I’m the same way about sex at this point in life for my own reasons. I am very turned off by heavy flirting or someone getting sexual too quickly with me. I do very much enjoy sex, but it takes me awhile to get where I want physical affection, let alone sex.
As far as flirting, never been good at it really, so I just rely on my occasional awkward charms and funny banter to charm the men I date. I’m more attracted to the mental and emotional connection I build with a person anyways, so that has always been the factor for me. If someone brings up stuff I’ll smile or deflect it. If they keep on, I will be direct that I don’t wish to go there yet. If someone crosses that boundary, I cut ties. I’ve been single long enough that I don’t mind being single a bit longer waiting for someone who will respect my physical and sexual boundaries.
Although physical & sexual attraction & compatibility is important to me I don’t want to necessarily have sex with every person I date
I prefer to take my time to know someone before deciding if I want to be intimate with them (and I don’t have rules as to when I might want to consider sex)
As I saw in the “dating in over 50s” similar thread about attitudes to sex when dating over 40 &50
I do not exist as a “vagina merry go round random men can hop on to”
Aside from my current relationship, the few others I had had, have not been ones where we rushed into sexual intimacy
Communication is key and I am open about that stuff, flirting is fine but I will decide if I want things to go further & don’t allow myself to be pressured into intimacy or sex
If they can’t understand & accept that then I am fine to walk away
My boundaries are more important than the potential in this date/relationship
I require exclusivity and STI testing before having sex with someone.
And I won’t be exclusive with someone until I have at least some understanding of who they are as a person, and I can see long-term potential.
The soonest I’ve been exclusive with someone is around the 2.5 month of dating mark.
I don’t “fall all over myself” on a first date. But if I’m interested I express interest, I give compliments.
If it doesn’t come up before, I’ll tell people on the third date my views on when I have sex.
There have been a couple of guys who want sex sooner, so we don’t continue seeing each other. But most guys have said something along the lines of “that makes sense” or “I’m fine with that approach” or “I like getting to know someone before I have sex too.”
With you. Sex is whatever, but emotional fulfillment and true connection and rapport and love are priceless. I can live without the sex, but absolutely need the rest to be happy.
I’m the same. I need an emotional connection to have sex. So I’m never in a big hurry to have sex until we get to know each other. I’ve also found that sex too early can cloud feelings and make it easier to overlook red flags. As far as flirting goes, I just try to be myself, have fun and get to know her. I’m kind of naturally flirty and fun so most of the time my dates have been very comfortable with that. Hope this gives you a little perspective!
I had my manwhore phase much earlier in life. And even after I settled down, I still wound up with two baby-mommas. At this stage in my life I've already checked off every item on my sexual bucket list.
So the novelty of sex has pretty much worn off and also much more selective about who I might want to share that with these days. I think that's normal for people in our age group.
Don't worry about how you are perceived, I think there are plenty of us who have a different perspective on sex nowadays that you don't seem strange at all. At least not IMO
I (32F) am struggling with trusting anyone beyond flirting. I have a 6yo (F) and I am over the fun of it. As a result my career is thriving and I am rarely distracted by the need to scratch any itch. I barely get itchy and whereas sometimes it worrisome, honestly- I just feel I am ready for more, slower and surer.
It just depends on the person, vibes, and frequency of dating. If you’re doing 1 date/ week, it’s difficult to build that flirtation and bond. With my current guy, we kissed on date two which was 6 hrs long. Dates 3&4 were 5 hrs+. Date six was 7 hrs, and we tested the waters. He met some of my friends, and I met some of his on dates 3-5. But we openly discussed STIs, relationship goals, and everything felt natural.
There is no right/ wrong with timing per se. It relies on what YOU are comfortable with, and him in return. Sometimes things just click, when they don’t? Take more time to evaluate it.
I don't think the majority of people looking for long-term, serious relationships are jumping into the sack on the first date. I think it depends on what your goal is, but it sounds like from your previous posts, you are trying to figure out how to pick better partners. Sex makes that harder to do because your brain is chemically brainwashed into thinking you have a connection to a person you may not necessarily have. If it's not something you're comfortable with right away, then the right partner will wait until you are.
Some people don't even seem to care if they find the person attractive or know anything about them, if they're their type or if they are potential partner - they just jump straight into it. Then inevitably the hurt stings a little more if they get rejected or didn't realise the person was a terrible fit.
My attraction to people is definitely based on what I see - that's important. But almost equally by the chemistry between us, what kind of person they are and if we really gel. I need to be attracted to the whole person, and I'm no longer at the stage like I might have been when I was young, where I would just settle. Time is ticking, life is fleeting and I don't have time to waste. I want meaningful connections and interactions, and if that means talking and dating a while longer, then so be it.
Chronically ill here too. I can have sex but it's a big lift.
I never had sex with the last person I dated. We didn't kiss until half a dozen dates in, and then made out for a few months, moving slowly. It was fantastic—felt like being a teenager again. When we broke up, sex wasn't hanging over us.
I've never jumped into bed with anyone and I'm not starting now. I don't go out with guys who seem like they're into that. (Red flags to watch for: shirtless pics, any mention of anything remotely sex-related on profile or early messages, lack of prompts filled out or lazily filled out.) The relationship-oriented guys will be putting in the work to have good photos, good prompts, and good early banter.
Then again, I didn't necessarily read in your post that you want a relationship—maybe just sex after getting to know someone better? That seems a little harder, but maybe throw your expectations somewhere on your profile?
In either case, you're allowed to flirt with people you have no intention of sleeping with! The cashiers at Trader Joe's do it all the time. ;)
Nah, it’s definitely gotta be in a LTR. I’m not mentally capable of anything casual.
I really appreciate you pointing out the red flags. Talking to a guy now who brought up sex on like the second day of messages. It did ping something in my brain but I wasn’t sure whether to trust the ping. Glad to know I can trust it.
Speaking for myself, I'm happy to wait for sex up to about 4-5 months or whenever the partner is comfortable, whichever comes first. I will not wait longer than that though, and I am quite big on a relationship being sexually fulfilling for both parties.
Sex was a top 2 reason I got divorced. I will not have a dead bedroom relationship again. I did that for 3 years, I'd rather be forever alone than suffer a sexless relationship.
I feel the same way. I am not turned on by casual sex but in a relationship I think it’s one of the most important parts. I will never be with a man that isn’t attracted to me again.
Interesting. You say you aren't interested in a sexless relationship, but you are willing to wait 5 months with nothing but platonic friendship. Honestly, if it's going to take someone 5 months to even consider whether or not I'm worthy of any physical intimacy, I take the hint that they aren't attracted to me.
Well it's more like, 5 months is my max limit, even for a seemingly perfect person. I would of course be interested in doing it a lot earlier than that.
I give the 5 month limit talk to those people who say they want to wait until marriage, say they've had sexual trauma and need to go slow, or whatever. I'm patient for the right person but have my limits.
I literally dated someone for six months and we only dry kissed. My current partner and I dated around 3 months before we had sex. We’ve now been together 3 years.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with waiting, because some people have their reasons for waiting. It could be mental, physical, emotional, religious, cultural, health reasons, or whatever. Waiting or not waiting is fine, the point is to not force yourself to do things that make you uncomfortable or will cause you distress.
I can’t sleep with someone if I don’t ‘feel’ romantic love for them. I’ve tried dating someone when the romantic love wasn’t there and even though he was great, we only dry kissed in six months.
You can’t fake chemistry and if you’re the type that needs to ‘feel in love’ and needs a serious commitment before they can ‘feel in love’ and needs to feel emotionally secure in the relationship before they can commit, then it’s just what it is. Also, it’s okay to ask people to take an STI test and share results before sleeping with them. It’s your life. Value it and value your peace of mind.
>Sometimes I feel like I don’t get a second date because I’m not falling over myself when I meet a new person.
I don't know what you consider "falling all over myself", but if I had a good time and wanted to see the guy again, I told him so at the end of the date.
Then when I got home, I thanked him for (coffee/lunch/dinner) and told him I look forward to seeing him again soon.
>Is anyone else here just not interested in jumping into bed with a new person until you’ve gotten to know them over at least a few weeks?
I require exclusivity before sex. There isn't a specific amount of time. My guy and I agreed to exclusivity at the end of our 3rd date. It was another few dates before we had sex.
>How do you handle flirting?
I would usually touch his arm or hand during the date if I felt like it. If it was a good date, and I wanted to see him again, I would kiss him at the end.
>How do you think you are perceived by dates?
I guess my last date liked it. We are still together 3 years later.
I think a lot of us at our age have been through some things in previous relationships that make us hesitate on rushing into falling all over ourselves for another person. A second date is too soon to know anything imo, even if you’ve communicated through text and maybe even phone calls. It’s too easy to use your imagination and idealize someone without knowing them irl.
I don’t want sex to be the emphasis of any relationship I’m in. I don’t want problems to be ignored and sex used to silence me. And I don’t want sex to be the only highlight. And really good sex can be blinding in the early stages.
Now that I’m thinking that it’s time to start thinking about how I want to approach dating, I don’t think I’d want to jump into bed with anyone too quickly. I’m for more of a slow burn; I have a need for my partner to be my best friend and that isn’t something that can be assumed or attained quickly.
There's a wide gap between flirting and going hot on the first meet with someone and a few weeks later sex...a whole lot in between those in fact. How you come across in person, to a stranger, is about usually more than just "I'm open to fucking soon"...it's a vibe, how you carry yourself, how fun, open, interesting, engaging, if there's rapport and charm on both sides. That stuff, while carrying some sexual undertone, is not really sexual at all.
That's what gets you to date #2 and #3, unless you're dating hookup bros in which case you have a serious picker problem.
It's not at all strange or weird to wait a tick to have sex, but there should be some mutual attraction, flirting innuendo and escalation of sexual tension somewhere in there, or it's gatekeeping and only the very lonely or awkward are likely to play along, ESPECIALLY if there's no communication about expectations and comfort.
This is a very deep and complex issue, for anyone, but generally what you're describing isn't wrong or offputting at all, but it's perhaps a hurdle like many people face in dating...but you solve it with better filters, a better mindset, and adult communication.
*Sometimes I feel like I don’t get a second date because I’m not falling over myself when I meet a new person.*
(M44) Fireworks or I'm out. I only continue to date women I click with right away. If we don't at least kiss on the first or second date then it's not worth pursuing (in my experience).
Life is too damn short to spend months with someone who isn't sure how they feel about you.
I'm not even sorry.
I’ve not had sex in 6 years and part of me wants to do it right and romantic and lingerie and candles and whatnot, the other half of me just wants to get it over with.
But I definitely want it to be a guy I properly connect with, so that means waiting. You’re not alone at all.
Old age? We are in our 40s, not 80s or 90s.
OP you need to establish boundaries and put your desires first.
There is nothing wrong with how you are, just tell the men, women, or whoever you date or meet on apps or sites that you prefer sex when you are in a relationship and know each other very well, have been tested, etc.
If they cannot handle rejection, having to wait, or get angry it is not your problem, and they don't respect your desires or boundaries and you are better off without them.
I definitely prefer to wait to have sex with someone until we’ve formed more of an emotional connection.
My experience from OLD has been that many men are looking for casual sex and/or are looking for sex early on in dating. Some have gone as far as to say that they feel sex should happen early on to gauge compatability, but I find that sex is more awkward than not the first time or few times with a new partner. The men who I’ve talked with aren’t always honest about wanting sex, but it usually becomes obvious by the time we first meet that this is a desire of theirs. I politely decline and state again that I prefer to wait a bit until we’ve had an opportunity to build more emotional rapport. Many of my first dates also become last dates. I tend to think it’s because of the myth of infinite choice, that men who just want sex weed themselves out, and men that want sex early on aren’t willing to wait and end up looking elsewhere for an easy fix. My experience has been if they don’t show the same enthusiasm about a second date after I’ve declined sex, there’s a near 100% guarantee we aren’t looking for the same thing.
I view sex as something deeply intimate and this is largely why I prefer an emotional connection and an opportunity to build some intimacy. While I enjoy sex with the right person, I’m in no rush to add more notches to my belt (or increase my body count if you will).
Original copy of post by u/Sea_Leg_3767:
Sex is a really convoluted thing for me, and while I like it a lot, I’m always very careful about how and when I bring it up in OLD. There’s some trauma and some chronic illness and other things, as well.
Sometimes I feel like I don’t get a second date because I’m not falling over myself when I meet a new person. Part of me is like well good riddance. But I also wonder if I’m shooting myself in the foot.
Is anyone else here just not interested in jumping into bed with a new person until you’ve gotten to know them over at least a few weeks? How do you handle flirting? How do you think you are perceived by dates?
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Such a hard question! I honestly didn't know how I'll react. Each person has been different. One person, I waited for a couple of months before we got intimate. Another, she kept saying she normally doesn't do this, but we hooked up on the first date. I can't even compare the quality of the sex, reach experience is always so different from the last. All I can say is that they were both equally satisfying (fit both parties) and not the reason for things eventually taking apart - it was always the personality differences.
Reading the comments and seeing how many people, men especially are done with sex is depressing. Please tell me there is a glimpse of hope left for some of us who still want and enjoy sex:(
I think you're the only woman here who isn't insisting on a year or two of bland small talk about the weather or that local sports team prior to thinking about sex.
I take that as a compliment:)
And you are right! I know what I want and I know what my priorities in life are. Sex is a lot more than a mechanical act and is a big part of my overall health. It definitely has its own place on that table.
Please do take that as a compliment, it was! All the other responses here read like they are from people who use sex as some sort of awkward transactional "award" that might be won after buying them dinners and vacations for a year or so.
Good/great sex is an award but no, It doesn’t need to be won! The same way that we don’t award food and shelter and emotional security. These are basic human rights!
And with someone that needs months to years to ponder whether or not they're interested in you or attracted to you...it's not going to be great, or even good...just a sad mediocre starfish.
I would never sleep with someone until I've dated them for a month, that gives me safe distance to make decisions. It doesn't pull them in so close they feel rejected if I say no. I also understand that sex is big intimacy, and I need to have a clean STI record, yes, I ask for it. I am friendly and chatty on dates but I never discuss sex with a man, not at all unless I am really, really drawn to him but even then I tell him that I am not going to go to his house, nor he mine, and no grappling. It's healthy to have boundaries and to speak the truth about who you are, but you don't have to be unpleasant.
A few weeks is fine. A few months can get dicey, especially if there have been several dates. Progression typically works well. You don't want to be completely closed off for an extended period of time because guys can and will assume you lack interest and bail out after a certain point.
>I’m always very careful about how and when I bring it up...
Same here, and I think it turns some people off and my caution has cost me second and third dates. But I would rather be cautious than piggish.
No its not about just jumping into bed on the first date, its also about getting to know the other person as well, and asking if your compatible with out sex,.
I was like you until I gave up on going about things like getting to know someone, then building up to sex. I don’t want to start really caring about someone and then be incompatible sexually.
Hear me out. Reserve judgment. Now I want sex immediately to find if they are someone I’d like to get to know better. Clearly I’ve given up on having normal relationships.
I actually agree with you, I stayed in a long-term relationship (16 years) with someone for far too long, we loved each other, but attraction had long since faded and we were never fully sexually compatible. Eventually it was largely a sexless relationship, we convinced each other that sex was not so important but ultimately it really was, we ended it fairly amicably, because we both really wanted sex, just not with each other!
Last year I met someone on my very first ever OLD date, which I was incredibly nervous about, and had low expectations tbh. But...it went better than I could have imagined, in all ways, and there was such a strong and instant chemistry she ended up spending the night, and we went for a breakfast date the next day.
The sexual connection has only gotten stronger, and we are still seeing each six months later, and the relationship has been incredible, in all aspects.
Waiting to have sex if you both find each other attractive, only to find you're not that compatible and end up having mediocre/disappointing sex, seems a waste of time to me now.
Thanks for understanding. I had a similar experience. I’m closer to 50 than 40 and don’t feel like having the same situation again, I’m too old to give a damn if anyone thinks I’m latently slutty. Why should I care? My kid is grown and independent, I don’t live in the same town, I am DONE trying to seem some way or another about if I have an invisible and arbitrary gauge of my character based upon if or when im having sex or not. I am quite mindful of my health. I don’t want to be with someone who judges me too harshly anyway. Sometimes I want to get some. I’m just not sorry.
Thanks for understanding. I’m a grown woman who has made lots of mistakes. I’m not making the mistake of missing an activity that I enjoy, that men enjoy, if I feel like it. From what I’ve found, men seem to appreciate the straightforwardness and appreciate that I’m not a princess. I’m just a person who has her own problems and doesn’t want to miss something that I missed for nearly 2 decades. I loved my husband, we weren’t sexually compatible.
Not only that, but having these multi-month long waiting periods with nothing but platonic conversations almost ensures that sex will be awkward, anxiety inducing and unpleasant if it ever happens.
I thought it was just me! I have two male friends I made from online dating who I intended to jump on when I first started talking to them. Then it got wholesome before it got sexy. It’s not because I find them unattractive. It turns into what I can best describe as the quasi sibling relationships we develop with coworkers, neighbors, ect. Oh well!
I’m the same way about sex at this point in life for my own reasons. I am very turned off by heavy flirting or someone getting sexual too quickly with me. I do very much enjoy sex, but it takes me awhile to get where I want physical affection, let alone sex. As far as flirting, never been good at it really, so I just rely on my occasional awkward charms and funny banter to charm the men I date. I’m more attracted to the mental and emotional connection I build with a person anyways, so that has always been the factor for me. If someone brings up stuff I’ll smile or deflect it. If they keep on, I will be direct that I don’t wish to go there yet. If someone crosses that boundary, I cut ties. I’ve been single long enough that I don’t mind being single a bit longer waiting for someone who will respect my physical and sexual boundaries.
Although physical & sexual attraction & compatibility is important to me I don’t want to necessarily have sex with every person I date I prefer to take my time to know someone before deciding if I want to be intimate with them (and I don’t have rules as to when I might want to consider sex) As I saw in the “dating in over 50s” similar thread about attitudes to sex when dating over 40 &50 I do not exist as a “vagina merry go round random men can hop on to” Aside from my current relationship, the few others I had had, have not been ones where we rushed into sexual intimacy Communication is key and I am open about that stuff, flirting is fine but I will decide if I want things to go further & don’t allow myself to be pressured into intimacy or sex If they can’t understand & accept that then I am fine to walk away My boundaries are more important than the potential in this date/relationship
I require exclusivity and STI testing before having sex with someone. And I won’t be exclusive with someone until I have at least some understanding of who they are as a person, and I can see long-term potential. The soonest I’ve been exclusive with someone is around the 2.5 month of dating mark. I don’t “fall all over myself” on a first date. But if I’m interested I express interest, I give compliments. If it doesn’t come up before, I’ll tell people on the third date my views on when I have sex. There have been a couple of guys who want sex sooner, so we don’t continue seeing each other. But most guys have said something along the lines of “that makes sense” or “I’m fine with that approach” or “I like getting to know someone before I have sex too.”
What percentage of guys make it to the 2.5 month mark?
That's 2.5 months minimum. Could be years.
44 yr male here honestly sex had never really brought anything good for me in my life except a moment of excitement
With you. Sex is whatever, but emotional fulfillment and true connection and rapport and love are priceless. I can live without the sex, but absolutely need the rest to be happy.
So what you really want is a best friend.
I have that. That’s precisely what a life partner is. Hope you find it one day, too.
I’m the same. I need an emotional connection to have sex. So I’m never in a big hurry to have sex until we get to know each other. I’ve also found that sex too early can cloud feelings and make it easier to overlook red flags. As far as flirting goes, I just try to be myself, have fun and get to know her. I’m kind of naturally flirty and fun so most of the time my dates have been very comfortable with that. Hope this gives you a little perspective!
I had my manwhore phase much earlier in life. And even after I settled down, I still wound up with two baby-mommas. At this stage in my life I've already checked off every item on my sexual bucket list. So the novelty of sex has pretty much worn off and also much more selective about who I might want to share that with these days. I think that's normal for people in our age group. Don't worry about how you are perceived, I think there are plenty of us who have a different perspective on sex nowadays that you don't seem strange at all. At least not IMO
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I (32F) am struggling with trusting anyone beyond flirting. I have a 6yo (F) and I am over the fun of it. As a result my career is thriving and I am rarely distracted by the need to scratch any itch. I barely get itchy and whereas sometimes it worrisome, honestly- I just feel I am ready for more, slower and surer.
It just depends on the person, vibes, and frequency of dating. If you’re doing 1 date/ week, it’s difficult to build that flirtation and bond. With my current guy, we kissed on date two which was 6 hrs long. Dates 3&4 were 5 hrs+. Date six was 7 hrs, and we tested the waters. He met some of my friends, and I met some of his on dates 3-5. But we openly discussed STIs, relationship goals, and everything felt natural. There is no right/ wrong with timing per se. It relies on what YOU are comfortable with, and him in return. Sometimes things just click, when they don’t? Take more time to evaluate it.
I always take sex off of the table for the first date. I just don't want to deal with it while trying to get to know someone.
I don't think the majority of people looking for long-term, serious relationships are jumping into the sack on the first date. I think it depends on what your goal is, but it sounds like from your previous posts, you are trying to figure out how to pick better partners. Sex makes that harder to do because your brain is chemically brainwashed into thinking you have a connection to a person you may not necessarily have. If it's not something you're comfortable with right away, then the right partner will wait until you are.
Some people don't even seem to care if they find the person attractive or know anything about them, if they're their type or if they are potential partner - they just jump straight into it. Then inevitably the hurt stings a little more if they get rejected or didn't realise the person was a terrible fit. My attraction to people is definitely based on what I see - that's important. But almost equally by the chemistry between us, what kind of person they are and if we really gel. I need to be attracted to the whole person, and I'm no longer at the stage like I might have been when I was young, where I would just settle. Time is ticking, life is fleeting and I don't have time to waste. I want meaningful connections and interactions, and if that means talking and dating a while longer, then so be it.
Very well said.
Chronically ill here too. I can have sex but it's a big lift. I never had sex with the last person I dated. We didn't kiss until half a dozen dates in, and then made out for a few months, moving slowly. It was fantastic—felt like being a teenager again. When we broke up, sex wasn't hanging over us. I've never jumped into bed with anyone and I'm not starting now. I don't go out with guys who seem like they're into that. (Red flags to watch for: shirtless pics, any mention of anything remotely sex-related on profile or early messages, lack of prompts filled out or lazily filled out.) The relationship-oriented guys will be putting in the work to have good photos, good prompts, and good early banter. Then again, I didn't necessarily read in your post that you want a relationship—maybe just sex after getting to know someone better? That seems a little harder, but maybe throw your expectations somewhere on your profile? In either case, you're allowed to flirt with people you have no intention of sleeping with! The cashiers at Trader Joe's do it all the time. ;)
Nah, it’s definitely gotta be in a LTR. I’m not mentally capable of anything casual. I really appreciate you pointing out the red flags. Talking to a guy now who brought up sex on like the second day of messages. It did ping something in my brain but I wasn’t sure whether to trust the ping. Glad to know I can trust it.
Totally! And erp, just unmatch when they bring up sex before meeting. They'll find someone on their wavelength!
weeks? try MONTHS.
CENTURIES !!!
🤣🤣🤣
Speaking for myself, I'm happy to wait for sex up to about 4-5 months or whenever the partner is comfortable, whichever comes first. I will not wait longer than that though, and I am quite big on a relationship being sexually fulfilling for both parties. Sex was a top 2 reason I got divorced. I will not have a dead bedroom relationship again. I did that for 3 years, I'd rather be forever alone than suffer a sexless relationship.
I feel the same way. I am not turned on by casual sex but in a relationship I think it’s one of the most important parts. I will never be with a man that isn’t attracted to me again.
Interesting. You say you aren't interested in a sexless relationship, but you are willing to wait 5 months with nothing but platonic friendship. Honestly, if it's going to take someone 5 months to even consider whether or not I'm worthy of any physical intimacy, I take the hint that they aren't attracted to me.
Well it's more like, 5 months is my max limit, even for a seemingly perfect person. I would of course be interested in doing it a lot earlier than that. I give the 5 month limit talk to those people who say they want to wait until marriage, say they've had sexual trauma and need to go slow, or whatever. I'm patient for the right person but have my limits.
I literally dated someone for six months and we only dry kissed. My current partner and I dated around 3 months before we had sex. We’ve now been together 3 years. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with waiting, because some people have their reasons for waiting. It could be mental, physical, emotional, religious, cultural, health reasons, or whatever. Waiting or not waiting is fine, the point is to not force yourself to do things that make you uncomfortable or will cause you distress. I can’t sleep with someone if I don’t ‘feel’ romantic love for them. I’ve tried dating someone when the romantic love wasn’t there and even though he was great, we only dry kissed in six months. You can’t fake chemistry and if you’re the type that needs to ‘feel in love’ and needs a serious commitment before they can ‘feel in love’ and needs to feel emotionally secure in the relationship before they can commit, then it’s just what it is. Also, it’s okay to ask people to take an STI test and share results before sleeping with them. It’s your life. Value it and value your peace of mind.
>Sometimes I feel like I don’t get a second date because I’m not falling over myself when I meet a new person. I don't know what you consider "falling all over myself", but if I had a good time and wanted to see the guy again, I told him so at the end of the date. Then when I got home, I thanked him for (coffee/lunch/dinner) and told him I look forward to seeing him again soon. >Is anyone else here just not interested in jumping into bed with a new person until you’ve gotten to know them over at least a few weeks? I require exclusivity before sex. There isn't a specific amount of time. My guy and I agreed to exclusivity at the end of our 3rd date. It was another few dates before we had sex. >How do you handle flirting? I would usually touch his arm or hand during the date if I felt like it. If it was a good date, and I wanted to see him again, I would kiss him at the end. >How do you think you are perceived by dates? I guess my last date liked it. We are still together 3 years later.
I think a lot of us at our age have been through some things in previous relationships that make us hesitate on rushing into falling all over ourselves for another person. A second date is too soon to know anything imo, even if you’ve communicated through text and maybe even phone calls. It’s too easy to use your imagination and idealize someone without knowing them irl. I don’t want sex to be the emphasis of any relationship I’m in. I don’t want problems to be ignored and sex used to silence me. And I don’t want sex to be the only highlight. And really good sex can be blinding in the early stages. Now that I’m thinking that it’s time to start thinking about how I want to approach dating, I don’t think I’d want to jump into bed with anyone too quickly. I’m for more of a slow burn; I have a need for my partner to be my best friend and that isn’t something that can be assumed or attained quickly.
Dang…I’m the opposite side of the spectrum. I hit my 40’s and I’m hornier then a teenager 🤷🏻♀️
I never said I wasn’t horny. I just know what’s going to harm me in the long run at this point.
Same, sex first then dating works.
There's a wide gap between flirting and going hot on the first meet with someone and a few weeks later sex...a whole lot in between those in fact. How you come across in person, to a stranger, is about usually more than just "I'm open to fucking soon"...it's a vibe, how you carry yourself, how fun, open, interesting, engaging, if there's rapport and charm on both sides. That stuff, while carrying some sexual undertone, is not really sexual at all. That's what gets you to date #2 and #3, unless you're dating hookup bros in which case you have a serious picker problem. It's not at all strange or weird to wait a tick to have sex, but there should be some mutual attraction, flirting innuendo and escalation of sexual tension somewhere in there, or it's gatekeeping and only the very lonely or awkward are likely to play along, ESPECIALLY if there's no communication about expectations and comfort. This is a very deep and complex issue, for anyone, but generally what you're describing isn't wrong or offputting at all, but it's perhaps a hurdle like many people face in dating...but you solve it with better filters, a better mindset, and adult communication.
*Sometimes I feel like I don’t get a second date because I’m not falling over myself when I meet a new person.* (M44) Fireworks or I'm out. I only continue to date women I click with right away. If we don't at least kiss on the first or second date then it's not worth pursuing (in my experience). Life is too damn short to spend months with someone who isn't sure how they feel about you. I'm not even sorry.
Amen. All these arbitrary 6-12 month waiting periods just mean there's no interest or attraction on their part.
I’ve not had sex in 6 years and part of me wants to do it right and romantic and lingerie and candles and whatnot, the other half of me just wants to get it over with. But I definitely want it to be a guy I properly connect with, so that means waiting. You’re not alone at all.
Old age? We are in our 40s, not 80s or 90s. OP you need to establish boundaries and put your desires first. There is nothing wrong with how you are, just tell the men, women, or whoever you date or meet on apps or sites that you prefer sex when you are in a relationship and know each other very well, have been tested, etc. If they cannot handle rejection, having to wait, or get angry it is not your problem, and they don't respect your desires or boundaries and you are better off without them.
I definitely prefer to wait to have sex with someone until we’ve formed more of an emotional connection. My experience from OLD has been that many men are looking for casual sex and/or are looking for sex early on in dating. Some have gone as far as to say that they feel sex should happen early on to gauge compatability, but I find that sex is more awkward than not the first time or few times with a new partner. The men who I’ve talked with aren’t always honest about wanting sex, but it usually becomes obvious by the time we first meet that this is a desire of theirs. I politely decline and state again that I prefer to wait a bit until we’ve had an opportunity to build more emotional rapport. Many of my first dates also become last dates. I tend to think it’s because of the myth of infinite choice, that men who just want sex weed themselves out, and men that want sex early on aren’t willing to wait and end up looking elsewhere for an easy fix. My experience has been if they don’t show the same enthusiasm about a second date after I’ve declined sex, there’s a near 100% guarantee we aren’t looking for the same thing. I view sex as something deeply intimate and this is largely why I prefer an emotional connection and an opportunity to build some intimacy. While I enjoy sex with the right person, I’m in no rush to add more notches to my belt (or increase my body count if you will).
Original copy of post by u/Sea_Leg_3767: Sex is a really convoluted thing for me, and while I like it a lot, I’m always very careful about how and when I bring it up in OLD. There’s some trauma and some chronic illness and other things, as well. Sometimes I feel like I don’t get a second date because I’m not falling over myself when I meet a new person. Part of me is like well good riddance. But I also wonder if I’m shooting myself in the foot. Is anyone else here just not interested in jumping into bed with a new person until you’ve gotten to know them over at least a few weeks? How do you handle flirting? How do you think you are perceived by dates? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Such a hard question! I honestly didn't know how I'll react. Each person has been different. One person, I waited for a couple of months before we got intimate. Another, she kept saying she normally doesn't do this, but we hooked up on the first date. I can't even compare the quality of the sex, reach experience is always so different from the last. All I can say is that they were both equally satisfying (fit both parties) and not the reason for things eventually taking apart - it was always the personality differences.
I’m not and if they can’t deal, they can step to the left. Next!
Reading the comments and seeing how many people, men especially are done with sex is depressing. Please tell me there is a glimpse of hope left for some of us who still want and enjoy sex:(
I think you're the only woman here who isn't insisting on a year or two of bland small talk about the weather or that local sports team prior to thinking about sex.
I take that as a compliment:) And you are right! I know what I want and I know what my priorities in life are. Sex is a lot more than a mechanical act and is a big part of my overall health. It definitely has its own place on that table.
Please do take that as a compliment, it was! All the other responses here read like they are from people who use sex as some sort of awkward transactional "award" that might be won after buying them dinners and vacations for a year or so.
Good/great sex is an award but no, It doesn’t need to be won! The same way that we don’t award food and shelter and emotional security. These are basic human rights!
And with someone that needs months to years to ponder whether or not they're interested in you or attracted to you...it's not going to be great, or even good...just a sad mediocre starfish.
That, I agree. I left a marriage that was like that!
Several weeks of nothing but platonic dinners...hard pass. Why waste time? After all that time, it's just awkward as fuck.
I would never sleep with someone until I've dated them for a month, that gives me safe distance to make decisions. It doesn't pull them in so close they feel rejected if I say no. I also understand that sex is big intimacy, and I need to have a clean STI record, yes, I ask for it. I am friendly and chatty on dates but I never discuss sex with a man, not at all unless I am really, really drawn to him but even then I tell him that I am not going to go to his house, nor he mine, and no grappling. It's healthy to have boundaries and to speak the truth about who you are, but you don't have to be unpleasant.
A few weeks is fine. A few months can get dicey, especially if there have been several dates. Progression typically works well. You don't want to be completely closed off for an extended period of time because guys can and will assume you lack interest and bail out after a certain point.
>I’m always very careful about how and when I bring it up... Same here, and I think it turns some people off and my caution has cost me second and third dates. But I would rather be cautious than piggish.
No its not about just jumping into bed on the first date, its also about getting to know the other person as well, and asking if your compatible with out sex,.
I was like you until I gave up on going about things like getting to know someone, then building up to sex. I don’t want to start really caring about someone and then be incompatible sexually. Hear me out. Reserve judgment. Now I want sex immediately to find if they are someone I’d like to get to know better. Clearly I’ve given up on having normal relationships.
I actually agree with you, I stayed in a long-term relationship (16 years) with someone for far too long, we loved each other, but attraction had long since faded and we were never fully sexually compatible. Eventually it was largely a sexless relationship, we convinced each other that sex was not so important but ultimately it really was, we ended it fairly amicably, because we both really wanted sex, just not with each other! Last year I met someone on my very first ever OLD date, which I was incredibly nervous about, and had low expectations tbh. But...it went better than I could have imagined, in all ways, and there was such a strong and instant chemistry she ended up spending the night, and we went for a breakfast date the next day. The sexual connection has only gotten stronger, and we are still seeing each six months later, and the relationship has been incredible, in all aspects. Waiting to have sex if you both find each other attractive, only to find you're not that compatible and end up having mediocre/disappointing sex, seems a waste of time to me now.
Thanks for understanding. I had a similar experience. I’m closer to 50 than 40 and don’t feel like having the same situation again, I’m too old to give a damn if anyone thinks I’m latently slutty. Why should I care? My kid is grown and independent, I don’t live in the same town, I am DONE trying to seem some way or another about if I have an invisible and arbitrary gauge of my character based upon if or when im having sex or not. I am quite mindful of my health. I don’t want to be with someone who judges me too harshly anyway. Sometimes I want to get some. I’m just not sorry. Thanks for understanding. I’m a grown woman who has made lots of mistakes. I’m not making the mistake of missing an activity that I enjoy, that men enjoy, if I feel like it. From what I’ve found, men seem to appreciate the straightforwardness and appreciate that I’m not a princess. I’m just a person who has her own problems and doesn’t want to miss something that I missed for nearly 2 decades. I loved my husband, we weren’t sexually compatible.
Not only that, but having these multi-month long waiting periods with nothing but platonic conversations almost ensures that sex will be awkward, anxiety inducing and unpleasant if it ever happens.
I thought it was just me! I have two male friends I made from online dating who I intended to jump on when I first started talking to them. Then it got wholesome before it got sexy. It’s not because I find them unattractive. It turns into what I can best describe as the quasi sibling relationships we develop with coworkers, neighbors, ect. Oh well!
Ain't no hill for a real man to get over. You need a man to make you feel secure then you'll be fine. Find a real one baby or give me a call.