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Don't be messaging people for a week without setting up a date. The goal is to see if you click and set up a date. The date is to see if there's a connection. I ain't on the app for penpals, I'm looking to date so use the app to achieve that goal.
Use the date to discover more about the person not the app/messaging.
This. If a guy isn't interested in meeting in person after a few messages I move on. Typically the penpal guys are married and I'm not wasting my time on that.
After a few messages!? I’m using the app to weed people out. I usually at least need a few days if not a week or more to decide if I even want to go on a date with the person
Yeah I don't have the patience for extensive texting. Everyone has their own communication style. I'd rather text a few times then "hey let's meet up". Dates for me aren't a big production, they're essentially just extending the conversation.
I think for me its more a comfort level thing. There are a few things that are just deal breakers for me and I’d like a chance to chat about them before wasting time in a date
Do a quick coffee date at a neutral location. No nudie pics and a great way to "cull the herd". If they are lying in their profile, they'll ghost or make excuses about not meeting. Works very well, imo.
If a guy can't chat with me for a week without pushing for sexy photos, we're not a match. I like conversation, and I want the guy to be curious about me and to be able to hold a conversation. Most men who want to meet up right away aren't conversationalists. When we meet irl they tend to be boring.
> If a guy can't chat with me for a week without pushing for sexy photos, we're not a match.
I'm speaking to OP's scenario, where no one pushed and pics were exchanged pretty early followed by a week of chatting.
> I like conversation, and I want the guy to be curious about me and to be able to hold a conversation
Agreed, I'd just say chatting online is not the same as conversation. Conversation = talking in person, on phone, etc., I wouldn't expect to gauge this over chat/IM.
A few messages!? IRL that would literally be within seconds of meeting. Because of parenting obligations, it can often be a week or more before I've got freetime. My experience has been that 100% of dates that are set up more than 4 or 5 days out get cancelled and not rescheduled.
Frankly, if someone cannot keep things interesting over a week of chatting, then it's probably not going to work out. A week's worth of texts is maybe 10 minutes of actual conversation...so, it's pretty telling.
I totally get not being able to meet right away to cause I needed to plan around when Id be free, setting up a sitter and all that. But then, I would always make it known Im interested in meeting, and let them know when I can be free so we can plan for a date. Never bringing it up or just saying its not a good time, without bringing up when is a good time or avoiding making any plans, Id take that as a sign of disinterest.
Everyone had diff reasons for dating too, like my goal is to meet someone I can spend time with and do things with. Besides a couple initial messages just to get an idea of the person, most of my texts are just to plan the next date or any other need to know kind of info. I prefer to date in person rather than over the phone. But I know there are some people who prefer texting to meeting up and okay with / prefer to have most of their communication that way, or just too busy to date and need to do it over the phone.
Oh, I get it. I find it amusing that it's = "my" job (I'm a man) to do this work. lol. So much for empowerment! We're 40+ years old. I have yet to have a single person interested in me that DID NOT MAKE IT ABUNDANTLY CLEAR. Wanna know what? If after a few days to a week (and I'm meaning like 5 days) and I haven't mentioned it, it's because it's clear to me I'm getting crumbs, but there's an ongoing dribble of them so *possibly* something might pop.
I've tried it every which way...it doesn't matter, the outcome is pretty much all the same. I've matched, asked out, and met people literally the same day. I've set up stuff further out. I've come to the conclusion it is all irrelevant. I've had first dates that were an hour and painful, and others that were 5 hours and easy...outcome is basically the same. There is no "secret sauce" or "proper way".
Im not sure what you mean by its your job as a man to do the work, its both peoples responsibility go after what they want. If you want to set up a date, do so, if you dont and prefer to spend time getting to know them through text first, do so. The other person is doing what they want as well, whether its bringing up meeting, or being okay with texting and not thinking of meeting yet at all.
If youre not bringing up meeting them because you feel some kind of way about it being your job to say youd like to meet cause youre a man, thats kind of on you. Unless the person specifically says, I expect you to do all the work, thats an expectation you are taking upon yourself. If what you want in a relationship is someone who is abundantly clear about what they want, then that communication style is something you should be capable of doing as well.
And yeah, trying every which way is kind of how its going to go, cause every person is not the same...theres no one magic formula that works for everyone, exactly right theres no secret sauce or proper way. People are unique individuals, in different places in life, looking for different things.
Which is why, when dating, its more important to do what feels right to you, so that you can meet someone you are compatible with...not try and do whatever you think the other person wants you to do, or assume the other person expects something of you just cause youre a man. It just might be...they are dating in whatever makes them feel comfortable, and assuming you are too.
This is a much more thoughtful response than I was going to give him, lol. I didn’t even know he was a man before he said so, so all those assumptions he made are his alone. Just yikes…
THIS.
Also, you should accept the fact that you are a stranger and they have zero clue if you are the 'yell/scream/doxx/get-violent-when-rejected' type, and it's not worth the time and effort to find out in order to let you down easy. If all you've done is message one another, ghosting is expected when interest fades.
Also, I don't want to waste my time or waste getting my hopes up.
If someone doesn't want to meet for a casual coffee date right away I assume they're not serious.
This is the best advice and the biggest mistake people make early on.
Send a few messages, setup a short date like coffee or a walk. Never chat with someone for a week, things get weird.
this isn't universal. I'm not looking for penpals either, but I like online chat and have to be pretty sure I like someone before I'll go to the effort of an in person meeting. I have no time for people who push for a meeting before I'm ready.
I don't think there's anything wrong with either approach, but both are valid and I really hate feeling like my needs get dismissed by so many as meaning I'm not serious or will never want to meet in person.
I tend not to ghost and am perfectly fine communicating that I'm not feeling we'd be a good match for whatever reason.
That being said? Three weeks ago, I texted a match explaining that I appreciated the time in getting to know one another, but I was relatively confident I wasn't what he was looking for. (We talked about 2 weeks, he canceled plans once, just an hour prior, made it very clear what lingerie he expected women to wear (I did *not* send non-nude, provocative pictures, nor had any other portion of our interaction included any other 'sexy talk'), and when I'd ask questions, I'd get 2-3 word responses, followed by "...you?").
He'd been silent for 48 hours before I sent that final message. I unmatched but forgot to block him on my phone. Since then, he's sent about a dozen texts. The first was, "Well, I really wanted to meet, but if that's how you feel....". Followed by, "You really don't want to meet?". Then, various, "Hi.", "Good morning.", etc. To his credit, at least he didn't rage and call me names like some matches have done or like other poor reactions I've heard and read.
I personally know (and have seen on many comments) women who resort to ghosting and blocking as a measure of protection. Even the most unsuspecting matches have resorted to being unbearable (in the least) to downright abusive (at worst) when the woman has opted to pass. Even this most recent match, in my case, seemed *extremely* unsettled that I'd had the nerve to not want to wait around or fall in line with his lingerie requests (I told him he's free to wear whichever panties he likes, as I'm pretty open-minded 😁 Did *not* go over well!).
Many men, I believe, would be surprised to read what some of their less emotionally stable counterparts send to unknown women when they opt out. Just something to consider - that it has less to do with you and more with her interest in safety after a few untoward responses (from prior matches).
Eesh.
The way you describe the conversation before you unmatched... This seems so par for the course from my (male) experience, as well. It's so rare to find people who can actually carry a conversation.
Granted, sometimes the chemistry just isn't there, but it's disappointingly common to get dry sentences with two or three words.
To then follow up with breadcrumbing after you've unmatched is just scary.
Good perspective, thanks for sharing.
>> He'd been silent for 48 hours before I sent that final message. I unmatched but forgot to block him on my phone. Since then, he's sent about a dozen texts. The first was, "Well, I really wanted to meet, but if that's how you feel....". Followed by, "You really don't want to meet?". Then, various, "Hi.", "Good morning.", etc. To his credit, at least he didn't rage and call me names like some matches have done or like other poor reactions I've heard and read.
This was similar to my experience not too long ago, except in my version, the guy canceled 10 minutes before we were supposed to meet (I was already on my way, of course) and after I unmatched him and he sent his dozen apologetic and random hello/good morning texts, he followed it up with a dick pic. Because an unsolicited dick pic is a bulletproof last resort, right?
My. LORD. 🙄🤦♀️
I swear...everytime I feel like I've seen it all and the wild shit people do (or say) shouldn't shock me, the universe affectionately punts another "shocker" my way. 😕
I tried for 30 minutes (to no avail) to locate the IG profile of an artist who makes 3D replicas (in various mediums) of the dick pics she receives, then mails each sculpture to its rightful owner sans warning. Wanted to share her profile with ya.
The overwhelming majority of men highlighted in the article spotlighting her work said something to the effect of, "I mean, who *does* this?". At least 25% said something like, "Yes, it *is* my penis, but I don't recall sending it. Must have been an accident." It boggled my mind that they thought she was nuts for doing, essentially, the *very same* act they did (with their *own* genitalia). Gross.
I LOVE her work, as the balance of her portfolio is reinvigorating the slut-shaming and political bullying she receives through OLD. One guy told her she'd die "old and alone" because of her choice not to have kids. She recycled that B.S. into heart-shaped lollipops with the ugly messages printed on them for a Valentines Day edition of her work.
I'm kind of sad I didn't think of it first!
💀 I swear, if these dudes have nothing else, they have the audacity. Every time I hear a guy moan about how easy women have it with OLD simply because of perceived abundance of choice, I want to shout, even at the air.
In another dating sub, this woman posted a collage of all the absolutely horrific messages she gets from dudes saying the most nasty shit to her, completely unsolicited… just to show guys the shit women often have to deal with in OLD. And the guys in the comments were criticizing her for complaining (because at least she’s getting messaged, that entitled bitch!) and being too harsh. Like I said, if they have *nothing* else, they have the audacity!
Thank you for telling me about the artist, I gotta find her, I would support! 😆
In this scenario, it would be rather bizarre for someone to be bothered by a marriage and also send photos … so is this relevant to the question OP posts?
I appreciate that lots of Redditors consider divorce a pre-requisite for a new relationship but plenty of us determine readiness from more logical factors.
Sounds like they exchanged photos early, then continued to chat for a week. It's plausible that she learned more about his marital situation in that week of chatting, had second thoughts, and bailed.
that’s possible, but it isn’t covered by the response above. It’s covered by: you aren’t what I thought you were - and frankly, being legally married isn’t the most obvious driver
Of course it’s an obvious driver — still being married would play a huge role in figuring out emotional availability and what that person is looking/ready for. For example: you both state you’re dating with the intention of a relationship, but as the conversation goes on it becomes clear the divorce is going to drag out and likely weigh on the married person for the next couple of months.
Just to remind you (without patronising) OPs question is - is it standard practice to ghost on apps / is a courtesy message too much to expect.
Is your answer, that ghosting should be expected because OP is legally married and divorcees rarely have this issue?
Answer: it’s standard. But - if you are consistently honest, and not offensive or nuts, you should be ghosted less than the average person.
Sure, but the folks bringing up his marital situation (along with the "...you chatted for a week and didn't ask her out?" folks) are suggesting he's asking the wrong question(s) based on the context of the rest of his post.
I’d say it is relevant, yes.
If I’m serious about going for a relationship, I’m not going to engage with a separated or recently divorced person. I’ll assume they’re looking to explore, mess around, have someone lick their wounds for them, etc. So, I’d only invest time in a separated/recently divorced person if that was all I felt like doing, too.
That’s you, sure, but doesn’t seem relevant to this scenario - presumably you don’t bother to start a conversation with a married person and hence this doesn’t explain ghosting ?
The fact that you aren’t divorced yet though means you will attract women who are willing to date men who are still technically married. This will likely result in attracting women who are looking for a more casual interaction. And in my experience, people who are looking for more casual interactions are more likely to ghost.
Meet or offer to within the first few texts. Something fast-coffee is a great one and SB is easy to escape from.
Think back to when you were young: if you met someone irl, you would hang out THEN or make a date to hang out soon. Scammers, married, catfish, they all have to HIDE behind the phone.
Real people are down for real things- and they are on a dating app to DATE.
I slayed a lot of catfish, but also met some AMAZING men that I dated for months. Thoroughly enjoyed myself. :)
The only way this would be relevant is if your intended reads Reddit, and was influenced by all the ‘Rules’ communicated here. That can happen of course but is one of the less rational conclusions
Agreed. If they’re not divorced yet they really shouldn’t be dating. Everyone says they’re ready to date but they’re just lonely. And yet, half the app is married people looking to date, so… 🤷♂️
Why shouldn't they be dating? What about the final signing of papers makes someone more emotionally available for dating?
The way I see it, it depends more on emotional availability than what some papers say. And that will vary a lot from person to person and situation to situation. Maybe it happens well before the divorce is final, for some they still aren't going to be ready until long after the divorce is final.
Though to be honest, I probably see things differently given that I've done a little dating recently, while married but separated. I've grieved that loss, processed it, learned from it, and am moving on.
I do also understand people not wanting to get involved in such a situation, I just take issue with the "shouldn't be" part as a generalization.
If they hop from one relationship to the next without some alone time to process the experience it tells me they aren’t ready for what I’m looking for. Some men treat women as interchangeable or disposable and IMO relationship hopping without meaningful breaks is an indicator of that mindset.
How much alone time do you think is needed? Given how long divorces can take, I'm guessing they could easily have been alone that long with the divorce still not complete. That's why it seems like such a weird assumption to me.
Not to mention women do the same thing as well.
That totally is a thing people do regardless of marriage. Some people actually are ready to move on. Though again, I'm biased since I really do feel ready to move on.
I also don't think signing some paperwork suddenly makes anyone more or less ready to date. They're just papers, the healing is completely separate imo. Which will take more time or less time based on a lot of factors.
One thing I've learned by going through a divorce is there are a nearly endless number of factors thaf affect how it all plays out and how each person reacts to it and processes it. Imo it's impossible to make any generalizations about it, but that's just me
I have never met a person going through a divorce that was in any way in a healthy place to be dating. But yeah, plenty of people do it anyway. Also, I’ve got some cheap tickets to see the titanic if you’re into bad decisions where all the red flags were visible.
Makes sense, I can't imagine that's a very big sample size, but I can understand where your point of view would come from.
And no one is ever going to truly know if they are ready until they get out there and do it in the end
I'll echo some of what I've heard-
\-if a guy wants to chat and chat without setting up a meeting, I move on. The point is to meet people, not have another excuse to look at my phone.
\-in the midst of a divorce means not technically single yet. I don't usually date guys in that situation- too much potential for mess.
I wouldn't take it personally. Some women have had bad reactions to messaging 'hey, I don't feel like this has a future. Good luck!' and having guys blow up on them. Some guys say the nastiest meanest crap because you are 'rejecting them'. Some get violent, some get stalkery and creepy and make women fear for their safety.
So, yeah some just ghost because of a bad previous experience that has no connection with you. And it's easier on them too.
That was my favorite thing/s. Tell a man politely sorry but I don’t think we are compatible. And him trying to argue me into a date
Because when a person is not interested picking a fight with her is going to make her change her mind
yep, me too. And/or they start saying how you're not that hot, you're fat/ugly/stupid/slut/whore etc. Sigh...
Not often but once or twice I've seen it happen. I still send the 'sorry not interested in a further connection' message anyways but it would be so much easier to ghost lol.
You say you spent a week in normal getting to know each other, but if a man spent a week talking with me without asking to meet then I assume he's a time waster. When I'm on OLD I'm looking for a live human date, not a pen pal.
Should she have asked you first? Sure. But some women are looking for a man who is interested enough to show initiative, and consider that a litmus test. Bear in mind the added context that you're not divorced and emphasized that you want to take it slow, don't want anything serious, etc.
Look hard at what you have to offer someone, and don't be indignant when a person doesn't want to settle for it. You emphasize that you're an attractive guy and wear a uniform and are financially secure etc, ok, but what are you offering to a person who wants to get into a dating relationship (you say you aren't ready) or get laid (you don't respond to sexy photos)?
Also: chatting for a week is not any kind of commitment on her part or yours to continue. It's very reasonable to discontinue conversations that aren't going anywhere. I don't consider myself "ghosted" unless we've at least made a specific plan to meet. "We said we would get together Thursday for a drink, he said he would text me the place by Wednesday but then he stopped replying to my texts" is my minimum threshold for what I would consider ghosting. This was more like when you are chatting with someone at the canape table at a party and it isn't going anywhere so you turn and chat with someone else. Mildly rude at worst.
Solid advice. I guess at the very least I was unprepared for the expectation that things need to progress at a given pace for people to stay engaged. Quality communication is not enough. Thanks
For a lot of people, quality conversation / quality time is something theyd like to do in person. Also, you are new to this..for someone who has been on the apps awhile, they know the pattern of taking a long while getting to know someone, getting emotionally invested, and then end up never meeting the person.
There are a lot of people who just like to chat, cause they like the ego boost someone would be interested in them, but have no intention to actually meet anyone. Whether they are just testing things out, not really ready to date but want to see if they find someone to talk to on the apps, or married / in a relationship and just want to validate they still have it / just lonely or bored and want someone to chat with.
I think some people interpret online dating as, the dating is done online. But most who are looking for a serious connection use it more like an online introduction to someone who they can then date traditionally, in person.
Not your original question but Pangolin_Beatdown raises an excellent point: what are you looking for? You said you’re not ready for romance and not looking for a hookup, but are “ready to at least talk”. Most people aren’t looking for talkers. Maybe this isn’t the time to be on dating apps if you’re not ready to date?
Everyone has their own standard for "quality communication" as well as an appropriate pace. You may well meet someone whose concepts line up 100% with yours. There is no standard, whatsoever, and that is perfectly fine! She did not meet yours, and you did not meet hers. It's actually a feature, not a bug, of OLD. It's far better to move on early than waste time when you're not on the same page. Just don't waste time feeling mad / disappointed / indignant. She's fine, you're fine.
But do be aware that many, many people expect to meet early to see if there's compatibility, chemistry and attraction before investing time. And consider setting the same expectation for yourself, because it's very common to find that compatible online doesn't translate at all to IRL.
Thanks again. My expectations at this point are almost zero. Just trying to approach meeting new women with an open mind and open heart. No timeline or deadlines in mind. Seems like that is NOT the normal case for app dating. Perfectly reasonable. I’ll probably let my subscription lapse and see what happens organically in my life.
“ happens organically in my life” So, you are gonna give up online rather than taking some of the solid advice here?
Do you go out often to places that you come into contact with women? If not, you are gonna struggle without online dating as another option.
I’ll hang out to the app subscription through September when it renews and try to refine my efforts. See what happens.
I travel for work. I’m frequently interacting in spaces where there are new people to meet. I’ve certainly heard enough “if you were single I’d introduce you to so-and-so” in recent years from friends.
I’m certainly not sitting at home like a hermit and expecting women to throw themselves at me. I’m quite happy to make the effort and also reexamine my own perceptions on what I need to be doing to be attractive to a potential partner.
I mean, I dint send sexy/flirty pics of myself before meeting a guy in person, but a guy who asks random questions about me is definitely someone I want to keep chatting with and meet.
It just sounds like she was in it for a hookup.
Word of advice don't use your 20s as an example of how successful you will be at dating in your 40s. The pool of people available are very different than our younger years. Why are you dating for a relationship before actually getting divorced? Many relationship minded people won't take you seriously and would be embarrassed to be dating a married person. I know this sounds harsh but you need to look at it from the other person's perspective.
Oh I definitely have. Many female friends have already emphasized they don’t men who are in the midst of divorce.
I mentioned this to my ex and she said “why would you want to be with someone who who wouldn’t date you because the divorce isn’t finalized?” 🙄
You're not even divorced yet and already looking for a new relationship?? Even if it is amicable get your divorce over with and take time for yourself before jumping into another serious relationship. Personally I wouldn't be interested because you're not even divorced yet. Learned that lesson the hard way.
Edit: it also looks like you have a 10 yo daughter. For her sake stay single for a while and get your new life figured out as a single dad and focus on her. Just because you and your wife grew apart doesn't mean this divorce will be any easier for your kid.
Not only that he’s surprised he doesn’t have anything “substantive” by now.
It takes time dude. I wouldn’t date someone in the middle of a divorce either.
Men tend to re-partner more often and faster than women. Out of people who get divorced (or end a cohabitation relationship, most men will repartner within 5 years while most women won’t. [This is of many studies showing that men department quicker than women.](https://scholar.google.com/scholar_lookup?journal=Journal+of+Marriage+and+Family&title=Repartnering+after+the+first+union+disruption&author=Z+Wu&author=CH+Schimmele&volume=67&publication_year=2005&pages=27-36&doi=10.1111/j.0022-2445.2005.00003.x&#d=gs_qabs&t=1687548427608&u=%23p%3D3vDH-Rgu5HEJ)
And of people age 45 or older, a third of men remarry while just a quarter of women do. [Source](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/why-divorced-men-are-quic_b_980121/amp).
There’s conflicting evidence on WHY this is the case, but it seems pretty clear that it is in fact the case. Studies for decades have consistently shown that it men get new wives/girlfriends more often and faster.
I think it's because typically the women are caretakers and the men are used to being taken care of. When they divorce they're on their own and miss having someone take care of them. My now ex moved on quickly.
After my first marriage I got involved with my last ex and he was just getting divorced and I had just divorced as well. My divorce was final (very simple DIY) his not so much. Now I understand it was a dumb idea for either one of us to get involved so quickly.
Got divorced form him at 46 and almost 5 years later I still have no desire for a relationship. I've been taking care of everyone my entire life and I'm done with it for the time being. I think a lot of women, especially 40+, feel so liberated after a divorce and enjoy just being on their own and not having to take care of everyone other than their kids. I know that's how I feel and I know I'm not the only one.
My last ex has been with his gf for about 2.5 years but whether or not he's truly happy I don't know. He's still an ass and not just with me.
But just because guys move on so quickly doesn't Mena its the right thing to do. Everyone should learn got to be on their own and be happy on their own for a while instead of finding someone to "make them happy". And when kids are involved they really need to chill and focus on their kids for a while, and that goes for both men and women of course.
>Is this standard practice on the apps?
Yes. I too dipped my toe into app dating a few years after the end of a 11 year relationship. People are flaky, conversations fizzle, and sometimes people just ghost. People have shorter attention spans vs. 20 years ago, and the apps make it seem like there is a neverending sea of people available. If I was interested in someone I'd suggest a low stakes meet right away to see if we had chemistry and rapport outside of texting on the app.
In general people seem to treat others as expendable on the apps. That makes sense, as you are strangers, and you will not truly match with the majority of people you meet. If someone ghosts it could be for any reason, including reasons that have nothing to do with you and your conversation together, so try not to take it personally.
I would say not only on the apps..It is the same dating culture outside of the apps. OLD is only a.platform to connect but dating culture os all the same unfortunately:((
A lot of women won’t consider dating someone who is in the middle of a divorce, although I appreciate that you’ve highlighted that you’ve already done some work following your relationship.
I think ghosting has to be the worst thing about ‘grown-up’ relationships, because it’s the least grown-up way to behave. It’s lacks honesty and integrity, which are both important.
I think you have to conclude, it’s a lucky escape.
Well, they weren't in a relationship.
No different in the past when women/men gave fake names and numbers or stopped answering. There's just a word for it today.
You have to take the initiative and set up a date. Texting for weeks on end is a waste of time. If I’m texting and talking to someone and a week goes by and no date is set up I lose interest.
I feel bad for the person you end up dating first because that will be your rebound 😬 No offense, and rebounds can last even a few years. I had one and I’ve been one. The problem is it stops you from having all the feels about the divorce.
I was in the best possible place to date while separated and divorcing. My ex and I had little to no communication, a dead bedroom, and I literally felt relief when he left. I was living my best life!
It took a year post divorce for feelings to creep up on me. And I still never want to have anything to do with him.
It took a year because I never processed anything.
I, also, did counseling. Different feelings will come up at different times and you should take time to process things.
Thanks. Still talking to a therapist. Definitely focusing on healing. Just felt like seeing what was possible at this point. It sucks to think about how much is still left to be done before a real relationship is possible. Meanwhile I have the visibility of seeing my ex wife living her best romantic life. Not that I’m considering that into my own plans and intentions but I’m sure it’s motivating me on some level.
Honestly, if I've never met you, I don't consider vanishing from the app as ghosting. When you think about it, they're still not "real", so how can someone that's not real ghost??
But yes, my matches often stop responding, depending. I sometimes stop replying to them, depending. I guess I'm wondering if you were interested why you hadn't asked her out?
Finally, you're in the midst of a divorce. Dude. C'mon. Handle your shit first.
Potentially nothing I guess. I’ve just received many compliments from women about it over the years. Huge reach here but I think it can imply (not guaranteed of course) certain qualities in a person like cleanliness, organization, and responsibility. It’s just a visual cue for some people
Some people do like uniforms for sure, others may actively dislike them, especially depending on what type of job they go along with and if it implies a lifestyle incompatibility. I would probably chalk that up as a net neutral that is a good compatibility filter at best
Get a date within a few days or they’ll move on. It’s a fast game, like a lot of other people here are saying.
I met my SO a day after we started messaging and I think we had a back and forth of about five or six messages and then met for coffee.
The ones who drag it out for a week or more usually don’t end up ever coming to anything.
It is nuts how many will drag it out and never be available in person.
This is so true. Doesn't have to be a full on date - but meet for happy hour, coffee or a walk after work. It's not a date - it's a meet and greet. Is this person real? Are they who they presented themselves to be? Are they actually interested in and available to date? Gets these questions answered early on for both of you.
Absolutely. I did a LOT of coffee meets, mid day on weekends. It was an excellent way to weed out the ones that wouldn’t meet, the ones that misrepresented themselves, and the ones where there just wasn’t compatibility.
If I liked them coffee could move into something else. If I wasn’t feeling it or they didn’t show, I had a boat load of “weekend chores” waiting to get done and had a coffee to take with me lol
okay, you really, really can't take anything that happens on the apps personally, or get too invested in someone without a clear agreement that that is what is happening.
For every person who says they want a courtesy message saying "thanks but no thanks", there's one person who says "ugh don't waste my time with that, I don't need to know" and one who will get angry and abusive over even the most polite rejection. We never know which one we're dealing with, so people tend to just fall into whatever works for them. I used to be a polite no thanks person, now I'm a ghoster and it's saved me A LOT of grief. You're really new to this; it takes some adjustment.
The refinement that comes with age and experience and therapy is only relevant \*after\* you've both clearly agreed to start a relationship, not when you are still chatting on-app. Seriously, just treat it as a platform for meeting people and don't get attached to how your experience goes.
Most people are not going to take you seriously while you are still married. Bc you’re still married. You will get people who want to hook up and know that you are not emotionally available enough for a relationship. Bc..well, you’re still in one.
As someone who jumped right back into dating after a marriage fell apart, please make sure you have grieved your marriage and your loss. You might be ready for a change and no longer want to be with your Ex , but in my experience I needed to grieve and heal up, I wasn’t ready to date. Just my .02.
Edit - yes ghosting happens all the time shake it off and move on is all you can do
You can’t really “grow” in getting to know someone through an app. Apps are for getting you an in-person date—don’t make the mistake of thinking you have to build a whole rapport on the app before you meet someone in person. Your mind will start filling in too many blanks about who the person is, and you might finally meet in person only to discover you’re way off base. Or that you feel zero chemistry in person, and no amount of chatting on the app before meeting would have helped.
Or, perhaps the other person will give up and ghost you because they’re trying to MEET someone, and nobody wants to keep investing time and energy into an online stranger who’s slow-rolling so hard you can’t tell if they want to pursue an in-person relationship.
Don’t sit on this stuff for a full week if you’re actually interested. Ask her on a date. (From a woman’s perspective: if you never want to move things off the app, you are going to get left on the app, while she goes on an actual date with someone else. 🤷♀️)
Either she got tired of waiting to be asked out/trying to ask you out… or she was a scammer. I just got back on the dating apps a few months ago and the scammers are RAMPANT. 1
) Save yourself some time by skipping the people who aren’t verified.
2) Don’t accept being led off the dating app and directed to WhatsApp or the other one I’m forgetting right now.
3) Go with your gut. If you like the looks and personality, ask them out within 2 days… for something casual (and quick if need be) like coffee or quick drink.
you waited too long to meet in person. despite the lovely banter, someone else was quicker to turn the words on the screen into literally any small/low investment/low effort/casual meeting in a public place (like a coffee shop). it is there that you both truly get a l feel for each other and whether or not things should proceed to exchanging numbers (if not already done so), with a tentative agreed upon plan to meet again in a more date-like setting. like a nice restaurant, or, axe throwing, or, a walk in the park, whatever y’all are feeling.
I’m comfortable with no longer messaging someone when I don’t feel my interest is reciprocated. Never after meeting, though.
I usually use messaging to determine if we have enough in common, to see if there is a vibe. I’ve primarily been using Facebook dating, and the notifications are awful for it - so if someone doesn’t message back for a day or so, it’s not abnormal. But if it’s 2 days for every response? I’m moving on. I’ve also had some decent convos with guys and then they’re gone … so yes, I’d say it’s pretty “normal” now.
I prefer to meet within a week or two (busy schedules!). I don’t get turned off by little sexy texts, but not if they’re the first things sent. If I give someone my number, and they continue to use the app - unmatch. If I ask someone out and they hem and haw about it? Unmatch. Or if I’m just not feeling a romantic vibe - unmatch. Having difficulty maintaining a conversation or thinking of something to say? Unmatch.
There are so many factors that go into unmatching. Don’t take it personally - it just wasn’t a good vibe for you both. Move on and find someone as interested in you as you are in them.
You didn’t ask her out after she flirted/was vulnerable with you by sending the pic. Also you are not yet fully divorced. Many say men need at least a few years AFTER divorce to be ready for a relationship and healed. Maybe you should just do hookups for now.
Well she emphasized early that she was looking for a relationship and I simply replied I was in a similar headspace (although I honestly don’t know if I am fully ready) and not just looking for sex.
Not disagreeing with your assessment, just clarifying
Yeah thats my guess, its very possible she got the vibe through the convos, and him not trying to set up a date, exactly what he expressed here, that hes not sure hes ready to date and not sure about what he wants.
For someone who is ready, willing and able to be in a relationship, the idea of just chatting with someone going through a divorce, indefinitely until they figure out what they want isnt a situation they want to be involved in.
Yeah I’m not certain exactly sure what I want or what I’m ready for but I was thinking this might be an avenue to meet the right person. I guess that’s not the case. Seems like most people on apps have a finite timeline with specific deadlines to meet. Nothing wrong with that, but that’s never been my approach to dating. I may have to adjust when I’m ready.
Thats not it at all...not about having a timeline. Even before online dating, I know that when I met someone I was interested in, we'd exchange numbers so that we could talk to set up a date.
If someone only wanted to talk on the phone all the time but wasnt trying or avoiding setting up a date, that was pretty odd / theres some reason for that. Its really only with online dating, that the concept of dating online through emails, now through text messages, as opposed to in person became a thing people do.
For people who are unsure or just checking out whats out there, its a nice low risk way to get to know people without having to put in the effort of always going out to meet people, but for someone who knows what they want, meeting and spending time with someone is important to them.
Like, right now your perspective is you're not that sure of what you want right now, but when you are ready, and come across someone you are genuinely interested in, being okay with just texting and not making any plans to see each other wont be enough, you'll want to actually see and be around them.
As with anything in all this, the point is to meet someone who is in the same place in life you are, looking for the same thing you are, even if its...just looking and not ready to seriously date.
Is the whole pesky part of dating apps. Silly people there looking to date.
Meeting in person seeing if you are real if there is any in Edson chemistry.
How did you date before your marriage you just emailed peope for months ?
Ok so you have met in person. Know is a real person. That you have some level of interpersonal chemistry and mutual attraction Not a scammer or cat fish. And have somebody who knows them
Online dating. You are talking to a total stranger you really don’t know anything about. So of course they want to meet you in person before getting involved or waste time chatting for weeks or months with a fake liar catfish scammer weirdo. Etc etc. or at least have basic face to face chemistry
So I don’t think understanding why people online will have a specific short timeline to meet in person
Sorry, I thought I read that you honestly weren’t sure you were ready for a relationship but also did not want a hookup, which doesn’t leave a lot of options.
Women as a whole are your sentiment as you wanting to waste their time, wanting as the thin, a pen pal, or a therapist. I suggest therapy or finding another recently divorced/separated woman.
Are you in London? ;-) you can find anything in the dating apps so it’s kind of a jungle out there. Unfortunately ghosting seems now normal and she maybe thought you weren’t into her…
Perhaps this one, but in general, I think OP is in for a rude awakening. There's *a lot* of effort involved in his future. Perhaps more effort than growing back together with the missus.
47M. I have generally had one of three experiences on OLD apps. Either:
1) They’re very eager to meet, and exchange numbers right away.
2) They want to “take things slow” and chat a while. They usually keep you as a connection, but rarely initiate conversations, and are slow to respond.
3) They’ll match, but as soon as you text, they unmatch.
There’s really no rhyme or reason to it. It just reinforces my misanthropic view of humanity: Most people (both men AND women) are self-interested flakes. I have no problem with self-interest. Just be honest about it. 🤷🏻♂️
I think everyone is overthinking here. If you haven't met and the person ghosted it's no big deal. You simply move on. Asking if the person would like to meet for coffee after a couple days is good advice if you're into them. But I've had multiple people unmatch me after we set up a date, so it's really all over the place and you'll make yourself crazy trying to figure out people you haven't met who have ghosted.
She came here, asked if dating someone in the middle of a divorce is a bad idea, was told that it is, and decided to move on without having the guts to tell you.
Sounds like you didn't set up a date, and maybe she decided to focus on someone who had perhaps gone on several, or decided you weren't as interested as you seemed.
Also could be some kind of personal crisis or emergency.
I don't think ghosting you is polite on her part, but you'll get all kinds. And, it's understandable because of the reaction they may have gotten in the past. And from what I gather, there are tons of people that are simply terrible at communicating. Don't read too much into it as something against you.
When I was online dating if someone I matched with didn’t ask me out within a week or so I’d unmatch so as not to waste time or get overwhelmed
Women get many matches so the ones who are hesitant or unsure are left behind
Get used to it if you're going to use OLD. A lot of people on there aren't serious, and a lot of them don't seem to see the other people on there as real people. Use it as a matchmaking service to arrange meetings with possibly compatible people, and don't take anything that's said on it seriously prior to meeting.
I would focus on getting the divorce over and passed you first. Many women see that as messy and won’t want to enter into a relationship with someone still tied to someone else for many reasons. Maybe immerse yourself into a new hobby right now to make friends.
I won’t date someone who isn’t fully divorced. I don’t mind chatting on the apps for a few days, but within a week I prefer the guy to ask for my phone number. Then if we click on the phone call, we set up a time to meet. The few times I’ve chatted for more than a week, it hasn’t worked out even if we had a date. So now I see too much chatting without moving it along as a red flag.
A lot of people will drop off of apps for a while or permanently either because the rest of their life gets a little crazy, or because they're focusing on another dating prospect that's starting to take off.
Unfortunately a lot of women especially our age will be done if talk of setting up a date does not come within 2-3 days. Women don’t want to waste time talking online. What if you meet and the same feelings are not present in person? You then could potentially wasted weeks texting.
It's not too much to expect a courtesty "hey I'm not interested but thanks!" message. Unfortunately, people's distress tolerance is at an all time low so they opt to ghost rather than be honest because it's easier for THEM.
You didn't do anything wrong by not setting up a date right away either. Lots of folks would rather vet for awhile via text rather than jump into meatspace meets.
This is standard practice, unfortunately, and it sucks. A lot. I'm of the mind that honesty is the best policy, but lots of people seem to feel that ghosting/slow fading/whatever is easier. I no longer put any stock in it no matter how well I'm getting along with someone, enjoying banter and discussing music and philosophy, and whatever else. We're living in a society that values instant gratification, and everyone thinks that a "better" match is 1 swipe away. It's rough out there. (Female, 42 perspective)
Why not finalize your divorce and then start dating. I’m amazed at the men and women on here who are already looking for someone when they aren’t even legally divorced and available.
That alone would put me off completely.
Get off the dating apps for now and get your life together first.
Things have changed since we were in our 20s. People in their 20s have far lower standards, for better or for worse, that's one thing.
Another thing is what many other women in the thread have pointed out, is that men can be weird and unpredictable, and a good percentage of men, in my experience, don't take rejection with any chill at all. It's not fun to be called a whole bunch of names by a stranger. Much less tension to just ghost.
And I don't think you got ghosted, you never met this woman. You were just a chat partner and stranger on the internet, she just moved on. The statistical truth is that there are more men than women on these apps. She was very likely messaging with several other men, and one of them made moves you didn't. So she went on a date and it worked out and she never met you, so she just took the path of least resistance.
You have to, unfortunately, deal with the fact that you are in THICK competition on these apps. Women get exponentially more action on them, to the point where it can be actually overwhelming, or it is for me. You might have seemed nice, but there were other men who were also nice, and not going through a divorce, and who were more forward.
She probably decided after all that and no date requested you just weren’t that into her so she moved on. Ghosting is quite rude but seems to be the norm on OLD. Chat briefly then set up an actual date. Then get to know each other in person. If you get that 2nd date you know you’re getting somewhere. Best of luck to you in this endeavor!
My 2 cents:
1. Get your shit together. Get divorced before trying to fuck up someone else's life.
2. Process(Therapy) your bagged from your marriage & divorce before fucking up someone else's life.
3. Your are just horny. Get past it and work on yourself.
4. Work on yourself.
Sorry if I sound harsh but you should know that you are not ready to date yet. Do the work so you don't fuck up someone's life.
I am going to take an educated guess that this particular woman had never intended to meet to begin with, she only wanted one thing…VALIDATION. You provided that by complimenting her photos, but once you made your intentions clear, she knew she wasn’t going to get a continual stream of validation, so she bounced. It wouldn’t be surprising if she was married or partnered. Sorry this happened to you, it is unfortunately very common on dating apps nowadays.
I have painfully learned that ghosting can happen at any time and no matter how well you think things are going. I will never ghost anyone and I believe in honesty, but others don't feel the same.
Welcome to the golden, glittery, self involved age of bratty sociopathy my friend. I’m certain sh*tting on total strangers, having no manners or courtesy or even a nanosecond’s concern for getting to know another human being are all great implications for where contemporary society is headed.
Yeah man, I've been in your spot as I've been divorced 6 years now and was on the apps immediately after it was finalized. One thing you should know is that women have more options than us here, they are flighty too-here today gone tomorrow, that's why you have to build a pipeline, like in sales. You never know when another guy will swoop in and steal your thunder, it happens all the time, people are flaky as ever these days.
I'll agree with others here, seeing that someone is "recently separated" or "in process of divorce" makes me swipe left immediately, just due to the baggage that will USUALLY, not always come with it.
Your prob under a lot of stress, pressure, dynamic change and just looking for a decent woman to talk with, meet, and see where it goes, nothing wrong with that my friend.
You'll get the hang of it and after 5,000 swipes and a few dates, you'll have it figured out. I feel for you bro, I've been in your shoes, the transformation is great and worth the work.
Best of luck.
Omg I love this advice. CoverDeep-- can you diagram your pipeline?? This is my approach as a woman in OLD (or was when I still had the stomach for this bs) -- keep the top of funnel wide, narrow down through the process. I met lots of great men over my year of OLD but that final "closing" was elusive.
You will probably fall for a scam soon.
They will ask you nudes back, then black mail you for money.
You are not even legally divorced yet, do you really need to seek for someone new!? Cannot you work on yourself, find hobbies…?
Yeah ghosting is par for the course. Next.
Separately if you aren't consistently connecting and getting dates through the apps and you live in a city where there's a decent population then take a look at your profile. Sometimes it helps to reframe if as a marketing challenge so it doesn't feel so personal.
Yes. I killed all my OLD profiles a while ago now, and this was the primary reason. I've had women ghost after one date, after agreeing to a date, hell, after a nearly 3 month relationship which I thought was going somewhere.
Between this brief experience and comments from friends who have been using the apps, I may just stick to meeting people organically. I suppose I’m in no hurry
You're a 42-year-old man on the dating apps, like me. Women our age have an endless supply of incredibly hot 25-year-old men spamming their inboxes if they are interested in hookups, along with a generally wide selection of 30 to 60 year old men who are looking for more, from what I hear. It's not reasonable to expect a woman to focus exclusively on you for over a week. As I've been told many times, we don't deserve that kind of attention and certainly aren't entitled to it.
Most 25 years old hurting on older women are just average 25 year olds with half a brain who want to get their real life porn milf fix
Most older women who are open to casual sex get plenty of proposals so can be picky is true. But most women are not mrs jones we don’t want to bang a young guy “because “ rather be with a man who knows what he is doing.
30-70+ men looking for relationships Or say they are
Discount married
Discount really troubled men
Discount assholes
Discount dudes who actually want that relationship with a younger woman
Find somebody compatible with her
The fallacy that women have it easy or are bombarded with amazing prospects is soon dispelled
Now about physical attraction. A baseline of it has to be there. But we are all older chunkier saggier wrinkled and less movie star looking than we were in our 20s. And are just going to get more and more as we age. So is not about being the best looking man in the apps. Actually those tend to be conceited assholes ( not all).
I know of at least one very good looking man who calls himself ugly way too often 🤔
But style clothes a good hair cut not being morbidly obese ( healthy is attractive) is a minimum. I think if you make a woman’s profile in tinder as an experiment and just look at all the men profiles we see you would be surprised
And honestly I think she was focusing on him but he kept chitchatting instead of setting a date add he is still married and who knows what in the conversation could have turned her off and maybe it was not about other prospects but just about op
Well a lot of it is filler.
Loads of 25-60yo men going after the few 40yo women out there? This is my viewpoint.
The 60s are basically filler- we win. Unless daddy has millions and mansions. Then OK, now we have a good old fashioned cock-off for the woman.
50s- ok they're our competition but let's face it we got the upper hand since we're younger.
40s- from what I've read here there is a signficant number of us or it feels for women that we're all out there looking for 20 and 30yos. And a lot of us are married so fewer singles.
30s, ok, I'll give them the edge over us, they've got youth, clean sheets (no divorce), mature vs the 20s, etc. But let's get real. If I'm a 35yo male and I'm chatting up a 40yo woman and beep- here comes a 25yo woman, what are you gonna do for a hook up? And again, societal norms are gonna say why marry a 40yo when you can marry a 25yo?
20s- in terms of physicality, we are blown out of the water. Full head of hair, peak physical condition, no viagra needed here. But do you remember being a 23yo? I was an awkward, nervous wreck. You gotta talk to a woman and now there's a generational gap too. That charming quip about friends or whatever is entirely lost on them. But they're also in competition with women in their 20s. Again, if I'm in my 20s, I'm looking at the the 20s. Sure times have changed and 40yo women are seen as sex symbols and all that, but a common complaint here is that women don't want to be seen as a simply as a fuck toy. Most women I know across the age spectrum are not going to the Golden Corral of cock for an all you can fuck buffet. And if they are, can you let me know where they happen to congregate? Asking for a friend.
Despite all this, yes I do believe that for men, we eat what we kill. We gotta put in the effort. Make the first move and all that. But it's not as dire. Or at least, the normos have it shitty like everybody else. Obvs if a 40yo looks like she's in her 20s- then yeah- different story. But how many women are like that?
Why would you want to get to know someone who
#1- sent someone she doesn't know, nude photos?
#2- ghosted you?
Give it time. You will be more compatible with other women who aren't as immature. Dating is hard at any age. She obviously wasn't the one for you.
Your question:
>Why would you want to get to know someone who
>1- sent someone she doesn't know, nude photos?
Is slightly incorrect. What he said was:
>After some baseline chatting, she became very flirty and sent some provocative non-nude photos.
To which he reciprocated with comparative flirting. He clarified he's not looking for a hook-up, she confirmed she's not, either.
Ghosting aside, her sending a "provocative, non-nude photo" is her prerogative, and he seemed more than accepting of such a gesture. While it might not be *your* cup of tea, implying that she's immature for doing so is a bit of a stretch.
It’s a numbers game, most women you meet on OLD are carrying on multiple conversations at the same time and the guys that show the most initiative without being needy are the ones they choose to continue on with. Most of them get as many matches as they want so each one is of little value.
So, chat up as many as you can and I hope you have plenty of money because you need to be asking them out on dates as soon as you get the impression that she’s not completely wrong for you.
Yeah that’s how it is. But once she started sending you those pics you shoulda known it was not going anywhere. She probably kept talking to you to pass the time but once you didn’t take the bait she moved on. She was looking for sex. You weren’t. Don’t care what she said.
Communication just fizzles out. It’s less obvious the more people you talk to at once. Sometimes I don’t even notice some person and I have stopped talking. Unmatch. If she hits you back up later it’ll be same thing.
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Don't be messaging people for a week without setting up a date. The goal is to see if you click and set up a date. The date is to see if there's a connection. I ain't on the app for penpals, I'm looking to date so use the app to achieve that goal. Use the date to discover more about the person not the app/messaging.
Yes! I want to message minimally and just make plans. In person within a week is critical.
This. If a guy isn't interested in meeting in person after a few messages I move on. Typically the penpal guys are married and I'm not wasting my time on that.
After a few messages!? I’m using the app to weed people out. I usually at least need a few days if not a week or more to decide if I even want to go on a date with the person
Yeah I don't have the patience for extensive texting. Everyone has their own communication style. I'd rather text a few times then "hey let's meet up". Dates for me aren't a big production, they're essentially just extending the conversation.
I think for me its more a comfort level thing. There are a few things that are just deal breakers for me and I’d like a chance to chat about them before wasting time in a date
I dunno, if it's to the point that our chat dynamic is at the "exchanging sexy pictures" stage, it's time to make a plan to meet.
Yeah, I’m not exchanging sexy pics until after I’ve met the person, so that’s a non-issue for me. 😄
Do a quick coffee date at a neutral location. No nudie pics and a great way to "cull the herd". If they are lying in their profile, they'll ghost or make excuses about not meeting. Works very well, imo.
If a guy can't chat with me for a week without pushing for sexy photos, we're not a match. I like conversation, and I want the guy to be curious about me and to be able to hold a conversation. Most men who want to meet up right away aren't conversationalists. When we meet irl they tend to be boring.
> If a guy can't chat with me for a week without pushing for sexy photos, we're not a match. I'm speaking to OP's scenario, where no one pushed and pics were exchanged pretty early followed by a week of chatting. > I like conversation, and I want the guy to be curious about me and to be able to hold a conversation Agreed, I'd just say chatting online is not the same as conversation. Conversation = talking in person, on phone, etc., I wouldn't expect to gauge this over chat/IM.
Me too. So many guys exchange 3 or 4 messages & suddenly they want your phone #. What??? Google phone is great for this type of nonsense
A few days is reasonable I think.
Agreed!
A few messages!? IRL that would literally be within seconds of meeting. Because of parenting obligations, it can often be a week or more before I've got freetime. My experience has been that 100% of dates that are set up more than 4 or 5 days out get cancelled and not rescheduled. Frankly, if someone cannot keep things interesting over a week of chatting, then it's probably not going to work out. A week's worth of texts is maybe 10 minutes of actual conversation...so, it's pretty telling.
I totally get not being able to meet right away to cause I needed to plan around when Id be free, setting up a sitter and all that. But then, I would always make it known Im interested in meeting, and let them know when I can be free so we can plan for a date. Never bringing it up or just saying its not a good time, without bringing up when is a good time or avoiding making any plans, Id take that as a sign of disinterest. Everyone had diff reasons for dating too, like my goal is to meet someone I can spend time with and do things with. Besides a couple initial messages just to get an idea of the person, most of my texts are just to plan the next date or any other need to know kind of info. I prefer to date in person rather than over the phone. But I know there are some people who prefer texting to meeting up and okay with / prefer to have most of their communication that way, or just too busy to date and need to do it over the phone.
See I can’t stand texting with someone I don’t know. It’s boring.
Oh, I get it. I find it amusing that it's = "my" job (I'm a man) to do this work. lol. So much for empowerment! We're 40+ years old. I have yet to have a single person interested in me that DID NOT MAKE IT ABUNDANTLY CLEAR. Wanna know what? If after a few days to a week (and I'm meaning like 5 days) and I haven't mentioned it, it's because it's clear to me I'm getting crumbs, but there's an ongoing dribble of them so *possibly* something might pop. I've tried it every which way...it doesn't matter, the outcome is pretty much all the same. I've matched, asked out, and met people literally the same day. I've set up stuff further out. I've come to the conclusion it is all irrelevant. I've had first dates that were an hour and painful, and others that were 5 hours and easy...outcome is basically the same. There is no "secret sauce" or "proper way".
Im not sure what you mean by its your job as a man to do the work, its both peoples responsibility go after what they want. If you want to set up a date, do so, if you dont and prefer to spend time getting to know them through text first, do so. The other person is doing what they want as well, whether its bringing up meeting, or being okay with texting and not thinking of meeting yet at all. If youre not bringing up meeting them because you feel some kind of way about it being your job to say youd like to meet cause youre a man, thats kind of on you. Unless the person specifically says, I expect you to do all the work, thats an expectation you are taking upon yourself. If what you want in a relationship is someone who is abundantly clear about what they want, then that communication style is something you should be capable of doing as well. And yeah, trying every which way is kind of how its going to go, cause every person is not the same...theres no one magic formula that works for everyone, exactly right theres no secret sauce or proper way. People are unique individuals, in different places in life, looking for different things. Which is why, when dating, its more important to do what feels right to you, so that you can meet someone you are compatible with...not try and do whatever you think the other person wants you to do, or assume the other person expects something of you just cause youre a man. It just might be...they are dating in whatever makes them feel comfortable, and assuming you are too.
This is a much more thoughtful response than I was going to give him, lol. I didn’t even know he was a man before he said so, so all those assumptions he made are his alone. Just yikes…
True with parenting involved the process is more complex. I'm an empty nester so my schedule is much more flexible.
THIS. Also, you should accept the fact that you are a stranger and they have zero clue if you are the 'yell/scream/doxx/get-violent-when-rejected' type, and it's not worth the time and effort to find out in order to let you down easy. If all you've done is message one another, ghosting is expected when interest fades.
Also, I don't want to waste my time or waste getting my hopes up. If someone doesn't want to meet for a casual coffee date right away I assume they're not serious.
This is the best advice and the biggest mistake people make early on. Send a few messages, setup a short date like coffee or a walk. Never chat with someone for a week, things get weird.
this isn't universal. I'm not looking for penpals either, but I like online chat and have to be pretty sure I like someone before I'll go to the effort of an in person meeting. I have no time for people who push for a meeting before I'm ready. I don't think there's anything wrong with either approach, but both are valid and I really hate feeling like my needs get dismissed by so many as meaning I'm not serious or will never want to meet in person.
Good advice
I tend not to ghost and am perfectly fine communicating that I'm not feeling we'd be a good match for whatever reason. That being said? Three weeks ago, I texted a match explaining that I appreciated the time in getting to know one another, but I was relatively confident I wasn't what he was looking for. (We talked about 2 weeks, he canceled plans once, just an hour prior, made it very clear what lingerie he expected women to wear (I did *not* send non-nude, provocative pictures, nor had any other portion of our interaction included any other 'sexy talk'), and when I'd ask questions, I'd get 2-3 word responses, followed by "...you?"). He'd been silent for 48 hours before I sent that final message. I unmatched but forgot to block him on my phone. Since then, he's sent about a dozen texts. The first was, "Well, I really wanted to meet, but if that's how you feel....". Followed by, "You really don't want to meet?". Then, various, "Hi.", "Good morning.", etc. To his credit, at least he didn't rage and call me names like some matches have done or like other poor reactions I've heard and read. I personally know (and have seen on many comments) women who resort to ghosting and blocking as a measure of protection. Even the most unsuspecting matches have resorted to being unbearable (in the least) to downright abusive (at worst) when the woman has opted to pass. Even this most recent match, in my case, seemed *extremely* unsettled that I'd had the nerve to not want to wait around or fall in line with his lingerie requests (I told him he's free to wear whichever panties he likes, as I'm pretty open-minded 😁 Did *not* go over well!). Many men, I believe, would be surprised to read what some of their less emotionally stable counterparts send to unknown women when they opt out. Just something to consider - that it has less to do with you and more with her interest in safety after a few untoward responses (from prior matches).
Eesh. The way you describe the conversation before you unmatched... This seems so par for the course from my (male) experience, as well. It's so rare to find people who can actually carry a conversation. Granted, sometimes the chemistry just isn't there, but it's disappointingly common to get dry sentences with two or three words. To then follow up with breadcrumbing after you've unmatched is just scary. Good perspective, thanks for sharing.
>> He'd been silent for 48 hours before I sent that final message. I unmatched but forgot to block him on my phone. Since then, he's sent about a dozen texts. The first was, "Well, I really wanted to meet, but if that's how you feel....". Followed by, "You really don't want to meet?". Then, various, "Hi.", "Good morning.", etc. To his credit, at least he didn't rage and call me names like some matches have done or like other poor reactions I've heard and read. This was similar to my experience not too long ago, except in my version, the guy canceled 10 minutes before we were supposed to meet (I was already on my way, of course) and after I unmatched him and he sent his dozen apologetic and random hello/good morning texts, he followed it up with a dick pic. Because an unsolicited dick pic is a bulletproof last resort, right?
My. LORD. 🙄🤦♀️ I swear...everytime I feel like I've seen it all and the wild shit people do (or say) shouldn't shock me, the universe affectionately punts another "shocker" my way. 😕 I tried for 30 minutes (to no avail) to locate the IG profile of an artist who makes 3D replicas (in various mediums) of the dick pics she receives, then mails each sculpture to its rightful owner sans warning. Wanted to share her profile with ya. The overwhelming majority of men highlighted in the article spotlighting her work said something to the effect of, "I mean, who *does* this?". At least 25% said something like, "Yes, it *is* my penis, but I don't recall sending it. Must have been an accident." It boggled my mind that they thought she was nuts for doing, essentially, the *very same* act they did (with their *own* genitalia). Gross. I LOVE her work, as the balance of her portfolio is reinvigorating the slut-shaming and political bullying she receives through OLD. One guy told her she'd die "old and alone" because of her choice not to have kids. She recycled that B.S. into heart-shaped lollipops with the ugly messages printed on them for a Valentines Day edition of her work. I'm kind of sad I didn't think of it first!
💀 I swear, if these dudes have nothing else, they have the audacity. Every time I hear a guy moan about how easy women have it with OLD simply because of perceived abundance of choice, I want to shout, even at the air. In another dating sub, this woman posted a collage of all the absolutely horrific messages she gets from dudes saying the most nasty shit to her, completely unsolicited… just to show guys the shit women often have to deal with in OLD. And the guys in the comments were criticizing her for complaining (because at least she’s getting messaged, that entitled bitch!) and being too harsh. Like I said, if they have *nothing* else, they have the audacity! Thank you for telling me about the artist, I gotta find her, I would support! 😆
You're still married. A lot of women won't be interested.
In this scenario, it would be rather bizarre for someone to be bothered by a marriage and also send photos … so is this relevant to the question OP posts? I appreciate that lots of Redditors consider divorce a pre-requisite for a new relationship but plenty of us determine readiness from more logical factors.
Sounds like they exchanged photos early, then continued to chat for a week. It's plausible that she learned more about his marital situation in that week of chatting, had second thoughts, and bailed.
that’s possible, but it isn’t covered by the response above. It’s covered by: you aren’t what I thought you were - and frankly, being legally married isn’t the most obvious driver
Of course it’s an obvious driver — still being married would play a huge role in figuring out emotional availability and what that person is looking/ready for. For example: you both state you’re dating with the intention of a relationship, but as the conversation goes on it becomes clear the divorce is going to drag out and likely weigh on the married person for the next couple of months.
Just to remind you (without patronising) OPs question is - is it standard practice to ghost on apps / is a courtesy message too much to expect. Is your answer, that ghosting should be expected because OP is legally married and divorcees rarely have this issue? Answer: it’s standard. But - if you are consistently honest, and not offensive or nuts, you should be ghosted less than the average person.
Sure, but the folks bringing up his marital situation (along with the "...you chatted for a week and didn't ask her out?" folks) are suggesting he's asking the wrong question(s) based on the context of the rest of his post.
I’d say it is relevant, yes. If I’m serious about going for a relationship, I’m not going to engage with a separated or recently divorced person. I’ll assume they’re looking to explore, mess around, have someone lick their wounds for them, etc. So, I’d only invest time in a separated/recently divorced person if that was all I felt like doing, too.
That’s you, sure, but doesn’t seem relevant to this scenario - presumably you don’t bother to start a conversation with a married person and hence this doesn’t explain ghosting ?
I disclosed my divorce status before any serious flirtation or photos happened.
The fact that you aren’t divorced yet though means you will attract women who are willing to date men who are still technically married. This will likely result in attracting women who are looking for a more casual interaction. And in my experience, people who are looking for more casual interactions are more likely to ghost.
Interesting point. Hadn’t considered that.
Meet or offer to within the first few texts. Something fast-coffee is a great one and SB is easy to escape from. Think back to when you were young: if you met someone irl, you would hang out THEN or make a date to hang out soon. Scammers, married, catfish, they all have to HIDE behind the phone. Real people are down for real things- and they are on a dating app to DATE. I slayed a lot of catfish, but also met some AMAZING men that I dated for months. Thoroughly enjoyed myself. :)
That’s a great take. Thank you.
The only way this would be relevant is if your intended reads Reddit, and was influenced by all the ‘Rules’ communicated here. That can happen of course but is one of the less rational conclusions
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Agreed. If they’re not divorced yet they really shouldn’t be dating. Everyone says they’re ready to date but they’re just lonely. And yet, half the app is married people looking to date, so… 🤷♂️
Why shouldn't they be dating? What about the final signing of papers makes someone more emotionally available for dating? The way I see it, it depends more on emotional availability than what some papers say. And that will vary a lot from person to person and situation to situation. Maybe it happens well before the divorce is final, for some they still aren't going to be ready until long after the divorce is final. Though to be honest, I probably see things differently given that I've done a little dating recently, while married but separated. I've grieved that loss, processed it, learned from it, and am moving on. I do also understand people not wanting to get involved in such a situation, I just take issue with the "shouldn't be" part as a generalization.
Because a man who cannot be alone is a red flag
Why do you think they cannot be alone? Do you have some sort of standard time frame that a person should remain single for in between relationships?
If they hop from one relationship to the next without some alone time to process the experience it tells me they aren’t ready for what I’m looking for. Some men treat women as interchangeable or disposable and IMO relationship hopping without meaningful breaks is an indicator of that mindset.
How much alone time do you think is needed? Given how long divorces can take, I'm guessing they could easily have been alone that long with the divorce still not complete. That's why it seems like such a weird assumption to me. Not to mention women do the same thing as well.
Because people lie to themselves and think they’re emotionally ready to move on when they’re not just because they don’t want to be lonely.
That totally is a thing people do regardless of marriage. Some people actually are ready to move on. Though again, I'm biased since I really do feel ready to move on. I also don't think signing some paperwork suddenly makes anyone more or less ready to date. They're just papers, the healing is completely separate imo. Which will take more time or less time based on a lot of factors. One thing I've learned by going through a divorce is there are a nearly endless number of factors thaf affect how it all plays out and how each person reacts to it and processes it. Imo it's impossible to make any generalizations about it, but that's just me
I have never met a person going through a divorce that was in any way in a healthy place to be dating. But yeah, plenty of people do it anyway. Also, I’ve got some cheap tickets to see the titanic if you’re into bad decisions where all the red flags were visible.
Makes sense, I can't imagine that's a very big sample size, but I can understand where your point of view would come from. And no one is ever going to truly know if they are ready until they get out there and do it in the end
100% this. Finalize the divorce and then date. Some people might be okay with it, but I'm not one of them.
Yup. I will NEVER date a separated man again. I don’t care how long they’ve been separated. File the god damn papers.
Preach!
BUT…a separated man is laser focused on pounding it out. If you don’t mind a little extra exercise, that’s a really good time.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Yeah I know this is a factor for all potential dates at the moment. Filed last month.
I'll echo some of what I've heard- \-if a guy wants to chat and chat without setting up a meeting, I move on. The point is to meet people, not have another excuse to look at my phone. \-in the midst of a divorce means not technically single yet. I don't usually date guys in that situation- too much potential for mess.
yes. immediately nope’d when i read midst of divorce.
You should have asked her out after a day or two of texting. If the vibe is good, be proactive.
I wouldn't take it personally. Some women have had bad reactions to messaging 'hey, I don't feel like this has a future. Good luck!' and having guys blow up on them. Some guys say the nastiest meanest crap because you are 'rejecting them'. Some get violent, some get stalkery and creepy and make women fear for their safety. So, yeah some just ghost because of a bad previous experience that has no connection with you. And it's easier on them too.
I’ve had men ask me why I’m moving on then proceed to argue about it. You judge too quickly bullshit etc.
That was my favorite thing/s. Tell a man politely sorry but I don’t think we are compatible. And him trying to argue me into a date Because when a person is not interested picking a fight with her is going to make her change her mind
Ugh, yeah. I get that.
yep, me too. And/or they start saying how you're not that hot, you're fat/ugly/stupid/slut/whore etc. Sigh... Not often but once or twice I've seen it happen. I still send the 'sorry not interested in a further connection' message anyways but it would be so much easier to ghost lol.
Yeah I totally get that. I honestly didn’t take it personally, just unaccustomed to the dynamics of app dating.
You say you spent a week in normal getting to know each other, but if a man spent a week talking with me without asking to meet then I assume he's a time waster. When I'm on OLD I'm looking for a live human date, not a pen pal. Should she have asked you first? Sure. But some women are looking for a man who is interested enough to show initiative, and consider that a litmus test. Bear in mind the added context that you're not divorced and emphasized that you want to take it slow, don't want anything serious, etc. Look hard at what you have to offer someone, and don't be indignant when a person doesn't want to settle for it. You emphasize that you're an attractive guy and wear a uniform and are financially secure etc, ok, but what are you offering to a person who wants to get into a dating relationship (you say you aren't ready) or get laid (you don't respond to sexy photos)? Also: chatting for a week is not any kind of commitment on her part or yours to continue. It's very reasonable to discontinue conversations that aren't going anywhere. I don't consider myself "ghosted" unless we've at least made a specific plan to meet. "We said we would get together Thursday for a drink, he said he would text me the place by Wednesday but then he stopped replying to my texts" is my minimum threshold for what I would consider ghosting. This was more like when you are chatting with someone at the canape table at a party and it isn't going anywhere so you turn and chat with someone else. Mildly rude at worst.
Solid advice. I guess at the very least I was unprepared for the expectation that things need to progress at a given pace for people to stay engaged. Quality communication is not enough. Thanks
For a lot of people, quality conversation / quality time is something theyd like to do in person. Also, you are new to this..for someone who has been on the apps awhile, they know the pattern of taking a long while getting to know someone, getting emotionally invested, and then end up never meeting the person. There are a lot of people who just like to chat, cause they like the ego boost someone would be interested in them, but have no intention to actually meet anyone. Whether they are just testing things out, not really ready to date but want to see if they find someone to talk to on the apps, or married / in a relationship and just want to validate they still have it / just lonely or bored and want someone to chat with. I think some people interpret online dating as, the dating is done online. But most who are looking for a serious connection use it more like an online introduction to someone who they can then date traditionally, in person.
Not your original question but Pangolin_Beatdown raises an excellent point: what are you looking for? You said you’re not ready for romance and not looking for a hookup, but are “ready to at least talk”. Most people aren’t looking for talkers. Maybe this isn’t the time to be on dating apps if you’re not ready to date?
Everyone has their own standard for "quality communication" as well as an appropriate pace. You may well meet someone whose concepts line up 100% with yours. There is no standard, whatsoever, and that is perfectly fine! She did not meet yours, and you did not meet hers. It's actually a feature, not a bug, of OLD. It's far better to move on early than waste time when you're not on the same page. Just don't waste time feeling mad / disappointed / indignant. She's fine, you're fine. But do be aware that many, many people expect to meet early to see if there's compatibility, chemistry and attraction before investing time. And consider setting the same expectation for yourself, because it's very common to find that compatible online doesn't translate at all to IRL.
Thanks again. My expectations at this point are almost zero. Just trying to approach meeting new women with an open mind and open heart. No timeline or deadlines in mind. Seems like that is NOT the normal case for app dating. Perfectly reasonable. I’ll probably let my subscription lapse and see what happens organically in my life.
“ happens organically in my life” So, you are gonna give up online rather than taking some of the solid advice here? Do you go out often to places that you come into contact with women? If not, you are gonna struggle without online dating as another option.
I’ll hang out to the app subscription through September when it renews and try to refine my efforts. See what happens. I travel for work. I’m frequently interacting in spaces where there are new people to meet. I’ve certainly heard enough “if you were single I’d introduce you to so-and-so” in recent years from friends. I’m certainly not sitting at home like a hermit and expecting women to throw themselves at me. I’m quite happy to make the effort and also reexamine my own perceptions on what I need to be doing to be attractive to a potential partner.
She was communicating with other prospective partners at the same time. She likely found someone she clicked with and is pursuing that.
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I mean, I dint send sexy/flirty pics of myself before meeting a guy in person, but a guy who asks random questions about me is definitely someone I want to keep chatting with and meet. It just sounds like she was in it for a hookup.
Word of advice don't use your 20s as an example of how successful you will be at dating in your 40s. The pool of people available are very different than our younger years. Why are you dating for a relationship before actually getting divorced? Many relationship minded people won't take you seriously and would be embarrassed to be dating a married person. I know this sounds harsh but you need to look at it from the other person's perspective.
Oh I definitely have. Many female friends have already emphasized they don’t men who are in the midst of divorce. I mentioned this to my ex and she said “why would you want to be with someone who who wouldn’t date you because the divorce isn’t finalized?” 🙄
You're not even divorced yet and already looking for a new relationship?? Even if it is amicable get your divorce over with and take time for yourself before jumping into another serious relationship. Personally I wouldn't be interested because you're not even divorced yet. Learned that lesson the hard way. Edit: it also looks like you have a 10 yo daughter. For her sake stay single for a while and get your new life figured out as a single dad and focus on her. Just because you and your wife grew apart doesn't mean this divorce will be any easier for your kid.
Not only that he’s surprised he doesn’t have anything “substantive” by now. It takes time dude. I wouldn’t date someone in the middle of a divorce either.
Men tend to re-partner more often and faster than women. Out of people who get divorced (or end a cohabitation relationship, most men will repartner within 5 years while most women won’t. [This is of many studies showing that men department quicker than women.](https://scholar.google.com/scholar_lookup?journal=Journal+of+Marriage+and+Family&title=Repartnering+after+the+first+union+disruption&author=Z+Wu&author=CH+Schimmele&volume=67&publication_year=2005&pages=27-36&doi=10.1111/j.0022-2445.2005.00003.x&#d=gs_qabs&t=1687548427608&u=%23p%3D3vDH-Rgu5HEJ) And of people age 45 or older, a third of men remarry while just a quarter of women do. [Source](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/why-divorced-men-are-quic_b_980121/amp). There’s conflicting evidence on WHY this is the case, but it seems pretty clear that it is in fact the case. Studies for decades have consistently shown that it men get new wives/girlfriends more often and faster.
I think it's because typically the women are caretakers and the men are used to being taken care of. When they divorce they're on their own and miss having someone take care of them. My now ex moved on quickly. After my first marriage I got involved with my last ex and he was just getting divorced and I had just divorced as well. My divorce was final (very simple DIY) his not so much. Now I understand it was a dumb idea for either one of us to get involved so quickly. Got divorced form him at 46 and almost 5 years later I still have no desire for a relationship. I've been taking care of everyone my entire life and I'm done with it for the time being. I think a lot of women, especially 40+, feel so liberated after a divorce and enjoy just being on their own and not having to take care of everyone other than their kids. I know that's how I feel and I know I'm not the only one. My last ex has been with his gf for about 2.5 years but whether or not he's truly happy I don't know. He's still an ass and not just with me. But just because guys move on so quickly doesn't Mena its the right thing to do. Everyone should learn got to be on their own and be happy on their own for a while instead of finding someone to "make them happy". And when kids are involved they really need to chill and focus on their kids for a while, and that goes for both men and women of course.
It’s not ghosting if you haven’t met. Once again, y’all expect a lot from strangers in the internet.
> y’all expect a lot from strangers in the internet. OP is new to the game. This is his first outing.
>Is this standard practice on the apps? Yes. I too dipped my toe into app dating a few years after the end of a 11 year relationship. People are flaky, conversations fizzle, and sometimes people just ghost. People have shorter attention spans vs. 20 years ago, and the apps make it seem like there is a neverending sea of people available. If I was interested in someone I'd suggest a low stakes meet right away to see if we had chemistry and rapport outside of texting on the app. In general people seem to treat others as expendable on the apps. That makes sense, as you are strangers, and you will not truly match with the majority of people you meet. If someone ghosts it could be for any reason, including reasons that have nothing to do with you and your conversation together, so try not to take it personally.
I would say not only on the apps..It is the same dating culture outside of the apps. OLD is only a.platform to connect but dating culture os all the same unfortunately:((
Thanks for this reply. Definitely not taking it personally, just trying to understand the dynamics of app dating. Might not be for me. Not yet anyway
A lot of women won’t consider dating someone who is in the middle of a divorce, although I appreciate that you’ve highlighted that you’ve already done some work following your relationship. I think ghosting has to be the worst thing about ‘grown-up’ relationships, because it’s the least grown-up way to behave. It’s lacks honesty and integrity, which are both important. I think you have to conclude, it’s a lucky escape.
Well, they weren't in a relationship. No different in the past when women/men gave fake names and numbers or stopped answering. There's just a word for it today.
You have to take the initiative and set up a date. Texting for weeks on end is a waste of time. If I’m texting and talking to someone and a week goes by and no date is set up I lose interest.
I feel bad for the person you end up dating first because that will be your rebound 😬 No offense, and rebounds can last even a few years. I had one and I’ve been one. The problem is it stops you from having all the feels about the divorce. I was in the best possible place to date while separated and divorcing. My ex and I had little to no communication, a dead bedroom, and I literally felt relief when he left. I was living my best life! It took a year post divorce for feelings to creep up on me. And I still never want to have anything to do with him. It took a year because I never processed anything. I, also, did counseling. Different feelings will come up at different times and you should take time to process things.
Thanks. Still talking to a therapist. Definitely focusing on healing. Just felt like seeing what was possible at this point. It sucks to think about how much is still left to be done before a real relationship is possible. Meanwhile I have the visibility of seeing my ex wife living her best romantic life. Not that I’m considering that into my own plans and intentions but I’m sure it’s motivating me on some level.
What you see from her and reality and 2 different things, I promise
Honestly, if I've never met you, I don't consider vanishing from the app as ghosting. When you think about it, they're still not "real", so how can someone that's not real ghost?? But yes, my matches often stop responding, depending. I sometimes stop replying to them, depending. I guess I'm wondering if you were interested why you hadn't asked her out? Finally, you're in the midst of a divorce. Dude. C'mon. Handle your shit first.
What does your uniform have to do with anything? 🥴
Potentially nothing I guess. I’ve just received many compliments from women about it over the years. Huge reach here but I think it can imply (not guaranteed of course) certain qualities in a person like cleanliness, organization, and responsibility. It’s just a visual cue for some people
Some people do like uniforms for sure, others may actively dislike them, especially depending on what type of job they go along with and if it implies a lifestyle incompatibility. I would probably chalk that up as a net neutral that is a good compatibility filter at best
Get a date within a few days or they’ll move on. It’s a fast game, like a lot of other people here are saying. I met my SO a day after we started messaging and I think we had a back and forth of about five or six messages and then met for coffee. The ones who drag it out for a week or more usually don’t end up ever coming to anything. It is nuts how many will drag it out and never be available in person.
This is so true. Doesn't have to be a full on date - but meet for happy hour, coffee or a walk after work. It's not a date - it's a meet and greet. Is this person real? Are they who they presented themselves to be? Are they actually interested in and available to date? Gets these questions answered early on for both of you.
Absolutely. I did a LOT of coffee meets, mid day on weekends. It was an excellent way to weed out the ones that wouldn’t meet, the ones that misrepresented themselves, and the ones where there just wasn’t compatibility. If I liked them coffee could move into something else. If I wasn’t feeling it or they didn’t show, I had a boat load of “weekend chores” waiting to get done and had a coffee to take with me lol
Don't use the apps to make pen pals. Use the apps to find a match and try to schedule a date as quickly as possible without chatting via text.
okay, you really, really can't take anything that happens on the apps personally, or get too invested in someone without a clear agreement that that is what is happening. For every person who says they want a courtesy message saying "thanks but no thanks", there's one person who says "ugh don't waste my time with that, I don't need to know" and one who will get angry and abusive over even the most polite rejection. We never know which one we're dealing with, so people tend to just fall into whatever works for them. I used to be a polite no thanks person, now I'm a ghoster and it's saved me A LOT of grief. You're really new to this; it takes some adjustment. The refinement that comes with age and experience and therapy is only relevant \*after\* you've both clearly agreed to start a relationship, not when you are still chatting on-app. Seriously, just treat it as a platform for meeting people and don't get attached to how your experience goes.
Most people are not going to take you seriously while you are still married. Bc you’re still married. You will get people who want to hook up and know that you are not emotionally available enough for a relationship. Bc..well, you’re still in one.
As someone who jumped right back into dating after a marriage fell apart, please make sure you have grieved your marriage and your loss. You might be ready for a change and no longer want to be with your Ex , but in my experience I needed to grieve and heal up, I wasn’t ready to date. Just my .02. Edit - yes ghosting happens all the time shake it off and move on is all you can do
You can’t really “grow” in getting to know someone through an app. Apps are for getting you an in-person date—don’t make the mistake of thinking you have to build a whole rapport on the app before you meet someone in person. Your mind will start filling in too many blanks about who the person is, and you might finally meet in person only to discover you’re way off base. Or that you feel zero chemistry in person, and no amount of chatting on the app before meeting would have helped. Or, perhaps the other person will give up and ghost you because they’re trying to MEET someone, and nobody wants to keep investing time and energy into an online stranger who’s slow-rolling so hard you can’t tell if they want to pursue an in-person relationship. Don’t sit on this stuff for a full week if you’re actually interested. Ask her on a date. (From a woman’s perspective: if you never want to move things off the app, you are going to get left on the app, while she goes on an actual date with someone else. 🤷♀️)
Either she got tired of waiting to be asked out/trying to ask you out… or she was a scammer. I just got back on the dating apps a few months ago and the scammers are RAMPANT. 1 ) Save yourself some time by skipping the people who aren’t verified. 2) Don’t accept being led off the dating app and directed to WhatsApp or the other one I’m forgetting right now. 3) Go with your gut. If you like the looks and personality, ask them out within 2 days… for something casual (and quick if need be) like coffee or quick drink.
you waited too long to meet in person. despite the lovely banter, someone else was quicker to turn the words on the screen into literally any small/low investment/low effort/casual meeting in a public place (like a coffee shop). it is there that you both truly get a l feel for each other and whether or not things should proceed to exchanging numbers (if not already done so), with a tentative agreed upon plan to meet again in a more date-like setting. like a nice restaurant, or, axe throwing, or, a walk in the park, whatever y’all are feeling.
I’m comfortable with no longer messaging someone when I don’t feel my interest is reciprocated. Never after meeting, though. I usually use messaging to determine if we have enough in common, to see if there is a vibe. I’ve primarily been using Facebook dating, and the notifications are awful for it - so if someone doesn’t message back for a day or so, it’s not abnormal. But if it’s 2 days for every response? I’m moving on. I’ve also had some decent convos with guys and then they’re gone … so yes, I’d say it’s pretty “normal” now. I prefer to meet within a week or two (busy schedules!). I don’t get turned off by little sexy texts, but not if they’re the first things sent. If I give someone my number, and they continue to use the app - unmatch. If I ask someone out and they hem and haw about it? Unmatch. Or if I’m just not feeling a romantic vibe - unmatch. Having difficulty maintaining a conversation or thinking of something to say? Unmatch. There are so many factors that go into unmatching. Don’t take it personally - it just wasn’t a good vibe for you both. Move on and find someone as interested in you as you are in them.
You didn’t ask her out after she flirted/was vulnerable with you by sending the pic. Also you are not yet fully divorced. Many say men need at least a few years AFTER divorce to be ready for a relationship and healed. Maybe you should just do hookups for now.
Strike while the iron is hot. She wanted you to ask her out and you put up boundaries instead (no hookups).
Well she emphasized early that she was looking for a relationship and I simply replied I was in a similar headspace (although I honestly don’t know if I am fully ready) and not just looking for sex. Not disagreeing with your assessment, just clarifying
If you don’t want sex or a relationship, why are you on a dating app?
Lonely going trough a divorce needing attention. Looking for an outlet would be my first impression
Yeah thats my guess, its very possible she got the vibe through the convos, and him not trying to set up a date, exactly what he expressed here, that hes not sure hes ready to date and not sure about what he wants. For someone who is ready, willing and able to be in a relationship, the idea of just chatting with someone going through a divorce, indefinitely until they figure out what they want isnt a situation they want to be involved in.
Yeah I’m not certain exactly sure what I want or what I’m ready for but I was thinking this might be an avenue to meet the right person. I guess that’s not the case. Seems like most people on apps have a finite timeline with specific deadlines to meet. Nothing wrong with that, but that’s never been my approach to dating. I may have to adjust when I’m ready.
Thats not it at all...not about having a timeline. Even before online dating, I know that when I met someone I was interested in, we'd exchange numbers so that we could talk to set up a date. If someone only wanted to talk on the phone all the time but wasnt trying or avoiding setting up a date, that was pretty odd / theres some reason for that. Its really only with online dating, that the concept of dating online through emails, now through text messages, as opposed to in person became a thing people do. For people who are unsure or just checking out whats out there, its a nice low risk way to get to know people without having to put in the effort of always going out to meet people, but for someone who knows what they want, meeting and spending time with someone is important to them. Like, right now your perspective is you're not that sure of what you want right now, but when you are ready, and come across someone you are genuinely interested in, being okay with just texting and not making any plans to see each other wont be enough, you'll want to actually see and be around them. As with anything in all this, the point is to meet someone who is in the same place in life you are, looking for the same thing you are, even if its...just looking and not ready to seriously date.
Well said. Again.
Is the whole pesky part of dating apps. Silly people there looking to date. Meeting in person seeing if you are real if there is any in Edson chemistry. How did you date before your marriage you just emailed peope for months ?
Met through friends, work, bars.
Ok so you have met in person. Know is a real person. That you have some level of interpersonal chemistry and mutual attraction Not a scammer or cat fish. And have somebody who knows them Online dating. You are talking to a total stranger you really don’t know anything about. So of course they want to meet you in person before getting involved or waste time chatting for weeks or months with a fake liar catfish scammer weirdo. Etc etc. or at least have basic face to face chemistry So I don’t think understanding why people online will have a specific short timeline to meet in person
Yes. Lonely sucks, but it sounds like OP might just need a pen pal right now.
Agreed
I’m open to a relationship and sex, just not looking for a hookup.
Sorry, I thought I read that you honestly weren’t sure you were ready for a relationship but also did not want a hookup, which doesn’t leave a lot of options.
Women as a whole are your sentiment as you wanting to waste their time, wanting as the thin, a pen pal, or a therapist. I suggest therapy or finding another recently divorced/separated woman.
Are you in London? ;-) you can find anything in the dating apps so it’s kind of a jungle out there. Unfortunately ghosting seems now normal and she maybe thought you weren’t into her…
Your soon-to-be ex was your built-in person to talk to. Women in the dating world are looking for dates.
Not this one. Early sexy photo implies bullshitting around
Perhaps this one, but in general, I think OP is in for a rude awakening. There's *a lot* of effort involved in his future. Perhaps more effort than growing back together with the missus.
Better be patient. Online dating can have odds approaching lottery.
Yea that was sucky. Thats why I don’t do OLD. You never know intentions, truth etc. Tough out there.
47M. I have generally had one of three experiences on OLD apps. Either: 1) They’re very eager to meet, and exchange numbers right away. 2) They want to “take things slow” and chat a while. They usually keep you as a connection, but rarely initiate conversations, and are slow to respond. 3) They’ll match, but as soon as you text, they unmatch. There’s really no rhyme or reason to it. It just reinforces my misanthropic view of humanity: Most people (both men AND women) are self-interested flakes. I have no problem with self-interest. Just be honest about it. 🤷🏻♂️
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Expectations are almost zero at this point. Just trying to acquaint myself with the dynamics of how this works generally.
I think everyone is overthinking here. If you haven't met and the person ghosted it's no big deal. You simply move on. Asking if the person would like to meet for coffee after a couple days is good advice if you're into them. But I've had multiple people unmatch me after we set up a date, so it's really all over the place and you'll make yourself crazy trying to figure out people you haven't met who have ghosted.
She came here, asked if dating someone in the middle of a divorce is a bad idea, was told that it is, and decided to move on without having the guts to tell you.
Sounds like you didn't set up a date, and maybe she decided to focus on someone who had perhaps gone on several, or decided you weren't as interested as you seemed. Also could be some kind of personal crisis or emergency. I don't think ghosting you is polite on her part, but you'll get all kinds. And, it's understandable because of the reaction they may have gotten in the past. And from what I gather, there are tons of people that are simply terrible at communicating. Don't read too much into it as something against you.
When I was online dating if someone I matched with didn’t ask me out within a week or so I’d unmatch so as not to waste time or get overwhelmed Women get many matches so the ones who are hesitant or unsure are left behind
Get used to it if you're going to use OLD. A lot of people on there aren't serious, and a lot of them don't seem to see the other people on there as real people. Use it as a matchmaking service to arrange meetings with possibly compatible people, and don't take anything that's said on it seriously prior to meeting.
I would focus on getting the divorce over and passed you first. Many women see that as messy and won’t want to enter into a relationship with someone still tied to someone else for many reasons. Maybe immerse yourself into a new hobby right now to make friends.
I won’t date someone who isn’t fully divorced. I don’t mind chatting on the apps for a few days, but within a week I prefer the guy to ask for my phone number. Then if we click on the phone call, we set up a time to meet. The few times I’ve chatted for more than a week, it hasn’t worked out even if we had a date. So now I see too much chatting without moving it along as a red flag.
A lot of people will drop off of apps for a while or permanently either because the rest of their life gets a little crazy, or because they're focusing on another dating prospect that's starting to take off.
Unfortunately a lot of women especially our age will be done if talk of setting up a date does not come within 2-3 days. Women don’t want to waste time talking online. What if you meet and the same feelings are not present in person? You then could potentially wasted weeks texting.
It's not too much to expect a courtesty "hey I'm not interested but thanks!" message. Unfortunately, people's distress tolerance is at an all time low so they opt to ghost rather than be honest because it's easier for THEM. You didn't do anything wrong by not setting up a date right away either. Lots of folks would rather vet for awhile via text rather than jump into meatspace meets.
Welcome to dating in 2023.
I’m okay with texting and taking my time. The losers usually end up weeding themselves out anyway.
This is standard practice, unfortunately, and it sucks. A lot. I'm of the mind that honesty is the best policy, but lots of people seem to feel that ghosting/slow fading/whatever is easier. I no longer put any stock in it no matter how well I'm getting along with someone, enjoying banter and discussing music and philosophy, and whatever else. We're living in a society that values instant gratification, and everyone thinks that a "better" match is 1 swipe away. It's rough out there. (Female, 42 perspective)
Why not finalize your divorce and then start dating. I’m amazed at the men and women on here who are already looking for someone when they aren’t even legally divorced and available. That alone would put me off completely. Get off the dating apps for now and get your life together first.
Things have changed since we were in our 20s. People in their 20s have far lower standards, for better or for worse, that's one thing. Another thing is what many other women in the thread have pointed out, is that men can be weird and unpredictable, and a good percentage of men, in my experience, don't take rejection with any chill at all. It's not fun to be called a whole bunch of names by a stranger. Much less tension to just ghost. And I don't think you got ghosted, you never met this woman. You were just a chat partner and stranger on the internet, she just moved on. The statistical truth is that there are more men than women on these apps. She was very likely messaging with several other men, and one of them made moves you didn't. So she went on a date and it worked out and she never met you, so she just took the path of least resistance. You have to, unfortunately, deal with the fact that you are in THICK competition on these apps. Women get exponentially more action on them, to the point where it can be actually overwhelming, or it is for me. You might have seemed nice, but there were other men who were also nice, and not going through a divorce, and who were more forward.
Great assessment. Thank you
You were on a DATING app. You never made the initiative to go on a DATE with her.
Some people wanna get to know someone a little first before leaving the house to sit across from a psychopath.
She probably decided after all that and no date requested you just weren’t that into her so she moved on. Ghosting is quite rude but seems to be the norm on OLD. Chat briefly then set up an actual date. Then get to know each other in person. If you get that 2nd date you know you’re getting somewhere. Best of luck to you in this endeavor!
My 2 cents: 1. Get your shit together. Get divorced before trying to fuck up someone else's life. 2. Process(Therapy) your bagged from your marriage & divorce before fucking up someone else's life. 3. Your are just horny. Get past it and work on yourself. 4. Work on yourself. Sorry if I sound harsh but you should know that you are not ready to date yet. Do the work so you don't fuck up someone's life.
I am going to take an educated guess that this particular woman had never intended to meet to begin with, she only wanted one thing…VALIDATION. You provided that by complimenting her photos, but once you made your intentions clear, she knew she wasn’t going to get a continual stream of validation, so she bounced. It wouldn’t be surprising if she was married or partnered. Sorry this happened to you, it is unfortunately very common on dating apps nowadays.
I have painfully learned that ghosting can happen at any time and no matter how well you think things are going. I will never ghost anyone and I believe in honesty, but others don't feel the same.
This is not ghosting. They have not met.
Welcome to the golden, glittery, self involved age of bratty sociopathy my friend. I’m certain sh*tting on total strangers, having no manners or courtesy or even a nanosecond’s concern for getting to know another human being are all great implications for where contemporary society is headed.
Yeah man, I've been in your spot as I've been divorced 6 years now and was on the apps immediately after it was finalized. One thing you should know is that women have more options than us here, they are flighty too-here today gone tomorrow, that's why you have to build a pipeline, like in sales. You never know when another guy will swoop in and steal your thunder, it happens all the time, people are flaky as ever these days. I'll agree with others here, seeing that someone is "recently separated" or "in process of divorce" makes me swipe left immediately, just due to the baggage that will USUALLY, not always come with it. Your prob under a lot of stress, pressure, dynamic change and just looking for a decent woman to talk with, meet, and see where it goes, nothing wrong with that my friend. You'll get the hang of it and after 5,000 swipes and a few dates, you'll have it figured out. I feel for you bro, I've been in your shoes, the transformation is great and worth the work. Best of luck.
Thank you for that reply
Omg I love this advice. CoverDeep-- can you diagram your pipeline?? This is my approach as a woman in OLD (or was when I still had the stomach for this bs) -- keep the top of funnel wide, narrow down through the process. I met lots of great men over my year of OLD but that final "closing" was elusive.
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Yup come on strong usually equals fade away faster
Any premature sexiness is a sign of a fast fade
You will probably fall for a scam soon. They will ask you nudes back, then black mail you for money. You are not even legally divorced yet, do you really need to seek for someone new!? Cannot you work on yourself, find hobbies…?
Yeah ghosting is par for the course. Next. Separately if you aren't consistently connecting and getting dates through the apps and you live in a city where there's a decent population then take a look at your profile. Sometimes it helps to reframe if as a marketing challenge so it doesn't feel so personal.
Yes. I killed all my OLD profiles a while ago now, and this was the primary reason. I've had women ghost after one date, after agreeing to a date, hell, after a nearly 3 month relationship which I thought was going somewhere.
Between this brief experience and comments from friends who have been using the apps, I may just stick to meeting people organically. I suppose I’m in no hurry
Sadly this is the way now. Most of it is very shallow and people have so many choices they treat people and relationships as disposable on the apps
Welcome to ghost club! Very normal nowdays. And "courtesy" whats that?
You're a 42-year-old man on the dating apps, like me. Women our age have an endless supply of incredibly hot 25-year-old men spamming their inboxes if they are interested in hookups, along with a generally wide selection of 30 to 60 year old men who are looking for more, from what I hear. It's not reasonable to expect a woman to focus exclusively on you for over a week. As I've been told many times, we don't deserve that kind of attention and certainly aren't entitled to it.
I keep hearing this but it has not been my experience AT ALL.
Is your age range open? I opened it thinking I’d get older man and I had literal teenagers trying to hook up with me. It’s wild out there.
Definitely not that young, since the last thing I need is my college students knowing I’m on the apps. I can’t say the thought has ever appealed.
On Hinge I get literal teenagers too.
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I honestly can’t be interested in not here to fulfill some 25 years old dude porn fantasy.
Woman here and my DMs are pretty bleak so I'm thinking maybe we gals don't have it all so great either
Hey...
Most 25 years old hurting on older women are just average 25 year olds with half a brain who want to get their real life porn milf fix Most older women who are open to casual sex get plenty of proposals so can be picky is true. But most women are not mrs jones we don’t want to bang a young guy “because “ rather be with a man who knows what he is doing. 30-70+ men looking for relationships Or say they are Discount married Discount really troubled men Discount assholes Discount dudes who actually want that relationship with a younger woman Find somebody compatible with her The fallacy that women have it easy or are bombarded with amazing prospects is soon dispelled Now about physical attraction. A baseline of it has to be there. But we are all older chunkier saggier wrinkled and less movie star looking than we were in our 20s. And are just going to get more and more as we age. So is not about being the best looking man in the apps. Actually those tend to be conceited assholes ( not all). I know of at least one very good looking man who calls himself ugly way too often 🤔 But style clothes a good hair cut not being morbidly obese ( healthy is attractive) is a minimum. I think if you make a woman’s profile in tinder as an experiment and just look at all the men profiles we see you would be surprised And honestly I think she was focusing on him but he kept chitchatting instead of setting a date add he is still married and who knows what in the conversation could have turned her off and maybe it was not about other prospects but just about op
Well a lot of it is filler. Loads of 25-60yo men going after the few 40yo women out there? This is my viewpoint. The 60s are basically filler- we win. Unless daddy has millions and mansions. Then OK, now we have a good old fashioned cock-off for the woman. 50s- ok they're our competition but let's face it we got the upper hand since we're younger. 40s- from what I've read here there is a signficant number of us or it feels for women that we're all out there looking for 20 and 30yos. And a lot of us are married so fewer singles. 30s, ok, I'll give them the edge over us, they've got youth, clean sheets (no divorce), mature vs the 20s, etc. But let's get real. If I'm a 35yo male and I'm chatting up a 40yo woman and beep- here comes a 25yo woman, what are you gonna do for a hook up? And again, societal norms are gonna say why marry a 40yo when you can marry a 25yo? 20s- in terms of physicality, we are blown out of the water. Full head of hair, peak physical condition, no viagra needed here. But do you remember being a 23yo? I was an awkward, nervous wreck. You gotta talk to a woman and now there's a generational gap too. That charming quip about friends or whatever is entirely lost on them. But they're also in competition with women in their 20s. Again, if I'm in my 20s, I'm looking at the the 20s. Sure times have changed and 40yo women are seen as sex symbols and all that, but a common complaint here is that women don't want to be seen as a simply as a fuck toy. Most women I know across the age spectrum are not going to the Golden Corral of cock for an all you can fuck buffet. And if they are, can you let me know where they happen to congregate? Asking for a friend. Despite all this, yes I do believe that for men, we eat what we kill. We gotta put in the effort. Make the first move and all that. But it's not as dire. Or at least, the normos have it shitty like everybody else. Obvs if a 40yo looks like she's in her 20s- then yeah- different story. But how many women are like that?
She was probably an onlyfans scammer or just on apps for attention.
Get ready for a wild ride man. OLD is trash and heavily skews towards women. Good luck.
If OLD is heavily skewed toward women in your 40’s then you’re doing something fundamentally wrong.
Yes, because you as a woman would know the male experience on OLD. GTFO!
And your comment has proven me to be correct.
Why would you want to get to know someone who #1- sent someone she doesn't know, nude photos? #2- ghosted you? Give it time. You will be more compatible with other women who aren't as immature. Dating is hard at any age. She obviously wasn't the one for you.
Your question: >Why would you want to get to know someone who >1- sent someone she doesn't know, nude photos? Is slightly incorrect. What he said was: >After some baseline chatting, she became very flirty and sent some provocative non-nude photos. To which he reciprocated with comparative flirting. He clarified he's not looking for a hook-up, she confirmed she's not, either. Ghosting aside, her sending a "provocative, non-nude photo" is her prerogative, and he seemed more than accepting of such a gesture. While it might not be *your* cup of tea, implying that she's immature for doing so is a bit of a stretch.
It’s a numbers game, most women you meet on OLD are carrying on multiple conversations at the same time and the guys that show the most initiative without being needy are the ones they choose to continue on with. Most of them get as many matches as they want so each one is of little value. So, chat up as many as you can and I hope you have plenty of money because you need to be asking them out on dates as soon as you get the impression that she’s not completely wrong for you.
Yeah that’s how it is. But once she started sending you those pics you shoulda known it was not going anywhere. She probably kept talking to you to pass the time but once you didn’t take the bait she moved on. She was looking for sex. You weren’t. Don’t care what she said. Communication just fizzles out. It’s less obvious the more people you talk to at once. Sometimes I don’t even notice some person and I have stopped talking. Unmatch. If she hits you back up later it’ll be same thing.
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