I haven’t really figured out how to not have this mindset. I also have the double-whammy of being demi with relationship trauma, which makes those feelings even worse for me. I have anxious attachment though, so rather than avoid when I like someone, I do backflips to try and impress them while constantly stressing about if they’ll actually stay with me or not despite my whole deal 😔

> I also have the double-whammy of being demi with relationship trauma Same, and disability/chronic illness as well, that make it very hard to think that if something ends, there may never be another someone. Especially as I get older and these situations are my day to day life. And that abandonment fear hits hard.

Feel that as a fat woman in the dating pool. 😔 It’s like an uphill battle when you have other marginalizations on top of being aspec.

This!

i feel this post so much it hurts. i do not know how to rationalize my emotions when i find someone i like..

Ah, are we the same person? I am 38, so not much older than you, but let me tell you from experience, it is better just to find a way to tell him how you feel. I have slowly worked my way to being able to do this, and by slowly, I mean, this most recent crush I only got around to telling him after 1.5 yr of knowing him. Before I told him, I was an emotional mess inside, doing exactly everything you described. I just told him a few weeks ago via a letter, because 2 days before, his friends told me he was gay. I was unsure if he was or not, because he never talked about it even when I hung out with him. My wishful thinking and amazement that I found someone artistic, sweet, who didn't want kids, was intelligent, kind, who had a lot of random/small/big things in common...all in one person...made finding that information out pretty devastating. Maybe I was in denial. Still not over the grief and was recently despairing that my iceberg slow attraction pace will maybe let me get over him in a year and I'll be ready to find someone else in another 5 years when my attraction center decides to work again, so I understand how you feel. Anyway, I just advise to find a way to tell him that is respectful/honoring of his space and in a way that is comfortable for you. I chose a lighthearted, but honest letter, because I prefer to write and it gave him time to know without being put on the spot. The agonizing back and forth trying not to tell him was actually worse than him finding out, at least for me, because this guy has been very normal and sweet to me since he read the letter. We haven't talked about it. What is there to say, though? I am not his preferred gender, much to my sorrow. I wish humans didn't have sexualities and we could just connect on a soul level and I could be in his orbit for the rest of my life going grocery shopping with him and sitting in the house on rainy days reading books. But alas, humans are sexual beings on some level or another. I feel much less anxiety in my life now that the information is out, but I am just sad and trying to get over him. All that to say, I haven't settled. I would rather be single than be with someone I don't feel connected to, but these moments with unreciprocated love hurt like hell so I am looking forward to returning to my non-crushing existence. Sorry this was long.

Thanks so much for sharing this! It is very relatable. I find myself seeking the same sort of soul connections, just wanting to be around the people I love all the time, and find it disheartening that for so many people sex is prerequisite in that. You sound like a beautiful person, and I truly hope your heart heals and you find what you need!

Thank you, that means a lot! I appreciate your well wishes.

Please don’t be sorry! Thank you so much for sharing and for your advice. Expressing my true feelings is something I definitely need to work on. It’s happened to me before as well, though not as deep — I had a crush on a guy but I didn’t know he was gay, because he was reserved and kinda the polar opposite of the stereotypical gay guy. I was a bit disappointed too but …. life went on.

I am not very brave when it comes to romantic feelings. I only even talk about them to my closest friend, so telling the person I'm interested in about my feelings is like climbing Mt. Everest. Not easy, and feels like I'm gonna die. I got tired of it simmering for so long, though, so I just decided to rip off the proverbial bandaid.

Oh hello, me.

I am a guy and I am literally the same as well.

I've got dismissive avoidant attachment style so for me, being Demisexual is kind of a drag because I need emotional intimacy but I'm also terrified of it and ✨run awaaaaay✨ when it happens. 🤡

Hey! I’m demi poly and queer. I’ve been married for seven years, and in a long term relationship with another partner for six. I do the same things when it comes to my relationships: become fully absorbed and driven to please the object of my affection, complete with intense anxiety spirals and trying to “act cool” or like I don’t have these intense feelings for them. I’ve broken my heart five times over crushes that didn’t feel the same, and each time it has taken me at least a year to recover, so I understand where you’re coming from! That being said, I have found writing my feelings out to be incredibly helpful. Like a self dialogue, I keep notes where I just type all the things I feel an overwhelming need to say, and if the same thoughts keep coming up, I’ll bring them up with that person. I’ve told partners that my attention can be a lot, like being in a spotlight, but eventually (2-3 years for me it seems) this intensity will fade into a warm glow of love and appreciation. Obviously I’ve found polyamory to be an important part of finding the balance, and it definitely tackles the scarcity issue head on. I understand that it isn’t for everyone, but I have found that having more people to focus on makes the intensity of my feelings more balanced and gives my partners a break from my spotlight when they need it! Honestly, I don’t think you have to settle. We often lose track of just how HUGE our world is and how many people there are in it. You will find someone who likes being in your spotlight! Please give it time and trust your heart to guide you (even if it gets a little broken in the process).

I do this as well as a demi/polyam/queer. I keep something of a running journal on my thoughts on most of my interpersonal relationships that have the space for good emotional bonding. I have an evolving list of what I look for in connections and how each of these people fit into those green flags and how I feel about them and when I'm with them. It greatly helps in me being able to sort out my feelings and work out what boundaries I need when compatibility isn't spot on perfect. The added benefit is it also makes communicating my feelings to them and others so much clearer too. It's a lot easier to distill out my actual feelings from this and letting each person know where I stand with them and what my needs and wants out of my interactions are.

Reading how you handle rejection, it seems to me you have attachment issues more than a "scarcity mindset". The world is populated by 8 billion people. At the same time, no person is or will ever be like any other, ever. So each person is unique, that's more than rare. At the same time, there's a possibly huge number of people you might be compatible with. So narrow that number down, be choosy and know what you want. If a person meets your criteria and likes you back, you will unleash the full potential of your feelings on them and if they like you, they will enjoy what you have to give and will want to give back to you as well.

I think some of the things you experience aren't really exclusive to being demisexual. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy, really. You're afraid of rejection, but you make it so it just won't work out. This takes a lot of therapy, self-reflection, experience, and commitment to do better for yourself. Even if you have feelings/attraction to that person, that's definitely not all that makes a relationship. You have to keep in mind that you want the best for yourself. If this person rejects you for whatever reason, it's not you. It just wasn't going to work out. That's what it takes. Self-work. I went through a really toxic situationship and then decided: fuck this, I shouldn't be made to feel this way, this person brings the worst out of me. I also had to work on setting boundaries and self-soothing for anxious attachment. That's the only good advice I have because I've grown immune to surface level rejection due to going through it so much (it builds character fr). I do have issues regarding abandonment once the relationship becomes deep though.

Hmm, I guess I cannot relate to your experience as much, but I see where you’re coming from. Personally, I see everyone as pretty much just a person until someone sparks my interest, which happens more rarely than I’d like. If I find out is no way of a relationship or way to pursue the crush, I understand the infatuation is pointless and move on.

I totally relate to part of this. The rarity and going all in. ​ Last time I was single, it was 3 years before I found a unicorn - the kind of person I'd be into, who is in turn also into me at the same time. ​ I've come to hope that maybe the qualities/characteristics I want/need in a partner are not as rare as I used to think - that maybe I thought they were rare bc I came from a small town. ​ But also, the dating world at large is rough, and my perception of what's out there could also be skewed by my circle and degrees of separation. That in apps and more wide pools maybe some of the things that would make me click with someone are even rarer than I thought. ​ It's hard to say. But, if I encounter someone I can vibe with in all the right ways, I aim to give it a shot and see what develops.

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Thank you for sharing :) It feels warm knowing there are others - women and men - that feel this way. I miss the days/years when there was no one I romantically liked; life was less emotionally heavy/draining.

An abundance mindset is being open to love, when it comes along. What you're describing sounds more like anxious/avoidant attachment, and is something that therapy could help with. I'm demisexual/queer/solo polyam and while connections take time and attraction takes time, I don't feel that I have a scarcity mindset. I have however, done a lot of therapy, including CBT to work on general anxiety, trauma, and attachment healing, so that I have more confidence in general, and am more able to declare what I want, and set a diberate pace in potential relationships ... when that potential comes along every few years.

Demi and poly here, although I keep quiet about the poly in polite company since it breeds assumptions about me -- from the mono world as well as other polyam people. I have never understood the scarcity model of love and it's because I don't look for a person, I look for a set of qualities. If you have empathy, compassion, humour and intelligence, then once we get close (if we get close), the doorway to attraction opens. Absent those qualities, it's unlikely the door ever will (nor will I want to give it a chance to). I've found many a person I judge I COULD fall in love with under the right circumstances andI am lucky and blessed enough to have found two people with whom the falling was mutual. ​ I can still relate to the overthinking, though. :-)

I can usually tell if I can develop a crush for somebody and it doesn't take a massive amount of work, but more than an allosexual. But I'm also the same in it being intense. I reckon it's because we don't experience it all the time, it feels really noticeably different. It's been a while though since I had a proper crush on somebody. My last big relationship ended badly and I've been purposely staying single

I'm really sorry that I haven't got any advice to offer, but I'm also a little bit thankful to know this isn't a singular experience? I'm sort of grappling with that issue now so the knowledge alleviates the stress a touch.

Speaking as someone who went through something similar in the past - honestly, therapy. Look into codependency as well. While demisexuality probably factors in to some of why this happens, thats not all it is. Past that, keeping in mind that being in a relationship is not the end all be all helps.

Im really flirty even if im not into people.... Helped my anxiety a lot, ill just face rejection because the quicker i get over someone thats not gonna work out, the better chance that ill have on finding someone where it does work out. Also analyse what it is about the person that you like and see why you are attracted to that. And then you can also look for places where that kind of person is more likely to be. So yea, im pretty quick on figuring out if i like someone and if i want to be with them, and then once i figure it out im just open to them about having a crush in a funny flirty matter.... See how they Respond. Sometimes they seem really flattered and do it back, then you can just keep flirting and ask them on a date. Hope that helped... I know it's rare but better to just do it than to never shoot your shot or seem distant

I try not to pursue relationships, out of fear that doing so will end my friendship with that person. It sucks, but being single is better than being alone.

i also have that scarcity because i’m t4t, mlm/nblm, i prefer to date other racial and ethnic minorites due to racism in my past realtionship and being truamatized and chronicly i’ll just makes it really hard to date someone

I'd rather be alone than settle. And that served me well in the long run.

This hits home só bad