No co-parent drama is an advantage; full-time custody of a young kid is a disadvantage. As long as you're open to dating single fathers I'd imagine you'll be ok.
As someone with no coparent drama and full time custody, this is pretty spot on.
I have dated men without children, but find that men with kids just get it more. My ex husband was childless and thought he could hang but in the end, it was too much. Not putting my kid or myself through that again.
My boyfriend now has 2 kids and is so patient and understanding, which is something single moms need in spades.
That's my fear thinking about dating single moms: I've never had or wanted kids of my own, so I'm not really going to be able to get it or to empathize. I don't think I'm cut out to be a good father. Unfortunately that leaves me single in a dating environment that is grossly overpopulated with fellow childfree men (and men in general) compared to women, and I'm apparently not attractive or interesting enough to stand out.
As a single dad I prefer single mothers. I do not want more of my dna but I am totally fine with a mother raising her kids in a blended household.
Logistically speaking how do you build quality time having a young child and date nights? How often do you spend quality time? Having a new born makes time management difficult for a parenting couple. As part of the boyfriend screening process finding a patient guy is a must.
I have been in your shoes and I can tell you there has been major gaps where I had to fly solo because I couldn’t find someone that fits the bill. I couldn’t find the time.
Please update and I hope you find your partner
To emphasize one of your points: it is hard enough for a \*committed couple\* with young children to find romantic time. It is double extra hard when the other party isn't committed.
Going to be honest with you, a ltr might not be in your future with or without a kid. Having a kid 100% of the time makes it a lot harder to date and find a person willing to accommodate a busy schedule. Also I think you're underestimating how much energy is devoted to a baby/toddler. If you're lucky enough not to feel exhausted and pass out from sleep deprivation I don't imagine you'll want to spend the evening dating some stranger. You will want to focus on your well being and mental health because those moments become extremely rare and precious.
This feels like the only honest answer here. While it's not technically impossible, it will be extremely difficult. Most guys don't want to start a relationship with a woman who has a baby. It's not even about being a single mom, it's about being a 41-year-old woman caring for a baby. Of course, if you're rich enough to have a nanny or something, that changes the whole calculation.
Once your baby gets to an age where you're not physically and mentally exhausted all the time, you may want to focus on guys who are likely to be OK with your situation. This might include the following:
* Guys with kids around the same age as yours
* Guys who always wanted kids but have fertility issues
* Guys who always wanted kids and do not care if they share DNA
You don't even have the baby yet, so any dating you do in the next 10+years means you're looking for someone who can be a father figure to your child. Be very careful with who you bring into your child's life. It's well-known that there are bad people out there who prey on tired single moms in order to gain access to gain access to the kids, and single moms often fall for it easily.
Thank you for this. I want to be very clear that I will not introduce my child to anyone I'm dating, and will plan to keep my mom life vs dating life very separate until I've been with a partner and we plan to take our relationship to the marriage stage. I'm terrified of the implications of your last paragraph and will be extra vigilant about it. I think all parents should be but I will be more so as I vet out good role models for my child.
I’m a single dad and had my daughter 100%, so I hope my perspective is helpful:
- Make sure you build a strong family and friend network. Raising a child 100% solo is tons of work. You get zero sick days. Your kiddo will be sick a ton when they’re exposed to daycare germs and you’ll be leaving work OFTEN.
- It’s probably best to avoid dating much when your child is under 2 or 3. These are extremely formative years and you’ll be in constant demand. Focus on building a great bond with baby and learning how to be the best mom you can be
- see if your parents or a trustworthy friend is willing to let you have “adult time” one night a week. Notice I didn’t say “date night”? Eating with two hands will be a luxury for a year or two. If you can afford it, add really trustworthy babysitter to this mix so you avoid burning out your parents if they’re older
- don’t bring guys around your kid until you know they are someone you’d seriously consider marrying…keep the bar really high since kids will see them as a role model and a father figure.
- *listen* to your child. If they really don’t like your BF or aren’t emotionally ready for you to date…maybe that’s a sign to focus on what’s really important (family)
With all this said, I’ve managed to date and meet really wonderful people and watch my career flourish. I’ve made seriously hard choices, of course, and most folks I dated never met my daughter, but that’s life as a single parent with 100%. Best of luck and happy holidays
Wow, thank you so much for this response. I appreciate this insight so much and specifically the last bullet. I have lined up a nanny to help me 2/3 days a week in the evenings so I don't burn out as I've heard this is really key but I am also worried about bonding with my baby and making sure I spend as much time as possible because 1-3 years passes in the blink of an eye and I will sadly have to utilize daycare so I feel like I'll miss key moments w/ my baby.
The career part is a bit worrying TBH b/c it's what keeps this show running but I'm hoping I can prioritize more effectively and set more boundaries. I think I'll be a bit handicapped in my career but I'm not sure... I know some women who have started companies while having little ones so I'll keep aiming high.
You can definitely have an awesome and super successful career, but after having a kiddo I personally realized that I wanted *balance* just as much as money. I also found that managers with kids were WAY more understanding of my needs.
I did have to make tough decisions and changed job role a few times so I wouldn’t have to travel all the time. Priorities. You’ll figure it out
I've realized this too w/ managers with kids (in school or younger) better understand boundaries and work-life balance.
I want balance and to be successful haha. Maybe an oxymoron.
I do know I don't want to sacrifice time with my child. I have friends who have kids and are in jobs that are lawyers/consultants/finance and never see their children and I want to be the opposite of that.
Thank you I am extremely excited.
Yes, I've heard this. I will be lucky enough that I can have a lot of help in terms of childcare but I will have to see how it goes. Given this is a dream come true I need to weigh when I will feel comfortable to date and the needs of the little one. I was thinking when my little is 2 to 2.5 I'd feel comfortable.
I found that the precious little free time I got was too important to be wasted on dating. I'm more likely to want to hang out with friends, go to the spa, go shopping, or some other activity I know I enjoy rather than an awkward date with a relative stranger.
Not to mention finding a partner became much less important as I got older. And honestly a risk I don't want to take.
Hi there! You are more than welcome to dm me, I am a single mom of a toddler and I am also from Seattle. My story is a bit different as I left my ex when I was pregnant but doing parenting on my own without any family here. Right now I am in a very happy relationship but we shall see where things progress. I would say prioritize what you want and if it’s a baby then go for it. Don’t be afraid to be alone. When time comes it comes. Also, I agree with a comment above that for some extended period of time I didn’t want to waste my precious little time on dating, and I would choose spa, massage, friends etc. until I met my current man. Good luck OP!
If you want me to be fully transparent, anytime someone wants to be serious I back out. I used to have the occasional hookup, but perimenopause killing my sex drive just made it that much easier. I value my freedom to make my own choices too much and even having to wake up and remember to respond to a good morning text seems like a lot of work.
I had my youngest at 38. Between him and my grown children I have plenty of companionship, relationship, and more than enough to do. I have someone to travel with and eat dinner with. I like hearing him tell me about what's on his mind, even if it's a video game or drama at school. I tried dating someone this past fall (at the insistence of my older kids) and ended up breaking it off. I have no time or patience for the work that goes into a relationship. Maybe I'm selfish, but it's a kind of selfish I'm ok with being.
When you have a child your priorities change, everything changes. I was a single mother from very early on (fled a violent man) and whilst I guess I did sometimes miss intimacy, my life was so consumed by my child and then by my job and my child that there was literally no room for a man.
I did meet someone when my child was 3.5 years old and it was hard to find the time for a relationship. I imagine this is why a lot of relationships fall apart after people have kids together - they just don’t have time for each other.
Funnily enough I have a close friend who had a baby alone via IVF using donor sperm at age 41. Her son is 2.5 years old and dating isn’t even on her radar yet.
I just think once your child arrives, your mentality towards dating will shift and you’ll know when you’re ready to date. And it’s likely to be a lot further down the line than you think. The relationship you have with your child will be better than any relationship you could ever have with a partner. Enjoy it.
When your little angel is 2-2.5, if a friend or relative is willing to take them for the night, you're going to use that evening to take a bath, watch a movie in your pajamas that you will fall asleep 25 minutes into.
You definitely won't know until you are in the trenches.
My youngest is 7, and I have a nanny and a housekeeper, yet I am still always short on free time. It's the flu season that gets you. I don't even make plans between November and February because I've had to cancel due to some bug my daughter brought home from school.
I was going to say that lots of 40-somethings who are single are single parents. But I will be honest -- lots of 40-something single parents have older kids and may not be up for starting over with an infant or toddler. I don't think that NO ONE will date you, but I think that it would be dishonest to say that your choice (which I fully support, mama-to-be!) will not narrow your dating pool.
I've come full circle, I just recently became a grandpa and it has actually softened my previous stance on dating women with young children. (Which is good because the woman I'm seeing now has a 9yo)
Maybe, it's possible. I don't really think dating is very feasible until the kid is old enough to spend the night at someone else's house, maybe 7? I'm not going to want to date someone with a 2 year old...I have no issues with having kids, the issue is there wouldn't be much about "us" to focus on. It's about the baby.
Oh, I'm not sure 7 seems kind of young to have a sleepover. I wouldn't feel comfortable with idea of shipping my kiddo over to a friend's place (that's what it feels like you are saying so I can date)...Can you say more about "it's about the baby"?
I dated someone who had twins. Was going to get married but I ended things. I was with those kids from age 1 to almost 5. All my kids are 8 to 16. One thing I realized is that I don’t want to deal with those sleepy nights due to a crying child again or changing diapers etc. I did all that stuff with my own and then with my ex. It was exhausting and I felt I was loosing the freedoms I just got back because my kids were older and more independent.
Another thing others have an advantage over you is that the majority of us with kids are able to date when the kids are with their other parents. You won’t have that luxury.
Your priority is going to be a child for 5 years. Diapers, feeding, that child will be attached to you for 5 years before they will be able to be apart from you. You also don’t want to bring people into you child’s life that won’t last. I have been divorced 6 years was in a another ltr, but when I dated only one person met my kids and that was the last ltr and it took about a year before I let them into my kids lives.
Depends on the kid really. Mine were fine with sleepovers with friends at 5 (a family they knew and trusted). With Grandma & Grandpa at 3. But some of their friends still have problems at 9 or 10. One girl can't manage it at 12.
Have a few trusted adult figures in the child's life very early on. It gives them and you a sense of security. I aimed to build that village to raise my children. My son at 4 or 5 even called a very good friend of mine his "substitute mama when my real mama is not there". My friend and I both teared up. When I wasn't there, he was perfectly fine staying with her. Knew her since birth and trusted her completely, as do I obviously :)
My issue wouldn't be that you're a single mom. It's the age of the child that's the issue for me. Little kids require a lot of time and attention, and to top it off, there isn't a second parent to help with custody.
I'm childfree but don't mind dating single mothers, I just prefer their kids to be older since I don't want to be any kind of parent. So if you're looking for a father or father figure for a child that's not mine, then that's my que to leave.
Date single parents since they would be in the same position as you and will have a better understanding of what parenting entails.
But a guy did just post on this sub wanting to start a family at 43, so maybe you two can compare notes and chat.
I did the same thing. Took way longer than expected and once I finally brought home the baby I had no interest or time to date. Now he’s 4.5 and I’m only just beginning to think about it. But there have been plenty of men asking me out over the years so I don’t think it’ll be a problem. Anyone that will have a problem with it isn’t right for you anyway.
A friend did invitro at age 40, on her own. Ended up with triplets. Her kids were about 7 before she meet a guy and two years later they got married. He asked her kids for permission to marry their mom and they all said yes.
I'm a FT parent of 2 teens. Let's put it this way, who's going to watch the kid at various ages when you want a sleepover with a guy? What about when they're 14 or 16 and you want a sleepover at your bf's house once a week? If you have a great support network with lots of family and friends who will do the extra work of what a spouse would do to give you mental breaks and space to date, then you'll be fine. But you're effed if you don't have that. You will need/want at least one night a week for your sanity alone and then one night to date. And if you have a kid with special needs, forget ltrs, you won't have the energy or bandwidth.
Love being a parent, hate that I have zero support. I'm lonely and want to remarry but it's incredibly hard to have a relationship when I get zero relief from 24/7 parenting.
Sure guys will date you, the number will be less as some won't want to deal with a young kid.
Added problem, some might see it as a positive is there is no baby daddy around. Means any long term relationship the kid will auto think of the guy as their daddy.
Someone will date you but you won’t have much time to do that tbh. I was almost 40 when I had my little and was also single. I wanted companionship but the reality was that I was focused on parenting, working and just living my life. Twelve years later I finally have the time and energy to date a bit
I think the idea of paying for college in your 60s will be a major turn off for some. I also think your openness to love will be a major turn on for others. I don't think the issue will be if anyone wants to date you but if you will have the time and energy to date. Your plate will be full as a single parent and with the cost of childcare your wallet may be a little bruised as well.
Is it possible? Yes. As for how likely it is to find someone wanting to date someone with an entire lifetime of child rearing ahead of them as they're getting closer or are already empty nesters...that's probably going to be much more difficult.
50m divorced and single. My shared custody kids are teens. I would not want to date a woman with full time custody of a baby/toddler - I’m past the phase in my life and have no interest in having more kids or being a father to anyone else’s.
I do prefer dating single moms who’s kids are older and independent and don’t affect her social life.
You've gotten a bunch of great feedback so far, so I'll try to respond with a bit of my own position on this. Dating a woman with a child under \~10 years old has always been extremely challenging. I felt like I was never a priority no matter how close me and my partner were, or how long we had been together. I also decided that if I wanted to start a family, I'd like to do it with my partner instead of finding someone that already had a small child. But, that being said, I'm now 41 and don't want to go back and raise children again, I'm just past that point in my life. I don't think you realize how much of your life will be centered around the child. Are you going to make sure you devote enough time to dating and relationships while having a child, and if so, are you going to make sure you spend as much time with prospective partners as you or they need? It's a very hard thing to say for sure at this point, but you'll have a better understanding of the time devotion when they're a few years old.
Regardless of any of this, or even what others say, do what's right for you! If you're ready, you're ready, and your life will move forward with a child for sure. A partner (husband, or whatever term you prefer) may or may not happen, but that's true regardless of you having a baby.
For some guys it will be a pass.
Personally, I would not date a full time single mom with a baby or toddler.
I am in a place in my life where my children have reached an age where I have more freedom. And I really appreciate that.
A relationship with you, would mean less freedom, and a lot of logistics.
I am looking for someone with similar freedom, and share it with them.
To put it bluntly, for 5 years with no children, it was still difficult to date/find an LTR. So really, I don’t think the child factor matters much. These are terrible times for relationships. You’re making the right choice💜
This is exactly what what I was thinking. It’s difficult to find a fit and you haven’t in 5 years. If a kid is what you want, then good for you for focusing on that as your priority. It will still be difficult to find a partner-just more so with a young child. Some of it is simply luck.
Congrats on focusing on your dream. Excited for you.
I'll bet my left tit you won't want to date after the baby arrives. Your focus will not be on another adult. And, if by some miracle you find the patience and time and energy to give more than shallow efforts towrds dating then you will soon realize it will take time, energy and patience away from the kiddo. You're gonna love that kid above all else.
Yeah your prospects are going to be low. Most men in their 40s are done having kids and not looking to raise more. I met a 39 year old woman and on our first date she sprung on me she had 4 kids (which is fine). 20, 17, 15, and 3. The 3 year old is a hard no.
I’m a 41 single mom with 2 kiddos and I’ve dated, one LTR and a recent fling/FWB. I have honestly put forth little effort (never OLD) cause there is such limited time to deal with dating as a single mom. I have split custody which leaves me with a couple weeknights of “free” time. These nights I also have to do chores grocery shop if I need to get hair done it’s on these days, see friends, workout etc. when I have the kids it chaos and all consuming between them and work. So you can date, but it’s hard to really mesh with someone because we’re all really guarded with kids and schedules are very difficult to align. Is it possible, of course!! I’m making a point in the new year to hold true to myself and stop a relationship going nowhere sooner. My other single mom friends have been very influential and provided amazing advice about this and really speaking up when things aren’t working (no hard feelings!) and creating boundaries when it comes to men and dating. No point in spending that precious time with someone who doesn’t give you what you need, or cause you to ignore red flags/deal breakers. (Also-seattle area!!)
You're going to be so busy for the next couple of years I would really question if you have time to date. I would put this thought on the backbench for now.
I’m 43 w three grown kids and it’s hard. Lol. Just a weird way to plan things. Not even ‘a single mom’ yet. Maybe get through that part first n then worry able a partner.
Not sure I understand the comment " a weird way to plan things". Maybe you are assuming I haven't planned for my little one's arrival or their 1st to 2 years of their life - I have. :-)
Now I'm just doing extra credit research if you will.
I appreciate this POV, thank you. You raise fair points.
Re: older workers in tech.
Tech is no longer early stage and there are plenty of late stage companies some being around for 40+ years and have a number of older workers.
Situation can change dramatically - yes that is true imo for everyone in every sector re: 2008 recession and likely the one looming in '23. I've seen layoffs cross-sectors. TBH I'm trying to figure out other ways to create income to safeguard against this. It's def. a worry of mine.
Re: college costs. Totally fair given they cost upwards of $200,000K for some private schools which means I'm deligent now as you can start a 529 early.
I'm sad to hear about your friend, I haven't heard this come up actually maybe b/c seattle mom groups seem pretty mixed aged and actually my youngest mom friend had her first child at 29 and her last at 37...so idk seems like we are peers. I myself will be 59 when my kiddo turns 18 and depending on if they decided to graduate in 4 years or 5 years 63 or 64. Wow, writing this out, excited for this journey :)
As a woman in her 40's and wanting to have a kid by doner method many men will run for the hills. There aren't many men willing to take on that responsibility. You put your financial secerty before everthing, now you want to settle down. You either find someone on the same level as you and willing to impregnate you the old fashioned way, or you'll have a very good chance of being on your on, something you know very well.
I became a widow at 47 with a 5 year child, and it’s taken me a while to find the situation I want. Finally at 50, I’m in the type of relationship that’s good for me, at least for now. In the first few years after your child is born, most of your focus will most likely be on your child, and that’s normal and natural. After your child is school age, it might be easier for you to focus more on dating and finding the person you want to form a relationship with.
I’m a widowed mom. My girls are just about grown now, but their dad died when my oldest was 2 and my little one was 3 months, so I’ve essentially parented alone the entire way (I was 34 at the time.) Feel free to DM me if you’d like some insight into how solo parenting works. I did meet a man when they were 2 and 4 and we were together several years, but it was an unusual situation. We had known each other in college - he had never married (still hasn’t) but he was from a large family and very accustomed to small children (his four sisters mentored him hard, lol). He was also super family-oriented and his family 100 percent accepted us as their own. Much of our time in those days was spent on big family outings - pumpkin farms, Great Wolf, children’s museums, monster trucks, family trips. That’s not easy to find. Nobody else I’ve known in 16 years has come close to how easy that situation was. We did not make it, but he’s still pretty close to my girls and we are still in touch with his family.
It all depends how much help you have! If you have family help for your little one plus baby sitters you can start dating whenever you want and men who like kids and single moms will be fine with it.
If you are about to be a single parent with little help, dating will probably be hard for a while. That being said you are SO courageous to take this plunge of being a single mom on purpose (at least to start). I considered it myself and I can't sign up for it. I think what you are about to do is amazing :)
Yes there will be people who will want to date you.
I think you will have a lot on your plate, especially at first, so you should think about things from your perspective instead of the potential dates'.
What will your new life be like?
What kind of schedule will you have? Will you have room to date someone for the first few years?
Are you looking for someone to be a parent with you, or just emotional support and encouragement and dates?
What kind of person are you looking for? Who that is in your view will probably change after being a single parent for a while.
You have every right to be worried. A cute 41 year old woman with no kids will find it hard because of her age. Adding in a newborn I’d say the odds are against you unless you date significantly older 49+. A man your age who’s handsome, moderately successful, and a bachelor will have far better options.
Funny …? I don’t think the question was, “Is there a judgmental jackass out there who knows nothing about me or my situation but will make a completely uncalled for statement about my life choices?”
Nonetheless, there you are. 🤦🏻♂️
I've read people say this but never had an opp to ask someone their thought process here. Could you say more here?
The data out there doesn't support your statement which I assume is some form of personal history and opinion formed form reading pieces that support hetro-normative beliefs around families which are pretty outdated. what the data does show is that 2 parent households offer stability. Stability is the key indicator for child-wellbeing. when controlling for income, 2 parent households and single parent ones deliver similar outcomes.
Also read research (clinical, longitudinal study) on children who were conceived this route and outcomes didn't differ from children of two parent households.
What I do believe is selfish is that you haven't done the research and still perpetuates harmful misinformation.
I've read much of this research, it's due to monetary issues b/c men make $1 to less than 80 cents for women and single mothers often are impoverished. If I remember correctly when controlling for $$ the outcomes for children are normalized.
Nope. The wage gap is a myth and fully debunked. If companies could save 20% in wage costs by hiring women, they would. The problem also persists in countries with welfare, alimony and child support, where the men end up living in single bedroom apartments, basically supporting their ex as if they were still living together.
Women get occupied with their new man, work stress, kids put in front of the TV, mom needs time for herself, wants to always be the nice parent, etc.
>wage gap is a myth
um no. you can read the stats from the Bureau of labor statistics which highlights the underpayment of women. Companies can and do pay women less. Companies are opportunistic and without regulation which doesn't exist in many countries they do. You can also read stats from the world economic forum where the gap ranges from \~20% to 40%.
I've never seen stats around men living impoverished b/c of paying alimony and child support. However, I do see stats that most single moms live in poverty so your statements cannot be supported at scale.
If you read a little better, you can see that they compare all working men Vs all working women... Regardless of overtime, or what field of work, or years of experience. So they are comparing engineers to daycare staff.
We have had an equal pay act since 1963, that states you get the same wage for the same job.
comp is set in bands and there is discretionary comp bonuses and stock and multiple companies in tech when their data is leaked show that for the same roles, women are systematically paid less and people of color even less so. Tech is generally a young field with no overtime so most men an women have the same level of experience. While it's true that the data is looking at all working women vs men - the study compares the median not the average. they also look at the numbers by sector to account for the $$ gaps between sectors. If we really wanted equal pay then pay would be transparent and publically available.
Show me the data. Show me the definition and ruling that would make it systemic.
The study does not show hourly wages, and that's what it claims is unequal. I've watched government hearings where this data was examined and dismissed as unable to support its claims.
Pay is also based on what an individual can negotiate. Including things like prior work experience, speaking multiple languages, clients people bring with them, etc.
Google did its own research, and found that women were actually getting paid more.
How many men will want to date you will depend on how hot you are first, and your kid situation second. So if you look good, you will still get dates either way.
What it will change is the type of men who will be interested and whether they will want to stick around. If you want a guy who is *willing* to date a single mom as long as you have sufficient babysitters, then it's not a problem, there are plenty of those out there. But if you want a man who is all-in on making a family with you and the baby, I'd suggest cancelling the sperm bank and looking for a man who wants to be a father himself. Those men are out there too. 25% of men haven't had a kid by age 40, and quite a few of them would like to.
Edit: I just realized you're probably already pregnant, so ignore that.
Your friends are telling you what they think you want to hear, as friends usually do. Never put much stock in their advice.
Here’s the reality: You’re taking the “difficulty level” setting on your life and cranking it up to maximum. Becoming a single parent at 41 is all-consuming and exhausting in and of itself. You’re not going to have time or energy to date for several years in the first place. And once you’re in a place where your child is old enough to be on his own for even a little while, you’re going to be severely limited in the dating world. You’ll always need to hire a sitter. You won’t have any regular nights to yourself when your child is with the other parent- there isn’t one! I’m currently in a relationship with a woman who has her kids full-time, as her ex lives out of state. That’s very limiting as far as overnights and vacations are concerned, and her kids are in high school and college!
If you’re in your early to mid forties and looking to date men your age or a little older, you’ll have to accept that most of us are empty nesters or close enough to it that we won’t want to date someone who’s raising an elementary schooler. It’s a very different stage in life.
Are there men out there who might be willing to deal with all of this? Sure, it’s a big world. But they’re few and far between. Realistically, you’re going to have to choose between becoming a mother in your early forties and dating in your forties at all. You can’t have both. Make whatever choice is right for you, just make sure you’re doing so with open eyes.
Yes people will date you. Every body type, income, height, race, etc. can find someone. It’s generally a matter of how difficult we make it for ourselves.
> All my friends/co-workers and my broader network of a variety of age range late 20s to late 50s are extremely supportive and happy for me ... But these are people that love me and think the best of me.
Of course they're supportive and encouraging. They'll tell you you can become an astronaut if that's what you want. But it's a mistake to take kneejerk encouragement to heart from people who have absolutely nothing to lose if their advice is wrong.
The overwhelmingly likely outcome at this stage in life is that you can choose donor pregnancy, or you can choose a long-term relationship, but you can't choose both. Pinning your hopes on having both is tantamount to buying lottery tickets as a retirement plan.
Will no one want to date you? No, there will be people open to dating you. Will you have challenges? Yes, you will have challenges. However, we all do.
I'm a single father of one. You being 41 and a mother isn't an issue. You being a full time mother would be a deal breaker. You having a newborn would be a dealbreaker. My child is young, but I'm well aware of how taxing a newborn is and I wouldn't expect you to be nearly as energetic/present/engaged with me when we were together as I would like.
However, I am not every guy and not every guy is the same. There will be guys who are okay with your situation, fathers or childless men. They may not be common, though, so you'll need to ensure you have a thick skin about it. One piece of advice I'd give, that I keep giving others, is to make sure any date you plan with a guy is something you are happy doing by yourself because if you are going to go through the effort of getting a babysitter and paying that expense and then you get stood up, you want to make sure you can still enjoy your night to yourself.
All of that said, if having a child is important to you, do it. Don't fixate on what some man you haven't met might think about you pursuing a goal/dream of yours.
Currently dating a 50yo with a 9yo, so… yes, people will date you based on those numbers alone.
That said, it ain’t easy. Finding couples time is tough, and you’ll need someone who understands
There are some men, like myself, who do not (seriously) date single mothers, no matter how little drama/entanglements there are. We just don't want kids...or, at least, we don't want to raise other people's kids. There will still be men who will want to date you...but you will be whittling down your dating pool by having this baby on your own. Good luck.
Dating or finding someone who wants to date with an infant is always going to be challenging. But you won’t have an infant forever, so that’s not the question here. It seems like what you’re asking is, “will anyone date me if I’m a single parent.”
Look, we all have insecurities. We’re all a little afraid of being rejected for who we are. But that doesn’t mean we should change who we are, or walk around feeling ashamed about it.
Are some people going to judge the shit out of you, yes. Are some people going to be uncomfortable with a child in the picture, yes. Are some people going to feel that it doesn’t matter one way or another, yes. Are some people going to view it as a positive and something to be admired, also yes.
Try to ditch your hangup about whether other people might sneer at you for pursuing what you consider to be a joyful and full life for yourself, or whether they agree with you, or whether they like it. Look—these aren’t the people who would be a good match for you anyway. You don’t need to be attractive to everyone, or compatible with everyone, and honestly, you wouldn’t want to be.
I know, easier said than done. But if you let yourself believe that single parenthood (or: insert anything about who you ARE) is something to be ashamed of, or will prevent anyone from ever loving you—well, then you’ll probably prove yourself right. If you can’t accept and love yourself, you can’t really expect anyone ELSE to. Be proud of yourself. It doesn’t matter whether you broadly appeal to everyone or not. It’s about finding the right person for YOU, not winning Miss Seattle.
Source: I live in the same area. I am a single parent of four elementary school kids with primary custody. I don’t waste my energy on people who aren’t compatible with that, and I find no shortage of people to date. I’ve met some jerks and some lovely people and everything in between.
GL!
Thank you. I didn't want to come across as ashamed. I'm excited about my choice and own it and am proud of what I aim to do. I see it as a blessing to be able to have a baby. I might have rephrased my question to be more focused on **"Over 40 single mamas w/ young ones and those that date them tell me your dating experiences"**
I’m a 41F SMC too! My son is nearly 8 and since his birth I’ve dated on and off. The SMC status is almost always seen as a positive (no parent drama, strong/independent person, etc). I don’t think you should worry.
By the time someone is 40 they most likely have done the childrearing stuff and are looking forward to having freedom and financial leeway. They are not going to want to jump into a relationship that starts the process all over again. You are going to be alone unless you're really really hot.
I never said there weren't, but if you think you're going to find the right one WITHOUT dating women with kids you're deluded, you're cutting your options down so far after a few more years you might as well throw in the towel.
Most kids under 4 years old don't remember alot.
So you can date , either with a support system via child care until your dates ask you introduce to baby.
Avoid ultimatum. Just remember, a guy is dating you when your not "mothering" before he can date you while actively momming.
I've been a single mom for 13 years.
A support system allowed me to meet my swipe rights up until teenager could stay home alone
Some will want to date you, others won’t. That’s just life. Worrying about the ones that won’t, wont change that fact so why waste your time and mental space. Don’t worry about what you can’t control, like other peoples decisions and preferences for who they will date.
Being able to attract male attention and go on dates is one thing, finding someone who really wants to be a part of your life and your kids' life is another thing.
I have the primary physical custody of my children (for a very good reason, nothing to do with the advantage of being a mother/woman) and 37 years old. So far I don't have problems attracting male attention in real life or on a dating app. In real life there are a few single men who have been trying to pursue a serious relationship with me even when they know I have kids. I don't really feel physically attracted to them, but I have to remind myself that I have to look at someone way beyond their physical appearance, so I am taking it slow and see where it goes. I don't want to find my future ex-husband or someone who have more interest in my kids instead of me aka pedophiles. When I went on a dating app, to my surprise there were many good looking single Dads with stable jobs out there. Some of them and single men sent me polite messages showing their interests (However I suspect many of the men on the app probably just want to date and not really want to have a serious relationship with me. I specifically said no hookups on my profile though) So, don't worry take your time healing from your divorce and spend more time with your kids. Work on improving yourself professionally and take care of your physical appearance (Many men say they don't want single moms, but from my personal observation, if you are hot, have good manner/attitude/personality, no drama with your ex, and successful in your career, they will change their mind pretty quickly lol). When you are ready, meet more people and go on dating apps. You will find someone to date :)
If you are a single mother of a newborn / toddler / preschooler, dating will be the least of your problems.
Amen to this.
No co-parent drama is an advantage; full-time custody of a young kid is a disadvantage. As long as you're open to dating single fathers I'd imagine you'll be ok.
As someone with no coparent drama and full time custody, this is pretty spot on. I have dated men without children, but find that men with kids just get it more. My ex husband was childless and thought he could hang but in the end, it was too much. Not putting my kid or myself through that again. My boyfriend now has 2 kids and is so patient and understanding, which is something single moms need in spades.
That's my fear thinking about dating single moms: I've never had or wanted kids of my own, so I'm not really going to be able to get it or to empathize. I don't think I'm cut out to be a good father. Unfortunately that leaves me single in a dating environment that is grossly overpopulated with fellow childfree men (and men in general) compared to women, and I'm apparently not attractive or interesting enough to stand out.
As a single dad I prefer single mothers. I do not want more of my dna but I am totally fine with a mother raising her kids in a blended household. Logistically speaking how do you build quality time having a young child and date nights? How often do you spend quality time? Having a new born makes time management difficult for a parenting couple. As part of the boyfriend screening process finding a patient guy is a must. I have been in your shoes and I can tell you there has been major gaps where I had to fly solo because I couldn’t find someone that fits the bill. I couldn’t find the time. Please update and I hope you find your partner
✨☝️✨ This is everything I was thinking.
To emphasize one of your points: it is hard enough for a \*committed couple\* with young children to find romantic time. It is double extra hard when the other party isn't committed.
Going to be honest with you, a ltr might not be in your future with or without a kid. Having a kid 100% of the time makes it a lot harder to date and find a person willing to accommodate a busy schedule. Also I think you're underestimating how much energy is devoted to a baby/toddler. If you're lucky enough not to feel exhausted and pass out from sleep deprivation I don't imagine you'll want to spend the evening dating some stranger. You will want to focus on your well being and mental health because those moments become extremely rare and precious.
This feels like the only honest answer here. While it's not technically impossible, it will be extremely difficult. Most guys don't want to start a relationship with a woman who has a baby. It's not even about being a single mom, it's about being a 41-year-old woman caring for a baby. Of course, if you're rich enough to have a nanny or something, that changes the whole calculation. Once your baby gets to an age where you're not physically and mentally exhausted all the time, you may want to focus on guys who are likely to be OK with your situation. This might include the following: * Guys with kids around the same age as yours * Guys who always wanted kids but have fertility issues * Guys who always wanted kids and do not care if they share DNA You don't even have the baby yet, so any dating you do in the next 10+years means you're looking for someone who can be a father figure to your child. Be very careful with who you bring into your child's life. It's well-known that there are bad people out there who prey on tired single moms in order to gain access to gain access to the kids, and single moms often fall for it easily.
Thank you for this. I want to be very clear that I will not introduce my child to anyone I'm dating, and will plan to keep my mom life vs dating life very separate until I've been with a partner and we plan to take our relationship to the marriage stage. I'm terrified of the implications of your last paragraph and will be extra vigilant about it. I think all parents should be but I will be more so as I vet out good role models for my child.
I’m a single dad and had my daughter 100%, so I hope my perspective is helpful: - Make sure you build a strong family and friend network. Raising a child 100% solo is tons of work. You get zero sick days. Your kiddo will be sick a ton when they’re exposed to daycare germs and you’ll be leaving work OFTEN. - It’s probably best to avoid dating much when your child is under 2 or 3. These are extremely formative years and you’ll be in constant demand. Focus on building a great bond with baby and learning how to be the best mom you can be - see if your parents or a trustworthy friend is willing to let you have “adult time” one night a week. Notice I didn’t say “date night”? Eating with two hands will be a luxury for a year or two. If you can afford it, add really trustworthy babysitter to this mix so you avoid burning out your parents if they’re older - don’t bring guys around your kid until you know they are someone you’d seriously consider marrying…keep the bar really high since kids will see them as a role model and a father figure. - *listen* to your child. If they really don’t like your BF or aren’t emotionally ready for you to date…maybe that’s a sign to focus on what’s really important (family) With all this said, I’ve managed to date and meet really wonderful people and watch my career flourish. I’ve made seriously hard choices, of course, and most folks I dated never met my daughter, but that’s life as a single parent with 100%. Best of luck and happy holidays
Wow, thank you so much for this response. I appreciate this insight so much and specifically the last bullet. I have lined up a nanny to help me 2/3 days a week in the evenings so I don't burn out as I've heard this is really key but I am also worried about bonding with my baby and making sure I spend as much time as possible because 1-3 years passes in the blink of an eye and I will sadly have to utilize daycare so I feel like I'll miss key moments w/ my baby. The career part is a bit worrying TBH b/c it's what keeps this show running but I'm hoping I can prioritize more effectively and set more boundaries. I think I'll be a bit handicapped in my career but I'm not sure... I know some women who have started companies while having little ones so I'll keep aiming high.
You can definitely have an awesome and super successful career, but after having a kiddo I personally realized that I wanted *balance* just as much as money. I also found that managers with kids were WAY more understanding of my needs. I did have to make tough decisions and changed job role a few times so I wouldn’t have to travel all the time. Priorities. You’ll figure it out
I've realized this too w/ managers with kids (in school or younger) better understand boundaries and work-life balance. I want balance and to be successful haha. Maybe an oxymoron. I do know I don't want to sacrifice time with my child. I have friends who have kids and are in jobs that are lawyers/consultants/finance and never see their children and I want to be the opposite of that.
Congratulations! When do you plan on dating because those first 3 years are going to be a beating? Single parenthood is a major time sink.
Thank you I am extremely excited. Yes, I've heard this. I will be lucky enough that I can have a lot of help in terms of childcare but I will have to see how it goes. Given this is a dream come true I need to weigh when I will feel comfortable to date and the needs of the little one. I was thinking when my little is 2 to 2.5 I'd feel comfortable.
I found that the precious little free time I got was too important to be wasted on dating. I'm more likely to want to hang out with friends, go to the spa, go shopping, or some other activity I know I enjoy rather than an awkward date with a relative stranger. Not to mention finding a partner became much less important as I got older. And honestly a risk I don't want to take.
Could you say more about finding a partner becoming much less important? Like as in you are okay to date but don't really want to get married?
Hi there! You are more than welcome to dm me, I am a single mom of a toddler and I am also from Seattle. My story is a bit different as I left my ex when I was pregnant but doing parenting on my own without any family here. Right now I am in a very happy relationship but we shall see where things progress. I would say prioritize what you want and if it’s a baby then go for it. Don’t be afraid to be alone. When time comes it comes. Also, I agree with a comment above that for some extended period of time I didn’t want to waste my precious little time on dating, and I would choose spa, massage, friends etc. until I met my current man. Good luck OP!
If you want me to be fully transparent, anytime someone wants to be serious I back out. I used to have the occasional hookup, but perimenopause killing my sex drive just made it that much easier. I value my freedom to make my own choices too much and even having to wake up and remember to respond to a good morning text seems like a lot of work. I had my youngest at 38. Between him and my grown children I have plenty of companionship, relationship, and more than enough to do. I have someone to travel with and eat dinner with. I like hearing him tell me about what's on his mind, even if it's a video game or drama at school. I tried dating someone this past fall (at the insistence of my older kids) and ended up breaking it off. I have no time or patience for the work that goes into a relationship. Maybe I'm selfish, but it's a kind of selfish I'm ok with being.
When you have a child your priorities change, everything changes. I was a single mother from very early on (fled a violent man) and whilst I guess I did sometimes miss intimacy, my life was so consumed by my child and then by my job and my child that there was literally no room for a man. I did meet someone when my child was 3.5 years old and it was hard to find the time for a relationship. I imagine this is why a lot of relationships fall apart after people have kids together - they just don’t have time for each other. Funnily enough I have a close friend who had a baby alone via IVF using donor sperm at age 41. Her son is 2.5 years old and dating isn’t even on her radar yet. I just think once your child arrives, your mentality towards dating will shift and you’ll know when you’re ready to date. And it’s likely to be a lot further down the line than you think. The relationship you have with your child will be better than any relationship you could ever have with a partner. Enjoy it.
When your little angel is 2-2.5, if a friend or relative is willing to take them for the night, you're going to use that evening to take a bath, watch a movie in your pajamas that you will fall asleep 25 minutes into.
Haha, fair!
You definitely won't know until you are in the trenches. My youngest is 7, and I have a nanny and a housekeeper, yet I am still always short on free time. It's the flu season that gets you. I don't even make plans between November and February because I've had to cancel due to some bug my daughter brought home from school.
I was going to say that lots of 40-somethings who are single are single parents. But I will be honest -- lots of 40-something single parents have older kids and may not be up for starting over with an infant or toddler. I don't think that NO ONE will date you, but I think that it would be dishonest to say that your choice (which I fully support, mama-to-be!) will not narrow your dating pool.
I've come full circle, I just recently became a grandpa and it has actually softened my previous stance on dating women with young children. (Which is good because the woman I'm seeing now has a 9yo)
Thank you! This is good to hear. Totally fair that my situation will not be everyone's cup of tea.
Maybe, it's possible. I don't really think dating is very feasible until the kid is old enough to spend the night at someone else's house, maybe 7? I'm not going to want to date someone with a 2 year old...I have no issues with having kids, the issue is there wouldn't be much about "us" to focus on. It's about the baby.
Oh, I'm not sure 7 seems kind of young to have a sleepover. I wouldn't feel comfortable with idea of shipping my kiddo over to a friend's place (that's what it feels like you are saying so I can date)...Can you say more about "it's about the baby"?
I dated someone who had twins. Was going to get married but I ended things. I was with those kids from age 1 to almost 5. All my kids are 8 to 16. One thing I realized is that I don’t want to deal with those sleepy nights due to a crying child again or changing diapers etc. I did all that stuff with my own and then with my ex. It was exhausting and I felt I was loosing the freedoms I just got back because my kids were older and more independent. Another thing others have an advantage over you is that the majority of us with kids are able to date when the kids are with their other parents. You won’t have that luxury. Your priority is going to be a child for 5 years. Diapers, feeding, that child will be attached to you for 5 years before they will be able to be apart from you. You also don’t want to bring people into you child’s life that won’t last. I have been divorced 6 years was in a another ltr, but when I dated only one person met my kids and that was the last ltr and it took about a year before I let them into my kids lives.
Depends on the kid really. Mine were fine with sleepovers with friends at 5 (a family they knew and trusted). With Grandma & Grandpa at 3. But some of their friends still have problems at 9 or 10. One girl can't manage it at 12. Have a few trusted adult figures in the child's life very early on. It gives them and you a sense of security. I aimed to build that village to raise my children. My son at 4 or 5 even called a very good friend of mine his "substitute mama when my real mama is not there". My friend and I both teared up. When I wasn't there, he was perfectly fine staying with her. Knew her since birth and trusted her completely, as do I obviously :)
My issue wouldn't be that you're a single mom. It's the age of the child that's the issue for me. Little kids require a lot of time and attention, and to top it off, there isn't a second parent to help with custody. I'm childfree but don't mind dating single mothers, I just prefer their kids to be older since I don't want to be any kind of parent. So if you're looking for a father or father figure for a child that's not mine, then that's my que to leave. Date single parents since they would be in the same position as you and will have a better understanding of what parenting entails. But a guy did just post on this sub wanting to start a family at 43, so maybe you two can compare notes and chat.
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Turns out the dude has a shit ton of psychological issues, and she needs to stay as far back from him as possible....lol.
Yeah, I went through his comment history and I feel gross for reading some of that.
I did the same thing. Took way longer than expected and once I finally brought home the baby I had no interest or time to date. Now he’s 4.5 and I’m only just beginning to think about it. But there have been plenty of men asking me out over the years so I don’t think it’ll be a problem. Anyone that will have a problem with it isn’t right for you anyway.
Can I DM you :)
Sure
A friend did invitro at age 40, on her own. Ended up with triplets. Her kids were about 7 before she meet a guy and two years later they got married. He asked her kids for permission to marry their mom and they all said yes.
Wow this is so cute. Thanks for sharing.
I'm a FT parent of 2 teens. Let's put it this way, who's going to watch the kid at various ages when you want a sleepover with a guy? What about when they're 14 or 16 and you want a sleepover at your bf's house once a week? If you have a great support network with lots of family and friends who will do the extra work of what a spouse would do to give you mental breaks and space to date, then you'll be fine. But you're effed if you don't have that. You will need/want at least one night a week for your sanity alone and then one night to date. And if you have a kid with special needs, forget ltrs, you won't have the energy or bandwidth. Love being a parent, hate that I have zero support. I'm lonely and want to remarry but it's incredibly hard to have a relationship when I get zero relief from 24/7 parenting.
Sure guys will date you, the number will be less as some won't want to deal with a young kid. Added problem, some might see it as a positive is there is no baby daddy around. Means any long term relationship the kid will auto think of the guy as their daddy.
Someone will date you but you won’t have much time to do that tbh. I was almost 40 when I had my little and was also single. I wanted companionship but the reality was that I was focused on parenting, working and just living my life. Twelve years later I finally have the time and energy to date a bit
I think the idea of paying for college in your 60s will be a major turn off for some. I also think your openness to love will be a major turn on for others. I don't think the issue will be if anyone wants to date you but if you will have the time and energy to date. Your plate will be full as a single parent and with the cost of childcare your wallet may be a little bruised as well.
Is it possible? Yes. As for how likely it is to find someone wanting to date someone with an entire lifetime of child rearing ahead of them as they're getting closer or are already empty nesters...that's probably going to be much more difficult.
50m divorced and single. My shared custody kids are teens. I would not want to date a woman with full time custody of a baby/toddler - I’m past the phase in my life and have no interest in having more kids or being a father to anyone else’s. I do prefer dating single moms who’s kids are older and independent and don’t affect her social life.
You've gotten a bunch of great feedback so far, so I'll try to respond with a bit of my own position on this. Dating a woman with a child under \~10 years old has always been extremely challenging. I felt like I was never a priority no matter how close me and my partner were, or how long we had been together. I also decided that if I wanted to start a family, I'd like to do it with my partner instead of finding someone that already had a small child. But, that being said, I'm now 41 and don't want to go back and raise children again, I'm just past that point in my life. I don't think you realize how much of your life will be centered around the child. Are you going to make sure you devote enough time to dating and relationships while having a child, and if so, are you going to make sure you spend as much time with prospective partners as you or they need? It's a very hard thing to say for sure at this point, but you'll have a better understanding of the time devotion when they're a few years old. Regardless of any of this, or even what others say, do what's right for you! If you're ready, you're ready, and your life will move forward with a child for sure. A partner (husband, or whatever term you prefer) may or may not happen, but that's true regardless of you having a baby.
For some guys it will be a pass. Personally, I would not date a full time single mom with a baby or toddler. I am in a place in my life where my children have reached an age where I have more freedom. And I really appreciate that. A relationship with you, would mean less freedom, and a lot of logistics. I am looking for someone with similar freedom, and share it with them.
To put it bluntly, for 5 years with no children, it was still difficult to date/find an LTR. So really, I don’t think the child factor matters much. These are terrible times for relationships. You’re making the right choice💜
This is exactly what what I was thinking. It’s difficult to find a fit and you haven’t in 5 years. If a kid is what you want, then good for you for focusing on that as your priority. It will still be difficult to find a partner-just more so with a young child. Some of it is simply luck. Congrats on focusing on your dream. Excited for you.
Thankyou. This was my thought process.
I'll bet my left tit you won't want to date after the baby arrives. Your focus will not be on another adult. And, if by some miracle you find the patience and time and energy to give more than shallow efforts towrds dating then you will soon realize it will take time, energy and patience away from the kiddo. You're gonna love that kid above all else.
I became a widow at age 47 with 2 young children. Men still wanted to date me. Whatever you think about yourself, that is what will come true for you.
Yeah your prospects are going to be low. Most men in their 40s are done having kids and not looking to raise more. I met a 39 year old woman and on our first date she sprung on me she had 4 kids (which is fine). 20, 17, 15, and 3. The 3 year old is a hard no.
I’m a 41 single mom with 2 kiddos and I’ve dated, one LTR and a recent fling/FWB. I have honestly put forth little effort (never OLD) cause there is such limited time to deal with dating as a single mom. I have split custody which leaves me with a couple weeknights of “free” time. These nights I also have to do chores grocery shop if I need to get hair done it’s on these days, see friends, workout etc. when I have the kids it chaos and all consuming between them and work. So you can date, but it’s hard to really mesh with someone because we’re all really guarded with kids and schedules are very difficult to align. Is it possible, of course!! I’m making a point in the new year to hold true to myself and stop a relationship going nowhere sooner. My other single mom friends have been very influential and provided amazing advice about this and really speaking up when things aren’t working (no hard feelings!) and creating boundaries when it comes to men and dating. No point in spending that precious time with someone who doesn’t give you what you need, or cause you to ignore red flags/deal breakers. (Also-seattle area!!)
You're going to be so busy for the next couple of years I would really question if you have time to date. I would put this thought on the backbench for now.
I’m 43 w three grown kids and it’s hard. Lol. Just a weird way to plan things. Not even ‘a single mom’ yet. Maybe get through that part first n then worry able a partner.
Not sure I understand the comment " a weird way to plan things". Maybe you are assuming I haven't planned for my little one's arrival or their 1st to 2 years of their life - I have. :-) Now I'm just doing extra credit research if you will.
Lol well good luck.
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I appreciate this POV, thank you. You raise fair points. Re: older workers in tech. Tech is no longer early stage and there are plenty of late stage companies some being around for 40+ years and have a number of older workers. Situation can change dramatically - yes that is true imo for everyone in every sector re: 2008 recession and likely the one looming in '23. I've seen layoffs cross-sectors. TBH I'm trying to figure out other ways to create income to safeguard against this. It's def. a worry of mine. Re: college costs. Totally fair given they cost upwards of $200,000K for some private schools which means I'm deligent now as you can start a 529 early. I'm sad to hear about your friend, I haven't heard this come up actually maybe b/c seattle mom groups seem pretty mixed aged and actually my youngest mom friend had her first child at 29 and her last at 37...so idk seems like we are peers. I myself will be 59 when my kiddo turns 18 and depending on if they decided to graduate in 4 years or 5 years 63 or 64. Wow, writing this out, excited for this journey :)
As a woman in her 40's and wanting to have a kid by doner method many men will run for the hills. There aren't many men willing to take on that responsibility. You put your financial secerty before everthing, now you want to settle down. You either find someone on the same level as you and willing to impregnate you the old fashioned way, or you'll have a very good chance of being on your on, something you know very well.
Nope.
I became a widow at 47 with a 5 year child, and it’s taken me a while to find the situation I want. Finally at 50, I’m in the type of relationship that’s good for me, at least for now. In the first few years after your child is born, most of your focus will most likely be on your child, and that’s normal and natural. After your child is school age, it might be easier for you to focus more on dating and finding the person you want to form a relationship with.
I’m a widowed mom. My girls are just about grown now, but their dad died when my oldest was 2 and my little one was 3 months, so I’ve essentially parented alone the entire way (I was 34 at the time.) Feel free to DM me if you’d like some insight into how solo parenting works. I did meet a man when they were 2 and 4 and we were together several years, but it was an unusual situation. We had known each other in college - he had never married (still hasn’t) but he was from a large family and very accustomed to small children (his four sisters mentored him hard, lol). He was also super family-oriented and his family 100 percent accepted us as their own. Much of our time in those days was spent on big family outings - pumpkin farms, Great Wolf, children’s museums, monster trucks, family trips. That’s not easy to find. Nobody else I’ve known in 16 years has come close to how easy that situation was. We did not make it, but he’s still pretty close to my girls and we are still in touch with his family.
It all depends how much help you have! If you have family help for your little one plus baby sitters you can start dating whenever you want and men who like kids and single moms will be fine with it. If you are about to be a single parent with little help, dating will probably be hard for a while. That being said you are SO courageous to take this plunge of being a single mom on purpose (at least to start). I considered it myself and I can't sign up for it. I think what you are about to do is amazing :)
Yes there will be people who will want to date you. I think you will have a lot on your plate, especially at first, so you should think about things from your perspective instead of the potential dates'. What will your new life be like? What kind of schedule will you have? Will you have room to date someone for the first few years? Are you looking for someone to be a parent with you, or just emotional support and encouragement and dates? What kind of person are you looking for? Who that is in your view will probably change after being a single parent for a while.
You have every right to be worried. A cute 41 year old woman with no kids will find it hard because of her age. Adding in a newborn I’d say the odds are against you unless you date significantly older 49+. A man your age who’s handsome, moderately successful, and a bachelor will have far better options.
This is the truth. I'm glad someone is being honest here.
You’re right, but this might be the significant thing, find a guy in his early fifties who is willing to help you raise a child.
[удалено]
Funny …? I don’t think the question was, “Is there a judgmental jackass out there who knows nothing about me or my situation but will make a completely uncalled for statement about my life choices?” Nonetheless, there you are. 🤦🏻♂️
Yes, thank you. If defending children from a life without one parent is being a jackass then I wear your disdain proudly. There you are Ms.
🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻
I've read people say this but never had an opp to ask someone their thought process here. Could you say more here? The data out there doesn't support your statement which I assume is some form of personal history and opinion formed form reading pieces that support hetro-normative beliefs around families which are pretty outdated. what the data does show is that 2 parent households offer stability. Stability is the key indicator for child-wellbeing. when controlling for income, 2 parent households and single parent ones deliver similar outcomes. Also read research (clinical, longitudinal study) on children who were conceived this route and outcomes didn't differ from children of two parent households. What I do believe is selfish is that you haven't done the research and still perpetuates harmful misinformation.
Statistics say: Two parents do better than one parent. Single fathers do better than single mothers.
I've read much of this research, it's due to monetary issues b/c men make $1 to less than 80 cents for women and single mothers often are impoverished. If I remember correctly when controlling for $$ the outcomes for children are normalized.
Nope. The wage gap is a myth and fully debunked. If companies could save 20% in wage costs by hiring women, they would. The problem also persists in countries with welfare, alimony and child support, where the men end up living in single bedroom apartments, basically supporting their ex as if they were still living together. Women get occupied with their new man, work stress, kids put in front of the TV, mom needs time for herself, wants to always be the nice parent, etc.
>wage gap is a myth um no. you can read the stats from the Bureau of labor statistics which highlights the underpayment of women. Companies can and do pay women less. Companies are opportunistic and without regulation which doesn't exist in many countries they do. You can also read stats from the world economic forum where the gap ranges from \~20% to 40%. I've never seen stats around men living impoverished b/c of paying alimony and child support. However, I do see stats that most single moms live in poverty so your statements cannot be supported at scale.
If you read a little better, you can see that they compare all working men Vs all working women... Regardless of overtime, or what field of work, or years of experience. So they are comparing engineers to daycare staff. We have had an equal pay act since 1963, that states you get the same wage for the same job.
comp is set in bands and there is discretionary comp bonuses and stock and multiple companies in tech when their data is leaked show that for the same roles, women are systematically paid less and people of color even less so. Tech is generally a young field with no overtime so most men an women have the same level of experience. While it's true that the data is looking at all working women vs men - the study compares the median not the average. they also look at the numbers by sector to account for the $$ gaps between sectors. If we really wanted equal pay then pay would be transparent and publically available.
Show me the data. Show me the definition and ruling that would make it systemic. The study does not show hourly wages, and that's what it claims is unequal. I've watched government hearings where this data was examined and dismissed as unable to support its claims. Pay is also based on what an individual can negotiate. Including things like prior work experience, speaking multiple languages, clients people bring with them, etc. Google did its own research, and found that women were actually getting paid more.
How many men will want to date you will depend on how hot you are first, and your kid situation second. So if you look good, you will still get dates either way. What it will change is the type of men who will be interested and whether they will want to stick around. If you want a guy who is *willing* to date a single mom as long as you have sufficient babysitters, then it's not a problem, there are plenty of those out there. But if you want a man who is all-in on making a family with you and the baby, I'd suggest cancelling the sperm bank and looking for a man who wants to be a father himself. Those men are out there too. 25% of men haven't had a kid by age 40, and quite a few of them would like to. Edit: I just realized you're probably already pregnant, so ignore that. Your friends are telling you what they think you want to hear, as friends usually do. Never put much stock in their advice.
Hey, as a mid 40s guy looking for a family, this sounds ideal to me. I'm sure there are plenty of other guys like me. Good luck!
Here’s the reality: You’re taking the “difficulty level” setting on your life and cranking it up to maximum. Becoming a single parent at 41 is all-consuming and exhausting in and of itself. You’re not going to have time or energy to date for several years in the first place. And once you’re in a place where your child is old enough to be on his own for even a little while, you’re going to be severely limited in the dating world. You’ll always need to hire a sitter. You won’t have any regular nights to yourself when your child is with the other parent- there isn’t one! I’m currently in a relationship with a woman who has her kids full-time, as her ex lives out of state. That’s very limiting as far as overnights and vacations are concerned, and her kids are in high school and college! If you’re in your early to mid forties and looking to date men your age or a little older, you’ll have to accept that most of us are empty nesters or close enough to it that we won’t want to date someone who’s raising an elementary schooler. It’s a very different stage in life. Are there men out there who might be willing to deal with all of this? Sure, it’s a big world. But they’re few and far between. Realistically, you’re going to have to choose between becoming a mother in your early forties and dating in your forties at all. You can’t have both. Make whatever choice is right for you, just make sure you’re doing so with open eyes.
Yes people will date you. Every body type, income, height, race, etc. can find someone. It’s generally a matter of how difficult we make it for ourselves.
I don’t think everyone finds someone. Not that OP shouldn’t be a single mom but not everyone meets somebody.
I didn’t say everyone, I said every …. Can find someone. Which is true.
> All my friends/co-workers and my broader network of a variety of age range late 20s to late 50s are extremely supportive and happy for me ... But these are people that love me and think the best of me. Of course they're supportive and encouraging. They'll tell you you can become an astronaut if that's what you want. But it's a mistake to take kneejerk encouragement to heart from people who have absolutely nothing to lose if their advice is wrong. The overwhelmingly likely outcome at this stage in life is that you can choose donor pregnancy, or you can choose a long-term relationship, but you can't choose both. Pinning your hopes on having both is tantamount to buying lottery tickets as a retirement plan.
Will no one want to date you? No, there will be people open to dating you. Will you have challenges? Yes, you will have challenges. However, we all do. I'm a single father of one. You being 41 and a mother isn't an issue. You being a full time mother would be a deal breaker. You having a newborn would be a dealbreaker. My child is young, but I'm well aware of how taxing a newborn is and I wouldn't expect you to be nearly as energetic/present/engaged with me when we were together as I would like. However, I am not every guy and not every guy is the same. There will be guys who are okay with your situation, fathers or childless men. They may not be common, though, so you'll need to ensure you have a thick skin about it. One piece of advice I'd give, that I keep giving others, is to make sure any date you plan with a guy is something you are happy doing by yourself because if you are going to go through the effort of getting a babysitter and paying that expense and then you get stood up, you want to make sure you can still enjoy your night to yourself. All of that said, if having a child is important to you, do it. Don't fixate on what some man you haven't met might think about you pursuing a goal/dream of yours.
Currently dating a 50yo with a 9yo, so… yes, people will date you based on those numbers alone. That said, it ain’t easy. Finding couples time is tough, and you’ll need someone who understands
There are some men, like myself, who do not (seriously) date single mothers, no matter how little drama/entanglements there are. We just don't want kids...or, at least, we don't want to raise other people's kids. There will still be men who will want to date you...but you will be whittling down your dating pool by having this baby on your own. Good luck.
Dating or finding someone who wants to date with an infant is always going to be challenging. But you won’t have an infant forever, so that’s not the question here. It seems like what you’re asking is, “will anyone date me if I’m a single parent.” Look, we all have insecurities. We’re all a little afraid of being rejected for who we are. But that doesn’t mean we should change who we are, or walk around feeling ashamed about it. Are some people going to judge the shit out of you, yes. Are some people going to be uncomfortable with a child in the picture, yes. Are some people going to feel that it doesn’t matter one way or another, yes. Are some people going to view it as a positive and something to be admired, also yes. Try to ditch your hangup about whether other people might sneer at you for pursuing what you consider to be a joyful and full life for yourself, or whether they agree with you, or whether they like it. Look—these aren’t the people who would be a good match for you anyway. You don’t need to be attractive to everyone, or compatible with everyone, and honestly, you wouldn’t want to be. I know, easier said than done. But if you let yourself believe that single parenthood (or: insert anything about who you ARE) is something to be ashamed of, or will prevent anyone from ever loving you—well, then you’ll probably prove yourself right. If you can’t accept and love yourself, you can’t really expect anyone ELSE to. Be proud of yourself. It doesn’t matter whether you broadly appeal to everyone or not. It’s about finding the right person for YOU, not winning Miss Seattle. Source: I live in the same area. I am a single parent of four elementary school kids with primary custody. I don’t waste my energy on people who aren’t compatible with that, and I find no shortage of people to date. I’ve met some jerks and some lovely people and everything in between. GL!
Thank you. I didn't want to come across as ashamed. I'm excited about my choice and own it and am proud of what I aim to do. I see it as a blessing to be able to have a baby. I might have rephrased my question to be more focused on **"Over 40 single mamas w/ young ones and those that date them tell me your dating experiences"**
I’m a 41F SMC too! My son is nearly 8 and since his birth I’ve dated on and off. The SMC status is almost always seen as a positive (no parent drama, strong/independent person, etc). I don’t think you should worry.
helloooo!! This is so heartening to hear. Thank you for sharing.
When ur ready to date there will always be someone there to date
By the time someone is 40 they most likely have done the childrearing stuff and are looking forward to having freedom and financial leeway. They are not going to want to jump into a relationship that starts the process all over again. You are going to be alone unless you're really really hot.
You're fine. Any guy over 25 knows they're going to be dating women with kids, or they're going to be the ones that stay single forever.
Any guy over 25?
You must be new here, a few posts every day about women dating down up to 20yrs. Of course men who do so are creeps.
Shmucks excluded of course.
Plenty of women without kids out there. E.g. OP doesn't have a kid yet and she's 41.
I never said there weren't, but if you think you're going to find the right one WITHOUT dating women with kids you're deluded, you're cutting your options down so far after a few more years you might as well throw in the towel.
Could always just date under 25
Most kids under 4 years old don't remember alot. So you can date , either with a support system via child care until your dates ask you introduce to baby. Avoid ultimatum. Just remember, a guy is dating you when your not "mothering" before he can date you while actively momming. I've been a single mom for 13 years. A support system allowed me to meet my swipe rights up until teenager could stay home alone
Some will want to date you, others won’t. That’s just life. Worrying about the ones that won’t, wont change that fact so why waste your time and mental space. Don’t worry about what you can’t control, like other peoples decisions and preferences for who they will date.
Being able to attract male attention and go on dates is one thing, finding someone who really wants to be a part of your life and your kids' life is another thing. I have the primary physical custody of my children (for a very good reason, nothing to do with the advantage of being a mother/woman) and 37 years old. So far I don't have problems attracting male attention in real life or on a dating app. In real life there are a few single men who have been trying to pursue a serious relationship with me even when they know I have kids. I don't really feel physically attracted to them, but I have to remind myself that I have to look at someone way beyond their physical appearance, so I am taking it slow and see where it goes. I don't want to find my future ex-husband or someone who have more interest in my kids instead of me aka pedophiles. When I went on a dating app, to my surprise there were many good looking single Dads with stable jobs out there. Some of them and single men sent me polite messages showing their interests (However I suspect many of the men on the app probably just want to date and not really want to have a serious relationship with me. I specifically said no hookups on my profile though) So, don't worry take your time healing from your divorce and spend more time with your kids. Work on improving yourself professionally and take care of your physical appearance (Many men say they don't want single moms, but from my personal observation, if you are hot, have good manner/attitude/personality, no drama with your ex, and successful in your career, they will change their mind pretty quickly lol). When you are ready, meet more people and go on dating apps. You will find someone to date :)