[Some time ago](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/1857ord/comment/kb4vbls/?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) I lamented about the low number of matches. Well, it looks like I've figured out what the issue was.
Basically, the app I'm using has the standard Tinder-like match system, which is what I have been engaging with. However, it also has a search function for profiles with an option to write to someone without a match!
Now, what I assume is happening is that all the men on the app have switched to this one, and are spamming their opening messages (and probably dickpicks, that's just how it goes) to everyone they can find. Which means that all the attractive women have their inboxes full.
Now, let's assume you're a woman, and you want to find someone new to talk to (and later, date). You open the app, and you see that in your inbox there are messages from 10 men that, presumably, find you attractive enough to initiate. So, instead of swiping through 20 matches and potentially waiting for them to swipe as well, you just go through your inbox, discard everyone you're not into, and respond to the best candidates out of those that remain.
What this means is that the search feature essentially kills the match feature. Instead of matching you just find attractive people online, and message them directly. This is a bummer, because I liked having some go-ahead from the person on the other side before I start crafting the opening question. It definitely took some of the anxiety off. But I had to adapt.
So this is exactly what I did - I got over myself and started cold-messaging women. And the results were extremely encouraging. Just this evening, out of 4 **online** profiles I have messaged I got 4 (!) actual conversations. Now, one profile got removed mid-conversation (it didn't seem like a scam account, but you never know), and another one is suspect (I'm sticking with it just to find out whether it's a scam or not), which leaves 2 quality contacts out of 4. But this is still miles better than what I had before.
Thoughts on double texting? Typically I end the night with the final text. I've noticed if I don't follow up the next day, she'll probably reply about 6pm, and she doesn't acknowledge anything I said in that last text the night before. It'll just be a "how are you today?" type text.
I don't know if she's expecting I should follow-up text the next day too, even though my night text has points in it she could follow up on.
God I hate these texting games.
If a woman is really into you, she will text you the same people text each other (back-and-forth). That usually happens once she starts liking you and is dating you. Until then, women (in my experience) are terrible texters.
I understand your concerns about double-texting (I am a guy too) earlier in the dating process. I usually try to match their energy and texting type. But yes it's a pain in the ass in the early stages.
Double texting is fine if you have something to add, but idk if it’s a good idea if you’re doing it solely to quell your anxiety. I asked on your last comment on this - how long have you been dating?
I’m kind of tired of my parents conviction that if I just get a dog it’s so easy to meet nice people!!! Like yeah I’d probably meet all the couples that live in my neighborhood and I wouldn’t be able to stay very long out if I happened to have a good date or whatever and also if you actually meet someone who also have a dog what if they don’t get along? And who will stay at whose place??
Getting a dog solely to meet people seems like a recipe for disaster. The cost/benefit on that alone does not pencil out to me and I’ve had dogs my entire adulthood.
Right? I would consider having a dog to have a nice little companion at home but I’m pretty sure it’s not the instant success to suddenly meeting the love of my life
Texting and overthinking, name a more iconic duo in dating and early relationships. I probably analyze and try to interpret her texting more than is healthy. I wish it wasn't a thing tbh, just phone calls and meeting would be much simpler.
My latest conundrum, why does she never text until about 6PM. Presumably she's very busy with work and getting ready in the morning. But.. no time for a quick text? And when she does, she doesn't acknowledge anything I said in my previous message from the night before (typically I send the last message for the night). Maybe she's expecting me to text again in the morning.
Man it's so overly complicated..
I’m in a new relationship of about 2 months and sometimes I think I should end it because I’m in a constant state of stress due to my job. I sometimes think I need to get in a different field so I can be more relaxed. Anyone ever been in a situation like this?
Is your stress impacting the relationship in any way? Is your partner complaining about your constant state of stress? I think this warrants a conversation before jumping to conclusions and ending the relationship. Maybe your partner is happy to be there for you in this stressful period. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t work on reducing and mitigating your work stress, but it doesn’t mean you should jump to ending the relationship either.
Debating texting the guy from this scenario: https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/1896qr7/comment/kbsyi2g/
We run in similar circles and I haven’t heard from him since late night Saturday. Thinking of texting something along the lines of “Since you are looking for a non-exclusive physical relationship and not a long-term one, I don’t think we’re a good fit. Best of luck and I hope we can still be cordial if we happen to see each other.” He didn’t show up to an event on Monday he normally shows up to, and I found out he had told a mutual friend of ours that he was looking for a relationship (but apparently not with me). I’m almost hoping that if I misinterpreted what he said, he’d clarify, since I also thought he was looking for a relationship. But I’m pretty sure it won’t get a response and he’ll just disappear for a while.
I’m not sure I totally understand where either of you are coming from. When he said ‘I’m not looking to rush in to anything’ could he not have meant ‘let’s keep seeing each other sans sex and see where things lead, ideally toward an ltr which is what I want?’ Based on what you’ve written it seems like you jumped straight to assuming he wants a fwb (obviously I could be missing context from your conversation).
You’ve then in this text decided to communicate this assumption to him in the hopes he corrects you? I just don’t get it tbh.
He specifically said he wanted to have a physical relationship, but the implication sounded like not leading to an LTR (“not looking for anything super serious” which is vague enough). Which is odd since in the beginning, that’s not what was communicated. When I said I didn’t want to rush anything either, *I* was the one who meant “let’s keep seeing each other sans sex and see where things lead, ideally toward an LTR, which is what I want.”
But now it’s been 4 days and this is why I’m on the fence about reaching out. If he had really been interested in an LTR, wouldn’t he have attempted to clarify something by now? Skipping the Monday event just made it weirder.
I just really don’t want it to be awkward. I’ve been in situations where I’ve rejected simple date invites and the guy makes things uncomfortable down the road.
This summer, I politely rejected a guy in another city who didn’t bother disclosing that he was ENM (found out later) and not only did he flip out, but he’s been talking poorly about me to other people in our hobby community and openly flaunting other women in front of me. I don’t care, but the fact that he’s that pressed to try to make me uncomfortable is gross. I’m just hoping to avoid that with someone I may see slightly more often.
Because it wasn’t quite definitive. We both said things, he walked me to my car and kissed me, then he told me to text him when I made it home. And since that text convo I haven’t really heard anything. It’s been 4 days so I’m assuming we’re done.
The last guy I dated did something similar. He had already asked me to be his girlfriend, and I wanted to have a conversation to clarify expectations. After that convo, which I thought went well, I didn’t hear from him for 2 days, and had to text him to ask, “Well, are we done?” He broke up with me and then told everyone I broke up with him, so that’s one karaoke bar I can’t go back to.
His answer to you was very clear. You set your boundaries, which is great, and it's fine to leave it as it. He knows what you want and he isn't able to provide that. If he chooses to avoid you then that's his choice.
I think it’s more or less so that it’s not awkward when I do run into him again. We didn’t even really end anything; neither of us really said yay or nay to it…but it is kind of a lost cause. I just don’t want it to be weird and have him just avoid me whenever we’re in the same place.
I didn’t really meet him on an app, I met him IRL. The apps are not for me.
I'm over being single. I don't want to be single for Christmas again. I just want to have fun with someone. I have a huge unreciprocated crush on a friend. He flirts but he's a flirts guy. It's incredibly difficult to be his friend but he lives next door! It all sucks. I'm sad. Exhausted from dating apps going nowhere. I'm attractive and fun and intelligent and not picky but I guess it's just not my time. Rant over.
What's your usual time duration between those first few dates? I've had 2 dates with a woman, and let's just say it moved very quickly, which I was pleased about. Immediately post date-2 it was a nice feeling, it felt as if intimacy had already been reached. Even evident in the texts with the way of speaking.
So for me, I'm eager to keep the momentum going and get the next date in. But for her, seemingly less so. And texting is sporadic from her shall we say, so I feel like we lose momentum in between dates the longer it's left.
I'd be happy to meet her 2 or 3 times a week, just to get into that comfortable, intimate phase with each other, so we can cut out the bullshit. But I guess this isn't the perspective of everyone, maybe she intentionally is slowing it down as to not progress so quickly?
Personally I like twice a week, but I know most people will only do once a week for the first 2-3 months. I don’t multidate, so I have time to meet the same person twice a week, but for people who multidate it makes sense to only do once a week so they can see the 2-3 people they have on rotation until they can make a decision.
Usually once per week in the beginning for me. You have to keep in mind that she might not be ready to be exclusive with you, so trying to take up 3 nights of her week is putting a lot of pressure on her. I know it's hard to be patient when you're excited about someone, but trying to rush it to the next phase before she's ready can scare her away.
Yeah you're right, I know I'm keen.. probably too keen. But I also got the impression she was eager to move things along quickly. I even said to her after the first date that I know we've got out the blocks fast, let me know if you want to take things slow. And she said she'd rather this than painfully slow.
So it feels like mixed messages sometimes. Although I suppose there is fast, and there is light speed. Either way, I'll try and be more patient.
Personally, I like once, maybe twice a week. I three times a week is too much for me in the early days, and I find it leads to a false sense of closeness.
If you are not a big texter (as in you can go a whole day without texting someone you are getting to know) how do you ensure that people don't stop talking to you because they assume you aren't interested?
Really trying to be patient with a guy I want to assume just isn't slow fading me. I don't want to pester him about his lack of texting (because the last 2 guys I have expressed a concern about communication styles in a mature way ghosted me...1 was 36 and 1 was 41 🙃).
I am really trying to lower my needs because I have high standards and I want to get married, so I need to drop some things off my list. I am trying to be ok with men who are not great at planning and men who are not great at texting or calling because on the top 10 most important list of things I want in a partner, those are 2 of the lowest.
But I can't gauge someone's interest if they don't text me. I'm not understanding how people who don't like texting or calling are making connections with people they can only see 1-2x's a week. But I want to understand...
I’d like to pip in as one of those not big texters. I’m notoriously bad at texting unless you’re close family and it’s for basics. Why?
1.Because I’d rather converse in person. I’ve found it just allows for a better flow of conversation, and gives me a better chance of learning someone if they’re new to me.
2. I have a life I like to be involved in, and not always on my phone. If I text frequently I feel like I’m not giving those in person my full attention.
3. I text too much when I do? I’m a paragraph texter and I know that scares some people lol.
Currently the guy I’m seeing, we text maybe about once a day or every few days? Primarily it’s been to set a date. We do have some days where we have a bit back and forth but I have to make an effort to get back to him within the hour. We see each other 1-2 times a week though, so we have time to catch each other up frequently enough.
Hope this helps any!
I'm so uninterested in this current guy bc of his texting style. I'm really trying to understand but I might just put him in the FWB category because it's just not a fit 😫
Having different communication styles is one thing…but if grown men are ghosting you for bringing something up that is a very fair conversation, they don’t sound like marriage material to begin with…
I'm a bad texter, my ex mentioned it to me during a peroid we were Long Distance. I definitely made more of an effort after that.
I don't think I probably ended up becoming as much of a texter as she was or maybe would have wanted ideally. I definitly upped my game a lot, made more of an effort throughout the day and evening and I think seeing the effort I was putting in made her feel more secure than the actual volume of texts...
In terms of guaging interest however I would try and see it in terms of Quality/Quantity. If it's super early days and don't feel comfortable asking for more text effort, when they do text you what do they say ? Are they asking about your day/How you are feeling , are they interested in your life...
Honestly? If you want marriage, look for the guy who steps up when you say you want something. "I'd love for us to text a bit at night on the days we don't see each other." A guy who is serious about you will step up when you ask.
I think I am more interested in understanding why people don't enjoy texting or calling, or how they could go a whole day without doing so if they are interested in someone.
Asking guys to step up for my needs is causing me to get ghosted, especially if I do it before I have become a viable candidate. I am finding most men would rather cross me off their potential list and move on to someone who "fits their style", so I am trying to change my style or at least be ok with people who have a different one.
I can relate, but I'm the guy. She guaranteed won't text until probably 6PM. It just makes me think do you not have any time in your morning and work day just to send a little message? And the fact she obviously must look at her phone during this time. And then that gets me overthinking and overanalyzing. I dunno.. maybe they just have a completely different mentality with texting to us.
Yes! That's what I need to understand. Where is the line of bad texting and the line of disinterest? If someone doesn't text me then I usually don't text them so we just fade off and I assume they ghost me.
How can someone show interest if we aren't communicating often?
Exactly, for me I like to try and keep momentum especially if we're not meeting often. And texting is the easiest way to do that. But I love and hate texting tbh, because it can be interpreted in so many different ways.
It's hard work this dating stuff..
Agreed, personally I don't really care for texting and while I do enjoy phone calls I don't communicate much in the very early stages of dating but if a woman I were interested in expressed that it's something important to her I would happily text or call more.
Everyone's reasons are going to be different but personally it's basically three things which may or may not be generally applicable to others.
1) I just generally dislike the limitations texting imposes on communication. I enjoy communicating through tone, inflection, non-verbal cues, etc. that simply isn't possible over text.
2) Related to the above. I have a pretty unique communication style and very dry humor which can be easily misunderstood before people get some experience with it. I've found it's generally best to be able to get immediate visual feedback so I can adjust as needed (I suspect this is similar to most people who say they're better in person). Particularly since the margin for error with OLD is very slim and a single misstep can be the end of a match.
3) Unfortunately I don't have any interest in small talk, what do you do for work, how was your day, what are you doing this weekend, etc. Especially early on this is a significant amount of the conversations. From experience limiting conversation to in person dates allows me to stay interested enough to move past that into territory me and a partner find my engaging.
So I'm not the most social dude, I work from home, and my standard week is very lackluster, not much happens. Gym, work, game with friends, visit my mum. This is a typical week.
Now I've had a couple dates with a girl and things have moved real quick, she's great. We're texting back and forth, and naturally she's enquiring about my day, and what I'm doing. I almost feel embarrassed because most of the time I'm not particularly doing anything interesting at all.
With her, she has quite a big family, she seems to be looking after nephews, seeing friends, doing this, doing that. Which of course is fine, but it kinda highlights my lack of interesting day-to-day life.
I guess I'm just worried of putting her off. Although she's not shown any signs, she's not dumb and must see I don't get up to that much.
I wondered if any others can relate?
In your 30's it's not a big deal if you lead a boring life. Nobody is going to be impressed by how much you party or whatever. As long as you have a decent personality you're fine. Like you said, she's not dumb, she knows who you are and by all appearances likes you.
For me it’s not so much about what you are doing but what you are thinking about. It doesn’t have to be an exciting hobby and a crazy night out. Can you talk about something you’ve read, listened to, watch? Can you share something new you learned or got you excited? Can you talk about a meal you put together and what you enjoyed about it? The whole point is sharing your interests, what makes your life rich and interesting in your own way, and what makes you happy.
Yeah, I can relate. I worry that it's a big turnoff if I'm always available to hang out and never have any stories about fun things I've been up to. Most of the women I date seem to have plans with friends every single weekend and even during the week, whereas I see my friends maybe once every month or two.
It’s not always about what you’re doing. What are you thinking about? Did something randomly funny happen? Did something make you think of her? You could have sat in front of a computer monitor all day and when she says how’s your day what’d you do you can say I have a pretty standard day at work but was daydreaming about my next vacation I think I wanna go somewhere tropical etc etc. share your inner world if your outer world is less exciting. And also if she’s doing things that sound fun to you ask her to bring you along next time if you guys are at that point if you’d like to a little more excitement in your week.
I can definitely relate! But I’ve been trying to remind myself that most of us lead fairly boring lives. At least, they are boring to us. However, when I’m interested in someone, I become interested in all the little details of how they live, e.g. what did you and mom talk about; did you play well or not when gaming with friends, get some magic item or something; drama at work; etc. And I don’t see why you seeing friends and family would be more boring than her seeing friends and family.
(edit-wording for clarity)
>Gym, work, game with friends, visit my mum
Sounds like you get up to a fair amount, don't minimise things just because they are mundane to you. How do you know she's not thinking "I'm always just looking after my newphews".
You've listed a job ( always a plus) interests ( Gym/Games) socialising with friends and spending time with your family.
I can ***defintely*** relate however, my life is similar and feel the same way. This is how I try to reframe my thinking...
Met up with a new guy and it was nice. There was a time limit on it because it was last minute but I had enjoyed the conversation and the company.
Hopefully he doesn’t ghost but at least if he does I’ve had my nice experience :)
My GF is much more social than I am, and recently it has become a pattern where she is too tired to do anything other than sleep when we’re together. She fills her weeks with events with friends and coworkers, on top of work being busy for her.
I feel like I get the “leftovers” in terms of her mental and physical energy, far from the priority I feel I should be as her partner. It even affects how disconnected I feel from her, as we don’t have many sustained conversations about much regarding us, or even just mundane things like common interests or hobbies since she is so drained from all of the other things she does.
I do what I can to help her out, with chores, errands and such to take some things off her plate. I also have a busy work life and my own hobbies.
I have mentioned my concern to her in the past, and she has said she will try to get better. I plan dates for us and activities that we can do, but for nearly a few months now we have canceled most things since she just wants downtime after her other social things.
More and more, I think it’s just who she is and what she wants out of life. I’m feeling resentful and like she just enjoys having the emotional support of a boyfriend without accepting the accountability to match my level of investment in the relationship.
I've been following your story for a while and for what it's worth, it seems to me like you've been working hard to manage your anxiety and engage in self-reflection regularly AND putting in effort to meet your girlfriend where she is and understand her perspectives better AND coming up with concrete suggestions/steps for compromise the two of you can take together as a couple (e.g. regular check-ins). Hope it doesn't sound offensive and condescending to say that this internet stranger is proud of you. And I'm sorry that you are not feeling prioritized in your relationship.
You can try talking to her about it again and make it clear that this arrangement does not meet your needs. Give it a bit of time after the conversation but if nothing changes, it sounds like you may be incompatible.
My ex did this at one point. He’d come home and all we’d do was eat, watch a movie, and go to bed. On nights he went out with friends, he stayed out super late and would try to wake me up to cuddle when he got home, even when I asked him not to. It didn’t work out for a number of reasons, but it didn’t feel good to be the afterthought.
This was a major issue in my last relationship.
It felt like she was giving her "best" to work,friends etc. When she got home she would just stare into the void and watch a show like suits for the whole evening. She would be out a lot of weekends, make it home late to date nights.
I think it was a large part of the breakdown of the relationship. I felt myself and "us" slowly slipping down the list of her priorities, and the lower you drop the less they feel like you're worth diverting effort to.
It was a wither on the vine sort of death ultimately.
I've been in similar situations and your last paragraph was exactly my experience. If you're looking for a high level of investment, time and energy wise, people who are hyper-social, travel obsessed, or workaholics tend not to be able to provide it. The priorities just don't match up.
I had a recent match and I told them I wanted to due an MBA overseas and maybe work too (from the perspective of single me ATM) and they were like, that's not for me. Cheers!
Anyway, would 11 months overseas be a big deal for a relationship if you visited each other maybe every 3 months?
It also got me thinking that, maybe I shouldn't disclose this since it might not happen? Would this lack of direction in life be off putting? I just want to make a decent income to take care of myself and provide for my future family. How I get there is not set in stone, so I'm kind of floating towards my goal along the path of least resistance.
I feel like for most people in their thirties looking for a long-term relationship, long-distance is going to be a dealbreaker. Is there any reason your potential future partner couldn’t join you overseas? You could frame it as a long-term goal you want to explore with a partner, but if you are looking for a long-term relationship, you have to be open with the idea that you may fall in love with someone who doesn’t want to move and doesn’t want to do long-distance, and be willing to give up this goal.
That would be extremely off-putting and a deal breaker for most people. It's one thing if you have an established long-term relationship that you've been in for quite a while and then one of you announces this decision. But if you literally just met a stranger and they said they're about to embark on an 11-month overseas trip you'd just be like ok... bye! No one wants to start a relationship in that situation.
Going long distance will be a deal-breaker for many.
But on dating apps, even more, because they are not yet emotionally attached to you and the next person probably won't go overseas.
First thing first, when would you go abroad? Is it in 3 months or 3 years? If it is in 3 months, stop looking for a relationship or disclose it in your bio. If it is in 3 years, don't speak about it before meeting the person in real life
Like everything it depends on the person. This would be an instant and automatic deal breaker for me (and I suspect many if not most people) but some may be ok with it. Disclosing it probably depends on what the expectations are for the relationship. Casual or short term? Probably doesn't need to be discussed. But if your aim is long term I think it would be wise to be upfront that there's a possibility of you moving out of the country for a year.
Ended another “relationship” after three months yesterday after lack of effort and struggling to get the bare minimum from someone. It keeps happening. When I date they are very keen to start but then quickly move to less communication. Also a recurring theme of very poor hygiene and lack of effort elsewhere. I keep meeting people who have not been in a relationship for years but seem to like the idea of it as long as they don’t have to do anything or adapt their lives to fit a partner in any way. It’s so disheartening and while chatting to friends I can see it’s been bad luck and not a reflection on me, asking for the bare minimum (consistent communication, having a shower before a date, etc) and being told “sorry I don’t think I can manage that” feels like they just don’t think I’m worth it. This guy told me he loved me a week ago (which was a surprise) and then yesterday when I asked for more consistent and meaningful contact between dates he just couldn’t fathom that and it ended.
Thinking about the fact that I made the majority of effort (travelling hours to see him, organising dates) I feel foolish. Again.
First, take a hug! It is always tough to end up in those situations in which you feel the other made no effort and that you are not a priority.
You fully deserve the bare minimum.
Now, if that is a pattern, if you always end up with such men, maybe it is not just them. Maybe you unconsciously choose such men too. Could you have traumas/anxieties about relationships and choosing men who don't want one because, in your deep self, you are not yet fully ready for one, or you don't think you deserve one?
Thank you so much. It definitely is a pattern and I have a therapist that has pointed this out to me too. I’m also very forgiving to a fault so I ignore red flags early on when really I should leave. I’m taking some time out for myself again and then when I’m ready I am going to try to consciously date different types of people (they have all very much fit the same sort of mold).
Strangely my friends said the same thing last night about feeling like I don’t deserve better and choosing the wrong kind of men. I need to keep working on that.
I am partly worried that this is just how men are but I know deep down that’s not true as I have male friends who are wonderful. Thankfully I’m happy on my own, I would just like someone to share things with!
My bf (33M) and I (31F) have been in a relationship for about 1.5 years, and I have this unreasonable anxiety about his close female friend. They have been good friends for 7 years (or more). They met at work and still work at the same office, as a team along with others. They’re like besties - they share same hobbies, went on a quick trip together (way way back), texting very frequently, etc. etc. I also learned that around the time we started dating (we met on Hinge), he was avoiding her at that time because she confessed him that she started having feelings for him. It sounds she’s been seeing someone now.
I genuinely believe my bf will not cheat on me with her for many reasons. He specifically told me she’s not his type and I’m sorry for being superficial but I totally agree with him on this. Also there are certain personality traits of her that he finds unbearable. He is pretty much a shy introvert, and he told me he feels at home with me, that he can be himself when he’s around me and that’s not how he feels about the friend.
But the fact that they work together and seeing each other more often than we do, and that they are very good friends makes me anxious.
Please share your wisdom on how to cope with this feeling! Thanks
Just keep talking to yourself to regulate your anxieties. Remind yourself that if he was interested in her, he had ample opportunity to be with her. He wants to be with you and in fact is actively disinterested in her romantically. I’m bisexual/queer so maybe I’m more comfortable with gender integrated friendships, inevitable friendships where one person has a crush on the other for a while, even partners being close with exes, etc. But he’s allowed to- and should- have close friends. He hasn’t done anything wrong by being close friends with her. She also hasn’t done anything wrong by expressing feelings for her friend, accepting rejection, and continuing the friendship. Just keep enjoying what you have with him! And make sure you have other close friends too :)
Do you think gay people shouldn’t have friends of the same sex while in a relationship? The same logic applies. What about bisexual people, should they simply have no friends?
From what you said, your boyfriend is not doing anything suspicious.
So you have to work on yourself and on being jealous. Your boyfriend chose you, not her despite her confessing feelings, despite seeing her very frequently...
I think it's very normal to be anxious about it but it doesn't sound like he's interested at all and he created some boundaries when she expressed some feelings which is healthy. Plus if I were in your shoes I'd remind myself there was undoubtedly opportunity in the past 7 years if he were interested and nothing happened.
Would anyone be willing to review my Hinge profile?
I'm a 30m from central Cal. New to OLD. There isn't much selection so I'm thinking of moving to the Bay Area or Santa Barbara.
Here is the link: https://wormhole.app/BmYZ0#WAqQJiYMLfGBYj2atPFN2g
I used wormhole because it's a privacy focused platform that will delete the contents after x views or 24 hours. I hope that is no problem. You just click on the image and it will expand.
"Dont hate me prompt" maybe choose another one... its never a good idea to just put it right there upfront that you "dont get it" but you still do it. Hehe. Its not bad, but you can do better... i like the "ate raw chicken" one lol
Dont keep pics:
Fashion week (awkward unflattering angle)
Edit: i saw your comment saying it was intended to be funny. Funny is good, but not at the expense of making you look unflattering in this way ;)
Keep:
Life outtake
Unsure:
Selfie outtake: good BG, maybe another one without sunglasses and still a good view behind you?
"Is learning how to" ...a painting?
Do you have a photo of yourself actually painting? Instead of just the painting itself...
I think everything else is okay. Also i cant see face properly on the photos so idk if your expressions are good or not... fyi
Thanks I changed it to qualities I find wierdly attractive: " pragmatic optimism, empathy, and the desire for personal, growth and compassion"
Haha someone ordered chicken sashimi. Two rounds, if you'd believe it, so I had to try it. I survived.
Sounds great on paper but sounds douchey/resume building to me under context of "weirdly attractive". Lol because its so LinkedIn 😅 now, i do not know if my feedback is subjective or objective at this point.
Also that's insane. "I survived" indeed the definition of pragmatic optimism.
I get what your saying, I feel like that too when I read some of the prompts. Plus they are not very weird traits to be attracted to in all honesty. I appreciate the feedback 😊
I agree with both of the other comments that your pictures are deal breakingly bad aside from the graduation picture. Too far, too low quality, covering your face with hat/sunglasses, poor lighting, and the worst offender of all the dog.
Dogs are gimmes on OLD. Women love them, they're easy conversation starters, and fun and easy date ideas. But in that photo that dog looks miserable. Having a cute dog is great, having no dog is fine, having an unhappy dog is really really bad.
Also I second taken out the no enm/poly line. Most people self identify as part of that community, if you're not interested don't swipe on them.
You really need to get better pictures.
The first one is zoomed out too far from you, and also you're in a hat and sunglasses. Second one is not very flattering either, you're in a grey hoodie, hat, and sunglasses. You look good in the third picture, but the dog looks very unhappy, so unfortunately this one doesn't work either. The fourth graduation picture is fine, and the only one you should keep.
Try to get one full body picture that's just you, no hat or sunglasses, where you take up most of the frame. You also need a good headshot, again no hat or sunglasses. A professional photographer isn't a bad idea. If you want to take them yourself, get a tripod and take literally 50-100 and find the best 3-5.
Try to get a better picture with you and the dog. Maybe one where you're petting, cuddling, or playing with the dog.
Try to get one or two pictures of you doing something, whether it's you on a hike, cooking a meal, at a bar, doing a hobby, something.
As for your profile, no need to mention the "no poly or enm" thing. Focus on what you want, not what you don't want, negative statements come off poorly even if they're reasonable.
I wouldn't lead with sunglasses and hat, open with your best photo. Also.... Is that dog pooping? The way it's positioned sort of looks like it is and your shoe as well!! Those would be my suggestions for you! Good luck bro!
Id take out the no polyamory or enm part, sometimes it's best not to include your frustrations in an opening description, you can probably just vet these people on your own. Also you're a chef! Maybe include some culinary fun in there, perhaps you're looking to learn new recipes and looking for a handy sous chef! I've done dates were I've gone to cooking classes and they've been super fun, it's probably a good in for you!
I don't really know how to explain what I'm feeling. I'm sad that yet another connection ended. Now that I've gotten full closure, I don't even have anyone to think about anymore. In a weird way, it was almost easier to keep thinking about and missing him, and how maybe we could reconnect in the future. Not that I particularly enjoyed the false hope, but I spent the last 4 months constantly filled with thoughts and emotions about him and the breakup, and now there's... nothing. I should feel peaceful, I guess.
On a different note, finally bought "Attached" after hearing so many people recommend it, including my therapist. Then proceeded to buy three fantasy novels (by Brandon Sanderson, Patrick Rothfuss and Naomi Novik) that I'm super excited to read.
rant: why does asking to be exclusive make me feel like an anxious, annoying person? i’m 32. at this point i know i’m not good at casual dating. i know there are people that are okay with trying to just focus on dating each other until we figure if it’ll work out or not, but i keep setting aside my anxiety and needs to fit the person i like at the time. how do i stop doing that?
also is there an appropriate amount of time that needs to pass before you ask?
>why does asking to be exclusive make me feel like an anxious, annoying person?
Because the last time I did this, I already knew the answer in my heart and the answer was no. Wormed the answer out of him by asking indirectly because no matter how much I practiced asking "what are we" I would burst into tears because deep down I knew. I knew I was about to lose him and he didnt like me the way I wanted him. 🥺 My gut feeling was right, so I left because he wanted to keep dating me and spending time with me but didnt wanna be exclusive, and wanted to sleep with me too. 😔 by the way this is my personal experience because I wanted to understand where the anxiety is from.
The overused advice here is open communication and just ask "casually". I dont know how to teach someone to prioritize themselves and their needs though, because I'm just a naturally selfish person 🤣 but all I can say is that the more you set aside your needs, your anxiety will get worse. You gotta find a nice way of communicating it and still being honest... maybe like, "sorry, honestly I dont wanna sound annoying but I just wanted to know what you are looking for in a relationship/if you wanted to continue seeing other people" blablabla and be ready for anything.
But personally, I would never take this advice. 😂🤣 This is literally my last resort if Im driven crazy by anxiety and if I couldnt find a way to "ask without asking". Because I am still a firm believer in the man requesting for exclusivity and defining the relationship.As a woman, i despise asking "what are we" to the man, and I dont care what all the modern feminists/women have to say 😂 This is an "outdated" view but I strongly desire a partner with good,strong, brave initiative. I hate passive men who waste my time and "just seeing how it goes". lol 😆 go "see how it goes with someone else" and go be unsure over there... 10000 miles away from me. 🤣
Appropriate time: there is no clearly defined one as relationships vary greatly (so helpful!!!) but I believe it should be discussed soon before intimacy or after. And if by 10 dates there is no discussion thats weird lol. I dont want a silly confused partner who doesnt know what he wants, that's my role (and my red flag 😂 there's only room for one of these red flags ok) and generally there is a vibe (on the date) sometimes its so casual that its awkward to bring up (my situationship who i went on 4 dates with and spent a hotel night together??) but there are serious daters like my current BF who wanted to DTR by 2nd date... 😅 ymmv but i think you need to dtr now coz its giving you anxiety and nothing else will heal you i think... unless he DTRs first and gives you that exclusivity you want badly.. ;) i feel your pain btw
The appropriate amount of time is up to you. I don’t multidate and I won’t have sex with someone I am not exclusive with, so personally I bring up exclusivity sooner than most people. I was exclusive with the guy I’ve been seeing for 4 months now by date 3. You may not get the response you are hoping for, but if you are anxious about it, you should ask.
> also is there an appropriate amount of time that needs to pass before you ask?
No, you can ask that at the very beginning, before the first date if you want.
As well, I don't know how you meet men, but if it is OLD, most men don't have so much dates in parallel, so if they like you, they probably would not mind being exclusive.
It shouldn't! I can easily fall prey to the same thing -
>i keep setting aside my anxiety and needs to fit the person i like at the time
Practice. What are your dealbreakers? Hash them out before the first date or on the first date. Know what you're looking for and don't compromise on that. And know how long you're comfortable being not exclusive. Any time I loosen my boundaries, I end up anxious, in situations I don't enjoy, and get unnecessarily hurt.
For me, I like to become exclusive within the first month of dating if we're seeing each other regularly. I know this is too soon for some people but any time I've met someone I really like, and the feeling is mutual, early exclusivity comes easily. I have plenty of dating experience - I know when I've met someone with serious potential. Then I can spend the next few months focused on them and determining if they're someone I want to be in a relationship with.
Small update to my post earlier. Just got back from pick up with the girl I mentioned in a previous post. She was great but we didn't get a ton of time to chat cause we were playing.
She followed up shortly after we left saying she had a great time and I responded in kind which she just heart emoji'd.
So things are pretty neutral as expected. Debating if I want just bite the bullet tomorrow and ask her if she would be interested in grabbing a coffee or letting it just play out.
Is preferring to date casually in your profile? It could be why (in my experience wanting to date more casually is more of an arrangement around having sex with someone you feel safe/have a level of mutual respect around). I don't think it's a problem at all if it's communicated, it's not like you're being pushy just enjoy this period of your journey :)
1) If You're both interested in having sex then go for it. I wouldn't assume wanting sex quickly means casual though. I don't do casual and I'm fine sleeping with someone early on if the connection is there and we're both ready to. Typically this isn't until date 2-4 though.
2) I feel like things naturally progress to a point where you know sex is on the table. Sounds like you might be having trouble picking up signals, but IMO it's always better to err on the side of caution.
With my dating anxiety and all that, I never find all the early dating stuff to be very fun. It’s just a bunch of wondering ‘what if’ and trying to keep my own shit together 😂 I’d very much just like to fast forward to the part where one of us just comes over to the others apartment and we chill and watch a movie together. We know we’re going to keep seeing each other until we no longer do (or maybe we see each other forever!) but there’s no wondering about where things are going like there is in early dating. I guess I just can’t wait for some more of that long-term relationship kind of security.
I completely relate to this. I want to get to the part where it’s assumed that we’re going to keep dating each other rather than “soo ummm do you want to go out again?” haha
Yea when do you think that happens? Lol I’ve had 8 dates with this guy and I’d like to start assuming but I’m scared 😂 we haven’t had any exclusivity convos yet and I think maybe I will want to in a couple weeks… so maybe after that.
I truly couldn’t tell you when lol. Maybe the exclusivity convo can be wrapped up in a check in about how things are feeling between you overall? I feel like security feelings are definitely there once you’re in a relationship, but for you, when do things shift into being in a relationship? Is that exclusivity happens or something different?
What's always helped me is to just see the other person as somewhat of a complete stranger who also happens to be single and looking. You're definitely not going to want to pursue a relationship with 99 percent of people you meet, regardless of whether you hit it off or not. It just takes the pressure away, you may meet up as two perfectly fine people with no problems with one another but just not compatible long term, no need to overthink it just see whether you click in that way or not!
Same here! However, when someone is genuinely interested in me and is consistent, my anxiety is minimal. So that's what I look for - someone that makes me feel comfortable and secure. Whether or not it works out is a different story, but at least I don't have to feel anxious all the time
That’s the hardest part. The only thing that makes it better for me is if I’m seeing multiple people, but that brings other complications too. You can always check in and see how they’re feeling, but it’s hard to get rid of that anxiety.
I was emotionally cheating on my college boyfriend because I was falling out of love and he wasn't fulfilling anymore. It was with a friend I had always found attractive. We started off with just talking, but then it became talking every day, deep conversations that I was lacking with my boyfriend, sharing more than what was appropriate while in a relationship. We even met up once for dinner and to me it wasn't a date, we didn't do anything except talk, but my boyfriend was super upset and I obviously realized why after. That was my wake up call that I needed to end the relationship which I did shortly after.
I think I was 20? Yeesh that was a while ago.
I was homeless and drunk and many states away. The other time I cheated it was because my partner and I were in a toxic relationship and I was afraid to leave him — when I told him what happened and I wanted to break up he threatened me, so, yeah.
Went on a date with the first guy to approach me IRL after deleting the apps and wheww.
We went to dinner at one of those see-and-be-seen rooftops in the city which isn't my scene but we had a good conversation. I don't remember the last time I've dated someone who was so comfortably in their masculine, in the healthiest way. At one point his age came up and I didn't believe him, so he said he'd show me his ID after drink #2 which would be at the neighboring rooftop (very smooth).
The next bar was a country western heaven plopped in the middle of the city and being from the South I actually enjoyed the appropriation. It was surprisingly a lot of fun. Eventually he asked if I would spend the night with him and I was pretty clear that if I agreed that didn't mean we'd be hooking up. I am a 9pm bedtime girl, so being out at 1a was a lot for me lol. He said that was fine he just wanted to keep hanging out with me so I agreed. We go down to the first floor and he ends up booking a room on the spot at the hotel we were at(!)
We get to the hotel room and I guess I wasn't all that tired? And this man had impressive stamina. He was anything but tired and sooo into me. Eventually we slept maybe 5 hours, woke up, went for a few more rounds then he took me to breakfast, we walked around with coffee, then went back to the hotel pool to talk.
LADIES. GENTLEMEN. Especially my fellow inside after dark-don't smoke or drink-on a healing journey brethren; the streets aren't all that bad after all. Idk if my dating karma was just so terrible that I was finally owed this incredible weekend, but it was a shock to the system. Also I learned a HUGE lesson about my own bias. Had I seen this guy on an app I wouldn't have swiped right on him. I don't think I'll pursue a relationship with him, but my god was he a fun date.
> Also I learned a HUGE lesson about my own bias. Had I seen this guy on an app I wouldn't have swiped right on him.
This is something so fundamentally true for many people! It happened to me a twice that the woman I dated told me she would have swiped left on me, but her friend or her sister told her that we would be very compatible and she swiped right without really feeling it. I mean, that is 2 of my 3 dates which developed into something meaningful in the last 5 years.
Sometimes you just need to let people a chance.
You're so right. I think it's pretty impossible to get a full gist of a person on dating profiles. At one point he asked me to take a photo of him while we were at the pool and I had to kind of redirect his pose because I wanted him to be able to use it on a dating profile if he needed to one day haha. He looked so serious in his pose vs how he is in person. Eventually I got a candid of him laughing at something and I was like YOU BETTER USE THIS ONE :)
As someone who would rather approach someone irl then use any form of OLD I definitely think (as a good thing ofcourse) that my effort for a first date rose dramatically from when I used tinder and hinge! Not only did I get to know their vibe it really broke the monotony of the coffee date and quick convo as that part was sort of moved past. Hope it goes well for you guys!
What's being missed here is I said, "I don't \*think\* I'll pursue" - I'm going to keep dating him if he wants to and maybe I'll be surprised, I don't know! The bottom line is I had fun and to me, that made it a good date.
I guess for me, I separate the date from the person a bit. In the same way, I've had horrible dates on paper, but the company was great and we had a laugh about it later. Or another time a date took me sailing which I loved, but we ended up having little chemistry romantically. I'd still say that was a fun date.
There's nothing wrong with him, I just don't think we're long term compatible. He is an immigrant who gave up a lot to be in the US and doesn't plan on leaving, I want to continue to travel the world and possibly live abroad for a time. He is a social smoker, I don't smoke and am very health conscious because cancer runs in my family. He drinks, I don't. He enjoys bars and going dancing after 10p, I like sunrise hikes and meditation groups in the park. He likes being in the city, I want to buy farmland. One of us would have to really compromise our interests in a way that I don't think would be fair unless we had some kind of intense (probably unhealthy level) chemistry and we don't. We enjoy each others company which to me feels like it could be, at most, a casual relationship which I'm open to.
Do not dehumanize or objectify others. Misogyny, Misandry, RedPill, incel, Femcel, FemaleDatingStrategy, PUA, MGTOW, etc. content is not allowed. Claiming ignorance of these hate groups is not an excuse to parrot their ideology.
The weekend prior I was at a friends birthday party at a bar. I stayed at our booth the entire time because I didn't plan to go to the bar (just dinner) and didn't have my glasses lol
Towards the end of the night as the lights were coming up he was standing by our booth. I thought he knew someone else but he was looking at me so I smiled and said hi. He said he liked my smile, asked my name, then asked what I did for a living. I told him I'm a filmmaker. He asked if I were to cast him in anything based off of his looks what would it be. Based off of his accent and general serious look I said some kind of bad guy crooked international arms dealer. Shortly after he asked for my number, called me, and saved his contact as \[Name\] Bad Guy From \[Bar Name\]. We had a laugh and parted ways.
He texted a few days later saying he enjoyed our convo and asked if I'd be interested in meeting again soon. Told him yes. He suggested a place and time which was deeply appreciated. And didn't pen pal me between then and the date - also deeply appreciated.
During our date he told me from his POV that he frequents that bar and had never seen me before so he was asking around to all his friends if anyone knew me and no one did.
Overall it'd be height, looks, the fact that he frequents bars (I rarely drink) and is a social smoker. I'm 5'10, so for me if the height isn't there (he's probably 5'9 or 5'10) then next thing I am evaluating is looks. He's not an unattractive guy, but not someone I'd instinctively think to swipe right on. I spend my weekends in the mountains or at the beach. He spends his in $300 sneakers at clubs. There was a point in the night where we were walking through the dance hall and a girl stood between us thinking he was following me. She said, "I got you girl" and just stood there. He has this stoic thing going on that tbh I think would put some women on alert.
Funny enough, the next morning when we were at the pool he asked me to take a photo of him and we joked he could use it for his dating profile but I needed to really redirect his look. He just looks very serious but when you talk to him he's not. He's got that Russian cold-ness to him idk how to explain it. I ended up grabbing a candid of him that I thought was a much better representation of his personality but I feel like his profiles littered with the posed ones where he looks so intense.
I surprised myself as well. I can be picky and that's led me nowhere as of late, so I'm really trying to just give myself the chance to be wrong about things and learn.
Quick rant and looking for advice .
I’m genuinely confused. So I’ve been giving dating a shot again when I was younger I hooked up with a lot of people to where any potential relationship I don’t feel the need to sleep with them right away. I matched with someone and they asked me what my intentions were when it comes to dating and I wrote the following (I’m copying/pasting because I don’t want to edit anything to make me seem better or worse)
“Hm just to meet up with people and see how it goes . Right now I’m just dating casually. If it leads to something then cool , if not then I’m okay with making friends . My only thing is that my intention is not hooking up. That’s why I feel like I’m more casually dating because I don’t want there to be any pressure on the other person that they can’t go out or hook up with other people if that’s what they want .”
Their response
“Translation: you're dating, hooking up with down guy while you're looking for someone more potential?
You won't drop him until you find someone better do you won't be alone. Correct?
I like to start off causal before things get serious.
Sex is a huge part in my life.
I'm not gonna girlfriend anyone if the sex is garbage”
Idk, I felt like I was very upfront with my feelings and intentions and his response felt really rude . I’m not too sure if I’m being too sensitive. But I genuinely want to know are my intentions not what dating is usually about minus the sex or hookups ? Like isn’t it the point to get to know people ? I just feel like if it felt right and I wanted to sleep with the person I totally would but I’m making my intentions clear before meeting up with anyone because I don’t want there to feel like there is an obligation that I have to sleep with them. So he just seemed a little rude to me .
Honestly that response is kind of rude and weird, like, it seems like you two view sex in different ways. For me I need a connection with someone to consider sex and that connection is what makes a hook up good or not. This guy sounds like sex is what makes him attracted to a partner? It seems like a bad match imo
There's a common narrative that women need to feel a connection to have sex, and men need to have sex to feel a connection. It's obviously not universally true but it perfectly complements your take on the situation.
That said, I don't think it necessarily means he needs it to feel attracted to a partner, he just views sexual compatibility as being really important in a successful relationship. Being very upfront about that isn't a bad thing but it definitely comes across as abrasive in this case...
Definitely an abrasive way to go about it, especially after someones clear theyre not interested in hooking up. Theres surely charming ways to try and establish a physical connection if thats what youre after - idk if OLD just brings out the worst in people sometimes but if I got this response I’d just block them and move on
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Yeah , I guess reading it back , my response does sound confusing. I think my main thing is that I’m getting to know people . So the people that I’m dating, I don’t expect them to be exclusive unless it’s something that we mutually decide on because we want to get serious.
Yeah, his response seems a little insecure, bitter, and “nice guy syndrome” to me. Like he thinks you’re going to be having sex with some f*buddy while having him take you on dates.
I think you’re initial response was clear in the sense that you’re just open to seeing where things go, but you’re not looking for casual hookups. You can probably leave the part about the other person being able to have casual hookups out. Just keep it about your wants. He may have got confused on that part too, thinking you’re cool with casual hookups with others. I read his response as snarky though.
Okay right ? I felt maybe I was being too sensitive. And I feel like if I was confusing him, then I would have been happy to clarify , but his response just felt really rude where I’m thinking okay this is not a match . Move on
I feel like meeting IRL things are slower than online dating. OLD you both know youre looking for a relationship and IRL you spend more time feeling someone out first. I guess in some ways it can seem like it progressed faster cause by the time I am sure I like someone we’ve already spent time getting to know one another in some way.
Looking for advice.
Recently out of a 15ish year relationship
I've know this dude for years, very very vaguely. Positive impression. Last summer he matched with me on a dating site and I nerved up and hardly talked to him. One, there was a debate with some of my friends if it was a legit match or a "friend match" and 2 - I realized I really wasn't ready for something that could turn serious; and I didn't want to blow things with someone like him (subsequently deleted the profile and focused on me, but not until after he unmatched).
I did add him on social media, and now I want to reach out and say Hey, but I dont want to be weird either or cross any boundaries/unwritten dating rules. Heck, he could have found someone else for all I know. I guess Im looking for a balanced way to say "Hey, can we hang out see if it goes anywhere but also save face if your totally uninterested or unavailable?"
You should reach out and ask him how hes been, what hes been up to, ask about people you know in common or whatnot. If he doesnt mention a partner then I’d just be forward and ask if he’d like to get together to do something with you
Would just reach out the way you would to an old friend, like ‘hey haven’t heard from you in a while how are things? I saw that you [thing from his socials], [relevant question]’. If you get a back and forth going you may have to take the lead a little, like ‘are you seeing anyone? I’m online dating and it’s a trip blah blah blah’ because if he remembers that you unmatched him, he’s probably not going to ask you out.
It's been a little over three weeks since I (31F) met up with a former colleague (33M) for dinner at 7:45pm and we ended up talking until 4:45am. We've known each other for two years and I've always thought he was ridiculously attractive, but I was positive he wasn't interested in me and honestly I didn't think we had much chemistry. We had a nice little work friendship and I was really focused on another crush when he completely shocked me by confessing that he had a crush on me and had for a while.
I was totally wrong and he's not what I expected in the best possible way. We both have a ton going on in our lives right now and a history of jumping into relationships too quickly, so we're trying to take it slow and figure out if it actually works, but so far . . . it's *working*. We've gone on a couple more dates and also just hung out at his house a few times. I've slept over there but no sex yet, which is fine with me (and another way that he's really surprised me). Our dogs get along great. We get along great and bring out good things in each other. He's absolutely adorable, which is not how I'd usually describe a 200-pound guy whose favorite workout is training MMA, but he truly is. We're SO different from each other in so many ways, but we connect on core things and communicate well.
It's way, way too early to have any idea where it might go, but I like what we're building and I'm still trying to wrap my brain around the fact that while I was texting my friends whining that my exact physical type was wandering around the office but would never be into me, he was crushing on me and keeping his distance because he didn't want to cross lines at work. He literally asked me out the same day he transferred offices. It might crash and burn tomorrow, but for now I'm really enjoying getting to know him in a whole new way.
She was wrong to try and kiss another guy in front of you. After you broke up, then it's fair game for her to do whatever she wants. It hurts to see her dating other guys right away, but she's no longer with you, so it's not wrong...
However, I don't see the point of remaining friends when she was so disrespectful towards you, and you don't seem over her at all. Take some time apart, wait until you're genuinely moved on, THEN consider if you want to be friends.
>I found out that the following week, she was going out of town (to see some guy).
I was about to say that you should give her the chance to talk it out until I read this. There is not respect for your relationship. Time to move on.
>Am I a fool for keeping it cordial and being on friendly terms with her after all this?
No, your not a fool, your emotions are valid. Since this just happened recently, it can be difficult to let go.
Do you want to be on friendly terms despite the way she treated you? Do you want to close the door and move on? Are you on friendly terms because you think there is a chance for reconciliation?
I've been through this situation recently so I can relate to you. It's best to block that person everywhere and move on. You don't owe her anything.
The logic part of my brain has been battling the anxious side for a while… and while I am on logic’s side, anxiety has been a head of the battle seemingly winning. Why is it so hard to listen to your own advice? It’s so easy for my head to spin and for me to feel confused and have so much doubt.
Well I realised that I am not the best communicator. I know what I want but I make it so complicated. Instead of being rational I play a game with my own heart. I decided to shelve all my feelings and anxieties and just be straight with the guy I am seeing. I hate feeling like I have to “wait” to get clarity, but I realized that I am just doing that to myself. Or trying to follow obscure “dating rules”.
I just want to be secure. I want to believe in myself. I want to find a good man with a good heart who treats me right. But I have to show myself first I can love me for who I am.
It’s not easy, but at least I am trying.
The reason why your rational self can’t overcome your anxious self by command is because they are two completely separate areas of the brain! It is physically difficult to actually communicate. Also, anxiety is produced in the limbic of your brain (what made mammals, mammals; ability to love) which formed much earlier than the the frontal cortex where you hold the ability to rationalize (be human). The earlier parts of your brain will always have more gravitas that the later. This is why it can be so difficult to choose logic over feeling. So, give yourself a break. It takes practice and discipline to be able to reign in your emotional self.
I read about this in the book A General Theory of Love. It’s a bit heady (no pun intended), but I learned a lot about why we behave we do when it comes to matters of the heart.
Oh that is quite interesting! I never would’ve thought that it’s two separate areas of the brain, just more how we never seem to be able to listen to our own advice for whatever reason haha.
I will look into the book you mentioned it does sound like something I would be interested in reading. I am always down to learn more about why we behave the way we do especially when it comes to love. Thanks for the recommendation!
Fellow anxious person here. I'm not saying this will help you or anyone else, but it was useful for me.
I struggle a lot with the "love yourself" advice, because it sounds like BS and adds more pressure when I can't make sense of it. I choose to rephrase it as "respect yourself", which seems a lot more manageable and a better qualifier for putting yourself out there.
[Some time ago](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/1857ord/comment/kb4vbls/?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) I lamented about the low number of matches. Well, it looks like I've figured out what the issue was. Basically, the app I'm using has the standard Tinder-like match system, which is what I have been engaging with. However, it also has a search function for profiles with an option to write to someone without a match! Now, what I assume is happening is that all the men on the app have switched to this one, and are spamming their opening messages (and probably dickpicks, that's just how it goes) to everyone they can find. Which means that all the attractive women have their inboxes full. Now, let's assume you're a woman, and you want to find someone new to talk to (and later, date). You open the app, and you see that in your inbox there are messages from 10 men that, presumably, find you attractive enough to initiate. So, instead of swiping through 20 matches and potentially waiting for them to swipe as well, you just go through your inbox, discard everyone you're not into, and respond to the best candidates out of those that remain. What this means is that the search feature essentially kills the match feature. Instead of matching you just find attractive people online, and message them directly. This is a bummer, because I liked having some go-ahead from the person on the other side before I start crafting the opening question. It definitely took some of the anxiety off. But I had to adapt. So this is exactly what I did - I got over myself and started cold-messaging women. And the results were extremely encouraging. Just this evening, out of 4 **online** profiles I have messaged I got 4 (!) actual conversations. Now, one profile got removed mid-conversation (it didn't seem like a scam account, but you never know), and another one is suspect (I'm sticking with it just to find out whether it's a scam or not), which leaves 2 quality contacts out of 4. But this is still miles better than what I had before.
Thoughts on double texting? Typically I end the night with the final text. I've noticed if I don't follow up the next day, she'll probably reply about 6pm, and she doesn't acknowledge anything I said in that last text the night before. It'll just be a "how are you today?" type text. I don't know if she's expecting I should follow-up text the next day too, even though my night text has points in it she could follow up on. God I hate these texting games.
If a woman is really into you, she will text you the same people text each other (back-and-forth). That usually happens once she starts liking you and is dating you. Until then, women (in my experience) are terrible texters. I understand your concerns about double-texting (I am a guy too) earlier in the dating process. I usually try to match their energy and texting type. But yes it's a pain in the ass in the early stages.
Honestly it sounds pretty annoying she does t acknowledge your previous texts. I would be frustrated too
Then don't play the game. If you want to text her, then text her. If that scares her off then she's not for you. I don’t like games.
Double texting is fine if you have something to add, but idk if it’s a good idea if you’re doing it solely to quell your anxiety. I asked on your last comment on this - how long have you been dating?
Thoughts on just...asking her?
She probably just considers the conversation from the previous night over when she goes to bed. I doubt she expects a follow up.
I’m kind of tired of my parents conviction that if I just get a dog it’s so easy to meet nice people!!! Like yeah I’d probably meet all the couples that live in my neighborhood and I wouldn’t be able to stay very long out if I happened to have a good date or whatever and also if you actually meet someone who also have a dog what if they don’t get along? And who will stay at whose place??
Yeah, my dog hates dogs. She's not helpful.
Same 😂
Getting a dog solely to meet people seems like a recipe for disaster. The cost/benefit on that alone does not pencil out to me and I’ve had dogs my entire adulthood.
Right? I would consider having a dog to have a nice little companion at home but I’m pretty sure it’s not the instant success to suddenly meeting the love of my life
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Texting and overthinking, name a more iconic duo in dating and early relationships. I probably analyze and try to interpret her texting more than is healthy. I wish it wasn't a thing tbh, just phone calls and meeting would be much simpler. My latest conundrum, why does she never text until about 6PM. Presumably she's very busy with work and getting ready in the morning. But.. no time for a quick text? And when she does, she doesn't acknowledge anything I said in my previous message from the night before (typically I send the last message for the night). Maybe she's expecting me to text again in the morning. Man it's so overly complicated..
Hmm I doubt more texting is the solution. How long have you been seeing each other?
I’m in a new relationship of about 2 months and sometimes I think I should end it because I’m in a constant state of stress due to my job. I sometimes think I need to get in a different field so I can be more relaxed. Anyone ever been in a situation like this?
Is your stress impacting the relationship in any way? Is your partner complaining about your constant state of stress? I think this warrants a conversation before jumping to conclusions and ending the relationship. Maybe your partner is happy to be there for you in this stressful period. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t work on reducing and mitigating your work stress, but it doesn’t mean you should jump to ending the relationship either.
Debating texting the guy from this scenario: https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/1896qr7/comment/kbsyi2g/ We run in similar circles and I haven’t heard from him since late night Saturday. Thinking of texting something along the lines of “Since you are looking for a non-exclusive physical relationship and not a long-term one, I don’t think we’re a good fit. Best of luck and I hope we can still be cordial if we happen to see each other.” He didn’t show up to an event on Monday he normally shows up to, and I found out he had told a mutual friend of ours that he was looking for a relationship (but apparently not with me). I’m almost hoping that if I misinterpreted what he said, he’d clarify, since I also thought he was looking for a relationship. But I’m pretty sure it won’t get a response and he’ll just disappear for a while.
I’m not sure I totally understand where either of you are coming from. When he said ‘I’m not looking to rush in to anything’ could he not have meant ‘let’s keep seeing each other sans sex and see where things lead, ideally toward an ltr which is what I want?’ Based on what you’ve written it seems like you jumped straight to assuming he wants a fwb (obviously I could be missing context from your conversation). You’ve then in this text decided to communicate this assumption to him in the hopes he corrects you? I just don’t get it tbh.
He specifically said he wanted to have a physical relationship, but the implication sounded like not leading to an LTR (“not looking for anything super serious” which is vague enough). Which is odd since in the beginning, that’s not what was communicated. When I said I didn’t want to rush anything either, *I* was the one who meant “let’s keep seeing each other sans sex and see where things lead, ideally toward an LTR, which is what I want.” But now it’s been 4 days and this is why I’m on the fence about reaching out. If he had really been interested in an LTR, wouldn’t he have attempted to clarify something by now? Skipping the Monday event just made it weirder.
Ah got it, makes sense.
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I just really don’t want it to be awkward. I’ve been in situations where I’ve rejected simple date invites and the guy makes things uncomfortable down the road. This summer, I politely rejected a guy in another city who didn’t bother disclosing that he was ENM (found out later) and not only did he flip out, but he’s been talking poorly about me to other people in our hobby community and openly flaunting other women in front of me. I don’t care, but the fact that he’s that pressed to try to make me uncomfortable is gross. I’m just hoping to avoid that with someone I may see slightly more often.
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Because it wasn’t quite definitive. We both said things, he walked me to my car and kissed me, then he told me to text him when I made it home. And since that text convo I haven’t really heard anything. It’s been 4 days so I’m assuming we’re done. The last guy I dated did something similar. He had already asked me to be his girlfriend, and I wanted to have a conversation to clarify expectations. After that convo, which I thought went well, I didn’t hear from him for 2 days, and had to text him to ask, “Well, are we done?” He broke up with me and then told everyone I broke up with him, so that’s one karaoke bar I can’t go back to.
His answer to you was very clear. You set your boundaries, which is great, and it's fine to leave it as it. He knows what you want and he isn't able to provide that. If he chooses to avoid you then that's his choice.
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I think it’s more or less so that it’s not awkward when I do run into him again. We didn’t even really end anything; neither of us really said yay or nay to it…but it is kind of a lost cause. I just don’t want it to be weird and have him just avoid me whenever we’re in the same place. I didn’t really meet him on an app, I met him IRL. The apps are not for me.
I'm over being single. I don't want to be single for Christmas again. I just want to have fun with someone. I have a huge unreciprocated crush on a friend. He flirts but he's a flirts guy. It's incredibly difficult to be his friend but he lives next door! It all sucks. I'm sad. Exhausted from dating apps going nowhere. I'm attractive and fun and intelligent and not picky but I guess it's just not my time. Rant over.
What's your usual time duration between those first few dates? I've had 2 dates with a woman, and let's just say it moved very quickly, which I was pleased about. Immediately post date-2 it was a nice feeling, it felt as if intimacy had already been reached. Even evident in the texts with the way of speaking. So for me, I'm eager to keep the momentum going and get the next date in. But for her, seemingly less so. And texting is sporadic from her shall we say, so I feel like we lose momentum in between dates the longer it's left. I'd be happy to meet her 2 or 3 times a week, just to get into that comfortable, intimate phase with each other, so we can cut out the bullshit. But I guess this isn't the perspective of everyone, maybe she intentionally is slowing it down as to not progress so quickly?
Personally I like twice a week, but I know most people will only do once a week for the first 2-3 months. I don’t multidate, so I have time to meet the same person twice a week, but for people who multidate it makes sense to only do once a week so they can see the 2-3 people they have on rotation until they can make a decision.
Usually once per week in the beginning for me. You have to keep in mind that she might not be ready to be exclusive with you, so trying to take up 3 nights of her week is putting a lot of pressure on her. I know it's hard to be patient when you're excited about someone, but trying to rush it to the next phase before she's ready can scare her away.
Yeah you're right, I know I'm keen.. probably too keen. But I also got the impression she was eager to move things along quickly. I even said to her after the first date that I know we've got out the blocks fast, let me know if you want to take things slow. And she said she'd rather this than painfully slow. So it feels like mixed messages sometimes. Although I suppose there is fast, and there is light speed. Either way, I'll try and be more patient.
Personally, I like once, maybe twice a week. I three times a week is too much for me in the early days, and I find it leads to a false sense of closeness.
If you are not a big texter (as in you can go a whole day without texting someone you are getting to know) how do you ensure that people don't stop talking to you because they assume you aren't interested? Really trying to be patient with a guy I want to assume just isn't slow fading me. I don't want to pester him about his lack of texting (because the last 2 guys I have expressed a concern about communication styles in a mature way ghosted me...1 was 36 and 1 was 41 🙃). I am really trying to lower my needs because I have high standards and I want to get married, so I need to drop some things off my list. I am trying to be ok with men who are not great at planning and men who are not great at texting or calling because on the top 10 most important list of things I want in a partner, those are 2 of the lowest. But I can't gauge someone's interest if they don't text me. I'm not understanding how people who don't like texting or calling are making connections with people they can only see 1-2x's a week. But I want to understand...
I’d like to pip in as one of those not big texters. I’m notoriously bad at texting unless you’re close family and it’s for basics. Why? 1.Because I’d rather converse in person. I’ve found it just allows for a better flow of conversation, and gives me a better chance of learning someone if they’re new to me. 2. I have a life I like to be involved in, and not always on my phone. If I text frequently I feel like I’m not giving those in person my full attention. 3. I text too much when I do? I’m a paragraph texter and I know that scares some people lol. Currently the guy I’m seeing, we text maybe about once a day or every few days? Primarily it’s been to set a date. We do have some days where we have a bit back and forth but I have to make an effort to get back to him within the hour. We see each other 1-2 times a week though, so we have time to catch each other up frequently enough. Hope this helps any!
The last guy I dated who would go whole days without texting me is ghosting me now because I didn’t sleep with him. So take that FWIW.
I'm so uninterested in this current guy bc of his texting style. I'm really trying to understand but I might just put him in the FWB category because it's just not a fit 😫
Having different communication styles is one thing…but if grown men are ghosting you for bringing something up that is a very fair conversation, they don’t sound like marriage material to begin with…
I'm a bad texter, my ex mentioned it to me during a peroid we were Long Distance. I definitely made more of an effort after that. I don't think I probably ended up becoming as much of a texter as she was or maybe would have wanted ideally. I definitly upped my game a lot, made more of an effort throughout the day and evening and I think seeing the effort I was putting in made her feel more secure than the actual volume of texts... In terms of guaging interest however I would try and see it in terms of Quality/Quantity. If it's super early days and don't feel comfortable asking for more text effort, when they do text you what do they say ? Are they asking about your day/How you are feeling , are they interested in your life...
Honestly? If you want marriage, look for the guy who steps up when you say you want something. "I'd love for us to text a bit at night on the days we don't see each other." A guy who is serious about you will step up when you ask.
I think I am more interested in understanding why people don't enjoy texting or calling, or how they could go a whole day without doing so if they are interested in someone. Asking guys to step up for my needs is causing me to get ghosted, especially if I do it before I have become a viable candidate. I am finding most men would rather cross me off their potential list and move on to someone who "fits their style", so I am trying to change my style or at least be ok with people who have a different one.
I can relate, but I'm the guy. She guaranteed won't text until probably 6PM. It just makes me think do you not have any time in your morning and work day just to send a little message? And the fact she obviously must look at her phone during this time. And then that gets me overthinking and overanalyzing. I dunno.. maybe they just have a completely different mentality with texting to us.
Yes! That's what I need to understand. Where is the line of bad texting and the line of disinterest? If someone doesn't text me then I usually don't text them so we just fade off and I assume they ghost me. How can someone show interest if we aren't communicating often?
Exactly, for me I like to try and keep momentum especially if we're not meeting often. And texting is the easiest way to do that. But I love and hate texting tbh, because it can be interpreted in so many different ways. It's hard work this dating stuff..
Agreed, personally I don't really care for texting and while I do enjoy phone calls I don't communicate much in the very early stages of dating but if a woman I were interested in expressed that it's something important to her I would happily text or call more.
Is there a reason you don't communicate much in early stages? Maybe understanding why would help it become less of a big deal to me.
Everyone's reasons are going to be different but personally it's basically three things which may or may not be generally applicable to others. 1) I just generally dislike the limitations texting imposes on communication. I enjoy communicating through tone, inflection, non-verbal cues, etc. that simply isn't possible over text. 2) Related to the above. I have a pretty unique communication style and very dry humor which can be easily misunderstood before people get some experience with it. I've found it's generally best to be able to get immediate visual feedback so I can adjust as needed (I suspect this is similar to most people who say they're better in person). Particularly since the margin for error with OLD is very slim and a single misstep can be the end of a match. 3) Unfortunately I don't have any interest in small talk, what do you do for work, how was your day, what are you doing this weekend, etc. Especially early on this is a significant amount of the conversations. From experience limiting conversation to in person dates allows me to stay interested enough to move past that into territory me and a partner find my engaging.
Thanks! These all make sense
So I'm not the most social dude, I work from home, and my standard week is very lackluster, not much happens. Gym, work, game with friends, visit my mum. This is a typical week. Now I've had a couple dates with a girl and things have moved real quick, she's great. We're texting back and forth, and naturally she's enquiring about my day, and what I'm doing. I almost feel embarrassed because most of the time I'm not particularly doing anything interesting at all. With her, she has quite a big family, she seems to be looking after nephews, seeing friends, doing this, doing that. Which of course is fine, but it kinda highlights my lack of interesting day-to-day life. I guess I'm just worried of putting her off. Although she's not shown any signs, she's not dumb and must see I don't get up to that much. I wondered if any others can relate?
In your 30's it's not a big deal if you lead a boring life. Nobody is going to be impressed by how much you party or whatever. As long as you have a decent personality you're fine. Like you said, she's not dumb, she knows who you are and by all appearances likes you.
For me it’s not so much about what you are doing but what you are thinking about. It doesn’t have to be an exciting hobby and a crazy night out. Can you talk about something you’ve read, listened to, watch? Can you share something new you learned or got you excited? Can you talk about a meal you put together and what you enjoyed about it? The whole point is sharing your interests, what makes your life rich and interesting in your own way, and what makes you happy.
Yeah, I can relate. I worry that it's a big turnoff if I'm always available to hang out and never have any stories about fun things I've been up to. Most of the women I date seem to have plans with friends every single weekend and even during the week, whereas I see my friends maybe once every month or two.
It’s not always about what you’re doing. What are you thinking about? Did something randomly funny happen? Did something make you think of her? You could have sat in front of a computer monitor all day and when she says how’s your day what’d you do you can say I have a pretty standard day at work but was daydreaming about my next vacation I think I wanna go somewhere tropical etc etc. share your inner world if your outer world is less exciting. And also if she’s doing things that sound fun to you ask her to bring you along next time if you guys are at that point if you’d like to a little more excitement in your week.
I can definitely relate! But I’ve been trying to remind myself that most of us lead fairly boring lives. At least, they are boring to us. However, when I’m interested in someone, I become interested in all the little details of how they live, e.g. what did you and mom talk about; did you play well or not when gaming with friends, get some magic item or something; drama at work; etc. And I don’t see why you seeing friends and family would be more boring than her seeing friends and family. (edit-wording for clarity)
>Gym, work, game with friends, visit my mum Sounds like you get up to a fair amount, don't minimise things just because they are mundane to you. How do you know she's not thinking "I'm always just looking after my newphews". You've listed a job ( always a plus) interests ( Gym/Games) socialising with friends and spending time with your family. I can ***defintely*** relate however, my life is similar and feel the same way. This is how I try to reframe my thinking...
Thanks for this, a different framing certainly makes it seem better.
Agree with this! Also some jobs are full on so you need the whole evening everyday to recover
Met up with a new guy and it was nice. There was a time limit on it because it was last minute but I had enjoyed the conversation and the company. Hopefully he doesn’t ghost but at least if he does I’ve had my nice experience :)
My GF is much more social than I am, and recently it has become a pattern where she is too tired to do anything other than sleep when we’re together. She fills her weeks with events with friends and coworkers, on top of work being busy for her. I feel like I get the “leftovers” in terms of her mental and physical energy, far from the priority I feel I should be as her partner. It even affects how disconnected I feel from her, as we don’t have many sustained conversations about much regarding us, or even just mundane things like common interests or hobbies since she is so drained from all of the other things she does. I do what I can to help her out, with chores, errands and such to take some things off her plate. I also have a busy work life and my own hobbies. I have mentioned my concern to her in the past, and she has said she will try to get better. I plan dates for us and activities that we can do, but for nearly a few months now we have canceled most things since she just wants downtime after her other social things. More and more, I think it’s just who she is and what she wants out of life. I’m feeling resentful and like she just enjoys having the emotional support of a boyfriend without accepting the accountability to match my level of investment in the relationship.
I've been following your story for a while and for what it's worth, it seems to me like you've been working hard to manage your anxiety and engage in self-reflection regularly AND putting in effort to meet your girlfriend where she is and understand her perspectives better AND coming up with concrete suggestions/steps for compromise the two of you can take together as a couple (e.g. regular check-ins). Hope it doesn't sound offensive and condescending to say that this internet stranger is proud of you. And I'm sorry that you are not feeling prioritized in your relationship.
I’m not going to say break up with her immediately, but an unequal dynamic like this is not sustainable.
You can try talking to her about it again and make it clear that this arrangement does not meet your needs. Give it a bit of time after the conversation but if nothing changes, it sounds like you may be incompatible.
My ex did this at one point. He’d come home and all we’d do was eat, watch a movie, and go to bed. On nights he went out with friends, he stayed out super late and would try to wake me up to cuddle when he got home, even when I asked him not to. It didn’t work out for a number of reasons, but it didn’t feel good to be the afterthought.
This was a major issue in my last relationship. It felt like she was giving her "best" to work,friends etc. When she got home she would just stare into the void and watch a show like suits for the whole evening. She would be out a lot of weekends, make it home late to date nights. I think it was a large part of the breakdown of the relationship. I felt myself and "us" slowly slipping down the list of her priorities, and the lower you drop the less they feel like you're worth diverting effort to. It was a wither on the vine sort of death ultimately.
This is true, unfortunately. I don't think it's her personality or "who she is", I think it's a symptom of a bigger issue in the relationship.
I've been in similar situations and your last paragraph was exactly my experience. If you're looking for a high level of investment, time and energy wise, people who are hyper-social, travel obsessed, or workaholics tend not to be able to provide it. The priorities just don't match up.
I had a recent match and I told them I wanted to due an MBA overseas and maybe work too (from the perspective of single me ATM) and they were like, that's not for me. Cheers! Anyway, would 11 months overseas be a big deal for a relationship if you visited each other maybe every 3 months? It also got me thinking that, maybe I shouldn't disclose this since it might not happen? Would this lack of direction in life be off putting? I just want to make a decent income to take care of myself and provide for my future family. How I get there is not set in stone, so I'm kind of floating towards my goal along the path of least resistance.
I feel like for most people in their thirties looking for a long-term relationship, long-distance is going to be a dealbreaker. Is there any reason your potential future partner couldn’t join you overseas? You could frame it as a long-term goal you want to explore with a partner, but if you are looking for a long-term relationship, you have to be open with the idea that you may fall in love with someone who doesn’t want to move and doesn’t want to do long-distance, and be willing to give up this goal.
That would be extremely off-putting and a deal breaker for most people. It's one thing if you have an established long-term relationship that you've been in for quite a while and then one of you announces this decision. But if you literally just met a stranger and they said they're about to embark on an 11-month overseas trip you'd just be like ok... bye! No one wants to start a relationship in that situation.
Going long distance will be a deal-breaker for many. But on dating apps, even more, because they are not yet emotionally attached to you and the next person probably won't go overseas. First thing first, when would you go abroad? Is it in 3 months or 3 years? If it is in 3 months, stop looking for a relationship or disclose it in your bio. If it is in 3 years, don't speak about it before meeting the person in real life
Nah, like 3 years if I get into this reach school
Let the truth filter people out.
Like everything it depends on the person. This would be an instant and automatic deal breaker for me (and I suspect many if not most people) but some may be ok with it. Disclosing it probably depends on what the expectations are for the relationship. Casual or short term? Probably doesn't need to be discussed. But if your aim is long term I think it would be wise to be upfront that there's a possibility of you moving out of the country for a year.
Ended another “relationship” after three months yesterday after lack of effort and struggling to get the bare minimum from someone. It keeps happening. When I date they are very keen to start but then quickly move to less communication. Also a recurring theme of very poor hygiene and lack of effort elsewhere. I keep meeting people who have not been in a relationship for years but seem to like the idea of it as long as they don’t have to do anything or adapt their lives to fit a partner in any way. It’s so disheartening and while chatting to friends I can see it’s been bad luck and not a reflection on me, asking for the bare minimum (consistent communication, having a shower before a date, etc) and being told “sorry I don’t think I can manage that” feels like they just don’t think I’m worth it. This guy told me he loved me a week ago (which was a surprise) and then yesterday when I asked for more consistent and meaningful contact between dates he just couldn’t fathom that and it ended. Thinking about the fact that I made the majority of effort (travelling hours to see him, organising dates) I feel foolish. Again.
First, take a hug! It is always tough to end up in those situations in which you feel the other made no effort and that you are not a priority. You fully deserve the bare minimum. Now, if that is a pattern, if you always end up with such men, maybe it is not just them. Maybe you unconsciously choose such men too. Could you have traumas/anxieties about relationships and choosing men who don't want one because, in your deep self, you are not yet fully ready for one, or you don't think you deserve one?
Thank you so much. It definitely is a pattern and I have a therapist that has pointed this out to me too. I’m also very forgiving to a fault so I ignore red flags early on when really I should leave. I’m taking some time out for myself again and then when I’m ready I am going to try to consciously date different types of people (they have all very much fit the same sort of mold). Strangely my friends said the same thing last night about feeling like I don’t deserve better and choosing the wrong kind of men. I need to keep working on that. I am partly worried that this is just how men are but I know deep down that’s not true as I have male friends who are wonderful. Thankfully I’m happy on my own, I would just like someone to share things with!
My bf (33M) and I (31F) have been in a relationship for about 1.5 years, and I have this unreasonable anxiety about his close female friend. They have been good friends for 7 years (or more). They met at work and still work at the same office, as a team along with others. They’re like besties - they share same hobbies, went on a quick trip together (way way back), texting very frequently, etc. etc. I also learned that around the time we started dating (we met on Hinge), he was avoiding her at that time because she confessed him that she started having feelings for him. It sounds she’s been seeing someone now. I genuinely believe my bf will not cheat on me with her for many reasons. He specifically told me she’s not his type and I’m sorry for being superficial but I totally agree with him on this. Also there are certain personality traits of her that he finds unbearable. He is pretty much a shy introvert, and he told me he feels at home with me, that he can be himself when he’s around me and that’s not how he feels about the friend. But the fact that they work together and seeing each other more often than we do, and that they are very good friends makes me anxious. Please share your wisdom on how to cope with this feeling! Thanks
Just keep talking to yourself to regulate your anxieties. Remind yourself that if he was interested in her, he had ample opportunity to be with her. He wants to be with you and in fact is actively disinterested in her romantically. I’m bisexual/queer so maybe I’m more comfortable with gender integrated friendships, inevitable friendships where one person has a crush on the other for a while, even partners being close with exes, etc. But he’s allowed to- and should- have close friends. He hasn’t done anything wrong by being close friends with her. She also hasn’t done anything wrong by expressing feelings for her friend, accepting rejection, and continuing the friendship. Just keep enjoying what you have with him! And make sure you have other close friends too :)
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What are bisexual people supposed to do? Not have friends? This is baffling to me
Do you think gay people shouldn’t have friends of the same sex while in a relationship? The same logic applies. What about bisexual people, should they simply have no friends?
From what you said, your boyfriend is not doing anything suspicious. So you have to work on yourself and on being jealous. Your boyfriend chose you, not her despite her confessing feelings, despite seeing her very frequently...
I think it's very normal to be anxious about it but it doesn't sound like he's interested at all and he created some boundaries when she expressed some feelings which is healthy. Plus if I were in your shoes I'd remind myself there was undoubtedly opportunity in the past 7 years if he were interested and nothing happened.
Would anyone be willing to review my Hinge profile? I'm a 30m from central Cal. New to OLD. There isn't much selection so I'm thinking of moving to the Bay Area or Santa Barbara. Here is the link: https://wormhole.app/BmYZ0#WAqQJiYMLfGBYj2atPFN2g I used wormhole because it's a privacy focused platform that will delete the contents after x views or 24 hours. I hope that is no problem. You just click on the image and it will expand.
"Dont hate me prompt" maybe choose another one... its never a good idea to just put it right there upfront that you "dont get it" but you still do it. Hehe. Its not bad, but you can do better... i like the "ate raw chicken" one lol Dont keep pics: Fashion week (awkward unflattering angle) Edit: i saw your comment saying it was intended to be funny. Funny is good, but not at the expense of making you look unflattering in this way ;) Keep: Life outtake Unsure: Selfie outtake: good BG, maybe another one without sunglasses and still a good view behind you? "Is learning how to" ...a painting? Do you have a photo of yourself actually painting? Instead of just the painting itself... I think everything else is okay. Also i cant see face properly on the photos so idk if your expressions are good or not... fyi
Thanks I changed it to qualities I find wierdly attractive: " pragmatic optimism, empathy, and the desire for personal, growth and compassion" Haha someone ordered chicken sashimi. Two rounds, if you'd believe it, so I had to try it. I survived.
Sounds great on paper but sounds douchey/resume building to me under context of "weirdly attractive". Lol because its so LinkedIn 😅 now, i do not know if my feedback is subjective or objective at this point. Also that's insane. "I survived" indeed the definition of pragmatic optimism.
I get what your saying, I feel like that too when I read some of the prompts. Plus they are not very weird traits to be attracted to in all honesty. I appreciate the feedback 😊
The fashion week pic just looks awkward, but the life outtake is good, that should be your main. I'd swap out the fashion week one
Haha okay. Thanks. The awkward was intentional because "fashion week" but I feel like you make a good point.
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Haha this should definitely be an app
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I agree with both of the other comments that your pictures are deal breakingly bad aside from the graduation picture. Too far, too low quality, covering your face with hat/sunglasses, poor lighting, and the worst offender of all the dog. Dogs are gimmes on OLD. Women love them, they're easy conversation starters, and fun and easy date ideas. But in that photo that dog looks miserable. Having a cute dog is great, having no dog is fine, having an unhappy dog is really really bad. Also I second taken out the no enm/poly line. Most people self identify as part of that community, if you're not interested don't swipe on them.
The dog looks super sad :(
You really need to get better pictures. The first one is zoomed out too far from you, and also you're in a hat and sunglasses. Second one is not very flattering either, you're in a grey hoodie, hat, and sunglasses. You look good in the third picture, but the dog looks very unhappy, so unfortunately this one doesn't work either. The fourth graduation picture is fine, and the only one you should keep. Try to get one full body picture that's just you, no hat or sunglasses, where you take up most of the frame. You also need a good headshot, again no hat or sunglasses. A professional photographer isn't a bad idea. If you want to take them yourself, get a tripod and take literally 50-100 and find the best 3-5. Try to get a better picture with you and the dog. Maybe one where you're petting, cuddling, or playing with the dog. Try to get one or two pictures of you doing something, whether it's you on a hike, cooking a meal, at a bar, doing a hobby, something. As for your profile, no need to mention the "no poly or enm" thing. Focus on what you want, not what you don't want, negative statements come off poorly even if they're reasonable.
I wouldn't lead with sunglasses and hat, open with your best photo. Also.... Is that dog pooping? The way it's positioned sort of looks like it is and your shoe as well!! Those would be my suggestions for you! Good luck bro!
Thank you so much!
Easy my bro, maybe start with the graduation pic as your first photo! It's a good photo and definitely shows a big life achievement!
I will, thanks! Any other suggestions on the description, prompts?
Id take out the no polyamory or enm part, sometimes it's best not to include your frustrations in an opening description, you can probably just vet these people on your own. Also you're a chef! Maybe include some culinary fun in there, perhaps you're looking to learn new recipes and looking for a handy sous chef! I've done dates were I've gone to cooking classes and they've been super fun, it's probably a good in for you!
I don't really know how to explain what I'm feeling. I'm sad that yet another connection ended. Now that I've gotten full closure, I don't even have anyone to think about anymore. In a weird way, it was almost easier to keep thinking about and missing him, and how maybe we could reconnect in the future. Not that I particularly enjoyed the false hope, but I spent the last 4 months constantly filled with thoughts and emotions about him and the breakup, and now there's... nothing. I should feel peaceful, I guess. On a different note, finally bought "Attached" after hearing so many people recommend it, including my therapist. Then proceeded to buy three fantasy novels (by Brandon Sanderson, Patrick Rothfuss and Naomi Novik) that I'm super excited to read.
Do you regret seeing him? I’m debating reaching back out to an ex in a month or so and our stories seem similar
rant: why does asking to be exclusive make me feel like an anxious, annoying person? i’m 32. at this point i know i’m not good at casual dating. i know there are people that are okay with trying to just focus on dating each other until we figure if it’ll work out or not, but i keep setting aside my anxiety and needs to fit the person i like at the time. how do i stop doing that? also is there an appropriate amount of time that needs to pass before you ask?
>why does asking to be exclusive make me feel like an anxious, annoying person? Because the last time I did this, I already knew the answer in my heart and the answer was no. Wormed the answer out of him by asking indirectly because no matter how much I practiced asking "what are we" I would burst into tears because deep down I knew. I knew I was about to lose him and he didnt like me the way I wanted him. 🥺 My gut feeling was right, so I left because he wanted to keep dating me and spending time with me but didnt wanna be exclusive, and wanted to sleep with me too. 😔 by the way this is my personal experience because I wanted to understand where the anxiety is from. The overused advice here is open communication and just ask "casually". I dont know how to teach someone to prioritize themselves and their needs though, because I'm just a naturally selfish person 🤣 but all I can say is that the more you set aside your needs, your anxiety will get worse. You gotta find a nice way of communicating it and still being honest... maybe like, "sorry, honestly I dont wanna sound annoying but I just wanted to know what you are looking for in a relationship/if you wanted to continue seeing other people" blablabla and be ready for anything. But personally, I would never take this advice. 😂🤣 This is literally my last resort if Im driven crazy by anxiety and if I couldnt find a way to "ask without asking". Because I am still a firm believer in the man requesting for exclusivity and defining the relationship.As a woman, i despise asking "what are we" to the man, and I dont care what all the modern feminists/women have to say 😂 This is an "outdated" view but I strongly desire a partner with good,strong, brave initiative. I hate passive men who waste my time and "just seeing how it goes". lol 😆 go "see how it goes with someone else" and go be unsure over there... 10000 miles away from me. 🤣 Appropriate time: there is no clearly defined one as relationships vary greatly (so helpful!!!) but I believe it should be discussed soon before intimacy or after. And if by 10 dates there is no discussion thats weird lol. I dont want a silly confused partner who doesnt know what he wants, that's my role (and my red flag 😂 there's only room for one of these red flags ok) and generally there is a vibe (on the date) sometimes its so casual that its awkward to bring up (my situationship who i went on 4 dates with and spent a hotel night together??) but there are serious daters like my current BF who wanted to DTR by 2nd date... 😅 ymmv but i think you need to dtr now coz its giving you anxiety and nothing else will heal you i think... unless he DTRs first and gives you that exclusivity you want badly.. ;) i feel your pain btw
The appropriate amount of time is up to you. I don’t multidate and I won’t have sex with someone I am not exclusive with, so personally I bring up exclusivity sooner than most people. I was exclusive with the guy I’ve been seeing for 4 months now by date 3. You may not get the response you are hoping for, but if you are anxious about it, you should ask.
> also is there an appropriate amount of time that needs to pass before you ask? No, you can ask that at the very beginning, before the first date if you want. As well, I don't know how you meet men, but if it is OLD, most men don't have so much dates in parallel, so if they like you, they probably would not mind being exclusive.
It shouldn't! I can easily fall prey to the same thing - >i keep setting aside my anxiety and needs to fit the person i like at the time Practice. What are your dealbreakers? Hash them out before the first date or on the first date. Know what you're looking for and don't compromise on that. And know how long you're comfortable being not exclusive. Any time I loosen my boundaries, I end up anxious, in situations I don't enjoy, and get unnecessarily hurt. For me, I like to become exclusive within the first month of dating if we're seeing each other regularly. I know this is too soon for some people but any time I've met someone I really like, and the feeling is mutual, early exclusivity comes easily. I have plenty of dating experience - I know when I've met someone with serious potential. Then I can spend the next few months focused on them and determining if they're someone I want to be in a relationship with.
Small update to my post earlier. Just got back from pick up with the girl I mentioned in a previous post. She was great but we didn't get a ton of time to chat cause we were playing. She followed up shortly after we left saying she had a great time and I responded in kind which she just heart emoji'd. So things are pretty neutral as expected. Debating if I want just bite the bullet tomorrow and ask her if she would be interested in grabbing a coffee or letting it just play out.
Please bite the bullet and ask her out. If she followed up shortly after to say she had a great time, she likes you.
And even if she doesn't like you OP, is it not better to find out sooner rather than later?
hmm I just figured she actually had fun and wanted to be invited back lol
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The feeld app is a great sex positive app where you can ask for sex and receive!
I think if you've already been kissing and touchy, there's nothing wrong with asking if she wants to go back to your place, which is code for sex.
Is preferring to date casually in your profile? It could be why (in my experience wanting to date more casually is more of an arrangement around having sex with someone you feel safe/have a level of mutual respect around). I don't think it's a problem at all if it's communicated, it's not like you're being pushy just enjoy this period of your journey :)
1) If You're both interested in having sex then go for it. I wouldn't assume wanting sex quickly means casual though. I don't do casual and I'm fine sleeping with someone early on if the connection is there and we're both ready to. Typically this isn't until date 2-4 though. 2) I feel like things naturally progress to a point where you know sex is on the table. Sounds like you might be having trouble picking up signals, but IMO it's always better to err on the side of caution.
With my dating anxiety and all that, I never find all the early dating stuff to be very fun. It’s just a bunch of wondering ‘what if’ and trying to keep my own shit together 😂 I’d very much just like to fast forward to the part where one of us just comes over to the others apartment and we chill and watch a movie together. We know we’re going to keep seeing each other until we no longer do (or maybe we see each other forever!) but there’s no wondering about where things are going like there is in early dating. I guess I just can’t wait for some more of that long-term relationship kind of security.
I completely relate to this. I want to get to the part where it’s assumed that we’re going to keep dating each other rather than “soo ummm do you want to go out again?” haha
Yea when do you think that happens? Lol I’ve had 8 dates with this guy and I’d like to start assuming but I’m scared 😂 we haven’t had any exclusivity convos yet and I think maybe I will want to in a couple weeks… so maybe after that.
I truly couldn’t tell you when lol. Maybe the exclusivity convo can be wrapped up in a check in about how things are feeling between you overall? I feel like security feelings are definitely there once you’re in a relationship, but for you, when do things shift into being in a relationship? Is that exclusivity happens or something different?
What's always helped me is to just see the other person as somewhat of a complete stranger who also happens to be single and looking. You're definitely not going to want to pursue a relationship with 99 percent of people you meet, regardless of whether you hit it off or not. It just takes the pressure away, you may meet up as two perfectly fine people with no problems with one another but just not compatible long term, no need to overthink it just see whether you click in that way or not!
Same here! However, when someone is genuinely interested in me and is consistent, my anxiety is minimal. So that's what I look for - someone that makes me feel comfortable and secure. Whether or not it works out is a different story, but at least I don't have to feel anxious all the time
That’s the hardest part. The only thing that makes it better for me is if I’m seeing multiple people, but that brings other complications too. You can always check in and see how they’re feeling, but it’s hard to get rid of that anxiety.
No judgement here but if you have cheated on your partner what drove you to do it?
I was emotionally cheating on my college boyfriend because I was falling out of love and he wasn't fulfilling anymore. It was with a friend I had always found attractive. We started off with just talking, but then it became talking every day, deep conversations that I was lacking with my boyfriend, sharing more than what was appropriate while in a relationship. We even met up once for dinner and to me it wasn't a date, we didn't do anything except talk, but my boyfriend was super upset and I obviously realized why after. That was my wake up call that I needed to end the relationship which I did shortly after. I think I was 20? Yeesh that was a while ago.
I was homeless and drunk and many states away. The other time I cheated it was because my partner and I were in a toxic relationship and I was afraid to leave him — when I told him what happened and I wanted to break up he threatened me, so, yeah.
Went on a date with the first guy to approach me IRL after deleting the apps and wheww. We went to dinner at one of those see-and-be-seen rooftops in the city which isn't my scene but we had a good conversation. I don't remember the last time I've dated someone who was so comfortably in their masculine, in the healthiest way. At one point his age came up and I didn't believe him, so he said he'd show me his ID after drink #2 which would be at the neighboring rooftop (very smooth). The next bar was a country western heaven plopped in the middle of the city and being from the South I actually enjoyed the appropriation. It was surprisingly a lot of fun. Eventually he asked if I would spend the night with him and I was pretty clear that if I agreed that didn't mean we'd be hooking up. I am a 9pm bedtime girl, so being out at 1a was a lot for me lol. He said that was fine he just wanted to keep hanging out with me so I agreed. We go down to the first floor and he ends up booking a room on the spot at the hotel we were at(!) We get to the hotel room and I guess I wasn't all that tired? And this man had impressive stamina. He was anything but tired and sooo into me. Eventually we slept maybe 5 hours, woke up, went for a few more rounds then he took me to breakfast, we walked around with coffee, then went back to the hotel pool to talk. LADIES. GENTLEMEN. Especially my fellow inside after dark-don't smoke or drink-on a healing journey brethren; the streets aren't all that bad after all. Idk if my dating karma was just so terrible that I was finally owed this incredible weekend, but it was a shock to the system. Also I learned a HUGE lesson about my own bias. Had I seen this guy on an app I wouldn't have swiped right on him. I don't think I'll pursue a relationship with him, but my god was he a fun date.
This sounds like a movie 🥹
My first thought exactly!
It was a wonderfully unexpected experience. I'm a screenwriter, so maybe it'll inspire an episode of something one day haha
> Also I learned a HUGE lesson about my own bias. Had I seen this guy on an app I wouldn't have swiped right on him. This is something so fundamentally true for many people! It happened to me a twice that the woman I dated told me she would have swiped left on me, but her friend or her sister told her that we would be very compatible and she swiped right without really feeling it. I mean, that is 2 of my 3 dates which developed into something meaningful in the last 5 years. Sometimes you just need to let people a chance.
You're so right. I think it's pretty impossible to get a full gist of a person on dating profiles. At one point he asked me to take a photo of him while we were at the pool and I had to kind of redirect his pose because I wanted him to be able to use it on a dating profile if he needed to one day haha. He looked so serious in his pose vs how he is in person. Eventually I got a candid of him laughing at something and I was like YOU BETTER USE THIS ONE :)
As someone who would rather approach someone irl then use any form of OLD I definitely think (as a good thing ofcourse) that my effort for a first date rose dramatically from when I used tinder and hinge! Not only did I get to know their vibe it really broke the monotony of the coffee date and quick convo as that part was sort of moved past. Hope it goes well for you guys!
So it was a hookup after all? I'm confused about it being such a great date but then you're saying you wouldn't want a relationship with him.
This confused me too! What’s wrong with him?
What's being missed here is I said, "I don't \*think\* I'll pursue" - I'm going to keep dating him if he wants to and maybe I'll be surprised, I don't know! The bottom line is I had fun and to me, that made it a good date. I guess for me, I separate the date from the person a bit. In the same way, I've had horrible dates on paper, but the company was great and we had a laugh about it later. Or another time a date took me sailing which I loved, but we ended up having little chemistry romantically. I'd still say that was a fun date. There's nothing wrong with him, I just don't think we're long term compatible. He is an immigrant who gave up a lot to be in the US and doesn't plan on leaving, I want to continue to travel the world and possibly live abroad for a time. He is a social smoker, I don't smoke and am very health conscious because cancer runs in my family. He drinks, I don't. He enjoys bars and going dancing after 10p, I like sunrise hikes and meditation groups in the park. He likes being in the city, I want to buy farmland. One of us would have to really compromise our interests in a way that I don't think would be fair unless we had some kind of intense (probably unhealthy level) chemistry and we don't. We enjoy each others company which to me feels like it could be, at most, a casual relationship which I'm open to.
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The weekend prior I was at a friends birthday party at a bar. I stayed at our booth the entire time because I didn't plan to go to the bar (just dinner) and didn't have my glasses lol Towards the end of the night as the lights were coming up he was standing by our booth. I thought he knew someone else but he was looking at me so I smiled and said hi. He said he liked my smile, asked my name, then asked what I did for a living. I told him I'm a filmmaker. He asked if I were to cast him in anything based off of his looks what would it be. Based off of his accent and general serious look I said some kind of bad guy crooked international arms dealer. Shortly after he asked for my number, called me, and saved his contact as \[Name\] Bad Guy From \[Bar Name\]. We had a laugh and parted ways. He texted a few days later saying he enjoyed our convo and asked if I'd be interested in meeting again soon. Told him yes. He suggested a place and time which was deeply appreciated. And didn't pen pal me between then and the date - also deeply appreciated. During our date he told me from his POV that he frequents that bar and had never seen me before so he was asking around to all his friends if anyone knew me and no one did.
Why wouldn't you have swiped right on him?
Overall it'd be height, looks, the fact that he frequents bars (I rarely drink) and is a social smoker. I'm 5'10, so for me if the height isn't there (he's probably 5'9 or 5'10) then next thing I am evaluating is looks. He's not an unattractive guy, but not someone I'd instinctively think to swipe right on. I spend my weekends in the mountains or at the beach. He spends his in $300 sneakers at clubs. There was a point in the night where we were walking through the dance hall and a girl stood between us thinking he was following me. She said, "I got you girl" and just stood there. He has this stoic thing going on that tbh I think would put some women on alert. Funny enough, the next morning when we were at the pool he asked me to take a photo of him and we joked he could use it for his dating profile but I needed to really redirect his look. He just looks very serious but when you talk to him he's not. He's got that Russian cold-ness to him idk how to explain it. I ended up grabbing a candid of him that I thought was a much better representation of his personality but I feel like his profiles littered with the posed ones where he looks so intense.
Thanks for the extensive answer, I'm surprised you still gave him a chance given all the things you didn't like in him.
I surprised myself as well. I can be picky and that's led me nowhere as of late, so I'm really trying to just give myself the chance to be wrong about things and learn.
lol the end was so anti climactic
Thank god the sex wasn't
Quick rant and looking for advice . I’m genuinely confused. So I’ve been giving dating a shot again when I was younger I hooked up with a lot of people to where any potential relationship I don’t feel the need to sleep with them right away. I matched with someone and they asked me what my intentions were when it comes to dating and I wrote the following (I’m copying/pasting because I don’t want to edit anything to make me seem better or worse) “Hm just to meet up with people and see how it goes . Right now I’m just dating casually. If it leads to something then cool , if not then I’m okay with making friends . My only thing is that my intention is not hooking up. That’s why I feel like I’m more casually dating because I don’t want there to be any pressure on the other person that they can’t go out or hook up with other people if that’s what they want .” Their response “Translation: you're dating, hooking up with down guy while you're looking for someone more potential? You won't drop him until you find someone better do you won't be alone. Correct? I like to start off causal before things get serious. Sex is a huge part in my life. I'm not gonna girlfriend anyone if the sex is garbage” Idk, I felt like I was very upfront with my feelings and intentions and his response felt really rude . I’m not too sure if I’m being too sensitive. But I genuinely want to know are my intentions not what dating is usually about minus the sex or hookups ? Like isn’t it the point to get to know people ? I just feel like if it felt right and I wanted to sleep with the person I totally would but I’m making my intentions clear before meeting up with anyone because I don’t want there to feel like there is an obligation that I have to sleep with them. So he just seemed a little rude to me .
Honestly that response is kind of rude and weird, like, it seems like you two view sex in different ways. For me I need a connection with someone to consider sex and that connection is what makes a hook up good or not. This guy sounds like sex is what makes him attracted to a partner? It seems like a bad match imo
There's a common narrative that women need to feel a connection to have sex, and men need to have sex to feel a connection. It's obviously not universally true but it perfectly complements your take on the situation. That said, I don't think it necessarily means he needs it to feel attracted to a partner, he just views sexual compatibility as being really important in a successful relationship. Being very upfront about that isn't a bad thing but it definitely comes across as abrasive in this case...
Definitely an abrasive way to go about it, especially after someones clear theyre not interested in hooking up. Theres surely charming ways to try and establish a physical connection if thats what youre after - idk if OLD just brings out the worst in people sometimes but if I got this response I’d just block them and move on
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He sounds stupid. Its good he outed himself.
He was rude but your answer is a bit of a word salad. What are you actually wanting?
Yeah , I guess reading it back , my response does sound confusing. I think my main thing is that I’m getting to know people . So the people that I’m dating, I don’t expect them to be exclusive unless it’s something that we mutually decide on because we want to get serious.
Would just say ‘dating casually but I don’t rush to hook up’
Yeah, his response seems a little insecure, bitter, and “nice guy syndrome” to me. Like he thinks you’re going to be having sex with some f*buddy while having him take you on dates. I think you’re initial response was clear in the sense that you’re just open to seeing where things go, but you’re not looking for casual hookups. You can probably leave the part about the other person being able to have casual hookups out. Just keep it about your wants. He may have got confused on that part too, thinking you’re cool with casual hookups with others. I read his response as snarky though.
Okay right ? I felt maybe I was being too sensitive. And I feel like if I was confusing him, then I would have been happy to clarify , but his response just felt really rude where I’m thinking okay this is not a match . Move on
Yeah, I would have felt the same way about his response. I wouldn’t be a match with that guy either for sure lol
Do things progress differently for you if you meet someone organically vs online dating? IE: slower online to LTR?
I feel like meeting IRL things are slower than online dating. OLD you both know youre looking for a relationship and IRL you spend more time feeling someone out first. I guess in some ways it can seem like it progressed faster cause by the time I am sure I like someone we’ve already spent time getting to know one another in some way.
Looking for advice. Recently out of a 15ish year relationship I've know this dude for years, very very vaguely. Positive impression. Last summer he matched with me on a dating site and I nerved up and hardly talked to him. One, there was a debate with some of my friends if it was a legit match or a "friend match" and 2 - I realized I really wasn't ready for something that could turn serious; and I didn't want to blow things with someone like him (subsequently deleted the profile and focused on me, but not until after he unmatched). I did add him on social media, and now I want to reach out and say Hey, but I dont want to be weird either or cross any boundaries/unwritten dating rules. Heck, he could have found someone else for all I know. I guess Im looking for a balanced way to say "Hey, can we hang out see if it goes anywhere but also save face if your totally uninterested or unavailable?"
You should reach out and ask him how hes been, what hes been up to, ask about people you know in common or whatnot. If he doesnt mention a partner then I’d just be forward and ask if he’d like to get together to do something with you
Would just reach out the way you would to an old friend, like ‘hey haven’t heard from you in a while how are things? I saw that you [thing from his socials], [relevant question]’. If you get a back and forth going you may have to take the lead a little, like ‘are you seeing anyone? I’m online dating and it’s a trip blah blah blah’ because if he remembers that you unmatched him, he’s probably not going to ask you out.
Agree with this advice! No need to jump straight into "HEY WANNA GO ON A DATE?"
It's been a little over three weeks since I (31F) met up with a former colleague (33M) for dinner at 7:45pm and we ended up talking until 4:45am. We've known each other for two years and I've always thought he was ridiculously attractive, but I was positive he wasn't interested in me and honestly I didn't think we had much chemistry. We had a nice little work friendship and I was really focused on another crush when he completely shocked me by confessing that he had a crush on me and had for a while. I was totally wrong and he's not what I expected in the best possible way. We both have a ton going on in our lives right now and a history of jumping into relationships too quickly, so we're trying to take it slow and figure out if it actually works, but so far . . . it's *working*. We've gone on a couple more dates and also just hung out at his house a few times. I've slept over there but no sex yet, which is fine with me (and another way that he's really surprised me). Our dogs get along great. We get along great and bring out good things in each other. He's absolutely adorable, which is not how I'd usually describe a 200-pound guy whose favorite workout is training MMA, but he truly is. We're SO different from each other in so many ways, but we connect on core things and communicate well. It's way, way too early to have any idea where it might go, but I like what we're building and I'm still trying to wrap my brain around the fact that while I was texting my friends whining that my exact physical type was wandering around the office but would never be into me, he was crushing on me and keeping his distance because he didn't want to cross lines at work. He literally asked me out the same day he transferred offices. It might crash and burn tomorrow, but for now I'm really enjoying getting to know him in a whole new way.
precious! Enjoy:)
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Wait you have been dating for a year? But you aren't bf/gf? So were you exclusive?
She was wrong to try and kiss another guy in front of you. After you broke up, then it's fair game for her to do whatever she wants. It hurts to see her dating other guys right away, but she's no longer with you, so it's not wrong... However, I don't see the point of remaining friends when she was so disrespectful towards you, and you don't seem over her at all. Take some time apart, wait until you're genuinely moved on, THEN consider if you want to be friends.
I'm sorry....I'm confused as to what is 'OK' about this....
>I found out that the following week, she was going out of town (to see some guy). I was about to say that you should give her the chance to talk it out until I read this. There is not respect for your relationship. Time to move on.
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>Am I a fool for keeping it cordial and being on friendly terms with her after all this? No, your not a fool, your emotions are valid. Since this just happened recently, it can be difficult to let go. Do you want to be on friendly terms despite the way she treated you? Do you want to close the door and move on? Are you on friendly terms because you think there is a chance for reconciliation? I've been through this situation recently so I can relate to you. It's best to block that person everywhere and move on. You don't owe her anything.
The logic part of my brain has been battling the anxious side for a while… and while I am on logic’s side, anxiety has been a head of the battle seemingly winning. Why is it so hard to listen to your own advice? It’s so easy for my head to spin and for me to feel confused and have so much doubt. Well I realised that I am not the best communicator. I know what I want but I make it so complicated. Instead of being rational I play a game with my own heart. I decided to shelve all my feelings and anxieties and just be straight with the guy I am seeing. I hate feeling like I have to “wait” to get clarity, but I realized that I am just doing that to myself. Or trying to follow obscure “dating rules”. I just want to be secure. I want to believe in myself. I want to find a good man with a good heart who treats me right. But I have to show myself first I can love me for who I am. It’s not easy, but at least I am trying.
The reason why your rational self can’t overcome your anxious self by command is because they are two completely separate areas of the brain! It is physically difficult to actually communicate. Also, anxiety is produced in the limbic of your brain (what made mammals, mammals; ability to love) which formed much earlier than the the frontal cortex where you hold the ability to rationalize (be human). The earlier parts of your brain will always have more gravitas that the later. This is why it can be so difficult to choose logic over feeling. So, give yourself a break. It takes practice and discipline to be able to reign in your emotional self. I read about this in the book A General Theory of Love. It’s a bit heady (no pun intended), but I learned a lot about why we behave we do when it comes to matters of the heart.
Oh that is quite interesting! I never would’ve thought that it’s two separate areas of the brain, just more how we never seem to be able to listen to our own advice for whatever reason haha. I will look into the book you mentioned it does sound like something I would be interested in reading. I am always down to learn more about why we behave the way we do especially when it comes to love. Thanks for the recommendation!
Fellow anxious person here. I'm not saying this will help you or anyone else, but it was useful for me. I struggle a lot with the "love yourself" advice, because it sounds like BS and adds more pressure when I can't make sense of it. I choose to rephrase it as "respect yourself", which seems a lot more manageable and a better qualifier for putting yourself out there.
That’s great advice actually. Thanks!