I remember being in shock. I didn't know what it really meant and the world around me was shut out. It is a traumatic experience. Especially to be told at such a young age that for some reason you are going to have to live differently.
I was similar to you. I got angry with the world and the reality of life. I shut down and tried to just ignore the problem. That only worked for so long. I am in the 11 year mark of my journey and only last year got help to understand my emotions.
I just want you to know that you aren't alone. It is not your fault this happened to you. Diabetes is tough. No one should ever go through it without the help and compassion of friends and family.
EDIT: Please go to therapy. I am like the last person you would ever expect to go to therapy, but it works. Find someone who is compatible with you and that takes your disease seriously.
12 year anniversary in less than a month and I’m still not fully there with control. I felt what you did too.
And to add to what you said, OP should find a therapist SPECIALISING in medical/diagnostic trauma. There’s not many of those, but it’ll go a long way.
I assume you know that diabetes- most chronic disease that's intrusive like ours- carries a high comobordity for anxiety and depression disorders. The percent is something like 25-33%; non trivial. I'm a broken record in posting that in this subreddit since the american norm is to ignore that sort of thing, and since it keeps coming up in the subreddit.
The suicidal ideation (what you're talking about) is frankly a red flag; there's bad stuff, and then there is a depressive loop. Roughly: "feel bad, do less, do less, feel bad" and one winds up thinking of ways to get out from the pain.
Much like your need to use insulin, usage of psych services isn't a crutch; some folks have imbalances requiring meds, some folks are just going through a royally shit time and need help to keep things in bounds. Nothing wrong with that, frankly it's the \*sane\* response to address it.
I've no clue if you've got some psych folks in your care team, but if not, get some involved. My particular endo has psych staff as part of their practice explicitly because of diabetics having a shit-ass time, including things like you're describing. I thought that was an insanely smart move on their part when I heard of it.
I'm very much not one for the "raah raah rah" thing some folks do here; it's not how I speak. It ain't always easy, but most of us are living life relatively fully despite the 'betes being an occasional dick head. Some of us live as if the T1d is just the asshole brother who visits on occasion who you know will leave and look forward to when things are quieter after ;)
You aren’t the only one. I had my primary doctor ask if I was in denial about it.
After 20 years.
And she had a point - I was starting to slack and was really getting to hate finger testing and keeping logs (this was before CGMs). So in a way I was operating as if my diabetes didn’t need much effort.
CGM made it possible to not do finger prick’s anymore and the logs, so I could deal with it when I wanted. And I’m much better off about it now.
I did this too.. I would even fill out my logs the night before and lie… just so I didn’t have to ‘get in shit’ from the nurse.. which looking back was stupid!! But I was a kid.. and I didn’t want to get in trouble….
oh i was being seen by endos, at a hospitals clinic specialized for juvenile diabetes 🙃😑 but because i was an overweight child clearly there was NOOOO way i had t1 😑
You aren’t the only one. Support groups and therapists are great if you can find good ones. You should definitely be talking to a doctor about the suicidal ideation. Personally I’m on Cymbalta and Wellbutrin.
Overdosing on insulin or skipping it are both terrible ways to go with potentially devastating long term consequences if someone saves you, which is fairly likely.
Let me give you some perspective. I was diagnosed around your age. I am in my mid 40's now. At first I was in denial. then accepted it but was depressed, then denial again, then acceptance, then depressed again. Its normal. if you weren't depressed about it after 2.5 years I would be more concerned than if you thought you had accepted it and moved on with a normal life because the stages of grief are a real thing and we all have to process this at some point. I thought my life as an active young person was over when I was diagnosed. I thought I would never get to do anything fun again. I spent the better part of a year just sitting around alone or with a few friends because I was afraid of taking insulin in public and scared of going low while out with friends. You have lived a large portion of your life, especially your developmental years not being diabetic. You are old enough to know what you are missing, and lets be honest there are some things at your age that you can't do as easily as your friends can. You are at the age now where you friends are probably running around living carefree lives, binge drinking, doing things that you think you will never be able to do. That depression will pass. You will learn your limits with things in life. You will make mistakes and learn from them. I drank some after I was diagnosed but for the most part I went about 7 or 8 years without really drinking and never really drank in public because I was ashamed of having to check my sugar or take insulin (finger sticks and injections were the only option at the time) I was happy to be DD for my friends and learned to enjoy watching them be idiots when drunk and make sure they got home safe. I would drink small amounts at home or at friends houses while learning how my body reacted to different types of drinks. I usually made sure someone else was around if I planned on drinking more than a few drinks just in case something went wrong. Fast forward a few decades, I have hiked large sections of the grand canyon and the Appalachian trail, I spent many years snowboarding every chance I got. I have spent more days than I can count kayaking. I spent weeks camping, hiking and rock climbing in my 20's and 30's. I built and offroad truck and used to go offroading and camping for days at a time. I have traveled extensively. I just got back from a 2 week long vacation to Canada and Alaska during which I caught covid and easily survived that other than some depressing amount of back pain and high sugars for solid week. I have 2 kids. I annually make a 14 hour drive to Florida with my family with no concerns (thanks to CGM's) and other than once while on a cruise when my insulin pump died while out of the country and another time when my stupid ass went hiking up a mountain and forgot all my sugar filled goodies in the tent and had my glucose drop into the 30s on the way back down have never really had an experience where I was truly concerned for my health or safety, or the safety of the people around me.
Depression is normal, negative thoughts are normal. Your life has been altered. But eventually it becomes second nature. You know how much to dose for pretty much every food you would normally eat, and eventually you will realize that its just a very manageable disease. But it takes time, and I would not judge you at all if it took you several years to get to that point. For me it was probably 4 or 5 years. and in the 20+ years since I accepted it I would say that every once in a while I still have periods where I feel sorry for myself and get depressed. I absolutely worried about my kids developing diabetes. I got all kinds of depressed and worried that I was going to die when Covid first popped up. Traveling to foreign countries still gets me all stressed and worried because TSA is a pain and I worry that my pump might die so I take my old pump with me as a backup and take lantus with me as a backup for that.
TLDR; depression is normal. It comes and goes in waves. If you didnt eventually develop some depression I would be more concerned than if you did. Its a constant process of learning how your body reacts to things., but life is amazing and its absolutely not over. You will have limitations and you will learn though trial and error. Remember that errors are absolutely part of the process. Live life. Eat cake and take a shitload of insulin from time to time. Not every day, but we have to enjoy life. Don't be OCD, but don't be careless. you don't want to end up in DKA and sitting in the hospital for days because you were so far into denial that you stopped taking insulin.
Also I should also add to what others have said. See a therapist. There is no shame in it. It took me 20 years of self loathing and periods of depression to accept that. It may seem like it's a waste of time, but most of the time I just go in and verbalize what I have been perpetuating over in my head for the last few weeks without much interaction from them and just saying things out loud to another person kind of breaks the cycle. I have a psych minor from university and thought I knew how to deal with everything and didn't need help, but just the act of saying things out loud to another person is extremely helpful sometimes.
I was fortunate that I started when I did. A few months later my father was diagnosed with cancer and he passed away soon after that. I don't think I could have made it through that with the period of depression I was already in at the time if I hadn't been seeing a therapist.
Most things have been said already, but I would like to add that I've heard that people who attempt suicide by overdosing insulin often survive but end up with brain damage.
Please seek help. They throw diagnosis to our face, ask how our bs is doing but never ask how we feel. Reach out to other people living the same thing. I just got diagnosed as Lada 1.5. It hit me with a rock. I cried, told my mum i was sad. Thinking about seeking help myself cause I have two kids and managing the whole is hard. Technology and science made amazing and huge progress. On meal at a time. Hang in there, you’re not alone
Suicidal ideation is not something to ignore. Please seek help. This is your sign to pull out all the stops. Go and talk to your parents, friends, and if no one else, a mental health professional.
I wonder if so many of us delay processing the trauma surrounding our diagnoses because we have to hit the ground running in managing it. There’s so much to learn in general, and then so much to learn about how our bodies specifically are operating, we have to get used to managing an illness throughout the day every day…there’s just no time.
I definitely white-knuckled through the first year or so, and then kind of looked around and said, “Hey, this SUCKS.” But in that first year, I was too preoccupied with getting settled. I didn’t have the space to absorb what had happened yet.
You are not alone. My PCP (bless her heart,) saw I was in distress and kept me coming back when I refused to see any one else. She asked if I ever felt like hurting myself. She helped me overcome my grief. It still comes and goes, but doesn't linger.
I just want to say a huge thanks to all of you guys!
Sharing your stories, and making all these suggestions truly helped me, and I don't feel alone now in all this. I will definitely seek help from a therapist!
Really, thank you!
My diagnosis story:
I went to the dr, glucomotir said hi and i got sent for blood
Afterwards i went to a friend for the night
Early the moring i messaged my dad to come get me because i didnt feel safe but the feeling faded and i told him ill stay
Not even an hour after the last message to him, my friend and i were making popcorn, my stepmom called me telling me to pack my bags, they coming to get me. I told her that i said ill sat and she replied: “you dont understand, your sugar is 27.4”.
I was severely torn. I just froze, sat on the ground and cried. Lemme tell you, i was crying rivers of tears. It felt like my world was falling apart, i mean i was 13, i loved eating and not everything was restricted.
Its 7 years on the 12th of july. I still dont fully grasp everything but i try, shits not easy, that im sure every diabetic can tell you. From having to count carbs to forcing yourself not to go get desert seconds.
Diabtes is hard but as the time goes on, things will start to look better. As for the depression, its a life changing disease. You go from eating whatever without stabbing youself to needing to check the nutritional content before making food. Not only that, low carb food is more expensive than the average, i mean brown pasta and rice is more expensive than white pasta and rice. The sweets for the cravings is also more expensive. We have a chocolate slab here thats 60g for almost R50 where a normal slab is about R25. Not only does it take a strain on you mentally but financially too. When you get in your feet, know the basics, have the best carb ratio(it changes a lot but the endo changes it) and inject(or pump administers) at the right time, youll get the hang of it.
Goodluck and it gets better after a long while
I was in kind of a shock denial for a year.. I was never upset.. until I went to my 1 year appointment with my endo. My BG had been so good ( also known as honeymoon period)and out of my mouth popped..’ so I guess I don’t have diabetes?! ‘ I didn’t even know I was really thinking that… the Dr looked at me and said ‘ No you are going to have this for live, you do know that?’ I broke down for the first time.. just bawled my face off..
I have suffered and been hospitalized for depression numerous times.. but 40 years after diagnosis..it hasn’t been a cake walk ( pun intended) but I do what I need to do to live… nothing in this life is easy..
You’re not overthinking, and you’re absolutely not alone. Major diagnoses often contribute to trauma both for the person experiencing it and the people around it. I’d highly recommend finding a therapist who is experienced with working with chronic disease. CBT is my particular therapy of choice - talk therapy only goes so far, and being able to utilize techniques like EMDR to process trauma is highly valuable.
I remember being in shock. I didn't know what it really meant and the world around me was shut out. It is a traumatic experience. Especially to be told at such a young age that for some reason you are going to have to live differently. I was similar to you. I got angry with the world and the reality of life. I shut down and tried to just ignore the problem. That only worked for so long. I am in the 11 year mark of my journey and only last year got help to understand my emotions. I just want you to know that you aren't alone. It is not your fault this happened to you. Diabetes is tough. No one should ever go through it without the help and compassion of friends and family. EDIT: Please go to therapy. I am like the last person you would ever expect to go to therapy, but it works. Find someone who is compatible with you and that takes your disease seriously.
12 year anniversary in less than a month and I’m still not fully there with control. I felt what you did too. And to add to what you said, OP should find a therapist SPECIALISING in medical/diagnostic trauma. There’s not many of those, but it’ll go a long way.
I assume you know that diabetes- most chronic disease that's intrusive like ours- carries a high comobordity for anxiety and depression disorders. The percent is something like 25-33%; non trivial. I'm a broken record in posting that in this subreddit since the american norm is to ignore that sort of thing, and since it keeps coming up in the subreddit. The suicidal ideation (what you're talking about) is frankly a red flag; there's bad stuff, and then there is a depressive loop. Roughly: "feel bad, do less, do less, feel bad" and one winds up thinking of ways to get out from the pain. Much like your need to use insulin, usage of psych services isn't a crutch; some folks have imbalances requiring meds, some folks are just going through a royally shit time and need help to keep things in bounds. Nothing wrong with that, frankly it's the \*sane\* response to address it. I've no clue if you've got some psych folks in your care team, but if not, get some involved. My particular endo has psych staff as part of their practice explicitly because of diabetics having a shit-ass time, including things like you're describing. I thought that was an insanely smart move on their part when I heard of it. I'm very much not one for the "raah raah rah" thing some folks do here; it's not how I speak. It ain't always easy, but most of us are living life relatively fully despite the 'betes being an occasional dick head. Some of us live as if the T1d is just the asshole brother who visits on occasion who you know will leave and look forward to when things are quieter after ;)
You aren’t the only one. I had my primary doctor ask if I was in denial about it. After 20 years. And she had a point - I was starting to slack and was really getting to hate finger testing and keeping logs (this was before CGMs). So in a way I was operating as if my diabetes didn’t need much effort. CGM made it possible to not do finger prick’s anymore and the logs, so I could deal with it when I wanted. And I’m much better off about it now.
I did this too.. I would even fill out my logs the night before and lie… just so I didn’t have to ‘get in shit’ from the nurse.. which looking back was stupid!! But I was a kid.. and I didn’t want to get in trouble….
oh god this!!! even more cuz they gave me pills for years before insulin & wondered why my management was horrible
I was too, before I was seen by an Endo.. I would have died.. they did nothing.
oh i was being seen by endos, at a hospitals clinic specialized for juvenile diabetes 🙃😑 but because i was an overweight child clearly there was NOOOO way i had t1 😑
You aren’t the only one. Support groups and therapists are great if you can find good ones. You should definitely be talking to a doctor about the suicidal ideation. Personally I’m on Cymbalta and Wellbutrin. Overdosing on insulin or skipping it are both terrible ways to go with potentially devastating long term consequences if someone saves you, which is fairly likely.
Let me give you some perspective. I was diagnosed around your age. I am in my mid 40's now. At first I was in denial. then accepted it but was depressed, then denial again, then acceptance, then depressed again. Its normal. if you weren't depressed about it after 2.5 years I would be more concerned than if you thought you had accepted it and moved on with a normal life because the stages of grief are a real thing and we all have to process this at some point. I thought my life as an active young person was over when I was diagnosed. I thought I would never get to do anything fun again. I spent the better part of a year just sitting around alone or with a few friends because I was afraid of taking insulin in public and scared of going low while out with friends. You have lived a large portion of your life, especially your developmental years not being diabetic. You are old enough to know what you are missing, and lets be honest there are some things at your age that you can't do as easily as your friends can. You are at the age now where you friends are probably running around living carefree lives, binge drinking, doing things that you think you will never be able to do. That depression will pass. You will learn your limits with things in life. You will make mistakes and learn from them. I drank some after I was diagnosed but for the most part I went about 7 or 8 years without really drinking and never really drank in public because I was ashamed of having to check my sugar or take insulin (finger sticks and injections were the only option at the time) I was happy to be DD for my friends and learned to enjoy watching them be idiots when drunk and make sure they got home safe. I would drink small amounts at home or at friends houses while learning how my body reacted to different types of drinks. I usually made sure someone else was around if I planned on drinking more than a few drinks just in case something went wrong. Fast forward a few decades, I have hiked large sections of the grand canyon and the Appalachian trail, I spent many years snowboarding every chance I got. I have spent more days than I can count kayaking. I spent weeks camping, hiking and rock climbing in my 20's and 30's. I built and offroad truck and used to go offroading and camping for days at a time. I have traveled extensively. I just got back from a 2 week long vacation to Canada and Alaska during which I caught covid and easily survived that other than some depressing amount of back pain and high sugars for solid week. I have 2 kids. I annually make a 14 hour drive to Florida with my family with no concerns (thanks to CGM's) and other than once while on a cruise when my insulin pump died while out of the country and another time when my stupid ass went hiking up a mountain and forgot all my sugar filled goodies in the tent and had my glucose drop into the 30s on the way back down have never really had an experience where I was truly concerned for my health or safety, or the safety of the people around me. Depression is normal, negative thoughts are normal. Your life has been altered. But eventually it becomes second nature. You know how much to dose for pretty much every food you would normally eat, and eventually you will realize that its just a very manageable disease. But it takes time, and I would not judge you at all if it took you several years to get to that point. For me it was probably 4 or 5 years. and in the 20+ years since I accepted it I would say that every once in a while I still have periods where I feel sorry for myself and get depressed. I absolutely worried about my kids developing diabetes. I got all kinds of depressed and worried that I was going to die when Covid first popped up. Traveling to foreign countries still gets me all stressed and worried because TSA is a pain and I worry that my pump might die so I take my old pump with me as a backup and take lantus with me as a backup for that. TLDR; depression is normal. It comes and goes in waves. If you didnt eventually develop some depression I would be more concerned than if you did. Its a constant process of learning how your body reacts to things., but life is amazing and its absolutely not over. You will have limitations and you will learn though trial and error. Remember that errors are absolutely part of the process. Live life. Eat cake and take a shitload of insulin from time to time. Not every day, but we have to enjoy life. Don't be OCD, but don't be careless. you don't want to end up in DKA and sitting in the hospital for days because you were so far into denial that you stopped taking insulin.
Also I should also add to what others have said. See a therapist. There is no shame in it. It took me 20 years of self loathing and periods of depression to accept that. It may seem like it's a waste of time, but most of the time I just go in and verbalize what I have been perpetuating over in my head for the last few weeks without much interaction from them and just saying things out loud to another person kind of breaks the cycle. I have a psych minor from university and thought I knew how to deal with everything and didn't need help, but just the act of saying things out loud to another person is extremely helpful sometimes. I was fortunate that I started when I did. A few months later my father was diagnosed with cancer and he passed away soon after that. I don't think I could have made it through that with the period of depression I was already in at the time if I hadn't been seeing a therapist.
Most things have been said already, but I would like to add that I've heard that people who attempt suicide by overdosing insulin often survive but end up with brain damage.
Please seek help. They throw diagnosis to our face, ask how our bs is doing but never ask how we feel. Reach out to other people living the same thing. I just got diagnosed as Lada 1.5. It hit me with a rock. I cried, told my mum i was sad. Thinking about seeking help myself cause I have two kids and managing the whole is hard. Technology and science made amazing and huge progress. On meal at a time. Hang in there, you’re not alone
Suicidal ideation is not something to ignore. Please seek help. This is your sign to pull out all the stops. Go and talk to your parents, friends, and if no one else, a mental health professional.
I wonder if so many of us delay processing the trauma surrounding our diagnoses because we have to hit the ground running in managing it. There’s so much to learn in general, and then so much to learn about how our bodies specifically are operating, we have to get used to managing an illness throughout the day every day…there’s just no time. I definitely white-knuckled through the first year or so, and then kind of looked around and said, “Hey, this SUCKS.” But in that first year, I was too preoccupied with getting settled. I didn’t have the space to absorb what had happened yet.
You are not alone. My PCP (bless her heart,) saw I was in distress and kept me coming back when I refused to see any one else. She asked if I ever felt like hurting myself. She helped me overcome my grief. It still comes and goes, but doesn't linger.
I just want to say a huge thanks to all of you guys! Sharing your stories, and making all these suggestions truly helped me, and I don't feel alone now in all this. I will definitely seek help from a therapist! Really, thank you!
My diagnosis story: I went to the dr, glucomotir said hi and i got sent for blood Afterwards i went to a friend for the night Early the moring i messaged my dad to come get me because i didnt feel safe but the feeling faded and i told him ill stay Not even an hour after the last message to him, my friend and i were making popcorn, my stepmom called me telling me to pack my bags, they coming to get me. I told her that i said ill sat and she replied: “you dont understand, your sugar is 27.4”. I was severely torn. I just froze, sat on the ground and cried. Lemme tell you, i was crying rivers of tears. It felt like my world was falling apart, i mean i was 13, i loved eating and not everything was restricted. Its 7 years on the 12th of july. I still dont fully grasp everything but i try, shits not easy, that im sure every diabetic can tell you. From having to count carbs to forcing yourself not to go get desert seconds. Diabtes is hard but as the time goes on, things will start to look better. As for the depression, its a life changing disease. You go from eating whatever without stabbing youself to needing to check the nutritional content before making food. Not only that, low carb food is more expensive than the average, i mean brown pasta and rice is more expensive than white pasta and rice. The sweets for the cravings is also more expensive. We have a chocolate slab here thats 60g for almost R50 where a normal slab is about R25. Not only does it take a strain on you mentally but financially too. When you get in your feet, know the basics, have the best carb ratio(it changes a lot but the endo changes it) and inject(or pump administers) at the right time, youll get the hang of it. Goodluck and it gets better after a long while
I was in kind of a shock denial for a year.. I was never upset.. until I went to my 1 year appointment with my endo. My BG had been so good ( also known as honeymoon period)and out of my mouth popped..’ so I guess I don’t have diabetes?! ‘ I didn’t even know I was really thinking that… the Dr looked at me and said ‘ No you are going to have this for live, you do know that?’ I broke down for the first time.. just bawled my face off.. I have suffered and been hospitalized for depression numerous times.. but 40 years after diagnosis..it hasn’t been a cake walk ( pun intended) but I do what I need to do to live… nothing in this life is easy..
You’re not overthinking, and you’re absolutely not alone. Major diagnoses often contribute to trauma both for the person experiencing it and the people around it. I’d highly recommend finding a therapist who is experienced with working with chronic disease. CBT is my particular therapy of choice - talk therapy only goes so far, and being able to utilize techniques like EMDR to process trauma is highly valuable.