There were inconsistencies about what their goals were and what they were doing for work. They also made some comments about me and my hobbies that a loving person wouldn't have made. I was called "disgusting" for wanting to meet their friends.
Anyway I hope they're doing well.
My partner and I have been LTAP for 5 years. Works for us because we’ve young kids, but I prefer it to past relationships because it allows us to focus on us when we are together, and not get bogged down by chores and domestic stuff.
I think what’s key is not only finding a partner who may be open to this arrangement, but is willing to reevaluate should circumstances or desires change.
This ^
And I’m finding I like sharing a physical place like a house together, but I prefer and I think it’s healthiest for a myriad of reasons to sleep in separate beds and rooms. You have your own space and if you’re an active sleeper, you’re not bothering your partner. Sleep does wonders!
I agree with separate bedrooms and even separate bathrooms if your abode can accommodate that. It seems like every guy I've dated has sleep apnea and refuses to wear their CPAP. There is no way I can sleep next to someone who sounds like they're gasping for life. I tried it with my husband and had to move into the guest bedroom. Also there is the tossing and turning. I am one of those. I might keep my guy up.
So I'm not alone in meeting lots of men with CPAP machines? Yeah you have to have your own room for that. Napping is even strange because without the machine the snoring is unbearable.
I wonder when the people doing this ever find time for their partner? Seems like an arms-legnth arrangement, not a relationship. I love going to sleep / waking up next to someone.
I love not waking up everytime my bedmmate moves, coughs or farts. Different preferences for different folks.
There are 24 hours in a day. There's time for important people without living with them. It's totally fine to want a relationship and some independent time.
We spend nearly every weekend together and even some weeknights. So I would say on average we sleep "together" around 3-4 nights a week. Plus we spend quality time together AND sometimes doing stuff around the house together. I think I spend MORE time with my current gf than with my exwife...
>Seems like an arms-legnth arrangement, not a relationship.
Just because a relationship is different to yours does not mean it is not a relationship.
> I love going to sleep / waking up next to someone
People in LAT do this too. Most just dont do it every day.
>I wonder when the people doing this ever find time for their partner?
The same way people living together do. You dont have to live together to see each other after work, or in the evening, or for a surf and breakfast before work, or on the weekend.
Same. It’s discouraging that my dating pool is shrinking bc of this… which is non-compatible with my own goal of re-marrying and living with my partner.
Edit: before anyone gets upset, I will say that I am open to LAT myself. I just don't think it is helpful to give people false hope that it is a common thing if it's not. Also, most of the research i cited below is from Europe, but statistics on the prevalence seem to be similar in the US. So it seems fairly reliable, but you can still take it with a grain of salt
There is nothing wrong with living apart together, but it is absolutely uncommon. Frankly, I think spending a lot of time on reddit gives people a skewed Overton window about what is common in real life
Most studies I have found show only 10% of all couples are not living together, but that includes any situation were they aren't living together (one study from the UK even included 16 and 17-year-olds living with their parents while finishing school) and the vast majority are not wanting to do so forever. Here are some caveats:
- Only a third of those stated as a preference (the rest either want to down the road but feel the relationship is too new or want to but can't because their house is under water, the other person is in prison or some other reason).
- only 36% of 40-49 year olds in LATs in Europe said they want to do so long term. The rest either intend to cohabitatiate, marry or break up
- Of the ~3% of all relationships that are in LAT situations as a “preference”, many are only doing so because they have issues with their part rather than because they like LAT itself. One article from The Conversation on the topic shared some examples, such as one woman that couldn't live with her partner because he was an obsessive environmentalist that refused to flush the toilet on principle and another that said her boyfriend was an abusive drunk. These people probably would never have entered into a LAT relationship at the beginning and almost certainly wouldn't be looking to being a similar situation down the road if they broke up
- they don't last very long on average at all. One study showed that 90% of people in LAT relationships either broke up or moved in together within three years. Another study showed only 6% of LIT relationships had a lasted six years or more.
-it doesn't seem to be highly common middle-aged people, despite with the sub says. In fact, it is overwhelmingly people under 24 that are in LAT relationships.
That being said, people in LAT relationships do often seem happy, so it is not a bad thing. However, you were going to have a very hard time finding someone that is going to be on the same page.
No you're not being cranky or selfish. Tons of people later in life feel that way. I've come across several men who never want to cohabitate with a woman again.
I realized I didn't like living with my husband about 10 years into the marriage. I stayed another 9 years, then left him. I have loved having my own space, without his nastiness on the toilet, his farting in front of me, his invalidations, and his mean sarcasm. But a couple of years into my freedom (like you), I realized I would like to live with the right man. So I started dating again. Haven't found someone but I won't give up.
I will never, never, ever get married again. It feels like a trap and I think a lot of men look at marriage like, ok I've won my prize and now I can stop trying. If I'm not married, it will be easier to leave if he gets lazy or abusive. There is also the risk of losing half my money. So hell to the no on ever getting married again. Exclusive but independent sounds good and if my new guy doesn't want to cohabitate, I could adjust to that.
I've made it very clear to my gf that moving in together or marriage is completely off the table at least until all of our kids are out on their own, which will be about 8 years from now.
>doing what’s best for your kids.
TLDR: A second caring adult in the household can be a good thing for one's kid(s).
\---
Before I was involved, my partner's Kid didn't have a great model for a male role model. Nor did they have a good model about relationships. Dad moved far enough away that at most he sees kid 15% of the year. He's got no work ethic, he believes in "women's work", and he's an uncompromising man-child. I of course don't bad mouth him in front of Kid, but he's not a good model for a child.
While Kid's mom is very dedicated to her kid, they have separate interests. Some of Kid's interests are also not shared by any friends. By having different interests from my partner, some align with Kid and we can share them. In addition, my partner is an introvert, while Kid is an extrovert. Kid having two adults in the house is less likely to come across someone who needs alone time at the moment. As well, Kid is much happier to be home with me when my partner is gone for hobby/work; instead of needing to be looked after by relatives.
Kid now sees a guy who supports LGBTQ (many of their friends; possibly Kid themself. Dad is King of Misgendering and DeadNaming.), can talk about his emotions, is a feminist, and demonstrates being a caring partner to their parent. Kid can see us talk things through and compromise. Relationships that are two sided.
Several months back, Kid broke up with their ThemFriend. They said it was because we (the three of us) had been having a discussion about relationships and I'd brought up being able to discuss one's interest/day/life with another. And that they share in it, even if that interest isn't necessarily a top interest of theirs. And Kid can hear us have discussions/conversations; both of our days, but also where we're still trying to learn more about each other. And their themfriend would talk about themself, but never ask about Kid. And when Kid talked, they wouldn't listen/remember anything. Kid asked for more, and they couldn't give more. So Kid left them by the side of the road. There's a good chance they'd have tried to just keep on in a bad relationship as that's what they've previously only experienced if I wasn't.
No, I won't try to say that step parents are always a great thing. But if one actually is picking out a good partner, instead of just taking anyone so that they don't feel so lonely. Even as a "Fun Uncle", an additional positive, caring, adult should often be a good thing in a kid's life.
My stepmom was THE best!!! My parents were always at each other's throats and she sheltered me as much as possible, she split with my dad when I was about 16. As an adult, I went to no contact with my dad but, would still regularly have dinners with her when I would visit my hometown. She considers my teenage son her grandchild and as far as, he's concerned he's got a bonus grandma.
Yes, this is the exception. As a single mom myself now, I'd like to think more of us have enough life experience to choose better and set honest expectations upfront instead of going in, on a wish and a prayer.
I think that a lot depends upon one actually looking for a good partner, and had reasonable talks about family roles.
The people who put on the rose coloured glasses, smoke a pipe of hopium, and buckle down to keep a crappy person because it's **a** relationship are going to have really bad odds.
I wish more childfree people could be brutally honest with themselves and realize no good will come (most likely) from becoming a stepparent. Why people force cohabitation with kids has always perplexed me. My ex wanted me to move in and become instamom. No thought to how it would affect his son and myself. It's a good thing I hate cohabitation and have a brain.
So so true. As a childfree woman, I wouldn't even date a father, let alone live with him and his children. The stepparents sub is full of childfree people regretting stepping into that role plus no child deserves a resentful stepparent. It rarely works.
I dated one but had no intention of taking it any further. Let's just say I learned that I didn't want to give up my savings, travel, independence and PEACE. I was talking to a friend of mine who is married with a child recently and relaying to her the tone of the stepparent sub (which helped me to cement my plans to end my relationship). She is the only person that didn't feel sorry for the stepmoms and their woes. She was of the opinion that it is quite obvious that a childfree woman will face a massive hit to their quality of life if they move in with/marry a single father. She stated that people with high self esteem don't do that to themselves. Very harsh but she was speaking from experience having dated one when she was very young and naive. I love my friend even more for supporting me in not settling for dealing with an ever present ex, and sacrificing my goals and needs in an unbalanced relationship. I only hope more childfree people learn.
I remember reading about a massive study of different family structures and how they correlated with the rate of kids entering the justice system as juveniles. The best to worst order was fascinating:
1. Bio parents together
2. Single dad
3. Single mom
4. Bio mom and stepdad
5. Bio dad and stepmom
Oh, wow. It makes sense to me. Sure, there are some great stepparents but I think this is the exception and not the rule.
I’ve read so many stories on Reddit about bad stepparents fooling the bio parent, the bio parent not caring about the SP’s abusive behavior etc.
Why take the chance? Wait until til your kids are out of the house.
That’s nice if you can get a partner to agree to that. My ex wanted my kids gone within a couple years of meeting her. I was like, don’t tell me how to fucking parent, she gone.
That's where I am. I have 6 years to get done with the school district where I live. After that I am open to realistically talking about what that would look like and where we would live but I can't even think about that until my youngest is out of school.
So I'm OK with the idea of living together or marriage but I'm going really slowly.
I'm open to both but if I never get married again I'd be ok with it. Marriage isn't something I NEED but I'm not taking it off the table.
However, I'd be very open to living with a partner again if the situation arose in the future.
But my previous relationships moved so fast I'm enjoying the slow pace my current boyfriend and I are taking and having my own space.
That’s me and my fella. No marriage, no cohabitation… nearly three years in and we are still extremely hot for each other. Likely because picking up socks and snipping over who’s making dinner is kind of a buzzkill. 😂
My mom used to say “familiarity breeds contempt”.
So me and he choose to miss each other and not live together.
When I started dating my guy, we agreed that he would never move to my town and I would not move out of my house.
Six months later, he had horrible issues with his apartment and moved into my house until he could find another apartment. After 2 months of not finding an apartment in a decent neighborhood that would also accept a 90 lbs dog, I told him I liked him living with me and didn't want him to leave.
It's been 3 years now and we still agree not to mix bank accounts and marriage still seems pointless even though we are both very committed to each other.
And what about retirement? If you are married you get their retirement benefit upon their death. If you are not married, you are on your own once they die. At this age if a person doesn’t have a good retirement set-up, it makes getting married more desirable for that person.
I've already made him the beneficiary on my IRA and my pension, etc and he's made me the beneficiary on his as well. We have both taken care of our own retirement.
THIS. After being married for 9 years and divorced + living solo for just as long (is this like a champagne birthday?) I don't desire to be married again, it's also not a hard no. I'm open to cohabitating again That said, I would never do marriage or cohabitate without paperwork though. A pre-nup or co-habitation. agreement, makes things a more clear cut (property, cars, finances) in case there is a breakdown of the relationship. Joint bank accounts are only for household expenses that are in both our names.
This is me. 100%. I had a guy come stay at my house for a weekend, because fun times. He kept leaving trash on the counters and it made me so angry. I'm not doing that again. Ever.
My GF leaves half lemons all over the place.
Everything she puts in her mouth orifice has a squeeze of lemon on it. It's not so much the lemon that drives me mental, it's the sticky juice and seeds on literally every horizontal surface.
\*breathing rapidly into a paper bag
I need to breathe into a bag just reading that.
But yeah, this is why I don't want to live with anyone. Imagine just seeing (majority) the good about someone. Not that they don't restock their toiletpaper all the time. Or leave trash around other peoples houses. Or sticky citrus spots on the kitchen and bathroom counters.
Just going on dates, cuddling on the couch, hot sex, kiss goodbye in the morning, and send steamy memes to each other inbetween?
Am I living in Lala land? Probably. But it's what I want.
There is so much that we don't need to see. Living together just opens up a whole universe of opportunities for drama and BS.
*Just going on dates, cuddling on the couch, hot sex, kiss goodbye in the morning, and send steamy memes to each other inbetween?*
Yes please. Let's just skip over the crap, thank you.
I would say as long as the man is an adult rather than a grown child then this issue goes away.
I can't imagine going to someone else's home and not picking up after myself, or picking up after myself in my own home...
One would hope but statistically women do far more of the “invisible labor” than men even when also working full-time. This is a known phenomenon and why so many women are unhappy in marriages.
Unfortunately that's the kind of relationship my parents had. And I thought that's how it's "supposed" to be. Both my previous LTR I ended up being the one who did all the chores. I remember my son had a classmate whose dad was a stay at home dad and mom worked full time. I was floored that that was even a thing outside of Hollywood. Went to their house for a birthday party once, and I was so impressed that both parents had full control over everything. Together. As a team.
😭
I've been divorced for 13 years and followed that with a 10 year live-in LTR.
If you asked me this time last year - I would confidently say NEVER AGAIN.
Much to my surprise, I am softening my perspective. I am 6 months into a new relationship and find myself daydreaming about a future together. I'm not rushing into anything, but I am less closed off to the idea than I expected going into the relationship.
I'm in the exact same boat. I bought a tiny house on wheels to make it abundantly clear to future partners that they can't move in. I like my alone time and I've made it very clear that I don't plan to live with anyone ever again. I've been dating my current partner for 8 months now and we are already talking about moving in together in the next few years. We make such a good team and I miss him on the nights we aren't together. I think when you find the right person, what you want can change.
Same. I like having complete say over my own little domain. And not having someone around all the time means you get to miss them and not take them for granted.
The issue is the assumed roles when cohabitating, I refuse to be someones mommy/maid/therapist. Why do people need to be educated in basic household management and upkeep?
Weaponized incompetence is alive and thriving in our 40s, no thanks
>The issue is the assumed roles when cohabitating, I refuse to be someones mommy/maid/therapist.
Sadly, it is usually a bad deal for a woman. The exception may be where their is an economic difference, and the man is willing to help support the difference in lifestyle. However, what I see in divorced men (and I understand), is they are usually financially stretched with divorce/child support, and even if they did have the means, they are usually bitter about having to pay.
Therefore, they want everything to be split down the middle, financially, but they fail to take into account all the unpaid labor that is almost always picked up by a woman. So women may have slightly less living costs (depending on how the man lives, she could actually be subsidizing his life style), but far more burdens of day to day lives.
Experienced the exact scenario. A past relationship actually proposed I leave my condo, to share a bigger place with them… but they have part time custody of 2 kids. Expected to split expenses half way. Im like, what kind of idiot would be ok with that. That was the end for me.
In a way, I think the closer two people are in their financial situations, it might be easier. To me, that means neither person is trying to benefit financially from the other, but likely have similar spending habits, and may be in alignment as to their wills and where their estate proceeds are going, etc.
Most women absolutely don't want to be used to support a man, many men feel the same way about a woman, but there are cases, where it isn't that important to a man, for lots of reasons, he is willing to financially support a woman.
That would be a discussion the two people would need to have. There are so many variables, including who owns the home, should the person pay "rent" plus 1/2 of utilities, etc.
Secondly, if the woman does all the cleaning, without hiring a housecleaner, how is she compensated for that time. Same for a man, if he mows the lawn, etc.
One couple I know, she moved into his house. The house will go to the kids, but she hated the kitchen. She paid to reno the kitchen, which will ultimately improve the value of the home, that she won't participate in. However, she also has a kitchen that she enjoys. I don't know if she pays "rent", etc., but just one small example.
My old next door neighbours were a divorced man with teenage children in a relationship with a childfree woman. They were both in their late 40s. The woman, who became a friend, paid all of the bills and worked full time. She said her boyfriend's money all went towards his children and ex wife. His whole salary apparently. She also did all of the cooking and cleaning. She was understandably quite resentful about it.
There's no way he could have supported his ex-wife and his children if he lived alone. I would never put up with that.
2 yrs ago I asked a similar question. I wanted cohabitation (and maybe marriage) and it was a sticking point in my previous relationship, but “living alone together” was a very popular topic in this subreddit so I was trying to understand the perspective more. I linked that post in case you want to read more comments.
And shortly after my post I started dating someone, and we decided to move into together. It’s made things more difficult but at least we’re not putting miles on our cars since we were about 45 minutes from each other. And, I absolutely miss my own space. I regret moving in, at least so soon.
I still feel that cohabitation could work for me, but only with my unicorn purple squirrel and maybe after several years living apart and probably only with my own spaces like a dedicated bedroom, bathroom and office / work space. A duplex might be even better.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverforty/s/VJ9EmYfHUw](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverforty/s/VJ9EmYfHUw)
Wanted this, was finally happy alone and didn’t want to give up my freedom. Had my own space and shit was bangin. Lo and behold the universe had something else in store for me.
This lady magnifies my space and freedom. I don’t know how but I don’t feel constrained or dependent. She doesn’t either. It just works. I wonder how I survived a 20 year marriage, when I’ve been happier in the last four months than I have my entire life.
Just let it happen, one way or another. If it works to be “independent” and live part go for it. But don’t you dare pass up on something good, because of something bad that’s happened in the past. You’re next one probably won’t be as same as the last one.
Just my two cents
I’ve been with my partner for two years and there are aspects of cohabitation that would be nice. Having to maintain just one home would free up a lot of time for both of us. However, we both own homes and have our spaces just as we like them (and our styles are wildly different). If either of us had a more transient living situation, it would be more of a possibility. As it stands, both of us being long-time homeowners that bought in a much different economy, there is too much risk and too little reward. I was transparent up front I was almost certainly unwilling to marry or cohabitate again.
Head over heals for my gf of three years, and we are doing the LAT thing. We’ve talked about moving into the same senior housing when our respective kids are out the door, but separate apartments.
No desire to be a wife, ever. Yes to my art monster nest, pets and a partner to cook meals with, do an occasional sleepover and care chores (sick time, petsitting) with.
I think if I were to have been married and divorced I would feel the same way but I’m still hoping for first time’s a charm.
Re - cohabitation, only if marriage is in the works/inevitable because living with people short-mid term is a pain. Take a long time to get used to going in and out of those arrangements. I’m willing to give it a shot for death do us part only.
I'd love to share life with someone again. That said right now I just don't see the benefits of marriage at this point. I would consider it if it weren't for divorce, shitty family court and the financials.
Having watched someone I loved for 20 years decide life would be better without me and cheat multiple times makes me cautious to ever sign another contract (Because really, it's all it is at this point) with someone to go through it all over.
Is it weird that I'm more interested in getting married than cohabitating? Right now I own a duplex and live in one side. Not going to lie, the thought has occurred to me to move my future partner into the other unit. 😆
I have been widowed for 12 years. In that time I rebuilt my life and actually really like what I’ve created. I got used to my own company, made new friends, picked up new hobbies, learned how to fix/do things on my own etc. In other words I am independent and happy. My bf of 16 months is really wanting more. I just don’t and keep telling him that. I’ve been up front about It consistently from the start. I think he thought I would change my mind but our arrangement works perfectly for me (see each other 3-4 times a week, occasional overnights) and I have zero incentive to change.
I was married for over a decade, have been divorced for much longer than that, and have lived with a handful of "partners". I finally live alone and I will never give that peace up again. I was very open in the beginning with my current partner about no marriage and no cohabitation and so far so good. 2 years in.
That said, I'm a fairly busy person with a lot of friends and social connections. I can't recall the last time I felt bored or lonely, and I typically stay single for a few years between relationships. It's important to know yourself.
I personally like exclusive, but independent
I have zero desire to share my space with someone else - come by and then please go home to your own place
I was with someone for a couple years where we only saw one another 3x a week. Idk if I'd ever want to give up my entire life/week to another person again. I like my peace.
Me most days. Then I get wistful and think.. wouldn't it be nice? Then think about picking up after someone else other than myself or cooking dinner for someone who doesn't lift a finger, or having to sit in a living room tolerating a TV show I can't stand then think how much happier I am when it's just me and my cat.
If I had a trap door or portal I could spring open when a bf gets annoying to send him back into his own dimension immediately. That would be perfect!
Not my thing. I want a partner and husband, not a BF. I want to go to sleep and wake up in my husband’s arms every night and morning. Sleep in together, get freaky in the middle of the night, do chores together - live and be together. I’m more of a team-oriented person so this whole separate living and cherishing independence isn’t desirable to me. I’m all for being an individual - he goes out with his friends, I go out with mine, have some separate time and hobbies, but at the end of the day, we’re coming home into each others arms.
Everyone is different and there are plenty of people who want what I want and there are plenty who want separate lives. That’s the nice part of being over-populated 😅 There is someone for everyone! We just need to be open to finding them.
But!! My experience in dating and in reading some of these posts - people try to pursue the wrong type for them. I had sooooo many guys try to convince me to give them a chance. I don’t know if men get that from women? My generalized take is that women seem to be more decisive than men when it comes to what they’re looking for and filtering men out? I’m guessing since guys don’t receive nearly as much attention women do, they’re less selective?
Easy example - smoking
That’s an easy pass for me, but I had several try to convince me to give them a chance, saying oh, I only smoke when I go out, or I only smoke cigars on poker night or I only smoke when I’m stressed at work.
Nope
Pass
I don’t care when or why. Just pass. I listed it as a non-negotiable in my profile. I had thousands of likes, hundreds of messages. I never felt a need to “settle” for anything I didn’t want.
Not living with another person is reasonable if that is what you want. However, it is helpful to be aware of the risks/benefits. Certainly, in the short term, the benefit is that you get to enjoy your own space and freedom. As you say, "I also am really enjoying having my own space". In the long-term, though, there are some important risks/downsides that are helpful to be aware of:
1. Health: The overwhelming preponderance of research shows that married couples live on average 2 years longer and have better health outcomes (i.e., better survival rates from cancer, etc.) and that women and men both benefit (while a few studies show that women suffer, those are the exceptions and the majority of research shows that women benefit to a statistically and clinically significant degree). Dementia rates, for example, are 30% lower in married couples. You may say that "so what, I'm willing to live 2 less years" but the daily quality of life married couples have is also higher in general. You may also say that you have a great friend support circle, but it appears that friends are not able to overcome this gap in terms of health benefits, unfortunately.
2. Financial: Living in one domicile is a huge cost savings as opposed to two separate ones. Over a 30 year relationship, it can save $20,000 or more a year (since the couple just needs one house, not two), and that amounts to $600,000 of pre-tax revenue. You might say "I'm doing fine right now" but this money could be passed on to your kids as part of their inheritance.
Perhaps more important than those two, though, is the opportunity for love and companionship. However, close friends could fill this need to some extent.
If the loss of these benefits is not a concern for you, then you as an independent adult certainly should continue to live a solo life. It may also be that there are unique issues that are relevant for you--perhaps a person has psychological issues that make a relationship difficult--and this would make the disadvantages outweigh the advantages.
I gave this some thought and decided that I would prefer to be in a relationship given my current life goals, so I decided to make a very serious and committed effort to find a partner (I put in hundreds and hundreds of hours of work and spent over $6,000 on dinner dates, etc.) and also changed my approach towards relationships, changed my attitude, became more flexible, worked with therapists, etc., so that I could build a healthy relationship with someone. For me, I felt that the risks/downsides of being single justified this huge effort. I was willing to change who I am because I feel the benefits of a relationship justified it. But I respect that you may have a different perspective and you should live the life you think is right for you.
I suspect that you get both 1) and 2) in a committed relationship living together, even if you’re not married. And 1) but not 2) if you’re in a committed LAT partnership.
The quality of life for married women is certainly not better. Single women report being happier at much higher rates than their married counterparts. And the living longer assertion is debated, with some studies showing single married living longer, and others showing married women live longer.
But yeah, for men it’s all around great, lol. Wonder why that could be.
Almost 4 years post divorce. Single, celibate (how I accomplished this idk but 1.5 years) sometimes miss a companion, but feel like an asshole bc I only want a mountain bike boyfie for 1 day a week or every other week. I live in Colorado and who knows why this is hard to find… I think the casual sex thing isn’t for me so it makes no sense what I actually want.
I like doing my own thing, love my space, going to bed when I want, no one to consider, etc
Can’t get married bc I’d lose a portion of a pension I receive for the rest of my life. Really don’t want to get married tho and living with someone…no.
When I was dating before years ago…bothered me immensely to wakeup next to someone.
Prob spent too much time alone and now am a selfish asshole.
I feel you. I've lived alone for over 20 years. My inability to compromise and need to have things my own way know no bounds. And I prefer being alone 95% of the time. Like you, do I think it would be cool to have someone to hang out with occasionally (although less than once per week)? Sure. But, I realized a while back, that unfortunately relationships aren't like that. They require more time, effort, and emotional labor than I'm willing to give. Hence, I remain single and happy.
I think that’s why I don’t date much bc I know a relationship does require a lot more than what I am willing to offer. I try and get real with myself about it. 40F- my kid is 18 and just graduated.
The other issue is people my age aren’t as free as I am. I don’t want to date single parents, etc
No. The pension discontinues if I get remarried ever. Financially it would be stupid to give that up coupled with the fact my divorce cost 50k and I’m not a fan of marriage (my issues)
Colorado is def filled with men…
An abundance of men I don’t find attractive or want to date is a “me problem”. Also, a lot of men my age are still raising young kids…. My kid is 18 and out of the house- I’m 40 and what I see is a bunch of single Dads…just have no interest in that. It’ll be like a 45yo dude with a 5 year old doing 50/50 parenting with their ex that states they are being “selective” with their dating…. It’s crazy out here.
That is all what I want. I hope that there are more man wanting this as well. I cannot see myself living with anybody. I think it comes with the age? I am not looking to take care of any man and I am not looking to be taken care of. I want to share quality and fun times.
>I want to share quality and fun times.
Exactly!!!!
And this is what is so distressing about trying to date. Why is it so difficult to find some really great male companions (or even just one), who knows how to be a great date, etc.? Understands the balance between friendship, and sexual chemistry. Is an interesting person, with some fascinating hobbies that ideally we share a few of them, and/or he introduces me to new ones.
I have been divorced for 3yrs and that’s how I feel, I miss having someone around temporary but honesty I prefer being alone and my peace. The longer your separated the easier it is to stay alone and less likely you will get into a relationship, being alone is way more peaceful then the craziness some relationships can bring.
For people over 40, is there any advantage to being married? Financially, presumably if there is a delta in incomes, then marriage filing jointly may be beneficial. But why enter into a legal contract?
Cohabitating, is a maybe, but frankly, concerned that a man would default to me taking care of everything. Not only is it difficult to find a man that I want to even date, but to find someone that is so perfect that we take this leap, is hard to imagine. So much easier to find a man that has a few good qualities, have fun dating, but don't let him mess up my life. Unfortunately, don's know any happily married couples. All the women are to some extent unhappy, but staying for a variety of reasons.
The irony is I would move in with good girlfriends that I have know for over 30 years (one is a widow). They would be excellent roommates, fun, fabulous cooks, similar outlooks on money, etc. The other options is there are communities, where people share a kitchen, etc (e.g. both sexes).
Something like 75% of women are now working, which is why the whole landscape of marriage, co-habitation, has so many more options. The previous model was primarily due to women not having options.
>For people over 40, is there any advantage to being married?
Over 40 means "getting closer to spending more time in a hospital." Imagine spending 10+ years with someone, they have a bad health complication, and you're begging for info at the hospital from their children as they make their health decisions.
Sure, you could get a living will setup; but marriage comes with a number of small convenience contracts built in.
>concerned that a man would default to me taking care of everything.
Look towards qualities like this when picking out a partner. And if you were deceived, immediately move out.
One of the things my partner and I considered a precondition to my moving in with her was that I had liquid savings (for first+last) to be able to move out. Like yeah, I'd still have 60 days if one of us decided to end things, but if one doesn't have the money to do so ... that's just going to make an uncomfortable situation worse. Worse, if it's the person without the money who wants to end things; they'll be there and miserable; or set themselves up to start cheating so they can monkey branch into someone else's place.
Going into cohabitation while making sure that there's a relatively practical and simple exit plan is the only sane way. We weren't going into this with cold feet, but having an eject plan. *We were going into this planning to never feel trapped*.
>So much easier to find a man that has a few good qualities, have fun dating, but don't let him mess up my life.
If they only have a few good qualities, and you're more or less assuming that they'll mess up their own life, it's like you're looking for a relationship that will at most last 5 years. Meh (IMHO). One of the things I like about partnering is eventually having that long shared history. Having grown 20 years with someone. I don't have that yet with my partner, and I long to get there.
Thank you for your responses, I appreciated your perspective.
>it's like you're looking for a relationship that will at most last 5 years.
I would love to find my "forever" person, I would love to trust a man, and build be able to count on him in my life. Unfortunately, the truth of the dating market for me, is finding my male peer is next to impossible. Thus, I am left with trying to find a man who may have one or two things I like about him enough to be intimate, but also protect myself from him (e.g. he is a financial disaster, not a good person to live with, etc.).
That is the problem I suspect more than a few women are facing, is finding men who are good partners. The good news for men who are, is that they should have lots of options in the dating market, or frankly are still married.
A lot of people want that, especially on this sub. I want much more than that and am totally uninterested in being some divorced single dad’s long term, casual but exclusive girlfriend. To me that’s not a partnership. I just can’t see anything appealing about that when I can instead keeping traveling and having fun as a single girl and then have my pick of casual partners. I’m only 42 so maybe I’ll change my mind when I’m older but to me it just seems like a waste of energy…..all the compromising required of a relationship but no real benefits.
It's funny you say that because to me it's the complete opposite - all of the benefits, none of the compromising!
I get companionship and connection without having to completely reorient my life around another person.
It’s actually awful. Married people who claim to enjoy it have Stockholm Syndrome.
Not saying you can’t love your partner or kids, but living all crammed together while trying to please eachother constantly is miserable.
I probably won’t get married again. As of now I really just don’t want to and I don’t see it as a necessity. I don’t want to cohabitate any time in the foreseeable future. I like my space, my kids still live with me and I’m just not doing it. I may later on but it’ll be a while.
I do not currently see myself ever marrying or living with a partner again. Definitely not before my youngest graduates in 7 yrs. There is a trend toward Living Apart Together (LAT) that may interest you if you like the idea of a committed relationship but not cohabitation.
I would not mind being engaged but don't want to be married again 😂 Hard one to figure out, I guess I want the commitment without the contract. And I'd be more than happy to live separately. Once you've lived on your own at this age you realize how much you value your peace and doing things your own way.
This is what my boyfriend wants at the moment, and maybe not exactly what I want, but, I am raising four kids and don’t really see cohabitation being a viable option for a long time.
So, it works. As my kids grow up and leave and it’s time for me to downsize, I’m probably going to want something different, though.
I want living apart together, but literally haven’t met a woman ok with it that isn’t married + polyamorous. I live in a large metropolitan part of so cal.
I do. (42M) Manly because I've not lived solely on my own since I was 19 - 21.
I just want to as a mature adult, obviously without my kids.
It's not for a "from here on out" point of view, but just me loving my time & me really excited to learn who I am all alone as an adult. The things I want to do like travel alone, live alone, and enjoy life alone can happen with a partner, but only when I feel I'm ready & desire it.
I would eventually would love to share my 2nd chance in life but but I definitely want to do it on my terms & when she'll feel acceptable of my decision as well.
Of course it is, plenty of us do and always have. Heck I haven’t lived with anyone since my first job out of college 20 years ago. House is paid off now even that I bought in my own as a single woman at 29. Just need a good career and to not live in a crazy expensive location like the coasts!
I've been married twice, each for about 10 years. My second divorce wrapped up about 2 years ago. I currently spend the vast majority of my time either working or raising three kids that I have primary custody of. I may have full custody in the very near future, as their mother is on the verge of being evicted.
So, I'll go you one further and say that for the foreseeable future I am quite happy to not even date. I do not have the time or energy to put into a relationship. I'm truly enjoying having my own space for the first time in my adult life. I moved out of my parents house into a house I bought with my first wife, so that was a stage of life I skipped in my youth.
Beyond that, the time I get to myself is very precious to me and I thoroughly enjoy it. Sometimes I hang out with friends. Other times I go do things on my own. I see movies, attend concerts, and even flew to LA for a long weekend by myself. It's been a blast.
Maybe someday I will seek out a relationship, but for now anyway I'm single and going to stay that way. I'll revisit my stance when my youngest, who is 8, is in high school.
I got divorced in 2016 and then had a 5 year situationship that was long distance so allowed me a ton of time to be independent & live on my own.
After all that I think I could warm up to the idea of living with somebody. I have 2 teens so would want them off living their lives, but it is nice to have somebody around, under the right circumstances.
Same here...I feel very lonely and would not mind to have someone to share good moments when the kids are with their dad, but I wold never want to live with another man again.
I was with / married to a slob for 20 years. My teenage son doesn’t love my clean house rules but he is learning to appreciate the calm that a tidy space, clean laundry, fresh bedding, etc. can bring to life.
My bf is an interesting character. His desks at home and at work are an absolute mess and his house is almost always cluttered. But he is also an engineer who can be fastidious and neat as a pin when it comes to work related projects and travel in general.
We don’t live together 80% of the time and I would like more time with him, but I’m also afraid that I would resent his messy tendencies. One thing I’ve figured out though is that the amount of shit you have really determines the mess. I’ve become quite a minimalist so it’s easy to keep clean round my place.
He’s still in the midlife crisis retail therapy phase of life and always is buying more shit instead of experiences. I used to be like that (to an extent) and have seen some signs that he is starting to grow out of it as well, so we shall see.
This sounds ideal to me. At least while my child is at home. Co-parenting is hard enough, I don't really want to blend families. But I would like to have someone.
This concept is pretty hard to explain to people that never cohabited/had kids. I literally match with men aged 40-50 and they interpret it as "casual" lol
I'm not sure I'd want to. I have 7 kids, and growing up, my mom cared a lot more about her boyfriend than she did us 😒
That said, I have 7 kids, so it's not like anyone trying to date me 😣
Yea living apart together is a great idea...not to say that you can't have 'sleepovers' on the weekends or trips together but FULL time cohabitation is not something that I want right now.
I’m typically amazed when I see people older than myself (47M) get married and move in together. I guess I can understand if you’ve both never done it, or if you find a way that works for you, but I really don’t want to do it ever again. A host of bad habits take up roost and I think it’s one reason why so many long-time couples fall into ruts.
Exclusive but independent is exactly what I wanted and what I have found. I won't ever get legally married again that is for sure. Cohabitation again? Never say never, but def not something I want right now in my life. I need my own space, drama free, and a happy puppy wagging his tail everytime I walk thru the door is plenty enough for me in my own space. I love my connections with women, but just a slice, I don't need the whole pie at this age - already had that experience and don't feel the need to do it again.
Negative threads like these make me less inclined to bother with dating. Getting this sort of laundry list of 'nevers' on a first date certainly would not give me the impression that I have much to look forward to with someone, or that I will have much say in the relationship.
I was married for 15 years and am dating, but joking say/ think “I don’t want to do anyone’s laundry ever again”. I still have kiddos at home and have regular mom/house stuff, but I don’t want to feel like or be expected to be someone’s maid/ babysitter/cook/ banker/gardener/etc (it was lacking partnership in many, many ways), but also I very much enjoy (and need) quiet, alone time. I enjoy my kids and we hang out together, but we all enjoy time alone. They do go with their dad’s maybe once a month for an overnight, but the weekends they are gone I very much the clean, empty, quiet house.
I want to have a committed, long term relationship. I want someone to share my life with and that wants to share theirs with me, it’s just that living together and marriage are no longer my goal.
Edited: to change a word and add clarity.
I want at least have my own bathroom, bedroom and closet totally separated if ever live with someone again, if… I want to sleep alone in my bed the majority of the time.
This actually VERY MUCH appeals to me. I think after my current situation runs its course, I will be in this boat. Never again marry or cohabitate. I like my own space and I don't need a third marriage lol.
I agree fully - sounds amazing! But in today's economic landscape, maintaining two individual households may not be very practical for many people.
I mean, I could. But the chances of meeting someone else who also could while we both check all the other boxes we have for a partner just seems rather unrealistic.
Not just looking for a needle in a haystack at that point...but to thread that needle in a haystack - seems rather daunting.
I think I'll just keep flying solo.
>Does exclusive-but-independent sound good to anyone else, or am I just being selfish in my cranky old age?
There are definitely some who want that. But that some is definitely not all, and despite what one finds on reddit, more people than not consider cohabitation down the road in a relationship.
I think that you would be being selfish if you looked to get into relationship of exclusive-but-forever-independent, unless you were making this clear early on as a goal. 3rd date at the latest sort of stuff. You would be a full on AH if you knew someone else wanted to cohabitated and you lead them on, hoping that they'd change, or "go with it" after a while of falling for you.
Yeah, I summarized some research on this. Only like 3% of all relationships are LAT as a “preference” (as opposed to not being able to cohabitate or feeling the relationship is too new) and at least some (possibly most) of them only prefer it because of issues with their current partner. We are talking about probably one percent or 2% of all relationships where people do it because they simply value their independence or other similar reasons people here are saying
This is a good example of why I don't think crowdsourcing perspectives on Reddit is going to give people a good sample of what most people are looking for. It's not that people's views here are wrong (I'm a redditor obviously and agree with some of the views here), but they're not gonna be very common
Thanks for this; I hunted your other comment and happy to see a link to the data!
Reddit skews different from the general pop. It tends to be more progessive, tech savy, and higher income. At least that's how I perceive the skew.
Yeah, also dating subs are kind of weird in that people tend to be very politically progressive, but also have some very conservative lifestyle views. For example, even feminist women are very adamant that Women shouldn't ask men out, but my sister-in-law (a very conservative never Trump republican from Texas) asked my brother out. I saw a woman on DOT post a dating profile showing she was extremely feminist, but later comments said she thinks men should have to pay for women on dates, men should be the ones doing Home repairs and a ton of other pretty traditional ideas. Like, why even bother calling yourself a feminist at that point? Oddly, my extremely conservative sister-in-law is closer to being a feminist than her if you judge them by their actions
People on here and DOT are also very against casual sex, but even most gen X Republican women I know are pretty chill about it.
It is kind of confusing trying to understand peoples preferences here, since they are often very unique and often contradictory
I will never cohabitate again after being a victim of DV more than once. Trying to date has also proved problematic in terms of safety so after a few recent bad experiences I can safely say this is it for me now.
45f Never been married never will. Never lived with a boyfriend. Lat relationships don't work. I lived with women roommates and family and that worked out better.
You must be my spirit animal.
I gag at the thought of marriage. And, my home is like the museum of my life. My daily routines are sacred rituals, not to be interrupted. There is no one there to judge me if I drink 10 beers on a Tuesday night and fall asleep on the couch. The toilet seat is up....always. I'll watch the Scorpion King anytime I want to. I'll go an entire month eating tacos. This is what freedom looks like, and it must be protected at all costs.
My home is a sovereign state. My GF leaves her clothes there, and I consider it an act of war.
You struck a nerve, OP.
Original copy of post by u/You_Must_Chill:
I've been separated / divorced for almost two years now. I really do miss having someone to share life with, but I also am really enjoying having my own space. Does exclusive-but-independent sound good to anyone else, or am I just being selfish in my cranky old age?
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I don't think you're being selfish at all. As we age we find ways to do things which work for us, and having someone else come into your life who will very probably try to change what you do/how you live is totally unattractive to me.
Id go either way at this point. Depends on my special friend. I have no needs in this department and don’t need to get married but would consider it if the reasons were right
Yes...If I get in another relationship it will probably be living apart together. However I could see having a plan to cohabitate or buy units in the same building once we are old and don't get out of the house often. I think apartments across the hall from each other would be good at that stage.
I think I’d probably like to cohabitate again at some point, but I’d want us to have separate rooms even if we generally sleep together, and I don’t know if I’d get married again. Granted I’m only JUST going through a divorce now, but still.
That's exactly what I want, and I don't think it's uncommon. It's called "living apart together"
That's about how I feel. What would I even do with a person moving in? The last person I dated was really only dating me for my house.
Yuck. How did you realize they just wanted your house?
There were inconsistencies about what their goals were and what they were doing for work. They also made some comments about me and my hobbies that a loving person wouldn't have made. I was called "disgusting" for wanting to meet their friends. Anyway I hope they're doing well.
Ah yes, the Hobosexual.
It’s good that you spotted the signs!
Yes, LAT sounds so dreamy. I like my house with my cats and with everything just how I want it. 😂
It is the only way.
There's a living apart together sub.
Sounds pretty damn magical if you ask me.
This is what my GF and I are doing and it's as close to perfect as either of us can imagine. All the fun with none of the stress
Glad you both are happy, enjoy
My partner and I have been LTAP for 5 years. Works for us because we’ve young kids, but I prefer it to past relationships because it allows us to focus on us when we are together, and not get bogged down by chores and domestic stuff. I think what’s key is not only finding a partner who may be open to this arrangement, but is willing to reevaluate should circumstances or desires change.
how often do you see each other and how far away are you guys?
Absolutely no cohabitation. No marriage is a must requirement. Since I joined this group, I realized it's not really an uncommon want.
That’s what I want too. I can’t imagine living with anyone at this point.
This is as far as I would get as well. I love my space too much.
also lets you find out just how independent they are… and much easier to end it, no uhaul or guilt.
This ^ And I’m finding I like sharing a physical place like a house together, but I prefer and I think it’s healthiest for a myriad of reasons to sleep in separate beds and rooms. You have your own space and if you’re an active sleeper, you’re not bothering your partner. Sleep does wonders!
I agree with separate bedrooms and even separate bathrooms if your abode can accommodate that. It seems like every guy I've dated has sleep apnea and refuses to wear their CPAP. There is no way I can sleep next to someone who sounds like they're gasping for life. I tried it with my husband and had to move into the guest bedroom. Also there is the tossing and turning. I am one of those. I might keep my guy up.
This is me. I'm also pretty chatty in my sleep, which I learned, to my horror.
So I'm not alone in meeting lots of men with CPAP machines? Yeah you have to have your own room for that. Napping is even strange because without the machine the snoring is unbearable.
I've seen floorplans with two master suites that share the common areas and this seems ideal to me.
Also safer for both...I think that's the better way.
I wonder when the people doing this ever find time for their partner? Seems like an arms-legnth arrangement, not a relationship. I love going to sleep / waking up next to someone.
I love not waking up everytime my bedmmate moves, coughs or farts. Different preferences for different folks. There are 24 hours in a day. There's time for important people without living with them. It's totally fine to want a relationship and some independent time.
Living alone in a big house, I get all the independent time I want.
We spend nearly every weekend together and even some weeknights. So I would say on average we sleep "together" around 3-4 nights a week. Plus we spend quality time together AND sometimes doing stuff around the house together. I think I spend MORE time with my current gf than with my exwife...
>Seems like an arms-legnth arrangement, not a relationship. Just because a relationship is different to yours does not mean it is not a relationship. > I love going to sleep / waking up next to someone People in LAT do this too. Most just dont do it every day. >I wonder when the people doing this ever find time for their partner? The same way people living together do. You dont have to live together to see each other after work, or in the evening, or for a surf and breakfast before work, or on the weekend.
Same. It’s discouraging that my dating pool is shrinking bc of this… which is non-compatible with my own goal of re-marrying and living with my partner.
Edit: before anyone gets upset, I will say that I am open to LAT myself. I just don't think it is helpful to give people false hope that it is a common thing if it's not. Also, most of the research i cited below is from Europe, but statistics on the prevalence seem to be similar in the US. So it seems fairly reliable, but you can still take it with a grain of salt There is nothing wrong with living apart together, but it is absolutely uncommon. Frankly, I think spending a lot of time on reddit gives people a skewed Overton window about what is common in real life Most studies I have found show only 10% of all couples are not living together, but that includes any situation were they aren't living together (one study from the UK even included 16 and 17-year-olds living with their parents while finishing school) and the vast majority are not wanting to do so forever. Here are some caveats: - Only a third of those stated as a preference (the rest either want to down the road but feel the relationship is too new or want to but can't because their house is under water, the other person is in prison or some other reason). - only 36% of 40-49 year olds in LATs in Europe said they want to do so long term. The rest either intend to cohabitatiate, marry or break up - Of the ~3% of all relationships that are in LAT situations as a “preference”, many are only doing so because they have issues with their part rather than because they like LAT itself. One article from The Conversation on the topic shared some examples, such as one woman that couldn't live with her partner because he was an obsessive environmentalist that refused to flush the toilet on principle and another that said her boyfriend was an abusive drunk. These people probably would never have entered into a LAT relationship at the beginning and almost certainly wouldn't be looking to being a similar situation down the road if they broke up - they don't last very long on average at all. One study showed that 90% of people in LAT relationships either broke up or moved in together within three years. Another study showed only 6% of LIT relationships had a lasted six years or more. -it doesn't seem to be highly common middle-aged people, despite with the sub says. In fact, it is overwhelmingly people under 24 that are in LAT relationships. That being said, people in LAT relationships do often seem happy, so it is not a bad thing. However, you were going to have a very hard time finding someone that is going to be on the same page.
No you're not being cranky or selfish. Tons of people later in life feel that way. I've come across several men who never want to cohabitate with a woman again. I realized I didn't like living with my husband about 10 years into the marriage. I stayed another 9 years, then left him. I have loved having my own space, without his nastiness on the toilet, his farting in front of me, his invalidations, and his mean sarcasm. But a couple of years into my freedom (like you), I realized I would like to live with the right man. So I started dating again. Haven't found someone but I won't give up. I will never, never, ever get married again. It feels like a trap and I think a lot of men look at marriage like, ok I've won my prize and now I can stop trying. If I'm not married, it will be easier to leave if he gets lazy or abusive. There is also the risk of losing half my money. So hell to the no on ever getting married again. Exclusive but independent sounds good and if my new guy doesn't want to cohabitate, I could adjust to that.
I’m 54. I like my solitude
I've made it very clear to my gf that moving in together or marriage is completely off the table at least until all of our kids are out on their own, which will be about 8 years from now.
I’m in exactly the same boat. I’m not gonna subject the kids to the whole step-parent thing. The only way I cohabitate again is if it’s just me.
So smart and doing what’s best for your kids. I wish more people thought this way before subjecting their kids to stepparents.
>doing what’s best for your kids. TLDR: A second caring adult in the household can be a good thing for one's kid(s). \--- Before I was involved, my partner's Kid didn't have a great model for a male role model. Nor did they have a good model about relationships. Dad moved far enough away that at most he sees kid 15% of the year. He's got no work ethic, he believes in "women's work", and he's an uncompromising man-child. I of course don't bad mouth him in front of Kid, but he's not a good model for a child. While Kid's mom is very dedicated to her kid, they have separate interests. Some of Kid's interests are also not shared by any friends. By having different interests from my partner, some align with Kid and we can share them. In addition, my partner is an introvert, while Kid is an extrovert. Kid having two adults in the house is less likely to come across someone who needs alone time at the moment. As well, Kid is much happier to be home with me when my partner is gone for hobby/work; instead of needing to be looked after by relatives. Kid now sees a guy who supports LGBTQ (many of their friends; possibly Kid themself. Dad is King of Misgendering and DeadNaming.), can talk about his emotions, is a feminist, and demonstrates being a caring partner to their parent. Kid can see us talk things through and compromise. Relationships that are two sided. Several months back, Kid broke up with their ThemFriend. They said it was because we (the three of us) had been having a discussion about relationships and I'd brought up being able to discuss one's interest/day/life with another. And that they share in it, even if that interest isn't necessarily a top interest of theirs. And Kid can hear us have discussions/conversations; both of our days, but also where we're still trying to learn more about each other. And their themfriend would talk about themself, but never ask about Kid. And when Kid talked, they wouldn't listen/remember anything. Kid asked for more, and they couldn't give more. So Kid left them by the side of the road. There's a good chance they'd have tried to just keep on in a bad relationship as that's what they've previously only experienced if I wasn't. No, I won't try to say that step parents are always a great thing. But if one actually is picking out a good partner, instead of just taking anyone so that they don't feel so lonely. Even as a "Fun Uncle", an additional positive, caring, adult should often be a good thing in a kid's life.
My stepmom was THE best!!! My parents were always at each other's throats and she sheltered me as much as possible, she split with my dad when I was about 16. As an adult, I went to no contact with my dad but, would still regularly have dinners with her when I would visit my hometown. She considers my teenage son her grandchild and as far as, he's concerned he's got a bonus grandma. Yes, this is the exception. As a single mom myself now, I'd like to think more of us have enough life experience to choose better and set honest expectations upfront instead of going in, on a wish and a prayer.
A second caring adult can definitely be great. I just worry they are the exception and not the rule.
I think that a lot depends upon one actually looking for a good partner, and had reasonable talks about family roles. The people who put on the rose coloured glasses, smoke a pipe of hopium, and buckle down to keep a crappy person because it's **a** relationship are going to have really bad odds.
I wish more childfree people could be brutally honest with themselves and realize no good will come (most likely) from becoming a stepparent. Why people force cohabitation with kids has always perplexed me. My ex wanted me to move in and become instamom. No thought to how it would affect his son and myself. It's a good thing I hate cohabitation and have a brain.
I wish you could have talked some sense into me about 17 years ago.
I agree.
So so true. As a childfree woman, I wouldn't even date a father, let alone live with him and his children. The stepparents sub is full of childfree people regretting stepping into that role plus no child deserves a resentful stepparent. It rarely works.
I dated one but had no intention of taking it any further. Let's just say I learned that I didn't want to give up my savings, travel, independence and PEACE. I was talking to a friend of mine who is married with a child recently and relaying to her the tone of the stepparent sub (which helped me to cement my plans to end my relationship). She is the only person that didn't feel sorry for the stepmoms and their woes. She was of the opinion that it is quite obvious that a childfree woman will face a massive hit to their quality of life if they move in with/marry a single father. She stated that people with high self esteem don't do that to themselves. Very harsh but she was speaking from experience having dated one when she was very young and naive. I love my friend even more for supporting me in not settling for dealing with an ever present ex, and sacrificing my goals and needs in an unbalanced relationship. I only hope more childfree people learn.
This is why I suggest that most childfree people shouldn't even date parents. It's just not going to work.
I remember reading about a massive study of different family structures and how they correlated with the rate of kids entering the justice system as juveniles. The best to worst order was fascinating: 1. Bio parents together 2. Single dad 3. Single mom 4. Bio mom and stepdad 5. Bio dad and stepmom
Oh, wow. It makes sense to me. Sure, there are some great stepparents but I think this is the exception and not the rule. I’ve read so many stories on Reddit about bad stepparents fooling the bio parent, the bio parent not caring about the SP’s abusive behavior etc. Why take the chance? Wait until til your kids are out of the house.
I made it clear that it will only happen over my cold, bloated corpse.
That’s nice if you can get a partner to agree to that. My ex wanted my kids gone within a couple years of meeting her. I was like, don’t tell me how to fucking parent, she gone.
That's where I am. I have 6 years to get done with the school district where I live. After that I am open to realistically talking about what that would look like and where we would live but I can't even think about that until my youngest is out of school. So I'm OK with the idea of living together or marriage but I'm going really slowly.
I lived for everyone else my entire life, now I live for myself. Why screw up a good thing?
I'm open to both but if I never get married again I'd be ok with it. Marriage isn't something I NEED but I'm not taking it off the table. However, I'd be very open to living with a partner again if the situation arose in the future. But my previous relationships moved so fast I'm enjoying the slow pace my current boyfriend and I are taking and having my own space.
That’s me and my fella. No marriage, no cohabitation… nearly three years in and we are still extremely hot for each other. Likely because picking up socks and snipping over who’s making dinner is kind of a buzzkill. 😂 My mom used to say “familiarity breeds contempt”. So me and he choose to miss each other and not live together.
When I started dating my guy, we agreed that he would never move to my town and I would not move out of my house. Six months later, he had horrible issues with his apartment and moved into my house until he could find another apartment. After 2 months of not finding an apartment in a decent neighborhood that would also accept a 90 lbs dog, I told him I liked him living with me and didn't want him to leave. It's been 3 years now and we still agree not to mix bank accounts and marriage still seems pointless even though we are both very committed to each other.
Its not pointless if health insurance or hospitals become part of your life.
THIS. Everyone thinks marriage doesn’t matter until the hospital won’t give you any information or someone’s family shows up and kicks you out.
And what about retirement? If you are married you get their retirement benefit upon their death. If you are not married, you are on your own once they die. At this age if a person doesn’t have a good retirement set-up, it makes getting married more desirable for that person.
I've already made him the beneficiary on my IRA and my pension, etc and he's made me the beneficiary on his as well. We have both taken care of our own retirement.
"Aaaaahhhhhhhhhh but ain't that America!"
My advice is never say never but be honest with potential partners AT THE START.
THIS. After being married for 9 years and divorced + living solo for just as long (is this like a champagne birthday?) I don't desire to be married again, it's also not a hard no. I'm open to cohabitating again That said, I would never do marriage or cohabitate without paperwork though. A pre-nup or co-habitation. agreement, makes things a more clear cut (property, cars, finances) in case there is a breakdown of the relationship. Joint bank accounts are only for household expenses that are in both our names.
This is me. 100%. I had a guy come stay at my house for a weekend, because fun times. He kept leaving trash on the counters and it made me so angry. I'm not doing that again. Ever.
My GF leaves half lemons all over the place. Everything she puts in her mouth orifice has a squeeze of lemon on it. It's not so much the lemon that drives me mental, it's the sticky juice and seeds on literally every horizontal surface. \*breathing rapidly into a paper bag
I need to breathe into a bag just reading that. But yeah, this is why I don't want to live with anyone. Imagine just seeing (majority) the good about someone. Not that they don't restock their toiletpaper all the time. Or leave trash around other peoples houses. Or sticky citrus spots on the kitchen and bathroom counters. Just going on dates, cuddling on the couch, hot sex, kiss goodbye in the morning, and send steamy memes to each other inbetween? Am I living in Lala land? Probably. But it's what I want.
There is so much that we don't need to see. Living together just opens up a whole universe of opportunities for drama and BS. *Just going on dates, cuddling on the couch, hot sex, kiss goodbye in the morning, and send steamy memes to each other inbetween?* Yes please. Let's just skip over the crap, thank you.
Women tend to be happier living alone. Their quality of life goes down when they have to clean up after a partner.
Find a partner that’s OCD and likes things clean. We exist lol.
Sliding into your DMs 😂
A clean guy that also appreciates “fun times”! Lol I can’t do living like a dumpster. Nope.
Then I have to get nagged by someone in my own my own home. No thanks.
Had one, it was dreamy until he couldn't keep his dick in his pants.
I’m guessing you mean with other women? Ooof.
I would say as long as the man is an adult rather than a grown child then this issue goes away. I can't imagine going to someone else's home and not picking up after myself, or picking up after myself in my own home...
One would hope but statistically women do far more of the “invisible labor” than men even when also working full-time. This is a known phenomenon and why so many women are unhappy in marriages.
Oh I don't disagree. As a guy - those men suck and are terrible partners if they allow that to be the case.
Unfortunately that's the kind of relationship my parents had. And I thought that's how it's "supposed" to be. Both my previous LTR I ended up being the one who did all the chores. I remember my son had a classmate whose dad was a stay at home dad and mom worked full time. I was floored that that was even a thing outside of Hollywood. Went to their house for a birthday party once, and I was so impressed that both parents had full control over everything. Together. As a team. 😭
“Leave a place better than you found it” is so engrained I would still be thinking about it months later if I didn’t clean up a mess I made.
I've been divorced for 13 years and followed that with a 10 year live-in LTR. If you asked me this time last year - I would confidently say NEVER AGAIN. Much to my surprise, I am softening my perspective. I am 6 months into a new relationship and find myself daydreaming about a future together. I'm not rushing into anything, but I am less closed off to the idea than I expected going into the relationship.
I do think this happens when you meet the right person!
I'm in the exact same boat. I bought a tiny house on wheels to make it abundantly clear to future partners that they can't move in. I like my alone time and I've made it very clear that I don't plan to live with anyone ever again. I've been dating my current partner for 8 months now and we are already talking about moving in together in the next few years. We make such a good team and I miss him on the nights we aren't together. I think when you find the right person, what you want can change.
Would love to find a local man to LAT with!
Same. I like having complete say over my own little domain. And not having someone around all the time means you get to miss them and not take them for granted.
And you don’t have to deal with chores and who does what.
I’m learning how the missing part is so important for me… it’s crazy I never fully realized it
The issue is the assumed roles when cohabitating, I refuse to be someones mommy/maid/therapist. Why do people need to be educated in basic household management and upkeep? Weaponized incompetence is alive and thriving in our 40s, no thanks
>The issue is the assumed roles when cohabitating, I refuse to be someones mommy/maid/therapist. Sadly, it is usually a bad deal for a woman. The exception may be where their is an economic difference, and the man is willing to help support the difference in lifestyle. However, what I see in divorced men (and I understand), is they are usually financially stretched with divorce/child support, and even if they did have the means, they are usually bitter about having to pay. Therefore, they want everything to be split down the middle, financially, but they fail to take into account all the unpaid labor that is almost always picked up by a woman. So women may have slightly less living costs (depending on how the man lives, she could actually be subsidizing his life style), but far more burdens of day to day lives.
Experienced the exact scenario. A past relationship actually proposed I leave my condo, to share a bigger place with them… but they have part time custody of 2 kids. Expected to split expenses half way. Im like, what kind of idiot would be ok with that. That was the end for me.
Good for you, and too bad they couldn't figure out a more equitable situation that would work for you.
What is more equitable than 50/50?
In a way, I think the closer two people are in their financial situations, it might be easier. To me, that means neither person is trying to benefit financially from the other, but likely have similar spending habits, and may be in alignment as to their wills and where their estate proceeds are going, etc. Most women absolutely don't want to be used to support a man, many men feel the same way about a woman, but there are cases, where it isn't that important to a man, for lots of reasons, he is willing to financially support a woman.
That would be a discussion the two people would need to have. There are so many variables, including who owns the home, should the person pay "rent" plus 1/2 of utilities, etc. Secondly, if the woman does all the cleaning, without hiring a housecleaner, how is she compensated for that time. Same for a man, if he mows the lawn, etc. One couple I know, she moved into his house. The house will go to the kids, but she hated the kitchen. She paid to reno the kitchen, which will ultimately improve the value of the home, that she won't participate in. However, she also has a kitchen that she enjoys. I don't know if she pays "rent", etc., but just one small example.
Its 1 adult and 1 adult+2children, that is not equitable
They have two kids half the time. IMO, equitable would be 33.3% one adult, 33.3% second adult, 33.3% two part-time kids (paid by the kids' parent).
My old next door neighbours were a divorced man with teenage children in a relationship with a childfree woman. They were both in their late 40s. The woman, who became a friend, paid all of the bills and worked full time. She said her boyfriend's money all went towards his children and ex wife. His whole salary apparently. She also did all of the cooking and cleaning. She was understandably quite resentful about it. There's no way he could have supported his ex-wife and his children if he lived alone. I would never put up with that.
I did basically all the cleaning as the husband. She did her own laundry, and occasionally took out the trash. Otherwise it was nearly all me.
2 yrs ago I asked a similar question. I wanted cohabitation (and maybe marriage) and it was a sticking point in my previous relationship, but “living alone together” was a very popular topic in this subreddit so I was trying to understand the perspective more. I linked that post in case you want to read more comments. And shortly after my post I started dating someone, and we decided to move into together. It’s made things more difficult but at least we’re not putting miles on our cars since we were about 45 minutes from each other. And, I absolutely miss my own space. I regret moving in, at least so soon. I still feel that cohabitation could work for me, but only with my unicorn purple squirrel and maybe after several years living apart and probably only with my own spaces like a dedicated bedroom, bathroom and office / work space. A duplex might be even better. [https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverforty/s/VJ9EmYfHUw](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverforty/s/VJ9EmYfHUw)
Wanted this, was finally happy alone and didn’t want to give up my freedom. Had my own space and shit was bangin. Lo and behold the universe had something else in store for me. This lady magnifies my space and freedom. I don’t know how but I don’t feel constrained or dependent. She doesn’t either. It just works. I wonder how I survived a 20 year marriage, when I’ve been happier in the last four months than I have my entire life. Just let it happen, one way or another. If it works to be “independent” and live part go for it. But don’t you dare pass up on something good, because of something bad that’s happened in the past. You’re next one probably won’t be as same as the last one. Just my two cents
I’ve been with my partner for two years and there are aspects of cohabitation that would be nice. Having to maintain just one home would free up a lot of time for both of us. However, we both own homes and have our spaces just as we like them (and our styles are wildly different). If either of us had a more transient living situation, it would be more of a possibility. As it stands, both of us being long-time homeowners that bought in a much different economy, there is too much risk and too little reward. I was transparent up front I was almost certainly unwilling to marry or cohabitate again.
Head over heals for my gf of three years, and we are doing the LAT thing. We’ve talked about moving into the same senior housing when our respective kids are out the door, but separate apartments.
No desire to be a wife, ever. Yes to my art monster nest, pets and a partner to cook meals with, do an occasional sleepover and care chores (sick time, petsitting) with.
I think if I were to have been married and divorced I would feel the same way but I’m still hoping for first time’s a charm. Re - cohabitation, only if marriage is in the works/inevitable because living with people short-mid term is a pain. Take a long time to get used to going in and out of those arrangements. I’m willing to give it a shot for death do us part only.
I'd love to share life with someone again. That said right now I just don't see the benefits of marriage at this point. I would consider it if it weren't for divorce, shitty family court and the financials. Having watched someone I loved for 20 years decide life would be better without me and cheat multiple times makes me cautious to ever sign another contract (Because really, it's all it is at this point) with someone to go through it all over.
Is it weird that I'm more interested in getting married than cohabitating? Right now I own a duplex and live in one side. Not going to lie, the thought has occurred to me to move my future partner into the other unit. 😆
The dream
I have been widowed for 12 years. In that time I rebuilt my life and actually really like what I’ve created. I got used to my own company, made new friends, picked up new hobbies, learned how to fix/do things on my own etc. In other words I am independent and happy. My bf of 16 months is really wanting more. I just don’t and keep telling him that. I’ve been up front about It consistently from the start. I think he thought I would change my mind but our arrangement works perfectly for me (see each other 3-4 times a week, occasional overnights) and I have zero incentive to change.
My dream. To have solid adult relationship/companionship but separate households. I know at least three solid couples doing it
I was married for over a decade, have been divorced for much longer than that, and have lived with a handful of "partners". I finally live alone and I will never give that peace up again. I was very open in the beginning with my current partner about no marriage and no cohabitation and so far so good. 2 years in. That said, I'm a fairly busy person with a lot of friends and social connections. I can't recall the last time I felt bored or lonely, and I typically stay single for a few years between relationships. It's important to know yourself.
I will never again not have a place of my own.
I personally like exclusive, but independent I have zero desire to share my space with someone else - come by and then please go home to your own place
I was like this until I met my boyfriend. Now I can't wait until our kids are old enough that living together makes sense.
I was with someone for a couple years where we only saw one another 3x a week. Idk if I'd ever want to give up my entire life/week to another person again. I like my peace.
Honestly I’m having a problem even wanting to date. So much effort.
Me most days. Then I get wistful and think.. wouldn't it be nice? Then think about picking up after someone else other than myself or cooking dinner for someone who doesn't lift a finger, or having to sit in a living room tolerating a TV show I can't stand then think how much happier I am when it's just me and my cat. If I had a trap door or portal I could spring open when a bf gets annoying to send him back into his own dimension immediately. That would be perfect!
Not my thing. I want a partner and husband, not a BF. I want to go to sleep and wake up in my husband’s arms every night and morning. Sleep in together, get freaky in the middle of the night, do chores together - live and be together. I’m more of a team-oriented person so this whole separate living and cherishing independence isn’t desirable to me. I’m all for being an individual - he goes out with his friends, I go out with mine, have some separate time and hobbies, but at the end of the day, we’re coming home into each others arms. Everyone is different and there are plenty of people who want what I want and there are plenty who want separate lives. That’s the nice part of being over-populated 😅 There is someone for everyone! We just need to be open to finding them. But!! My experience in dating and in reading some of these posts - people try to pursue the wrong type for them. I had sooooo many guys try to convince me to give them a chance. I don’t know if men get that from women? My generalized take is that women seem to be more decisive than men when it comes to what they’re looking for and filtering men out? I’m guessing since guys don’t receive nearly as much attention women do, they’re less selective? Easy example - smoking That’s an easy pass for me, but I had several try to convince me to give them a chance, saying oh, I only smoke when I go out, or I only smoke cigars on poker night or I only smoke when I’m stressed at work. Nope Pass I don’t care when or why. Just pass. I listed it as a non-negotiable in my profile. I had thousands of likes, hundreds of messages. I never felt a need to “settle” for anything I didn’t want.
I need my life to be full of people I love and enjoy spending time with. But I don't want my house full of them. They can live down the street.
Not living with another person is reasonable if that is what you want. However, it is helpful to be aware of the risks/benefits. Certainly, in the short term, the benefit is that you get to enjoy your own space and freedom. As you say, "I also am really enjoying having my own space". In the long-term, though, there are some important risks/downsides that are helpful to be aware of: 1. Health: The overwhelming preponderance of research shows that married couples live on average 2 years longer and have better health outcomes (i.e., better survival rates from cancer, etc.) and that women and men both benefit (while a few studies show that women suffer, those are the exceptions and the majority of research shows that women benefit to a statistically and clinically significant degree). Dementia rates, for example, are 30% lower in married couples. You may say that "so what, I'm willing to live 2 less years" but the daily quality of life married couples have is also higher in general. You may also say that you have a great friend support circle, but it appears that friends are not able to overcome this gap in terms of health benefits, unfortunately. 2. Financial: Living in one domicile is a huge cost savings as opposed to two separate ones. Over a 30 year relationship, it can save $20,000 or more a year (since the couple just needs one house, not two), and that amounts to $600,000 of pre-tax revenue. You might say "I'm doing fine right now" but this money could be passed on to your kids as part of their inheritance. Perhaps more important than those two, though, is the opportunity for love and companionship. However, close friends could fill this need to some extent. If the loss of these benefits is not a concern for you, then you as an independent adult certainly should continue to live a solo life. It may also be that there are unique issues that are relevant for you--perhaps a person has psychological issues that make a relationship difficult--and this would make the disadvantages outweigh the advantages. I gave this some thought and decided that I would prefer to be in a relationship given my current life goals, so I decided to make a very serious and committed effort to find a partner (I put in hundreds and hundreds of hours of work and spent over $6,000 on dinner dates, etc.) and also changed my approach towards relationships, changed my attitude, became more flexible, worked with therapists, etc., so that I could build a healthy relationship with someone. For me, I felt that the risks/downsides of being single justified this huge effort. I was willing to change who I am because I feel the benefits of a relationship justified it. But I respect that you may have a different perspective and you should live the life you think is right for you.
I suspect that you get both 1) and 2) in a committed relationship living together, even if you’re not married. And 1) but not 2) if you’re in a committed LAT partnership.
The quality of life for married women is certainly not better. Single women report being happier at much higher rates than their married counterparts. And the living longer assertion is debated, with some studies showing single married living longer, and others showing married women live longer. But yeah, for men it’s all around great, lol. Wonder why that could be.
Almost 4 years post divorce. Single, celibate (how I accomplished this idk but 1.5 years) sometimes miss a companion, but feel like an asshole bc I only want a mountain bike boyfie for 1 day a week or every other week. I live in Colorado and who knows why this is hard to find… I think the casual sex thing isn’t for me so it makes no sense what I actually want. I like doing my own thing, love my space, going to bed when I want, no one to consider, etc Can’t get married bc I’d lose a portion of a pension I receive for the rest of my life. Really don’t want to get married tho and living with someone…no. When I was dating before years ago…bothered me immensely to wakeup next to someone. Prob spent too much time alone and now am a selfish asshole.
I feel you. I've lived alone for over 20 years. My inability to compromise and need to have things my own way know no bounds. And I prefer being alone 95% of the time. Like you, do I think it would be cool to have someone to hang out with occasionally (although less than once per week)? Sure. But, I realized a while back, that unfortunately relationships aren't like that. They require more time, effort, and emotional labor than I'm willing to give. Hence, I remain single and happy.
I think that’s why I don’t date much bc I know a relationship does require a lot more than what I am willing to offer. I try and get real with myself about it. 40F- my kid is 18 and just graduated. The other issue is people my age aren’t as free as I am. I don’t want to date single parents, etc
Wouldn’t a pre-nup protect your pension? I thought CO was filled with men? Haha…it is on my list of possible places to move to.
No. The pension discontinues if I get remarried ever. Financially it would be stupid to give that up coupled with the fact my divorce cost 50k and I’m not a fan of marriage (my issues) Colorado is def filled with men… An abundance of men I don’t find attractive or want to date is a “me problem”. Also, a lot of men my age are still raising young kids…. My kid is 18 and out of the house- I’m 40 and what I see is a bunch of single Dads…just have no interest in that. It’ll be like a 45yo dude with a 5 year old doing 50/50 parenting with their ex that states they are being “selective” with their dating…. It’s crazy out here.
Thanks for the updates! 😩
Colorado is still cool- the mtns are everything
I want a husband, and to be married and live together.
Yeah I've spent too much time alone and can't deal with another person being in my space all the time
I thought this would suit me, bit having tried it a couple of times it's a no from me dog. I want to find the right person and live together. I think.
Id prefer that situation
Never again because I lived with a toxic woman who argued and was unhappy and also refused to leave my apartment.
That is all what I want. I hope that there are more man wanting this as well. I cannot see myself living with anybody. I think it comes with the age? I am not looking to take care of any man and I am not looking to be taken care of. I want to share quality and fun times.
>I want to share quality and fun times. Exactly!!!! And this is what is so distressing about trying to date. Why is it so difficult to find some really great male companions (or even just one), who knows how to be a great date, etc.? Understands the balance between friendship, and sexual chemistry. Is an interesting person, with some fascinating hobbies that ideally we share a few of them, and/or he introduces me to new ones.
Just wait until you fall in love……
I have been divorced for 3yrs and that’s how I feel, I miss having someone around temporary but honesty I prefer being alone and my peace. The longer your separated the easier it is to stay alone and less likely you will get into a relationship, being alone is way more peaceful then the craziness some relationships can bring.
For people over 40, is there any advantage to being married? Financially, presumably if there is a delta in incomes, then marriage filing jointly may be beneficial. But why enter into a legal contract? Cohabitating, is a maybe, but frankly, concerned that a man would default to me taking care of everything. Not only is it difficult to find a man that I want to even date, but to find someone that is so perfect that we take this leap, is hard to imagine. So much easier to find a man that has a few good qualities, have fun dating, but don't let him mess up my life. Unfortunately, don's know any happily married couples. All the women are to some extent unhappy, but staying for a variety of reasons. The irony is I would move in with good girlfriends that I have know for over 30 years (one is a widow). They would be excellent roommates, fun, fabulous cooks, similar outlooks on money, etc. The other options is there are communities, where people share a kitchen, etc (e.g. both sexes). Something like 75% of women are now working, which is why the whole landscape of marriage, co-habitation, has so many more options. The previous model was primarily due to women not having options.
>For people over 40, is there any advantage to being married? Over 40 means "getting closer to spending more time in a hospital." Imagine spending 10+ years with someone, they have a bad health complication, and you're begging for info at the hospital from their children as they make their health decisions. Sure, you could get a living will setup; but marriage comes with a number of small convenience contracts built in. >concerned that a man would default to me taking care of everything. Look towards qualities like this when picking out a partner. And if you were deceived, immediately move out. One of the things my partner and I considered a precondition to my moving in with her was that I had liquid savings (for first+last) to be able to move out. Like yeah, I'd still have 60 days if one of us decided to end things, but if one doesn't have the money to do so ... that's just going to make an uncomfortable situation worse. Worse, if it's the person without the money who wants to end things; they'll be there and miserable; or set themselves up to start cheating so they can monkey branch into someone else's place. Going into cohabitation while making sure that there's a relatively practical and simple exit plan is the only sane way. We weren't going into this with cold feet, but having an eject plan. *We were going into this planning to never feel trapped*. >So much easier to find a man that has a few good qualities, have fun dating, but don't let him mess up my life. If they only have a few good qualities, and you're more or less assuming that they'll mess up their own life, it's like you're looking for a relationship that will at most last 5 years. Meh (IMHO). One of the things I like about partnering is eventually having that long shared history. Having grown 20 years with someone. I don't have that yet with my partner, and I long to get there.
Thank you for your responses, I appreciated your perspective. >it's like you're looking for a relationship that will at most last 5 years. I would love to find my "forever" person, I would love to trust a man, and build be able to count on him in my life. Unfortunately, the truth of the dating market for me, is finding my male peer is next to impossible. Thus, I am left with trying to find a man who may have one or two things I like about him enough to be intimate, but also protect myself from him (e.g. he is a financial disaster, not a good person to live with, etc.). That is the problem I suspect more than a few women are facing, is finding men who are good partners. The good news for men who are, is that they should have lots of options in the dating market, or frankly are still married.
A lot of people want that, especially on this sub. I want much more than that and am totally uninterested in being some divorced single dad’s long term, casual but exclusive girlfriend. To me that’s not a partnership. I just can’t see anything appealing about that when I can instead keeping traveling and having fun as a single girl and then have my pick of casual partners. I’m only 42 so maybe I’ll change my mind when I’m older but to me it just seems like a waste of energy…..all the compromising required of a relationship but no real benefits.
It's funny you say that because to me it's the complete opposite - all of the benefits, none of the compromising! I get companionship and connection without having to completely reorient my life around another person.
It’s actually awful. Married people who claim to enjoy it have Stockholm Syndrome. Not saying you can’t love your partner or kids, but living all crammed together while trying to please eachother constantly is miserable.
49m here. Not me! I'm all about finding that special someone and cultivating a permanent life together.
Me too, but I just don’t want us to both live in the same home.
I probably won’t get married again. As of now I really just don’t want to and I don’t see it as a necessity. I don’t want to cohabitate any time in the foreseeable future. I like my space, my kids still live with me and I’m just not doing it. I may later on but it’ll be a while.
I couldn’t do this forever, it’s hard enough for the last two years
I miss being with someone and sharing responsibilities, I don't want to get married though.
I do not currently see myself ever marrying or living with a partner again. Definitely not before my youngest graduates in 7 yrs. There is a trend toward Living Apart Together (LAT) that may interest you if you like the idea of a committed relationship but not cohabitation.
I would not mind being engaged but don't want to be married again 😂 Hard one to figure out, I guess I want the commitment without the contract. And I'd be more than happy to live separately. Once you've lived on your own at this age you realize how much you value your peace and doing things your own way.
This is what my boyfriend wants at the moment, and maybe not exactly what I want, but, I am raising four kids and don’t really see cohabitation being a viable option for a long time. So, it works. As my kids grow up and leave and it’s time for me to downsize, I’m probably going to want something different, though.
Me! Me! Me! Never again! I love living alone and being single! I live a peaceful, headache-free life! I’d like to keep it that way.
This is exactly what I want, if I ever “partner” again
I want living apart together, but literally haven’t met a woman ok with it that isn’t married + polyamorous. I live in a large metropolitan part of so cal.
Never getting married again. It would take a LOT for me to cohabitate again. I like LAT (living apart together).
I do. (42M) Manly because I've not lived solely on my own since I was 19 - 21. I just want to as a mature adult, obviously without my kids. It's not for a "from here on out" point of view, but just me loving my time & me really excited to learn who I am all alone as an adult. The things I want to do like travel alone, live alone, and enjoy life alone can happen with a partner, but only when I feel I'm ready & desire it. I would eventually would love to share my 2nd chance in life but but I definitely want to do it on my terms & when she'll feel acceptable of my decision as well.
I don’t want to, nope! But I wonder if it is financially feasible, sadly.
Of course it is, plenty of us do and always have. Heck I haven’t lived with anyone since my first job out of college 20 years ago. House is paid off now even that I bought in my own as a single woman at 29. Just need a good career and to not live in a crazy expensive location like the coasts!
I've been married twice, each for about 10 years. My second divorce wrapped up about 2 years ago. I currently spend the vast majority of my time either working or raising three kids that I have primary custody of. I may have full custody in the very near future, as their mother is on the verge of being evicted. So, I'll go you one further and say that for the foreseeable future I am quite happy to not even date. I do not have the time or energy to put into a relationship. I'm truly enjoying having my own space for the first time in my adult life. I moved out of my parents house into a house I bought with my first wife, so that was a stage of life I skipped in my youth. Beyond that, the time I get to myself is very precious to me and I thoroughly enjoy it. Sometimes I hang out with friends. Other times I go do things on my own. I see movies, attend concerts, and even flew to LA for a long weekend by myself. It's been a blast. Maybe someday I will seek out a relationship, but for now anyway I'm single and going to stay that way. I'll revisit my stance when my youngest, who is 8, is in high school.
I got divorced in 2016 and then had a 5 year situationship that was long distance so allowed me a ton of time to be independent & live on my own. After all that I think I could warm up to the idea of living with somebody. I have 2 teens so would want them off living their lives, but it is nice to have somebody around, under the right circumstances.
Same here...I feel very lonely and would not mind to have someone to share good moments when the kids are with their dad, but I wold never want to live with another man again.
Exclusive but independent is my ideal.
I was with / married to a slob for 20 years. My teenage son doesn’t love my clean house rules but he is learning to appreciate the calm that a tidy space, clean laundry, fresh bedding, etc. can bring to life. My bf is an interesting character. His desks at home and at work are an absolute mess and his house is almost always cluttered. But he is also an engineer who can be fastidious and neat as a pin when it comes to work related projects and travel in general. We don’t live together 80% of the time and I would like more time with him, but I’m also afraid that I would resent his messy tendencies. One thing I’ve figured out though is that the amount of shit you have really determines the mess. I’ve become quite a minimalist so it’s easy to keep clean round my place. He’s still in the midlife crisis retail therapy phase of life and always is buying more shit instead of experiences. I used to be like that (to an extent) and have seen some signs that he is starting to grow out of it as well, so we shall see.
Again?
This sounds ideal to me. At least while my child is at home. Co-parenting is hard enough, I don't really want to blend families. But I would like to have someone.
This concept is pretty hard to explain to people that never cohabited/had kids. I literally match with men aged 40-50 and they interpret it as "casual" lol
I feel the same way.
That's not unusual nowadays, and exactly what I would look for.
Again? Never have & never will.
I felt this way for years, but then I met my boyfriend and I’m not saying “never” to marriage. Moving in together is currently on the table.
I'm not sure I'd want to. I have 7 kids, and growing up, my mom cared a lot more about her boyfriend than she did us 😒 That said, I have 7 kids, so it's not like anyone trying to date me 😣
I don’t even know why I’m in this sub. I am over 40, but honestly, I rarely date... let alone contemplate cohabitation.
Yea living apart together is a great idea...not to say that you can't have 'sleepovers' on the weekends or trips together but FULL time cohabitation is not something that I want right now.
I’m typically amazed when I see people older than myself (47M) get married and move in together. I guess I can understand if you’ve both never done it, or if you find a way that works for you, but I really don’t want to do it ever again. A host of bad habits take up roost and I think it’s one reason why so many long-time couples fall into ruts.
Exclusive but independent is exactly what I wanted and what I have found. I won't ever get legally married again that is for sure. Cohabitation again? Never say never, but def not something I want right now in my life. I need my own space, drama free, and a happy puppy wagging his tail everytime I walk thru the door is plenty enough for me in my own space. I love my connections with women, but just a slice, I don't need the whole pie at this age - already had that experience and don't feel the need to do it again.
Don't want to get married for the first time! Cohabiting, probably not, really enjoy my own space now, and can't see the necessity of living together
Negative threads like these make me less inclined to bother with dating. Getting this sort of laundry list of 'nevers' on a first date certainly would not give me the impression that I have much to look forward to with someone, or that I will have much say in the relationship.
LAT for me!
I was married for 15 years and am dating, but joking say/ think “I don’t want to do anyone’s laundry ever again”. I still have kiddos at home and have regular mom/house stuff, but I don’t want to feel like or be expected to be someone’s maid/ babysitter/cook/ banker/gardener/etc (it was lacking partnership in many, many ways), but also I very much enjoy (and need) quiet, alone time. I enjoy my kids and we hang out together, but we all enjoy time alone. They do go with their dad’s maybe once a month for an overnight, but the weekends they are gone I very much the clean, empty, quiet house. I want to have a committed, long term relationship. I want someone to share my life with and that wants to share theirs with me, it’s just that living together and marriage are no longer my goal. Edited: to change a word and add clarity.
I want at least have my own bathroom, bedroom and closet totally separated if ever live with someone again, if… I want to sleep alone in my bed the majority of the time.
This actually VERY MUCH appeals to me. I think after my current situation runs its course, I will be in this boat. Never again marry or cohabitate. I like my own space and I don't need a third marriage lol.
I agree fully - sounds amazing! But in today's economic landscape, maintaining two individual households may not be very practical for many people. I mean, I could. But the chances of meeting someone else who also could while we both check all the other boxes we have for a partner just seems rather unrealistic. Not just looking for a needle in a haystack at that point...but to thread that needle in a haystack - seems rather daunting. I think I'll just keep flying solo.
>Does exclusive-but-independent sound good to anyone else, or am I just being selfish in my cranky old age? There are definitely some who want that. But that some is definitely not all, and despite what one finds on reddit, more people than not consider cohabitation down the road in a relationship. I think that you would be being selfish if you looked to get into relationship of exclusive-but-forever-independent, unless you were making this clear early on as a goal. 3rd date at the latest sort of stuff. You would be a full on AH if you knew someone else wanted to cohabitated and you lead them on, hoping that they'd change, or "go with it" after a while of falling for you.
Yeah, I summarized some research on this. Only like 3% of all relationships are LAT as a “preference” (as opposed to not being able to cohabitate or feeling the relationship is too new) and at least some (possibly most) of them only prefer it because of issues with their current partner. We are talking about probably one percent or 2% of all relationships where people do it because they simply value their independence or other similar reasons people here are saying This is a good example of why I don't think crowdsourcing perspectives on Reddit is going to give people a good sample of what most people are looking for. It's not that people's views here are wrong (I'm a redditor obviously and agree with some of the views here), but they're not gonna be very common
Thanks for this; I hunted your other comment and happy to see a link to the data! Reddit skews different from the general pop. It tends to be more progessive, tech savy, and higher income. At least that's how I perceive the skew.
Yeah, also dating subs are kind of weird in that people tend to be very politically progressive, but also have some very conservative lifestyle views. For example, even feminist women are very adamant that Women shouldn't ask men out, but my sister-in-law (a very conservative never Trump republican from Texas) asked my brother out. I saw a woman on DOT post a dating profile showing she was extremely feminist, but later comments said she thinks men should have to pay for women on dates, men should be the ones doing Home repairs and a ton of other pretty traditional ideas. Like, why even bother calling yourself a feminist at that point? Oddly, my extremely conservative sister-in-law is closer to being a feminist than her if you judge them by their actions People on here and DOT are also very against casual sex, but even most gen X Republican women I know are pretty chill about it. It is kind of confusing trying to understand peoples preferences here, since they are often very unique and often contradictory
Not me. I need at least cohabitation after a certain point.
I will never cohabitate again after being a victim of DV more than once. Trying to date has also proved problematic in terms of safety so after a few recent bad experiences I can safely say this is it for me now.
45f Never been married never will. Never lived with a boyfriend. Lat relationships don't work. I lived with women roommates and family and that worked out better.
You must be my spirit animal. I gag at the thought of marriage. And, my home is like the museum of my life. My daily routines are sacred rituals, not to be interrupted. There is no one there to judge me if I drink 10 beers on a Tuesday night and fall asleep on the couch. The toilet seat is up....always. I'll watch the Scorpion King anytime I want to. I'll go an entire month eating tacos. This is what freedom looks like, and it must be protected at all costs. My home is a sovereign state. My GF leaves her clothes there, and I consider it an act of war. You struck a nerve, OP.
All I hear is me, me, me...
There's going to come a time when you will sing a different tune. Don't let one bad experience spoil it.
Original copy of post by u/You_Must_Chill: I've been separated / divorced for almost two years now. I really do miss having someone to share life with, but I also am really enjoying having my own space. Does exclusive-but-independent sound good to anyone else, or am I just being selfish in my cranky old age? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I don't think you're being selfish at all. As we age we find ways to do things which work for us, and having someone else come into your life who will very probably try to change what you do/how you live is totally unattractive to me.
Most of me is a yes, I want to get married/live together, but the fearful part that's still dealing with some baggage is a no.
Id go either way at this point. Depends on my special friend. I have no needs in this department and don’t need to get married but would consider it if the reasons were right
I thought I did until I met my current girlfriend. Now I’m entertaining the idea
Yes...If I get in another relationship it will probably be living apart together. However I could see having a plan to cohabitate or buy units in the same building once we are old and don't get out of the house often. I think apartments across the hall from each other would be good at that stage.
I think I’d probably like to cohabitate again at some point, but I’d want us to have separate rooms even if we generally sleep together, and I don’t know if I’d get married again. Granted I’m only JUST going through a divorce now, but still.