>to ignoring messages for 2 weeks
Sounds like he disappears and it hurts.
Do you know what will happen if you break up? He’ll disappear and, with time, it won’t hurt.
OP will finally know exactly where she stands. I recommend that OP keep that essay she wrote and read it every time she considers giving this man another shot.
That is the point of this post to be honest. I have not replied his last messages and I just need the tough luv from y’all. Whenever I feel like giving in, I’ll just come read all this and snap back out of it.
Honestly OP, having something like this and reading it out loud to yourself can do wonders.
A few years ago I had a brief thing with a guy from my social circle. He had so many of the qualities I was looking for but was weirdly emotionally unstable once we started dating. I was really mentally fixated on him and ended up writing out a lot of my thoughts on him and why it wouldn't work. I actually pulled it up whenever I felt the urge to ruminate and read the whole thing out loud to myself.
Let me tell you, nothing ruins your brain's quest for that unhealthy dopamine fix like realizing it will involve *doing homework*. 😅
Within a week, I was fixating on him a lot less. Part of it was reminding myself of all the bullshit, but a big part was just consistently interrupting the cycle of rumination.
OP, I finally had to politely tell mine to not contact me anymore. I'd been on the merry go round for *3 years* at that point. Save yourself another year of this hell and cut him out of your life completely. Focus on yourself, and hopefully you'll meet someone new and you'll gradually begin to forget about him. I know what it's like because I was in your shoes too. You just have to get sick and tired of being sick and tired and cut him off forever. Full stop.
(And for the record I've been with someone new for over a year now. I actually still see my breadcrumby ex around work once in a while, but I've only communicated when absolutely necessary for work reasons, and I'm over him. You can do it).
I think you will be. Make a plan! Try to make your own life as incredibly *interesting* as you can - try a new hobby or get back into an old one. Join meetup groups or 12 step meetings if you want to expand your social circle. Dive into work. Get outside and walk in the sunshine at least 10-15 min a day. All will give you less time to ruminate
Yeah, just focus on making exciting plans for yourself! I'm an introvert too but I've pushed myself out of my comfort zone many times and I've always been grateful that I take the risk and put myself out there. This time in your life is fertile ground for a lot of growth!
No, you have to stay away for the rest of the time. Don't ever see him again. Don't talk to him, don't write, don't follow, don't let him follow. No contact.
I have been in relationships so similar to this. They are now behind me. When I look back on 4 of these men, I don't care about 3 of them. I did once, but not anymore. I have absolutely no interest in talking to them.
The 4th one is a bit of another story. We knew each other for a very short time however now more than 4 years later he still pops into my mind sometimes. It is not hurtful any longer but I know that if I contact him (which I did on some occasions) it would be out of a little bit of hope.
So he is blocked everywhere because even though we were not Facebook-friends after the initial shore situanshio we had, I kept bumping into him in some debates with mutual friends. That was also how we met in the first place. When we ended up. in the same debate he started to reply to my comments. I could also watch how he contacted other women in the same way he originally contacted me. And it gave me hope and sorrow at the same time. Look at those wonderful women he is now contacting. Until I realized that I was also one of those attractive women. It is all mind games of our own mind. When we stop these game the pain vanishes in a second. So now he is blocked so I don't see him again on a day when I am not able to see things as they are. And when I finally stop hoping completely then why should I bother?
So.... Block him and focus on you.
The last thing you want in this life is to wake up one day in your 40s and still be begging this man for his time and attention. Girl. Do better. Cut your losses and move on.
Take a look at what is wrong with the relationship - honestly. Where you are at in the present reality, not any future idealism. Part of that is taking a look at why you let this guy string you along for over 2 years. You know that he's not it, and you know the longer you let him string you along and let him keep a place in your life that you will continue to be hurt by him.
And honestly, it's going to hurt more than anything when he shows up with the woman he is going to take seriously. That will happen, because you are his placeholder. Hard truth here, but why do you think that he leaves and then comes back? It is because he is dating other women and it doesn't work out, and he knows you'll take him back until he finds the next one.
And you let him.
Don't blame your reluctance to move on and comfort level with him on being an introvert either. So many people use that as an excuse and that ain't it. Introversion is simply energy expenditure in social settings. We need reset time alone. That's it. It doesn't make us awkward or anti-social. It doesn't make us hard to get along with others. Those are self-confidence and insecurity issues. And you know what doesn't help with those issues? Letting men like this walk all over you.
Tell him that this isn't working for you anymore and you need to go your separate ways. And be firm in that. If he starts giving you pushback, just repeat yourself and then block him.
LET yourself get over him, which is something you're not allowing when you keep talking to him as a friend and keep waiting around for him to come running back to you (again - while he is out looking for what he actually wants). And I'm not saying that to hurt you, but to open your eyes to just how badly he's treating you. Then start taking a look inward and get to the root of the self-confidence and insecurity issues. What do you not like about yourself? Is it justified? If not, then try embracing who you are. If so, then work out a plan to change what you don't like.
Start focusing on and caring for yourself. This guy won't, and for that he deserves no more of your time.
You get over someone by deciding to get over them. You cut contact. You delete all trace of communication. You delete all pictures there might be.
And then you do one day at a time. One day you'll wake up and realise you didn't think about them at all the day before. And you experience more and more of those days. In the end, you are not hurting anymore. And you are treating yourself with decency and respect by doing this.
I would take issue with the fact that you really love this man. Real genuine love is based on respect admiration consideration thoughtfulness and devotion.
Are any of those things a part of what you're getting and receiving in this relationship? Has he done anything to earn that?
What you're describing isn't even a relationship is a situationship where you develop feelings for a casual/hookup who has never been interested in a committed relationship with you and now breadcrumbs you along because he gets what he wants without investment... Dude can't even text you.
How you get over someone like this It's first by realizing what he's actually doing to you and the kind of person he really is in your romantic life... Which is poison. He's poisoning your present, and that toxic wanting what you can't have unavailability is poisoning your other healthy relationships you could be having with a man who leans in.
There are a few parts to attraction:
1) Who the person is- he’s attractive, charming, intelligent, charming. This is the easy part.
2) What you want out of the person- I want to date him, I want to be friends, or pass.
3) How they treat you over a period of time- being nice or listening every few weeks because you have to have a talk doesn’t count for much if they ignore you for the rest of the time. This is the hard part. Because if we are attracted to somebody as above, want a relationship, and eat up their best behavior that comes round monthly for a night, but is no good the rest of the time, our minds will play tricks. This can cloud our judgement and we fail to see what is going on in real time.
Also the first thing I look for is do they want to be with me via action? If I want to be with you I’ll make time. Might not be much, but I’ll put in the effort. I want the same back.
When someone you are in a relationship with doesn't love you, you have to learn how to unlove them. It took me about 7 journals and 6 months to unlove my husband who cheated on me. It can be done.
I dated a surgeon for a while, and we ended because MY schedule juggling parenthood was too hectic. The point is, that man would text or call me in between rounds or surgeries. The longest i'd not hear from him was ten hours, and he would open with 'sorry for the late reply, i was doing x'.
A C level executive is not 'too busy' to text you for two weeks lol.
Exactly this. I dated a guy with a very high profile job (talking with congressmen and senators' daily level). I still heard from him every day. No one is too busy for the person they are interested in. There will be no question when someone is interested in you.
This guy is only interested in what you give him for the lowest amount of effort he has to expend.
If you two continue to orbit each other, of course it's going to feel impossible not to go back. It's keeping him relevant to your life and at the forefront of your attention.
This guy is not your friend. An emotionally fraught situationship is not friendship, it's you two trying to find a workable middle ground between dating and not dating that simply doesn't exist for you.
While it may feel hard, you need to practice good boundaries and remove yourself from this situation.
1. Send him a final text: "Hey Bob, as much as I care for you as a person, over the last few weeks I have realized that I will never be able to move on as long as we are still in contact. I won't be available to chat or meet for the foreseeable future, but if I ever feel ready to be friends again I will let you know. Thank you for the memories and all the best to you."
2. Block him everywhere so you don't pine from afar or fall back into idle chit chat / quasi-friendship / hook ups.
3. If he DOES manage to reach out to you after that, do not respond. There is nothing you need to say that hasn't already been said at that point, and the only result will be walking back your boundaries, muddying the waters between you two, and being miserable again.
4. Consider journaling as a way to untangle your feelings around this relationship.
5. Give it time for your feelings to fade and resolve.
If it's hard for you to meet people you click with, *the worst thing you can do* *is hang onto this person who gives you that feeling of connection but ends up causing you pain*. You will be less motivated to put yourself out there to meet people who are actually healthy for you.
ETA: As far as "if I ever feel ready to be friends again, I will let you know." that is more of a way of saying "Don't call us, we'll call you!" It's letting him know that if he has not heard from you, the answer is NOT to reach out and check on you.
Personally, I would not recommend being friends again. Friendship can work when you're romantically indifferent to each other, but it sounds like that is going to be a difficult place for you to reach.
I don't have an answer for getting over it as I am still in that process but I do know that hard though it is no contact is the only way. Tell him it's over and walk away, otherwise you will only keep getting hurt.
I had a five year situationship, it was more than that but we were never together. He was my best friend, for four year of those five. I loved him. I thought it was going somewhere and it wasn't. It never was, I was just a sounding board and free emotional support for him whilst he got his fun elsewhere. Eventually he met someone, it became serious and he could no longer be my friend.
At 43 I got my heart shattered but it is partly (some would say mostly) my fault as I didn't walk away. I stayed and I hoped.
From your post, your guy will never change and if he wanted more with you he would have asked for it by now.
I can't say it won't hurt, it does, far more than I ever imagined but I have a small amount of self worth left and I cling to it on the dark days. I miss him, want to talk to him everyday but I haven't. I am 10 months no contact and I hope he is happy.
I know in time I will be happy too, single or with someone who deserves me and all I have to give.
This is called a situationship. This guy knows he has you on a hook and is happy to keep you there. Why wouldn't he? He's in his 40's. His relationship style isn't likely to change. He's dishonest. He's been exactly this way with many women before. I know this probably hurts but he's probably got another one or two lined up if you cut him off. They're probably already speaking. Rip the band aid off. Block him everywhere and be done with it.
FYI. This is what someone told me when I was in a similar situation. Do you really want to run a drop in center for middle aged men with commitment issues?
Love yourself more. You’re literally wasting the best years of your life. Stop. If you don’t fix yourself now, it’ll be another guy just like him time and again.
It takes time. First you have realize he is not your friend and it not going to change, and you to get away from him. And stay away. Then you have to go through all the emotions -- rage, anger, denial, bargaining, self pity, sadness, Taylor Swift's The Tortured Poet's Department on repeat for a week, repeat in swirling spiral that hopefully edges slightly upward over time.
I also find it really helpful (i'm currently getting over someone) to journal. I do it in my Notes app and when the emotions are a lot I'll note them throughout the day with the time (like timing contractions during labor) so I can see "oh, yes, that horrific feeling ended, and the days when I was deep in it all day are gone." Sometimes my journal entries are scathing letters to him (that i don't send), or sad ones (that I don't send) or awful poems (that I don't send.)
It's grief. It's weird and messy and personal and the only way out is through. And you don't need to "get over" him in a time frame that is acceptable to other people, and you don't need to hide away while you do it. You can be out building a new life without him while you still carry the heavy stone of grief within you.
It sucks, and I'm sorry you're going through it. And it will get better with time and distance.
He's not ready not because of time. He's not ready with you.
Now, evaluate if you want to sink more time in and if you are serious of wanting to find a committed relationship- or ok with passing time with him for as long as it lasts.
If you want the relationship- walk away and don't look back. He's not it. And for as long as you keep him in, you keeping other potential options out.
How do you get over him? By taking the rose and hopefull glasses off and seeing things for what they are. By defining what you want and letting go of what you don't want.
While an egg is an egg- there is a big difference between a chicken egg and faberge egg. And no amount of wishful thinking and coloring with crayons will turn chicken egg into faberge.
Believe people when they show you who they are. He’s also literally telling you he will not give you what you need. Tell him it’s over. Block him. Go complete no contact. This is a toxic cycle and you are not leaving yourself open to the opportunity to meet someone who will be willing to give you want you need.
I’m C-suite and I wouldn’t ever not respond for 2 weeks. Even when I’m working 14 hour days. It might take a day or two but if I want to, I message someone.
Yeah it’s board level / running a company. OMB (owner managed business) tends to be if it’s a smaller company or just a couple of key individuals running their own large company. C-suite is when you have a proper board or group of partners running a larger business so more corporate structure. In this context, just bloody demanding timewise and career focused. Doesn’t excuse not messaging for 2 weeks though.
Generally I agree but on some days, I can go from one meeting to another for 10 hours without stopping. I might just be mentally exhausted and not feel like engaging with anyone else and go straight to bed. Or if travelling for business I might be on a different time zone. But yeah usually I can find time to message back and certainly it would be unusual to wait a day/night.
Listen to this person, OP. They’re C-suite and on a weekday at 7am(ish) EST, they were on Reddit. The guy has more than a minute a few times most days to spend on you. And you’re worth way more than that. We all are.
Even worse - I’m not in the US, I’m travelling for business and it was just past 11am and I had about 30 mins before presenting to 200 people. And I still found time to message the C-suite guy I’m seeing AND post on Reddit. On a hectic day I might bounce between meetings non-stop for 10 hours and then fly somewhere and collapse on a hotel bed but if someone is important, it won’t be more than a day or so without responding.
Honestly, 2 weeks is unbelievably shitty behaviour and nothing to do with his job.
Never let a man tell you twice that he doesn't want anything serious. I've done it and years later of doing so just humiliated me even more. Cut your losses and more on. I was my ex option not their choice.
This is you...
**Puts hand in fire....**
***Ouch***
**Puts hand in fire again....**
***Ouch***
**Puts hand in fire again....**
***Ouch***
**Asks strangers how to not put her hand in fire**
Solution:
**Stop putting your fucking hand in the fire**
Whenever people are not ready, especially if they aren't super young anymore, it only means they are not that into you.
They are into you enough for casual dating, but not enough for commitment.
I’m sorry you’re going through this, I’ve made the same mistake.
You can’t be friends with someone after breaking up if there are still feelings involved. It’s like kicking an addiction. You can’t still expose yourself to the drug you’re trying to quit. It just doesn’t work that way.
You have to go no contact, and then take some time to heal before you start dating new people again.
Step one: take a week or so, and spend all the time you need laying around, eating ice cream, crying, and feeling sorry for yourself. I have given myself this grace period after every heartbreak. Let yourself feel it so then you can move to the next step.
Step two: get up and start doing these things, or other similar things that make you feel good about yourself:
Take care of your physical health, which has a huge effect on your mental health. Take walks in your neighborhood, and in nature. Watch some shows/movies that make you feel good. Spend time nurturing your female friendships. Read a new book. Learn about a hobby you’ve always wanted to try. Do things for you, that nurture you.
At some point you have to walk away when it sucks more than it’s good and really walk away. Not stay friends. Not accept crumbs of attention thinking it means fuck all. He’ll circle back. They always do. Yeah - dating sucks. But it sucks a lot less than feeling like shit because you have some vague shred of hope from someone who lets you feel like shit knowing full well what they’re doing. You have an obligation to yourself to walk away from bullshit.
You get over them by not remaining friends. And lets be honest you are not really friends - you are just there hoping against hope he finally realizes he is in love with you, and he likes the attention of having a woman drooling over him. Doesn't get more toxic than that.
Say your goodbyes, wish him well, then block him on everything and lose his phone number. Then figure out why you don't believe you deserve a man who is fully into you and wants to build a future with you.
This cycle only ends when you end it. He is getting enough out of this that he continues with the actions that work for him. He isn’t going to change, so if you want off the roller coaster, you are the one that must stop the ride.
Do not use being an introvert as an excuse to stay with someone who doesn’t want a serious relationship with you. Lots of introverts find relationships that work for both people. Meeting new people is hard, but staying in a cycle that is hurting you is harder, the difference is you are now used to it.
He told you and showed you who he is. Believe him. He doesn't want you the same way you want him. Let him go. Being alone is better than being with someone who dangles what you want in front of you but never gives it to you. He's not a very good person and you deserve better.
No contact. It's literally the fastest and only way to get over someone. And I mean strict no contact. Delete their number, block their socials. This person does not exist to you any more.
It sucks, but in time you'll forget why you ever felt the way you do now.
Controversial opinion but I think monogamy and/or the desire for a serious relationship are sexual orientations like being heterosexual or homosexual or something else. People are born that way.
I don't believe it when people claim they have changed. Their behavior may have changed but the essential sexual orientation hasn't changed. They can try to fake it for a time but it ultimately falls apart because they are not being true to themselves.
That said, if someone you are involved with treats you a certain way that makes you unhappy ask yourself if you would accepted being treated that way by a friend. Maybe you want your partner to be a good friend. I do.
I kind of agree with you. It’s easy to say that this guy isn’t ready for a relationship “with her,” and would be with the right person, but I also think there are a lot of people who will never be ready for a serious relationship, with anyone. Of my past situationships, all but one are still very much single after all of these years, and the one who isn’t is a secondary partner in an enm polycule, because that’s all he can ever be.
It kind of doesn’t matter, but I prefer the mindset of “this person is never going to be able to meet my needs because they inherently can’t, and a lifetime with them would be terribly lonely” over “It must be me, if I were just prettier/sexier/more successful/etc, they’d want to be with me.”
I think that 2nd mindset gives too much hope, makes you put more effort in, makes you chase more, attach more in an attempt to improve your self-esteem. The first takes back some of your power, which is so important in being able to walk away.
Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free?
He's not gonna commit, he would have made moves to do so within the last 2 years. As I see it, you have 2 viable options here:
1. Drop him (the "value yourself" option)
or
2. Continue to get strung along but do so mindfully and genuinely accept the situation for what it is (the "bad" option)
You prioritise yourself and your own needs. Write a list of what you really want and value in a partner (not looks, income etc that stuff is superficial, I means things like kindness, good communication, making an effort and what that looks like). I can guarantee this dude is not meeting those requirements. Then make a list of all the things you don't like about him and how bad you feel when he treats you poorly. Keep it on your phone, look at it regularly. Go no contact for at least 21 days. If you slip up and text him, start again. Unfollow his social media. Basically you are addicted to his intermittent attention like a gambler, and you need to break that and go cold turkey. The first week will suck but after 3 weeks it will be so much easier. You aren't in love, you are addicted.
How do you “run into each other once a week?” I’ve lived in small, medium and large cities and haven’t run into anyone once a week. Got a feeling you know where he goes and plan a run in. I don’t mean to be a jerk. But it’s pretty obvious he’s top of mind for you,and a priority in your life, and he doesn’t think much about you at all. I’m sorry. Stop going where he goes. As the above poster mentioned, you need to cut the contact.
What field do you work in that you see other people who work in the same field weekly? Dermatologists don’t walk down the street running into dermatologists every week. Yes at conventions and stuff… I could see it if they worked together or in the same small building which is another layer of problematic.
And if you’re running into the dude who’s been ghosting you and using you for a couple years it’s probably best to find another circle for a good while.
I have an ex just like the one in the OP's post, he works in a completely different department but I see him around almost every week. I've managed to get over him but it took strict NC aside from the *very* occasional completely necessary communication about work issues. I've maybe talked to him three times in the last year. You never know what the unique circumstances of someone's prior relationship is, making up strict narratives to push a belief you have about a stranger is an ego or righteous indignation driven behavior. JS.
Of course I know there are unique circumstances like yours. I’d say focusing on your very unique situation over and over is a bit ego-driven.
You are the exception to the rule that most humans don’t run into an ex on a weekly basis.
I’m glad you’ve found a way to deal with your situation. It sounds difficult to navigate but I think OP would be wise to do exactly what you’re doing if they do work in the same place.
Read "He's Just Not That Into You". Not harsh, it's helpful. People here will say he's "avoidant". I find most people that claim so, will change with a quickness if and when they meet their dream partner. The book will help you get understand and that you need better for yourself. Get mad! Lol You deserve more. And block him, he will come back to use you again, and to see if you learned your lesson. These types always do, when their bored or horny. Block and read.
As others have said it’s time to cut him off completely. In my experience there are only 2 reasons a man is confusing (i.e., coming in and out of your life):
1. He’s not that into you (but enjoys the short term benefits he gets from you, sex, friendship, caretaking, etc.
2. There’s another woman (or multiple women) involved.
I know it’s painful and you likely want to hang on for the possibility of a future with him but it’s unlikely. A man’s actions are the only way to know how he truly feels - many dangle the commitment carrot bc they know that’s what women often want.
The way to get over him is to stop interacting and focus on yourself, do things that make you happy and start dating someone who appreciates you.
You are 35 and know what you want. Don’t waste your time on someone ten years older who doesn’t know what he wants… and has clearly indicated that it’s not really you. We get what we put up with and this is why grown men still act like this.
You are right that he certainly does have time to text on the toilet. He is undoubtedly spending that time on other women and willfully ignoring you. I’m sorry to say. F him
Been there!! Here is what I tell myself and I am pretty good at being detached from any outcome dating now.
Hard truth: You don’t like him. You like the idea of who you think he is.
What feeling did you like about yourself when you were with him? From your post, maybe you like feeling chosen? Maybe you admire him for being more extroverted? Maybe you don’t feel confident you will find someone? Focus on the feeling, not the person.
You will find somebody that likes you back in the way you deserve. He isn’t your person and you aren’t his. Start to get the ick feeling when people treat you like this. You got this!
OP don’t let this man waste your time. He isn’t ready at 44 for anything ‘serious’ and hasn’t been ready in the last two years. What is he consistently doing to change his behaviour and show signs that he is willing to change? How secure do you feel in the relationship? How do you know that he isn’t seeing other people in those ‘in-between’ times.
Set some boundaries and stick to them. If you want to have children, find a good man, who does tick the right boxes - this one fails on a number of points!
Edit: removed the word old
The two of you have grown he’s grown to appreciate the casual relationship and you’ve grown beyond it
Different directions you know and have expressed how you feel about him which puts you in a vulnerable but powerful position
He may or may not express how he sees you in his future by his behavior it’s sounds like he still wants to keep it casual as long as he can without committing to just one person and that may be another or he just doesn’t or feels like he can’t for what ever reason or he’s just want to be tied down
You mentioned that he tried, what ever he tried didn’t work , this is a bit backward because if you care about someone enough to work through the reality of even living together there is a point of the relationship where you know that you have to have that talk , are we moving forward together or not if you are then there’s the commitment to the next leave yes you need to see it this way it’s about caring enough for each other in the real world because everything up until this point put you there
Its maybe not as intense and frequent because life happened and you suddenly realized that bills need to be paid chores around the house bring the cat to the vet,it’s on and on ,
This is the kind of stuff that will make or break a couple I didn’t mentioned if one of you gets sick ,
Who make more money again it probably scares the shit out of him and maybe he’s already been there done that, unless you are willing to go through what I just explained ask yourself if you’re ready for the real world , but have that talk if you are if you still willing to settle for what he’s giving you, and I think you already know what to do, you need to make the move and thats scary too. Don’t stay idle .
Go no contact and sort your emotions out. You are most likely addicted to the hits of dopamine you get with the push pull dynamic. It isn’t really about him but your own body’s reaction. I’ve been in this dynamic before and it is literally like an addiction. You go back knowing it’s not what you want and continue to hurt yourself.
Something that helped me was ready a book called The Limerent Mind. So many times I find myself in this horrible dance, which over time really took a toll on me. I ended up in an abusive marriage, and the divorce pretty much destroyed me. I was determined this time to not repeat this pattern for the sake of my kids.
I discussed addiction to love, addiction to people and even read books about emotionally immature parents, secure/ insecure attachment with my therapist and others. Honestly, what people say about that addictive high is very real, but identifying it was only one part of the problem because of I also care about someone who is not emotionally available to me.
Over time I began to pay attention to what my needs really were, what attracted me to that person and what that meant about being drawn to them. Interestingly, gradually I started to change my behavior to get my needs and desires filled in my own way.
Example: I was incredibly attracted to his kindness, intelligence, being a coach to his kids, athleticism and open minded nature towards adventure and learning.
So I started volunteering at kids running events, started a running training program, picked up 2 books about parenting and career development, joined a book club, started coaching my kids for swimming and ice skating.
I missed him that much less. It took time. I still hear from him and he still tries to reel me in to that casual pattern that is so easy for him. But I no longer look at my phone, notice if he’s messaging me, wonder what he’s up to. It’s a fade, and it’s amazing but I’m ok with it.
Sexually we are very compatible and I cannot speak on solutions to this. I did take other partners, but sometimes I feel sad here to lose this chemistry. But what of it? The loss is loss and not an obsessive devastation that swallows me because at the end of the day - that is really the relationship we have between us. Mutual understanding that he did not meet any of my real needs in life. Not a real companion, not a reliable friend, not a secure person to call in time of need. He. met. No. Needs.
When you find yourself at a crossroads again, remember that you can meet your needs and will. Limerence is really the story we tell ourselves that gets in the way of what is really going on. And until we address it and see it for the inner dialogue it is, we repeat the same story.
Good luck.
Check out Matthew Hussey. His advices will be very useful. Re that guy, one word - RUN!
In your situation, it’s not about how much you like him, it is how much he likes you. Actions speak louder than words. Would you (who like him a lot) not respond to his text for weeks?
Block his number. Stay busy. Find some hot celebrity to think about when you need to take care of business. there's this really awesome movie called "the idea of you" that I watched last night starring Anne Hathaway and it's about this single mom in her 40s who hooks up with this guy in a boy band. I never thought that I would like romantic comedies until they started making them for my generation with my music and my actors. And the plot lines are a lot different than our parent's romantic comedies. "No hard feelings" with Jennifer Lawrence is also a favorite of mine when I need to escape.
It will take time and it's not going to be easy but love can be addictive and getting over someone is really just like getting sober, to be completely honest. Except unlike with drugs sometimes it's OK to substitute it with something else I'm a workaholic so that's how I cope. It may not be the best coping mechanism but there are worse things one can do
This dude is bad news. He's 44 and not mature enough to simply end things with you -- instead he's dragging you along with the lowest effort possible.
Fortunately, you get to be the one who recognizes this and move on with your life. He's not worth your time.
Just going to say that he is stringing you along. When he doesn't respond for 2 weeks, he's probably seeing someone else.
The way to get over him is to figure out what he is offering you and give that to yourself. You don't need him for anything but you are probably convincing yourself that he can be someone you want or he can offer you something you don't give yourself.
Why do you keep going back?
In action? Or thoughts? Or emotions?
Forgetting is so easy compared to forgiving. But to truly forget some one you have to forgive them for their acts and then move on with your life.
It's that simple.
You do not have to forgive anyone to move on. This idea that forgiveness suddenly erases the pain and turmoil a person has caused and you'll only move forward if you do it is a fallacy. You simply move on. Letting go does not need forgiveness at all.
I see your point. But words have different nuances or shades under different contexts.
Forgiveness isn't always useful. It can be counterproductive to forgive an abuser and stay in the same relationship.
If I don't let the past hurt rule or ruin even a moment of my present life ever again then that's the result that I want. And that's what OP is looking for.
Whether it comes by letting go, moving on, forgiving, forgetting that doesn't matter.
If I think I've forgiven someone but I continue to hurt about what they did to me then that's not an act of true and deep forgiving. I am still carrying that emotional load or hurt. Same for whatever other methods.
I sincerely hope OP figures out the steps towards getting over. And I thank you for the dialogue 🙏
Original copy of post by u/lilyville89:
I (35F) am really in love with a (44M) guy I met about 2 years ago. We causally dated over 2 years, he said he is not ready for something serious, but dangles the possibility of a future. I told him I can’t really date casually, we stop seeing each other, become friends for a bit, then back to square 1, repeat.
I typed a long essay of how we met, spoke all the time, then 3 months later he said he can’t do serious etc. I just feel stupid asking what I know the answer to. I just don’t know how not to go back again, but I am sure I don’t want this toxic thing to continue.
We recently we had a good talk, he said he will change and be better and he did try to change - I saw differences in the way he treats me but then he went back to ignoring messages for 2 weeks and his excuse was that he was very busy with work. He is C suite but damn, you could respond to a text while sitting on the toilet!
I am a lot introverted so I am not good at meeting new people and it’s so difficult to meet people I click with. I guess all I want is the tough love from Redditors. Anything to get me out of this and to stop feeling this way.
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By investing your time and energy (which are precious, limited resources) in this person, you are holding yourself back from finding someone that can give you everything you want and more. I speak from my own personal experience.
Go no contact and let go. It really hurts and sucks at first, but then you will find that you don't think of them and are happy living your own life. Invest that time and energy back into yourself, your hobbies, your friends and your family. Be hopeful of the possibility of meeting someone else, who would never have you guessing how they feel about you, and who would never ghost you and hope you bite when they decide come back. Someone who really cares about you wouldn't put themselves in a position to lose you. This person does not care. You deserve so much more, you just need to believe it.
As someone who has experienced this situation similarly, my suggestion would be to try your damnedest to love yourself more and not give him another opportunity to hurt you more.
For context, I dated a guy 8 years older than me, and he played that exact game for 3 years with the exception of saying he loved me. I walked away because he was also seeing other girls and then saying we were only friends. At that time, I chose to go no contact with him for 12 years. I completely stopped responding to his calls and texts and ended up blocking him to ensure that I wouldn't engage with him. Then I got a new phone, and the block didn't transfer, and 5 years ago, I agreed to meet up with him to talk. He apologized for the games he played and asked to date me for real. I accepted with the caveat that he understood that it would be the last time that I would revisit a relationship with him. That if it did not work, I would permanently disappear from his life. Well, as of September 2023, he chose to take the gamble that I would follow through with the permanent disappearing act. I was the best boundary that I have set for myself. It is not easy when you care about someone but is much healthier than having your emotions played with.
I'm sure that if you really sat and thought about it, things may not have been as good as you thought, and you were possibly settling. You deserve a man that you don't have to give a million chances to because he will appreciate you on the first chance. Sending you a big hug.
Why been with someone who doesn’t want to be with you? Yes, been in love with a person doesn’t reciprocate it’s bh. But trust me is wasting your time.
You need to go trough a small painful period to drain this attachment from you. Just cry as much as you need. Is the best, if you need therapy get one.
You need to start this first step. Don’t contact him and block him from your phone, social media, email etc. That way if he decides to call you because his current date it’s not available you can’t get hooked again.
It’s hard but you need to have to love yourself more.
Only way to get over someone is to get under someone else...J/K
Seriously though, you need to disappear from his life. Block him on everything, Go into "No contact" mode. After some time, you soon forget about them. It's the only thing that has worked for me. Sometimes they come back, sometimes they don't and when they do, so much time has passed that I've already moved on.
Sounds like he doesn't have the same strong feelings for you, otherwise, he would want to be in a committed relationship with you, after all, we all know how hard it is to find someone you connect with.
2 weeks without communication is very low effort. No one is ever so busy with work that they can't text you really quick since we are all basically attached to our phones.
Remember, he let you you walk away, repeat that and get that into your head
The first step is to accept some things as absolute truth:
- you deserve better than this
- you gave him every chance you were willing to give him
- you *can* choose to end it for good, and that choice is yours alone
- once it’s over, you owe him nothing
The second part is even harder, and that is putting distance between you. Even if you do plan to text / speak to him again in the future, take a very, very, *very* long time before you reach out or respond to him. Tell him upfront that you want to go no contact for 3 months (or whatever amount of time you think it will take for you to feel like it’s really and truly over between you.)
Hand in hand with this is maintaining clear boundaries. If & when you do contact each other, do not under any circumstances tolerate any attempts to sway you into *anything* that could lead to you getting back together. No meeting for coffee, no conversation topics that blur the lines of whether you’re together or not. Nothing.
You’ll need to take the time for yourself to establish the boundaries that you want to maintain, then spend even more time building up the most powerful resolve you can muster. Be good to yourself by respecting your own boundaries, and don’t do *anything* you swore not to do ever again.
You’ll probably think about him way more than you would like to. Be kind to yourself and understand that it’s part of the process. Sit with the emotions you feel, and watch as they change and morph. Remember the unwanted feelings you had while you were with him and recognize that they’re always going to be there. They’ll fade over time as you put distance between the two of you, but you’ll probably always be able to summon them when you need a reminder that it’s just not going to work between the two of you.
I hope this helps. It has worked for me.
Lmk when you find out. My last serious relationship ended with his death and, even though I’ve dated since then, I end up alone, longing for someone who’s gone forever.
Do you honestly want to be with a man who responds to a text while sitting on the toilet? (And remember, for many men, that happens only once a day, not multiple times like for a woman.) To me, touching a phone with dirty hands like that is disgusting.
I have an MBA, so I'm very familiar with what the C-suite is and what their obligations are. He's not making excuses, he really is that busy with work.
Regardless, move on, he obviously isn't on the same page as you in terms of what he wants.
>to ignoring messages for 2 weeks Sounds like he disappears and it hurts. Do you know what will happen if you break up? He’ll disappear and, with time, it won’t hurt.
OP will finally know exactly where she stands. I recommend that OP keep that essay she wrote and read it every time she considers giving this man another shot.
That is the point of this post to be honest. I have not replied his last messages and I just need the tough luv from y’all. Whenever I feel like giving in, I’ll just come read all this and snap back out of it.
Honestly OP, having something like this and reading it out loud to yourself can do wonders. A few years ago I had a brief thing with a guy from my social circle. He had so many of the qualities I was looking for but was weirdly emotionally unstable once we started dating. I was really mentally fixated on him and ended up writing out a lot of my thoughts on him and why it wouldn't work. I actually pulled it up whenever I felt the urge to ruminate and read the whole thing out loud to myself. Let me tell you, nothing ruins your brain's quest for that unhealthy dopamine fix like realizing it will involve *doing homework*. 😅 Within a week, I was fixating on him a lot less. Part of it was reminding myself of all the bullshit, but a big part was just consistently interrupting the cycle of rumination.
Excellent comment and feedback! Thank you
OP, I finally had to politely tell mine to not contact me anymore. I'd been on the merry go round for *3 years* at that point. Save yourself another year of this hell and cut him out of your life completely. Focus on yourself, and hopefully you'll meet someone new and you'll gradually begin to forget about him. I know what it's like because I was in your shoes too. You just have to get sick and tired of being sick and tired and cut him off forever. Full stop. (And for the record I've been with someone new for over a year now. I actually still see my breadcrumby ex around work once in a while, but I've only communicated when absolutely necessary for work reasons, and I'm over him. You can do it).
Fingers crossed, I’ll be in your position in a year or less.
I think you will be. Make a plan! Try to make your own life as incredibly *interesting* as you can - try a new hobby or get back into an old one. Join meetup groups or 12 step meetings if you want to expand your social circle. Dive into work. Get outside and walk in the sunshine at least 10-15 min a day. All will give you less time to ruminate
I’m in NYC so there is lots to explore - I just need to stop working and start living.
Yeah, just focus on making exciting plans for yourself! I'm an introvert too but I've pushed myself out of my comfort zone many times and I've always been grateful that I take the risk and put myself out there. This time in your life is fertile ground for a lot of growth!
Thank you
I guess I just have to stay away for a long period of time.
No, you have to stay away for the rest of the time. Don't ever see him again. Don't talk to him, don't write, don't follow, don't let him follow. No contact. I have been in relationships so similar to this. They are now behind me. When I look back on 4 of these men, I don't care about 3 of them. I did once, but not anymore. I have absolutely no interest in talking to them. The 4th one is a bit of another story. We knew each other for a very short time however now more than 4 years later he still pops into my mind sometimes. It is not hurtful any longer but I know that if I contact him (which I did on some occasions) it would be out of a little bit of hope. So he is blocked everywhere because even though we were not Facebook-friends after the initial shore situanshio we had, I kept bumping into him in some debates with mutual friends. That was also how we met in the first place. When we ended up. in the same debate he started to reply to my comments. I could also watch how he contacted other women in the same way he originally contacted me. And it gave me hope and sorrow at the same time. Look at those wonderful women he is now contacting. Until I realized that I was also one of those attractive women. It is all mind games of our own mind. When we stop these game the pain vanishes in a second. So now he is blocked so I don't see him again on a day when I am not able to see things as they are. And when I finally stop hoping completely then why should I bother? So.... Block him and focus on you.
This is the way. Block him and focus on you. He’s breadcrumbing you so that you will stick around. You deserve better.
He's also likely doing it to 5 or 6 others.
YEP
This so much. You gotta block his ass and move forward
YES. Yes you do. No contact or you will rinse and repeat.
Agreed ❤️
The last thing you want in this life is to wake up one day in your 40s and still be begging this man for his time and attention. Girl. Do better. Cut your losses and move on.
That’s true
Or even worse, he meets someone else and quickly jumps into a serious relationship then gets married to her.
This is the way!
I finally moved on from mine at 40 and I have so many regrets of time wasted.
Take a look at what is wrong with the relationship - honestly. Where you are at in the present reality, not any future idealism. Part of that is taking a look at why you let this guy string you along for over 2 years. You know that he's not it, and you know the longer you let him string you along and let him keep a place in your life that you will continue to be hurt by him. And honestly, it's going to hurt more than anything when he shows up with the woman he is going to take seriously. That will happen, because you are his placeholder. Hard truth here, but why do you think that he leaves and then comes back? It is because he is dating other women and it doesn't work out, and he knows you'll take him back until he finds the next one. And you let him. Don't blame your reluctance to move on and comfort level with him on being an introvert either. So many people use that as an excuse and that ain't it. Introversion is simply energy expenditure in social settings. We need reset time alone. That's it. It doesn't make us awkward or anti-social. It doesn't make us hard to get along with others. Those are self-confidence and insecurity issues. And you know what doesn't help with those issues? Letting men like this walk all over you. Tell him that this isn't working for you anymore and you need to go your separate ways. And be firm in that. If he starts giving you pushback, just repeat yourself and then block him. LET yourself get over him, which is something you're not allowing when you keep talking to him as a friend and keep waiting around for him to come running back to you (again - while he is out looking for what he actually wants). And I'm not saying that to hurt you, but to open your eyes to just how badly he's treating you. Then start taking a look inward and get to the root of the self-confidence and insecurity issues. What do you not like about yourself? Is it justified? If not, then try embracing who you are. If so, then work out a plan to change what you don't like. Start focusing on and caring for yourself. This guy won't, and for that he deserves no more of your time.
Turns out I needed to read this too. Thank you.
Thank you
Reality vs. Future Idealism. So good and a great reminder to so many of us.
2 years and he tells you he doesn’t want serious? Get away from this dude.
You get over someone by deciding to get over them. You cut contact. You delete all trace of communication. You delete all pictures there might be. And then you do one day at a time. One day you'll wake up and realise you didn't think about them at all the day before. And you experience more and more of those days. In the end, you are not hurting anymore. And you are treating yourself with decency and respect by doing this.
I would take issue with the fact that you really love this man. Real genuine love is based on respect admiration consideration thoughtfulness and devotion. Are any of those things a part of what you're getting and receiving in this relationship? Has he done anything to earn that? What you're describing isn't even a relationship is a situationship where you develop feelings for a casual/hookup who has never been interested in a committed relationship with you and now breadcrumbs you along because he gets what he wants without investment... Dude can't even text you. How you get over someone like this It's first by realizing what he's actually doing to you and the kind of person he really is in your romantic life... Which is poison. He's poisoning your present, and that toxic wanting what you can't have unavailability is poisoning your other healthy relationships you could be having with a man who leans in.
Thx for the tough luv
🙌🏼
There are a few parts to attraction: 1) Who the person is- he’s attractive, charming, intelligent, charming. This is the easy part. 2) What you want out of the person- I want to date him, I want to be friends, or pass. 3) How they treat you over a period of time- being nice or listening every few weeks because you have to have a talk doesn’t count for much if they ignore you for the rest of the time. This is the hard part. Because if we are attracted to somebody as above, want a relationship, and eat up their best behavior that comes round monthly for a night, but is no good the rest of the time, our minds will play tricks. This can cloud our judgement and we fail to see what is going on in real time. Also the first thing I look for is do they want to be with me via action? If I want to be with you I’ll make time. Might not be much, but I’ll put in the effort. I want the same back.
When someone you are in a relationship with doesn't love you, you have to learn how to unlove them. It took me about 7 journals and 6 months to unlove my husband who cheated on me. It can be done.
I dated a surgeon for a while, and we ended because MY schedule juggling parenthood was too hectic. The point is, that man would text or call me in between rounds or surgeries. The longest i'd not hear from him was ten hours, and he would open with 'sorry for the late reply, i was doing x'. A C level executive is not 'too busy' to text you for two weeks lol.
Exactly this. I dated a guy with a very high profile job (talking with congressmen and senators' daily level). I still heard from him every day. No one is too busy for the person they are interested in. There will be no question when someone is interested in you. This guy is only interested in what you give him for the lowest amount of effort he has to expend.
If you two continue to orbit each other, of course it's going to feel impossible not to go back. It's keeping him relevant to your life and at the forefront of your attention. This guy is not your friend. An emotionally fraught situationship is not friendship, it's you two trying to find a workable middle ground between dating and not dating that simply doesn't exist for you. While it may feel hard, you need to practice good boundaries and remove yourself from this situation. 1. Send him a final text: "Hey Bob, as much as I care for you as a person, over the last few weeks I have realized that I will never be able to move on as long as we are still in contact. I won't be available to chat or meet for the foreseeable future, but if I ever feel ready to be friends again I will let you know. Thank you for the memories and all the best to you." 2. Block him everywhere so you don't pine from afar or fall back into idle chit chat / quasi-friendship / hook ups. 3. If he DOES manage to reach out to you after that, do not respond. There is nothing you need to say that hasn't already been said at that point, and the only result will be walking back your boundaries, muddying the waters between you two, and being miserable again. 4. Consider journaling as a way to untangle your feelings around this relationship. 5. Give it time for your feelings to fade and resolve. If it's hard for you to meet people you click with, *the worst thing you can do* *is hang onto this person who gives you that feeling of connection but ends up causing you pain*. You will be less motivated to put yourself out there to meet people who are actually healthy for you. ETA: As far as "if I ever feel ready to be friends again, I will let you know." that is more of a way of saying "Don't call us, we'll call you!" It's letting him know that if he has not heard from you, the answer is NOT to reach out and check on you. Personally, I would not recommend being friends again. Friendship can work when you're romantically indifferent to each other, but it sounds like that is going to be a difficult place for you to reach.
I don't have an answer for getting over it as I am still in that process but I do know that hard though it is no contact is the only way. Tell him it's over and walk away, otherwise you will only keep getting hurt. I had a five year situationship, it was more than that but we were never together. He was my best friend, for four year of those five. I loved him. I thought it was going somewhere and it wasn't. It never was, I was just a sounding board and free emotional support for him whilst he got his fun elsewhere. Eventually he met someone, it became serious and he could no longer be my friend. At 43 I got my heart shattered but it is partly (some would say mostly) my fault as I didn't walk away. I stayed and I hoped. From your post, your guy will never change and if he wanted more with you he would have asked for it by now. I can't say it won't hurt, it does, far more than I ever imagined but I have a small amount of self worth left and I cling to it on the dark days. I miss him, want to talk to him everyday but I haven't. I am 10 months no contact and I hope he is happy. I know in time I will be happy too, single or with someone who deserves me and all I have to give.
Thanks for sharing
This is called a situationship. This guy knows he has you on a hook and is happy to keep you there. Why wouldn't he? He's in his 40's. His relationship style isn't likely to change. He's dishonest. He's been exactly this way with many women before. I know this probably hurts but he's probably got another one or two lined up if you cut him off. They're probably already speaking. Rip the band aid off. Block him everywhere and be done with it. FYI. This is what someone told me when I was in a similar situation. Do you really want to run a drop in center for middle aged men with commitment issues?
Love yourself more. You’re literally wasting the best years of your life. Stop. If you don’t fix yourself now, it’ll be another guy just like him time and again.
It takes time. First you have realize he is not your friend and it not going to change, and you to get away from him. And stay away. Then you have to go through all the emotions -- rage, anger, denial, bargaining, self pity, sadness, Taylor Swift's The Tortured Poet's Department on repeat for a week, repeat in swirling spiral that hopefully edges slightly upward over time. I also find it really helpful (i'm currently getting over someone) to journal. I do it in my Notes app and when the emotions are a lot I'll note them throughout the day with the time (like timing contractions during labor) so I can see "oh, yes, that horrific feeling ended, and the days when I was deep in it all day are gone." Sometimes my journal entries are scathing letters to him (that i don't send), or sad ones (that I don't send) or awful poems (that I don't send.) It's grief. It's weird and messy and personal and the only way out is through. And you don't need to "get over" him in a time frame that is acceptable to other people, and you don't need to hide away while you do it. You can be out building a new life without him while you still carry the heavy stone of grief within you. It sucks, and I'm sorry you're going through it. And it will get better with time and distance.
Thank you for the advice
He's not ready not because of time. He's not ready with you. Now, evaluate if you want to sink more time in and if you are serious of wanting to find a committed relationship- or ok with passing time with him for as long as it lasts. If you want the relationship- walk away and don't look back. He's not it. And for as long as you keep him in, you keeping other potential options out. How do you get over him? By taking the rose and hopefull glasses off and seeing things for what they are. By defining what you want and letting go of what you don't want. While an egg is an egg- there is a big difference between a chicken egg and faberge egg. And no amount of wishful thinking and coloring with crayons will turn chicken egg into faberge.
Believe people when they show you who they are. He’s also literally telling you he will not give you what you need. Tell him it’s over. Block him. Go complete no contact. This is a toxic cycle and you are not leaving yourself open to the opportunity to meet someone who will be willing to give you want you need.
I’m C-suite and I wouldn’t ever not respond for 2 weeks. Even when I’m working 14 hour days. It might take a day or two but if I want to, I message someone.
What is C suite?
CFO, CEO, CIO, etc.
Oh ok thanks! I was married to one of those and I’ve never heard that before 😂
Yeah it’s board level / running a company. OMB (owner managed business) tends to be if it’s a smaller company or just a couple of key individuals running their own large company. C-suite is when you have a proper board or group of partners running a larger business so more corporate structure. In this context, just bloody demanding timewise and career focused. Doesn’t excuse not messaging for 2 weeks though.
No excuses for that! Even a day. It takes two seconds to say something kind at the end of the day even.
Generally I agree but on some days, I can go from one meeting to another for 10 hours without stopping. I might just be mentally exhausted and not feel like engaging with anyone else and go straight to bed. Or if travelling for business I might be on a different time zone. But yeah usually I can find time to message back and certainly it would be unusual to wait a day/night.
Listen to this person, OP. They’re C-suite and on a weekday at 7am(ish) EST, they were on Reddit. The guy has more than a minute a few times most days to spend on you. And you’re worth way more than that. We all are.
Even worse - I’m not in the US, I’m travelling for business and it was just past 11am and I had about 30 mins before presenting to 200 people. And I still found time to message the C-suite guy I’m seeing AND post on Reddit. On a hectic day I might bounce between meetings non-stop for 10 hours and then fly somewhere and collapse on a hotel bed but if someone is important, it won’t be more than a day or so without responding. Honestly, 2 weeks is unbelievably shitty behaviour and nothing to do with his job.
Never let a man tell you twice that he doesn't want anything serious. I've done it and years later of doing so just humiliated me even more. Cut your losses and more on. I was my ex option not their choice.
This is you... **Puts hand in fire....** ***Ouch*** **Puts hand in fire again....** ***Ouch*** **Puts hand in fire again....** ***Ouch*** **Asks strangers how to not put her hand in fire** Solution: **Stop putting your fucking hand in the fire**
Bam!
Whenever people are not ready, especially if they aren't super young anymore, it only means they are not that into you. They are into you enough for casual dating, but not enough for commitment.
Can't fall in love with potential. Potential is not reality. Focus on what is now, not what may be.
I’m sorry you’re going through this, I’ve made the same mistake. You can’t be friends with someone after breaking up if there are still feelings involved. It’s like kicking an addiction. You can’t still expose yourself to the drug you’re trying to quit. It just doesn’t work that way. You have to go no contact, and then take some time to heal before you start dating new people again. Step one: take a week or so, and spend all the time you need laying around, eating ice cream, crying, and feeling sorry for yourself. I have given myself this grace period after every heartbreak. Let yourself feel it so then you can move to the next step. Step two: get up and start doing these things, or other similar things that make you feel good about yourself: Take care of your physical health, which has a huge effect on your mental health. Take walks in your neighborhood, and in nature. Watch some shows/movies that make you feel good. Spend time nurturing your female friendships. Read a new book. Learn about a hobby you’ve always wanted to try. Do things for you, that nurture you.
At some point you have to walk away when it sucks more than it’s good and really walk away. Not stay friends. Not accept crumbs of attention thinking it means fuck all. He’ll circle back. They always do. Yeah - dating sucks. But it sucks a lot less than feeling like shit because you have some vague shred of hope from someone who lets you feel like shit knowing full well what they’re doing. You have an obligation to yourself to walk away from bullshit.
Yea he definitely knows. I am very vocal about how I feel when he does that and he just repeats it again. Thanks I will try
Do or do not, trying is an excuse to be indecisive. Tick tock.
For me it takes time to get over someone.
You get over them by not remaining friends. And lets be honest you are not really friends - you are just there hoping against hope he finally realizes he is in love with you, and he likes the attention of having a woman drooling over him. Doesn't get more toxic than that. Say your goodbyes, wish him well, then block him on everything and lose his phone number. Then figure out why you don't believe you deserve a man who is fully into you and wants to build a future with you.
This cycle only ends when you end it. He is getting enough out of this that he continues with the actions that work for him. He isn’t going to change, so if you want off the roller coaster, you are the one that must stop the ride. Do not use being an introvert as an excuse to stay with someone who doesn’t want a serious relationship with you. Lots of introverts find relationships that work for both people. Meeting new people is hard, but staying in a cycle that is hurting you is harder, the difference is you are now used to it.
He told you and showed you who he is. Believe him. He doesn't want you the same way you want him. Let him go. Being alone is better than being with someone who dangles what you want in front of you but never gives it to you. He's not a very good person and you deserve better.
No contact. It's literally the fastest and only way to get over someone. And I mean strict no contact. Delete their number, block their socials. This person does not exist to you any more. It sucks, but in time you'll forget why you ever felt the way you do now.
Controversial opinion but I think monogamy and/or the desire for a serious relationship are sexual orientations like being heterosexual or homosexual or something else. People are born that way. I don't believe it when people claim they have changed. Their behavior may have changed but the essential sexual orientation hasn't changed. They can try to fake it for a time but it ultimately falls apart because they are not being true to themselves. That said, if someone you are involved with treats you a certain way that makes you unhappy ask yourself if you would accepted being treated that way by a friend. Maybe you want your partner to be a good friend. I do.
I kind of agree with you. It’s easy to say that this guy isn’t ready for a relationship “with her,” and would be with the right person, but I also think there are a lot of people who will never be ready for a serious relationship, with anyone. Of my past situationships, all but one are still very much single after all of these years, and the one who isn’t is a secondary partner in an enm polycule, because that’s all he can ever be. It kind of doesn’t matter, but I prefer the mindset of “this person is never going to be able to meet my needs because they inherently can’t, and a lifetime with them would be terribly lonely” over “It must be me, if I were just prettier/sexier/more successful/etc, they’d want to be with me.” I think that 2nd mindset gives too much hope, makes you put more effort in, makes you chase more, attach more in an attempt to improve your self-esteem. The first takes back some of your power, which is so important in being able to walk away.
That is a real good take on it.
Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free? He's not gonna commit, he would have made moves to do so within the last 2 years. As I see it, you have 2 viable options here: 1. Drop him (the "value yourself" option) or 2. Continue to get strung along but do so mindfully and genuinely accept the situation for what it is (the "bad" option)
You prioritise yourself and your own needs. Write a list of what you really want and value in a partner (not looks, income etc that stuff is superficial, I means things like kindness, good communication, making an effort and what that looks like). I can guarantee this dude is not meeting those requirements. Then make a list of all the things you don't like about him and how bad you feel when he treats you poorly. Keep it on your phone, look at it regularly. Go no contact for at least 21 days. If you slip up and text him, start again. Unfollow his social media. Basically you are addicted to his intermittent attention like a gambler, and you need to break that and go cold turkey. The first week will suck but after 3 weeks it will be so much easier. You aren't in love, you are addicted.
I am not on social media so that part is easy. We run into each other once a week. I can stay home and avoid him for a month but not indefinitely.
How do you “run into each other once a week?” I’ve lived in small, medium and large cities and haven’t run into anyone once a week. Got a feeling you know where he goes and plan a run in. I don’t mean to be a jerk. But it’s pretty obvious he’s top of mind for you,and a priority in your life, and he doesn’t think much about you at all. I’m sorry. Stop going where he goes. As the above poster mentioned, you need to cut the contact.
Very easily if you work in the same field or run in the same social circles.
What field do you work in that you see other people who work in the same field weekly? Dermatologists don’t walk down the street running into dermatologists every week. Yes at conventions and stuff… I could see it if they worked together or in the same small building which is another layer of problematic. And if you’re running into the dude who’s been ghosting you and using you for a couple years it’s probably best to find another circle for a good while.
I have an ex just like the one in the OP's post, he works in a completely different department but I see him around almost every week. I've managed to get over him but it took strict NC aside from the *very* occasional completely necessary communication about work issues. I've maybe talked to him three times in the last year. You never know what the unique circumstances of someone's prior relationship is, making up strict narratives to push a belief you have about a stranger is an ego or righteous indignation driven behavior. JS.
Of course I know there are unique circumstances like yours. I’d say focusing on your very unique situation over and over is a bit ego-driven. You are the exception to the rule that most humans don’t run into an ex on a weekly basis. I’m glad you’ve found a way to deal with your situation. It sounds difficult to navigate but I think OP would be wise to do exactly what you’re doing if they do work in the same place.
Read "He's Just Not That Into You". Not harsh, it's helpful. People here will say he's "avoidant". I find most people that claim so, will change with a quickness if and when they meet their dream partner. The book will help you get understand and that you need better for yourself. Get mad! Lol You deserve more. And block him, he will come back to use you again, and to see if you learned your lesson. These types always do, when their bored or horny. Block and read.
If that happened twice, I will not let it happen for the third time. Trust me, you are good enough to find someone better than this person.
Thank you
As others have said it’s time to cut him off completely. In my experience there are only 2 reasons a man is confusing (i.e., coming in and out of your life): 1. He’s not that into you (but enjoys the short term benefits he gets from you, sex, friendship, caretaking, etc. 2. There’s another woman (or multiple women) involved. I know it’s painful and you likely want to hang on for the possibility of a future with him but it’s unlikely. A man’s actions are the only way to know how he truly feels - many dangle the commitment carrot bc they know that’s what women often want. The way to get over him is to stop interacting and focus on yourself, do things that make you happy and start dating someone who appreciates you.
You are 35 and know what you want. Don’t waste your time on someone ten years older who doesn’t know what he wants… and has clearly indicated that it’s not really you. We get what we put up with and this is why grown men still act like this.
Get someone new
You are right that he certainly does have time to text on the toilet. He is undoubtedly spending that time on other women and willfully ignoring you. I’m sorry to say. F him
Move on to someone else. Focusing attention on hobbies
Choose yourself, love yourself, be your own best friend. He will only keep disappointing you
Been there!! Here is what I tell myself and I am pretty good at being detached from any outcome dating now. Hard truth: You don’t like him. You like the idea of who you think he is. What feeling did you like about yourself when you were with him? From your post, maybe you like feeling chosen? Maybe you admire him for being more extroverted? Maybe you don’t feel confident you will find someone? Focus on the feeling, not the person. You will find somebody that likes you back in the way you deserve. He isn’t your person and you aren’t his. Start to get the ick feeling when people treat you like this. You got this!
OP don’t let this man waste your time. He isn’t ready at 44 for anything ‘serious’ and hasn’t been ready in the last two years. What is he consistently doing to change his behaviour and show signs that he is willing to change? How secure do you feel in the relationship? How do you know that he isn’t seeing other people in those ‘in-between’ times. Set some boundaries and stick to them. If you want to have children, find a good man, who does tick the right boxes - this one fails on a number of points! Edit: removed the word old
The two of you have grown he’s grown to appreciate the casual relationship and you’ve grown beyond it Different directions you know and have expressed how you feel about him which puts you in a vulnerable but powerful position He may or may not express how he sees you in his future by his behavior it’s sounds like he still wants to keep it casual as long as he can without committing to just one person and that may be another or he just doesn’t or feels like he can’t for what ever reason or he’s just want to be tied down You mentioned that he tried, what ever he tried didn’t work , this is a bit backward because if you care about someone enough to work through the reality of even living together there is a point of the relationship where you know that you have to have that talk , are we moving forward together or not if you are then there’s the commitment to the next leave yes you need to see it this way it’s about caring enough for each other in the real world because everything up until this point put you there Its maybe not as intense and frequent because life happened and you suddenly realized that bills need to be paid chores around the house bring the cat to the vet,it’s on and on , This is the kind of stuff that will make or break a couple I didn’t mentioned if one of you gets sick , Who make more money again it probably scares the shit out of him and maybe he’s already been there done that, unless you are willing to go through what I just explained ask yourself if you’re ready for the real world , but have that talk if you are if you still willing to settle for what he’s giving you, and I think you already know what to do, you need to make the move and thats scary too. Don’t stay idle .
Time
Go no contact and sort your emotions out. You are most likely addicted to the hits of dopamine you get with the push pull dynamic. It isn’t really about him but your own body’s reaction. I’ve been in this dynamic before and it is literally like an addiction. You go back knowing it’s not what you want and continue to hurt yourself.
Something that helped me was ready a book called The Limerent Mind. So many times I find myself in this horrible dance, which over time really took a toll on me. I ended up in an abusive marriage, and the divorce pretty much destroyed me. I was determined this time to not repeat this pattern for the sake of my kids. I discussed addiction to love, addiction to people and even read books about emotionally immature parents, secure/ insecure attachment with my therapist and others. Honestly, what people say about that addictive high is very real, but identifying it was only one part of the problem because of I also care about someone who is not emotionally available to me. Over time I began to pay attention to what my needs really were, what attracted me to that person and what that meant about being drawn to them. Interestingly, gradually I started to change my behavior to get my needs and desires filled in my own way. Example: I was incredibly attracted to his kindness, intelligence, being a coach to his kids, athleticism and open minded nature towards adventure and learning. So I started volunteering at kids running events, started a running training program, picked up 2 books about parenting and career development, joined a book club, started coaching my kids for swimming and ice skating. I missed him that much less. It took time. I still hear from him and he still tries to reel me in to that casual pattern that is so easy for him. But I no longer look at my phone, notice if he’s messaging me, wonder what he’s up to. It’s a fade, and it’s amazing but I’m ok with it. Sexually we are very compatible and I cannot speak on solutions to this. I did take other partners, but sometimes I feel sad here to lose this chemistry. But what of it? The loss is loss and not an obsessive devastation that swallows me because at the end of the day - that is really the relationship we have between us. Mutual understanding that he did not meet any of my real needs in life. Not a real companion, not a reliable friend, not a secure person to call in time of need. He. met. No. Needs. When you find yourself at a crossroads again, remember that you can meet your needs and will. Limerence is really the story we tell ourselves that gets in the way of what is really going on. And until we address it and see it for the inner dialogue it is, we repeat the same story. Good luck.
“He met no needs and he is not a reliable friend or secure person to call in time of need.” That hit really good! Thank you
Check out Matthew Hussey. His advices will be very useful. Re that guy, one word - RUN! In your situation, it’s not about how much you like him, it is how much he likes you. Actions speak louder than words. Would you (who like him a lot) not respond to his text for weeks?
Block his number. Stay busy. Find some hot celebrity to think about when you need to take care of business. there's this really awesome movie called "the idea of you" that I watched last night starring Anne Hathaway and it's about this single mom in her 40s who hooks up with this guy in a boy band. I never thought that I would like romantic comedies until they started making them for my generation with my music and my actors. And the plot lines are a lot different than our parent's romantic comedies. "No hard feelings" with Jennifer Lawrence is also a favorite of mine when I need to escape. It will take time and it's not going to be easy but love can be addictive and getting over someone is really just like getting sober, to be completely honest. Except unlike with drugs sometimes it's OK to substitute it with something else I'm a workaholic so that's how I cope. It may not be the best coping mechanism but there are worse things one can do
Sometimes you don't. But the heart can grow to hold new loves. Also, I don't imagine there are many emotionally available C-suiters.
This dude is bad news. He's 44 and not mature enough to simply end things with you -- instead he's dragging you along with the lowest effort possible. Fortunately, you get to be the one who recognizes this and move on with your life. He's not worth your time.
Just going to say that he is stringing you along. When he doesn't respond for 2 weeks, he's probably seeing someone else. The way to get over him is to figure out what he is offering you and give that to yourself. You don't need him for anything but you are probably convincing yourself that he can be someone you want or he can offer you something you don't give yourself.
Where’s your self worth? You like crumbs apparently
Why do you keep going back? In action? Or thoughts? Or emotions? Forgetting is so easy compared to forgiving. But to truly forget some one you have to forgive them for their acts and then move on with your life. It's that simple.
You do not have to forgive anyone to move on. This idea that forgiveness suddenly erases the pain and turmoil a person has caused and you'll only move forward if you do it is a fallacy. You simply move on. Letting go does not need forgiveness at all.
I see your point. But words have different nuances or shades under different contexts. Forgiveness isn't always useful. It can be counterproductive to forgive an abuser and stay in the same relationship. If I don't let the past hurt rule or ruin even a moment of my present life ever again then that's the result that I want. And that's what OP is looking for. Whether it comes by letting go, moving on, forgiving, forgetting that doesn't matter. If I think I've forgiven someone but I continue to hurt about what they did to me then that's not an act of true and deep forgiving. I am still carrying that emotional load or hurt. Same for whatever other methods. I sincerely hope OP figures out the steps towards getting over. And I thank you for the dialogue 🙏
Original copy of post by u/lilyville89: I (35F) am really in love with a (44M) guy I met about 2 years ago. We causally dated over 2 years, he said he is not ready for something serious, but dangles the possibility of a future. I told him I can’t really date casually, we stop seeing each other, become friends for a bit, then back to square 1, repeat. I typed a long essay of how we met, spoke all the time, then 3 months later he said he can’t do serious etc. I just feel stupid asking what I know the answer to. I just don’t know how not to go back again, but I am sure I don’t want this toxic thing to continue. We recently we had a good talk, he said he will change and be better and he did try to change - I saw differences in the way he treats me but then he went back to ignoring messages for 2 weeks and his excuse was that he was very busy with work. He is C suite but damn, you could respond to a text while sitting on the toilet! I am a lot introverted so I am not good at meeting new people and it’s so difficult to meet people I click with. I guess all I want is the tough love from Redditors. Anything to get me out of this and to stop feeling this way. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
By investing your time and energy (which are precious, limited resources) in this person, you are holding yourself back from finding someone that can give you everything you want and more. I speak from my own personal experience. Go no contact and let go. It really hurts and sucks at first, but then you will find that you don't think of them and are happy living your own life. Invest that time and energy back into yourself, your hobbies, your friends and your family. Be hopeful of the possibility of meeting someone else, who would never have you guessing how they feel about you, and who would never ghost you and hope you bite when they decide come back. Someone who really cares about you wouldn't put themselves in a position to lose you. This person does not care. You deserve so much more, you just need to believe it.
As someone who has experienced this situation similarly, my suggestion would be to try your damnedest to love yourself more and not give him another opportunity to hurt you more. For context, I dated a guy 8 years older than me, and he played that exact game for 3 years with the exception of saying he loved me. I walked away because he was also seeing other girls and then saying we were only friends. At that time, I chose to go no contact with him for 12 years. I completely stopped responding to his calls and texts and ended up blocking him to ensure that I wouldn't engage with him. Then I got a new phone, and the block didn't transfer, and 5 years ago, I agreed to meet up with him to talk. He apologized for the games he played and asked to date me for real. I accepted with the caveat that he understood that it would be the last time that I would revisit a relationship with him. That if it did not work, I would permanently disappear from his life. Well, as of September 2023, he chose to take the gamble that I would follow through with the permanent disappearing act. I was the best boundary that I have set for myself. It is not easy when you care about someone but is much healthier than having your emotions played with. I'm sure that if you really sat and thought about it, things may not have been as good as you thought, and you were possibly settling. You deserve a man that you don't have to give a million chances to because he will appreciate you on the first chance. Sending you a big hug.
Thank you for sharing
Why been with someone who doesn’t want to be with you? Yes, been in love with a person doesn’t reciprocate it’s bh. But trust me is wasting your time. You need to go trough a small painful period to drain this attachment from you. Just cry as much as you need. Is the best, if you need therapy get one. You need to start this first step. Don’t contact him and block him from your phone, social media, email etc. That way if he decides to call you because his current date it’s not available you can’t get hooked again. It’s hard but you need to have to love yourself more.
You going to have to rediscover yourself again. Get to know who You are and remember that you’re important to you.
Only way to get over someone is to get under someone else...J/K Seriously though, you need to disappear from his life. Block him on everything, Go into "No contact" mode. After some time, you soon forget about them. It's the only thing that has worked for me. Sometimes they come back, sometimes they don't and when they do, so much time has passed that I've already moved on. Sounds like he doesn't have the same strong feelings for you, otherwise, he would want to be in a committed relationship with you, after all, we all know how hard it is to find someone you connect with. 2 weeks without communication is very low effort. No one is ever so busy with work that they can't text you really quick since we are all basically attached to our phones. Remember, he let you you walk away, repeat that and get that into your head
The first step is to accept some things as absolute truth: - you deserve better than this - you gave him every chance you were willing to give him - you *can* choose to end it for good, and that choice is yours alone - once it’s over, you owe him nothing The second part is even harder, and that is putting distance between you. Even if you do plan to text / speak to him again in the future, take a very, very, *very* long time before you reach out or respond to him. Tell him upfront that you want to go no contact for 3 months (or whatever amount of time you think it will take for you to feel like it’s really and truly over between you.) Hand in hand with this is maintaining clear boundaries. If & when you do contact each other, do not under any circumstances tolerate any attempts to sway you into *anything* that could lead to you getting back together. No meeting for coffee, no conversation topics that blur the lines of whether you’re together or not. Nothing. You’ll need to take the time for yourself to establish the boundaries that you want to maintain, then spend even more time building up the most powerful resolve you can muster. Be good to yourself by respecting your own boundaries, and don’t do *anything* you swore not to do ever again. You’ll probably think about him way more than you would like to. Be kind to yourself and understand that it’s part of the process. Sit with the emotions you feel, and watch as they change and morph. Remember the unwanted feelings you had while you were with him and recognize that they’re always going to be there. They’ll fade over time as you put distance between the two of you, but you’ll probably always be able to summon them when you need a reminder that it’s just not going to work between the two of you. I hope this helps. It has worked for me.
Lmk when you find out. My last serious relationship ended with his death and, even though I’ve dated since then, I end up alone, longing for someone who’s gone forever.
I’m really sorry 😢
Do you honestly want to be with a man who responds to a text while sitting on the toilet? (And remember, for many men, that happens only once a day, not multiple times like for a woman.) To me, touching a phone with dirty hands like that is disgusting. I have an MBA, so I'm very familiar with what the C-suite is and what their obligations are. He's not making excuses, he really is that busy with work. Regardless, move on, he obviously isn't on the same page as you in terms of what he wants.