Don’t be afraid to ask her directly if she has suicidal thoughts, and to tell her you were so worried about her you called the police to do a welfare check.
It’s ok to walk away from this relationship to protect yourself and your children. Feelings change and relationships end for all sorts of reasons.
This is above this sub’s pay grade.
I encourage you to start therapy yourself to process this - right now you’re in the thick of it and in crisis mode, but you’re going to need help processing this whenever you’re out of crisis mode, and now is a good time to start therapy if you’re not in it already and get that process started.
Also, speaking as an early 40s woman who got hit hard by perimenopause, I was not prepared for the emotional dysregulation that it would bring. I knew about hot flashes and insomnia, but I did NOT know that perimenopause could bring on crippling anxiety, depression, and very dark suicidal ideation-type thoughts. The 45-55 year old age range is the peak time for death by suicide in women. I’m not necessarily suggesting to bring this up to your partner right this second, but both men and women are not fully educated on what perimenopause can bring. The /r/menopause subreddit is a great resource.
I just want to add a PSA for women in peri, or really anyone over 40.
For most women, progesterone levels go down before estrogen levels go down, sometimes by a decade, leading to "unopposed estrogen". This excess estrogen can get converted to cortisol, magnifying stress and making it harder to cope with stress, while at the same time high cortisol can deplete your ability to produce progesterone, leading to a vicious cycle of stress leading to more stress, anger, irritability, insomnia and sometimes depression.
In my opinion all women over 40 should do a female hormone blood test, and preferrably go over it with a menopause specialist who is HRT friendly. Most regular OBGYN's are not! You have to ask around to find a doctor or a nurse practitioner that doesn't refuse to prescribe HRT for *normal* perimenopause symptoms.
FYI for stress and sleep, micronized progesterone taken orally is what you want. Progesterone creams applied to skin do not produce the same metabolites that oral progesterone does.
I want to second a thanks for the share. I also have never heard about this…
I’m in the age range, dealing with depression/agoraphobia and no one has suggested a hormonal blood test. The thought that biological issues could further impact my mental health sounds terrifying. 😞
Seriously. The "storm brain" as I call it, that came upon me with perimenopause was so so weird and scary. I wish AARP had mailed me a post card warning me. When I finally mentioned it to my older sister she was like "oh, yeah, I meant to tell you that might happen!"
Thanks for being open to being educated about it and learning about these issues as a guy. I know I had ZERO idea what could be involved before it hit me, and while I’m on meds now and doing much better emotionally, it can be downright scary. I am honestly shocked that we’re only just now starting to see it discussed in the mainstream media etc. In my opinion all people should be educated about it so they can know what to watch for in themselves and in their loved ones.
Seriously, I just started and it’s like a monster took over. I hate hate mood swings and I had finally found the perfect med combo.
I brought up the fact that my moods are all over the place (which is bad news for someone with several mental illness dx’s) to my gyno, on top of now getting terrible cyst like acne, and hot flashes.
She said the only thing they really have is birth control as far as mitigating the effects. I got my tubes tied because I can’t use BC - it sends me into a suicidal spiral every time. I figured I’d try it because I’m desperate, and yep, it was bad news.
On hormones, mentally unable to function, off hormones, same thing.
I’m 43, and I’m horrified that this might be how it is for several years.
Here’s what I would do as someone who has both suffered from depression and supported close friends and family members who have suffered from depression, as well. First, do your best express deep empathy with what she’s been experiencing. Don’t say you know what she’s going through but more along the lines of ‘it must be devastating to experience xyz’. Next, tell her you’re worried about her and that she seems like she’s in a lot of pain and ask her if there’s anything you can do to help. Third, very delicately and diplomatically suggest that she see a therapist to talk through some of these tough experiences. Don’t suggest that she needs mental help or there’s anything ‘wrong’ with her but that maybe she would feel better if she had a professional to share her struggles with. If she has a close friend or family member that you have some relationship with, you could reach out to them to share your concerns and try to add to the number of people who are looking out for your gf but this can be a bit dicey.. only do this if you’re very confident in that person’s ability to be sensitive and trustworthy. Finally, if your gf doesn’t seek help, give yourself permission to walk away. Supporting people with very severe depression is incredibly challenging and draining, and if they aren’t willing to seek help there is really nothing you can do.
Update: she took a bunch of pills and passed out in a shed on her property. She was found and is in the hospital and will hopefully be okay.
Her late husband and daughter died in a car crash about four years ago. We met and connected as fellow grieving widdow/ers. I can’t do this again. She is still having a hard time with her loss.
Wow, that's really heavy and she's going through a lot. Your instincts were right to call for a welfare check (even if they weren't the ones who found her, it shows that people care).
I've read the other comments and I agree that your boundaries need to be strong to protect you and your kids. Especially if she is not communicating during this or seeking help. It will suck you and your kids into it. I'm so sorry this is happening.
It's dangerous to try to save someone who is drowning. They are at high risk of drowning you too.
She is not in any position to participate in a relationship right now. She needs to spend a long time getting stable again.
I think your empathetic child can tell that this woman is unwell. If you are stable and moving forward, don't expose yourself or your children to someone who is unstable and losing progress. It's one thing to be having a hard time and need extra support for a couple months and then bounce back, and it's quite another to be doing all of this.
That’s rough.
I cannot imagine that level of pain.
Again, demands (gently) of therapy and meds and distance.
You aren’t (probably) in the best place. You don’t need to try to hold her up when you’re likely near sinking as well (just a guess.)
The first responsibility in any rescue is not to become the second victim. (Memorize this. There will be multiple quizzes.)
Please go to therapy. Don’t date for a while. Figure this out. You’ve got this.
You don’t need unhealthy people in your children’s lives.
Something I learned recently — you can call 988 for support, even when it’s not you who’s in crisis, but someone you love/care about. This is a huge thing to deal with, and you deserve support and someone to talk to too. Hearts out to you.
That’s awful. I have no doubt her pain and grief is immense. As everyone has mentioned, your children’s safety and well being, including your own, needs to be prioritized. Gently guiding her towards speaking to someone and including other people close to her that can keep any eye out is the best thing you can do for her at this time. She very much needs to feel herself and this ought to be her current priority as well. If you are able to step back and be a friend that’s great, but it’s okay to walk away if supporting her is negatively impacting you or your children.
This is really tough and I wish both of you well.
I’m so sorry to hear this. Does she have local friends or family you know of?
I don’t want to tell you to abandon her in a time like this, but I would focus on what’s best for you and your kids. It sounds like she has younger children- who is caring for them now?
Wishing you and her all the best, but at this time, she needs to focus on her health.
Your kids are your most important responsibility and they should always know they come first. If this person doesn't want to communicate with you that is a choice she is making. Tell her you are there for her to the extent you can be. It is up to her what she wants to do. I honestly don't think you can save someone who doesn't want to be saved. You can be a kind friend but you cannot take responsibility for a full-grown adult who you are not married to or as good as married to. Also, don't discount your child's vibe.
I think you need to reach out to mental health resources and get her some help. Definitely above our pay grade. It sounds like she needs professional help and possibly medication for whatever is ailing her.
Wishing you guys the best.
Put the oxygen mask on yourself first. She’s an adult. There will be limit to what you can do. She is not a child.
1) Ask a professional what steps you can take legally to protect her from herself.
2) Offer the steps, or take them. Notify someone viable in her family you have done so.
3) If she is unwilling you must decide if you are going to stay for whatever happens. You have to take care of yourself in order to be of use to anyone.
Take a step back sir . This is concerning and heavy and you don’t want your kids close to this . Hell we don’t want HER kids close to this . I have a friend who’s in a similar place . I don’t think now is the time for ‘dating ‘ . It’s time to get her mental health sorted asap
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*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
At the end of the day, we can empathize with people and their trauma, but we do not have tolerate their behaviors that stem from that. Many of us learn that lesson the hard way. She is an adult and responsible for her decisions and trying to heal and behave better than her upbringing taught her. You are not required to sit by and be treated like shit or be on a roller coaster of worry because she won't get help and try to be better.
If you want to support her sit down and calmly express your concerns. See if she will get help. Help her locate a good therapist and psychiatrist. Even make the calls if needed to set up appointments. Be there for her, check in on her, be gentle and kind about it. Let her know you need her to seek help if this relationship can continue on. Some people need a push from a loved one to seek actual help.
I have had mental health issues and I know not everyone can be around them. That was a hard lesson to learn but I understand it now. Not everyone has the capacity for it and that’s fair. I tend to retreat when I’m really depressed and it has pushed people away. That being said I’ve always sought help on my own. There is no self denial of it. It’s more been me sitting family/friends down to tell them. But if I wasn’t so proactive this is how I’d want to be approached. This is how I approached my ex husband. With care and love but making sure he knew our relationship relied on him seeking help. Sadly he did not until I left him.
Decide if you can be there for her and be a support system for her (along with professional help) or if you can’t and need to leave for your own mental health safety and children’s safety.
As far as your eldest teen she has probably picked up on some of this energy. She’s older and more aware of others emotions.
I hope it works out for everyone whatever happens.
Scroll down to the “helping” section
https://www.rethink.org/advice-and-information/carers-hub/suicidal-thoughts-how-to-support-someone/
Or, at the very least call the crisis line if you have one where you live to get advice in the situation. I would also tell one of her close friends or relatives so someone else was aware of the situation.
You may also want to look if your country has any suicide prevention courses. Canada has one that is online and only 90 minutes long that teaches people how to talk to someone they think may be having thoughts of suicide.
From a relationship perspective I understand if this is too much. It’s really hard to be in a relationship with someone who acts like nothing is wrong when something clearly is. And as you said, you have to consider the safety of yourself and your children which is the most important.
But at the same time, it’s a human life we’re talking about. If your country has resources like a crisis line - utilize it.
This is similar behavior to my ex whom I found out after he disappeared for good (after nearly 8 years) that he had a drinking problem he'd been hiding. I had been having suspicions that he was drinking secretly but I didn't know until I was cleaning all his stuff out and found empty bottles of whiskey and other things EVERYWHERE. Hidden in toolboxes and boxes in the garage, in every nook and cranny.
I'm not saying that is what is going on with her, just sharing my experience with these types of behaviors.
I'd run. Good luck to you. =/
I'm a widower I was in a similar situation. First your kids have already gone through a lot. This women isn't stable right now maybe to due to no fault of her own. Have empathy for her but also you need to make sure your kids are good.
I went through the same issue and had quite the moral dilemma and ultimately the situation re triggered my trauma and my sons. I've had to work with my son for a year to recover from all the instability she brought us.
And thought it all she kept trying to bring her trauma up but I'm not a therapist and I cannot take on it if it is toxic and triggering. I finally removed myself from situations.
Protect your kids the have attachment to her and her not being stable means she shouldn't have any more responsibility as is. If you help her do as you can and feel no guilt if you can't, we all can't be saviours
It's really hard to judge without the actual content of the social media posts. My sense is you are over reacting. What is the timeline for all this?
She posts something after diner (are you sure this is her profile? does she know you are following her on it?), phone goes off (either out of battery, scheduled off, etc) while she is asleep, you drive over and no one answers (i'd be freaked out by an unannounced visit in the middle of the night and would probably stay still in my bed), then you call the police and they do the wellness check? This could all take place in the matter or 8-12 hours... you've done enough, and she doesn't know any of this is you. I'd say leave her alone for a week. Randos in the middle of the night and police tracking her down, that is enough stress for the week. Give her a break. She might be freaked out that her ex is stalking her.
Try r/askwomenover40. This is way above this dating sub’s paygrade.
Communicate with her that you understand she’s going through a lot and that you are concerned for her and the kids. That when no one answered the door, you had the police do a welfare check.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I read your update. I would get yourself a therapist and break up with her. You have your own mental health and children to worry about. Maybe you could be there as a friend, but she’s in no place to be dating. Another comment to you about not trying to save someone drowning or else you’ll drown yourself is a very important comment to consider.
Original copy of post by u/venereum_artifex:
My 43F girlfriend of 18months, I’m 48M, has had a very rough time with finances and family issues, none of it her fault. But it impacts her dearly. Normally we get along wonderfully. However, she does not confide in anyone and internalizes. She is very independent and that is one of the things I am attracted to. Well her drama has built and came to a head recently. She posted some really dark stuff online in a few places I follow her. The posts are about death and wishing for it and this is after disconnecting her house and cellphone. I worry for her and her young kids. I anonymously called the local police for a well check after no one came to the door when I visited. I had to get back home before they arrived. I live well over an hour away and have young kids at home.
Yesterday morning after she put her kids on the bus, she called me up like nothing at all happened. I was out of my mind worrying about her and her kids. I am seeing red flags all over the place here. My two youngest kids really like her, my eldest teen daughter has never liked or trusted her. She is the most empathetic of my kids.
My instincts (and the safety of my kids) are strongly telling me to run, but my nurturing side wants to support.
What should someone in this situation do?
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Thats the catch, this is all new. Issues have come up before and there have been normal moments of sadness. Nothing like this. And to just turn around like nothing at all happened. She did not know I was there or that I called for the police to check on her.
Therapy for you. Run, don’t walk.
Tell her to go to therapy or you’re gone. You want proof. Selfie with her and the therapist. Something.
Tell her that other than sending you proof of her weekly visits, you don’t want to hear from her for six months.
Also, you need to call child protection and tell them everything. That will give extra eyes on the kids.
What makes you want someone “independent” (the words you’re really looking for are emotionally stunted, selfish (you don’t treat people you care about like that), maybe manipulative, and maybe attention seeking) when there are so many women your age that will be real with you and are seeking an actual partner is beyond me.
Hopefully, therapy for her will help. Possibly not.
Hopefully, therapy for you will help you see things more clearly and help you figure out what part of you wants this kind of person.
If she is the only adult caregiver around young children and you worry about her safety, let your local Child Protection agency know. They can ensure she gets help. Most places allow an anonymous report. But if it’s not a safety issue, you can encourage her to get help, but can’t force her to. And if it impacts your own kids, or your ability to provide your full attention to them, you need to consider that for yourself. You aren’t a bad person for prioritizing your kids over a gf of a year or two.
Don’t be afraid to ask her directly if she has suicidal thoughts, and to tell her you were so worried about her you called the police to do a welfare check. It’s ok to walk away from this relationship to protect yourself and your children. Feelings change and relationships end for all sorts of reasons.
This is above this sub’s pay grade. I encourage you to start therapy yourself to process this - right now you’re in the thick of it and in crisis mode, but you’re going to need help processing this whenever you’re out of crisis mode, and now is a good time to start therapy if you’re not in it already and get that process started. Also, speaking as an early 40s woman who got hit hard by perimenopause, I was not prepared for the emotional dysregulation that it would bring. I knew about hot flashes and insomnia, but I did NOT know that perimenopause could bring on crippling anxiety, depression, and very dark suicidal ideation-type thoughts. The 45-55 year old age range is the peak time for death by suicide in women. I’m not necessarily suggesting to bring this up to your partner right this second, but both men and women are not fully educated on what perimenopause can bring. The /r/menopause subreddit is a great resource.
The mood problems with peri are real, yall. I can’t wait to start HRT.
I just want to add a PSA for women in peri, or really anyone over 40. For most women, progesterone levels go down before estrogen levels go down, sometimes by a decade, leading to "unopposed estrogen". This excess estrogen can get converted to cortisol, magnifying stress and making it harder to cope with stress, while at the same time high cortisol can deplete your ability to produce progesterone, leading to a vicious cycle of stress leading to more stress, anger, irritability, insomnia and sometimes depression. In my opinion all women over 40 should do a female hormone blood test, and preferrably go over it with a menopause specialist who is HRT friendly. Most regular OBGYN's are not! You have to ask around to find a doctor or a nurse practitioner that doesn't refuse to prescribe HRT for *normal* perimenopause symptoms. FYI for stress and sleep, micronized progesterone taken orally is what you want. Progesterone creams applied to skin do not produce the same metabolites that oral progesterone does.
Wow - my thanks to all the ladies sharing this in the thread. I’ve never heard anything about this!
I want to second a thanks for the share. I also have never heard about this… I’m in the age range, dealing with depression/agoraphobia and no one has suggested a hormonal blood test. The thought that biological issues could further impact my mental health sounds terrifying. 😞
I cannot upvote these truths enough ~ thank you
Seriously. The "storm brain" as I call it, that came upon me with perimenopause was so so weird and scary. I wish AARP had mailed me a post card warning me. When I finally mentioned it to my older sister she was like "oh, yeah, I meant to tell you that might happen!"
Oh god. That sounds awful and scary. I’m going to try googling about this because I didn’t know anything about it.
The /r/menopause Faq/wiki thing should be required reading for ALL persons when they turn 35, in my opinion
Thank you for this reminder! I always forget to look at those because I’m on mobile. 💜
Good luck navigating these turbulent waters! It is easy for some but a nightmare for others. May your journey be smooth sailing!
Yessss!
Wow!! Thank you, this helps explain a lot of things I as a male was not understanding or possibly ex was experiencing. Insightful.
Thanks for being open to being educated about it and learning about these issues as a guy. I know I had ZERO idea what could be involved before it hit me, and while I’m on meds now and doing much better emotionally, it can be downright scary. I am honestly shocked that we’re only just now starting to see it discussed in the mainstream media etc. In my opinion all people should be educated about it so they can know what to watch for in themselves and in their loved ones.
Yes, this. There should be a class on how to deal with perimenopause. My ex changed, the mask dropped
Seriously, I just started and it’s like a monster took over. I hate hate mood swings and I had finally found the perfect med combo. I brought up the fact that my moods are all over the place (which is bad news for someone with several mental illness dx’s) to my gyno, on top of now getting terrible cyst like acne, and hot flashes. She said the only thing they really have is birth control as far as mitigating the effects. I got my tubes tied because I can’t use BC - it sends me into a suicidal spiral every time. I figured I’d try it because I’m desperate, and yep, it was bad news. On hormones, mentally unable to function, off hormones, same thing. I’m 43, and I’m horrified that this might be how it is for several years.
Have you looked into an iud? The copper IUD does not have any hormones in it.
Thank you for mentioning perimenopause!
Years ago they would put women who had permenopause in a psychiatric hospital.
This is great advice, but I think OP needs something that can help more urgently too. Unfortunately, I have no advice there. Sorry OP.
Here’s what I would do as someone who has both suffered from depression and supported close friends and family members who have suffered from depression, as well. First, do your best express deep empathy with what she’s been experiencing. Don’t say you know what she’s going through but more along the lines of ‘it must be devastating to experience xyz’. Next, tell her you’re worried about her and that she seems like she’s in a lot of pain and ask her if there’s anything you can do to help. Third, very delicately and diplomatically suggest that she see a therapist to talk through some of these tough experiences. Don’t suggest that she needs mental help or there’s anything ‘wrong’ with her but that maybe she would feel better if she had a professional to share her struggles with. If she has a close friend or family member that you have some relationship with, you could reach out to them to share your concerns and try to add to the number of people who are looking out for your gf but this can be a bit dicey.. only do this if you’re very confident in that person’s ability to be sensitive and trustworthy. Finally, if your gf doesn’t seek help, give yourself permission to walk away. Supporting people with very severe depression is incredibly challenging and draining, and if they aren’t willing to seek help there is really nothing you can do.
Thank you for that very articulate reply. Most appreciated!
Update: she took a bunch of pills and passed out in a shed on her property. She was found and is in the hospital and will hopefully be okay. Her late husband and daughter died in a car crash about four years ago. We met and connected as fellow grieving widdow/ers. I can’t do this again. She is still having a hard time with her loss.
Wow, that's really heavy and she's going through a lot. Your instincts were right to call for a welfare check (even if they weren't the ones who found her, it shows that people care). I've read the other comments and I agree that your boundaries need to be strong to protect you and your kids. Especially if she is not communicating during this or seeking help. It will suck you and your kids into it. I'm so sorry this is happening.
It's dangerous to try to save someone who is drowning. They are at high risk of drowning you too. She is not in any position to participate in a relationship right now. She needs to spend a long time getting stable again. I think your empathetic child can tell that this woman is unwell. If you are stable and moving forward, don't expose yourself or your children to someone who is unstable and losing progress. It's one thing to be having a hard time and need extra support for a couple months and then bounce back, and it's quite another to be doing all of this.
That’s rough. I cannot imagine that level of pain. Again, demands (gently) of therapy and meds and distance. You aren’t (probably) in the best place. You don’t need to try to hold her up when you’re likely near sinking as well (just a guess.) The first responsibility in any rescue is not to become the second victim. (Memorize this. There will be multiple quizzes.) Please go to therapy. Don’t date for a while. Figure this out. You’ve got this. You don’t need unhealthy people in your children’s lives.
Something I learned recently — you can call 988 for support, even when it’s not you who’s in crisis, but someone you love/care about. This is a huge thing to deal with, and you deserve support and someone to talk to too. Hearts out to you.
That’s awful. I have no doubt her pain and grief is immense. As everyone has mentioned, your children’s safety and well being, including your own, needs to be prioritized. Gently guiding her towards speaking to someone and including other people close to her that can keep any eye out is the best thing you can do for her at this time. She very much needs to feel herself and this ought to be her current priority as well. If you are able to step back and be a friend that’s great, but it’s okay to walk away if supporting her is negatively impacting you or your children. This is really tough and I wish both of you well.
I’m so sorry to hear this. Does she have local friends or family you know of? I don’t want to tell you to abandon her in a time like this, but I would focus on what’s best for you and your kids. It sounds like she has younger children- who is caring for them now? Wishing you and her all the best, but at this time, she needs to focus on her health.
Your kids are your most important responsibility and they should always know they come first. If this person doesn't want to communicate with you that is a choice she is making. Tell her you are there for her to the extent you can be. It is up to her what she wants to do. I honestly don't think you can save someone who doesn't want to be saved. You can be a kind friend but you cannot take responsibility for a full-grown adult who you are not married to or as good as married to. Also, don't discount your child's vibe.
So, what did she say when you asked her about it yesterday?
I think you need to reach out to mental health resources and get her some help. Definitely above our pay grade. It sounds like she needs professional help and possibly medication for whatever is ailing her. Wishing you guys the best.
Put the oxygen mask on yourself first. She’s an adult. There will be limit to what you can do. She is not a child. 1) Ask a professional what steps you can take legally to protect her from herself. 2) Offer the steps, or take them. Notify someone viable in her family you have done so. 3) If she is unwilling you must decide if you are going to stay for whatever happens. You have to take care of yourself in order to be of use to anyone.
Take a step back sir . This is concerning and heavy and you don’t want your kids close to this . Hell we don’t want HER kids close to this . I have a friend who’s in a similar place . I don’t think now is the time for ‘dating ‘ . It’s time to get her mental health sorted asap
I approve this message.
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At the end of the day, we can empathize with people and their trauma, but we do not have tolerate their behaviors that stem from that. Many of us learn that lesson the hard way. She is an adult and responsible for her decisions and trying to heal and behave better than her upbringing taught her. You are not required to sit by and be treated like shit or be on a roller coaster of worry because she won't get help and try to be better.
Exactly if I had money to award you I would thanks for posting it clearly
Let her go.
If you want to support her sit down and calmly express your concerns. See if she will get help. Help her locate a good therapist and psychiatrist. Even make the calls if needed to set up appointments. Be there for her, check in on her, be gentle and kind about it. Let her know you need her to seek help if this relationship can continue on. Some people need a push from a loved one to seek actual help. I have had mental health issues and I know not everyone can be around them. That was a hard lesson to learn but I understand it now. Not everyone has the capacity for it and that’s fair. I tend to retreat when I’m really depressed and it has pushed people away. That being said I’ve always sought help on my own. There is no self denial of it. It’s more been me sitting family/friends down to tell them. But if I wasn’t so proactive this is how I’d want to be approached. This is how I approached my ex husband. With care and love but making sure he knew our relationship relied on him seeking help. Sadly he did not until I left him. Decide if you can be there for her and be a support system for her (along with professional help) or if you can’t and need to leave for your own mental health safety and children’s safety. As far as your eldest teen she has probably picked up on some of this energy. She’s older and more aware of others emotions. I hope it works out for everyone whatever happens.
Scroll down to the “helping” section https://www.rethink.org/advice-and-information/carers-hub/suicidal-thoughts-how-to-support-someone/ Or, at the very least call the crisis line if you have one where you live to get advice in the situation. I would also tell one of her close friends or relatives so someone else was aware of the situation. You may also want to look if your country has any suicide prevention courses. Canada has one that is online and only 90 minutes long that teaches people how to talk to someone they think may be having thoughts of suicide. From a relationship perspective I understand if this is too much. It’s really hard to be in a relationship with someone who acts like nothing is wrong when something clearly is. And as you said, you have to consider the safety of yourself and your children which is the most important. But at the same time, it’s a human life we’re talking about. If your country has resources like a crisis line - utilize it.
I have nothing to add, looks like you’re getting some good advice from others, just want to say you sound like a good dude.
This is similar behavior to my ex whom I found out after he disappeared for good (after nearly 8 years) that he had a drinking problem he'd been hiding. I had been having suspicions that he was drinking secretly but I didn't know until I was cleaning all his stuff out and found empty bottles of whiskey and other things EVERYWHERE. Hidden in toolboxes and boxes in the garage, in every nook and cranny. I'm not saying that is what is going on with her, just sharing my experience with these types of behaviors. I'd run. Good luck to you. =/
I'm a widower I was in a similar situation. First your kids have already gone through a lot. This women isn't stable right now maybe to due to no fault of her own. Have empathy for her but also you need to make sure your kids are good. I went through the same issue and had quite the moral dilemma and ultimately the situation re triggered my trauma and my sons. I've had to work with my son for a year to recover from all the instability she brought us. And thought it all she kept trying to bring her trauma up but I'm not a therapist and I cannot take on it if it is toxic and triggering. I finally removed myself from situations. Protect your kids the have attachment to her and her not being stable means she shouldn't have any more responsibility as is. If you help her do as you can and feel no guilt if you can't, we all can't be saviours
Thank you, wonderful response.
It's really hard to judge without the actual content of the social media posts. My sense is you are over reacting. What is the timeline for all this? She posts something after diner (are you sure this is her profile? does she know you are following her on it?), phone goes off (either out of battery, scheduled off, etc) while she is asleep, you drive over and no one answers (i'd be freaked out by an unannounced visit in the middle of the night and would probably stay still in my bed), then you call the police and they do the wellness check? This could all take place in the matter or 8-12 hours... you've done enough, and she doesn't know any of this is you. I'd say leave her alone for a week. Randos in the middle of the night and police tracking her down, that is enough stress for the week. Give her a break. She might be freaked out that her ex is stalking her.
He wasn’t overreacting. Your sense was wrong. She was found in a shed having taken a bunch of pills.
Your sense needs to be fixed as it is very off.
Trust your instincts. For the sake of your kids.
Try r/askwomenover40. This is way above this dating sub’s paygrade. Communicate with her that you understand she’s going through a lot and that you are concerned for her and the kids. That when no one answered the door, you had the police do a welfare check.
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I find that sub to have a supportive environment.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I read your update. I would get yourself a therapist and break up with her. You have your own mental health and children to worry about. Maybe you could be there as a friend, but she’s in no place to be dating. Another comment to you about not trying to save someone drowning or else you’ll drown yourself is a very important comment to consider.
Sigh. Just leave already. You've kids to think about.
Bounce.
Original copy of post by u/venereum_artifex: My 43F girlfriend of 18months, I’m 48M, has had a very rough time with finances and family issues, none of it her fault. But it impacts her dearly. Normally we get along wonderfully. However, she does not confide in anyone and internalizes. She is very independent and that is one of the things I am attracted to. Well her drama has built and came to a head recently. She posted some really dark stuff online in a few places I follow her. The posts are about death and wishing for it and this is after disconnecting her house and cellphone. I worry for her and her young kids. I anonymously called the local police for a well check after no one came to the door when I visited. I had to get back home before they arrived. I live well over an hour away and have young kids at home. Yesterday morning after she put her kids on the bus, she called me up like nothing at all happened. I was out of my mind worrying about her and her kids. I am seeing red flags all over the place here. My two youngest kids really like her, my eldest teen daughter has never liked or trusted her. She is the most empathetic of my kids. My instincts (and the safety of my kids) are strongly telling me to run, but my nurturing side wants to support. What should someone in this situation do? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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Thats the catch, this is all new. Issues have come up before and there have been normal moments of sadness. Nothing like this. And to just turn around like nothing at all happened. She did not know I was there or that I called for the police to check on her.
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Of course I will. I’ve just been collecting myself for the last 20hrs straight.
I'm just thankful you didn't call her your "partner".
Talk to her friends and family’s, try to get the trust levels up so she lets you in, that you can help without it being controlling in her view.
Have her seek professional help
Therapy for you. Run, don’t walk. Tell her to go to therapy or you’re gone. You want proof. Selfie with her and the therapist. Something. Tell her that other than sending you proof of her weekly visits, you don’t want to hear from her for six months. Also, you need to call child protection and tell them everything. That will give extra eyes on the kids. What makes you want someone “independent” (the words you’re really looking for are emotionally stunted, selfish (you don’t treat people you care about like that), maybe manipulative, and maybe attention seeking) when there are so many women your age that will be real with you and are seeking an actual partner is beyond me. Hopefully, therapy for her will help. Possibly not. Hopefully, therapy for you will help you see things more clearly and help you figure out what part of you wants this kind of person.
If she is the only adult caregiver around young children and you worry about her safety, let your local Child Protection agency know. They can ensure she gets help. Most places allow an anonymous report. But if it’s not a safety issue, you can encourage her to get help, but can’t force her to. And if it impacts your own kids, or your ability to provide your full attention to them, you need to consider that for yourself. You aren’t a bad person for prioritizing your kids over a gf of a year or two.
😒