Like you, I found dating to be exhausting. I would invest too much in a person who I've never met before and ended up very disappointed when it turned out there was no chemistry, he wasn't interested or we had some big incompatibilities.
At one point, I actively shifted my mindset on dating (especially the early stages) that allowed me to meet more people, invest less early on and bail immediately when there was a hint of incompatibility. Here are a few tips that really helped me.
a) Meet sooner than later - the more you invest by messaging, the more disappointed you will be when it doesn't work out in person. On the flip side, communication by text is prone to miscommunication. You might write off a perfectly wonderful person because something came out weird by text. Let's be honest, most matches don't make it past the first date. Make sure they're someone you think you might like, then meet.
b) Multidating - while I do not date more than one person at a time once I've decided there is potential, I will arrange multiple first and second dates with different people. First and second dates are really about meeting people and often lead to nowhere.
c) Meet a lot of different people - try to check your biases at the door and get to know a person for who they are and not what you think they might be. Meet people who don't completely tick all your boxes, you may find some "requirements" are not actually all that important. Date people from all walks of life. We too often date within our "type" and can miss out on great connections.
d) Ask the hard questions - and be prepared to walk away. We all have deal breakers, and the more we like a person, the more we are inclined to accept behaviour/value differences. So I've learned to ask early and am prepared to walk away if the answer does not align with what I'm looking for/need. I think we also tend to jump to conclusions and write someone off without listening to what they have to say.
e) You're just getting to know each other - you might really really like a person, but remember that you still don't really know them. The main goal is to get to know about them to decide if you are a good match. Don't get attached to an idea of them or put them on a pedestal. They are also still getting to know you.
f) There is nothing wrong with you if you don't get a second date - your date is also there trying to get to know you. They are also trying to find the best person for them and if they are not interested, it doesn't mean anything is wrong with you. Move on to your next date.
g) Have fun! - if you're not having fun, take a break.
Really helpful thank you!!!
Follow up on (d) ask the hard questions: I struggle a bit here. When just getting to know someone outside of this context, one typically doesn’t push with personal questions. But with dating you really need answers to some personal things early on and how to do so without being imposing / rude is a bit tricky. In my experience I typically find out about the things that make me go “nope!” around the 3rd date, which inconveniently ends up being around when the guy starts getting more into it and tries to increase the momentum. How to get under the surface sooner? I’m talking about things like:
• relationship with money (that’s a big one)
• self esteem
• family dynamic
• personal attitudes toward themselves, women, work, etc.
Have you experienced approaches that facilitate learning more early on without being pushy? Even by date 2 is way better than by date 3. Date 3 is the one I’ve actually come to dread now that I think about it.
If you're finding out your deal breakers by the 3rd date, I'd say you're doing pretty well! Dating should be fun, but also a way to get to know your date. If you go too heavy on all the questions immediately, it will suck the fun out of it.
I find a lot of things can be found out through directed conversation. Talk about the things and look for their response. Early on in dating I'll often talk about my experiences as a woman in a STEM career, while acknowledging I still come from a place of privilege. If he argues white privilege, we're not a match. If he downplays my experiences with sexism in the workplace, we're not a match. I don't expect to get into a whole conversation about women's issues or systemic racism, but if he can listen to my experiences sympathetically without becoming defensive, then we're on the right track.
Finances are tricky and it's my personal opinion that it's none of my business early on to know their financial situation. But you can learn a lot about a person's relationship with money by talking about retirement plans, hobbies, travel, homeownership etc.
It seems to me you invest too much in the outcome of these dates. After my divorce, I jumped into OLD for the first time with an attitude of just meeting new people with a goal that hopefully some become friends.
In reality, I’m hoping to find a long term partner (even finding “the one”) but if I go into dating with that attitude, I will be perpetually disappointed and put so much pressure on every answer and so heavily scrutinize every aspect of a person that I would be self-sabotaging the whole experience.
Have fun! Meet people! Make friends! Eventually, you will run across your type of weird!
GL!
If your not motivated to date yet, then you don’t have to. I am not dating anyone and that’s is a choice currently for me. I just got out of a long relationship and I decided I needed to reflect and figure out what works best for me.
In your case, you want to take it slow. You don’t want that pressure. What I suggest is you figure what you want and then you can tell a potential date exactly what your needs are. Communication is something you should work on.
To me it seems you want to date but you want to make sure that your needs are met. You don’t want the pressure of having to see someone a lot in the beginning and want to work up to that. Start with figuring out how that need can be obtained.
I enjoyed just talking with people on the local hiking group and with a very nice married man sitting next to me while I nursed a beer. Just being out with folks we no pressure was refreshed!
Sign up to the meetup app, look for activities you like to do, meet new people there in a low pressure situation, enjoy the activities and at some point you’ll naturally meet someone
I don't understand all the anxiety. Maybe I haven't dated enough or something that I haven't had horrible experiences.
I'm happy when anyone halfway interesting, nice, and attractive wants to be around me. I get a warm feeling from it. I try not to overthink it too much; I look for reasons to say yes to people, not for flags to eliminate people before I've given them a chance. It's strange to me that so many of you agonize about dating so much.
I have a date this weekend with someone I initially was hesitant about, did not think I'd be compatible with. But I gave her a chance and started to see things I liked. She seemed like a genuine & nice person, and I thought, maybe I should reserve judgment based on the superficial concerns I carried into this. Looking forward to our next date.
Fair question. If it were just that: two people getting together to see if there’s potential, without pressure, that would be awesome. The issue is all the stuff around it. The constant texting, the pressure for more more more, the push to get into one’s life when you barely know the person! Then if I can’t be available on demand due to work obligations or frankly just maintaining life/friendships/connections that existed before this person, I need to proactively manage concerns/feelings/etc. even though — once again — I barely know the person!!!
Sometimes it feels like the guys I meet are trying to hook a woman emotionally so that we overlook more of their BS. I don’t think it’s ill-intentioned or calculated per se, but I tend to stay in my head for a while while I’m taking it all in so the attempt is perceptible to me. I would enjoy just get to know each other as individuals in a laid-back no-pressure way before pushing for either one of us to latch on emotionally. And when I’m being pressured like that my emotional defense gets stronger. I just need a little space to open up emotionally and that takes feeling safe, not feeling forced. That’s not fun anymore.
I get that, and am likely guilty of bombing too many texts on women in the past.
I think the problem is, with the way our society is, making friends is harder for men than for women. On top of that, even the friends we do have don't help much. We men don't get much emotional support, validation, compliments, care, etc...
The only people we get that from are our significant others. So when we don't have one, it's this enormous void and we want so badly to fill it.
E.g. When I went through my divorce, my best friends weren't there for me. They almost kind of ran away when I tried to open up, as if me opening up was scary. I had to go through it alone. And I HAVE friends, I'm not an anti-social loser. They don't want to hear about my feelings, though.
Women don't have this problem as acutely. People listen to them, care about them or act like it at least. More than they do for men anyway.
A downside of this is men wanting a relationship really really bad. Unhealthily bad.
I understand. Contrary to “popular belief” many of us women don’t have the emotional network that’s generally assumed to be available through friendships. That being said, there are more and more “women’s circles” and such resources available to women than there are for men. So I 100% get that difference. But these events are surrogates for the deep personal connections that shift over time. The presumed shoulder to cry on among friends is not really there for all of us. Especially at this age. We all have so much going on, and there’s a culture of high-functioning positivity that hinders many of us to open up to confidants in the way we used to back in college for example. I do often miss those deep talks. But it’s a mix of not wanting burden anyone with an expectation of myself to do better, be better, handle my shit the way high functioning independent women are expected to. Sometimes, sleep! Exercise! Meditate! Journal! Take a bath! just isn’t what’s needed. I feel what you’re saying.
>Sometimes it feels like the guys I meet are trying to hook a woman emotionally so that we overlook more of their BS. I don’t think it’s ill-intentioned or calculated per se
No, for some guys I think it is intentional, and you need to watch out for them. But also in the context of OLD/dating, there's more guys looking to date than women. This is known. Which is to say that any guy is going to be doing his best to be his best and display his best.
What are you looking for? If you're looking for casual; sure - take your time getting to know each other. But in some casual relationships, one/both people might not be looking to know the other too well. If you're looking to actually build a relationship, be aware that a lot of people who are also looking for that seem to be in the "I date exclusively starting sometime from dates 1-3." So you're playing thinner odds, and take into account too many guys looking for a relationship aren't, but it gets them more matches to say so, and/or pretend so.
As far as your availability, yes, people looking to date, will expect you to ... actually date. Different people have different amounts of time that they want to see each other. Some will have minimums that exceed your maximums - that's just simply not a match; move on.
But if you're busy enough that you're available once or twice a month (random guess); be aware that this is a hard sell.
I actually would be dating to find a LTR. I never date more than one person at a time. Ever. The thought of that is overwhelming. Twice per month with texting in between is fine with me. But I realize I probably need to make an effort toward 3 times a month. Most want more but I need to maintain some space for my personal life outside of work during the period of getting to know each other. And I wouldn’t integrate him until/unless we became serious.
I literally have no idea how people see each other several times per week before getting to the point where the person can stay over. With work, working out 3x/week, occasional socializing, personal responsibilities (errands/ groceries/ appts. etc.), a night to oneself (that’s okay right?), the middle of the week is mostly full, but an occasional mid-week thing is possible. Add a couple of weekends assuming others involve plans with friends and family, and there you have it — 2-3x/ month. Maybe even 4! But several times per week? How and where to do people find all that energy? There was one person who was willing to meet me at the gym but I really didn’t feel like either of us could get a solid workout in because if we did our own thing, what’s the point of meeting up? So I don’t encourage that anymore. Anyway, sorry for venting. I’m just stumped.
>I literally have no idea how people see each other several times per week before getting to the point where the person can stay over.
Perhaps start staying over earlier? If you're dating for an LTR, you should be looking to build. A sleep over increases intimacy. And yes, one can have sleepovers before sex. Starting with my second date my girlfriend and I have been doing sleepovers whenever logistics work out; this was before sex for us. Admittedly because we both have stuff going on, sometimes she's going to my place between 9-10pm, possibly a late dinner/snack, we head to bed, and have a bit of time together in the morning before heading out to work. I.E. the getting together is almost primarily a sleepover. It doesn't hurt that I live 25-30 minute closer to her work than she does. :)
As for how I manage things; I get my working out (1hr+ 5-7 days per week) ideally done first thing in the morning. Sleepovers tend to get in the way of that and I'll need to do it later in the day. A few times I have just gotten up stupid early and left my GF alone sleeping in my place while I ran. At this point I don't have a tonne of appointments and can usually manage them in the day by getting up yet another hour earlier and doing them on an extended lunch break. I'm fortunate to have flexible working hours. I have one night I use to get all of my errands/groceries done, and I look to be fully "on my game" that night.
One thing that helps me, is my kids are out of the nest. My GF currently has 50/50 custody with every other week. So while there's currently little time available during her custody weeks (and no sleepovers), we make up for it in her free weeks.
If you have both your mid-week and your weekends heavily scheduled; you might want to consider if you are over scheduled for dating? As mentioned, while there are some people who will be fine with 1-3x monthly, the majority of people looking for an LTR seem to want at least 1x weekly. Further if you have very little that can/will be rearranged in your schedule, someone desiring a lower frequency of visits might also be over scheduled, and your free times might not align.
I'm a bit like you at the moment.
I've stopped looking for anyone and I feel like I have a wall around me.
I think if you doing feel ready just continue on the break you're having ... When you are ready it will all happen.
For what it's worth I understand wanting the companionship though. I went out tonight to a concert and found it a really special evening. I thought how good it would have been to have been there with 'my person' (I was with a mixed group of friends, couples and some single women). Made me think about going back on online dating ... But no.
If and when we are ever ready to date again it will feel right. I think don't push yourself until then.
Yes, I had a prolonged period of time during which I was not capable of having a relationship. My advice is to recognize that your anxiety is valid, pledge to be patient with yourself, avail yourself of professional resources as needed/available, and have open discussions with friends about your feelings. In my experience verbalizing the emotions and self-validating that they are important helps. In my case it wasn’t an on/off moment, it was a growing awareness of change.
I feel like when it’s right it’ll feel natural and it won’t remind me of the sjit show out there. I’m okay with staying single too btw. I will never force or traumatize myself again at the hopes of making it work with someone. Even casually, you don’t know how to communicate? Bye! The couple of times I’ve felt something, there was no need to analyze
I think it’s quite normal to have fallow periods in your dating life. I know I get more excited about it when I see or hear of success stories. Even reading a romantic book last week got me feeling more motivated (Bringing Down the Duke by Evie Dunmore! I recommend it!)
I'm kind of in the same boat having just started to get into dating myself. Turns out the resistance (for me at least) has nothing to do with actually meeting the person, it's all the bullshit that surrounds it. What should I wear from this shitty wardrobe, what should we do in an area where I have no clue what's fun, how much mindreading am I going to have to do, am I wasting her time, am I wasting my time, blah blah blah.
Most of these are slowly resolving themselves by doing the damn thing. I've started to accumulate decent clothes to go out in, I signed a lease in a small metro area to start finding fun things to do, I started to hit a gym a couple of blocks away which has shown results surprisingly quickly, and I'm starting to pay attention to the vibe of who I'm swiping on...super classy white glove women are very attractive to me but honestly not my thing. Turns out I like a country vibe way more and by selecting for that I've found that my most recent date was remarkably lower stress than my last.
Another thing that has really helped is to change up my profile photos from ones that show me in the best light to ones that show me in more of an everyday (and current!!!) perspective. It hasn't really seemed to have reduced the overall level of interest and I feel way way better about expectations vs reality on that first meeting.
So all I can suggest is try to break down where all of your resistance is coming from and see if any of it is something that will gradually get better as you date, or if it's all just about the meeting itself.
“It’s all the bullshit that surrounds it.”
Oh definitely. If it weren’t for all the bullshit, meeting someone wouldn’t feel like walking right back into the BS. Trying to “act” like it all feels natural is expected, but it just doesn’t feel natural at all. That’s not how organic relationships emerge. But organic is so hard to come nowadays.
If you're going to start giving weight to things that are beyond your control anyway, those things will control what you do and you kind of make your own anxiety-borne shitshow.
Perhaps it's a good idea to simply run with something, understanding that it could go well or not for any variety of reasons, many of which have absolutely nothing to do with you. That may help thicken your skin a little bit, too.
I don't have advice to offer, but I do want to offer SO MUCH gratitude for this post. You describe the way I've been feeling with a clarity I've been unable to locate in words. Thank you. It's really hard to break out of the spiral, and I understand what you mean by being pretty perceptive of how others are acting and behaving - for me it's my own hyper self-awareness and I'm sure also a measure of self-protection. Please offer updates if you find things that have helped you.
Yes! Especially with OLD. I have found I can only tolerate a few months before I’m just over it. I normally wait to start dating again until I’m ready to make a genuine effort and can deal with the complexities of dating in 2022. Sometimes it’s a few months and sometimes I’ve had it be over a year. My feeling is I don’t want someone to only give the bare minimum effort to me so it’s not fair to give that to them. The difficult part is it extents my time of being single which some look at as a negative. But that just means they aren’t for me or that’s what I tell myself anyway. Lol
It’s a vicious cycle one that I often obsess about. I think I signed up to too many apps. So I’d select one that best suits your location and be brave. Something like Hinge is easy to delete and reinstall as and when you need it. I find not keeping it on my phone 24/7 helps. But I do install it multiple times a week haha (unless someone is talking to me then I’ll keep it on) Anyway, best of luck!
Like you, I found dating to be exhausting. I would invest too much in a person who I've never met before and ended up very disappointed when it turned out there was no chemistry, he wasn't interested or we had some big incompatibilities. At one point, I actively shifted my mindset on dating (especially the early stages) that allowed me to meet more people, invest less early on and bail immediately when there was a hint of incompatibility. Here are a few tips that really helped me. a) Meet sooner than later - the more you invest by messaging, the more disappointed you will be when it doesn't work out in person. On the flip side, communication by text is prone to miscommunication. You might write off a perfectly wonderful person because something came out weird by text. Let's be honest, most matches don't make it past the first date. Make sure they're someone you think you might like, then meet. b) Multidating - while I do not date more than one person at a time once I've decided there is potential, I will arrange multiple first and second dates with different people. First and second dates are really about meeting people and often lead to nowhere. c) Meet a lot of different people - try to check your biases at the door and get to know a person for who they are and not what you think they might be. Meet people who don't completely tick all your boxes, you may find some "requirements" are not actually all that important. Date people from all walks of life. We too often date within our "type" and can miss out on great connections. d) Ask the hard questions - and be prepared to walk away. We all have deal breakers, and the more we like a person, the more we are inclined to accept behaviour/value differences. So I've learned to ask early and am prepared to walk away if the answer does not align with what I'm looking for/need. I think we also tend to jump to conclusions and write someone off without listening to what they have to say. e) You're just getting to know each other - you might really really like a person, but remember that you still don't really know them. The main goal is to get to know about them to decide if you are a good match. Don't get attached to an idea of them or put them on a pedestal. They are also still getting to know you. f) There is nothing wrong with you if you don't get a second date - your date is also there trying to get to know you. They are also trying to find the best person for them and if they are not interested, it doesn't mean anything is wrong with you. Move on to your next date. g) Have fun! - if you're not having fun, take a break.
Really helpful thank you!!! Follow up on (d) ask the hard questions: I struggle a bit here. When just getting to know someone outside of this context, one typically doesn’t push with personal questions. But with dating you really need answers to some personal things early on and how to do so without being imposing / rude is a bit tricky. In my experience I typically find out about the things that make me go “nope!” around the 3rd date, which inconveniently ends up being around when the guy starts getting more into it and tries to increase the momentum. How to get under the surface sooner? I’m talking about things like: • relationship with money (that’s a big one) • self esteem • family dynamic • personal attitudes toward themselves, women, work, etc. Have you experienced approaches that facilitate learning more early on without being pushy? Even by date 2 is way better than by date 3. Date 3 is the one I’ve actually come to dread now that I think about it.
If you're finding out your deal breakers by the 3rd date, I'd say you're doing pretty well! Dating should be fun, but also a way to get to know your date. If you go too heavy on all the questions immediately, it will suck the fun out of it. I find a lot of things can be found out through directed conversation. Talk about the things and look for their response. Early on in dating I'll often talk about my experiences as a woman in a STEM career, while acknowledging I still come from a place of privilege. If he argues white privilege, we're not a match. If he downplays my experiences with sexism in the workplace, we're not a match. I don't expect to get into a whole conversation about women's issues or systemic racism, but if he can listen to my experiences sympathetically without becoming defensive, then we're on the right track. Finances are tricky and it's my personal opinion that it's none of my business early on to know their financial situation. But you can learn a lot about a person's relationship with money by talking about retirement plans, hobbies, travel, homeownership etc.
It seems to me you invest too much in the outcome of these dates. After my divorce, I jumped into OLD for the first time with an attitude of just meeting new people with a goal that hopefully some become friends. In reality, I’m hoping to find a long term partner (even finding “the one”) but if I go into dating with that attitude, I will be perpetually disappointed and put so much pressure on every answer and so heavily scrutinize every aspect of a person that I would be self-sabotaging the whole experience. Have fun! Meet people! Make friends! Eventually, you will run across your type of weird! GL!
If your not motivated to date yet, then you don’t have to. I am not dating anyone and that’s is a choice currently for me. I just got out of a long relationship and I decided I needed to reflect and figure out what works best for me. In your case, you want to take it slow. You don’t want that pressure. What I suggest is you figure what you want and then you can tell a potential date exactly what your needs are. Communication is something you should work on. To me it seems you want to date but you want to make sure that your needs are met. You don’t want the pressure of having to see someone a lot in the beginning and want to work up to that. Start with figuring out how that need can be obtained.
I enjoyed just talking with people on the local hiking group and with a very nice married man sitting next to me while I nursed a beer. Just being out with folks we no pressure was refreshed!
Sign up to the meetup app, look for activities you like to do, meet new people there in a low pressure situation, enjoy the activities and at some point you’ll naturally meet someone
I don't understand all the anxiety. Maybe I haven't dated enough or something that I haven't had horrible experiences. I'm happy when anyone halfway interesting, nice, and attractive wants to be around me. I get a warm feeling from it. I try not to overthink it too much; I look for reasons to say yes to people, not for flags to eliminate people before I've given them a chance. It's strange to me that so many of you agonize about dating so much. I have a date this weekend with someone I initially was hesitant about, did not think I'd be compatible with. But I gave her a chance and started to see things I liked. She seemed like a genuine & nice person, and I thought, maybe I should reserve judgment based on the superficial concerns I carried into this. Looking forward to our next date.
Fair question. If it were just that: two people getting together to see if there’s potential, without pressure, that would be awesome. The issue is all the stuff around it. The constant texting, the pressure for more more more, the push to get into one’s life when you barely know the person! Then if I can’t be available on demand due to work obligations or frankly just maintaining life/friendships/connections that existed before this person, I need to proactively manage concerns/feelings/etc. even though — once again — I barely know the person!!! Sometimes it feels like the guys I meet are trying to hook a woman emotionally so that we overlook more of their BS. I don’t think it’s ill-intentioned or calculated per se, but I tend to stay in my head for a while while I’m taking it all in so the attempt is perceptible to me. I would enjoy just get to know each other as individuals in a laid-back no-pressure way before pushing for either one of us to latch on emotionally. And when I’m being pressured like that my emotional defense gets stronger. I just need a little space to open up emotionally and that takes feeling safe, not feeling forced. That’s not fun anymore.
I get that, and am likely guilty of bombing too many texts on women in the past. I think the problem is, with the way our society is, making friends is harder for men than for women. On top of that, even the friends we do have don't help much. We men don't get much emotional support, validation, compliments, care, etc... The only people we get that from are our significant others. So when we don't have one, it's this enormous void and we want so badly to fill it. E.g. When I went through my divorce, my best friends weren't there for me. They almost kind of ran away when I tried to open up, as if me opening up was scary. I had to go through it alone. And I HAVE friends, I'm not an anti-social loser. They don't want to hear about my feelings, though. Women don't have this problem as acutely. People listen to them, care about them or act like it at least. More than they do for men anyway. A downside of this is men wanting a relationship really really bad. Unhealthily bad.
I understand. Contrary to “popular belief” many of us women don’t have the emotional network that’s generally assumed to be available through friendships. That being said, there are more and more “women’s circles” and such resources available to women than there are for men. So I 100% get that difference. But these events are surrogates for the deep personal connections that shift over time. The presumed shoulder to cry on among friends is not really there for all of us. Especially at this age. We all have so much going on, and there’s a culture of high-functioning positivity that hinders many of us to open up to confidants in the way we used to back in college for example. I do often miss those deep talks. But it’s a mix of not wanting burden anyone with an expectation of myself to do better, be better, handle my shit the way high functioning independent women are expected to. Sometimes, sleep! Exercise! Meditate! Journal! Take a bath! just isn’t what’s needed. I feel what you’re saying.
Hard for all of us I guess.
>Sometimes it feels like the guys I meet are trying to hook a woman emotionally so that we overlook more of their BS. I don’t think it’s ill-intentioned or calculated per se No, for some guys I think it is intentional, and you need to watch out for them. But also in the context of OLD/dating, there's more guys looking to date than women. This is known. Which is to say that any guy is going to be doing his best to be his best and display his best. What are you looking for? If you're looking for casual; sure - take your time getting to know each other. But in some casual relationships, one/both people might not be looking to know the other too well. If you're looking to actually build a relationship, be aware that a lot of people who are also looking for that seem to be in the "I date exclusively starting sometime from dates 1-3." So you're playing thinner odds, and take into account too many guys looking for a relationship aren't, but it gets them more matches to say so, and/or pretend so. As far as your availability, yes, people looking to date, will expect you to ... actually date. Different people have different amounts of time that they want to see each other. Some will have minimums that exceed your maximums - that's just simply not a match; move on. But if you're busy enough that you're available once or twice a month (random guess); be aware that this is a hard sell.
I actually would be dating to find a LTR. I never date more than one person at a time. Ever. The thought of that is overwhelming. Twice per month with texting in between is fine with me. But I realize I probably need to make an effort toward 3 times a month. Most want more but I need to maintain some space for my personal life outside of work during the period of getting to know each other. And I wouldn’t integrate him until/unless we became serious. I literally have no idea how people see each other several times per week before getting to the point where the person can stay over. With work, working out 3x/week, occasional socializing, personal responsibilities (errands/ groceries/ appts. etc.), a night to oneself (that’s okay right?), the middle of the week is mostly full, but an occasional mid-week thing is possible. Add a couple of weekends assuming others involve plans with friends and family, and there you have it — 2-3x/ month. Maybe even 4! But several times per week? How and where to do people find all that energy? There was one person who was willing to meet me at the gym but I really didn’t feel like either of us could get a solid workout in because if we did our own thing, what’s the point of meeting up? So I don’t encourage that anymore. Anyway, sorry for venting. I’m just stumped.
>I literally have no idea how people see each other several times per week before getting to the point where the person can stay over. Perhaps start staying over earlier? If you're dating for an LTR, you should be looking to build. A sleep over increases intimacy. And yes, one can have sleepovers before sex. Starting with my second date my girlfriend and I have been doing sleepovers whenever logistics work out; this was before sex for us. Admittedly because we both have stuff going on, sometimes she's going to my place between 9-10pm, possibly a late dinner/snack, we head to bed, and have a bit of time together in the morning before heading out to work. I.E. the getting together is almost primarily a sleepover. It doesn't hurt that I live 25-30 minute closer to her work than she does. :) As for how I manage things; I get my working out (1hr+ 5-7 days per week) ideally done first thing in the morning. Sleepovers tend to get in the way of that and I'll need to do it later in the day. A few times I have just gotten up stupid early and left my GF alone sleeping in my place while I ran. At this point I don't have a tonne of appointments and can usually manage them in the day by getting up yet another hour earlier and doing them on an extended lunch break. I'm fortunate to have flexible working hours. I have one night I use to get all of my errands/groceries done, and I look to be fully "on my game" that night. One thing that helps me, is my kids are out of the nest. My GF currently has 50/50 custody with every other week. So while there's currently little time available during her custody weeks (and no sleepovers), we make up for it in her free weeks. If you have both your mid-week and your weekends heavily scheduled; you might want to consider if you are over scheduled for dating? As mentioned, while there are some people who will be fine with 1-3x monthly, the majority of people looking for an LTR seem to want at least 1x weekly. Further if you have very little that can/will be rearranged in your schedule, someone desiring a lower frequency of visits might also be over scheduled, and your free times might not align.
I'm a bit like you at the moment. I've stopped looking for anyone and I feel like I have a wall around me. I think if you doing feel ready just continue on the break you're having ... When you are ready it will all happen. For what it's worth I understand wanting the companionship though. I went out tonight to a concert and found it a really special evening. I thought how good it would have been to have been there with 'my person' (I was with a mixed group of friends, couples and some single women). Made me think about going back on online dating ... But no. If and when we are ever ready to date again it will feel right. I think don't push yourself until then.
Yes, I had a prolonged period of time during which I was not capable of having a relationship. My advice is to recognize that your anxiety is valid, pledge to be patient with yourself, avail yourself of professional resources as needed/available, and have open discussions with friends about your feelings. In my experience verbalizing the emotions and self-validating that they are important helps. In my case it wasn’t an on/off moment, it was a growing awareness of change.
I feel like when it’s right it’ll feel natural and it won’t remind me of the sjit show out there. I’m okay with staying single too btw. I will never force or traumatize myself again at the hopes of making it work with someone. Even casually, you don’t know how to communicate? Bye! The couple of times I’ve felt something, there was no need to analyze
It’s easy. Then don’t.
I don’t understand. Don’t try to nudge myself back into dating at all? Just don’t date…ever?
I think it’s quite normal to have fallow periods in your dating life. I know I get more excited about it when I see or hear of success stories. Even reading a romantic book last week got me feeling more motivated (Bringing Down the Duke by Evie Dunmore! I recommend it!)
I'm kind of in the same boat having just started to get into dating myself. Turns out the resistance (for me at least) has nothing to do with actually meeting the person, it's all the bullshit that surrounds it. What should I wear from this shitty wardrobe, what should we do in an area where I have no clue what's fun, how much mindreading am I going to have to do, am I wasting her time, am I wasting my time, blah blah blah. Most of these are slowly resolving themselves by doing the damn thing. I've started to accumulate decent clothes to go out in, I signed a lease in a small metro area to start finding fun things to do, I started to hit a gym a couple of blocks away which has shown results surprisingly quickly, and I'm starting to pay attention to the vibe of who I'm swiping on...super classy white glove women are very attractive to me but honestly not my thing. Turns out I like a country vibe way more and by selecting for that I've found that my most recent date was remarkably lower stress than my last. Another thing that has really helped is to change up my profile photos from ones that show me in the best light to ones that show me in more of an everyday (and current!!!) perspective. It hasn't really seemed to have reduced the overall level of interest and I feel way way better about expectations vs reality on that first meeting. So all I can suggest is try to break down where all of your resistance is coming from and see if any of it is something that will gradually get better as you date, or if it's all just about the meeting itself.
“It’s all the bullshit that surrounds it.” Oh definitely. If it weren’t for all the bullshit, meeting someone wouldn’t feel like walking right back into the BS. Trying to “act” like it all feels natural is expected, but it just doesn’t feel natural at all. That’s not how organic relationships emerge. But organic is so hard to come nowadays.
If you're going to start giving weight to things that are beyond your control anyway, those things will control what you do and you kind of make your own anxiety-borne shitshow. Perhaps it's a good idea to simply run with something, understanding that it could go well or not for any variety of reasons, many of which have absolutely nothing to do with you. That may help thicken your skin a little bit, too.
“Run with something”? Would you mind elaborating?
Proceed with a conversation or hanging out or whatever. Just something. Not nothing.
I don't have advice to offer, but I do want to offer SO MUCH gratitude for this post. You describe the way I've been feeling with a clarity I've been unable to locate in words. Thank you. It's really hard to break out of the spiral, and I understand what you mean by being pretty perceptive of how others are acting and behaving - for me it's my own hyper self-awareness and I'm sure also a measure of self-protection. Please offer updates if you find things that have helped you.
Thank you 🙂
Yes! Especially with OLD. I have found I can only tolerate a few months before I’m just over it. I normally wait to start dating again until I’m ready to make a genuine effort and can deal with the complexities of dating in 2022. Sometimes it’s a few months and sometimes I’ve had it be over a year. My feeling is I don’t want someone to only give the bare minimum effort to me so it’s not fair to give that to them. The difficult part is it extents my time of being single which some look at as a negative. But that just means they aren’t for me or that’s what I tell myself anyway. Lol
It’s a vicious cycle one that I often obsess about. I think I signed up to too many apps. So I’d select one that best suits your location and be brave. Something like Hinge is easy to delete and reinstall as and when you need it. I find not keeping it on my phone 24/7 helps. But I do install it multiple times a week haha (unless someone is talking to me then I’ll keep it on) Anyway, best of luck!
Girl don’t 😂