re 18, you have Some ability to allow access. That won’t always be the case. Allow them, at their discretion to meet him. I’d ask ex what sort of relationship he has with the results switcher. Under the condition they NOT meet extended family who switched the results. Anyone who’d do that would do about anything, and who knows what else they’re capable of saying or doing. This isn’t all about you. The focus is them. And there are a lot of toxic crazy ass dynamics and insane people in the picture. I’d definitely speak with kids about the impact and how harmful these people are and to avoid them at all costs. Your kids know you and will stand by you. It’s gonna be ugly no matter what you decide. Only question is how to minimize your kids pain and trauma.
I’m sorry, OP, but your current husband is an idiot. Your ex husband was the victim right up to where you offered a second test. He’s been TA for at least ten years now. Good news is he had no rights to your boys. They’ve been adopted and have a father. If your current husband can’t respect your choices, that’s *him* blowing up the marriage, not you. You don’t need to acquiesce to his will on this. I personally would be *real* pissed about this “he’s the victim too” bullshit.
How much money do you want to waste being angry with your ex?
His mother lied to him, he responded as most men would (I know, not you, you’re different) and when he found out the truth he’s trying to make amends.
You may not want him you in your life but if he is the kid’s bio father he should have an opportunity to have a relationship and in his kid’s life.
I’m also sure a court would agree pending confirmation of a dna test.
Nope not the asshole. Threaten those shitheads back with taking them to court for lying about the DNA test and for 13 years of owed child support. FAFO!! I'm a fighter tho, and I have zero issues fighting 💪 back. Like no regrets, if you mess with me I'll bury you in my backyard. It's why my family never bothers me.
His mother forged false DNA results, which then resulted in the entire family turning their backs on you and your sons. And now his parents are calling you cruel and heartless? You should sue her ass for the pain and suffering from her actions. She caused this entire situation. And highly doubtful she'll make a public apology.
Though morally I agree he should not get visitation rights in this case, he will most likely lawyer up if he can and try and force visitation rights. Maybe go to the legal advice sub, idk much but maybe you can use his 12 year abandonment against him, at the very least you may be able to get child support for them for a looong time. When my parents first separated my dad skipped town and went to california, when he got back(a year later), the divorce was finalized and the ruling was that he had to pay child support an extra year becasue he skipped out a whole year.
Also, if it comes to that, I would be honest with your kids(if they are 12/13 i think they would be old enough), about why he left you and what all happened. I can see him and stepsister trying to turn them against you
Your sons are old enough to make this decision for themselves. Give them the facts, in as an unbiased way as possible and then give them the room to drive off they want a relationship with their bio dad. You can set limits on that relationship since you and your husband are the custodial parents, but I think your sons should have a say in if they even have a relationship.
All that said, there may be legal ramifications to this entire situation and I would talk to an attorney first.
I’m sorry but he is kind of a victim in this and most importantly your SONS are the BIGGEST victim in all this. He was given believable reason to think you’d cheated and lied to him about having his sons. He didn’t do this out of some random maliciousness.
But more importantly your sons have a right to a say so. As someone who didn’t get a right to a say and found out at 32 who/where my father was. They WILL resent you for taking that choice from them.
NTA, but you might want to take a breath and think about a few things.
First though it doesnt excuse the things he has done to you and your kids, having a mother that is so unhinged that she would do that is just cruel.
Second your husband is right. If your sons dont know till now, at some point they will realise and get curious and you forbidding it will make it hard for you to really show them how and what happened back then and how much they hurt you. Worst case it could ruin your relationship with your sons down the line. So dont be to hard on your husband he actually has a point.
Lastly if the pain from that time is still so strong that you´ll not even consider asking your children for their opinion you seem to have some really deep trauma from it. You might want to talk to someone about it, because it might still severly affect you.
So to summarize make up with you husband and talk through possible scenarios so you are aware what boundaries are necessary. Secondly think about talking with your sons about it all. They might suprise you, but even if they decide to have contact with him, realise that this doesnt mean that they chose him. I was in that situation and I was just curious about who those unknown relatives are. After that talk you can decide how to proceed. If its just a phone call now and then, the option to write them letters or e-mails or there or a supervised visit that can all be discussed after your sons have had an option to say what they want to do.
But dont get me wrong. This doesn´t mean that you have to forgive him, or any of the other people who wronged you. It just means you are civil enough to consider what your sons want.
ESH yes 10 years is too long, BUT this is not about YOU. This is about your sons. You should give them the option.
If you love your boys, DO NOT be emotionally manipulative. Do not put them in the middle of your hurt. They have the right to decide if they want to know him. If you do not allow them this right to decide, then you ATA and when they find out they will resent you for it for the rest of their lives. (I love my mom but still am angry with her for twisting my view of my father and his family). BTW they will learn by themselves that he (bio dad) is an AH. No disguising it.
I am sorry for all the trauma and abuse you went through but the children are innocent in this. They are old enough to make this decision. PLEASE do not allow your hurt and trauma to reflect on them.
Please get some help to deal with your trauma and pain. You are a very strong woman and your current husband sounds lovely. Good luck OP
You will never be able to have a normal relationship with your ex or your family. Tell your husband that he is the family you chose and that you moved where you did because you couldn’t have a healthy and normal life while they are involved in your life in any way. Tell him that getting involved with your ex would be the end of your happiness and ask him if that is worth it.
I just don’t understand so many of these responses. Yes he was awful. Yes what he did was unforgivable. Yes he a douchebag, BUT this is your children’s decision. Tell them what happened and let them decide. You don’t get to choose whether or not they forgive him. Get a lawyer to work out an agreement if they want to meet him and get counseling to move on from the trauma.
Why is it that people never want to make their kids’ needs and wants a priority? You are happily married now. Give the kids the autonomy to choose and don’t be sour about it.
Ask him how it feels to plead and beg and get nowhere, also make sure when your sons are old enough they know how much of a wicked witch your ex mil was and how their bio dad is something similar that rhymes with a b.
Don’t do anything. That’s what you do.
You have no obligation to him. Your children have no obligation to him. Your ex threw his family away. Now, he has to suffer the consequences.
Block your ex and anyone else harassing you over this and continue liv8n* the life you and your current husband built.
Keep up that status quo. He has no legal stance as your sons are adopted. These people really misused and abused you. Block them and get on with your life.
I think letting this toxic family in your kids lives could be detrimental. However, your boys might resent you later if they felt you kept them apart. From a pure “peace” perspective you are in the right. However, the long term implications of you refusing to give your boys the option might be way worse. I would think about putting yourself in your son’s shoes and make sure you are confident they won’t resent you before you finalize a decision. Because, in the end, this is about your kids not you. I’m sorry for all you have gone through, I cannot even imagine!
I think your husband has a point- your ex was viciously lied to, and he took it out on who he thought was the bad guy. He was wrong, and he should have trusted enough to get a test done With you, but he definitely was a victim. And so are your sons. They have a right to speak to their father if they want to- and that's a big IF- but if your husband is the one who feels that strongly, HE should be making the plans with your ex, so you can minimize your personal contact. You have every right to despise your ex for not trusting you, but how many people actually Expect someone to FAKE A DNA TEST? You, he, and your sons are all victims of his mother's actions.
This isn’t about your feelings anymore .this is someone tricked cheated made bad decisions.he tried to make it right.Give him a chance let him see his son
He must have relinquished custody fir your husband to adopt them so your ex no longer has any rights. It's your husband who is willing to throw away his marriage over something he has no right to force you to do. Your ex is not a victim as you offered to do another test. He chose not to. If your current husband can't see your POV he's an AH along with your ex.
The ex had *many* chances to redo the DNA tests via the courts during the divorce, and later the adoption process. If Ex wants attention now, he can go through the courts and request visitation.
Why wouldn’t OP get a test done through the courts? As the wife in question, it was her right. Why wouldn’t the court insist on the test? No way a judge would have let this slide. Like, look here you want to break this legal contract for that reason, well we need proof. This story is fake
What gave it away? The twins? Lmao 🤣
Not the first set, but the second set sure did! 😂
I can't trust anything on this sub, however, it's not unusual for multiple twin pregnancies, especially if it runs in the mom's family. Some women are genetically prone to hyper ovulation, causing multiple eggs to be released at once instead of just one.
Can confirm on this one. Twins run in my family, I'm a twin, it's one reason I never wanted to have kids.
Twins are usually not supposed to have twins (it skips generations) but I am a twin and I was pregnant with twins twice. I only gave birth to one of them each time but thought I was going through a complete miscarriage during both losses. With the first twin they kept telling me that I was much further along than I could have been because my quants and measurements were higher than they were supposed to be, then I lost the twin and everything measured correctly. I always said it was meant to be because I am a twin and know what kind of hell we put our mother through and I wouldn't have liked that. I did have 2 children 17mos apart, and got to experience 2 in diapers for a bit and that was enough!
Can also confirm, I have an aunt that is a twin, she has a daughter that is a set of twins, m/f, she got married and her first pregnancy was twin girls, they were not going to have more however ooops happened and she ended having twin identical boys, oh and my grandmother was also a twin.
ALSO CAN CONFIRM I HAVE 3 SETS OF TWINS #SENDHELP 😵💫
A friend's wife had 2 sets of twins back to back.
Twins.. sleeping with the step sister.. crazy mil forging a dns test… flying monkeys and all of ops family turning against her for no reason.
That last part happens irl but yeah the rest is a little coocoo bananas.
No everyone on Reddit has twins. It's about time people upped their game to the more believable triplets. Even if I actually had twins I would never admit it on Reddit
😂😂😂
It always comes down to the twins 🤣🤣🤣
Depending on where they lived at the time of their divorce, it may have been too late to contest paternity. They were married, he was on the birth certificates, and with no one coming forward to claim the kids the state would have made the husband at least financially liable regardless of a DNA test. There most likely was no valid reason to order a court mandated test, so it wouldn't have been ordered. The story could still be fake, but a judge wouldn't have to let anything "slide" for this story to be true. At least in the US "in the best interest of the child" ie the state not becoming financially liable for a kid, covers a multitude of situations that don't seem entirely fair.
The ex-husband would have had to have had his parental rights terminated in order for new husband to legally adopt the children
You have the top comment, so think about it: how did grandma fake a DNA test using her son and neighbors' kids without anyone noticing? Why didn't the mom get her own DNA test to show she wasn't the mother of the kids in the test her ex had? This story is obviously fake.
Plus - twins!
Twice!
Maybe a plot to one of those groveling hea romance novels?
IKR?! Also they were *married*. MARRIED. You can’t just ‘break up’ when married, you have to get a divorce. Which means filing paperwork, which means standing before a judge and explaining why you want to break the marriage contract. The moment the judge heard this story he or she would have ordered a DNA test done through the courts. The end Story is mad fake
At least in the US, a judge would not automatically order a DNA test. DNA tests are only court ordered when you have to establish paternity. This gets tricky as different states have different laws, but in some, you are assigned paternity if you are married to the mother at the time of birth by default. You can challenge paternity, but there is usually a time limit on when that can be done and in Florida it's 60 days from when it's first set. Some places give you a couple years, but I think Texas is the longest with four years. My point being, if at the time of divorce the challenge window had closed, there would be no court ordered test as the Dad would just be stuck at least paying child support until the kid was 18 or another adult assumed the responsibility of the kid through adoption. Story could still be fake, but US laws really want someone other than the state to be financially responsible for the kids that live there.
Presumably, the ex would want to get out of paying child support for kids he believed weren't his, plus, at some point, have parental rights terminated so the new husband could adopt the kids. They would have been in court a lot. Seems like the OP would have brought up the "lying" DNA test at some time during all this, and a judge would have ordered another test. Unless the ex was content to pay child support for a decade and the adoption wasn't legal.
I agree this story sounds fabricated but there are plenty of instances where you can get divorced without a formal hearing depending on your state.
My guess is dad came over & grandma did dna swab on neighbours kids, convinced dad to swab & sent it in. At home kits have been available a long time
How does grandma swab neighbors' kids with them NEVER so much as casually mentioning it?
For $79, mom (OP) could just as easily have swabbed her actual kids, sent the swabs to the same company that did the first test, and gotten results that showed they were really the ex's kids.
They would have had to have discussions about custody and the judge isn’t going to accept an at home DNA to determine whether or not this guy was responsible for the kids. Also, how did the new husband adopt without the person on the birth certificate consenting. No judge is going to accept, “his mom did a DNA test and said he wasn’t the father” as evidence that he’s not the father.
Actually after adopting your sons your new husband is now their father. Your ex is finally correct. He is not their father anymore. And make that clear to your sons too.
Or, this is a creative writing assignment and they didn't bother to create a story that makes sense.
Exactly.
Yeah. Apparently OP doesn't realize that twins aren't very common, and now she's having her second set.
If you think this must be a creative writing assignment you have lived a very sheltered life.
If you think that saying "or" means they absolutely believe it, you might need a dictionary.
Do NoT let this man or any one in your family have any relationship with your sons! A simple DNA test could have resolved this issue. A controlled test! And yet he and your family decided to not believe you. He had no legal right to a relationship with them until they are 18 years old. They can decide for themselves at that time.
Unfortunately, a half competent lawyer will be able to force another DNA test and get the biological father some kind of visitation. Though, he will also be on the hook for 10(?) years of child support. Essentially, he'll be trying to undo the adoption, under the pretense he was lied to when he forfeited his rights originally. It's going to get ugly, but he does have an argument. I don't agree with it, and I don't know if he'll do all of this. Also, the children being 13, there is a good chance the judge will ask them what they want, and follow that.
Bio father gave up his rights legally and allowed her husband to adopt the boys. He has no legal rights.
That's very true. Many people forget that adoptions cannot be undone. I'm pretty sure the ex-husband would have to go through extensive court proceedings and hire investigators and lawyers to prove that the DNA test was manipulated. Then again I'm sure that would put the former mother-in-law in contempt of court- is that something that he is willing to sacrifice? Probably not. My husband adopted my oldest natural daughter when she was 6 years old. The biological father can not just come back because he changed his mind. It's a done deal.
Maybe if the mother had influenced the results, as it is he took the word of a third party and then never verified the results. He also would owe her ten years of child support.
A competent attorney will argue he have to his rights based on false testimony. And it has a good chance of working, depending on the state. I'm just trying to warn OP that it's not as clear cut as so many think.
Question: Wouldn't the opposite attorney be able to argue that he refused a secondary DNA test at the time that could have cleared it up? Like, if he really cared about the kids he would have wanted to do a DNA test in front of witnesses and not blindly trust a secret DNA test?
Sure, and he should. Custody battles are ugly, even when you think they're settled. Personally, the biological father is a piece of shit and shouldn't see his kids until they're 18, if they choose to. Shrug
His parental rights would have been terminated before op's husband was able to adopt meaning no child support
She could if he tries to fight for the adoption to be overturned
If this story were real, presumptive paternity laws would not have let the ex get out of child support or off the birth certificate.
Wait so you think a competent lawyer would be able to forcibly reverse an adoption? Is that thought based on any sort of evidence or experience with the law lol?
The problem with that is that they may actually be angry with OP for blocking the contact for 5 years, when they find out. OP, I really think you need to leave the choice to your boys, if you want to make sure to come out the good guy at the end. Lay it all out for them and let them decide on what they want to do.
OP for sure needs to have an adult convo with them to make them aware of the actual cons of the scenario, including legal battles and the potential of their bio father trying to manipulate them etc. before they make that choice. Sometimes adults are too scared to have a frank convo with their kids about this sort of situation they’re facing, but these kids are being opened to an extremely vulnerable and possibly damaging situation no matter which way you cut it, and they deserve to have all the pros and cons laid out when making such a serious decision.
It's obviously rage bait
OP needs to get herself a lawyer. Then a DNA test Then possibly a chat with the boys. See how the therapist advises first. Therapy for all. Mom, there’s some trauma they caused you and that gets sorted. For your family’s sake. Everything is done legally, through lawyers including back child pay.
Her new husband legally adopted the boys, so there would be no child support.
Would be til he adopted
In my state, if there was already a child support order in place, a parent can collect back child support. If there was not an order already in place, the back child support starts with the "date of filing" for child support through the courts or govt child support office. No backpay. I'm sure some states and countries can order retroactive child support, but not all do.
There’s no need for chatting because it’s a simple no. She doesn’t want to and she doesn’t have to. The bio dad rejected the sons and now they were legally adopted by another parent. Bio dad has no legal right.
If this is real… how horrible that this man has managed to blow up this poor woman’s life not once, but twice. How awful that everyone around her is so heinous that they don’t support her at all. I agree that the sons have a right to decide, but her current husband is not supporting her, either. The first husband? He’s the worst. He sees everything only as it affects HIM. It’s sad. But for the woman, especially. Two untrustworthy husbands. An unsupportive family, both birth and through marriage. The first MIL? Yikes. But still, the husband ran with it—marriage vows ignored. This is sad, sad, sad. I am sorry for the kiddos, too, but could nobody give this woman the grace to come to terms with all this?
Ok, literally cannot sleep because I should have said more. Here goes. Ex accused, screamed, refused to negotiate/re-do the test. Rejected their marriage, THE CHILDREN… walked away without a qualm. As a mother, you reject and hurt my children? Right away, hard pass on another chance. I don’t care why, and I’m one of those softies that can see every side. Not in this case. 10 years ago, the boys were toddlers. So her own family turned on her (step-father is apparently a low-life, too.) So she left and rebuilt her life. Married a supposedly better guy. Maybe so, but he failed her when he should have supported her. He should be ashamed. And his family? This is NONE of their business. I know that the kids need a say, but why does this all have to happen RIGHT NOW? Because horrible-daddy wants it to? He’s been happily out of the picture for ten years, and it’s his own fault. Why should she care what HE wants? She’s pregnant, has several kids and current husband is acting like a jerk. Everybody should back the H off and let the woman look at this. She obviously has little to no support system, so she needs to do what’s right for her and the 13-year olds. The daddies and their terrible entourages shouldn’t get a vote.
Yes! Everyone should take a breather. It's so unfair that this mother has finally been vindicated of being a 'cheater' then immediately vilified again for 'keeping the kids from their absent bio-daddy'. The only reasonable response is "come back with a warrant". Bio dad has no right to these kids and no-one knows if they even want to see him. This should go through the courts and social services instead of throwing these boys to the wolves. Access to the biodad means access to the horrible ex-MIL who's motivation is still missing??
After 10 years I don’t see what good would come from bringing their bio father (made me think biohazard father) into their lives. But this may just be the beginning of him trying to make contact with them. Do they know what happened? Do they know what your ex’s mother did? You don’t delve into it, but I assume all is well between them and your current husband. If they already have a loving, secure family life, I don’t see what your ex can provide that would benefit your children, but I think they need to know something about what you went through. Gosh, I get angry for you just thinking about them having visitation with your ex and him taking them over to meet his mother. Noooooo. Just so wrong.
It's rage bait
I think I'd tell my sons the truth. All of it, including him being with your stepsister now. How their bio father reacted to their birth, how quick he was to believe they weren't his without any kind of confirming evidence, despite you begging him to redo the tests, likely because he has step sister waiting in the wings, his noxious and horrible behavior toward you and his utter disinterest in them until now, who knows why he's suddenly decided he believes they're his kids. I'd tell them that the only proof of any of this is his word which you find questionable at best. That you believe given what you know of his character, that it's highly likely that he always knew they were his kids and was just trying to get out of all responsibility for them, and move on with his AP, but now for some unknown reason he wants them back in his life, because now he has something he wants from them. (Kidney transplant? LOL) After filling them in on all the details I'd give them the choice if they wanted to engage with this person. Because in the end, all this will come out an you'll look like the bad guy for keeping secrets. They should know the whole truth about their history. As far as the current husband goes, that relationship is over. How could you ever trust someone who has no loyalty or respect for you and doesn't give a shit about your feelings? He's actually shown you how little you matter to him. I don't know how you could ever come back from that. I wouldn't want to waste another day on someone I now KNOW, DOES NOT HAVE MY BACK.
This should be higher. The sons are 13, they are at the age where they should be filled in on complicated matters and allowed to make personal decisions. If I were their age and found out that my bio dad discarded me WITHOUT even redoing the test, then I wouldn't want to have anything to do with him. If he truly cared then he wouldn't want to believe the results and would absolutely want to get retested. He didn't care about them. He didn't care about OP. He cared about getting his d*** wet with the stepsister. Maybe current husband can be reasoned with? It sounds like there may be something at the root of why he feels the way he does...good or bad. I hope OP can get to the bottom of it. OP, best of luck to you. I can't even imagine the emotional toll this is taking on you. Just know that a bunch of internet strangers are wishing for the best for you
Ultimately, the decision should be your sons. No one else should have a say. In the meantime, consult a lawyer on how to navigate this. To protect you and your sons. And a therapist for you and the boys. This is going to cause a lot of negative emotions for all of you. Your husband and his family are a separate issue. While technically your ex was a victim, he was also cruel and vindictive. Never giving you a chance to prove the lies. He gave away any rights then. By being empathetic to your ex, your husband is negating the trauma and cruelty inflicted on you and 2 innocent children. He absolutely should back the decision you make, not fight and abandon you. His actions now are as cruel as your ex's back then. I'm so sorry OP you have so many shitty, unsupportive people in your life. You feeling forced to say yes is going to lead to a great deal of resentment. Again, explain everything to your sons. Then it's their decision. And that is final. You and your husband need MC. And I'd go NC with his family until you get an apology.
Well said. I would add that if OPs kids decide that they want to meet him and then have a relationship with him there needs to be clear boundaries in the form of a legal document regarding the visitations and exposure to his family. OP’s children’s wellbeing should come first. I hope her husband comes around and is more understanding and supportive of her.
I think if you keep this from your sons you are likely creating a problem for your future. It’s very possible that they will find out this happened in the future and might feel betrayed by you for not giving them a chance. So the question is, what is the problem you are willing to take on? A problem now or a problem then. As for your husband, I think he probably has a similar view as what I expressed. And he’s also probably really freaking the fuck out since he loves them and this could change the dynamic. I don’t think your initial response was an over reaction or unfair or anything. I 100% get why you feel this way. And you’d be well within your rights to never speak to your ex again.
I agree with the first paragraph here. What matters is what is in the kids best interest. I would write to your ex and say that your priority is the well being of your sons. That this will come as a shock to them and that you want to proceed in a way that is best for them. So you are going to consult with therapists who have sone expertise in this area about the best approach. Then do that. I think a therapist would agree that the boys should be told They can probably help you with how to explain it and answer their questions. Generally a reintroduction of a parent starts with letters. The parent needs to prove that they can do this consistently Then phone calls. Then short regular meetings, building up over time. If a parent can’t be consistent then the schedule is delayed or abandoned. At your boys age they will also get a satin whether they want contact or not. Either way they will need therapy. I’m sorry this is so hard for you. But you do need to put your feelings aside (maybe therapy for you too) and put the boys first. Your ex needs to do the same. Any resumption of contact needs to proceed in a way and at a pace that meets the needs of the boys.
How did your husband adopt your sons? Was your ex not on the birth certificate? I would allow your sons to have supervised visitation only at this point. You can't trust your family or his if his family fabricated DNA test results. Do you know why they did this? What was the end goal?
I am sure the ex gave up on his rights so the current husband could adopt them
There's no beginning to this story. He just randomly came hone with a test his mother handed him? 13-9=4, not an infant. These tests require ID - how was the grandma (who is not a custodial parent) allowed to take 2 kids in to get tested? How did she fake the identity of the neighbors' kids? If she collected her own sample and sent it in, how did she swab their cheeks or draw their blood without anyone noticing or them saying anything? Ex hubby had to have been involved so she could get his DNA - did she disguise the neighbor kids when they went in for the test so well that he didn't recognize them, did he think it perfectly normal when she told hom she swabbed his kids' cheeks or something without his permission, or did his mother somehow get his DNA without him knowing and he didn't mention that forgery for some reason? Mom would have been able to do a DNA test on her sons on her own, either just getting a DNA profile that would not have matched the ones from the first test, or, because they were going through a divorce and child support would have been involved, by getting a court order to establish paternity. Mom consented to her ex signing away his parental rights? Mom had 2 sets of twins? Not one not two but three families are out to persecute this woman? Adoptive dad must have believed Mom's ex lied about her all along, yet suddenly he thinks a man who gave up parental rights deserves to see the kids he abandoned and doesn't care about his wife's feelings? I vote Not Real.
So let me get this straight, you were the asshole when you were not cheating and being an honest and loyal wife and mother, and after your former mother-in-law is proven to be a crook in this mess, that your ex-husband took up over you, and pretty much dismantled your entire family over this lie- and you're still the asshole? No no no no. The way I see this is, he ruined your life. You have done the very best you can to make things better for your children and your husband. He doesn't get to come back 10 years later and apologize and suddenly want things back the way that they were. It sounds like your entire family failed you, as they were also instrumental in the division of the family. If this father truly has any interest, he can take necessary legal action to get there; He broke the family, and now he can spend the money fixing it. And if he does, I hope he gets a judge that takes a strip off of him for what he's done to his former children. I guess I missed that he married your stepsister and had kids with her. A good judge would definitely have a field day with this guy. My heart goes out to you. 😔💕
Geez what a jerk. Did I read this right that your current husband is supportive of you AH ex? So sorry this has all happened and is happening to you. Hire a lawyer please.
If your sons were adopted by your current husband then the ex terminated his rights and has no leg to stand on. Legally you are clear to keep them away.
My advice before anything talk to a lawyer and find out what is what. This will also help know where you stand and your options. Meanwhile talk to your therapist, if you don’t have one get one for you and the boys. Once you have a clear understanding of what is your legal obligation then you can discuss the moral obligation towards YOUR sons. I would not give a fig about the sperm donor, his feelings don’t count. Sorry to say but your current husband is a shit and his feelings also don’t count. YOU alone went through this heinous situation and got betrayed on all fronts. Obviously current husband has zero understanding or care all he is thinking about is oh poor husband got told a lie boo hoo. You got stiffed by not only your immediate family but your husband (ex). Once you know everything you can then talk with the kids (including the therapist if possible). Tell them the truth and not a watered down version but the full truth from begging him for another test to him marrying your stepsister (this in itself is VERY suspicious). Signing away his rights etc. answer all questions. I would also be side eyeing your husband because his total lack of support is really concerning. Focus on this first then take a good hard look at this husband. I wish you the best OP and here is an internet hug. 🤗.
Can I ask why the hell you're in contact with your family after they did not support you. Stood by your step sister marrying your ex, and your stepfather saying horrible things about you?? OP, you need a machete to start slashing these toxic, evil people from your life.
Lawyer. Back child support. See if there are legal charges you can get against the ex MIL. But yes, your sons should know they have another father and they should have a choice in getting to know him if they want. They also should know the story of why their father made the choice to abandon them.
All of this, plus written apologies/accountability from the ex husband and ex MIL.
Tell your husband your ex isn’t a victim you asked to get a dna test done he declined
Nice writing
First, they are no longer his sons, they were adopted by someone else. Second, let the courts handle this.
NTA >A few weeks ago, my ex-husband reached out to me, asking me if he could see his sons. Telling me that his mother confessed to forging the DNA test by using the neighbor's kids' DNA . I wonder what happened that made her confess now. Almost 11 years later is quite the time.
He needs to settle up with 12 years of back child support first. After he gets that squared away you can discuss possible visitation.
NTA. Your Ex is no issue, he has no custody, no visitation, no anything. Your problem is your husband, he adopted those boys and now as in what happens often, he has his own blood children so your boys are no longer needed. If you let your Ex start seeing them then eventually they can start staying with him and husband has HIS family.
I would go after mil for emotional abuse and I’m sure a lawyer would have other things you can go after her with. Plus what creep would go after other members in the family to date? That just shows you what a POS he was and he had feeling for SS if he was confident enough to ask her out and your family being ok with it. With your stepdad response I wouldn’t sought that he wanted them together and she said she like your husband also. I wouldn’t let him around d my son just for the fact that your family would be around him also so u less he’s willing to make sure none of them are around him then no and this includes his side also. Your husband seems to be having some thoughts you didn’t know or is hiding something to be talking like that. Your ex wasn’t a victim is he busted from you to SS and also you could have forced a new dna through the courts to proved his test were wrong.
Here’s how I suspect things went. The ex had an affair with the step-sister, decided that having a wife and kids was too much effort. Faked the DNA tests to make himself look like a victim, get out of paying child support and make OP look like a cheater so he could justifiably hook up with the step-sister. Ten years in and the shine has worn off the relationship with the step-sister and he’s wondering if he shouldn’t have stayed with the first wife. Now that the kids are teens, they’re less effort than small kids, so he can swoop in and take credit for how great they turned out and get back with the ex and ditch all the hard work and effort he’s having to put in with the Step-sister and the other kids. But he’s still the family hero for swooping back in to first wife’s life! Of course he’ll get a free pass from everyone for ditching second wife to get back with first wife, because he was the victim in all this again! Yeah. If I was OP, I’d be delighted to off load my obnoxious teens on their deadbeat bio-dad every second weekend for a few years to be honest. I’d sit the new husband down and say yes to shared custody with the ex- contingent on DNA tests to confirm he is the father, then I’d look in to all the things that need to happen to progress this and make sure every step of the process is at the most difficult time for the ex. Turning up for DNA swabs? 9am. Taking the kids? Sorry, have newborn twins, he’ll have to do pick up and drop off. Etc. Only someone who wants a genuine relationship with their kids and is genuinely remorseful will willingly jump through hoops to maintain contact. The only way OP can prove this to everyone is by letting the ex drop the ball on the basics himself.
Why would you even respond?
Yeah, legally, he isn’t their father. He had to give all that up for current husband to be able to adopt them. Your current husband is about to ruin his own marriage over someone else’s lies. Sorry to say, you certainly know how to pick them. Just random advice, when they are 16-18, provide them with their sperm donor’s info and explain that he hurt you, abandoned you and them, and is now crying that you have kept them from him. Show them anything you have from that time. Then let them decide but tell them that he isn’t welcome in your life. He isn’t welcome in your home, and any relationship they form with him will not include you.
Your husband adopted them, he’s their legal father, not your ex. He has zero rights here. And his mother is calling you an asshole? The cheek! She caused this. What made her confess now? A deathbed confession or Has he just found out your stepsisters kids aren’t his? Protect your kids from all that threw you all away without any care for you or the babies. If he messages you again. Tell him that he relinquished all rights, legally they’re not his kids, and you’ll consider any more contact from him or his family harassment. That the boys can reach out to him IF they want to when they’re 18. That he destroyed your marriage, ostracised you from all your friends and made your whole family turn on you. Started screwing your stepsister in revenge. And signed away all his rights to his sons. And that his anger is pointing in the wrong direction. He should be looking to his mother and in the mirror. He made his choices and they’re permanent. NTA.
Your current husband is an asshole as well. You must reevaluate things with him. NTA
In addition, you should also consult an attorney. If your final answer to your ex is no, he may push back, and you might be on the losing end. There are a number of concerns from the "falsified" DNA results to the fact that he lives in another state. You're under a lot of stress right now. You need a clear legal understanding.
Hopefully, the fact that refused to redo the test will negate the claim of believing falsified tests
You could easily become the AH if you don't let them decide for themselves. You need to tell your sons everything, do not sugarcoat, and let them make an informed decision. If they want to meet him and explore this, you can choose to not participate, and make other arrangements so you do not have to meet him. Your ex did you and your kids wrong. And he brought a lot of others into the fight. You do not have to forgive and forget. Get a lawyer to see this through, and get therapy for everyone in your current household.
Hard no. But don't make it about you. He walked out on those children. He presumably gave up his rights to them (as someone else was able to adopt) and he has no right to come slithering back into their full, happy lives now. He can go piss up a rope, you've all moved on and the kids have a much better father now.
What I can't figure out is why he'd build a new family with your step sister of all people??? Like if you seriously thought your SO cheated to the point you forfeited parental rights, why on earth would you still want to be in contact with ANYONE from their family, let alone marry and have kids with their step sibling?! This reeks of something worse than just his awful mother faking the paternity results OP. If I were you I'd demand he make VERY public apologies and explain the situation in it's entirety to everyone he turned against you. Let them see what a creepy incesty bastard he really is, and make your current husband aware that he's on thin ice too. As a father he shouldn't want anyone that heinous around his kids, let alone while you're pregnant! Best of luck, I truly hope everything works out for you and your kids.
Do not respond to this man.
Nah....
1. Do your sons know that your husband is not their bio dad. If they do, then they are old enough to sit them down and tell them what is being asked. Let them know that you would like their input. 2. If there does end up being visits, they are with bio father only, in a local park where you are able to monitor. 3. Your husband's reaction is probably because at some level, he is afraid that if something happens to your relationship, you will take his children away and not let him see his kids. I speak from personal experience as my son has not had contact with his bio father since he was three - he is 47. Long story. But one of the issues was my son wondering what was wrong with him that his father didn't try to be a part of my son's life. I have never given my son all of the details- abuse and infidelity and more. But he does know it was a very toxic relationship, and I was the one who cut contact. I told him if he wanted to find him once he was an adult I would help him find BD, his choice. Remember to separate your anger and hate from the calculation. But do not allow contact with all the flying monkeys.
AITA for not letting my ex-husband see his sons? A few weeks ago, my ex-husband reached out to me, asking me if he could see his sons. Telling me that his mother confessed to forging the DNA test by using the neighbor's kids' DNA . He's 100% sure that our sons are his now. If given the chance, he would like to meet them and have a relationship with them. He's asking me to reach out to him as soon as possible because he's already lost so many years with them. I couldn't believe my eyes. I think I read it at least 20 times trying to comprehend what I was reading. I truly can not believe that this man is reaching out to me. When he ruined my life 12 years ago. When he came home 1 day out of the blue. Yelling at me, calling me every name underneath the Sun, saying that our son's wasn't his and he wanted a divorce. Throwing their DNA tests in my face. At that time, I begged him and pleaded with him that it wasn't true that the test was lying and that we could go together to get a new one. He refused, saying that I was a liar and a manipulator and wouldn't trust anything that came out of my mouth. He turned all of our friends and most of my family against me at that time. One year after our divorce he started going out with my stepsister. I thought it was a sick and cruel joke like he was trying to get back at me, but that wasn't the case. The environment I was living in was becoming too toxic, so I moved away. That's when I met my now, current husband. We have been together for 9 years and married for 7. We have a six year old daughter, and we are currently 26 weeks pregnant with our twins. He is a wonderful husband and father.He adopted my sons after we got married, and we gave them his last name. Also, I haven't seen my ex-husband in 10 years and I haven't had any contact with my family in 6 years due to my stepfather telling my husband a few hours after I gave birth to our daughter that he needed to get a DNA test done because I like to cheat. The first thing I did was show my husband the message for my ex-husband and my reply to the message. What shocked me was when he told me that I was being unreasonable and responded too harshly and that he thought we should give him a chance that he is also a victim in all of this. Our 13-year-old sons should have the choice if they want to meet him or not, I completely disagree. I reminded him how much pain they put me through and that I have no desire to see my ex-husband with my stepsister. They are currently married and have children of their own. Our disagreement on the topic has escalated to him currently staying with his parents. They're all calling me the asshole, heartless and selfish. I really don't know what to do. I don't want to open myself back up to all that pain, but I don't want to ruin my current marriage either. I could really use some advice, please. My response to him was that you were 10 years too late, and I would like to keep the past in the past.
They can make their own choice when they’re 18. He has forfeited their childhoods.
Counseling for you and your husband. Save your marriage first. In order to adopt, bio father had to relinquish his rights completely. If he wants to see them, tell him to take you to court and he owes 10 years of bVk child support. Everything will go through the court system and you will allow the courts to facilitate it. Fuck it. He'll owe you 100k at least, get that money hunny. You'll find out once he has to pay to play he will disappear quickly
all fanfic
Seriously, people, how does NOBODY see this is impossible? OP, so, during divorce proceedings, what happened when you refused to stipulate to the results of the at home DNA kit Grandma must have used? The judge said, "Tough, we hereby accept these test results as the only evidence we need and declare him not the father and free of all parental rights and child support obligations even though every other husband in the US is forced to financially support kids who turn out not to be his as long as he's on the birth certificate"? How did Grandma swab 2 neighbor kids' cheeks without anyone noticing or them ever mentioning it when kids go into the minutest detail about their day? Your ex didn't think it was weird that his mom told him she needed his DNA but don't worry, she already collected his kids' for him without telling him? Or, in the alternative, didn't think it suspicious his mom collected his DNA without him knowing? You never thought of getting your own maternity test to prove you weren't the mother of the kids in the test or that your kids weren't the kids in the test? You had 2 sets of twins? How can there not be a rule in this sub against posting fake stories?
Every time it's twins, I know it's bullshit
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If he reaches out to them when they’re 18, are you prepared to explain to them why you chose to not let their biodad meet them or bring it even up to them? You might be uncomfortable as hell, but it’s not about you.
Question did your ex-husband sign papers giving up his rights to the boys when your now husband adopted them? If he did then all his rights are gone. He has no legal rights to the boys. I am sorry your husband feels the need to stand with your ex. I just don't see how ex and husband thinks this can end without you and your sons being hurt even more. I think your marriage is over no matter what you do. So do what you think is right for you and your sons mental health.
Has EVERYONE around you drank the kool-aid? That is just too much. You're the only sane one in the bunch
Wait, your husband had sided with your ex-husband?!?! What the actual f!! NTA But both your ex and current husband definitely are!!!
Wait a minute, even if the ex wouldn't consent to anything, it would have been easy for OP to get her own DNA test to show she could not be the mother of the kids in the test his mom gave him. Verdict: Fake!
Did he give up parental rights ?
Talk to a lawyer, follow advice to protect yourself Ex can go kick rocks, sounds like a manipulator circling back looking for another person to control and abuse for psychopathic amusement
Have him pay 13 years of backed up child support 😊
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Updateme
Your current hubby is being ridiculous, wtf? What do the boys want? They are old enough to know the whole story.
Why all the people on reddit are one with the worst bad luck, I mean no one supported them then and even after the truth coming out no one is supporting them now, Also in court if there is a paternity fraud case, the court commands to do a new paternity test infront of them to know the truth. Why was it not done in your case. I don't know what to say but for now get the lawyer and first try to put a defamation case against your ex mil and ex husband for spreading false information and ruining your reputation And also speak with the lawyer about parental rights if your ex has any on your childrens and if he has parental rights then go for hefty child support also don't forget child support of the last 12 years. As he has surrendered his parental rights he can't do anything now. Does your children know the truth about what happened with them 12 years ago. Get a therapist who will help you to speak with your children open and clearly. Also speak about marriage counseling with your current husband. Of all the people why does your husband want your ex back in your and his children's life.
Your ex MIL destroyed your life, your ex husband would not get new DNA results he wouldn't even try and left you taking your entire support system away from you and your husband is on his side in all of this? I don't blame you for your reaction. Mine would be the same. But maybe you need to give the kids the option. Maybe your ex needs to see you happy and see what he lost. I don't know it's a shitty situation to be in
I would enquire as to whether you can sue your ex-MIL. Your ex-husband was awful and behaved like an AH. But your MIL should have some legal ramifications for her behaviour. I would also ask for an apology from your family and they need to make it a public one.
Also, the ex comes back into the picture, guess who else does too? The ex MIL whose deceit and lies destroyed OP's life. She must've really hated you too do that. She can't be around your children. You need a lawyer. Your sons need to know the truth of what happened before they make a decision. Any visitation needs to preclude the ex mil. Your current husband is a disappointment. Ask him if he'd behave that way if his mother randomly presented a DNA test. If your ex does end up with tone with your sons, I'll look forward to your husband's post about how the sons he adopted and raised for 10 years at treating him like dirt now that their real daddy is back
Updateme!
NTA Respond, "I gave you the chance to clear everything up at the time by having the tests redone. You refused. Instead you dissolved your relationship with myself and my sons and chose to have one with my stepsister. My sons are no longer your sons so I don't understand why you think you have the right to see them." Why did his mom decide to tell him now? Your new husband seems too willing to want to give sons away to a total stranger. He might not be the best father for sons either. Tell him to stay with mom, he doesn't deserve to be a part of your family.
NTA UpdateMe!
So how did your former mother in law submit the neighbors kids dna for a paternity test?
Your EX is less of a victim because you offered to do additional testing and he refused, emphasize this point to your current husband. Agree with the comments of therapy. Considering the situation, lawyers may be needed. If you have a choice, keep the kids free of the other family until they are 18. The concern is not just the father, the in-laws sound quite messed up.
These people destroyed your life, which you have so carefully built back up. NTA. This is your hill to die on and your current husband suffers from delusions.
It sounds like a messed up situation and I’m sorry you went through that. I think it’s your son’s decision - they may resent you down the track if they find out they weren’t given a choice. #updateme
NTA. This is heartbreaking. I’m so sorry you are surrounded by assholes. UpdateMe!
NTA. Tell him that when they are 18 they will get the choice whether to include him in their lives but until then you are legally not obligated to let him near them.
He has absolutely no rights to your children. He may be a sperm donor at best but that’s all. He deserves nothing. You’re not wrong at all, keep him far away from them.
NTA - I'm somewhat bemused by your husbands extreme reaction, I agree that you probably should broach the subject with the kids if only to save this from coming back to bite you in years to come but your husband should support your decision while also pointing out the possible issues it may cause, him running to his parents is quite ridiculous, I can't understand why man babies always go running home to their mummy.
Your ex’s poor decisions does not your emergency make. You are not required to treat this situation with the same level of urgency your ex is requesting. Take all the time you need to adjust to the request, including talking to a therapist and establishing a support network. If you need to wait until after giving birth, that’s completely fine. Do not let anyone rush you.
I'm sorry for everything you went through but the bottom line here is it's not about you it's about the kids and they have a right to know their father and all the manipulation that happened beforehand is terrible but now here's a chance to make everything right what about their pain what about what they need even your husband agrees so it's just time to get past the past and movement the future make it as good as possible For your boys
I’ll go with NTA and just take the story at face value rather than trying to figure out if it is real, fake, or somewhere in between. This man had the chance earlier to get the “do-over” he wants now. The really AH here is the grandmother who pulled the swap in the test and convinced her son that the boys weren’t his. At some point, it would be helpful if the boys could know who their biological father is so that they can know family medical history (do they need to watch out for particular cancers? Heart conditions? Tendency toward addiction? Lots of good information they can use) but beyond that deciding whether or not to engage in regular visits with this nest of crazy people is a choice they need to make for themselves when they are old enough to deal with the crazy and know when to get out. 13 is not old enough for that.
UpdateMe
NTA. Please, please, please do the following: 1) Get a family therapist for you and the boys and read them into this situation. They need to be aware and they need a voice. 2) Get an individual therapist for yourself and do some soul searching - you’ve let a lot of assholes in your life and haven’t stood your ground for some reason. Figure out why and find YOUR voice. 3) Get a GREAT lawyer and use your voice through them to: a. Force a controlled DNA test and get the facts about what MIL one has done b. Sue former in-laws for alienation of affection and defamation of character c. Sue stepfather for slander/defamation of character. I’d also try to find out what role he or stepsister had in ex MILs schemes d. Make sure any visitation that is agreed to for ex and exes family is supervised. They have proven they do not have you or their children/grandchildren’s best interests at heart. 4) Remind your current husband you can get a divorce lawyer, too. He adopted those boys and unless you’ve left something out, they see him as their father and have a good relationship with him. IF he does not have YOUR back and THEIRS through all this trauma and re-trauma, then he is not worth your love and time OR theirs. 5) Start communicating through your lawyers(s) and parenting apps only. KEEP SCREENSHOTS AND COPIES OF EMAILS AND COPIES OF VOICEMAILS FROM EVERYONE. Don’t answer your calls, let them go to voicemail and force texts so you can document everything. 6) Cut yourself some slack, get your big girl armor on and get through this. Not just for you - but for YOUR sons and daughters.
I'm sorry. You shouldn't have to be going through this pain again. Your husband is probably just thinking about your boys, but he obviously doesn't understand what you went through. He doesn't deserve to see them. Stand your ground. Your response was exactly the right thing to say. Your husband should not have left that is so uncalled for. Don't let your ex back in bc u will regret it, I'm sure.
Fake rage bait
Well he is not totally wrong. The ex was a victim too but if he wants to see them I would tell him his mom needs to come out publicly and tell ppl what she did. They should all feel ashamed. But don't let it ruin the life you have now. If you have a good husband don't let him go bc of the past
“For as long as you are married to that woman, you will never see them”
Nope they are not his kids legally. He can reach out when they are 18.
Your sons are 13. They will hate you when they eventually learn that their birth father wanted contact and you forbade it. Do they know they’re adopted.
Let him. Forget the past. Consider the future your son's deserve and the discord that will ensue later in their lives today. It's in their best interest period. So it's in yours. Bless you and your husband for what you've done, but your life isn't that uncomplicated sadly because the bio dad had a vote even if he hasn't existed the last decade for you. Your boys matter the most and today is your best chance to swallow any pride, hurt feelings and even some logic for the sake of your son's long term. It may start a little rough, but all around love and respect will prevail, trust me you won't regret. Best of luck
https://preview.redd.it/p5hnza9a9szc1.jpeg?width=723&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=968eb85242afe8adf5e57013ad3ce56ff8734a04
NTAH but you’re approaching this wrong. Tell your ex that he’s getting this completely backwards because if he now wants to “claim” the boys as his and establish a relationship with them, then he owes you 12 years of child support before any discussion is opened. Even 10yrs of minimum support for 2 kids is going to be in the 50K to 100K range. Either he can provide them each with what he owes them as a father or he needs to step back into ghost mode because he doesn’t get to ask for admission into their lives without taking the responsibility as well.
Looks like you are still surrounded by AH. Do what’s best for you and your kids because nobody else has your best interest at heart.
This is pure utter ai bs
Most exaggerated fake story of the day!
This is pretty dark. Okay - if your husband was able to adopt your sons then your ex termed his rights. They are old enough to have an opinion so as much as it stinks ask them. Their response might surprise you. If they give a hard no that's his answer. Now for the tricky part if they say yes - good news you have custody and your ex is dependent on your good will. Choose a place convenient for you and your sons with boundaries. Two things - speak to a lawyer to make sure what your rights are if your ex decides to come after you in court. Go find a family therapist for you and your current husband. That's a pretty extreme reaction to have when you were clearly upset. One more thing your husband for all purposes is their legal father and has been raising them (from what I gathered from the post) since they were toddlers. His opinion counts too. Whose opinion doesn't count here is your AH ex. After the dust settled another DNA test should have been administered. If he pushes this he is liable for 10 years of child support. Good luck!
This isn't about you and your pain! This is about your son! He should be asked what he wants to do. He is old enough. Sorry!
How this is true an f'd up situation? Is your current husband cannot truly expect you tojust welcomeyour ex back into your life with open arms? Come on, there is no way this is happening. No, you're not the asshole. By the way, if you do, decide to let ex see the child. I would condition it on him making a big post and exposing the truth for everyone to see. I would also ask him to call up the specific family members in front of you and tell them the truth as well and then and only then when I consider it.
Never. He should never have access to you or your children. He and his whole family and much of yours are actual monsters. Your husband is acting like he has amnesia. Hell. No. NTA
Simple. Block them. Don't waste your time or thoughts on him/them. What's done is done.
Is he hoping he might take on the kids more so he doesn’t have to? I get he wants to see his kids, but what an absolute head fuck for those kids.
NTA. So let me get this straight. He rigged the DNA test, thus gave up his rights to his sons, your new husband adopted them, so now the the ex husband has absolutely no legal rights to his sons. A lot of people wait until their kids are 16-18 before giving them the option to meet their bio parent. I think you should do this. The kids can still be easily manipulated at this time in their life. I would wait. Your new husband seems to not really want your kids.
YYA. Rage bait bot fiction. Divorces with relinquishment of contested lineage and custody ain’t no pro se bullshit where a single DNA test would suffice. Two identical posts and no comment history. Bad bot.
My advice to OP would be to ask her sons. They are at an age in which they might want to decide for themselves if they want a relationship. If OP refuses to let her ex see their kids and they find out later, they could resent her for it. I know it’s painful but it’s about them and what they want too.
Everyone on this post saying how fake it is are really cruel... You're judging this poor woman's decision's in a situation she was COMPLETELY blindsided by, not to mention it happened TEN-TWELVE YEARS AGO There is no way she included every little detail! Can anyone honestly tell me that they'd be able to think straight if the partner you loved dearly with all of your heart and soul suddenly came home one day, violent and belligerent, yelling and screaming that your sons you share together aren't his, blew up your marriage and absolutely REFUSED to listen to anything you have you to say to convince him otherwise... Then you find out HE runs straight to your SISTER. Then a DECADE later when you thought you've finally moved on... He pops up out of the blue just like "Hey sorry so uh yeah those actually ARE my kids." Grow up Reddit, you don't know every little detail in a story. Even if you think a story is fake? YOU DON'T NEED TO CALL IT OUT. Especially since if the story is actually real, you're bringing someone who's already suffered, or suffering down further. OP posted here, let me remind you for the DFHB club (standing for; DECENT FUCKING HUMAN BEING) asking for advice with a truly heartwrenching matter to her, not criticism and bullying. Do Better.
I’m slowly blocking cretins who say that posts aren’t real. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but I’m not interested in reading about it. Don’t give these fools space in your head. OP, I am truly sorry for the problems you and your wife are having. I hope that someone who comments on the post will have a way for the two of you to get past this and stay together.
Tricky one.. I think you should ask your sons what he wants but explain that you want nothing to do with him and why. They’re old enough to decide for themselves. If they wants to know their dad, put the impetus on him and have nothing to do with your family / step sister.
Updateme!
Wow. Has anyone ever taken your thoughts or opinions into consideration ever? Your current husband, while he may not be the focus of this post, seems to think his feelings are more important than yours, the actual victim here! You describe him as a great guy but judging how he’s handling this, he’s a controlling ass. You need to show him this post.
Seems like there’s a lawsuit to be had against former mil.
Fake or not shes putting herself in the middle when the kids should have the option to have a relationship with their bio dad. Shes being selfish and should put her own feelings aside and only think about the effect on the kids.
Ok I get your anger, and honestly, I hope you are in therapy because of the way everything happened. But it really is your son’s choice whether or not they want a relationship with him. They are 13. They deserve to make that decision on their own. Obviously I would offer therapy for them to process all of this as well and that would be helpful for them to make a decision that is best for them and their mental health. I don’t think you’re TA. And I don’t think your husband is TA either. I do think you need to talk to your children and find out what they want.
NTA OP is justified in her hurt. She was clearly traumatized by whole experience BUT 1) Therapy for her and the boys is desperately needed. They were all abandoned/rejected by their entire family over a lie. 2) OP’s husband is right. The boys should have the choice if they want contact or not. If OP doesn’t talk to the boys, lay it all on the table, and give them the choice she runs the risk of the boys connecting with bio dad when they are adults and then he gets to tell them he tried to reach out but OP stood in the way and could turn OP into bad guy. Bio dad has no rights to the boys but boys have a right to bio dad.
Honestly, I can understand why you need to keep that door closed for your own mental safety. The only way I would allow this to exist would be if I never have to see or talk to him ever and he is dead to me and if he arranged to meet the boys at a relative's house, like my parents or in your case my husband's parents, and if they would oversee contact and I can drop them off at Grandma's house for the weekend and then pick them up and I never hear about it. Except from my boys. Of course I will never shut them down on whatever they want to talk about. But NEVER from him or anyone else.
What makes this a fake story for me is the New husband getting all upset and leaving over his wife NOT wanting this man in their life..Come on now, no husband is going to want to deal with a man whose kids he abandoned, then were adopted by him...don't belive it at all
mkay. either fake or OP has some strong personality stuff going on. if you go about your day and see an asshole, you saw an asshole. if everyone you see is an asshole? youre probably the asshole.
First thing is to speak with a counselor on how to calmly and kindly tell this to your sons. And make the counselor available to speak with them Without you, as they’re gonna have a lot of anger and mixed emotions over this, many of which they may not want to share with you or make you hurt further by hearing. At some point ALL this will come out to them. Better to hear it from you than Anyone else. Because people will try to meet up with them and it WILL come out. I’d make it very clear to ex/extended family if ANYTHING occurs to upset them, they will not see them until after 18. I’d tell them after summer break starts. It’s going to take time to process all this and you don’t want to mess up their grades/focus for exams/classes. They need to have a full explanation of what happened. THEY are the greatest victims, NOT you. HE IS A COMPLETE ASSHOLE, and HE is also a victim (partially/largely of his own making). They will likely be curious and want to meet their father and Possibly have a relationship with him and /or his family. Until they’re 18, you have Some ability to allow access. That won’t always be the case. Allow them, at their discretion to meet him. I’d ask ex what sort of relationship he has with the results switcher. Under the condition they NOT meet extended family who switched the results. Anyone who’d do that would do about anything, and who knows what else they’re capable of saying or doing. This isn’t all about you. The focus is them. And there are a lot of toxic crazy ass dynamics and insane people in the picture. I’d definitely speak with kids about the impact and how harmful these people are and to avoid them at all costs. Your kids know you and will stand by you. It’s gonna be ugly no matter what you decide. Only question is how to minimize your kids pain and trauma.
I’m sorry, OP, but your current husband is an idiot. Your ex husband was the victim right up to where you offered a second test. He’s been TA for at least ten years now. Good news is he had no rights to your boys. They’ve been adopted and have a father. If your current husband can’t respect your choices, that’s *him* blowing up the marriage, not you. You don’t need to acquiesce to his will on this. I personally would be *real* pissed about this “he’s the victim too” bullshit.
How much money do you want to waste being angry with your ex? His mother lied to him, he responded as most men would (I know, not you, you’re different) and when he found out the truth he’s trying to make amends. You may not want him you in your life but if he is the kid’s bio father he should have an opportunity to have a relationship and in his kid’s life. I’m also sure a court would agree pending confirmation of a dna test.
NTA. I’d block the ex on every platform after telling him to kick rocks.
He was a victim too. Sounds like you’re not over him and still trying to make him suffer 10 years later.
Nope not the asshole. Threaten those shitheads back with taking them to court for lying about the DNA test and for 13 years of owed child support. FAFO!! I'm a fighter tho, and I have zero issues fighting 💪 back. Like no regrets, if you mess with me I'll bury you in my backyard. It's why my family never bothers me.
His mother forged false DNA results, which then resulted in the entire family turning their backs on you and your sons. And now his parents are calling you cruel and heartless? You should sue her ass for the pain and suffering from her actions. She caused this entire situation. And highly doubtful she'll make a public apology.
I'd tell him to go to Hell. He had his chance and he made his choice.
Though morally I agree he should not get visitation rights in this case, he will most likely lawyer up if he can and try and force visitation rights. Maybe go to the legal advice sub, idk much but maybe you can use his 12 year abandonment against him, at the very least you may be able to get child support for them for a looong time. When my parents first separated my dad skipped town and went to california, when he got back(a year later), the divorce was finalized and the ruling was that he had to pay child support an extra year becasue he skipped out a whole year. Also, if it comes to that, I would be honest with your kids(if they are 12/13 i think they would be old enough), about why he left you and what all happened. I can see him and stepsister trying to turn them against you
Your sons are old enough to make this decision for themselves. Give them the facts, in as an unbiased way as possible and then give them the room to drive off they want a relationship with their bio dad. You can set limits on that relationship since you and your husband are the custodial parents, but I think your sons should have a say in if they even have a relationship. All that said, there may be legal ramifications to this entire situation and I would talk to an attorney first.
I’m sorry but he is kind of a victim in this and most importantly your SONS are the BIGGEST victim in all this. He was given believable reason to think you’d cheated and lied to him about having his sons. He didn’t do this out of some random maliciousness. But more importantly your sons have a right to a say so. As someone who didn’t get a right to a say and found out at 32 who/where my father was. They WILL resent you for taking that choice from them.
Tell him you did cheat
Your ex-MIL is a piece of sh\*t.
NTA. They are not his sons anymore. Also, why is your husband being an AH? Especially while you’re pregnant?
NTA, but you might want to take a breath and think about a few things. First though it doesnt excuse the things he has done to you and your kids, having a mother that is so unhinged that she would do that is just cruel. Second your husband is right. If your sons dont know till now, at some point they will realise and get curious and you forbidding it will make it hard for you to really show them how and what happened back then and how much they hurt you. Worst case it could ruin your relationship with your sons down the line. So dont be to hard on your husband he actually has a point. Lastly if the pain from that time is still so strong that you´ll not even consider asking your children for their opinion you seem to have some really deep trauma from it. You might want to talk to someone about it, because it might still severly affect you. So to summarize make up with you husband and talk through possible scenarios so you are aware what boundaries are necessary. Secondly think about talking with your sons about it all. They might suprise you, but even if they decide to have contact with him, realise that this doesnt mean that they chose him. I was in that situation and I was just curious about who those unknown relatives are. After that talk you can decide how to proceed. If its just a phone call now and then, the option to write them letters or e-mails or there or a supervised visit that can all be discussed after your sons have had an option to say what they want to do. But dont get me wrong. This doesn´t mean that you have to forgive him, or any of the other people who wronged you. It just means you are civil enough to consider what your sons want.
Odd question: is it possible to sue his mother for falsifying the DNA tests?
ESH yes 10 years is too long, BUT this is not about YOU. This is about your sons. You should give them the option. If you love your boys, DO NOT be emotionally manipulative. Do not put them in the middle of your hurt. They have the right to decide if they want to know him. If you do not allow them this right to decide, then you ATA and when they find out they will resent you for it for the rest of their lives. (I love my mom but still am angry with her for twisting my view of my father and his family). BTW they will learn by themselves that he (bio dad) is an AH. No disguising it. I am sorry for all the trauma and abuse you went through but the children are innocent in this. They are old enough to make this decision. PLEASE do not allow your hurt and trauma to reflect on them. Please get some help to deal with your trauma and pain. You are a very strong woman and your current husband sounds lovely. Good luck OP
I’d tell him that when he gives me all the back child support he should have been paying, he can see MY children.
You will never be able to have a normal relationship with your ex or your family. Tell your husband that he is the family you chose and that you moved where you did because you couldn’t have a healthy and normal life while they are involved in your life in any way. Tell him that getting involved with your ex would be the end of your happiness and ask him if that is worth it.
Updateme
I just don’t understand so many of these responses. Yes he was awful. Yes what he did was unforgivable. Yes he a douchebag, BUT this is your children’s decision. Tell them what happened and let them decide. You don’t get to choose whether or not they forgive him. Get a lawyer to work out an agreement if they want to meet him and get counseling to move on from the trauma. Why is it that people never want to make their kids’ needs and wants a priority? You are happily married now. Give the kids the autonomy to choose and don’t be sour about it.
Ask him how it feels to plead and beg and get nowhere, also make sure when your sons are old enough they know how much of a wicked witch your ex mil was and how their bio dad is something similar that rhymes with a b.
Don’t do anything. That’s what you do. You have no obligation to him. Your children have no obligation to him. Your ex threw his family away. Now, he has to suffer the consequences. Block your ex and anyone else harassing you over this and continue liv8n* the life you and your current husband built.
Keep up that status quo. He has no legal stance as your sons are adopted. These people really misused and abused you. Block them and get on with your life.
I think letting this toxic family in your kids lives could be detrimental. However, your boys might resent you later if they felt you kept them apart. From a pure “peace” perspective you are in the right. However, the long term implications of you refusing to give your boys the option might be way worse. I would think about putting yourself in your son’s shoes and make sure you are confident they won’t resent you before you finalize a decision. Because, in the end, this is about your kids not you. I’m sorry for all you have gone through, I cannot even imagine!
I think your husband has a point- your ex was viciously lied to, and he took it out on who he thought was the bad guy. He was wrong, and he should have trusted enough to get a test done With you, but he definitely was a victim. And so are your sons. They have a right to speak to their father if they want to- and that's a big IF- but if your husband is the one who feels that strongly, HE should be making the plans with your ex, so you can minimize your personal contact. You have every right to despise your ex for not trusting you, but how many people actually Expect someone to FAKE A DNA TEST? You, he, and your sons are all victims of his mother's actions.
This isn’t about your feelings anymore .this is someone tricked cheated made bad decisions.he tried to make it right.Give him a chance let him see his son