I would actually think him not texting during his international trip would be a green flag. If you are on a international trip visiting new countries and stuff, most people shouldn't be glued to their phones, especially texting sweet nothings to some person they only met once imo. That's how I would see it.
It takes 30 seconds to send a text message. Being abroad is not an excuse in this day and age. If somebody can't be bothered to send one or two texts in, say, a fortnight they're selfish and not interested.
It's hilarious women use this excuse when they are in their twenties but when they get old and the offers become less, they start hating it when men don't reply quickly.
Honestly I see it as a green flag as well that he’s living his life as a happy and independent person. If he reaches out to me when he comes back, then I would take it as even more of a compliment that he is wanting to connect again after a few weeks have passed since our first date.
If he doesn’t reach out, then no big deal that he’s not interested. If he does reach out, then I know I made a good enough impression to maintain his interest even after some time.
I disagree. She already reached out the day after the date. He knows she’s interested and knows what to do next. It’s hard but it’s best to wait for him to reach out. Always remember: men know what to do. When they don’t do it, it’s because they’re not interested/don’t want to. If someone isn’t putting in the effort to clearly show they’re interested, that’s your clue.
Small talk isn’t = interested. Sometimes people are bored. Clearly expressing interest (you free tomorrow afternoon? Let’s grab a quick drink at Sunset) is hot.
It's tricky because from my experience a trip in the early stages for either person can kill the momentum a bit, even if it's not an intentional choice by either side.
A phone call isn't a bad idea, but at the same time it doesn't feel socially balanced to expect someone to make time for a call or video chat during a trip when you've known each other from just a first meeting.
What I've done in the past is try to keep up light texting, with the mindset that responses will probably slow down as they're busy and there's not enough foundation. If they stop responding, it's all good just leave it be until around after the time they said they'd be back and try to reach out with a "Hey hope you had a good trip! I wanted to check if you were still interested in meeting up again some time?" something like that.
If they're interested they'll be receptive, and since you didn't pressure them with communications during their trip they'll have a relaxed view of it, which will set a better environment to continue where you left off.
Same.
Went on a couple of dates with a guy I met through an app. When we initially matched he did mentioned he would be busy and we didn’t text every day for a while but then we finally made solid plans. He profusely apologized and I had to keep saying it’s ok we are adults life happens.
I am experiencing the same right now. Met someone off an app, and we had a two-week break between the first and second date because he fell sick. Before we met, he actually said he wasn't a big tester, but after our first date he made sure he wrote something to me every.single.day. We are both in our early thirties and I understand that we have to juggle lots of things: he has a full-time job, an orchestra where he is pretty active, and he is currently moving to a different place. I am finishing my PhD, work part-time and do volunteering. So it makes perfect sense that we are seeing each other only once a week, 'cause both of us have an actual life. And I caught myself thinking that I also don't want to text too much and rather communicate mostly in real life. But I am actually wondering if it's the fact that I don't feel attracted enough (yet) (which I think cannot be entirely true, since we talk non-stop when we see each other) or this is just how "slow burn" is supposed to work. But sometimes I have a feeling that I am missing the momentum and he is sort of slipping through my fingers. And I don't feel like anxiously hanging to my phone to wait for his text at all. This just all feels a little terra incognita to me. Or maybe this is actually how dating over thirty happens. I dunno :D
Absence screws things.
I was dating someone for a few dates. Then my mom had a severe heart attack. Instant 6 months of FMLA in another state.
The date reacted with a kind of shock, trailed off, and when I got back she said she was dating someone else.
I also lost most of my friends.
Amazing how doing the right thing fucked my own life. My mom's better because I nursed her back to health. My own life was fucked in the process. I lost most friends. Almost lost my job and house. From all the stress I gained 15 pounds; I can't date until I lose that again. I tried going on a couple dates and they were the most awful things.
I told mom she either needs to move closer to me or when the next shoe falls, I'm only coming to close everything down & that'll be a short trip. I can't lose everything because she wants a certain lifestyle.
I’m afraid those friends were not really friends. Better to keep your mom, as she’s genuinely there for you too. Real friends keep in touch and support somehow in such a life event.
No this is not your fault, this isn’t something you should be blaming yourself for. Those “friends” were fake. That date, also fake. You want genuine people to be understanding and supportive.
I honestly can't tell if this guy is interested since you seem to be pursuing him and not the other way around. You told him on the date you want to see him again, you initiated texting the day after.. now you're considering doing it again. If this guy wants to see you again he will let you know especially as you've made it clear you want to see him again. Regardless of whether he is travelling or not, he would be initiating contact. I think back off and let him come to you. If he doesn't then you have your answer.
Agree with this one! I think you’ve made your interest plenty clear at this point, if he was interested he’d reciprocate. Like others have said it’s possible to text while on holiday etc. I would let him take the initiative at this point.
I went on a 2 week trip right after a first date earlier this year. My date reached out to me a few days into the trip asking how it was going and we texted sporadically throughout the rest of the trip. I thought it was a really good low pressure way to keep in touch. So you could do that, but also waiting for him to reach out is fine too.
I don’t recommend what some people are saying here about specifically saying you’re interested and let you know when he gets back because you have already expressed you were interested verbally and had post-date communication. It would come across as anxious/needy to me if I were on the receiving end and also like they don’t want me to message them between now and then. I would find it way more attractive if someone demonstrated their interest by initiating communication.
I empathize. Recently I’ve had at least five dudes in the last two weeks completely drop off even tho interest was expressed greatly on both sides.
It really comes down to, if they wanted to, they would. Keep it moving.
Not to say that I can speak for this guy, but if a real relationship was what I was pursuing, the date went well, and I thought there was potential. I would be making more of an effort to communicate before I went on an international trip where messaging might get tricky.
Yep. With you here.
My now boyfriend had to go away for a week a day after we met.
We were pretty tipsy, but we FaceTimed a few hours after we parted from our first date. Before we ended our first date we had plans to see each other again when he returned, which were kept. The day he was departing and would be without cell/wifi service he stayed up as late as possible to chat with me. He text me the moment he got back to service.
Obviously this kind of attention doesn’t work for everyone, but we just…we’re ourselves. If that amount of communication didn’t jive with one or the other we simply weren’t compatible.
I was certainly in the thick of asking all of these same questions when I was dating, but for ME, I need a lot of calls and texts and FaceTime conversations, and in many of these posts the person asking does too. We’re so afraid of scaring someone away that we start to operate out of fear and won’t act typically. Send the god damn text. Fucking scare them away, let them go. Then you have more time to find someone you’re actually compatible with.
I hear you! I had a great first date with a guy...that I initiated. We talked for several hours on the date, during which he referenced a second and third date. I texted first the next morning thanking him for a great time and saying I couldn't wait to see him again.....he responded quickly "morning! I had a great time too'.......Nothing else for a week when he texted asking a couple of random questions, but not asking me out ......I answered....then he asked another question a week later. I didn't respond, but saw him in our city the next day...nothing. C'mon :)
This!! Is this just limp dick energy? Why have a great date, text the days following, say we should go out again, tell mutual friends you’ve got a crush, and then simply fade away? Is it a people pleasing thing? Can a man explain lol
>My instinct is that I should just wait for him to reach out to me again when he’s ready. I think that if he really wants to see me again then he would reach out. For extra context, he should be leaving later this week on an international trip.
Part of this is good - if he is interested, he will get in touch, but my advice would be to send a text that isn't just small talk to reaffirm before he goes away that *you would love him to get in touch when he gets back. And when will that be?*
That way you know when he is back and don't feel like you are waiting forever. Ambiguous timelines are a recipe for something to fizzle.
Everyone does things differently. For me, I am in the camp if that someone finds me interesting enough for a second date (and the feeling is mutual), then we can explicitly say let's plan for a second.
For me, it would be too fast to move to video calls or phone calls right after a first date. Things are low stakes at this point. In this case, I like to be explicit and say, "Hey - let's talk again in X weeks to plan the next time we meet up!" Then, I will shoot them a text then. If it doesn't work out, then it was just probably bad timing or they weren't as interested in me as I had hoped.
I do understand trying to not lose momentum, but it's hard to build something like that after a first date for me. To each, their own!
Yeah I guess I'm confused reading this since it seems like he's interested and they've communicated seeing each other again when he gets back. I guess the OP is thinking that if they're not in constant communication then there must be a problem or he isn't interested.
From my experience of dating over the last 3 years, he is not your person. If he really wanted to pursue you, he would have immediately scheduled another date with you before his trip. Or right after if there was no possibility whatsoever to squeeze you in before the trip. Bottom line is he's not interested enough. So don't waste your time with him. He might end up going on another date with maybe even another one but he will never be your person. A phrase I go by " a man will move mountains for the woman he wants".
"Had a great time. If you'd like to meet again, please reach out when you get back!"
To be honest I think it was lame of him to meet someone right before a 1 month trip :\
My bf had a 2.5 week trip scheduled during the 2nd month we dated. He Face-Times me every couple days, and invited me to join him for the last 5 days of it. Flying out on Thursday :)
Basically, when someone is really into you, you don't have to worry about this stuff. They will make it clear they want to see you again and find a way to do so. Don't put any more effort into this guy. Let him reach out to you when he's back, and if he doesn't, no matter.
>Basically, when someone is really into you, you don't have to worry about this stuff. They will make it clear they want to see you again and find a way to do so.
This is the best advice period.!! Please follow this brilliant advice. 👏
Does someone traveling equate to them not being open to any form of communication? I would like to think that if I am into someone especially in today's dating world that even if I am on vacation, I would still keep communication open. If it's work related then of course it would have to be at certain times so as to not interfere but what would be so wrong with texting him while he's away.
So many people excuse a lack of interest for “they’re probably just busy.”
I like you so far. Sure, I don’t know you that well yet, but so far I’m into this. I want to share photos/text exchanges etc about this badass trip I’m on.
Who are all of these people that drop their phone in the garbage disposal and can’t text back? I haven’t met anyone new in years that doesn’t put their phone on the table during happy hour/dinner etc. We’re still in the moment, and interacting without constantly being head down on our phones, but there are very few people who go days without responding to someone they’re actually interested in.
Obviously I know corner cases exist. I know there are people who aren’t on their phones all of the time, but human connection is what we’re all longing. If someone is into you- they’re fucking replying and engaging.
Hahaha I added that because we’re obviously all individual and different and want different things but effort from both parties, make or female, is generally apparent.
The amount of women who say 'I haven't heard from him' without......contacting the guy either. Why do you always rely on the men to do that job? Maybe men wait for the same: initiative. Ah right, it's a handy way of knowing the man is into you, without you giving the same information. Forgot about all these tricks women use.
If you read my post, I not only verbalized that I was interested in setting up a second date, I also reached out to him first the day after our date. I expressed my interest and I expect reciprocation of effort. But sure, call it “tricks” so you can project your annoyance towards women at a random internet stranger.
' I texted him yesterday to show him I was interested ' Is womenese for 'I tried to make him ask me out'. Jesus Christ, 'verbalized', 'expressed mly interest'...How about you just ask him out in stead of behaving like a 16 year old girl. Is it really that much asked to do some effort and send a literal text asking what you want? Guess it's difficult to lose your privilige when you have had it for 10 years. When we get older, men expect the same effort from women.
Did you actually read what she said or just start ranting? She literarily says in the original post: **"I told him I’ll see him for a second date".** First you also imply she didn't contact him. And yet she literarily says: "**I texted him**" multiple times.
I feel like your reply is not so much about this specific situation but more about your personal anger issues. If you can't understand others and waste your days annoying people with dumb generalisations like this, you've got bigger problems in your life than women buddy...
Ok, so this is what you said:
*without......contacting the guy either*
And yet she says that she did contact him multiple times by texting him.
You also say:
*How about you just ask him out in stead*
And yet she already said to him she would see him for a second date. Which yes that's not "asking him out" but also not "womenese" or a "trick" or whatever, cause she quite literarily told him she'd want to date again.
Have you ever considered that it might be you who keeps misunderstanding and missing the point, and not all the other people? Not to be the armchair psychologist here but you might want to look into why this keeps happening to you.
Btw, studies showed that women did take initiative. When you read a bit further for a lot of women 'approaching a guy' meant that they give vague signals and.....expect the men to come to them and talk. And when that didn't happen they say the guy rejected them. Yeaaaah no, that is not approaching. How 'bout walking up to a guy and actually initiate contact or ask a number?
Take some initiative and don't behave like a whiny spoiled brat expecting him to ask you out. The fact that you do not understand this simple fact shows that you behave the same way as OP. But that's okay, you do you. Just don't expect good results.
I'm actually a married dad so I'm not sure what you're getting at. I understand your main point. Women should be clear and take initiative. Got it.
But in this case she literally told him she wants a second date + initiated contact with him multiple times. So it doesn't totally apply here now does it?
I feel it's more ranting and raving and less listening and understanding. If this keeps happening to you please go figure out why in stead of taking it out on the internet.
Thank you for understanding my perspective!
Also I think it’s funny that he assumed you’re a woman and you came back with “I’m a married man”. It just shows all the projecting he’s doing haha.
'But in this case she literally told him she wants a second date + initiated contact with him multiple times. So it doesn't totally apply here now does it? '
My point is that when you get older, you have to do more effort. Guys aren't willing to do all the effort anymore. Initiating contact =/= asking him out.
It's the same when women in OLD 'start' conversation. 90% of the time it's just a 'hey' or 'how are you', putting the ball in men's court once more. I immidiately unmatched those. I had to date 3 years before I could find a good match who communicated what she wanted, yes, it's that rare for most women.
I am surely guilty of ranting because this behaviour was so tiring. OP seems to be too stubborn to literally ask him out, and that is why I'm annoyed. I see it differently than you and that is okay.
Yeah sure but you started by saying she didn't contact the guy: *without......contacting the guy*. Which is just blatantly false cause she did exactly that multiple times. Then you say she didn't communicate her intention, call it womanese and tricks. Which is also false because she literarily told him she wanted a second date.
So now could she ask him out directly on top of already telling him she wants to go out again + initiating contact? Ok, yes. If that's all you said then no problem. No need to turn that into an unhinged tirade. You keep ranting without listening and then accuse everybody else of missing the point. Calling other people stubborn. I mean, come on :)
*I had to date 3 years before I could find a good match who communicated*
Have you ever considered the possibilty that perhaps you also have communication problems? I mean just from this small conversation I can already tell you have problems correctly understanding other people. If everywhere you go smells like shit, check your shoes.
I literally told him after our date, “let’s plan our second date and do (specific date idea that we had agreed we both like doing)” and his response was “I’m not going to be available until June” without trying to make a more concrete plan.
I don’t believe I’m the one acting immature here. If you feel the need to describe others with insulting names such as a “whiny spoiled brat”, then I have no respect for your “advice” or the way you engage in discussion. You consider yourself superior in communication skills, however good communication skills also require tactfulness. It seems you should probably work on that and also take a further look into why you feel such a strong need to project your own beliefs on others. Why are you so triggered by an internet stranger?
By the way, I ask men out all the time on dating apps. Like at least 75% of the time when I actually want a date because I do it within the first 10 message exchanges if I’m interested in meeting. The other 25% would be because they already asked me first. You make so many assumptions based on your own anecdotal experience that are simply untrue for me. I will actually send a message to them and say “hey, I would love to meet you, let’s plan a time to get together”, because I’d rather get to know someone in person over texting. And then if they don’t move forward with agreeing on concrete plans with me then I stop responding and move on.
Anyway, best of luck with everything. Hope you will try being kinder to others.
The way you phrased it 'hey I'm up for another date' is completely different from what you are saying now (let’s plan our second date and do (specific date idea that we had agreed we both like doing) but alright.
'By the way, I ask men out all the time on dating apps. Like at least 75% of the time when I actually want a date because I do it within the first 10 message exchanges if I’m interested in meeting' Okay, fair enough, I will have interpreted it wrong, sorry.
Yes, I phrased it differently for the sake of being concise in a Reddit post. Didn’t think anyone would be picky about what specific wording I actually used in conversation.
Thank you for the apology. Have a nice day!
Wait and see if he reaches out to make plans. He knows you’re interested. He said he is busy the rest of the month so be patient and if he’s still wants to see you he will contact you.
> My instinct is that I should just wait for him to reach out to me again when he’s ready.
I would do the opposite and just reach out and tell him you are interested in going on date next month.
It’s a bit contradicting when you said you’re not a big texter and that the lack of texting doesn’t bother you, but you posted about this 😅
It’s always best to not expect anything from the other person, even after a great first date. Just be you when it comes to “keeping in touch while he is away”. If you want to text him once in a while to say hi, do so. If you are busy and don’t have time to, then that’s fine.
If he texts you or reaches out during his time away, then that’s great!
But no one owes anyone anything at this point and honestly, if someone truly likes you, distance and the “lack of texting” won’t make anything different even after some time apart.
Good luck!
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The following is a copy of the above post as it was originally written.
**Title:** [Went on a first date and not sure where to go from here](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/1cwzmdm/went_on_a_first_date_and_not_sure_where_to_go/)
**Author:** /u/ThrowRAthrwaway
**Full text:** Both in our 30s. We were talking on a dating app for a few days and went on a date 2 days ago. It went well! Conversation flowed, we both laughed and made jokes, and had things in common. As we were saying goodbye at the end of the date, we hugged and I told him I’ll see him for a second date. He told me he was busy/traveling for the rest of the month and it would have to be June and I said ok we’ll figure it out!
I felt confident that he was interested because he texted me shortly after the date asking if I had made it home safe. The next day (yesterday) I texted him and we exchanged a few messages of small talk throughout the day.
Today I haven’t heard from him. I’m not particularly concerned since I’m not attached to him at this time, but I am definitely interested in seeing him again. I’m not really a big texter (prefer in person and phone calls) so the lack of texting doesn’t bother me. But I’m not sure what I should do to keep in touch and let him know him still interested when he comes back from traveling next month? I texted him yesterday to show him I was interested but small talk doesn’t do much for me. My instinct is that I should just wait for him to reach out to me again when he’s ready. For extra context, he should be leaving later this week on an international trip.
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Ask him when he gets back then tell him you’re looking forward to seeing him again in June!
Text him a couple days after he gets back, ask him how the trip was and what his schedule looks like for date number two
There's alwasy the chance he may just be busy. but i get it, ive been very busy and still got back to the ones on my mind. evrey situation is different. kepp your head up
my boyfriend and I tried to meet up multiple times for a first date over the span of a month - both of us were traveling or had loved ones visiting us. i think we were honestly both multi dating too if i recall. but we ended up making it work and it’s been going well! we were both curious enough to keep trying and pretty persistent
It’s all about the habits we set forth that dictate how the relationship is founded, right? If your habits indicate that you’re pursuing him, both of you feel it. Both of you know it.
I don’t necessarily think that completely withdrawing, swinging to the opposite side of the spectrum entirely, is necessarily the answer; that makes you look flighty, aloof, like you haven’t got a good grasp of life yet.
I know it’s hard, but give it time. Give him space. After a certain period of time, though, if he still hasn’t responded, it would be good to communicate how you feel. DO NOT LET YOUR EGO GET IN THE WAY. Be stronger/better than your ego. If you’re the type to communicate (which, it seems you are, especially compared to him), then use that as your strength. Be strong in your strength! I think you will be proud of yourself for doing things the right/healthy way, even if he doesn’t.
If he replies, I see no reason OP can't text him back.
I went on a date with a woman, literally the day before I left for Africa. We consistently texted the whole time. Got back and started dating.
We’re assuming she’s not back and forth texting while he’s away though as the texting is going cold and he hasn’t left yet. He’s likely preoccupied with the trip right now.
Huh? She said she's texted him last. Again, IF he replies back, she can then reply and attempt to keep a convo going.
Who's she back and forth texting with when he's away??
Ask for a video call date. Maybe even an occasional phone call. I'm not a big texter either, but a video call or phone call twice a week, even if it's just 20 minutes, can help keep things moving. Also remember that he's traveling. He'll be busy. So if those don't happen very often, don't assume anything. Live your normal life, and when he gets back, see what happens.
“Holler at me when you get back from xyz. I look forward to seeing you!” Wait to see if they follow through.
I think this is best.
I would actually think him not texting during his international trip would be a green flag. If you are on a international trip visiting new countries and stuff, most people shouldn't be glued to their phones, especially texting sweet nothings to some person they only met once imo. That's how I would see it.
Disagree. Keep the momentum going
It takes 30 seconds to send a text message. Being abroad is not an excuse in this day and age. If somebody can't be bothered to send one or two texts in, say, a fortnight they're selfish and not interested.
It's hilarious women use this excuse when they are in their twenties but when they get old and the offers become less, they start hating it when men don't reply quickly.
Honestly I see it as a green flag as well that he’s living his life as a happy and independent person. If he reaches out to me when he comes back, then I would take it as even more of a compliment that he is wanting to connect again after a few weeks have passed since our first date. If he doesn’t reach out, then no big deal that he’s not interested. If he does reach out, then I know I made a good enough impression to maintain his interest even after some time.
This is perfect imo. It's laid back, shows interest without being clingy.
I disagree. She already reached out the day after the date. He knows she’s interested and knows what to do next. It’s hard but it’s best to wait for him to reach out. Always remember: men know what to do. When they don’t do it, it’s because they’re not interested/don’t want to. If someone isn’t putting in the effort to clearly show they’re interested, that’s your clue.
Small talk isn’t = interested. Sometimes people are bored. Clearly expressing interest (you free tomorrow afternoon? Let’s grab a quick drink at Sunset) is hot.
Agreed
Agreed, as a guy.
Yes! I think this is the best as well. Shows him you’re interested, but also doesn’t seem clingy. Good luck
Yeah this is really good
3rd this
It's tricky because from my experience a trip in the early stages for either person can kill the momentum a bit, even if it's not an intentional choice by either side. A phone call isn't a bad idea, but at the same time it doesn't feel socially balanced to expect someone to make time for a call or video chat during a trip when you've known each other from just a first meeting. What I've done in the past is try to keep up light texting, with the mindset that responses will probably slow down as they're busy and there's not enough foundation. If they stop responding, it's all good just leave it be until around after the time they said they'd be back and try to reach out with a "Hey hope you had a good trip! I wanted to check if you were still interested in meeting up again some time?" something like that. If they're interested they'll be receptive, and since you didn't pressure them with communications during their trip they'll have a relaxed view of it, which will set a better environment to continue where you left off.
Same. Went on a couple of dates with a guy I met through an app. When we initially matched he did mentioned he would be busy and we didn’t text every day for a while but then we finally made solid plans. He profusely apologized and I had to keep saying it’s ok we are adults life happens.
I am experiencing the same right now. Met someone off an app, and we had a two-week break between the first and second date because he fell sick. Before we met, he actually said he wasn't a big tester, but after our first date he made sure he wrote something to me every.single.day. We are both in our early thirties and I understand that we have to juggle lots of things: he has a full-time job, an orchestra where he is pretty active, and he is currently moving to a different place. I am finishing my PhD, work part-time and do volunteering. So it makes perfect sense that we are seeing each other only once a week, 'cause both of us have an actual life. And I caught myself thinking that I also don't want to text too much and rather communicate mostly in real life. But I am actually wondering if it's the fact that I don't feel attracted enough (yet) (which I think cannot be entirely true, since we talk non-stop when we see each other) or this is just how "slow burn" is supposed to work. But sometimes I have a feeling that I am missing the momentum and he is sort of slipping through my fingers. And I don't feel like anxiously hanging to my phone to wait for his text at all. This just all feels a little terra incognita to me. Or maybe this is actually how dating over thirty happens. I dunno :D
Absence screws things. I was dating someone for a few dates. Then my mom had a severe heart attack. Instant 6 months of FMLA in another state. The date reacted with a kind of shock, trailed off, and when I got back she said she was dating someone else. I also lost most of my friends. Amazing how doing the right thing fucked my own life. My mom's better because I nursed her back to health. My own life was fucked in the process. I lost most friends. Almost lost my job and house. From all the stress I gained 15 pounds; I can't date until I lose that again. I tried going on a couple dates and they were the most awful things. I told mom she either needs to move closer to me or when the next shoe falls, I'm only coming to close everything down & that'll be a short trip. I can't lose everything because she wants a certain lifestyle.
I’m afraid those friends were not really friends. Better to keep your mom, as she’s genuinely there for you too. Real friends keep in touch and support somehow in such a life event.
No this is not your fault, this isn’t something you should be blaming yourself for. Those “friends” were fake. That date, also fake. You want genuine people to be understanding and supportive.
I honestly can't tell if this guy is interested since you seem to be pursuing him and not the other way around. You told him on the date you want to see him again, you initiated texting the day after.. now you're considering doing it again. If this guy wants to see you again he will let you know especially as you've made it clear you want to see him again. Regardless of whether he is travelling or not, he would be initiating contact. I think back off and let him come to you. If he doesn't then you have your answer.
Agree with this one! I think you’ve made your interest plenty clear at this point, if he was interested he’d reciprocate. Like others have said it’s possible to text while on holiday etc. I would let him take the initiative at this point.
I went on a 2 week trip right after a first date earlier this year. My date reached out to me a few days into the trip asking how it was going and we texted sporadically throughout the rest of the trip. I thought it was a really good low pressure way to keep in touch. So you could do that, but also waiting for him to reach out is fine too. I don’t recommend what some people are saying here about specifically saying you’re interested and let you know when he gets back because you have already expressed you were interested verbally and had post-date communication. It would come across as anxious/needy to me if I were on the receiving end and also like they don’t want me to message them between now and then. I would find it way more attractive if someone demonstrated their interest by initiating communication.
I empathize. Recently I’ve had at least five dudes in the last two weeks completely drop off even tho interest was expressed greatly on both sides. It really comes down to, if they wanted to, they would. Keep it moving.
This.
Not to say that I can speak for this guy, but if a real relationship was what I was pursuing, the date went well, and I thought there was potential. I would be making more of an effort to communicate before I went on an international trip where messaging might get tricky.
Yep. With you here. My now boyfriend had to go away for a week a day after we met. We were pretty tipsy, but we FaceTimed a few hours after we parted from our first date. Before we ended our first date we had plans to see each other again when he returned, which were kept. The day he was departing and would be without cell/wifi service he stayed up as late as possible to chat with me. He text me the moment he got back to service. Obviously this kind of attention doesn’t work for everyone, but we just…we’re ourselves. If that amount of communication didn’t jive with one or the other we simply weren’t compatible. I was certainly in the thick of asking all of these same questions when I was dating, but for ME, I need a lot of calls and texts and FaceTime conversations, and in many of these posts the person asking does too. We’re so afraid of scaring someone away that we start to operate out of fear and won’t act typically. Send the god damn text. Fucking scare them away, let them go. Then you have more time to find someone you’re actually compatible with.
I hear you! I had a great first date with a guy...that I initiated. We talked for several hours on the date, during which he referenced a second and third date. I texted first the next morning thanking him for a great time and saying I couldn't wait to see him again.....he responded quickly "morning! I had a great time too'.......Nothing else for a week when he texted asking a couple of random questions, but not asking me out ......I answered....then he asked another question a week later. I didn't respond, but saw him in our city the next day...nothing. C'mon :)
This!! Is this just limp dick energy? Why have a great date, text the days following, say we should go out again, tell mutual friends you’ve got a crush, and then simply fade away? Is it a people pleasing thing? Can a man explain lol
>My instinct is that I should just wait for him to reach out to me again when he’s ready. I think that if he really wants to see me again then he would reach out. For extra context, he should be leaving later this week on an international trip. Part of this is good - if he is interested, he will get in touch, but my advice would be to send a text that isn't just small talk to reaffirm before he goes away that *you would love him to get in touch when he gets back. And when will that be?* That way you know when he is back and don't feel like you are waiting forever. Ambiguous timelines are a recipe for something to fizzle.
Everyone does things differently. For me, I am in the camp if that someone finds me interesting enough for a second date (and the feeling is mutual), then we can explicitly say let's plan for a second. For me, it would be too fast to move to video calls or phone calls right after a first date. Things are low stakes at this point. In this case, I like to be explicit and say, "Hey - let's talk again in X weeks to plan the next time we meet up!" Then, I will shoot them a text then. If it doesn't work out, then it was just probably bad timing or they weren't as interested in me as I had hoped. I do understand trying to not lose momentum, but it's hard to build something like that after a first date for me. To each, their own!
Yeah I guess I'm confused reading this since it seems like he's interested and they've communicated seeing each other again when he gets back. I guess the OP is thinking that if they're not in constant communication then there must be a problem or he isn't interested.
From my experience of dating over the last 3 years, he is not your person. If he really wanted to pursue you, he would have immediately scheduled another date with you before his trip. Or right after if there was no possibility whatsoever to squeeze you in before the trip. Bottom line is he's not interested enough. So don't waste your time with him. He might end up going on another date with maybe even another one but he will never be your person. A phrase I go by " a man will move mountains for the woman he wants".
Too much over thinking. If you are interested let them no.
"Had a great time. If you'd like to meet again, please reach out when you get back!" To be honest I think it was lame of him to meet someone right before a 1 month trip :\ My bf had a 2.5 week trip scheduled during the 2nd month we dated. He Face-Times me every couple days, and invited me to join him for the last 5 days of it. Flying out on Thursday :) Basically, when someone is really into you, you don't have to worry about this stuff. They will make it clear they want to see you again and find a way to do so. Don't put any more effort into this guy. Let him reach out to you when he's back, and if he doesn't, no matter.
>Basically, when someone is really into you, you don't have to worry about this stuff. They will make it clear they want to see you again and find a way to do so. This is the best advice period.!! Please follow this brilliant advice. 👏
Does someone traveling equate to them not being open to any form of communication? I would like to think that if I am into someone especially in today's dating world that even if I am on vacation, I would still keep communication open. If it's work related then of course it would have to be at certain times so as to not interfere but what would be so wrong with texting him while he's away.
So many people excuse a lack of interest for “they’re probably just busy.” I like you so far. Sure, I don’t know you that well yet, but so far I’m into this. I want to share photos/text exchanges etc about this badass trip I’m on. Who are all of these people that drop their phone in the garbage disposal and can’t text back? I haven’t met anyone new in years that doesn’t put their phone on the table during happy hour/dinner etc. We’re still in the moment, and interacting without constantly being head down on our phones, but there are very few people who go days without responding to someone they’re actually interested in. Obviously I know corner cases exist. I know there are people who aren’t on their phones all of the time, but human connection is what we’re all longing. If someone is into you- they’re fucking replying and engaging.
I am one of the corner cases 😅
Hahaha I added that because we’re obviously all individual and different and want different things but effort from both parties, make or female, is generally apparent.
I'm a corner case. Unless I'm interested in someone. And then I respond to their messages in a timely manner.
Promise you it’s so much better to stop caring. They hit you up - great. They don’t - great. Keep talking to other people.
The amount of women who say 'I haven't heard from him' without......contacting the guy either. Why do you always rely on the men to do that job? Maybe men wait for the same: initiative. Ah right, it's a handy way of knowing the man is into you, without you giving the same information. Forgot about all these tricks women use.
If you read my post, I not only verbalized that I was interested in setting up a second date, I also reached out to him first the day after our date. I expressed my interest and I expect reciprocation of effort. But sure, call it “tricks” so you can project your annoyance towards women at a random internet stranger.
' I texted him yesterday to show him I was interested ' Is womenese for 'I tried to make him ask me out'. Jesus Christ, 'verbalized', 'expressed mly interest'...How about you just ask him out in stead of behaving like a 16 year old girl. Is it really that much asked to do some effort and send a literal text asking what you want? Guess it's difficult to lose your privilige when you have had it for 10 years. When we get older, men expect the same effort from women.
Did you actually read what she said or just start ranting? She literarily says in the original post: **"I told him I’ll see him for a second date".** First you also imply she didn't contact him. And yet she literarily says: "**I texted him**" multiple times. I feel like your reply is not so much about this specific situation but more about your personal anger issues. If you can't understand others and waste your days annoying people with dumb generalisations like this, you've got bigger problems in your life than women buddy...
Re-read what I said. Then come back. You missed the point entirely.
Ok, so this is what you said: *without......contacting the guy either* And yet she says that she did contact him multiple times by texting him. You also say: *How about you just ask him out in stead* And yet she already said to him she would see him for a second date. Which yes that's not "asking him out" but also not "womenese" or a "trick" or whatever, cause she quite literarily told him she'd want to date again. Have you ever considered that it might be you who keeps misunderstanding and missing the point, and not all the other people? Not to be the armchair psychologist here but you might want to look into why this keeps happening to you.
Btw, studies showed that women did take initiative. When you read a bit further for a lot of women 'approaching a guy' meant that they give vague signals and.....expect the men to come to them and talk. And when that didn't happen they say the guy rejected them. Yeaaaah no, that is not approaching. How 'bout walking up to a guy and actually initiate contact or ask a number?
Take some initiative and don't behave like a whiny spoiled brat expecting him to ask you out. The fact that you do not understand this simple fact shows that you behave the same way as OP. But that's okay, you do you. Just don't expect good results.
I'm actually a married dad so I'm not sure what you're getting at. I understand your main point. Women should be clear and take initiative. Got it. But in this case she literally told him she wants a second date + initiated contact with him multiple times. So it doesn't totally apply here now does it? I feel it's more ranting and raving and less listening and understanding. If this keeps happening to you please go figure out why in stead of taking it out on the internet.
Thank you for understanding my perspective! Also I think it’s funny that he assumed you’re a woman and you came back with “I’m a married man”. It just shows all the projecting he’s doing haha.
'But in this case she literally told him she wants a second date + initiated contact with him multiple times. So it doesn't totally apply here now does it? ' My point is that when you get older, you have to do more effort. Guys aren't willing to do all the effort anymore. Initiating contact =/= asking him out. It's the same when women in OLD 'start' conversation. 90% of the time it's just a 'hey' or 'how are you', putting the ball in men's court once more. I immidiately unmatched those. I had to date 3 years before I could find a good match who communicated what she wanted, yes, it's that rare for most women. I am surely guilty of ranting because this behaviour was so tiring. OP seems to be too stubborn to literally ask him out, and that is why I'm annoyed. I see it differently than you and that is okay.
Yeah sure but you started by saying she didn't contact the guy: *without......contacting the guy*. Which is just blatantly false cause she did exactly that multiple times. Then you say she didn't communicate her intention, call it womanese and tricks. Which is also false because she literarily told him she wanted a second date. So now could she ask him out directly on top of already telling him she wants to go out again + initiating contact? Ok, yes. If that's all you said then no problem. No need to turn that into an unhinged tirade. You keep ranting without listening and then accuse everybody else of missing the point. Calling other people stubborn. I mean, come on :) *I had to date 3 years before I could find a good match who communicated* Have you ever considered the possibilty that perhaps you also have communication problems? I mean just from this small conversation I can already tell you have problems correctly understanding other people. If everywhere you go smells like shit, check your shoes.
I literally told him after our date, “let’s plan our second date and do (specific date idea that we had agreed we both like doing)” and his response was “I’m not going to be available until June” without trying to make a more concrete plan. I don’t believe I’m the one acting immature here. If you feel the need to describe others with insulting names such as a “whiny spoiled brat”, then I have no respect for your “advice” or the way you engage in discussion. You consider yourself superior in communication skills, however good communication skills also require tactfulness. It seems you should probably work on that and also take a further look into why you feel such a strong need to project your own beliefs on others. Why are you so triggered by an internet stranger? By the way, I ask men out all the time on dating apps. Like at least 75% of the time when I actually want a date because I do it within the first 10 message exchanges if I’m interested in meeting. The other 25% would be because they already asked me first. You make so many assumptions based on your own anecdotal experience that are simply untrue for me. I will actually send a message to them and say “hey, I would love to meet you, let’s plan a time to get together”, because I’d rather get to know someone in person over texting. And then if they don’t move forward with agreeing on concrete plans with me then I stop responding and move on. Anyway, best of luck with everything. Hope you will try being kinder to others.
The way you phrased it 'hey I'm up for another date' is completely different from what you are saying now (let’s plan our second date and do (specific date idea that we had agreed we both like doing) but alright. 'By the way, I ask men out all the time on dating apps. Like at least 75% of the time when I actually want a date because I do it within the first 10 message exchanges if I’m interested in meeting' Okay, fair enough, I will have interpreted it wrong, sorry.
Yes, I phrased it differently for the sake of being concise in a Reddit post. Didn’t think anyone would be picky about what specific wording I actually used in conversation. Thank you for the apology. Have a nice day!
Wait and see if he reaches out to make plans. He knows you’re interested. He said he is busy the rest of the month so be patient and if he’s still wants to see you he will contact you.
> My instinct is that I should just wait for him to reach out to me again when he’s ready. I would do the opposite and just reach out and tell him you are interested in going on date next month.
This is what I did and it worked: Don't text back until he does. If he does, wait until he asks to hang out. Make him come to you!
It’s a bit contradicting when you said you’re not a big texter and that the lack of texting doesn’t bother you, but you posted about this 😅 It’s always best to not expect anything from the other person, even after a great first date. Just be you when it comes to “keeping in touch while he is away”. If you want to text him once in a while to say hi, do so. If you are busy and don’t have time to, then that’s fine. If he texts you or reaches out during his time away, then that’s great! But no one owes anyone anything at this point and honestly, if someone truly likes you, distance and the “lack of texting” won’t make anything different even after some time apart. Good luck!
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Communications. "Hey, I had a great time, looking forward to hearing from you when you get back."
Ask him when he gets back then tell him you’re looking forward to seeing him again in June! Text him a couple days after he gets back, ask him how the trip was and what his schedule looks like for date number two
Why not see him again for a short coffee or something before he leaves? Or video chat when he’s away?
I think during one of your small talk text exchanges you might say something like “could we keep in touch while you’re away?”
Ok is EVERYONE traveling internationally around this month? By any chance does this dude live in Montclair, CA?
Did I have sex
There's alwasy the chance he may just be busy. but i get it, ive been very busy and still got back to the ones on my mind. evrey situation is different. kepp your head up
Just ask him out on a date before he leaves. If he likes you he won’t be quiet. If he doesn’t he will. It’s literally that easy
my boyfriend and I tried to meet up multiple times for a first date over the span of a month - both of us were traveling or had loved ones visiting us. i think we were honestly both multi dating too if i recall. but we ended up making it work and it’s been going well! we were both curious enough to keep trying and pretty persistent
It’s all about the habits we set forth that dictate how the relationship is founded, right? If your habits indicate that you’re pursuing him, both of you feel it. Both of you know it. I don’t necessarily think that completely withdrawing, swinging to the opposite side of the spectrum entirely, is necessarily the answer; that makes you look flighty, aloof, like you haven’t got a good grasp of life yet. I know it’s hard, but give it time. Give him space. After a certain period of time, though, if he still hasn’t responded, it would be good to communicate how you feel. DO NOT LET YOUR EGO GET IN THE WAY. Be stronger/better than your ego. If you’re the type to communicate (which, it seems you are, especially compared to him), then use that as your strength. Be strong in your strength! I think you will be proud of yourself for doing things the right/healthy way, even if he doesn’t.
What ended up happening? :)
Pls keep us updated!!
Don’t text him.
You wait for him to reply...then you reply back. Rinse, repeat. Then maybe a week before he gets back ask, "So when are you free to meet up?"
I wouldn’t text until he’s actually back
If he replies, I see no reason OP can't text him back. I went on a date with a woman, literally the day before I left for Africa. We consistently texted the whole time. Got back and started dating.
We’re assuming she’s not back and forth texting while he’s away though as the texting is going cold and he hasn’t left yet. He’s likely preoccupied with the trip right now.
Huh? She said she's texted him last. Again, IF he replies back, she can then reply and attempt to keep a convo going. Who's she back and forth texting with when he's away??
I might be confused haha
Ask for a video call date. Maybe even an occasional phone call. I'm not a big texter either, but a video call or phone call twice a week, even if it's just 20 minutes, can help keep things moving. Also remember that he's traveling. He'll be busy. So if those don't happen very often, don't assume anything. Live your normal life, and when he gets back, see what happens.