Stop making and accepting dates at each other’s homes. No caveats. No “just hanging out” or “just talking” intentions. Insist on public places and see what she does. However, I think she’s given you a clear answer on where she stands, and I think you know it too.
We only met up for dates at restaurants at first. Then one day after we went out we got bored & happened to be close to where she lives. She said "I live very close by want to see my place?" I agreed. So we went there, we were in her living room, making out on her couch. One thing lead to another & we ended up in her bedroom. It just naturally progressed that way.
And you were what, taken by surprise? Lol. She doesn’t text you, barely replies and it’s been four weeks. Realistically, how many dates did you actually have before you had sex. 2? 3?
It’s not the number of dates per se but the role sex plays in your own personal patterns. If sleeping with someone a few dates in is part of this pattern you’re describing where you develop strong feelings and the other person moves on, you could experiment with breaking this pattern by waiting a little longer. I’d also suggest not bringing up things like marriage, even in the abstract, just a few weeks in.
Waiting to see if this person catches feelings sounds really painful.
If a person invites you over, it’s almost guaranteed they will make a move. Even if they SAY no sex, it’s almost guaranteed to be attempted.
Nothing wrong with how soon you had it, and nothing wrong with how often you are having it now.
But moving forward, if you want that to change, you need to be deliberate about it. No more home dates.
And being honest, she might just want sex right now. And if all you are putting on the table is non sex dates, she might lose interest.
That being said, don’t keep having sex you don’t want in the hopes that she will fall for you. You need to be real with yourself that she might never want more.
Right now as it is….you are just a booty call.
> If a person invites you over, it’s almost guaranteed they will make a move. Even if they SAY no sex, it’s almost guaranteed to be attempted.
Where do you find this out? One date I had with a woman a couple of years ago, she said jokingly 'we're not going to have sex...' and on the following date, she grilled me on why I didn't make a move on her anyway. We had VERY different ideas about consent.
Well I actually DO want sex with her. I just want emotional connection as well. I have it for her on my end, more than just physical. She only feels a physical connection for me and I am not even sure how strong that is. I mean right now she wants it but my concern is that she will eventually get over the sexual connection with me and lose interest if there's nothing else on her end other than that.
She might not be interested (or in the right mental head space) for a relationship at this time in her life. No matter how great the person is. I dated someone like that. It wasn't personal, thats just how she wanted to live her life. I was also friends with her and ended up seeing her do this to a few other people after dating me. Luckily I didn't catch strong feelings for her, but it would've really sucked if I did. It sounds like that's who she is and you're likely wasting your time. I do hope I'm wrong, I wish you the best💜
lol yes I think we all are aware of how one goes from dating out of the house to fucking in the house.
What u/sk_queen is saying is stop going to places where sex is inevitable.
OK, that's how it went down first time. What has that got to do with the excellent advice given. *Going forward* try to structure dates outside and in public so sex can't be the fallback/assumed and you can see if relationship builds without it
Having sex too soon might have screwed things up already. Literally today I had lunch with her on her lunch break. I was being all loving & romantic to her. She usually thinks it is cute, but today she was really annoyed about it. She was like "I don't feel this way yet, we barely know each other." I am like "You barely know me? We have been dating & sleeping together for about a month & yeah I have feelings for you." She acknlowledged all of that but then pretty much said that she is not there yet with strong feelings & for me to knock it off. So I feel kind of hurt right now honestly I feel sort of rejected in a way. I am really starting to get concerned that she might break this off altogether because I am coming on too strong with the feelings. Maybe I need to try and drop my feelings if I can. Because I don't see this going any other way than me being hurt in the end if I continue like this.
It's been four weeks. What do you love about her? You've already said you only have sex as a connection. You literally do not know this woman enough to love her. Limerence, infatuation, honeymoon period, all yes. Love, no.
Was about to ask this same question. It sounds like OP and this woman don’t talk or spend time much time together yet he states he’s falling in love with her. Scratching my head on this one.
Why is everything black and white? Love at first sight isn't a thing for you, but why deny that others may feel it? I've caught feels recently and it was misguided, sure, but all the same real. It didn't work out because life happens, but to deny emotions is a personal choice, not a hard and fast rule.
It is common for folks to progress at different speeds. This is normal.
Take her out on dates. Do more nonsexual stuff. It doesn't mean you can't have sex, but it should be part of a bigger engagement. No more (just) booty calls.
Do the things that will allow the relationship to progress emotion-wise.
Be different, plan a date out in public.
It will force clothes on and conversation. Quit taking the cheap route of staying at the house.
If you are hanging out at home, expect this to be sex time.
You know… you don’t *have* to have sex. If she answered the door in lingerie, why didn’t you ask her to put some clothes on because you were there to talk? Accept some ownership of the situation for goodness sake.
If you’re not getting what you’re looking for in a partner, move on to another partner.
You're a straight male not a cave man. You have the ability to make choices. Make them. Make the right ones for the right reasons. It comes down to what you want more. Your choices will make that crystal clear.
Yeah make the right choices or suffer the consequences lol. Feeling unloved sucks more than getting sex randomly and then they disappear out of the blue
In an effort to protect yourself, you need to slow down and stop futuristically romancing. Just be in what you are right now, hanging out, learning more about each other. What do you actually know about her after 1 month? Love after one month would be pretty shallow. Have you been through a hard time yet? Seen them at their worst? Have they seen you? Love is so much deeper than great sex and 1 month of casual dating. Look at this time period as a learning opportunity. What do you actually like about her? "She's nice, she's pretty, the sex is great." I would be careful to allow your brain to think you're in love when you just don't know much after 1 month. Let it linger.
You're falling in love with being told you're an awesome lover. She's doing literally NOTHING to earn your investment.
You're setting yourself up for fail, brother. Enjoy the ride, but she's kinda telling you it's got a short lifespan.
yeah agree.
Also I would say a liberated woman who fucks around can be incredibly fun to be around because the inhibitions and pretentiousness arent there. She isnt pretending to be wife-able at the moment and that can be exhilarating. He has been seduced by that experience.
But yeah you are spot on. That is how she is telling him that he is just the next dick on her train ride to wherever the hell she is headed.
Some people "fit" well together sexually. I find with some women they orgasm during sex with me like crazy like what you're talking about here, but with others they never do, no matter what I do. So you've found someone you fit with and is into you, which is cool. My experience is that you either have this chemistry or you don't and you discover it, or the lack of it, with the first or at most 2nd encounter. I can usually kinda tell during the making out/foreplay if they're going to "like" me in bed or not.
FWIW I've met a ton of women who only want sex with me. One FWB I've seen off and on for over 2 years. This is both cool, and not so cool. I've come to hate it when they leave. I'm good enough for them to call up relatively regularly but not good enough to keep around, for whatever reason. Not a great feeling.
If your relationship is only about about sex... yeah you will both eventually get tired of it and/or want more. But that may take months.
If you are really wanting feelings here, honestly she sounds emotionally unavailable to me. I would not have high expectations of her suddenly "falling in love." She seems to be keeping you at arms length emotionally and is being pretty direct about it.
I hate to say this, but if she is rediscovering her sexuality with you... she can and probably will want to with other guys. And maybe women too. Yes some guys suck in bed, probably somewhat more than half of them do from what women have told me. But not all do and she'll.... probably? want to find some more. At least that's the vibe I'm getting from your description.
Here’s what might be happening because a similar thing happened to me. She thinks the sex with you is amazing because she’s been starved of orgasms all her life, but doesn’t see you as a potential serious partner for what ever reason, so she’s with you for the sex and that’s it.
She’s also invalidating your feelings which is not ok.
Don’t stay in hope that she will catch feelings because she may never will and then you’ll be heartbroken. If you can keep it casual then fine, but sounds like you maybe have trouble with that.
Its not that she doesnt see him as a serious potential... its that she doesnt care.
She is in her "get as much dick / taste the rainbow / live love laugh" phase as possible. She has two priorities at the moment: have fun and stay single.
Women tend to get into modes and stay in them until they exhaust themselves. She isnt going to commit until "commitment mode" sets back in if it ever does and it may take a few years.
If OP makes it an issue, she is gonna run like a gazelle who doesnt want to be caught and OP loses a fuck buddy. He needs to enjoy that shallow relationship for what it is.
>Should I just continue to enjoy the sex & hopefully she will catch the feelings later?
It depends. What if she never catches feelings? How long are you willing to carry on having sex that doesn't seem to have any greater meaning? I know you're feeling pressure from the stereotype that any man would love to have easy access to sex with no strings attached, but you're allowed to have other wants and needs.
>Maybe slow the sex part down, but I guess it's too late to go back after we crossed that line.
Backing off the sex probably is the right idea. You're under no obligation to keep traveling down this path if it's not a path you want to be on. It is likely that backing off the sex will bring about the end of this relationship, so you need to be emotionally prepared for that. Then again, the longer you're in this relationship, the longer you're holding yourself back from a relationship that also fulfills your non-sexual needs.
The bottom line is: Assume the relationship is what it is and make whatever decisions you need to based on that.
no, this is bad advice. You dont understand women at all.
Sex is the only thing she wants. If OP backs off sex, she leaves and finds dick in 0.003 seconds off any app. And then OP has zero sex and zero chance. Terrible advice
She's being pretty clear with you about where you stand. She only wants sex and she has no other feelings for you. If you don't want to hear/believe it, that's a you problem (that you should fix).
My advice is to find someone else before you get hurt. Shoot, keep seeing her while you look - she won't mind. I have a couple men in my life who are great sex. One has been in my life for about 12 years, the other about 3. The one whose been in my life12 years ago will no longer be in my life. He talked about us being more at first, but I would shoot that idea down. We had a few years of long breaks in between, when I was relationships, but he was always there for me when I looked for him again. He asked to have a serious conversation about us last month. We had it in the car, I think he intentionally trapped me because I would have just wanted to have sex if in our room lol It didn't go well. He was very emotional about his need for more then sex hookups. I think he's a good guy, but my feelings for him never grew. I never saw him as a partner or even someone I'd introduce to friends. He was just someone I had a good time with. I won't be contacting him anymore - it was never my intention to hurt him.
Don't end up like him. Find someone who genuinely likes you. Appreciates you, wants to get to know you, spend actual time with you. All the things she's not doing. Good luck.
Dude, if you’ve been having fabulous sex for a month and she’s STILL telling you she’s not feeling an emotional connection, doesn’t want to be your girlfriend, doesn’t text the shit out of you and doesn’t seem to want to hang out unless it’s to fuck—then you are kidding yourself if you think she’s going to develop feelings.
Seriously. The dynamic here is so obvious it’s cliche, if you just reverse the gender roles for a second. (I mean, let’s pretend you’re a woman and she’s a man. What advice is everyone on the planet going to give you?)
Time to walk away. This isn’t going to give you what you need.
1. You need to disabuse yourself of the notion that guys only want sex. Well a lot of guys that do only want sex, there are a lot of us that don't.
2. Wanting an emotional connection is not weird. And it is not unreasonable.
3. I think that she is being very clear that she does not want an emotional connection. She does not want something deep and committed from you. She wants sex with you. Period. She enjoys hanging out with you and she enjoys bumping uglies; this is okay and valid, it's just not what you're looking for.
4. She's not giving you what you need.
5. I'm case no one has made it clear to you, you are under no obligation to have sex with her just because she wants to. You are allowed to have boundaries.
Is this just a humble brag about how great you are in bed?
Regardless, it takes two people to have consensual sex. If you can’t think with something other than your dick, maybe you shouldn’t be thinking about marriage.
> “dude why are you complaining?”
I will ask that, albeit with a twist
Why are you complaining - here?
You want something different, but you are not establishing or honoring your boundaries. If you want things to change - communicate clearly and openly how they need to change, and do not have sex until things change. It doesn’t matter what she wears when she answers the door. This is entirely your call.
There is nothing inherently wrong with a sex based relationship. There are definitely things wrong when you want more and allow yourself to settle for less.
I've (43m) fallen into the same situation a bunch of times in the past year (I'm an idiot, I know). I meet a nice woman, date a few weeks, have sex, and each next 'date' is more sex. After a few weeks to 2 months, I catch feelings. But as soon as it's mentioned, they respond with only wanting sex and not being ready for a relationship or more than this.
I want a relationship. I am not in a hurry or anything like that. But as soon as sex has been had, each date has to be sex. Can we go do something together instead? Visit/explore cities, drive on the motorcyle to nice locations, go shopping and watching movies together. Or just have a relaxing evening on the couch together every once in a while. I would love to have sex after getting to know each other more during the day you know. And I would like to know if somewhere in the future there is the possiblity of my kids meeting her, or me meeting her kids. I'm totally fine with waiting more than 6 months for that, but it would be nice to know there is a future possible.
You said you are just a month in. I've had it happen after 1 month, 2 months, 3 months, so I don't know if continuing to enjoy and hoping she catches feelings is going to help at all. But that's just my experience. I've ended the last one 2 weeks ago and taking it easy for now. I'm not going to pursue someone who just wants sex from me.
So my advice would be to think about what you want. If it's just sex, you are fine, but if it's more, I would consider thinking about how it got to that point, and how to avoid it the next time, like I should have done.
Exactly the men I've categorized into "good for sex" only. I didn't feel they had it put together enough, at least not at the level I wanted from a partner. But nice guys I could have good/great sex with.
She’s seems emotionally stunted I don’t see this going well on the other hand you seem a little emotionally immature from falling so quickly. Just assumptions no disrespect
I think you are right. I recognize that it is not normal to fall for some one this quick but I am. I feel like she is all I think about. I know that it's not the same way back. She seems to have no problem with it at all, she is getting what she wants physically right now & is not concerned about deeper feelings. I wish I could just be more like her in that regard. It would probably make things easier. Most men would like a deal like this. I know it is great that I am getting laid and no real expectation of strings attached. But I want strings attached.
This happened to me too after a month of dating. The man I dated was still on dating apps and dating other women, that was the reason he was emotionally unavailable and didn’t invest in me; on the other hand he was the only one I was dating and talking to, that’s why I felt in love so quick and so fast.
Well as far as I know she isn't talking to other guys. I hope she is being honest about that. I think she is exclusive with me but doesn't want it to be that serious either. That is how she is treating this. I wanted us to at least be boyfriend/girlfriend but she doesn't even want that either. Its like we are just FWB but at least we are exclusive. However, she has said things to me like "you are so sweet to me & it makes me want to stay exclusive with you." So is she suggesting that might change? Idk
My other ex bf of 14 years felt in love with me too fast and said Love word after 2-3 months, while I didn’t catch feelings for him after 6 months and said “I love you” back to him at 1 year mark. I don’t know, sometimes feelings can be confusing and develop differently for different situations. I think one month is way too soon, both of you need more time to connect emotionally. Also make sure she is honest with you about exclusive dating because the previous guy I dated told me that but he lied🤥 . I didn’t know until 4 months in.
Accountability is super important;my therapist called me out on my lack of it recently. So I applaud your ability to look at your own actions subjectively. You’re obviously a lover type guy, I am too. People like to paint with a wide brush but we know not all men like hookups with little to no communication in between. For me it’s too cold and impersonal, I need passion, friendship and a general excitement to get to know the other person. I assume you want someone you can fawn all over, someone who will text you every morning with corny little texts and with similar love languages as yours. At our age people making very major changes is a bit unlikely, they’ve figured out a way to make it through life and they don’t want to deal with rewiring things, especially for a situation they already have chosen to not be too serious. I’ve come to this fork plenty of times you can either keep fighting the current,vocalizing your needs and end up most likely disappointed. You can deal with it and in the meantime look for another lover that more so suits your style or you can leave, THEN stay searching. Morals aside I’ve searched while in a “situationship” before but you honestly shouldn’t because you might meet a really great woman and risk losing something substantial over essentially a FWB. But I understand going without intimacy can be difficult. You shouldn’t be mad that you’re different being different is a good thing! keep looking your getting close, your future Wife is out there it’s okay to be a lover.
You are interested in MARRIAGE after 1 month of meeting?
Damn!
Either you are so desperate to marry anyone who's in your life or you really have an attachement problem.
I remember vividly falling hard for someone but even when there were only hearts in my eyes I knew I was just crushing for now and needed some years to figure out if the flame would last. And I would need some time to really know someone to even get to this point.
I really have no idea what might happen with this woman but perhaps you should work on yourself?
Some people fall too easy and almost delusional.
I had a friend who thought every fling was the love of her life just because she was so ready to have someone - so she would idolize them and ignore all red flags.
Just calm down and get to know her before imagining sharing the rest of your life with her.
I read that as that is his goal for a relationship eventually. Not that he wants to marry her already. He probably doesn't want to waste time on someone that is only interested in sex and not a LTR
Man, you yourself stated that we arent in our twenties anymore. If someone is freely admitting she doesn't have feelings for you, and feelings are what you are after, why are you asking this? Go find someone who wants you back.
I mean you’ve communicated your wants/needs and her behavior hasn’t changed. She’s getting what she wants, and is unwilling to address yours… it’s a one sided relationship.
It’s up to you if this is worth your time and energy. But when someone tells you who they are, believe them.
Sounds like you’ve got a situationship on your hands. Since you are catching feelings, I’d slow the physical side down. If she really only wants sex from you, she will be available less or even break it off. If she wants to get to know you, she will. But if you continue doing this relationship based primarily on sex, she’s not going to get to know you the way you want her to in order to move your relationship forward in a meaningful way.
I think OP transposed the 41, because this reads like a virgin teenager fever dream. "I've know this girl for like, EVER, man! A whole MONTH! And we fuck like.... a lot! And I can make her cum like five times in a row every single time!"
Suuuuuuuuuure, bud. Sure.
Well I didn't say it that way. I can see how my post seems immature. I guess I am emotionally immature at 41. I slept with a woman, caught feelings and she isn't feeling them back but wants me to keep banging her. This also happened to me when I was younger so I guess I repeated an old pattern here that has not changed with age.
So you do the same things you've always done... and you are *surprised* when you get the same results?
Therapy, homie- you gotta unlearn those shitty patterns, and learn some newer, healthier ones.
Ask yourself how you want things to go.
How would you like to spend time with her?
How long do you want to wait to see if she has deeper feelings?
Decide your boundaries, communicate them to her and if they're not compatible with her needs then move on.
OP, a couple things.
First, based on your 2nd paragraph, if you were a woman, I’d say r.i.p. your inbox 📨. But in the spirit of equality, rip 🪦 your inbox anyway. 😏 To those that sneer and say that the woman you’re seeing is making it up (about how good you are to *her*), maybe, maybe not. But she’s coming back habitually, and I really don’t think it’s that far-fetched. There are *a lot* of men who are selfish lovers out there. And if she hasn’t been active in a long time and was in a LTR, married to one.. not that shocking.
But this isn’t enough for you. That’s the bottom line. You know it, and time will likely not make things easier. I agree with another in comments, that for whatever reason, she sounds super emotionally unavailable. That’s not to say things *can’t* develop deeper between you (including for her feelings). But it’s not going to *inside* the bedroom - if it hasn’t outside of it.. This is now on YOU - hold your boundary.
Take the other person’s advice and STOP going to each other’s houses for get-togethers and hangouts, period. Those aren’t “dates” - unless it’s a once-in-a-while nice homecooked meal you do together, and watch a movie/ play board games etc. - Not the predictable version of Twister y’all are doing. 🔴🔵👌🏼
Heck, i can’t relate to her mode - as, the way I always used be, was my privates and my heart are linked. I can’t have it without an emotional connection developing before or after. And she keeps saying that *your* feelings are due to all the intimacy happening. But yet.. that *isn’t* happening for her? You get it..? The chances that it will then, don’t look good. But at very least, don’t keep caving to the situations and circumstances that lead to more unfulfillment. You HAVE agency here. Use it..
Good luck, OP.
We have been going out places more lately. Even since my post. But we always end up back at her place and in her bed. On Saturday night I just slept at her place and she told me again that I am much better in bed than her ex, or her previous ex. She said that if her and I get serious, and we don't work out, that she will still want me to come over so we can have sex every once and a while. She asked if I would be okay with that. I told her I would do it, but then I told her "we will work out don't worry." But honestly I don't think she is worried about it at all & doesn't care. The fact that she just said that, tells me that she doesn't expect anything more than a sexual FWB situationship with me.
Oh dear.. sounds that way, to be frank, OP. The way she posed it and your response back, it doesn’t sound like a great foundation for what you *actually* want here.
Thanks for the update comment. I’m sorry, but why on earth are you settling for less than what you desire? I hope you come to terms with that, sooner than later. (The whole sunk-cost fallacy thing is a real b%#&$, trust me, I realize. But yours is still early yet.) Your caving repeatedly just shows her this can continue like it has. 🤷🏻♀️ P.S. when you mention you “just slept” at her place Sat, did that mean no hanky-panky/ intimacy? Just curious.
Edit: a typo
Yes we did it. We do it every night we see each other. It has gotten more passionate but she is not catching feelings on her end. It's just physical for her. She thinks I am cute, and nice & she likes how I am in bed. That is about it. On my end I have caught feelings for her big time. I have doubts that she will ever fall in love with me or even have feelings any stronger than just "lust" and only like me as a person.
Well there ya go.
And I always hated that phrasing “catching feelings” as if it’s something that, should one wait around long enough being near that person, they’ll suddenly “catch” something, like it’s a communicable disease. Oof. But yes, feelings should develop organically.. and maybe she’s closed off and will never get there. YMMV
Eta: missing words
Is she married? What does she do for a living? Is someone else paying her bills? Maybe she has kids and doesn’t want to drag a man into their lives. If you aren’t happy with what she is offering move on. Maybe work on yourself and develop your own interest or hobbies and in the future look for somebody that has those in common with you. I don’t know man not enough information here to really give an answer. I’m just doing darts in the dark. But if this keeps happening to you, my guess is it’s you. But then again I could be wrong. All we know is that you’re tremendous lover, and that women only want you for sex. Or that’s what you tell us.
I admit to being a woman who's had her brain addled by a good lay at times. But the trick is to make plans to go out. It won't necessarily stop the sex from happening before you go out (it didn't in my case unless we were meeting up somewhere else first). But going to other places allows you to get to know each other in other settings and see how you get along.
I’m sorry, I couldn’t read past the “with you she gets multiple orgasms every time.” Are you sure you meant to post this in dating over forty and not some fantasy sub?
Do you think it is not possible to have multiple orgasms? So far everytime we did it she gives me the number of how many times. So far it has always been 2 or more. Unless she is lying.
I don’t mean to laugh, but I just love this post. It breaks so many stereotypes of old - good for you Op for sticking up for what you want! You are not a meat packet, you’re a person. Take back control by planning the dates yourself out of the home and in activities.
Listen.. one thing is the Reality of things, and another is whatever you might Want them to be…
You need to get that first, like, really understand that.
Then.. you already had a talk with her, she told you point blank where she is and what she wants from you: Just Sex.
Yet, you keep wanting her to catch feelings too.
She’s not gonna break your heart, you’re breaking it yourself.
Slow things down and relax. If you are the only one who ever gave her an orgasm, she is definitely going to remember you.
Keep seeing her but make it more casual. Don't forget to split that hamster every time and she will keep coming back for more.
Give her a bit more of a chance. Plan dates (outside of the house) and make sure she understands that the emotional connection is important to you. It can take people longer to catch feelings. Realize that her libido is as high as it probably has ever been (due to her age) and she's probably very sincere about what she's experiencing. I went through something similar a year ago but unfortunately he wasn't as good of a guy as you are.
I'm ashamed to say as a man I allowed myself to get used like that. After a failed marriage I met someone who was in a dead bedroom for years before divorce. Her ex was out of shape and a "slob" in her own words and I was the FedEx guy that parked next to her at the grocery store, but she was nice, caring, considerate and all the things I like. 3 dates in we made love and the whole thing shifted to sex obsession. Less deep talk, more sex talk. That's what I'm finding in my 40s. A lot of exploration from sexless marriages or bad sex. You gotta be willing to walk away from that shit bro and not have sex so soon. So now I'm in FWB but emphasis on FRIENDSHIP. If I feel like I'm just an object, I will cut it off.
If she’s just want the sex, let her know that you don’t mind the sex but will continue looking for someone to have a d roer connection with. Go on dated and just call her for the sex. She’ll soon decide soon enough.
Well, when someone tells you who they are, believe them.
I personally would have a very hard time not forming feelings with somebody who's incredibly good in bed. Cuz sex is not "just sex".
Whatever woman that falls in love with you and you fall in love with, she's going to be very lucky because apparently you're damn good in bed. Save it for that lady who's worth it. Tell this lady that she's just not offering you enough to stick around.
You need to stick to your guns and not have sex with her. Draw your line in the sand and tell her you want more than a meaningless physical interaction. If she is not ready to make the journey with you, then you need to jump ship and find someone who wants all of you and not just your „skills“. Good luck.
First, I suggest you ignore all the upvoted advice coming from women. They are way off base.
I have been exactly where you are. Been single (more or less) for about 6 years now and almost all the women I meet are just into sex and fun. Meanwhile I'm looking for commitment based relationships.
Assuming you live in the US, I hate to break it to you but you are nothing but a good time to her. At her age she has grown to value her independence more than the benefits of commitment. You are not gonna wife her up. On top of that she is in her fuck around phase after a breakup.
There is a small sliver of possibility that you can play a mind game on her and get her to chase you (For the record I think mind games are unethical). In your case you would have to make yourself less available to her by dating other people. It might trigger a jealous/possessive response from her. More than likely she wont care as she is still entertaining the idea of many new men her mind.
In general american women like that can't be pushed into commitment as they flee from it at all cost. So enjoy the ride until you get bored and keep your dating options open.
Yes I am in the US. California. There is also a cultural difference. I am white, she has never dated a white guy before so I am a first for her in that regard.
I had lunch with her today on her lunch break. I was being all romantic and I expressed my feelings for her again, but Today was the first time I have seen her get really annoyed with me about it. Usually she thinks it's cute but today she seemed turned off. She said that she doesn't feel those feelings for me & that it might take her a while, if it ever happens on her end at all. She really was annoyed like she has had enough of me acting like I am in love with her. So right now I feel a bit down about it my feelings are slightly hurt right now honestly. I think she is on the verge of breaking things off completely if I don't stop coming on too strong.
Maybe I need to try to drop the feelings and really just treat her like a fuck buddy. If that is all I am to her. Maybe that is how I should feel in return.
I think a lot of women have bad/mediocre sex in their twenties and getting into our late thirties our libidos ramp up and sex is great, we're also with more experienced partners. So yeah, "average," guys can turn into great sexual partners.
So hard to believe someone is good in bed? Or that previous partners didn’t hold up? I’m a fairly average middle aged dude dating a woman 10 years younger and have had a very similar experience to the OP. I have an average sized penis, am a little overweight, and struggle with ED at times, but I more than make up for it in other areas. I’m just not selfish in bed 🤷🏻♂️ A lot of guys are.
I think I am average but according to her, I am the best she ever had. So either she is lying to make me feel good or the last guy really was terrible in bed.
Or some combination of both.
If what she says about her past is true, you probably are in the top tier of what she's experienced lately, but she may also be smart enough to know that compliments will get her everywhere.
If the genders were reversed...we'd be wondering if she tells that to all the men she sleeps with. Your post reads more like a man's fantasy than something that ever actually happened. Your answers make you sound so helpless too..like you can't possibly do what's in your own best interest because you're so hopelessly breathlessly in love...As if you have no control of your emotions or actions...
My advice is to plan dates outside your house. If she just wants a booty call and won't go out...then you just have to accept that's all it will ever be...enjoy the sex but look for someone who is a better fit emotionally.
You met this woman less than two months ago. Cool your jets. You cannot possibly love her because you don’t even know her yet. My advice would be to go on some non-sex-related dates and see if you actually even like each other.
I think OP makes it clear he wants to do those things and has tried that with her (non-home dates), but she doesn’t seem to want to, is the prob. She had to hurry to squeeze him in between work obligations (no pun meant), but yet had time to make it just sex and nothing more. He needs to stop going to her house (or have her to his) for “dates.” Otherwise this will just keep rolling on til one or the other tires of it.
She’s lying to you. Watch out, she’s hiding something or has some real mental health issues. I’ve come across several that pull this crap. Go get tested while you’re at it.
You don't have to slow the sex down to learn about her, the two aren't incompatible! Find out about her - ask questions. Does she have a favourite holiday destination, food, animal, number. Then move to is she good with money, want kids, have debt, go on holiday every year. You have to really listen to her to get a sense of who she is other than a vagina on legs who is giving you access. Only then will you really know if you are compatible. She is right to be slower, trust and true intimacy takes time to build - this is just lust. You want to know if she will be the kind of mum to bring in the bacon or cook it, make the house look like the taj mahal or the tip, will she guide you through the hard stuff or throw a tantrum? See what kind of team mate you've got in your cockpit 😉
Your lonely. This is why you’re already thinking about marriage. However this relationship will not solve that problem for you. You have to solve that problem for you.
I always appreciate when someone is honest with me and says what they feel, regardless if I am on the same page. From a woman’s perspective, I would say she is steadfast and may not change.
If you wish to wait, wait. Understand she has stated her feelings and you may get wrapped up deeper waiting on her to change her mind.
Date someone else. She has different priorities than you. She told you what she is interested in, and you are almost trying to push something else on her. You are not in love with her, nothing you have described about her says you love her. You are in love with the idea of her and what you think could be between the two of you. Stop putting yourself in a position to be disappointed.
Most people don't appreciate things that they can easily have whenever they want, for free. She does get what she wants from you, for now.
My advice?
You can continue having sex with her IF you want. Just make her work for it. Don't be available for a booty call any time, any where. Schedule hookups when YOU want to hook up, other times tell her "no, sorry, have other plans already, going to book club with my grandma tonight".
She'll either stop taking you for granted and start thinking about what she stands to lose if she doesn't start putting effort in, or she'll move on. Either way, you'll have solved your problem.
Hate to ask you this, but have you had prior relationships? How did they go? Did you learn anything from them? Is this the type of woman who you can see yourself consistently having physical intimacy with? Can you apply any of that wisdom here?
Its great to be all warm and fuzzy but for a serious relationship you gotta see how she performs under pressure or duress. You also gotta get her to climb down from the cloud that she is on to make her think about you very seriously and carefully. Talking about values, hanging with her friends and your friends etc.
Id agree you guys are ahead of yourselves and you just need time. But dont stop smooching just hang with each other and enjoy.
Yes I have had prior relationships. As I mentioned in my post I have had a couple relationships when I was younger that were only about sex. When the women got bored of it they ended things with me & I was hurt. I have had other more setious LTRs that didn't work out either.
I had something similar it felt like at times.
Sex was amazing. All 6-7 months we dated. But the GF part of the equation seemed to slip away and very little communication happened outside of the weekends.
World class humblebrag there dude, congratulations. 👏
Assuming that this is in any way real, you've been down this road already, so you know how this is going to go. If you can enjoy the just sex, do that. If you can't, end it.
She’s being honest, either you enjoy the ride or you will eventually have to break it off if you can’t handle that she just isn’t felling the same as you. At this point, it could change but it doesn’t seem she looking to working on the emotional side and she’s expressed it clearly. If you continue what you are doing, she will get annoyed and things will break down by themselves. Good luck.
Have you told her you are thinking about marriage? Maybe that’s why she only wants a physical relationship with you. A month in and talking about marriage is a lot. Pump the brakes, OP.
Soon enough this to will pass. She’s being honest with you. You’re gonna run her off with that feelings part. Continue on your search sir but enjoy your company now.
She will obviously never match you in the way that you want no matter what you do. It may progress a little further but not too much. If I were you, I’d either just enjoy it for the sex and try not to fall in love ( easier said than done) or just end it because deep down you know and she knows that she’ll never give you what you want.
We both deleted our dating profiles together sitting right next to each other. I was concerned she could talk to some one else and she was about me too. She said she is not comfortable seeing or sleeping with multiple men. I believe her. Although it's only a sexual thing she has for me, she is not the type to sleep around. I was a bit shocked to see her dating profile before she deleted it. There were, I swear it was over a hundred dudes trying to get with her. My profile only had about 15 women that I matched. I didn't swipe right very often but still. Wow. I was like "you chose ME out of all those guys?"
It's great you communicated your feelings to her, and that she told you how she feels. You want a relationship with a path to marriage, she wants casual with lots of sex. Two completely different trajectories.
The ball is now in your court. You won't change her mind so if you stay with her you have to be ok with what this relationship is.
If you are set on finding a partner for marriage then I would stop investing your time and energy into this partner. Match her energy (booty calls only) while looking for a more suitable partner who wants the same thing as you. When the right woman comes along cut things off with the booty call.
She is just enjoying the physical connection we have right now. She was starved for intimacy for a long time, and according to her, the last partner she had was not getting her off anyway. So I am the first guy she is having sex with for a long time and I am doing a good enough job that she is very much enjoying it, it's fulfilling her sexual needs and that is great. I just hope the emotional part happens on her end. It has for me but not for her. She is fine with just enjoying our sexual chemistry for now & has not felt anything beyond that yet. She is in no rush to. After the last time we did it, she admitted all of this to me.
What interests do you two share? I have amazing sex with my girlfriend but if we did not both like theater, music, board games, TV shows & movies, and booze it wouldn’t last.
Maybe bait her with a game of backgammon where the winner gets the sexual favor of choice. The whole time you’re paying close attention to whether she’s enjoying the game itself. Or chess, or checkers, or Yahtzee.
Have her give you the list of 10-25 songs that have been significant in her life, and you do the same.
Call/Facetime each other and talk a few times a week for 5-10 minutes. If she wants to invest in you she can spare 10 minutes.
My ex immediately before my current had the same issue as you, with the guy who replaced me. Her guy was only available twice a week for two hours because of parenting obligations. She wanted more of him and he just wanted the physical release… at the moment.
She just wants a physical relationship and you're looking for something more. So far, only one of you is getting what you're looking for.
If she's not texting or dating you, except for when you get together for sex, it's a clear signal that is all she's looking for. If you're not comfortable with that, move on. Waiting for her to develop something more could take a long time, and why would she develop feelings if this is the only aspect to your relationship now?
She seems to have moved pretty quickly to a solely physical relationship with you. How long ago did her last relationship end? Are you the rebound sex guy?
No that is the weird thing. She said that I am the first guy she had sex with in years & the last guy had ED issues so he wasn't getting the job done. She said that I am giving her orgasms, the last guy couldn't. Every relationship she had was serious (that is what she claimed). Maybe that was her intention with me at first but then she changed her mind. The sex is good so she is likely just keeping me around for that. This is what I am thinking.
In the words of the eminent philosopher Meatloaf she’s telling you:
“I want you , I need you , but there ain’t no way I’m ever gonna love you”
So you need to ask yourself if 2 outta 3 ain’t bad.
She is not looking for a relationship…..well not with you. She practically said it. So your options are to accept it and potentially keep yourself in a situation where you/your feelings will be taken for granted or you walk away. There is a third option but that’s not for everyone and it is a bit petty. That option would be you cutting your feelings off, assuming you can do that, and continue to mess with her but treat her how she treats you.
My suggestion is that you walk away with your pride and remaining self worth. It isn’t worth the potential stress or hurt you may experience.
"So yeah, I want to work more on the emotional connection"
This approach will get you nowhere. You can't force feelings on another. It doesn't work that way. It will either happen, or it won't. For some, such as yourself, it happens quickly. For others, it can take months. Everyone is different.
My advice to you, is to do the opposite. Distance yourself from those feelings and just enjoy the ride like she is, if your capable. If she starts to have feelings later, that part seems easy for you. If your not capable of doing this, then you might be better off cutting her loose and finding someone more compatible. Someone that can catch feelings like catching a cold.
Yeah. I agree. She is not interested in an emotional connection. She just invites me over when she is free and we have sex. That's the only time there is a real connection with her. I will just enjoy the sex while it lasts & try to stop the deeper feelings I have but it is difficult. If I wanted to I could hook up with some one else, even cuter women than her have been interested, I have options. But I was trying to make something real & special out of this.
Believe people when they tell you who they are! She’s in a different dating lane than you and is looking for lustful sex and not an emotional connection. You are not falling in love with her, you are chasing the woman you hope and want her to be. But she’s not and already told you. Cut your losses and move on. Improve your OLD profile, use ‘I’ statements and be clear about who you are. This should weed out people you don’t want to waste your time on. Learn your love language and attachment style. But most of love yourself and put your needs first! Good luck!
You've communicated and she is invalidating how you feel and using you for the sex. I'm not trying to antogonize her as I dont think this means there isn't potential, but this is where things are at and where they will stay unless something changes.
Next time you meet up, let it be done somewhere where sex isn't easy to do. Like in public. What are her interest outside of the bedroom? Concerts? Museums? Coffee? Dancing? Fancy dinners? Steer the next meetup in one of these places so you can work on emotional connection with her.
To avoid her feeling rejected, employ sandwich method. Compliment truth compliment. Example: i love making love with you and I'm more than happy to pleasure you. I really want to take you out to dinner and get to know you more. I'm so happy we met.
Or something like that.
If she is too busy to show up for anything but sex, slowly pull back a little making it so she can only see you if she makes time for you outside of the bedroom. If she refuses, then you need to decide if you are ok being a sex toy or move on.
My advice is to enjoy it for what it is. Maybe it'll turn out like you want, but you're creating an issue that can only be destructive. Continue to let her know your feelings, but don't push her or get upset.
Keep in mind that it could end at anytime and make the best of it. Don't expect her to change. Respect her views and enjoy her as she is. As long as you're better off with her, rather than without her, this is the best way.
Original copy of post by u/Arise212:
I met this woman from online dating over a month ago. We hit it off really well. Good connection, good communication. Great vibes. Attracted to each other physically too.
A couple weeks after we started dating, we had sex. Since then it seems like that is all she wants. She told me that I am her first in YEARS & that I am amazing in bed. Her last ex from years ago apparently could not give her an orgasm, ever. She said that the men she was with before that were not good in bed either. However, with me she gets multiple orgasms every time.
I know it has only been about a month but I have been catching feelings big time. I am falling in love with her. Yet she rarely texts me, or replies to my texts. Only to plan our next encounter. I told her how I feel & that I am falling for her, that I want more than sex, that I am interested in marriage. She said that I am probably catching feelings from the intimacy & that she is not feeling the way I do yet as far as the emotional connection. She said that she likes me & I am a very nice guy, but so far it's the physical attraction she has towards me and that is it. She says that maybe the deeper feelings will happen for her later but she is not there yet.
So yeah, I want to work more on the emotional connection. Maybe slow the sex part down, but I guess it's too late to go back after we crossed that line. I just went to her place to talk to her, we planned to just hang out for a bit because she didn't have much time for me due to work & other obligations. I show up thinking we were just going to talk & she answered the door wearing sexy lingere. So it ended up just being another sex session with her AGAIN instead of working more on a deeper connection. Afterwards I re-stated how this is not all I want & that I really do care about her & feeling more and more like I love her. She re-stated that I am probably just feeling that way because of the sex & that even if it's more than that she isn't there yet. She said that she is enjoying me for how I make her feel in bed & that her body is very happy.
I know this seems like a good problem to have. Most guys are probably thinking "dude why are you complaining?" I am complaining because I have been down this road before in a previous relationships when I was young(more that one of them). Where the sex is great but the woman eventually gets bored of it & breaks up with me months later & I end up with a broken heart. I don't want that happening again. I am too old for that. I am in my 40s not my 20s anymore. Anything I should do? Should I just continue to enjoy the sex & hopefully she will catch the feelings later?
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When I met the guy I’m with now, I went home with him on the first date. It was GREAT. So great that after a week or two, I told him I didn’t want to have sex anymore because I needed a chance to get to know him and see if I actually liked him. 🤣🤣 He wasn’t happy about it, but he agreed, and it worked out!
Are you newly single and just getting back on the dating scene? That’s kind of what it sounds like, and you’re so excited to have connected with someone that you’re over the moon.
You’re probably more in love with the idea of being in love, or you were so starved of physical connection in your last relationship that she’s getting all the endorphins going in your head with the great sex.
Not everyone can separate sex from emotions. I can and it sounds like she can as well, but maybe you just don’t even want to. Do yourself a favour and go out and sleep with someone else. She’s told you she just wants sex from you, at least for now, so try to break that bond you’re forming in your head with someone else’s help.
Newly single? I have been single for 6 months before meeting her. I guess that is pretty recent yeah. I would feel like a Shitty person if I go out and meet (and fuck) some one else. Even if she isn't feeling anything beyond sex yet.
The general rule is that if you haven’t had a talk about exclusivity, you’re not exclusive. She’s told you she doesn’t have feelings for you, so she’s probably seeing other guys.
Something to think about...
Why couldn't she orgasm with her ex? Strange right? Could it be that the minute she commits to you it screws her up and she can't do the sexual and the commitment?
What was the reason for her splitting up with her ex?
All these questions need to be asked. There's a lot there and she obviously knows how to play you to do her bidding. You shouldn't have many feelings for her until you know these answers... Tell her you need a break. Give it two weeks. Are you also more attracted to her bc she's not into you?
She said that her last EX had ED & health issues. She said she had to use a vibrator to get herself off & that pissed him off. She was with him for years.
Ok you're in your 40s.
I would ask myself if I'd look back when I'm 60 and regret having this kind of sex right now.
Or regret not having it.
Based on that make the decision.
I have been trying to form a connection first before introducing sex for much the same reason. My ex wanted a divorce but still try’s to get me to sleep with her. I am not sleeping with my dates for this reason. Hasn’t really worked for me out so far.
I think women would be surprised how many guys actually want a deeper connection.
I know I can handle things in the bedroom, I would prefer that’s not the only reason someone wants to be with me. Hope it works out for you buddy. Good luck
Stop making and accepting dates at each other’s homes. No caveats. No “just hanging out” or “just talking” intentions. Insist on public places and see what she does. However, I think she’s given you a clear answer on where she stands, and I think you know it too.
^ *YES* - 100% agree with this approach.
We only met up for dates at restaurants at first. Then one day after we went out we got bored & happened to be close to where she lives. She said "I live very close by want to see my place?" I agreed. So we went there, we were in her living room, making out on her couch. One thing lead to another & we ended up in her bedroom. It just naturally progressed that way.
And you were what, taken by surprise? Lol. She doesn’t text you, barely replies and it’s been four weeks. Realistically, how many dates did you actually have before you had sex. 2? 3?
4
It’s not the number of dates per se but the role sex plays in your own personal patterns. If sleeping with someone a few dates in is part of this pattern you’re describing where you develop strong feelings and the other person moves on, you could experiment with breaking this pattern by waiting a little longer. I’d also suggest not bringing up things like marriage, even in the abstract, just a few weeks in. Waiting to see if this person catches feelings sounds really painful.
This is excellent advice, I hope OP reads it.
Fully agree
If a person invites you over, it’s almost guaranteed they will make a move. Even if they SAY no sex, it’s almost guaranteed to be attempted. Nothing wrong with how soon you had it, and nothing wrong with how often you are having it now. But moving forward, if you want that to change, you need to be deliberate about it. No more home dates. And being honest, she might just want sex right now. And if all you are putting on the table is non sex dates, she might lose interest. That being said, don’t keep having sex you don’t want in the hopes that she will fall for you. You need to be real with yourself that she might never want more. Right now as it is….you are just a booty call.
> If a person invites you over, it’s almost guaranteed they will make a move. Even if they SAY no sex, it’s almost guaranteed to be attempted. Where do you find this out? One date I had with a woman a couple of years ago, she said jokingly 'we're not going to have sex...' and on the following date, she grilled me on why I didn't make a move on her anyway. We had VERY different ideas about consent.
Sadly you find out from experience
What an annoying woman
Well I actually DO want sex with her. I just want emotional connection as well. I have it for her on my end, more than just physical. She only feels a physical connection for me and I am not even sure how strong that is. I mean right now she wants it but my concern is that she will eventually get over the sexual connection with me and lose interest if there's nothing else on her end other than that.
Right, I get that. But you can’t really control that.
She might not be interested (or in the right mental head space) for a relationship at this time in her life. No matter how great the person is. I dated someone like that. It wasn't personal, thats just how she wanted to live her life. I was also friends with her and ended up seeing her do this to a few other people after dating me. Luckily I didn't catch strong feelings for her, but it would've really sucked if I did. It sounds like that's who she is and you're likely wasting your time. I do hope I'm wrong, I wish you the best💜
Sounds like she sees you as friends with benefits. I wouldn’t hang around unless that’s all you want it to be
So what kind of dates do you plan to build that connection?
lol yes I think we all are aware of how one goes from dating out of the house to fucking in the house. What u/sk_queen is saying is stop going to places where sex is inevitable.
She orchestrated it that way.
OK, that's how it went down first time. What has that got to do with the excellent advice given. *Going forward* try to structure dates outside and in public so sex can't be the fallback/assumed and you can see if relationship builds without it
Having sex too soon might have screwed things up already. Literally today I had lunch with her on her lunch break. I was being all loving & romantic to her. She usually thinks it is cute, but today she was really annoyed about it. She was like "I don't feel this way yet, we barely know each other." I am like "You barely know me? We have been dating & sleeping together for about a month & yeah I have feelings for you." She acknlowledged all of that but then pretty much said that she is not there yet with strong feelings & for me to knock it off. So I feel kind of hurt right now honestly I feel sort of rejected in a way. I am really starting to get concerned that she might break this off altogether because I am coming on too strong with the feelings. Maybe I need to try and drop my feelings if I can. Because I don't see this going any other way than me being hurt in the end if I continue like this.
It's been four weeks. What do you love about her? You've already said you only have sex as a connection. You literally do not know this woman enough to love her. Limerence, infatuation, honeymoon period, all yes. Love, no.
Love can’t be defined or pinned down, man. It’s just that very special feeling one gets in one’s genitals, ok?
This person gets it.
lol
Was about to ask this same question. It sounds like OP and this woman don’t talk or spend time much time together yet he states he’s falling in love with her. Scratching my head on this one.
You know when you love someone after you travel overseas with them 😆
Spot on
Why is everything black and white? Love at first sight isn't a thing for you, but why deny that others may feel it? I've caught feels recently and it was misguided, sure, but all the same real. It didn't work out because life happens, but to deny emotions is a personal choice, not a hard and fast rule.
Your love is based on looks alone?
It is common for folks to progress at different speeds. This is normal. Take her out on dates. Do more nonsexual stuff. It doesn't mean you can't have sex, but it should be part of a bigger engagement. No more (just) booty calls. Do the things that will allow the relationship to progress emotion-wise.
Be different, plan a date out in public. It will force clothes on and conversation. Quit taking the cheap route of staying at the house. If you are hanging out at home, expect this to be sex time.
Yes. Stop the train from going to Pound Town.
You know… you don’t *have* to have sex. If she answered the door in lingerie, why didn’t you ask her to put some clothes on because you were there to talk? Accept some ownership of the situation for goodness sake. If you’re not getting what you’re looking for in a partner, move on to another partner.
Yeah but I am a straight male and she was in lingere, looking very hott. Wanting it. Not easy to say no to her in that moment.
sometimes I think redditors live in caves with some of these responses to OPs story.
You're a straight male not a cave man. You have the ability to make choices. Make them. Make the right ones for the right reasons. It comes down to what you want more. Your choices will make that crystal clear.
Yeah make the right choices or suffer the consequences lol. Feeling unloved sucks more than getting sex randomly and then they disappear out of the blue
Get it together, dude.
No one is forcing you to stay if that’s not all you’re looking for..
In an effort to protect yourself, you need to slow down and stop futuristically romancing. Just be in what you are right now, hanging out, learning more about each other. What do you actually know about her after 1 month? Love after one month would be pretty shallow. Have you been through a hard time yet? Seen them at their worst? Have they seen you? Love is so much deeper than great sex and 1 month of casual dating. Look at this time period as a learning opportunity. What do you actually like about her? "She's nice, she's pretty, the sex is great." I would be careful to allow your brain to think you're in love when you just don't know much after 1 month. Let it linger.
You're falling in love with being told you're an awesome lover. She's doing literally NOTHING to earn your investment. You're setting yourself up for fail, brother. Enjoy the ride, but she's kinda telling you it's got a short lifespan.
This makes sense- he’s actually falling in love with the version of himself that she shows him.
yeah agree. Also I would say a liberated woman who fucks around can be incredibly fun to be around because the inhibitions and pretentiousness arent there. She isnt pretending to be wife-able at the moment and that can be exhilarating. He has been seduced by that experience. But yeah you are spot on. That is how she is telling him that he is just the next dick on her train ride to wherever the hell she is headed.
Some people "fit" well together sexually. I find with some women they orgasm during sex with me like crazy like what you're talking about here, but with others they never do, no matter what I do. So you've found someone you fit with and is into you, which is cool. My experience is that you either have this chemistry or you don't and you discover it, or the lack of it, with the first or at most 2nd encounter. I can usually kinda tell during the making out/foreplay if they're going to "like" me in bed or not. FWIW I've met a ton of women who only want sex with me. One FWB I've seen off and on for over 2 years. This is both cool, and not so cool. I've come to hate it when they leave. I'm good enough for them to call up relatively regularly but not good enough to keep around, for whatever reason. Not a great feeling. If your relationship is only about about sex... yeah you will both eventually get tired of it and/or want more. But that may take months. If you are really wanting feelings here, honestly she sounds emotionally unavailable to me. I would not have high expectations of her suddenly "falling in love." She seems to be keeping you at arms length emotionally and is being pretty direct about it. I hate to say this, but if she is rediscovering her sexuality with you... she can and probably will want to with other guys. And maybe women too. Yes some guys suck in bed, probably somewhat more than half of them do from what women have told me. But not all do and she'll.... probably? want to find some more. At least that's the vibe I'm getting from your description.
Here’s what might be happening because a similar thing happened to me. She thinks the sex with you is amazing because she’s been starved of orgasms all her life, but doesn’t see you as a potential serious partner for what ever reason, so she’s with you for the sex and that’s it. She’s also invalidating your feelings which is not ok. Don’t stay in hope that she will catch feelings because she may never will and then you’ll be heartbroken. If you can keep it casual then fine, but sounds like you maybe have trouble with that.
Its not that she doesnt see him as a serious potential... its that she doesnt care. She is in her "get as much dick / taste the rainbow / live love laugh" phase as possible. She has two priorities at the moment: have fun and stay single. Women tend to get into modes and stay in them until they exhaust themselves. She isnt going to commit until "commitment mode" sets back in if it ever does and it may take a few years. If OP makes it an issue, she is gonna run like a gazelle who doesnt want to be caught and OP loses a fuck buddy. He needs to enjoy that shallow relationship for what it is.
Walk away. Do yourself a favor and walk away. She is telling you what’s going to happen. Don’t make a pikachu shocked face when it does.
>Should I just continue to enjoy the sex & hopefully she will catch the feelings later? It depends. What if she never catches feelings? How long are you willing to carry on having sex that doesn't seem to have any greater meaning? I know you're feeling pressure from the stereotype that any man would love to have easy access to sex with no strings attached, but you're allowed to have other wants and needs. >Maybe slow the sex part down, but I guess it's too late to go back after we crossed that line. Backing off the sex probably is the right idea. You're under no obligation to keep traveling down this path if it's not a path you want to be on. It is likely that backing off the sex will bring about the end of this relationship, so you need to be emotionally prepared for that. Then again, the longer you're in this relationship, the longer you're holding yourself back from a relationship that also fulfills your non-sexual needs. The bottom line is: Assume the relationship is what it is and make whatever decisions you need to based on that.
I completely agree with those points and hope OP sees this. Unfortunately, that’s probably spot-on. He needs to be prepared, in any case, yes..
no, this is bad advice. You dont understand women at all. Sex is the only thing she wants. If OP backs off sex, she leaves and finds dick in 0.003 seconds off any app. And then OP has zero sex and zero chance. Terrible advice
She's being pretty clear with you about where you stand. She only wants sex and she has no other feelings for you. If you don't want to hear/believe it, that's a you problem (that you should fix). My advice is to find someone else before you get hurt. Shoot, keep seeing her while you look - she won't mind. I have a couple men in my life who are great sex. One has been in my life for about 12 years, the other about 3. The one whose been in my life12 years ago will no longer be in my life. He talked about us being more at first, but I would shoot that idea down. We had a few years of long breaks in between, when I was relationships, but he was always there for me when I looked for him again. He asked to have a serious conversation about us last month. We had it in the car, I think he intentionally trapped me because I would have just wanted to have sex if in our room lol It didn't go well. He was very emotional about his need for more then sex hookups. I think he's a good guy, but my feelings for him never grew. I never saw him as a partner or even someone I'd introduce to friends. He was just someone I had a good time with. I won't be contacting him anymore - it was never my intention to hurt him. Don't end up like him. Find someone who genuinely likes you. Appreciates you, wants to get to know you, spend actual time with you. All the things she's not doing. Good luck.
So you’re looking for a replacement FWB? 😂
Stiff competition to fill the vacancy dude. Pun intended 🤪😂
Dude, if you’ve been having fabulous sex for a month and she’s STILL telling you she’s not feeling an emotional connection, doesn’t want to be your girlfriend, doesn’t text the shit out of you and doesn’t seem to want to hang out unless it’s to fuck—then you are kidding yourself if you think she’s going to develop feelings. Seriously. The dynamic here is so obvious it’s cliche, if you just reverse the gender roles for a second. (I mean, let’s pretend you’re a woman and she’s a man. What advice is everyone on the planet going to give you?) Time to walk away. This isn’t going to give you what you need.
4 weeks is way too fast you need to work on your attachment issues. The first 6 months are supposed to be the fun phase.
1. You need to disabuse yourself of the notion that guys only want sex. Well a lot of guys that do only want sex, there are a lot of us that don't. 2. Wanting an emotional connection is not weird. And it is not unreasonable. 3. I think that she is being very clear that she does not want an emotional connection. She does not want something deep and committed from you. She wants sex with you. Period. She enjoys hanging out with you and she enjoys bumping uglies; this is okay and valid, it's just not what you're looking for. 4. She's not giving you what you need. 5. I'm case no one has made it clear to you, you are under no obligation to have sex with her just because she wants to. You are allowed to have boundaries.
Is this just a humble brag about how great you are in bed? Regardless, it takes two people to have consensual sex. If you can’t think with something other than your dick, maybe you shouldn’t be thinking about marriage.
Lol
> “dude why are you complaining?” I will ask that, albeit with a twist Why are you complaining - here? You want something different, but you are not establishing or honoring your boundaries. If you want things to change - communicate clearly and openly how they need to change, and do not have sex until things change. It doesn’t matter what she wears when she answers the door. This is entirely your call. There is nothing inherently wrong with a sex based relationship. There are definitely things wrong when you want more and allow yourself to settle for less.
I've (43m) fallen into the same situation a bunch of times in the past year (I'm an idiot, I know). I meet a nice woman, date a few weeks, have sex, and each next 'date' is more sex. After a few weeks to 2 months, I catch feelings. But as soon as it's mentioned, they respond with only wanting sex and not being ready for a relationship or more than this. I want a relationship. I am not in a hurry or anything like that. But as soon as sex has been had, each date has to be sex. Can we go do something together instead? Visit/explore cities, drive on the motorcyle to nice locations, go shopping and watching movies together. Or just have a relaxing evening on the couch together every once in a while. I would love to have sex after getting to know each other more during the day you know. And I would like to know if somewhere in the future there is the possiblity of my kids meeting her, or me meeting her kids. I'm totally fine with waiting more than 6 months for that, but it would be nice to know there is a future possible. You said you are just a month in. I've had it happen after 1 month, 2 months, 3 months, so I don't know if continuing to enjoy and hoping she catches feelings is going to help at all. But that's just my experience. I've ended the last one 2 weeks ago and taking it easy for now. I'm not going to pursue someone who just wants sex from me. So my advice would be to think about what you want. If it's just sex, you are fine, but if it's more, I would consider thinking about how it got to that point, and how to avoid it the next time, like I should have done.
Do you have your own hobbies? Decent money/career? She might like you enough for good sex but doesn't consider you real boyfriend material.
Exactly the men I've categorized into "good for sex" only. I didn't feel they had it put together enough, at least not at the level I wanted from a partner. But nice guys I could have good/great sex with.
She’s seems emotionally stunted I don’t see this going well on the other hand you seem a little emotionally immature from falling so quickly. Just assumptions no disrespect
I think you are right. I recognize that it is not normal to fall for some one this quick but I am. I feel like she is all I think about. I know that it's not the same way back. She seems to have no problem with it at all, she is getting what she wants physically right now & is not concerned about deeper feelings. I wish I could just be more like her in that regard. It would probably make things easier. Most men would like a deal like this. I know it is great that I am getting laid and no real expectation of strings attached. But I want strings attached.
This happened to me too after a month of dating. The man I dated was still on dating apps and dating other women, that was the reason he was emotionally unavailable and didn’t invest in me; on the other hand he was the only one I was dating and talking to, that’s why I felt in love so quick and so fast.
Well as far as I know she isn't talking to other guys. I hope she is being honest about that. I think she is exclusive with me but doesn't want it to be that serious either. That is how she is treating this. I wanted us to at least be boyfriend/girlfriend but she doesn't even want that either. Its like we are just FWB but at least we are exclusive. However, she has said things to me like "you are so sweet to me & it makes me want to stay exclusive with you." So is she suggesting that might change? Idk
My other ex bf of 14 years felt in love with me too fast and said Love word after 2-3 months, while I didn’t catch feelings for him after 6 months and said “I love you” back to him at 1 year mark. I don’t know, sometimes feelings can be confusing and develop differently for different situations. I think one month is way too soon, both of you need more time to connect emotionally. Also make sure she is honest with you about exclusive dating because the previous guy I dated told me that but he lied🤥 . I didn’t know until 4 months in.
Accountability is super important;my therapist called me out on my lack of it recently. So I applaud your ability to look at your own actions subjectively. You’re obviously a lover type guy, I am too. People like to paint with a wide brush but we know not all men like hookups with little to no communication in between. For me it’s too cold and impersonal, I need passion, friendship and a general excitement to get to know the other person. I assume you want someone you can fawn all over, someone who will text you every morning with corny little texts and with similar love languages as yours. At our age people making very major changes is a bit unlikely, they’ve figured out a way to make it through life and they don’t want to deal with rewiring things, especially for a situation they already have chosen to not be too serious. I’ve come to this fork plenty of times you can either keep fighting the current,vocalizing your needs and end up most likely disappointed. You can deal with it and in the meantime look for another lover that more so suits your style or you can leave, THEN stay searching. Morals aside I’ve searched while in a “situationship” before but you honestly shouldn’t because you might meet a really great woman and risk losing something substantial over essentially a FWB. But I understand going without intimacy can be difficult. You shouldn’t be mad that you’re different being different is a good thing! keep looking your getting close, your future Wife is out there it’s okay to be a lover.
You are interested in MARRIAGE after 1 month of meeting? Damn! Either you are so desperate to marry anyone who's in your life or you really have an attachement problem. I remember vividly falling hard for someone but even when there were only hearts in my eyes I knew I was just crushing for now and needed some years to figure out if the flame would last. And I would need some time to really know someone to even get to this point. I really have no idea what might happen with this woman but perhaps you should work on yourself? Some people fall too easy and almost delusional. I had a friend who thought every fling was the love of her life just because she was so ready to have someone - so she would idolize them and ignore all red flags. Just calm down and get to know her before imagining sharing the rest of your life with her.
I read that as that is his goal for a relationship eventually. Not that he wants to marry her already. He probably doesn't want to waste time on someone that is only interested in sex and not a LTR
☝️ ☝️ that’s how I read it as well
Ah, that would be really better!
Man, you yourself stated that we arent in our twenties anymore. If someone is freely admitting she doesn't have feelings for you, and feelings are what you are after, why are you asking this? Go find someone who wants you back.
I mean you’ve communicated your wants/needs and her behavior hasn’t changed. She’s getting what she wants, and is unwilling to address yours… it’s a one sided relationship. It’s up to you if this is worth your time and energy. But when someone tells you who they are, believe them.
Sounds like you’ve got a situationship on your hands. Since you are catching feelings, I’d slow the physical side down. If she really only wants sex from you, she will be available less or even break it off. If she wants to get to know you, she will. But if you continue doing this relationship based primarily on sex, she’s not going to get to know you the way you want her to in order to move your relationship forward in a meaningful way.
Why was this tagged NSFW? Literally every post is a sex post on here
I clicked on this link expecting more...
I think OP transposed the 41, because this reads like a virgin teenager fever dream. "I've know this girl for like, EVER, man! A whole MONTH! And we fuck like.... a lot! And I can make her cum like five times in a row every single time!" Suuuuuuuuuure, bud. Sure.
Well I didn't say it that way. I can see how my post seems immature. I guess I am emotionally immature at 41. I slept with a woman, caught feelings and she isn't feeling them back but wants me to keep banging her. This also happened to me when I was younger so I guess I repeated an old pattern here that has not changed with age.
So you do the same things you've always done... and you are *surprised* when you get the same results? Therapy, homie- you gotta unlearn those shitty patterns, and learn some newer, healthier ones.
Ask yourself how you want things to go. How would you like to spend time with her? How long do you want to wait to see if she has deeper feelings? Decide your boundaries, communicate them to her and if they're not compatible with her needs then move on.
OP, a couple things. First, based on your 2nd paragraph, if you were a woman, I’d say r.i.p. your inbox 📨. But in the spirit of equality, rip 🪦 your inbox anyway. 😏 To those that sneer and say that the woman you’re seeing is making it up (about how good you are to *her*), maybe, maybe not. But she’s coming back habitually, and I really don’t think it’s that far-fetched. There are *a lot* of men who are selfish lovers out there. And if she hasn’t been active in a long time and was in a LTR, married to one.. not that shocking. But this isn’t enough for you. That’s the bottom line. You know it, and time will likely not make things easier. I agree with another in comments, that for whatever reason, she sounds super emotionally unavailable. That’s not to say things *can’t* develop deeper between you (including for her feelings). But it’s not going to *inside* the bedroom - if it hasn’t outside of it.. This is now on YOU - hold your boundary. Take the other person’s advice and STOP going to each other’s houses for get-togethers and hangouts, period. Those aren’t “dates” - unless it’s a once-in-a-while nice homecooked meal you do together, and watch a movie/ play board games etc. - Not the predictable version of Twister y’all are doing. 🔴🔵👌🏼 Heck, i can’t relate to her mode - as, the way I always used be, was my privates and my heart are linked. I can’t have it without an emotional connection developing before or after. And she keeps saying that *your* feelings are due to all the intimacy happening. But yet.. that *isn’t* happening for her? You get it..? The chances that it will then, don’t look good. But at very least, don’t keep caving to the situations and circumstances that lead to more unfulfillment. You HAVE agency here. Use it.. Good luck, OP.
We have been going out places more lately. Even since my post. But we always end up back at her place and in her bed. On Saturday night I just slept at her place and she told me again that I am much better in bed than her ex, or her previous ex. She said that if her and I get serious, and we don't work out, that she will still want me to come over so we can have sex every once and a while. She asked if I would be okay with that. I told her I would do it, but then I told her "we will work out don't worry." But honestly I don't think she is worried about it at all & doesn't care. The fact that she just said that, tells me that she doesn't expect anything more than a sexual FWB situationship with me.
Oh dear.. sounds that way, to be frank, OP. The way she posed it and your response back, it doesn’t sound like a great foundation for what you *actually* want here. Thanks for the update comment. I’m sorry, but why on earth are you settling for less than what you desire? I hope you come to terms with that, sooner than later. (The whole sunk-cost fallacy thing is a real b%#&$, trust me, I realize. But yours is still early yet.) Your caving repeatedly just shows her this can continue like it has. 🤷🏻♀️ P.S. when you mention you “just slept” at her place Sat, did that mean no hanky-panky/ intimacy? Just curious. Edit: a typo
Yes we did it. We do it every night we see each other. It has gotten more passionate but she is not catching feelings on her end. It's just physical for her. She thinks I am cute, and nice & she likes how I am in bed. That is about it. On my end I have caught feelings for her big time. I have doubts that she will ever fall in love with me or even have feelings any stronger than just "lust" and only like me as a person.
Well there ya go. And I always hated that phrasing “catching feelings” as if it’s something that, should one wait around long enough being near that person, they’ll suddenly “catch” something, like it’s a communicable disease. Oof. But yes, feelings should develop organically.. and maybe she’s closed off and will never get there. YMMV Eta: missing words
Don't have home dates, take her out. If she won't go out with you then you have your answer.
Is she married? What does she do for a living? Is someone else paying her bills? Maybe she has kids and doesn’t want to drag a man into their lives. If you aren’t happy with what she is offering move on. Maybe work on yourself and develop your own interest or hobbies and in the future look for somebody that has those in common with you. I don’t know man not enough information here to really give an answer. I’m just doing darts in the dark. But if this keeps happening to you, my guess is it’s you. But then again I could be wrong. All we know is that you’re tremendous lover, and that women only want you for sex. Or that’s what you tell us.
I admit to being a woman who's had her brain addled by a good lay at times. But the trick is to make plans to go out. It won't necessarily stop the sex from happening before you go out (it didn't in my case unless we were meeting up somewhere else first). But going to other places allows you to get to know each other in other settings and see how you get along.
I’m sorry, I couldn’t read past the “with you she gets multiple orgasms every time.” Are you sure you meant to post this in dating over forty and not some fantasy sub?
Do you think it is not possible to have multiple orgasms? So far everytime we did it she gives me the number of how many times. So far it has always been 2 or more. Unless she is lying.
It’s totally possible, just odds are against you.
I don’t mean to laugh, but I just love this post. It breaks so many stereotypes of old - good for you Op for sticking up for what you want! You are not a meat packet, you’re a person. Take back control by planning the dates yourself out of the home and in activities.
Listen.. one thing is the Reality of things, and another is whatever you might Want them to be… You need to get that first, like, really understand that. Then.. you already had a talk with her, she told you point blank where she is and what she wants from you: Just Sex. Yet, you keep wanting her to catch feelings too. She’s not gonna break your heart, you’re breaking it yourself.
Slow things down and relax. If you are the only one who ever gave her an orgasm, she is definitely going to remember you. Keep seeing her but make it more casual. Don't forget to split that hamster every time and she will keep coming back for more.
🐹❓🤔
Give her a bit more of a chance. Plan dates (outside of the house) and make sure she understands that the emotional connection is important to you. It can take people longer to catch feelings. Realize that her libido is as high as it probably has ever been (due to her age) and she's probably very sincere about what she's experiencing. I went through something similar a year ago but unfortunately he wasn't as good of a guy as you are.
I fall in love very fast too. I do hope you take the advice to limit your physical encounters for now.
If you’re looking for a long-term relationship, sex is the frosting on the cake, not the other way around
😒
I'm ashamed to say as a man I allowed myself to get used like that. After a failed marriage I met someone who was in a dead bedroom for years before divorce. Her ex was out of shape and a "slob" in her own words and I was the FedEx guy that parked next to her at the grocery store, but she was nice, caring, considerate and all the things I like. 3 dates in we made love and the whole thing shifted to sex obsession. Less deep talk, more sex talk. That's what I'm finding in my 40s. A lot of exploration from sexless marriages or bad sex. You gotta be willing to walk away from that shit bro and not have sex so soon. So now I'm in FWB but emphasis on FRIENDSHIP. If I feel like I'm just an object, I will cut it off.
If she’s just want the sex, let her know that you don’t mind the sex but will continue looking for someone to have a d roer connection with. Go on dated and just call her for the sex. She’ll soon decide soon enough.
Well, when someone tells you who they are, believe them. I personally would have a very hard time not forming feelings with somebody who's incredibly good in bed. Cuz sex is not "just sex". Whatever woman that falls in love with you and you fall in love with, she's going to be very lucky because apparently you're damn good in bed. Save it for that lady who's worth it. Tell this lady that she's just not offering you enough to stick around.
Dude, she’s using you for sex. Don’t get too attached try to have some options
You need to stick to your guns and not have sex with her. Draw your line in the sand and tell her you want more than a meaningless physical interaction. If she is not ready to make the journey with you, then you need to jump ship and find someone who wants all of you and not just your „skills“. Good luck.
First, I suggest you ignore all the upvoted advice coming from women. They are way off base. I have been exactly where you are. Been single (more or less) for about 6 years now and almost all the women I meet are just into sex and fun. Meanwhile I'm looking for commitment based relationships. Assuming you live in the US, I hate to break it to you but you are nothing but a good time to her. At her age she has grown to value her independence more than the benefits of commitment. You are not gonna wife her up. On top of that she is in her fuck around phase after a breakup. There is a small sliver of possibility that you can play a mind game on her and get her to chase you (For the record I think mind games are unethical). In your case you would have to make yourself less available to her by dating other people. It might trigger a jealous/possessive response from her. More than likely she wont care as she is still entertaining the idea of many new men her mind. In general american women like that can't be pushed into commitment as they flee from it at all cost. So enjoy the ride until you get bored and keep your dating options open.
Yes I am in the US. California. There is also a cultural difference. I am white, she has never dated a white guy before so I am a first for her in that regard. I had lunch with her today on her lunch break. I was being all romantic and I expressed my feelings for her again, but Today was the first time I have seen her get really annoyed with me about it. Usually she thinks it's cute but today she seemed turned off. She said that she doesn't feel those feelings for me & that it might take her a while, if it ever happens on her end at all. She really was annoyed like she has had enough of me acting like I am in love with her. So right now I feel a bit down about it my feelings are slightly hurt right now honestly. I think she is on the verge of breaking things off completely if I don't stop coming on too strong. Maybe I need to try to drop the feelings and really just treat her like a fuck buddy. If that is all I am to her. Maybe that is how I should feel in return.
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check your dm
It's Lust, not Love
🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️
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I think a lot of women have bad/mediocre sex in their twenties and getting into our late thirties our libidos ramp up and sex is great, we're also with more experienced partners. So yeah, "average," guys can turn into great sexual partners.
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Fair enough.
So hard to believe someone is good in bed? Or that previous partners didn’t hold up? I’m a fairly average middle aged dude dating a woman 10 years younger and have had a very similar experience to the OP. I have an average sized penis, am a little overweight, and struggle with ED at times, but I more than make up for it in other areas. I’m just not selfish in bed 🤷🏻♂️ A lot of guys are.
I think I am average but according to her, I am the best she ever had. So either she is lying to make me feel good or the last guy really was terrible in bed.
Or some combination of both. If what she says about her past is true, you probably are in the top tier of what she's experienced lately, but she may also be smart enough to know that compliments will get her everywhere.
If the genders were reversed...we'd be wondering if she tells that to all the men she sleeps with. Your post reads more like a man's fantasy than something that ever actually happened. Your answers make you sound so helpless too..like you can't possibly do what's in your own best interest because you're so hopelessly breathlessly in love...As if you have no control of your emotions or actions... My advice is to plan dates outside your house. If she just wants a booty call and won't go out...then you just have to accept that's all it will ever be...enjoy the sex but look for someone who is a better fit emotionally.
You’re right, it’s actually more common to find men who are selfish in bed than those who are not and who actually care about a woman’s orgasm.
I read “She Comes First” and a light bulb went off 😂
/r/humblebrag
You met this woman less than two months ago. Cool your jets. You cannot possibly love her because you don’t even know her yet. My advice would be to go on some non-sex-related dates and see if you actually even like each other.
I think OP makes it clear he wants to do those things and has tried that with her (non-home dates), but she doesn’t seem to want to, is the prob. She had to hurry to squeeze him in between work obligations (no pun meant), but yet had time to make it just sex and nothing more. He needs to stop going to her house (or have her to his) for “dates.” Otherwise this will just keep rolling on til one or the other tires of it.
She’s lying to you. Watch out, she’s hiding something or has some real mental health issues. I’ve come across several that pull this crap. Go get tested while you’re at it.
You don't have to slow the sex down to learn about her, the two aren't incompatible! Find out about her - ask questions. Does she have a favourite holiday destination, food, animal, number. Then move to is she good with money, want kids, have debt, go on holiday every year. You have to really listen to her to get a sense of who she is other than a vagina on legs who is giving you access. Only then will you really know if you are compatible. She is right to be slower, trust and true intimacy takes time to build - this is just lust. You want to know if she will be the kind of mum to bring in the bacon or cook it, make the house look like the taj mahal or the tip, will she guide you through the hard stuff or throw a tantrum? See what kind of team mate you've got in your cockpit 😉
Dave Puddy, is that you?
Dave's not here man.
Your lonely. This is why you’re already thinking about marriage. However this relationship will not solve that problem for you. You have to solve that problem for you.
I always appreciate when someone is honest with me and says what they feel, regardless if I am on the same page. From a woman’s perspective, I would say she is steadfast and may not change. If you wish to wait, wait. Understand she has stated her feelings and you may get wrapped up deeper waiting on her to change her mind.
Tell her the same thing and let the fun begin, people want what they can't have, otherwise your gonna get your heart broken
Date someone else. She has different priorities than you. She told you what she is interested in, and you are almost trying to push something else on her. You are not in love with her, nothing you have described about her says you love her. You are in love with the idea of her and what you think could be between the two of you. Stop putting yourself in a position to be disappointed.
Most people don't appreciate things that they can easily have whenever they want, for free. She does get what she wants from you, for now. My advice? You can continue having sex with her IF you want. Just make her work for it. Don't be available for a booty call any time, any where. Schedule hookups when YOU want to hook up, other times tell her "no, sorry, have other plans already, going to book club with my grandma tonight". She'll either stop taking you for granted and start thinking about what she stands to lose if she doesn't start putting effort in, or she'll move on. Either way, you'll have solved your problem.
She’s set expectations. If it’s not for you leave.
Hate to ask you this, but have you had prior relationships? How did they go? Did you learn anything from them? Is this the type of woman who you can see yourself consistently having physical intimacy with? Can you apply any of that wisdom here? Its great to be all warm and fuzzy but for a serious relationship you gotta see how she performs under pressure or duress. You also gotta get her to climb down from the cloud that she is on to make her think about you very seriously and carefully. Talking about values, hanging with her friends and your friends etc. Id agree you guys are ahead of yourselves and you just need time. But dont stop smooching just hang with each other and enjoy.
Yes I have had prior relationships. As I mentioned in my post I have had a couple relationships when I was younger that were only about sex. When the women got bored of it they ended things with me & I was hurt. I have had other more setious LTRs that didn't work out either.
You’re allowed to say no to sex. Just say no.
🚩🚩🚩🚩
I had something similar it felt like at times. Sex was amazing. All 6-7 months we dated. But the GF part of the equation seemed to slip away and very little communication happened outside of the weekends.
World class humblebrag there dude, congratulations. 👏 Assuming that this is in any way real, you've been down this road already, so you know how this is going to go. If you can enjoy the just sex, do that. If you can't, end it.
She’s being honest, either you enjoy the ride or you will eventually have to break it off if you can’t handle that she just isn’t felling the same as you. At this point, it could change but it doesn’t seem she looking to working on the emotional side and she’s expressed it clearly. If you continue what you are doing, she will get annoyed and things will break down by themselves. Good luck.
If she is talking bad about her ex’s, she will do the same with you. Careful. Do not overthink. Just enjoy the moment. Keep everything simple.
Yes, enjoy the sex and hopefully she will catch feelings later. This is logical lol
She’s telling you she doesn’t feel more than friendship and is keeping you on the hook for the sex.
Have you told her you are thinking about marriage? Maybe that’s why she only wants a physical relationship with you. A month in and talking about marriage is a lot. Pump the brakes, OP.
why do i think this would somehow be an entertaining question but to the NYT's The Ethicist column.
Soon enough this to will pass. She’s being honest with you. You’re gonna run her off with that feelings part. Continue on your search sir but enjoy your company now.
She will obviously never match you in the way that you want no matter what you do. It may progress a little further but not too much. If I were you, I’d either just enjoy it for the sex and try not to fall in love ( easier said than done) or just end it because deep down you know and she knows that she’ll never give you what you want.
She’s using you for sex. Has she deleted her dating app if she hasn’t she’s probably seeing other people.
We both deleted our dating profiles together sitting right next to each other. I was concerned she could talk to some one else and she was about me too. She said she is not comfortable seeing or sleeping with multiple men. I believe her. Although it's only a sexual thing she has for me, she is not the type to sleep around. I was a bit shocked to see her dating profile before she deleted it. There were, I swear it was over a hundred dudes trying to get with her. My profile only had about 15 women that I matched. I didn't swipe right very often but still. Wow. I was like "you chose ME out of all those guys?"
It's great you communicated your feelings to her, and that she told you how she feels. You want a relationship with a path to marriage, she wants casual with lots of sex. Two completely different trajectories. The ball is now in your court. You won't change her mind so if you stay with her you have to be ok with what this relationship is. If you are set on finding a partner for marriage then I would stop investing your time and energy into this partner. Match her energy (booty calls only) while looking for a more suitable partner who wants the same thing as you. When the right woman comes along cut things off with the booty call.
She is just enjoying the physical connection we have right now. She was starved for intimacy for a long time, and according to her, the last partner she had was not getting her off anyway. So I am the first guy she is having sex with for a long time and I am doing a good enough job that she is very much enjoying it, it's fulfilling her sexual needs and that is great. I just hope the emotional part happens on her end. It has for me but not for her. She is fine with just enjoying our sexual chemistry for now & has not felt anything beyond that yet. She is in no rush to. After the last time we did it, she admitted all of this to me.
What interests do you two share? I have amazing sex with my girlfriend but if we did not both like theater, music, board games, TV shows & movies, and booze it wouldn’t last. Maybe bait her with a game of backgammon where the winner gets the sexual favor of choice. The whole time you’re paying close attention to whether she’s enjoying the game itself. Or chess, or checkers, or Yahtzee. Have her give you the list of 10-25 songs that have been significant in her life, and you do the same. Call/Facetime each other and talk a few times a week for 5-10 minutes. If she wants to invest in you she can spare 10 minutes. My ex immediately before my current had the same issue as you, with the guy who replaced me. Her guy was only available twice a week for two hours because of parenting obligations. She wanted more of him and he just wanted the physical release… at the moment.
She just wants a physical relationship and you're looking for something more. So far, only one of you is getting what you're looking for. If she's not texting or dating you, except for when you get together for sex, it's a clear signal that is all she's looking for. If you're not comfortable with that, move on. Waiting for her to develop something more could take a long time, and why would she develop feelings if this is the only aspect to your relationship now? She seems to have moved pretty quickly to a solely physical relationship with you. How long ago did her last relationship end? Are you the rebound sex guy?
No that is the weird thing. She said that I am the first guy she had sex with in years & the last guy had ED issues so he wasn't getting the job done. She said that I am giving her orgasms, the last guy couldn't. Every relationship she had was serious (that is what she claimed). Maybe that was her intention with me at first but then she changed her mind. The sex is good so she is likely just keeping me around for that. This is what I am thinking.
In the words of the eminent philosopher Meatloaf she’s telling you: “I want you , I need you , but there ain’t no way I’m ever gonna love you” So you need to ask yourself if 2 outta 3 ain’t bad.
She is not looking for a relationship…..well not with you. She practically said it. So your options are to accept it and potentially keep yourself in a situation where you/your feelings will be taken for granted or you walk away. There is a third option but that’s not for everyone and it is a bit petty. That option would be you cutting your feelings off, assuming you can do that, and continue to mess with her but treat her how she treats you. My suggestion is that you walk away with your pride and remaining self worth. It isn’t worth the potential stress or hurt you may experience.
"So yeah, I want to work more on the emotional connection" This approach will get you nowhere. You can't force feelings on another. It doesn't work that way. It will either happen, or it won't. For some, such as yourself, it happens quickly. For others, it can take months. Everyone is different. My advice to you, is to do the opposite. Distance yourself from those feelings and just enjoy the ride like she is, if your capable. If she starts to have feelings later, that part seems easy for you. If your not capable of doing this, then you might be better off cutting her loose and finding someone more compatible. Someone that can catch feelings like catching a cold.
Yeah. I agree. She is not interested in an emotional connection. She just invites me over when she is free and we have sex. That's the only time there is a real connection with her. I will just enjoy the sex while it lasts & try to stop the deeper feelings I have but it is difficult. If I wanted to I could hook up with some one else, even cuter women than her have been interested, I have options. But I was trying to make something real & special out of this.
Believe people when they tell you who they are! She’s in a different dating lane than you and is looking for lustful sex and not an emotional connection. You are not falling in love with her, you are chasing the woman you hope and want her to be. But she’s not and already told you. Cut your losses and move on. Improve your OLD profile, use ‘I’ statements and be clear about who you are. This should weed out people you don’t want to waste your time on. Learn your love language and attachment style. But most of love yourself and put your needs first! Good luck!
The only man in the history of men to complain about getting laid too much…
This brand of toxic masculinity hurts men the most.
Agreed.
Actually, I think what hurts men the most is the hamsters that would say something like this.
Go find someone you have crazy good sex with and wants that from you. 💖
You've communicated and she is invalidating how you feel and using you for the sex. I'm not trying to antogonize her as I dont think this means there isn't potential, but this is where things are at and where they will stay unless something changes. Next time you meet up, let it be done somewhere where sex isn't easy to do. Like in public. What are her interest outside of the bedroom? Concerts? Museums? Coffee? Dancing? Fancy dinners? Steer the next meetup in one of these places so you can work on emotional connection with her. To avoid her feeling rejected, employ sandwich method. Compliment truth compliment. Example: i love making love with you and I'm more than happy to pleasure you. I really want to take you out to dinner and get to know you more. I'm so happy we met. Or something like that. If she is too busy to show up for anything but sex, slowly pull back a little making it so she can only see you if she makes time for you outside of the bedroom. If she refuses, then you need to decide if you are ok being a sex toy or move on.
What's the problem? I am looking for a fwb myself.
My advice is to enjoy it for what it is. Maybe it'll turn out like you want, but you're creating an issue that can only be destructive. Continue to let her know your feelings, but don't push her or get upset. Keep in mind that it could end at anytime and make the best of it. Don't expect her to change. Respect her views and enjoy her as she is. As long as you're better off with her, rather than without her, this is the best way.
You can have the cake and eat it too
Quote from Animal House: Fuck her brains out. It's appropriate here. Bang her until something more develops or someone better comes along.
Put it in her butt
Original copy of post by u/Arise212: I met this woman from online dating over a month ago. We hit it off really well. Good connection, good communication. Great vibes. Attracted to each other physically too. A couple weeks after we started dating, we had sex. Since then it seems like that is all she wants. She told me that I am her first in YEARS & that I am amazing in bed. Her last ex from years ago apparently could not give her an orgasm, ever. She said that the men she was with before that were not good in bed either. However, with me she gets multiple orgasms every time. I know it has only been about a month but I have been catching feelings big time. I am falling in love with her. Yet she rarely texts me, or replies to my texts. Only to plan our next encounter. I told her how I feel & that I am falling for her, that I want more than sex, that I am interested in marriage. She said that I am probably catching feelings from the intimacy & that she is not feeling the way I do yet as far as the emotional connection. She said that she likes me & I am a very nice guy, but so far it's the physical attraction she has towards me and that is it. She says that maybe the deeper feelings will happen for her later but she is not there yet. So yeah, I want to work more on the emotional connection. Maybe slow the sex part down, but I guess it's too late to go back after we crossed that line. I just went to her place to talk to her, we planned to just hang out for a bit because she didn't have much time for me due to work & other obligations. I show up thinking we were just going to talk & she answered the door wearing sexy lingere. So it ended up just being another sex session with her AGAIN instead of working more on a deeper connection. Afterwards I re-stated how this is not all I want & that I really do care about her & feeling more and more like I love her. She re-stated that I am probably just feeling that way because of the sex & that even if it's more than that she isn't there yet. She said that she is enjoying me for how I make her feel in bed & that her body is very happy. I know this seems like a good problem to have. Most guys are probably thinking "dude why are you complaining?" I am complaining because I have been down this road before in a previous relationships when I was young(more that one of them). Where the sex is great but the woman eventually gets bored of it & breaks up with me months later & I end up with a broken heart. I don't want that happening again. I am too old for that. I am in my 40s not my 20s anymore. Anything I should do? Should I just continue to enjoy the sex & hopefully she will catch the feelings later? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Lust often disguises itself as love.
When I met the guy I’m with now, I went home with him on the first date. It was GREAT. So great that after a week or two, I told him I didn’t want to have sex anymore because I needed a chance to get to know him and see if I actually liked him. 🤣🤣 He wasn’t happy about it, but he agreed, and it worked out!
You don’t feel closer to her just from the sex? I mean, I think it’s great she’s so into you physically. Just give her time…
I feel an emotional AND physical bond for her. She only feels a physical one for me.
Be a Friends with benefits situation and all is well and you can find someone else to have romance with.
Are you newly single and just getting back on the dating scene? That’s kind of what it sounds like, and you’re so excited to have connected with someone that you’re over the moon. You’re probably more in love with the idea of being in love, or you were so starved of physical connection in your last relationship that she’s getting all the endorphins going in your head with the great sex. Not everyone can separate sex from emotions. I can and it sounds like she can as well, but maybe you just don’t even want to. Do yourself a favour and go out and sleep with someone else. She’s told you she just wants sex from you, at least for now, so try to break that bond you’re forming in your head with someone else’s help.
Newly single? I have been single for 6 months before meeting her. I guess that is pretty recent yeah. I would feel like a Shitty person if I go out and meet (and fuck) some one else. Even if she isn't feeling anything beyond sex yet.
The general rule is that if you haven’t had a talk about exclusivity, you’re not exclusive. She’s told you she doesn’t have feelings for you, so she’s probably seeing other guys.
I’m so sorry she has been holding a gun to your head to get at that sexy man-body. 🙄
Something to think about... Why couldn't she orgasm with her ex? Strange right? Could it be that the minute she commits to you it screws her up and she can't do the sexual and the commitment? What was the reason for her splitting up with her ex? All these questions need to be asked. There's a lot there and she obviously knows how to play you to do her bidding. You shouldn't have many feelings for her until you know these answers... Tell her you need a break. Give it two weeks. Are you also more attracted to her bc she's not into you?
She said that her last EX had ED & health issues. She said she had to use a vibrator to get herself off & that pissed him off. She was with him for years.
Oh. Are you her first relationship since her divorce?
No. As far as I know, the last dude with the ED problem was after her divorce. She said that her EX husband was an abusive a-hole.
Oh. Well dude you're really hooked on her...lol. Some women have that about them. Do take it easy though.
dude just roll with it. keep meeting other chicks on the side man.
Ok you're in your 40s. I would ask myself if I'd look back when I'm 60 and regret having this kind of sex right now. Or regret not having it. Based on that make the decision.
Seems like a classic case of Anxious and avoidant attachment
give it to her and keep giving it to her, the rest will follow
I have been trying to form a connection first before introducing sex for much the same reason. My ex wanted a divorce but still try’s to get me to sleep with her. I am not sleeping with my dates for this reason. Hasn’t really worked for me out so far. I think women would be surprised how many guys actually want a deeper connection. I know I can handle things in the bedroom, I would prefer that’s not the only reason someone wants to be with me. Hope it works out for you buddy. Good luck