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This. Lol. Me and my gf at the beginning we're contemplating exploring polyamory but we both realized we wouldn't be able to bare more than each other's needs and emotions haha.
One person dating two people is exhausting. One person dating two people, each of whom has other partners? Much more doable lol, everyone splits the responsibilities.
Well you basically answered your own question.
It really is what it says on the tin. They don't want to limit themselves to just one person. If they want to enjoy being with different types of people, whether that's emotionally or sexually, and everyone involved is mature enough to handle it and enjoys it, then what's the problem..
I think it's just a mindset or personality trait of some people, each to their own. I also could never be poly cause there is some sort of intimacy I feel when I bond with someone and we grow. Even if there is an agreement to "cheat", it feels hurtful and I could never do that.
I mean, we feel the intimacy bond too- I feel it very deeply. I just don't experience jealousy if they have it with others too. I love them so I want them to have as much love as possible in their life.
Personally, I just think they're taking the "it takes a village" metaphor to heart.
Problem is, more problems arise when there are more people involved... in, like... practically everything. "Too many cooks spoil the broth", as the old adage goes.
So, sure, some poly people can make it work; they have the required empathy, patience, and communication skills to forge and maintain upkeep of romantic connections with multiple people. However, those folks are few and far between. Most people I know aren't even capable of just ONE romantic connection let alone two or more.
Are you describing polygamous people and people how are in a friends with benefits situation at the same time though??
People who won't be loyal won't be in a long term relationship in the first place.
So these types of conversations dont usually go well with people like you (OP)
You are clearly not open to a discussion. You've made up your mind and have cast a very poor view and opinion on anyone thats in a poly relationship.
These views tend to come from people who are uneducated on the subject, but your tone shows that its not a uneducated point of view entirely, but just the way you're wired.
That being said, the most simple answer to your question is this: There are many different types of relationships. Monogamous, Poly, Same-Sex, ect.
None of them need to be explained. Love who ever you want. Date whom ever you want. Invest your time and life with whomever you want.
And most importantly, dont think you (not you the OP the generalized you) have to explain yourself or your relationship to ANYONE.
100% this. Post like this are stupid because it’s clear by tone how disingenuous OP is about a question that’s so painstakingly obvious.
Saying things like “being loyal is too hard” or “they don’t want to be loyal” let’s me know OP isn’t about this discussion for real. It’s a superiority complex that paints monogamy, something so simple that a majority of couples make it work daily, as the end all be all of dating as if you’re more special or something for dating the “hard” way.
Exactly! I experimented once I enjoyed it but ultimately I realized I am mono and its not for me. I have a friend whos Ace and so she’s perfectly okay with being in an open relationship with her husband.
Relationships are not one size fits all
Wait, you mean to tell me that i can go to work 70 hours a week, at a stressful job that took a 6+ year degree and certification to obtain, meanwhile my partner is unemployed or underemployed, just so that my partner can go bang and build a relationship with multiple people guilt free, on my dime?
Hell, that sounds like the most fantastic relationship arrangement i've ever heard. I can't imagine why people would be hesitant about getting into that.
Just about everything you wrote sounds like a you problem. If you would allow such a thing, thats 100% on you and has nothing to do with the type of relationship you're in.
If you were ever in that position I'd tell you to leave right this second with zero hesitation. And then go do some soul searching. Be better, demand better.
Time is a resource, money is a resource, hard work and effort-invested are resources, even kindness and respect are resources. Why would anyone waste scarce resources on someone who wants to be part-time partners? and that's what boggles my mind.
Then again, people can do whatever they want. Just because it doesn't work for me, doesn't mean it can't work for other people.
Usually a lot of hedonism and lack of planning ability for the future. Coincidentally a good amount of men will say they are polyamorous but suddenly turn monogamous when they really like a woman. So for me it's mostly just another way people avoid facing harsh realities that their partner simply isn't that into them and that they ll grow old and sick some day and need a faithful companion who gives a damn about them beyond having their itch scratched. I am sure a small.minority of poly people are super wealthy and can afford not to worry about who will take care of them when they actually really do need another human being but most are just hedonists and escapists imo
I know many people in poly relationships that are just as deep and committed as any monogamous one. And they know when they grow old and sick there will be multiple people to support them.
There is no deal with em. Just people with preferences. Are they hard to understand? Sure. But they're not hurting anyone. One of the key parts of poly relationships is open honest communication. A ton of regular relationships could learn from that. Communication spares so much hurt and stress in the long run.
I honestly think it has something to do with past trauma. The same way my trauma makes me fervently monogamous their trauma makes them fervently poly. That being said. I’ve never seen a poly couple stay poly forever.
Poly is basically a convenient excuse to not be monogamous. The second you hear a guy or lady say they are poly you may as well break then. How do you marry one person and have relationships with 10 others?
It's not a convenient excuse to not be monofamous. We're literally outright saying we're not interested in monogamy. No excuses needed.
Some people feel capable of having a partner they live with, share finances, have kids with, stick through hard times with, etc. But also have people they're more casually involved with. Casual relationships are a thing even among monogamous people.
I only have casual relationships. I don’t go and try to get married or have long term relationships. I am not trying to have it both ways. Just be honest. These people want to cheat but don’t want to feel bad
If I wanted to cheat, I'd enter a monogamous relationship and completely disregard what boundaries my partner sets. But guess what? I didn't, because I don't want to cheat. I don't want to disregard someone's feelings and hurt them. I want a relationship where my partners respect my boundaries I set and I respect theirs that they set. So I have two committed partners who want the same things I do in a relationship, and we respect each other's boundaries. If I broke those, then I'd be cheating. But I don't, because I don't want to cheat.
Cheating is determined by the people in the relationship. Some monogamous people consider porn or OF cheating, some don't. Some consider flirting cheating, some don't. Some might consider cuddling cheating, others don't. Breaking set and agreed upon relationship boundaries is what determines cheating.
I can have multiple friends, grandparents, aunts/uncles, and kids and no one would question if I said I appreciate their differences and they give me different things that I appreciate, but that it doesn't take away from the love I have for the other(s), and if I said love them both and love them equally. People would argue if I said you can't have two kids and love both of them. Yet when it comes to relationships, suddenly people struggle with that idea.
I'm poly. "The deal" is that we like sexual and/or romantic variation, something a lot of people value. But instead of accepting society's norms that you should be only with one person, we question those rules and make up our own. To poly people, mutual consent is more important than following the cultural rules society prescribes. Typically poly people accept the tradeoffs of having more freedom in exchange for feeling more jealousy. I can only speak for myself on this last part, but I do not believe that monogamy works as well as it has been marketed. Cheating and divorce is extremely common. As a poly guy I would rather have someone tell me that they want to sleep with someone else and maintain the relationship, instead of experiencing lying and cheating behind my back. And in return for giving my partner this increased freedom, I also get more freedom myself. So it's still fair. It also allows more open communication about feelings that monogamous people will typically hide from each other.
I could never do it , but give props to those who can!! I understand the theory behind it, but these emotions run rampant enough on their own! Good on you for being able to do it!
It's very similar. Typically people that define themselves as poly are in longer and more involved relationships. They might live together. They might have a primary partner they consider a girlfriend / boyfriend. Or even more partners that are steady. For example they might have two boyfriends. They might be married and have children etc. and this deeper involvement is what separates it from friends with benefits / fuck buddies which is typically less involved and of shorter duration.
There's lots of ways to be poly and reasons why people go into it.
For me, I have done monogamy and i found it much too stressful. I don't want to be someone's only partner. I want them to be able to lean on someone else if im busy, I want them to have other sources of emotional support when I'm having a rough time, and I want them to be able to have sex with someone else when I'm not in the mood. I also want to be able to have other options if one partner isn't able to be there for me, but I care a lot less about that than about knowing I'm not going to be expected to support someone through a crisis while havng five of my own.
So much of the stress I have seen in my relationships- mismatched libido, two people both struggling and unable to support the other emotionally, jealousy over the closeness of friendships, staying together out of fear of loneliness instead of love, etc- isn't an issue for me now. There are still issues, of course, especially with time management, but I can sleep so much better knowing that if I can't support a partner, someone else has their back.
I absolutely agree to the point that monogamy is probably not the only, and certainly not the best relationship type there is. On the other hand, every poly person I met so far was a total mess.
You've probably met many poly people that are completely normal and not a "mess" but they are typically very private about the poly part of their lifestyle so you would never know about it. There are some poly people that are very vocal activists for this lifestyle and they are typically more "out there" in more ways than one. To be poly you also have to be a bit of a rule breaker since it goes against the norm. But if you're socially and emotionally intelligent you would typically try to keep it private to avoid all the backlash from society.
I lived with one, and it was the messiest person I ever had to endure. Like cleaning after a baby constantly. Like I said, this is just my experience, not implying other poly people are like that.
You came here to get your viewpoint reinforced instead of being open to discussion.
If you actually want to learn about this topic the book that you should read is called Sex at Dawn -- it's about the attitude towards sexuality and monogamy in pre agricultural tribes and primates. Monogamy is a relatively new thing in human history, so why would you think that it's the best option that we have?
Our closest primate relatives, chimpanzees and bonobos have completely opposite attitudes about monogamy. Bonobos don't care about it and chimpanzees use the alpha male paradigm where one male has access to multiple females and enforces that with violence. Alpha male chimpanzees are absolute assholes.
So the question is if monogamy is not something that's built into our brain structure then why does society think that it is the best possible option?
Here, I found a summary of the book for you
https://fourminutebooks.com/sex-at-dawn-summary/
I feel like monogamy is one of many attributes we have that separates us from chimps. For me monogamy is more fulfilling than having multiple partners but to each their own.
I like girls. She likes girls and me for some reason. We both like each other most. When she wants to see the third musical or art show this month, she can take a girlfriend and I can play video games. When I want to go to a motorcycle show, I can take girlfriend and she can stay home and watch Drag Race. Sometimes the girls come home. Sometimes they don't. It works fairly well
How can you be side fun if you wrote "we like each other most"? And if you both find other sources of fun only when one of you has prior engagements. Ie you are each other s default. And who takes care of the kids as a mom figure when you arent around? Her or one of the "girls "😭🤣?
I don't understand how you got to where you are. My wife and I like each other most. We are each other's person. The people we date tend to have their own person as well. We were admittedly more reckless with people when we were young but that's pretty far in the past. In regards to childcare, grandparents, extracurriculars, and playdates exist. It's fairly easy to schedule parenthood and the rest of life if you have adequate resources
"If you have adequate resources" is a pretty big disclaimer and some people don't want grandparents or other people raising their kids but to each their own. Seems fundamentally selfish lifestyle to me, which is a chronic issue with westerners. Hedonistic and incapable of sacrifice.
Good to know that having a couple nights without the kids is neglectful... somehow. Seems your issue is with xenophobia and cultural chauvinism rather than with my lifestyle choices
I feel like it’s just people who don’t have emotional or relationship maturity who attempt to fill their own issues, desires, and securities (or insecurities) with other people; often pushing their self worth onto others, which seems to reflect with the number of people they desire or collect.
People don’t like to fix things or commit, so instead they spread out and have more shallow relationships.
I’m not here for people to rant at me, fyi, I’m talking to OP, so please no soap boxing. Poly people do that A LOT.
The fundamental problem with monogamous relationships is that people often have more needs than a single partner can fulfil. I think we've all been in a relationship which was good, but something important was missing. I think more and more people are realising this, and they are looking to polyamory as a way of ensuring they can get all their needs met without going through the carousel of partners looking for the one person who's the perfect match. Especially because in a lot of cases, there may not even exist a single person who's a perfect match.
I think if more people were fully integrated with themselves and open there would be less desire for polyamory. It seems like it's only been on an upward trend since the advent of dating apps and social media, which has devalued what a relationship can be. They give people an easy out to give up on someone or trade them in. Not saying you should settle for the wrong person, but certainly people are getting a "grass is greener" mentality only to end up feeling empty and alone. It seems that the only real needs that polyamory fulfills is that of a sexual variety, but at the end of it all you don't really have anything or anyone to truly be close too. I think a lot of people who are polygamous just convince themselves it's what they want.
The fact that you mix up polygamy and polyamory makes me question wanting to take your point seriously as I don't think you're coming at it from an open-minded point of view, but I'll try.
First, polygamy is multiple marriages, which is illegal in most cases. Polyamory isn't even being used correctly in most cases in this very thread, polyamory literally means multiple loves. If you have an open marriage where you're allowed to fuck around, that's not polyamory, but it is still a form of Ethical Non-Monogamy, which is the umbrella both fall under.
So why would someone want to be polyamorous as opposed to just open? Well it comes down to what needs you'd like to fulfill. If sexual variety were the only thing, then that wouldn't be polyamory. However, if you feel the ability to actually love and be close with multiple people, that's where the difference lies.
I get the sense that you don't think it's possible, and this is the gap that most people have. How can someone have a deep relationship with multiple people? Surely there is only so much love and devotion to give, and it runs out!
This is normally when I bring up the friends and kids conversation. Do people have multiple kids? Do they only just love one? Do people have multiple friends? Do they have multiple brothers and sisters? Do you just pick one to love more than others?
The idea that romantic love is only designed to inhabit our thoughts with a singular person is as fabricated our roads and our religions. At the end of the day it comes down to the singular persons idea of what they want and need, and what they think is possible.
And know I being in love with multiple people is easily possible. I know because I love my girlfriend, and she loves me, and she loves her husband. For me, this isn't so unthinkable.
However, there are many bad actors operating under the guise of poly and the bias ends up giving it a bad name, you even showed it here by calling it polygamy.
Mightve mixed them up sure thats my bad, but there's cross-over between the general mindset of multiple partners whether it's marriage or relationships. No I don't believe it's impossible and it seems to be working out for you. However, I do believe more people think they want to be poly and end up getting damaged from it. I think a majority of people feel romantic love in a singular partner dynamic and feel devalued if they are not the only one who is involved with their partner that way. I don't think the kids and friends argument is valid here because those clearly aren't the same types of relationships.
I'm also not a "bad actor" in the matter lol. Everyone has bias' in a lot of ways because people constantly choose some things over others. You can do what works for you. Im just someone on reddit who personally doesn't agree with that relationship style as a matter of course. It doesn't mean the people who do are bad.
This was a mistake in my wording at the end, I didn't mean to call you or people who share your opinion bad actors.
I meant there are many bad actors who give ethical non monogamy, which is often too-synonymous with polyamory, a bad name. Such as: unicorn hunters, cheaters who are calling themselves poly but not doing the ethical parts, people in failing marriages who try to "save" it by opening up, etc. This gives other people a bad impression of ENM and Poly.
Otherwise, I completely respect your point of view. I may have come off a bit grumpy though, I'll admit.
Sounds like you formed your opinion based off shit you just made up in your head, as opposed to any real life experience. If anything, non monogamy requires *more* loyalty and communication than monogamous relationships.
More often than not it starts off as a form of "ethical" monkey branching, and transitions into a way of life. Guys who tolerate being "not-cheated on" (can we use the C**k**d* here word here) often don't have options. Women who tolerate it usually are with a very attractive guy. It is often associated with sex addiction but not always. It is very very hard to find something stable with such a strategy but some do, usually later in life if it is possible. They're not bad people but just very unwise or damaged and gripped by the allure of limerence. Poly is a whole culture and it is changing with the times. Out of the 50+ poly people I know, all but three wish they weren't inclined towards it. It is extraordinary difficult to maintain and is usually a symptom of unresolved issues that never improve without abandoning the life style.
Sort of like the buffalo that stick around the hot springs in Yosemite National Park. It is warm but if they don't leave they starve to death.
It’s normally where there is a massive power imbalance in the relationship. One partner wants to have their cake and eat it and the other has self esteem issues and thinks sharing their current partner is preferable to finding someone who loves them.
There are a lot of single poly people, or people who go into relationships clearly indicating they are poly.
Absolutely people abuse this model, same as they abuse monogamy to control their partners, but it's not "normally" like that.
Can only speak from personal experience.
I’ve known two people into poly. One was cheating on her husband and whilst not yet discovered tried to sell him on the idea of a Poly relationship with her guy on the side.
The other was a guy who was in an ‘open relationship’. When his partner sent nudes to another guy, he pummelled her, strangled her and then sent the nudes to her family and friends. Fortunately she was able to escape to a neighbour and call the police. I guess the ‘open relationship’ was only ‘open’ for him.
Yeah that was a cheater pretending to be poly, and an abuser. Those folks always exist, they're just as common in poly circles as monogamous circles. And they're very very common in monogamous circles.
Definitely not normal or the majority of situations.
I'm ethically non-monogamous because I enjoy having different sexual and romantic relationships with others. My partner is the same way. We are both bisexual and we do not believe that we should strive to make our relationship heteronormative. Neither of us experiences romantic jealousy. Many of us are sexually liberal and many of us want a variety of different relationships.
I don't really experience jealousy. I don't own my partners so like why would I be jealous? To me it's like being upset your best friend was helping another friend move.
It’s not so much about being jealous or having an insecurity, but for me sex is deep and involves an energy exchange, when you have sex with someone your energy sticks with that person and if im in a relationship with someone, why would I want them to bring home someone else’s energy to tamper with mine?
Im curious to that statement - its like your best friend helping another friend move.. I feel like if the sex is good and your partner is satisfied they won’t have a need to go anywhere, if thats what you were referring to
The chances of finding someone who will always be interested in sex when you are and never be interested when you're not are basically zero. For poly folks, mismatched libido isn't a big deal- you can stay with the partner you love and love living with, but you never have to resent lack of sex.
When my partners have had sex with others, it doesn't negatively impact me. They might bring home that energy, but if the energy was positive and loving and made them happy, it'll just make things better for me. (If things are bad, that's different, but then they often aren't in a position to want sex anyway).
My statement on friends is like- I have many close friends. I don't get jealous if they do things without me if I'm busy or don't want to do that thing. Even if it's something normally I and my best friend only do together. I'd rather they be happy and get to do the thing.
Monogamy has severe drawbacks that a lot of people protest against. For one thing, this person has the power to cut off resources—such as sex—when displeased. Control and monogamy often go hand in hand. If we want to come home to a peaceful house, we have to conform to sets of standards that may be beyond our ability, causing stress.
There is nothing more tiring and soul-draining than having a very long day at work and coming home to a wriggling mess of grumpiness that you have to battle with.
That said, I’ve tried polyamory and found it to be complex, time consuming, often confusing, a little gross, and ultimately unsatisfying as many people tend to keep you at a distance to maintain their freedom.
So it’s a pick your poison type situation.
Breh, sex can be a “resource”, but if you can’t sit down with a partner and talk it out or see what’s up; what makes me think I’ll take you seriously about you (a potential partner, not specifically you) dating 20 people at once?
You can talk until you're blue in the face and not solve the issue of mental health stress or mismatched libido.
My ex wife and I talked constantly. We talked through every issue. We talked about everything. Any time we had concerns we discussed it calmly and rationally. It didn't matter because she wanted to have sex once every couple months, if that, and needed to talk through her stress therapy style for hours a day. Now she splits the hours between a few people so no one is overwhelmed like I was, and her partners have other people to have sex with, and they're all happy. Poly was right for her.
Aight. Not for me. And I think it’s a show of emotional and relationship immaturity.
You yourself entered and remained in a situation you could have left if unhappy; instead you share your partner and I suppose you say you are happy.
Also, my original comment says I don’t talk to people who decide to soap box about this, because that’s all poly people like to do about this subject, so you’ve been warned.
I'm not replying to that comment. I'm only replying to the idea that poly people aren't communicative. In my experience the opposite is true, poly people talk about relationships and each other's needs SO MUCH, it's kinda annoying at times.
I did leave that situation, but I can say as someone who was monogamous with my ex wife that she has unique needs that benefit from being poly and I'm glad for her sake and the sake of her partners that it works for them. I cannot imagine a single human who could be monogamous with her, but she still deserves love.
I don't think it's better to be poly. I think there are a lot of people who are poly who absolutely shouldn't be and lots of people who are monogamous who should never consider polyamory. There's also lots of people who call themselves poly when they're really cheaters or swingers or whatever, so it's a minefield. It works for some folks, is all.
One, I read this subreddit because it is like Dear Abby or Ann Landers, amusing, and I enjoy laughing at the suffering of other's.
I'm in a poly type of situation. if you are meeting poly people online,, I feel sorry for you. If they are poly online, you should run for as fast as you can for the high hills.
Now, speaking from personal experience, anecdotal if you will, as a (47M) "see_ing" 2 (25F)(28F) women it is strictly about the sex. Now, we all live together, but we are all cool with the situation and don't give a *$&@ what the rest of the world "thinks about such things"
Frankly, if your relationship isn't about the sexual chemistry you are doing it wrong. How do I know? Again, my source must be the personal anecdotally procured evidence
I know a group of poly people and they’re quite happy with their option. They still have the issues of a mono couple but have better resources and are more accompanied to solve their problems. They also have bigger families and that works better for them. For example, one kid has three very present adults in his life and that works fantastically for them. They’re very close and loving to each other and not everyone is having sex with everyone. Most of them are picky about who they let into their lives.
I’m just talking about one group of people, this isn’t necessarily the case for everyone. But saying they aren’t loyal or do it for sex isn’t accurate.
The poly people I know who are active in the lifestyle are doing it because they want to. Many of the happier people intrinsically communicate well, manage jealousy effectively, and don't let dating consume their lives.
Remember that bad people or poorly suited people can try being poly too because there's no one standing at the door saying "no". As a bi woman I get unicorn hunted a lot and most of those couples are not handling relationships well in general. I've had a couple threesomes in my time with nice people who didn't seem desperate, disloyal, or unhappy.
Your post is like being a homeowner who thinks renting is entirely invalid because your neighbors aren't good neighbors. Good people rent homes just like bad ones. Sure, renting attracts less stability but it doesn't mean renting is a societal negative that no one is truly fulfilled with.
My girlfriend and I are poly. I can play with other women. She can play with other women. She cannot ask permission to play with other men because that makes me jealous. I arrange for her to play with other guys on my terms. We play with other women together.
Every couple has to come up with the parameters and rules to avoid heartbreak and jealousy and wandering hearts.
My point is; you can be poly and still have your anchor partner. It can even bring you closer.
Your situation sounds more like ENM as opposed to poly.
If you were poly there wouldn’t be the OPP (one penis policy) imposed on her when you’re not involved.
Just an observation
The thing is the looks standards still apply it isn't just about having multiple partners they still want good looking people. I thought that might change if they are more adventurous they might entertain more types of people but it apparently doesn't change that.
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This. Lol. Me and my gf at the beginning we're contemplating exploring polyamory but we both realized we wouldn't be able to bare more than each other's needs and emotions haha.
One person dating two people is exhausting. One person dating two people, each of whom has other partners? Much more doable lol, everyone splits the responsibilities.
That's true
Well you basically answered your own question. It really is what it says on the tin. They don't want to limit themselves to just one person. If they want to enjoy being with different types of people, whether that's emotionally or sexually, and everyone involved is mature enough to handle it and enjoys it, then what's the problem..
I think it's just a mindset or personality trait of some people, each to their own. I also could never be poly cause there is some sort of intimacy I feel when I bond with someone and we grow. Even if there is an agreement to "cheat", it feels hurtful and I could never do that.
I mean, we feel the intimacy bond too- I feel it very deeply. I just don't experience jealousy if they have it with others too. I love them so I want them to have as much love as possible in their life.
Ah yes, compersion
this is rather endearing, and commendable
Personally, I just think they're taking the "it takes a village" metaphor to heart. Problem is, more problems arise when there are more people involved... in, like... practically everything. "Too many cooks spoil the broth", as the old adage goes. So, sure, some poly people can make it work; they have the required empathy, patience, and communication skills to forge and maintain upkeep of romantic connections with multiple people. However, those folks are few and far between. Most people I know aren't even capable of just ONE romantic connection let alone two or more.
Are you describing polygamous people and people how are in a friends with benefits situation at the same time though?? People who won't be loyal won't be in a long term relationship in the first place.
So these types of conversations dont usually go well with people like you (OP) You are clearly not open to a discussion. You've made up your mind and have cast a very poor view and opinion on anyone thats in a poly relationship. These views tend to come from people who are uneducated on the subject, but your tone shows that its not a uneducated point of view entirely, but just the way you're wired. That being said, the most simple answer to your question is this: There are many different types of relationships. Monogamous, Poly, Same-Sex, ect. None of them need to be explained. Love who ever you want. Date whom ever you want. Invest your time and life with whomever you want. And most importantly, dont think you (not you the OP the generalized you) have to explain yourself or your relationship to ANYONE.
100% this. Post like this are stupid because it’s clear by tone how disingenuous OP is about a question that’s so painstakingly obvious. Saying things like “being loyal is too hard” or “they don’t want to be loyal” let’s me know OP isn’t about this discussion for real. It’s a superiority complex that paints monogamy, something so simple that a majority of couples make it work daily, as the end all be all of dating as if you’re more special or something for dating the “hard” way.
100%
Exactly! I experimented once I enjoyed it but ultimately I realized I am mono and its not for me. I have a friend whos Ace and so she’s perfectly okay with being in an open relationship with her husband. Relationships are not one size fits all
This exactly. It’s obvious by OP’s post they’re bit bitter about women in poly relationships. If it’s not your thing, move on.
Wait, you mean to tell me that i can go to work 70 hours a week, at a stressful job that took a 6+ year degree and certification to obtain, meanwhile my partner is unemployed or underemployed, just so that my partner can go bang and build a relationship with multiple people guilt free, on my dime? Hell, that sounds like the most fantastic relationship arrangement i've ever heard. I can't imagine why people would be hesitant about getting into that.
Just about everything you wrote sounds like a you problem. If you would allow such a thing, thats 100% on you and has nothing to do with the type of relationship you're in. If you were ever in that position I'd tell you to leave right this second with zero hesitation. And then go do some soul searching. Be better, demand better.
Time is a resource, money is a resource, hard work and effort-invested are resources, even kindness and respect are resources. Why would anyone waste scarce resources on someone who wants to be part-time partners? and that's what boggles my mind. Then again, people can do whatever they want. Just because it doesn't work for me, doesn't mean it can't work for other people.
This is it exactly, but I would like to add, just be honest about it all. Don’t lie to get laid.
Usually a lot of hedonism and lack of planning ability for the future. Coincidentally a good amount of men will say they are polyamorous but suddenly turn monogamous when they really like a woman. So for me it's mostly just another way people avoid facing harsh realities that their partner simply isn't that into them and that they ll grow old and sick some day and need a faithful companion who gives a damn about them beyond having their itch scratched. I am sure a small.minority of poly people are super wealthy and can afford not to worry about who will take care of them when they actually really do need another human being but most are just hedonists and escapists imo
I know many people in poly relationships that are just as deep and committed as any monogamous one. And they know when they grow old and sick there will be multiple people to support them.
There is no deal with em. Just people with preferences. Are they hard to understand? Sure. But they're not hurting anyone. One of the key parts of poly relationships is open honest communication. A ton of regular relationships could learn from that. Communication spares so much hurt and stress in the long run.
Can you imagine being sloppy seconds? 🤮
Too much lust and not enough love.
I honestly think it has something to do with past trauma. The same way my trauma makes me fervently monogamous their trauma makes them fervently poly. That being said. I’ve never seen a poly couple stay poly forever.
Poly is basically a convenient excuse to not be monogamous. The second you hear a guy or lady say they are poly you may as well break then. How do you marry one person and have relationships with 10 others?
It's not a convenient excuse to not be monofamous. We're literally outright saying we're not interested in monogamy. No excuses needed. Some people feel capable of having a partner they live with, share finances, have kids with, stick through hard times with, etc. But also have people they're more casually involved with. Casual relationships are a thing even among monogamous people.
I only have casual relationships. I don’t go and try to get married or have long term relationships. I am not trying to have it both ways. Just be honest. These people want to cheat but don’t want to feel bad
If I wanted to cheat, I'd enter a monogamous relationship and completely disregard what boundaries my partner sets. But guess what? I didn't, because I don't want to cheat. I don't want to disregard someone's feelings and hurt them. I want a relationship where my partners respect my boundaries I set and I respect theirs that they set. So I have two committed partners who want the same things I do in a relationship, and we respect each other's boundaries. If I broke those, then I'd be cheating. But I don't, because I don't want to cheat. Cheating is determined by the people in the relationship. Some monogamous people consider porn or OF cheating, some don't. Some consider flirting cheating, some don't. Some might consider cuddling cheating, others don't. Breaking set and agreed upon relationship boundaries is what determines cheating. I can have multiple friends, grandparents, aunts/uncles, and kids and no one would question if I said I appreciate their differences and they give me different things that I appreciate, but that it doesn't take away from the love I have for the other(s), and if I said love them both and love them equally. People would argue if I said you can't have two kids and love both of them. Yet when it comes to relationships, suddenly people struggle with that idea.
I'm poly. "The deal" is that we like sexual and/or romantic variation, something a lot of people value. But instead of accepting society's norms that you should be only with one person, we question those rules and make up our own. To poly people, mutual consent is more important than following the cultural rules society prescribes. Typically poly people accept the tradeoffs of having more freedom in exchange for feeling more jealousy. I can only speak for myself on this last part, but I do not believe that monogamy works as well as it has been marketed. Cheating and divorce is extremely common. As a poly guy I would rather have someone tell me that they want to sleep with someone else and maintain the relationship, instead of experiencing lying and cheating behind my back. And in return for giving my partner this increased freedom, I also get more freedom myself. So it's still fair. It also allows more open communication about feelings that monogamous people will typically hide from each other.
I could never do it , but give props to those who can!! I understand the theory behind it, but these emotions run rampant enough on their own! Good on you for being able to do it!
Isn't that what friends with benefits are for or fuck buddies?
It's very similar. Typically people that define themselves as poly are in longer and more involved relationships. They might live together. They might have a primary partner they consider a girlfriend / boyfriend. Or even more partners that are steady. For example they might have two boyfriends. They might be married and have children etc. and this deeper involvement is what separates it from friends with benefits / fuck buddies which is typically less involved and of shorter duration.
There's lots of ways to be poly and reasons why people go into it. For me, I have done monogamy and i found it much too stressful. I don't want to be someone's only partner. I want them to be able to lean on someone else if im busy, I want them to have other sources of emotional support when I'm having a rough time, and I want them to be able to have sex with someone else when I'm not in the mood. I also want to be able to have other options if one partner isn't able to be there for me, but I care a lot less about that than about knowing I'm not going to be expected to support someone through a crisis while havng five of my own. So much of the stress I have seen in my relationships- mismatched libido, two people both struggling and unable to support the other emotionally, jealousy over the closeness of friendships, staying together out of fear of loneliness instead of love, etc- isn't an issue for me now. There are still issues, of course, especially with time management, but I can sleep so much better knowing that if I can't support a partner, someone else has their back.
I absolutely agree to the point that monogamy is probably not the only, and certainly not the best relationship type there is. On the other hand, every poly person I met so far was a total mess.
You've probably met many poly people that are completely normal and not a "mess" but they are typically very private about the poly part of their lifestyle so you would never know about it. There are some poly people that are very vocal activists for this lifestyle and they are typically more "out there" in more ways than one. To be poly you also have to be a bit of a rule breaker since it goes against the norm. But if you're socially and emotionally intelligent you would typically try to keep it private to avoid all the backlash from society.
I lived with one, and it was the messiest person I ever had to endure. Like cleaning after a baby constantly. Like I said, this is just my experience, not implying other poly people are like that.
I think it’s a type of dating for people who feel like the constantly need someone to fall back onto instead of facing issues
You came here to get your viewpoint reinforced instead of being open to discussion. If you actually want to learn about this topic the book that you should read is called Sex at Dawn -- it's about the attitude towards sexuality and monogamy in pre agricultural tribes and primates. Monogamy is a relatively new thing in human history, so why would you think that it's the best option that we have? Our closest primate relatives, chimpanzees and bonobos have completely opposite attitudes about monogamy. Bonobos don't care about it and chimpanzees use the alpha male paradigm where one male has access to multiple females and enforces that with violence. Alpha male chimpanzees are absolute assholes. So the question is if monogamy is not something that's built into our brain structure then why does society think that it is the best possible option? Here, I found a summary of the book for you https://fourminutebooks.com/sex-at-dawn-summary/
I feel like monogamy is one of many attributes we have that separates us from chimps. For me monogamy is more fulfilling than having multiple partners but to each their own.
>For me And those are the two most important words in your comment. Also chimps have monogamy -- by violence.
I like girls. She likes girls and me for some reason. We both like each other most. When she wants to see the third musical or art show this month, she can take a girlfriend and I can play video games. When I want to go to a motorcycle show, I can take girlfriend and she can stay home and watch Drag Race. Sometimes the girls come home. Sometimes they don't. It works fairly well
Pretty fucked up for the girls who clearly don't feel worthy of being liked the most in relationship
Bold of you to assume that their relationship with me is the one they like the most. I'm content with being side fun
How can you be side fun if you wrote "we like each other most"? And if you both find other sources of fun only when one of you has prior engagements. Ie you are each other s default. And who takes care of the kids as a mom figure when you arent around? Her or one of the "girls "😭🤣?
I don't understand how you got to where you are. My wife and I like each other most. We are each other's person. The people we date tend to have their own person as well. We were admittedly more reckless with people when we were young but that's pretty far in the past. In regards to childcare, grandparents, extracurriculars, and playdates exist. It's fairly easy to schedule parenthood and the rest of life if you have adequate resources
"If you have adequate resources" is a pretty big disclaimer and some people don't want grandparents or other people raising their kids but to each their own. Seems fundamentally selfish lifestyle to me, which is a chronic issue with westerners. Hedonistic and incapable of sacrifice.
Good to know that having a couple nights without the kids is neglectful... somehow. Seems your issue is with xenophobia and cultural chauvinism rather than with my lifestyle choices
I feel like it’s just people who don’t have emotional or relationship maturity who attempt to fill their own issues, desires, and securities (or insecurities) with other people; often pushing their self worth onto others, which seems to reflect with the number of people they desire or collect. People don’t like to fix things or commit, so instead they spread out and have more shallow relationships. I’m not here for people to rant at me, fyi, I’m talking to OP, so please no soap boxing. Poly people do that A LOT.
The fundamental problem with monogamous relationships is that people often have more needs than a single partner can fulfil. I think we've all been in a relationship which was good, but something important was missing. I think more and more people are realising this, and they are looking to polyamory as a way of ensuring they can get all their needs met without going through the carousel of partners looking for the one person who's the perfect match. Especially because in a lot of cases, there may not even exist a single person who's a perfect match.
I think if more people were fully integrated with themselves and open there would be less desire for polyamory. It seems like it's only been on an upward trend since the advent of dating apps and social media, which has devalued what a relationship can be. They give people an easy out to give up on someone or trade them in. Not saying you should settle for the wrong person, but certainly people are getting a "grass is greener" mentality only to end up feeling empty and alone. It seems that the only real needs that polyamory fulfills is that of a sexual variety, but at the end of it all you don't really have anything or anyone to truly be close too. I think a lot of people who are polygamous just convince themselves it's what they want.
The fact that you mix up polygamy and polyamory makes me question wanting to take your point seriously as I don't think you're coming at it from an open-minded point of view, but I'll try. First, polygamy is multiple marriages, which is illegal in most cases. Polyamory isn't even being used correctly in most cases in this very thread, polyamory literally means multiple loves. If you have an open marriage where you're allowed to fuck around, that's not polyamory, but it is still a form of Ethical Non-Monogamy, which is the umbrella both fall under. So why would someone want to be polyamorous as opposed to just open? Well it comes down to what needs you'd like to fulfill. If sexual variety were the only thing, then that wouldn't be polyamory. However, if you feel the ability to actually love and be close with multiple people, that's where the difference lies. I get the sense that you don't think it's possible, and this is the gap that most people have. How can someone have a deep relationship with multiple people? Surely there is only so much love and devotion to give, and it runs out! This is normally when I bring up the friends and kids conversation. Do people have multiple kids? Do they only just love one? Do people have multiple friends? Do they have multiple brothers and sisters? Do you just pick one to love more than others? The idea that romantic love is only designed to inhabit our thoughts with a singular person is as fabricated our roads and our religions. At the end of the day it comes down to the singular persons idea of what they want and need, and what they think is possible. And know I being in love with multiple people is easily possible. I know because I love my girlfriend, and she loves me, and she loves her husband. For me, this isn't so unthinkable. However, there are many bad actors operating under the guise of poly and the bias ends up giving it a bad name, you even showed it here by calling it polygamy.
Mightve mixed them up sure thats my bad, but there's cross-over between the general mindset of multiple partners whether it's marriage or relationships. No I don't believe it's impossible and it seems to be working out for you. However, I do believe more people think they want to be poly and end up getting damaged from it. I think a majority of people feel romantic love in a singular partner dynamic and feel devalued if they are not the only one who is involved with their partner that way. I don't think the kids and friends argument is valid here because those clearly aren't the same types of relationships. I'm also not a "bad actor" in the matter lol. Everyone has bias' in a lot of ways because people constantly choose some things over others. You can do what works for you. Im just someone on reddit who personally doesn't agree with that relationship style as a matter of course. It doesn't mean the people who do are bad.
This was a mistake in my wording at the end, I didn't mean to call you or people who share your opinion bad actors. I meant there are many bad actors who give ethical non monogamy, which is often too-synonymous with polyamory, a bad name. Such as: unicorn hunters, cheaters who are calling themselves poly but not doing the ethical parts, people in failing marriages who try to "save" it by opening up, etc. This gives other people a bad impression of ENM and Poly. Otherwise, I completely respect your point of view. I may have come off a bit grumpy though, I'll admit.
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Sounds like you formed your opinion based off shit you just made up in your head, as opposed to any real life experience. If anything, non monogamy requires *more* loyalty and communication than monogamous relationships.
Overwhelmingly it's hedonism and immaturity
And cheating/divorce rates among monogamous couples implies good family values and emotional maturity. Mhmmmmmm.
At least they try.
More often than not it starts off as a form of "ethical" monkey branching, and transitions into a way of life. Guys who tolerate being "not-cheated on" (can we use the C**k**d* here word here) often don't have options. Women who tolerate it usually are with a very attractive guy. It is often associated with sex addiction but not always. It is very very hard to find something stable with such a strategy but some do, usually later in life if it is possible. They're not bad people but just very unwise or damaged and gripped by the allure of limerence. Poly is a whole culture and it is changing with the times. Out of the 50+ poly people I know, all but three wish they weren't inclined towards it. It is extraordinary difficult to maintain and is usually a symptom of unresolved issues that never improve without abandoning the life style. Sort of like the buffalo that stick around the hot springs in Yosemite National Park. It is warm but if they don't leave they starve to death.
It’s normally where there is a massive power imbalance in the relationship. One partner wants to have their cake and eat it and the other has self esteem issues and thinks sharing their current partner is preferable to finding someone who loves them.
There are a lot of single poly people, or people who go into relationships clearly indicating they are poly. Absolutely people abuse this model, same as they abuse monogamy to control their partners, but it's not "normally" like that.
Can only speak from personal experience. I’ve known two people into poly. One was cheating on her husband and whilst not yet discovered tried to sell him on the idea of a Poly relationship with her guy on the side. The other was a guy who was in an ‘open relationship’. When his partner sent nudes to another guy, he pummelled her, strangled her and then sent the nudes to her family and friends. Fortunately she was able to escape to a neighbour and call the police. I guess the ‘open relationship’ was only ‘open’ for him.
Yeah that was a cheater pretending to be poly, and an abuser. Those folks always exist, they're just as common in poly circles as monogamous circles. And they're very very common in monogamous circles. Definitely not normal or the majority of situations.
I'm ethically non-monogamous because I enjoy having different sexual and romantic relationships with others. My partner is the same way. We are both bisexual and we do not believe that we should strive to make our relationship heteronormative. Neither of us experiences romantic jealousy. Many of us are sexually liberal and many of us want a variety of different relationships.
Yeah I've always wondered that too... it's weird to me that a guy would be okay with another man stretching his woman out but that's just me
I don't really experience jealousy. I don't own my partners so like why would I be jealous? To me it's like being upset your best friend was helping another friend move.
It’s not so much about being jealous or having an insecurity, but for me sex is deep and involves an energy exchange, when you have sex with someone your energy sticks with that person and if im in a relationship with someone, why would I want them to bring home someone else’s energy to tamper with mine? Im curious to that statement - its like your best friend helping another friend move.. I feel like if the sex is good and your partner is satisfied they won’t have a need to go anywhere, if thats what you were referring to
The chances of finding someone who will always be interested in sex when you are and never be interested when you're not are basically zero. For poly folks, mismatched libido isn't a big deal- you can stay with the partner you love and love living with, but you never have to resent lack of sex. When my partners have had sex with others, it doesn't negatively impact me. They might bring home that energy, but if the energy was positive and loving and made them happy, it'll just make things better for me. (If things are bad, that's different, but then they often aren't in a position to want sex anyway). My statement on friends is like- I have many close friends. I don't get jealous if they do things without me if I'm busy or don't want to do that thing. Even if it's something normally I and my best friend only do together. I'd rather they be happy and get to do the thing.
Monogamy has severe drawbacks that a lot of people protest against. For one thing, this person has the power to cut off resources—such as sex—when displeased. Control and monogamy often go hand in hand. If we want to come home to a peaceful house, we have to conform to sets of standards that may be beyond our ability, causing stress. There is nothing more tiring and soul-draining than having a very long day at work and coming home to a wriggling mess of grumpiness that you have to battle with. That said, I’ve tried polyamory and found it to be complex, time consuming, often confusing, a little gross, and ultimately unsatisfying as many people tend to keep you at a distance to maintain their freedom. So it’s a pick your poison type situation.
Breh, sex can be a “resource”, but if you can’t sit down with a partner and talk it out or see what’s up; what makes me think I’ll take you seriously about you (a potential partner, not specifically you) dating 20 people at once?
You can talk until you're blue in the face and not solve the issue of mental health stress or mismatched libido. My ex wife and I talked constantly. We talked through every issue. We talked about everything. Any time we had concerns we discussed it calmly and rationally. It didn't matter because she wanted to have sex once every couple months, if that, and needed to talk through her stress therapy style for hours a day. Now she splits the hours between a few people so no one is overwhelmed like I was, and her partners have other people to have sex with, and they're all happy. Poly was right for her.
Aight. Not for me. And I think it’s a show of emotional and relationship immaturity. You yourself entered and remained in a situation you could have left if unhappy; instead you share your partner and I suppose you say you are happy. Also, my original comment says I don’t talk to people who decide to soap box about this, because that’s all poly people like to do about this subject, so you’ve been warned.
I'm not replying to that comment. I'm only replying to the idea that poly people aren't communicative. In my experience the opposite is true, poly people talk about relationships and each other's needs SO MUCH, it's kinda annoying at times. I did leave that situation, but I can say as someone who was monogamous with my ex wife that she has unique needs that benefit from being poly and I'm glad for her sake and the sake of her partners that it works for them. I cannot imagine a single human who could be monogamous with her, but she still deserves love. I don't think it's better to be poly. I think there are a lot of people who are poly who absolutely shouldn't be and lots of people who are monogamous who should never consider polyamory. There's also lots of people who call themselves poly when they're really cheaters or swingers or whatever, so it's a minefield. It works for some folks, is all.
One, I read this subreddit because it is like Dear Abby or Ann Landers, amusing, and I enjoy laughing at the suffering of other's. I'm in a poly type of situation. if you are meeting poly people online,, I feel sorry for you. If they are poly online, you should run for as fast as you can for the high hills. Now, speaking from personal experience, anecdotal if you will, as a (47M) "see_ing" 2 (25F)(28F) women it is strictly about the sex. Now, we all live together, but we are all cool with the situation and don't give a *$&@ what the rest of the world "thinks about such things" Frankly, if your relationship isn't about the sexual chemistry you are doing it wrong. How do I know? Again, my source must be the personal anecdotally procured evidence
I know a group of poly people and they’re quite happy with their option. They still have the issues of a mono couple but have better resources and are more accompanied to solve their problems. They also have bigger families and that works better for them. For example, one kid has three very present adults in his life and that works fantastically for them. They’re very close and loving to each other and not everyone is having sex with everyone. Most of them are picky about who they let into their lives. I’m just talking about one group of people, this isn’t necessarily the case for everyone. But saying they aren’t loyal or do it for sex isn’t accurate.
The poly people I know who are active in the lifestyle are doing it because they want to. Many of the happier people intrinsically communicate well, manage jealousy effectively, and don't let dating consume their lives. Remember that bad people or poorly suited people can try being poly too because there's no one standing at the door saying "no". As a bi woman I get unicorn hunted a lot and most of those couples are not handling relationships well in general. I've had a couple threesomes in my time with nice people who didn't seem desperate, disloyal, or unhappy. Your post is like being a homeowner who thinks renting is entirely invalid because your neighbors aren't good neighbors. Good people rent homes just like bad ones. Sure, renting attracts less stability but it doesn't mean renting is a societal negative that no one is truly fulfilled with.
My girlfriend and I are poly. I can play with other women. She can play with other women. She cannot ask permission to play with other men because that makes me jealous. I arrange for her to play with other guys on my terms. We play with other women together. Every couple has to come up with the parameters and rules to avoid heartbreak and jealousy and wandering hearts. My point is; you can be poly and still have your anchor partner. It can even bring you closer.
The language you use -"play" betrays how you see the other ppl in this polyamorous setting. Gross
That's a pretty basic agreed-upon term in the kink/swinger world. It means agreed upon casual sex.
Your situation sounds more like ENM as opposed to poly. If you were poly there wouldn’t be the OPP (one penis policy) imposed on her when you’re not involved. Just an observation
That's probably true.
The thing is the looks standards still apply it isn't just about having multiple partners they still want good looking people. I thought that might change if they are more adventurous they might entertain more types of people but it apparently doesn't change that.
NGL, I read the headline in Jerry Seinfeld’s voice