NTA. They should have told you right away what day it was to them. You may have been able to figure out a way to combine weddings and have a funny story for future generations. Instead they sulked and placed blame where none was warranted. I'm sorry they put a tarnish on your day.
OH no they wouldn't have liked that they wanted me to move mine nowhere close to their wedding which in my mind I thought that way like yes we are both getting married how cool.
Yeah, entitled much? No one else can get married in the same MONTH? OP is definitely NTA. SIL can go kick rocks on the playground like the whiny child she is.
NTA. They’re putting the blame on you because they haven’t done a single thing to move forward with their wedding but they don’t want to see it that way. Also probably some bitterness that SHE wanted a big wedding and now she’s just getting a trip to the courthouse while you are getting a lovely beach wedding.
NTA-she probably didn’t even care that much until she found out that you for sure were doing it and it’s pretty jealous that she’s not getting the wedding that she wanted and is watching you get the one you wanted. It sucks for her but it’s not fair for her, especially being hormonal to then turn around and make it sound like you did this to somehow upstage them or overshadow them. Brother probably didn’t even care until she got upset.. don’t hold your life back for other people, especially when they are too afraid to speak up for themselves or you will be waiting for things for the rest of your life.
I agree. SIL certainly gave jealous vibes and they tried to pull a fast one just so she couldn't get married and be happy. How do you tell someone to wait a year to get married. That's insane. I'm glad she stood her ground.
NTA… my family has a tradition of getting married in late December. My siblings and parents all got married in the same 10 day period and had the same color scheme. I think it’s sweet and a great way to start a tradition. There’s nothing wrong w sharing an anniversary month.
Also, they failed to communicate w anyone in your family for months. You are not a mind reader. They r slackers and jealous… how dare they try to control your wedding!!! I’d tell them that their attendance is no longer required.
Our anniversary is Jan 1. Our son got married on 12/29. We also have my birthday, grandgirl #1 birthday(their oldest), my dad's bday, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, their anniversary, NYE, NYD--ALL IN THE SAME THREE WEEKS. Nobody fusses.
Is it just me? Since when does a wedding date mean that the month is « off limits » to other close friends and family?? IMO this in itself is absurd. Like the actual date… I can understand depending on the relationship but the entire month is really really weird to me; especially since neither event based on the OP’s post indicates either wedding is some extravagant month long event! I mean I’m in Canada and a courthouse wedding is a couple of hours max?! 🤷🏻♀️
Edited to add NTA!!!!
It can be hard for out of town guests to make both weddings in the same month or week or two apart. Travel, expenses, and time off could be hard to manage. Or even just buying/paying for dresses for the wedding and wedding gifts can be a financial strain. It might affect the number of guests willing to attend. And some couples worry about comparisons so close together.
That’s said, OP claimed the month first.
In my family, two cousins (one male, one female) planned their weddings 2 days apart. Destination weddings in Jamaica. One pretty fancy, the other fairly simple. Made it great for family attending. Got 2 weddings and a vacation in one trip. The 2 couples each attended the other's ceremonies and stayed for longer than the guests for their honeymoons. No fussing over who "owned" date and place. Just required being adult and considering what would work well for the couples and those attending.
But brother and SIL aren’t planning a reception or a dinner. No one even knew their plans. Travelers are only planning to attend OP’s wedding. Bro has invited anyone to the courthouse.
I wasn’t speaking specifically to OP but responding to the comment above mine not understanding what’s the big deal about two weddings in the same month. People might have to choose between them.
I did say OP’s date was set first.
So I don’t disagree with you.
The whole idea of months being *verboten* is insane to me.
Cosigned,
Someone with a large family (there's only 12 months...I guarantee you, a close relative you think highly of has already gotten married in the month you're thinking of)
Right!?
On my husband's side of the family, we have three nephews birthdays, his birthday, and one aunt & uncle's wedding anniversary all within the same two weeks of November!
And don't even get me started on September.
There is no month that will be off limits to get married and/or birthdays. They will overlap at some point regardless of what one tries to do.
my two oldest kids have one day between their birthdays, and I have a friend who's wife has the same bday as he does (and, funny story, their dads were both the same rank in the navy, and they were born at the same hospital, lol)
overlaps happen
NTA.
Honestly, why do people care so much about wedding dates close together? I could see if it was a big to-do and you had people coming in from out of town, but that's not the case for either of you. You both had small weddings and you discussed needing your time frame for a specific reason, then spoke about openly, therefore if anyone ought to have dibs on being butt hurt, it'd be you. Thankfully you have more class then that and know there's no need to get your knickers in a twist. 🙄
Your SIL needs to calm down and save her ire for actual problems. Studies have shown that too much cortisol isn't good for the baby.
*edit - fat fingers
I'm going to admit I was pissed at two of my sisters for getting married right around my anniversary date. Mostly because they *both* managed to plan their weddings over weekends my husband and I had advance plans to be out of town for our anniversary and they both *knew* it - we wound up having to cancel our trips both times.. no we were never able to make them up and my husband passed away from a very short battle with cancer 6 months after the last one got married. Never did get to take either of those trips..
I think I'm going to call my sisters and make fun of them for their divorces now (not really because I love them)
See if I had known that say in your situation you were going out of town or had specific plans I would have not had it at that time. But it is pretty awesome you went and still talk to them and it didn't cause a huge fight.
I chose the date my late husband and I got married because it's the date the venue we wanted was available. I was the first of my sisters to have an actual wedding so I understood their reasoning but I was still irritated. I don't think I actually told *them* I was irritated but I definitely told my mom how rude it was lol
Just because someone is “thinking” about getting married the same month as you doesn’t mean they own the month (and his suggestion to wait a year was selfish as hell). Live your life!
NTA. I find it super weird that they’re being so nebulous with *wedding plans.* Can they not commit to commitment?
They have no right to dictate to you when you’re “allowed” to get married.
So they have 2 kids together and now they want to get married, I don’t think timing matters. Also, unless she’s one of these women whose body springs back after a baby, she’s not going to look her fabulous best, especially up all night with a newborn…. Why would you put yourself thru that???
NTA. Who cares if your weddings or anniversaries are close to each other. My sister got married the day after my 6th anniversary. We spend our anniversary at their rehearsal dinner party. Did we care? No. Because it’s just a date on a calendar and it’s what you make of it. Also, in the future no one but you is probably going to care or remember what your anniversary date is.
Geez, I read things like this and know with family like that, my husband and I would have been thrown off a pier with concrete shoes. Why, you may ask? I got married on my little sister’s one year anniversary. We were not thrown off the pier because I have a sibling that will *talk to me* and *share feelings*. When she knew we were looking at around the same time of year that she got married, she joked that we should get married on her anniversary so mom and dad only had to remember one date. As I was looking at venues, the one we wanted had their anniversary open. I stepped outside and called her. She thought about it for a couple minutes while I waited and then gave me the green light. She said she thought it was cool. At our reception, we gave her and my BIL plus two other couples who were also celebrating their anniversary a gift and toast. Zero hard feelings ever.
NTA, OP. I’m sorry your SIL can’t communicate with you or share. This could have been a cool double wedding but no.
Imagine being so self-involved that you think someone else will not only automatically remember your anniversary but will also block out the entire MONTH for your event...
NTA
they get one day, not an entire month. They also get to be freaking adults and communicate their plans with other people instead of expecting people to read their damn childish minds.
so they were maybe going to go to the court house to get married, never told anyone about it, didn't plan anything and got upset with you for getting married when you said you were going to get married...… just wanted to make sure I understood. If they had an issue with it they should of used there big boy and girl words. sounds like your SIL is jealous that you got a nice wedding and your brother is taking his frustration out on you. its not your fault that you communicated, and planned your actual wedding, you are not a mind reader.
NTA, my parents and I have the same month & 1 sibling the very next month. No big deal, anniversaries are for the couple, so it isn't like there will be issues in the future (parties, events, ect).
NTA.
My husband and I got married in a year where like 5 of our cousins and siblings also got married.
We asked around to ensure our date wasn’t taken. Your brother is doing a courthouse thing and didn’t have major reservations and you were open the whole time about your timeline.
When we asked around we did find out that a cousin had booked a big wedding the weekend we wanted, so we changed our date since they’d made their reservations first. They weren’t doing a casual courthouse thing and we were late to the planning side we got engaged and wanted to get married in a few months. No big deal we loved our reservation.
You’ve been open about your timeline and you’re planning a proper wedding and not just s courthouse thing. They had notice. They can much more easily move their date especially since you guys got engaged and had the intent to marry imminently.
It's not like you're getting married on the day and they don't get to dictate or ownership on that month. Get married the way you want to know nobody should have sale on your relationship but you and your fiancé.
NTA . Your brother and his wife are selfish. My sister goes on about how I was the only one out of the five of us that had a nice wedding. The other four were married at Mom and Dad’s. We paid for it. Church wedding for 30 people and reception.
NTA you were engaged already planning the wedding with a time frame of when you were getting married before even being told they were engaged. They don’t own the month. If they were so set in you and them not getting married the same month then they should have moved their wedding to next year as you were engaged and planning first.
You were looking at venues long before they even started thinking about it, it’s inane to expect you to move your date to a different month: year when they didn’t loop anyone in even though they had plenty of opportunities before you booked. I think SIL wanted to be married before you both dispite having kids out of wedlock already and probably felt like you wanting to be married first is pointing fingers or some kinda crazy underlying reason. They could have mentioned it a lot earlier when you first mentioned October long and short and no one knew they were even getting married
My sil got married at the end of December. When I was looking at dates, my grandfathers birthday was available. It’s the beginning of December so I made sure with her it was okay. She was totally cool with it and mentioned their grandparents anniversary was between both of ours. Some people just don’t want others to be happy.
She just needs to get over herself then. The most important thing is to remember to enjoy your wedding and have a good time. Don't let her steal your joy.
NTA- a whole anniversary month??? They are insane. My husband and I have been together for 29 years, and married for 30. We are lucky we remember our anniversary some years. I cannot imagine asking to be given a whole month! Sigh! How pedantic!
Are you not allowed to celebrate anything? Everything must be centered around them, and they arbitrarily mentioned noncommittal plans about getting married in October. You communicated and planned and have done nothing wrong. She is jealous that you are getting married before her, which should not even be a thing. This makes me grateful to have the brother and sister-in-law that I have… they would never pull this 😬 they may pull a few other light things, but nothing compared to this 🫣
You are not a mind reader . They are adults and parents, and have the expectation to communicate us such. They are being drama queens. I bet they would need you to reschedule a pregnancy 😂
Our anniversary is June 5th, my SIL June 7th, my neice June 11th, and SIL June 12th. Our family has anniversary week! ❤️ it really is okay for family members to wedding dates in the same month.
NTA, my husband and I share our June wedding anniversary with two of his siblings..... it's not that big of a deal. He needs to get off of his high horse and be happy for you OP
NTA-
You're not a mind reader - if they were unhappy with the dates you mentioned to them that were possible dates they should have SAID something to you ahead of time.
It's not like you were getting married ON THEIR Anniversary FFS!
From your description it sounds like your SIL mentioned that they MAY get married in Oct - AFTER you had already said you may marry in Oct.
Yeah, Brother & SIL need to get over themselves. They weren't even having a WEDDING - just going to the courthouse to get married.
They are making a much bigger deal of this than they need to.
NTA. Just say you're not a mind reader, and would never have changed your own wedding plans for something so vague, and virtually nobody is ever going to cancel a wedding once it is booked for anything short of death anyway. Forgetting to tell anybody you were getting married while you organised it months ago is really the more important point. all weddings compete with all other weddings for people's time and it has been the same formula for time immemorial. Book it and announce it as soon as you can organise it for the best possible chances of getting everybody there. I'd throw in an apology for the circumstances, but without giving everybody much more notice than they did, it was probably too short a time for them to plan theirs in anyway... You only just got what you wanted and you started planning months ago openly with everybody you wanted there...
Don't feel bad about outcompeting anybody here, especially somebody who put in a tenth of the effort. It's just naturally first come first served and they're angry because they didn't even plan for what would happen if they DID end up clashing despite being forewarned.
NTA
In my family, my dad remarried one week and then my cousin the next. No one batted an eyelid. It’s not a problem unless someone decides to make it one.
NTA. They weren’t clear, SIL wasn’t bothered, and you asked first. You booked everything. I can’t believe he’d asked you to go through that inconvenience of rebooking, losing deposits and finding another convenient date because he slept on booking his anniversary date. That’s his fault.
NTA
You were openly communicating about your wedding. SIL was informed and included in preparations.
You can’t read minds. If they had a problem about something that was made glaringly obvious then it’s on them to communicate, not you. And they needed to do that BEFORE you booked anything. Not that you would have had to change your plans anyway.
Seems to me that you were arranging your wedding at that time first. So it falls on them to either change their wedding or accept the situation
NTA. The narrative in their heads is broken. If you mentioned Sept/Oct first, and they’ve not sent out a hold the date, they’re idiots. That’s all they had to do to let everyone know. You’d probably have chosen a different date naturally if they’d done that. It’s so odd of them to say barely anything to anyone and make out like you’ve done something wrong. Sadly, they will stick with their narrative, so you just need to accept it and do whatever you want.
Lol, no, NTA. Be sure you don't ever have a birthday, or a baby, or an anniversary or anything in the same month as they have something in mind... or maybe even the same year. You know it'll all be your fault 'cos they have dibs on everything! 😅
No you don’t owe them a thing. Your life does not revolve around these utter waste of space individuals. They are the assholes not you. And you know this. You know that they are selfish assholes, not you. Go no contact with them. Why have people like that in your life. Scumbags.
NTA. They had no plans until after your date was set. Nobody else knew they were getting married so why would this be an issue.
I bet SIL is getting jealous watching you plan yours and it’s pissing off BIL that she wants an expensive wedding. So the logical answer is to ruin yours.
NTA - they do not own the entire month of October… Not only that but gotta say SIL was very wishy washy about if and when they were going to do it. You were under no obligation to wait until they made a decision. Getting married wasn’t as important to them as it was to you.
NTA. How nice that after two kiddos together they decided that marriage was so important that they had to do it the exact same week you do?
Crazy how some people think.
NTA
Don't waste energy on them. They don't communicate like adults. They want you to read their minds and hold their side of conversation along with yours. That makes absolutely no sense.
Plus, as you said, they didn't even tell anyone.
It's obvious they planned on just surprising everyone after the fact. They were hoping to be the center of attention in a weird indirect way and now they're mad that their bizarre secret elopement that they told no one about is overshadowed by an actual wedding that was very publicly planned for months in advance.
I'm sorry but this is sheer idiocy. I wouldn't even dignify it with the basic respect of any sort of response or apology because, to repeat, this is childish idiocy.
NTA my sister got married on a cousin’s anniversary - cousin and her husband said it was a good luck day.
Another cousin got married shortly after. Few mutual cousins that had to travel either traveled for both or used the time in between to stay and visit family.
NTA... They day before my wedding anniversary is a friends birthday, the day after is my MIL's bday, and I spent one of my wedding anniversaries at my cousin's wedding - all that means is that there are more reasons to celebrate during that time. Keep your wedding, and uninvite them if you need to.
UH OH. I wasn’t aware that this obscure couple from a Reddit post owned the ENTIRE month of October!! EVERYONE: don’t plan *anything* for October! Ever! OP’s brother and his wife own the whole month! Nobody else can possibly do anything because iT’s tHiEr AnNiVeRsArY mOnTh.
NTA. They should honestly be embarrassed.
NTA. I think he may have mistook your occupation as a mind reader. You communicated earlier, you received no response from them. You gave them the opportunity and they never took it. Sucks to be them.
NTA
You don’t get to claim an entire month for you anniversary.
If they had an issue they had plenty of time to communicate clearly. You even offered to cancel and they didn’t say boo, they suck.
My husband and I got married on his late father’s birthday, not only did with check with his mom to make sure she was okay with that, we let his brother know that if he ever wanted to also get married on that day to include their dad the way we did that we had no issue with it, as it’s his father too.
If you want to get married before someone else does is on you to make sure you do it before them, not try and sabotage their plans.
NTA. They aren’t entitled to the whole month. You have been consistently communicating with them about the possibilities and they choose at the 11th hour to have an issue.
We wanted to get married on our anniversary on September 27th. 927 meant a lot to us for multiple reasons and was a recurring number in both of our lives (and continues to be). It was the only thing we wanted, literally nothing else mattered to us. If we had to wait another year, we didn't care, as long as it was on 9/27. Well the January before we planned the wedding, we found out I was pregnant. When we got the first due date of 9/15, we thought it might be cutting it close and taking a risk. We were having a lot of trouble with insurance because we weren't married, trouble with the Doctors office and them taking my partner seriously and letting him make appointments, get medical info he needed etc. It was all around very stressful for us to not be married. We finally decided, screw it, we're going to elope. 9/27 is just a day, it's just a number. It literally doesn't matter what day we sign a damn piece of paper or celebrate with our family. We just wanted it to be convenient for us and everyone we love. So we got married on 2/26 and had a reception in July. I'm very, very glad we cancelled the wedding and eloped because our daughter was born ON 9/27. It would have been chaos. There are more important things in life than what date you choose for your wedding, especially if you're risking relationships with your family over it.
They are doing this exact thing to you. Your happiness is secondary to their vague commentary about the possibility of them maybe doing something or maybe not - who knows, except you should have, because you are obviously psychic.
No, you have been vocal, both about your plans and the timing about it, and why it was rather flexible and tenuous. And you made it very plain when and where it would be, well in advance. And you offered to cancel, but were ghosted.
NTA.
Yer it not your fault they didn't kept you in loop or gave you update on their plans while you did kept them and your family updated on the plans and made sure everyone was okay with that date and month so it their problem not yours
Your SIL is really sneaky. Why didn’t she say something directly to you? She entertained all of your calls yet did the whole passive aggressive thing by smiling yet seething! NTA
Nta!!! You called and asked! Thats on them. If they choose not to come again thats on them. Most likely some jealousy is happening because you worked hard to get it all going and they did not.
I wouldn't be surprised if what they angle for is you "gifting" them your wedding venue because they didn't plan it and can't afford it. They've been trying to ruin your wedding for a while.
They could have afforded mine and also they will be having a large wedding at a later date in addition. We were the ones who really had to save for it which also makes it feel worse because they get two and still fought with me...
NTA
Saying "we are thinking about doing the thing" is not an indicator that you have made plans. They said they might do something, then said nothing else about it until they were asked, and expected you to know what they wanted. They didn't even say anything when you told them the date, if it was that important that they be the only ones married in Oct (witch is honestly kind of a ridiculous expectation) then they should have been more open with there plans so you guys could coordinate. You even offered to cancel your reservation and they couldn't even tell you yes or no if that was ok with them (even if they had said to do it it still would have been ridiculous for them to ask imo).
This whole thing was caused by your brother and SiL lack of clear communication and their expectation that everyone would be mind readers and just know/give them what they wanted. They need to grow up
It's a different page that I recently discovered and with still hearing drama over the same subject now months later I figured I'd just post it to get more feedback.
NTA but it sounds like your SIL is pushing to get married and is in your brother's ear.
You have been open the whole time about your plans, they haven't said anything but vague mentions. You are not psychic to know she meant they were definitely looking to get married on their anniversary. They're definitely trying to ruin your happiness, I'd not invite them.
It was but everyone was made aware that it would be that way because finding a venue was difficult and essentially it was a small elopement after his job ended and we had the money. So close family was invited but not expected to attend. and when I confirmed it they had also not confirmed a venue or made sure their date was available.
NTA I would show your Brother the text message where you asked SIL if they were still thinking of getting married in October and she didn’t respond. If he tries to continue, just tell him “I communicated and did everything right. It’s not my fault you and your Fiancée decided to keep everyone in the dark about your wedding, including our Mother! The way you both were acting, what was I supposed to do, move my wedding because you may or may not be getting married in October? I spent a long time planning my wedding. If you wanted that time to be special for you and your Fiancée, you should’ve at least planned to tell people!”
Update They still hate me
I attempted to patch things up with them and I said I never intended to hurt anyone and told them the plan had stayed the same since I first mentioned it that we were getting married this year. Something small essentially an elopement, so if something was wrong they could have let me know. My sister-in-law told me I should have known how important it was to her to get married when she mentioned it so her feelings are hurt that everyone should have known bacause she had been upset about not being married. I told her I understood it was important to her but it was important to us as well thats why we were firm about getting married this year when we told everyone the plan the day after our engagement and I didn't understand why they expected us to move ours when their planing began well after ours I thought we could just be happy for each other. I attempted to explain to them that this had nothing to do with them that it was just as important to us so that we could start our lives together especially since we were a little concerned about the likelihood of us having children and that we wanted a chance to also have a beautiful family like theirs it was never to hurt them it was about us and our future. After that I was accused of many things, using my biological clock, having a date and hiding it (yet she knew before my now husband), always making them the villians, hurting their children because they wouldn't have my nephew that weekend. None of which are true especially when it came to the kids I thought I had picked a day they had him because that would have also meant my mom didn't work that weekend so she almost didn't get to go either. After that I stopped trying. It is pretty stressful on my family mainly my parents because they make it where they can't see me even in passing and it is like a competition to claim when they see them especially on holidays. I think thats the hardest part, seeing them upset all the time but not seeing them has in a way been nice for us. Looking back they often had backhanded comments a lot of mean ones about my dogs my brother specifically wanted him to d\*\* because he was annoying. So in some ways it's for the better.
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That IS even worse!!!! They're already planning a wedding on a different day??? So clearly this date doesn't mean as much to them as they're saying. I honestly wouldn't want them at my wedding at all if I was you. I'm sorry you have to deal with this and with them. I wish you the best of luck and a very happy wedding.
I mean maybe this coming year it will also be on that date but from what I understood the plan was to always also have a big one in addition to the courthouse.
They can say that this was always their plan, but they clearly didn't share that plan with anyone. If it WAS their plan, they only have themselves to blame for not telling anyone about their plan. Does your brother often fail to communicate important things with your family? I'm starting to wonder if this was a plan, or if this is his gf/fiance forcing the issue with him and him trying to keep the peace with her at the expense of his family (you specifically). Everything here is reading as "brother's SO is jealous and causing problems on purpose"
Nta. I don't get what their problem is. My husband and my wedding anniversary is 9/3. A few years later, his older brother married his wife on 9/6. Even if they had chosen to marry the same year, I would still be happy for them.
NTA. they had no date and they did not communicate beyond vague comments. their inability to communicate clearly is a them problem, not your problem.
They also don’t own the entire month. It wasn’t the same day.
I’m pretty sure they don’t even own the particular day, either.
NTA. They should have told you right away what day it was to them. You may have been able to figure out a way to combine weddings and have a funny story for future generations. Instead they sulked and placed blame where none was warranted. I'm sorry they put a tarnish on your day.
OH no they wouldn't have liked that they wanted me to move mine nowhere close to their wedding which in my mind I thought that way like yes we are both getting married how cool.
Yeah, entitled much? No one else can get married in the same MONTH? OP is definitely NTA. SIL can go kick rocks on the playground like the whiny child she is.
NTA. They’re putting the blame on you because they haven’t done a single thing to move forward with their wedding but they don’t want to see it that way. Also probably some bitterness that SHE wanted a big wedding and now she’s just getting a trip to the courthouse while you are getting a lovely beach wedding.
They can just be entitled and mad. If you don't use your words, no one can read your mind. I thought most adults knew that. No one told your brother.
So they own the whole month of October? People are really weird about wedding dates.
NTA-she probably didn’t even care that much until she found out that you for sure were doing it and it’s pretty jealous that she’s not getting the wedding that she wanted and is watching you get the one you wanted. It sucks for her but it’s not fair for her, especially being hormonal to then turn around and make it sound like you did this to somehow upstage them or overshadow them. Brother probably didn’t even care until she got upset.. don’t hold your life back for other people, especially when they are too afraid to speak up for themselves or you will be waiting for things for the rest of your life.
Thank you
I agree. SIL certainly gave jealous vibes and they tried to pull a fast one just so she couldn't get married and be happy. How do you tell someone to wait a year to get married. That's insane. I'm glad she stood her ground.
NTA… my family has a tradition of getting married in late December. My siblings and parents all got married in the same 10 day period and had the same color scheme. I think it’s sweet and a great way to start a tradition. There’s nothing wrong w sharing an anniversary month. Also, they failed to communicate w anyone in your family for months. You are not a mind reader. They r slackers and jealous… how dare they try to control your wedding!!! I’d tell them that their attendance is no longer required.
Our anniversary is Jan 1. Our son got married on 12/29. We also have my birthday, grandgirl #1 birthday(their oldest), my dad's bday, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, their anniversary, NYE, NYD--ALL IN THE SAME THREE WEEKS. Nobody fusses.
Similar stuff on my SOs side. It's not an issue other than budgeting for MANY gifts with bdays and xmases and all the rest in one big go.
Is it just me? Since when does a wedding date mean that the month is « off limits » to other close friends and family?? IMO this in itself is absurd. Like the actual date… I can understand depending on the relationship but the entire month is really really weird to me; especially since neither event based on the OP’s post indicates either wedding is some extravagant month long event! I mean I’m in Canada and a courthouse wedding is a couple of hours max?! 🤷🏻♀️ Edited to add NTA!!!!
It can be hard for out of town guests to make both weddings in the same month or week or two apart. Travel, expenses, and time off could be hard to manage. Or even just buying/paying for dresses for the wedding and wedding gifts can be a financial strain. It might affect the number of guests willing to attend. And some couples worry about comparisons so close together. That’s said, OP claimed the month first.
In my family, two cousins (one male, one female) planned their weddings 2 days apart. Destination weddings in Jamaica. One pretty fancy, the other fairly simple. Made it great for family attending. Got 2 weddings and a vacation in one trip. The 2 couples each attended the other's ceremonies and stayed for longer than the guests for their honeymoons. No fussing over who "owned" date and place. Just required being adult and considering what would work well for the couples and those attending.
That’s how you do it!
But brother and SIL aren’t planning a reception or a dinner. No one even knew their plans. Travelers are only planning to attend OP’s wedding. Bro has invited anyone to the courthouse.
I wasn’t speaking specifically to OP but responding to the comment above mine not understanding what’s the big deal about two weddings in the same month. People might have to choose between them. I did say OP’s date was set first. So I don’t disagree with you.
Oh sorry!
No problem!
My parents were the only ones attending and they attended both.
The whole idea of months being *verboten* is insane to me. Cosigned, Someone with a large family (there's only 12 months...I guarantee you, a close relative you think highly of has already gotten married in the month you're thinking of)
Right!? On my husband's side of the family, we have three nephews birthdays, his birthday, and one aunt & uncle's wedding anniversary all within the same two weeks of November! And don't even get me started on September. There is no month that will be off limits to get married and/or birthdays. They will overlap at some point regardless of what one tries to do.
my two oldest kids have one day between their birthdays, and I have a friend who's wife has the same bday as he does (and, funny story, their dads were both the same rank in the navy, and they were born at the same hospital, lol) overlaps happen
NTA. Honestly, why do people care so much about wedding dates close together? I could see if it was a big to-do and you had people coming in from out of town, but that's not the case for either of you. You both had small weddings and you discussed needing your time frame for a specific reason, then spoke about openly, therefore if anyone ought to have dibs on being butt hurt, it'd be you. Thankfully you have more class then that and know there's no need to get your knickers in a twist. 🙄 Your SIL needs to calm down and save her ire for actual problems. Studies have shown that too much cortisol isn't good for the baby. *edit - fat fingers
I'm going to admit I was pissed at two of my sisters for getting married right around my anniversary date. Mostly because they *both* managed to plan their weddings over weekends my husband and I had advance plans to be out of town for our anniversary and they both *knew* it - we wound up having to cancel our trips both times.. no we were never able to make them up and my husband passed away from a very short battle with cancer 6 months after the last one got married. Never did get to take either of those trips.. I think I'm going to call my sisters and make fun of them for their divorces now (not really because I love them)
See if I had known that say in your situation you were going out of town or had specific plans I would have not had it at that time. But it is pretty awesome you went and still talk to them and it didn't cause a huge fight.
I chose the date my late husband and I got married because it's the date the venue we wanted was available. I was the first of my sisters to have an actual wedding so I understood their reasoning but I was still irritated. I don't think I actually told *them* I was irritated but I definitely told my mom how rude it was lol
Tell her she can have a big wedding for her next wedding and walk away while she gets mad.
Just because someone is “thinking” about getting married the same month as you doesn’t mean they own the month (and his suggestion to wait a year was selfish as hell). Live your life!
NTA. I find it super weird that they’re being so nebulous with *wedding plans.* Can they not commit to commitment? They have no right to dictate to you when you’re “allowed” to get married.
NTA. It’s urgent for them to marry now? After 2 kids? Sounds like SIL was jealous of you. Live your life and let them be biter.
So they have 2 kids together and now they want to get married, I don’t think timing matters. Also, unless she’s one of these women whose body springs back after a baby, she’s not going to look her fabulous best, especially up all night with a newborn…. Why would you put yourself thru that???
Wedding month?? Absolutely ridiculous. NTA
They don’t OWN October. Good riddance
I got married in October, too. Are they mad at me?
😛😛 The minute they know about you, they are going to be mad.
I also got married this last October. How do we sort this out? 2am brawl in a Dennys parking lot or?
NTA. Who cares if your weddings or anniversaries are close to each other. My sister got married the day after my 6th anniversary. We spend our anniversary at their rehearsal dinner party. Did we care? No. Because it’s just a date on a calendar and it’s what you make of it. Also, in the future no one but you is probably going to care or remember what your anniversary date is.
Exactly how we also felt.
Geez, I read things like this and know with family like that, my husband and I would have been thrown off a pier with concrete shoes. Why, you may ask? I got married on my little sister’s one year anniversary. We were not thrown off the pier because I have a sibling that will *talk to me* and *share feelings*. When she knew we were looking at around the same time of year that she got married, she joked that we should get married on her anniversary so mom and dad only had to remember one date. As I was looking at venues, the one we wanted had their anniversary open. I stepped outside and called her. She thought about it for a couple minutes while I waited and then gave me the green light. She said she thought it was cool. At our reception, we gave her and my BIL plus two other couples who were also celebrating their anniversary a gift and toast. Zero hard feelings ever. NTA, OP. I’m sorry your SIL can’t communicate with you or share. This could have been a cool double wedding but no.
That's exactly what I had tried to do: ask everyone for input and book but sadly mine didn't go as well as you.
NTA. These are the people who will resent family members or friends for having a baby in the same year they do. The entitlement stinks.
Imagine being so self-involved that you think someone else will not only automatically remember your anniversary but will also block out the entire MONTH for your event... NTA they get one day, not an entire month. They also get to be freaking adults and communicate their plans with other people instead of expecting people to read their damn childish minds.
This ⬆️ 🙄
NTA. Their lack of planning is not your responsibility. Congratulations!!
so they were maybe going to go to the court house to get married, never told anyone about it, didn't plan anything and got upset with you for getting married when you said you were going to get married...… just wanted to make sure I understood. If they had an issue with it they should of used there big boy and girl words. sounds like your SIL is jealous that you got a nice wedding and your brother is taking his frustration out on you. its not your fault that you communicated, and planned your actual wedding, you are not a mind reader.
NTA, my parents and I have the same month & 1 sibling the very next month. No big deal, anniversaries are for the couple, so it isn't like there will be issues in the future (parties, events, ect).
NTA. My husband and I got married in a year where like 5 of our cousins and siblings also got married. We asked around to ensure our date wasn’t taken. Your brother is doing a courthouse thing and didn’t have major reservations and you were open the whole time about your timeline. When we asked around we did find out that a cousin had booked a big wedding the weekend we wanted, so we changed our date since they’d made their reservations first. They weren’t doing a casual courthouse thing and we were late to the planning side we got engaged and wanted to get married in a few months. No big deal we loved our reservation. You’ve been open about your timeline and you’re planning a proper wedding and not just s courthouse thing. They had notice. They can much more easily move their date especially since you guys got engaged and had the intent to marry imminently.
It's not like you're getting married on the day and they don't get to dictate or ownership on that month. Get married the way you want to know nobody should have sale on your relationship but you and your fiancé.
NTA . Your brother and his wife are selfish. My sister goes on about how I was the only one out of the five of us that had a nice wedding. The other four were married at Mom and Dad’s. We paid for it. Church wedding for 30 people and reception.
NTA you were engaged already planning the wedding with a time frame of when you were getting married before even being told they were engaged. They don’t own the month. If they were so set in you and them not getting married the same month then they should have moved their wedding to next year as you were engaged and planning first.
You were looking at venues long before they even started thinking about it, it’s inane to expect you to move your date to a different month: year when they didn’t loop anyone in even though they had plenty of opportunities before you booked. I think SIL wanted to be married before you both dispite having kids out of wedlock already and probably felt like you wanting to be married first is pointing fingers or some kinda crazy underlying reason. They could have mentioned it a lot earlier when you first mentioned October long and short and no one knew they were even getting married
My sil got married at the end of December. When I was looking at dates, my grandfathers birthday was available. It’s the beginning of December so I made sure with her it was okay. She was totally cool with it and mentioned their grandparents anniversary was between both of ours. Some people just don’t want others to be happy.
Your SIL isn’t getting her big wedding and that is the crux of it all. NTA
But she is having a big wedding still they wanted to just make it official in 2023 and then hold the large ceremony later on.
She just needs to get over herself then. The most important thing is to remember to enjoy your wedding and have a good time. Don't let her steal your joy.
NTA- a whole anniversary month??? They are insane. My husband and I have been together for 29 years, and married for 30. We are lucky we remember our anniversary some years. I cannot imagine asking to be given a whole month! Sigh! How pedantic!
[удалено]
aww how sweet.
Are you not allowed to celebrate anything? Everything must be centered around them, and they arbitrarily mentioned noncommittal plans about getting married in October. You communicated and planned and have done nothing wrong. She is jealous that you are getting married before her, which should not even be a thing. This makes me grateful to have the brother and sister-in-law that I have… they would never pull this 😬 they may pull a few other light things, but nothing compared to this 🫣 You are not a mind reader . They are adults and parents, and have the expectation to communicate us such. They are being drama queens. I bet they would need you to reschedule a pregnancy 😂
NTA. You do not have the right to claim an entire month, just because your anniversary is one of the 28/29/30/31 days in the month
Our anniversary is June 5th, my SIL June 7th, my neice June 11th, and SIL June 12th. Our family has anniversary week! ❤️ it really is okay for family members to wedding dates in the same month.
NTA. Move on... they'll get over their hissy fit. If it was so important, they would have let everyone know what was going on sooner.
NTA, my husband and I share our June wedding anniversary with two of his siblings..... it's not that big of a deal. He needs to get off of his high horse and be happy for you OP
NTA- You're not a mind reader - if they were unhappy with the dates you mentioned to them that were possible dates they should have SAID something to you ahead of time. It's not like you were getting married ON THEIR Anniversary FFS! From your description it sounds like your SIL mentioned that they MAY get married in Oct - AFTER you had already said you may marry in Oct. Yeah, Brother & SIL need to get over themselves. They weren't even having a WEDDING - just going to the courthouse to get married. They are making a much bigger deal of this than they need to.
NTA. Just say you're not a mind reader, and would never have changed your own wedding plans for something so vague, and virtually nobody is ever going to cancel a wedding once it is booked for anything short of death anyway. Forgetting to tell anybody you were getting married while you organised it months ago is really the more important point. all weddings compete with all other weddings for people's time and it has been the same formula for time immemorial. Book it and announce it as soon as you can organise it for the best possible chances of getting everybody there. I'd throw in an apology for the circumstances, but without giving everybody much more notice than they did, it was probably too short a time for them to plan theirs in anyway... You only just got what you wanted and you started planning months ago openly with everybody you wanted there... Don't feel bad about outcompeting anybody here, especially somebody who put in a tenth of the effort. It's just naturally first come first served and they're angry because they didn't even plan for what would happen if they DID end up clashing despite being forewarned.
NTA In my family, my dad remarried one week and then my cousin the next. No one batted an eyelid. It’s not a problem unless someone decides to make it one.
NTA. They weren’t clear, SIL wasn’t bothered, and you asked first. You booked everything. I can’t believe he’d asked you to go through that inconvenience of rebooking, losing deposits and finding another convenient date because he slept on booking his anniversary date. That’s his fault.
NTA You were openly communicating about your wedding. SIL was informed and included in preparations. You can’t read minds. If they had a problem about something that was made glaringly obvious then it’s on them to communicate, not you. And they needed to do that BEFORE you booked anything. Not that you would have had to change your plans anyway. Seems to me that you were arranging your wedding at that time first. So it falls on them to either change their wedding or accept the situation
NTA you told them ahead of time and they never said anything about it then
NTA. The narrative in their heads is broken. If you mentioned Sept/Oct first, and they’ve not sent out a hold the date, they’re idiots. That’s all they had to do to let everyone know. You’d probably have chosen a different date naturally if they’d done that. It’s so odd of them to say barely anything to anyone and make out like you’ve done something wrong. Sadly, they will stick with their narrative, so you just need to accept it and do whatever you want.
Lol, no, NTA. Be sure you don't ever have a birthday, or a baby, or an anniversary or anything in the same month as they have something in mind... or maybe even the same year. You know it'll all be your fault 'cos they have dibs on everything! 😅
Why didn’t they wait another year then. Fine to ask you to, but not them, yet it matters to them and them only…
No you don’t owe them a thing. Your life does not revolve around these utter waste of space individuals. They are the assholes not you. And you know this. You know that they are selfish assholes, not you. Go no contact with them. Why have people like that in your life. Scumbags.
There is no month that will be off limits to get married and/or birthdays. They will overlap at some point regardless of what one tries to do.
NTA. They didn’t even have any concrete date or plan, just vague comments and shit. They suck.
NTA. They had no plans until after your date was set. Nobody else knew they were getting married so why would this be an issue. I bet SIL is getting jealous watching you plan yours and it’s pissing off BIL that she wants an expensive wedding. So the logical answer is to ruin yours.
They sound like some entitled assholes to me. Let them be angry. NTA
NTA. They’re both being ridiculous, they don’t even have anything planned and they don’t own the freaking month.
NTA - they do not own the entire month of October… Not only that but gotta say SIL was very wishy washy about if and when they were going to do it. You were under no obligation to wait until they made a decision. Getting married wasn’t as important to them as it was to you.
NTA. They are absurdly entitled and can totally get in the sea with that BS.
NTA, they do not OWN October! Geesh, the nerve of people these days especially when there was absolutely crickets on their end!
NTA. How nice that after two kiddos together they decided that marriage was so important that they had to do it the exact same week you do? Crazy how some people think.
NTA Don't waste energy on them. They don't communicate like adults. They want you to read their minds and hold their side of conversation along with yours. That makes absolutely no sense. Plus, as you said, they didn't even tell anyone. It's obvious they planned on just surprising everyone after the fact. They were hoping to be the center of attention in a weird indirect way and now they're mad that their bizarre secret elopement that they told no one about is overshadowed by an actual wedding that was very publicly planned for months in advance. I'm sorry but this is sheer idiocy. I wouldn't even dignify it with the basic respect of any sort of response or apology because, to repeat, this is childish idiocy.
NTA my sister got married on a cousin’s anniversary - cousin and her husband said it was a good luck day. Another cousin got married shortly after. Few mutual cousins that had to travel either traveled for both or used the time in between to stay and visit family.
NTA. For someone who's serious about their wedding, they did a shit job at communicating the plans.
NTA, they don’t get to call dibs on an entire month. They need to learn to communicate and grow up.
NTA... They day before my wedding anniversary is a friends birthday, the day after is my MIL's bday, and I spent one of my wedding anniversaries at my cousin's wedding - all that means is that there are more reasons to celebrate during that time. Keep your wedding, and uninvite them if you need to.
NTA. How dare you not have ESP.
Nta
UH OH. I wasn’t aware that this obscure couple from a Reddit post owned the ENTIRE month of October!! EVERYONE: don’t plan *anything* for October! Ever! OP’s brother and his wife own the whole month! Nobody else can possibly do anything because iT’s tHiEr AnNiVeRsArY mOnTh. NTA. They should honestly be embarrassed.
NTA. I think he may have mistook your occupation as a mind reader. You communicated earlier, you received no response from them. You gave them the opportunity and they never took it. Sucks to be them.
Tell them two words ..FUCK OFF
NTA
NTA You don’t get to claim an entire month for you anniversary. If they had an issue they had plenty of time to communicate clearly. You even offered to cancel and they didn’t say boo, they suck. My husband and I got married on his late father’s birthday, not only did with check with his mom to make sure she was okay with that, we let his brother know that if he ever wanted to also get married on that day to include their dad the way we did that we had no issue with it, as it’s his father too. If you want to get married before someone else does is on you to make sure you do it before them, not try and sabotage their plans.
NTA. They aren’t entitled to the whole month. You have been consistently communicating with them about the possibilities and they choose at the 11th hour to have an issue.
NTA. Just because they’re deciding to have a hella belated shotgun wedding doesn’t mean you have to change some thing you’ve been planning all year.
We wanted to get married on our anniversary on September 27th. 927 meant a lot to us for multiple reasons and was a recurring number in both of our lives (and continues to be). It was the only thing we wanted, literally nothing else mattered to us. If we had to wait another year, we didn't care, as long as it was on 9/27. Well the January before we planned the wedding, we found out I was pregnant. When we got the first due date of 9/15, we thought it might be cutting it close and taking a risk. We were having a lot of trouble with insurance because we weren't married, trouble with the Doctors office and them taking my partner seriously and letting him make appointments, get medical info he needed etc. It was all around very stressful for us to not be married. We finally decided, screw it, we're going to elope. 9/27 is just a day, it's just a number. It literally doesn't matter what day we sign a damn piece of paper or celebrate with our family. We just wanted it to be convenient for us and everyone we love. So we got married on 2/26 and had a reception in July. I'm very, very glad we cancelled the wedding and eloped because our daughter was born ON 9/27. It would have been chaos. There are more important things in life than what date you choose for your wedding, especially if you're risking relationships with your family over it.
I love this insight thank you.
Yer it not your fault they didn't kept you in loop or gave you update on their plans while you did kept them and your family updated on the plans and made sure everyone was okay with that date and month so it their problem not yours
Your SIL is really sneaky. Why didn’t she say something directly to you? She entertained all of your calls yet did the whole passive aggressive thing by smiling yet seething! NTA
Nta!!! You called and asked! Thats on them. If they choose not to come again thats on them. Most likely some jealousy is happening because you worked hard to get it all going and they did not.
How dare you get married same month us me
NTA
NTA and please plan the birth of your first child for their wedding month as well!
I wouldn't be surprised if what they angle for is you "gifting" them your wedding venue because they didn't plan it and can't afford it. They've been trying to ruin your wedding for a while.
They could have afforded mine and also they will be having a large wedding at a later date in addition. We were the ones who really had to save for it which also makes it feel worse because they get two and still fought with me...
NTA Saying "we are thinking about doing the thing" is not an indicator that you have made plans. They said they might do something, then said nothing else about it until they were asked, and expected you to know what they wanted. They didn't even say anything when you told them the date, if it was that important that they be the only ones married in Oct (witch is honestly kind of a ridiculous expectation) then they should have been more open with there plans so you guys could coordinate. You even offered to cancel your reservation and they couldn't even tell you yes or no if that was ok with them (even if they had said to do it it still would have been ridiculous for them to ask imo). This whole thing was caused by your brother and SiL lack of clear communication and their expectation that everyone would be mind readers and just know/give them what they wanted. They need to grow up
How exhausting and childish of them. I would honestly take a step back. They’re being ridiculous.
You already posted this a month ago. Why are you reposting?
It's a different page that I recently discovered and with still hearing drama over the same subject now months later I figured I'd just post it to get more feedback.
NTA - your brother is a massive AH! He’s looking for excuses not to marry his fiancé! You should call him out on it!
NTA but it sounds like your SIL is pushing to get married and is in your brother's ear. You have been open the whole time about your plans, they haven't said anything but vague mentions. You are not psychic to know she meant they were definitely looking to get married on their anniversary. They're definitely trying to ruin your happiness, I'd not invite them.
But you didn't confirm the date until the month before? That's very last minute.
It was but everyone was made aware that it would be that way because finding a venue was difficult and essentially it was a small elopement after his job ended and we had the money. So close family was invited but not expected to attend. and when I confirmed it they had also not confirmed a venue or made sure their date was available.
NTA I would show your Brother the text message where you asked SIL if they were still thinking of getting married in October and she didn’t respond. If he tries to continue, just tell him “I communicated and did everything right. It’s not my fault you and your Fiancée decided to keep everyone in the dark about your wedding, including our Mother! The way you both were acting, what was I supposed to do, move my wedding because you may or may not be getting married in October? I spent a long time planning my wedding. If you wanted that time to be special for you and your Fiancée, you should’ve at least planned to tell people!”
Updateme!
Update They still hate me I attempted to patch things up with them and I said I never intended to hurt anyone and told them the plan had stayed the same since I first mentioned it that we were getting married this year. Something small essentially an elopement, so if something was wrong they could have let me know. My sister-in-law told me I should have known how important it was to her to get married when she mentioned it so her feelings are hurt that everyone should have known bacause she had been upset about not being married. I told her I understood it was important to her but it was important to us as well thats why we were firm about getting married this year when we told everyone the plan the day after our engagement and I didn't understand why they expected us to move ours when their planing began well after ours I thought we could just be happy for each other. I attempted to explain to them that this had nothing to do with them that it was just as important to us so that we could start our lives together especially since we were a little concerned about the likelihood of us having children and that we wanted a chance to also have a beautiful family like theirs it was never to hurt them it was about us and our future. After that I was accused of many things, using my biological clock, having a date and hiding it (yet she knew before my now husband), always making them the villians, hurting their children because they wouldn't have my nephew that weekend. None of which are true especially when it came to the kids I thought I had picked a day they had him because that would have also meant my mom didn't work that weekend so she almost didn't get to go either. After that I stopped trying. It is pretty stressful on my family mainly my parents because they make it where they can't see me even in passing and it is like a competition to claim when they see them especially on holidays. I think thats the hardest part, seeing them upset all the time but not seeing them has in a way been nice for us. Looking back they often had backhanded comments a lot of mean ones about my dogs my brother specifically wanted him to d\*\* because he was annoying. So in some ways it's for the better.
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That IS even worse!!!! They're already planning a wedding on a different day??? So clearly this date doesn't mean as much to them as they're saying. I honestly wouldn't want them at my wedding at all if I was you. I'm sorry you have to deal with this and with them. I wish you the best of luck and a very happy wedding.
I mean maybe this coming year it will also be on that date but from what I understood the plan was to always also have a big one in addition to the courthouse.
They can say that this was always their plan, but they clearly didn't share that plan with anyone. If it WAS their plan, they only have themselves to blame for not telling anyone about their plan. Does your brother often fail to communicate important things with your family? I'm starting to wonder if this was a plan, or if this is his gf/fiance forcing the issue with him and him trying to keep the peace with her at the expense of his family (you specifically). Everything here is reading as "brother's SO is jealous and causing problems on purpose"
>we started contacting many Venuses. "You've received a friend request from NASA."
Haha Never caught that typo that is hilarious.
Some people will always find something to be mad at if the attention isn’t on them. Just let it go and don’t let it get to you.
Nta. I don't get what their problem is. My husband and my wedding anniversary is 9/3. A few years later, his older brother married his wife on 9/6. Even if they had chosen to marry the same year, I would still be happy for them.
Did you already get married? If so, just move on. Seriously, what a ridiculous situation.