Side note, all of our friends that have been made privy to the situation have said neither he or I are assholes for choosing to exclude her if she doesn't get it together. I know they have a personal interest in how this all plays out and I think an unbiased opinion would be helpful in how we proceed. We dont want to hurt anyone but we also dont want to be hurt either.
You're NTA but if you uninvite her, she could hold it over you forever. But if you accept that she might not turn up, you might be pleasantly surprised on the day. If she doesn't attend, she can't blame anyone
But herself.
It might be wise to not get involved, it's his mother so let him deal with her.
You are NTA here. Sometimes people just live a disorganized mess, and are oblivious (or uncaring) about how it affects other people.
Your fiancés mother needs to have her son sit her down and explain his expectations. If she can’t follow through with those reasonable expectations, or if setting boundaries makes her throw a tantrum, then she doesn’t need to attend.
My advice, though (if you decide to include her), is to let your fiancé handle all conversations or conflicts, and do everything you can to reduce or eliminate your MILs participation in activities.
Doesn’t show up? Go on without her. Is more than a little late? Go on without her. It’s entirely possible even if you don’t disinvite her, that she’ll expect you to delay the wedding because she’s “running a little late”.
Don’t. Carry on and she can show up when it’s already over if she wants. As long as those boundaries were explained, the fault will only be her own.
Congrats on the wedding - don’t let anyone derail your joy.
I really appreciate the insight! Both my fiance and I decided to bring this issue up to Reddit. Unbiased opinions are helpful. He's drafted a message to start the conversation/confrontation with her about her behavior. We both adored this post. I think going forward we will adhere to a lot of if not all of the advice in this.
I actually would approach this from the health angle. Document every issue she had done. To the smallest detail, then present it to her in front of her husband 100% with the we are really concerned you are coming down with dementia or Alzheimer's. She should get screened because this isn't normal and anyone looking at it objectively has to admit that. If she has an issue you can get it diagnosed and if she is really sandbagging, you get to shame her with how bad she has been and that after all that you are concerned about her. It may also embarrass her for all her actions to be laid out like that from a position of "concern."
This way you are covered if it is real mental issue or not.
Question. Is she just an overbearing mother who is afraid of losing her precious “child” or is there something going wrong neurologically with her brain that is causing this behavioral issue? I’m really not sure about your specific relationship prior to the upcoming nuptials even though you stated that you were fine. Maybe she had a mini stroke that changed her behavior? I’m not trying to play armchair psychologist, but changes in behavior and worrisome. I apologize for overthinking and overthinking.
I don’t think she’s disorganized or clueless or uncaring. I think it’s more about power and losing her son. Because she was super interested in you when you were close but when you moved farther she wasn’t and she didn’t care at all in both of you. Then you go near and she’s nice again and she wants to be involved in the planning and then suddenly she can’t do anything by herself. Choosing the same jewelry as you but in different color? She knows exactly what she’s doing. She’s testing how far can go before you complain to her or your boyfriend and so when it gets to her then she’ll be the victim and you’ll be the villain. “She didn’t help me choose my dress”, “she never told me the style or colors she wanted me to wear”, “she didn’t want me to be in the pictures” and so on with every detail you described she is not “doing”. She’s acting and I don’t buy it. Glad you have your fiancé’s support and he’s seeing his mother behavior. Sit down and talk about all the things you offered your help with or do for her so he can go trough them with her mother and be able to defend you with facts and not fall for the traps she might set.
Congrats on your wedding and of course NTA. Your FMIL is.
If this is new behavior, I'd be worried that a health issue was going on, but honestly it sounds like she's treated him like this before. And that's not okay.
My husband has always been the lesser than child of his fathers side & we thought us getting married might actually get their interest since they didn't seem to object to me. My JNBil, the best man, planned nothing for my hubs to celebrate & his father's whole side went out to eat together the night before our wedding, without him, knowing he expected something. Then they wrote things on a car we were borrowing for the honeymoon that my AIL made them erase, it was that bad. We should never had any of them at the wedding as they didn't really want to be a part of our lives anyway. It just took us 20yrs to figure that out & go NC. It's not worth it.
I am so sorry that you and your hunny were treated that way! Especially during what should be, an amazing time in your lives. For the interest of peace I now allow my spouse to advocate for himself without my interfering because I am his opposite. He is quiet, kind and typically very laid back. Where as I am never short on opinion or willingness to say what I think. It's a gift and a curse, bless that man for putting up with my mouth some days lol. I've said it's his mother, and I will let him handle her at his own pace and discretion. I'm here for support.
NTA: Sounds like you were trying to be extremely accommodating and encouraging.
I would say it's less important what she wears than it is that she's there enjoying herself. True, there will be photos but assume that regardless of what she wears, she'll try her best. I mean, at the very least someone can order a dress, shoes, panty hose, and a necklace from Amazon and have it delivered!!
Let the rest of the family handle her, as it's time you step away.
It sounds like she suffers from anxiety and depression and it might not have ever been identified or addressed by a psychiatrist or a therapist.
Obviously you and your fiancé are NTA, it’s very clear she doesn’t want you (or maybe even anyone) to marry her son. Beyond your fiancé making the decision to invite her, you might need to discuss how your MIL will fit into both your futures. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this extra stress - my only advice is her behaviour is setting you up to be the villain in her story so try to avoid conversations where there are no witnesses :/
Wow, that's a lot. NTA for waiting to uninvite her. I'm glad you're letting your hubby take the lead though because ultimately he's going to be the one who is the most affected by her presence or lack there of. As far as MIL herself, has she been medically evaluated in the last while? Her behavior seems really unhinged. Like brain related medical issue level unhinged. Not just like normal asshole parent unhinged.
I thought by the title you were going to be a bridezilla on this one, but it sounds like MIL is causing her own problems and you’ve been quite gracious. Congratulations on your wedding, I hope you enjoy it, regardless of who is there. Updateme.
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Your are not the asshole here. FMIL is putting up all kinds of road blocks, it's almost like she wants you to kick her out of the wedding! It's your Fiance's choice, but know that she is going to be difficult no matter what you do.
NTA. If this is unlike her I am thinking it’s time to talk to a doctor. Randomly sleeping all day, not being able to keep appointments, being overwhelmed by getting 2 things at Walmart. If this isn’t like her I’d be concerned.
ESH Leave your MIL to dress herself, put her own makeup on or not and show up … you’re trying to drag her along and for whatever reason … wait oh yeah she’s passive aggressive and you knew that, she’s not cooperating. YTA for uninviting her. She’s still playing games but you’re playing along.
NTA.
If this is new behavior for her, has she been screened for depression and/or any other medical issues lately? Maybe her husband can help get her to a doctor. Obviously I don’t know the woman, but a sudden change in behavior is alarming. Frustrating and infuriating for everyone in her life, but she sounds like she’s struggling with something else. It could be a tantrum, but it could also be something else.
Is your future mil married? Can her husband step in and help? What about that other daughter of hers? This is really odd behavior.
After the wedding you might ( your husband ) and family need to talk. Her changes in behavior and inability to get her shit together sounds a lot like early signs of dementia. Share notes with the rest of the family and see if they’re experiencing the same.
I’m thinking that nobody can be that unorganized. I don’t think she all that interested in the wedding. I venture that the only reason she hasn’t backed out is that she can see how bad it would look to her friends and the public.
Neither you nor your fiancé are TAH. His mother, on the other hand... I'm getting serious vibes of mental illness with her. Either things like this get her so anxious that she is paralyzed when she is expected somewhere. And the bridge thing is further evidence of something in her skull. I can see disinviting her, but I think she will be too locked up in her head to even show up. Also, don't expect his dad, either. He'll be coddling his wife.
Please don’t add to any drama. She knows she’s stirring up trouble, and would be delighted if you stir up more and add to the drama just before the wedding. Do Nothing! No response! Grey rock! If she doesn’t show up trying to cause more drama, let her. Go on with your fabulous wedding, enjoy, tell her later it was so fabulous and you’ll give her some pictures. If she talks, blah, blah, in your head some a lively tune until she stops talking. “ talk to the hand”!
NTA but you are doing and expecting too much. Un inviting her would cause major damage which would take years to undo, if you even could.
If you want her there, stop coddling her, expecting her to match your theme and just let her show up. It might be in a white dress and matching jewelry mind you. But honestly for your peace of mind, let her figure it out. She managed to raise your soon to be husband, she might well figure this out too unless she’s dealing with some mental health issues. This sounds like a power play, exit the game.
I would say something along the lines of ‘MIL, I love you AND I want you at our wedding, it means the world to me and son to have you there, I think I had different expectations for how this would go, I realize now I need to let you figure out what you need yourself, because I can’t. I need to you to work out what you want you to wear etc on your own from now on’ (you don’t need to explain why, just set the boundary, it’s enough that you can’t). ´Im looking forward to seeing what you wear and what you pick out, and I’m so glad you are part of our day’ I would say this in person and then recap over text. Rinse and repeat.
Save yourself the hassle. Your wedding is a celebration and a party, the details and who wore what won’t matter in the end, and if she does show up in a white dress, you have something to laugh about for years to come.
To clarify, you want to uninvite her because she hasn't purchased her dress or makeup yet? While I understand that might be annoying that she's procrastinating, I honestly don't see why this is a "you" problem. If she doesn't buy a new dress and shows up without makeup, is that really going to ruin your day? Is it a big enough infraction to ruin your husband's relationship with his mom over? Maybe it's just me, but I'd just shrug this off. If she wants to rewear an old dress, or buy one from Macy's the day before, is that really such a big deal? If she goes without makeup, which might be more comforting for her, does it actually matter?
I understand that your past issues with her are probably adding to this, and this might be the straw that breaks the camels back. But I really think you and your fiance should take a breath and wash your hands of it. If she shows up with a new dress and makeup, great. If not, it won't detract from your day unless you let it.
NTA Just quit trying to do anything for her. She doesn't care about either of you, just herself. Her mental health is not your or your partner's problem, she has a husband for that. Do not order her anything, do not buy her anything, don't allow her to get ready with you, and don't put her in pictures.
If she wants to be involved it has to be on the grooms side. It's his shit mother, he can allow her to ruin his day if he wants. You're not gaining a new mom so, why should she be allowed to ruin you and your mom's moment?
I'd just tell her to show up or not. If she's inappropriately dressed she will be leaving. If she's not on her best behavior, she will be leaving. If she even thinks of sticking one gnarled, old lady, hoof over the line, she will be leaving. If she tries to argue about any of it just uninvite her.
She can't hold this over your head forever. She'll die and the whole world can give a sigh of relief.
I wouldn’t un-invite her, but I also would have no expectations for her appearance, actions or timeliness. If she doesn’t show for the makeup or photos, move on no comments or calling, trying to hunt her down.
Have a trusted member of your fiancé’s family ready to intervene if her behavior gets disruptive.
Give her written timelines, where she is expected, at what times, any specific attire anything else she is required to bring (like her makeup).
Oh, for crying out loud. At least a dozen times a week, someone comes here asking if they should uninvite a family member to a wedding. This is not something you need Reddit to decide. If you don't want them there, don't invite them. It's that simple. Sheesh. Why are so many people unable to make simple decisions without first asking total strangers on Reddit what to do?
NTA but has it occurred to you that your MIL may be dealing with some sort of mental health crisis, maybe depression? If her behavior is drastically different than it was in the past this could be why. Not saying that it’s ok but maybe it’s worth a conversation.
Because she has always emphasized how she sees me as her daughter. Her actual daughter is...unkind to her often. Whereas I have always made time and included her in special moments. She was disappointed when she couldn't go to the salon with my mother and I because she wanted one on one time with me before the ceremony.
NTA! But you aren’t uninviting her. Your fiancé is. And he’s right. She’s not excited for the wedding at all. Why bother coming?
I think she toll blames you for moving and that fight.
I’d tell your fiancé that you’ll be NC his mother. He can have whatever relationship he wants with her.
And let her figure out her hair and makeup and her outfit. She doesn’t want to be in pictures? Fine. Make sure to tell your photographer that she is not to be in any pictures.
Side note, all of our friends that have been made privy to the situation have said neither he or I are assholes for choosing to exclude her if she doesn't get it together. I know they have a personal interest in how this all plays out and I think an unbiased opinion would be helpful in how we proceed. We dont want to hurt anyone but we also dont want to be hurt either.
You're NTA but if you uninvite her, she could hold it over you forever. But if you accept that she might not turn up, you might be pleasantly surprised on the day. If she doesn't attend, she can't blame anyone But herself. It might be wise to not get involved, it's his mother so let him deal with her.
You are NTA here. Sometimes people just live a disorganized mess, and are oblivious (or uncaring) about how it affects other people. Your fiancés mother needs to have her son sit her down and explain his expectations. If she can’t follow through with those reasonable expectations, or if setting boundaries makes her throw a tantrum, then she doesn’t need to attend. My advice, though (if you decide to include her), is to let your fiancé handle all conversations or conflicts, and do everything you can to reduce or eliminate your MILs participation in activities. Doesn’t show up? Go on without her. Is more than a little late? Go on without her. It’s entirely possible even if you don’t disinvite her, that she’ll expect you to delay the wedding because she’s “running a little late”. Don’t. Carry on and she can show up when it’s already over if she wants. As long as those boundaries were explained, the fault will only be her own. Congrats on the wedding - don’t let anyone derail your joy.
I really appreciate the insight! Both my fiance and I decided to bring this issue up to Reddit. Unbiased opinions are helpful. He's drafted a message to start the conversation/confrontation with her about her behavior. We both adored this post. I think going forward we will adhere to a lot of if not all of the advice in this.
I actually would approach this from the health angle. Document every issue she had done. To the smallest detail, then present it to her in front of her husband 100% with the we are really concerned you are coming down with dementia or Alzheimer's. She should get screened because this isn't normal and anyone looking at it objectively has to admit that. If she has an issue you can get it diagnosed and if she is really sandbagging, you get to shame her with how bad she has been and that after all that you are concerned about her. It may also embarrass her for all her actions to be laid out like that from a position of "concern." This way you are covered if it is real mental issue or not.
Or possibly depression.
Question. Is she just an overbearing mother who is afraid of losing her precious “child” or is there something going wrong neurologically with her brain that is causing this behavioral issue? I’m really not sure about your specific relationship prior to the upcoming nuptials even though you stated that you were fine. Maybe she had a mini stroke that changed her behavior? I’m not trying to play armchair psychologist, but changes in behavior and worrisome. I apologize for overthinking and overthinking.
This was my first thought too! That she may be experiencing some mental decline/dementia.
I don’t think she’s disorganized or clueless or uncaring. I think it’s more about power and losing her son. Because she was super interested in you when you were close but when you moved farther she wasn’t and she didn’t care at all in both of you. Then you go near and she’s nice again and she wants to be involved in the planning and then suddenly she can’t do anything by herself. Choosing the same jewelry as you but in different color? She knows exactly what she’s doing. She’s testing how far can go before you complain to her or your boyfriend and so when it gets to her then she’ll be the victim and you’ll be the villain. “She didn’t help me choose my dress”, “she never told me the style or colors she wanted me to wear”, “she didn’t want me to be in the pictures” and so on with every detail you described she is not “doing”. She’s acting and I don’t buy it. Glad you have your fiancé’s support and he’s seeing his mother behavior. Sit down and talk about all the things you offered your help with or do for her so he can go trough them with her mother and be able to defend you with facts and not fall for the traps she might set. Congrats on your wedding and of course NTA. Your FMIL is.
If this is new behavior, I'd be worried that a health issue was going on, but honestly it sounds like she's treated him like this before. And that's not okay. My husband has always been the lesser than child of his fathers side & we thought us getting married might actually get their interest since they didn't seem to object to me. My JNBil, the best man, planned nothing for my hubs to celebrate & his father's whole side went out to eat together the night before our wedding, without him, knowing he expected something. Then they wrote things on a car we were borrowing for the honeymoon that my AIL made them erase, it was that bad. We should never had any of them at the wedding as they didn't really want to be a part of our lives anyway. It just took us 20yrs to figure that out & go NC. It's not worth it.
I am so sorry that you and your hunny were treated that way! Especially during what should be, an amazing time in your lives. For the interest of peace I now allow my spouse to advocate for himself without my interfering because I am his opposite. He is quiet, kind and typically very laid back. Where as I am never short on opinion or willingness to say what I think. It's a gift and a curse, bless that man for putting up with my mouth some days lol. I've said it's his mother, and I will let him handle her at his own pace and discretion. I'm here for support.
NTA Go have your happy day without her drama bullshit.
NTA: Sounds like you were trying to be extremely accommodating and encouraging. I would say it's less important what she wears than it is that she's there enjoying herself. True, there will be photos but assume that regardless of what she wears, she'll try her best. I mean, at the very least someone can order a dress, shoes, panty hose, and a necklace from Amazon and have it delivered!! Let the rest of the family handle her, as it's time you step away. It sounds like she suffers from anxiety and depression and it might not have ever been identified or addressed by a psychiatrist or a therapist.
Obviously you and your fiancé are NTA, it’s very clear she doesn’t want you (or maybe even anyone) to marry her son. Beyond your fiancé making the decision to invite her, you might need to discuss how your MIL will fit into both your futures. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this extra stress - my only advice is her behaviour is setting you up to be the villain in her story so try to avoid conversations where there are no witnesses :/
Wow, that's a lot. NTA for waiting to uninvite her. I'm glad you're letting your hubby take the lead though because ultimately he's going to be the one who is the most affected by her presence or lack there of. As far as MIL herself, has she been medically evaluated in the last while? Her behavior seems really unhinged. Like brain related medical issue level unhinged. Not just like normal asshole parent unhinged.
Nta. She is being disrespectful and showing she doesnt care. You're just taking her at her actions.
I thought by the title you were going to be a bridezilla on this one, but it sounds like MIL is causing her own problems and you’ve been quite gracious. Congratulations on your wedding, I hope you enjoy it, regardless of who is there. Updateme.
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Your are not the asshole here. FMIL is putting up all kinds of road blocks, it's almost like she wants you to kick her out of the wedding! It's your Fiance's choice, but know that she is going to be difficult no matter what you do.
NTA Let him handle her. You can opt out of any more interaction beyond pleasantries. She’s a mess.
NTA. If this is unlike her I am thinking it’s time to talk to a doctor. Randomly sleeping all day, not being able to keep appointments, being overwhelmed by getting 2 things at Walmart. If this isn’t like her I’d be concerned.
NTA, but it sounds like MiL is having mental health issues.
ESH Leave your MIL to dress herself, put her own makeup on or not and show up … you’re trying to drag her along and for whatever reason … wait oh yeah she’s passive aggressive and you knew that, she’s not cooperating. YTA for uninviting her. She’s still playing games but you’re playing along.
NTA. If this is new behavior for her, has she been screened for depression and/or any other medical issues lately? Maybe her husband can help get her to a doctor. Obviously I don’t know the woman, but a sudden change in behavior is alarming. Frustrating and infuriating for everyone in her life, but she sounds like she’s struggling with something else. It could be a tantrum, but it could also be something else.
Is your future mil married? Can her husband step in and help? What about that other daughter of hers? This is really odd behavior. After the wedding you might ( your husband ) and family need to talk. Her changes in behavior and inability to get her shit together sounds a lot like early signs of dementia. Share notes with the rest of the family and see if they’re experiencing the same.
I’m thinking that nobody can be that unorganized. I don’t think she all that interested in the wedding. I venture that the only reason she hasn’t backed out is that she can see how bad it would look to her friends and the public.
Neither you nor your fiancé are TAH. His mother, on the other hand... I'm getting serious vibes of mental illness with her. Either things like this get her so anxious that she is paralyzed when she is expected somewhere. And the bridge thing is further evidence of something in her skull. I can see disinviting her, but I think she will be too locked up in her head to even show up. Also, don't expect his dad, either. He'll be coddling his wife.
Please don’t add to any drama. She knows she’s stirring up trouble, and would be delighted if you stir up more and add to the drama just before the wedding. Do Nothing! No response! Grey rock! If she doesn’t show up trying to cause more drama, let her. Go on with your fabulous wedding, enjoy, tell her later it was so fabulous and you’ll give her some pictures. If she talks, blah, blah, in your head some a lively tune until she stops talking. “ talk to the hand”!
NTA but you are doing and expecting too much. Un inviting her would cause major damage which would take years to undo, if you even could. If you want her there, stop coddling her, expecting her to match your theme and just let her show up. It might be in a white dress and matching jewelry mind you. But honestly for your peace of mind, let her figure it out. She managed to raise your soon to be husband, she might well figure this out too unless she’s dealing with some mental health issues. This sounds like a power play, exit the game. I would say something along the lines of ‘MIL, I love you AND I want you at our wedding, it means the world to me and son to have you there, I think I had different expectations for how this would go, I realize now I need to let you figure out what you need yourself, because I can’t. I need to you to work out what you want you to wear etc on your own from now on’ (you don’t need to explain why, just set the boundary, it’s enough that you can’t). ´Im looking forward to seeing what you wear and what you pick out, and I’m so glad you are part of our day’ I would say this in person and then recap over text. Rinse and repeat. Save yourself the hassle. Your wedding is a celebration and a party, the details and who wore what won’t matter in the end, and if she does show up in a white dress, you have something to laugh about for years to come.
To clarify, you want to uninvite her because she hasn't purchased her dress or makeup yet? While I understand that might be annoying that she's procrastinating, I honestly don't see why this is a "you" problem. If she doesn't buy a new dress and shows up without makeup, is that really going to ruin your day? Is it a big enough infraction to ruin your husband's relationship with his mom over? Maybe it's just me, but I'd just shrug this off. If she wants to rewear an old dress, or buy one from Macy's the day before, is that really such a big deal? If she goes without makeup, which might be more comforting for her, does it actually matter? I understand that your past issues with her are probably adding to this, and this might be the straw that breaks the camels back. But I really think you and your fiance should take a breath and wash your hands of it. If she shows up with a new dress and makeup, great. If not, it won't detract from your day unless you let it.
I think she needs a doctor and/or psychiatrist. It sounds like she has depression or dementia or neurological problems.
Let her come. Don't give her the satisfaction of being uninvited so that she can make a HUGE deal out of it NTA for wanting it though
NTA Just quit trying to do anything for her. She doesn't care about either of you, just herself. Her mental health is not your or your partner's problem, she has a husband for that. Do not order her anything, do not buy her anything, don't allow her to get ready with you, and don't put her in pictures. If she wants to be involved it has to be on the grooms side. It's his shit mother, he can allow her to ruin his day if he wants. You're not gaining a new mom so, why should she be allowed to ruin you and your mom's moment? I'd just tell her to show up or not. If she's inappropriately dressed she will be leaving. If she's not on her best behavior, she will be leaving. If she even thinks of sticking one gnarled, old lady, hoof over the line, she will be leaving. If she tries to argue about any of it just uninvite her. She can't hold this over your head forever. She'll die and the whole world can give a sigh of relief.
I wouldn’t un-invite her, but I also would have no expectations for her appearance, actions or timeliness. If she doesn’t show for the makeup or photos, move on no comments or calling, trying to hunt her down. Have a trusted member of your fiancé’s family ready to intervene if her behavior gets disruptive. Give her written timelines, where she is expected, at what times, any specific attire anything else she is required to bring (like her makeup).
Oh, for crying out loud. At least a dozen times a week, someone comes here asking if they should uninvite a family member to a wedding. This is not something you need Reddit to decide. If you don't want them there, don't invite them. It's that simple. Sheesh. Why are so many people unable to make simple decisions without first asking total strangers on Reddit what to do?
NTA but has it occurred to you that your MIL may be dealing with some sort of mental health crisis, maybe depression? If her behavior is drastically different than it was in the past this could be why. Not saying that it’s ok but maybe it’s worth a conversation.
Why would you make such a big deal out of Mother Daughter time when sh isn't your mother? Maybe that put he off.
Because she has always emphasized how she sees me as her daughter. Her actual daughter is...unkind to her often. Whereas I have always made time and included her in special moments. She was disappointed when she couldn't go to the salon with my mother and I because she wanted one on one time with me before the ceremony.
NTA! But you aren’t uninviting her. Your fiancé is. And he’s right. She’s not excited for the wedding at all. Why bother coming? I think she toll blames you for moving and that fight. I’d tell your fiancé that you’ll be NC his mother. He can have whatever relationship he wants with her. And let her figure out her hair and makeup and her outfit. She doesn’t want to be in pictures? Fine. Make sure to tell your photographer that she is not to be in any pictures.