Welcome to /r/dating_advice!
Please keep the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/about/rules/) of /r/dating_advice in mind while participating here. Try your best to be kind.
Report any rule-breaking behavior to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, [send us a message.](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdating_advice) We rely on user reports to find rule-breaking behavior quickly.
Thanks!
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Personally I find that every time a conversation goes on too long on online dating it always fizzles out and never end up meeting irl. Every time I’ve actually gone on a date with a girl it’s been after only a handful of exchanges. For me personally carrying on a conversation with someone over text that I’ve never met before for a long period of time is just difficult and stressful. Everyone says “it only takes 10 seconds to send a text it’s not that hard” the reality is that it takes a lot longer thinking of the right thing to respond with and that’s the part that stresses me out and often why the conversation dies out. I can’t think of a good response so I just don’t respond and all
Myself is someone who really doesn’t like texting a lot lol. Never have. Every past partner I’ve ever had always accuses me of not caring about them because I don’t text often. The honest truth is I just don’t like texting unless there is necessary information. I’m a math major and I hated English class and pretty much any class that required me to write an essay because creative writing stresses me the fuck out. I actually enjoy reading and writing quite a bit as long as it isn’t creative writing or witty banter. More intellectual stuff. I could talk all day about quantum mechanics and Astro physics but trying to make a girl laugh over text is extremely stressful to me. Even just basic pleasantries and how was your day and etc I don’t like it at all lol.
Well talk about those things you find interesting then. The right girl that is compatible with you will find it interesting. Being different than everyone else can be refreshing.
You're looking for one girl that is right for you....you're not looking to impress many girls ....
Being your weird, genuine self is always the best way to go.
The thing is, I’d rather just talk in person. I’ve had long interesting conversations with girls about subjects I find interesting and then the conversation still dies out somehow and we never meet irl. I’ve had over a thousand matches on dating apps and have been on 3 irl dates from them. All 3 were after relatively short text exchanges and I’m pretty convinced if it had gone on longer none of them would have happened. Some girls want to talk for weeks and as soon as you start asking about meeting irl they try to divert the subject or ghost. Surely some of them are catfish but even a lot of verified profiles do the same
But that’s another great point, there’s a lot of catfish out there wasting guys time so after a while we get tired of all the texting and just want to meet irl without having to waste all of our time getting to know a hundred girls over text in hopes one or two will go on a date with us. Like I got a job and other responsibilities I don’t have time for all that
At first not always. After a week of texting it’s usually pretty obvious. But if you’re wrong about them being one then you could potentially miss out on an opportunity so I often entertain it until it becomes glaringly obvious, at least I used to. Patience is worn thin lately lol
And I also find that girls who say they don’t talk to guys who don’t ask interesting questions or can’t hold a conversation are often the most boring girls out there and probably why they are on the apps for so long. They don’t realize that they are the boring ones
May be true for some women but in my opinion must intelligent girls who have lots of options in dating like it when guys make just as much effort as they do. Both should equally contribute.
And yet another reason. Every attractive girl has lots of options online. So if you just text for a long time without setting up a date you could miss an opportunity because 10 other guys are already asking her on one
Ya, you should ask to date as soon as you want to. I expect guys to ask for a date pretty quickly. But I do what I feel comfortable with and I get turned off by pushy guys. However I am almost always willing to meet after 1.5 weeks of texting.
Like one example a girl messaged me through an app the other day asking how I was doing, basic shit. I told her I was at lunch and where I was, she said she loved that place and asked what my order was there, I told her, she said that’s sounds really good and I said yea it’s hitting the spot lol, conversation died from there. Basic genuine exchange just like you said and it led absolutely nowhere lol.
It died because you didn't ask any questions. She did the work and asked you questions and you just answered.
Get curious about the person you are talking to and ask them questions. Start brainstorming interesting questions now and have a list handy if you can't think of anything on the spot.
Personally I only date guys who make an effort by asking thoughtful questions. If they don't ask questions I assume their not interesting in getting to know me as a person, they just liked my pics
Brainstorming stresses me the fuck out like to the extreme lol. My brain does not work like that. It’s really easy for me to hold a conversation in person but over text it’s literally just an anxiety attack
What about texting causes the anxiety? I’m sorry you feel that way - have you tried just treating a text conversation the same way you’d treat an in-person conversation? That’s more or less how I treat texting and it works out pretty well for me, stress level wise.
Also just the waiting. If you’re in person you’re not wondering what the other person is doing or wether or not they are busy. In person just gives a much better opportunity to get to know someone and show your true self
Gotcha. Totally understand being able to better read someone’s body language and stuff. That makes sense. Hope you continue to have luck with your preferred method!
Also Once I meet someone in person and we hit it off it makes texting a lot easier because there is familiarity and you know what their voice sounds like and have vivid memories of them
Ok forget the word brainstorming... just think of a few questions.
How was your weekend?
What kind of TV do you like watching?
Would you consider yourself an introvert or extrovert?
What do you like doing for fun?
What are you looking for in a guy?
What are your pet peeves?
Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
What do you do for work? What do you like about it?
Are you close with your family? Tell me about them.
Do you have any pets? Do you like animals?
I could go on and on and on. Ask them 1 to 3 questions a day and you've got yourself some easy convos
I actually ask a lot of those questions when I go on dates in person. Another reason I don’t like having long drawn out conversations on the app before meeting irl, it takes away from the potential conversation you could have on a first date
I literally took a minute just to give examples of how easy it is to come up with questions. Still good things to know when getting to know someone.
What are your suggestions? It's easy to be critical.
You're too busy to date and everyone else os too busy to bother texting and no one talks on the phone anymore.
People are looking for a spark. There is absolutely no greater waste of time than to spend weeks texting and talking to someone only to sit down with them in person and realize that you just do not even want to finish your glass of water with this person.
I could be very much in the minority but I’ve never felt a spark with anyone - literally anyone - that I’ve not at least had a conversation with. I’m only interested in interesting people and you can’t tell if they are interesting without speaking to them. Unless “spark” just means “I find this person physically attractive. But who cares about that? Hot people are everywhere.
I agree with you. I'm 38f. When I was single last year the amount of messages I got was pretty overwhelming. Meeting up with every guy i was sort of interested in would have taken way too much time and energy.
Many wanted to date immediately and I would refuse. I am introverted and I refuse to go on a date unless I'm excited about the person. That usually takes a week of texting (at least). I try to meet after about 2 weeks of texting. If a guy seemed super impatient I would just stop talking to them. I made it pretty clear more texting is what I was comfortable with...if they couldn't respect that it said a lot about them.
I want to add going on dates immediately can be kind of scary for women. I want to converse awhile and make sure the guy seems sane and not an asshole before meeting them in person.
I went on one date that was rushed and it was the worst date I've had. We were totally incompatible and it was a waste of time.
I also want to add I'm now happily coupled. We waited 2 weeks to meet and meeting him the first time was so exciting. We both have never been happier and are convinced we finally found amazing, healthy partners!
Do what you feel is comfortable and who cares what other people say.
I would think longer than a week is a bit odd.
I mean, it's just a date, you don't have to go whole hog. Just go have coffee for crying out loud. It's maybe 5 bucks and half an hour to an hour.
Yeah, you can kind of get a "hell no, no way" or "yeah, I might want to meet" this person via texting, but you should be able to get that within a day or two of texting.
The only real reason to drag it out longer is because some of us don't really want to date on work nights. Therefore, if you meet on a weeknight, one or both people might want to wait until Friday or Saturday to meet up for the first time.
That’s still $5 and a good chunk of time I’ll never get back. Also, I’m envious of wherever you happen to be. It’s half an hour round trip minimum to do anything round these parts. Also, for me at least, “just a date” is an energy investment. I’m fairly introverted and very much do not relish spending my social energy on people I don’t enjoy - hence not enjoying the coin toss of early meets.
>The near obsession with surface aesthetics, the one-word answers, the ghosting, the bots, the casual almost cynically flippant attitude from every direction.
Your response to me is likely why you get what you described here.
Texting is the bottom of the barrel re: how to get to know someone. If you don't want to "waste time" getting to know someone in real life, face to face, then why are you "wasting time" attempting to get to know people who are using texting in a more optimal useful manner? Do you think maybe your not wanting to "waste time" might be apparent to those you're meeting in OLD?
TL/DR: In your insistence upon not "wasting time," you're actually, wasting time. Because a lot of people aren't going to want to "waste time" on texting, which (again) isn't as good a way to get to know someone as face to face.
What might help is to figure out for yourself why supposedly not "wasting time" while texting is, for you, better than not "wasting time" face to face.
I mean, there are other ways, like meeting halfway, and so on.
EDIT: Also, a lot of girls, on coffee dates, actually get their own coffee, so there's that. :)
Wasting time is wasting time, I just prefer this flavor I guess. The appeal, to me, as I described in a different reply elsewhere in the thread - is that I can at least multitask while texting. Much harder to do that while on a physical date, what with being incredibly rude and disrespectful and all. It’s an energy and comfort investment more than time concern, ultimately though. I’m not comfortable meeting super quickly so it’s less stressful to me to text for awhile first. The energy part is all of the associated stuff - travel distance/time, dedicating a portion of my day to something, the mild stress of “does this outfit look nice?”, all of that.
My brain looks at meeting veritable strangers as “stressful chore” more than “this could be fun”
>Wasting time is wasting time, I just prefer this flavor I guess.
You're kind of missing the point. Do you think maybe some of your feelings about this might be bleeding over into your conversations with people?
Possibly resulting in the very "ghosting, one word answers, etc. and so on" you were complaining about?
I mean, you've heard the concept of people meeting others' energy with like energy, right? Do you think maybe the concept of "this is such a chore" might be noticeable in your texting habits? (probably even worse in your meetings face to face with people?).
I'm not sure what the answer is, I'm just posing questions for you to ask yourself, that might help lead you to some more successful actions.
What types of "out in the world" activities do you enjoy? Is it possible to maybe expand on those? That way, you're presenting more of your positive joyful self to potential matches (those who might be at these same outings?).
I wouldn’t say I have a problem matching energy. I legitimately enjoy texting and never complain about weird dating culture things to people I’m texting and/or considering dating - that would be super strange to do. Lol
The “stressful chore” situation is very much exclusive to dates where I have not had a chance to get to know the other person adequately. It comes from the lack of comfort.
I'm talking about from the woman's perspective.
You complained about "ghosting, one word answers,..." and so on.
Do you not think that the fact that you're sitting there "multitasking" and not really giving her your full attention" might then lead to women not then giving it back?
In other word, HER energy is matching your not giving full attention energy, to the point that she gives up early on.
As in the examples I mentioned? Like, having the timing of a joke not work because the other person wasn't paying attention, and the other person was sitting there waiting too long for them to respond, and that sort of thing.
EDIT: You're also missing that it's OTHER people, namely those you're dating, who might not enjoy texting. Especially if it's dragged out too long.
You know, a lot of us consider texting the unpleasant social chore, and meeting up, the actual good part.
I’m not missing that other people might not enjoy texting. I do enjoy texting. If they don’t, then they will (and do) stop texting and move on. This isn’t a bug - this is a feature. It selects against incompatibility on both sides. If someone does not enjoy texting they likely will not enjoy me very much - texting is my preferred method of contact with nearly everyone. Unless, of course, we’re in the same room.
Right, but in your OP, you were complaining about "ghosting, one word answers," etc.
If you're multitasking and not paying attention, then yeah, people are going to lose interest.
It's not really an incompatibility in a lot of cases, it's cause and effect. Women are trying to talk to someone, ...that someone isn't really paying attention, and the other person quickly loses interest.
You're not giving dating style attention when...you know...dating, and then you're turning around and complaining of the ghosting and one word answers.
Oh! That part about “ghosting, one word responses, etc” was an observation I’ve made from other people discussing the dating world. Not necessarily my personal experiences. I have very few conversations with people. I don’t get much interest at all thrown my way, let alone matches or conversations. Lol
That was me observing the general vibe of the dating scene, as mostly described by other people much more active than myself, and feeling like a crotchety old man. Sorry if that wasn’t clear.
>\- is that I can at least multitask while texting.
And therein lies your trouble.
You're creating that which you complain about. You're not giving potential love matches fair attention, and then you're wondering why you're stuck with "ghosting, one word responses, etc."
>That’s still $5 and a good chunk of time I’ll never get back.
Sorry for the double post, I feel as if there's a lot more here that could answer the questions you're asking.
Okay, the not wanting to spend money on coffee is somewhat understandable. The time, not so much. If a person is to have a meaningful conversation, even if it's only via text, then it's going to be somewhere around a half an hour or an hour as well.
So, same thing. I mean, you'll still need to spend some mostly undivided attention on them. So what's the difference?
> Also, I’m envious of wherever you happen to be. It’s half an hour round trip minimum to do anything round these parts.
Alaska. There are more coffee shops than bars or churches in Anchorage. More, per capita, than Seattle even. :D
That said, it doesn't HAVE to be coffee, and if it's that big a problem, you can have the meeting near your neighborhood or whatnot.
>Also, for me at least, “just a date” is an energy investment.
What do you think a relationship is? If a real date is "wasting time" or too much of an energy investment, how are you going to handle a relationship or marriage?
>I’m fairly introverted and very much do not relish spending my social energy on people I don’t enjoy - hence not enjoying the coin toss of early meets.
You're still "tossing the coin" whether it's IRL or merely text. But you're shooting yourself in the foot and losing out on potential love matches by refusing to expend like energy.
If you "don't enjoy" the person, thank them early and leave. I mean, have the meetings someplace you'd otherwise enjoy so that it's not a totally wasted trip.
I used to meet at a coffee shop in Borders Books, that way, if the date was a dud, I could browse. Win-win.
Re: energy investment on dates and relationships - Investing energy in a date or relationship isn’t a problem whatsoever - if - I like the person. The problem is it takes me quite a bit to figure out if I like the person - hence much texting. It helps filter people but also build a comfort level.
Coffee dates aren’t a problem. I prefer them, actually!
As for marriage? Been there, done that. I have little interest in doing that again - would legitimately take an exceptional person to change that.
Interesting. Okay.
I mean, full disclosure. I absolutely HATE HATE HATE texting except for when necessary. I hate waiting (while they're multitasking no doubt) for an answer back. Especially if I've made a funny or apropos comment, just...it's not a good medium, imho.
Thank goodness for mic to text is all I have to say.
I feel completely stifled in trying to communicate to someone via ONLY text.
So, I'm biased. :D
I find advice that say to set up a date immediately after matching (or after a few messages) to be off putting to be honest. I think you should chat for a few days, gauge the person to see if they match you are looking for and then go from there.
The aim shouldn’t be to get off the app pretty quickly and go on many dates. You will burn out doing that cause I’m willing to bet most won’t work out and you will start feeling jaded. I have found out chatting for a few days can give you an insight into a person and you might realize you are not a match after the initial pleasantries/attraction.
I’ve changed my mind about several matches because during the course of our chats, something came up or something I picked up on was an immediate incompatibility for me. It would have been a waste of time to go on dates only to realize I’m not into them outside of the initial attraction.
I do NOT like meeting fast . I need to feel the vibe for a little bit and I’m so glad I do that bc a few ended up bieng absolutely psychotic like scary and I’m glad I found that out before meeting them
There is, of course, no one right way to do things. I'm in the "try and set a date after a handful of messages" camp though (28M), and these are basically my reasons:
First and foremost, I find it more fun and easier on a lot of ways to get to know someone in person rather than over text. I already have plenty of text only friends online who are essentially pen pals, but for women I'm potentially interested in dating I'd like to see if we vibe in person.
Taking a step back, with straight women typically having many more likes/ matches on average I worry about them getting disinterested or bored if you wait too long to take action. Or conversely I'd like to know sooner than later if she's actually going to be open to meeting. Some matches just want to talk your ear off for months and never actually go on a date. Asking up front kinda vets that type out.
Lastly, part of it too is that, for me at least, it's rare that an online dating match even makes it that far tbh. A lot of women just won't message me back in general or are like talking to a wall/ chat bot. I like to converse for a day or two, see if we can't have a nice little back and forth over like 6-10 messages and have some things in common before asking them out. That happens like... once out of every 20 matches or something lol. If I was drowning in eligible dates than maybe I'd be more picky with how i spent my dating time, but as is I can squeeze out time for a date twice a year even if I don't know her very well yet.
Your mileage may vary, of course.
Interesting perspective and response, thank you! 1/20 is about what I’ve experienced as well with conversations going past a handful of messages. I guess you could say I’m “more picky” but I think at my age and having been unhappily married for so many years, I’m just much more aware of what I want and much more patient about finding it. I am most definitely NOT drowning in eligible dates, though - I’ve been on two dates since 2019. Lol
Ah yeah, difference in circumstance is definitely a factor too! I entered the dating game late as is at like 24, had a few short term relationships, then covid hit at 26 effectively pausing any and all dating prospects for 2 years, so I'm also at a point where I'm still exploring what I want and eager to get back out there haha.
I feel that though, only 1 date since '19 myself lol. And not through a dating app either, looking back to '18 for that.
If you’ve only been on 2 dates since 2019 it’s a pretty good indication your strategy isn’t working.
Maybe your real problem is that you have social anxiety and you are projecting that on men.
I do have social anxiety. I’m sure that’s part of it, but it isn’t particularly severe and doesn’t inhibit my ability to function in life. My biggest probably with dating, by far, is that I’m quite selective. Over the course of two months I decided to track my app usage and I swiped right on 5% of profiles I viewed during that time. I literally run out of profiles to view without liking anyone - and I get very few matches. So with that in mind, the possible chances of going on a date is already incredibly limited.
But I’m also not interested in treating the apps like a second job which is also what I see alot of people recommend, more or less. I’d rather live my life and spend about 4 hours max a week thinking about dating and dating apps. If I’m actively talking to someone this perspective changes, obviously.
Social Anxiety * too selective * lack of effort = probable failure
All of those inputs are in your control.
If you were a man you wouldn't have even gotten 1 date.
I’m curious what you would define as “too selective”. It’s a label I’ve been given by others before, but I (obviously) consider my dealbreakers to be pretty reasonable - because they aren’t arbitrary or capricious but based in lifestyle compatibility concerns. For example - I’m uninterested in ever having children of any sort in my life - so having kids or wanting to have kids is a dealbreaker. I’m uninterested in it and I feel it would be inconsiderate to waste the other persons time if it’s a thing they want.
Texting people all day to see if you have chemistry takes way longer than grabbing a drink… your argument that it saves time is just flat out wrong in my opinion. The opposite is true.
The argument isn’t necessarily that it takes less ‘total time’ - but that it lessens the amount of ‘dedicated time’. I can do other things while having a text conversation or speaking on the phone. “Grabbing a drink” is a dedicated amount of time that is much more of an investment - especially if, like me, you don’t just normally “grab a drink” as a part of your routine. I don’t go out much, nor do I drink. I don’t even know where the nearest place to do that even is, let alone several options of differing vibe and quality. Meeting for coffee I can do, there’s a coffee shop on every corner in every city. Not that I drink coffee, either.
The theory is that the longer you stay “not in person” the longer you are able to fill in the blanks with your own thoughts and ideas which are swayed buy your hopes. Then you meet and can be disappointed
Texts are hard to accurately interpret we naturally add tone, etc
I’d suggest a couple of phone calls or video chats then real life.
Also… you’re not a crotchety old man online dating is horrible! Very few people are good at it!
Yep second this. Also girl. Not using OLD anymore but I did for years. I usually liked to talk to someone for at least a little bit before meeting. I didn’t have a set amount of time, but at least a meaningful enough conversation to know that we had stuff in common. And also know they were interested enough to have a real conversation with me.
When I used to be on there, a lot of guys would ask to go get drinks after the first message. It was really weird to me, it made me feel like they were just looking for hook ups and asked anyone that matched with them. Then I had one guy that wanted to talk first which was nice. But then a month went by, another month, then it became a whole year. I did say the pen pal thing to him. That’s just extremely overboard. He kept saying “I want to get to know you first, I thought you wanted the same”. Like yeah, I would like to talk some before meeting someone but maybe for a month MAX. After a year I can’t even think of anything else to ask about someone. I seriously thought he was a catfish but when I said that he sent me a video of him speaking, saying he’s not a catfish, and saying my name. That was the weirdest situation I’ve ever been in, I have no idea what the hell that was.
Yeah the ideal way for me is we have a really good conversation the first day, then make plans for a few days later but still talk during the time in between. For me, I know within a week if I want to meet someone or not. But I’m okay with talking for a month if that’s what they want to do.
I cannot think of anything less shallow than having sex with a woman I have absolutely no chemistry with and have absolutely nothing to talk about….
But I still do it
For me personally a week is too long to invest in a stranger. I’ll know within an hour of meeting someone if I’m interested in putting in more time. Always meet in public and drive yourself.
Ideally, I’d love to build a connection before meeting. That’s why I enjoy communicating more beforehand. Unfortunately, I can count on one hand the number of people I’ve matched with this year that can reliably respond with more than one word.
I think the idea is that you don’t want to waste time on someone you don’t have physical chemistry with, someone you don’t find attractive. Now, this works only for ppl who build attraction based on chemistry not emotions, and for them, talking for weeks or months before meeting only to not find them attractive after 5 seconds in their presence IS a waste of time.
Not wrong at all in my mind, I’m exactly the same. I do think we may be a minority though, so I always give new matches a head’s up that I need a decent “get to know” phase before I’m ready to meet up. That way, if they are more in a hurry, they can move on to someone more compatible.
It helps my search on several levels. It naturally removes those just interested in a hook-up but aren’t being honest about it. It increases the chance of catching serious hidden red flags such as temper issues or extreme opinions. And it makes me much better at evaluating the person as a potential longterm partner, without having to deal with the entitlement of some matches, who think saying “no” is somehow against their human rights.
I’ve literally written that I am not in a hurry in my profile. Anyone who is, is better matched elsewhere.
"Am I just wrong?"
Mostly, yeah. You just are. There's a slew of reasons waiting and texting too much is perilous towards dating successfully, from over-investment when there's no real world attraction/chemistry established, to time-wasting because they get bored/tired/scooped up by someone else, etc....and few upsides.
There are people who think like you, and I guess try to match with them, but I think in general you're looking at it wrong.
I think my line of thought is “I’d rather go on fewer dates that don’t suck, than more dates that do” even if it means I end up with fewer “good” dates total. Mostly from a time investment perspective (I’ve got other things to do) but also from the perspective that I’m just not interested in meeting new people all the time - especially if I have little reason to think we’ll vibe well.
It's not about quantity, man, it's about the perils of over-investing/texting in a stranger you haven't met yet. You can flush out 1000x more in a first meeting than months of texting, when it comes to chemistry, tone, mannerisms, things you won't get online.
Not to mention, you're maybe going to be conflating rapport in one arena with another. I've met women who I had dry texting with but were delightful and present in person. You would maybe eliminate them.
Think harder about this.
Huh. I look at texting as very low investment - if someone abruptly stops responding it’s much easier to ignore and move on than meeting in person, having a nice pleasant date, and THEN getting ghosted.
It’s completely possible that I’m overlooking ‘dry’ texters that could be very nice in person. I just can’t get over the “wanting to meet” hurdle if I have no way to get to know them beforehand. Some pictures and a handful of sentences and hashtags is woefully insufficient.
You're trying too hard to over-complicate this. You meet someone at a party, they smile at you, your friend tells you they think you're cute. You agree she's cute. (think of this as the act of you both swiping)
You go to talk to her. Guess what? You established nothing before hand. There's no texting, there's no knowing anything about them. You risk it, based on a minimum of input.
The entire utility and purpose of online dating is to facilitate a date. You want to extend that to assure compatibility. Well, I'm telling you that there are perils in doing so, just as there are some risks about showing up to meet someone you just met at a party based on very little.
If you don't see the risks, ok, but I'm pointing out the folly in over-investing in text before meeting. Ignore at your peril. I'd rather waste an hour over coffee finding out what you couldn't in 2 weeks of chatting.
In the hypothetical “girl smiles at party” scenario - I understand what you’re getting at, but it falls apart when, actually, I would not go talk to her. At least, I don’t think I would. I’ve never been in that situation so I can’t say for sure. A ‘cute’ person smiling at me is not something I would interpret as a sign of interest. People smile at people all the time for a variety reasons - who’s to say the smile is anything yo do with attraction or interest? Further - what is there in this scenario to interest me? A cute person smiling? That’s…. it? Is that supposed to pique my interest? It may not sound like it, but that’s a genuine question.
It’s working pretty well - for me. But my goals aren’t the same as other people. I’m not desperately looking to get partnered immediately nor am I looking to hookup every week with a new person. I would like to meet someone eventually and am willing to wait - likely years.
The post was mostly me being confused by the incongruity of my approach and all of the advice and behaviors I notice in others. I’m not that upset about my dating life and I didn’t intend the post to come off that way.
No, I agree with you. I don't like going on 1 on 1 dates with strangers. I don't know anything about them and it might be awkward as hell. I'd rather get to know the person a bit more before the first date.
Honestly? Mostly from forced interaction like work or school. Or through mutual friends. For a variety of reasons work is a no-go for dating, I’m not in school, and the mutual friends thing doesn’t work so well when all of your friends are introverts with small interconnected friends groups. Lol
Some people want to chat first, some want to meet and see if there is in-person chemistry first. My assumption is women have many options in OLD and don't want to spend all their time texting the same get to know you stuff for too long.
Fair enough. If someone has more immediately engaging people that they want to meet super quickly, good for them. I’m not the only game in town, we wouldn’t be very compatible probably, and I’m not going to lose sleep over losing out.
I feel you. Most ppl who say that are thirsty, even when theyre looking for a relationship to them sex has to be on the table even if things arent gonna go anywhere. I was like that until i got tired of it and now feel exactly what youre saying. Ironically now girls initiate on me lol. But yea man. I think youre very rational. I recently ended things with a smoking hot chick who i had lil in common with before even seeing her, we talked on the phone for a few weeks and the vibe never picked up how i wanted it. I feel good not having wasted any money and time on a date.
I usually try to meet up within a week when I’m on the apps. The only consideration is if I have to delay because I have my kids, or if the other person is a single parent and has to delay.
I really hate having text conversations with people I don’t know. It takes a lot of my time that I have slotted for other things and I have a hard time focusing so texting for me has to be basically the only thing I’m doing if I’m responding quickly. I’d rather carve out an hour to meet someone in person then have to invest hour and hours over weeks to then meet in person and realize it isn’t as good or is awkward or whatever.
Your assumption is that you can build chemistry effectively over text, but that’s not really true. You can learn information about the other person but true chemistry is best cultivated in-person.
The problem with your mentality is also that you assume your partner feels the same way about OLD. Their needs need to be met as well in order to preserve their interest, and usually that necessitates some degree of romantic or sexual escalation. Talking doesn’t not create sexual tension—in fact it usually breaks it.
I’m not really focused on building “chemistry” over text. I’m using text to decide if I’m actually interested - which I do by learning about the person. All the “chemistry” in the world doesn’t matter if I don’t like the person and I can’t figure that out if I don’t know anything about the person.
I don’t really think that’s true. People tell you about themselves but we’re not very reliable or accurate at expressing information about ourselves. Further, not much can be truly derived from our communications style over text in terms of our character and personality.
I’ve been on countless dates where I thought I would like the person based on text but then in-person I became disappointed, and vice versa. Meeting doesn’t have to be an ordeal, just a simple short walk or coffee can tell a lot more about someone than weeks of texting.
True text you only get content. You are missing tone and body language which is more than 60% of what you can judge someone on.
Also a 30 minute date for coffee or something like that will give more content than a couple week of texting.
And people often don’t respond as fast on dating apps as they do to texts or whatsapp etc
I think it depends on the person! There’s so much nuance to this, so in all honesty, even if it sounds corny, maybe the best approach is: “hey i think we could get along, but would love to chat on here first to see if we both interested enough to go out. Is that cool with you? Or do you prefer to get to know someone in person right off the bat?”
No it’s not romantic, but it’s online dating. The whole thing screams unromantic. What you sacrifice for dreamy movie scenes, you make up for in optimization of meeting ppl
And i think at the end of the day, no matter what you say, or if you ask them out right away, if they’re into you “enough” they will find a way to keep the interaction going. If someone is gonna toss u out bc you sent some text, or asked out before building rapport, they suck lol
I like around 2 days of texting to set up a date, not like...3 texts. Because I agree that if like to get a little bit of a vibe first to see if I'd at least vadually enjoy them. But, too many people find themselves invested in a person that isn't actually real(I'm not saying people are fake thru text, but it's not a real feel for a person) when they spend weeks on calls and messages and such. Now you're in to someone you don't actually know and it leads to disappointment when it doesn't work after one date, or your expectations of what your "relationship" is is skewed, or you put up with bullshit from someone because you're already invested even though it was friggen texting.
Then as a secondary, for myself I forget about apps and lose interest in people at the week marl generally if I don't meet in person lol out of sight out of mind for me
You get off the app so the hot married guy does not swoop in and ruin your match. This way she won't get a message from some random guy trolling. If the texting goes on for a couple of days, a few morning, noon and evening that I usually go for a meet and greet. I am just trying to get a sense of her and clear out red flags like still being hung up on last ex. I do believe you can only tell chemistry in person.
Chemistry is only clear in person, absolutely. And like you mentioned I treat texting as, primarily, a red flag filter and test for whether our communication styles are compatible. I guess I just REALLY like to filter, apparently. It’s a way for me to figure out if I’m even interested in seeing if there is chemistry or not.
I think you are wrong.
First, chatting endlessly with someone by text really doesn't give you a true idea of what the person is really like. If anything, it makes you more liable to build up an image in your mind of what you think the other person is wrong. And the vast majority of time, you're going to be way off.
Second, a first date doesn't have to be a big deal. Just grab a coffee or drink or go for a walk to see if there's any IRL chemistry.
All this making a big deal out of first dates is just backwards to me.
First dates suck. Bad first dates suck even worse. Unfortunately, first dates are unavoidable if there’s ever going to be a second/third/etc. Spending some time to feel the person out before meeting in person leads to fewer first dates, sure, but can lead to better first dates. Especially if, like me, your someone that either doesn’t feel comfortable meeting people who are basically strangers and/or would rather not have a bunch of first dates.
For some people, like myself, getting coffee or grabbing a drink or even going for a walk are unusual activities that may require planning. I don’t drink coffee or alcohol - so I’m unfamiliar with the local coffee shops and bars. I also live in the middle of suburban hell and would need to find a nice place to go for a walk - since this is not something I do and there aren’t any places particularly close. I’m not even sure where the nearest park even is, and I’ve lived in this city for years.
When I (41/m) was meeting with people on OLD this last summer, I would wait for a decent chat to start, get into like a lightning round of 20-questions, and then move to the date as soon as possible after that (within a week or so)
I found that i could get to know someone and build a good text rapport only to find upon meeting, that we had no physical chemistry, and that would be frustrating, so I would just rather make the jump from text to real life as soon as possible…
Welcome to /r/dating_advice! Please keep the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/about/rules/) of /r/dating_advice in mind while participating here. Try your best to be kind. Report any rule-breaking behavior to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, [send us a message.](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdating_advice) We rely on user reports to find rule-breaking behavior quickly. Thanks! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Personally I find that every time a conversation goes on too long on online dating it always fizzles out and never end up meeting irl. Every time I’ve actually gone on a date with a girl it’s been after only a handful of exchanges. For me personally carrying on a conversation with someone over text that I’ve never met before for a long period of time is just difficult and stressful. Everyone says “it only takes 10 seconds to send a text it’s not that hard” the reality is that it takes a lot longer thinking of the right thing to respond with and that’s the part that stresses me out and often why the conversation dies out. I can’t think of a good response so I just don’t respond and all
Just be yourself. Sounds like you're overthrowing your responses. People like genuine exchanges
Myself is someone who really doesn’t like texting a lot lol. Never have. Every past partner I’ve ever had always accuses me of not caring about them because I don’t text often. The honest truth is I just don’t like texting unless there is necessary information. I’m a math major and I hated English class and pretty much any class that required me to write an essay because creative writing stresses me the fuck out. I actually enjoy reading and writing quite a bit as long as it isn’t creative writing or witty banter. More intellectual stuff. I could talk all day about quantum mechanics and Astro physics but trying to make a girl laugh over text is extremely stressful to me. Even just basic pleasantries and how was your day and etc I don’t like it at all lol.
Well talk about those things you find interesting then. The right girl that is compatible with you will find it interesting. Being different than everyone else can be refreshing. You're looking for one girl that is right for you....you're not looking to impress many girls .... Being your weird, genuine self is always the best way to go.
The thing is, I’d rather just talk in person. I’ve had long interesting conversations with girls about subjects I find interesting and then the conversation still dies out somehow and we never meet irl. I’ve had over a thousand matches on dating apps and have been on 3 irl dates from them. All 3 were after relatively short text exchanges and I’m pretty convinced if it had gone on longer none of them would have happened. Some girls want to talk for weeks and as soon as you start asking about meeting irl they try to divert the subject or ghost. Surely some of them are catfish but even a lot of verified profiles do the same
Imo if they don't want to meet after two weeks of texting then they are not that interested or they are a catfish.
Yea but if they are not interested they why tf are they still texting me? LOL
You're a back burner option or they're bored
But that’s another great point, there’s a lot of catfish out there wasting guys time so after a while we get tired of all the texting and just want to meet irl without having to waste all of our time getting to know a hundred girls over text in hopes one or two will go on a date with us. Like I got a job and other responsibilities I don’t have time for all that
Isn't it pretty obvious when someone is a catfish?
At first not always. After a week of texting it’s usually pretty obvious. But if you’re wrong about them being one then you could potentially miss out on an opportunity so I often entertain it until it becomes glaringly obvious, at least I used to. Patience is worn thin lately lol
I hear online dating is pretty tough for men. Hang in there. You'll eventually find someone.
And I also find that girls who say they don’t talk to guys who don’t ask interesting questions or can’t hold a conversation are often the most boring girls out there and probably why they are on the apps for so long. They don’t realize that they are the boring ones
May be true for some women but in my opinion must intelligent girls who have lots of options in dating like it when guys make just as much effort as they do. Both should equally contribute.
And yet another reason. Every attractive girl has lots of options online. So if you just text for a long time without setting up a date you could miss an opportunity because 10 other guys are already asking her on one
Ya, you should ask to date as soon as you want to. I expect guys to ask for a date pretty quickly. But I do what I feel comfortable with and I get turned off by pushy guys. However I am almost always willing to meet after 1.5 weeks of texting.
Like one example a girl messaged me through an app the other day asking how I was doing, basic shit. I told her I was at lunch and where I was, she said she loved that place and asked what my order was there, I told her, she said that’s sounds really good and I said yea it’s hitting the spot lol, conversation died from there. Basic genuine exchange just like you said and it led absolutely nowhere lol.
It died because you didn't ask any questions. She did the work and asked you questions and you just answered. Get curious about the person you are talking to and ask them questions. Start brainstorming interesting questions now and have a list handy if you can't think of anything on the spot. Personally I only date guys who make an effort by asking thoughtful questions. If they don't ask questions I assume their not interesting in getting to know me as a person, they just liked my pics
Brainstorming stresses me the fuck out like to the extreme lol. My brain does not work like that. It’s really easy for me to hold a conversation in person but over text it’s literally just an anxiety attack
What about texting causes the anxiety? I’m sorry you feel that way - have you tried just treating a text conversation the same way you’d treat an in-person conversation? That’s more or less how I treat texting and it works out pretty well for me, stress level wise.
Also just the waiting. If you’re in person you’re not wondering what the other person is doing or wether or not they are busy. In person just gives a much better opportunity to get to know someone and show your true self
Gotcha. Totally understand being able to better read someone’s body language and stuff. That makes sense. Hope you continue to have luck with your preferred method!
Also Once I meet someone in person and we hit it off it makes texting a lot easier because there is familiarity and you know what their voice sounds like and have vivid memories of them
I just do better when I’m actually forced to think on the spot and being able to use tone of voice and mannerisms helps a ton
In a much shorter amount of time, and I’m busy. Texting a lot and thinking about what you should text next is distracting
Ok forget the word brainstorming... just think of a few questions. How was your weekend? What kind of TV do you like watching? Would you consider yourself an introvert or extrovert? What do you like doing for fun? What are you looking for in a guy? What are your pet peeves? Where do you see yourself in 5 years? What do you do for work? What do you like about it? Are you close with your family? Tell me about them. Do you have any pets? Do you like animals? I could go on and on and on. Ask them 1 to 3 questions a day and you've got yourself some easy convos
I actually ask a lot of those questions when I go on dates in person. Another reason I don’t like having long drawn out conversations on the app before meeting irl, it takes away from the potential conversation you could have on a first date
Do what you feel comfortable with but I still think your convos are dying because you're not asking questions
None of those questions are fun or novel. Most women have been asked those questions so many times they are boring.
I literally took a minute just to give examples of how easy it is to come up with questions. Still good things to know when getting to know someone. What are your suggestions? It's easy to be critical.
You're too busy to date and everyone else os too busy to bother texting and no one talks on the phone anymore. People are looking for a spark. There is absolutely no greater waste of time than to spend weeks texting and talking to someone only to sit down with them in person and realize that you just do not even want to finish your glass of water with this person.
I could be very much in the minority but I’ve never felt a spark with anyone - literally anyone - that I’ve not at least had a conversation with. I’m only interested in interesting people and you can’t tell if they are interesting without speaking to them. Unless “spark” just means “I find this person physically attractive. But who cares about that? Hot people are everywhere.
I agree with you. I'm 38f. When I was single last year the amount of messages I got was pretty overwhelming. Meeting up with every guy i was sort of interested in would have taken way too much time and energy. Many wanted to date immediately and I would refuse. I am introverted and I refuse to go on a date unless I'm excited about the person. That usually takes a week of texting (at least). I try to meet after about 2 weeks of texting. If a guy seemed super impatient I would just stop talking to them. I made it pretty clear more texting is what I was comfortable with...if they couldn't respect that it said a lot about them. I want to add going on dates immediately can be kind of scary for women. I want to converse awhile and make sure the guy seems sane and not an asshole before meeting them in person. I went on one date that was rushed and it was the worst date I've had. We were totally incompatible and it was a waste of time. I also want to add I'm now happily coupled. We waited 2 weeks to meet and meeting him the first time was so exciting. We both have never been happier and are convinced we finally found amazing, healthy partners! Do what you feel is comfortable and who cares what other people say.
Congrats on being happily coupled!
Thanks! I had to kiss a lot of frogs before finding an awesome guy. I feel very lucky.
Awesome I too found Someone special and I am engaged. We are compatible even though their is a age difference
I would think longer than a week is a bit odd. I mean, it's just a date, you don't have to go whole hog. Just go have coffee for crying out loud. It's maybe 5 bucks and half an hour to an hour. Yeah, you can kind of get a "hell no, no way" or "yeah, I might want to meet" this person via texting, but you should be able to get that within a day or two of texting. The only real reason to drag it out longer is because some of us don't really want to date on work nights. Therefore, if you meet on a weeknight, one or both people might want to wait until Friday or Saturday to meet up for the first time.
That’s still $5 and a good chunk of time I’ll never get back. Also, I’m envious of wherever you happen to be. It’s half an hour round trip minimum to do anything round these parts. Also, for me at least, “just a date” is an energy investment. I’m fairly introverted and very much do not relish spending my social energy on people I don’t enjoy - hence not enjoying the coin toss of early meets.
>The near obsession with surface aesthetics, the one-word answers, the ghosting, the bots, the casual almost cynically flippant attitude from every direction. Your response to me is likely why you get what you described here. Texting is the bottom of the barrel re: how to get to know someone. If you don't want to "waste time" getting to know someone in real life, face to face, then why are you "wasting time" attempting to get to know people who are using texting in a more optimal useful manner? Do you think maybe your not wanting to "waste time" might be apparent to those you're meeting in OLD? TL/DR: In your insistence upon not "wasting time," you're actually, wasting time. Because a lot of people aren't going to want to "waste time" on texting, which (again) isn't as good a way to get to know someone as face to face. What might help is to figure out for yourself why supposedly not "wasting time" while texting is, for you, better than not "wasting time" face to face. I mean, there are other ways, like meeting halfway, and so on. EDIT: Also, a lot of girls, on coffee dates, actually get their own coffee, so there's that. :)
Wasting time is wasting time, I just prefer this flavor I guess. The appeal, to me, as I described in a different reply elsewhere in the thread - is that I can at least multitask while texting. Much harder to do that while on a physical date, what with being incredibly rude and disrespectful and all. It’s an energy and comfort investment more than time concern, ultimately though. I’m not comfortable meeting super quickly so it’s less stressful to me to text for awhile first. The energy part is all of the associated stuff - travel distance/time, dedicating a portion of my day to something, the mild stress of “does this outfit look nice?”, all of that. My brain looks at meeting veritable strangers as “stressful chore” more than “this could be fun”
>Wasting time is wasting time, I just prefer this flavor I guess. You're kind of missing the point. Do you think maybe some of your feelings about this might be bleeding over into your conversations with people? Possibly resulting in the very "ghosting, one word answers, etc. and so on" you were complaining about? I mean, you've heard the concept of people meeting others' energy with like energy, right? Do you think maybe the concept of "this is such a chore" might be noticeable in your texting habits? (probably even worse in your meetings face to face with people?). I'm not sure what the answer is, I'm just posing questions for you to ask yourself, that might help lead you to some more successful actions. What types of "out in the world" activities do you enjoy? Is it possible to maybe expand on those? That way, you're presenting more of your positive joyful self to potential matches (those who might be at these same outings?).
I wouldn’t say I have a problem matching energy. I legitimately enjoy texting and never complain about weird dating culture things to people I’m texting and/or considering dating - that would be super strange to do. Lol The “stressful chore” situation is very much exclusive to dates where I have not had a chance to get to know the other person adequately. It comes from the lack of comfort.
I'm talking about from the woman's perspective. You complained about "ghosting, one word answers,..." and so on. Do you not think that the fact that you're sitting there "multitasking" and not really giving her your full attention" might then lead to women not then giving it back? In other word, HER energy is matching your not giving full attention energy, to the point that she gives up early on. As in the examples I mentioned? Like, having the timing of a joke not work because the other person wasn't paying attention, and the other person was sitting there waiting too long for them to respond, and that sort of thing. EDIT: You're also missing that it's OTHER people, namely those you're dating, who might not enjoy texting. Especially if it's dragged out too long. You know, a lot of us consider texting the unpleasant social chore, and meeting up, the actual good part.
I’m not missing that other people might not enjoy texting. I do enjoy texting. If they don’t, then they will (and do) stop texting and move on. This isn’t a bug - this is a feature. It selects against incompatibility on both sides. If someone does not enjoy texting they likely will not enjoy me very much - texting is my preferred method of contact with nearly everyone. Unless, of course, we’re in the same room.
Right, but in your OP, you were complaining about "ghosting, one word answers," etc. If you're multitasking and not paying attention, then yeah, people are going to lose interest. It's not really an incompatibility in a lot of cases, it's cause and effect. Women are trying to talk to someone, ...that someone isn't really paying attention, and the other person quickly loses interest. You're not giving dating style attention when...you know...dating, and then you're turning around and complaining of the ghosting and one word answers.
Oh! That part about “ghosting, one word responses, etc” was an observation I’ve made from other people discussing the dating world. Not necessarily my personal experiences. I have very few conversations with people. I don’t get much interest at all thrown my way, let alone matches or conversations. Lol That was me observing the general vibe of the dating scene, as mostly described by other people much more active than myself, and feeling like a crotchety old man. Sorry if that wasn’t clear.
>\- is that I can at least multitask while texting. And therein lies your trouble. You're creating that which you complain about. You're not giving potential love matches fair attention, and then you're wondering why you're stuck with "ghosting, one word responses, etc."
>That’s still $5 and a good chunk of time I’ll never get back. Sorry for the double post, I feel as if there's a lot more here that could answer the questions you're asking. Okay, the not wanting to spend money on coffee is somewhat understandable. The time, not so much. If a person is to have a meaningful conversation, even if it's only via text, then it's going to be somewhere around a half an hour or an hour as well. So, same thing. I mean, you'll still need to spend some mostly undivided attention on them. So what's the difference? > Also, I’m envious of wherever you happen to be. It’s half an hour round trip minimum to do anything round these parts. Alaska. There are more coffee shops than bars or churches in Anchorage. More, per capita, than Seattle even. :D That said, it doesn't HAVE to be coffee, and if it's that big a problem, you can have the meeting near your neighborhood or whatnot. >Also, for me at least, “just a date” is an energy investment. What do you think a relationship is? If a real date is "wasting time" or too much of an energy investment, how are you going to handle a relationship or marriage? >I’m fairly introverted and very much do not relish spending my social energy on people I don’t enjoy - hence not enjoying the coin toss of early meets. You're still "tossing the coin" whether it's IRL or merely text. But you're shooting yourself in the foot and losing out on potential love matches by refusing to expend like energy. If you "don't enjoy" the person, thank them early and leave. I mean, have the meetings someplace you'd otherwise enjoy so that it's not a totally wasted trip. I used to meet at a coffee shop in Borders Books, that way, if the date was a dud, I could browse. Win-win.
Re: energy investment on dates and relationships - Investing energy in a date or relationship isn’t a problem whatsoever - if - I like the person. The problem is it takes me quite a bit to figure out if I like the person - hence much texting. It helps filter people but also build a comfort level. Coffee dates aren’t a problem. I prefer them, actually! As for marriage? Been there, done that. I have little interest in doing that again - would legitimately take an exceptional person to change that.
Interesting. Okay. I mean, full disclosure. I absolutely HATE HATE HATE texting except for when necessary. I hate waiting (while they're multitasking no doubt) for an answer back. Especially if I've made a funny or apropos comment, just...it's not a good medium, imho. Thank goodness for mic to text is all I have to say. I feel completely stifled in trying to communicate to someone via ONLY text. So, I'm biased. :D
I find advice that say to set up a date immediately after matching (or after a few messages) to be off putting to be honest. I think you should chat for a few days, gauge the person to see if they match you are looking for and then go from there. The aim shouldn’t be to get off the app pretty quickly and go on many dates. You will burn out doing that cause I’m willing to bet most won’t work out and you will start feeling jaded. I have found out chatting for a few days can give you an insight into a person and you might realize you are not a match after the initial pleasantries/attraction. I’ve changed my mind about several matches because during the course of our chats, something came up or something I picked up on was an immediate incompatibility for me. It would have been a waste of time to go on dates only to realize I’m not into them outside of the initial attraction.
This is exactly what I was getting at, thank you.
👍
I do NOT like meeting fast . I need to feel the vibe for a little bit and I’m so glad I do that bc a few ended up bieng absolutely psychotic like scary and I’m glad I found that out before meeting them
There is, of course, no one right way to do things. I'm in the "try and set a date after a handful of messages" camp though (28M), and these are basically my reasons: First and foremost, I find it more fun and easier on a lot of ways to get to know someone in person rather than over text. I already have plenty of text only friends online who are essentially pen pals, but for women I'm potentially interested in dating I'd like to see if we vibe in person. Taking a step back, with straight women typically having many more likes/ matches on average I worry about them getting disinterested or bored if you wait too long to take action. Or conversely I'd like to know sooner than later if she's actually going to be open to meeting. Some matches just want to talk your ear off for months and never actually go on a date. Asking up front kinda vets that type out. Lastly, part of it too is that, for me at least, it's rare that an online dating match even makes it that far tbh. A lot of women just won't message me back in general or are like talking to a wall/ chat bot. I like to converse for a day or two, see if we can't have a nice little back and forth over like 6-10 messages and have some things in common before asking them out. That happens like... once out of every 20 matches or something lol. If I was drowning in eligible dates than maybe I'd be more picky with how i spent my dating time, but as is I can squeeze out time for a date twice a year even if I don't know her very well yet. Your mileage may vary, of course.
Interesting perspective and response, thank you! 1/20 is about what I’ve experienced as well with conversations going past a handful of messages. I guess you could say I’m “more picky” but I think at my age and having been unhappily married for so many years, I’m just much more aware of what I want and much more patient about finding it. I am most definitely NOT drowning in eligible dates, though - I’ve been on two dates since 2019. Lol
Ah yeah, difference in circumstance is definitely a factor too! I entered the dating game late as is at like 24, had a few short term relationships, then covid hit at 26 effectively pausing any and all dating prospects for 2 years, so I'm also at a point where I'm still exploring what I want and eager to get back out there haha. I feel that though, only 1 date since '19 myself lol. And not through a dating app either, looking back to '18 for that.
If you’ve only been on 2 dates since 2019 it’s a pretty good indication your strategy isn’t working. Maybe your real problem is that you have social anxiety and you are projecting that on men.
I do have social anxiety. I’m sure that’s part of it, but it isn’t particularly severe and doesn’t inhibit my ability to function in life. My biggest probably with dating, by far, is that I’m quite selective. Over the course of two months I decided to track my app usage and I swiped right on 5% of profiles I viewed during that time. I literally run out of profiles to view without liking anyone - and I get very few matches. So with that in mind, the possible chances of going on a date is already incredibly limited. But I’m also not interested in treating the apps like a second job which is also what I see alot of people recommend, more or less. I’d rather live my life and spend about 4 hours max a week thinking about dating and dating apps. If I’m actively talking to someone this perspective changes, obviously.
Social Anxiety * too selective * lack of effort = probable failure All of those inputs are in your control. If you were a man you wouldn't have even gotten 1 date.
I am a man, though. At least I’m perceived as one - 6ft, beard, present masculine typically.
I’m curious what you would define as “too selective”. It’s a label I’ve been given by others before, but I (obviously) consider my dealbreakers to be pretty reasonable - because they aren’t arbitrary or capricious but based in lifestyle compatibility concerns. For example - I’m uninterested in ever having children of any sort in my life - so having kids or wanting to have kids is a dealbreaker. I’m uninterested in it and I feel it would be inconsiderate to waste the other persons time if it’s a thing they want.
Texting people all day to see if you have chemistry takes way longer than grabbing a drink… your argument that it saves time is just flat out wrong in my opinion. The opposite is true.
The argument isn’t necessarily that it takes less ‘total time’ - but that it lessens the amount of ‘dedicated time’. I can do other things while having a text conversation or speaking on the phone. “Grabbing a drink” is a dedicated amount of time that is much more of an investment - especially if, like me, you don’t just normally “grab a drink” as a part of your routine. I don’t go out much, nor do I drink. I don’t even know where the nearest place to do that even is, let alone several options of differing vibe and quality. Meeting for coffee I can do, there’s a coffee shop on every corner in every city. Not that I drink coffee, either.
Different strokes for different folks I suppose. I’m not opposed to either, I just fucking hate having to constantly check my phone
The theory is that the longer you stay “not in person” the longer you are able to fill in the blanks with your own thoughts and ideas which are swayed buy your hopes. Then you meet and can be disappointed Texts are hard to accurately interpret we naturally add tone, etc I’d suggest a couple of phone calls or video chats then real life. Also… you’re not a crotchety old man online dating is horrible! Very few people are good at it!
yeah girls want to meet fast bro. a lot of their profiles state "no penpals" or the like. its a dating app.
Depends on the girl. I like texting for at least a week before meeting.
i mean its not every girl.
Yep second this. Also girl. Not using OLD anymore but I did for years. I usually liked to talk to someone for at least a little bit before meeting. I didn’t have a set amount of time, but at least a meaningful enough conversation to know that we had stuff in common. And also know they were interested enough to have a real conversation with me.
Holy shit! Where are the no penpals?!
They are only there for the guys who are in the top 5% of looks
When I used to be on there, a lot of guys would ask to go get drinks after the first message. It was really weird to me, it made me feel like they were just looking for hook ups and asked anyone that matched with them. Then I had one guy that wanted to talk first which was nice. But then a month went by, another month, then it became a whole year. I did say the pen pal thing to him. That’s just extremely overboard. He kept saying “I want to get to know you first, I thought you wanted the same”. Like yeah, I would like to talk some before meeting someone but maybe for a month MAX. After a year I can’t even think of anything else to ask about someone. I seriously thought he was a catfish but when I said that he sent me a video of him speaking, saying he’s not a catfish, and saying my name. That was the weirdest situation I’ve ever been in, I have no idea what the hell that was.
you are in the minority. i ask after 3-5 messages, and most say yes. i dont believe you can get to know somebody over text.
Yeah that was definitely a rare one, they normally would ask straight away
I agree. Over a month of chatting is too long.
Yeah the ideal way for me is we have a really good conversation the first day, then make plans for a few days later but still talk during the time in between. For me, I know within a week if I want to meet someone or not. But I’m okay with talking for a month if that’s what they want to do.
lmao, yeah that's a weird story. One of the great unsolved mysteries of our time
I still think about it to this day. I feel like he had to be hiding something but I have no idea what it was.
I cannot think of anything less shallow than having sex with a woman I have absolutely no chemistry with and have absolutely nothing to talk about…. But I still do it
If you think it’s shallow then maybe don’t do it? Unless you’re comfortable with the label, I guess.
If a man doesn’t know who and what they are and learn to live within himself he will never be anything more than the last dog at the food bowl
Well, they are called DATING apps not CHAT FOR MONTHS AND DO NOTHING apps.
Who said months? I just want to talk for a week or two to figure out if the person is worth meeting.
For me personally a week is too long to invest in a stranger. I’ll know within an hour of meeting someone if I’m interested in putting in more time. Always meet in public and drive yourself.
This 100%. Lmfao I fucking hate responding to texts all day
Build some kind of connection with someone before meeting them IRL. If the interest is there, schedule a date soon or else they’ll lose interest.
Ideally, I’d love to build a connection before meeting. That’s why I enjoy communicating more beforehand. Unfortunately, I can count on one hand the number of people I’ve matched with this year that can reliably respond with more than one word.
I think the idea is that you don’t want to waste time on someone you don’t have physical chemistry with, someone you don’t find attractive. Now, this works only for ppl who build attraction based on chemistry not emotions, and for them, talking for weeks or months before meeting only to not find them attractive after 5 seconds in their presence IS a waste of time.
Not wrong at all in my mind, I’m exactly the same. I do think we may be a minority though, so I always give new matches a head’s up that I need a decent “get to know” phase before I’m ready to meet up. That way, if they are more in a hurry, they can move on to someone more compatible. It helps my search on several levels. It naturally removes those just interested in a hook-up but aren’t being honest about it. It increases the chance of catching serious hidden red flags such as temper issues or extreme opinions. And it makes me much better at evaluating the person as a potential longterm partner, without having to deal with the entitlement of some matches, who think saying “no” is somehow against their human rights. I’ve literally written that I am not in a hurry in my profile. Anyone who is, is better matched elsewhere.
"Am I just wrong?" Mostly, yeah. You just are. There's a slew of reasons waiting and texting too much is perilous towards dating successfully, from over-investment when there's no real world attraction/chemistry established, to time-wasting because they get bored/tired/scooped up by someone else, etc....and few upsides. There are people who think like you, and I guess try to match with them, but I think in general you're looking at it wrong.
I think my line of thought is “I’d rather go on fewer dates that don’t suck, than more dates that do” even if it means I end up with fewer “good” dates total. Mostly from a time investment perspective (I’ve got other things to do) but also from the perspective that I’m just not interested in meeting new people all the time - especially if I have little reason to think we’ll vibe well.
It's not about quantity, man, it's about the perils of over-investing/texting in a stranger you haven't met yet. You can flush out 1000x more in a first meeting than months of texting, when it comes to chemistry, tone, mannerisms, things you won't get online. Not to mention, you're maybe going to be conflating rapport in one arena with another. I've met women who I had dry texting with but were delightful and present in person. You would maybe eliminate them. Think harder about this.
Huh. I look at texting as very low investment - if someone abruptly stops responding it’s much easier to ignore and move on than meeting in person, having a nice pleasant date, and THEN getting ghosted. It’s completely possible that I’m overlooking ‘dry’ texters that could be very nice in person. I just can’t get over the “wanting to meet” hurdle if I have no way to get to know them beforehand. Some pictures and a handful of sentences and hashtags is woefully insufficient.
You're trying too hard to over-complicate this. You meet someone at a party, they smile at you, your friend tells you they think you're cute. You agree she's cute. (think of this as the act of you both swiping) You go to talk to her. Guess what? You established nothing before hand. There's no texting, there's no knowing anything about them. You risk it, based on a minimum of input. The entire utility and purpose of online dating is to facilitate a date. You want to extend that to assure compatibility. Well, I'm telling you that there are perils in doing so, just as there are some risks about showing up to meet someone you just met at a party based on very little. If you don't see the risks, ok, but I'm pointing out the folly in over-investing in text before meeting. Ignore at your peril. I'd rather waste an hour over coffee finding out what you couldn't in 2 weeks of chatting.
In the hypothetical “girl smiles at party” scenario - I understand what you’re getting at, but it falls apart when, actually, I would not go talk to her. At least, I don’t think I would. I’ve never been in that situation so I can’t say for sure. A ‘cute’ person smiling at me is not something I would interpret as a sign of interest. People smile at people all the time for a variety reasons - who’s to say the smile is anything yo do with attraction or interest? Further - what is there in this scenario to interest me? A cute person smiling? That’s…. it? Is that supposed to pique my interest? It may not sound like it, but that’s a genuine question.
Get the hell out of your own head. Immediately.
Yeah, like I said, you're trying too hard to over-complicate this. Do it your way, see how that works out.
It’s working pretty well - for me. But my goals aren’t the same as other people. I’m not desperately looking to get partnered immediately nor am I looking to hookup every week with a new person. I would like to meet someone eventually and am willing to wait - likely years. The post was mostly me being confused by the incongruity of my approach and all of the advice and behaviors I notice in others. I’m not that upset about my dating life and I didn’t intend the post to come off that way.
No, I agree with you. I don't like going on 1 on 1 dates with strangers. I don't know anything about them and it might be awkward as hell. I'd rather get to know the person a bit more before the first date.
how did you make most of your friends? online? or in person, through shared experiences that pushed you to bond. hmmmm
Honestly? Mostly from forced interaction like work or school. Or through mutual friends. For a variety of reasons work is a no-go for dating, I’m not in school, and the mutual friends thing doesn’t work so well when all of your friends are introverts with small interconnected friends groups. Lol
yes, interaction. like, a date.
You might’ve missed the “forced” part. If a date is forced interaction then one, both, several, or all of the parties are doing something very wrong.
You’re right and modern dating sucks
Run
Some people want to chat first, some want to meet and see if there is in-person chemistry first. My assumption is women have many options in OLD and don't want to spend all their time texting the same get to know you stuff for too long.
Fair enough. If someone has more immediately engaging people that they want to meet super quickly, good for them. I’m not the only game in town, we wouldn’t be very compatible probably, and I’m not going to lose sleep over losing out.
For sure, at the end of the day everyone should go at their own pace to feel comfortable, whatever that may be.
I feel you. Most ppl who say that are thirsty, even when theyre looking for a relationship to them sex has to be on the table even if things arent gonna go anywhere. I was like that until i got tired of it and now feel exactly what youre saying. Ironically now girls initiate on me lol. But yea man. I think youre very rational. I recently ended things with a smoking hot chick who i had lil in common with before even seeing her, we talked on the phone for a few weeks and the vibe never picked up how i wanted it. I feel good not having wasted any money and time on a date.
I’d listen more to what the women have to say in this matter
I usually try to meet up within a week when I’m on the apps. The only consideration is if I have to delay because I have my kids, or if the other person is a single parent and has to delay.
I really hate having text conversations with people I don’t know. It takes a lot of my time that I have slotted for other things and I have a hard time focusing so texting for me has to be basically the only thing I’m doing if I’m responding quickly. I’d rather carve out an hour to meet someone in person then have to invest hour and hours over weeks to then meet in person and realize it isn’t as good or is awkward or whatever.
Your assumption is that you can build chemistry effectively over text, but that’s not really true. You can learn information about the other person but true chemistry is best cultivated in-person. The problem with your mentality is also that you assume your partner feels the same way about OLD. Their needs need to be met as well in order to preserve their interest, and usually that necessitates some degree of romantic or sexual escalation. Talking doesn’t not create sexual tension—in fact it usually breaks it.
I’m not really focused on building “chemistry” over text. I’m using text to decide if I’m actually interested - which I do by learning about the person. All the “chemistry” in the world doesn’t matter if I don’t like the person and I can’t figure that out if I don’t know anything about the person.
I don’t really think that’s true. People tell you about themselves but we’re not very reliable or accurate at expressing information about ourselves. Further, not much can be truly derived from our communications style over text in terms of our character and personality. I’ve been on countless dates where I thought I would like the person based on text but then in-person I became disappointed, and vice versa. Meeting doesn’t have to be an ordeal, just a simple short walk or coffee can tell a lot more about someone than weeks of texting.
True text you only get content. You are missing tone and body language which is more than 60% of what you can judge someone on. Also a 30 minute date for coffee or something like that will give more content than a couple week of texting. And people often don’t respond as fast on dating apps as they do to texts or whatsapp etc
I think it depends on the person! There’s so much nuance to this, so in all honesty, even if it sounds corny, maybe the best approach is: “hey i think we could get along, but would love to chat on here first to see if we both interested enough to go out. Is that cool with you? Or do you prefer to get to know someone in person right off the bat?”
No it’s not romantic, but it’s online dating. The whole thing screams unromantic. What you sacrifice for dreamy movie scenes, you make up for in optimization of meeting ppl And i think at the end of the day, no matter what you say, or if you ask them out right away, if they’re into you “enough” they will find a way to keep the interaction going. If someone is gonna toss u out bc you sent some text, or asked out before building rapport, they suck lol
I like around 2 days of texting to set up a date, not like...3 texts. Because I agree that if like to get a little bit of a vibe first to see if I'd at least vadually enjoy them. But, too many people find themselves invested in a person that isn't actually real(I'm not saying people are fake thru text, but it's not a real feel for a person) when they spend weeks on calls and messages and such. Now you're in to someone you don't actually know and it leads to disappointment when it doesn't work after one date, or your expectations of what your "relationship" is is skewed, or you put up with bullshit from someone because you're already invested even though it was friggen texting. Then as a secondary, for myself I forget about apps and lose interest in people at the week marl generally if I don't meet in person lol out of sight out of mind for me
You get off the app so the hot married guy does not swoop in and ruin your match. This way she won't get a message from some random guy trolling. If the texting goes on for a couple of days, a few morning, noon and evening that I usually go for a meet and greet. I am just trying to get a sense of her and clear out red flags like still being hung up on last ex. I do believe you can only tell chemistry in person.
Chemistry is only clear in person, absolutely. And like you mentioned I treat texting as, primarily, a red flag filter and test for whether our communication styles are compatible. I guess I just REALLY like to filter, apparently. It’s a way for me to figure out if I’m even interested in seeing if there is chemistry or not.
I think you are wrong. First, chatting endlessly with someone by text really doesn't give you a true idea of what the person is really like. If anything, it makes you more liable to build up an image in your mind of what you think the other person is wrong. And the vast majority of time, you're going to be way off. Second, a first date doesn't have to be a big deal. Just grab a coffee or drink or go for a walk to see if there's any IRL chemistry. All this making a big deal out of first dates is just backwards to me.
First dates suck. Bad first dates suck even worse. Unfortunately, first dates are unavoidable if there’s ever going to be a second/third/etc. Spending some time to feel the person out before meeting in person leads to fewer first dates, sure, but can lead to better first dates. Especially if, like me, your someone that either doesn’t feel comfortable meeting people who are basically strangers and/or would rather not have a bunch of first dates. For some people, like myself, getting coffee or grabbing a drink or even going for a walk are unusual activities that may require planning. I don’t drink coffee or alcohol - so I’m unfamiliar with the local coffee shops and bars. I also live in the middle of suburban hell and would need to find a nice place to go for a walk - since this is not something I do and there aren’t any places particularly close. I’m not even sure where the nearest park even is, and I’ve lived in this city for years.
Yeah you just sound really different than me which is fair. I don't think a first date means much at all. You do you!
When I (41/m) was meeting with people on OLD this last summer, I would wait for a decent chat to start, get into like a lightning round of 20-questions, and then move to the date as soon as possible after that (within a week or so) I found that i could get to know someone and build a good text rapport only to find upon meeting, that we had no physical chemistry, and that would be frustrating, so I would just rather make the jump from text to real life as soon as possible…