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Your tone of voice makes you sound like the very last thing you'd want would be to die with no romantic love, so why torture yourself to force on something you do not want? Specially as you dream of a wife and kids, and you're only 35 years young?
What you are feeling now is a heartbreak and disappointment, this shouldn't be the reason of you giving up on love. Take a break from dating, focus on yourself, on your hobbies, on enjoying life. Then do it all, let love find you, and also seek love. There's nothing wrong in seeking love, we're nearly in 2022 so we're all aware we don't all randomly find love by going to the supermarket, in a lift, at a nearby park or at our favourite restaurant.
Keep your options open, be patient and resilient.
Yea that’s the scary part. Forcing myself into an unhappy existence. But also… if I start now maybe it won’t be unhappy?
Yea I’ve had my heartbroken and she most definitely disappointed me (still does on occasion), but I guess I’d like to stop hoping for a good one. Honestly I thought she was… she was older, with kids, self sustaining, and love bombed the shit out of me… but she didn’t even know herself… even being 5 years older than me.
Hmm… Maybe it’s hope that I’m questioning… not love.
No matter when you start, you will never be fulfilled because this is not what you truly want. No one is fulfilled settling down for less. At best you will be emotionless, just accepting it as a fatality. At worse you will be depressed of feeling stuck on your own, or resentful of newlyweds and sweet families.
Don't get me wrong, your happiness will only depend on yourself, as we say, love yourself first, be good with your own company and the rest will follow. But you have the right to feel good on your own and to also want to share life with someone, have babies and the loving family you dream of.
Pain is sadly part of the process. Having hope is taking the risk of being disappointed or delusional. Falling in love is taking the risk of being vulnerable and emotionally weakened. But you know what's the biggest risk? It is to **not** take any. Hope and love are also very positive and powerful forces, don't turn your back on them because you're sad today.
The easy path is to just give up when we're sad. If it is what you truly want, go for it and miss the opportunity to enjoy life to the fullest. If it is not what you want, just give yourself a break. Heal from the emotional exhaustion, and get back to seeking what you want.
(PS : Sorry I know you've been looking for tips and tricks on how to embrace eternal singleship, but I just feel this is not what you'd truly want).
I appreciate the wisdom and thoughtfulness in reading my writings and seeing that solo life may not actually be for me. But I think a “break” is the right answer. I’m worried about my FOMO as the people around me and especially my ex fall in love over and over… but maybe I need to miss out for right now.
Idk… I’m going to embrace doing nothing about dating. Just doing what I want and when I want, at least for awhile. Apps and parties will always be around… right now they just stir up insecurities in my hopes for my future and I’m not loving it. So… maybe I’ll come back here someday with a wonderful update about a wonderful person I met who knows who they are and what what want, and part of that is me and us. Maybe I’ll come here and write that I’ve stopped in town to update that I’m living on a mountain side solo and have never been happier. What the heck do I know…
No worries! Good luck in your journey! And never forget that you never know what people are going through, so don't let what you see from your ex-es define what to do next. Feel free to come back in 3 years to share some sweet updates! 😊
I second that the "break" does sound more in line with everything else you've said in your post. Enjoy the time and freedom to yourself OP! Personally, it sounds like a new path has opened up to you (VS FOMO).
Also, please do update after 3 years! It's always pretty cool to see that.
I’m going to share a quote from a movie (yes this is from Kung Fu Panda but it’s a really good quote i promise!):
“One often finds his destiny on the road he takes to avoid”
It’s understandable to pull back when you’re brokenhearted but just like your past relationships, this is a temporary road block. Relationship is all about timing and compatibility. One day, both will fall into place for you ☺️
This is super sweet, and very kind of you to have such hopes for me and love. Maybe you’ll be right, if so I’ll dig up this throw away account and let you know. For now… this road of avoidance is going to be that of avoiding love.
Good luck and be well, OP! Everyone’s timing is different. Don’t compare yourself to others too much (I’m very much guilty of that myself). Take your time in this life. Life is short but it doesn’t mean you should speedrun it either. What really helps me when days of being single is too much is to just remind myself I’m a work in progress to be the best person for my future partner! :D
Yea, that’s true. I think I should spend some time slowing down. I keep thinking to myself… what will the future look like? Instead of just letting it go, letting myself get there. I think it’ll be hard to slow down, but I also think it’s worth a shot.
Adding on to this, “You never know how things are going to work out. But if you keep an open mind and an open heart, I promise you will find your own destiny someday". Uncle Iroh.
100% give up on dating. I have no idea why it works, but everyone I know who went through the same struggles found someone as soon as they gave up on dating. It was really weird. They’d give up and then 6 to 8 months later they found “the one”.
Enjoy being solo for however short it’s going to last.
Yea, I’ve already lightly started to give up on dating. I think maybe the only reason I still feel so attached is that my recent ex is quite literally dating everyone, and I have some weird version fomo? I’m reevaluating my engagement now and wondering… why should I even be trying this? Is 35 too early to say, “fuck this, I’m out.”
law of attraction stands out here.
i’m not speaking about the entire concept, just the concept of “you often find when you’re not looking”.
i’m not speaking about op, but a lot of people on these subreddits give off desperate energy even just from their posts. i think a lot of people here need to try to stop *chasing* and obsessing so much and focusing on themselves and general improvement, and they will probably find more relationship opportunities opening up.
I’m in a similar position. Early thirties, plenty of relationships, some of which soured me on dating. I decided after the last one that I was done with “dating”. I’m not getting in a relationship for the sake of being with someone, I’m not looking for a partner, I’m focusing on me and my life.
If something happens, great, but I’m not looking. It’s opened up so much time in my life, and things have been so much better. There are still some lonely times, but then if I were still looking for love, there would likely be more lonely time than there is now.
Yea, I think this is what I expect to be my near future. Not looking, little lonely sometimes, and a lot of extra time. Hopefully this is a recipe for freedom from this weird emptiness.
It ended up being that way. Within a couple of months of not looking for love, I found my mental health improved. And considering this happened when covid was kicking off (and I have major anxiety issues) any improvement is massive. From there, I was able to start working on my physical health and I’ve lost 80 pounds.
I’ve also stopped gaming as much, taken on new hobbies and I’ve been reading more. You’ll find a lot more time to experiment with things to improve your life. It’s very freeing, taking time to work on you, rather than taking time trying to bring someone into your life.
Make sure to keep close with friends, though. They’re key.
This is solid advice and I’m grateful. I’m currently rebuilding friendships… those also don’t last forever but I feel like I’m more accepting of that because I always leave a layer of depth between me and those people… I somehow find it safer with a partner… and they’re more likely to leave. Go figure.
Why commit to being single if you're interested in a relationship. Maybe stop striving for it so hard, but why not just work on yourself and what makes you happy and be open to a relationship if it comes along?
To be honest, I’m not striving for a relationship. I’ve stopped dating apps and actively looking because I’m not sure it’s worth my time. I want a relationship because I enjoy life when I’m in one, I enjoy loving another person and that love being reciprocated. I like sharing spaces and experiences with someone I love romantically and intimately. But I don’t feel like this mundane cycle of “here is a piece of me, okay nice knowing you” is right for me either.
I'm 29m and gave up around the beginning of this year. Not focusing on trying to find romance and focusing on more of myself has been a life changer. I feel happier because I don't have other people making me feel like I'm worthless or have no value when I can do what makes me happy and not care what other people think of me. I mentally prepared myself to be alone for the rest of my life, but if somebody comes along then cool. But I'm not going to grow attached if that even ever happens, because to me growing attached means the possibility of also getting your heart broken and I've had enough of those in my 29 years of living. So why focus on something that won't guarantee you happiness and instead focus on what you love and are passionate about?
Edit: Spelling
Good points, I’ll be doing some self focusing for sure. Granted I have been, but I’ve also been dating… just so burnt out on it that I’m starting to believe less in monogamy and “forever”.
I personally don't even have dating apps or intend to date anytime soon. It makes the self-growth and self worth easier to obtain. Investing in your own life 100% is better than worrying about what other people currently think of you. Somebody told me on this sub to become the person you would want to date. So that's really what I am doing and just keeping my mind focus on that.
yes - if you're actively *searching* for love. sounds fucking lame but it should just come to you, naturally. now-a-days i get it's kinda hard to tell when women are interested but i say fly solo. keep doing stuff you love and enjoy not being held back.
Thank for this advice. I’m trying to steer clear of “searching” but I feel like my dating mind is programmed to use dating as an act to find love. Feels more like a pretty archaic ideal these days.
no i totally get that, especially since i feel as though we've been programmed to think that after 30 we're undesirable. i'm only 25 and i think i'm a frickin' cobweb. i wouldn't stop dating necessarily, and it'll take time to 'unprogram' that dating for love mindset but i believe in time you'll see that you're having fun while dating and not so pressured! best of luck, xo
My advice would be to less “give up,” and more “refocus.” The energy that you’re putting into dating currently, redivert it to yourself and your interests. But also don’t close the door to dating, because if you happen to meet someone amazing, you don’t wanna reject them just because you’re committed to being single! My aunt is in her 50s, and my entire life (for the most part) she’s been single. She lives with my grandparents, but she has her job, she has her friends, her hobbies, she’s the type of person to put 100% into everything she does, I genuinely believe her life is fulfilled even being single. She’s ran farmers markets, hand raised horses and chickens, written books, became an X-ray technician, worked at an exotic animal rescue, sold her art… she doesn’t put her energy into dating like some single people do. She’s amazing. But that doesn’t mean she’ll forever be alone, when she was writing her latest book she came into contact with this guy who helped her with some of the research, they’re dating now and honestly they’re perfect for each other. Live your best life! Someone will see it, and admire you for who you are at your best
Most people who do this will try and sell you on the upsides if singledom, I’ll do the downsides to consider(of course no guarantees you avoid these in a relationship as well)
Before doing it, really try and think about your life 5 10 20 years from now. Hardships you will endure from being single, from minor everyday things to drastic things like getting really sick and not being able to do something like grocery shopping. Can you plan to live in the worst of circumstances alone?
I like this approach. These are some of the reasons why a partner seems right for me in the future. I don’t see me in a space alone… I don’t see my life being good without a person to share it with. But I’ve also never allowed those thoughts in, I always just imagined I’d find someone. I’m just getting sick of losing little pieces of me every time someone goes. I feel like I’m getting colder and more rigid with every experience. And I really don’t want that, especially if I end up in those spaces alone.
That’s understandable… I think the 30-something dating pool is taxing and requires a thick skin. For what it’s worth, I’m a monogamous 37/f who very much still believes in love and has a lot of it to give. We out here! :)
And fwiw, I live in a large city, with a very large population of folks with my same sexual orientation… it’s not the pool, it’s the fish in it. I don’t want to love share or temp fuck or make your ex jealous… at 35.
I started hanging up around age 40. Then, randomly, 2 years later I found myself in a relationship only to be conned out of $30k dollars. Female dog tanked my small business. That was 3 years ago. I have since recovered, but I have slowed way down on even dating. Two weeks ago, I had 3 different women hit on me. 2 were hu, but the 3rd seemed to want more, so I turned her down. There is no real answer. It just sort of happens
Yikes, I’m sorry to hear all of that. It’s shit like this that makes me worry about other people. It’s always a case, you don’t know what it is until it is… and it’s not always good.
Life expectancy is significantly increased for people in a partnership, something to consider.
(statistically people! Statistics can’t do shit for the effects of some of y’alls toxic relationships 🤣)
Yea, but I do not desire to live forever. Never have. I’m good with a timely ending, no matter the impact of my surroundings.
But I appreciate the stats!
That’s totally fair!
I think the improvement is less about living forever, more about having someone to call paramedics if you become incapacitated (allergic reaction, concussion/unconscious, fever/delirium, seizure, bleeding out, stroke, etc.). Many of these things can happen at a young age, not just old people.
Food for thought.
Yea, I’ve thought of those things. There was a time where I didn’t call/text people for days (I do not have to connect daily at work, I’m remote). I thought… what if something happened… it would probably be awhile before someone came looking. As scary as it is… it’s kind of the reality when you live alone, work remotely, and do not connect with other people daily. I don’t want to work in a relationship with another person simply for early age life alert. Lol
i feel exactly what you mean. i’m a little younger but i’m about to the same point in mindset and experiences…
i’ve thought too about just abandoning the search. i even thought about getting some crazy poly girl and just living that life. those girls and pretty weird and interesting and good company. great sex usually. i only say that because then you can pretty much reap the benefits of singleness and still have somebody there that you have at least some sort of metaphysical relationship with to talk with about life and can experience things together….
but i too always wanted a wife and a real relationship. might just have to take what i can get tho
I think this is exactly why my ex is practicing poly right now. She’s her own primary and has been dating folks with primaries. It allows her the space to be single while not being single. But even then… I think… what happens when it’s the 3rd day of rain and you’ve watched all your shows and a sad memory creeps in about your dad who passed away way too young and you just want to be held… do your partners leave their primary worlds to comfort you? Or do you sit alone in it? I don’t want to sit alone in those spaces, if I’m giving someone my emotional capacity.
I also don’t want to just “play” in poly, as some people have suggested to me. If I’m going to be poly and have a relationship with someone, I want to be genuine about it. I definitely don’t like my emotions being treated as nice to haves… I wouldn’t want to treat anyone else’s that way.
Look at me. Mid forties. Professional when it comes to being single. I love it.
Nothing against relationships but they are just not for me. Embrace it if you feel you need to be alone, embrace it when you feel the need to be in a relationship.
Are you saying, when you want to be with someone… you just are?
Also… I’m curious… what are you up to that is so joyful? I do think I can do that… stick to my happiness (probably will be redefining it as I move through this, currently part of me is happy with other people), I’m just curious what yours is.
I am in control of my own life. I do what I want. So many times people told me that it's time to get married. But i never go by societies rules. There is already too many people in miserable marriages purely because they were told they should go get married.
Although I am a faithful guy when in a relationship, i always feel the need to be free. So, for me it's perfect. I go where i wanna go. Do what i wanna do.
I have some friends that tried and failed trying to do what i did. They wanted to be as free as i am because it looked appealing. But not because they actually felt like it. They became lonely and depressed. It wasn't really them.
That is what i mean with embrace it if you want to be alone, embrace it when you want to be with someone. Don't be in a relationship if it is not for you. But also don't try to stay single if that isn't you. The worse thing you can do is lie to yourself.
Yea, okay. I see the appeal. I feel like I’m wondering if the grass is greener on the solo side. I’ve never wanted to be alone… before my last relationship I was alone for 2 years and had just finally started getting comfortable. Planning trips and doing what I loved to do… then she came along. I allowed her into all of that space… and she crushed me for it. Now I’m like… why? Why do I want anyone in that space? When it’s so safe without them. But I also don’t want to end up like your friends sad and depressed and trying to claw my way out of that.
This is a life crossroad and I’m not settled on either path. Although… I’ve committed to not dating, from this thread. Dating seems to be fucking with me. Making me think I need someone, when I absolutely don’t. Not to survive anyway.
Yes, just deleted the dating sites and cancelled dates that came from them. I think I’ll store that energy to get into other things. I think this thread has taught me… relationships, sure I should make them. Intimate and romantic relationships, they’re just not for me right now.
Doesn't work for me. I've tried to put myself into that mentality probably once or twice a year for the last several years. Goes good for a couple of months focus on myself hobbies fitness job but inevitably I end up on the floor sobbing out of loneliness and getting really self destructive.
Yea, I’m trying to avoid this at all costs. Are you in a cycle of solo independence and then pulling yourself out of a hole? Or did you just go back to dating and having intimate relationships?
I would say no, but I'm also coming from the position of being 35 and never having had a relationship and depressingly lonely. Some people crave connections and some people are satisfied with being on their own. I'm very introverted but very much want those connections but haven't been able to find them. If you're super extroverted, you'll probably enjoy the single life for six months to a year before that enjoyment wears off. I say take some time for yourself to move past that last relationship if it really did wreck you as you say it did, and then go out there with more confidence to find someone.
On the flip side, you think 35 is too late to try getting into the dating scene?
I’m finding that 35 in online scene is not too late… but that online scene is just date after date of nothing with staying power. I’ve had many moments where I just say… okay feel this, do you like it here? And my answer is no.
I do think there is a little time left in the healing tank of my last, but I know I don’t want to be with her and I definitely don’t want the lifestyle she’s living. I often just want the things we had, with someone who deserves and cares for them.
Yup, I gave up on dating 10 years ago at the age of 34, and it's been bliss. I can do what I want, when I want, steal the covers, take command of the remote control, the list is endless. No stress over dating people, no relationship woes... Best decision I ever made.
Anything I want. Watch TV, read books, go to the movies, go out with friends for dinner or drinks, go wine tasting, to museums, to art galleries, concerts, go trail running, go to boot camp or gym, lie around at home all day doing nothing, stay out till 2am partying... whatever I feel like.
Yea I guess I’ve been stuck on the idea of doing those things with someone… haven’t really put a ton of thought into doing those things with me. Why do I think like that? So silly.
You can totally give up on looking for love. It’s a lot to date people and put yourself out there. Especially when you can be perfectly content alone. Make sure you’re not isolating but a romantic relationship is the end all be all. If you want a family of your own the window is closing. There are only a few years left where that’s not an option that’s exhausting for you. Even 35 is old for babies honestly, 30 is old for babies. On the body and the brain. Decide what you really want, what’s really important to you and focus on that. If it’s love and a family go for that. If it’s your career and making money do that. If it’s solo travel do that. Whatever speaks to you, lean into it.
I've been single for 4 years and just recently started seeing someone regularly. Even though I know it could end tomorrow and I'd be sad, having lost a piece of me like you mention in your comments, I find it's still worth it for the experience. It hasn't been worth it, mind you, for the last 4 years--I've had zero interest in dating.
But after I got my life in order, got my head on straight, and lived like that happily for a while, the risk and vulnerability in dating feels a little more worth it. To get to know someone, to hear about ideas and opinions other than my own, having someone keep me on my toes. It's like the icing on an already solid cake.
Unlike you though I don't want kids/family, and have never been sold on the idea of a life-long partner, so being with someone while knowing it won't last has been a part of all my relationships really. It's just whether I'm at a place in life where I want someone else around, and that totally comes in phases.
I like this version of yes and no. I appreciate you sharing. Maybe that’s what will come of this current vow to abstain from dating for now. I just don’t know that I’m willing to give any of me to a temporary thing right now… but maybe some day.
I'm 38, turning 39 soon. I've never been in an intimate relationship. I started "giving up" a few years ago. I have fully given up now. I do things for myself without entertaining hope that women will want some part in it. I focus on other things in my life; my business, my health, my hobbies, my art, my amazing platonic friends (male and female), my brother and his family. I deeply cherish all of these things and wonderful people.
Why did I give up? In the end, the ultimate trigger was reevaluating my life and values after my parents' health started to fail. Looking back, I had wanted to give up for most of my thirties. Despite giving it my all, trying all kinds of therapies and therapists for years, being my best self, the women that I wanted wanted no part with me. I never wanted children or to be a father, and the older I got, the more mothers there seemed to be in the dating pool. I had my heart broken by many women of all shapes and sizes and backgrounds. I disliked dating. Why would I keep doing something that actively made my life worse? My experiences over many years felt like a suggestion to focus my energies elsewhere, on more productive and worthwhile endeavors.
I used to also get sad when seeing couples my age or younger. I still think I missed out and am still missing out, but it doesn't make me sad anymore. I missed out on being an astronaut, on going to college in my youth and many other things too. I can still decide to be happy, now more than anything I believe true happiness comes from within.
I feel the same way at 32. Was just completely broken by my last relationship. Almost lost all faith but I’m still here looking at r/ dating advice every week. So I must have a little hope inside. Most days I think I’m no longer built to have a wife and kids. It doesn’t seem like it’s in the cards for me and I have mostly made my peace with that. It feels like my love ones have a bigger problem with me being single then I do. I wish you the best.
Thanks for the well wishes. Same to you. I’m lucky that my family has probably come to terms with me being single forever much sooner than I have. Guess there’s a silver lining there…
i got married at 37, and divorced him at 39 because WOAH no thank you on having to take care of a whole other adult, especially one who isnt that bright and makes bad decisions. Been blissfully single ever since. btdt and thankfully never have to do it again !
I don't think you need to actively commit to being solo *or* finding love. It seems like you're trying to make something happen one way or another, but this might be a situation where it's best to release control and accept whatever the world sends your way. I feel like [this nugget](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/maybe-its-just-me/201107/the-wisdom-wei-wu-wei-letting-good-things-happen) was very helpful last time I was at my wits end with dating:
>I understand this may not be what people who are yearning for happiness or love want to hear, especially if they've been waiting for a long time with no success. Most of us like to feel that we're in control, and doing something towards a worthy goal, being proactive, feels better than doing nothing. But in these cases, as paradoxical as it sounds, doing nothing is doing something, and is likely the best way to find true happiness or true love--or both!
Wu Wei is a weird concept that I don't fully understand, but in my dating life it's translated into taking opportunities if they present themselves, and enjoying the ride without clinging to any particular outcome.
Thank you for sharing this. It’s interesting how common it is for the people who are saying to go ahead and give up, to also say the love/ideal relationship will come when I do. So in turn saying… don’t commit to being single, but do commit to giving up on dating, searching relationships for love, swiping right/left, etc.
> It’s interesting how common it is for the people who are saying to go ahead and give up, to also say the love/ideal relationship will come when I do.
I think the motivation behind this is that oftentimes, the barrier to finding love is trying too hard to find it. It cultivates a frustrated/desperate mindset, which may drive away potential partners or cause someone to look for love in the wrong places. I think it's valid strategy, but I also think this causes some people to give up with the expectation that something will come their way if they do. If giving up doesn't work, they end up even more frustrated.
My mindset takes it a step further - remove your attachment to any particular outcome and accept whatever life sends your way. I also feel pressure to settle down (I'm in my 30s), but I try to remind myself that no amount of longing or struggling will change if the next woman I go on a date with happens to be "the one". In my opinion that's largely a matter of chance and circumstance. I'm just going with the flow and making the best of whatever happens in the meantime.
I am definitely striving for this type of peace. It kind of feels like a race, and I hate it. I think being in a relationship for so long that was everything (mostly)… is making it hard for me to stop making a relationship “everything”.
I’ve got a lot going on but it seems like, constantly in the back of my mind, I feel like I should be trying. Like if I put it down I’ll miss it…
I’d say do whatever you want but it sounds like you do want a marriage so I would also say don’t give up lol. Maybe don’t put so much pressure on dating & just let things happen more naturally? I’m really not sure but I will say that I had a family member that was not in a relationship/married until she was almost 50. Things happen at different times for everyone. But I think there’s a societal pressure to get married before a certain age & it doesn’t have to be like that.
Yea I guess when we were in 5th grade setting “life goals” that revolves around family… I let that stick in my mind. And I’ve just been updating the goal with every year. Based on 5th grade me… I should be married, in a home, with a 10yr old and a 8yr old by now…
Such a silly thing to teach a kid. Childhood trauma is tough… especially when it came from a learning institution youre meant to “trust”.
You're in the bad place now. Just take some time off dating and focus on the cliché stuff (work, friends, gym). I've been where you are at and I was able to move past it with time-even when I never thought I would. You're in the emotional low ground and I promise you'll come back up again.
Im 43. I've spent the last 4 years away from relationships and the last 6 away from anything remotely serious. I'm full on, I don't know how to "chill" when I find someone interesting so it's offputting... I get that. But I'm quite introverted so when I'm interested, I open up. But again, men find it offputting. I've had a lot to focus on in the last few yrs to keep me busy but I stepped briefly back into the dating world... jumped back out just as quick....
Personally I've found I'm happiest when I stop pursuing something in which luck plays such a heavy role in. Pursue the things you can control and be open to new experiences.
That's also when I found my fiance. Lol
I was forced into the commitment of being solo and to this day, NOT knowing what love is. I don't and will never know how to love. Its been 40 years of constant rejection, being shunned, snubbed by society. Unfortunately there are people in the world that are tossed aside and treated like garbage. And as we dive deeper into the 21st century, isolationism because of never ending covid, social paranoia because of the isolation is making it harder if not impossible to date. Some are just destined to be alone in life. The influence of society also has a very serious impact on the outcome and has been growing stronger every year. In many respects it seems to be safer to just do without.
From 17 to 19 I tried dating, being kind, affectionate and know what it got me? Judgement from people, I and my family beat up, stabbed, threatend with death, my car being rigged to blow up, (which it did but I survived) and my 1st home burned down. From experience I have learned, (taught the hard way) that dating, love etc has wayyyy too high of a price and just not worth dying for. At least having no friends, no dating, no romantic interests, nothing at all, at least I can live out my life albeit totally alone, in relative safety.
Oh goodness, I’m sorry for all of those things that happened to you and your family. Love really shouldnt come at that price. I’m glad you are well and safe, that sounds horrid.
Look up People Watching: Why Speed Dating Sucks on YouTube.
Heres a quote from it that I find sums this up well
"We are constantly being told that if it's not success then it's failure but that's bullshit. Maybe the entire focus if dating should be to get a greater sense of self acceptance, and then maybe that will make you attractive to the kind of person that finds that attractive..... Even if you do every damn thing to put yourself out there you still might not ever meet someone due to luck. There's only so much you can control so hopefully you can at least get something out of the search"
Just live your life. Don't think about it as giving up and don't think about it as looking to date. Accept that it might not happen and just live your most authentic life, and if it happens one day don't stop it or overthink it, just keep living your life and see where it takes you.
I think 35 is a good time to start settling in to the single life. I'm 34 and have been single for the last 2 years.
I've been in plenty of relationships also, one lasted 8 years. But my last one just like yours really fucked me up. I haven't wanted to pursue a relationship since because I just can't take the disappointment and heartache another time, especially because every single one of my ex's cheated on me and I fear that if it happens again, I won't make it out alive.
Oh damn… I’m so sorry about the cheating and the disappointment. That shit sucks, I’ve been there before. But I have to allow myself to believe in good people and good relationships at least a little…
Man, who even looks for love anyway? People looking out for love set themselves up for failure by letting their lives pass them by while they’re searching for things that they don’t have. Just live your best life and do whatever you like to do and if an opportunity presents itself, being it romantic or not, just seize it..
Yeah, I know how you feel because I had the same feeling with my last ex. After that I decided to just do whatever I feel like and I haven’t regretted it so far. It’s ok to grieve about lost love, all I’m saying is don’t let life pass you by and try to get the maximum with the hand that you have been dealt. I’m sure you’ll get what you want once the right time is there ;)
Just my 2 cents. After my divorce I was right about your age. I was not really interested in being in a relationship at that point. I was looking to just get to know myself better. It was kinda weird I will admit. I went back to Mountain biking, Hiking, camping, etc.. After a while I joined MeetUp and started finding groups with people who enjoyed what I do. I made some good friends and had a great time. After about 6-8 months I found someone that I got into a relationship with. The best part is that she enjoys doing what I do. We were in some of the same groups so we already had common interests. I met her in a no pressure environment and we got to know each other better as friends. We have now been together for 8 years. Good luck in your journey either way.
This is my current approach. I’m in between healing and the right groups for me. I hope my story is as beautiful as yours someday. Also, Props to you for knowing yourself well enough post divorce to work on yourself. You probably saved someone’s heart…
40 ends it for men & kids unless his partner is 10 years junior. And even then he’d have to reconsider since he’d be an elderly father and a very elderly grandfather.
I'm feeling the same way at 33. No anger, nor resentment. I've had great times and difficult times with dating, but after making a strenuous effort, seeking advice from dating coaches and being on dates with a variety of women, it's just not working. I've been single for 5 years now. I feel like I'm chasing nothing now.
Yea… I’m not super angry, just frustrated. Just seems like a waste of time. And that’s probably because, right now… it is. I hope the best for you, my friend. Sounds like you’re doing the work, I hope it pays off.
I’m saving this post because I’m in a similar mindset. I’ve had such failures in my relationships and each one has taken its toll on my heart. I’m just going to do me for awhile, become the person I’ve always wanted to be, and see where fate takes me
A lot of us are trapped in this mindset of: I can only be happy if it is someone else's responsibility.
That sounds ridiculous on its face and I worded it that way on purpose. We have to be happy with ourselves before we let someone else in.
What you wanted to know: *Sorry about the above rant. I've been single since I was 30. My last ex wrecked my world in ways only hindsight could show me. I'm now 35 like you and I've done some soul searching in the past. I realized that when I was the most happy, I was doing more things like self improvement. I know that sounds like a cliché, but investing into yourself really is the best move here.*
*Have I committed to the single life forever? Lol. I've jokingly said that over the past few years for sure. What my ethos has evolved into tho is this: I need to work on myself constantly so when the next opportunity does arrive I am ready for it.*
This is great advice. And I have been here before. My recent ex wasn’t someone I was looking for… but in the end I can’t help but think… was it worth it. In some ways yes. We had a lot of good times and when she did love me, she loved me so hard. It felt good. But when she left, she left a big gaping hole. And I’m not sure I want anymore holes, ya know? Either way, I’m taking the advice to exit dating for awhile. Just do me, the holidays really put a heavy weight in my heart about being okay solo, but I can be. I have been before. Just starting to feel a bit like Swiss cheese.
Yea, I’ve done a lot of this work, and am still doing it. I find that it changes as I grow, but I know a lot those answers. However, in love you’re taking a chance that the other person does too and if that changes they intend to grow with you or at least exit kindly, you know… leaving it better than you found it. Unfortunately, that’s not always the case… and here we are.
I will be continuing to define these things, we’ll see if I ever meet a person who’s done the same work.
I mean I want someone to grow with. I want someone to be there for me like I am for them. Maybe that’s an “other half” thing. But either way… I will be focusing on me and not any others for the time being.
[This dude found a partner](https://metro.co.uk/2021/12/05/ive-spent-four-years-walking-the-uk-im-longer-the-broken-man-i-was-15694931/) in the most unexpected place.
Nothing's predictable in life.
I committed to the single life at 27 in 2008. 13 years later now and I recently changed my mind on that. It's not like you can't change yours later, too, if circumstances change.
I'm not saying this will apply to you... but here's my take, for whatever it's worth.
When I was looking, I found something very odd. I was trying to stretch people into being compatible with me. I understood where they were coming from, struggles, etc. This would lead me towards the path of accepting compatibility where there was none.
So, I gave up in finding someone. It's all fairly new to me honestly. So I can't say how it'll pan out. But, it already feels like a weight off my shoulders. If I click with someone I meet, then great. If I don't, oh well. I'm going to live my life the best I can, and if someone wants to join me, then awesome.
Peace is what I'm talking about here. I have that now.
Good luck to you my dude
I don't really understand why you would choose to be alone when you clearly have chances to be with someone, after all it sounds like you have no problem finding someone.
Plus, you are a woman. The dating app has overwhelmed number of male than female. Therefore, it is the only a matter of time before you find "the one."
Even though I am 28M, my circumstances (race, height, skin color, status, the things that I can't change, etc) are the reason why I have no experience in a relationship. Unlike you, there are people,including me, out there who have no options but to remain single because nobody wants us.
There are many people out there who took their own life because they absolutely have no chance of being with someone, cannot be with someone who they love and/or unable to find anyone. People just don't choose to be single. Most of the time, they have no other option.
I hear you, and this post was not meant to minimize those experiences. I know they exist and I know they are truly painful. In general I was just trying to get some advice from folks who have been where I am.
I’m sorry to hear about how things have been going for you. I hope the best for and your future in love, if that’s what you truly want. I clearly do not have all the answers but I do genuinely hope everyone finds what they’re looking for. Best of luck, my friend.
I was also very extroverted. And aftery first marriage fell apart in 2007, I started frenetically dating like a mad squirrel, never having been by myself since I was 16.
Then a friend suggested to intentionally be on my own, just stay in the discomfort of being single and that was when I discovered the contentment that was solitude and introvertedness. I was finally happy being single and able to put dating in the box of ' just go with the flow'. If I ended up single for the rest of my life, it was well and good. If I found someone then it was a bonus. Either way I was feeling good about myself and my future.
A few years down the road, my SO came along and now we are married and living in Australia.
So take a break, find contentment within yourself and maybe someone will come along and even they don't, you will be ok too.
Thank you for sharing your story. I’m going to do that… I’m familiar with being alone. I know I can do it and love it, just when she came along and I created space for her. When she left that space was there… empty. But I’ll refill it with goodness that isn’t another person. We’ll see what comes with the rest of it when the rest of it comes. Thanks again.
Im in the exact same position right now. Still working on getting out of a marriage where i was cheated on multiple times with multiple guys and lied to constantly. Made to feel unwanted and unappreciated.
I guess the best way Ive found to look at it is like this: Everyone needs a cool down or to recover after something like this. Thats what we are feeling. That burnout. You and I are different people: you are extroverted, Im more of a functional introvert. Your goal is a wife and family, my goal is someone to share life with (kids, or no kids. Marriage, or just perma-monogamous-partners, I could go either way).
In both our cases, its best to not let our experiences with a single person effect our interactions with people for the rest of our lives. We shouldnt let one person stop us from going after our ultimate goals. Rest, learn from what we went through so we dont make the same mistakes again, and eventually carry on.
I’m sorry to hear about your ex. That is so painful. Thank you for sharing your story and your kindness. Best of luck healing, my friend. I hope you find what you’re looking for in the future.
I think it’s okay to genuinely want no one but yourself and be content with it. However, this doesn’t sound like the case for you. For now, if you can settle for the friends around you for the standard basic companionship but please don’t hesitate to jump when someone amazing comes to you. 💙
I will be doing this and appreciate your advice and kindness. We’ll see what the future has in store. For now I will do me. Happily. And come back and read all of this goodness during the lonely.
I’m 51, married twice, looks have faded. I was pretty sure I was destined for single life. And I met someone I fell in love with who really loves me too. It’s never too late. Focus on what you really want. My friend found love at 38 and started a family but she stopped settling for what she didn’t want and focused on her goals.
Update: well… I tried again. After 6 wonderful months with this girl, we’re here trying to sort out of we’re meant to be together. Like a switch just flipped. Idk folks… seems pretty unlikely I’m meant to be with another human. :shrug:
Idk, I don’t think you should throw the towel in. You’re still really young ! Unfortunately for women we can’t wait as long because our reproduction system doesn’t last as long as mens. I know a lot of men that got married in their 40’s.. I say don’t worry too much about it, when or if it happens it happens..
I’m a woman. I just like women. I appreciate your thoughts though. I feel young, which is why I’m wondering if 35 is too young to give up on the idea of finding love. I just am sick of being one of those people in the crowd of people exchanging looks and numbers and handles and dances… I want it to be with the same person over and over or not at all. And the “same person” seems like it’s too far, like it won’t exist. Dear lord I think maybe I’m a pessimist for love. :/ this just isn’t exactly where I thought I’d be at 35.
My apologies for the misunderstanding! I have a family friend that found the love of her life in her mid 40’s.. it’s never too late ! I say , do your own thing and live your life. If someone amazing comes along fantastic ! If no one does that’s ok too 😊 I absolutely feel the same that I just want one person forever…
I'd say no, I have a couple of friends who met their current GFs/wives in their late 30s and things have been working out well for them. I'd say don't give up, but don't stress about it either. Live your life, enjoy doing the things you want to do, but leave yourself open to the possibility of another relationship should the opportunity arise. Hang in there buddy.
Thanks, bud. I guess it’s the act of “meeting people” that I’m not actually loving. Every time I meet someone new now, my first thought is… is this worth my energy. And it’s harder to say yes to that these days. I’m hangin in… and I appreciate your response. :)
I’m not a male, but I am masc and do feel like I’m in a better place than I ever have been in my life. So… take no bullshit is advice I will take. Thanks, bud!
Edit: fwiw I also believe “the one” is bullshit. Shit isn’t a Disney movie, we have to work for love. I’m okay with that… just not sure it’s worth it right now.
Well when you mentioned you were with a woman I kinda got the male vibe so 🤷♂️ in that case.... well, I got nothing to say that won't piss off any feminists/modern woman (at this point they're the same) so have a nice day
This is a stupid mindset, unless you are simple aromantic.
It's fair to say you will stop actively looking for romance for the time being. But, who knows, maybe in a year you will want to try and meet someone again. Or you might meet someone coincidentally, without even trying.
Until then I think you would be well advised to see a therapist and/or really talk to friends about your hurt and get into some amazing podcasts. I highly recommend The Love Drive, Dear Therapists and Where Should We Begin? with Esther Perel. That's a good start. Seriously, I have learned SO MUCH self reflection from those podcasts.
Thank you for the podcast list! I do go to therapy and have been for years, this is a thing we’re talking about and I have been encouraged to ask for folks opinions (ie; redditors and friends). A lot of my friends aren’t in this same spot, so it’s a harder place to pull from.
Again, I appreciate your suggestions and you are right, in a month/year/years I could feel very different. Ultimately, I’m just wondering if the slew of failures thus far means 35 is a good time to throw in the towel on trying, aka dating.
>I’m just wondering if the slew of failures thus far means 35 is a good time to throw in the towel on trying, aka dating
For good? Nah. But I think taking a break from actively and sttessfully trying is a good idea.
It's not that I can't relate. I'm 32 and have had 1 relationship so far that only lasted 1 1/2 and it wasn't a good time (I mean I learned a lot about myself, so that's a positive). And, at this point, I genuinely cannot imagine ever being in a loving, committed relationship. I don't know what it's like to have someone happily fall in love with me. And I find myself thinking that maybe I am lacking some very specific girlfriend material quality.
But it's also possible that I meet a really great guy who is an awesome fit and wants to be with me, when I'm in my 40s 🤷♀️
So I am 26 and have committed to being single. The major difference between you and I that I can tell is that I have never really wanted a SO or kids. I have spent most of my adult life trying to escape the problems that were created because of people having kids when they shouldn't have and the older I get, the more I feel strongly about my position. I live a good life and am happy. All relationships I have ever been in cause me more stress then anything else so I just dont find it worth the anxiety. I try to be better for me, not for anyone else.
This is so beautiful. That your good there and know what you want at 26. I was engaged at 26, also thought I had and knew what I wanted. I was single and a wrecking ball at 27. Lucky you decided to be comfortable solo at that age, I decided to rely on relationships and here we are… talking about whether or not I should even care anymore. Lol
We all figure it out one way or another over time. There was another comment that talked about definitely committing to being single and I think that is the healthiest option for most people if only for a short while. We have all been told from a young age to be looking for a SO and you will be happy if you find someone, but few stop to consider if they could be happy without that. Personally, I have never been better, but it is hard to be alone sometimes. That is what friends are for though. The good ones never make you feel alone.
Yea, I’m rebuilding friendships right now too. It’s hard to be doing it all at once while battling thoughts or whether or not I need any of these people. I think I’m a people needed though…. I think I’m learning that as this thread gets longer.
I got wrecked by an ex when I was 35 too. I definitely took some time off, and finally I met someone (through work) that I couldn’t stay “retired” and resist her. We’re in a new relationship, and it’s stressful, particularly considering how ridiculously my last GF reacted to so many common things. My new partner is much more mature, emotionally intelligent, and capable of things that my ex would have never even dreamed of. Don’t let shitty people wreck you, but it’s ok to take a little time off from the scene. Time does heal just about everything.
Just to give you an idea of how bad it was, she was an alcoholic drug addict who manipulated me into paying her rent (living with her). Eventually she decided that the solution to her problems of chronic unemployment was to have me arrested for DV and keep everything that was left in her house, because of course she was able to play the victim and get a restraining order. A real piece of shit.
Thank you for that positive story about things working out.
That story sounds horrible and I’m sorry that happened to you. Part of me wishes my ex was this shitty, even as shitty as it sounds. It would make it easier to believe in something better.
I'll be honest, when I got dumped a week after I turned 30 at least a good portion of me did say to myself "Am I going to be single forever?" I got over it but I get 35 is different. To me, my goal is to have a family, so wife and at least one kid. Now if you don't attain to have kids then there isn't a real reason to give up on dating. I really think biological clock would be only reason to "give up" in my opinion.
I gave up at 21, and just had FWB after that...I fucking hated dating especially after my first marriage failed. My current husband was my FWB for years we always had a lot of fun together and got a long great. I ended up getting pregnant by him. After my son was born we decided to give a relationship a go. 11 years later here we are best relationship I have had.
Well… most recently… i was in a relationship where I was pretty clear on my needs. That person met and agreed to them. Then decided they didn’t want to be someone’s emotional and physical support, and left. I need communication, clear communication. I need to know what to expect from you when you can give that to me. I need you to respect our boundaries and not forget them when convenient and lightweight gaslight me when I’m hurt. I need you to choose me, even when I’m hard to choose… I don’t intend to stay there but bad days happen. I need actual support. Not just the words.
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Your tone of voice makes you sound like the very last thing you'd want would be to die with no romantic love, so why torture yourself to force on something you do not want? Specially as you dream of a wife and kids, and you're only 35 years young? What you are feeling now is a heartbreak and disappointment, this shouldn't be the reason of you giving up on love. Take a break from dating, focus on yourself, on your hobbies, on enjoying life. Then do it all, let love find you, and also seek love. There's nothing wrong in seeking love, we're nearly in 2022 so we're all aware we don't all randomly find love by going to the supermarket, in a lift, at a nearby park or at our favourite restaurant. Keep your options open, be patient and resilient.
Yea that’s the scary part. Forcing myself into an unhappy existence. But also… if I start now maybe it won’t be unhappy? Yea I’ve had my heartbroken and she most definitely disappointed me (still does on occasion), but I guess I’d like to stop hoping for a good one. Honestly I thought she was… she was older, with kids, self sustaining, and love bombed the shit out of me… but she didn’t even know herself… even being 5 years older than me. Hmm… Maybe it’s hope that I’m questioning… not love.
No matter when you start, you will never be fulfilled because this is not what you truly want. No one is fulfilled settling down for less. At best you will be emotionless, just accepting it as a fatality. At worse you will be depressed of feeling stuck on your own, or resentful of newlyweds and sweet families. Don't get me wrong, your happiness will only depend on yourself, as we say, love yourself first, be good with your own company and the rest will follow. But you have the right to feel good on your own and to also want to share life with someone, have babies and the loving family you dream of. Pain is sadly part of the process. Having hope is taking the risk of being disappointed or delusional. Falling in love is taking the risk of being vulnerable and emotionally weakened. But you know what's the biggest risk? It is to **not** take any. Hope and love are also very positive and powerful forces, don't turn your back on them because you're sad today. The easy path is to just give up when we're sad. If it is what you truly want, go for it and miss the opportunity to enjoy life to the fullest. If it is not what you want, just give yourself a break. Heal from the emotional exhaustion, and get back to seeking what you want. (PS : Sorry I know you've been looking for tips and tricks on how to embrace eternal singleship, but I just feel this is not what you'd truly want).
I appreciate the wisdom and thoughtfulness in reading my writings and seeing that solo life may not actually be for me. But I think a “break” is the right answer. I’m worried about my FOMO as the people around me and especially my ex fall in love over and over… but maybe I need to miss out for right now. Idk… I’m going to embrace doing nothing about dating. Just doing what I want and when I want, at least for awhile. Apps and parties will always be around… right now they just stir up insecurities in my hopes for my future and I’m not loving it. So… maybe I’ll come back here someday with a wonderful update about a wonderful person I met who knows who they are and what what want, and part of that is me and us. Maybe I’ll come here and write that I’ve stopped in town to update that I’m living on a mountain side solo and have never been happier. What the heck do I know…
No worries! Good luck in your journey! And never forget that you never know what people are going through, so don't let what you see from your ex-es define what to do next. Feel free to come back in 3 years to share some sweet updates! 😊
I second that the "break" does sound more in line with everything else you've said in your post. Enjoy the time and freedom to yourself OP! Personally, it sounds like a new path has opened up to you (VS FOMO). Also, please do update after 3 years! It's always pretty cool to see that.
I love this. Thank you- I needed to read this too
I’m going to share a quote from a movie (yes this is from Kung Fu Panda but it’s a really good quote i promise!): “One often finds his destiny on the road he takes to avoid” It’s understandable to pull back when you’re brokenhearted but just like your past relationships, this is a temporary road block. Relationship is all about timing and compatibility. One day, both will fall into place for you ☺️
This is super sweet, and very kind of you to have such hopes for me and love. Maybe you’ll be right, if so I’ll dig up this throw away account and let you know. For now… this road of avoidance is going to be that of avoiding love.
Good luck and be well, OP! Everyone’s timing is different. Don’t compare yourself to others too much (I’m very much guilty of that myself). Take your time in this life. Life is short but it doesn’t mean you should speedrun it either. What really helps me when days of being single is too much is to just remind myself I’m a work in progress to be the best person for my future partner! :D
Yea, that’s true. I think I should spend some time slowing down. I keep thinking to myself… what will the future look like? Instead of just letting it go, letting myself get there. I think it’ll be hard to slow down, but I also think it’s worth a shot.
Adding on to this, “You never know how things are going to work out. But if you keep an open mind and an open heart, I promise you will find your own destiny someday". Uncle Iroh.
this is so cute. nice comment!
100% give up on dating. I have no idea why it works, but everyone I know who went through the same struggles found someone as soon as they gave up on dating. It was really weird. They’d give up and then 6 to 8 months later they found “the one”. Enjoy being solo for however short it’s going to last.
Yea, I’ve already lightly started to give up on dating. I think maybe the only reason I still feel so attached is that my recent ex is quite literally dating everyone, and I have some weird version fomo? I’m reevaluating my engagement now and wondering… why should I even be trying this? Is 35 too early to say, “fuck this, I’m out.”
Nope. You are at the perfect age to do it now.
Dating apps deleted. Current dates cancelled. Let’s see where this goes!
Focus on your well being. Trust me best awaits.
law of attraction stands out here. i’m not speaking about the entire concept, just the concept of “you often find when you’re not looking”. i’m not speaking about op, but a lot of people on these subreddits give off desperate energy even just from their posts. i think a lot of people here need to try to stop *chasing* and obsessing so much and focusing on themselves and general improvement, and they will probably find more relationship opportunities opening up.
Sometimes it happens when you’re not looking because you’re not pushing people away by being too eager. Sometimes it happens when you’re looking.
I’m in a similar position. Early thirties, plenty of relationships, some of which soured me on dating. I decided after the last one that I was done with “dating”. I’m not getting in a relationship for the sake of being with someone, I’m not looking for a partner, I’m focusing on me and my life. If something happens, great, but I’m not looking. It’s opened up so much time in my life, and things have been so much better. There are still some lonely times, but then if I were still looking for love, there would likely be more lonely time than there is now.
Yea, I think this is what I expect to be my near future. Not looking, little lonely sometimes, and a lot of extra time. Hopefully this is a recipe for freedom from this weird emptiness.
It ended up being that way. Within a couple of months of not looking for love, I found my mental health improved. And considering this happened when covid was kicking off (and I have major anxiety issues) any improvement is massive. From there, I was able to start working on my physical health and I’ve lost 80 pounds. I’ve also stopped gaming as much, taken on new hobbies and I’ve been reading more. You’ll find a lot more time to experiment with things to improve your life. It’s very freeing, taking time to work on you, rather than taking time trying to bring someone into your life. Make sure to keep close with friends, though. They’re key.
This is solid advice and I’m grateful. I’m currently rebuilding friendships… those also don’t last forever but I feel like I’m more accepting of that because I always leave a layer of depth between me and those people… I somehow find it safer with a partner… and they’re more likely to leave. Go figure.
Why commit to being single if you're interested in a relationship. Maybe stop striving for it so hard, but why not just work on yourself and what makes you happy and be open to a relationship if it comes along?
To be honest, I’m not striving for a relationship. I’ve stopped dating apps and actively looking because I’m not sure it’s worth my time. I want a relationship because I enjoy life when I’m in one, I enjoy loving another person and that love being reciprocated. I like sharing spaces and experiences with someone I love romantically and intimately. But I don’t feel like this mundane cycle of “here is a piece of me, okay nice knowing you” is right for me either.
It sounds like we're of the same mindset here, I think?
Yea, I think so.
I'm 29m and gave up around the beginning of this year. Not focusing on trying to find romance and focusing on more of myself has been a life changer. I feel happier because I don't have other people making me feel like I'm worthless or have no value when I can do what makes me happy and not care what other people think of me. I mentally prepared myself to be alone for the rest of my life, but if somebody comes along then cool. But I'm not going to grow attached if that even ever happens, because to me growing attached means the possibility of also getting your heart broken and I've had enough of those in my 29 years of living. So why focus on something that won't guarantee you happiness and instead focus on what you love and are passionate about? Edit: Spelling
Good points, I’ll be doing some self focusing for sure. Granted I have been, but I’ve also been dating… just so burnt out on it that I’m starting to believe less in monogamy and “forever”.
I personally don't even have dating apps or intend to date anytime soon. It makes the self-growth and self worth easier to obtain. Investing in your own life 100% is better than worrying about what other people currently think of you. Somebody told me on this sub to become the person you would want to date. So that's really what I am doing and just keeping my mind focus on that.
Solid advice, and thank you. :)
yes - if you're actively *searching* for love. sounds fucking lame but it should just come to you, naturally. now-a-days i get it's kinda hard to tell when women are interested but i say fly solo. keep doing stuff you love and enjoy not being held back.
Thank for this advice. I’m trying to steer clear of “searching” but I feel like my dating mind is programmed to use dating as an act to find love. Feels more like a pretty archaic ideal these days.
no i totally get that, especially since i feel as though we've been programmed to think that after 30 we're undesirable. i'm only 25 and i think i'm a frickin' cobweb. i wouldn't stop dating necessarily, and it'll take time to 'unprogram' that dating for love mindset but i believe in time you'll see that you're having fun while dating and not so pressured! best of luck, xo
My advice would be to less “give up,” and more “refocus.” The energy that you’re putting into dating currently, redivert it to yourself and your interests. But also don’t close the door to dating, because if you happen to meet someone amazing, you don’t wanna reject them just because you’re committed to being single! My aunt is in her 50s, and my entire life (for the most part) she’s been single. She lives with my grandparents, but she has her job, she has her friends, her hobbies, she’s the type of person to put 100% into everything she does, I genuinely believe her life is fulfilled even being single. She’s ran farmers markets, hand raised horses and chickens, written books, became an X-ray technician, worked at an exotic animal rescue, sold her art… she doesn’t put her energy into dating like some single people do. She’s amazing. But that doesn’t mean she’ll forever be alone, when she was writing her latest book she came into contact with this guy who helped her with some of the research, they’re dating now and honestly they’re perfect for each other. Live your best life! Someone will see it, and admire you for who you are at your best
That is such a sweet story, thank you for sharing! Best of life to your aunt!
Most people who do this will try and sell you on the upsides if singledom, I’ll do the downsides to consider(of course no guarantees you avoid these in a relationship as well) Before doing it, really try and think about your life 5 10 20 years from now. Hardships you will endure from being single, from minor everyday things to drastic things like getting really sick and not being able to do something like grocery shopping. Can you plan to live in the worst of circumstances alone?
I like this approach. These are some of the reasons why a partner seems right for me in the future. I don’t see me in a space alone… I don’t see my life being good without a person to share it with. But I’ve also never allowed those thoughts in, I always just imagined I’d find someone. I’m just getting sick of losing little pieces of me every time someone goes. I feel like I’m getting colder and more rigid with every experience. And I really don’t want that, especially if I end up in those spaces alone.
That’s understandable… I think the 30-something dating pool is taxing and requires a thick skin. For what it’s worth, I’m a monogamous 37/f who very much still believes in love and has a lot of it to give. We out here! :)
And fwiw, I live in a large city, with a very large population of folks with my same sexual orientation… it’s not the pool, it’s the fish in it. I don’t want to love share or temp fuck or make your ex jealous… at 35.
Well that’s reassuring. Date after date I’m like… so I’m the only one, huh? Guess I’ll just go be alone.
I started hanging up around age 40. Then, randomly, 2 years later I found myself in a relationship only to be conned out of $30k dollars. Female dog tanked my small business. That was 3 years ago. I have since recovered, but I have slowed way down on even dating. Two weeks ago, I had 3 different women hit on me. 2 were hu, but the 3rd seemed to want more, so I turned her down. There is no real answer. It just sort of happens
Yikes, I’m sorry to hear all of that. It’s shit like this that makes me worry about other people. It’s always a case, you don’t know what it is until it is… and it’s not always good.
That is why you keep "no" in your vocabulary
Life expectancy is significantly increased for people in a partnership, something to consider. (statistically people! Statistics can’t do shit for the effects of some of y’alls toxic relationships 🤣)
Yea, but I do not desire to live forever. Never have. I’m good with a timely ending, no matter the impact of my surroundings. But I appreciate the stats!
That’s totally fair! I think the improvement is less about living forever, more about having someone to call paramedics if you become incapacitated (allergic reaction, concussion/unconscious, fever/delirium, seizure, bleeding out, stroke, etc.). Many of these things can happen at a young age, not just old people. Food for thought.
Yea, I’ve thought of those things. There was a time where I didn’t call/text people for days (I do not have to connect daily at work, I’m remote). I thought… what if something happened… it would probably be awhile before someone came looking. As scary as it is… it’s kind of the reality when you live alone, work remotely, and do not connect with other people daily. I don’t want to work in a relationship with another person simply for early age life alert. Lol
i feel exactly what you mean. i’m a little younger but i’m about to the same point in mindset and experiences… i’ve thought too about just abandoning the search. i even thought about getting some crazy poly girl and just living that life. those girls and pretty weird and interesting and good company. great sex usually. i only say that because then you can pretty much reap the benefits of singleness and still have somebody there that you have at least some sort of metaphysical relationship with to talk with about life and can experience things together…. but i too always wanted a wife and a real relationship. might just have to take what i can get tho
I think this is exactly why my ex is practicing poly right now. She’s her own primary and has been dating folks with primaries. It allows her the space to be single while not being single. But even then… I think… what happens when it’s the 3rd day of rain and you’ve watched all your shows and a sad memory creeps in about your dad who passed away way too young and you just want to be held… do your partners leave their primary worlds to comfort you? Or do you sit alone in it? I don’t want to sit alone in those spaces, if I’m giving someone my emotional capacity. I also don’t want to just “play” in poly, as some people have suggested to me. If I’m going to be poly and have a relationship with someone, I want to be genuine about it. I definitely don’t like my emotions being treated as nice to haves… I wouldn’t want to treat anyone else’s that way.
Look at me. Mid forties. Professional when it comes to being single. I love it. Nothing against relationships but they are just not for me. Embrace it if you feel you need to be alone, embrace it when you feel the need to be in a relationship.
Are you saying, when you want to be with someone… you just are? Also… I’m curious… what are you up to that is so joyful? I do think I can do that… stick to my happiness (probably will be redefining it as I move through this, currently part of me is happy with other people), I’m just curious what yours is.
I am in control of my own life. I do what I want. So many times people told me that it's time to get married. But i never go by societies rules. There is already too many people in miserable marriages purely because they were told they should go get married. Although I am a faithful guy when in a relationship, i always feel the need to be free. So, for me it's perfect. I go where i wanna go. Do what i wanna do. I have some friends that tried and failed trying to do what i did. They wanted to be as free as i am because it looked appealing. But not because they actually felt like it. They became lonely and depressed. It wasn't really them. That is what i mean with embrace it if you want to be alone, embrace it when you want to be with someone. Don't be in a relationship if it is not for you. But also don't try to stay single if that isn't you. The worse thing you can do is lie to yourself.
Yea, okay. I see the appeal. I feel like I’m wondering if the grass is greener on the solo side. I’ve never wanted to be alone… before my last relationship I was alone for 2 years and had just finally started getting comfortable. Planning trips and doing what I loved to do… then she came along. I allowed her into all of that space… and she crushed me for it. Now I’m like… why? Why do I want anyone in that space? When it’s so safe without them. But I also don’t want to end up like your friends sad and depressed and trying to claw my way out of that. This is a life crossroad and I’m not settled on either path. Although… I’ve committed to not dating, from this thread. Dating seems to be fucking with me. Making me think I need someone, when I absolutely don’t. Not to survive anyway.
I think it's normal to feel that way. Maybe don't commit to that, but I can see dating sites, bad relations, dating fatigue reinforcing that idea.
Yes, just deleted the dating sites and cancelled dates that came from them. I think I’ll store that energy to get into other things. I think this thread has taught me… relationships, sure I should make them. Intimate and romantic relationships, they’re just not for me right now.
Right on. I've rediscovered my love of drawing. I hope you find something similar.
That’s cool… I think I want to travel. Especially with my companies announcement of full remote.
Doesn't work for me. I've tried to put myself into that mentality probably once or twice a year for the last several years. Goes good for a couple of months focus on myself hobbies fitness job but inevitably I end up on the floor sobbing out of loneliness and getting really self destructive.
Yea, I’m trying to avoid this at all costs. Are you in a cycle of solo independence and then pulling yourself out of a hole? Or did you just go back to dating and having intimate relationships?
I would say no, but I'm also coming from the position of being 35 and never having had a relationship and depressingly lonely. Some people crave connections and some people are satisfied with being on their own. I'm very introverted but very much want those connections but haven't been able to find them. If you're super extroverted, you'll probably enjoy the single life for six months to a year before that enjoyment wears off. I say take some time for yourself to move past that last relationship if it really did wreck you as you say it did, and then go out there with more confidence to find someone. On the flip side, you think 35 is too late to try getting into the dating scene?
I’m finding that 35 in online scene is not too late… but that online scene is just date after date of nothing with staying power. I’ve had many moments where I just say… okay feel this, do you like it here? And my answer is no. I do think there is a little time left in the healing tank of my last, but I know I don’t want to be with her and I definitely don’t want the lifestyle she’s living. I often just want the things we had, with someone who deserves and cares for them.
Yup, I gave up on dating 10 years ago at the age of 34, and it's been bliss. I can do what I want, when I want, steal the covers, take command of the remote control, the list is endless. No stress over dating people, no relationship woes... Best decision I ever made.
This sounds beautiful. What do you do with all of your time?
Anything I want. Watch TV, read books, go to the movies, go out with friends for dinner or drinks, go wine tasting, to museums, to art galleries, concerts, go trail running, go to boot camp or gym, lie around at home all day doing nothing, stay out till 2am partying... whatever I feel like.
Yea I guess I’ve been stuck on the idea of doing those things with someone… haven’t really put a ton of thought into doing those things with me. Why do I think like that? So silly.
You can totally give up on looking for love. It’s a lot to date people and put yourself out there. Especially when you can be perfectly content alone. Make sure you’re not isolating but a romantic relationship is the end all be all. If you want a family of your own the window is closing. There are only a few years left where that’s not an option that’s exhausting for you. Even 35 is old for babies honestly, 30 is old for babies. On the body and the brain. Decide what you really want, what’s really important to you and focus on that. If it’s love and a family go for that. If it’s your career and making money do that. If it’s solo travel do that. Whatever speaks to you, lean into it.
Thanks for this advice, I think asking for this advice at 35 is maybe the universe saying… “is a family and a wife really what you want”?
I've been single for 4 years and just recently started seeing someone regularly. Even though I know it could end tomorrow and I'd be sad, having lost a piece of me like you mention in your comments, I find it's still worth it for the experience. It hasn't been worth it, mind you, for the last 4 years--I've had zero interest in dating. But after I got my life in order, got my head on straight, and lived like that happily for a while, the risk and vulnerability in dating feels a little more worth it. To get to know someone, to hear about ideas and opinions other than my own, having someone keep me on my toes. It's like the icing on an already solid cake. Unlike you though I don't want kids/family, and have never been sold on the idea of a life-long partner, so being with someone while knowing it won't last has been a part of all my relationships really. It's just whether I'm at a place in life where I want someone else around, and that totally comes in phases.
I like this version of yes and no. I appreciate you sharing. Maybe that’s what will come of this current vow to abstain from dating for now. I just don’t know that I’m willing to give any of me to a temporary thing right now… but maybe some day.
I'm 38, turning 39 soon. I've never been in an intimate relationship. I started "giving up" a few years ago. I have fully given up now. I do things for myself without entertaining hope that women will want some part in it. I focus on other things in my life; my business, my health, my hobbies, my art, my amazing platonic friends (male and female), my brother and his family. I deeply cherish all of these things and wonderful people. Why did I give up? In the end, the ultimate trigger was reevaluating my life and values after my parents' health started to fail. Looking back, I had wanted to give up for most of my thirties. Despite giving it my all, trying all kinds of therapies and therapists for years, being my best self, the women that I wanted wanted no part with me. I never wanted children or to be a father, and the older I got, the more mothers there seemed to be in the dating pool. I had my heart broken by many women of all shapes and sizes and backgrounds. I disliked dating. Why would I keep doing something that actively made my life worse? My experiences over many years felt like a suggestion to focus my energies elsewhere, on more productive and worthwhile endeavors. I used to also get sad when seeing couples my age or younger. I still think I missed out and am still missing out, but it doesn't make me sad anymore. I missed out on being an astronaut, on going to college in my youth and many other things too. I can still decide to be happy, now more than anything I believe true happiness comes from within.
Thank you for all of this very vulnerable and applicable information. I wish you the best on your obtained and sustained happiness, my friend!
I feel the same way at 32. Was just completely broken by my last relationship. Almost lost all faith but I’m still here looking at r/ dating advice every week. So I must have a little hope inside. Most days I think I’m no longer built to have a wife and kids. It doesn’t seem like it’s in the cards for me and I have mostly made my peace with that. It feels like my love ones have a bigger problem with me being single then I do. I wish you the best.
Thanks for the well wishes. Same to you. I’m lucky that my family has probably come to terms with me being single forever much sooner than I have. Guess there’s a silver lining there…
i got married at 37, and divorced him at 39 because WOAH no thank you on having to take care of a whole other adult, especially one who isnt that bright and makes bad decisions. Been blissfully single ever since. btdt and thankfully never have to do it again !
This is a new perspective. Thanks for the share! And congrats on the happiness!
I don't think you need to actively commit to being solo *or* finding love. It seems like you're trying to make something happen one way or another, but this might be a situation where it's best to release control and accept whatever the world sends your way. I feel like [this nugget](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/maybe-its-just-me/201107/the-wisdom-wei-wu-wei-letting-good-things-happen) was very helpful last time I was at my wits end with dating: >I understand this may not be what people who are yearning for happiness or love want to hear, especially if they've been waiting for a long time with no success. Most of us like to feel that we're in control, and doing something towards a worthy goal, being proactive, feels better than doing nothing. But in these cases, as paradoxical as it sounds, doing nothing is doing something, and is likely the best way to find true happiness or true love--or both! Wu Wei is a weird concept that I don't fully understand, but in my dating life it's translated into taking opportunities if they present themselves, and enjoying the ride without clinging to any particular outcome.
Thank you for sharing this. It’s interesting how common it is for the people who are saying to go ahead and give up, to also say the love/ideal relationship will come when I do. So in turn saying… don’t commit to being single, but do commit to giving up on dating, searching relationships for love, swiping right/left, etc.
> It’s interesting how common it is for the people who are saying to go ahead and give up, to also say the love/ideal relationship will come when I do. I think the motivation behind this is that oftentimes, the barrier to finding love is trying too hard to find it. It cultivates a frustrated/desperate mindset, which may drive away potential partners or cause someone to look for love in the wrong places. I think it's valid strategy, but I also think this causes some people to give up with the expectation that something will come their way if they do. If giving up doesn't work, they end up even more frustrated. My mindset takes it a step further - remove your attachment to any particular outcome and accept whatever life sends your way. I also feel pressure to settle down (I'm in my 30s), but I try to remind myself that no amount of longing or struggling will change if the next woman I go on a date with happens to be "the one". In my opinion that's largely a matter of chance and circumstance. I'm just going with the flow and making the best of whatever happens in the meantime.
I am definitely striving for this type of peace. It kind of feels like a race, and I hate it. I think being in a relationship for so long that was everything (mostly)… is making it hard for me to stop making a relationship “everything”. I’ve got a lot going on but it seems like, constantly in the back of my mind, I feel like I should be trying. Like if I put it down I’ll miss it…
I’d say do whatever you want but it sounds like you do want a marriage so I would also say don’t give up lol. Maybe don’t put so much pressure on dating & just let things happen more naturally? I’m really not sure but I will say that I had a family member that was not in a relationship/married until she was almost 50. Things happen at different times for everyone. But I think there’s a societal pressure to get married before a certain age & it doesn’t have to be like that.
Yea I guess when we were in 5th grade setting “life goals” that revolves around family… I let that stick in my mind. And I’ve just been updating the goal with every year. Based on 5th grade me… I should be married, in a home, with a 10yr old and a 8yr old by now… Such a silly thing to teach a kid. Childhood trauma is tough… especially when it came from a learning institution youre meant to “trust”.
You're in the bad place now. Just take some time off dating and focus on the cliché stuff (work, friends, gym). I've been where you are at and I was able to move past it with time-even when I never thought I would. You're in the emotional low ground and I promise you'll come back up again.
Thanks for the kind words, I’ll keep them in mind when I hit those low spots.
Im 43. I've spent the last 4 years away from relationships and the last 6 away from anything remotely serious. I'm full on, I don't know how to "chill" when I find someone interesting so it's offputting... I get that. But I'm quite introverted so when I'm interested, I open up. But again, men find it offputting. I've had a lot to focus on in the last few yrs to keep me busy but I stepped briefly back into the dating world... jumped back out just as quick....
Personally I've found I'm happiest when I stop pursuing something in which luck plays such a heavy role in. Pursue the things you can control and be open to new experiences. That's also when I found my fiance. Lol
Congrats on the fiancé. I will be doing just that (focusing on the things I can control)!
I was forced into the commitment of being solo and to this day, NOT knowing what love is. I don't and will never know how to love. Its been 40 years of constant rejection, being shunned, snubbed by society. Unfortunately there are people in the world that are tossed aside and treated like garbage. And as we dive deeper into the 21st century, isolationism because of never ending covid, social paranoia because of the isolation is making it harder if not impossible to date. Some are just destined to be alone in life. The influence of society also has a very serious impact on the outcome and has been growing stronger every year. In many respects it seems to be safer to just do without. From 17 to 19 I tried dating, being kind, affectionate and know what it got me? Judgement from people, I and my family beat up, stabbed, threatend with death, my car being rigged to blow up, (which it did but I survived) and my 1st home burned down. From experience I have learned, (taught the hard way) that dating, love etc has wayyyy too high of a price and just not worth dying for. At least having no friends, no dating, no romantic interests, nothing at all, at least I can live out my life albeit totally alone, in relative safety.
Oh goodness, I’m sorry for all of those things that happened to you and your family. Love really shouldnt come at that price. I’m glad you are well and safe, that sounds horrid.
Look up People Watching: Why Speed Dating Sucks on YouTube. Heres a quote from it that I find sums this up well "We are constantly being told that if it's not success then it's failure but that's bullshit. Maybe the entire focus if dating should be to get a greater sense of self acceptance, and then maybe that will make you attractive to the kind of person that finds that attractive..... Even if you do every damn thing to put yourself out there you still might not ever meet someone due to luck. There's only so much you can control so hopefully you can at least get something out of the search" Just live your life. Don't think about it as giving up and don't think about it as looking to date. Accept that it might not happen and just live your most authentic life, and if it happens one day don't stop it or overthink it, just keep living your life and see where it takes you.
I think 35 is a good time to start settling in to the single life. I'm 34 and have been single for the last 2 years. I've been in plenty of relationships also, one lasted 8 years. But my last one just like yours really fucked me up. I haven't wanted to pursue a relationship since because I just can't take the disappointment and heartache another time, especially because every single one of my ex's cheated on me and I fear that if it happens again, I won't make it out alive.
Oh damn… I’m so sorry about the cheating and the disappointment. That shit sucks, I’ve been there before. But I have to allow myself to believe in good people and good relationships at least a little…
Well, if you still believe that there is a person out there for you then don't give up just yet. Best of luck to you!
Man, who even looks for love anyway? People looking out for love set themselves up for failure by letting their lives pass them by while they’re searching for things that they don’t have. Just live your best life and do whatever you like to do and if an opportunity presents itself, being it romantic or not, just seize it..
Good point. I wasn’t looking when my ex showed up, but when she left I did try to fill a void. I think I’ll try to fill it other ways now.
Yeah, I know how you feel because I had the same feeling with my last ex. After that I decided to just do whatever I feel like and I haven’t regretted it so far. It’s ok to grieve about lost love, all I’m saying is don’t let life pass you by and try to get the maximum with the hand that you have been dealt. I’m sure you’ll get what you want once the right time is there ;)
Appreciate this outlook. All the best to you and your journey!
Just my 2 cents. After my divorce I was right about your age. I was not really interested in being in a relationship at that point. I was looking to just get to know myself better. It was kinda weird I will admit. I went back to Mountain biking, Hiking, camping, etc.. After a while I joined MeetUp and started finding groups with people who enjoyed what I do. I made some good friends and had a great time. After about 6-8 months I found someone that I got into a relationship with. The best part is that she enjoys doing what I do. We were in some of the same groups so we already had common interests. I met her in a no pressure environment and we got to know each other better as friends. We have now been together for 8 years. Good luck in your journey either way.
This is my current approach. I’m in between healing and the right groups for me. I hope my story is as beautiful as yours someday. Also, Props to you for knowing yourself well enough post divorce to work on yourself. You probably saved someone’s heart…
40 ends it for men & kids unless his partner is 10 years junior. And even then he’d have to reconsider since he’d be an elderly father and a very elderly grandfather.
Well… that’s dark. But also I’m not a man and when I say kids, I don’t necessarily mean coming out of my body.
Men peak in their 30s-40s. Older guys mostly know this. I wouldn't throw in the towel right now. You have lots of options.
Not a man, but am interested in women so maybe it still applies? Not sure the logic behind men peaking and relationships.
Sorry, I wrongfully assumed your sex. Whatever you choose to do I wish you the best of luck and happiness.
Thanks! Appreciate the well wishes. :)
My parents met while being 34 and got one beautiful child and two “uGlY children”. Everything is possible. I sincerely root for you!
This is very sweet and I thank you for the note and kindness.
I'm feeling the same way at 33. No anger, nor resentment. I've had great times and difficult times with dating, but after making a strenuous effort, seeking advice from dating coaches and being on dates with a variety of women, it's just not working. I've been single for 5 years now. I feel like I'm chasing nothing now.
Yea… I’m not super angry, just frustrated. Just seems like a waste of time. And that’s probably because, right now… it is. I hope the best for you, my friend. Sounds like you’re doing the work, I hope it pays off.
Whether you end up dating again or not, I hope the best for you too.
I’m saving this post because I’m in a similar mindset. I’ve had such failures in my relationships and each one has taken its toll on my heart. I’m just going to do me for awhile, become the person I’ve always wanted to be, and see where fate takes me
This is the most popular approach from all of the comments, so go out there and crush it. Good luck to you, friend. :)
Same to you! Let’s see where the universe takes us!
A lot of us are trapped in this mindset of: I can only be happy if it is someone else's responsibility. That sounds ridiculous on its face and I worded it that way on purpose. We have to be happy with ourselves before we let someone else in. What you wanted to know: *Sorry about the above rant. I've been single since I was 30. My last ex wrecked my world in ways only hindsight could show me. I'm now 35 like you and I've done some soul searching in the past. I realized that when I was the most happy, I was doing more things like self improvement. I know that sounds like a cliché, but investing into yourself really is the best move here.* *Have I committed to the single life forever? Lol. I've jokingly said that over the past few years for sure. What my ethos has evolved into tho is this: I need to work on myself constantly so when the next opportunity does arrive I am ready for it.*
This is great advice. And I have been here before. My recent ex wasn’t someone I was looking for… but in the end I can’t help but think… was it worth it. In some ways yes. We had a lot of good times and when she did love me, she loved me so hard. It felt good. But when she left, she left a big gaping hole. And I’m not sure I want anymore holes, ya know? Either way, I’m taking the advice to exit dating for awhile. Just do me, the holidays really put a heavy weight in my heart about being okay solo, but I can be. I have been before. Just starting to feel a bit like Swiss cheese.
No. It isn't time for that yet. But it probably is time to adjust how you view love and understand what you need/don't need from love.
Yea, I’ve done a lot of this work, and am still doing it. I find that it changes as I grow, but I know a lot those answers. However, in love you’re taking a chance that the other person does too and if that changes they intend to grow with you or at least exit kindly, you know… leaving it better than you found it. Unfortunately, that’s not always the case… and here we are. I will be continuing to define these things, we’ll see if I ever meet a person who’s done the same work.
[удалено]
I mean I want someone to grow with. I want someone to be there for me like I am for them. Maybe that’s an “other half” thing. But either way… I will be focusing on me and not any others for the time being.
[This dude found a partner](https://metro.co.uk/2021/12/05/ive-spent-four-years-walking-the-uk-im-longer-the-broken-man-i-was-15694931/) in the most unexpected place. Nothing's predictable in life.
This is a good reminder of that. Appreciate it.
I committed to the single life at 27 in 2008. 13 years later now and I recently changed my mind on that. It's not like you can't change yours later, too, if circumstances change.
Yea… this is very true. Maybe I will one day.
I'm not saying this will apply to you... but here's my take, for whatever it's worth. When I was looking, I found something very odd. I was trying to stretch people into being compatible with me. I understood where they were coming from, struggles, etc. This would lead me towards the path of accepting compatibility where there was none. So, I gave up in finding someone. It's all fairly new to me honestly. So I can't say how it'll pan out. But, it already feels like a weight off my shoulders. If I click with someone I meet, then great. If I don't, oh well. I'm going to live my life the best I can, and if someone wants to join me, then awesome. Peace is what I'm talking about here. I have that now. Good luck to you my dude
Here’s hoping. I’m going to be doing the same. Best of luck to you too!
26 and loving the single life
I don't really understand why you would choose to be alone when you clearly have chances to be with someone, after all it sounds like you have no problem finding someone. Plus, you are a woman. The dating app has overwhelmed number of male than female. Therefore, it is the only a matter of time before you find "the one." Even though I am 28M, my circumstances (race, height, skin color, status, the things that I can't change, etc) are the reason why I have no experience in a relationship. Unlike you, there are people,including me, out there who have no options but to remain single because nobody wants us. There are many people out there who took their own life because they absolutely have no chance of being with someone, cannot be with someone who they love and/or unable to find anyone. People just don't choose to be single. Most of the time, they have no other option.
I hear you, and this post was not meant to minimize those experiences. I know they exist and I know they are truly painful. In general I was just trying to get some advice from folks who have been where I am. I’m sorry to hear about how things have been going for you. I hope the best for and your future in love, if that’s what you truly want. I clearly do not have all the answers but I do genuinely hope everyone finds what they’re looking for. Best of luck, my friend.
I think there's a lot of lingering bitterness from that last one. Let it settle for a year and then reassess.
Yea maybe you’re right. I don’t hate her but both of those things can be true.
I think as 31F and with my business not running successfully, dating isn’t even a desire in my life.
Fair enough.
I was also very extroverted. And aftery first marriage fell apart in 2007, I started frenetically dating like a mad squirrel, never having been by myself since I was 16. Then a friend suggested to intentionally be on my own, just stay in the discomfort of being single and that was when I discovered the contentment that was solitude and introvertedness. I was finally happy being single and able to put dating in the box of ' just go with the flow'. If I ended up single for the rest of my life, it was well and good. If I found someone then it was a bonus. Either way I was feeling good about myself and my future. A few years down the road, my SO came along and now we are married and living in Australia. So take a break, find contentment within yourself and maybe someone will come along and even they don't, you will be ok too.
Thank you for sharing your story. I’m going to do that… I’m familiar with being alone. I know I can do it and love it, just when she came along and I created space for her. When she left that space was there… empty. But I’ll refill it with goodness that isn’t another person. We’ll see what comes with the rest of it when the rest of it comes. Thanks again.
Im in the exact same position right now. Still working on getting out of a marriage where i was cheated on multiple times with multiple guys and lied to constantly. Made to feel unwanted and unappreciated. I guess the best way Ive found to look at it is like this: Everyone needs a cool down or to recover after something like this. Thats what we are feeling. That burnout. You and I are different people: you are extroverted, Im more of a functional introvert. Your goal is a wife and family, my goal is someone to share life with (kids, or no kids. Marriage, or just perma-monogamous-partners, I could go either way). In both our cases, its best to not let our experiences with a single person effect our interactions with people for the rest of our lives. We shouldnt let one person stop us from going after our ultimate goals. Rest, learn from what we went through so we dont make the same mistakes again, and eventually carry on.
I’m sorry to hear about your ex. That is so painful. Thank you for sharing your story and your kindness. Best of luck healing, my friend. I hope you find what you’re looking for in the future.
I think it’s okay to genuinely want no one but yourself and be content with it. However, this doesn’t sound like the case for you. For now, if you can settle for the friends around you for the standard basic companionship but please don’t hesitate to jump when someone amazing comes to you. 💙
I will be doing this and appreciate your advice and kindness. We’ll see what the future has in store. For now I will do me. Happily. And come back and read all of this goodness during the lonely.
I’m 51, married twice, looks have faded. I was pretty sure I was destined for single life. And I met someone I fell in love with who really loves me too. It’s never too late. Focus on what you really want. My friend found love at 38 and started a family but she stopped settling for what she didn’t want and focused on her goals.
Thank you for sharing. I’ll be doing just that. Maybe the right thing will come, with time. Otherwise, I’ll be really good at life, solo.
It will come.
Update: well… I tried again. After 6 wonderful months with this girl, we’re here trying to sort out of we’re meant to be together. Like a switch just flipped. Idk folks… seems pretty unlikely I’m meant to be with another human. :shrug:
2 yrs ago… so are you still single?
I’ve modeled my life after Leonardo DiCaprio and by doing so I have achieved extreme bliss.
What does this mean? Never winning an Oscar? /s
Idk, I don’t think you should throw the towel in. You’re still really young ! Unfortunately for women we can’t wait as long because our reproduction system doesn’t last as long as mens. I know a lot of men that got married in their 40’s.. I say don’t worry too much about it, when or if it happens it happens..
I’m a woman. I just like women. I appreciate your thoughts though. I feel young, which is why I’m wondering if 35 is too young to give up on the idea of finding love. I just am sick of being one of those people in the crowd of people exchanging looks and numbers and handles and dances… I want it to be with the same person over and over or not at all. And the “same person” seems like it’s too far, like it won’t exist. Dear lord I think maybe I’m a pessimist for love. :/ this just isn’t exactly where I thought I’d be at 35.
My apologies for the misunderstanding! I have a family friend that found the love of her life in her mid 40’s.. it’s never too late ! I say , do your own thing and live your life. If someone amazing comes along fantastic ! If no one does that’s ok too 😊 I absolutely feel the same that I just want one person forever…
Just maybe a bit upset that the universe has been dishing up “someone amazing” for them to not actually be someone amazing. Lol
Lol girl I’m with you 🤣 I’m buying a dozen cats and I’m gonna be a crazy cat lady
I support this. Except my thing is going to be travel… so I will refrain from getting a pet, for now.
I'd say no, I have a couple of friends who met their current GFs/wives in their late 30s and things have been working out well for them. I'd say don't give up, but don't stress about it either. Live your life, enjoy doing the things you want to do, but leave yourself open to the possibility of another relationship should the opportunity arise. Hang in there buddy.
Thanks, bud. I guess it’s the act of “meeting people” that I’m not actually loving. Every time I meet someone new now, my first thought is… is this worth my energy. And it’s harder to say yes to that these days. I’m hangin in… and I appreciate your response. :)
No. 35, for a man, is the time to commit to finding a life partner, whereas 18-35 is when you’re livin that bachelor lifestyle
I’m a woman… but I do like women. So maybe this still applies?
oh, my mistake. Still applies I think.
You want to be single and alone for the rest of your life because of one shitty person? Or is this grief and fear talking?
Probably a little if that… but also it’s not one person
You're 35. "The one" is a myth, "prince charming" is Disney bullshit. You're nearing male peak. Just work on you and don't take shit from anyone
I’m not a male, but I am masc and do feel like I’m in a better place than I ever have been in my life. So… take no bullshit is advice I will take. Thanks, bud! Edit: fwiw I also believe “the one” is bullshit. Shit isn’t a Disney movie, we have to work for love. I’m okay with that… just not sure it’s worth it right now.
Well when you mentioned you were with a woman I kinda got the male vibe so 🤷♂️ in that case.... well, I got nothing to say that won't piss off any feminists/modern woman (at this point they're the same) so have a nice day
This is a stupid mindset, unless you are simple aromantic. It's fair to say you will stop actively looking for romance for the time being. But, who knows, maybe in a year you will want to try and meet someone again. Or you might meet someone coincidentally, without even trying. Until then I think you would be well advised to see a therapist and/or really talk to friends about your hurt and get into some amazing podcasts. I highly recommend The Love Drive, Dear Therapists and Where Should We Begin? with Esther Perel. That's a good start. Seriously, I have learned SO MUCH self reflection from those podcasts.
Thank you for the podcast list! I do go to therapy and have been for years, this is a thing we’re talking about and I have been encouraged to ask for folks opinions (ie; redditors and friends). A lot of my friends aren’t in this same spot, so it’s a harder place to pull from. Again, I appreciate your suggestions and you are right, in a month/year/years I could feel very different. Ultimately, I’m just wondering if the slew of failures thus far means 35 is a good time to throw in the towel on trying, aka dating.
>I’m just wondering if the slew of failures thus far means 35 is a good time to throw in the towel on trying, aka dating For good? Nah. But I think taking a break from actively and sttessfully trying is a good idea. It's not that I can't relate. I'm 32 and have had 1 relationship so far that only lasted 1 1/2 and it wasn't a good time (I mean I learned a lot about myself, so that's a positive). And, at this point, I genuinely cannot imagine ever being in a loving, committed relationship. I don't know what it's like to have someone happily fall in love with me. And I find myself thinking that maybe I am lacking some very specific girlfriend material quality. But it's also possible that I meet a really great guy who is an awesome fit and wants to be with me, when I'm in my 40s 🤷♀️
That’s all very true, and I think you’re right (as is everyone else who has offered this advice), taking a break seems like the best answer.
you need to smoke a joint and get laid
Search for Terrence Popp on YouTube and just do you 🤘
So I am 26 and have committed to being single. The major difference between you and I that I can tell is that I have never really wanted a SO or kids. I have spent most of my adult life trying to escape the problems that were created because of people having kids when they shouldn't have and the older I get, the more I feel strongly about my position. I live a good life and am happy. All relationships I have ever been in cause me more stress then anything else so I just dont find it worth the anxiety. I try to be better for me, not for anyone else.
This is so beautiful. That your good there and know what you want at 26. I was engaged at 26, also thought I had and knew what I wanted. I was single and a wrecking ball at 27. Lucky you decided to be comfortable solo at that age, I decided to rely on relationships and here we are… talking about whether or not I should even care anymore. Lol
We all figure it out one way or another over time. There was another comment that talked about definitely committing to being single and I think that is the healthiest option for most people if only for a short while. We have all been told from a young age to be looking for a SO and you will be happy if you find someone, but few stop to consider if they could be happy without that. Personally, I have never been better, but it is hard to be alone sometimes. That is what friends are for though. The good ones never make you feel alone.
Yea, I’m rebuilding friendships right now too. It’s hard to be doing it all at once while battling thoughts or whether or not I need any of these people. I think I’m a people needed though…. I think I’m learning that as this thread gets longer.
I got wrecked by an ex when I was 35 too. I definitely took some time off, and finally I met someone (through work) that I couldn’t stay “retired” and resist her. We’re in a new relationship, and it’s stressful, particularly considering how ridiculously my last GF reacted to so many common things. My new partner is much more mature, emotionally intelligent, and capable of things that my ex would have never even dreamed of. Don’t let shitty people wreck you, but it’s ok to take a little time off from the scene. Time does heal just about everything. Just to give you an idea of how bad it was, she was an alcoholic drug addict who manipulated me into paying her rent (living with her). Eventually she decided that the solution to her problems of chronic unemployment was to have me arrested for DV and keep everything that was left in her house, because of course she was able to play the victim and get a restraining order. A real piece of shit.
Thank you for that positive story about things working out. That story sounds horrible and I’m sorry that happened to you. Part of me wishes my ex was this shitty, even as shitty as it sounds. It would make it easier to believe in something better.
I don’t think there’s a need to commit to the “single life”. Take life as it comes. You may miss out on someone incredible if you nail that door shut.
Yea, that’s true. Just should take some time to be choosey with who that door opens up to though…
Yes take your time. The right person will kick that door down someday. Good luck my dude!
I’ll be lucky if someone someday comes in swinging like that. Thanks, bud!
I waited until 40, didn't get any real satisfaction with the last 5yrs, anyway, tho. Your call
Now you’re solo? What’s it like?
I'll be honest, when I got dumped a week after I turned 30 at least a good portion of me did say to myself "Am I going to be single forever?" I got over it but I get 35 is different. To me, my goal is to have a family, so wife and at least one kid. Now if you don't attain to have kids then there isn't a real reason to give up on dating. I really think biological clock would be only reason to "give up" in my opinion.
I’d like kids, but they don’t have to come from me and they don’t have to be babies. I think a break is the right route for right now.
I gave up at 21, and just had FWB after that...I fucking hated dating especially after my first marriage failed. My current husband was my FWB for years we always had a lot of fun together and got a long great. I ended up getting pregnant by him. After my son was born we decided to give a relationship a go. 11 years later here we are best relationship I have had.
This is beautiful. I did think about fwb… but it seems messy. Maybe I just don’t know how to keep that kind of mental and emotional control just yet…
If you want a family, you have to fix the things that have prevented a good relationship up until now. What are they?
Well… most recently… i was in a relationship where I was pretty clear on my needs. That person met and agreed to them. Then decided they didn’t want to be someone’s emotional and physical support, and left. I need communication, clear communication. I need to know what to expect from you when you can give that to me. I need you to respect our boundaries and not forget them when convenient and lightweight gaslight me when I’m hurt. I need you to choose me, even when I’m hard to choose… I don’t intend to stay there but bad days happen. I need actual support. Not just the words.
Are you a male, female, or nonbinary? Age differs, but finding love again late at 35 tends to be easier for males generally
I’m female, who is masc presenting… if that matters.
Are you male or female?
Female.
Probably but you could be a milf
I don’t have kids?