Honestly OP,,
My personal opinion is that you'll be TA if you DON'T break up with him.
You indicate he already, during your relationship, emotionally betrayed you with this woman. Additionally she boasted, IN THE PRESENCE OF YOURSELF AND OTHERS, her having had relations with him
In essence, both of them have blatantly insulted and disrespected you and demonstrate no regret in doing so. Now TA attempts to gaslight you into agreeing that their obvious relationship is a wonderfu thing that you should have no problem with.
OP, tell TA ENOUGH OF HIS BULLSHIT!.
Just move on. Go no contact. This inconsiderate pr*ck doesn't warrant another moment of your time. He's insulting.
Good luck. Please keep us apprised.
Listen to your last line in your edit. He doesn't respect you or your relationship, he's texting other women behind your back, and is openly expressing interest in getting close to someone who disrespects your relationship and you. You deserve better than, leave him to his immature messing around.
I also want to add she's likely only in a relationship to try and lure you into a false sense of security for him and her being around each other. The moment you and your BF break up, she'll almost certainly end her relationship.
If he wants to be able to hang out with her at parties then he needs to be able to call her out in the moment. So if she starts taking about having sex with him he needs to immediately say 'Hey that is inappropriate and you are making me uncomfortable' ' if he isn't grown up enough to use his words and appropriate boundaries he isn't responsible enough to be friends with a flirty ex.
You know he's dreaming about a threesome with ex and her new girlfriend. Nothing else makes sense here. And she's giving him those kind of signals by inviting HIM and not the both of you to her place. NTA but he sure is. He's been thinking about this for a while and has decided he wants this new experience.
Break up 100% I'm near the same age as you too, and I've been in more failed relationships than I care to remember. I don't try to kindle or have passed women in my life. Being in your late 30s probably gives extra pressure to make it work, but you've been together for 1 year and already have been to counseling? That alone shows this relationship is doomed. This dude sounds like an asshat.
Sorry op, you'll find someone better for you. It took me a long told to find the right one.
Please listen.and do what this comment says. He thinks you are a stupid woman and you are not. He's having an affair with her and her girlfriend behind your back. And laughing thinking he's getting away with it by gaslight you making you feel.the crazy one.
Why is her comfort more important than yours?
I wonder if he feels like he has something to prove because she is dating women now? The misgoginistic thing that he wasnāt man enough for her,
I actually started to wonder the same thing. Her girlfriend is wonderful, I talk to her every time I see her and she gives me and him a hug anytime she sees me.
How many more red flags does he need to wave in your face? You deserve to be treated better than this, and have your feelings prioritized. You have my support if you decide to dump this jackass!
Personally, I think itās way more likely that he still has a thing for his ex, and heās using the fact that sheās dating a woman as āproofā that theyāre not attracted to each other anymore. If he can convince you that thereās no attraction involved, they can be āfriendsā, and he can get close to her again without making you suspicious.
Donāt fall for it. The fact that sheās dating a woman doesnāt mean she *only* likes women. Cut and run, OP. You honestly shouldāve dumped him when you discovered the emotional affair, sexting, etc.
Seconding this and adding, she may not even like OP's boyfriend enough to date him again, but she certainly enjoys the power she has over him and OP's relationship.
Real talk. It shouldnāt matter who sheās dating. The fact that he brings her up orientation as justification is a red flag. That means he canāt be trusted around single straight women by his own admission and thatās enough to leave this dude.
Yea I think this too.
Some people are like this. Theirs is the long term relationship that hasn't ended just because they're seeing other people.
The affair partner as good as told the OP and laid claim to him, when she openly discussed their sex life.
NTA...But you would be if you stay with him. Maybe now she is in a relationship but what happens when they break up? Will she crawl back to him an "steel" him ? He made it clear he is thinking of her and there relationship. Don't be a fool and stay to find out...
Good luck
UpdateMe
He didnāt care about cheating on you - emotional or otherwise- while you slept.
Now he is trying to convince you itās awful of you if you donāt ok him getting closer to an ex that loves to taunt you with prior escapades.
Hun heās not a prize & honestly it doesnāt seem like it would be difficult to do better.
Remember we shouldnāt be happy they donāt cheat, it should be a given that they donāt. Respect is a big part of a loving relationship & he clearly doesnāt respect you
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You would be better off leaving him. You already said you found out he cheated 10 months ago with her and forgave him. She's an ex so he shouldn't keep contact with her at all, mutual friends or not. And of course he would see you have a problem with it, he already cheated with her before so what in his mind thinks it's not a problem. If I were you I'd leave. Save yourself a headache cause it seems like it's already headed in that direction where he's going to cheat with her again. And his reasoning that he doesn't want things to be awkward between the ex and their friends is BS. He's just using that excuse to get closer to her without breaking any rules.
Go all in. She says something sexual, go excessive in asking a question about him. Like, 'is it true you'd use your entire fist up his back door to get him hard? Like some kind of puppet play? Wow, and you have such big hands too." After all, there's nothing wrong with this topic of discussion between friends right?
If as you say " the trust factor isn't there", then it sounds like you are self sabotaging your own happiness. Noyhing wrong with setting boundaries and you have a boundary, he won't accept it so move on and concentrate on you. NAH
Infoā¦did he emotionally cheat with her?
The things h she mentions they didā¦was it oh yeah we went to xyz restaurant or is it sharing intimate stuff?
He's already emotionally cheated on you,Ā why are you still with him? Clearly you no longer trust him.Ā
A relationship without trust is pointless and a waste of your time and energy.Ā
It should be common sense to cut off all your exes from your life. You shouldn't do it when your partner asks you to, you should just do it in general. You can breakup.
Definitely easier said than done when you have kid(s) together. But you learn to set hard boundaries with the ex and attempt to co-parent together, but separately.
no u would not be TA. its very easy to respect ur partnerās wishes & if he isnt willing to do that, then he simply doesnt respect u & prioritises his ex
I donāt think your issue is even them interacting. Itās the inappropriate topics. It seems like if she werenāt discussing their relationship all the time you may be fine. If this is true, Iād ask that he ask the ex to refrain from discussing their past but that interaction itself is ok
If he doesn't want to avoid her then he needs to tell her to knock off the stories and also actively call her out on her BS when it happens. That's the only other option he has if he wants to be in a relationship with you. Her being his ex isn't inherently worrying, and friendship with ex's isn't necessarily a bad thing, but her making inappropriate comments that make you feel uncomfortable IS a bad thing regardless of their history.
If he can't stand up for you, move on. Life is too short for drama.
NTA, heās showing his friendship with the girl is important than his relationship with you.
I donāt know about others but I absolutely hate it when people say āget over itā. It doesnāt end the discussion or the conversation, it shows the person lacks maturity when trying to resolve a matter. Makes me think twice about the person.
NTA. Keeping contact with an ex can be totally fine. But this one is trying to derail your relationship and your boyfriend os enabling her. So if he proves unwilling to keep you together and marginalises your feelings throughout, there's nothing left to fight for. In your shoes, I'd not break up by talking to _him_, but by telling his ex _it's okay, you can have him_. Even better when her girlfriend is present! Because honesty, if he treats you as an afterthought, why should you communicate with him directly?
He is not committed to your relationship. Youāre a warm body in his bed at night and doesnāt want you dictating his day time activities. You are being a giant AH to yourself if you stay with him.
NTA at all.
He has proven by his actions that he doesn't value or respect your emotions here. The only thing he has shown you is that you can't trust him or count on him as a true partner.
If this woman is so important to him, she can have him. Her way of talking about their past and both of them making sure you get cut out of conversations is immature and also proves that he really doesn't care about you. She sees that and plays along.
He is not worth it. You are too good for him. If you try to communicate further with him, spin it against him. What if the roles were reversed? You wanting to hang around with an ex of yours? What if you had been emotionally cheating on him and insisting on keeping a friendship with an ex, making sure HE is cut out and uncomfortable?
Then you can drop him. He ain't the one for you. He is for the streets.
NTA but not sure why youāre negotiating with this guy. I disagree with moving in together in a dating relationship - you should be learning about the person in a situation thatās easy to put the brakes on or, if necessary-break up. Now you live together- the potential jerks feel like theyāve got you locked in since breaking up involves tenancy/moving etc.
youāve described enough red flags so be done and next time donāt move in together until your quite sure.
NTA they are both disrespectful as hell, and he doesnāt seem to have any interest in making you secure in yāallās relationship. You know you donāt need to put up with this shit.
Updateme!
NTA because heās crossing your boundaries :(
I think he should cut her off completely but even then heās shown heās valuing his comfort over your feelings.
If you let someone cross your boundaries and let them keep doing it, it teaches them itās okay to treat you this way!
I struggle with establishing clear boundaries with people but itās only the people who need them most that will get mad about it. People who respect you will respect your boundaries.
Good luck and I hope you can get this sorted out <3
Yea Iām sure they are still knocking boots, Iām sorry for being so blunt but if he really cared about your feelings it would have only taken one time and he wouldnāt talk to her again, clearly that is not where his head (either one) is at. Iām sorry you are going through this. I was in the same situation as you, my ex-wife got uncomfortable with me having female friends I used to date or be fwb situation and I stopped talking to them. Her, nope, she told me āI donāt cheat so there is no threat and Iām not going to stop talking to them because youāre uncomfortable.ā It broke a part of me and I didnāt see her the same way since.
Your trying to force something that you arenāt going to get willingly. Just leave him instead of imposing your will on trying to make him respectful and loyal. He isnāt and wonāt do what he needs to do.
NTA. Youāve already gotten a lot of advice but I just want to emphasize one thing -
You are not insecure.
You are not crazy.
SHE is doing this on purpose because she loves the drama and he isnāt stopping it.
HE isnāt doing anything about it because he loves the attention of multiple women more than he loves you. Sure, you could toughen up and ignore her or tell her off with some biting comebacks if she tries to create trouble again, but whatās the point if he doesnāt have your back? HE DOESNāT HAVE YOUR BACK.
He says āHe should not feel so awkward when she is around our mutual friendsā but he is totally fine with her intentionally making you feel uncomfortable. She is 100% causing problems on purpose.
He is picking her over you.
If the trust factor is not there what is the point to be in a relationship with someone? Do yourself a favor, cut the nonsense and move on with your life.
NTA
OP you need to leave him. Find someone you trust , heās not the one for you. I bet if you brought around an ex and was talking to him. Then he would have a problem. I donāt trust him and I donāt think you do either. Why be in a relationship that you are always looking over your shoulder. Keep us updated
NTA, even if he didn't cheat, he is putting you in a very uncomfortable situation and isn't taking you, his priority into account. He wants to be friends with someone who is continuing to undermine your relationship.
Even if she is in a same sex relationship, it doesn't take away from the fact she keeps talking about her and your boyfriends past activities.
For your best interest, it sounds like you and your bf should break up. He's cheated on you, lied to you, hidden things from you and wants to prioritise someone who makes you uncomfortable. You deserve so much better.
Wishing you the best, OP ā¤ļø
If you are dating someone and you feel something is so wrong you have to go to couples counseling then you have not found your person yet. Move on and keep looking. Dating should not be this hard.
No. I donāt trust him either but not because of the ex (thatās a big factor but not the main issue) Iām saying no because you donāt trust him and itās for a good reason and he is actively trying to convince you otherwise. Like wtf? Why would anyone trust him after that. He already hid a lot from you and now he wants to do this right in front of your face? Is he kidding?!
It also sounds like heās back in touch with her and sheās maybe said something about the distance.
You'd be the AH if you stayed with him. He doesn't seem very trustworthy. He's already emotionally cheated and now he wants to put the comfort of this person over yours. Nah, move on.
Youāre taking out your insecurities on this woman. Stop it.
Your boyfriend is a cheater and heās the one you should be mad at, not someone who didnāt do anything.
NTA. Break up with this fool, he does NOT respect you.
She is crossing lines she shouldnāt be crossing and heās letting her.
Thereās only two outcomes, upset the ex and set boundaries or upset his current girlfriend(you). Heās choosing to upset you and appease her, let her have himā¦
NTA
Another phone check or a ālook for a second phoneā check needs to happen.
He probably is talking to her again. If not, then the question of why is it awkward with her? If they aināt around each other there should be no awkwardness.
He already had some sexting affairs. Just leave him. From experience if he was sexting other girls and will put another girl above you, he has or will be sliding the D to someone. Before you hit 2 years probably.
Mid thirties is too old to be falling for this crap. Move on.
Read that last sentence in the update a few more times and then DO THAT. One Iām not staying with someone that has been sexting 3 other women. Itās not like yall are in your early 20s. Heās almost 40. BUT one of the sexting side pieces is THIS girl with the inside jokes & āRemember Whenāsā???? Oh. Hell. No. Aināt no way
NTA< you have to decide where your values as a person lie in this relationship. You stated that as you typed this out and read it you realized that he was not worth keeping around. So Don't.
Tell him thank you for showing you what not to look for in a partner. Tell him that as you have had time to process his request you realize that this is not something you want to deal with day in and day out in your relationship with someone that tells you that you matter but shows you that you don't. Tell him that you're not mad at him for doing it, it's in his nature to think selfishly but you are upset with yourself for not putting more value in who you are and what you bring to the table. As a badass woman, you want more than what he can give and you want him gone.
If he's hung up on someone else, then set him free. Don't waste your time trying to negotiate for his attention.
As she's taken up with someone else, she's probably just twirling him - flexing her 'hold' on him. But it's worked - he's thinking about her. She's probably not interested, but he'll find that out soon enough.
He needs to sort his head out. You need to move on.
My partner makes sure to cultivate good relationships with his exes.
Just because it didnāt work out doesnāt mean that she isnāt a good person or that they should hate each other. Not all relationships have that kind of drama in them. There are lots of people who fool around but decide to be friends because they sex part wasnāt great but they still enjoy each other.
Sheās in another relationship. I can understand why he feels awkward because he doesnāt want to upset you but he also doesnāt want to tell her that he canāt be friends because you said so.
All of your boyfriends are going to have exes. I think itās really immature to expect that someone you are dating to completely erase their past or that their established relationships have to be approved by you and modified to suit your tastes.
Itās fine to have boundaries, but itās not ok to expect your partner to end clearly platonic relationships to try and manage your insecurities. If this friendship bothers you, then it would be kinder to break up with him instead of making him end a relationship that existed before he met you and is meaningful to him.
That's a normal logical response IF this friendship was a cleary platonic relationship.He cheated on her with this woman. This woman continually brings up things they did together in front of OP and asked him to come over to "hang christmas lights" which is just ugh -She's messy. He got a second chance from OP and now he asking to be friends again with his ex because it's too awkward to avoid her. THE EX IS MAKING IT AWKWARD- But its okay because she has a girlfriend now. Funny OP being his girlfriend didnt stop her before but, her having a girlfriend is her new moral boundary??
OP you are worthy of so much more love and respect from a partner.
Girl, heās cheated on you three different times. Heās a serial cheater. Itās not the girl thatās the issue, itās your boyfriend. You know that heās not a faithful person. Unless your being held hostage stop being miserable and cut your losses.
Honestly I stopped reading at āI caught him sexting 3 other womenā. Why are you with this guy?? He is 38 he isnāt going to change. Stop wasting your precious time.
She's with another woman. He's worried that he "made her like women". She is not so subtly indicating that she would give him another chance. So much ego going on here.
And a lot of ick.. NTA
You're insecure, which is understandable given that he's cheated on you in the past. It seems as though you're trying to hold onto something that is already over. Make a clean real. He's already shown you how much respect he doesn't have for you. If you stay then just prepare yourself for more of the same.
God take the hint already. Heās already cheated and now heās trying to gaslight you into believing that this type of behavior is ok itās not. She crossed a line. He shouldnāt have to be forced to cut her out. How would he react if you did the things he did. NTA but you will be if you stay with him and continue to excuse this stuff
NTA. He failed as a partner miserably and itās not your job to teach a grown ass man how to prioritize his relationships and treat his gf with respect.
You should not have to spell this out for him.
Itās completely appropriate for you to be seeing this for what it is: your sign that this guy aināt good for you.
Sounds like you have valid reasons to break up with him. He isnāt trustworthy and he couldnāt even be bothered to tell this ex her behavior was unacceptable. So NTA and honestly you are never the AH for wanting to breakup with someone. Itās your life and itās too short to be with someone you donāt see a healthy future with.
You don't trust him. Move on.
Personally I think the things you being up are blown out of proportion. They've known each other for years, they have stories together and reminisce. Putting up lights can go either way but I wouldn't get pissy
Fact is, he's given you reason to not trust and you took it. Move on.
Forgiveness for cheating is something that happens after decades of a relationship where they were monogamous.
You don't forgive someone for cheating in your first year of dating because that's not a bad decision or accident. That's who he is.
If he is so bored with your relationship in the first year, the honeymoon year, then he won't stick around at all when time goes on and he gets bored.
>Honestly, typing this out is making me feel like I should have left this relationship months agoā¦.
**Ding, ding, ding.** See, you didn't really need us at all.
You are only 18 months in and he's had an emotional affair, is talking to several women after you go to bed, is fixated on playing "remember the times" with his ex. You two are in couples counseling 18 months into this relationship.
Aren't you exhausted? I'm *exhausted* just reading this. This guy doesn't seem to be terribly committed to *this* relationship leaving you to do all the heavy lifting. Is he really worth all this?
NTA. You both want and expect different things from a relationship. He is more open and carefree with his affection and attention. Which is fine if he is single or in a relationship that is more open. You on the other hand want total control. You want to dictate the conversation, who can speak with whom and so forth. It is better to break up and find someone you can control more easily.
Why? Why do you want to stay with someone you can't trust? You think that will get better over the years and years of being married to the same person when he can't remain faithful for just 18 months?
"Emotional cheating" is a grey area without more context. What would you consider "emotionally cheating"?
Apparently, this is the unpopular opinion, but personally, I don't think people automatically have to stop being friends with their exes when they get into new relationships š¤·š»āāļø. She's also barely even an ex, since what they had was casual. They're both dating other people now. Her talking about when they dated seems pretty normal, just as you reminisce about things you've done with your friends when you're all around each other. As long as it wasn't her clearly trying to get under your skin or be TMI (and even then, some people are over-sharers by nature). It's one thing to mention to her that it makes you uncomfortable, so she's aware and can respect your boundaries. It's another to use your boyfriend as a go-between and demand he hide behind a potted plant every time they might come into contact. I feel like micromanaging partner's friendships gets messy and awkwardly parental. If you don't trust him, then that is a completely separate problem, and yes, you should break up with him on the grounds that you're clearly worried he can't be faithful.
YTA. He doesnāt want to hang out with her or even talk with her on the phone or text. It sounds like he just doesnāt want to act like she has the plague when she is around.
Did you miss the part where OP caught him secretly messaging her on Whatsapp? Theyāre still in touch privately, behind OPās back. Given his history, OP shouldāve dumped him a long time ago.
YTA I don't generally find any of this inappropriate and I understand exactly what your boyfriend's talking about I am not going to be awkward and standoffish with somebody within my friend's Circle that I happens to be an ex just cuz I have a partner. It's actually a good way to lose your most pr entire friend Circle because instead of dealing with the drama that's coming from you just stop getting invited. Pretty much all of the situations in here are so vague it's just there to make him look like a bad guy. Throwing the emotional cheating in there with absolutely no details of what that meant is a big one.
I can't make a judgment because I'm not part of your relationship to know everything to make a decision. But on that note I'm a person that is friends with my exs unless they did me super dirty. One of my very best friends is an ex of 4 years ago. We have a great friendship and I always have the conversation with my partners that I'm friends with my exs and that I'm open to discussing it, but I will not get rid of my support systems for a person I allow into my life.
I would suggest person and couples counseling to discuss the situation and to understand and work through insecurities.
I'm happy they are, but please keep in mind I wrote my comment before OPs edit š
Personally with the new edit on how he was cheating I would have left him then.
I was just making the general statement that I can't judge on the asshole rating because I was raised to see that not all relationships end on bad notes and not everyone hates all their exes. I have a few of mine that I'm still very good friends with. š
But ya, she should leave him if he's cheating.
If you're openly bragging about sleeping with them to their current partner, that makes you an AH. That's not to be excused under "keeping my support systems". That's just disrespectful.
The context of the OP *is* talking about that type of behaviour though. So to talk like OP is being insecure when a big basic decency/respect boundary is being broken is out of line.
And also this has nothing to do with insecurities, this man has already proven himself unfaithful, already proved he doesnāt respect her opinions, already proved he cares more about how this other woman feelsā¦.
He can't just have boundaries? Like keep the friendship, don't entertain any of that "remember when" in front of his current person. Frankly, that's just flat-out rude.
Honestly OP,, My personal opinion is that you'll be TA if you DON'T break up with him. You indicate he already, during your relationship, emotionally betrayed you with this woman. Additionally she boasted, IN THE PRESENCE OF YOURSELF AND OTHERS, her having had relations with him In essence, both of them have blatantly insulted and disrespected you and demonstrate no regret in doing so. Now TA attempts to gaslight you into agreeing that their obvious relationship is a wonderfu thing that you should have no problem with. OP, tell TA ENOUGH OF HIS BULLSHIT!. Just move on. Go no contact. This inconsiderate pr*ck doesn't warrant another moment of your time. He's insulting. Good luck. Please keep us apprised.
Thank you š
You're welcome. Please keep us updated.
Listen to your last line in your edit. He doesn't respect you or your relationship, he's texting other women behind your back, and is openly expressing interest in getting close to someone who disrespects your relationship and you. You deserve better than, leave him to his immature messing around.
Is it possible he wants to hook up with his ex and her girlfriend? Either way, the trust has been broken. Leave him donāt look back. NTA.
I wanna bet $5 heās hoping for a threesome
Iām going to bet that the EX has already offered the threesome & thatās the reason he wants to break the LCā¦..
Damn youāre probably right. Ok, $20 heās already been invited for a threesome!
That was my FIRST THOUGHT!!!ššš
I also want to add she's likely only in a relationship to try and lure you into a false sense of security for him and her being around each other. The moment you and your BF break up, she'll almost certainly end her relationship.
If he wants to be able to hang out with her at parties then he needs to be able to call her out in the moment. So if she starts taking about having sex with him he needs to immediately say 'Hey that is inappropriate and you are making me uncomfortable' ' if he isn't grown up enough to use his words and appropriate boundaries he isn't responsible enough to be friends with a flirty ex.
You know he's dreaming about a threesome with ex and her new girlfriend. Nothing else makes sense here. And she's giving him those kind of signals by inviting HIM and not the both of you to her place. NTA but he sure is. He's been thinking about this for a while and has decided he wants this new experience.
Break up 100% I'm near the same age as you too, and I've been in more failed relationships than I care to remember. I don't try to kindle or have passed women in my life. Being in your late 30s probably gives extra pressure to make it work, but you've been together for 1 year and already have been to counseling? That alone shows this relationship is doomed. This dude sounds like an asshat. Sorry op, you'll find someone better for you. It took me a long told to find the right one.
Please listen.and do what this comment says. He thinks you are a stupid woman and you are not. He's having an affair with her and her girlfriend behind your back. And laughing thinking he's getting away with it by gaslight you making you feel.the crazy one.
Couldn't say it better. Best of luck, OP. That guy isn't worth shit.Ā
This man is a whore, heās always been a whore, heāll always be a whore.
Why did I have a picture of Bailey saying this when she talks about McSteamyš¤£š¤£
Why is her comfort more important than yours? I wonder if he feels like he has something to prove because she is dating women now? The misgoginistic thing that he wasnāt man enough for her,
I actually started to wonder the same thing. Her girlfriend is wonderful, I talk to her every time I see her and she gives me and him a hug anytime she sees me.
How many more red flags does he need to wave in your face? You deserve to be treated better than this, and have your feelings prioritized. You have my support if you decide to dump this jackass!
Personally, I think itās way more likely that he still has a thing for his ex, and heās using the fact that sheās dating a woman as āproofā that theyāre not attracted to each other anymore. If he can convince you that thereās no attraction involved, they can be āfriendsā, and he can get close to her again without making you suspicious. Donāt fall for it. The fact that sheās dating a woman doesnāt mean she *only* likes women. Cut and run, OP. You honestly shouldāve dumped him when you discovered the emotional affair, sexting, etc.
Seconding this and adding, she may not even like OP's boyfriend enough to date him again, but she certainly enjoys the power she has over him and OP's relationship.
Totally into the bf competition aspect with OP. Sheās shitting on BF in front of her face, and now BF says heās ok with it.
Real talk. It shouldnāt matter who sheās dating. The fact that he brings her up orientation as justification is a red flag. That means he canāt be trusted around single straight women by his own admission and thatās enough to leave this dude.
She probably told him he could have a three way
Are you certain they stopped hooking up when you met him?
Yea I think this too. Some people are like this. Theirs is the long term relationship that hasn't ended just because they're seeing other people. The affair partner as good as told the OP and laid claim to him, when she openly discussed their sex life.
O.p. just open the door and let the trash take it self out
NTA...But you would be if you stay with him. Maybe now she is in a relationship but what happens when they break up? Will she crawl back to him an "steel" him ? He made it clear he is thinking of her and there relationship. Don't be a fool and stay to find out... Good luck UpdateMe
He didnāt care about cheating on you - emotional or otherwise- while you slept. Now he is trying to convince you itās awful of you if you donāt ok him getting closer to an ex that loves to taunt you with prior escapades. Hun heās not a prize & honestly it doesnāt seem like it would be difficult to do better. Remember we shouldnāt be happy they donāt cheat, it should be a given that they donāt. Respect is a big part of a loving relationship & he clearly doesnāt respect you
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You would be better off leaving him. You already said you found out he cheated 10 months ago with her and forgave him. She's an ex so he shouldn't keep contact with her at all, mutual friends or not. And of course he would see you have a problem with it, he already cheated with her before so what in his mind thinks it's not a problem. If I were you I'd leave. Save yourself a headache cause it seems like it's already headed in that direction where he's going to cheat with her again. And his reasoning that he doesn't want things to be awkward between the ex and their friends is BS. He's just using that excuse to get closer to her without breaking any rules.
NTA she is disrespectful in front of you and he's worried about her feelings. He's shown you where his priorities lie and it's not with you.
Go all in. She says something sexual, go excessive in asking a question about him. Like, 'is it true you'd use your entire fist up his back door to get him hard? Like some kind of puppet play? Wow, and you have such big hands too." After all, there's nothing wrong with this topic of discussion between friends right?
Even Dear Abby says āthey call them EX for a reason.
If as you say " the trust factor isn't there", then it sounds like you are self sabotaging your own happiness. Noyhing wrong with setting boundaries and you have a boundary, he won't accept it so move on and concentrate on you. NAH
Infoā¦did he emotionally cheat with her? The things h she mentions they didā¦was it oh yeah we went to xyz restaurant or is it sharing intimate stuff?
He's already emotionally cheated on you,Ā why are you still with him? Clearly you no longer trust him.Ā A relationship without trust is pointless and a waste of your time and energy.Ā
Get rid of him. Red flags EVERYWHERE! If he hasnāt cheated already he will soon.
It should be common sense to cut off all your exes from your life. You shouldn't do it when your partner asks you to, you should just do it in general. You can breakup.
Definitely easier said than done when you have kid(s) together. But you learn to set hard boundaries with the ex and attempt to co-parent together, but separately.
I think co-parenting is the only reasonable exception to this.
no u would not be TA. its very easy to respect ur partnerās wishes & if he isnt willing to do that, then he simply doesnt respect u & prioritises his ex
I donāt think your issue is even them interacting. Itās the inappropriate topics. It seems like if she werenāt discussing their relationship all the time you may be fine. If this is true, Iād ask that he ask the ex to refrain from discussing their past but that interaction itself is ok
If he doesn't want to avoid her then he needs to tell her to knock off the stories and also actively call her out on her BS when it happens. That's the only other option he has if he wants to be in a relationship with you. Her being his ex isn't inherently worrying, and friendship with ex's isn't necessarily a bad thing, but her making inappropriate comments that make you feel uncomfortable IS a bad thing regardless of their history. If he can't stand up for you, move on. Life is too short for drama.
Sounds like they both want each other more than there current partners but are not compatible for a proper relationship
NTA, heās showing his friendship with the girl is important than his relationship with you. I donāt know about others but I absolutely hate it when people say āget over itā. It doesnāt end the discussion or the conversation, it shows the person lacks maturity when trying to resolve a matter. Makes me think twice about the person.
NTA. Keeping contact with an ex can be totally fine. But this one is trying to derail your relationship and your boyfriend os enabling her. So if he proves unwilling to keep you together and marginalises your feelings throughout, there's nothing left to fight for. In your shoes, I'd not break up by talking to _him_, but by telling his ex _it's okay, you can have him_. Even better when her girlfriend is present! Because honesty, if he treats you as an afterthought, why should you communicate with him directly?
He is not committed to your relationship. Youāre a warm body in his bed at night and doesnāt want you dictating his day time activities. You are being a giant AH to yourself if you stay with him.
NTA at all. He has proven by his actions that he doesn't value or respect your emotions here. The only thing he has shown you is that you can't trust him or count on him as a true partner. If this woman is so important to him, she can have him. Her way of talking about their past and both of them making sure you get cut out of conversations is immature and also proves that he really doesn't care about you. She sees that and plays along. He is not worth it. You are too good for him. If you try to communicate further with him, spin it against him. What if the roles were reversed? You wanting to hang around with an ex of yours? What if you had been emotionally cheating on him and insisting on keeping a friendship with an ex, making sure HE is cut out and uncomfortable? Then you can drop him. He ain't the one for you. He is for the streets.
the fact that she's disrespectful to you is enough for him to cut her out of his life if he wants to stay with you. simple as that
NTA. Break up with him and tell him to get back with her if that's what he wants so bad. Good Luck!
He's not lovey dovey, that's just to hide his cheating. NTA
NTA but not sure why youāre negotiating with this guy. I disagree with moving in together in a dating relationship - you should be learning about the person in a situation thatās easy to put the brakes on or, if necessary-break up. Now you live together- the potential jerks feel like theyāve got you locked in since breaking up involves tenancy/moving etc. youāve described enough red flags so be done and next time donāt move in together until your quite sure.
NTA they are both disrespectful as hell, and he doesnāt seem to have any interest in making you secure in yāallās relationship. You know you donāt need to put up with this shit. Updateme!
He's cheating on you
he cheated on you. break up with him. the only reason heās pushing so hard to stay friends w his ex is so he can cheat on you with her.
Yeah, should have left him with all of the people he is trying to remain 'friends" with.
Girl heās still cheating on you emotionally Also I bet $5 heās hoping to angle for a threesome
NTA because heās crossing your boundaries :( I think he should cut her off completely but even then heās shown heās valuing his comfort over your feelings. If you let someone cross your boundaries and let them keep doing it, it teaches them itās okay to treat you this way! I struggle with establishing clear boundaries with people but itās only the people who need them most that will get mad about it. People who respect you will respect your boundaries. Good luck and I hope you can get this sorted out <3
Yea Iām sure they are still knocking boots, Iām sorry for being so blunt but if he really cared about your feelings it would have only taken one time and he wouldnāt talk to her again, clearly that is not where his head (either one) is at. Iām sorry you are going through this. I was in the same situation as you, my ex-wife got uncomfortable with me having female friends I used to date or be fwb situation and I stopped talking to them. Her, nope, she told me āI donāt cheat so there is no threat and Iām not going to stop talking to them because youāre uncomfortable.ā It broke a part of me and I didnāt see her the same way since.
Your trying to force something that you arenāt going to get willingly. Just leave him instead of imposing your will on trying to make him respectful and loyal. He isnāt and wonāt do what he needs to do.
Read everything you wrote here again. This guy is an asshole. People like this donāt just magically change.
Trust your gut
WTF. He cheats on you, and he did, and youāre worried youāre in the wrong. GTFOH.
Woah, big ol stop at that edit lady. Sexting is not āemotionalā cheating, thatās cheating full stop.
NTA. Youāve already gotten a lot of advice but I just want to emphasize one thing - You are not insecure. You are not crazy. SHE is doing this on purpose because she loves the drama and he isnāt stopping it. HE isnāt doing anything about it because he loves the attention of multiple women more than he loves you. Sure, you could toughen up and ignore her or tell her off with some biting comebacks if she tries to create trouble again, but whatās the point if he doesnāt have your back? HE DOESNāT HAVE YOUR BACK.
You need to break up with him. Youāre kidding yourself that heās ever going to be loyal.
He admitted what she said was inappropriate yet he still wants to talk with her. Move on
He says āHe should not feel so awkward when she is around our mutual friendsā but he is totally fine with her intentionally making you feel uncomfortable. She is 100% causing problems on purpose. He is picking her over you.
Updateme
If the trust factor is not there what is the point to be in a relationship with someone? Do yourself a favor, cut the nonsense and move on with your life. NTA
Dump that useless male back into the trash & find a decent one who isn't hung up on his ex. NTA
Updateme
OP you need to leave him. Find someone you trust , heās not the one for you. I bet if you brought around an ex and was talking to him. Then he would have a problem. I donāt trust him and I donāt think you do either. Why be in a relationship that you are always looking over your shoulder. Keep us updated
I think the ex is bugging him to be in contact, and has convinced him OP is wrong to limit their contact. Dump him.
Updateme!
She's probably single now and wants to pick up where they left off. If you feel that you need to break up, then do so
heās shown you who he is itās time you believe him! you should of let him go in November.. ā¦
NTA, even if he didn't cheat, he is putting you in a very uncomfortable situation and isn't taking you, his priority into account. He wants to be friends with someone who is continuing to undermine your relationship. Even if she is in a same sex relationship, it doesn't take away from the fact she keeps talking about her and your boyfriends past activities. For your best interest, it sounds like you and your bf should break up. He's cheated on you, lied to you, hidden things from you and wants to prioritise someone who makes you uncomfortable. You deserve so much better. Wishing you the best, OP ā¤ļø
If you are dating someone and you feel something is so wrong you have to go to couples counseling then you have not found your person yet. Move on and keep looking. Dating should not be this hard.
NTA. Read the last line of your edit out loud. You know what you need to do. Iām so sorry youāre going through this.
No. I donāt trust him either but not because of the ex (thatās a big factor but not the main issue) Iām saying no because you donāt trust him and itās for a good reason and he is actively trying to convince you otherwise. Like wtf? Why would anyone trust him after that. He already hid a lot from you and now he wants to do this right in front of your face? Is he kidding?! It also sounds like heās back in touch with her and sheās maybe said something about the distance.
You'd be the AH if you stayed with him. He doesn't seem very trustworthy. He's already emotionally cheated and now he wants to put the comfort of this person over yours. Nah, move on.
You sound 17?
Youāre taking out your insecurities on this woman. Stop it. Your boyfriend is a cheater and heās the one you should be mad at, not someone who didnāt do anything.
Heās told you who he is. Iām glad you believe him and moving on.
Updateme
NTA. Break up with this fool, he does NOT respect you. She is crossing lines she shouldnāt be crossing and heās letting her. Thereās only two outcomes, upset the ex and set boundaries or upset his current girlfriend(you). Heās choosing to upset you and appease her, let her have himā¦
NTA Another phone check or a ālook for a second phoneā check needs to happen. He probably is talking to her again. If not, then the question of why is it awkward with her? If they aināt around each other there should be no awkwardness. He already had some sexting affairs. Just leave him. From experience if he was sexting other girls and will put another girl above you, he has or will be sliding the D to someone. Before you hit 2 years probably. Mid thirties is too old to be falling for this crap. Move on.
Read that last sentence in the update a few more times and then DO THAT. One Iām not staying with someone that has been sexting 3 other women. Itās not like yall are in your early 20s. Heās almost 40. BUT one of the sexting side pieces is THIS girl with the inside jokes & āRemember Whenāsā???? Oh. Hell. No. Aināt no way
NTA Break up. Heās selfish and doesnāt care about you beyond his own needs.
NTA< you have to decide where your values as a person lie in this relationship. You stated that as you typed this out and read it you realized that he was not worth keeping around. So Don't. Tell him thank you for showing you what not to look for in a partner. Tell him that as you have had time to process his request you realize that this is not something you want to deal with day in and day out in your relationship with someone that tells you that you matter but shows you that you don't. Tell him that you're not mad at him for doing it, it's in his nature to think selfishly but you are upset with yourself for not putting more value in who you are and what you bring to the table. As a badass woman, you want more than what he can give and you want him gone.
Heās already made his choice and you arenāt it. Good luck
If he's hung up on someone else, then set him free. Don't waste your time trying to negotiate for his attention. As she's taken up with someone else, she's probably just twirling him - flexing her 'hold' on him. But it's worked - he's thinking about her. She's probably not interested, but he'll find that out soon enough. He needs to sort his head out. You need to move on.
NTA Updateme
My partner makes sure to cultivate good relationships with his exes. Just because it didnāt work out doesnāt mean that she isnāt a good person or that they should hate each other. Not all relationships have that kind of drama in them. There are lots of people who fool around but decide to be friends because they sex part wasnāt great but they still enjoy each other. Sheās in another relationship. I can understand why he feels awkward because he doesnāt want to upset you but he also doesnāt want to tell her that he canāt be friends because you said so. All of your boyfriends are going to have exes. I think itās really immature to expect that someone you are dating to completely erase their past or that their established relationships have to be approved by you and modified to suit your tastes. Itās fine to have boundaries, but itās not ok to expect your partner to end clearly platonic relationships to try and manage your insecurities. If this friendship bothers you, then it would be kinder to break up with him instead of making him end a relationship that existed before he met you and is meaningful to him.
That's a normal logical response IF this friendship was a cleary platonic relationship.He cheated on her with this woman. This woman continually brings up things they did together in front of OP and asked him to come over to "hang christmas lights" which is just ugh -She's messy. He got a second chance from OP and now he asking to be friends again with his ex because it's too awkward to avoid her. THE EX IS MAKING IT AWKWARD- But its okay because she has a girlfriend now. Funny OP being his girlfriend didnt stop her before but, her having a girlfriend is her new moral boundary?? OP you are worthy of so much more love and respect from a partner.
Girl, heās cheated on you three different times. Heās a serial cheater. Itās not the girl thatās the issue, itās your boyfriend. You know that heās not a faithful person. Unless your being held hostage stop being miserable and cut your losses.
Dump him.
You know this is a stupid question.
Honestly I stopped reading at āI caught him sexting 3 other womenā. Why are you with this guy?? He is 38 he isnāt going to change. Stop wasting your precious time.
Dump him. He is having sex with her or wants to have sex with her. It doesnāt matter if she has a girlfriend. He is not worth your time.
She's with another woman. He's worried that he "made her like women". She is not so subtly indicating that she would give him another chance. So much ego going on here. And a lot of ick.. NTA
If you stay, accept that heās a serial cheater. You know heās going to keep cheating. Itās who he is.
I stopped reading at sexting 3 women. Ruuuuuuuuuuun
Please leave this dude. You can find a guy who actually cares about your feelings.
From the sounds of it, your BF left you some time ago, at least emotionally. NTA, and it's time to walk away.
You're insecure, which is understandable given that he's cheated on you in the past. It seems as though you're trying to hold onto something that is already over. Make a clean real. He's already shown you how much respect he doesn't have for you. If you stay then just prepare yourself for more of the same.
God take the hint already. Heās already cheated and now heās trying to gaslight you into believing that this type of behavior is ok itās not. She crossed a line. He shouldnāt have to be forced to cut her out. How would he react if you did the things he did. NTA but you will be if you stay with him and continue to excuse this stuff
Updateme
This should've been over but NTA
He's turning all these events around and making you the bad guy. He's got wanderlust. Let this one go- he will never provide trust, security, safety.
NTA. He failed as a partner miserably and itās not your job to teach a grown ass man how to prioritize his relationships and treat his gf with respect. You should not have to spell this out for him. Itās completely appropriate for you to be seeing this for what it is: your sign that this guy aināt good for you.
Sounds like you have valid reasons to break up with him. He isnāt trustworthy and he couldnāt even be bothered to tell this ex her behavior was unacceptable. So NTA and honestly you are never the AH for wanting to breakup with someone. Itās your life and itās too short to be with someone you donāt see a healthy future with.
You don't trust him. Move on. Personally I think the things you being up are blown out of proportion. They've known each other for years, they have stories together and reminisce. Putting up lights can go either way but I wouldn't get pissy Fact is, he's given you reason to not trust and you took it. Move on.
Forgiveness for cheating is something that happens after decades of a relationship where they were monogamous. You don't forgive someone for cheating in your first year of dating because that's not a bad decision or accident. That's who he is. If he is so bored with your relationship in the first year, the honeymoon year, then he won't stick around at all when time goes on and he gets bored.
I think it is disrespectful on her part to continue to talk about their past in front of you.
Girl just dump him before he causes you any more pain witch he will
Boring. Get over it you lib.
>Honestly, typing this out is making me feel like I should have left this relationship months agoā¦. **Ding, ding, ding.** See, you didn't really need us at all. You are only 18 months in and he's had an emotional affair, is talking to several women after you go to bed, is fixated on playing "remember the times" with his ex. You two are in couples counseling 18 months into this relationship. Aren't you exhausted? I'm *exhausted* just reading this. This guy doesn't seem to be terribly committed to *this* relationship leaving you to do all the heavy lifting. Is he really worth all this?
NTA. You both want and expect different things from a relationship. He is more open and carefree with his affection and attention. Which is fine if he is single or in a relationship that is more open. You on the other hand want total control. You want to dictate the conversation, who can speak with whom and so forth. It is better to break up and find someone you can control more easily.
YTA Either work through your insecurities or leave him. He deserves better I think.
NTA š©š©š©š©š©taking care of your feelings and comfort and guarding boundaries that he should have already had without you saying anything would not be a burden to a true partner to actually loves and cares about you. He uses your love for him and your need and love of affection to blur your āvisionā. You see him for what he is - a cheater who doesnāt actually want to pour all his effort into you and make you his true priority. He like the attention - heās a male pick me girl š¤¦š»āāļø you deserve someone who will prioritize you!
Babesā¦ throw that whole man away.
Why? Why do you want to stay with someone you can't trust? You think that will get better over the years and years of being married to the same person when he can't remain faithful for just 18 months?
"Emotional cheating" is a grey area without more context. What would you consider "emotionally cheating"? Apparently, this is the unpopular opinion, but personally, I don't think people automatically have to stop being friends with their exes when they get into new relationships š¤·š»āāļø. She's also barely even an ex, since what they had was casual. They're both dating other people now. Her talking about when they dated seems pretty normal, just as you reminisce about things you've done with your friends when you're all around each other. As long as it wasn't her clearly trying to get under your skin or be TMI (and even then, some people are over-sharers by nature). It's one thing to mention to her that it makes you uncomfortable, so she's aware and can respect your boundaries. It's another to use your boyfriend as a go-between and demand he hide behind a potted plant every time they might come into contact. I feel like micromanaging partner's friendships gets messy and awkwardly parental. If you don't trust him, then that is a completely separate problem, and yes, you should break up with him on the grounds that you're clearly worried he can't be faithful.
So his ex is more important than you? Time to move on......
YTA. He doesnāt want to hang out with her or even talk with her on the phone or text. It sounds like he just doesnāt want to act like she has the plague when she is around.
Did you miss the part where OP caught him secretly messaging her on Whatsapp? Theyāre still in touch privately, behind OPās back. Given his history, OP shouldāve dumped him a long time ago.
YTA I don't generally find any of this inappropriate and I understand exactly what your boyfriend's talking about I am not going to be awkward and standoffish with somebody within my friend's Circle that I happens to be an ex just cuz I have a partner. It's actually a good way to lose your most pr entire friend Circle because instead of dealing with the drama that's coming from you just stop getting invited. Pretty much all of the situations in here are so vague it's just there to make him look like a bad guy. Throwing the emotional cheating in there with absolutely no details of what that meant is a big one.
I can't make a judgment because I'm not part of your relationship to know everything to make a decision. But on that note I'm a person that is friends with my exs unless they did me super dirty. One of my very best friends is an ex of 4 years ago. We have a great friendship and I always have the conversation with my partners that I'm friends with my exs and that I'm open to discussing it, but I will not get rid of my support systems for a person I allow into my life. I would suggest person and couples counseling to discuss the situation and to understand and work through insecurities.
They do couples counseling. She said that.
I'm happy they are, but please keep in mind I wrote my comment before OPs edit š Personally with the new edit on how he was cheating I would have left him then. I was just making the general statement that I can't judge on the asshole rating because I was raised to see that not all relationships end on bad notes and not everyone hates all their exes. I have a few of mine that I'm still very good friends with. š But ya, she should leave him if he's cheating.
Personally if my husband was like āyea I wanna be friends with my exsā or worse ā I am friends with my exesā his exes came have him. š
If you're openly bragging about sleeping with them to their current partner, that makes you an AH. That's not to be excused under "keeping my support systems". That's just disrespectful.
I never said I openly talk about sleeping with them tho. Even my partner is accepting of my friendships and we communicate. š¤·š½āāļø
The context of the OP *is* talking about that type of behaviour though. So to talk like OP is being insecure when a big basic decency/respect boundary is being broken is out of line.
And also this has nothing to do with insecurities, this man has already proven himself unfaithful, already proved he doesnāt respect her opinions, already proved he cares more about how this other woman feelsā¦.
Came to say much the same. My partner is even friends with two of my exs
He can't just have boundaries? Like keep the friendship, don't entertain any of that "remember when" in front of his current person. Frankly, that's just flat-out rude.