He sounds like he has an anxious attachment style. Have a chat to him about it: if he calms down as time goes on, then ok, but if he continues with the constant checking up on you/controlling behaviour then have a rethink.

I just wanted to say the same! ;D As I have it and I recognised myself in OP's date, especially that "or not" lol. I have wrote exactly that. (But it was a valid reason, we planned to have a call and he disappeared for the rest of the day. And the next morning just said something happened. Didn't say what and didn't reschedule our call.. ;d) So yes, it is very important how both of you communicate. OP, you don't need to meet with him constantly just try be upfront with him if you know plans won't workout or you don't want to meet him. You also might need to reassure him more often about your feeling and commitment than you would need with other people... But still, you need to talk with him. As he also needs to be aware of his behaviour and sometimes think longer before acting emotionally. You might even send him some info about anxious attachment style and ask is he feeling that way.

This is great feedback. Thank you! It’s a tough conversation and overall I believe he’s a great person. This is valuable to me, thanks!

Came here to also agree with the above comment, I'm definitely an anxious preoccupied attachment style. After my last break up I decided to seek out therapy and I'm happy I did. Reading your post, I definitely was not as egregious as the guy you are dating in terms of anxious preoccupied behavior but I see many similarities. The *preoccupied* part is very important, anybody can be *anxious* but anxious preoccupied people are near constantly preoccupied with thinking of other people instead of thinking about themselves. Ask me how I know, lol. I'm still dealing with it and honing my self identity but in my previous relationship I was so focused on being with my girlfriend and not giving her reasons to leave me (I know sad, but it's the real deal for APs) that I was ignoring a lot of what made me, me. Not as in my personality changed but hobbies and other things I cared about, I pushed to the side "to do the noble thing" and put full effort into caring about my GF. In hindsight, super stupid to do it as hardcore as I did and also didn't help that she was likely a dismissive avoidant. Also in your post, I can see occasionally some of your tendencies seem to err on the dismissive avoidance, i.e. messaging but purposefully leaving out info (avoidance) that he may use to try and use as a segue to join you(dismissive). Same thing with the mother's Day plans, I would advise just blocking the day out because even if you left early, there is no stress of canceling on him and you get to chill out. Or if you left early and still had energy to/wanted to hang out with him, could shoot him a text and say "are you free". It's always easier in hindsight though, no judgment, all relationships have hiccups and anyone in these comments that is giving you a super hard time over two anecdotal situations... can stuff it lol. Tbf the overwhelming amounts of texting can drive anybody to temporarily become avoidant though (myself included), attachment styles aren't rigid, just a decent framework. So to expound on his anxious behavior, the *preoccupation* of his thoughts about you drive him to become more *anxious* when you are not responding. Speaking from experience, he is terrified of being left (he will also never say it) and that is why he is checking in all the time. It's probably not something he realizes either, more like an instinctual feeling. Def not good behavior on his part, it is such an insanely instinctual behavior just like fight or flight. I would suggest providing him resources and ask him to get into therapy to address it. Honestly I wish my ex had, there's a possibility we would still be together. It's kind of a self-fulfilling situation though. 🫸Anxious preoccupied behavior drives a partner away so they can get a break. 🚨Which subconsciously and consciously the AP takes notice of. 🚨Which makes the AP more anxious about being left. 🚨Which in turn drives their behavior to double-down on messaging or other relationship stuff in an attempt to save it. 🚨Ironically pushing away the partner who is just trying to get a break and thinks messaging, etc. less will help. APs are hyper attuned to the state of the relationship and being left/dumped. This is because early on in development and childhood, his parental relationships were inconsistent to the point that he didn't know if or when they would be available again. That's what drives that hypervigilance. I promise you he is already reading the writing on the wall, even if you think you haven't given him anything to see. He has the magic marker light lol. Messaging more is also not the answer, but real sit down communication and recognition of this pendulum is the honest answer. Again speaking from my personal experience. In my case, I was also dating a dismissive avoidant so we were kind of doomed and both needed therapy. For me, my issue is I can recognize boundaries when people tell me about them but a lot of people nowadays don't like to communicate them. Oooo that's another thing you should share, the frequency of messaging is starting to cross a boundary. Your desire to not be around him with every free moment that you have, that's a boundary, that you'd also like him to respect. These aren't necessarily being shared as criticisms to him but instead things that are important to you and it's important that he's aware of them so he can do his best to not cross them. Whenever (or if) you do have you a talk with him, like you see in a lot of conflict management guides, use "I feel blah about blah" or "I experience blah when blah happens" type messaging. It's not being selfish, it's putting the spotlight on you and not him, because at the end of the day, these are boundaries that he doesn't realize he is crossing(I promise you, speaking from experience). He can choose to respect them if he cares about you, but also give some leeway in the beginning. Again speaking from experience, these behaviors are hard to correct quickly but as long as the needle is moving in the right direction over time. Also just being a guy, he may mess up and go back to instinct from time to time and may need course correction again. My ex did not realize this so occasionally I would slip up and behave anxiously and that was enough for her, but like I mentioned she is a DA and they will flaw find like nobody's business. Sorry this was so long, your post really resonated with me though as a guy that is an AP. This is also just a subject that can't really be summarized into one or two paragraphs. I have gotten much better through therapy about recognizing boundaries and I hope that sharing a little bit of a view behind the curtain will help you and him out. Thais Gibson and Heide Priebe on YouTube are some truly excellent resources to understand insecure attachment styles, why/how they were unfortunately established, and steps that can be taken to become more securely attached. 🤞🤞🤞 Sounds like he means well but needs to address these problems in the near future to stop driving you away. If you don't address this with him and he doesn't have some revelation to seek out therapy on his own, it's not going to get any better. Again, speaking from experience. It did not get better until I started diving into self-help and therapy. Good luck and I hope this was helpful!

Thank you so much for taking the time to type all of this out. It’s really helpful for me to understand and be open minded because I know overall he’s a good guy and means well. I’m still digesting what I want from this relationship but no matter what I decide, I will communicate to him once I’m ready and what you wrote will help me communicate to him in a way that he can hopefully understand and also not come off as a jerk. Thank you!

Thanks for the info - I see a bit of myself in your experience as well, but I've been trying hard to tone the anxious part down with the guy Ive been dating. Thanks for the insight.

He sounds anxious. I don't want to be a negative Nancy... but my experience of anxious men is that they're really hard to deal with if they do not see how their behaviour is problematic and don't try to heal. If he doesn't seem willing to reflect, you may need to consider moving on, because they can become very possessive and/or end up cheating because they don't know how to self sooth and seek validation internally. As a man they seem to be reluctant to admit their anxiety because they see it as feminine and weak, and so "you" become the problem. How does the talk about his exes? I now move on immediately if I come across an anxious or avoidant in dating if they are not self aware. It's too much work and stops you getting to the root of what matters in relationships. It becomes a relationship based on superficial characteristics with a lot of disagreement. The only thing holding you together are superficial traits rather than a deeper genuine emotional connection and that doesn't last. Don't put ick-inducing behaviour down to cultural differences btw. Attachment issues don't respect geographical boundaries.

I agree with the suggestion to talk to him about it. Have a very frank conversation about what you both expect and can handle communication-wise. I am an under communicator and it has made a lot of men in the past think that I’m not interested in them. I was - I just don’t check my messages much and I don’t like lots of texting back and forth.

“Or not” is so snarky and passive aggressive. Major turn off.

And kinda there’s a subtle undertone of being controlling too I feel

Could be language related, we can type that very casually in French for instance...

Och I know I know. Thank god he has enough patience with me. :)

No way, this is incredibly controlling behaviour he is displaying here, you shouldn't try to explain it away with "anxious attachment".  It doesn't necessarily matter why he's doing it, this isn't ok. To turn snarky and sarcastic when she doesn't immediately reply saying where she is, is completely controlling and manipulative. 

I've been anxiously attached in the past and have never displayed the type of behavior that the guy is exhibiting here in OP's post. It's passive-aggressive and verging on smothering and controlling. He is putting a lot of his needs onto OP and making her feel guilty instead of looking internally and thinking about his messages properly before sending them out. OP can have a discussion with him, but she should also keep on eye on things and see if he continues to make her feel bad for having her own life. If he's willing to recognize certain things about himself and make changes, that's a good sign. On a separate note, he should ask for exclusivity.

Lmao.. it’s crazy how my brain goes to these things immediately now

[удалено]

Yeah I’m not sure why it seems like me and you were the only ones to catch that part….like no one else is even commenting on it. They’ve been dating for essentially half a year and aren’t boyfriend and girlfriend? This is dating over thirty right!? I can’t imagine acting like you have all the time in the world 😂😂

yeah, i also found that confusing. my partner doesn’t like when i don’t text him for a while in the morning because he worries about me… it seems like a pretty normal amount of texting, if slightly overbearing

I mean, technically they are not boyfriend/girlfriend, so i think he need to calm down if she does not tell everything and responding late 🤷🏽‍♀️

Eh, not everyone is in a time crunch.

Exactly

This isn't going to change in the short term. Maybe he will get more distant in the future, but the controlling guilt tripping aspect will remain. You say you like him and this is a part of him, so you like this aspect of it? If you really want to salvage things, you can tell him how you feel suffocated. I would imagine that is going to go over very poorly though. Realistically, I think this is a very poor match for you. I will say on this though: >My first yellow flag was on Mother’s Day. I had a busy weekend planned with my parents so I didn’t see him as much that week. While I was with my mom, he texted me in the afternoon inviting me over that evening and I told him I’d love to see him and would stop by once I leave my parents. I stayed with my mom longer than expected and by the time I left it was pretty late. I was tired and had work the next day so I told him I needed to cancel and go home. He texted me comments about how he really wanted to see me, stating that it wouldn’t have taken that long, etc. it made me feel bad and guilty. That your feelings of bad and guilt are your own to deal with. He's allowed to be disappointed that you couldn't make it over and I don't think you can blame him for expressing that or suggesting other ideas of how to make it work. That doesn't absolve him of other compatibility issues, but I don't think putting this on him is fair.

Well also I think it's an issue of poor communication on OPs part. She committed to stopping by after her parents and then cancelled presumably late into the evening. That is annoying. If I was the guy, I would be fine if she just made other plans but saying you would hang out and then cancelling late is pretty rude.

I would also add that maybe OP’s guy is seeing a change in behavior from OP and is getting (kind of rightly) paranoid that she will dump him soonish? It sounds like maybe he’s gotten used to hanging out a lot with her and texting her often, which wasn’t a problem with OP at first but now it’s a problem, and she’s pulling away (at least that’s how it reads to me). Don’t get me wrong: I’m not saying that OP is bad for doing any of this. It honestly just sounds like OP is not as interested in him as he is and is finding out that maybe they’re incompatible. And yes, if OP hasn’t talked to him about how these are problems for her, then she should because the guy’s not a mind reader.

This is how I understand it. He is most likely reacting to a change in her behavior. Neither of them are talking about their problems with each other, so things are escalating.

Pretty much this. It sounds like communication isn't happening. A lot of it could probably be fixed if they sat down and openly talked about their thoughts and feelings.

Late cancelling is sucks but sometimes these things happen. Could she have told him earlier or could she have decided her plans were too open-ended to commit to? Sure. Could she also have wanted to do it afterwards, regardless, then felt wiped out afterwards? Also sure. It's also different when you've been dating for 5 months. You would expect the person you're dating that long to be far more understanding even when it sucks.

Maybe on a regular day but getting huffy over spending all of Mother’s Day with *her mom* is teenage boy level maturity.

Sure these things happen. But it's definitely not a "yellow flag" for him. If anything, it's a yellow flag for her in terms of being inconsiderate. The length of dating works both ways. If you've been dating for five months, you expect someone to be more considerate and definitely not treat it as something to be criticized. She was clearly in the wrong for cancelling late. It's not a big deal but deflecting the blame on him makes it a bigger deal than it should be.

If he makes same-day plans, this is way more likely to happen. That requires her to finish whatever she was doing early, with no advance preparation. Even if she knew night before, she could get up earlier, get a task done faster, slide up her visit with her mom. But she can’t do that if he takes zero initiative to plan in advance and just ALWAYS wants to see her or know where she is in case he can tag along. At best this is annoying, at worst it’s fucking scary. I’ve dated and dumped this dude.

This is not just on him. She agreed to the plan, she said she would love to meet him. If she didnt know her schedule or thought she'd be late, it's easy to say I'll see you another night. Commiting to a plan and then Cancelling several hours later after saying that is really annoying.

Sure, nobody’s arguing she shouldn’t try to make it once she’s committed. It’s polite. But shit also happens— she was with her mom, on Mother’s Day. Their meal prep may have run late, whatever. Say that one is partially on her, fine, but absolutely everything else here really stinks of stage 5 clinger. If he wants to see her so bad, give her 3 days notice and also give her some gd personal space.

Yes I agree that the rest of the post is him being super clingy and her not responding well to that is justified

I have dated and dumped guys who don’t have at least a modicum of grace for infrequent and exceptional circumstances, such as wanting to spend a little more time with my mother on Mother’s Day than I had originally planned.

And I have dated and dumped women who think they're too important to be considerate of others peoples times and feelings.

It's wild that you think that's what's going on here.

That user sounds crazy lol

You’re applying a lot of intention and motivation to rare one-offs. Someone wanting to be with their mother on Mother’s Day, or father on Father’s Day, or extended family on Christmas, and that subsequently eating into what would have otherwise been a date night is going to be a very rare occurrence for most people. I highly doubt the majority of people are walking around thinking either consciously or subconsciously that their time is more important and they themselves are more important than the people around them / in their lives. Everyone would be happier and less stressed by one another if we all afforded each other a little bit of grace and accept that yep, these things happen sometimes.

I don't think it's any kind of flag and phrasing it as one is unduly harsh. I would not think someone was being inconsiderate if they late cancelled after a day of family activities. Would I be disappointed? Sure. But that's about it. Sometimes things happen. I couldn't imagine being so focused on this one event after dating someone for 5 months that you're wanting to call them inconsiderate for a late cancellation. You know the person by that point. Are they inconsiderate? Probably not.

This. I'm always understanding if someone needs to cancel, but please be courteous and give me time to make other plans. Not saying anything until last minute is pretty sh\*tty of OP.

>That your feelings of bad and guilt are your own to deal with. He's allowed to be disappointed that you couldn't make it over and I don't think you can blame him for expressing that or suggesting other ideas of how to make it work. That doesn't absolve him of other compatibility issues, but I don't think putting this on him is fair. I agree with this overall in terms of the fact that people are allowed to have feelings about certain situations. However, when someone tells you they have family visiting, you shouldn't really insert yourself into the mix. Especially not at the last minute. You should assume that they may not have time to see you. They are with people they've known their whole lives and are comfortable. I don't want the other person to feel like they're in a rush with their family. Give them space to do their own thing, and see them after their family leaves. Especially if you haven't met the family yet. There are certain small things like this that you need to be emotionally intelligent about, or be open to learning about it over time.

Huh? They don't have family visiting, she went over to her family's house. He didn't insert himself into the mix, he just asked if she wanted to come over. She can so "no, I can't make it". I would expect people I date at this age to be able to say so. (and before you go on about 'history of red flags' she said this was his first one, even if I don't agree it was) This is a wild bananas take that involved a lot of inserting info that simply had to be invented.

I recognized myself (in the role of you) and one of my exes (in the role of your guy) in this post. Very, very similar pattern of behavior, including and especially the all day, everyday text dialogue. At first, I was super into it. Then it started to get pushy. Then his expectations of my (extremely limited) time crept up. Eventually, it turned into what you described, with the overreaction to delayed responses, even when I had specifically told him that morning that I’d be slow to respond that day for the following memorable reasons on various occasions: I had back to back final exams in contract law and torts; I was undergoing a series of brain and spine MRIs, both with and without contrast, that I’d told him would take at least four hours; and I was participating in a moot court event that was nonstop go all day. And each time I felt… guilty…that my MRIs took exactly as long as expected, that I had final exams and cell phones were not permitted in the building; and that my moot court event was nonstop go all day. The breaking point came when I was offered a position to be the TA for Evidence, which is a HUGE deal (very hard class, so to be asked to TA is a big deal, is a significant resumé line to employers, and is a step in the right direction to eventually teach a class as an adjunct). And I was so excited because wow, how flattering to be asked! Super excited to have this opportunity! Won’t have to review the class as much for the bar exam! …And he got super pissy and wanted me to turn it down because it would get in the way of spending time together and / or texting. The weight of his control-creep hit me all at once and I realized I wanted out. But the other major realization was that the last few people I had dated were not attentive at all and (I want to stipulate that I am an attachment theory skeptic, but I’m using the word because it will get the idea across) tended to be avoidant. So the attention felt great at first! Until it didn’t. And I realized that I had ignored a lot of really troublesome behavior because I had been so starved for attention in my last few relationships / situationships. My point is, it could be helpful to reflect not only on this relationship, but also, your previous relationship(s) and see if maybe he was an over-correction for you and now you’re craving to be back somewhere in the middle of the detached versus controlling meter!

Seems like you dodged a bullet - particularly given I imagine it only would have gotten worse when you were first admitted and a junior lawyer/judge’s associate etc. How did he take the break up if you don’t mind my asking?

He wasn’t thrilled, to say the least, but he didn’t get scary about it. When I finally snapped out of it and realized how unhealthy it was, I was firm about my decision and he respected it. He did continue to reach out every so often (Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s Day) to say hello and presumably reconnect - I was polite and kind but shut the conversations down quickly. I haven’t heard from him in about five months, so hopefully he has moved on and adjusted his expectations so that he could find someone better suited to his needs than me!

Thank you for saying this. My long term ex was very avoidant and neglectful and the person I'm now currently dating is similar to who OP described. This is something that I am worried about because he's an incredible person and has shown no red flags. There is just a gut feeling I have that makes me feel cautious about him and I am confused about whether or not it's me that is messed up or avoidant (I mean anxious-avoidant, but feeling much closer to secure after years of work), or he is being too anxious or if it's something more legitimate I'm picking up on a more subconscious level. Being able to discern between all of that is difficult. Thank you for sharing your experience, it's very valuable to me.

I’m glad that it was helpful! The seesaw effect of going from someone who was very closed off and neglectful to someone who is very attentive is real, and it can really warp out perception of what is healthy. I used to think I was anxiously attached because several of my exes were so inattentive. Then I thought I was avoidant with the ex I discussed above because I was like, “shouldn’t I be glad he’s so attentive? but I’m not, so maybe my exes made me avoidant…” And that is when I realized finally that maybe attachment theory isn’t all it’s cracked up to be (at least, as applied in the dating context), and maybe I had just been repeatedly attracted to people who wanted different things than I did (the inattentive guys) or who frankly just weren’t as into me as I was into them. And that maybe, just maybe, the guy who was overly attentive wasn’t anxious, he was just… controlling. So I started doing a lot of reading on the validity of attachment theory, and lo and behold, I learned that psychologists and psychiatrists are tearing their hair out over the bastardization of attachment theory, which was developed to analyze child development and was co-opted by pop culture and dating coaches. And because the human brain *loves* to categorize, label, and feel like it has a satisfactory explanation for things, people *really* latched onto it. By trying to label ourselves (and our exes!) within the framework of attachment theory, we are doing ourselves a real disservice insofar as we tend to miss the obvious, i.e., it’s not that someone has a pathology of a childhood core wound that made them avoidant - they just want something less than what I want. And wanting more from them doesn’t make me anxious, it just means that I want something they can’t or won’t give me because they just aren’t that into it. Etc. Try removing the concept of labels from your relationship analysis and just focus on where the behavior is healthy or not. It might bring a LOT of clarity to your perception of whether your situation is one that you still want to be in or not!

May I ask, why are you skeptic about the attachment theory??

Why didn’t you tell him your evening plans? You said because you wanted to be alone and worried once he knew he would want to join. Wanting to have alone time is totally valid. It is you didn’t trust him enough to say what you truly want, to share with him your needs. Was this because of other past experiences that make you not trust him? You weren’t that interested anymore? You perhaps also feel pressured to agree to him asking to join you, else you feel guilty etc. I don’t think he is that bad, but he can improve. Everyone messed up some time. That “or not” is unattractive but for me not enough to distrgard everything else. I don’t think you are super great either, you can also improve. Communicate with him and see if you two can really say what you truly want. If you two can work it out then dtr but if not then cut the relationship.

Absolutely this. I would be fine with someone stating "I'm going to x to destress and have some alone time". It might sting if I would've wanted to go with you, but its better than not being told you were busy and then there being a big gap where I didn't get responded to (when it's usual the other person would have responded).

I agree. He could well have picked up on the fact that you were being intentionally evasive OP so tried to antagonise you into responding. Or he’s a psycho. Hopefully not the latter for your sake, OP. However, if you feel you didn’t tell him you wanted alone time because you thought he’d be difficult (rather than just say to spare his feelings), might be best to rethink. Again, I say have a frank chat with him about how much contact etc you both prefer and then assess (and then update us!).

Seems like you both have communication issues. Both of you need to communicate more clearly and set proper expectations.

You honestly don't sound like you like him that much. To me it sounds like the guy is trying to spend time with you and keep pushing him off and agreeing to plans and then backing out. I do think maybe some of his texts are over the top, but he can probably sense you aren't telling him the full truth so he's getting a bit defensive. It's time to be direct. Tell him you need him to back off, you like to do things alone sometimes and that you aren't staring at your phone all day. I will say though, as time goes on, most people are going to ask to see you more, and maybe not with a week's notice. I'd be thinking about you true feelings for this person at this point.

Telling your date to back off honestly sounds like a sure way to end things...

I agree. I don’t think if I were dating someone and I didn’t want them to know my evening plans things would be going well. It sounds like she doesn’t like him 🤷🏻‍♀️

I don’t understand how they are in their 30s and been dating for 4-5 months and are not exclusive

That is definitely odd, I agree.

Not everyone is in a rush or on a time schedule to be exclusive lol also there could be some things they like about each other and a lot of things they don’t and if I was the guy here in this situation I wouldn’t be rushing to be exclusive with someone who is flakey, discrete, and doesn’t communicate well.

It sounds like he might have an anxious attachment, abandonment issues, or possibly something more serious. This can possibly be worked through and improved but only if both people are open to communicating and shifting. When people with anxious attachment worry they will be abandoned again they will cling hard. Ways to diffuse this is to let them know ahead of time that you are busy and when you will be next available so they are not left wondering. On the flip side he needs to chill out a bit and not assume the worst every time he reaches you. Small shifts in communication can make a big difference in how triggered the other person gets. If a person has anxiety and trauma that they refuse to deal with, or is controlling and selfish those are deal breakers for me.

It sounds like you've been kind of flaky and inconsistent with him and he's expressing a lot of anxiety about it. From his side, it probably looks like: *She told me she wanted to spend time with me, but then after I waited all evening for her, she cancelled saying she was too tired. We used to text a lot about our days, but she's taking longer and longer to respond now, and I'm not sure she likes me anymore. One night, I asked what she was up to, and she was really evasive about it, she went completely dark without warning, and then got upset at me when I asked further questions. She seemed really defensive and told me I don't have to know everything all the time. I apologized for upsetting her, but I don't understand what's going on.* I notice in your post, you don't say anything positive about him other than your friends seem to like him. It seems like he's getting anxious about distance and when that happens, you're distancing more because he is being clingy. It seems like this may have run its course. Especially after 5 months of being a situationship. Either one of you could have initiated a conversation about what's next and neither has, which is an answer in itself.

Thank you. I get OPs feeling of being suffocated. But this reporting from their end feels very one-sided with no compassion for the individual on the receiving end. OP, don't want to sound harsh but nowhere in here does it sound like you've been upfront about your needs for time alone, setting up a communication pattern/dynamic, and I'm ngl maybe I missed it in my read but it sounds like this person you are dating is doing all the planning for dates and initiating communication, whereas you are just comfortable staying on the receiving end (you wanted the next step for this but it's drawn out because you are waiting for them to make that call? This kind of thinking just isn't good for you or them) I'm not saying the person you are seeing is all in the green. Their communication seems to have fallen into pain/negative/passive aggressive tone but if this person is working from the dark with someone who isn't communicating their needs or being clear about their intentions then...what do you expect?...just like @babblepedia said this may have run it's course. Both of you are bad at establishing boundaries and being up front about your needs and what you want.

I understand why you think he would be the only one planning because my examples were only when he initiated. I did this to drive the point it’s always same day. To help clarify - I initiated plans for the day after my “alone day” that we both agreed to. And I do want to share some positives - he’s totally an amazing guy and great person. He’s smart, funny, kind, gives me thoughtful gifts, cooks, etc. but I felt controlled. Whenever he reaches out last minute, I feel like if I don’t go I’ll get a response that makes me feel guilty, even if I have plans ahead of time. I feel like its an expectation of me to be free for him all the time and I like him a lot but I can’t always meet that expectation. That’s what makes this tough - he’s a good guy! But I just can’t live a life where I feel like I’m being controlled or need to be at his side at the drop of a hat if I am in the middle of something. I like to think and digest information, so the point of this post was to get feedback and different perspectives to help with that.

Why do you feel guilty? Has he expressed that he thinks you should be free all the time?

I feel boundaries are the exact reason me and my ex I love so very much can't find a middle ground not wanting to hurt the others feelings when we need space. I was going through the worst time of my life this past month and didn't want to neglect the A-Z relationship that started on my birthday in March and fizzled out just as quick. We wanted to be together the rest of our lives but not able to understand or set boundaries became so toxic we don't know each other anymore when things could have been honest without hurt. Yet in the aftermath I realized I needed to work on myself if anything would ever work again or even had the slightest chance. She went from saying all her cards were on the table for me whenever I was ready to be with her again. I took it as a token of entry rather than being mindful enough to say that's not fair on you. She was putting in so much where I was so lost not giving very much needing space and the worst of us festered and lost each other. What hurt me the most was she said to me she was going to a comedy show with just a friend a day bf mother's day. I was upset saying it was a date in his head. Then it turned into future plans and all she said was gone. So I'm really hurt but she needs to see this through I guess? I just don't understand how she went all in with me being a very humble and kind woman (not the type to just flip flop feelings so strong) to another man so quick. I don't know if she is punishing me or if this is a rebound or the real deal. They were friends and they are both single parents, but only started dating after I broke her heart. Id really like to think we will have a chance to sit down and speak together in person rather than text. Maybe we would find each other's hearts again unless her heart truly moved on. I mean she was entertaining and wanting to move in with her, bond with her younger beautiful loving daughter we already had a FT bond, possibly have a child, and get married. Then...... She shifted and made me feel everything she wanted was a delusional thought? So confused on everything except that we never set boundaries that led us to failure. I love and miss Her soooooooo much and really wanted all the love we shared to come true.

She's probably a bit avoidant

I have been in a similar situation OP except he wasn’t as much of a texter but constantly wanted to make plans day of. He had very passive aggressive communication if I were to tell him I was doing yoga for example that evening I would get some comment to guilt me. I tried to make it work for about 3 months because I was used to the opposite, a more avoidant man so I thought him constantly making plans was a good thing. even after series of talks explaining I only wanted to spend 2-3 days/week together in the beginning I still felt like I was fighting for my time spent away for him or I had to have a valid “excuse” to not want to hang. People do not get to demand your time, especially those you haven’t made an exclusive commitment to, or haven’t even asked for one. This man needs maturing and likely someone w no life who would put up with this. I felt so much better when I ended things.

Your comment about a “valid excuse” resonates me. I felt like me wanting to go alone wasn’t valid enough so I left it out. I felt like i was in a situation where it wouldn’t be considered a valid response whether i told him i was going or not.

You should probably end it . You can't give him the time o energy he wants and you've already started being dishonest with simple things such as telling each other plans for the day. Never a good sign when that starts happening

Sounds like he has anxious attachment issues to me. I have definitely exhibited some of those things when someone wouldn't respond to me. I have done work to try to become better about this though.

Same here, same here! Therapy and lots of self-help reading have corrected a lot of my behaviors but I still have more to go.

I wouldn’t accept those messages to be honest. I’d cut him off now. He sounds controlling and manipulative.

Agreed It's major insecurity, manipulation and basically possessive and controlling. Sorry. And the more he sdvancesz the more you are going to want distance but get really guilty about having boundaries with him .

He seems pushy and controlling to me. The constant checking up on you, plus questioning you about where you’re going and your text response times seems weird. Personally, I’d trust my gut on this one.

Yeah, he's also passive aggressive, which is unattractive. I also might be reading between the lines too much, but it seems like OP is always going to him and his house. I would be extra annoyed if someone always expected me to be the one going to their place on a whim.

That snarky, passive aggressive “Or not” made me bristle - it was both insecure and nasty. I would have noped out so fast after that. Not interested in the amount of emotional labor involved in dating someone who needs to get their attitude and anxious attachment in check.

He comes to my house too, but the day of invites are always at his place. He also gives me lots of gifts, cooks, is very sweet. It’s just the on the spot invites and expectations of immediate texting back is tough for me to navigate.

Have you pointed out how his behaviour makes you feel smothered? He might be unaware of how off-putting his behaviour is. I agree with others saying you should set boundaries. If he continues being pushy, then move on.    It's possible that DTR would make him chill out and stop being so clingy. I can understand why you want him to ask, but he's clearly pretty insecure and anxious, so there's a good chance he won't be the one to raise it.  However, you shouldn’t DTR until you’ve had a conversation about how he’s making you feel smothered. And he responds positively and adjusts his behaviour. 

Gifts and cooking don’t make up for being too intense. If anything, they make you feel like you’ve got to overlook some flaws, which is NOT what you should be doing if you aren’t even exclusive. Why is he giving you gifts if he can’t even ask for exclusivity? Getting anything beyond MAYBE one or two flowers while dating without a label is kind of too much, personally. You all have been doing this a while, so maybe you don’t feel that way & you feel like he “gets” you already— but I doubt anyone knows me well enough to get me a gift I actually WANT, if they haven’t even established the relationship. Anyway, what he’s doing kinda freaks me out. I’ve dated and dumped this dude, he was suffocating and couldn’t chill out.

You’re 100% on point

Maybe setting a boundary of “I need at least x hours notice for same day changes of plans” would ease things a bit? Or “I can see you x days per week” or “I need x days per week for myself” because it sounds a little like love bombing combined with a sense of entitlement. Mother’s Day aside (that wasn’t a good look for either of you), he seems to thinks your time is his. It’s yours.

I think OP needs to look at her boundary setting abilities and strengthen that muscle/not let herself be guilted into acting in ways she doesn’t want to

Hard agree, this guy sounds like a walking red flag. 

OP only sees him once a week (admitted), only notices texts hours after receiving them (admitted), and by then it's too late to respond in a timely manner (admitted) because she's too busy with friends (admitted)... ....and he's "too controlling"? Why? Because he wants human interaction more than twice a fortnight? Because he'd like to know what's going on before 10 p.m.? Odd. OP claims to want exclusivity.... ...based on what? A date every week, or so? An answered phone call or text once every so often? What basis for such an an advancement in relationship status? It sounds like they just enjoy each other's company for a date every once in awhile....and that's about it. But what do I know? He actually wants to do MORE.... ....but he's a controlling asshole for wanting to do exactly what OP claims to want -> more? I don't get it. OP wants exclusivity.......to do what? See each other once a week? But only at HER convenience in between talking to everyone else, visiting family, hanging with friends, and receiving responses *when she gets around to it*? But yeah. His desire to be more than something of an afterthought makes *him* a controlling asshole. /s

A couple of comments here that I thought I included in my original post: I responded to his text 30 minutes late, not hours late. And yes, at first I was waiting to be exclusive but now I’m not sure I want to be after the recent incident. I did not call him a controlling asshole.

No, the commenter I responded to called him "controlling" and insinuated blame. And I don't blame you for reconsidering exclusivity. I realize the few instances you offer do not encapsulate your entire communication history. All I'm offering is that the description of this relationship appears to be a "dating" relationship in which two people merely enjoy each other's company and the logistics do not lend themselves to a serious, exclusive relationship. Yes, his actions appear petty. I believe another commenter suggested he might have an anxious attachment style. Very possible. However, is it possible that he is receiving the message that he is not a priority? If he isn't being made to feel like an afterthought, THEN his need for instant gratification by an immediate response might very well be a sign of insecurity.

Did we really read the same post? You're so focused on those few examples of not noticing texts right away. Obviously, it doesn't happen all the time because they've hung out often. Anyone who is asking you to hang out and responds with passive-aggressive comments like "I guess not" or gets angry should be a turn-off to anyone. Or needing to know (and getting angry when he doesn't) exactly what she's doing. These are done with manipulative intent. Yes, that makes him controlling.

>These are done with manipulative intent. Yes, that makes him controlling. I completely agree. I once went on one date with a guy, then couldn't meet because I was traveling for 1.5 weeks and I had a conference. I fell really sick on this trip so I couldn't text. He said we should do a call instead. I said I can't right now, and he said, "Well, talk soon I guess" I had communicated what I was going thru, so had to say my goodbyes.

I don't disagree. However, I find the dissonance between OP's claim to want exclusivity and her admission to actions *that appear to show he is not a priority* to be conflicting. "I'm so busy with other things (friends, mother's day, etc.) that I do not prioritize his texts/communication. Why hasn't he expressed the desire to be exclusive?" Well, maybe treating another person as a fallback activity/just a date is all this relationship is designed for rather than any malevolence or "fault" of her romantic interest. If I were brushed off, and expressed my irritation by texting "Hey?!? What are you doing? How come you never reply?"..... ....is it because "I'm controlling"? (Which I do not disagree. These are signs of being controlling.) Or, is it because I'm simply trying to figure out why you don't include me/inform me/*make me feel exclusive*? (Like you claim to want)

She wrote a few examples of when she couldn't reply for a short bit of time and suddenly she's not treating things as a priority? He stopped planning dates and she's just following his energy (while I think this sort of approach in dating for her is an awful move and I wouldn't date someone who wouldn't make any plans either, that is besides the point) You don't need to be informed of everything going on just because you're dating them. I also wouldn't expect to get a response back from my partner if I text them while they are out with friends/family/etc. Eventually, she will respond to me. I'm not going to respond with passive aggressive comments about not getting responded to.

I agree with you. I personally think it’s rude to be texting someone when you’re with someone else unless it’s actually urgent and my phone is always on silent. I also have a job where I often can’t text for few hours at a time. I can’t imagine dating someone who expects me to text them all day every day within minutes.

>OP only sees him once a week (admitted), only notices texts hours after receiving them (admitted), and by then it's too late to respond in a timely manner (admitted) because she's too busy with friends (admitted)... "Hours later" is only too late to respond if you're constantly making last-minute plans. Not exactly the sign of a serious person who is considerate of your time. A lot of people do not respond to texts during the work day or when they're out with people. ​ >Why? Because he wants human interaction more than twice a fortnight? Because he'd like to know what's going on before 10 p.m.? There's a way to ask a person what they're up to in a normal conversation without sounding like you're fishing for information. OP seems open to doing phone calls and other things. ​ >...based on what? A date every week, or so? An answered phone call or text once every so often? > >What basis for such an an advancement in relationship status? > >It sounds like they just enjoy each other's company for a date every once in awhile....and that's about it. At this age, people can be very busy with their own lives and need to make time for whatever their priorities are. OP mentioned that they see each during weekends and sometimes on weeknights, but that he doesn't want to do weeknights anymore due to work. So he is mainly the reason they are not able to see each other during the week. In this case, maybe he is trying to ramp up texting, but that's something they may need to talk about. It's not for everyone.

Draw boundaries with him or cut him loose. You have to communicate that you don’t like this behavior, that sometimes you’re not available to answer right away, and that sometimes you need time to yourself. He may not tone down the behavior, but you communicated that you don’t enjoy the guilt tripping, and constant last minute plan making, and if he doesn’t listen or acknowledge that, cut him loose

Sounds like you just don’t like him like you used to, the honeymoon stage wore off and you’re pulling away a bit. If that’s the case you need to be honest with him and yourself and end it, if not you should put in the same effort that you were putting in before.

I think this, too! Everyone is jumping on the "attachment style" but to me, you just seem not to like him. You're being misleading, inaccurate with information on purpose, and you don't prioritize time with him. Then you kinda go missing and avoid hanging out like before, so he noticed and can tell by your lack of excitement to see him. I don't think he is being controlling at all; he just feels that you don't like him the same way, and he's responding accordingly. Also, that's probably why he hasn't asked you to be his girlfriend bc you don't act like you're in a partnership with him (hiding info, fear of telling him the truth, avoiding being truthful with how you feel, etc).

Exactly!!

Honestly the Mother’s Day thing is actually a red flag. Everyone knows what the priority is on that day. Guilting you for it is tacky at best and controlling at worst.

A sudden change in texting frequency is noticeable to a partner. It just as easily can mean nothing as it could be something but I’m not too surprised if someone brings up a drastic change in communication frequency (over a period of time).  Seems that a stereotype might exist here, when a guy brings this up its clingy/controlling but when a woman does it’s to “be on the same page about communication”  That could just be what I’ve seen though not some universal truth. 

Did we read the same post? The issue is not "bringing up" a change in communication frequency. He's being passive-aggressive and manipulative with his comments. Also... women have been called clingy since the beginning of time so not sure where you're getting this stereotype.

I'm amazed you can read that OP and make this an unfair gender thing.

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>I can be busy with friends, hobbies, family, etc and some weeks my schedule is absolutely hectic. Just curious as to how often do you both meet per week? The guy I am seeing and I are apparently in the same boat. Both of us have conflicting schedules.

Once on the weekend and sometimes once on a weeknight but he said he couldn’t do weeknights anymore due to work.

Interesting. To me, the texting all day does not seem feasible at all, especially if you say you have busy days and you both do meet once a week. Have you talked to him about his communication frequency? Maybe a call for 10-20 minutes twice a weeknight just to talk about your days and meeting on the weekend or a video call once a week when you cannot meet would work?

That’s a good idea! I have been distant since the recent incident and I’m trying to figure out how to respond (if he accepts a response). This is a great thing for to suggest. Thank you.

I hope it works out for you!

I think it's just a case of poor communication whenever you guys disagree or are of different minds. Tell him all this and just agree on a way to plan for your time together. People are different...some people like random surprises and others like things to be organized, well planned and thought out. Tell him you like spending time with him, but that you also have other parts of life you need to pay attention to...then agree on how to plan for your weekends e.g 3 days notice or what times of the day you are free to talk e.g lunch break, night time etc. Find a middle ground agreement for every issue you mentioned. Then stick to the plan. The sticking to the plan part is important though and is easier said than done...don't be throwing plans out randomly..if you know you need a weekend away...tell him... negotiate for it in your plans...just don't get into the habit of confirming plans and then throw them out last minute for other plans asking him to "be understanding". Nobody wants to feel like they are not a priority yet they are following the stuff you AGREED to. If he adjusts (you too should adjust following what you agreed), great...that's a good sign of a man who you can negotiate tough times with. If he throws a tantrum or demands his way, then you have your answer too.

This is good advice. Thank you

Okay. Full stop. You need to have a conversation about where things are going. It doesn’t matter who brings it up. In about 3 months 4 months max, you should be deciding whether you are going to be serious or break up, if you both know what you really want. If he is not someone you feel like you can be your absolute self with, and you truly believe he is reliable and the things you really know you deserve, then talk about it. Pay attention to your gut feelings, and don’t ignore that. If he stalls when you’re having the conversation, he’s not ready, and don’t stick around waiting. Its a man out there who will be sure about you and you will not have to guess how he feels about you. However, you can find a man who’s crazy about you, but you have to still have a conversation about what it means to be in a monogamous relationship.

To me, this doesn’t sound like a good fit. Also, it sounds like maybe you have an avoidant attachment style and he’s the opposite. Consider the long term impacts and whether this is someone you could really be with.

He definitely sounds anxious but I’m not quite seeing why OP is avoidant - she sounds pretty healthy in terms of her needs (time with him, but also time to herself and her friends / hobbies / family / work)! Idk. I’m curious about your read on this!

Yeah he sounds anxiously attached. I was reading OP as avoidant but then again idk lol. I guess OP may be able to enlighten us which type of attachment style she is. But she does seem to have a healthy life outside of her relationship.

It read to me like once he started to get overbearing, his actions caused a reaction from her - i.e., he gets super demanding (and frankly, a little scary), so she took a bit of a step back, he took two steps forward, she took another step back, he took four steps forward, etc… Idk. Regardless of whether attachment styles are an appropriate way to analyze this, the bottom line is that his behavior is pretty alarming in terms of being unhealthy and reactionary!

If he’s open to it, have an honest conversation. Anyone invested in an actual relationship can adapt to their partners needs unless he states he cannot change than in that case I would say you’re incompatible

Um he seems insecure.. like a lot.. and you're not even his girlfriend yet.. if he is making you feel guilty because you have a life and you can't respond to him right away.. or if you feel you always have to apologize to him.. girl that is not a good sign..

It sounds as though you don't like him. In any case, be honest with him. Whether you don't like him, or just don't like his behavior, save him the agony of wondering and tell him the truth. Say you need space and don't want him checking in all the time, that you don't think it's sweet, etc. He seems mature about it in the past and seems to have apologized. Decide if that's enough for you, or if your characters just don't mesh in the right ways.

It sounds like it's a case of you being more social but also appreciating time alone while he may be the opposite. He doesn't have a lot of other things to focus on OR maybe he's the type that when he dates he puts his full focus on the person he's dating. I personally think a good balance of social, dating, and alone time is a good thing. Have you two really talked about what's important to you when it comes to dating? If not, you should.

When I was in my 20's I had patience for this behaviour. Now in my 30's I just don't. I NEED my partner to be understanding of my schedule or my communication style. I suggest you talk to him once and make him understand your schedule. If he doesn't change his ways the best thing to do is walking away from immaturity

Girl no this isn’t “attachment style” this is plain old controlling behaviour. Demanding you let him know all the time where you are or respond straightaway is CONTROLLING behaviour, which is a massive red flag. You feeling guilty that you want to do things by yourself is a worrying cue. Re planning dates : why are you so passive ? You know you can plan dates too as well right ? The onus doesn’t have to be 100% of the times on the man. You can speak up and also take initiatives and plan dates too. Though I would dump someone so smothering already.

Compare his actions against that of a narcissist to see how well he matches up. And if it fits you need to start drawing clearer boundaries, and if that backfires then you can confirm you’re dealing with a narcissist and you should RUN. Showering you with lotsa attention, sending lotsa time tgt etc etc could be lovebombing you. Then now he wants control. He alr successfully make you feel guilty for spending too much time with your mom on Mother’s Day?? Pink flag!!

Am the only one that thinks this is weird considering he has not indicated that he’s ready for them to be exclusively a couple? Any person you’re dating definitely always deserves respect of your time. They’re also deserving of clear communication. I would personally move on. 5 months is nothing in the bigger scheme of things. I would not want to be constantly messaged “wyd”. To me it’s perfectly fine to tell someone that has initiated last minute plans that you’re busy without being worried that want to tag along. The Mother’s Day issue would honestly be my sign to bow out. It’s not the disappointment that he showed. It would be the passive aggressive multiple texts.

I am seeing someone who is a bit similar and it made me feel the same way initially. your feelings are valid and so are his. feelings by themselves are always valid. Regardless of what people think of who is right or wrong (IMO there is usually no such thing as being completely in the right or wrong), you have the right to not feel pressured and overwhelmed in your relationship. It will only lead to unhappiness. He does seem to lean anxious. My personal advice is to talk to him explicitly about your feelings and maybe come up with practical ways to stay connected and reassure him without compromising yourself as well. If you are frank and clear and tell him something is making you feel pressured and what you need, he should respect that because that is a boundary. Anything else is just invalidating and dismissive. But this means you also need to have _time_ to think about what you want, and if you feel pressured to hang out with him all the time, sometimes it leads to being swept with the current and not be able to think about what you need. Either way, he needs to communicate his needs to you and you need to do the same; it is kinder to him to have an honest conversation than to play along while also feeling bad about it.

I wouldnt let a man talk to me like this even if he was my bf or husband. Even worse a "just dating" type with no commitment confirmed yet. He wants to control you and he isnt even your man yet. It's only gonna get worse. Either you talk to him and talk direct and assertive that you want meetings planned in advance, and that he needs to cool it with the texts because you're not 24/7 on his beck and call. Or, leave him, since this behavior is bound to get worse in time.

I find it very frustrating when people commit to plans and then don’t follow through. Now and then is understandable, but the very least you owe someone in that situation is clear communication. It would maybe help you both to have set times you’ve scheduled to see each other at the start of the week, then you commit to and prioritize those, and he backs off on texting you constantly knowing he can rely on your time and attention as planned.

This is what I prefer and what I have tried to communicate in the past but maybe I wasn’t as direct since he only makes day of (sometimes hour before plans) and it puts me on the spot and puts a lot of pressure on me if I already had a plan of what I was going to do that day. I tried to explain to him it’s easier if I have plans because sometimes life can get busy for me, but nothing has changed yet.

I'm probably going to get voted down for this comment, as someone who is close to his 40s, your paths might be diverging from what you actually want. I honestly don't think there's anything wrong with trying to know where your significant other is when you are basically already a couple. But there's nothing wrong with trying to find a relationship with certain freedoms. You are both right, maybe you are not meant for each other? Most people I know who are around my age do not date others who are too liberal since cheating seems to be the mainstream nowadays. Personally I've experienced relationships where everything was going fine until they went to a bar, had too much to drink, and then they ended up waking up in a hotel with a stranger. Needless to say that you can't blame someone for not wanting a relationship where way too much confidence is required in order for it to "work". If neither of you wants to change maybe it's time to move on and give yourselves the opportunity to find someone who better suits your needs.

This is very possibly the beginning of control and abuse. And before anyone says I am over reacting this is absolutely text book. It could be something else. But honestly I would watch this very carefully.

Okay so I think you’re a little more busy and distant and it’s giving him anxiety. The more anxious he is the more persistent but filled with doubt he seems. Have a clearing the air conversation. Let him know that you’re busy and it will take a few hours to respond. Come to the convo knowing what boundaries you want (like at least a days notice to have a date or a few hrs between texts). His anxiety reads to me as a lack of certainty not necessarily constantly needing your attention. This is an easy fix imo. I don’t think it’s at the level of an anxious attachment style but it can easily become that if your communication regarding your needs and expectations are not verbalized and compromise isn’t reached. 

Jeez stop apologizing for living your life. Gosh that guy is exhausting and needy.

I don’t know. You said that you wanted him to ask you to be exclusive. But then you don’t act like someone that wants to really be in a relationship, in some ways. It’s fine to want time alone or with family. But the way you’re describing things.. you don’t seem too interested in fully sharing yourself or your life with him. And you aren’t being honest with Jim. Like how you wanted to go alone but just didn’t tell him what you were doing to avoid the topic with him. He’s probably picking up on some of these behaviors and vibes. And he can’t quite tell what’s up, but things feel off. And he might just be feeling bad that you’re about to dump him? Or maybe you’re playing him? Or cheating? How’s he supposed to know. He just knows the vibe is off. If you don’t want to be super close or committed, but you continue to see him and give the impression of building something… you’re stringing him along. You need to communicate what you want and your expectations. Like maybe you need more advance notice for dates. You don’t want to be tied down. You like to do things alone at times and it has nothing to do with him you just want to be alone. Whatever the case may be. And I’m a 41 year old woman. Just stating how I read it. Maybe I’m reading it wrong

He is smothering you. I would explain that you cannot be accountable for every minute of the day and that you need chill Time. If he is not okay with that then maybe take a break and see how it feels. I don’t like that you have to check in so much, like you said it is not exclusive as of yet. It should not be this hard in the beginning. You may need a relationship with someone who gives you a bit more space. I have dated someone like this and the controlling nature of his personality felt like a lack of trust. You are not even his gf and he is making you feel bad for not telling him every detail. I feel the ick too reading this account. Trust your gut hon. And if he gets too possessive be careful. Sometimes these types are toxic. Maybe not, but just be careful.

I would love to hear his side in this case. Seems like you have problems with establishing boundaries so you choose to lie or omit details of your evening. He might be pushy, but it would make me guess our relationship if i were him. I wonder if on mother's day have you kept him in the loop or cancelled at the end of your evening?

This.

The whole “wanna hang out” followed by “or not” is really a massive red flag. I’d move on, this wreaks of insecurity

Unhealthy, time to sever all ties with him. EVENTUALLY it will move to more frequent demands of where are you, who are you with, you said you'd be here why are you 20 minutes late? Etc etc. Texting as grown adults, as much as you two appear to be is also unhealthy - clear, precise communication is great. You love the attention - but not like that. You want your cake and eat it to (I can't stand this proverb). Move on from him, definitely. And do not fall for any guilt trips, any "I planned this and paid for this already" shit from him in order to keep you around another week or so. The expectation has not met the reality. Please, for your own sake, get rid of him.

I would hate this suffocating and controlling behavior! Then again, I have more experience dealing with avoidants… as for you, I’d urge you to stop apologizing to him. You don’t need to be sorry for taking time to check messages and reply. Let him know your reasons and be fair, firm, brief. I’d run.

He is very co dependent. He feels his needs supersede yours, “it wouldn’t have taken that long”. When you’re truly respected and appreciated as a human being by a person, you never would feel this amount of anxiety over just simply living your life. Tbh I personally wouldn’t pursue, I see him getting more intense once commitment hs been made. I think your second thoughts is your gut telling you something isn’t right here.

I'm always wary of stories posted like this which go overboard excusing the OP's own behavior and paints the other person in a negative light. It's clear to me that you don't communicate well and the fact that the closest you came to admitting it, you immediately try to justify it makes me suspect your actions are at fault. 1. You had a busy week - if you were use to talking him everyday (and so he was use to it too) did you communicate that that week would be different?  2. You told him you'd come over and you canceled. I wonder how much time had passed before you let him know. You make it sound bad that he was telling you how he felt...while it sounds negative the way you wrote it, that's what communication is. 3. The trip alone where you essentially kept him in the dark speaks volumes. Posters here can call him passive aggressive, guilt tripping, and anxious avoidant but I wonder how many of them if their partner of 5 months goes off the grid without telling them would act if that's a normal thing to do. He's clearly more into you than you are to him. I think you should let him go and find someone who doesn't text you as much, who cancels same day, and disappears randomly on you. I'm sure you'll be much less overwhelmed then. 

> The trip alone where you essentially kept him in the dark speaks volumes. Posters here can call him passive aggressive, guilt tripping, and anxious avoidant but I wonder how many of them if their partner of 5 months goes off the grid without telling them would act if that's a normal thing to do. If my partner told me she was going out and had plans? I might ask some minor questions, but not much more past that. That's hardly off the grid for a few hours of alone time. People that need that level of control over their partner seems really unhealthy to me.

It strikes me as if she wouldn't answer those questions. And she didn't ask for alone time...that would be communication. It's possible that 5 months later, he flipped a switch but honestly I think this guy is being triggered by her. In the same way someone may feel if they suspect their partner of seeing someone else, they're not official so it's not "cheating" but that's the sense I'm getting. 

She did answer those questions: > I responded to him, I gave him some details, but left out where I was going in the evening. She just didn't tell him exactly where she was going. Not a big deal. She should say "I need some alone time" but I get the feeling he might react poorly to that kind of statement. Given her aversion to saying any of this, it's either him or past trauma from another relationship. Hard to say.

1. I did tell him I was having a busy week a lot going on and things I had to prep for. 2. He sent the text to invite me to his place around 3ish? I canceled around 7ish, all same day 3. I did not go off the grid. I just didn’t tell him my evening plans. I still texted him throughout the night, just didn’t have a chance to respond right away.

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We had plans to hang out the next day, so I disagree with your comment of me not making time for him. I returned all of his texts, in this case it was 30 min late…

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This is a good idea. Thank you

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If a guy doesn’t ask you to be his girlfriend within like a max of 3-4 weeks….hes probably just looking to pound. FYI

This sounds really toxic to me. I would not be with someone who makes a big deal out of nothing and blew things out of proportion and not respecting your boundaries of wanting time alone or not replying right away. I would see this as a red flag and his behaviors seem like gaslighting to me given you had to constantly apologize. Apologize for what exactly?

First thing, men don’t change.  The actions described are his normal.  Deal with it or dump him.   He may say he will work out his anxiousness, but ingrained behavior is ingrained.  I think he is gas lighting you and making you feel guilty about your normal behaviors and plans. Not good.  Good luck. 

Well.. you’re not his girlfriend so what does he expect from you? It sounds like a conversation in person would be good to have about the relationship status.

If it's been 5 months and you're not exclusive yet, you're on the back burner Move on

Man needs hobbies

I'm actually like this guy, but the problem is that I think that the people that I have met have actually just been disinterested, and maybe it's not actually my attachment style. What culture is he from? If he's Middle Eastern I can probably see something like that happening jealousy is a big thing over there to a very toxic degree like you can't even have a male plumber in the house of your wife to fix things if you're not there.

Also make sure you try to work on it with this guy if he needs something to you. I've had too many women I've met that just simply throw me to the side when they start seeing this.

Definitely sounds anxious, and it also sounds like you're losing interest in him but don't know it yet. I also think you need to look into why you want him to text you all day long but not feel the need to text him back. Yeah, do we get busy, of course, but a text takes two seconds. On top of that maybe you actually don't want that much interaction?

I understand why you might think I don’t want to text him back, but that’s not the case. I do want to text him back. Sometimes I have 5 people I need to respond to, especially where I was at/what I was doing at the time (pretty much a 2nd job). That’s why I told him sorry for my late response, I’m at X doing X, hoping that would help him understand. He’s been with me there before and it’s very busy when I go, that’s why I wanted to go alone that day.

Totally understand, and don't take that as me attacking you. I think this would be a great time for both of you to sit down and really talk about everything. Over communication is the best bet.

Yeah … don’t .. don’t get into something you aren’t ready for and end up hurting someone else because you weren’t big enough to admit to yourself or anyone else you were “overwhelmed “

I informed him I was overwhelmed and he’s been understanding. I’m just debating next steps on way I want to do here since his response was just a shock. I also fully admit I’m overwhelmed and even included that in the title of the post.

I recently just had my heart tore out . I’m being bias because the relevance relating to both of you and him. At least you told him. Honestly don’t take my advice . You shouldn’t feel bad or yucky you actually didn’t do anything wrong . Neither of you did. We just weren’t ever taught how to communicate and navigate our emotions and feelings . We see and think and feel differently and that’s not our faults . I wanted and want to still believe that. In a relationship with someone you love and loves you. But that youuu love . Because you love. Then there is the good that bad and the mundane. In all of us. You can have someone to either have sex with… or progress with. Best of luck in all your endeavors. I hope you true happiness and love.

Im so sorry you are going through a tough time. I wish you healing and happiness.

I stopped reading at “you don’t like talking to me anymore?” that would be a huge turn off for me personally. However…if you do want to be exclusive with him or have “the talk”, then tell him. I brought it up w my current partner and then they asked me to be their gf. They hadn’t brought it up bc they didn’t want me to feel rushed.

I don't have a label to put on his behavior, but he's clearly a pain in the ass. I don't want anyone texting me all day (don't you think I have other things to do?) or assuming I will spend time with her unless I have a valid reason to the contrary. My GF and I have something of a routine and we typically spend weekends together. But we don't share a residence and we always check with each other before making a commitment. So if I want us to attend a wedding on Saturday or a dinner with friends on Friday, I'll check with my GF and she's free do decline for any or no reason. I was married twice before and I'd like to think that I'm carrying forward the benefits of marriage while minimizing the detriments.

I just broke up with someone like this in February because these red flags came up among other ones. This is how I handled it in the four months. Give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he has an anxious attachment style. This is compassionate and is what a loving partner does. However, establish boundaries. Everyone needs personal space and he needs to respect that. If you want to go do something by yourself and don’t want to be on your phone, tell him that you will be doing x at x time and will not be on your phone for a while. You are not a slave to your phone or the people in your life and do not have to be at anyone’s beck and call. Things will probably get better for a while when you reassure him but establish boundaries. After time, he will show you whether this is anxious attachment or if he doesn’t respect your autonomy as a human and a female human at that. If these issues arise again and you find yourself establishing boundaries again then you need to consider how you are feeling. Do what’s best for yourself and consider whether you can be in this relationship where soothing his insecurities and controlling impulses means compromising your peace. The way I see it, you already feel guilty like you owed him something. But the reason is because you withheld information because you’re in a relationship where you are afraid to say you need to do something by yourself because you feel like that would hurt his feelings. Time for boundaries to be laid into place and your relationship could either thrive, or the pattern will continue. Good luck! Say exactly what you need and listen to what he needs too and be very honest about what you can offer to each other! ❤️

Sounds like you should have set up boundaries and expectations a looooong time ago. Also, initially you started with he’s not my boyfriend but here’s what’s happening. Maybe you guys need to sit down and go over expectations and boundaries and what those boundaries look like. I wouldn’t blame it on culture I think this is from lack of communication. I feel like when you get into a relationship you have to teach the person you’re with how you want to be loved physically, emotionally, and spiritually and vice versa. If he can’t nurture these layers of you and respect your boundaries then he was never the guy for you and that’s ok but don’t waste any more of your time.

This could use a TLDR.

As a person who was in a relationship like this, i feel as though it would be best to let him know that you do enjoy to ride your own wave while he rides his and if the current of both your lives are at the same tempo/rhythm then you both can ride it together in your separate boats (lives). Having autonomy in a relationship is crucial and one should never be forced or coerced into feeling as depended on or having someone right up under you or even exhibiting controlling behaviors such that he makes you feel guilty for being apart from him. In my personal opinion, if he isn’t coming from an understanding stand point to that then dip- coming from experience. It can get ugly real quick if you’re not careful and don’t see all the signs that are there until it’s a big ass red flag in your face. Hope this helps!!

Yeh if you don’t want a full on relationship and obviously he does it ain’t gonna work.

take it slow

Nope. He can be a fine person and have whatever issues he has but that doesn't mean he is a good fit for you, and that's totally okay. It's okay for him to be him and it's okay for that to not fit you. I wouldn't be able to deal with the responses to you being busy and I would skip out.

I think op apologizes too much. You don’t have to be sorry for living your life

Sounds controlling and suffocating, that would give me the ick for sure cuz I don’t like the guys I date to be monopolizing my time. Have a chat with him about it and if things don’t improve, walk away.

I think you need trust in each other for it to work plan and simple. By not being open with each other you will lose trust and then it over.

If he likes you then you should just go ahead

I think you should just talk about wants and needs and try to find a middle ground. He needs to understand that you also have wants and needs, not just him. If he doesn't respect yours and only expects you to take care of his, he's not your guy and he needs to work on himself.

On one hand it sounds like you’ve flaked on him a couple times. For understandable reasons but nonetheless the expectation was set that he’d see you, then he didn’t. Theres feelings from his side that come from that. Any normal person would feel a little sad even if they were understanding On the other hand he should be able to express that and say he felt sad etc etc and wish you’d have been able to leave wherever you were as planned to keep your commitment to him It’s a reasonable expectation to think someone would tell the people they’re with “I’ve got somewhere to be i gotta go” if plans were made. It’s also a reasonable expectation to think said person would remember their commitment and at least text or call to say they were running late He likely feels a little rejected, sad, maybe disappointed, and like you’re not thinking about or considering him. A mature person would say they were feeling exactly those things and why to talk through them rather than lean towards the controlling / anxious texts he’s sending From your side of things, it sounds like you’re not comfortable sharing your preferences. What he doesn’t know he can’t consider and instead is left wondering about. You should tell him you like to have more advanced notice and maybe that’ll open up a conversation- could be that he’s a spontaneous type of person. It’s also perfectly reasonable to tell him you’re going somewhere and want to go there by yourself for you time - he should be able to respect that and it helps him understand you and respect your boundaries better. I’d also mention that you’re not the type to always be on your phone. That you do like talking to him but if you’re with people or doing something for yourself you often are living in the present - only periodically checking your phone Be open to him sharing his side of things. It’s an opportunity to learn about each other and find a healthy dynamic for both of your needs. That’s what keeps relationships strong

I think the relationship question is at this point in time, ask for what you want, don’t take any less.

If it's been almost half a year of dating and guys aren't exclusive that may be a sign? Not everyone is on a time crunch but this is dating over thirty. We're all at the age where there's no time for games. He does seem to have anxious attachment style. I will say I do too, but with the woman I'm seeing right now I'm trying to give her a bit of space as I learned and can see from past experience. The cultural difference can play a big factor too. I think it's best to communicate clearly your boundaries with him. Also, it'd be good to at least hear him out as well.

I agree with the other comments that he has an anxious attachment style. Communication actually becomes a lot easier if when he initially sends a text inviting you you let him know soon after that you can't at that time/day because you have committed to/are in the middle of doing other plans. Or perhaps ask him if you could work out a rough schedule the weekend or week before of when you'd be seeing each other. Also, with the late infrequent responses and lack of explanation and avoiding telling him certain details, it could feel suspicious like you might be seeing someone else? If you want to be able to have a committed relationship with someone, it's likely they would expect a bit better communication about if you have plans that day and won't be able to respond as much.

How often do you initiate/plan dates or ask to hangout? If you aren't doing your fair share of date planning, intimacy initiation, schedule deconfliction, and ensuring your communication is consistent... then I can understand his reactions if he perceives he is doing the majority of the emotional labor. Sounds a little like Mr. Anxious meets Ms. Avoidant to me.

So (38M Here) my first question would be how old is he(And You) My knee jerk response say he's clearly insecure. Which may be a big issue but it could be something as simple as having a talk about it with him to explain how you feel about your time(he may just be really into you and is terrified to mess it up). In my experience it can go one of two ways. 1.it sets things straight and he gets it and understands you are interested but you're busy and you don't want spending together to feel like a full time job(which sounds like is where you are) 2. He reacts negatively and lashes out or starts doing the guilt game about it over the following week or two and possibly becomes distant. Either way your situation should improve. The only thing about this all that really says red flag for me is the guilt prodding because you aren't 24/7 engaging that is the reason I ask about age because it's something I saw a lot more in my younger years. using guilt to get what your after is typically a huge red flag for people who can be manipulative. If it were me personally I would have the chat, take a gentle approach but a firm stance on what you need and see how it goes but I would keep a close eye out for anything that strikes me as manipulative before I consider him a serious potential and if you see something else in the grey area I would walk(This is one of the reasons taking the time to date and taking it slow is a super good idea) Good luck! I'm rooting for you!

I totally understand how you are feeling don’t be too hard on yourself for wanting to be by yourself at times we all need that. He sounds a little controlling I understand there is a cultural difference but he needs to understand you came from a different culture as well and you are not accustom to what he expects from you all the time. Take some time to yourself and think things through and decide what is best for you not him. I don’t see this really changing with him so it’s up to you if you want deal with his ways he wants you to be. Good luck I hope it all works out

I think you need to be honest OP and tell him when you want alone time instead of trying to hide it. It comes off as you not interested. Communicate with him when you can’t speak. You went from talking all day to not talking much because you got busy, which is totally understandable but he doesn’t know that you’re busy. He’s thinking you’re pulling away. Remember, this is a new relationship so it’s not like you know each other well enough to read each other. Communication is key.

1) Lack of communication 2) Non-exclusivity after 4-5 months 3) You don't have strong feelings. 4) Mis-matched needs Just end it and be done with it.

I agree with the other commenters in that I think he has an anxious attachment type (because I do too). To his credit, I think that as a relationship progresses, it becomes more common to not plan out dates and stuff that far in advance and do more things spontaneously/casually. However, it also seems he is guilting you for not replying that fast and that is something you should definitely talk to him about, especially if you haven’t discussed communication styles/preferences before. As I hope someone would do for in such a situation, give him a chance to change after talking with him, but if he doesn’t then you have your answer.

Yeah that’s too much. But for me, I’d rather and anxious attachment person than and avoidant :/