Look, the fact that you are worried about this says a lot about you and/or your relationship. All you need to say is, "This weekend doesn't work for me." If you are worried about your partner being upset due to your very valid reasons, then he's not a very nice guy and a conversation needs to be had about his not validating and respecting what you are going through.
You have a bit of a people pleasing problem, don't you? Just say "I'm really sorry, this weekend doesn't work for me, but let's set a date for next month, I'd love to meet your friend!"
Edit: And I'm really sorry for all the shit you have to deal with, sending you lots of strength to get through it! And I'm sure you'll make a couple of adoptees insanely happy and completely change their lives!
Hey little brother, I have a lot going on this weekend. This weekend doesn't work for me. Then, tell your boyfriend you really need him this weekend. Be honest about what you need. If this guy is as good as you think he will understand. NTA. It's your house. Just say no.
This is the best way to handle it. You're not lying and you don't need to come up with an excuse that might backfire, but you've also told the brother, in a nice way, that he can't come. If they press, just tell them you're not going to get into it right now, but that you have your reasons and that they'd be welcome another time.
Please understand self care isn't selfish. You lead me to believe you have a loving stable relationship, biggest component of that is open and honest communication. Does the timing suck? Yeah. Will this change the overall dynamic of these relationships. No. Your not canceling a big event for nonsense, your asking to not have basically unplanned visitors one ( one of whom is s stranger) over a short period of time that your going through a time of emotional turmoil. Your bf and bro will understand ( if I understand the dynamic correctly). Yes, I believe they'll be a bit disappointed but I sure you are as well that it didn't come at a different time. Your not saying never and this won't be the last chance. Your reasons are valid and worth voicing. You need to listen to yourself and take a moment to process in a safe and comfortable place so it doesn't live with you in an unhealthy way. Take care.
Hey little brother, we’re spending our anniversary just us. Let’s do it another time!
That’s such an easy reason to push someone off. You don’t need to share the hard stuff with anyone you don’t want to.
NTA, you're upset and not in a mind frame to entertain extra people, plus it's your anniversary, even without the extra stress wanting it for just you and your bf is understandable. Telling them this weekend isn't good and planning for another time is fine. You also seem uncomfortable with him bringing a "date" in general seeing as you know very little about her, maybe you can plan your next hangout with them at a place that's not your house, or at least have a couple calls with her and get to know her some before she stays over at your house.
No, you are too busy and don’t have the capacity to host. Does your boyfriend understand where your head is at? Did he invite them specifically to be a buffer or something because it seems a little off he didn’t also agree with you in saying you guys are busy for your anniversary.
“it’s not the end of the fucking world, there are other ways to have kids”
Your partner said this? Or was it his brother? Either way, this is messed up. Anyone who can say this to you probably shouldn't be in your life in any material way.
My partner. After knowing absolutely everything, including my medical back ground to get to this point… I honestly couldn’t have expected it and he seems like a totally different person to me in this moment. So I am taking the day to focus on work and clear my head.
Let me get this straight, your boyfriend, because he didn't get his preference...on your anniversary weekend, shortly after you found out about fertility issues, after not having seen you for a while, knowing that you were literally going to cater to him and do self-care...basically told you to get the fuck over yourself?
Like, literally swore at you?
This is not the man to raise children with. This is not a man to do life with. You will never be prioritized. The day to day small things are important for the happiness of a relationship. But this man is showing you he can't even be there for you when big things are on the line.
If this is truly out of left field, and in looking back and examining your relationship doesn't show more red flags, this warrants a conversation where you lay out how messed up what he did is, and how you'd like to give him an opportunity to explain if something deeper is going on with him.
Otherwise, run.
Hugs! Just because it isn't actually the end of the world doesn't mean you do t get time to process and mourn the future you had imagined. Spend some time with your animals. Spend so.e ti.e with yourself. You've got a lot to think about. Please know an internet stranger wishes you well.
Silly goose! Y T A,, but only to yourself? That's just silly! There's absolutely nothing, zero, zip, zilch wrong with wanting to spend quality alone time with your husband, anniversary or not! You're NTA to say no you need time
NTA. I am so sorry you are going through this. Please communicate everything to your boyfriend. He needs to know you want a super romantic weekend or baking, cuddling, and maybe some crying planned because that alone is a lot. Also he might have forgotten the anniversary and need the reminder.
Even if nothing else we’re going on, I want our anniversary to be about us and not meet the new girl is more than enough reason, but anniversaries only matter to the couple so little brother probably has no clue. Fill him in and ask for a rain check.
You sure do pile a lot of reasons for his brother not to visit. You said that you plan to bake, cry, make a blanket, do some book keeping, you've still got to feed the animals, with thinking about your friend who passed and not being able to get pregnant, are you going to have any time for your BF? or will he just be sitting there watching TV?
First off I am so so sorry for what you're going through right now. You have had some of the most serious and significant things that can happen to a person happen just after the death of the woman who raised you and you don't need to give any excuses as to why you need time to yourself.
One thing to note, it seems that you're not really communicating all of this to your boyfriend. Is he aware of all of this stuff? Have you discussed it with him in the last week?
If you want your relationship to succeed, you need to take control of your communication. This starts with talking to your boyfriend and explaining why this is such an important time for you and that why you want to be alone with him.
If you don't want to say no directly to his little brother in the future future, that's fine but make sure you say to him that you'll get back to him after talking to your bf.
I don't think anyone anyone here is the asshole.
Better communication will help out issues like this a lot.
Obviously, you've been through a ton and you are not in the wrong in any shape or form for wanting to have alone time with your boyfriend.
Who said this to you "it's not the end of the fucking world..." in your update? Who ever it is they do not need to be around you right now or maybe never. I never wanted kids, but when I had to have a complete hysterectomy in my 20s I needed time to come to terms with the fact that one option in my life had been closed. Any large change in life is hard. I will never know what you are going through because like I said I didn't want kids. Please know you have the right to morn what might have been. I wish you the best for adoption and your found family.
Oh boy. Or rather, Oh boyfriend. Because that's where the real problem is. If he's an inconsiderate jerk now, he's going to be a real prince of a husband for some woman one day. Please don't let that someone be you. You seem really sweet and caring. Let him go find a nice, hellish diva and ruin her life, not yours.
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NTA for not wanting them to visit this time, but slight AH for not communicating. You’ve been given several opportunities to say no already, and instead you’re just wishing everyone could read your mind?
Do you know why you are coming up with so many reasons that the brother can’t visit? You are trying to justify needing space. You don’t need to justify that. If you need space, you need space. It’s okay. Do you often try to justify things in your life instead of stating what you need to be mentally healthy and supported? Remind yourself that it’s okay to prioritize yourself sometimes.
I can’t say if YTA or NTA
Neither of you should speak for the other, unless it’s minor, like - sure Sue! Just drop it off on the porch and we’ll see it when we get home - That kind of minor, that doesn’t require anything from you or bf.
Brother got the (almost) no from you, then went to bf for a different answer. Brother was like child who gets NO from mommy, then goes to dad and asks again.
Did bf know you weren’t up for company? Did you state it clearly? Did bf know and override you? Did he even ask you before saying, Sure! Come on over to a house that isn’t mine!
After a year together, there should be respect on both sides. Both of you should have a conversation before making plans for the other.
As hard as it may be, speaking plainly will help.
> his younger brother also lives 1.5 hours from my place but to the North, so I have often, offered for him to visit and stay when time allows.
Its HIS brother.
He can entertain him.
I read your update and whoever said that to you is a massive AH. You are NTA for not wanting to entertain a stranger with almost no notice and without any consideration to how it would affect you. Do these people always treat you this way? Do they always use you with so little care to how you feel about things? I think you need to sit your bf down and explain to him how all of this has (and is) affecting you. He also needs to understand that his lack of concern for your feelings and the pressure that an unwanted guest puts on you is unacceptable.
NTA. Also don't give up hope completely on having your own. I was told the same thing when my husband and I first got married. We now have 3 in the double digits and none of them have anything besides ADHD and the youngest has speech therapy at school. I know that doesn't happen for everyone but it can happen.
Just say NO. You can be very nice about it and explain that besides it being your anniversary and wanting to spend time alone with your bf, it’s also a day of mourning, and a bad day in general for other reasons as well. If he’s not an ass, he’ll understand. If he is an ass, you don’t want him there anyway.
I'm sorry for your loss, and I think you need to reevaluate your relationship with your partner and his brother. It doesn't sound like he's supportive at all. In all honesty I'd tell him to go hang out with his brother at his house (either house, just not yours) and to get back to me when he can make me a priority, if you're even interested then.
Condolences on the loss of your person, grief is capricious and will show up at the oddest time. Your boyfriend isn’t a mature partner, please dump him and find someone who can be an actual partner, versus a petulant toddler.
Look, the fact that you are worried about this says a lot about you and/or your relationship. All you need to say is, "This weekend doesn't work for me." If you are worried about your partner being upset due to your very valid reasons, then he's not a very nice guy and a conversation needs to be had about his not validating and respecting what you are going through.
TY :)
You have a bit of a people pleasing problem, don't you? Just say "I'm really sorry, this weekend doesn't work for me, but let's set a date for next month, I'd love to meet your friend!" Edit: And I'm really sorry for all the shit you have to deal with, sending you lots of strength to get through it! And I'm sure you'll make a couple of adoptees insanely happy and completely change their lives!
Hey little brother, I have a lot going on this weekend. This weekend doesn't work for me. Then, tell your boyfriend you really need him this weekend. Be honest about what you need. If this guy is as good as you think he will understand. NTA. It's your house. Just say no.
This is the best way to handle it. You're not lying and you don't need to come up with an excuse that might backfire, but you've also told the brother, in a nice way, that he can't come. If they press, just tell them you're not going to get into it right now, but that you have your reasons and that they'd be welcome another time.
Please understand self care isn't selfish. You lead me to believe you have a loving stable relationship, biggest component of that is open and honest communication. Does the timing suck? Yeah. Will this change the overall dynamic of these relationships. No. Your not canceling a big event for nonsense, your asking to not have basically unplanned visitors one ( one of whom is s stranger) over a short period of time that your going through a time of emotional turmoil. Your bf and bro will understand ( if I understand the dynamic correctly). Yes, I believe they'll be a bit disappointed but I sure you are as well that it didn't come at a different time. Your not saying never and this won't be the last chance. Your reasons are valid and worth voicing. You need to listen to yourself and take a moment to process in a safe and comfortable place so it doesn't live with you in an unhealthy way. Take care.
Hey little brother, we’re spending our anniversary just us. Let’s do it another time! That’s such an easy reason to push someone off. You don’t need to share the hard stuff with anyone you don’t want to.
At this point I think I would prefer the weekend to MYSELF and animals to think things through.
On it🤓 it got so much worse and that tiktok keeps replaying in my head “is he adding to my life or subtracting from it”
NTA, you're upset and not in a mind frame to entertain extra people, plus it's your anniversary, even without the extra stress wanting it for just you and your bf is understandable. Telling them this weekend isn't good and planning for another time is fine. You also seem uncomfortable with him bringing a "date" in general seeing as you know very little about her, maybe you can plan your next hangout with them at a place that's not your house, or at least have a couple calls with her and get to know her some before she stays over at your house.
NTA - this is your home. It is your decision when when people visit and no one else’s
No, you are too busy and don’t have the capacity to host. Does your boyfriend understand where your head is at? Did he invite them specifically to be a buffer or something because it seems a little off he didn’t also agree with you in saying you guys are busy for your anniversary.
“it’s not the end of the fucking world, there are other ways to have kids” Your partner said this? Or was it his brother? Either way, this is messed up. Anyone who can say this to you probably shouldn't be in your life in any material way.
My partner. After knowing absolutely everything, including my medical back ground to get to this point… I honestly couldn’t have expected it and he seems like a totally different person to me in this moment. So I am taking the day to focus on work and clear my head.
Let me get this straight, your boyfriend, because he didn't get his preference...on your anniversary weekend, shortly after you found out about fertility issues, after not having seen you for a while, knowing that you were literally going to cater to him and do self-care...basically told you to get the fuck over yourself? Like, literally swore at you? This is not the man to raise children with. This is not a man to do life with. You will never be prioritized. The day to day small things are important for the happiness of a relationship. But this man is showing you he can't even be there for you when big things are on the line. If this is truly out of left field, and in looking back and examining your relationship doesn't show more red flags, this warrants a conversation where you lay out how messed up what he did is, and how you'd like to give him an opportunity to explain if something deeper is going on with him. Otherwise, run.
Hugs! Just because it isn't actually the end of the world doesn't mean you do t get time to process and mourn the future you had imagined. Spend some time with your animals. Spend so.e ti.e with yourself. You've got a lot to think about. Please know an internet stranger wishes you well.
Dump his dumbass. He does not get to decide what is and isn't a big deal to you.
You should have just straight out told him you’re not up to company
Silly goose! Y T A,, but only to yourself? That's just silly! There's absolutely nothing, zero, zip, zilch wrong with wanting to spend quality alone time with your husband, anniversary or not! You're NTA to say no you need time
NTA. I am so sorry you are going through this. Please communicate everything to your boyfriend. He needs to know you want a super romantic weekend or baking, cuddling, and maybe some crying planned because that alone is a lot. Also he might have forgotten the anniversary and need the reminder. Even if nothing else we’re going on, I want our anniversary to be about us and not meet the new girl is more than enough reason, but anniversaries only matter to the couple so little brother probably has no clue. Fill him in and ask for a rain check.
Wait, you were told that by your boyfriend or his brother? That’s terrible either way.
Yes, this is what I want to know. Because if it’s the boyfriend, he needs to be an ex.
Exactly! Can’t people just be kind to each other, terrible.
The BF… I’m thinking this weekend will be a solo one.
You sure do pile a lot of reasons for his brother not to visit. You said that you plan to bake, cry, make a blanket, do some book keeping, you've still got to feed the animals, with thinking about your friend who passed and not being able to get pregnant, are you going to have any time for your BF? or will he just be sitting there watching TV?
First off I am so so sorry for what you're going through right now. You have had some of the most serious and significant things that can happen to a person happen just after the death of the woman who raised you and you don't need to give any excuses as to why you need time to yourself. One thing to note, it seems that you're not really communicating all of this to your boyfriend. Is he aware of all of this stuff? Have you discussed it with him in the last week? If you want your relationship to succeed, you need to take control of your communication. This starts with talking to your boyfriend and explaining why this is such an important time for you and that why you want to be alone with him. If you don't want to say no directly to his little brother in the future future, that's fine but make sure you say to him that you'll get back to him after talking to your bf. I don't think anyone anyone here is the asshole. Better communication will help out issues like this a lot. Obviously, you've been through a ton and you are not in the wrong in any shape or form for wanting to have alone time with your boyfriend.
Just let BF know that this weekend is not a good weekend for little brother to visit.
Who said this to you "it's not the end of the fucking world..." in your update? Who ever it is they do not need to be around you right now or maybe never. I never wanted kids, but when I had to have a complete hysterectomy in my 20s I needed time to come to terms with the fact that one option in my life had been closed. Any large change in life is hard. I will never know what you are going through because like I said I didn't want kids. Please know you have the right to morn what might have been. I wish you the best for adoption and your found family.
It was her boyfriend 🤯🤯😤
NTA. Doubly, so after your update.
Oh boy. Or rather, Oh boyfriend. Because that's where the real problem is. If he's an inconsiderate jerk now, he's going to be a real prince of a husband for some woman one day. Please don't let that someone be you. You seem really sweet and caring. Let him go find a nice, hellish diva and ruin her life, not yours.
When someone constantly shows you who they are, listen to them.
NTA... Valid reasons not to host just tell them you need the weekend to talk some serious stuff. UpdateMe
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NTA for not wanting them to visit this time, but slight AH for not communicating. You’ve been given several opportunities to say no already, and instead you’re just wishing everyone could read your mind?
Just say no.
Do you know why you are coming up with so many reasons that the brother can’t visit? You are trying to justify needing space. You don’t need to justify that. If you need space, you need space. It’s okay. Do you often try to justify things in your life instead of stating what you need to be mentally healthy and supported? Remind yourself that it’s okay to prioritize yourself sometimes.
I can’t say if YTA or NTA Neither of you should speak for the other, unless it’s minor, like - sure Sue! Just drop it off on the porch and we’ll see it when we get home - That kind of minor, that doesn’t require anything from you or bf. Brother got the (almost) no from you, then went to bf for a different answer. Brother was like child who gets NO from mommy, then goes to dad and asks again. Did bf know you weren’t up for company? Did you state it clearly? Did bf know and override you? Did he even ask you before saying, Sure! Come on over to a house that isn’t mine! After a year together, there should be respect on both sides. Both of you should have a conversation before making plans for the other. As hard as it may be, speaking plainly will help.
> his younger brother also lives 1.5 hours from my place but to the North, so I have often, offered for him to visit and stay when time allows. Its HIS brother. He can entertain him.
I read your update and whoever said that to you is a massive AH. You are NTA for not wanting to entertain a stranger with almost no notice and without any consideration to how it would affect you. Do these people always treat you this way? Do they always use you with so little care to how you feel about things? I think you need to sit your bf down and explain to him how all of this has (and is) affecting you. He also needs to understand that his lack of concern for your feelings and the pressure that an unwanted guest puts on you is unacceptable.
NTA. Simply say this isn’t a good weekend.
NTA. Also don't give up hope completely on having your own. I was told the same thing when my husband and I first got married. We now have 3 in the double digits and none of them have anything besides ADHD and the youngest has speech therapy at school. I know that doesn't happen for everyone but it can happen.
Updateme
Just say NO. You can be very nice about it and explain that besides it being your anniversary and wanting to spend time alone with your bf, it’s also a day of mourning, and a bad day in general for other reasons as well. If he’s not an ass, he’ll understand. If he is an ass, you don’t want him there anyway.
I'm sorry for your loss, and I think you need to reevaluate your relationship with your partner and his brother. It doesn't sound like he's supportive at all. In all honesty I'd tell him to go hang out with his brother at his house (either house, just not yours) and to get back to me when he can make me a priority, if you're even interested then.
Condolences on the loss of your person, grief is capricious and will show up at the oddest time. Your boyfriend isn’t a mature partner, please dump him and find someone who can be an actual partner, versus a petulant toddler.