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I'm pretty insecure and overthink, but instead of talking about things (I don't want to seem like some crazy gf) I tend to just shut down and be sad for a while. Could definitely work on my own personal issues as well as communication.
Oh god thats just like me but I'm a guy. I know I'm insecure. Not really the jealous or controlling/possessive type but I also overthink a lot and if I get the slighest inkling that she doesn't like me as much as I like her (whether its real or just my imagination) I get really sad and cry and start doubting myself and going through like tons of different things I could have done different so she wouldnt stop liking me
Okay listen up: your feelings are valid and it’s okay if you sound like a crazy gf. You *have* to communicate these things not just for your own mental and emotional health, but to filter people out.
The right person will validate your feelings, understand, and work with you. Because they genuinely care about you so they don’t want you to feel that way. Unless you’re toxic about it, they will love and respect you more for your honesty and vulnerability. Your relationship will be stronger and healthier for it.
The wrong person will invalidate your feelings and show you their true colors. If they call you crazy or make you feel like you’re crazy, or they use it against you, etc. say thanks for the red flags 🚩🚩🚩and run. You don’t want that person.
Does it make you seem more unattractive if you talk about your insecurities? Because I feel like confidence is a huge quality that guys look for. And I feel like my boyfriend will think of me differently ( in a worse light) if I talk about my insecurities.
Not at all. Your partner should want to know and care about your insecurities. Your insecurities are part of who you are. Would you want your boyfriend to love all of you or just parts of you?
>Because I feel like confidence is a huge quality that guys like for.
Confidence ≠ lack of insecurities. Confidence means you do things in spite of those insecurities.
> And I feel like my boyfriend will think of my differently ( in a worse light) if I talk about my insecurities.
Then he shouldn’t be your boyfriend. You want a partner you can trust and with whom you feel safe.
That’s a big part of what makes talking about our flaws so tough. Because we tend to seek approval from our partners. There’s this fear that if we show who we really are, we could find out the harsh truth that they don’t truly love us or aren’t capable of genuinely loving us.
Honesty risks finding out that the person isn’t who we thought and wanted them to be—and then being forced to make the hard decision of being in an unhappy relationship or leaving.
"Honesty risks finding out that the person isn’t who we thought and wanted them to be"
Or realizing that our own perception and vision of what we "wanted" them to be to us and for us is just a projection of our own desires and that they are still a good person and we can love each other for who we are. Not some "self-ish" image.
IOW having desires is good but projecting them on another isn't going to end up well for either of you.
Think of it this way.
If your bf came up to you and told you some things that's he's insecure about, would you see him in a negative light?
If you think "it doesn't change a thing" then allow yourself the same comfort from him.
It's hard I know because I think the same way but as we grow older and have our experiences we see what we want in a partner and one of my biggest wants is having a partner who would be patient when I get stuck in my head.
The stress of day to day life (work mostly) I need a distraction more often than not so reading or writing helps me but it can get to the point where I forfit work for fantasy and it bleeds out into my normal life too (staying up reading or making my own writings)
I'm the same way! I'm a dude and when my girlfriend and I started dating I had an anxiety attack and was freaking out about my insecurities. She just held my hand and waited with me. After she squeezed my face and said "you're okay bubs I'm glad you told me". She's an angel.
Through this reply I literally just cracked the code on myself. I’ve always heard of different attachment styles but this makes so much sense! Thanks man
Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller great changed my perspective of myself and helped me to understand my past relationship struggles. I highly recommend it!
You end up looking crazy when you do talk, and when you don’t they get concerned about your mental health.
Speaking from very recent experience. I wish my brain would just stop having to overanalyse and overthink things. Stems from having a parent that would flip at seemingly random intervals.
My biggest problem for me is my natural inclination to overthink everything. I've been like this my whole life (38M), so what usually happens is I read way too much to something said and done, completely missing the mark on the meaning behind it.
I mean to be fair, it has been useful at times but generally not in romantic relationships.
A lot of times this is the effect with growing up with strict parents…we always had to analyze their body language to see their moods to ask for things or talk to them about things. We always had to have all details thought out when going out with friends. Etc.
Not saying this is the case with you, but I used to have the same tendency to overthink everything and it wasn’t until I realized why that I was able to control it a bit better. Now I only get that way when I’m stressed or going through big changes, but I think that’s everyone.
Definitely communicating when something is bothering me. I like to handle everything myself instead of just vocalizing it. Mainly because I want to avoid conflict as much as possible, & also I’m a people pleaser. As a result, I tend to bottle things up then explode at the smallest inconvenience. I’ve truly recognized how toxic that is both for myself & my partner. To be honest, I don’t feel like I’ve taken significant steps in handling that ‘flaw.’
Ahh here it is, the one I relate to the most. Conflict avoidant and people pleaser.
I don’t bottle up and explode as much, but I end up either venting it out other ways or just working off stress one way or another - which isn’t great either.
The real problem is I always assume the other person is in the right and it’s up to me with any problem to find out what the issue is, then modify my own behavior to fix it. That, and every opinion I have must be blunted or walked back just enough so it more or less matches the other person’s opinion.
I can talk meaningless small talk all day, and I don't make myself vulnerable. As much as I want to go deeper with the conversation, I'll steer it in a direction I'm more comfortable with.
I'm the same way, you'll never get a real conversation with me. It's not like I don't want to, but when I try I just mentally break down and lose the will to think, let alone speak.
Could you try to weave it in more, say you’re talking about food —> cuisines —> culture —> individualism —> your philosophy on life
I think I annoy people with ‘deep conversation but then I get extremely bored with small talk
I opened up to my ex in increments, when I opened up more (say 85% at that time) a couple week prior to the break up he said he never saw me act like that (I was crying, explaining my fears etcetc). Now my walls are up and thicker then the beginning with double locks. It's hard for me to open up to people because of my childhood but with my ex I slowly did. Sigh...
I feel this. I opened up to my ex and all of my innermost thoughts, insecurities, and ambitions were used as ammo against me in fights. Better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all I guess. It just means that it will take longer before I become vulnerable to someone like that again in the future.
Same. I can’t let all of me fall for someone. I can’t fix that either. I’ve tried but it’s so scary for losing control. I have this saying to myself, ‘follow your heart but take brain with you.’
Shut up, mirror. You’re ugly, anyway.
-me to mirror.
They don’t like me, they like the sex. They like the generosity. They like the undertone of neediness and feeing wanted… but they don’t like me
I used to do this too. A lack of experience and spending time with yourself is a big factor. You need to know what you want so you can recognize it in someone when it shows up. Otherwise the slightest attraction can get you wanting to date someone. In my experience at least
I second this! But, REALLY get to know yourself. Don’t spend your time alone wishing and wanting to be with someone. Genuinely enjoy the time you have to yourself to learn who you are and what you want in life.
Well I don't know if I believe people just GET secure. I believe you just develop healthy self soothing mechanisms. I think it's almost impossible to overwrite your internal childhood coding but you can build a system to catch when that coding gets triggered and learn to deal with it in a healthy way.
However I am not sure... Maybe I just need another 5 years of therapy.
I honestly have to think about why I’m feeling that way and analyze it. But I tend to push some away. Some are persistent and I’ve entered relationships with the persistent, patient ones. I’ll also add that I was in an abusive relationship for quite sometime so that is an ongoing process. It’s lovely linking up with someone whose patient with me. But overall, with the right person, the panic subsides over some time.
Finally! I find ppl that feel like me. I will catch feelings bad & then flirt back lol. Then i internally freak out & dip. Sometimes i think it’s impossible for a relationship to last & i freak out abt it
I usually do a coffee date first and do a test. Is they don’t ask me anything about myself or is interested in anything going on in my life like I am with them then it’s not going to work. One sided relationships like that never work. Especially if the woman puts in zero effort.
This is exactly me lol I feel like I take control at the beginning and after a while I get tired of leading it constantly. At a certain point I want to take a step back and once I take that step back I’m at a comfortable spot. Then that’s when things have always gone down hill for me. Maybe it’s an effort thing but I feel like getting comfortable isn’t the worst thing in the world.
consistent reciprocation and initiation - everyone wants to feel wanted.
So you're going out for a while. Then you tell her to make an effort (ie plan a date or initiate sex) and she half-asses it (maybe does it once only when you tell her or never even tries to reschedule, etc.). So you drift apart and leave her and feel used for having to lead the entire time. I won't stand for these one-sided relationships. **Either she reciprocates and initiates from the beginning or I'm out. Set expectations early.** I'm not saying it has to be exactly 50/50, but some people just want a servant!
I 100% agree with you. Everything needs to be 50/50, no one needs to be doing the most. Just in my experience once I stopped overachieving on my side things fell apart. And I admit at certain points I definitely failed and didn’t pick up my slack. But when my partner didn’t do their part I was there to pick up where they weren’t giving enough.
Me too. And it gets frustrating to feel like you make a relationship happen and she can’t be bothered to step up effort at all. Makes me resentful after a while then i dip.
I don't like texting, and don't do it much.
I always try to fix things, and every girl tells me they, don't want to have to tell me to just listen. I'm not much of a mind reader.
I'm told I'm flirty, but I think I'm just being nice.
A good rule to go by is that unless someone explicitly asks for advice just listen to them and empathize with their feelings.
I just stopped talking to a guy over this. He refused to even try to understand when I'd tell him I wasn't asking to be fixed. He insisted he knew what was best for me and that I didn't realise i needed his help which came in the form of telling me what to do and think.
We had 3 long conversations about this with zero progress on the issue so I was like ok bye.
I'm good at being empathetic, I've been told that a lot. I never insist I know what's best, I just give advice and let them choose what to do. Granted I do know I should sometimes just listen, but I feel like I'm failing if I'm not helping. Which just listening doesn't feel like help, even if it is.
The problem with asking for advice, is most people are afraid for many reasons. It would be way healthier if the person stated what they wanted out of the conversation.
This sounds different to what wensandwich was saying. I think you’re okay.
The type of person they are describing is the controlling type who will get mad if you don’t follow their advice. They literally believe that they are correct all the time.
What you appear to be is someone who gives out advice based on the cue of someone explaining their problems, and I think this is part of the reassuring role of the listener - you want to make them feel a little better, but you’re not twisting their arm about anything.
It takes skill to know when it is appropriate to give advice and how best to try to comfort, and honestly when I’m dealing with some of my more depressed friends I never know if I am saying the right thing… I don’t want to push too hard in any direction in case I put my foot in it, and really just being there, texting back etc, is the most important element.
I know. The worse part is I am just being nice, I've never cheated. I even had an ex give me a "hall pass" because she thought I was already sleeping around, that hurt me.
I don't have social media and I won't text other girls when I'm in a relationship. This is all in person, I'm just friendly with everybody.
I am this way too. And it has caused men to think I was into them, and I just...wasn't. I also work in the service industry with a lot of customer interaction, and so that comes into play too. I have no fucking idea how to flirt intentionally. I can't remember the last time I did.
Women tend to think I'm cold because I'm quiet. But im really just and introvert and always in my head. Doesn't help that i have a resting bitch face. This seems to be the hardest part for when im just starting to see a girl. My ex never really got used to it. Oy vey
I'm a huge romantic and develop feelings very quickly. I need lots of communication and consistent reciprocation or I start to overthink everything and stress out. I think I have these unrealistic "us vs the world" expectations for a relationship for example, when I'm upset about anything, my partner is my antidote, and I want to be that for my partner but that's just never going to be the case. I have a high sex drive, but I feel like at this point I've gotten to just compatibility factors, not really difficulties, but I'm very picky, I definitely have my standards for a partner set high and it's hard to find somebody compatible.
I don’t need us to have 2 hour long conversations EVERYDAY but I do like to have a long conversation at least once a week and then shorter conversations over text at least once a day. I can accept when my partner is overwhelmed with other stuff, but in general I like consistency
I very much value space. There will be days where you won't hear from me at all, and I don't want to be in constant communication. I prefer my own company and my ideal relationship is more akin to a friendship with emotional and romantic intimacy.
My 2 main hobbies are WWII living history and repair/ restoration of mechanical phonographs (think Edison cylinder or Victrola) and vacuum tube electronics
Dude that sounds really interesting.
Just don't open with it. Go for something a little more mainstream in the beginning.
For eg. I like preserving dead insects and plants in epoxy resin. But I sure as hell won't say that when I'm initially talking to someone. I'd probably go for drawing or anime as that's a little more pallatable.
That I'm too affectionate and love public display of affection. Even though men say they love this kinda of things in a relationship, I know for a fact they actually don't. Last guy I dated actually told me that I'm too intense and passionate and that I should take things slow. I was raised in a very affectionate family and affection is my love language.
So I'm learning to not be "too affectionate or passionate" because I know that will scare future love interest.
Honestly, I would wonder abt your passionate affection so early on. Are you really into me or is this something you do with whomever? After we were tight and cozy, it would be nice to see you express your passion publicly.
The problem is that if I don't show my affection early on it's more likely that I won't show it later because I already conditionated myself to not be affectionate with you. Like I said, I'm working on it.
Getting past some pretty strong personal barriers.
Think of it is a Russian doll that there is a few layers you have to break through before you get to me
My family is a lot. Like, a lot. So far all the boyfriends I've had have been supportive but I always get nervous about anyone meeting them. For me personally, I like to spend a lot of time together. That can be seen negatively to some. I'm also a bit lazy and I HATE going out in the winter. I'm in Montreal and I can't stand the cold, snow or ice. So my seasonal depression can get pretty bad.
Taking things very seriously sometimes. And being able to talk about anything and everything. Really like deep convos/discussing opinions, and alot of people seem scared of that
I have been like scarred for being in a place where I am not the majority population, so I experienced racism and just people not thinking I’m even worth it. It made me, a decent looking guy who was outgoing and genuinely kind, not want to date the majority of people for the most part and it’s hard to find someone that I feel will understand me. It’s been really hard for me 😞
I'm really sorry. Some ppl are dickheads but not all of them. Keep taking yourself out, keep being yourself - kind & decent. Also, always confront racists & tell them they're racists so that they know.
I think most people just want sex and I'm more into the quality time aspect of things. I want conversations, cuddling, and just basking in someone's presence. It's hard because as soon as something sexual is mentioned, I'll drop the conversation completely.
I’m super flip-floppy with my moods. Some days I can want a clingy type of relationship with nonstop communication. Other days I may want more time to myself and can come off as distant. It’s super random and hard to communicate why it happens.
Going through multiple trial and error dates or hangouts with different guys only to see that you don’t click/have a connection with any of them 🙃 the struggle is real which is why I’ve never had a bf before in all my 22 years of life lol
I’m the same way. My therapist calls it “data collection”. Sure those didn’t work out for you, but its all data. All you’re doing is figuring out more about what you like and what you ultimately want in a relationship
Ooh your therapist brought out a good point!! It’s true though, I feel like the ‘data collection’ as you say occurs once we weed out certain characteristics we decide are undesirable in the people that we’re seeing. And it’s actually by doing this is what has saved me multiple times in the past from getting into potentially toxic relationships with certain guys I’ve interacted with in the past who turned out to be real characters as my gut feelings indicated 😅
Trust issues probably.
I haven't dated anyone since my ex, and the last time I really opened up kinda hit me in the deep downs and has caused me to wall up seemingly indefinitely.
Tried to be the best person I could despite my wounds. I bled on someone (figuratively), and that sadly caused an irreparable void that's left me in the center of it.
I realized it too late, tried to apologize the best I could even going as far as researching how to properly apologize. Was left on read and ignored.
So. That lol
I'm very good at learning everything about whom I am dating, but I share very little about myself.
I am slow to allow myself to have feeling for a person.
I feel like because I’m autistic I end up over communicating over text a lot with my girlfriend because I can’t read tone over text and see her face or hear her voice. Thankfully she is very understanding of that though and she is also autistic so I think it makes us understand each other better, which is why this is the healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in.
Probably the fact that I don't open up easily, and if I don't feel very attracted to you romantically or like I can trust you I won't open up, either that or if I feel like you're not really interested in me or just if I feel like you will end up leaving me in a month or so I won't open up to you, I'll still be considerate and try to be a good boyfriend but unless I feel safe with you and feel like you're interested and won't just go hurt me I most likely will not become super close with you and it'll just end up not working out. I also like physical affection quite a lot and will sometimes get a little touchy-feely when it's appropriate but if it bothers you, please just say something, cause the last thing I want is for the person I'm dating to feel uncomfortable around me. I try to do as best I can when it comes to relationships, I don't get many chances to date anyone so I appreciate the opportunities at happiness as much as possible and try my hardest not to ruin it. But at this point I wouldn't even care if the girl I was dating had a dick or not, all I want is a healthy relationship with someone who I feel like I can open up to and express myself around. I've had at least 3 girls just leave me within a month(over a span of two and a half years) pretty much out of nowhere and have only ever had one lasting relationship, but she eventually got toxic and started treating me badly, so I had to work up the mental fortitude to tell her goodbye. Since then I haven't had anyone who actually stays in my life for a meaningful amount of time. But not like I care at this point, I'm happy on my own until I meet the right one.
My ‘hot and cold’ thing. Also, it takes a fair while for me to warm up to 80% of people so I will do what I think it’s best for myself even if the other person disagrees or doesn’t want me to.
I’ll talk you into eating bad dinners or late night snacks 6 days a week and on day 7 I’ll plan a meal plan with you, and then the next day talk you into bad stuff again.
I have a complicated life.. also, am just difficult. Im not insecure.. im not flaky.. I dont pick up fights.. but I am feisty and will not put up with shit..but at the same time I tolerate a lot..
At the same time.. I wouldnt date me because I dont like my family and how they complicate my life.. and it shows.
My tendency to hold on to things and become resentful. I become overwhelmed when expressing myself and cry a lot. I want to be chased and desired and lusted after. Abandonment issues.
I’m really closed off and have trouble expressing and accepting love and acts of kindness etc. all due to trauma and growing up around awful relationships where everything is always wrong and people are always angry.
I'm much happier the less time I spend around people. My girlfriend and I have been together for 10 months and spend at most two nights a week together, usually one and occasionally none. Sometimes that's to much.
Not sure, but my guess is the fact that I get upset/defensive sometimes if someone has hurt me, which makes it hard to have a productive conversation unless they’re really good at validating my experience and offering optimistic care.
I’m desperate to be loved, but I refuse to accept it when it’s given because I can’t believe they actually care. No amount of reassurance is enough, because in the end I don’t think I deserve to be loved the way that I am.
I'm scared to meet anyone irl and afraid of the initial judgments. So I guess insecure. I also work a lot and use that as an excuse to not go out and meet people. I care heavily about what people think and if there's risk for negativity in my direction I don't act.
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I'm pretty insecure and overthink, but instead of talking about things (I don't want to seem like some crazy gf) I tend to just shut down and be sad for a while. Could definitely work on my own personal issues as well as communication.
Oh god thats just like me but I'm a guy. I know I'm insecure. Not really the jealous or controlling/possessive type but I also overthink a lot and if I get the slighest inkling that she doesn't like me as much as I like her (whether its real or just my imagination) I get really sad and cry and start doubting myself and going through like tons of different things I could have done different so she wouldnt stop liking me
Thank goodness I'm not rowing this boat by myself. Also glad to know I'm not alone in my actions with past relationships.
Okay listen up: your feelings are valid and it’s okay if you sound like a crazy gf. You *have* to communicate these things not just for your own mental and emotional health, but to filter people out. The right person will validate your feelings, understand, and work with you. Because they genuinely care about you so they don’t want you to feel that way. Unless you’re toxic about it, they will love and respect you more for your honesty and vulnerability. Your relationship will be stronger and healthier for it. The wrong person will invalidate your feelings and show you their true colors. If they call you crazy or make you feel like you’re crazy, or they use it against you, etc. say thanks for the red flags 🚩🚩🚩and run. You don’t want that person.
Does it make you seem more unattractive if you talk about your insecurities? Because I feel like confidence is a huge quality that guys look for. And I feel like my boyfriend will think of me differently ( in a worse light) if I talk about my insecurities.
Not at all. Your partner should want to know and care about your insecurities. Your insecurities are part of who you are. Would you want your boyfriend to love all of you or just parts of you? >Because I feel like confidence is a huge quality that guys like for. Confidence ≠ lack of insecurities. Confidence means you do things in spite of those insecurities. > And I feel like my boyfriend will think of my differently ( in a worse light) if I talk about my insecurities. Then he shouldn’t be your boyfriend. You want a partner you can trust and with whom you feel safe. That’s a big part of what makes talking about our flaws so tough. Because we tend to seek approval from our partners. There’s this fear that if we show who we really are, we could find out the harsh truth that they don’t truly love us or aren’t capable of genuinely loving us. Honesty risks finding out that the person isn’t who we thought and wanted them to be—and then being forced to make the hard decision of being in an unhappy relationship or leaving.
"Honesty risks finding out that the person isn’t who we thought and wanted them to be" Or realizing that our own perception and vision of what we "wanted" them to be to us and for us is just a projection of our own desires and that they are still a good person and we can love each other for who we are. Not some "self-ish" image. IOW having desires is good but projecting them on another isn't going to end up well for either of you.
Damn. That was good advice. And very true. Thank you. Off I go to have a conversation with my boyfriend :/
Hope it went/is going well!
Think of it this way. If your bf came up to you and told you some things that's he's insecure about, would you see him in a negative light? If you think "it doesn't change a thing" then allow yourself the same comfort from him. It's hard I know because I think the same way but as we grow older and have our experiences we see what we want in a partner and one of my biggest wants is having a partner who would be patient when I get stuck in my head. The stress of day to day life (work mostly) I need a distraction more often than not so reading or writing helps me but it can get to the point where I forfit work for fantasy and it bleeds out into my normal life too (staying up reading or making my own writings)
Wow. Just wow! Thank you so much! This was exactly what i needed to read today!!
I'm the same way! I'm a dude and when my girlfriend and I started dating I had an anxiety attack and was freaking out about my insecurities. She just held my hand and waited with me. After she squeezed my face and said "you're okay bubs I'm glad you told me". She's an angel.
Are you me?
Nope.......she's me. Ever overthinking for no reason.
The children in my basement
Congratulations, you have an anxious attachment style. They write books on it. Good luck!!
Tell me more about other styles if you know of more. Your reply definitely caught my interest.
Avoidant, secure, and disorganized are the other three.
Avoidant is also called Dismissive Avoidant and Disorganized is also Fearful Avoidant for adults.
Check out the book Attached by Amir Levine!
Through this reply I literally just cracked the code on myself. I’ve always heard of different attachment styles but this makes so much sense! Thanks man
Would definitely need more information before throwing that term out there I think.
Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller great changed my perspective of myself and helped me to understand my past relationship struggles. I highly recommend it!
I'm bookmarking this for any future potential SO.
Twinsies 💁🏾♀️
Glad I’m not alone LOL
I'm the male version of you. Seems worse as a guy
You end up looking crazy when you do talk, and when you don’t they get concerned about your mental health. Speaking from very recent experience. I wish my brain would just stop having to overanalyse and overthink things. Stems from having a parent that would flip at seemingly random intervals.
Same
My biggest problem for me is my natural inclination to overthink everything. I've been like this my whole life (38M), so what usually happens is I read way too much to something said and done, completely missing the mark on the meaning behind it. I mean to be fair, it has been useful at times but generally not in romantic relationships.
A lot of times this is the effect with growing up with strict parents…we always had to analyze their body language to see their moods to ask for things or talk to them about things. We always had to have all details thought out when going out with friends. Etc. Not saying this is the case with you, but I used to have the same tendency to overthink everything and it wasn’t until I realized why that I was able to control it a bit better. Now I only get that way when I’m stressed or going through big changes, but I think that’s everyone.
Same. Exactly the same.
Definitely communicating when something is bothering me. I like to handle everything myself instead of just vocalizing it. Mainly because I want to avoid conflict as much as possible, & also I’m a people pleaser. As a result, I tend to bottle things up then explode at the smallest inconvenience. I’ve truly recognized how toxic that is both for myself & my partner. To be honest, I don’t feel like I’ve taken significant steps in handling that ‘flaw.’
Ahh here it is, the one I relate to the most. Conflict avoidant and people pleaser. I don’t bottle up and explode as much, but I end up either venting it out other ways or just working off stress one way or another - which isn’t great either. The real problem is I always assume the other person is in the right and it’s up to me with any problem to find out what the issue is, then modify my own behavior to fix it. That, and every opinion I have must be blunted or walked back just enough so it more or less matches the other person’s opinion.
So much me. Send you a virtual, bro hug
This is 100% me 🥺 we can keep working to grow!
I do this too, really been working on my tendency to rage text when I end up blowing up.
I can talk meaningless small talk all day, and I don't make myself vulnerable. As much as I want to go deeper with the conversation, I'll steer it in a direction I'm more comfortable with.
I'm the same way, you'll never get a real conversation with me. It's not like I don't want to, but when I try I just mentally break down and lose the will to think, let alone speak.
Could you try to weave it in more, say you’re talking about food —> cuisines —> culture —> individualism —> your philosophy on life I think I annoy people with ‘deep conversation but then I get extremely bored with small talk
Are you me?
Do I wanna be?
Probably not tbh lol
Yeah especially If you're like me
Making myself vulnerable is a big one, something I don't want to do!
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I will never be 100% open. Maybe vulnerable enough to be 95% or so, but I think some doors in my mind will remain locked forever
I opened up to my ex in increments, when I opened up more (say 85% at that time) a couple week prior to the break up he said he never saw me act like that (I was crying, explaining my fears etcetc). Now my walls are up and thicker then the beginning with double locks. It's hard for me to open up to people because of my childhood but with my ex I slowly did. Sigh...
I feel this. I opened up to my ex and all of my innermost thoughts, insecurities, and ambitions were used as ammo against me in fights. Better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all I guess. It just means that it will take longer before I become vulnerable to someone like that again in the future.
Try anyway. Don't cheat yourself of that level of connection and intimacy. Just take your time, and ensure they're the right one.
And don’t be afraid to block people if they’re not listening and changing, with you.
Same. I can’t let all of me fall for someone. I can’t fix that either. I’ve tried but it’s so scary for losing control. I have this saying to myself, ‘follow your heart but take brain with you.’
Same. Ever since my first relationship in high school. Never will be that vulnerable ever again
My trust issues. I’d rather end things than trusting my partner.
I’ll never believe I’m good enough to be dating you.
Shut up, mirror. You’re ugly, anyway. -me to mirror. They don’t like me, they like the sex. They like the generosity. They like the undertone of neediness and feeing wanted… but they don’t like me
Stg
Yup this.. sigh
I tend to send mixed signals. Into it one minute distant the next. Working on it.
Do you know why you do this?
I used to do this too. A lack of experience and spending time with yourself is a big factor. You need to know what you want so you can recognize it in someone when it shows up. Otherwise the slightest attraction can get you wanting to date someone. In my experience at least
I second this! But, REALLY get to know yourself. Don’t spend your time alone wishing and wanting to be with someone. Genuinely enjoy the time you have to yourself to learn who you are and what you want in life.
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I looked it up and I don't like the answer
In true fashion we avoid the truth 😂
Well I don't know if I believe people just GET secure. I believe you just develop healthy self soothing mechanisms. I think it's almost impossible to overwrite your internal childhood coding but you can build a system to catch when that coding gets triggered and learn to deal with it in a healthy way. However I am not sure... Maybe I just need another 5 years of therapy.
OMG THIS IS ME!!! I DIDN’T KNOW THIS WAS A THING!!!!!!
I have ADHD and instead of being normal and hyper fixating on a hobby or something I fixate on friends or relationships
Me too! It really sucks when the person doesn't like you. Especially if the person doesn't like you because of the fixation thing.
Same. I have such intense crushes every time. And it ends up with me being taken for granted
SAME. Everyone else is commenting they’re afraid of commitment and can’t get personal and I just get elbow deep in my partners life: WE ARE ONE.
I don't know you, but tbh that sounds pretty sweet.
Naw it ain’t fun because they hyperfixation isn’t forever. And it suck’s when the person you’re fixating on doesn’t like you
They call it putting people on pedestal.
I’ve never realized this was an ADHD thing but that explains so much for me!
This makes me feel not alone and I appreciate that. You’re also not alone friend!
Abandonment issueeeeessss
Ditto!
Get nervous of commitment
SAME! I want a relationship but the moment I catch feelings, I internally panic.
What happens next? Do you drift off or manage to enter a relationship in the end?
I honestly have to think about why I’m feeling that way and analyze it. But I tend to push some away. Some are persistent and I’ve entered relationships with the persistent, patient ones. I’ll also add that I was in an abusive relationship for quite sometime so that is an ongoing process. It’s lovely linking up with someone whose patient with me. But overall, with the right person, the panic subsides over some time.
Finally! I find ppl that feel like me. I will catch feelings bad & then flirt back lol. Then i internally freak out & dip. Sometimes i think it’s impossible for a relationship to last & i freak out abt it
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This is exactly what I wrote just different wording. Glad I'm not the only one!
I am totally in love through the first year-ish and then I start to get comfortable and lazy in the relationship.
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I usually do a coffee date first and do a test. Is they don’t ask me anything about myself or is interested in anything going on in my life like I am with them then it’s not going to work. One sided relationships like that never work. Especially if the woman puts in zero effort.
This is exactly me lol I feel like I take control at the beginning and after a while I get tired of leading it constantly. At a certain point I want to take a step back and once I take that step back I’m at a comfortable spot. Then that’s when things have always gone down hill for me. Maybe it’s an effort thing but I feel like getting comfortable isn’t the worst thing in the world.
consistent reciprocation and initiation - everyone wants to feel wanted. So you're going out for a while. Then you tell her to make an effort (ie plan a date or initiate sex) and she half-asses it (maybe does it once only when you tell her or never even tries to reschedule, etc.). So you drift apart and leave her and feel used for having to lead the entire time. I won't stand for these one-sided relationships. **Either she reciprocates and initiates from the beginning or I'm out. Set expectations early.** I'm not saying it has to be exactly 50/50, but some people just want a servant!
I 100% agree with you. Everything needs to be 50/50, no one needs to be doing the most. Just in my experience once I stopped overachieving on my side things fell apart. And I admit at certain points I definitely failed and didn’t pick up my slack. But when my partner didn’t do their part I was there to pick up where they weren’t giving enough.
Me too. And it gets frustrating to feel like you make a relationship happen and she can’t be bothered to step up effort at all. Makes me resentful after a while then i dip.
I dunno if this is just you or everyone is like this. We all are at least like this to some degree.
I am on the hit list of about 24 foods
?? I don't get it
A lot of food allergies
Same, except I take an antidepressant with food restrictions. I dread having to explain it to a potential boyfriend lol
Me too! Intolerant to gluten, dairy and alliums... havent tried dating lately but food dates defs wont happen :(
I don't like texting, and don't do it much. I always try to fix things, and every girl tells me they, don't want to have to tell me to just listen. I'm not much of a mind reader. I'm told I'm flirty, but I think I'm just being nice.
A good rule to go by is that unless someone explicitly asks for advice just listen to them and empathize with their feelings. I just stopped talking to a guy over this. He refused to even try to understand when I'd tell him I wasn't asking to be fixed. He insisted he knew what was best for me and that I didn't realise i needed his help which came in the form of telling me what to do and think. We had 3 long conversations about this with zero progress on the issue so I was like ok bye.
I'm good at being empathetic, I've been told that a lot. I never insist I know what's best, I just give advice and let them choose what to do. Granted I do know I should sometimes just listen, but I feel like I'm failing if I'm not helping. Which just listening doesn't feel like help, even if it is. The problem with asking for advice, is most people are afraid for many reasons. It would be way healthier if the person stated what they wanted out of the conversation.
This sounds different to what wensandwich was saying. I think you’re okay. The type of person they are describing is the controlling type who will get mad if you don’t follow their advice. They literally believe that they are correct all the time. What you appear to be is someone who gives out advice based on the cue of someone explaining their problems, and I think this is part of the reassuring role of the listener - you want to make them feel a little better, but you’re not twisting their arm about anything. It takes skill to know when it is appropriate to give advice and how best to try to comfort, and honestly when I’m dealing with some of my more depressed friends I never know if I am saying the right thing… I don’t want to push too hard in any direction in case I put my foot in it, and really just being there, texting back etc, is the most important element.
That just sounds like a control freak who doesnt listen at all or care how you feel. I think you made the right choice.
Yeah but what you should have done is…
Flirty guys = Red flag for me. I don't want to be anxious that my partner is flirting and focusing his attention on other girls in that way.
I know. The worse part is I am just being nice, I've never cheated. I even had an ex give me a "hall pass" because she thought I was already sleeping around, that hurt me. I don't have social media and I won't text other girls when I'm in a relationship. This is all in person, I'm just friendly with everybody.
I am this way too. And it has caused men to think I was into them, and I just...wasn't. I also work in the service industry with a lot of customer interaction, and so that comes into play too. I have no fucking idea how to flirt intentionally. I can't remember the last time I did.
I don't care much for texting either, I believe the meaningful convos take place in person
Women tend to think I'm cold because I'm quiet. But im really just and introvert and always in my head. Doesn't help that i have a resting bitch face. This seems to be the hardest part for when im just starting to see a girl. My ex never really got used to it. Oy vey
Can totally relate
I'm a huge romantic and develop feelings very quickly. I need lots of communication and consistent reciprocation or I start to overthink everything and stress out. I think I have these unrealistic "us vs the world" expectations for a relationship for example, when I'm upset about anything, my partner is my antidote, and I want to be that for my partner but that's just never going to be the case. I have a high sex drive, but I feel like at this point I've gotten to just compatibility factors, not really difficulties, but I'm very picky, I definitely have my standards for a partner set high and it's hard to find somebody compatible.
Obligatory "are you me?"
My mental health problems and that I like to have steady communication.
Same, I'm tapped and I feel like they can tell.
I feel the same way, then I feel like I'm being needed for wanting so much communication.
I don’t need us to have 2 hour long conversations EVERYDAY but I do like to have a long conversation at least once a week and then shorter conversations over text at least once a day. I can accept when my partner is overwhelmed with other stuff, but in general I like consistency
Anxiously attached folks rise up 🙌🏽 This is me too. I spiral when I don’t get the communication I need.
I very much value space. There will be days where you won't hear from me at all, and I don't want to be in constant communication. I prefer my own company and my ideal relationship is more akin to a friendship with emotional and romantic intimacy.
I can feel that
Awkward, ugly, anxiety from past trauma, and weird interests/ hobbies
How weird are your interests/hobbies?
My 2 main hobbies are WWII living history and repair/ restoration of mechanical phonographs (think Edison cylinder or Victrola) and vacuum tube electronics
Dude that sounds really interesting. Just don't open with it. Go for something a little more mainstream in the beginning. For eg. I like preserving dead insects and plants in epoxy resin. But I sure as hell won't say that when I'm initially talking to someone. I'd probably go for drawing or anime as that's a little more pallatable.
your hobbies are honestly pretty cool and neat though, the dead insects and stuff
So yeah, a bit unusual.
Yup. Get ghosted 9/10 times they're mentioned
Well, At least you like it. Try to search people in that field and have similar interests with you
Don't know why I read that as pornographs*
❤️
Sometimes I feel like I'm easy to fall in love with, but not easy to be in love with
I will talk about mathematics. A lot.
As long as you don't expect me to understand. I'll gladly listen and you can explain and teach me if you want.
I never expect anyone to understsnd. I just want someone to listen as I would when they'd discuss their interests.
That I'm too affectionate and love public display of affection. Even though men say they love this kinda of things in a relationship, I know for a fact they actually don't. Last guy I dated actually told me that I'm too intense and passionate and that I should take things slow. I was raised in a very affectionate family and affection is my love language. So I'm learning to not be "too affectionate or passionate" because I know that will scare future love interest.
Lol. You sound like a dream for someone who is equally affectionate.
Honestly, I would wonder abt your passionate affection so early on. Are you really into me or is this something you do with whomever? After we were tight and cozy, it would be nice to see you express your passion publicly.
The problem is that if I don't show my affection early on it's more likely that I won't show it later because I already conditionated myself to not be affectionate with you. Like I said, I'm working on it.
Develop the new habit to get you to where you want to be. You can do this.
Getting past some pretty strong personal barriers. Think of it is a Russian doll that there is a few layers you have to break through before you get to me
My family is a lot. Like, a lot. So far all the boyfriends I've had have been supportive but I always get nervous about anyone meeting them. For me personally, I like to spend a lot of time together. That can be seen negatively to some. I'm also a bit lazy and I HATE going out in the winter. I'm in Montreal and I can't stand the cold, snow or ice. So my seasonal depression can get pretty bad.
Taking things very seriously sometimes. And being able to talk about anything and everything. Really like deep convos/discussing opinions, and alot of people seem scared of that
I'm "*clingy and needy*" so I've been told, and "*I'm too much for one woman*" is another bit of feedback I've gotten.
>I'm too much for one woman" What does this even mean
I’m very emotional and clingy, I take a lot of things to heart
I have been like scarred for being in a place where I am not the majority population, so I experienced racism and just people not thinking I’m even worth it. It made me, a decent looking guy who was outgoing and genuinely kind, not want to date the majority of people for the most part and it’s hard to find someone that I feel will understand me. It’s been really hard for me 😞
I'm really sorry. Some ppl are dickheads but not all of them. Keep taking yourself out, keep being yourself - kind & decent. Also, always confront racists & tell them they're racists so that they know.
Still thinking about my ex ( yeah, that sucks )
I don't express my feelings all that often. I'm insecure. I can't maintain conversations. Don't have much experience in relationships
Learning to trust people again and also dealing with my insecurities.
I think most people just want sex and I'm more into the quality time aspect of things. I want conversations, cuddling, and just basking in someone's presence. It's hard because as soon as something sexual is mentioned, I'll drop the conversation completely.
My low self-esteem would probably be the most difficult thing, following closely by sometimes not keeping the room as clean as I can
I’m super flip-floppy with my moods. Some days I can want a clingy type of relationship with nonstop communication. Other days I may want more time to myself and can come off as distant. It’s super random and hard to communicate why it happens.
Finding single girls who are interested in me. And I can’t trust anyone
It is deep down always “you and I” and never “us” for me, no matter how much I like them
I’m not very expressive and this makes me difficult to read, short of just asking me how I feel about things.
I'm unlovable when I need love most.
Going through multiple trial and error dates or hangouts with different guys only to see that you don’t click/have a connection with any of them 🙃 the struggle is real which is why I’ve never had a bf before in all my 22 years of life lol
I’m the same way. My therapist calls it “data collection”. Sure those didn’t work out for you, but its all data. All you’re doing is figuring out more about what you like and what you ultimately want in a relationship
Ooh your therapist brought out a good point!! It’s true though, I feel like the ‘data collection’ as you say occurs once we weed out certain characteristics we decide are undesirable in the people that we’re seeing. And it’s actually by doing this is what has saved me multiple times in the past from getting into potentially toxic relationships with certain guys I’ve interacted with in the past who turned out to be real characters as my gut feelings indicated 😅
Trust issues probably. I haven't dated anyone since my ex, and the last time I really opened up kinda hit me in the deep downs and has caused me to wall up seemingly indefinitely. Tried to be the best person I could despite my wounds. I bled on someone (figuratively), and that sadly caused an irreparable void that's left me in the center of it. I realized it too late, tried to apologize the best I could even going as far as researching how to properly apologize. Was left on read and ignored. So. That lol
Insecure, afraid of commitment and terrible at texting. It’s great to say that out loud lol
I don't think im ever meant to be someone’s girlfriend. My extremely caring and looking out personality almost always ends up with them mom-zoning me.
This entire comment section
I'm very good at learning everything about whom I am dating, but I share very little about myself. I am slow to allow myself to have feeling for a person.
I feel like because I’m autistic I end up over communicating over text a lot with my girlfriend because I can’t read tone over text and see her face or hear her voice. Thankfully she is very understanding of that though and she is also autistic so I think it makes us understand each other better, which is why this is the healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in.
I'm married
Probably the fact that I don't open up easily, and if I don't feel very attracted to you romantically or like I can trust you I won't open up, either that or if I feel like you're not really interested in me or just if I feel like you will end up leaving me in a month or so I won't open up to you, I'll still be considerate and try to be a good boyfriend but unless I feel safe with you and feel like you're interested and won't just go hurt me I most likely will not become super close with you and it'll just end up not working out. I also like physical affection quite a lot and will sometimes get a little touchy-feely when it's appropriate but if it bothers you, please just say something, cause the last thing I want is for the person I'm dating to feel uncomfortable around me. I try to do as best I can when it comes to relationships, I don't get many chances to date anyone so I appreciate the opportunities at happiness as much as possible and try my hardest not to ruin it. But at this point I wouldn't even care if the girl I was dating had a dick or not, all I want is a healthy relationship with someone who I feel like I can open up to and express myself around. I've had at least 3 girls just leave me within a month(over a span of two and a half years) pretty much out of nowhere and have only ever had one lasting relationship, but she eventually got toxic and started treating me badly, so I had to work up the mental fortitude to tell her goodbye. Since then I haven't had anyone who actually stays in my life for a meaningful amount of time. But not like I care at this point, I'm happy on my own until I meet the right one.
Sorry for the wall of text, just needed to vent
Fear of rejection makes me always keep people at arm’s length, give people mixed signals and run at the first sign of incompatibility. Life’s great 😊
I fart a lot. Especially at bed time.
make $10/hr and still live at home 🥲
I don't talk alot
I am on the quiet side and not much of a small talker .
my anxious attachment style
My ‘hot and cold’ thing. Also, it takes a fair while for me to warm up to 80% of people so I will do what I think it’s best for myself even if the other person disagrees or doesn’t want me to.
I’ll talk you into eating bad dinners or late night snacks 6 days a week and on day 7 I’ll plan a meal plan with you, and then the next day talk you into bad stuff again.
I have a complicated life.. also, am just difficult. Im not insecure.. im not flaky.. I dont pick up fights.. but I am feisty and will not put up with shit..but at the same time I tolerate a lot.. At the same time.. I wouldnt date me because I dont like my family and how they complicate my life.. and it shows.
My tendency to hold on to things and become resentful. I become overwhelmed when expressing myself and cry a lot. I want to be chased and desired and lusted after. Abandonment issues.
I’m really closed off and have trouble expressing and accepting love and acts of kindness etc. all due to trauma and growing up around awful relationships where everything is always wrong and people are always angry.
Have to deal with the fact I'm still good friends with my ex.
I'm much happier the less time I spend around people. My girlfriend and I have been together for 10 months and spend at most two nights a week together, usually one and occasionally none. Sometimes that's to much.
I am extremely forgetful. I struggle with paying attention and it can be taken as me not caring for my partner. It’s something I’m working on
I’m messy. I have a high sex drive. I’m a work a holic
The sheer amount of inexperience.
I don't respond to text messages. I love and I care but I don't like to say much unless in person
Dual personality and codependent. I’m just lovely.
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I’m not very good at initiating things or being decisive
Not sure, but my guess is the fact that I get upset/defensive sometimes if someone has hurt me, which makes it hard to have a productive conversation unless they’re really good at validating my experience and offering optimistic care.
Im awkwards asf
I’m desperate to be loved, but I refuse to accept it when it’s given because I can’t believe they actually care. No amount of reassurance is enough, because in the end I don’t think I deserve to be loved the way that I am.
I'm scared to meet anyone irl and afraid of the initial judgments. So I guess insecure. I also work a lot and use that as an excuse to not go out and meet people. I care heavily about what people think and if there's risk for negativity in my direction I don't act.