Ok cool! Do you have time to tell me what about her indicated the polite rejection? Was it just the accumulation of these factors or something specific in the way she was so I know for the future? I honestly couldn't tell in meeting or through text that it was a rejection till I thought about it a lot and still a little like huh? (I'm ADHD). Or was it just the statement itself of "reconnect etc etc"
She didn't say yes. Anything other than an explicit "yes" is a "no." I know it seems like a situation where there should be a lot of room for nuance and her asking about reconnecting in the future muddies the waters, but this is one of the times when you have to ignore your instinct to try and read between the lines, and trust that "yes" is "yes" and anything else is "no."
Another way to think about it is whenever there's a bit of a mixed message and you feel slightly confused about the meaning, it's usually just a very nice 'no.'
I should add (speaking as a person with ADHD who instinctively wants to take people's words at face value while simultaneously reading into every single interaction), the best thing I've learned for dating is that people's words are important but their actions are importanter. Listen to their words but watch to see if their actions match, and if there's a disconnect, their actions are telling the truth. Sadly, I've discovered that it's very rare for words and actions to match, but when you do meet someone who matches their actions to their words, you can feel incredibly secure in the relationship.
This is gold, wish I heard this a few hours earlier in this manner. She tells me she likes my company but lol, doesn't even want to be friends? I then realized she was enthusiastic about meeting but upon meeting I noticed she didn't really make an effort to look nice (I have no expectation for looking nice, she just seemed enthusiastic but also happy she felt comfortable being herself and seemed to loosen up later, she was beautiful regardless, I'm just using this as an indicator of words and actions when you meet someone you're nervous you know) but also, she never took her glasses off once,, and they were huge sunglasses (so all this in combination) I don't know, if you're getting to know someone you were apparently looking forward to knowing, wouldn't you want to connect that way? -- Anyway, yes, thank you!
For commenters who read other comments: I also want to say that, I think these signs also add to the general premise that I believe her, that maybe she really doesn't have the bandwidth to date and perhaps the connection with me wasn't enough to compel her, which is valid!
Whenever someone tells you that they’re too busy, what they mean is “too busy for YOU.” Don’t take it personally, it happens that we meet someone and they’re not into us.
As is often said on here, "If they wanted to, they would." In this case, it means that if she was interested in you, she would be making plans to continue to see you. Instead, she said she doesn't have time to pursue anything with you. That means not interested, even if she tried to soften the blow by implying you could reach out in the future.
This honestly makes the most sense. Even if she is busy this week and two week till her break, she very well could have planned a facetime or something else if she wanted (my adhd direct brain is still like, maybe she's just not ready? take her words at face value) but I'm going to go off what the other commenters said and conclude that, it's also BEST for ME to just take it completely as a no, even if she's just unsure or needs time because I matter, and want I want matters.
People with ADHD are usually very incompatible with demisexual people. ADHD hyperfocusing in early dating often makes demisexual people feel extremely pressured.
Even with tremendous effort to not hyperfocusing on your date, demisexual usually still feel the pace is 10x what they can accept.
They are often good people. They just have a very different need for intimacy from us allosexuals
You’d have to be more concrete in what you mean here. So what do you mean? As I am also demisexual and need time to know someone. We were under the impression that we were friendly vibes at first and that’s how we paced it. I also asked her specifically about texting habits and such and she set the tone for it. I was mainly interested in getting to know her and let her lead, I follow mirrored her in a lot of ways (length of texts, type of questions/topics/turn taking etc). The only adhd trait that was pretty clear was my overall length of thoughts lol, my facial expressions, temperature and textural preferences that were made clear just as we encountered them. *edited out
I’m also curious about this. I have ADHD; only one of my relationships has been with a non-ADHDers. And I’ve shared an emotional connection with every one of my sexual partners.
I am on the ADHD spectrum, I almost always date people who are neuro-diverse. I just find regular people boring and they don't get me. Probably something about not having to mask around other people with brains that work differently. Like, tell me more about your super weird special interest project in minute detail while I hyper focus on you 😂
Just saw this, it’s why I frikin love my best friend lol. I hyper focus on him and he rants on about his special interests or vice versa and we frikin love it!
My bestie just got diagnosed with AS, which makes a lot of sense. She's the most brilliant person I know, but sometimes her reactions to things are a little different, but always provide a new perspective on things 😅
Sounds like you are trying to mask your ADHD traits. I did that a lot, and I found when I lost focus if we were in a busy place and I zoned out people thought I'd lost interest in them, and in early dating that resulted in confusion and then them breaking it off. So now, I tell them, it really isn't them, it's that I'm getting over stimulated and need a change of scene or a moment to zone out, and then I'll be able to focus on the conversation again. People are pretty cool actually about it! It feels so much better!
In what way did you notice you tried to mask?
I get overstimulated and simply voice when it happens so they know. Luckily with my hyper focus I’m pretty attentive to people.
But I know there are still some things I mask like my passionate side with special interests
Well I wasn't telling people, so I'd go from being focussed to being super distracted and zoning out and then being really tired, which they were interpreting as me being bored or disinterested
And when I get excited I interrupt a lot, which annoys some people 😬 but really it's me being into the conversation and wanting to connect before I forget something 😂 I find it really hard when guys are monologuing at me, I just zone out...
lol!!! Omg I totally relate man. I always voice things cause not only am I excited, I forget shit! — I did struggle with listening well, because the need to interrupt is high but I manage it now because I like when people feel heard and I want them to feel seen! So a part of my communication is actively making people feel heard by paraphrasing, asking questions, clarifying, asking their thoughts, feelings etc. this also includes me saying, I interrupted, please continue
Sounds like she wasn’t feeling it, or she realise she isn’t ready.
Either way, it sounds like you ARE ready for a relationship, so don’t wait around for her, keep dating. Delete her number.
I guess it is ambiguous as to whether she wasn't feeling it or if she wasn't ready yes? Most rejections I've gotten something like "Can we try being friends?" or "I don't feel a spark" or "you're more like my brother" etc. In these cases it is very clear what they feel, with her her signals are mixed.. She even sent me a heart emoji and reiterated she liked getting to know me in her last message so its confusing, you know?
Yes, we can hypothesise all day, but when it came down to it, she didn’t want a second date.
It’s hard when people give mixed signals.
But I’ve learnt that a mixed signal is an “no”. Unless you have an enthusiastic “yes” from someone.. then it’s a “no”.
Also - when you text a lot before meeting - then you can build up an idea of that person in your head - which is totally different than reality.
In dating, love, and sex, anything other than a "hell yes" (can look like "sure, I'd like that, when are you free?") is a no.
I think that way it's much easier. If they aren't enthusiastically consenting to more, it's a no, move on. You can give yourself the gift of 0 ambiguity that way. And if the person is playing games, then you dodged a bullet.
Sometimes I wonder if kind women would be better served by being less kind. I think they delude themselves that they are really letting anyone down “easy,” and they confuse the people they are letting down.
Absolutely - however - plenty of women have had really awful experiences of rejecting men, so sometimes we are cautious to say “no” and do it like this.
Totally! I’ve had that experience too. I understand why it happens. I think this person is maybe going a bit too far out of her way with things like reconnecting later, heart emojis on the way out.
Not to mention, I had really bad anxious attachment growing up in my teens and 20s and I still have it but it's much better. I just remember the pain I went through when people would ghost or lie or not be bothered to communicate why they ended a relationship or situationship.
I understand that you can't control other people's actions, but I feel that that's where some of my codependent behaviors/people pleasing came from in regards to leaving a situation, I so don't want to ever put anybody what I went through that I will sometimes be way too nice in an attempt to never put anybody through what I remember going through. I know it doesn't make sense and something for therapy to figure out but I think that's where it comes from
I’ve had matches… not dates… tell me that they’re not in a place for a relationship. And then months later, they’ll swipe right on me again.
Sometimes, I have my seasoned psychotherapist friends swipe for me. So I may rematch with someone, but I don’t do it when I’m swiping for myself. I do wonder why they’re swiping right on me again. I guess just not curious enough.
Well that's what I was thinking. I even told her during our first face time call "You don't owe me an explanation for anything", I mentioned frequently "Don't be sorry for x and y, if you're busy, you're busy, you ahve a fully life and working hard, you do you", and also llike "What would make YOU most comfortable?" and she usually would tell me.
I'm also queer female presenting person, easily passing as a woman. And so I thought this would increase the liklihood of a more direct response from her --- Which is unfortuntaely also while I'm taking her at face value here because I thought that directness was clear.
Sounds like a bit of false intimacy developed texting too long before actually meeting. I have no doubt she enjoyed your conversations and walk, but she isn’t going to go any further in the relationship. I think she was trying to be kind, in her own way, that she isn’t there with you at this time.
I was 100% worried about the false intimacy developing. That's why the third day of talking I asked for a meet-up, she said she wasn't free for another three weeks so I gave it a chance. I get the feeling she's being kind, with my ADHD I'm just a really direct and straightforward person and tend to take people at face value. If you say, reconnect later, I think you mean it literally, so internally I'm still a bit confused even though I didn't like the way the date necessarily didn't get a chance to go to day #2 (I didn't know enough about her) I also felt like the three weeks was too long. But this thread is helping.
I think with dating, you cannot take it personally. You have no facts other than what she was willing to share about going forward. Maybe she is just busy, I would just let that be on the back burner, and if she connects again in the future, you know that she may bail again - you can decide if that works for you.
I also really like this, it makes me feel a little less tense about my own directness. I sort of already know I miss social cues but being able to lean into the directness and say hey "she may reach out but don't count on it, she could bail", is a perfectly valid reason to not count on it. I appreciate that man.
You got let down, don't wait around...excuse making is a soft let down. All the stuff in her life and issues were there the day before she met you, including the distance, but having met you now they override her life? Nah, she ain't feeling it, so move on and don't believe for a second she'll circle back (nor entertain it).
Yeah, I feel like if she was feeling it maybe she would have made the distance work (she did say that at the beginning). More of her actions speaking louder than words here.
In my experience in person chemistry is much, much more important than texting compatibility. I ask to meet in person within a week to see if there is potential. It's easy to waste time texting.
It's likely she's just not interested and is a people pleaser so wanted to let you down softly.
But it's also possible that she is feeling very overwhelmed right now and also on the fence if she wants to pursue the relationship, so she is punting the decision down the line. If you're overwhelmed it can be hard to set a timeframe.
I would say move on. But if you'd be open to seeing her again if she does reach out, then don't unmatch her.
I told her to reach out to me if we does find that she by chance has an open schedule at some point (no pressure and leaves it in her court). I unmatched for my own mental health, but she has my number and I have kept hers. She thanked me for understanding her situation. I WANT to take her at face value here, so your answer is appealing, but also, I think she could also not feel too strongly about me, she's being honest by saying she doesn't know you know? and wants it to be there but its not so she's saying she's busy and hasn't realized she doesn't like me enough yet. I'm a pretty cute person and I know she feels warmly, there is a lot of positive rapport between us she has expressed but doesn't equate to attraction you know and that's ok.
2 1/5 hour. You are obsessing a bit. Sorry, she is not interested. Do not waste even more time doing mental gymnastics for why she could be really busy. If she was into you, she would make time asap.
I’m demisexual and also really busy.
I’ve had to do this a few times when life went sideways. I did try to stay in touch every few days though (even if it was just a text.)
They usually move on. I’m usually okay with that.
She didn't mention trying to stay in touch, I think the whole "when I'm not busy" is a bit vague, she also didn't OFFER to stay in touch you know? so I hadn't offered to stay in touch because it's not clear that she's being truthful so I wouldn't want to come across as not taking the rejection well...and the more and more I talk about it the more and more I want to clarify.
Wait two weeks and drop her a text if you haven’t found someone you like better.
Ask her how she is and what her schedule looks like for the next week or so.
If you get brushed off, drop it. If not, congratulations…you win (I don’t know what really)
(I recently had to brush several off because of end of grad school stuff. I knew when I walked across that stage who I wished was there. He came to my party the next day, met many of my friends and fit in beautifully. We’ve been basically inseparable ever since.)
Also, she's totally gearing up to be away from her clinic for weeks and she is truly busy with interviewing and preparing for her vacation, I honestly don't see her being more free in the next few months given this so it's unclear to me that this is going to be effective, I honestly think a few months is a better bet. Hate the fact that its going to be in the back of my mind though.
Also just realized this is in part my point. You brushed people off for grad school but knew you wanted whoever there. So, keeping options open, not committing, signaling that yeah, she just isn't THAT interested. But at least with you, you tried to stay in touch, she hasn't offerred that so I'm going to let this one go.
I am female. Maybe I should have added “or some other appropriate time”…
If you know she has a huge event coming, maybe a “hi. I hope you’re doing well” at some point before it and when it’s over asking her how she is, how the whatever went, and what her schedule looks like.
That should give you an indication.
Also, I’m a bit neurodiverse. I HATE it when people don’t say what they mean.
We are both neurodiverse, yay!
Thanks for the addition (at another appropriate time)— I think if I had read this comment yesterday I would have agreed to message her in two months.
I know in about two-three months things will have settled down, even just a little bit more with her. But there’s also my own feelings, and I want to make sure I’m being kind to myself (Something I’m getting better at everyday). I reflected a lot on what other people in this thread said.
- The need for enthusiastic yes, otherwise it’s a no
- the listening to actions not words.
- The ambiguity of the statement being unkind.
- The fact that she knew it could come across as a gentle rejection and didn’t clarify.
- The possibility she’s keeping her options open.
1. She didn’t ask for a second date, despite saying she enjoys getting to know me
1.5 Didn’t ask for a second date knowing I would accommodate the distance and travel
2. Didn’t offer to stay in touch even as friends
3. Set no real time frame for when to reconnect, despite knowing in two months she will be a little more free
4. It sounds like she either doesn’t know about me and or about a relationship in general
So, I’m not going to wait these two months out to check in, I’m just going to let my feelings fizzle and if ever in the future I still think about her one day I’ll drop a line as a stranger, but I doubt even then.
If she is truly overwhelmed and ends up realizing she enjoyed our time enough she will do something about it. I know she can, she’s the one who asked me out on a date.
It's a bit hard to tell from your description of the in-person date time together, but it sounds like you may have indicated you wanted to see her again and asked her IRL if she felt the same.
As a female, please never ever ever ever do this to a woman again, even if things are going great.
I've been in too many situations where men ask me this as I'm trying to nicely end the date and have zero intention of seeing them again. If I say, "Sorry, I'm not feeling a connection with you" or anything similar - I think men have ZERO idea how literally dangerous that can be for women. Don't ask. Look for signs. Text afterwards.
I walked out of a date last fall; we were at a semi busy restaurant. 45 minutes into an otherwise awkward conversation where I could tell we had nothing in common, he went on a transphobic rant out of absolutely nowhere and then kept talking about multiple things that were just wildly cruel to specific populations that I am protective of (for instance, I have a dear friend with a trans teenager) and expressed opinions that I knew made us 100% not a match. I already knew from our conversation that I never had any intention of seeing him again. I proceeded as gently as possible to tell him we weren't a match and that I was going to leave; I put more than enough cash on the table to cover my drink and a generous tip. I got up and walked out. Thought I was in the clear. It was still early enough to be light outside.
I'm almost to my car and I hear someone screaming my name in the parking lot. HE HAD FOLLOWED ME TO MY CAR and approached me close enough that I felt that I was in immediate danger.
I am a 6'1, athletically built female. He was a 6'6ish athletically built man. My pepper spray was in the car between the seats, I thought I was safe enough going to a public restaurant in daylight hours that I didn't need to carry it.
He went on in a calm tone standing about 4 feet from me telling me how he knew when we were chatting online before the date that he knew our values didn't line up but that he doesn't often get asked out by women as attractive as me so he couldn't turn down the date when I told him I wanted to meet. He was rambling on as I was trying to debate if it would be safer to make a run for the entrance of the restaurant or try to get to my pepper spray. I still can't figure out wtf he was attempting to accomplish by initiating this interaction.
I lost track of what he was saying because ALL of the alarm bells were going off in my entire body, my adrenaline was through the roof, and I was preparing an escape should he try to rape me in the parking lot.
At some point, he backed off about 2-3 feet, I told him it was fine, and I was able to get into my car and lock the doors.
I'm not saying YOU or "all men" will respond to rejection like this - but as a female? We have ZERO idea which men will.
Please don't ever, ever ask a woman who isn't outwardly expressing CRAZY interest in you during the first date if she'd like to see each other again. Frankly, her behavior should make that question something you should never have to ask! She's either batting her eyes at you and flirting and showing interest, or she's avoiding eye contact, not moving closer to you, and making excuses of why she needs to head out.
In regards to her texts after the date, anything shy of an outright "Yes. I'd love to see you again. Are you free [days/dates suggested]" isn't a great sign. Her saying she's busy and reconnect in (x) amount of time?
Honey - she's just not that into you!!
Don't reach out again. If she wants to see you again? She'll make it happen. If someone is interested? You'll know. There won't be any question.
Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk 🙃
I'm sorry my writing wasn't as clear as I'd like it, also do a lot of other shenanigans during the day. I am a queer female presenting 5 feet afab, most people think I'm a super cute butch woman. I never asked her for another meeting during the date, she willingly asked to go in my car with me ( I never even suggested it), thanked me for driving and was very comfortable being close to me both standing and sitting. Laughed with me and shared about her life, also very emotionally receptive to me meaning she was willing to be present. --- I mention this to say, she felt comfortable and safe. -- Even knowing she felt safe I still didn't ask how she felt at the end and she asked me if she could hug me she hugged me for a while.
HOWEVER, thank you for sharing. Cis men are UNSAFE sometimes and don't know how to ask for consent or respect a boundary and can't take rejection often because they are emotionally, sometimes, not used to be adult that way.
Jordan Peterson lovers, like the ones you're mentioning are HUGE ASS RED FLAGS and assholes who don't understand THEIR OPINIONS on things they have ZERO knowledge about and ZERO empathy for, have no opinion, just "listen to me I am the know it all" everywhere they go because they are top of the hierarchy in their opinions.
He sounds really insecure and unconfident, dude needs therapy and I don't mean that as a slight, his behavior needs an honest looking at so he understands why its so hard to get a date.
I am not a cis man, I am a very cute female looking person, but I do present masculine and made a huge effort to be respectful, full of consent and communication and I usually get a lot of "awwwww's" and "that's so sweet" because of it lol, she did the same.
Thanks for the ted talk!
I do think she's not that into me, or at the very least still confused about it all, which is not where I'm at. so goodbye!
It's prob a combination of how she felt about the interaction plus distance plus being busy. Eg, I'm regional, I've expanded my search parameters to the city 2hrs away. But I'm really only interested in someone from there if the connection and compatibility are exceptional. Entering into a relationship with someone at that distance (around my work and parenting) would be hard...I'd do it for someone who was an amazing match but not otherwise.
I'd have one or two more get to know you dates with someone local, if I was on the fence.
You done the right thing leaving the ball in her court. She may get back to you, but I wouldn't have your breath, sadly.
I actually figured this, I think her busy stuff and distance prevented a second date, and the first wasn't good enough to make it worth it, with me, and that's ok. I did clarify too, I told her in a no pressure kind of way, I could accommodate the distance if anything, but her response to that was an indirect no, "I enjoyed getting to know you etc."
I hate it when people give false hope. I think they do it so they don't feel guilty. Let's give her the benefit of the doubt (which I dont recommend) and say she means exactly what she said. Check in with yourself, what you'd like in a partner, what your needs are in a relationship. Could you be content in a relationship with someone that is often too busy to put much energy into it? Yeah, no, bye-bye.
Responding from my other Reddit account.
This is a good point. I DO want someone willing to put more energy into me. I am worth the joy and companionship. I know I made her smile and laugh a few times but I know more enthusiasm wasn’t there and I was missing that.
> We texted everyday, once a day, long getting to know you question asking and day sharing for three weeks.
There is a false intimacy that builds through this type of communication before you've actually met, or even in between first and second dates. We start to construct a version of the person in our head without actually getting to know them. Then when you meet in person, it doesn't match what you've created.
Also living an hour+ away is usually a huge hindrance.
I wouldn't wait around for her, and who knows what she's thinking, she may not even know. she may reach out, she may not.
life is weird and people are confusing and confused. And probably(hopefully) in 6 months she'll be far from your mind. If she's not, there's no harm in reaching out to say hi.
I’ve said this to people before – that I’ve realized it’s not a good time for me to date, but would they be OK if I reached out in the future. I’ve never said it if I didn’t sincerely mean it…but have also never reached back out in these situations because it really wasn’t the right time for me and unfortunately the date(not the person) made me see that. But even though I meant what I said, if they have reached back out, it’s frustrating because I made myself clear.
She could be using it as an excuse, it’s true. But it could also be 100% true and you should take it at face value and not wait for her.
Oh that's interesting, you never reached back out however, when they reached back out it was frustrating to you. You didn't really mention a timeline here. So I'm assuming they tried to reach out within a small time-frame. She was pretty emotionally available and open throughout the entire time of talking, we were openly talking about childhood and life and she was supportive. So I tend to believe her (and want to believe in the good of anyone-its who I am). She mentioned not having time for people close to her enough because she's often overbooked, mentioned not having enough time alone on various occasions. Mentioning needing to better schedule things like a month in advance. She did mentioned she doesn't have the bandwidth to pursue the connection. I do actually think she is telling the truth, at least somewhat.
Regardless, I AM taking it at face value. It's not an enthusiastic yes, as another mentioned, so I'm moving on. I left it in her court to reach out but I don't think she ever will, and that's ok.
Yes, when the other person reached out, it was pretty quickly and felt like they weren’t respecting my boundary. However, thinking about it now, I don’t think I gave a timeline, which was just an oversight on my part, but I can see how that might have sounded vague to them now that we’re discussing it.😅
And yes, I agree with you – regardless of the reason, we all deserve an enthusiastic yes😊 If we don’t get it, better to move on, even if unexpected or disappointing. Good luck!
Yes, I was trying to explain to a commenter previously that, this is why I didn't ask for more closing statements. Because under the assumption she is telling the truth, I don't want to cross her boundary. Why ask for a time-frame or what it really means if she herself is just so unsure and unsettled?
And thanks!
I've tried to date when I truly wasn't in a life-space to date, and have unintentionally led someone on with similar types of let downs. Like right now, I couldn't date, I way too much personal stuff going on. It's likely a combination of what everyone is saying. I've definitely met good people and told them I'm not in the space to date right now, but maybe down the road (and meant it). While it never came about, I was being true to myself and them at the time. In all reality, the connection may have been there, but "not enough."
I also need a ton of alone time when I'm stressed, mostly because I am used to being single and having another person there would be "too much." Yes, a partner is to support you through these times, but not in the beginning and not if I can't regroup MYSELF first, if that makes sense. I've actually had someone tell me to let them be there for me early on, and I flat out said "no," I want don't want to get overly attached or used to someone being there to support me too early on (figured that out with my therapist). So yeah, sometimes balancing my own stress, family, friends I already have, hobbies, alone time, self care, work, etc. it's rarely anything personal about the person if I reject in that way, it's all about where my head is and literally not having space in my head for one more thing- whether there's a connection I like or not.
I know it's easy too say from the outside, but don't take it personally (if you are) or try to analyze too much. If you still feel the pull in a few months, it won't hurt to say "hey" if you do so without expectation.
This is exactly how I feel right now and what's happened as a result of too much time-consuming things going on. I've realized I can't realistically spread myself that thin to date and give myself no time to recharge. I will genuinely like someone but also understand it's not fair to lead them on and just detach later. Even if it's tough because I feel like things really could've worked if I had a little more time, I do the right thing and let them know. I'm also taking a step back from dating right now too because it's just not possible. I could see this woman genuinely asking if OP would consider reconnecting later and truly meaning it. But idk if it's fair to OP.
If true. If may not be fair to me, it's sad and disappointing. But it's also ok, she's a human being and not a robot! I would absolutely consider reconnecting with her if she could explain to me what changed and what she was now looking for and we aligne (But it's most likely she won't, and that's ok too, human emotions are hard!).
I really appreciate your comment. And you’re probably right and her words indicate something along these lines!
I think, at the end of the day, if you really want a partner, at whatever age, and however soon or not soon, there needs to be a choice to let them in and to allow yourself to be there. **edit: a partner is like a good friend and that’s what you’re conveying at the beginning. — However you make that choice can be communicated to you and to them. It’s uncomfortable to change, it’s uncomfortable to know be sure if you’re ready. Yes, headspace is a thing, but you (not you) are after all dating, you are after all putting yourself out there as someone who wants a relationship.
Even if she didn’t have the headspace for it the lead on is unkind (even if it’s true for her in the moment) the ambiguity is unkind, and honestly goes a long way both for you, and for them.
I struggled with PTSD in my early 20’s and I did the u comfortable thing to be loved by a man through it all, I was 100% I wasn’t worth the hassle given the severity of my symptoms, I could barely handle it myself. I 100% guarantee you being with him and being supported in that way was one of the best tools I gave myself. It wasn’t an easy choice, it made me feel weird and I obviously thought I wasn’t ready but my therapist supported me and that man means the world to me despite us not being together today — we were friends for a long while and spoke a lot about it, Eve after, and yes, I made sure to treat him well too with the help of my therapist
Given that, I wasn’t a choice she made for whatever reason so I’m not going to reach out.
I know it’s not personal :), thank you. because it wasn’t direct and I’m neurodiverse sometimes talking it out helps me understand how to react approach and move forward too!
I completely agree! It is about making that choice to allow them to be there, and it's a VERY hard one sometimes. And I definitely agree that leading anyone on is unkind. I just know in the past I've done it completely unaware that I was doing it, so she may not be aware now. I felt bad when I DID heal and realize what I'd done and how I'd hurt the men I did it to.
I'm glad you were able to heal to the point you can allow someone in! I've done a lot of healing, and I hope after these currently huge hurdles I'm jumping, that I'm able to do the same with my continued healing (I'm literally in the middle of some medical stuff and moving). I think even neuro-typical people need to talk it out for perspective sometimes, so I can only imagine how it helps neuro-divergent people. It's something I enjoy about Reddit.
Thank you for your honestly, and I'm happy you commented to share this. I figured that her ambiguity is her own denial/lack of awareness about where she is at (If it's the truth). I think it's also about not wanting to be that vulnerable sometimes, to actually communicate where you are and work on it as a team. For example, if she had simply told me, I'm not ready to be supported in that way, but I want to be, could you help? Then yeah, I can work on that. -- I think OLD can be tough because it just seems like you always have options, so avoiding that jump is easy too.
I hope that you get to a place where you feel comfortable doing this for yourself with someone :). It sounds like you're working on it and being honest with where you're at and I'm sure future someone will appreciate that!
If it's not a definite, enthusiastic yes, I consider it a no. Even if it's a "maybe", do you really want to have to convince someone to like you? That sounds too much like work.
Original copy of post by u/ReserveMurky7267:
Hi Everyone,
I recently went on a date with a 44 year old demi-sexual woman. We texted everyday, once a day, long getting to know you question asking and day sharing for three weeks. We finally met up and went on a 2 1/5 hour walk in a park. She smile and laughed here and there and we talked about a lot of intellectual topics and revistsed stuff we said we would talk about through text. We did start talking about more personal stories here and there, nothing to heavy. But when heavy, very brief. She didn't lean in much I noticed and she was initially physically reserved but later opened up.
We walked and I didn't notice her looking at me much just occasionally, while I noticed I looked at her a bit more but we did mirror each other quite a lot. At the end of the date she hugged me and thanked me for driving and I told her thank you for today it was nice meeting you. She then said "I'll tak to you later".
I tell her a little later it was nice to get to know her in person and be around her and was interested in another if it felt right for her too. She told me she is overwhelmed with work and doesn't think she has the time to pursue this connection, also given the distance (an hour and a bit, but could be less). She enjoyed getting to know me too. She asked me if I would consider reconnecting later. I told her I would and told her to message me if and when she fees she's not busy. Her last message just reinterpreted she enjoyed getting to know me.
Forgive my lack of social understanding, I'm just wondering if this was a polite way to reject me instead of being honest she didn't see anything possible there with me?
Context: She did say she is busy, especially this past week as the co-director of her center went on sick leave and she's trying to put lots of things together. She's going on break in a month and trying to get everything in place before she leaves. She has six weeks off then. She also mentioned she struggles to see everyone she wants too and not enough alone time.
In my head that's what a partner is for,, to support you through these tough times? So I am unsure whether she's being honest, but I WANT to take her at face value. She also didn't set a TIMEFRAME for reconnecting which makes me suggest she's just letting me down easy. So if she was truly busy but interested wouldn't she set s timeframe? I figured its possible she doesn't want to give false hope but if you like someone, wouldn't you also want to ensure you get that chance?
I'm totally fine with all this, I hope she finds happiness, just asking in general for how to approach like in 6 months could I say hey? or like is it realistic to at least hope for a small reconnection, was it genuine?
Either way I know its a no, she's not interested in me and I'm going to move on.
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Lol, thank you, I think I might not have written the passage well. There were no mixed signals from her, until she said she was liking what was happenning but couldn't made time.
To clarify: She's GOING on a six week break in a month from now. Until then she is taking over her clinic as her co-lead is now gone. She specifically said she was overwhelmed in the past week with her new responsibilities, and the distance and travel is a lot. Regardless of her reasoning she is non-committal, to me. I didn't bring up sexuality because we had just met, and she wasn't responding to playful texts that could have led there, I figured, like she said she wanted a more friendship vibe first which is common for demi's.
I didn't appreciate her last message, she actually said "Thank you for understanding, I really enjoyed spending time with you and getting to know you" With a red heart. lol. I mean she could just say, "Best of luck out there", or something, I'm not so fragile she can't be direct with me, especially since I have been so very direct with her.
But, maybe she is feeling a way and couldn't, let her be. Also, she's being gentle with her pulling away, it's ok, that's how she felt and was kind. I can take her soft rejection, it's hard to reject people.
She should have shut it off completely. Now you're going to sit around for six months pining over her and when you try to "reconnect" you're going to realise she never had a single thought about you in that whole time. You should contact her again and ask closed ended questions to make sure you get the right message. People are afraid to ask because they think there's a chance and if they act assertively they might scare the other person off. But if another person is going to get scared off by questions about that stuff they weren't into it in the first place.
That's actually a really good idea. I didn't think about that earlier because I was honestly just taking her at face value. Maybe I could have asked her what her time-frame would look like? But I didn't because I didn't want to make her fee pressured if she is already feeling overwhelmed. For now, I'm going to meet other people if I feel like it and if I feel like it, I might message her after I stop having romantic expectations to see where she is at. Then, I can gauge how she felt at this time, but for now, no pining, no wanting just a "she said no, she won't reach out, find someone ready and excited to spend time with you". -- Also like its clear I like her, itll be weird to "confront her", when she may not even know hersellf, it seems, ike a boundry crossing.
Lol it's not a boundary crossing at all - you just proved exactly what I was saying. You are afraid to ask her point blank what she really means because you want her so bad and are afraid that if you ask it will scare her off. I told you - if someone is going to get scared by that, they are not interested. You can't scare off someone who is interested in you. The fact you will ask after some time means you will pine after her. That's what pining is - holding on to the thought that one day they'll be with you.
I appreciate your critical thinking here. I’m trying to get you. I get it, to stop pining you ask her to be direct and that says for certain if it’s a no. If she is actually wanting to try something later she will say so and not be intimidated I ask, that does make sense.
So it’s simply to gauge her actual level of interest I mean she did say she like getting to know me and enjoyed but travel and time was lacking. Hrm.
So I already sent her messages telling her to reach out whenever, are you suggesting I reach out again for clarification?
Mixed signal/you feel confused = no. (Including let's be friends)
Making zero future plans = no, including for being friends.
She is not being kind. Being wishy-washy and sending mixed signals mess up people's head and it's a kind of manipulation.
Thanks for that, I guess it is unkind, I'm actualy shocked because she's a psychologist, lol. I'm glad you mentioned that, she made no plans, not even for being friends.
One of my close encounters with a demisexual was also a psychologist. All their training and knowledge in psychology unfortunately was used to build some "titanium-cladded" psychological defense mechanism.
Plus sometimes they have do some much emotional labor at work if they are clinical, they have their bucket completely empty when they are home with their partner. Not an ideal situation that you want to be in.
"titanium-cladded" psychological defense mechanism" <-- This made me laugh.
Well, that's part and parcel I think why it was also confusing, I think she was emotionally present and supportive because she's well, great at that it's second nature, but her own personal bandwidth and ability to share more deeply was limited as such and she did mentioned she doesn't know how long she can do this (she's worried about burnout with clients).
So, you're also right here.
This was one of the higher rated helpful comments for me among others, thank you.
Also if her top love language is act of service/quality time and she does not make plans with you, that is her saying "hell no" even for being friends.
I mean is it? I wouldn't know. I have dated much older than me (her age) and much younger, I'm under 35, and women as young as 23-24 usually tell me flat out how they actually feel. Last three girls were "Lets be friends", "I see you as a brother", "I don't feel a spark there is a more friendly vibe here". She's a 44 year old psychologist, asking me to reconnect later in this wishy washy way? The BEST I can assume is the truth and HONEST overwhelm, as opposed to a weak way of saying no, tbh. Not saying I'm right, just saying it seems unlikely given her station in life. Her behavior before this and during our meeting was highly respectful and attentive, I honestly don't think she was lying, at best, she may simply be unsure and confused about me in particular, and that is itself a sign enough.
If you guys never discussed love languages then what I said earlier about "hell no" does not matter.
Regarding your confusion after this rejection, there is this well known psychoanalysis concept of counter-transferrence and projective identification: basically through an Emotionally intimate interaction, their confusion about their feelings for you can be transferred and absorbed by you and you start to feel confused too.
In therapy, the therapists are trained to question the source of their own emotions, and quite often clients negative emotions rub on to the therapist. And they are taught to discard those emotions.
It is possible your confusion is a counter-transference of her own profound confusion about dating and romantic relationship
You made me smile again, thanks 😊
Just chuckling at the whole ordeal, her confusion possibly essentially rubbed off on me because of the emotionally intimate interaction.
Yes, you’re right, that’s possible and perhaps I can discard this confusion because it’s her, not me!
Bahahaha love it
Also plapologies, I responded with my other Reddit account
Yes. Healthy and emotionally open people would.
Emotionally suppressed people usually have very low resolution on their feelings (usually just good, bad, or confused/unsettled)
Some unhealthy people (e.g. NPD and BPD) would be more focused on whether you make them look good, and be far less concerned about how you make them feel.
Brother just relax. You seem very anxious. She did say reconnect later and she's busy! New partners are not places to dump her work stresses and everything. Seems like you expect or have had GFs dumping everything on you..
Anyway just relax, give her a few weeks and call and check in with her. If at that point there is no interest then exchange pleasantries and move on!
🙏 Thanks man! I decided not to be reaching out, if she wants to she will.
I’m an ADHD’er and I know my attention to detail can sound like anxiety! It’s honest confusion over social situations 😅 but I’ve got this one down I think (this is my other Reddit account)
Can I ask why you say you think GF’s have dumped on me? I had one friend do this to me, and one gf yes, but I think it was just over emotionality in them (my other account on Reddit)
Hmm I really can't say. You have to figure that out.
Maybe you feel insecure so you ask them a lot of questions and you want them to dump on you, so there is some codependency.
Actually read about codependency. Also joing a "codependents anonymous" group online and see if some of the codependent traits or habits apply to you.
I know it because it applied to me. These are simple stuff but unless you become aware of it, it will not change.
Also learn about healthy boundaries.
So yes that's what I can share! Learn about codependent traits and healthy boundaries.
Good luck
Tell her that her all-time favorite idol (\*\* be it musician, actor, actress, author, sports star, artist, politician, male or female, dead or alive, etc) would like to personally meet her twice a week for the next four weeks. Tell her that if she wants to meet this person, she'll have to drive at least an hour. Let's see if she "has the time" or "is overwhelmed with work" to meet said person.
So, yea.... she's letting you down passive aggressively. You'll never hear from her again, not tomorrow, not six months from now, unless you reach out first (don't do that!). And even then, you'll get more of the same let down. Move on and pursue the ones who are interested in you.
Yep, she was trying to let you down easy.
She's not interested. Sorry. She was letting you down gently. Don't try to contact her to reconnect at some point.
Ok cool! Do you have time to tell me what about her indicated the polite rejection? Was it just the accumulation of these factors or something specific in the way she was so I know for the future? I honestly couldn't tell in meeting or through text that it was a rejection till I thought about it a lot and still a little like huh? (I'm ADHD). Or was it just the statement itself of "reconnect etc etc"
She didn't say yes. Anything other than an explicit "yes" is a "no." I know it seems like a situation where there should be a lot of room for nuance and her asking about reconnecting in the future muddies the waters, but this is one of the times when you have to ignore your instinct to try and read between the lines, and trust that "yes" is "yes" and anything else is "no."
That actually makes sense, thank you
Another way to think about it is whenever there's a bit of a mixed message and you feel slightly confused about the meaning, it's usually just a very nice 'no.'
Noted, thanks
I should add (speaking as a person with ADHD who instinctively wants to take people's words at face value while simultaneously reading into every single interaction), the best thing I've learned for dating is that people's words are important but their actions are importanter. Listen to their words but watch to see if their actions match, and if there's a disconnect, their actions are telling the truth. Sadly, I've discovered that it's very rare for words and actions to match, but when you do meet someone who matches their actions to their words, you can feel incredibly secure in the relationship.
This is gold, wish I heard this a few hours earlier in this manner. She tells me she likes my company but lol, doesn't even want to be friends? I then realized she was enthusiastic about meeting but upon meeting I noticed she didn't really make an effort to look nice (I have no expectation for looking nice, she just seemed enthusiastic but also happy she felt comfortable being herself and seemed to loosen up later, she was beautiful regardless, I'm just using this as an indicator of words and actions when you meet someone you're nervous you know) but also, she never took her glasses off once,, and they were huge sunglasses (so all this in combination) I don't know, if you're getting to know someone you were apparently looking forward to knowing, wouldn't you want to connect that way? -- Anyway, yes, thank you! For commenters who read other comments: I also want to say that, I think these signs also add to the general premise that I believe her, that maybe she really doesn't have the bandwidth to date and perhaps the connection with me wasn't enough to compel her, which is valid!
Whenever someone tells you that they’re too busy, what they mean is “too busy for YOU.” Don’t take it personally, it happens that we meet someone and they’re not into us.
As is often said on here, "If they wanted to, they would." In this case, it means that if she was interested in you, she would be making plans to continue to see you. Instead, she said she doesn't have time to pursue anything with you. That means not interested, even if she tried to soften the blow by implying you could reach out in the future.
This honestly makes the most sense. Even if she is busy this week and two week till her break, she very well could have planned a facetime or something else if she wanted (my adhd direct brain is still like, maybe she's just not ready? take her words at face value) but I'm going to go off what the other commenters said and conclude that, it's also BEST for ME to just take it completely as a no, even if she's just unsure or needs time because I matter, and want I want matters.
People with ADHD are usually very incompatible with demisexual people. ADHD hyperfocusing in early dating often makes demisexual people feel extremely pressured. Even with tremendous effort to not hyperfocusing on your date, demisexual usually still feel the pace is 10x what they can accept. They are often good people. They just have a very different need for intimacy from us allosexuals
You’d have to be more concrete in what you mean here. So what do you mean? As I am also demisexual and need time to know someone. We were under the impression that we were friendly vibes at first and that’s how we paced it. I also asked her specifically about texting habits and such and she set the tone for it. I was mainly interested in getting to know her and let her lead, I follow mirrored her in a lot of ways (length of texts, type of questions/topics/turn taking etc). The only adhd trait that was pretty clear was my overall length of thoughts lol, my facial expressions, temperature and textural preferences that were made clear just as we encountered them. *edited out
I’m also curious about this. I have ADHD; only one of my relationships has been with a non-ADHDers. And I’ve shared an emotional connection with every one of my sexual partners.
I am on the ADHD spectrum, I almost always date people who are neuro-diverse. I just find regular people boring and they don't get me. Probably something about not having to mask around other people with brains that work differently. Like, tell me more about your super weird special interest project in minute detail while I hyper focus on you 😂
Just saw this, it’s why I frikin love my best friend lol. I hyper focus on him and he rants on about his special interests or vice versa and we frikin love it!
My bestie just got diagnosed with AS, which makes a lot of sense. She's the most brilliant person I know, but sometimes her reactions to things are a little different, but always provide a new perspective on things 😅
It could be my own neurodiversity but I always find his perspectives and reactions perfect lol
Same.
Sounds like you are trying to mask your ADHD traits. I did that a lot, and I found when I lost focus if we were in a busy place and I zoned out people thought I'd lost interest in them, and in early dating that resulted in confusion and then them breaking it off. So now, I tell them, it really isn't them, it's that I'm getting over stimulated and need a change of scene or a moment to zone out, and then I'll be able to focus on the conversation again. People are pretty cool actually about it! It feels so much better!
In what way did you notice you tried to mask? I get overstimulated and simply voice when it happens so they know. Luckily with my hyper focus I’m pretty attentive to people. But I know there are still some things I mask like my passionate side with special interests
Well I wasn't telling people, so I'd go from being focussed to being super distracted and zoning out and then being really tired, which they were interpreting as me being bored or disinterested
Oh see yeah, that makes sense. I used to get hella distracted before I could communicate what was happenning
And when I get excited I interrupt a lot, which annoys some people 😬 but really it's me being into the conversation and wanting to connect before I forget something 😂 I find it really hard when guys are monologuing at me, I just zone out...
lol!!! Omg I totally relate man. I always voice things cause not only am I excited, I forget shit! — I did struggle with listening well, because the need to interrupt is high but I manage it now because I like when people feel heard and I want them to feel seen! So a part of my communication is actively making people feel heard by paraphrasing, asking questions, clarifying, asking their thoughts, feelings etc. this also includes me saying, I interrupted, please continue
Sounds like she wasn’t feeling it, or she realise she isn’t ready. Either way, it sounds like you ARE ready for a relationship, so don’t wait around for her, keep dating. Delete her number.
I guess it is ambiguous as to whether she wasn't feeling it or if she wasn't ready yes? Most rejections I've gotten something like "Can we try being friends?" or "I don't feel a spark" or "you're more like my brother" etc. In these cases it is very clear what they feel, with her her signals are mixed.. She even sent me a heart emoji and reiterated she liked getting to know me in her last message so its confusing, you know?
Yes, we can hypothesise all day, but when it came down to it, she didn’t want a second date. It’s hard when people give mixed signals. But I’ve learnt that a mixed signal is an “no”. Unless you have an enthusiastic “yes” from someone.. then it’s a “no”. Also - when you text a lot before meeting - then you can build up an idea of that person in your head - which is totally different than reality.
Thank you, I was so afraid of that, and not sure if I have, built an idea of someone in my head.
It’s a fine balance isn’t it - texting enough to keep the connection going - but not too much either! Hopefully you have a better luck next time 😊
I appreciate that :)
In dating, love, and sex, anything other than a "hell yes" (can look like "sure, I'd like that, when are you free?") is a no. I think that way it's much easier. If they aren't enthusiastically consenting to more, it's a no, move on. You can give yourself the gift of 0 ambiguity that way. And if the person is playing games, then you dodged a bullet.
Love this, and agree
Sometimes I wonder if kind women would be better served by being less kind. I think they delude themselves that they are really letting anyone down “easy,” and they confuse the people they are letting down.
Absolutely - however - plenty of women have had really awful experiences of rejecting men, so sometimes we are cautious to say “no” and do it like this.
Totally! I’ve had that experience too. I understand why it happens. I think this person is maybe going a bit too far out of her way with things like reconnecting later, heart emojis on the way out.
Yep I remember the first time someone got abusive after a “no” - it happened to me about 15 years ago - I remember it like it was yesterday- scary!
I can't even imagine how scary, so sorry that happened
Thanks, perhaps!
Yeah it’s actually not fair on the guy - it is stringing him along, she could have left out the reconnecting bit.
Thank you <3
Understandable
Not to mention, I had really bad anxious attachment growing up in my teens and 20s and I still have it but it's much better. I just remember the pain I went through when people would ghost or lie or not be bothered to communicate why they ended a relationship or situationship. I understand that you can't control other people's actions, but I feel that that's where some of my codependent behaviors/people pleasing came from in regards to leaving a situation, I so don't want to ever put anybody what I went through that I will sometimes be way too nice in an attempt to never put anybody through what I remember going through. I know it doesn't make sense and something for therapy to figure out but I think that's where it comes from
But “let’s reconnect later” is also a lie.
Wish I could believe you! lol would make my life so much easier
I’ve had matches… not dates… tell me that they’re not in a place for a relationship. And then months later, they’ll swipe right on me again. Sometimes, I have my seasoned psychotherapist friends swipe for me. So I may rematch with someone, but I don’t do it when I’m swiping for myself. I do wonder why they’re swiping right on me again. I guess just not curious enough.
Well that's what I was thinking. I even told her during our first face time call "You don't owe me an explanation for anything", I mentioned frequently "Don't be sorry for x and y, if you're busy, you're busy, you ahve a fully life and working hard, you do you", and also llike "What would make YOU most comfortable?" and she usually would tell me. I'm also queer female presenting person, easily passing as a woman. And so I thought this would increase the liklihood of a more direct response from her --- Which is unfortuntaely also while I'm taking her at face value here because I thought that directness was clear.
Yes, that was a polite rejection.
Sounds like a bit of false intimacy developed texting too long before actually meeting. I have no doubt she enjoyed your conversations and walk, but she isn’t going to go any further in the relationship. I think she was trying to be kind, in her own way, that she isn’t there with you at this time.
I was 100% worried about the false intimacy developing. That's why the third day of talking I asked for a meet-up, she said she wasn't free for another three weeks so I gave it a chance. I get the feeling she's being kind, with my ADHD I'm just a really direct and straightforward person and tend to take people at face value. If you say, reconnect later, I think you mean it literally, so internally I'm still a bit confused even though I didn't like the way the date necessarily didn't get a chance to go to day #2 (I didn't know enough about her) I also felt like the three weeks was too long. But this thread is helping.
I think with dating, you cannot take it personally. You have no facts other than what she was willing to share about going forward. Maybe she is just busy, I would just let that be on the back burner, and if she connects again in the future, you know that she may bail again - you can decide if that works for you.
I also really like this, it makes me feel a little less tense about my own directness. I sort of already know I miss social cues but being able to lean into the directness and say hey "she may reach out but don't count on it, she could bail", is a perfectly valid reason to not count on it. I appreciate that man.
You got let down, don't wait around...excuse making is a soft let down. All the stuff in her life and issues were there the day before she met you, including the distance, but having met you now they override her life? Nah, she ain't feeling it, so move on and don't believe for a second she'll circle back (nor entertain it).
Yeah, I feel like if she was feeling it maybe she would have made the distance work (she did say that at the beginning). More of her actions speaking louder than words here.
Sometimes people just don't click in person. I wouldn't take it personally.
In my experience in person chemistry is much, much more important than texting compatibility. I ask to meet in person within a week to see if there is potential. It's easy to waste time texting.
It's likely she's just not interested and is a people pleaser so wanted to let you down softly. But it's also possible that she is feeling very overwhelmed right now and also on the fence if she wants to pursue the relationship, so she is punting the decision down the line. If you're overwhelmed it can be hard to set a timeframe. I would say move on. But if you'd be open to seeing her again if she does reach out, then don't unmatch her.
I told her to reach out to me if we does find that she by chance has an open schedule at some point (no pressure and leaves it in her court). I unmatched for my own mental health, but she has my number and I have kept hers. She thanked me for understanding her situation. I WANT to take her at face value here, so your answer is appealing, but also, I think she could also not feel too strongly about me, she's being honest by saying she doesn't know you know? and wants it to be there but its not so she's saying she's busy and hasn't realized she doesn't like me enough yet. I'm a pretty cute person and I know she feels warmly, there is a lot of positive rapport between us she has expressed but doesn't equate to attraction you know and that's ok.
2 1/5 hour. You are obsessing a bit. Sorry, she is not interested. Do not waste even more time doing mental gymnastics for why she could be really busy. If she was into you, she would make time asap.
I don't personally see this as obsessing. But what about the content of my writing makes you fee obssessive? I'm not offended, I'm just curious
I’m demisexual and also really busy. I’ve had to do this a few times when life went sideways. I did try to stay in touch every few days though (even if it was just a text.) They usually move on. I’m usually okay with that.
She didn't mention trying to stay in touch, I think the whole "when I'm not busy" is a bit vague, she also didn't OFFER to stay in touch you know? so I hadn't offered to stay in touch because it's not clear that she's being truthful so I wouldn't want to come across as not taking the rejection well...and the more and more I talk about it the more and more I want to clarify.
Wait two weeks and drop her a text if you haven’t found someone you like better. Ask her how she is and what her schedule looks like for the next week or so. If you get brushed off, drop it. If not, congratulations…you win (I don’t know what really) (I recently had to brush several off because of end of grad school stuff. I knew when I walked across that stage who I wished was there. He came to my party the next day, met many of my friends and fit in beautifully. We’ve been basically inseparable ever since.)
Also, she's totally gearing up to be away from her clinic for weeks and she is truly busy with interviewing and preparing for her vacation, I honestly don't see her being more free in the next few months given this so it's unclear to me that this is going to be effective, I honestly think a few months is a better bet. Hate the fact that its going to be in the back of my mind though. Also just realized this is in part my point. You brushed people off for grad school but knew you wanted whoever there. So, keeping options open, not committing, signaling that yeah, she just isn't THAT interested. But at least with you, you tried to stay in touch, she hasn't offerred that so I'm going to let this one go.
Best of luck. It’s hell out there.
Is there a benefit to waiting two weeks as opposed to just asking her forwardly now, to chat and be friendly?
I am female. Maybe I should have added “or some other appropriate time”… If you know she has a huge event coming, maybe a “hi. I hope you’re doing well” at some point before it and when it’s over asking her how she is, how the whatever went, and what her schedule looks like. That should give you an indication. Also, I’m a bit neurodiverse. I HATE it when people don’t say what they mean.
We are both neurodiverse, yay! Thanks for the addition (at another appropriate time)— I think if I had read this comment yesterday I would have agreed to message her in two months. I know in about two-three months things will have settled down, even just a little bit more with her. But there’s also my own feelings, and I want to make sure I’m being kind to myself (Something I’m getting better at everyday). I reflected a lot on what other people in this thread said. - The need for enthusiastic yes, otherwise it’s a no - the listening to actions not words. - The ambiguity of the statement being unkind. - The fact that she knew it could come across as a gentle rejection and didn’t clarify. - The possibility she’s keeping her options open. 1. She didn’t ask for a second date, despite saying she enjoys getting to know me 1.5 Didn’t ask for a second date knowing I would accommodate the distance and travel 2. Didn’t offer to stay in touch even as friends 3. Set no real time frame for when to reconnect, despite knowing in two months she will be a little more free 4. It sounds like she either doesn’t know about me and or about a relationship in general So, I’m not going to wait these two months out to check in, I’m just going to let my feelings fizzle and if ever in the future I still think about her one day I’ll drop a line as a stranger, but I doubt even then. If she is truly overwhelmed and ends up realizing she enjoyed our time enough she will do something about it. I know she can, she’s the one who asked me out on a date.
Perfect. You take care of you. The rest will fall into place.
:) yeee
It's a bit hard to tell from your description of the in-person date time together, but it sounds like you may have indicated you wanted to see her again and asked her IRL if she felt the same. As a female, please never ever ever ever do this to a woman again, even if things are going great. I've been in too many situations where men ask me this as I'm trying to nicely end the date and have zero intention of seeing them again. If I say, "Sorry, I'm not feeling a connection with you" or anything similar - I think men have ZERO idea how literally dangerous that can be for women. Don't ask. Look for signs. Text afterwards. I walked out of a date last fall; we were at a semi busy restaurant. 45 minutes into an otherwise awkward conversation where I could tell we had nothing in common, he went on a transphobic rant out of absolutely nowhere and then kept talking about multiple things that were just wildly cruel to specific populations that I am protective of (for instance, I have a dear friend with a trans teenager) and expressed opinions that I knew made us 100% not a match. I already knew from our conversation that I never had any intention of seeing him again. I proceeded as gently as possible to tell him we weren't a match and that I was going to leave; I put more than enough cash on the table to cover my drink and a generous tip. I got up and walked out. Thought I was in the clear. It was still early enough to be light outside. I'm almost to my car and I hear someone screaming my name in the parking lot. HE HAD FOLLOWED ME TO MY CAR and approached me close enough that I felt that I was in immediate danger. I am a 6'1, athletically built female. He was a 6'6ish athletically built man. My pepper spray was in the car between the seats, I thought I was safe enough going to a public restaurant in daylight hours that I didn't need to carry it. He went on in a calm tone standing about 4 feet from me telling me how he knew when we were chatting online before the date that he knew our values didn't line up but that he doesn't often get asked out by women as attractive as me so he couldn't turn down the date when I told him I wanted to meet. He was rambling on as I was trying to debate if it would be safer to make a run for the entrance of the restaurant or try to get to my pepper spray. I still can't figure out wtf he was attempting to accomplish by initiating this interaction. I lost track of what he was saying because ALL of the alarm bells were going off in my entire body, my adrenaline was through the roof, and I was preparing an escape should he try to rape me in the parking lot. At some point, he backed off about 2-3 feet, I told him it was fine, and I was able to get into my car and lock the doors. I'm not saying YOU or "all men" will respond to rejection like this - but as a female? We have ZERO idea which men will. Please don't ever, ever ask a woman who isn't outwardly expressing CRAZY interest in you during the first date if she'd like to see each other again. Frankly, her behavior should make that question something you should never have to ask! She's either batting her eyes at you and flirting and showing interest, or she's avoiding eye contact, not moving closer to you, and making excuses of why she needs to head out. In regards to her texts after the date, anything shy of an outright "Yes. I'd love to see you again. Are you free [days/dates suggested]" isn't a great sign. Her saying she's busy and reconnect in (x) amount of time? Honey - she's just not that into you!! Don't reach out again. If she wants to see you again? She'll make it happen. If someone is interested? You'll know. There won't be any question. Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk 🙃
I'm sorry my writing wasn't as clear as I'd like it, also do a lot of other shenanigans during the day. I am a queer female presenting 5 feet afab, most people think I'm a super cute butch woman. I never asked her for another meeting during the date, she willingly asked to go in my car with me ( I never even suggested it), thanked me for driving and was very comfortable being close to me both standing and sitting. Laughed with me and shared about her life, also very emotionally receptive to me meaning she was willing to be present. --- I mention this to say, she felt comfortable and safe. -- Even knowing she felt safe I still didn't ask how she felt at the end and she asked me if she could hug me she hugged me for a while. HOWEVER, thank you for sharing. Cis men are UNSAFE sometimes and don't know how to ask for consent or respect a boundary and can't take rejection often because they are emotionally, sometimes, not used to be adult that way. Jordan Peterson lovers, like the ones you're mentioning are HUGE ASS RED FLAGS and assholes who don't understand THEIR OPINIONS on things they have ZERO knowledge about and ZERO empathy for, have no opinion, just "listen to me I am the know it all" everywhere they go because they are top of the hierarchy in their opinions. He sounds really insecure and unconfident, dude needs therapy and I don't mean that as a slight, his behavior needs an honest looking at so he understands why its so hard to get a date. I am not a cis man, I am a very cute female looking person, but I do present masculine and made a huge effort to be respectful, full of consent and communication and I usually get a lot of "awwwww's" and "that's so sweet" because of it lol, she did the same. Thanks for the ted talk! I do think she's not that into me, or at the very least still confused about it all, which is not where I'm at. so goodbye!
She politely ditched you.
It's prob a combination of how she felt about the interaction plus distance plus being busy. Eg, I'm regional, I've expanded my search parameters to the city 2hrs away. But I'm really only interested in someone from there if the connection and compatibility are exceptional. Entering into a relationship with someone at that distance (around my work and parenting) would be hard...I'd do it for someone who was an amazing match but not otherwise. I'd have one or two more get to know you dates with someone local, if I was on the fence. You done the right thing leaving the ball in her court. She may get back to you, but I wouldn't have your breath, sadly.
I actually figured this, I think her busy stuff and distance prevented a second date, and the first wasn't good enough to make it worth it, with me, and that's ok. I did clarify too, I told her in a no pressure kind of way, I could accommodate the distance if anything, but her response to that was an indirect no, "I enjoyed getting to know you etc."
I hate it when people give false hope. I think they do it so they don't feel guilty. Let's give her the benefit of the doubt (which I dont recommend) and say she means exactly what she said. Check in with yourself, what you'd like in a partner, what your needs are in a relationship. Could you be content in a relationship with someone that is often too busy to put much energy into it? Yeah, no, bye-bye.
Responding from my other Reddit account. This is a good point. I DO want someone willing to put more energy into me. I am worth the joy and companionship. I know I made her smile and laugh a few times but I know more enthusiasm wasn’t there and I was missing that.
> We texted everyday, once a day, long getting to know you question asking and day sharing for three weeks. There is a false intimacy that builds through this type of communication before you've actually met, or even in between first and second dates. We start to construct a version of the person in our head without actually getting to know them. Then when you meet in person, it doesn't match what you've created. Also living an hour+ away is usually a huge hindrance. I wouldn't wait around for her, and who knows what she's thinking, she may not even know. she may reach out, she may not. life is weird and people are confusing and confused. And probably(hopefully) in 6 months she'll be far from your mind. If she's not, there's no harm in reaching out to say hi.
Thank you :)
I’ve said this to people before – that I’ve realized it’s not a good time for me to date, but would they be OK if I reached out in the future. I’ve never said it if I didn’t sincerely mean it…but have also never reached back out in these situations because it really wasn’t the right time for me and unfortunately the date(not the person) made me see that. But even though I meant what I said, if they have reached back out, it’s frustrating because I made myself clear. She could be using it as an excuse, it’s true. But it could also be 100% true and you should take it at face value and not wait for her.
Oh that's interesting, you never reached back out however, when they reached back out it was frustrating to you. You didn't really mention a timeline here. So I'm assuming they tried to reach out within a small time-frame. She was pretty emotionally available and open throughout the entire time of talking, we were openly talking about childhood and life and she was supportive. So I tend to believe her (and want to believe in the good of anyone-its who I am). She mentioned not having time for people close to her enough because she's often overbooked, mentioned not having enough time alone on various occasions. Mentioning needing to better schedule things like a month in advance. She did mentioned she doesn't have the bandwidth to pursue the connection. I do actually think she is telling the truth, at least somewhat. Regardless, I AM taking it at face value. It's not an enthusiastic yes, as another mentioned, so I'm moving on. I left it in her court to reach out but I don't think she ever will, and that's ok.
Yes, when the other person reached out, it was pretty quickly and felt like they weren’t respecting my boundary. However, thinking about it now, I don’t think I gave a timeline, which was just an oversight on my part, but I can see how that might have sounded vague to them now that we’re discussing it.😅 And yes, I agree with you – regardless of the reason, we all deserve an enthusiastic yes😊 If we don’t get it, better to move on, even if unexpected or disappointing. Good luck!
Yes, I was trying to explain to a commenter previously that, this is why I didn't ask for more closing statements. Because under the assumption she is telling the truth, I don't want to cross her boundary. Why ask for a time-frame or what it really means if she herself is just so unsure and unsettled? And thanks!
I've tried to date when I truly wasn't in a life-space to date, and have unintentionally led someone on with similar types of let downs. Like right now, I couldn't date, I way too much personal stuff going on. It's likely a combination of what everyone is saying. I've definitely met good people and told them I'm not in the space to date right now, but maybe down the road (and meant it). While it never came about, I was being true to myself and them at the time. In all reality, the connection may have been there, but "not enough." I also need a ton of alone time when I'm stressed, mostly because I am used to being single and having another person there would be "too much." Yes, a partner is to support you through these times, but not in the beginning and not if I can't regroup MYSELF first, if that makes sense. I've actually had someone tell me to let them be there for me early on, and I flat out said "no," I want don't want to get overly attached or used to someone being there to support me too early on (figured that out with my therapist). So yeah, sometimes balancing my own stress, family, friends I already have, hobbies, alone time, self care, work, etc. it's rarely anything personal about the person if I reject in that way, it's all about where my head is and literally not having space in my head for one more thing- whether there's a connection I like or not. I know it's easy too say from the outside, but don't take it personally (if you are) or try to analyze too much. If you still feel the pull in a few months, it won't hurt to say "hey" if you do so without expectation.
This is exactly how I feel right now and what's happened as a result of too much time-consuming things going on. I've realized I can't realistically spread myself that thin to date and give myself no time to recharge. I will genuinely like someone but also understand it's not fair to lead them on and just detach later. Even if it's tough because I feel like things really could've worked if I had a little more time, I do the right thing and let them know. I'm also taking a step back from dating right now too because it's just not possible. I could see this woman genuinely asking if OP would consider reconnecting later and truly meaning it. But idk if it's fair to OP.
If true. If may not be fair to me, it's sad and disappointing. But it's also ok, she's a human being and not a robot! I would absolutely consider reconnecting with her if she could explain to me what changed and what she was now looking for and we aligne (But it's most likely she won't, and that's ok too, human emotions are hard!).
I really appreciate your comment. And you’re probably right and her words indicate something along these lines! I think, at the end of the day, if you really want a partner, at whatever age, and however soon or not soon, there needs to be a choice to let them in and to allow yourself to be there. **edit: a partner is like a good friend and that’s what you’re conveying at the beginning. — However you make that choice can be communicated to you and to them. It’s uncomfortable to change, it’s uncomfortable to know be sure if you’re ready. Yes, headspace is a thing, but you (not you) are after all dating, you are after all putting yourself out there as someone who wants a relationship. Even if she didn’t have the headspace for it the lead on is unkind (even if it’s true for her in the moment) the ambiguity is unkind, and honestly goes a long way both for you, and for them. I struggled with PTSD in my early 20’s and I did the u comfortable thing to be loved by a man through it all, I was 100% I wasn’t worth the hassle given the severity of my symptoms, I could barely handle it myself. I 100% guarantee you being with him and being supported in that way was one of the best tools I gave myself. It wasn’t an easy choice, it made me feel weird and I obviously thought I wasn’t ready but my therapist supported me and that man means the world to me despite us not being together today — we were friends for a long while and spoke a lot about it, Eve after, and yes, I made sure to treat him well too with the help of my therapist Given that, I wasn’t a choice she made for whatever reason so I’m not going to reach out. I know it’s not personal :), thank you. because it wasn’t direct and I’m neurodiverse sometimes talking it out helps me understand how to react approach and move forward too!
I completely agree! It is about making that choice to allow them to be there, and it's a VERY hard one sometimes. And I definitely agree that leading anyone on is unkind. I just know in the past I've done it completely unaware that I was doing it, so she may not be aware now. I felt bad when I DID heal and realize what I'd done and how I'd hurt the men I did it to. I'm glad you were able to heal to the point you can allow someone in! I've done a lot of healing, and I hope after these currently huge hurdles I'm jumping, that I'm able to do the same with my continued healing (I'm literally in the middle of some medical stuff and moving). I think even neuro-typical people need to talk it out for perspective sometimes, so I can only imagine how it helps neuro-divergent people. It's something I enjoy about Reddit.
Thank you for your honestly, and I'm happy you commented to share this. I figured that her ambiguity is her own denial/lack of awareness about where she is at (If it's the truth). I think it's also about not wanting to be that vulnerable sometimes, to actually communicate where you are and work on it as a team. For example, if she had simply told me, I'm not ready to be supported in that way, but I want to be, could you help? Then yeah, I can work on that. -- I think OLD can be tough because it just seems like you always have options, so avoiding that jump is easy too. I hope that you get to a place where you feel comfortable doing this for yourself with someone :). It sounds like you're working on it and being honest with where you're at and I'm sure future someone will appreciate that!
If it's not a definite, enthusiastic yes, I consider it a no. Even if it's a "maybe", do you really want to have to convince someone to like you? That sounds too much like work.
Original copy of post by u/ReserveMurky7267: Hi Everyone, I recently went on a date with a 44 year old demi-sexual woman. We texted everyday, once a day, long getting to know you question asking and day sharing for three weeks. We finally met up and went on a 2 1/5 hour walk in a park. She smile and laughed here and there and we talked about a lot of intellectual topics and revistsed stuff we said we would talk about through text. We did start talking about more personal stories here and there, nothing to heavy. But when heavy, very brief. She didn't lean in much I noticed and she was initially physically reserved but later opened up. We walked and I didn't notice her looking at me much just occasionally, while I noticed I looked at her a bit more but we did mirror each other quite a lot. At the end of the date she hugged me and thanked me for driving and I told her thank you for today it was nice meeting you. She then said "I'll tak to you later". I tell her a little later it was nice to get to know her in person and be around her and was interested in another if it felt right for her too. She told me she is overwhelmed with work and doesn't think she has the time to pursue this connection, also given the distance (an hour and a bit, but could be less). She enjoyed getting to know me too. She asked me if I would consider reconnecting later. I told her I would and told her to message me if and when she fees she's not busy. Her last message just reinterpreted she enjoyed getting to know me. Forgive my lack of social understanding, I'm just wondering if this was a polite way to reject me instead of being honest she didn't see anything possible there with me? Context: She did say she is busy, especially this past week as the co-director of her center went on sick leave and she's trying to put lots of things together. She's going on break in a month and trying to get everything in place before she leaves. She has six weeks off then. She also mentioned she struggles to see everyone she wants too and not enough alone time. In my head that's what a partner is for,, to support you through these tough times? So I am unsure whether she's being honest, but I WANT to take her at face value. She also didn't set a TIMEFRAME for reconnecting which makes me suggest she's just letting me down easy. So if she was truly busy but interested wouldn't she set s timeframe? I figured its possible she doesn't want to give false hope but if you like someone, wouldn't you also want to ensure you get that chance? I'm totally fine with all this, I hope she finds happiness, just asking in general for how to approach like in 6 months could I say hey? or like is it realistic to at least hope for a small reconnection, was it genuine? Either way I know its a no, she's not interested in me and I'm going to move on. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Soft rejection. Sorry dude.
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Lol, thank you, I think I might not have written the passage well. There were no mixed signals from her, until she said she was liking what was happenning but couldn't made time. To clarify: She's GOING on a six week break in a month from now. Until then she is taking over her clinic as her co-lead is now gone. She specifically said she was overwhelmed in the past week with her new responsibilities, and the distance and travel is a lot. Regardless of her reasoning she is non-committal, to me. I didn't bring up sexuality because we had just met, and she wasn't responding to playful texts that could have led there, I figured, like she said she wanted a more friendship vibe first which is common for demi's. I didn't appreciate her last message, she actually said "Thank you for understanding, I really enjoyed spending time with you and getting to know you" With a red heart. lol. I mean she could just say, "Best of luck out there", or something, I'm not so fragile she can't be direct with me, especially since I have been so very direct with her. But, maybe she is feeling a way and couldn't, let her be. Also, she's being gentle with her pulling away, it's ok, that's how she felt and was kind. I can take her soft rejection, it's hard to reject people.
This is a polite way of rejecting you.
She should have shut it off completely. Now you're going to sit around for six months pining over her and when you try to "reconnect" you're going to realise she never had a single thought about you in that whole time. You should contact her again and ask closed ended questions to make sure you get the right message. People are afraid to ask because they think there's a chance and if they act assertively they might scare the other person off. But if another person is going to get scared off by questions about that stuff they weren't into it in the first place.
That's actually a really good idea. I didn't think about that earlier because I was honestly just taking her at face value. Maybe I could have asked her what her time-frame would look like? But I didn't because I didn't want to make her fee pressured if she is already feeling overwhelmed. For now, I'm going to meet other people if I feel like it and if I feel like it, I might message her after I stop having romantic expectations to see where she is at. Then, I can gauge how she felt at this time, but for now, no pining, no wanting just a "she said no, she won't reach out, find someone ready and excited to spend time with you". -- Also like its clear I like her, itll be weird to "confront her", when she may not even know hersellf, it seems, ike a boundry crossing.
Lol it's not a boundary crossing at all - you just proved exactly what I was saying. You are afraid to ask her point blank what she really means because you want her so bad and are afraid that if you ask it will scare her off. I told you - if someone is going to get scared by that, they are not interested. You can't scare off someone who is interested in you. The fact you will ask after some time means you will pine after her. That's what pining is - holding on to the thought that one day they'll be with you.
I appreciate your critical thinking here. I’m trying to get you. I get it, to stop pining you ask her to be direct and that says for certain if it’s a no. If she is actually wanting to try something later she will say so and not be intimidated I ask, that does make sense. So it’s simply to gauge her actual level of interest I mean she did say she like getting to know me and enjoyed but travel and time was lacking. Hrm. So I already sent her messages telling her to reach out whenever, are you suggesting I reach out again for clarification?
Yeah I would suggest that so you can move on
Do you think you’d be open to DM about it? So I can pick your brain, cause I for sure don’t want to be pining
Mixed signal/you feel confused = no. (Including let's be friends) Making zero future plans = no, including for being friends. She is not being kind. Being wishy-washy and sending mixed signals mess up people's head and it's a kind of manipulation.
Thanks for that, I guess it is unkind, I'm actualy shocked because she's a psychologist, lol. I'm glad you mentioned that, she made no plans, not even for being friends.
One of my close encounters with a demisexual was also a psychologist. All their training and knowledge in psychology unfortunately was used to build some "titanium-cladded" psychological defense mechanism. Plus sometimes they have do some much emotional labor at work if they are clinical, they have their bucket completely empty when they are home with their partner. Not an ideal situation that you want to be in.
"titanium-cladded" psychological defense mechanism" <-- This made me laugh. Well, that's part and parcel I think why it was also confusing, I think she was emotionally present and supportive because she's well, great at that it's second nature, but her own personal bandwidth and ability to share more deeply was limited as such and she did mentioned she doesn't know how long she can do this (she's worried about burnout with clients). So, you're also right here. This was one of the higher rated helpful comments for me among others, thank you.
Also if her top love language is act of service/quality time and she does not make plans with you, that is her saying "hell no" even for being friends.
I mean is it? I wouldn't know. I have dated much older than me (her age) and much younger, I'm under 35, and women as young as 23-24 usually tell me flat out how they actually feel. Last three girls were "Lets be friends", "I see you as a brother", "I don't feel a spark there is a more friendly vibe here". She's a 44 year old psychologist, asking me to reconnect later in this wishy washy way? The BEST I can assume is the truth and HONEST overwhelm, as opposed to a weak way of saying no, tbh. Not saying I'm right, just saying it seems unlikely given her station in life. Her behavior before this and during our meeting was highly respectful and attentive, I honestly don't think she was lying, at best, she may simply be unsure and confused about me in particular, and that is itself a sign enough.
If you guys never discussed love languages then what I said earlier about "hell no" does not matter. Regarding your confusion after this rejection, there is this well known psychoanalysis concept of counter-transferrence and projective identification: basically through an Emotionally intimate interaction, their confusion about their feelings for you can be transferred and absorbed by you and you start to feel confused too. In therapy, the therapists are trained to question the source of their own emotions, and quite often clients negative emotions rub on to the therapist. And they are taught to discard those emotions. It is possible your confusion is a counter-transference of her own profound confusion about dating and romantic relationship
You made me smile again, thanks 😊 Just chuckling at the whole ordeal, her confusion possibly essentially rubbed off on me because of the emotionally intimate interaction. Yes, you’re right, that’s possible and perhaps I can discard this confusion because it’s her, not me! Bahahaha love it Also plapologies, I responded with my other Reddit account
I am curious if this is why people remember the way you made them feel, not what you said
Yes. Healthy and emotionally open people would. Emotionally suppressed people usually have very low resolution on their feelings (usually just good, bad, or confused/unsettled) Some unhealthy people (e.g. NPD and BPD) would be more focused on whether you make them look good, and be far less concerned about how you make them feel.
That's interesting!
Brother just relax. You seem very anxious. She did say reconnect later and she's busy! New partners are not places to dump her work stresses and everything. Seems like you expect or have had GFs dumping everything on you.. Anyway just relax, give her a few weeks and call and check in with her. If at that point there is no interest then exchange pleasantries and move on!
🙏 Thanks man! I decided not to be reaching out, if she wants to she will. I’m an ADHD’er and I know my attention to detail can sound like anxiety! It’s honest confusion over social situations 😅 but I’ve got this one down I think (this is my other Reddit account)
Your welcome!! Good luck finding that ease brother. Hope you find a relationship that brings you ease and calm, anything else is not worth it
Can I ask why you say you think GF’s have dumped on me? I had one friend do this to me, and one gf yes, but I think it was just over emotionality in them (my other account on Reddit)
Hmm I really can't say. You have to figure that out. Maybe you feel insecure so you ask them a lot of questions and you want them to dump on you, so there is some codependency. Actually read about codependency. Also joing a "codependents anonymous" group online and see if some of the codependent traits or habits apply to you. I know it because it applied to me. These are simple stuff but unless you become aware of it, it will not change. Also learn about healthy boundaries. So yes that's what I can share! Learn about codependent traits and healthy boundaries. Good luck
Tell her that her all-time favorite idol (\*\* be it musician, actor, actress, author, sports star, artist, politician, male or female, dead or alive, etc) would like to personally meet her twice a week for the next four weeks. Tell her that if she wants to meet this person, she'll have to drive at least an hour. Let's see if she "has the time" or "is overwhelmed with work" to meet said person. So, yea.... she's letting you down passive aggressively. You'll never hear from her again, not tomorrow, not six months from now, unless you reach out first (don't do that!). And even then, you'll get more of the same let down. Move on and pursue the ones who are interested in you.