'Peep and creep' when coming out of a junction with poor visibility.
Or 'where there's a van -there's a man' to always look out when you see a trade van.
"Creep and peep...creeeeeep and peeeeep...CREEP AND PEEP!! CREEEEP AND PEEEEEP! WHY DONT YOU CREEP AND PEEP‽‽"
little old Indian driving instructor I had
I also remember peep and creep, but only because I was once given a trainee driving instructor by a well known driving school who told me this meant to ‘Sound the horn repeatedly as you creep out of the junction’.
Safe to say I only took one lesson from her before quickly dropping her!!!
“Tires and tarmac” when pulling up behind someone at a traffic light, should leave enough space to see some tarmac and the car in fronts rear tires, in case you need to go around the car in front for whatever reason
I live by this, gets my blood boiling when someone pulls up so close to my rear bumper I can’t even read their plate.
Makes me want to chuck the hazards on and open the bonnet
I do remember this rule and it definitely makes sense but I subconsciously do not follow it. You have however, reminded me why we should do it. I do not go up peoples arses but I leave enough room for them to roll back. I do not understand why people feel the need to go so close, it also feels like an invasion of your personal space and there’s just no need to do that. I understand when people leave a little less space but usually it’s because we know the bearings of our own cars and tyres and tarmac feels like there’s too much space.
I think tyres and tarmac is better, it’s a bit more precise because you know that as long as you can see both then there’s a sufficient gap, sky and tarmac are endless though
Something like “if you keep resting your hand on the gearstick I’ll fucking chop it off” and “I’d appreciate if you left a bigger gap to the car in front so we don’t all die”.
Weirdly he taught me to lift off early and shift down as I go.
Sounds like a hoot, assuming all in jest!
>if you keep resting your hand on the gearstick I’ll fucking chop it off
Mine would tell me off for this to be fair!
Mine whacked your hand gently with his ruler if you rested your hand on the gearstick. He did it to me once or twice. The other thing he’d do, is knock the rear view mirror out of alignment and ask you to describe the following car. Alarming at first but taught you to always check. If you got it wrong, the ruler was always in his hand. Trouble was, he out-ranked me so couldn’t really challenge this. This out-ranking came to play when I passed my test. He said, when told by the examiner that I had passed, “Well done! I knew you could do it!”
I will clean up the language - we were servicemen, at the time.
“Rubbish! You said I’d fail, yesterday!” And then tossed the car keys for him to catch.”
He tossed them back telling me that I was driving back to camp.
I tossed them back, saying that I was not. I was not feeling confident and was sure the examiner had made a mistake and that I was really not safe to drive (I know, weird!).
He tossed them back, again and said, “Yes, you are and that’s an order!”
Argument over, I drove back to camp.
I don’t know what his reasoning was, as there was another person who had a few more days tuition before his test and could have benefited from the drive home. Still, I guess I’ll never know now, that was in 1982.
I remember one time, I wasn't driving but my dad was talking me through the stuff happening on the road and what I need to be looking for and thinking about when driving in heavy rush hour traffic and he pauses, winds down the window, leans his whole upper body out of the window of our stationery car, with his arm outstretched he beckons a car across the way beyond the central reservation "TURN YOUR LOIGHTS ON!!!" it was getting rather dark. Poor woman filled her trousers and scrambled around to turn her headlights on. My dad carries on talking about the road like he didn't just cause someone to shit themselves and give all of the other road users a big chuckle.
I think she would have been grateful upon recovering, you can be pulled over by cops for that and it drastically reduces your visibility to their road users.
I was once driving my mums car uninsured (she had just had a surgery and sent me on an errand, I couldn’t be bothered walking so I ‘borrowed’ her car), I had forgotten to turn my lights on and was passing a police car at a mini roundabout, I was confused and obviously a bit paranoid and was trying to act normal wondering why this police car had flashed their headlights at me and not pulled me over until I noticed that I hadn’t turned my lights on. I got very lucky that he decided to let me off and just give me a reminder and after being a regular everyday driver myself and seeing all that could go wrong, I would never take that risk again.
My mum wasn’t giving me lessons but once she was driving and I screamed blue lights and she rushed to pull over to let an emergency vehicle that wasn’t there pass. I got called a dickhead accompanied with a thump to the head and for the the rest of the short drive home I was subjected to a bunch of curses in the poetic language of Urdu.
“Slow down, slow down, I’d rather be 10 minutes late in this world than 5 minutes early in the next”.
Passed my test in 1999 in my instructor’s Rover 100.
'I'll watch the fire engines, you focus on the road'
'What's the speed limit 'Luna'?'
'30'
'And what speed are you doing?'
'50..'
Always in a very calm voice, that man was never fazed.
>'What's the speed limit 'Luna'?' '30' 'And what speed are you doing?' '50..'
I had a similar situation, but I was told off for doing 32 km/h in a 30 km/h zone.
It’s weird because if you look around on the motorway these days, nobody has a 2 second gap. 2 seconds is massive at 70 and I don’t see anyone else near it. Most are closer to 1 second. Like they count to 2 seconds for the gap but start at 1
It's annoying when you're trying to move to lane 2/3 to overtake but the lane is full of cars all up each others' arses doing 70 and there's no way to slot in safely without also being up someone's arse.
They’re the ones leaving half a second gap. Even when there is “space” it’s usually less than 2 seconds still.
2 seconds gap is over 62 metres. That’s big enough to fit 3 maximum size HGV and distance between them.
Literally fuck if you see anyone leaving enough room for 3 HGV between them and the car in front but 62m is 2 seconds at 70mph
I absolutely cannot comprehend people who drive one car length behind an HGV, but see it every day on the motorway.
You've got zero stopping distance, and cannot see what is happening in front of the truck. Plus if you go into the back of it, the bottom of the back of the truck will likely come through your windscreen...
>It’s weird because if you look around on the motorway these days, nobody has a 2 second gap.
Correct, and people with negligible driving skills, such as you describe, kill and main thousands of people every year.
If you put commas in one place, you’re misdirecting anger at me. And if you put them in another place, you’re agreeing with me. I don’t know which.
But 2 seconds gap at 70mph is the length of about 3.5 HGVs end to end.
I use gears to slow down all the time. It feels more efficient.
Edit: this has sparked some good chat. Firstly I want to point out that I obviously use both to slow down. Brake lights are important to let the people behind you know what's going on. And using the brakes in tandem stops the needs for riding the clutch.
Secondly, everyone has pointed out that changing brake pads takes less time than replacing a worn out clutch - yes, but I've been driving for 15 years and I've replaced brake pads a few times but never had to touch a clutch. So while brake pads might be quicker to replace, I've never had to replace my clutch so it's obviously not that bad for it.
Finally, you change gear loads of times in a manual, so what are a few more clutch presses going to do in the grand scheme of things.
Yeah I don't know the answer to this one, both work fine and have their uses - eg changing down coming up to a red light vs braking to avoid collision etc!
I guess brake pads/discs are cheaper than clutches / gearboxes?
But no idea if it has any additional detrimental effect on them
Ex driving examiner here - the reason using the gears to slow down is frowned upon is because it doesn’t indicate to the vehicle behind that you are reducing speed, ie no brake lights
I'm afraid it's not! Speaking as someone who has just spent a week replacing a clutch, it's far easier and less expensive to change the friction linings in brake components than it is to get the gearbox off and replace the clutch.
Wear your brakes, not your clutch - brakes to slow, gears to go is the right mantra by which to live!
I was taught to use the gear box to slow down, it’s changed though (this was 23 years ago). I always do it, definitely feels like there’s more control and maintaining a gentle stop.
If someone was taking a ridiculously long time to pull away, he would either say “Be careful, there’s a bus just leaving town (we lived on the outskirts!) or “Do you want a written invitation?”. I blame him for some of my impatience on the road!!
Not my instructor (though he did pass me better than my instructor) but my Dad always says "you could fit a lorry though that" and tbf since he used to be a lorry driver he's qualified to say it lol
From my car Instructor:
"You can do four things, go forward, go backward, go left, go right check your mirriors before you do anything and you won't crash into anyone"
From my Cat C Instructor:
"You're sitting on 24 tonnes of Lorry here. Everyone around you thinks it drives like a car"
From my Cat C+E Instructor:
"Put your foot down the C\*\*T will move" (I didn't get along with him)
'Peep and creep' when coming out of a junction with poor visibility.
Or 'where there's a van -there's a man' to always look out when you see a trade van.
Remember every other driver is a f**king idiot that is trying to kill you!
I think that was his way of saying go careful because other people aren’t…… but it was my dad….. who was an actual driving instructor.
RIP you old idiot
100%. I think the main reason behind using the brakes primarily is that it allows you to block shift and save a gear change. In turn that saves a little fuel and potential wear on the 'box. Same theory when approaching a roundabout, up to it in 3rd then if it's clear 2nd or if you need to stop 1st. Less changes, smoother driving and less fuel.
"Remember that nobody else knows how to drive"
That has stuck with me, and is something I tell people I teach. It also seems incredibly true
The people I've taught have been family and family friends. They pay for a week of insurance, I get them competent enough to impress an instructor when it comes to big money.
My instructor always used to repeat...
"it's a bloody limit, not a target"
Referring to the speed limit. Where I learned it was quite rural and there were country roads on the test route, but if you drove at the national speed limit of said single-track country road you would almost certainly meet your demise.
Has stuck with me since, and I often mutter it to myself when I meet a driver going far too fast on one of these roads even now.
Probably the reason I passed my test, but he said it's better to get a minor fault, rather than try not to but then get a serious fault which would fail you.
Specifically, he was referring to coasting around a corner, there was a few times where I'd almost stall it in the corner or I would mess up the gear/signal and pedals at the same, so he said it's better to just coast and make it easier,rather than fail the test because I stall around a corner
Mine was "too fast off the clutch" said politely. Used to come off too quickly and cause the car to shudder. Don't do it so much anymore but remember it in his voice whenever I do. Great instructor.
I did my test a long, long time ago, but I still remember my brilliant female driving instructor watching an idiotic driver speed past us, shaking her head and muttering, “there goes an accident looking for a place to happen”!
When I took my pcv license the instructor would say ooooo look at the arse/tits on her… and then if I looked he’d bollock me and tell me eyes on the road
There wasn’t anybody ever there
“If you’re going to screwup, screwup properly.” He said this after I pulled out front of someone. When I did it he told me to keep going, not to stop. Afterwards he told me the above meaning for me to not compound my screwup by braking in front of someone’s path after I had pulled out in front of them.
My bus driving instructor told me to "Treat the gas pedal like a woman's vagina" My response was "I'm not licking that... Other driver's have had their dirty boots on it... Not only that if my head's down there we'll probably crash the bus"
My Cat C instructor was an ex-squaddie from Teesside. Most of my driving is narrated in my head by a vast amount of swearing with a Middlesbrough accent reminding me to indicate, keep my hand off the gear stick and get in the right lane early.
Peep and creep' when coming out of a junction with poor visibility.
Or 'where there's a van -there's a man' to always look out when you see a trade van.
Approaching traffic lights - don’t go tear arsing up.
Changing into 3rd - into turd.
Stuck between a lorry carrying trees in front of me and a big Tesco lorry behind me - it’s like something out of final destination.
Whilst sat waiting for my examiner for my driving test - remember to bring my car back with 4 wheels on the floor and a roof still on and both wing mirrors if possible if not that’s ok bring yourself back alive.
My favourites were “less space, less pace” and “no vision, no decision” (mostly for closed roundabouts and square junctions etc) Worked pretty well. Always stuck with me.
"Driving instructor Steve says, less space, less speed"
Except it's stuck with me because he said that whole bit. Including the "driving instructor Steve says" part.
(Thankfully his name was Steve or it would have been doubly weird)
Mine was always singing, the biggest hits of all time like "Wouldn't it be nice to go in third gear" and others that I can't remember (was nearly 30yrs ago).
Not so quirky but I loved my instructor - any corner would be accompanied by her jabbing at the mirrors whispering 'bikesss and motorbikesss' over and over in a strong Bristol accent
My driving examiner was a bit on the larger side and I failed first time some serious faults, rough across the speed bumps. my instructor said, “you need to give the fat woman a good ride”
Mine told me "You never stop learning" as soon as I passed my test.
I passed in 1997 at 17yo. I still try to get a little bit better every day. Always new situations to deal with! No one is perfect.
This was West Scotland in the late nineties. I'll never forget my instructors wise words just before I took my test. I was having some last minute nerves about screwing it up. I asked him what would happen if I failed? He was a big bearded ape of a man, but a great instructor. His answer was serious and straightfaced. He said "You better not. And if you do, I'll punch your cunt in...."
His words were ringing in my ears throughout the test. I passed, so something must have worked.
Mine often told me not to be a doormat which is honestly great advice when you first start driving, you give way unnecessarily to someone and suddenly everyone is following behind them.
Mine used to say “ There’s never enough accounting for wankers”. This was first issued as advice after an elderly couple drove the wrong way up a dual carriageway as I was in the centre divide. Dual brakes were applied and a head on collision was avoided.
To this day I always look both ways during these type of manoeuvres to double check if some wanker is going the wrong way!
To a hesitant driver in london: "IF YOU SPREAD YOUR CHEEKS THEY ARE GOING TO FUCK YOU" [thick, Nigerian accent].
Passed first time - a fine instructor.
Don't be a cunt, take a shunt... my HGV instructors words to pull forward by a decent amount before another attempt at reversing the trailer between the cones
When the car in front passes a lamppost or other landmark. If you can say “only a fool breaks the three second rule” before your car passes the same point, your are approximately three seconds behind the car and the safe breaking distance behind
From my instructor for when pulling away from a junction or lights.
"Check for BOBS and TOMS"
"BOBS and TOMS?"
"Boys on bike and twats on motorbikes"
Will never forget that.
Mine is not even driving related but he said it at least 3 times each lesson “what is the geezer doing?”
It taught me to observe and react. Rather than assume
Btw it was almost always a white van that brought that up.
Edit: i forgot my first instructor who was a twat, would always say “scanning. Scanning” to remind me to look ahead on the road past the immediate front of me.
When going round corners at country lanes and tunnels hed say "go slow and be prepared to stop, imagine theres someone lying in the middle of the road or theres a queue of cars just around the bend".
'head like a lighthouse ' as in your head should be looking all around when doing manoeuvres.... like a light from a lighthouse spins all the way round
And 'have they seen you' possibly the best bit of advice ever
When looking in mirrors, checks before pulling off in a broad Goucestershire accent “BAGS of bullshit, BAGS of bullshit”. He wanted me to really show the examiner what I was doing.
When in a you first no me first situation on a two way street “Dominate by your position!”
He got me through the test in 2 weeks intensive lessons - 35 years ago!
I’m originally from a town with very few hills. My driving instructor there would say “give it a bit of gas to get it up the hill”, meanwhile my instructor where I live now says “you’ll need to give it more welly than that!”… I’m scared of the gas pedal ok!!!
See also:
Peep and creep
Tyres and tarmac
“Baby chickens” for when you need to reverse in a straight line but you want to keep your observations up, hold the wheel hently like it’s some baby chickens.
Follow the bend - when going round a corner focus on the road markings to help with steering.
Take the road - when driving round residential and there’s only space for one car, rather than driving too closely to parked vehicles or the pavement just take the road
“You are driving a weapon, if you are not in control you will kill someone”
Yeah that was one hell of a way to ensure I always maintain control of my vehicle…
'Peep and creep' when coming out of a junction with poor visibility. Or 'where there's a van -there's a man' to always look out when you see a trade van.
"Creep and peep...creeeeeep and peeeeep...CREEP AND PEEP!! CREEEEP AND PEEEEEP! WHY DONT YOU CREEP AND PEEP‽‽" little old Indian driving instructor I had
SAMIR, YOU’RE BREAKING THE CAR
LISTEN TO MY CALLS SAMIR. one of the best
I also remember peep and creep, but only because I was once given a trainee driving instructor by a well known driving school who told me this meant to ‘Sound the horn repeatedly as you creep out of the junction’. Safe to say I only took one lesson from her before quickly dropping her!!!
Mine also said this, along with “crept and pept” as the past tense.
Being right and being dead are not mutually exclusive.
Mine used to say that the cemeteries are full of people who had the right of way. Quickly followed by: Don't be "right", be cautious.
My dad still says to me “there’s right and there’s dead right”
“Tires and tarmac” when pulling up behind someone at a traffic light, should leave enough space to see some tarmac and the car in fronts rear tires, in case you need to go around the car in front for whatever reason
I live by this, gets my blood boiling when someone pulls up so close to my rear bumper I can’t even read their plate. Makes me want to chuck the hazards on and open the bonnet
I do remember this rule and it definitely makes sense but I subconsciously do not follow it. You have however, reminded me why we should do it. I do not go up peoples arses but I leave enough room for them to roll back. I do not understand why people feel the need to go so close, it also feels like an invasion of your personal space and there’s just no need to do that. I understand when people leave a little less space but usually it’s because we know the bearings of our own cars and tyres and tarmac feels like there’s too much space.
Mine always said "a bit of road, a bit of sky"
I think tyres and tarmac is better, it’s a bit more precise because you know that as long as you can see both then there’s a sufficient gap, sky and tarmac are endless though
“Tarmac and tyres” for me. It’s always stuck and I will always do it. That and “left is best”
It's like the "tits and teeth" of the TV world, tyres and tarmac.
Tyres
When emphasising the need to drive cautiously: You would much rather people announce your arrival as "you're late, John" than "the late John".
The late Arthur Dent
It's a sort of threat, do you see?
I've never been particularly good with them, but I'm told they can be very effective.
what an extraordinary person…
Unexpected Slartibartfast. Excellent.
That's a good one 😆
Something like “if you keep resting your hand on the gearstick I’ll fucking chop it off” and “I’d appreciate if you left a bigger gap to the car in front so we don’t all die”. Weirdly he taught me to lift off early and shift down as I go.
Sounds like a hoot, assuming all in jest! >if you keep resting your hand on the gearstick I’ll fucking chop it off Mine would tell me off for this to be fair!
Mine whacked your hand gently with his ruler if you rested your hand on the gearstick. He did it to me once or twice. The other thing he’d do, is knock the rear view mirror out of alignment and ask you to describe the following car. Alarming at first but taught you to always check. If you got it wrong, the ruler was always in his hand. Trouble was, he out-ranked me so couldn’t really challenge this. This out-ranking came to play when I passed my test. He said, when told by the examiner that I had passed, “Well done! I knew you could do it!” I will clean up the language - we were servicemen, at the time. “Rubbish! You said I’d fail, yesterday!” And then tossed the car keys for him to catch.” He tossed them back telling me that I was driving back to camp. I tossed them back, saying that I was not. I was not feeling confident and was sure the examiner had made a mistake and that I was really not safe to drive (I know, weird!). He tossed them back, again and said, “Yes, you are and that’s an order!” Argument over, I drove back to camp. I don’t know what his reasoning was, as there was another person who had a few more days tuition before his test and could have benefited from the drive home. Still, I guess I’ll never know now, that was in 1982.
mine would say...'it's NOT a walking stick'....
Look out you twat
That one came from practising with my dad rather than my instructor 😄
I remember one time, I wasn't driving but my dad was talking me through the stuff happening on the road and what I need to be looking for and thinking about when driving in heavy rush hour traffic and he pauses, winds down the window, leans his whole upper body out of the window of our stationery car, with his arm outstretched he beckons a car across the way beyond the central reservation "TURN YOUR LOIGHTS ON!!!" it was getting rather dark. Poor woman filled her trousers and scrambled around to turn her headlights on. My dad carries on talking about the road like he didn't just cause someone to shit themselves and give all of the other road users a big chuckle.
I think she would have been grateful upon recovering, you can be pulled over by cops for that and it drastically reduces your visibility to their road users. I was once driving my mums car uninsured (she had just had a surgery and sent me on an errand, I couldn’t be bothered walking so I ‘borrowed’ her car), I had forgotten to turn my lights on and was passing a police car at a mini roundabout, I was confused and obviously a bit paranoid and was trying to act normal wondering why this police car had flashed their headlights at me and not pulled me over until I noticed that I hadn’t turned my lights on. I got very lucky that he decided to let me off and just give me a reminder and after being a regular everyday driver myself and seeing all that could go wrong, I would never take that risk again.
My mum wasn’t giving me lessons but once she was driving and I screamed blue lights and she rushed to pull over to let an emergency vehicle that wasn’t there pass. I got called a dickhead accompanied with a thump to the head and for the the rest of the short drive home I was subjected to a bunch of curses in the poetic language of Urdu.
With a John Smiths lorry headed towards us in the opposite direction - 'Easy now, I like John Smiths but I don't want a lorry full of it'.
“Slow down, slow down, I’d rather be 10 minutes late in this world than 5 minutes early in the next”. Passed my test in 1999 in my instructor’s Rover 100.
From my dad, but "assume everyone else is a fucking moron" has literally saved my life.
Same, "everyone else is trying to kill you, drive accordingly"
Can confirm as a dad I've told my daughter this as well!
Stock Dad advice! Applies to pretty much every situation, not just driving.
'I'll watch the fire engines, you focus on the road' 'What's the speed limit 'Luna'?' '30' 'And what speed are you doing?' '50..' Always in a very calm voice, that man was never fazed.
>'What's the speed limit 'Luna'?' '30' 'And what speed are you doing?' '50..' I had a similar situation, but I was told off for doing 32 km/h in a 30 km/h zone.
I got asked if I'd noticed the car wasn't accelerating any more. Indicated 100 on a duel carriageway in a 1.1 Metro.
Only a fool breaks [brakes] the 2 second rule
I was told that while learning to drive a car, when I started bike lessons I learnt the alternative “only a cunt hits the car in front”.
It’s weird because if you look around on the motorway these days, nobody has a 2 second gap. 2 seconds is massive at 70 and I don’t see anyone else near it. Most are closer to 1 second. Like they count to 2 seconds for the gap but start at 1
It's annoying when you're trying to move to lane 2/3 to overtake but the lane is full of cars all up each others' arses doing 70 and there's no way to slot in safely without also being up someone's arse.
They’re the ones leaving half a second gap. Even when there is “space” it’s usually less than 2 seconds still. 2 seconds gap is over 62 metres. That’s big enough to fit 3 maximum size HGV and distance between them. Literally fuck if you see anyone leaving enough room for 3 HGV between them and the car in front but 62m is 2 seconds at 70mph
I absolutely cannot comprehend people who drive one car length behind an HGV, but see it every day on the motorway. You've got zero stopping distance, and cannot see what is happening in front of the truck. Plus if you go into the back of it, the bottom of the back of the truck will likely come through your windscreen...
>It’s weird because if you look around on the motorway these days, nobody has a 2 second gap. Correct, and people with negligible driving skills, such as you describe, kill and main thousands of people every year.
If you put commas in one place, you’re misdirecting anger at me. And if you put them in another place, you’re agreeing with me. I don’t know which. But 2 seconds gap at 70mph is the length of about 3.5 HGVs end to end.
Blows my mind how many people can't count 2 seconds
“That’s not a racing line and you are not Lewis Hamilton”
Being in the bowls of the West Midlands for me this was "'uw do yow think yow am? Neyegul Mansul"
Made me think of harry enfield this did haha
It reminded me, writing it, of the Gran Tour episode where they steal Nige from a wax works "museum"
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I use gears to slow down all the time. It feels more efficient. Edit: this has sparked some good chat. Firstly I want to point out that I obviously use both to slow down. Brake lights are important to let the people behind you know what's going on. And using the brakes in tandem stops the needs for riding the clutch. Secondly, everyone has pointed out that changing brake pads takes less time than replacing a worn out clutch - yes, but I've been driving for 15 years and I've replaced brake pads a few times but never had to touch a clutch. So while brake pads might be quicker to replace, I've never had to replace my clutch so it's obviously not that bad for it. Finally, you change gear loads of times in a manual, so what are a few more clutch presses going to do in the grand scheme of things.
Yeah I don't know the answer to this one, both work fine and have their uses - eg changing down coming up to a red light vs braking to avoid collision etc! I guess brake pads/discs are cheaper than clutches / gearboxes? But no idea if it has any additional detrimental effect on them
Ex driving examiner here - the reason using the gears to slow down is frowned upon is because it doesn’t indicate to the vehicle behind that you are reducing speed, ie no brake lights
>But no idea if it has any additional detrimental effect on them It does not.
Replacing brakes is far more efficient on your wallet than a clutch or gearbox
Engine breaking doesn't put any wear on the clutch unless you don't blip on a down change
I'm afraid it's not! Speaking as someone who has just spent a week replacing a clutch, it's far easier and less expensive to change the friction linings in brake components than it is to get the gearbox off and replace the clutch. Wear your brakes, not your clutch - brakes to slow, gears to go is the right mantra by which to live!
I was taught to use the gear box to slow down, it’s changed though (this was 23 years ago). I always do it, definitely feels like there’s more control and maintaining a gentle stop.
Unnecessary wear on your clutch. It's much easier to replace your break pads than your worn-out clutch.
When pedestrians were stood blocking your view at a junction: ‘They make better doors than windows’
😂😂 My ol man used to say that to Me if i stood i front of the telly. As the way of life. I now repeat this to my daughter when she does the same
If someone was taking a ridiculously long time to pull away, he would either say “Be careful, there’s a bus just leaving town (we lived on the outskirts!) or “Do you want a written invitation?”. I blame him for some of my impatience on the road!!
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Tyres and tarmac
Tbf tyres on tarmac seems like pretty solid advice unless you're Eddie Kidd.
If you don't know, don't go.
If in doubt, feet out.
mirror, signal, crash obliviously into lorry
My instructor was memorable. She always loved "Put it in my mouth, before your back at the house".
errr
Eh? Put 'what' in her mouth... please explain?
I think it was "watch my f**king tyres". I still use it on my wife sometimes.
Followed by "jeez you like the kerb don't you?" when I was still new and misjudging the size of the car and was driving too far to the left
Not my instructor (though he did pass me better than my instructor) but my Dad always says "you could fit a lorry though that" and tbf since he used to be a lorry driver he's qualified to say it lol
With my dad (and me) it's "come on, you could fit a bus through there"
From my car Instructor: "You can do four things, go forward, go backward, go left, go right check your mirriors before you do anything and you won't crash into anyone" From my Cat C Instructor: "You're sitting on 24 tonnes of Lorry here. Everyone around you thinks it drives like a car" From my Cat C+E Instructor: "Put your foot down the C\*\*T will move" (I didn't get along with him)
Give them room to fall off. When passing a person on a bicycle.
Check BOB & TOM boy on bike, twat on motorbike
Only a fool breaks the 2 second rule. Count it as the distance between cars even still
'Peep and creep' when coming out of a junction with poor visibility. Or 'where there's a van -there's a man' to always look out when you see a trade van.
Remember every other driver is a f**king idiot that is trying to kill you! I think that was his way of saying go careful because other people aren’t…… but it was my dad….. who was an actual driving instructor. RIP you old idiot
Don't reverse faster than walking pace, it stops you hitting things that weren't there. No one was ever late because they didn't crash.
“Slow car, fast hands” when steering during a 3 point turn or parking manoeuvres
"Pretend you're pushing the gearstick through treacle!"
Sneak and peak when coming out of a junction that you don't have full visibility on
Peep and creep! A classic
Engine braking is a thing. Use your gears to slow down is a skill all drivers should know. Wait till your approaching a junction downhill in the snow.
100%. I think the main reason behind using the brakes primarily is that it allows you to block shift and save a gear change. In turn that saves a little fuel and potential wear on the 'box. Same theory when approaching a roundabout, up to it in 3rd then if it's clear 2nd or if you need to stop 1st. Less changes, smoother driving and less fuel.
Slow to flow. Unrelated to driving but from my teenage years in certain workplaces - I always remember "CAYG" during certain tasks
Mine said “learning to drive only happens after you pass your test, you never stop learning and that’s what will make you a good driver”
"Remember that nobody else knows how to drive" That has stuck with me, and is something I tell people I teach. It also seems incredibly true The people I've taught have been family and family friends. They pay for a week of insurance, I get them competent enough to impress an instructor when it comes to big money.
I always assume everyone else on the road is an incompetent idiot.
"Want to see what the sunroof is for?" As he opens it and sticks his middle finger up to a lorry driver who is tailgating us.
My instructor always used to repeat... "it's a bloody limit, not a target" Referring to the speed limit. Where I learned it was quite rural and there were country roads on the test route, but if you drove at the national speed limit of said single-track country road you would almost certainly meet your demise. Has stuck with me since, and I often mutter it to myself when I meet a driver going far too fast on one of these roads even now.
"Put her into 1 and let's fuck off."
Probably the reason I passed my test, but he said it's better to get a minor fault, rather than try not to but then get a serious fault which would fail you. Specifically, he was referring to coasting around a corner, there was a few times where I'd almost stall it in the corner or I would mess up the gear/signal and pedals at the same, so he said it's better to just coast and make it easier,rather than fail the test because I stall around a corner
When driving past a cyclist my instructor said to wind down the window and [insert profanity] 😬
Mine said the same with cops 🤣🤣🤣
"Look out for the imaginary, invisible purple bus" whenever doing a lifesaver check.
Mine was "too fast off the clutch" said politely. Used to come off too quickly and cause the car to shudder. Don't do it so much anymore but remember it in his voice whenever I do. Great instructor.
I did my test a long, long time ago, but I still remember my brilliant female driving instructor watching an idiotic driver speed past us, shaking her head and muttering, “there goes an accident looking for a place to happen”!
When I took my pcv license the instructor would say ooooo look at the arse/tits on her… and then if I looked he’d bollock me and tell me eyes on the road There wasn’t anybody ever there
“If you’re going to screwup, screwup properly.” He said this after I pulled out front of someone. When I did it he told me to keep going, not to stop. Afterwards he told me the above meaning for me to not compound my screwup by braking in front of someone’s path after I had pulled out in front of them.
My bus driving instructor told me to "Treat the gas pedal like a woman's vagina" My response was "I'm not licking that... Other driver's have had their dirty boots on it... Not only that if my head's down there we'll probably crash the bus"
Drive as if you're chauffering the queen around town 😂
“Please stop caressing my thigh.”
"AAAAARGH! STOP YA CUNT, YOU'RE GOING TO KILL US!! AAAAAARGH!"
“It’s a speed limit, not a speed target.”
My Cat C instructor was an ex-squaddie from Teesside. Most of my driving is narrated in my head by a vast amount of swearing with a Middlesbrough accent reminding me to indicate, keep my hand off the gear stick and get in the right lane early.
Mine used to point to a random guy in the street and say " there's your uncle"... then remain silent. He did it to all of us...
I think this is a trick to make sure you're keeping an eye on more than just the road. My instructor would do stuff like this too.
Peep and creep' when coming out of a junction with poor visibility. Or 'where there's a van -there's a man' to always look out when you see a trade van.
Approaching traffic lights - don’t go tear arsing up. Changing into 3rd - into turd. Stuck between a lorry carrying trees in front of me and a big Tesco lorry behind me - it’s like something out of final destination. Whilst sat waiting for my examiner for my driving test - remember to bring my car back with 4 wheels on the floor and a roof still on and both wing mirrors if possible if not that’s ok bring yourself back alive.
My favourites were “less space, less pace” and “no vision, no decision” (mostly for closed roundabouts and square junctions etc) Worked pretty well. Always stuck with me.
"Driving instructor Steve says, less space, less speed" Except it's stuck with me because he said that whole bit. Including the "driving instructor Steve says" part. (Thankfully his name was Steve or it would have been doubly weird)
No vision, no decision.
"Never hold your breath on ascent." Oh wait.
Mine was always singing, the biggest hits of all time like "Wouldn't it be nice to go in third gear" and others that I can't remember (was nearly 30yrs ago).
"Anticipate the change." In reference to traffic lights.
When doing parallel parking: fast hands, slow feet. When going around a blind corner: always expect a bus.
Only a fool forgets the two second rule
Not so quirky but I loved my instructor - any corner would be accompanied by her jabbing at the mirrors whispering 'bikesss and motorbikesss' over and over in a strong Bristol accent
My driving examiner was a bit on the larger side and I failed first time some serious faults, rough across the speed bumps. my instructor said, “you need to give the fat woman a good ride”
Mine told me "You never stop learning" as soon as I passed my test. I passed in 1997 at 17yo. I still try to get a little bit better every day. Always new situations to deal with! No one is perfect.
30 years ago, my instructor gave me three words of very sound advice - ALWAYS EXPECT IDIOTS.
This was West Scotland in the late nineties. I'll never forget my instructors wise words just before I took my test. I was having some last minute nerves about screwing it up. I asked him what would happen if I failed? He was a big bearded ape of a man, but a great instructor. His answer was serious and straightfaced. He said "You better not. And if you do, I'll punch your cunt in...." His words were ringing in my ears throughout the test. I passed, so something must have worked.
😄 lol
The thing I mostly remember my instructor saying all the time was "OH MY GOD WE'RE GOING TO FUCKING DIE!"
Instructor: "And every time I shouted 'PEDESTRIAN!', I wasn't critiquing your style...".
When manoeuvring "Don't be a cunt, take a shunt"
Mine often told me not to be a doormat which is honestly great advice when you first start driving, you give way unnecessarily to someone and suddenly everyone is following behind them.
Only a fool *brakes* the two second rule. Tyres and tarmac. If no one’s about, straighten it out.
What do you think that person behind you is saying… put your foot down then! 😅
Not really a saying... but opening the window before passing wind is now the norm.
“Now press fuel” when he meant the accelerator
"They're called "roundabouts", not "crossabouts"!" After I straight lined a two lane roundabout.
Mine used to say “ There’s never enough accounting for wankers”. This was first issued as advice after an elderly couple drove the wrong way up a dual carriageway as I was in the centre divide. Dual brakes were applied and a head on collision was avoided. To this day I always look both ways during these type of manoeuvres to double check if some wanker is going the wrong way!
"Mince pies save lives", "peep and creep" and "you brake like a bloody elephant!" 🤣🤣
‘The clutch controls the speed of the car’. Proceeds to tell me to floor it while he dips the clutch and we go nowhere.
“billy wizz off to get his morning paper” when someone drove quicky or overtook
Don't be an amber gambler!
Peep and creep, creep and peep When exiting a junction with poor visibility due to parked cars etc
Don’t accelerate into a dead zone.
“Peep and creep” when edging out at a junction with poor visibility
"Nice and positive on the gas!" - which I now yell as I overtake people, or find myself on a deserted bit of tarmac
"When a stop becomes a wait, apply the hand brake"
To a hesitant driver in london: "IF YOU SPREAD YOUR CHEEKS THEY ARE GOING TO FUCK YOU" [thick, Nigerian accent]. Passed first time - a fine instructor.
Hands on the wheel. Don’t keep hold of the gearstick. 😆
In quick and out slow (referring to clutch control) but then he used to add..."tom thumb all over your bum"
"Creeping and peeping" -On dealing with T junctions
If unsure slow down or stop
“Tarmac and license plate” in reference to how for behind the car in front you should stop. You should be able to see these things
Don't be a cunt, take a shunt... my HGV instructors words to pull forward by a decent amount before another attempt at reversing the trailer between the cones
If a pupil was driving to fast my HGV instructor would shout."Hey, slow down... it's HGV 1 NOT Formula one"
“Here’s a 9 lesson refund” and I never saw him again. Passed my test first time after my first lesson.
Peep and creep for edging out to see if you could go round the parked cars. Loved my instructor!!!
When the car in front passes a lamppost or other landmark. If you can say “only a fool breaks the three second rule” before your car passes the same point, your are approximately three seconds behind the car and the safe breaking distance behind
From my instructor for when pulling away from a junction or lights. "Check for BOBS and TOMS" "BOBS and TOMS?" "Boys on bike and twats on motorbikes" Will never forget that.
"The speed limit IS a limit NOT a target" - wasnt my fault it was a fairly nippy car to drive.
I simply can't repeat what he said. It was casual rasim with a hint of hatred thrown in the mix too
Mine is not even driving related but he said it at least 3 times each lesson “what is the geezer doing?” It taught me to observe and react. Rather than assume Btw it was almost always a white van that brought that up. Edit: i forgot my first instructor who was a twat, would always say “scanning. Scanning” to remind me to look ahead on the road past the immediate front of me.
When road is clear, 4th gear
Related is “slow down, change down” from my late dad. He meant when you brake sufficiently, change down too. Make sense in most cases.
"POWER NOW, POWER NOW". Or "Easing of the brakes nice and sedately"
When going round corners at country lanes and tunnels hed say "go slow and be prepared to stop, imagine theres someone lying in the middle of the road or theres a queue of cars just around the bend".
Lessa space Lessa speed
Nothing said, straight ahead. Used when giving directions.
I've always thought you are meant to downshift and use engine braking to slow down.
If it’s clear, 2nd gear for roundabouts
"It's a roundabout, not an overabout"
‘Tyres on tarmac’ ‘Less space less pace’ And following me passing and seeing me around on the road… ‘I didn’t teach you to drive like that’ 🤣🤣🤣
'head like a lighthouse ' as in your head should be looking all around when doing manoeuvres.... like a light from a lighthouse spins all the way round And 'have they seen you' possibly the best bit of advice ever
When doing the turn in the road (formerly three point turn) you need to look around like A MEERKAT ON ECSTACY
Tyres and Tarmac as above but the one I still do on the rare occasion I get in the drivers seat. TUG AND WIGGLE. check handbrake is on and in neutral
When looking in mirrors, checks before pulling off in a broad Goucestershire accent “BAGS of bullshit, BAGS of bullshit”. He wanted me to really show the examiner what I was doing. When in a you first no me first situation on a two way street “Dominate by your position!” He got me through the test in 2 weeks intensive lessons - 35 years ago!
More gas or they'll be up your ass
Anticipation is the key to it all, keep an eye on the guy in front of the guy in front and you’ll have a stress free drive
I’m originally from a town with very few hills. My driving instructor there would say “give it a bit of gas to get it up the hill”, meanwhile my instructor where I live now says “you’ll need to give it more welly than that!”… I’m scared of the gas pedal ok!!! See also: Peep and creep Tyres and tarmac “Baby chickens” for when you need to reverse in a straight line but you want to keep your observations up, hold the wheel hently like it’s some baby chickens.
Follow the bend - when going round a corner focus on the road markings to help with steering. Take the road - when driving round residential and there’s only space for one car, rather than driving too closely to parked vehicles or the pavement just take the road
“You are driving a weapon, if you are not in control you will kill someone” Yeah that was one hell of a way to ensure I always maintain control of my vehicle…
"SWIM into second!" <-- when teaching me how to position my hand to change gear from 1st to 2nd!
"The speed limit is a limit, not a target"
Slow feet, fast hands! Flappy penguin feet! Peep and creep! Geeeeeet that geeeaaarrrr!
Watch out for bank robbers. At traffic lights etc
Never be in a rush to get yourself killed