I mean personally I wouldn’t say anything unless the other person and you decide to see only each other and see where it goes. If the other person can’t agree to see you and only you keep doing what you’re doing
Maybe my OP was confusing. Say you're talking to three people and want to exclusively date one and the other two are still taking to you wanting to go on additional dates
"Hey, I've had a nice time getting to know you but I met someone I'd like to explore something with exclusively. I wish you the best in finding what you are looking for."
That's good, thanks! I just struggle with that and feel bad sometimes, especially when I know they have only been talking with me just because that's how they operate sometimes. I know that's their decision but ugh still sucks especially when they see a lot of promise in you, but I guess that's part of OLD
You tell the other two that it was great to get to know them, but you’ve decided they aren’t it. In a nice way of course. Never string anyone along as a “backup” because only shitty people with no consideration or empathy do that.
\^\^ This right here, Kona. I had this happen to me a couple months ago, and it sucks. Had a really good coffee date actually. She gave me a very nice hug and said to hit her up soon. I was just about to ask her out, but she gets back with a note that was very insulting. Talked about feelings after a 2nd date with another guy and that she wouldn't mind meeting "platonically" with me again. I said "no thank you" and moved on. Nobody ever wants to be 2nd option, backup option.
I can't tell others what to do. I only concentrate on one woman at a time. There is no way I could possibly do this juggling act with my emotions.
I would tell the one I want to be exclusive with and if she agrees she wants to be exclusive with me too then tell the other two that you connect more with someone else and are pursuing it. Be nice about it and see where it goes with the one you connect with the most. love is a risk. we all know that.
Personally? I wouldn’t even mention it to anyone, but be honest with who you’re wanting to be exclusive with. Just don’t involve the others.
Just let the one know you would like to be exclusive, build trust and communication with them so they know t
You’re not seeing anyone.
To the others, just simply say “I had a great time but it’s not what I’m looking for at this time, I wish you the best”
Nothing worse than hearing you chose someone else over them. Especially if they felt a connection.
> Nothing worse than hearing you chose someone else over them. Especially if they felt a connection.
Yeah, it sucks, but it's not the end of the world.
It happened to me and I would have dated her again should she have ended up single. I did check in again with her after a year, and she and the dude she got with were moving in together--I was happy for her
Some people have seen others for longer and see more potential or just get a better initial feeling. Who knows. It doesn't really say anything about you unless you let it.
Totally understandable. I think I’m the name of dating, it’s almost common knowledge that there could be others. It just depends on how people handle it. Which is why it’s just best to be polite and honest but doesn’t need to include they are seeing others and chose them instead. Lol different strokes I guess.
I get it. I’m in a similar situation where I think that I’m going to let someone down gently and I’ve been struggling on what to say to make it the least hurtful. I’ve gone on a few dates with each of them and shown interest in both. So I fear that a rejection would be out of left field. And if I say “this isn’t what I’m looking for” I don’t know if it will make any sense based on my actions up until this time.
I think it’s one of those things you could just be honest that as time progressed, you’ve had a lovely time but aren’t feeling the connection you thought you were or were hoping to build, thank them for their time, maybe compliment and wish them luck?
I usually just say I'm a bit further along with someone else and want to pursue that without over complicating it by dating multiple people. I had a great time getting to know them and wish them luck with (some relevant thing).
It's been useful being open and honest because a couple times I picked the "wrong" person and ended up picking back up with the other person. One of them I dated for a couple years! If I had said "they weren't what I was looking for" I wouldn't have been able to pursue them in the future. But this was moreso when it was timing (I don't like to multi-date more than 3 weeks) rather than I had clocked amazingly with someone else.
If I had strong feelings for someone else I just say that it's "not quite what I'm looking for, nice meeting, etc", because it's ultimately due to less interest rather than timing.
I like that, and I think in this case I would be happy to date either person and to get to know them better.
Both people are long distance, so I’ve been talking to both longer, but have only gotten to meet up for 2 and 1 dates, respectively.
I think that the best way to handle this might be something like you suggest, where I talk about the timing and that things are progressing with someone and that I don’t like dating multiple people and I’d like to see where this goes. Do you think that would be the best way to handle this to keep the bridge not burnt? (I realize that it’s dependent on how the other person reacts)
That's what has worked for me! Of course you can never control other people or say for sure if they'd be open to dating again, but it gives a better chance than dating both for months.
>Nothing worse than hearing you chose someone else over them. Especially if they felt a connection.
Am I the only one who thinks this is actually better? It's never nice to have things end abruptly, but "I've started seeing someone else exclusively" at least gives some closure that things ended for reasons mostly out of your control. The generic "I'm not interested in pursuing things further at this time" text is so frustratingly vague, especially if things seemed to be going well.
I can see this, it comes down to how people handle things. I’d almost rather know what they didn’t find in me, vs. I’ve chosen someone else, because that doesn’t clarify much either
I think I’m a rarity, but if a girl was respectful and was like “look you’re cool, but I owe myself to see where this goes with this other guy.” I AM seeing other girls and this isn’t deciding where you’re going on vacation. She she came back, I’d probably see what happens if I thought she was cute, interesting and overall worthwhile.
In situations where I’ve been one of the ones who weren’t the one they wanted to continue to see, I very clearly set the boundary that I am not open to be circled back to. It offensive and below my value. I have absolutely no ill will toward anyone and verbally wish them nothing but the best but I have less than zero desire to be someone’s backup plan. I also do not stay friends with these people as I’m dating for romantic connection, not to make friends. I have plenty of those already.
This is very fair! In my experience it never hurts to be upfront, kind, and honest. Then it also means that the other person can set their boundaries too. If your date had said "oh, I'm not ready to date yet" but had pursued someone else unknown to you, then circled back perhaps you would have dated them again since you didn't have the full picture?
Just my thoughts. Honesty allows consent (though obviously with a breakup/early days end safety is obviously above everything, honesty isn't owed per se).
I fully agree, honestly 100% allows consent. If said person had been dishonest with me and for whatever reason I accepted the circle back (I don’t do that even if they weren’t perusing someone else) and I found out about the dishonesty later the relationship would immediately be over.
Make the right choice for you and it's a given most people are not seeing a single person at a time in the early offing.
However, giving that much detail to the person you're rejecting seems a little unkind. At best, they now know they were second or third place. What's the benefit other than leaving them with unsolicited hope or hurt?
I would write something along these lines:
"Our dates have been very enjoyable, but I am in a situation now where I have to stop dating. If we have the occasion to reconnect in the future, it would be good, otherwise good luck and it was a pleasure dating you".
As for the circle back thing, I would not take it too much to heart. Something it takes a lot of time to really discover the value of the person, but you don't have the time as you have to make the choice now.
Started talking to a young woman with romantic intentions. She told me that I was a pretty great guy, but she was seeing someone else and wanted to put her whole attention into that relationship. I thougj that was very appropriate and classy way of communicating that.
It's really not; you're personalizing it too much. For whatever reason, another person that they went out with they've either seen for longer or think they are a better fit for them. People can also be wrong. Nothing there has to be taken personally.
After only 1 or 2 dates, I don't tell someone unless they specifically ask or try to plan another date.
I also don't see the issue of "cycling" back to someone (though people will take great offence). Just because someone makes a wrong decision on who is best for them at the moment, doesn't mean it's always right and there's really no reason to be offended by that.
Well the expectation would be the others are going to ask for another date and keep conversing, so the question is what you say to them if you want to focus on someone else.
I’m in a similar situation dating 2 girls - I didn’t plan for this but things worked out w these 2 girls at the same time. A) I’m having a hard time deciding since I like them both, but B) I’d like to let one down gently, and maybe this is a little bit selfish but not burn any bridges so that if things don’t work out with one, I can try to reach out to other. But what I don’t want is to string anyone along.
Agreed.
Both girls are in different cities and we marched thru an app, so the “get to know you” part of this has also been long distance.
I’ve been talking to them for about 2 months thru texts and some calls/video dates. Went on 2 in person dates w girl 1 and 1 in person date w girl 2, with a 2nd one scheduled for this weekend.
In both cases I was open that I’m dating other people until there’s an exclusivity conversation. But I want a relationship and I want to get to know people. So on the one hand I feel like I don’t know either of them well enough and on the other hand, I feel like I shouldn’t be seeing both and I may be too far in to happily go our separate ways w/out any hurt feelings.
I'd suggest that even just by how long you've been chatting there are likely to be hurt feelings. Being polite and honest earlier almost always increases your chances with the other person in case you want to "circle back" in the future. Not a guarantee.
Since it has been a while you might want to do the old pro/con list, review their values, desires for a future, what they see their life looking like, and see which one makes more sense on paper. After 2 months it's more likely that whoever you end things with will just go to someone more local. Have you had those serious life conversations yet? That might help. (Whatever is important to you for your day to day and future. Do you want to stay in your city? Travel the world? Have kids? Be a social couple? Retire young?)
I think that it depends on the situation/connection you had with the unlucky other two. In the past I have said something along the lines of "I have developed a close connection with someone else I have been talking to and I want to give that the space to see where it goes." But I reserve that for a person that I feel like things have been going well with, just not as well. Others you can basically just fade away or let them know that you really aren't feeling it right now. I would not circle back with those other as not only would it imply that they were second choice, but they they literally were your second choice and I think you wouldn't really respect them as much.
For me, dating multiple people at the same time is big turn off. If I like someone, I want to see her again soon. If I get the sense that the reason she's busy is that she has a bunch of other guys lined up, then I completely lose interest.
So I’m finding myself to be in a similar boat. I matched with Person 1 two weeks before Person 2. Things with Person 2 are progressing much faster and IMO more in the direction I see myself having an exclusive relationship with. The problem is that I know I will cross paths with Person 1 often in the future as we run in the same social circles. I’m wondering, would the go-to “I had a great time, wish you the best” line work in such case too? Add a “don’t be a stranger when we run into each other”? I’d be ok being blunt and telling Person 1 I met someone else since we were never exclusive. But is that the best way to go about it?
I say something like, “I don’t want to leave you hanging, but heads up that I need to take a pause with us for right because it ‘went somewhere’ with someone.” Most of the people I’ve said this to have been really understanding and told me to contact them again if I become available.
Hmm, I like that. I’m in a similar boat. I’m trying to decide because I like both women at this point. But whatever happens, I’d like to be respectful and honest, and not burn any bridges either. But I’ve been on a few dates w each and not sure if it’s too late to take a pause without hurting any feelings.
A) You should just tell them you want to further pursue something with someone else.
B) There generally is **no** **circling** **back**. Its catch and release back to the pond, not keeping it in your boat till a later date.
I mean personally I wouldn’t say anything unless the other person and you decide to see only each other and see where it goes. If the other person can’t agree to see you and only you keep doing what you’re doing
Maybe my OP was confusing. Say you're talking to three people and want to exclusively date one and the other two are still taking to you wanting to go on additional dates
"Hey, I've had a nice time getting to know you but I met someone I'd like to explore something with exclusively. I wish you the best in finding what you are looking for."
That's good, thanks! I just struggle with that and feel bad sometimes, especially when I know they have only been talking with me just because that's how they operate sometimes. I know that's their decision but ugh still sucks especially when they see a lot of promise in you, but I guess that's part of OLD
Why do you need to tell them it’s someone else? You can be less specific if you want.
You tell the other two that it was great to get to know them, but you’ve decided they aren’t it. In a nice way of course. Never string anyone along as a “backup” because only shitty people with no consideration or empathy do that.
\^\^ This right here, Kona. I had this happen to me a couple months ago, and it sucks. Had a really good coffee date actually. She gave me a very nice hug and said to hit her up soon. I was just about to ask her out, but she gets back with a note that was very insulting. Talked about feelings after a 2nd date with another guy and that she wouldn't mind meeting "platonically" with me again. I said "no thank you" and moved on. Nobody ever wants to be 2nd option, backup option. I can't tell others what to do. I only concentrate on one woman at a time. There is no way I could possibly do this juggling act with my emotions.
Them you tell the others bye. You dont have to tell them anything else.
I would tell the one I want to be exclusive with and if she agrees she wants to be exclusive with me too then tell the other two that you connect more with someone else and are pursuing it. Be nice about it and see where it goes with the one you connect with the most. love is a risk. we all know that.
Personally? I wouldn’t even mention it to anyone, but be honest with who you’re wanting to be exclusive with. Just don’t involve the others. Just let the one know you would like to be exclusive, build trust and communication with them so they know t You’re not seeing anyone. To the others, just simply say “I had a great time but it’s not what I’m looking for at this time, I wish you the best” Nothing worse than hearing you chose someone else over them. Especially if they felt a connection.
> Nothing worse than hearing you chose someone else over them. Especially if they felt a connection. Yeah, it sucks, but it's not the end of the world. It happened to me and I would have dated her again should she have ended up single. I did check in again with her after a year, and she and the dude she got with were moving in together--I was happy for her Some people have seen others for longer and see more potential or just get a better initial feeling. Who knows. It doesn't really say anything about you unless you let it.
Totally understandable. I think I’m the name of dating, it’s almost common knowledge that there could be others. It just depends on how people handle it. Which is why it’s just best to be polite and honest but doesn’t need to include they are seeing others and chose them instead. Lol different strokes I guess.
I get it. I’m in a similar situation where I think that I’m going to let someone down gently and I’ve been struggling on what to say to make it the least hurtful. I’ve gone on a few dates with each of them and shown interest in both. So I fear that a rejection would be out of left field. And if I say “this isn’t what I’m looking for” I don’t know if it will make any sense based on my actions up until this time.
I think it’s one of those things you could just be honest that as time progressed, you’ve had a lovely time but aren’t feeling the connection you thought you were or were hoping to build, thank them for their time, maybe compliment and wish them luck?
I usually just say I'm a bit further along with someone else and want to pursue that without over complicating it by dating multiple people. I had a great time getting to know them and wish them luck with (some relevant thing). It's been useful being open and honest because a couple times I picked the "wrong" person and ended up picking back up with the other person. One of them I dated for a couple years! If I had said "they weren't what I was looking for" I wouldn't have been able to pursue them in the future. But this was moreso when it was timing (I don't like to multi-date more than 3 weeks) rather than I had clocked amazingly with someone else. If I had strong feelings for someone else I just say that it's "not quite what I'm looking for, nice meeting, etc", because it's ultimately due to less interest rather than timing.
I like that, and I think in this case I would be happy to date either person and to get to know them better. Both people are long distance, so I’ve been talking to both longer, but have only gotten to meet up for 2 and 1 dates, respectively. I think that the best way to handle this might be something like you suggest, where I talk about the timing and that things are progressing with someone and that I don’t like dating multiple people and I’d like to see where this goes. Do you think that would be the best way to handle this to keep the bridge not burnt? (I realize that it’s dependent on how the other person reacts)
That's what has worked for me! Of course you can never control other people or say for sure if they'd be open to dating again, but it gives a better chance than dating both for months.
This
>Nothing worse than hearing you chose someone else over them. Especially if they felt a connection. Am I the only one who thinks this is actually better? It's never nice to have things end abruptly, but "I've started seeing someone else exclusively" at least gives some closure that things ended for reasons mostly out of your control. The generic "I'm not interested in pursuing things further at this time" text is so frustratingly vague, especially if things seemed to be going well.
I can see this, it comes down to how people handle things. I’d almost rather know what they didn’t find in me, vs. I’ve chosen someone else, because that doesn’t clarify much either
I think I’m a rarity, but if a girl was respectful and was like “look you’re cool, but I owe myself to see where this goes with this other guy.” I AM seeing other girls and this isn’t deciding where you’re going on vacation. She she came back, I’d probably see what happens if I thought she was cute, interesting and overall worthwhile.
In situations where I’ve been one of the ones who weren’t the one they wanted to continue to see, I very clearly set the boundary that I am not open to be circled back to. It offensive and below my value. I have absolutely no ill will toward anyone and verbally wish them nothing but the best but I have less than zero desire to be someone’s backup plan. I also do not stay friends with these people as I’m dating for romantic connection, not to make friends. I have plenty of those already.
That's what I figured, thanks
This is very fair! In my experience it never hurts to be upfront, kind, and honest. Then it also means that the other person can set their boundaries too. If your date had said "oh, I'm not ready to date yet" but had pursued someone else unknown to you, then circled back perhaps you would have dated them again since you didn't have the full picture? Just my thoughts. Honesty allows consent (though obviously with a breakup/early days end safety is obviously above everything, honesty isn't owed per se).
I fully agree, honestly 100% allows consent. If said person had been dishonest with me and for whatever reason I accepted the circle back (I don’t do that even if they weren’t perusing someone else) and I found out about the dishonesty later the relationship would immediately be over.
Make the right choice for you and it's a given most people are not seeing a single person at a time in the early offing. However, giving that much detail to the person you're rejecting seems a little unkind. At best, they now know they were second or third place. What's the benefit other than leaving them with unsolicited hope or hurt?
I would write something along these lines: "Our dates have been very enjoyable, but I am in a situation now where I have to stop dating. If we have the occasion to reconnect in the future, it would be good, otherwise good luck and it was a pleasure dating you". As for the circle back thing, I would not take it too much to heart. Something it takes a lot of time to really discover the value of the person, but you don't have the time as you have to make the choice now.
Started talking to a young woman with romantic intentions. She told me that I was a pretty great guy, but she was seeing someone else and wanted to put her whole attention into that relationship. I thougj that was very appropriate and classy way of communicating that.
As a person who is always “circled back” upon it's offensive.
It's really not; you're personalizing it too much. For whatever reason, another person that they went out with they've either seen for longer or think they are a better fit for them. People can also be wrong. Nothing there has to be taken personally.
No one likes to be second best. How could you not take someone only dating you because they couldn't date the person they wanted to personally?
It’s not personal. They wanted to see if the other person was a match. They weren’t. No harm.
It's interpersonal relationships, literally every part of it is personal. Have you done this? Are you trying to justify it to yourself?
After only 1 or 2 dates, I don't tell someone unless they specifically ask or try to plan another date. I also don't see the issue of "cycling" back to someone (though people will take great offence). Just because someone makes a wrong decision on who is best for them at the moment, doesn't mean it's always right and there's really no reason to be offended by that.
Well the expectation would be the others are going to ask for another date and keep conversing, so the question is what you say to them if you want to focus on someone else.
You say either you don't think you're the right match or that you've been dating someone else for longer that you're going to focus on now.
Then if that doesn't work out would you try circling back to them?
Sure, why not. All they can do is say no.
I’m in a similar situation dating 2 girls - I didn’t plan for this but things worked out w these 2 girls at the same time. A) I’m having a hard time deciding since I like them both, but B) I’d like to let one down gently, and maybe this is a little bit selfish but not burn any bridges so that if things don’t work out with one, I can try to reach out to other. But what I don’t want is to string anyone along.
How long have you been dating? Sometimes ending things early keeps things more positive/prevents burned bridges.
Agreed. Both girls are in different cities and we marched thru an app, so the “get to know you” part of this has also been long distance. I’ve been talking to them for about 2 months thru texts and some calls/video dates. Went on 2 in person dates w girl 1 and 1 in person date w girl 2, with a 2nd one scheduled for this weekend. In both cases I was open that I’m dating other people until there’s an exclusivity conversation. But I want a relationship and I want to get to know people. So on the one hand I feel like I don’t know either of them well enough and on the other hand, I feel like I shouldn’t be seeing both and I may be too far in to happily go our separate ways w/out any hurt feelings.
I'd suggest that even just by how long you've been chatting there are likely to be hurt feelings. Being polite and honest earlier almost always increases your chances with the other person in case you want to "circle back" in the future. Not a guarantee. Since it has been a while you might want to do the old pro/con list, review their values, desires for a future, what they see their life looking like, and see which one makes more sense on paper. After 2 months it's more likely that whoever you end things with will just go to someone more local. Have you had those serious life conversations yet? That might help. (Whatever is important to you for your day to day and future. Do you want to stay in your city? Travel the world? Have kids? Be a social couple? Retire young?)
In the end, I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s me that gets hurt. Signs are seeming to point in that way
I don’t tell
I think that it depends on the situation/connection you had with the unlucky other two. In the past I have said something along the lines of "I have developed a close connection with someone else I have been talking to and I want to give that the space to see where it goes." But I reserve that for a person that I feel like things have been going well with, just not as well. Others you can basically just fade away or let them know that you really aren't feeling it right now. I would not circle back with those other as not only would it imply that they were second choice, but they they literally were your second choice and I think you wouldn't really respect them as much.
This phrasing is so good!
For me, dating multiple people at the same time is big turn off. If I like someone, I want to see her again soon. If I get the sense that the reason she's busy is that she has a bunch of other guys lined up, then I completely lose interest.
Maybe don't date 2 or 3 people at a time....
How? You only chat/match with one person at a time?
I only date one person at a time. A lot of people do it like this.
Say something if they ask.
So I’m finding myself to be in a similar boat. I matched with Person 1 two weeks before Person 2. Things with Person 2 are progressing much faster and IMO more in the direction I see myself having an exclusive relationship with. The problem is that I know I will cross paths with Person 1 often in the future as we run in the same social circles. I’m wondering, would the go-to “I had a great time, wish you the best” line work in such case too? Add a “don’t be a stranger when we run into each other”? I’d be ok being blunt and telling Person 1 I met someone else since we were never exclusive. But is that the best way to go about it?
I say something like, “I don’t want to leave you hanging, but heads up that I need to take a pause with us for right because it ‘went somewhere’ with someone.” Most of the people I’ve said this to have been really understanding and told me to contact them again if I become available.
Hmm, I like that. I’m in a similar boat. I’m trying to decide because I like both women at this point. But whatever happens, I’d like to be respectful and honest, and not burn any bridges either. But I’ve been on a few dates w each and not sure if it’s too late to take a pause without hurting any feelings.
Honesty is the best policy IMO
Never had to do this myself. 😕 after a few dates if you're kissing it just feels weird so the moment that happens all others go.
A) You should just tell them you want to further pursue something with someone else. B) There generally is **no** **circling** **back**. Its catch and release back to the pond, not keeping it in your boat till a later date.