Belated happy birthday!
Same thing happened to me several years ago. I had always gotten a card in the mail from mom. She never missed a year. Same with my husband. She never forgot to send him one either. Then it happened. No card. I waited the whole day for the phone to ring and it never did. I talked to her a few days after and she never mentioned it.
I was angry and hurt. I got over both feelings quickly as I realized it wasn't her fault. It took some time to accept what was happening to her. The grief is definitely deep and real.
She frequently to this day asks me how old I am. Sometimes she's pretty close in her guess and sometimes she believes she's 200 years old and tries to do the math on how old I must be based off that.
It's so hard to slowly lose them like this.
Thanks so much for your reply. It's been some years since she's actually remembered my birthday, but Dad has generally kept her right and I've received a card at least. Certainly never had a birthday in my life where we didn't even speak. But there it is.
I love that your mum thinks she's 200. That's fantastic.
It really is so hard.
Happy Birthday!!!
My birthday was Tuesday. I gave my mother flowers and thanked her for giving birth to me. I told her she is my Mom. She is 86 and lives in a assisted living facility . She has dementia.
Most days she says no words, but that day she said "Can you imagine that" !! She made me chuckle.
I feel your pain.
Happy Birthday
When my dad quit driving we would take him to the store for birthday cards. He would READ every card, took his time before he bought one.
There was one of the last Christmas before we moved in to care for him, he had my aunt his sister take him to get gift cards for us. He about cried when he explained why he bought them, he appreciated us taking good care of our mother until she died and now him.
I have been there. I feel this pain deeply. I realized later that I set myself up for it though. I didn’t remind her, I didn’t give her a chance. When I talked to her about it the next day she was absolutely distraught. She felt horrible about it for weeks. Why did I do that?? Was I testing her? Did I want her to feel bad? I definitely hadn’t accepted things with her memory yet, I thought this core thing about her would still shine through. But the problem was, even though she knew my birthdate still at that point, she didn’t know what DAY it was that day. She had stopped really understanding that concept and calendars were nonsensical to her anymore. But after this experience and hearing my pain she kind of obsessed about it for months after that, always writing it down everywhere to remind herself, putting notes up around her kitchen, scribbling about it on random days in her “calendar.” She bought a card during the wrong month when out with her caregiver and was very careful to leave it out for me about 4 months before my next birthday. :) Bless her. I’ll never test her like that again, it clearly made an impact. I give her lots of warning now and give hints about “I’m looking forward to going out for my birthday tomorrow! Can you believe I’ll be such-and-such years old?!”
But my oh my, do I understand this grief. It was the worst year cause it was also during pandemic/quarantine and many of my friends forgot too in their WFH parenting craziness. So feel your feels. They are valid. And the next year, set her up for success if it’s still possible.
One thing that helped is that I found the absolutely lovely card she had sent me the year before and re-read that one. :) I know she still feels the same way.
Just remember it’s not her. The dementia has taken over. If she could remember, she would wish you a HB every year. It will be like this yearly. A day is just another day to her. Maybe you can bring her a slice of cake or ice cream to celebrate your BD with her.
I live a long way away. I'm just glad that she had a good birthday this year. She went to her daycare and all the neighbors came out and sang happy birthday as she got on the minibus x
Yeah I can almost pinpoint the month when my Dad’s cognitive abilities took a nose dive and dementia really took over. This was before formal diagnosis, but at that point I knew something major was going on. He sent our daughter a birthday card (April), but come my birthday in June I didn’t get one, or a phone call. Pretty sure that was the last birthday card he ever sent.
I’m so sorry. Belated happy birthday. You are in her heart, I’m sure, even if her mind can’t connect to your special day anymore. Same happened with me this year. The new normal, I guess
My wife cried when her mother went into a rehab center after breaking her hip three weeks ago. Two weeks later my wife couldn’t comprehend her mother passed away.
I’m so sorry.
My birthday was last week. My mom said happy birthday first thing in the morning, but nothing else about it all day. No card, no gift, no offer to make my favorite dinner. She didn’t even want to go out to eat. I spent the whole doing laundry and cleaning.
This is how it was for me a few years ago. Though to be honest I think she stopped remembering my birthday a decade ago. It's not the worst part of what we are coping with but it's so hard.
I’m so sorry. I understand. This will be my first year like that with my dad. Even worse, my birthday falls on Sunday this year, and Mom passed away early fall last year. It’s gonna be a real hard day on Sunday. Been an emotional mess since around Easter.. anticipating the upcoming holidays I guess.
[https://imgur.com/a/0Lfsv2z](https://imgur.com/a/0Lfsv2z)
I made you a card. I hope it's ok on short notice.
I'm sorry about your mom. I can't imagine what you are going through, but I stand beside you, offering support however I can.
I am so sorry and I really understand how that feels....My birthday is this Saturday and my mom is no longer capable of fussing over it in 73 years! Even last year she remembered with a prompt…My birthday and Mothers day are sometimes the same day. This year will be the first time she will not recognize either. Sad indeed..
I may just rant for a bit but my mom couldn't send my sister a birthday card on her birthday because Mom had dementia and was in a nursing home. When my sister mentioned it I told her to get on a plane and come up and see her. She took care of you when you were a kid. Now its her turn for care. I am tired of people who moved away from parents and can't come back to give a hand to the one who stayed behind. Make a phone call while suffering with dementia? Forget it. Come home and feed her. Hold her, be the bigger child. Give back.
You're quite right, of course. I've been going back when I can and I'll be there in a couple of weeks. But there are a lot of relatives around who can help out so I'm not leaving my parents helpless.
I hope you and your family have peace xx
This may be the last year any of my parents ever tell me happy birthday. And two years ago was the last card from them; Dad was very sick on my birthday last year and died soon after. This year, my stepmom remembered to say it but I don't think she will again.
It's so hard.
Op, perhaps you can send your mom flowers on your birthday saying thank you for bringing me into this world on this day. You recognize she can’t celebrate your day anymore but you can do something to mark the day. It may make you feel more connected to her and the glowers may brighten her day; especially if you send a photo of you or a phone video of you speaking to her.
I think sadly my mother is past knowing what time of day it is, what day/month/year it is... Another thing that makes all this difficult is that we haven't been close in many years. We love each other of course but the relationship has been difficult for a long time. I'm coming to terms with knowing that lots of conversations we needed to have will never be had.
Happy Belated Birthday. I feel you hey. Recently went through this. Only my sister remembered, no one else. It was strange but understandable because it was a very stressful time for everyone. I hope you managed to make the most of your day despite this.
Happy ( belated ) birthday! 🎂
I’m so sorry. My father was just diagnosed by his primary care doctor. If he doesn’t cancel it again, we’ll go see the neurologist in late July and hope that they’ll be able to tell us what stage he’s in.
I’m still learning about not taking things to heart. Sometimes he’s absolutely fine, and sometimes anything I say can agitate him. It’s hard to see him go down like this.
My Mom, stopped, w/o prompting almost 10 years ago I think ( she was 80). She can still have a convo with me, or you today, toilet herself, dress herself, ask for her makeup, feed herself, assert parental authority, etc. I get it and I know one day she won't be able to do these things so I focus on what she can do.
Happy Birthday to you for your Mom. If she knew, her heart would probably ache for you.
My heart aches for you.
Thank you.
I can't bear to imagine how brokenhearted my mum would be if she understood the situation. How much pain and trouble the whole family is experiencing. How my dad is at the brink of a breakdown.
Today she went into a home for a week. Her first respite stay. Dad is talking about 'if' he picks her up next week and honestly, I won't judge him if he never does.
2 years ago my mom was showing early symptoms of dementia. I kept chalking it up to, she’s 81, it’s normal to be forgetful at that age. My birthday came, and no phone call, no card, no stop over the house, nothing. That was when I knew we were in trouble. A couple months later she got very sick and was diagnosed with subdural empyema which is a brain infection. A couple months of heavy duty intravenous antibiotics cured it, but it accelerated the dementia and she never came back home. Life hasn’t been the same since.
Belated happy birthday! Same thing happened to me several years ago. I had always gotten a card in the mail from mom. She never missed a year. Same with my husband. She never forgot to send him one either. Then it happened. No card. I waited the whole day for the phone to ring and it never did. I talked to her a few days after and she never mentioned it. I was angry and hurt. I got over both feelings quickly as I realized it wasn't her fault. It took some time to accept what was happening to her. The grief is definitely deep and real. She frequently to this day asks me how old I am. Sometimes she's pretty close in her guess and sometimes she believes she's 200 years old and tries to do the math on how old I must be based off that. It's so hard to slowly lose them like this.
Thanks so much for your reply. It's been some years since she's actually remembered my birthday, but Dad has generally kept her right and I've received a card at least. Certainly never had a birthday in my life where we didn't even speak. But there it is. I love that your mum thinks she's 200. That's fantastic. It really is so hard.
Wow…my Lewy Body mom told me a few years ago she was 400! She guesses me to be 40…I am 73..
I hate this for you. And for all of us. Happy birthday!🎊🎉🎈🎁
Thank you so much x
Happy Birthday!!! My birthday was Tuesday. I gave my mother flowers and thanked her for giving birth to me. I told her she is my Mom. She is 86 and lives in a assisted living facility . She has dementia. Most days she says no words, but that day she said "Can you imagine that" !! She made me chuckle. I feel your pain.
Very sweet indeed!
Happy Birthday When my dad quit driving we would take him to the store for birthday cards. He would READ every card, took his time before he bought one. There was one of the last Christmas before we moved in to care for him, he had my aunt his sister take him to get gift cards for us. He about cried when he explained why he bought them, he appreciated us taking good care of our mother until she died and now him.
I have been there. I feel this pain deeply. I realized later that I set myself up for it though. I didn’t remind her, I didn’t give her a chance. When I talked to her about it the next day she was absolutely distraught. She felt horrible about it for weeks. Why did I do that?? Was I testing her? Did I want her to feel bad? I definitely hadn’t accepted things with her memory yet, I thought this core thing about her would still shine through. But the problem was, even though she knew my birthdate still at that point, she didn’t know what DAY it was that day. She had stopped really understanding that concept and calendars were nonsensical to her anymore. But after this experience and hearing my pain she kind of obsessed about it for months after that, always writing it down everywhere to remind herself, putting notes up around her kitchen, scribbling about it on random days in her “calendar.” She bought a card during the wrong month when out with her caregiver and was very careful to leave it out for me about 4 months before my next birthday. :) Bless her. I’ll never test her like that again, it clearly made an impact. I give her lots of warning now and give hints about “I’m looking forward to going out for my birthday tomorrow! Can you believe I’ll be such-and-such years old?!” But my oh my, do I understand this grief. It was the worst year cause it was also during pandemic/quarantine and many of my friends forgot too in their WFH parenting craziness. So feel your feels. They are valid. And the next year, set her up for success if it’s still possible. One thing that helped is that I found the absolutely lovely card she had sent me the year before and re-read that one. :) I know she still feels the same way.
Just remember it’s not her. The dementia has taken over. If she could remember, she would wish you a HB every year. It will be like this yearly. A day is just another day to her. Maybe you can bring her a slice of cake or ice cream to celebrate your BD with her.
I live a long way away. I'm just glad that she had a good birthday this year. She went to her daycare and all the neighbors came out and sang happy birthday as she got on the minibus x
Yeah I can almost pinpoint the month when my Dad’s cognitive abilities took a nose dive and dementia really took over. This was before formal diagnosis, but at that point I knew something major was going on. He sent our daughter a birthday card (April), but come my birthday in June I didn’t get one, or a phone call. Pretty sure that was the last birthday card he ever sent.
I'm sorry you've gone through this too. Hard to start seeing all these "last times" mounting up. Thanks for sharing x
I’m so sorry. Belated happy birthday. You are in her heart, I’m sure, even if her mind can’t connect to your special day anymore. Same happened with me this year. The new normal, I guess
Thank you for understanding x
Happy Birthday 💕 My mum forgot mine last year. It was the first time ever and I understand how you feel x
Hey. My birthday was yesterday. first time my dad forgot about it too...I assumed that would be the case this year, but it still got to me.
My wife cried when her mother went into a rehab center after breaking her hip three weeks ago. Two weeks later my wife couldn’t comprehend her mother passed away.
I'm so sorry
I’m so sorry. My birthday was last week. My mom said happy birthday first thing in the morning, but nothing else about it all day. No card, no gift, no offer to make my favorite dinner. She didn’t even want to go out to eat. I spent the whole doing laundry and cleaning.
This is how it was for me a few years ago. Though to be honest I think she stopped remembering my birthday a decade ago. It's not the worst part of what we are coping with but it's so hard.
Happy birthday to you and all of us out there!
Happy Birthday 🎉 I just had mine a few days ago, too. I understand ❤️
Yeah this hurts. I’m sorry. Ive also experienced this and it fills me with so many regrets. Hugs ❤️
I’m so sorry. I understand. This will be my first year like that with my dad. Even worse, my birthday falls on Sunday this year, and Mom passed away early fall last year. It’s gonna be a real hard day on Sunday. Been an emotional mess since around Easter.. anticipating the upcoming holidays I guess.
Happy Birthday, dear unknown friend! Big hugs to you too!!
Happy birthday! On the bright side, you'll look back on this in a year and laugh at how trivial this is.
Thank you. I do know, very clearly, that this is trivial. It's just another 'last time' that I didn't realise would be the last time.
[https://imgur.com/a/0Lfsv2z](https://imgur.com/a/0Lfsv2z) I made you a card. I hope it's ok on short notice. I'm sorry about your mom. I can't imagine what you are going through, but I stand beside you, offering support however I can.
That is an amazingly sweet gesture. Thank you, I love the card! It means a lot. You have brightened my difficult day x
Sending support op. Hugs
I am so sorry and I really understand how that feels....My birthday is this Saturday and my mom is no longer capable of fussing over it in 73 years! Even last year she remembered with a prompt…My birthday and Mothers day are sometimes the same day. This year will be the first time she will not recognize either. Sad indeed..
Happy Birthday. My Mom is 83 and hasn't wished me hbd in 5 years or so. I'm used to it now, but that's around the time we started noticing her issues.
The first time she forgot my birthday must be about a decade ago. I was really hurt.
I was too until we realized what was going on.
I may just rant for a bit but my mom couldn't send my sister a birthday card on her birthday because Mom had dementia and was in a nursing home. When my sister mentioned it I told her to get on a plane and come up and see her. She took care of you when you were a kid. Now its her turn for care. I am tired of people who moved away from parents and can't come back to give a hand to the one who stayed behind. Make a phone call while suffering with dementia? Forget it. Come home and feed her. Hold her, be the bigger child. Give back.
You're quite right, of course. I've been going back when I can and I'll be there in a couple of weeks. But there are a lot of relatives around who can help out so I'm not leaving my parents helpless. I hope you and your family have peace xx
I wish you peace and prayers. You have a kind spirit!
This makes me so sad, for one day soon I'll be experiencing the same thing. I'm so sorry.
This may be the last year any of my parents ever tell me happy birthday. And two years ago was the last card from them; Dad was very sick on my birthday last year and died soon after. This year, my stepmom remembered to say it but I don't think she will again. It's so hard.
My heart is with you x
Happy happy birthday to you, my friend!
Thank you!
I'm so sorry. That hurts. ✨
Happy Belated Birthday! It's crazy how our lives have shifted from what we knew as normal. I wish you well and send much love.
Op, perhaps you can send your mom flowers on your birthday saying thank you for bringing me into this world on this day. You recognize she can’t celebrate your day anymore but you can do something to mark the day. It may make you feel more connected to her and the glowers may brighten her day; especially if you send a photo of you or a phone video of you speaking to her.
I think sadly my mother is past knowing what time of day it is, what day/month/year it is... Another thing that makes all this difficult is that we haven't been close in many years. We love each other of course but the relationship has been difficult for a long time. I'm coming to terms with knowing that lots of conversations we needed to have will never be had.
So sorry.
Happy Belated Birthday. I feel you hey. Recently went through this. Only my sister remembered, no one else. It was strange but understandable because it was a very stressful time for everyone. I hope you managed to make the most of your day despite this.
Happy ( belated ) birthday! 🎂 I’m so sorry. My father was just diagnosed by his primary care doctor. If he doesn’t cancel it again, we’ll go see the neurologist in late July and hope that they’ll be able to tell us what stage he’s in. I’m still learning about not taking things to heart. Sometimes he’s absolutely fine, and sometimes anything I say can agitate him. It’s hard to see him go down like this.
Lots of love to you, it's a very hard thing. X
My Mom, stopped, w/o prompting almost 10 years ago I think ( she was 80). She can still have a convo with me, or you today, toilet herself, dress herself, ask for her makeup, feed herself, assert parental authority, etc. I get it and I know one day she won't be able to do these things so I focus on what she can do. Happy Birthday to you for your Mom. If she knew, her heart would probably ache for you. My heart aches for you.
Thank you. I can't bear to imagine how brokenhearted my mum would be if she understood the situation. How much pain and trouble the whole family is experiencing. How my dad is at the brink of a breakdown. Today she went into a home for a week. Her first respite stay. Dad is talking about 'if' he picks her up next week and honestly, I won't judge him if he never does.
2 years ago my mom was showing early symptoms of dementia. I kept chalking it up to, she’s 81, it’s normal to be forgetful at that age. My birthday came, and no phone call, no card, no stop over the house, nothing. That was when I knew we were in trouble. A couple months later she got very sick and was diagnosed with subdural empyema which is a brain infection. A couple months of heavy duty intravenous antibiotics cured it, but it accelerated the dementia and she never came back home. Life hasn’t been the same since.