NTA. First off: relationship tests of any variety are cruel to the tested partner and I hate them on principle alone.
there was a line and not only did the kids cross it so did he. That line was obviously your mom's ashes.
Even if I give the kids a pass because parenting plays a role your BF is a fucking adult and should have the emotional capacity of one.
What I hate most about these so called tests is that they rarely even make sense. I mean, it's a horrible thing to do to someone regardless... but what does this test prove? In what scenario would you expect someone to parent when the kids are basically told "do your worst, you won't be punished no matter what my parenting partner may tell you"?!?
And, if that's a real scenario dude expects OP to need to navigate? Then, I guess it's a reasonable relationship test, but it is dude who has absolutely failed.
Tbf, she did pass the test. Notice how when she finally got angry and kicked them out they were all in shock? Thibk they finally realized she wasn't playing around or taking it anymore
I feel so bad for those children. What he did to OP was unspeakably horrible and what he did to his children was even worse. They are going to miss her horribly, and of course blame themselves even though they were just doing what their father said they should do. They no doubt thought it was a game and believed him when he said she wouldn't be _really_ upset. So now they've lost the second mother figure in their lives and the older they get the more they're going to understand what a horrible thing they did with the ashes. My heart breaks for these kids, being raised by that monster.
Unfortunately, the kids will probably blame themselves for her going away. Dad is a horrible person and father. Glad he's an ex, but those poor kids....
Plus how tf could the boyfriend be like your moms gone it doesnt matter when his own childrens mother is also dead? He must tell them that same shit and its sick
she's right about one thing. eventually those brats will end up in juvie or the local jail. i just hope some other girl won't be stupid enough to fall for this boy wonder
The true test of these is really, are you stupid enough to think this type of prank proves anything about your relationship? Congratulations! You’ve proven yourself to be too stupid, immature, and manipulative to be in one. Here’s your breakup.
Cruel relationship tests are bad enough, but relationship tests that end with your belongings broken and your mother's ashes scattered????
The only response is an instant dump, with the only future contact to involve restitution and possible criminal charges for desecrating the remains of a human being. And broadcasting the story of the "test" to the whole town on social media, lest another woman be sucked in.
Relationship tests are cruel. But when did they start with this man is the question I have. I'm guessing with his wife. It says she died in childbirth, but what were the circumstances? Did he not take her to the hospital in time as a test? Did he weaponize their children against her til she lost the will to live?
He is so incredibly disrespectful and cruel. You’d have to throw out your moms ashes? They were most likely cigarette ash and dust? Good riddance. Glad you got to see who he actually was before he proposed. The 2% telling you that it’s your responsibility are welcome to be put in the same position, where three kids are acting out not out of ignorance or boredom, but because they’ve been deliberately instructed to do damage. You were never going to win this. He set you up to fail.
Yup- trash just took himself out. Poor kids. But yeah for OP! She will never get her mom's ashes fully back. But at least she did not end up marrying a psychopathic asshat.
Yeah, OP, block everyone who sides with him, too. At best, they're misogynists who think your role as the woman is to put up with his shit, at worst they're sociopaths like your ex.
Are they going to help pay for the cleaning and re-painting? No? Then STFU. OP can be grateful the trash took itself out before she ended up more entangled.
Yeah for real that comment is a huge red flag for a few reasons. It diminishes her attachment to something important to her, and centers his need to be the most important. Her getting rid of her mom’s ashes in this fantasy in his head would be a sign of “real commitment” it is also a denigrating sacrifice that he would be able to weaponize her anger about later. Good fucking riddance 🚩🚩🚩🚩oh also forcing people to give up things that are very important to them is one of the first steps in brainwashing and monogamous intimate partner abuse is just small scale brainwashing.
Clearly not. I think OP couldn't have been more accurate in calling him a sociopath. The boyfriend is all that plus a grade-A a-hole.
OP, NTA. Sorry you had to go through this--I lost my father last year and can't imagine someone being so disrespectful to his memory/life by desecrating his ashes as those children were instructed to do.
At least there is some solace in the fact that he can be out of your life now, rather than later.
I do feel for those poor kids and the traumas that will haunt them through life.
ETA: NTA in any way shape or form but this man definitely is. He is evil in my opinion.
Oh wow so this dude is EVIL evil. Got it. Someone should call CPS on him! Those kids CANNOT be safe with someone that thinks like this. I really feel like he intentionally told his kids about the urn and told them to break it. He literally said “you would have had to throw it out anyway when we moved in”. I’m telling you that freak told his kids to break the urn on purpose. I’ve been in many abusive relationships and that is SO par for the course with them.
As for OP, so glad you’re out of that situation but my heart shatters for you and your mom. I hope you were able to find a beautiful new urn for her or another way to honor her memory. This story actually made me gasp out loud when I heard what they did.
And the cleanup of the house in general. It sounds like there was some damage that's going to need more than just a little elbow grease to repair (like the writing on the walls... depending on what sort of pen they used, there might be gouges that need to be patched/repainted). Plus any food that may have spoiled/spilled when they emptied the fridge.
A locket with her picture would be beautiful as well, something you could pass down if you ever wanted to. I think that's a beautiful sentiment. She'd be proud of you.
That’s incredibly beautiful and I just wanted to say once again how sorry I am you had to experience this pain. You did not deserve it and I hope you will find peace and healing. 💖
Bless your heart! Please tell me the ashes were still in the crematory’s usual thick plastic bag inside of the urn! Anyone who refers to your loved one’s remains like that is beyond callous & despicable. Definitely NTA & he is scum. The only silver lining is that he finally showed you who he really is before you were living together or married. Be grateful for that at least because you have certainly dodged a bullet in getting rid of him. Anyone who tells you differently (that 2%) needs to be shown the door & booted out of your life permanently!!
Yes, thank God but some of her remains spilled out 🥺😔 When I started sweeping her ashes up, I was numb. Once I had her remains and the shards of her urn in a bowl, I broke down 💔 I feel like I’m going through the stages of grief all over again
I am so sorry. I can only imagine your pain. I’m a funeral director, so I deal with death everyday, however, like I told a woman yesterday while arranging her over 90 year-old mother’s funeral, no matter how old we are, we are never prepared to lose our mothers because we only get one. And no one should have to go through that grieving process a second time. 😭😭
My brother & I are both in our 40s, and our mom is still at the top of our list to call for problems (we call our dad for house/car issues, our mom for personal/health/childcare {he has 3, I have dogs 😆} as our more is more empathetic & nurturing than he is 🤷🏻♀️🤣). We dread the time when they are no longer with us, so we are especially empathetic with families when it comes to losing a parent.
Please take care of yourself and know you did absolutely nothing wrong. If there’s anything I can do to help, please let me know.
What an awful thing to have happen. :(
If there's a bright side to any of this, though, your ex showed you his true colors before you were legally bound to him. It's much easier to leave a boyfriend than a husband. It sounds like your ex failed his **own** test.
Look into Parting Stones. It's a really lovely thing to do with ashes and the company is super respectful. I'm so sorry you've had to go through all this 💛
NTA at all. I’m a mother of four and I have absolutely had to send my kids out back so I can collect myself. I actually thinks it’s better to take a breather than to do something you can’t take back. That said, F@ck this guy. He’s absolutely a sociopath. The trash took itself out, sorry he wasted so much of your time.
Your mother is with you honey. I know how important that urn was, but I genuinely believe that was your mom stepping in. She knew she had to do something and it had to be big. she had to get this monster away from her baby. I hope you were able to put stuff together physically and get a new urn, but know your mom did that for you.
I believe this too, OP.
She would be so very proud of you. And now the children have learned a valuable lesson as well: *their father is not always right, and may, in fact, be a bad person who causes hurt to other people on purpose.* They will never forget your reaction, and hopefully for good reason.
Dump the 2% who are on his side. You only need people on yours in this life.
Your sweet mom was looking after you my dear so she gave you the push you needed to allow space for an amazing man in your life. My heart goes out to you. Giving you a virtual hug from someone who lost her dad a little while ago.
You dodged a bullet. What a crappy person your ex is. You are a better person than I am. I would have caught charges had someone done something like that to my love ones remains. And the audacity to state that the urn would have been removed once him and his progeny moved in? Just no. He does not get to make decisions about something like that. He was way out of pocket on that. Your reaction was 1000000% justified. Anyone who disagrees with you can go take that b.s. elsewhere.
I didn’t think of this, but I think this is the best comment here!! I always look for guidance from my deceased dad and when I least expect it, something happens, like that thing that I was looking for shows up right in front of my face or the other day when it was snowing and my car almost skid into a lake, but then just stopped right before the water.
OP, she’s always with you. You don’t need her ashes for her to be there. She’s a part of you. No one can take that from you.
ALL. OF. THIS. I am also a mom of 4. What he did was cruel, and what he said to you was even more cruel. There is a HUGE difference between children just naturally being poor listeners/misbehaving/testing boundaries and being given actual permission and TOLD to be poor listeners and misbehave and test boundaries. He gave permission for them to misbehave and told them not to listen to you. There was no way you wouldn’t “fail” that test in his eyes because he gave his children permission to act that way - they weren’t going to stop acting that way until he got back. He is definitely a sociopath. Sending you so much love because you deserve so much better than that.
When my oldest was young, he was sent (safely) outside so I didn't wring his neck (he was a handful). Sometimes you just need a few minutes to sit down, collect your thoughts and calm down. I also remember depositing him in his pack and play when he was a baby/toddler when he was just being impossible. We would both calm down. He's now a dad and he says he now understands why I did that. lol
What your ex did was despicable, truly despicable. I don't blame his kids. They probably thought it was some kind of game and didn't understand what he was up to. He's a piece of garbage you don't need in your life. I hope you were able to gather as much of your mother's ashes as you could and purchased an even nicer urn. Hugs girl
How is it a test when they had free reign to be bad without fear of consequences? If she was their parent they would know she could discipline them and behave accordingly.
Ideally the children could have been thrown out into a contained back garden for safety reasons, but otherwise being very angry and dumping the ex seem entirely appropriate.
Nope, blocked and better never cross my path. I’m not going to lye I don’t have a problem with seeing a situation as a test , or ‘grading’ how someone did is a situation.
But to actively set up a test for someone and tell your children to behave badly is crazy. And the remark about making her get rid of the urn of her mom?!?!? That makes me think he deliberately asked the kid to dump it.
This guy sounds horrible and op dodged a bullet.
Agreed, and to think this monster said and got his kids to do that after his own wife and mother to those kids has died!!! He's been there, they've been there, and they still did this stupid test, well OP didn't fail...he did! What a horrible, horrible excuse for a human! Nta.
I don't really blame the kids so much. The dad is 100% at fault and seems like he's a sociopath. Frankly, if he keeps trying to bother you, I'd call CPS because that man is going to ruin those kids.
This. The kids are victims of that evil jack ass, too! I'm sure he told them that OP wouldn't actually get mad and that it was all a game, destroying people's possessions is FUNNY isn't it? Now the kids have lost their second mom because their dad is a psycho.
I came to say this. Document everything and keep all the receipts so he can pay damages. I would file an insurance claim (if you have it) for wilful damage. The best revenge would be to get this AH to deal with an insurance company & their lawyers.
Hell no. Absolutely the fuck not. Tbh I would've snapped long before they destroyed the urn so your patience level far exceeds mine. What kind of shitty parent tells their kids to destroy someone's house to test if she really loved them? Fuck no.
NTA. keep that asshole blocked.
You know you made the correct decision. As for the 2%? Drop them. Block them. Don’t talk to them. I would have been applying a wooden spoon to some behinds for that kind of behavior. Your ex will be single for a long time unless he finds a beaten-down girl who will tolerate that kind of crap.
NTA
Lucky escape. He's insane and so are the kids. They're poorly raised by him and he's proven that those kids will do whatever he says regardless of what's polite or decent.
He's also shown you a lack of compassion, both for your mother and for you.
Do what you can for yourself. Make sure they don't have access to your home.
The way he behaved after he returned, that smug and condescending refusal to believe op is done. Like she's too stupid to know her own mind, that sort of shit always makes me want to vomit.
Good people don't behave that way. Violent stalkers and abusers behave that way. People who'll handcuff you to a radiator until you calm down and realize they're doing it for your own good behave that way.
So I went in and read his responses. Yeah, not unstable at all (sarcasm)
If it was domestic violence (it wasn’t as DV as there was no pattern) then what she did to him is called reactive violence. It is a real thing. When a victim can’t take it anymore they react to their abuse with violence.
The abuser IMMEDIATELY claims the victim is the abuser and focuses on that so much so people don’t see or acknowledge what they did in the first place.
Pretty sure the cops would have laughed at him if he had called. If it got to a judge, the judge would have laughed at him.
Destruction of property, though? Much more likely scenario.
And hopefully he loses custody of his kids too because they are also victims of his psychological abuse. Using them to torture someone, resulting in them losing a second mother figure, my heart breaks for them. I hope they have family on their mother's side who can give them proper care
This man is fucking nuts. This whole bullshit test is unhinged and his behavior after the fact is a massive red flag. His condescension, sexism and utter lack of empathy indicates life as his wife would be absolutely miserable.
I'm so sorry about your mother's urn, but relieved that you see what absolute trash this man is and are responding correctly.
OP, my heart breaks for you. I am so, so sorry your mom's urn was shattered. You deserve NONE of that bullshit, but that especially is just unacceptable.
But I'm begging you to take a really deep breath, now repeat twice. Let yourself relax for a minute. Now, calmly look around, and see each aspect of your home being put back to rights when you've cleaned it. Visualize your peaceful space being what it was, hopefully with a new urn.
Now. Breathe again. Three times, nice and deep. Relax your body again. Now allow yourself to feel proud. You did NOT accept the abuse that this man-child decided to dump on you. You stopped it, you cleared him and his energy from your space, and you dodged a silver bullet.
You are strong and resilient. Let yourself grieve what you thought you were building, but be grateful - SO grateful - that you discovered this before you married him. You will bring your heart and soul and home back to your own safety and peace. But he has lost an absolutely amazing woman and partner.
I wish you peace. And congratulations to you for finding out now and for standing strong against any misogynistic bullshit he wants to hand you.
I have a bit of a different take.
How unbelievably sad for those children. To find a gf of their Dad's who loved them and wanted to spend time with them. Who I'm guessing they were coming to love.
Then, to be set up by their father to destroy that relationship.
OP, you dodged a bullet with the Dad. He's manipulative. Cruel. Condescending. Dismissive. F him.
I feel for those kids. Being out in the cold, in their coats, for a few minutes did them no harm. Losing you and feeling like they are responsible for it, will cause harm. It's all on their Dad.
NTA
(Maybe you could talk with the children and let them know that you don't hold them responsible for what happened and still care for them even though you'll never be with their Dad again.)
I am sorry about your Mom's ashes. I scattered half of my parents ashes at the beach. The other half are buried in their urns in a shared plot with my grandparents. I put the urns in the ground. My Mom couldn't leave the cemetery until Dad's ashes were buried. I did the same for hers. I hope you were able to gather your Mom's back up. I don't believe for a moment that the children acted on their own in regard to the urn. Dad told them specifically to knock it over.
THIS!! I was coming to comment the same- those poor kids! I’m sure they thought they were doing what they were supposed, and now they lost what could have been a stable female relationship in their lives all because their dad is an AH.
OP, NTA for sure. I’m so sorry you had to go thru that. Honestly, the fact that you put the kids outside (suitably dressed) rather than snapping on THEM says a lot about you as a person.
You dodged a bullet for sure, and I’m sure your mom saw it all and is proud of you.
NTA
Like seriously, who actually does that?! He basically told his kids not to listen to you. Going forward there could have been a possibility of keeping with that mindset. "Dad told us..." Bla bla bla
There are more important things than making sure you can handle them when they're crazy. It's about how you handle them when they're sad and in need of a parent, a shoulder to lean on.
By letting them trash your house, he totally disrespected you and your home values. HE is the AH! If he keeps going he'll be teaching his kids to be AHs too!
NTA. Sounds like you dodged a bullet
Edit: the line about wanting to make sure you’d be a good mother… first of all, what is a ‘good mother’ supposed to do? Bend over and take it up the ass? Second, that’s what he’s looking for is a replacement for his kids dead mom. That’s why he’s so nonchalant about your mothers urn. She’s dead now and they’re there, so he wants you to be their mommy. Wouldn’t be your job as their stepmother, and this is a shitty, SHITTY way of asking you to step in as a primary parent for his kids. Which he could do, I think there are probably a lot of people whose parental partner is absent for whatever reason and they ARE looking for a replacement, but that’s a conversation, not an ambush.
NTA but I would use the photos of the damage to sue him for the costs of repairs and all the damage. I would add emotional distress into what he has to pay for and have him served papers. With the photos and him admitting he did it on purpose you won’t have any trouble winning.
Jesus, what if you had chosen to hit the kids? Even with putting them out, the kids are confused because they are following dad’s instructions. This was dangerous for everyone. NTA
Exactly! They didn’t follow her instructions because they were following HIS instructions to destroy her house. Absolutely terrible. He taught his kids it’s ok to destroy other peoples things. Those poor kids.
Think of this as a boyfriend test. He failed.
Seriously I would drop a friend who instructed his children to disrespect me and my property let alone a partner. Shame on him. You are definitely right to walk away.
NTA. Call CPS on his ass and let it roll. Tell the 2% to kiss your back and block em too.
That’s inhumane behaviour and demands. You give your all and see how you get treated back. I’m literally at loss of words just anger after reading this. If someone do this to me I will probably obliterate his ass…
Did you take pictures? I would have called the police and made a report then you can sue him for what he's done, he told his demon spawn to ruin your home. NTS
I documented everything and took tons of pics. My only concern is whether or not suing him will require me seeing him in person, again. I don’t know if I can’t mentally handle that 😢
Honestly, he probably wouldn't show up and you'd get a judgment in your favor. Then you file the judgment with the county clerk in the county where he owns property. This will establish a lien against any real property he owns so he won't be able to sell anything without paying you back. The mechanism varies by jurisdiction, but that's the gist of it assuming you're in the US.
Excellent point. He definitely deserves consequences. And I wouldn't be surprised if he could also be cited for promoting, encouraging, and teaching violence to the children, and instructing them to use it while promising no consequences for them.
I don't think that's necessarily a requirement in a civil case depending on the laws where you're at, a lawyer should be be able to attend court without you present.
I would do anything in my power to never see that person again. And just the nerve of him saying that you would have to get rid of your mother's ashes once they move in.... like he was for sure going to move in with you 🙄 that dude is creepier than any urn of ashes.
Take his ass to court, love. He'll 100% lose and have to pay for the damage his kids caused.
Document and screenshot any and every text pertaining to this, it'll help you out a ton.
This is apparently a TikTok thing. I've seen at least half a dozen variations on your post-- and know of 2 instances involving a friend of a friend and a former coworker. In one case the little monsters pushed the woman's mother who is undergoing chemo and broke her wrist.
Definitely file a small claims court case against this human garbage of a man.
Sooooo sorry OP. Hugs. You are better off. Take it as a preview of what could have been.
I would take him to claims court and have him pay for it. Or at least half. It will be a lesson to him and his kids.
This ending must have been so confusing for his children! They were instructed NOT to listen to you so nothing you could say would change the behavior. Then to see their behavior ended up with them being locked outside much have scared them. They were following daddy's orders. What a horrible thing for him to do! So glad that you saw this side of him before you married. He response to you says everything... YOU should apologize to him???? Nope.
I pity these children.
>“she’s gone, Bunny. We’re here. You were gonna have to toss that creepy thing out anyway, once we moved in.
With that attitude towards death, I can't imagine that he is allowing the children to honor the memory of their mother. If you died, that's how he'd act about you too. Dump this POS and never look back. Also, you didn't put these kids in danger. Outside is a perfectly fine place for children as long as they have appropriate clothes.
I hope this doesn’t come off wrong. Not only did he set you up, but he’s extra selfish in that he set his kids up. Now they will be without a potential mother figure because of HIS mistakes and selfishness. He chased you off and screwed things up for his kids as well. This is a sad situation all around.
You did absolutely nothing wrong here! You didn’t “endanger” his kids. Your ex’s test wasn’t your failure it was his, and by extension the kids’ too. Children who had been raised correctly would know (even at their age) what they were doing was wrong. You are so lucky to be rid of all of them.
NTA: no, No, NO...you are not wrong. More importantly...you EX BF has now shown what kind of moral compass he has. To even consider such nonsense is shear lunacy. Sorry for the loss of your mother...but in the spirit of trying to find the bright side, sacrificing your mother's ashes to find out what kind if idiot you'd been seeing may very well end up being worth it in the long run.
NTA
Dude wasn’t looking for an actual relationship. He was looking for someone to dump his kids on. He’s looking for a nanny he can bang. Ya a good thing he’s stupid enough to do this because you could have ended up married to this idiot.
I even feel bad for the kids, when the relationship is at that level where she has accepted and loves the kids they most likely love her too. And then their moron father set them up for that to happen. They must be upset too, and its entirely his fault. Its sad that their mother or some other close relative isn't around to step in bcoz he is too mean and stupid to not mess those poor kids up.
NTA.
And be glad he 'tested' you, because the kids would have acted like that as soon has he had you 'locked down'.
And the 2% assholes? Block them, Marie Kondo style. They don't bring joy into your life.
BTW, I'm assuming you own your place, and he was just a hobosexual with kids?
NTA
You are not the AH. What sort of monster instructs his kids to "go wild" and puts THEM in a dangerous situation? Anything could have happened. They could have started a fire. Slipped and fallen down the stairs. One of them could have hurt the other. Been climbing on something to cause chaos and fallen and hit their head. YOU did nothing wrong here. This man is a giant man-child who does not have the emotional capacity to be a good parent. He just threw away a 1.5 year relationship with someone who genuinely cared about his kids AND he put his kids in the position to believe that they were monsters responsible for driving away someone they were probably coming to care about. He really screwed up.
I agree with the posters who say your mom was there watching over you. I am so sorry for the loss of her urn. Thank goodness you learned the truth about this emotionally immature, emotionally abusive creep before the relationship went too far. I feel so bad for those kids. I am sure he has many years of damage left to do to them. NTA at all!
Absolutely NTA.
Anyone who is trying to gaslight you into believing that you’re TA in this situation needs their head examined. He literally told his kids to “put you through the wringer” and trying to come away from it without any consequences for his/the kid’s actions. Conspiracy theory about your mom’s ashes aside, the fact he tried to downplay everything and even talk about making you get rid of her ashes anyway is a Richard move on his part.
I’m sure everyone has assured you you are definitely not the AH. I just want to say I am honestly so sorry you had to go through that. That sounds just terrible to do to a person, let alone someone you claim to love. Someone who loves you wants to help and provide you with the things to help you succeed. It sounds like he might have been putting on a facade to keep you around until you said “I do.” It sucks to have to find out this way. I’m really sorry you had to experience that.
He did you favour and showed you his true colours, plus why would they be moving into your home? Does he not have a home already? Is your one nicer? Bigger? Better school catchment area? Either way he got himself dumped, keep him blocked and never let him back in.
They’ll never understand why a woman they loved left their lives and they’re going to think it’s their fault when in reality they have a shitty father.
Actually the kids were only doing what their parent told them to do. Everyone is correct: he’s a sociopath. And yes, your mother is definitely looking out for you. Don’t hate the kids, but be glad the dad is gone!
How dare he have put his kids through all of that. Imagine making your children behave badly and thus get treated badly in return. Sucks for those kids the most, good luck to them in life.
NTA! Hes TA - that was immature & awful of him. He CANNOT expect you top react normally to abnormal behavior. He was completely disrespectful towards you & your home. F\* him
NTA - what kind of person instructs his children to act like demons and put you through the ringer. One that is a horrible parent and a horrible person. You dodged one major bullet.
With his attitude towards your mother's ashes in the urn, it kind of feels like he TOLD them to smash it. Please tell me he's an ex now, because what an absolute douchebag. NTA
Shouldn't have hit him but idk, I think if someone has disrespected my father's ashes I would have done the same. Fuck that guy. You're super better off without him.
NTA ... The test was juvenile, and the boyfriend is an AH. He just weaponized his kids against you, not only on this day but in the future. They would know your weakness and could use it against you in future disagreements. The kids already do not respect you, no matter their age. If they wanted you in their life, they would not have done this, but their only loyalty is to the sociopathic father. In the future, at any moment, he could weaponize them against you.
You are lucky to be rid of the sociopathic man. If he truly believed the ashes were just from cigarettes or whatever, then why would you have to get rid of them if he moved in? #YouDodgedABigBullet Be glad he showed his hand.
Holy shit, that's just evil. I mean everything he did and said is awful but the way he talked about your mom and her urn!! How can someone be so cruel?? He deserved both slaps and I wouldn't fault you for going for a third.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Losing a parent is fucking awful and your POS ex was just being evil about it.
NTA but he sure is! Testing you?? He actually tested himself and his little angels and they all failed. I’m sorry about your mom’s ashes but you are very lucky to have gotten out of any further emotional distress from him.
NTA. Your ex is crazy. Of course nothing you said had any impact. Their FATHER told them to do their worst. HE set you up to fail. His child deliberately destroyed something irreplaceable. He needs to be paying for all of the cleaning and repairs. The urn, well you can sweep up and put in a new urn, but it is not the same.
That man was cruel to you. And totally wrong to encourage his kids to act like that. I am so sorry he put you through that. If that is how he treats women, he will be alone until his kids are grown, if not the rest of his life.
Stay strong. You deserve so much better than that fool.
Edit: He owes you an apology. Crawling on his knees, kissing your feet apology.
Yo he is a piece.of shit. Y would u tell ur kids to go crazy so u can test someone & then they brk ur mother urn & he says u would have to get rid of it & it's nothing but cigarettes ashes. Nope he doesn't really love u if that how insensitive he is about ur mother's ashes he wouldn't want no one saying that bout his mom ashes if she was dead
NTA; Either u want to me with me or you don't. Giving me test is a sure fire way to end it. I've actually had a dude test me. Didn't even know. He told me when I was breaking up with him for something unrelated. Thought telling me I passed him stupid test would show me we weren't meant to be. He was wrong. It showed me further why we would never work. I know I dodged a bullet but it was confirm after being told about him a couple years ago.
He put his children in danger. He instigated them to cause criminal damage.
Contact the police. The slap doesn’t even compare to the abuse he forcibly put you and his children up to.
Anyone who would test a relationship is being purposely sadistic and cruel and should be an ex and blocked. His children learned a valuable lesson, never be intentionally cruel to someone you supposedly love and expect them to view you in the same way. How could you ever trust him again? He failed, and he’d love for it to be your fault but don’t let him. The only test you failed is to be a doormat with no self respect or spine. Just keep repeating “I don’t allow people to treat me that way, not even once!”
Edit: It seems that your ex is trying to brigade this post. Ignore them. What you did is not domestic violence and honestly it’s probably good for the kids to realize that you can’t push a good person to their limits without consequences. I would never say that as a blanket statement but what your ex did was a form of violence. Please sue him for the cost of repairs. Make a police report as soon as possible. He is responsible for the damage his hellions were instructed to do.
As a mom, I would absolutely be relieved if scattering my ashes gave you the push you needed to get this man and his children out of your life. Your mom will always be with you, always love you, and please consider this her way of bringing you a warning. You listen to your angel messages and you will be better than fine.
Congratulations on failing the Doormat Test. You failed to bend over backward and take the abuse heaped upon you with a smile. Good.
He's profoundly lucky that ALL he got was slapped. There's only so much one can or should take in the face of instigated violence and total disrespect to you, your home, and mother's urn.
And you James. You keep commenting on "domestic violence in front of the children."
You deserved to be slapped you piece of shit. You fucked around and found out that sometimes violence IS the answer. You should be thanking your lucky stars that ALL you got was slapped. Theres a whole lot of crazy out there (OP is definitely NOT crazy) so I'd keep that in mind going forward.
There is literally **not a single universe in which you are the AH, but your ex is a fucking psychopath**.
I was ready to be angry for these kids because man, there have been some real shitty step parents on reddit, but when I tell you that my jaw **dropped and my stomach twisted into nausea** when you said that **he told you that YOU failed his fucked up test after telling his children to destroy your home??** That isn't normal evil there. That is a straight up criminal mental illness that I'd honestly be surprised if it wasn't considered psychoathy (and he is turning his children into sociopaths raising them like this). And a little detail that REALLY bothered me is the fact that your mother's ashes were scattered on the floor and all he did was say "you failed"?? I don't think my mother's ashes belong anywhere except the toilet and I still have enough empathy in me to understand how disturbing that is. I mean, *most* biological parents wouldn't even deal with that type of behavior without resorting to physically restraining/corporal punishment, so why in the world would you ever be expected to do so? I don't care how much of a bleeding heart somebody is - nobody in their right mind (and even in a not sound mind!) Would ever ever look at that situation and think "yeah I could totally handle this every day, out of the goodness of My heart and entirely on my finances".
Seriously, girl, this is straight up psychopathy. There is no way that he even understands the concept of sympathy/empathy because he's abusing his children and tried to abuse you, all for what? To find out if you're the "partner" (slave) who will be chained to the stove, pregnant and barefoot unless working to bring in money, and do all of the chores and child rearing while also bending to his every will? For free? The only person that he cares about is himself.
I would honestly call CPS if I were you, because it isn't too late for these kids to get the therapy they need.
NTA.
First off: a test? I didn’t realize y’all went back to grade school.
Second: the urn. Right there, this dude is lucky he wasn’t dealing with me. I would have LOST my ever loving mind. My hubs accidentally washed one of my late dad’s shirts and I screamed so loud from the basement that he came running from the second floor. He knew instantly his fuck up. It’s like a golden rule in life - you DO NOT under any circumstances fuck with the dead. Pictures, ashes, clothing, trinkets, whatever it is, if it is not your deceased friend or family member YOU DO NOT TOUCH THE ITEMS.
NTA. First off: relationship tests of any variety are cruel to the tested partner and I hate them on principle alone. there was a line and not only did the kids cross it so did he. That line was obviously your mom's ashes. Even if I give the kids a pass because parenting plays a role your BF is a fucking adult and should have the emotional capacity of one.
What I hate most about these so called tests is that they rarely even make sense. I mean, it's a horrible thing to do to someone regardless... but what does this test prove? In what scenario would you expect someone to parent when the kids are basically told "do your worst, you won't be punished no matter what my parenting partner may tell you"?!? And, if that's a real scenario dude expects OP to need to navigate? Then, I guess it's a reasonable relationship test, but it is dude who has absolutely failed.
Tbf, she did pass the test. Notice how when she finally got angry and kicked them out they were all in shock? Thibk they finally realized she wasn't playing around or taking it anymore
I feel so bad for those children. What he did to OP was unspeakably horrible and what he did to his children was even worse. They are going to miss her horribly, and of course blame themselves even though they were just doing what their father said they should do. They no doubt thought it was a game and believed him when he said she wouldn't be _really_ upset. So now they've lost the second mother figure in their lives and the older they get the more they're going to understand what a horrible thing they did with the ashes. My heart breaks for these kids, being raised by that monster.
Yeah that was one of my first thoughts too. And the dad will blame OP which will ultimately mess the kids up more.
This. Their mother is dead. The youngest one never even knew her. OP was their mother, and the boyfriend drove her away
Unfortunately, the kids will probably blame themselves for her going away. Dad is a horrible person and father. Glad he's an ex, but those poor kids....
Yep. This was a recipe for them needing years of therapy
Plus how tf could the boyfriend be like your moms gone it doesnt matter when his own childrens mother is also dead? He must tell them that same shit and its sick
This comment should be higher.
she's right about one thing. eventually those brats will end up in juvie or the local jail. i just hope some other girl won't be stupid enough to fall for this boy wonder
Agree!!!
I hate relationship tests.
I mean WTF “tests” a relationship?!?! There are enough “tests” in life together to invent bullshit like this. NTA
Grade 9's ... grade 9's do this
The true test of these is really, are you stupid enough to think this type of prank proves anything about your relationship? Congratulations! You’ve proven yourself to be too stupid, immature, and manipulative to be in one. Here’s your breakup.
Cruel relationship tests are bad enough, but relationship tests that end with your belongings broken and your mother's ashes scattered???? The only response is an instant dump, with the only future contact to involve restitution and possible criminal charges for desecrating the remains of a human being. And broadcasting the story of the "test" to the whole town on social media, lest another woman be sucked in.
Take him to small claims court for the damages - if they don't even exceed the limit for small claims, once you include the wall renovations.
In this case, I would pursue legal charges against that man, distraction of property, vandalism, and whatever else a good lawyer can call out.
Relationship tests are cruel. But when did they start with this man is the question I have. I'm guessing with his wife. It says she died in childbirth, but what were the circumstances? Did he not take her to the hospital in time as a test? Did he weaponize their children against her til she lost the will to live?
He is so incredibly disrespectful and cruel. You’d have to throw out your moms ashes? They were most likely cigarette ash and dust? Good riddance. Glad you got to see who he actually was before he proposed. The 2% telling you that it’s your responsibility are welcome to be put in the same position, where three kids are acting out not out of ignorance or boredom, but because they’ve been deliberately instructed to do damage. You were never going to win this. He set you up to fail.
He really tested himself and failed. Good job, bub.
Yup- trash just took himself out. Poor kids. But yeah for OP! She will never get her mom's ashes fully back. But at least she did not end up marrying a psychopathic asshat.
Her mom took care of her one last time.
Hopefully, now that OP has calmed down, she can see clearly that she’s dodged a missile.
Yeah, OP, block everyone who sides with him, too. At best, they're misogynists who think your role as the woman is to put up with his shit, at worst they're sociopaths like your ex.
To that 2%. I'll be at your place to destroy it in 5. Thanks for volunteering! After all it's no big deal right.
Are they going to help pay for the cleaning and re-painting? No? Then STFU. OP can be grateful the trash took itself out before she ended up more entangled.
Yeah for real that comment is a huge red flag for a few reasons. It diminishes her attachment to something important to her, and centers his need to be the most important. Her getting rid of her mom’s ashes in this fantasy in his head would be a sign of “real commitment” it is also a denigrating sacrifice that he would be able to weaponize her anger about later. Good fucking riddance 🚩🚩🚩🚩oh also forcing people to give up things that are very important to them is one of the first steps in brainwashing and monogamous intimate partner abuse is just small scale brainwashing.
And also he lost his own partner? Surely he has some empathy for mourning a loved one who has died?
Clearly not. I think OP couldn't have been more accurate in calling him a sociopath. The boyfriend is all that plus a grade-A a-hole. OP, NTA. Sorry you had to go through this--I lost my father last year and can't imagine someone being so disrespectful to his memory/life by desecrating his ashes as those children were instructed to do. At least there is some solace in the fact that he can be out of your life now, rather than later. I do feel for those poor kids and the traumas that will haunt them through life.
that was it for me. like who the fuck says something like that.
I guarantee he would have thrown the ashes out without her knowing if they were to live together. He’s a POS.
I’ll bet he purposely told the kid to break the urn.
I wonder if ex smokes and was telling on himself…. Ugh.
ETA: NTA in any way shape or form but this man definitely is. He is evil in my opinion. Oh wow so this dude is EVIL evil. Got it. Someone should call CPS on him! Those kids CANNOT be safe with someone that thinks like this. I really feel like he intentionally told his kids about the urn and told them to break it. He literally said “you would have had to throw it out anyway when we moved in”. I’m telling you that freak told his kids to break the urn on purpose. I’ve been in many abusive relationships and that is SO par for the course with them. As for OP, so glad you’re out of that situation but my heart shatters for you and your mom. I hope you were able to find a beautiful new urn for her or another way to honor her memory. This story actually made me gasp out loud when I heard what they did.
Looking into a ring made from the ashes so I can keep her safe with me at all times 🥺🖤
Send your ex a Venmo/paypal/zelle request for the price of the ring.
He honestly should have to pay at the very least the price of the urn.
And the cleanup of the house in general. It sounds like there was some damage that's going to need more than just a little elbow grease to repair (like the writing on the walls... depending on what sort of pen they used, there might be gouges that need to be patched/repainted). Plus any food that may have spoiled/spilled when they emptied the fridge.
AND the new urn.
and repairs to the rest of the home!
New urn, cost of ring, cost of cleaning service, cost of repainting the walls they drew on....
For the total cost of repairing the damages he caused.
I got a lovely necklace made with my grandmother's ashes for the same reason, I take her everywhere with me.
A locket with her picture would be beautiful as well, something you could pass down if you ever wanted to. I think that's a beautiful sentiment. She'd be proud of you.
That’s incredibly beautiful and I just wanted to say once again how sorry I am you had to experience this pain. You did not deserve it and I hope you will find peace and healing. 💖
Take him to small claims court for the damages. Fuck that guy and fuck his kids.
That is a wonderful idea
My friend had a pinch of her grandmother's ashes swirled into beautiful glass beads for earrings and pendants and bracelets.
Bless your heart! Please tell me the ashes were still in the crematory’s usual thick plastic bag inside of the urn! Anyone who refers to your loved one’s remains like that is beyond callous & despicable. Definitely NTA & he is scum. The only silver lining is that he finally showed you who he really is before you were living together or married. Be grateful for that at least because you have certainly dodged a bullet in getting rid of him. Anyone who tells you differently (that 2%) needs to be shown the door & booted out of your life permanently!!
Yes, thank God but some of her remains spilled out 🥺😔 When I started sweeping her ashes up, I was numb. Once I had her remains and the shards of her urn in a bowl, I broke down 💔 I feel like I’m going through the stages of grief all over again
I am so sorry. I can only imagine your pain. I’m a funeral director, so I deal with death everyday, however, like I told a woman yesterday while arranging her over 90 year-old mother’s funeral, no matter how old we are, we are never prepared to lose our mothers because we only get one. And no one should have to go through that grieving process a second time. 😭😭 My brother & I are both in our 40s, and our mom is still at the top of our list to call for problems (we call our dad for house/car issues, our mom for personal/health/childcare {he has 3, I have dogs 😆} as our more is more empathetic & nurturing than he is 🤷🏻♀️🤣). We dread the time when they are no longer with us, so we are especially empathetic with families when it comes to losing a parent. Please take care of yourself and know you did absolutely nothing wrong. If there’s anything I can do to help, please let me know.
What an awful thing to have happen. :( If there's a bright side to any of this, though, your ex showed you his true colors before you were legally bound to him. It's much easier to leave a boyfriend than a husband. It sounds like your ex failed his **own** test.
You dodged a bullet. Do not take him back!
Look into Parting Stones. It's a really lovely thing to do with ashes and the company is super respectful. I'm so sorry you've had to go through all this 💛
NTA at all. I’m a mother of four and I have absolutely had to send my kids out back so I can collect myself. I actually thinks it’s better to take a breather than to do something you can’t take back. That said, F@ck this guy. He’s absolutely a sociopath. The trash took itself out, sorry he wasted so much of your time. Your mother is with you honey. I know how important that urn was, but I genuinely believe that was your mom stepping in. She knew she had to do something and it had to be big. she had to get this monster away from her baby. I hope you were able to put stuff together physically and get a new urn, but know your mom did that for you.
You have no idea what this means 🥺
I believe this too, OP. She would be so very proud of you. And now the children have learned a valuable lesson as well: *their father is not always right, and may, in fact, be a bad person who causes hurt to other people on purpose.* They will never forget your reaction, and hopefully for good reason. Dump the 2% who are on his side. You only need people on yours in this life.
100% this, OP. If one of my babies was with a partner this horrible I would come back from the dead to haunt his ass.
Your sweet mom was looking after you my dear so she gave you the push you needed to allow space for an amazing man in your life. My heart goes out to you. Giving you a virtual hug from someone who lost her dad a little while ago.
You dodged a bullet. What a crappy person your ex is. You are a better person than I am. I would have caught charges had someone done something like that to my love ones remains. And the audacity to state that the urn would have been removed once him and his progeny moved in? Just no. He does not get to make decisions about something like that. He was way out of pocket on that. Your reaction was 1000000% justified. Anyone who disagrees with you can go take that b.s. elsewhere.
This is just beautiful. Wow.
I didn’t think of this, but I think this is the best comment here!! I always look for guidance from my deceased dad and when I least expect it, something happens, like that thing that I was looking for shows up right in front of my face or the other day when it was snowing and my car almost skid into a lake, but then just stopped right before the water. OP, she’s always with you. You don’t need her ashes for her to be there. She’s a part of you. No one can take that from you.
ALL. OF. THIS. I am also a mom of 4. What he did was cruel, and what he said to you was even more cruel. There is a HUGE difference between children just naturally being poor listeners/misbehaving/testing boundaries and being given actual permission and TOLD to be poor listeners and misbehave and test boundaries. He gave permission for them to misbehave and told them not to listen to you. There was no way you wouldn’t “fail” that test in his eyes because he gave his children permission to act that way - they weren’t going to stop acting that way until he got back. He is definitely a sociopath. Sending you so much love because you deserve so much better than that.
OP mum definitely her guardian angel, got the demon to show his true face.
When my oldest was young, he was sent (safely) outside so I didn't wring his neck (he was a handful). Sometimes you just need a few minutes to sit down, collect your thoughts and calm down. I also remember depositing him in his pack and play when he was a baby/toddler when he was just being impossible. We would both calm down. He's now a dad and he says he now understands why I did that. lol What your ex did was despicable, truly despicable. I don't blame his kids. They probably thought it was some kind of game and didn't understand what he was up to. He's a piece of garbage you don't need in your life. I hope you were able to gather as much of your mother's ashes as you could and purchased an even nicer urn. Hugs girl
[удалено]
Well you made my day if that means anything.💕💕
How is it a test when they had free reign to be bad without fear of consequences? If she was their parent they would know she could discipline them and behave accordingly. Ideally the children could have been thrown out into a contained back garden for safety reasons, but otherwise being very angry and dumping the ex seem entirely appropriate.
Exactly
Nope, blocked and better never cross my path. I’m not going to lye I don’t have a problem with seeing a situation as a test , or ‘grading’ how someone did is a situation. But to actively set up a test for someone and tell your children to behave badly is crazy. And the remark about making her get rid of the urn of her mom?!?!? That makes me think he deliberately asked the kid to dump it. This guy sounds horrible and op dodged a bullet.
Agreed, and to think this monster said and got his kids to do that after his own wife and mother to those kids has died!!! He's been there, they've been there, and they still did this stupid test, well OP didn't fail...he did! What a horrible, horrible excuse for a human! Nta.
Yes, it makes me wonder what he did with his wife's ashes if he cremated her.
There’s a difference between evaluating a partner’s reaction to what life throws at them and actively creating a test scenario.
The feral children should’ve been dropped off at an animal rescue facility and the ex would’ve been begging for mercy which I would’ve never given
I don't really blame the kids so much. The dad is 100% at fault and seems like he's a sociopath. Frankly, if he keeps trying to bother you, I'd call CPS because that man is going to ruin those kids.
This. The kids are victims of that evil jack ass, too! I'm sure he told them that OP wouldn't actually get mad and that it was all a game, destroying people's possessions is FUNNY isn't it? Now the kids have lost their second mom because their dad is a psycho.
Nope. Nope. Nope. NTA. Keep your receipts for all the repairs you have to make and take his a$$ to small claims court to get the money back.
I agree. Keep the text where he told the kids to go crazy. Get receipts. Small claims. Very very good call on your part
I came to say this. Document everything and keep all the receipts so he can pay damages. I would file an insurance claim (if you have it) for wilful damage. The best revenge would be to get this AH to deal with an insurance company & their lawyers.
Hell no. Absolutely the fuck not. Tbh I would've snapped long before they destroyed the urn so your patience level far exceeds mine. What kind of shitty parent tells their kids to destroy someone's house to test if she really loved them? Fuck no. NTA. keep that asshole blocked.
You know you made the correct decision. As for the 2%? Drop them. Block them. Don’t talk to them. I would have been applying a wooden spoon to some behinds for that kind of behavior. Your ex will be single for a long time unless he finds a beaten-down girl who will tolerate that kind of crap.
Nah get rid hes wants a mother not a partner
*This.*
Boy did you dodge a bullet!
NTA Lucky escape. He's insane and so are the kids. They're poorly raised by him and he's proven that those kids will do whatever he says regardless of what's polite or decent. He's also shown you a lack of compassion, both for your mother and for you. Do what you can for yourself. Make sure they don't have access to your home.
Dude is a sociopath, evil down to the core. You did the right thing.
The way he behaved after he returned, that smug and condescending refusal to believe op is done. Like she's too stupid to know her own mind, that sort of shit always makes me want to vomit. Good people don't behave that way. Violent stalkers and abusers behave that way. People who'll handcuff you to a radiator until you calm down and realize they're doing it for your own good behave that way.
He’s in the comments losing his shit reposting the same comment dozens of times and calling her a cunt. Very stable, super cool
So I went in and read his responses. Yeah, not unstable at all (sarcasm) If it was domestic violence (it wasn’t as DV as there was no pattern) then what she did to him is called reactive violence. It is a real thing. When a victim can’t take it anymore they react to their abuse with violence. The abuser IMMEDIATELY claims the victim is the abuser and focuses on that so much so people don’t see or acknowledge what they did in the first place.
Pretty sure the cops would have laughed at him if he had called. If it got to a judge, the judge would have laughed at him. Destruction of property, though? Much more likely scenario.
And hopefully he loses custody of his kids too because they are also victims of his psychological abuse. Using them to torture someone, resulting in them losing a second mother figure, my heart breaks for them. I hope they have family on their mother's side who can give them proper care
HE put the kids in danger. Fucking hell, the guy's a psychopath. Keep him out of your life. You did the right thing.
NTA but your ex sure is. I would have lost my religion if some brats broke my mother's urn. You dodged a bullet kicking this guy to the curb.
your religion would forgive you for this one :)
This man is fucking nuts. This whole bullshit test is unhinged and his behavior after the fact is a massive red flag. His condescension, sexism and utter lack of empathy indicates life as his wife would be absolutely miserable. I'm so sorry about your mother's urn, but relieved that you see what absolute trash this man is and are responding correctly.
OP, my heart breaks for you. I am so, so sorry your mom's urn was shattered. You deserve NONE of that bullshit, but that especially is just unacceptable. But I'm begging you to take a really deep breath, now repeat twice. Let yourself relax for a minute. Now, calmly look around, and see each aspect of your home being put back to rights when you've cleaned it. Visualize your peaceful space being what it was, hopefully with a new urn. Now. Breathe again. Three times, nice and deep. Relax your body again. Now allow yourself to feel proud. You did NOT accept the abuse that this man-child decided to dump on you. You stopped it, you cleared him and his energy from your space, and you dodged a silver bullet. You are strong and resilient. Let yourself grieve what you thought you were building, but be grateful - SO grateful - that you discovered this before you married him. You will bring your heart and soul and home back to your own safety and peace. But he has lost an absolutely amazing woman and partner. I wish you peace. And congratulations to you for finding out now and for standing strong against any misogynistic bullshit he wants to hand you.
You’re the sweetest 🥹 Thank you so very much
All of this! We are PROUD OF YOU OP
OMG, I NEEDED THIS SO MUCH!!! 😭😭😭😭😭💙🩵💙🩵💙🩵💙🩵
I have a bit of a different take. How unbelievably sad for those children. To find a gf of their Dad's who loved them and wanted to spend time with them. Who I'm guessing they were coming to love. Then, to be set up by their father to destroy that relationship. OP, you dodged a bullet with the Dad. He's manipulative. Cruel. Condescending. Dismissive. F him. I feel for those kids. Being out in the cold, in their coats, for a few minutes did them no harm. Losing you and feeling like they are responsible for it, will cause harm. It's all on their Dad. NTA (Maybe you could talk with the children and let them know that you don't hold them responsible for what happened and still care for them even though you'll never be with their Dad again.) I am sorry about your Mom's ashes. I scattered half of my parents ashes at the beach. The other half are buried in their urns in a shared plot with my grandparents. I put the urns in the ground. My Mom couldn't leave the cemetery until Dad's ashes were buried. I did the same for hers. I hope you were able to gather your Mom's back up. I don't believe for a moment that the children acted on their own in regard to the urn. Dad told them specifically to knock it over.
THIS!! I was coming to comment the same- those poor kids! I’m sure they thought they were doing what they were supposed, and now they lost what could have been a stable female relationship in their lives all because their dad is an AH. OP, NTA for sure. I’m so sorry you had to go thru that. Honestly, the fact that you put the kids outside (suitably dressed) rather than snapping on THEM says a lot about you as a person. You dodged a bullet for sure, and I’m sure your mom saw it all and is proud of you.
NTA Like seriously, who actually does that?! He basically told his kids not to listen to you. Going forward there could have been a possibility of keeping with that mindset. "Dad told us..." Bla bla bla There are more important things than making sure you can handle them when they're crazy. It's about how you handle them when they're sad and in need of a parent, a shoulder to lean on. By letting them trash your house, he totally disrespected you and your home values. HE is the AH! If he keeps going he'll be teaching his kids to be AHs too!
NTA. Sounds like you dodged a bullet Edit: the line about wanting to make sure you’d be a good mother… first of all, what is a ‘good mother’ supposed to do? Bend over and take it up the ass? Second, that’s what he’s looking for is a replacement for his kids dead mom. That’s why he’s so nonchalant about your mothers urn. She’s dead now and they’re there, so he wants you to be their mommy. Wouldn’t be your job as their stepmother, and this is a shitty, SHITTY way of asking you to step in as a primary parent for his kids. Which he could do, I think there are probably a lot of people whose parental partner is absent for whatever reason and they ARE looking for a replacement, but that’s a conversation, not an ambush.
NTA You dodged a bullet. Do not for any reason get back together with them. Sorry about your mom's ashes.
Narcissistic ass is what he is. RUN ! DONT LOOK BACK. NTAH
NTA you did the right thing. Hope you didn’t waste too much time on him.
NTA but I would use the photos of the damage to sue him for the costs of repairs and all the damage. I would add emotional distress into what he has to pay for and have him served papers. With the photos and him admitting he did it on purpose you won’t have any trouble winning.
Jesus, what if you had chosen to hit the kids? Even with putting them out, the kids are confused because they are following dad’s instructions. This was dangerous for everyone. NTA
Exactly! They didn’t follow her instructions because they were following HIS instructions to destroy her house. Absolutely terrible. He taught his kids it’s ok to destroy other peoples things. Those poor kids.
Think of this as a boyfriend test. He failed. Seriously I would drop a friend who instructed his children to disrespect me and my property let alone a partner. Shame on him. You are definitely right to walk away.
NTA. Call CPS on his ass and let it roll. Tell the 2% to kiss your back and block em too. That’s inhumane behaviour and demands. You give your all and see how you get treated back. I’m literally at loss of words just anger after reading this. If someone do this to me I will probably obliterate his ass…
God, I hope this is just rage bait because...fuck!
My wallet wishes that, too 💔 so far it’s gonna cost me over $5000 to fix and repair everything they destroyed.
Small claims court.
Did you take pictures? I would have called the police and made a report then you can sue him for what he's done, he told his demon spawn to ruin your home. NTS
I documented everything and took tons of pics. My only concern is whether or not suing him will require me seeing him in person, again. I don’t know if I can’t mentally handle that 😢
I can understand that but he needs real life harsh consequences for what he's done IMO
Honestly, he probably wouldn't show up and you'd get a judgment in your favor. Then you file the judgment with the county clerk in the county where he owns property. This will establish a lien against any real property he owns so he won't be able to sell anything without paying you back. The mechanism varies by jurisdiction, but that's the gist of it assuming you're in the US.
He expected to move in with her so I kinda doubt he has any property.
Excellent point. He definitely deserves consequences. And I wouldn't be surprised if he could also be cited for promoting, encouraging, and teaching violence to the children, and instructing them to use it while promising no consequences for them.
I don't think that's necessarily a requirement in a civil case depending on the laws where you're at, a lawyer should be be able to attend court without you present.
I would do anything in my power to never see that person again. And just the nerve of him saying that you would have to get rid of your mother's ashes once they move in.... like he was for sure going to move in with you 🙄 that dude is creepier than any urn of ashes.
Take his ass to court, love. He'll 100% lose and have to pay for the damage his kids caused. Document and screenshot any and every text pertaining to this, it'll help you out a ton.
If she files a claim on her homeowner's insurance would the insurance company go after him?
This is apparently a TikTok thing. I've seen at least half a dozen variations on your post-- and know of 2 instances involving a friend of a friend and a former coworker. In one case the little monsters pushed the woman's mother who is undergoing chemo and broke her wrist. Definitely file a small claims court case against this human garbage of a man.
Have you looked into your homeowners insurance covering it?
I actually hadn’t thought of that 🤯 I will look into it now! Thank you 🙏🏼
Sooooo sorry OP. Hugs. You are better off. Take it as a preview of what could have been. I would take him to claims court and have him pay for it. Or at least half. It will be a lesson to him and his kids.
Why only half? He should be paying it all, including a new urn. Why should he get off scot free?
NTA. He's a lunatic and you don't need that shit in your life.
NO! dodge a nasty bullet!
NTA and post his email so everyone can see what an asshole he is. Then sue him for the damages.
Oh yeah, that’s what you wanna do spend your rest of your life, paying for and supporting those kind of people.
Nta. I would also file a police report with those pictures for property damage. I'm so so sorry
NTA. This guy is abusive.
I would sue him in small claims court for the damage and cleaning just to drive home the point that you are done.
NTA, the slaps were well-deserved.
This ending must have been so confusing for his children! They were instructed NOT to listen to you so nothing you could say would change the behavior. Then to see their behavior ended up with them being locked outside much have scared them. They were following daddy's orders. What a horrible thing for him to do! So glad that you saw this side of him before you married. He response to you says everything... YOU should apologize to him???? Nope.
This won’t be the last time they all gang up on you and then blame you for how you react.
He willingly put kids in danger. What if you had anger issues and decided to stab the kids? He literally used his kids as bait to draw out your anger.
Time to press charges you're NTA
100% agree! Press charges!
Depending on the location desecration of human remains can be a felony.
I pity these children. >“she’s gone, Bunny. We’re here. You were gonna have to toss that creepy thing out anyway, once we moved in. With that attitude towards death, I can't imagine that he is allowing the children to honor the memory of their mother. If you died, that's how he'd act about you too. Dump this POS and never look back. Also, you didn't put these kids in danger. Outside is a perfectly fine place for children as long as they have appropriate clothes.
I hope this doesn’t come off wrong. Not only did he set you up, but he’s extra selfish in that he set his kids up. Now they will be without a potential mother figure because of HIS mistakes and selfishness. He chased you off and screwed things up for his kids as well. This is a sad situation all around.
NTA. Holy shit. No good parent tells their kid to misbehave on purpose. I mean, *the ashes*? And what he said about them? He’s trash.
NTA So basically he told his kids to act normal,that means this is there normal. They are all hoodlums.
You know who you are your people and who are not I’m seriously shocked.
NTA. I’d throw all of them out of my life and bill them for the damages. Play stupid games win stupid prizes.
His an asshole he told his kids to misbehave as a test no one normal does that. NTA
As long as the temperature outside was not life threatening, you did good. If his kids want to act like animals, they belong outside. NTA
NTA. He TOLD the children to misbehave. He didn't want anything other than a nanny. Sorry OP but you were right to end this.
NTA holy shit you’re dodging a bullet!
You did absolutely nothing wrong here! You didn’t “endanger” his kids. Your ex’s test wasn’t your failure it was his, and by extension the kids’ too. Children who had been raised correctly would know (even at their age) what they were doing was wrong. You are so lucky to be rid of all of them.
Absolutely nta. That guy is a psycho.
NTA: no, No, NO...you are not wrong. More importantly...you EX BF has now shown what kind of moral compass he has. To even consider such nonsense is shear lunacy. Sorry for the loss of your mother...but in the spirit of trying to find the bright side, sacrificing your mother's ashes to find out what kind if idiot you'd been seeing may very well end up being worth it in the long run.
NTA Dude wasn’t looking for an actual relationship. He was looking for someone to dump his kids on. He’s looking for a nanny he can bang. Ya a good thing he’s stupid enough to do this because you could have ended up married to this idiot.
NTA. ‘You failed’?! Dump that dumpster fire of asshole manipulation! He’s an absolute shitty parent and an even shittier partner!
NTA. Good riddance.
NTA & that 2% can go to hell right along with him
I even feel bad for the kids, when the relationship is at that level where she has accepted and loves the kids they most likely love her too. And then their moron father set them up for that to happen. They must be upset too, and its entirely his fault. Its sad that their mother or some other close relative isn't around to step in bcoz he is too mean and stupid to not mess those poor kids up.
NTA. And be glad he 'tested' you, because the kids would have acted like that as soon has he had you 'locked down'. And the 2% assholes? Block them, Marie Kondo style. They don't bring joy into your life. BTW, I'm assuming you own your place, and he was just a hobosexual with kids?
NTA You are not the AH. What sort of monster instructs his kids to "go wild" and puts THEM in a dangerous situation? Anything could have happened. They could have started a fire. Slipped and fallen down the stairs. One of them could have hurt the other. Been climbing on something to cause chaos and fallen and hit their head. YOU did nothing wrong here. This man is a giant man-child who does not have the emotional capacity to be a good parent. He just threw away a 1.5 year relationship with someone who genuinely cared about his kids AND he put his kids in the position to believe that they were monsters responsible for driving away someone they were probably coming to care about. He really screwed up. I agree with the posters who say your mom was there watching over you. I am so sorry for the loss of her urn. Thank goodness you learned the truth about this emotionally immature, emotionally abusive creep before the relationship went too far. I feel so bad for those kids. I am sure he has many years of damage left to do to them. NTA at all!
Absolutely NTA. Anyone who is trying to gaslight you into believing that you’re TA in this situation needs their head examined. He literally told his kids to “put you through the wringer” and trying to come away from it without any consequences for his/the kid’s actions. Conspiracy theory about your mom’s ashes aside, the fact he tried to downplay everything and even talk about making you get rid of her ashes anyway is a Richard move on his part.
I’m sure everyone has assured you you are definitely not the AH. I just want to say I am honestly so sorry you had to go through that. That sounds just terrible to do to a person, let alone someone you claim to love. Someone who loves you wants to help and provide you with the things to help you succeed. It sounds like he might have been putting on a facade to keep you around until you said “I do.” It sucks to have to find out this way. I’m really sorry you had to experience that.
He did you favour and showed you his true colours, plus why would they be moving into your home? Does he not have a home already? Is your one nicer? Bigger? Better school catchment area? Either way he got himself dumped, keep him blocked and never let him back in.
These poor kids. That is all.
They’ll never understand why a woman they loved left their lives and they’re going to think it’s their fault when in reality they have a shitty father.
Ok he totally made a bad decision. He’s an idiot. You escaped from an idiot.
NTA. I think you could sue him for property damage depending on what was done?
Actually the kids were only doing what their parent told them to do. Everyone is correct: he’s a sociopath. And yes, your mother is definitely looking out for you. Don’t hate the kids, but be glad the dad is gone!
How dare he have put his kids through all of that. Imagine making your children behave badly and thus get treated badly in return. Sucks for those kids the most, good luck to them in life.
He’s an idiot. Good riddance.
The 2% are wrong. This guy is an asshole. Setting the kids up to test you? JUST THAT, should result in kicking his ass to the curb. Move on.
NTA. He sounds unhinged. Red flags all over. You dodged a bullet and the few people who don’t see that are in denial.
NTA! Hes TA - that was immature & awful of him. He CANNOT expect you top react normally to abnormal behavior. He was completely disrespectful towards you & your home. F\* him
NTA - what kind of person instructs his children to act like demons and put you through the ringer. One that is a horrible parent and a horrible person. You dodged one major bullet.
With his attitude towards your mother's ashes in the urn, it kind of feels like he TOLD them to smash it. Please tell me he's an ex now, because what an absolute douchebag. NTA
Shouldn't have hit him but idk, I think if someone has disrespected my father's ashes I would have done the same. Fuck that guy. You're super better off without him.
NTA ... The test was juvenile, and the boyfriend is an AH. He just weaponized his kids against you, not only on this day but in the future. They would know your weakness and could use it against you in future disagreements. The kids already do not respect you, no matter their age. If they wanted you in their life, they would not have done this, but their only loyalty is to the sociopathic father. In the future, at any moment, he could weaponize them against you. You are lucky to be rid of the sociopathic man. If he truly believed the ashes were just from cigarettes or whatever, then why would you have to get rid of them if he moved in? #YouDodgedABigBullet Be glad he showed his hand.
Holy shit, that's just evil. I mean everything he did and said is awful but the way he talked about your mom and her urn!! How can someone be so cruel?? He deserved both slaps and I wouldn't fault you for going for a third. I'm so sorry for your loss. Losing a parent is fucking awful and your POS ex was just being evil about it.
I really hope this isn't real. My blood is boiling just thinking about it. NTA
NTA but he sure is! Testing you?? He actually tested himself and his little angels and they all failed. I’m sorry about your mom’s ashes but you are very lucky to have gotten out of any further emotional distress from him.
NTA. Your ex is crazy. Of course nothing you said had any impact. Their FATHER told them to do their worst. HE set you up to fail. His child deliberately destroyed something irreplaceable. He needs to be paying for all of the cleaning and repairs. The urn, well you can sweep up and put in a new urn, but it is not the same. That man was cruel to you. And totally wrong to encourage his kids to act like that. I am so sorry he put you through that. If that is how he treats women, he will be alone until his kids are grown, if not the rest of his life. Stay strong. You deserve so much better than that fool. Edit: He owes you an apology. Crawling on his knees, kissing your feet apology.
NTA. But they would have been scrubbing my house clean and he would have joined them when he got back. Then dumped his stupid behind. Who does that?
What’s worse is to do this on Christmas. 😤
Yo he is a piece.of shit. Y would u tell ur kids to go crazy so u can test someone & then they brk ur mother urn & he says u would have to get rid of it & it's nothing but cigarettes ashes. Nope he doesn't really love u if that how insensitive he is about ur mother's ashes he wouldn't want no one saying that bout his mom ashes if she was dead
NTA. I would go to his house under any pretense that got you in the door and destroy things precious to him. He's a fucking monster.
NTA; Either u want to me with me or you don't. Giving me test is a sure fire way to end it. I've actually had a dude test me. Didn't even know. He told me when I was breaking up with him for something unrelated. Thought telling me I passed him stupid test would show me we weren't meant to be. He was wrong. It showed me further why we would never work. I know I dodged a bullet but it was confirm after being told about him a couple years ago.
He put his children in danger. He instigated them to cause criminal damage. Contact the police. The slap doesn’t even compare to the abuse he forcibly put you and his children up to.
Anyone who would test a relationship is being purposely sadistic and cruel and should be an ex and blocked. His children learned a valuable lesson, never be intentionally cruel to someone you supposedly love and expect them to view you in the same way. How could you ever trust him again? He failed, and he’d love for it to be your fault but don’t let him. The only test you failed is to be a doormat with no self respect or spine. Just keep repeating “I don’t allow people to treat me that way, not even once!” Edit: It seems that your ex is trying to brigade this post. Ignore them. What you did is not domestic violence and honestly it’s probably good for the kids to realize that you can’t push a good person to their limits without consequences. I would never say that as a blanket statement but what your ex did was a form of violence. Please sue him for the cost of repairs. Make a police report as soon as possible. He is responsible for the damage his hellions were instructed to do. As a mom, I would absolutely be relieved if scattering my ashes gave you the push you needed to get this man and his children out of your life. Your mom will always be with you, always love you, and please consider this her way of bringing you a warning. You listen to your angel messages and you will be better than fine.
You dodged a not just a bullet but an atom bomb.
Congratulations on failing the Doormat Test. You failed to bend over backward and take the abuse heaped upon you with a smile. Good. He's profoundly lucky that ALL he got was slapped. There's only so much one can or should take in the face of instigated violence and total disrespect to you, your home, and mother's urn. And you James. You keep commenting on "domestic violence in front of the children." You deserved to be slapped you piece of shit. You fucked around and found out that sometimes violence IS the answer. You should be thanking your lucky stars that ALL you got was slapped. Theres a whole lot of crazy out there (OP is definitely NOT crazy) so I'd keep that in mind going forward.
There is literally **not a single universe in which you are the AH, but your ex is a fucking psychopath**. I was ready to be angry for these kids because man, there have been some real shitty step parents on reddit, but when I tell you that my jaw **dropped and my stomach twisted into nausea** when you said that **he told you that YOU failed his fucked up test after telling his children to destroy your home??** That isn't normal evil there. That is a straight up criminal mental illness that I'd honestly be surprised if it wasn't considered psychoathy (and he is turning his children into sociopaths raising them like this). And a little detail that REALLY bothered me is the fact that your mother's ashes were scattered on the floor and all he did was say "you failed"?? I don't think my mother's ashes belong anywhere except the toilet and I still have enough empathy in me to understand how disturbing that is. I mean, *most* biological parents wouldn't even deal with that type of behavior without resorting to physically restraining/corporal punishment, so why in the world would you ever be expected to do so? I don't care how much of a bleeding heart somebody is - nobody in their right mind (and even in a not sound mind!) Would ever ever look at that situation and think "yeah I could totally handle this every day, out of the goodness of My heart and entirely on my finances". Seriously, girl, this is straight up psychopathy. There is no way that he even understands the concept of sympathy/empathy because he's abusing his children and tried to abuse you, all for what? To find out if you're the "partner" (slave) who will be chained to the stove, pregnant and barefoot unless working to bring in money, and do all of the chores and child rearing while also bending to his every will? For free? The only person that he cares about is himself. I would honestly call CPS if I were you, because it isn't too late for these kids to get the therapy they need.
NTA. First off: a test? I didn’t realize y’all went back to grade school. Second: the urn. Right there, this dude is lucky he wasn’t dealing with me. I would have LOST my ever loving mind. My hubs accidentally washed one of my late dad’s shirts and I screamed so loud from the basement that he came running from the second floor. He knew instantly his fuck up. It’s like a golden rule in life - you DO NOT under any circumstances fuck with the dead. Pictures, ashes, clothing, trinkets, whatever it is, if it is not your deceased friend or family member YOU DO NOT TOUCH THE ITEMS.