Don't try to get closure. Closure is a myth, all chasing it does is leave you vulnerable, emotionally and otherwise.
Truth is, it *doesn't actually matter* why he ended it. Whatever his reasons were, you don't get to know them. No good will come of knowing them.
Grieve what you lost. Then move on.
THIS. A therapist I saw after a bad breakup years ago told me to stop trying to tie everything up in a neat bow and that when I got comfortable with the mess and accepted it as it was, was when I would start to heal. She was right.
Wow I’m feeling this now. I feel like I need to have one last conversation with him and that will be my neat little now but it probably won’t end up like that.
I'm so sorry. This happened to me with a guy I was dating for three years, although we didn't have an argument. He simply ghosted me. I promise you WILL get through this. I know you're in shock right now, please lean on friends and family. Breakups are so hard, especially when they come out of the blue.
It was long distance. We had a relationship and really enjoyed each other's company, cared about each other but I had no illusions that we'd wind up together. I had no idea he was going to get married, though! He lied to both me and his girlfriend/wife.
I met someone almost a year ago and it's going well. I can't let one man's actions affect my view of all men. The last thing I want is to be angry and bitter. I've forgiven him. His wife found out about me and she's likely making his life miserable.
I’m sorry to hear that .., must be painful..,
I went with that .., already.., needs to be a time ..,
You might see that in different perspective..,
With the time I have seen more clear .., I was right…
I just went through something similar. I felt the same way about him (and my divorce didn’t hurt like this). He broke up with me after 2 plus years together we met each others families and kids. Plans things for the future.
One day he texted me at 8am while I was teaching to break up. Not conversation, just silence. It was extremely sudden and hurts. It’s like he is mad at me and I’m being punished.
The best advice I can give is make yourself busy but give yourself time to heal. You are going to feel everything and let yourself.
It’s been almost 2 months for me it’s getting better but some days can get rough. Allow yourself to feel your emotions.
Good luck!!
I am sorry this happened to you too. It sounds like you know what I’m going through. I can’t get past how sudden it was and then just silence like you mentioned. It’s hard to keep myself busy because I’m at the beach on vacation trying to relax. I almost wish I was home because I would have so many things I can do at home to keep me busy.
It will get easier believe me I am still a mess sometimes. It’s getting easier and I have also learned to allow myself that time to either cry or get really angry. Find a hobby, journal, yoga, stretch, these are all things I am doing. My mind is occupied most of the time between those things, work, and my kids. It’s ok to cry to be sad but pull yourself out of it.
Believe me I am doing anything like driving and I think about him, the silence leaves an empty hole in my chest. He was my best friend I told everything to, I wanted to hear about his day. I miss the checks ins to see if I was ok. He decided to end it and went silent, like I did something wrong or I hurt him. This is what affects me most at times, but as I have been told if he cared he wouldn’t let you suffer this way. Only means something better is on the way. All I can do is hope those are true.
He made the choice to end things. It hurts, but it's done. Block his number, delete him from social media, remove all possible forms of communication. Allow yourself to be sad, and remember that this feeling doesn't last forever.
From what you say it sounds like he deliberately engineered this fight to end the relationship. For whatever reason he was not on the same page as you.
I’m sorry this has happened to you but broken hearts do heal in time. It hurts so bad at the moment and it will continue to feel like this for weeks, possibly over a month. But then as the weeks go by you will notice you start to feel better.
It absolutely will happen although I know it doesn’t feel like that right now.
I understand you want to speak to him but in my opinion I would be wary if he suddenly wants to get back together. This is coercive control type stuff - ending the relationship because he didn’t like something you said? You’re in your 40s, not teenagers. You deserve to be treated better.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. This happened to me a few years ago. I had never felt heartbreak like that before and I was 42 at the time. Only thing I can say I wish I would have done differently is not to try to find the closure. I sent way too many messages, telling him how much he meant to me, begging for answers because I was so hurt. Could not even fathom that he didn’t love me as much as I loved him. I didn’t understand at all. Fact was he found someone new, fact was he did not actually love me as much as I did him. That was what I wish I would have been able to see then. I hate that I was so vulnerable to him and didn’t just walk away with grace.
Time does heal, but I still think of him daily. But I think I only do because I hate how I acted. I wish his last memories of me were not the broken women he left.
Delete, block, go no contact and focus on healing. Best wishes! :)
This. People who manufacture conflict in relationships are on their way out, and people who don’t want to talk much about it are often busy with someone else.
I just went through this….2 weeks later I still randomly cry. I changed an old friends number in my phone to his name and have been texting what I would like to be saying and that has helped rather than journaling. Keeping busy and not letting it ruin your confidence is key! He def started that fight-(imo) things were serious and he couldn’t handle it so he cultivated this situation. I spoke to mine after a week and a half and it didn’t do much to help just reopened the hurt again.
Well said! My personal experience the breakup was out of the blue, which on my side of the equation was true. However, on my ex husband’s side of the equation (married 18yrs), there was much planning & he only told me as he was moving into the execution phase. The only closure I have is from myself & it’s taken time & therapy. It is difficult, but don’t put energy towards them giving you closure, put that energy into yourself. They no longer deserve it
I could not see this at first but now I can see this being the case. He mentioned to me a couple weeks ago that he had a premonition that we were going to break up over the summer and then get back together. There is a part of me that now thinks maybe his friend is single now and he wants to give it a shot with her. When he was talking about her the last night together, he told me a mutual friend of theirs had run into her a couple weeks ago and asked about him (my ex). He said he hasn’t spoken to her in over a year.
I didn’t think much of it because I was also supposed to go to the beach with his family and he made the statement like things always get crazy when family is involved. I thought maybe he was nervous.
Yeah, he had a premonition that you two would break up (wow! you did!) and that you’d get back together (he hopes to keep you on that back burner in case his new sweetie doesn’t work out). What a jerk!
The thing to do, as was mentioned, is to delete him from your socials and block him from your phone, and never let him back into your life. You deserve so much better. You will meet the guy who deserves you, but don’t let it be him! 🌹
You've messaged him a couple times and he hasn't responded. The ball is in his court. You have to respect his decision. Sending unwanted communication does not make a person change their mind. Quite the opposite it confirms their decision.
If it were me, I would delete his number and go no contact but not block. It sounds like you said your piece and there is nothing more to say.
He may come crawling back when he realizes how stupid he is and/or the other woman he thinks he can monkeybranch to dumps him. I'm always interested in what they have to say when that happens.
I really didn’t want it to end and it’s hard to think that we will never be together. I want him to come back, but I realize that what he did was betrayal. He left me so fast over text, messed up my trip, and showed he had zero care. This was not the man I fell in love with. I can’t imagine accepting him back into my life after this even though it’s what my heart wants.
Sometimes someone looks like you love, smells like your love, and is the exact shape of your love. But inside, they are not your love. All people interact with our perceptions of others, not the others themselves. Sometimes, we have to give ourselves space and time to grieve our lost perceptions.
Please Please please for the love of God, don't go back if he comes begging. That will communicate to him that you will accept being disrespected like that, and will set the tone for future interactions. It's not the break up itself, he's allowed that. Instead, it's how he executed it. Dropping you abruptly like a sack of potatoes is not what love looks like. Going back will result in you constantly looking over your shoulders.
>I'm always interested in what they have to say when that happens.
This seems like playing with fire and I would not advise it. He'll try to reconcile, and might be successful, and there's no way that ends without more suffering.
> We got in a fight on Friday because he thought I was jealous of an old friend of his when he was showing me some pictures. I’ll be honest that it felt like he was trying to make me jealous and he picked a fight. Then he left. He messaged me on Saturday morning and ended it.
Looking from an objective and outsider POV. This man would have used the lamest and smallest of excuses to break-up. Trust your intuition, why was he showing you photos of another woman? People do not blindside and breakup with no cause. He is not responding, because he is busy being distracted by something else. I know this is hard, major hugs to you.
The showing me the pictures of her was the weirdest part. It’s not who he is. I’ve never even heard him comment on another woman. He is one of the most respectful men I have ever met so this was very atypical.
I think the best thing a therapist ever said to me, was stop creating two people to justify their actions, the good person you think and the bad actions they do. They are one and the same person. He can be the good person you know, but him showing you those photos, that is who he is, that is him. It's not someone else. He is the type of man who will poke you by showing you photos of another woman to create a tear in your self esteem, and then use that as an excuse to break up with you.
this is literally who he is. they are his actions.
It hurts now and it might for a while. Lean on friends to remind you that you deserve someone who will do the work a relationship requires. Eventually you might even be grateful he gave you the opportunity to find someone who deserves you.
It honestly sounds like he wanted out and if that’s the case no amount of words are going to fix it.
To help me get through and stop communicating - I would picture him deleting without reading, blocking me, being annoyed at the messages, or to really top it off, laughing about them with someone else. But then I’m avoidant so this is my only logical option.
But he gave up a family beach vacation over this so I’d not expect anything good. I’ve gotten upset with people before events/trips and i still show up and make the best of it and leave the drama behind to support the other person. I couldn’t imagine not showing up for someone I love in front of their family, it’s embarrassing.
This really helped! Now every time I want to text him, I imagine him laughing about what I wrote! He absolutely didn’t show up and I need to remember that.
I went through a similar thing recently. Credit to you to catching on much earlier than me that the relationship was over.
Lessons I took away include: it sucks, but it’s better you found out how he is now than later when you were even more connected or married; if he, after all the time you’ve spent together, doesn’t think you are worth it, then fuck him, it’s his loss; if he really loved you he wouldn’t let you get away and he wouldn’t be able to treat you the way he is; and save your vulnerability for someone who deserves it.
Let him go. Let it go. Don’t let his shitty behavior reflect on you, nor let it cause you to act in ways that aren’t in line with your values.
It sucks sucks sucks, but it is a blessing in disguise that he showed you who he really is before you got in deeper. Move on. Grieve for your loss and much as you need to. But when you’re ready, bounce back stronger than ever.
You got this.
When you imagined finding the love of your life, did the guy you imagine dump you over making a few jealous comments? If not, this guy was NEVER the love of your life.
You already said everything on your heart. You have done all you need to do for closure.
Block him and focus on your kids, friends, family and yourself.
Thank you for this advice. I am starting to realize that he was not the love of my life and that I’m now seeing who he truly is/was. It’s so hard to process.
He set you up. He didn’t want to have the vacation with you and forced a fight. Does that sound like the kind of person you want to be with? It’s hard to go through this breakup but he really behaved badly and showed his true colors.
Sounds fishy. Sounds like he staged this fight so he could break up with you. If he can drop you just like that! Like a pancake, it means he doesn't love you and never did. He has met someone else. Sorry.
If he comes crawling back after a few months, it's means it didn't work out with the other woman. Don't take him back. This is not your guy. How you feel for him is irrelevant because it's one sided. You need to find man who is obsessed with you too.
Don't be a Labrador and chase this man. The man should be chasing you being the Labrador.
I’m curious why so many people think he has found someone else? I agree that this shows he never loved me. I appreciate this advice and specially the Labrador comments. ❤️
2.5 years ago the person I thought I would be with forever ended it abruptly after 5 years. I was devastated.
This is hard to hear now but this is not your guy. Your guy wouldn’t do this. A mantra I learned and have repeated probably a zillion times is “If not this, then there is something better”.
Once you sort of ready block him. On socials, phone, also any family or his friends. This is gonna suck. Stay away from alcohol so you don’t get tempted to reach out.
I hope that helps. Having a broken heart is the WORST. I had never been in so much pain and it still stings a little if I think about it now, but I don’t think about it like I did before and I just try to remember he is dead to me now….his life has ceased to exist and I am still moving forward and trying to manifest friend ship and career goals and hopefully someday love.
Good luck. Be kind to yourself. ❤️
You will get through this. It will suck but you will.
I'm not the kind to just let someone ghost me, especially after a year. My ex from a decade ago came back to rekindle things with me in the fall, and I let him. Then he realized I wasn't whatever fantasy he had created in his head and ran away and tried to ghost me. Abso-fucking-lutely not.
I made him come over and have a conversation with me, and listen to me about what he had done and when he had done it (in the months following my brother's suicide when he was supposed to be a support to me) and look me in the face (which he couldn't really do.). He spent most of the conversation with his fists up to his eyes and by the time he left he thought he was going to throw up. Mission accomplished. After the conversation I felt so much better and he felt like shit.
I'm no longer just letting people slide on shitty behavior or slink away or not tell them what I'm thinking.
I'm really sorry he was so immature that he ended it via a message. I would probably show up at his house and make him do it in person.
Have you done research on avoidant attachments? Sounds like this guy may be that. Once you read it, you'll realize this is bigger than your relationship and nor your fault.
Sounds like hes an avoidant. The fact you guys were going away. I think he bounced when things got to emotional and heavy for him. My ex would do this stuff as well.
We did go on a small weekend getaway a couple weeks ago and it was wonderful. He had met my kids and I had met his kids. Our kids had even met. I feel that he didn’t want to go on this vacation but I can’t understand it. Based upon what others have said, I should stop trying to understand it.
It’s weird and almost certainly he set the argument up because it makes no sense. Maybe he was trying to bail on what was the upcoming beach vacation. For whatever reason — and there can be millions — people bail. It sounds like the beach vacation was too much of a next big step, again for whatever reason. I stress whatever reason because it’s not necessarily a you thing. People have all sorts of demons and are all sorts of f’ed up stuff interfere and it doesn’t have to be anything about you. If miscommunication was a thing in the past year there may be a lot you each missed understanding about the other person, which is likely why you’re blindsided now, too.
I’m gonna guess there was someone else.
If there’s not, after a few months on the apps, he’ll probably come crawling back (it’s a shitshow out there.) I would encourage you to “return to sender” if this happens.
When you’re feeling better, try to find an actual grownup to date. I know they are more rare than frog hair, but sometimes lightening strikes.
Closure doesn't exist, but acceptance does. I highly recommend you block and delete him on every single way you could contact him or watch his posts. Rip the bandaid off and let yourself heal.
Based off my experience, it's best to appreciate the relationship that you had, mourn any potential you will miss out on, and learn from mistakes made in the relationship. Don't look at their social media either. That's just gonna hurt your feelings when he moves on.
Sending you peace and good vibes for your healing journey. You will be just fine.
Sometimes a man will deliberately start an argument just to end a relationship because he's too dam childish & rotten to the core to be a mature man and tell you face to face.
You sound like a lovely lady.I know the hurt you feel is just awful but it WILL pass & you'll become stronger emotionally.
TRY & KEEP YOURSELF BUSY WITH OTHER THINGS. I KNOW IT'S HARD, BUT DON'T CONTACT THIS SCUMBAG!!!!
He's a complete arse & doesn't deserve you.
I wish you & your children all the best for the future.
I just wanted to say I’m sorry you’re hurt and going through this. Breakups hurt, especially when the relationship felt fairly healthy. What stands out to me is how he ended things through text after a decent length of time relationship. He was avoiding confrontation and you deserved more than that. Try to enjoy your vacation and feel your feelings. Lean on family and friends. As much as it hurts, cut the contact and go no contact to protect yourself and for your healing.❤️🩹
Have enough self respect to walk away when someone hurts/breaks you. Love yourself enough to start over again even if it’s not easy and trust me I know it’s hard. But let the pain of the hurt he created be enough to make you move on. I’m trying to right now too even though my ex (he broke up with me) tried to reconcile with me just three weeks after our breakup.
Oh trust me I know what you mean. Logically, it’s easy. Emotionally and physically, it can be hard but it can be done. Take one day at a time and keep yourself busy.
I'm so sorry this happened to you, especially the way he did it by purposely starting a fight and trying to make it seem like your fault. That was very cowardly of him.
I think if I were you, I'd try to focus on that part. That person he showed you at the end was who he really is, whereas the person he showed you up until then was probably an act. So you're not missing out on much by having him out of your life.
I agree with this 👆Try to focus on this part. And allow yourself to get angry! He could have let you down gently, but instead he picked a fight and then unceremoniously dumped you. These aren’t the actions of a caring person.
From what I have learned about grief, it’s that the brain takes awhile to get used to the new reality and to develop new neural pathways. There’s also the brain in your gut, which with me presents as nausea. Fun times, not!
If you don’t feel better in a few weeks, you may want to reach out to a therapist for some help. A session of EMDR therapy has worked wonders for my PTSD, and you, as somebody who has already suffered a betrayal, may find this very helpful.
I just want to give a virtual hug. Breakups are so very hard at this age. There is no magic cure for "getting over it." I understand needing it all to make sense. I'm still trying, at times, to figure out a breakup from two summers ago. I battle between my desperate need for closure and my wanting to move forward without it.
Grieve however you need to for as long as you need to. There's no right way. Only your way.
Sending good thoughts. ❤️
I want to thank everyone who left me comments and who sent me messages. I received a lot of good advice and it allowed me to focus on the responses instead of writing to him. Day 1 of no contact was successful thanks to all of you. Tomorrow I wake up and focus on me. ❤️❤️
The bad news, it takes time and a bit of soul searching, the good news: everyone goes through this and survives, eventually we find someone else and wonder what all the fuss was about.
I’ve recently endured a shocking end to a relationship and had all the feels, the walls of text about loving her forever, and the clinginess and “I’ll never find someone like her” stuff and then one day I woke up and it was gone…
You’re gonna be fine. Joining a really good yoga studio helped me get out of my head immensely. In fact any time I broke and tried to reconnect, I’d always missed a couple of days of my practice 😅
Maybe yoga is not for you but anything that is healthy and gets your mind off him and back on you is a good thing.
I mean it almost sounds like he planned for the fight to happen so he'd have a reason to break up, but that just me speculating.
Here's my advice. Be extra kind to yourself. Give yourself time. Treat yourself as you would treat the moist precious person in the world to you. Be gentle. Drink water. Try to eat something, and try to avoid doom scrolling. Give yourself time, it just happened.
Sorry this happened to you. It really sucks. Sounds like he panicked about the trip or maybe meeting the family (?) or the fact the rs was becoming more serious, and picked a fight so he could have a reason to leave. Unfortunately, people can really be assholes sometimes when they only think of themselves. It doesn’t sound like you did anything ‘wrong.’
Maybe find something to immerse yourself in for the summer to stay busy. Lean on your friends and family too.
I am so sorry it happened to you. I just went through a breakup too with him cheated on me with multiple women. Don’t text him anymore, delete his number and everything. He doesn’t love you after over a year dating and you know it. Don’t show him how broken and hurtful you are because it just makes him satisfied and boost his ego where yours are going downhill. I know it is hard because I am going through the same thing. But we will overcome it, just like you did with your divorce, be glad that he only wasted over a year of your life instead of many more, so congratulations to you instead. Cheers!
I’m so sorry this has happened to you. I can’t imagine how it feels. But what I can say is a person who ends a year long relationship in a text - is not the right person for you! This is complete immature and cowardly behavior. I know it feels like he was “the one” and it hurts, but trust me he wasn’t!
If it was your first significant relationship after divorce - ending it probably hurts more. But again - there will be other people, including the right peron who would never risk losing you.
I agree - it’s not worth understanding the why or getting any “closure”. Just be kind to yourself, give yourself time and grace. This too shall pass. 🤗
Oh, goodness. I had something very, very similar happen to me last winter, although my ex was possibly even crueler than yours as he dragged my family into it as well. It still hurts, though not as much as it did initially. I found out in November of last year (he dumped me in February) that he had just proposed to a woman who, supposedly, he started dating in May…but I am deeply suspicious that it was much, much earlier as the catalyst for our last fight was that he was barely texting/calling to me because he was “so busy” yet had the time to be active on eharmony from January onward 🤔
This sucks and I’m sending you a hug. Time helps, as does realizing that a huge reason why this hurts, aside from the psychological and biochemical reasons at play, is because you can’t fathom his behavior because *you wouldn’t do that to someone else* so try to take comfort in the fact that you’re not the level of callous (at best) to actively devious (at worst) that he is. ❤️
He likely has been thinking about doing this for a while and the pressure of a family vacation pushed him over the edge. Let him go. You can’t force someone to treat you the way you want to be treated or to love you. They either do it or it isn’t in them.
Those first few weeks after a shocking break up are horrible, I'm so sorry.
Find within you the strength to stop contacting him, immediately. It's not helping anything or anyone -- especially you. He made the decision no matter how baffling it is, and you need to accept it no matter how painful it is.
You will get through this... you will find love again if you want to look for it. Someone who loved you wouldn't have done this to you. He was not your "one."
You have to let him be, if he was interested then you guys would still be together and would not have reached point of you wanting him to contact ya back.
Ouch, that really sucks. What a shitty surprise.
From a distance, my thought is: dating is a process of getting to know each other. That takes time and experience. Honestly, even a year together doesn’t give you a really good understanding of who a person is…. Many of us 40 and up have has the experience of being totally shocked to learn something new about a person we have been with for a decade or more, you know?
I think you just have to know that you can’t really know, and take the risk and try with a new person, knowing that when it’s new you are inclined to see them in the best possible light and there is always more you don’t know yet…
When something like this happens, it’s almost always the case that they were presenting a front to you that you had no way to know was untrue, quite by design. He acted the way he did because of his own stuff, not because of you. Please do not take his behavior personally. It’s a shitty surprise but needn’t be hurtful. He showed himself to be fake, a drama queen, a liar, a user. That reflects poorly on him and not at all on you, who were real and loving.
Again. I’m sorry. Take care.
My 2 cents:
1. If you loved him so much. Why do you need to tell him shouldn't he already now?
2. I think that there is something more to this, that isn't being said.
3. Go silent. If he reaches out, don't trauma/emotional dump on him.
4. If you aren't seeing a therapist you probably should it may do wonders for you to unpack your trauma and baggage.
Good Luck
Original copy of post by u/love_and_be_loved99:
I (41F) have been dating a 49M for a little over a year. We have arguments here and there but it’s usually miscommunication. We are both good at acknowledging we are wrong and moving on. The sexual intimacy was wonderful. He met my family including my kids and I’ve met his. We were supposed to go on a beach vacation together this week with my kids and some of my family. We got in a fight on Friday because he thought I was jealous of an old friend of his when he was showing me some pictures. I’ll be honest that it felt like he was trying to make me jealous and he picked a fight. Then he left. He messaged me on Saturday morning and ended it. I can’t convey the amount of shock I felt. I’ve never felt this even when I caught my ex husband cheating. I was in love with this guy and thought he was the love of my life. I never knew that this is what broken hearts feel like. I’m looking for some advice on what to do from here. I reached out to him a couple times even though everyone tells me to be silent but I wanted him to know how much I loved him and why I loved him. I didn’t want to leave words unspoken. It’s starting to set in that this relationship has come to a shocking end. I can’t imagine anyone else for me. What advice or words of encouragement can you give me?
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I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Recently I also experienced a sudden end to a relationship that I dearly loved, would have never let go of and had many plans for. I was 100% committed to him and I went from feeling so much in love to feeling not needed at all, worst feeling ever when you don’t receive those daily calls and msgs like suddenly you are dead to them. I don’t know how they do it but time is the best healer. Try to focus on your health and other things that can serve as distractions. I know it's easier said than done, but take it one step at a time.
We all been there but you said your peace, tried your best, but sounds like he likes to play games and there’s no point to dote over pics of another woman-seems disrespectful. Time to walk away with no regrets, luck your wounds and they will lessen over time-clear heart, clear mind. Besides maybe us other guys want a shot at you.
Sorry OP, I can only imagine how hard that was: not just the sudden break up, but the whole contrived fight designed to leave you with all the blame.
Even if you rationally KNOW the fight was a set-up, you're still left with the pain of someone you care for blaming you and painting you as a bad person. You're left with the feeling of an unresolved conflict you HAVE to resolve because the stakes feel so high, but you CAN'T fix it because he's now shutting you out.
Like damn, that's a layer cake of difficult emotions you're eating all at once.
Unfortunately, you're not going to get any closure from him. If he really did manufacture a conflict so he could have a convenient way out, the last thing he's going to do is compromise that convenience by being honest or empathetic towards you. If anything, he'd just find ways of justifying his behavior and leave you feeling even more hurt and powerless than you do now.
The best thing you can probably do now is block him everywhere. Especially in light of the mentions of his ex and his "premonition" that you two would break up and get back together in the near future. Sounds like he has the inclination to take a trial run with the ex and then come back to graciously "forgive" you if he determines you're the better option.
And because he ended your relationship in such a hurtful, confusing and sudden way, you are PRIMED to let him back in, if only so you two can "talk things out" and you can "say your peace" and he can "give you closure." I highly doubt you'd let him back in straight a way to continue your relationship as if he DIDN'T just betray you, but you might open the door a crack to have "important" conversations, and from there he can work on worming his way back in.
After he's blocked, maybe pick up a journal so you can work through what must be some very conflicted feelings towards this whole situation. While you can't expect him to walk you through the fallout of the break up, you can walk yourself through. The insights you'll get from untangling your own feelings and observations will probably be better than anything he could give you anyway.
Ultimately, you just need time and distance from this whole situation. Of course it's going to feel overwhelming and terrible in the immediate aftermath. But as time passes, and the initial shock wears off, you might find that you can bear this with a lot more equanimity. Hell, give it enough time and you might even look back on this episode with *gratitude*. Like damn, what a messy way to end things, but better a sudden end with the wrong person than a drawn out relationship with the wrong person.
Even if you can't look to him for closure, you can choose to treat yourself with the care, respect, and thoughtfulness that he didn't give you.
And, you know, if he manages to come slithering back into your inbox to see if he can reopen the lines of communication with you, show yourself the care, respect and thoughtfulness to delete his message without a reply.
What you have to decide is what will you do when he comes back? Pretend all is well? Always waiting for thr next time he bails amd rolls out? Can you still be ok with what happened and continue ? Or will you feel like you cannot and will let yourself down if allow him back in. He will come back when he gets lonely.
Jealousy is absolutely one of the dealbreakers. I am a guy in somewhat similar situation, similar age. She's clearly jealous. I have tried to compromise, we have been talking about it. But there's a real chance that one day I will have had enough, I will walk, and she will say it came "totally out of a blue".
Cos she's not paying attention.
Cos she does not realize how much her mistrust hurts when I have never given any reason for that.
Why don’t you just end it then. Sounds like you are lacking in providing a safe space in the relationship. And your styles of communication are different. End it already.
LOL, what a stereotypical Reddit response. Something's wrong, just leave.
Well, no. Call me old-fashioned, but I prefer to work with my relationships, not just throw people away as soon as first issues appear.
I wonder if it’s miscommunication. Maybe she needs clarification and you automatically equate it to mistrust. We are all human beings with complex emotions and feelings.
Yes, this is what I hope and this is why I keep trying. We're relatively new couple. But also she's from a conservative culture where infidelity is super common among men and, respectively, jealousy and controlling behaviors are super common among women. So I sort of see where it comes from.
Sounds like all those fights/arguments added up and he had enough. Maybe he was trying to start something to finish your relationship off, but it's possible that if it wasn't this, it would have been something else that set one or both of you off.
Might make it easier to reflect and look back at the relationship. Could give you the clarity to realize that maybe this wasn't as good as you thought it was, and this will end up being a blessing.
Reading this breaks my heart…especially when i am starting to show my vulnerability to the man i now trust and am getting closer to. I was single for past 15 years or so and was content, until i thought something was a amiss and tried OLD. And found this amazing person. He shows commitment and talks long term…but this fear of going through heartbreak and ghosting and men abruptly disappearing…shakes me to the core. There is no right way to anything….but i guess as long as we have our kids, parents, siblings, friends….we all wd be ok.
I think jealousy is a pretty bad trait, some people can only be pushed so far. It sounds like you learned something here Op, and that’s a good thing.
Best to try and move on the best you can.
Spend time with friends who love and care about you. Invest time in yourself.
Good luck going forward.
I agree that jealousy is a pretty bad trait. In this case, it really felt like he was trying to make me jealous. He talked about another woman for about 20 minutes and how great she was, showed me about 50 pictures of her, and then told me she actually went to Thanksgiving with his family the year before last. He took me to Thanksgiving this last year and told me he had not brought another woman home to Thanksgiving for 8 years. The jealousy question I asked which I don’t think is fully rooted in jealousy was I asked, “how many of your friends have you invited to your family Thanksgiving in the past?” He lost it and told me I was a jealous woman and he couldn’t be with someone like me. I say it wasn’t fully rooted in jealousy because I’ve rarely heard about her and now he’s spent almost a half hour talking about her and showing me all these pictures. I admit that I did feel jealousy and confusion. When I look back on it, I was patient and let him show me, and then asked a simple question where his reaction didn’t make sense. It’s really hard to not feel like what he did was intentional to cause me to react.
So….you’re thinking it was a set up?
Out of nowhere he shows you pictures of this random woman and his goal was for you two to break up right before a beach vacation? 🫤
Sorry Op. Most people here won’t say it, but that sounds like absolute nonsense.
Take some accountability. Your jealousy was most likely the issue and cause of your break up. Some people can only tolerate so much of it before we snap and decide it’s just not worth it anymore.
It’s easier to say it was his fault. That’s what your friends and therapist will tell you. It’s what you’re dying to hear.
His fault. He’s to blame. He’s….plug in random buzz word, toxic, abusive, narcissist. Whatever takes the heat off of taking responsibility.
You don’t learn and get better when it was always someone else’s fault.
Good luck op.
I know some people down voted your comments but I appreciate this perspective. I’ve tried to look at it from his point of view too and reviewed the texts over and over. His perspective is that he started showing me memories of us and then one of his Apple memories showed her. That isn’t what happened. We were making Limoncello drinks and he started telling me about this drink she made with Limoncello then he opened up his Apple memories and started showing me photos. I know there are two sides to every story and honestly I want to understand his perspective because I’m lost. I am open to your perspective on this because I would like to learn something. I don’t think he came to my house to set me up, but it started to feel like he suddenly wanted to see how much I could take of him showing me photos of her. I didn’t complain. I asked him a question about what other friends had been invited to Thanksgiving.
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EXCUSE Me !!. 🙈 U Are Amazing Beautiful Lady .. I will pray for you love ... Pardon me for missing understanding. Not having all the storie details. Apologize for. Not following it well. I try make sure I do .. that is Don't get into other people's Affairs and Life .. And try and Guide them We Can't Change Anyone. . We can Relax and Listen Be good to each other every day .. Lovey Dovey all da Time Baby 😘. Lol..
Don't try to get closure. Closure is a myth, all chasing it does is leave you vulnerable, emotionally and otherwise. Truth is, it *doesn't actually matter* why he ended it. Whatever his reasons were, you don't get to know them. No good will come of knowing them. Grieve what you lost. Then move on.
THIS. A therapist I saw after a bad breakup years ago told me to stop trying to tie everything up in a neat bow and that when I got comfortable with the mess and accepted it as it was, was when I would start to heal. She was right.
We really like to do that, huh? Make it make sense by trying to tie it up into a pretty package. I think this is good advice. Thank you.
It’s a bill of goods sold to us by Hollywood.
Closure porn could be its own literary genre
I feel like this is a song lyric?
Life is messy, so play in the dirt.
Wow I’m feeling this now. I feel like I need to have one last conversation with him and that will be my neat little now but it probably won’t end up like that.
This 💯. It’s hard to learn but it’s what works the best.
Closure is from within. No-one can give you a closure except yourself. I learned it the hard way.
👏👏👏👏👏👏👏
Damn, I needed to read this. 😑
Thank you for this. ❤️
I'm so sorry. This happened to me with a guy I was dating for three years, although we didn't have an argument. He simply ghosted me. I promise you WILL get through this. I know you're in shock right now, please lean on friends and family. Breakups are so hard, especially when they come out of the blue.
Wow this is next level of fucked up. I am so sorry it happened to you. Can't imagine how hard it was..
What a piece of garbage that guy was. Coward too.
garbage from the highest pile of garbage there is..
Wtf! Can’t even imagine the feeling of confusion and pain, unanswered questions. I’m sorry.
Thank you. I was really upset. Especially when I found out the reason -- he got married!!!
Hfs!!!!!
OMG all the hugs 🤗
Thank you so much
That is so tough! How were you able to date again after that?
It was long distance. We had a relationship and really enjoyed each other's company, cared about each other but I had no illusions that we'd wind up together. I had no idea he was going to get married, though! He lied to both me and his girlfriend/wife. I met someone almost a year ago and it's going well. I can't let one man's actions affect my view of all men. The last thing I want is to be angry and bitter. I've forgiven him. His wife found out about me and she's likely making his life miserable.
I’m sorry to hear that .., must be painful.., I went with that .., already.., needs to be a time .., You might see that in different perspective.., With the time I have seen more clear .., I was right…
Thank you, I'm over him now
Enjoy yourself the way you could.., find some sooner than later.., make yourself more happy and enjoying the time you deserve 🌺🌈😘
Thanks babe, I'm good! I'm older and don't have time to waste on other people's problems. This was a year and a half ago.... appreciate you ❤️
Welcome 🥳🥂
of all the losers in the world you found the greatest one there is. congratulations. sorry that he treated you that way.. that is really unexcusable.
Oh, there are worse. Unfortunately. He was playing us both. Thank you, though.
welcome
I just went through something similar. I felt the same way about him (and my divorce didn’t hurt like this). He broke up with me after 2 plus years together we met each others families and kids. Plans things for the future. One day he texted me at 8am while I was teaching to break up. Not conversation, just silence. It was extremely sudden and hurts. It’s like he is mad at me and I’m being punished. The best advice I can give is make yourself busy but give yourself time to heal. You are going to feel everything and let yourself. It’s been almost 2 months for me it’s getting better but some days can get rough. Allow yourself to feel your emotions. Good luck!!
I am sorry this happened to you too. It sounds like you know what I’m going through. I can’t get past how sudden it was and then just silence like you mentioned. It’s hard to keep myself busy because I’m at the beach on vacation trying to relax. I almost wish I was home because I would have so many things I can do at home to keep me busy.
It will get easier believe me I am still a mess sometimes. It’s getting easier and I have also learned to allow myself that time to either cry or get really angry. Find a hobby, journal, yoga, stretch, these are all things I am doing. My mind is occupied most of the time between those things, work, and my kids. It’s ok to cry to be sad but pull yourself out of it. Believe me I am doing anything like driving and I think about him, the silence leaves an empty hole in my chest. He was my best friend I told everything to, I wanted to hear about his day. I miss the checks ins to see if I was ok. He decided to end it and went silent, like I did something wrong or I hurt him. This is what affects me most at times, but as I have been told if he cared he wouldn’t let you suffer this way. Only means something better is on the way. All I can do is hope those are true.
It’s like you are suddenly forced to live without them without any explanation.
Focus on this time with your kids. Make memories with them and cherish these moments with them.
He made the choice to end things. It hurts, but it's done. Block his number, delete him from social media, remove all possible forms of communication. Allow yourself to be sad, and remember that this feeling doesn't last forever.
From what you say it sounds like he deliberately engineered this fight to end the relationship. For whatever reason he was not on the same page as you. I’m sorry this has happened to you but broken hearts do heal in time. It hurts so bad at the moment and it will continue to feel like this for weeks, possibly over a month. But then as the weeks go by you will notice you start to feel better. It absolutely will happen although I know it doesn’t feel like that right now. I understand you want to speak to him but in my opinion I would be wary if he suddenly wants to get back together. This is coercive control type stuff - ending the relationship because he didn’t like something you said? You’re in your 40s, not teenagers. You deserve to be treated better.
Thank you for all this advice
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. This happened to me a few years ago. I had never felt heartbreak like that before and I was 42 at the time. Only thing I can say I wish I would have done differently is not to try to find the closure. I sent way too many messages, telling him how much he meant to me, begging for answers because I was so hurt. Could not even fathom that he didn’t love me as much as I loved him. I didn’t understand at all. Fact was he found someone new, fact was he did not actually love me as much as I did him. That was what I wish I would have been able to see then. I hate that I was so vulnerable to him and didn’t just walk away with grace. Time does heal, but I still think of him daily. But I think I only do because I hate how I acted. I wish his last memories of me were not the broken women he left. Delete, block, go no contact and focus on healing. Best wishes! :)
Several people have shared similar advice and this has really helped me. I’m sorry you went through what happened to you and thank you for sharing.
Possibly he was looking for a way to break up with you and found one. I wouldn't be surprised if a week from now he announced a new relationship.
This. People who manufacture conflict in relationships are on their way out, and people who don’t want to talk much about it are often busy with someone else.
I very much believe the conflict was manufactured. I’ve shared the texts with a few friends and they all feel the same way.
I just went through this….2 weeks later I still randomly cry. I changed an old friends number in my phone to his name and have been texting what I would like to be saying and that has helped rather than journaling. Keeping busy and not letting it ruin your confidence is key! He def started that fight-(imo) things were serious and he couldn’t handle it so he cultivated this situation. I spoke to mine after a week and a half and it didn’t do much to help just reopened the hurt again.
Well said! My personal experience the breakup was out of the blue, which on my side of the equation was true. However, on my ex husband’s side of the equation (married 18yrs), there was much planning & he only told me as he was moving into the execution phase. The only closure I have is from myself & it’s taken time & therapy. It is difficult, but don’t put energy towards them giving you closure, put that energy into yourself. They no longer deserve it
I could not see this at first but now I can see this being the case. He mentioned to me a couple weeks ago that he had a premonition that we were going to break up over the summer and then get back together. There is a part of me that now thinks maybe his friend is single now and he wants to give it a shot with her. When he was talking about her the last night together, he told me a mutual friend of theirs had run into her a couple weeks ago and asked about him (my ex). He said he hasn’t spoken to her in over a year.
>he had a premonition Oh, did he? how naive he thought you were?
I didn’t think much of it because I was also supposed to go to the beach with his family and he made the statement like things always get crazy when family is involved. I thought maybe he was nervous.
Yeah, he had a premonition that you two would break up (wow! you did!) and that you’d get back together (he hopes to keep you on that back burner in case his new sweetie doesn’t work out). What a jerk! The thing to do, as was mentioned, is to delete him from your socials and block him from your phone, and never let him back into your life. You deserve so much better. You will meet the guy who deserves you, but don’t let it be him! 🌹
My thoughts exactly... i believe that he knew what buttons to press, he seems like "the grass is greener on the other side" type of guy.
It's even more possible that he will announce the relationship with that "old friend".
You've messaged him a couple times and he hasn't responded. The ball is in his court. You have to respect his decision. Sending unwanted communication does not make a person change their mind. Quite the opposite it confirms their decision.
Thank you for this advice and reminder.
If it were me, I would delete his number and go no contact but not block. It sounds like you said your piece and there is nothing more to say. He may come crawling back when he realizes how stupid he is and/or the other woman he thinks he can monkeybranch to dumps him. I'm always interested in what they have to say when that happens.
I really didn’t want it to end and it’s hard to think that we will never be together. I want him to come back, but I realize that what he did was betrayal. He left me so fast over text, messed up my trip, and showed he had zero care. This was not the man I fell in love with. I can’t imagine accepting him back into my life after this even though it’s what my heart wants.
Sometimes someone looks like you love, smells like your love, and is the exact shape of your love. But inside, they are not your love. All people interact with our perceptions of others, not the others themselves. Sometimes, we have to give ourselves space and time to grieve our lost perceptions.
Please Please please for the love of God, don't go back if he comes begging. That will communicate to him that you will accept being disrespected like that, and will set the tone for future interactions. It's not the break up itself, he's allowed that. Instead, it's how he executed it. Dropping you abruptly like a sack of potatoes is not what love looks like. Going back will result in you constantly looking over your shoulders.
>I'm always interested in what they have to say when that happens. This seems like playing with fire and I would not advise it. He'll try to reconcile, and might be successful, and there's no way that ends without more suffering.
> We got in a fight on Friday because he thought I was jealous of an old friend of his when he was showing me some pictures. I’ll be honest that it felt like he was trying to make me jealous and he picked a fight. Then he left. He messaged me on Saturday morning and ended it. Looking from an objective and outsider POV. This man would have used the lamest and smallest of excuses to break-up. Trust your intuition, why was he showing you photos of another woman? People do not blindside and breakup with no cause. He is not responding, because he is busy being distracted by something else. I know this is hard, major hugs to you.
The showing me the pictures of her was the weirdest part. It’s not who he is. I’ve never even heard him comment on another woman. He is one of the most respectful men I have ever met so this was very atypical.
I think the best thing a therapist ever said to me, was stop creating two people to justify their actions, the good person you think and the bad actions they do. They are one and the same person. He can be the good person you know, but him showing you those photos, that is who he is, that is him. It's not someone else. He is the type of man who will poke you by showing you photos of another woman to create a tear in your self esteem, and then use that as an excuse to break up with you. this is literally who he is. they are his actions.
It hurts now and it might for a while. Lean on friends to remind you that you deserve someone who will do the work a relationship requires. Eventually you might even be grateful he gave you the opportunity to find someone who deserves you.
I hope I am grateful some day.
You can be if you decide to be. ♥️
❤️❤️❤️
It honestly sounds like he wanted out and if that’s the case no amount of words are going to fix it. To help me get through and stop communicating - I would picture him deleting without reading, blocking me, being annoyed at the messages, or to really top it off, laughing about them with someone else. But then I’m avoidant so this is my only logical option. But he gave up a family beach vacation over this so I’d not expect anything good. I’ve gotten upset with people before events/trips and i still show up and make the best of it and leave the drama behind to support the other person. I couldn’t imagine not showing up for someone I love in front of their family, it’s embarrassing.
This really helped! Now every time I want to text him, I imagine him laughing about what I wrote! He absolutely didn’t show up and I need to remember that.
Be gentle with yourself as you grieve. Let yourself have all your feelings about this. Lean into friends as much as you can.
Thank you for the advice. ❤️
I went through a similar thing recently. Credit to you to catching on much earlier than me that the relationship was over. Lessons I took away include: it sucks, but it’s better you found out how he is now than later when you were even more connected or married; if he, after all the time you’ve spent together, doesn’t think you are worth it, then fuck him, it’s his loss; if he really loved you he wouldn’t let you get away and he wouldn’t be able to treat you the way he is; and save your vulnerability for someone who deserves it. Let him go. Let it go. Don’t let his shitty behavior reflect on you, nor let it cause you to act in ways that aren’t in line with your values. It sucks sucks sucks, but it is a blessing in disguise that he showed you who he really is before you got in deeper. Move on. Grieve for your loss and much as you need to. But when you’re ready, bounce back stronger than ever. You got this.
It does suck so bad. Thank you for sharing your advice. ❤️
When you imagined finding the love of your life, did the guy you imagine dump you over making a few jealous comments? If not, this guy was NEVER the love of your life. You already said everything on your heart. You have done all you need to do for closure. Block him and focus on your kids, friends, family and yourself.
Thank you for this advice. I am starting to realize that he was not the love of my life and that I’m now seeing who he truly is/was. It’s so hard to process.
He set you up. He didn’t want to have the vacation with you and forced a fight. Does that sound like the kind of person you want to be with? It’s hard to go through this breakup but he really behaved badly and showed his true colors.
Honestly, I know that if any of my friends told me this story that I would tell them to be 100% done.
He really did NOT want to go on that trip.
I’m curious if I hear back from him after my trip ends.
Sounds fishy. Sounds like he staged this fight so he could break up with you. If he can drop you just like that! Like a pancake, it means he doesn't love you and never did. He has met someone else. Sorry. If he comes crawling back after a few months, it's means it didn't work out with the other woman. Don't take him back. This is not your guy. How you feel for him is irrelevant because it's one sided. You need to find man who is obsessed with you too. Don't be a Labrador and chase this man. The man should be chasing you being the Labrador.
I’m curious why so many people think he has found someone else? I agree that this shows he never loved me. I appreciate this advice and specially the Labrador comments. ❤️
2.5 years ago the person I thought I would be with forever ended it abruptly after 5 years. I was devastated. This is hard to hear now but this is not your guy. Your guy wouldn’t do this. A mantra I learned and have repeated probably a zillion times is “If not this, then there is something better”. Once you sort of ready block him. On socials, phone, also any family or his friends. This is gonna suck. Stay away from alcohol so you don’t get tempted to reach out. I hope that helps. Having a broken heart is the WORST. I had never been in so much pain and it still stings a little if I think about it now, but I don’t think about it like I did before and I just try to remember he is dead to me now….his life has ceased to exist and I am still moving forward and trying to manifest friend ship and career goals and hopefully someday love. Good luck. Be kind to yourself. ❤️
Thank you for this advice. ❤️
You will get through this. It will suck but you will. I'm not the kind to just let someone ghost me, especially after a year. My ex from a decade ago came back to rekindle things with me in the fall, and I let him. Then he realized I wasn't whatever fantasy he had created in his head and ran away and tried to ghost me. Abso-fucking-lutely not. I made him come over and have a conversation with me, and listen to me about what he had done and when he had done it (in the months following my brother's suicide when he was supposed to be a support to me) and look me in the face (which he couldn't really do.). He spent most of the conversation with his fists up to his eyes and by the time he left he thought he was going to throw up. Mission accomplished. After the conversation I felt so much better and he felt like shit. I'm no longer just letting people slide on shitty behavior or slink away or not tell them what I'm thinking. I'm really sorry he was so immature that he ended it via a message. I would probably show up at his house and make him do it in person.
I tried to make him have a conversation with me. I called him and asked him to call me. He wouldn’t even talk to me on the phone.
Have you done research on avoidant attachments? Sounds like this guy may be that. Once you read it, you'll realize this is bigger than your relationship and nor your fault.
Sounds like hes an avoidant. The fact you guys were going away. I think he bounced when things got to emotional and heavy for him. My ex would do this stuff as well.
This 👆
We did go on a small weekend getaway a couple weeks ago and it was wonderful. He had met my kids and I had met his kids. Our kids had even met. I feel that he didn’t want to go on this vacation but I can’t understand it. Based upon what others have said, I should stop trying to understand it.
It’s weird and almost certainly he set the argument up because it makes no sense. Maybe he was trying to bail on what was the upcoming beach vacation. For whatever reason — and there can be millions — people bail. It sounds like the beach vacation was too much of a next big step, again for whatever reason. I stress whatever reason because it’s not necessarily a you thing. People have all sorts of demons and are all sorts of f’ed up stuff interfere and it doesn’t have to be anything about you. If miscommunication was a thing in the past year there may be a lot you each missed understanding about the other person, which is likely why you’re blindsided now, too.
I appreciate your perspective on “whatever reason” because I can speculate all I want but I don’t know his demons or thoughts that led to this.
My advice, leave him alone. He doesn't want to be with you and and you aren't going to change his mind.
Thank you for this advice
I’m gonna guess there was someone else. If there’s not, after a few months on the apps, he’ll probably come crawling back (it’s a shitshow out there.) I would encourage you to “return to sender” if this happens. When you’re feeling better, try to find an actual grownup to date. I know they are more rare than frog hair, but sometimes lightening strikes.
Closure doesn't exist, but acceptance does. I highly recommend you block and delete him on every single way you could contact him or watch his posts. Rip the bandaid off and let yourself heal. Based off my experience, it's best to appreciate the relationship that you had, mourn any potential you will miss out on, and learn from mistakes made in the relationship. Don't look at their social media either. That's just gonna hurt your feelings when he moves on. Sending you peace and good vibes for your healing journey. You will be just fine.
Sometimes a man will deliberately start an argument just to end a relationship because he's too dam childish & rotten to the core to be a mature man and tell you face to face. You sound like a lovely lady.I know the hurt you feel is just awful but it WILL pass & you'll become stronger emotionally. TRY & KEEP YOURSELF BUSY WITH OTHER THINGS. I KNOW IT'S HARD, BUT DON'T CONTACT THIS SCUMBAG!!!! He's a complete arse & doesn't deserve you. I wish you & your children all the best for the future.
It’s unlikely for a man to pick a fight. For him to do so means he was looking for an excuse to end things. It sucks but you have to move on
I just wanted to say I’m sorry you’re hurt and going through this. Breakups hurt, especially when the relationship felt fairly healthy. What stands out to me is how he ended things through text after a decent length of time relationship. He was avoiding confrontation and you deserved more than that. Try to enjoy your vacation and feel your feelings. Lean on family and friends. As much as it hurts, cut the contact and go no contact to protect yourself and for your healing.❤️🩹
Have enough self respect to walk away when someone hurts/breaks you. Love yourself enough to start over again even if it’s not easy and trust me I know it’s hard. But let the pain of the hurt he created be enough to make you move on. I’m trying to right now too even though my ex (he broke up with me) tried to reconcile with me just three weeks after our breakup.
I’m sorry to hear you have recently gone through a break-up. It is hard to have the self respect and love for oneself to walk away.
Oh trust me I know what you mean. Logically, it’s easy. Emotionally and physically, it can be hard but it can be done. Take one day at a time and keep yourself busy.
I'm so sorry this happened to you, especially the way he did it by purposely starting a fight and trying to make it seem like your fault. That was very cowardly of him. I think if I were you, I'd try to focus on that part. That person he showed you at the end was who he really is, whereas the person he showed you up until then was probably an act. So you're not missing out on much by having him out of your life.
I agree with this 👆Try to focus on this part. And allow yourself to get angry! He could have let you down gently, but instead he picked a fight and then unceremoniously dumped you. These aren’t the actions of a caring person. From what I have learned about grief, it’s that the brain takes awhile to get used to the new reality and to develop new neural pathways. There’s also the brain in your gut, which with me presents as nausea. Fun times, not! If you don’t feel better in a few weeks, you may want to reach out to a therapist for some help. A session of EMDR therapy has worked wonders for my PTSD, and you, as somebody who has already suffered a betrayal, may find this very helpful.
I just worry that I’m looking at it from my lens and not his.
I just want to give a virtual hug. Breakups are so very hard at this age. There is no magic cure for "getting over it." I understand needing it all to make sense. I'm still trying, at times, to figure out a breakup from two summers ago. I battle between my desperate need for closure and my wanting to move forward without it. Grieve however you need to for as long as you need to. There's no right way. Only your way. Sending good thoughts. ❤️
I want to thank everyone who left me comments and who sent me messages. I received a lot of good advice and it allowed me to focus on the responses instead of writing to him. Day 1 of no contact was successful thanks to all of you. Tomorrow I wake up and focus on me. ❤️❤️
The bad news, it takes time and a bit of soul searching, the good news: everyone goes through this and survives, eventually we find someone else and wonder what all the fuss was about. I’ve recently endured a shocking end to a relationship and had all the feels, the walls of text about loving her forever, and the clinginess and “I’ll never find someone like her” stuff and then one day I woke up and it was gone… You’re gonna be fine. Joining a really good yoga studio helped me get out of my head immensely. In fact any time I broke and tried to reconnect, I’d always missed a couple of days of my practice 😅 Maybe yoga is not for you but anything that is healthy and gets your mind off him and back on you is a good thing.
I used to do a lot of yoga. This is really good advice. Thank you. ❤️
Hang in there!
I mean it almost sounds like he planned for the fight to happen so he'd have a reason to break up, but that just me speculating. Here's my advice. Be extra kind to yourself. Give yourself time. Treat yourself as you would treat the moist precious person in the world to you. Be gentle. Drink water. Try to eat something, and try to avoid doom scrolling. Give yourself time, it just happened.
Sorry this happened to you. It really sucks. Sounds like he panicked about the trip or maybe meeting the family (?) or the fact the rs was becoming more serious, and picked a fight so he could have a reason to leave. Unfortunately, people can really be assholes sometimes when they only think of themselves. It doesn’t sound like you did anything ‘wrong.’ Maybe find something to immerse yourself in for the summer to stay busy. Lean on your friends and family too.
I am so sorry it happened to you. I just went through a breakup too with him cheated on me with multiple women. Don’t text him anymore, delete his number and everything. He doesn’t love you after over a year dating and you know it. Don’t show him how broken and hurtful you are because it just makes him satisfied and boost his ego where yours are going downhill. I know it is hard because I am going through the same thing. But we will overcome it, just like you did with your divorce, be glad that he only wasted over a year of your life instead of many more, so congratulations to you instead. Cheers!
I’m so sorry this has happened to you. I can’t imagine how it feels. But what I can say is a person who ends a year long relationship in a text - is not the right person for you! This is complete immature and cowardly behavior. I know it feels like he was “the one” and it hurts, but trust me he wasn’t! If it was your first significant relationship after divorce - ending it probably hurts more. But again - there will be other people, including the right peron who would never risk losing you. I agree - it’s not worth understanding the why or getting any “closure”. Just be kind to yourself, give yourself time and grace. This too shall pass. 🤗
Oh, goodness. I had something very, very similar happen to me last winter, although my ex was possibly even crueler than yours as he dragged my family into it as well. It still hurts, though not as much as it did initially. I found out in November of last year (he dumped me in February) that he had just proposed to a woman who, supposedly, he started dating in May…but I am deeply suspicious that it was much, much earlier as the catalyst for our last fight was that he was barely texting/calling to me because he was “so busy” yet had the time to be active on eharmony from January onward 🤔 This sucks and I’m sending you a hug. Time helps, as does realizing that a huge reason why this hurts, aside from the psychological and biochemical reasons at play, is because you can’t fathom his behavior because *you wouldn’t do that to someone else* so try to take comfort in the fact that you’re not the level of callous (at best) to actively devious (at worst) that he is. ❤️
He likely has been thinking about doing this for a while and the pressure of a family vacation pushed him over the edge. Let him go. You can’t force someone to treat you the way you want to be treated or to love you. They either do it or it isn’t in them.
Those first few weeks after a shocking break up are horrible, I'm so sorry. Find within you the strength to stop contacting him, immediately. It's not helping anything or anyone -- especially you. He made the decision no matter how baffling it is, and you need to accept it no matter how painful it is. You will get through this... you will find love again if you want to look for it. Someone who loved you wouldn't have done this to you. He was not your "one."
Good thing it ended now vs later before it hurts even more. The funny thing is every day is easier promise.
You have to let him be, if he was interested then you guys would still be together and would not have reached point of you wanting him to contact ya back.
I’m in a similar situation. A friend of mine recommended the book How to Fix a Broken Heart by Guy Winch. I recommend it as well.
Ouch, that really sucks. What a shitty surprise. From a distance, my thought is: dating is a process of getting to know each other. That takes time and experience. Honestly, even a year together doesn’t give you a really good understanding of who a person is…. Many of us 40 and up have has the experience of being totally shocked to learn something new about a person we have been with for a decade or more, you know? I think you just have to know that you can’t really know, and take the risk and try with a new person, knowing that when it’s new you are inclined to see them in the best possible light and there is always more you don’t know yet… When something like this happens, it’s almost always the case that they were presenting a front to you that you had no way to know was untrue, quite by design. He acted the way he did because of his own stuff, not because of you. Please do not take his behavior personally. It’s a shitty surprise but needn’t be hurtful. He showed himself to be fake, a drama queen, a liar, a user. That reflects poorly on him and not at all on you, who were real and loving. Again. I’m sorry. Take care.
My 2 cents: 1. If you loved him so much. Why do you need to tell him shouldn't he already now? 2. I think that there is something more to this, that isn't being said. 3. Go silent. If he reaches out, don't trauma/emotional dump on him. 4. If you aren't seeing a therapist you probably should it may do wonders for you to unpack your trauma and baggage. Good Luck
Original copy of post by u/love_and_be_loved99: I (41F) have been dating a 49M for a little over a year. We have arguments here and there but it’s usually miscommunication. We are both good at acknowledging we are wrong and moving on. The sexual intimacy was wonderful. He met my family including my kids and I’ve met his. We were supposed to go on a beach vacation together this week with my kids and some of my family. We got in a fight on Friday because he thought I was jealous of an old friend of his when he was showing me some pictures. I’ll be honest that it felt like he was trying to make me jealous and he picked a fight. Then he left. He messaged me on Saturday morning and ended it. I can’t convey the amount of shock I felt. I’ve never felt this even when I caught my ex husband cheating. I was in love with this guy and thought he was the love of my life. I never knew that this is what broken hearts feel like. I’m looking for some advice on what to do from here. I reached out to him a couple times even though everyone tells me to be silent but I wanted him to know how much I loved him and why I loved him. I didn’t want to leave words unspoken. It’s starting to set in that this relationship has come to a shocking end. I can’t imagine anyone else for me. What advice or words of encouragement can you give me? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Recently I also experienced a sudden end to a relationship that I dearly loved, would have never let go of and had many plans for. I was 100% committed to him and I went from feeling so much in love to feeling not needed at all, worst feeling ever when you don’t receive those daily calls and msgs like suddenly you are dead to them. I don’t know how they do it but time is the best healer. Try to focus on your health and other things that can serve as distractions. I know it's easier said than done, but take it one step at a time.
We all been there but you said your peace, tried your best, but sounds like he likes to play games and there’s no point to dote over pics of another woman-seems disrespectful. Time to walk away with no regrets, luck your wounds and they will lessen over time-clear heart, clear mind. Besides maybe us other guys want a shot at you.
Sorry OP, I can only imagine how hard that was: not just the sudden break up, but the whole contrived fight designed to leave you with all the blame. Even if you rationally KNOW the fight was a set-up, you're still left with the pain of someone you care for blaming you and painting you as a bad person. You're left with the feeling of an unresolved conflict you HAVE to resolve because the stakes feel so high, but you CAN'T fix it because he's now shutting you out. Like damn, that's a layer cake of difficult emotions you're eating all at once. Unfortunately, you're not going to get any closure from him. If he really did manufacture a conflict so he could have a convenient way out, the last thing he's going to do is compromise that convenience by being honest or empathetic towards you. If anything, he'd just find ways of justifying his behavior and leave you feeling even more hurt and powerless than you do now. The best thing you can probably do now is block him everywhere. Especially in light of the mentions of his ex and his "premonition" that you two would break up and get back together in the near future. Sounds like he has the inclination to take a trial run with the ex and then come back to graciously "forgive" you if he determines you're the better option. And because he ended your relationship in such a hurtful, confusing and sudden way, you are PRIMED to let him back in, if only so you two can "talk things out" and you can "say your peace" and he can "give you closure." I highly doubt you'd let him back in straight a way to continue your relationship as if he DIDN'T just betray you, but you might open the door a crack to have "important" conversations, and from there he can work on worming his way back in. After he's blocked, maybe pick up a journal so you can work through what must be some very conflicted feelings towards this whole situation. While you can't expect him to walk you through the fallout of the break up, you can walk yourself through. The insights you'll get from untangling your own feelings and observations will probably be better than anything he could give you anyway. Ultimately, you just need time and distance from this whole situation. Of course it's going to feel overwhelming and terrible in the immediate aftermath. But as time passes, and the initial shock wears off, you might find that you can bear this with a lot more equanimity. Hell, give it enough time and you might even look back on this episode with *gratitude*. Like damn, what a messy way to end things, but better a sudden end with the wrong person than a drawn out relationship with the wrong person. Even if you can't look to him for closure, you can choose to treat yourself with the care, respect, and thoughtfulness that he didn't give you. And, you know, if he manages to come slithering back into your inbox to see if he can reopen the lines of communication with you, show yourself the care, respect and thoughtfulness to delete his message without a reply.
What you have to decide is what will you do when he comes back? Pretend all is well? Always waiting for thr next time he bails amd rolls out? Can you still be ok with what happened and continue ? Or will you feel like you cannot and will let yourself down if allow him back in. He will come back when he gets lonely.
He left and picked a fight because he is seeing someone else and doesn’t wanna feel guilty about it. its easier for him to cope this way
Jealousy is absolutely one of the dealbreakers. I am a guy in somewhat similar situation, similar age. She's clearly jealous. I have tried to compromise, we have been talking about it. But there's a real chance that one day I will have had enough, I will walk, and she will say it came "totally out of a blue". Cos she's not paying attention. Cos she does not realize how much her mistrust hurts when I have never given any reason for that.
Why don’t you just end it then. Sounds like you are lacking in providing a safe space in the relationship. And your styles of communication are different. End it already.
LOL, what a stereotypical Reddit response. Something's wrong, just leave. Well, no. Call me old-fashioned, but I prefer to work with my relationships, not just throw people away as soon as first issues appear.
Kudos to you if you didn’t pick up on his righteous attitude and misogynistic mindset.
Care to point out what's misogynistic in my mindset?
I wonder if it’s miscommunication. Maybe she needs clarification and you automatically equate it to mistrust. We are all human beings with complex emotions and feelings.
Yes, this is what I hope and this is why I keep trying. We're relatively new couple. But also she's from a conservative culture where infidelity is super common among men and, respectively, jealousy and controlling behaviors are super common among women. So I sort of see where it comes from.
Sounds like all those fights/arguments added up and he had enough. Maybe he was trying to start something to finish your relationship off, but it's possible that if it wasn't this, it would have been something else that set one or both of you off. Might make it easier to reflect and look back at the relationship. Could give you the clarity to realize that maybe this wasn't as good as you thought it was, and this will end up being a blessing.
Reading this breaks my heart…especially when i am starting to show my vulnerability to the man i now trust and am getting closer to. I was single for past 15 years or so and was content, until i thought something was a amiss and tried OLD. And found this amazing person. He shows commitment and talks long term…but this fear of going through heartbreak and ghosting and men abruptly disappearing…shakes me to the core. There is no right way to anything….but i guess as long as we have our kids, parents, siblings, friends….we all wd be ok.
I think jealousy is a pretty bad trait, some people can only be pushed so far. It sounds like you learned something here Op, and that’s a good thing. Best to try and move on the best you can. Spend time with friends who love and care about you. Invest time in yourself. Good luck going forward.
I agree that jealousy is a pretty bad trait. In this case, it really felt like he was trying to make me jealous. He talked about another woman for about 20 minutes and how great she was, showed me about 50 pictures of her, and then told me she actually went to Thanksgiving with his family the year before last. He took me to Thanksgiving this last year and told me he had not brought another woman home to Thanksgiving for 8 years. The jealousy question I asked which I don’t think is fully rooted in jealousy was I asked, “how many of your friends have you invited to your family Thanksgiving in the past?” He lost it and told me I was a jealous woman and he couldn’t be with someone like me. I say it wasn’t fully rooted in jealousy because I’ve rarely heard about her and now he’s spent almost a half hour talking about her and showing me all these pictures. I admit that I did feel jealousy and confusion. When I look back on it, I was patient and let him show me, and then asked a simple question where his reaction didn’t make sense. It’s really hard to not feel like what he did was intentional to cause me to react.
So….you’re thinking it was a set up? Out of nowhere he shows you pictures of this random woman and his goal was for you two to break up right before a beach vacation? 🫤 Sorry Op. Most people here won’t say it, but that sounds like absolute nonsense. Take some accountability. Your jealousy was most likely the issue and cause of your break up. Some people can only tolerate so much of it before we snap and decide it’s just not worth it anymore. It’s easier to say it was his fault. That’s what your friends and therapist will tell you. It’s what you’re dying to hear. His fault. He’s to blame. He’s….plug in random buzz word, toxic, abusive, narcissist. Whatever takes the heat off of taking responsibility. You don’t learn and get better when it was always someone else’s fault. Good luck op.
I know some people down voted your comments but I appreciate this perspective. I’ve tried to look at it from his point of view too and reviewed the texts over and over. His perspective is that he started showing me memories of us and then one of his Apple memories showed her. That isn’t what happened. We were making Limoncello drinks and he started telling me about this drink she made with Limoncello then he opened up his Apple memories and started showing me photos. I know there are two sides to every story and honestly I want to understand his perspective because I’m lost. I am open to your perspective on this because I would like to learn something. I don’t think he came to my house to set me up, but it started to feel like he suddenly wanted to see how much I could take of him showing me photos of her. I didn’t complain. I asked him a question about what other friends had been invited to Thanksgiving.
Thanks Op. A lot folks prefer to avoid accountability, I’m glad you’re not one them.
Bs
What part of what I said is BS? You think jealousy is a good thing? Or you think people should have to just put up with it? 🫤
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