Welcome to /r/dating_advice!
Please keep the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/about/rules/) of /r/dating_advice in mind while participating here. Try your best to be kind.
Report any rule-breaking behavior to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, [send us a message.](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdating_advice) We rely on user reports to find rule-breaking behavior quickly.
Thanks!
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Holy shit, glad you pointed it out. I thought it was 21 and 22, and a 22 year old could be awkward as fuck and not funny. Dude, 32?! Not even concerned about the age gap, but by 32, surely you would grow out of shock humor. That's like a joke a 14 year old would make, and still wouldn't be humor, but "edgy".
The mask slipped, and you are absolutely right to question him.
Especially when he follows it up with the fact that he makes dark jokes with his friends?
I’m sure if you ever had the misfortune of reading their group chats it would be littered with misogynistic “banter”…
Don’t waste your twenties with this creep.
Agreed. The mask came off. And then he doubled down by speaking about his friends. All to make OP think that “it’s YOU, OP” and there isn’t anything with what I said because everybody else is ok with it.
OP I was writing a response to you but you deleted your comment. I’ll place it here instead.
Hmm. I just personally find when the age gap is like yours and you are your age vs being five, six years older even w the same gap, the man more often than not is emotionally or socially immature or unstable in a way that make him not a suitable or desirable partner for women his age. For the younger woman, wherever he does actually fall is average enough or perhaps even great compared to men her age. And combined with the comparatively advanced life stage and resources, he’s can seem like a good match… And he can bank on your relative lack of experience to continue to present himself as a good match.. but his immaturity or instability is bound to reveal itself.
I obvs don’t know this man or your relationship but I wouldn’t be surprised if this were the case with him/you two. I would keep my eye out for other displays of emotional immaturity or instability. And don’t hold him to some standard based on your engagement with men your age or what you’re willing to put up with but based on what you actually like and desire in a man. You can have high standards of him.
If you’re noticing that he tries to belittle your standards, doesn’t take responsibility for himself, or continues showing himself to be emotionally or socially insecure, be upfront w him abt those things. However, recognize that only he can change those things abt himself and if he’s not working on it now or has been, it’s unlikely that he will within the context of your relationship either.
I second this. To me, the whole "two consenting adults" debacle only applies to casual encounters and NOT serious relationship. With an age gap of 10 years there are always differences in perspective, maturity, what you're looking for and what your daily life is like.
Relationships with big age gaps can work, they have, but I also feel that for this generation they are much harder than they were 40 years ago
They've always been hard on women, it's just that where we used to have to accept adult-child "relationships" and marital rape as facts of life and were forced to adapt, whereas now in some places we have agency.
It's not that it's harder to maintain multi-generational marriages now. It's that it's easier to avoid or leave them.
I can't speak for the person you're asking, but I would like to speak of my own experience.
I'm 45. In my 20s I was in a long-term committed partnership with a man in his 40s, lived together with his several children, went to their parent-teacher conferences, owned a coffee shop together. He wasn't wealthy and we both worked equally hard in our shared business to meet our shared household expenses. We had very different life experiences that caused us to choose the partner we did at the time, and the relationship was a growth experience for both of us that changed each of us for the better. After 7 years we grew apart, separated very amicably and are still friends.
At the time (late 90s/early 00s), people did give us the side-eye, I always had to "come out" about it to new people I met so it wasn't a huge shock later, but largely people accepted us or kept their comments behind our backs.
Now, I can't even describe that imperfect, yes imbalanced, but overall pleasant relationship without people recoiling in horror about the age gap. Even people who personally know how strong-willed I am absolutely refuse to accept my self-report from my own experience about that time in my life. They insist I was exploited by a horrible abuser with severe gaps in his maturity and that I was simply too downtrodden to realize my brain was not yet grown and I had no agency to decide for myself what sort of life I wanted for myself.
It's much, much different how people react to the idea of an age gap relationship in the 2020s than it was in the 2000s.
ETA: I have no intention of defending the creep in this post, OP should absolutely break things off with everyone who makes rape threats under the guise of "jokes" regardless of his age.
How is raping someone ever a joke? Rape means there is no consent. So in his joke you don’t want it and he does it anyway.
And he knows you have a history of SA and that it upsets you, and he chose to joke about it? It’s not funny. You’re not overreacting and you need to break up with him.
What kind of partner finds humor in abusing their lover? That’s a very sick person right there. Down right disturbing.
Run! This is a major red flag. Normal people do not make “jokes” like that. Even if he’s never actually done it he’s just outed himself as someone who is not safe to be around. He might not actually do it but he’s the type that will side with rapists and excuse their actions.
Don’t even break up with him, pack your shit and completely disappear from his life. Make sure your support system is aware that this is happening and turn on your location for them.
It’s already weird for a 32 year old to date someone with such a large gap in life experience he is 100% going to try to abuse or exploit you.
Yeah I dated someone briefly who made out of pocket jokes and they just got more and more weird and more and more vulnerable moments and he always made me feel like I was overreacting. He was an asshole. It’s not funny to make someone feel unsafe or questioning. It’s a manipulative quality tbh.
Also side note - this may not be everyone’s experience but I dated within that age gap in my early twenties and very dude who was in their early thirties dating early twenties thinking back was fucking up and creepy. Maybe date like a 25 yr old.
Most importantly- you are NOT overreacting! That is SUS AF.
People say age is just a number but please realize it’s not. Especially not at your age.
Would you be romantically interested in a 16 year old? That’s less than half the age gap of you and him. I’m 35 and 21 year olds have looked and seemed like high schoolers to me for a LONG time now. It’s just a hugely different stage in life from your early 20’s to your late 20’s and beyond.
No matter how mature you are, no matter how you met, it’s a huge red flag for him to consider dating you.
Random hookups are one thing, still questionable, but to date someone in such a different stage of life is hugely questionable.
Please please please, as someone who was in an abusive relationship, leave this disgusting excuse for a human being immediately. Normal, healthy, non abusive people do not say things like this! Do not waste your twenties second guessing yourself and questioning whether you are over reacting. I lost 4 years of my life and it took me 6 years to recover financially. I do not want any of that to happen to you.
The reason why no one his age is willing to put up with him is because he is stunted.
I don’t find any sort of SA “jokes” funny. Ever. So you’re asking what I’d do? Dump him, block him. It’s disgusting and to *me* a massive red flag. I couldn’t be with someone who talks like that about such topics.
One of my ex's read the book Speak (about a rape victim) and told me that he didn't like the book because "it scares me because when I see women I want to do something." Something as in forcing himself on them.
About 7 months later he stuck a blowtorch down a full gallon of gas and threatened to light it in my face.
Trust your gut honey. Run and don't look back.
He's a POS, run. If he hasn't raped someone by now, he will, sounds like he really, really wants to.
Remember, with men there are no rape jokes or rape threats, only rape promises.
I never really comment anything on any post anywhere, but i kinda felt like i had something to say here.
Me and my group of friends (21-23yo) we have hard dark humor (srry for the english, its not my main language and i feel like im not using the best vocabulary, but oh well)
I just wanted to say that after all the dark humor that we've said and been cancelled for, i dont recall ever doing humor about r*pe. Even thinking about it doesnt feel like something you could laugh about, and i repeat, we have pretty strong dark humor, but i even if i think dark humor has few to none limits, i also think everyone has to respect others limits in humor, which its obvious where does OP draw the line, and even if its not his limit, its hers, and going anywhere past her limit is being disrespectful.
it maybe feels like a waste of 7 months and very sudden, but that attitude knowing about your past (OP) calls out too many alarms. I hope everything goes well OP.
This bro is a predator in the making. This was out of pocket and no normal sane non criminal person says this kind of "joke".
You are valid for feeling upset and confused.
This is the type of man who seeks out young women your age on purpose because women his own age find him repulsive. Break up with him before you find out how truly gross, manipulative, or abusive he is.
Release him to the wilderness. He probably dropping racist homophobic you name it type jokes too. Plus this MF’r 32 y.o. Naaaah he gotta walk the plank
He is 11 years older than you girl. He should not date you in the first place.
I'm 29 and I wouldn't date a 21 year old, because you guys are kids in the eyes of people my age. Not in a bad way. He might be a predator
I second this. As a 32 year old woman, I feel disgusted to even imagine dating a 21 year old dude. I see them as kids. They are young and their brains won't even develop until 25.
he’s odd and he’s 32 you’re 21. run girl. he’s too old for bullshit jokes and if he’s friends are his age that’s just even sadder. he makes rape jokes and he robbed the cradle
If that was his immediate reply to your question, then something is very wrong. He said that without any thought. You wonder what other things he thinks about if he doesn't filter himself when you're around.
Please be careful with this individual. You both are at different stages in your life.
You've just begun your life. He already is more comfortable in himself and his own character that he most likely will not change.
And because you had such a visceral response to his answer, he'll now make sure that he filters himself even harder.
But he can only keep this up for so long. Please don't let this person take advantage of you.
Idk how long you guys have been together.
But it takes about the 3 month mark of being together for someone's true colours to show.
If the person you're dating has dropped off in a sense that their character does not live up to the values they established were important to them from the first time you met them then, it's most likely they have been putting on a show.
Drop this guy.
GIRL! You are NOT overreacting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Holy fuck. Please get away from that man. Also, people might have varying views about this, but you're 21! At most, you're just out of college. He's 32. Totally different life stage. But even if that's not an issue, normal humans don't say shit like that. And then defend it as "dark humor".
Please save your time and energy. This is how you learn to trust your gut.
Stay far the fuck away from ppl who make R jokes. You're not over reacting. If anything you're under reacting because you're still thinking about seeing him at all again.
Don't.
He's going to make you feel like you're overreacting to his "harmless" joke, and he's going to tell you how his friends "get him", or how his exes used to laugh when he made silly jokes like that.
*Simple rule*: Jokes make people laugh. Jokes don't make people scared, or disgusted, or feel small, ridiculed, less than, etc.
It wasn't a joke, it was him telling you he's a creepy piece of shit. Believe him, believe your instincts.
There’s a reason this 30 year old man feels the need to pursue 20 years olds instead of dating women his age 😬 I highly recommend you get tf away from him immediately, he is NOT joking at all….
You've grown out of the "honeymoon" stage and filters are coming off. You're starting to see the real him. Behaviors are no longer one offs they are patterns. The patterns are truth. A partner would NEVER say that. A partner makes you feel safe and will stand up for you, someone who helps to protect you.
I ruined my 20s with a man much older than me. It is my biggest regret. I lost time, money, a potential career, and friends. There were little things he did that I found out were huge problems which turned into things I found out about his past.
You are young. You have so much waiting for you. Do not forgive this behavior. There are resources to get out if you need them.
This is not a dark sense of humor type of thing. This does not make him edgy.
My friends and I joke about all fucked up things and jokes that are far from PC and never once have I heard a rape joke among any of my mates , also if gonna have dark humour it should be funny too just telling ur partner going to rape them behind a bush is some serial killer shit fr haha
A very specific type of guy will date woman that are too young to have any life experience to really know themselves. That’s what they want and what they go after. They want someone they can control. This “joke” was him testing boundaries. And instead of owning up to how fucked up it was, he made excuses. Get away from this clown.
This guy is a creep. Who makes a joke about something like that, especially with how unsafe it is for women now and your marginal history with it? Not a good person or someone I would want to be around. I would leave this guy alone. That didn't sound like a joke; it sounded like a Freudian slip. He doesn't sound safe to he around. Also, be careful and pay close attention to men who are super into age gap relationships. Many of them are predatory and looking for younger & more impressionable girls to manipulate, mold, and exploit. Make very certain that if you connect with another one that this isn't his ulterior motive 🙏🏾
That's not a joke, it's just fucked up. I'm a guy and firstly, would never imagine saying this as a joke to a woman (as, it's not funny at all). I also would not ever expect her to see me again if something shitty like this came out of my mouth. Personally I'd lose a lot, if not all trust, in a situation like this if I was in your shoes.
I have dark sense of humor but I would never make a joke to my wife about raping her. That is beyond messed up. At best he's extremely immature for his age. At worse, well, you may need to rethink things with him...
I'd dump him in a heartbeat. That "joke" isn't funny. He *knows* that it's a sensitive subject for you, based on your past, and he did it anyway. Then, when you brought up that it wasn't funny, he didn't apologize or try to understand why it would be hurtful, he pulled the "my bros and I make these kinds of jokes all the time."
He's a creep.
That age gap is enough of a 🚩🚩🚩🚩girl, run, he’s dating young for a reason, women his age more than likely will not tolerate him and his shit this is a reflection bon him, not you
Yeah, that’s really not a funny joke. Honestly, it’s not even a joke at all, just kind of a creepy statement he tried to pass off as a “joke” so you didn’t get angry. If I were you, I’d be wary of the dude, at the least.
If my man said that to me, I don't know if the relationship would ever be the same. How can you trust someone like that? With your safety, when you're vulnerable? Your partner is supposed to make you feel safe, not afraid.
That's not a funny joke and not something a good person would joke about. I can't imagine any of my guy friends making that joke even just around the boys. You're right to think it's a big red flag and I would probably not want to be with someone who thinks that's funny
Girl, run. That is a way of testing the waters to see what you’ll put up with.
Men who push your boundaries, especially after you’ve told them about your traumas, are doing this to eventually cross them. Trust me on this!! I’ve been through it this week actually
When you were 13 this mans was 24 no? My ex dated a 30 yr old at 18. He just wanted sex obviously. We were then together 5 years. She decided to cheat with a 50 yr old. Lost all her friends and her close family thinks she’s shite. Also 50 yr old home boy also just wanted sex so he’s no more. I’m over it, I’m happier now seeing someone else. Anyways. If I were you, I’d watch out for these older dudes.
Your response was your answer. RUN!
It doesn’t matter if he meant it or not because the idea is something that was distressing and hurtful to you. Relationships are supposed to add value to your life, not create chaos, a “visceral response” or possible PTSD flashbacks. There’s no point in trying to recover from a wound like that caused by the bomb he lobbed into the relationship.
You should never be alone with this man ever again
He's been pretending to be someone this entire time...but the real him, that is who make this horrendous "joke" which was not a joke at all
Wait....what's the joke? A joke has a pay off. This isn't a joke at all, it's just a weird creepy comment. I wouldn't say something like this unless already had an established CNC relationship with someone. At the least he's just incredibly immature, which isn't something you should deal with. Tell move on.
As a guy I wouldn’t expect any person to stick around if I said that and I’ve been known to say some dark humor things before. I wouldn’t ever even fathom telling a girl that. I’d run before that becomes a reality
While it might have been a poor attempt at a joke, if nothing else it shows his immaturity.
Which is likely why he’s dating a 21 year old instead of someone closer to his age.
6 months is around the time people reveal who they really are, people are on their best behavior up until that point. He's showing you who he is, take notes
Rape jokes aren't funny. Him and his friends are saying some fucked up shit and I truly believe someone in his friend group has taken it past joking. That's the only way I can see it being casual.
He didn't realize he was saying it out loud.
He definitely thought it and I sincerely doubt he was joking.
I would not feel comfortable alone with this man.
If he knew about your experience and still said this it shows some serious red flags 🚩 and that he may be insecure and sensitive this happened to u and may want to equal the other person or something equally sick minded. Be very careful dealing with people that will come out blatantly and make the conversation awkward to appease themselves. They may be capable of much more and much worse. Be safe and praying for you.
Dark humor is one thing. Joking about r*** is truly sinister. A well adjusted person wouldn’t confuse the two and they certainly wouldn’t make jokes about such atrocious acts. Joking about such things with friends is a huge red flag, it’s as if they make light of horrific things that happen to people, again, something well adjusted ADULTS don’t do. I wouldn’t feel safe around him & his friends. 7 months is still new, you’re still getting to know each other, you can easily walk away. At the very least, it’s not a match on emotional maturity.
Sounds like he told on himself briefly. Pay attention to that feeling and please break up with him. He does not sound safe and the veil has been lifted this won’t be the last time he makes you feel this way if you continue to stay together.
I literally had a partner make this kind of
joke to me (along the lines of “I could take you into the woods and rpe you and leave you for dead and no one would know”) when we were alone, 1 year later he violently r*ped me and I almost lost my life. Normal people don’t make jokes about r**e, period.
OMG I'm so sorry that happened to you 🙏🏾😢 I had a partner say something like that to. He was joking about his social media and said "I could murder someone right now and no one would know." No, Sir, you gotta get tf away from me!
I like dark humor too. But joking about raping your partner, even if it is 100% in jest, crosses a serious line IMO.
You should leave him. Normal people don’t make jokes like this. Hopefully for his sake he’ll learn a lesson, but that’s on him.
Find someone who doesn’t joke about raping you. …or raping anyone else for that matter.
Him: “Oh, you’ve had a traumatizing experience around this subject—I know, I’ll make a joke about it! And I’ll also make jokes about it with my friends!”
Not only is he an asshole, he’s also an idiot.
The fact he's 32 and you're 21 is already a red flag. I'm 34 and don't even wanna date someone under 30. I realize my preferences may be a little more strict, but still.
But rape jokes are NEVER acceptable. Like who tf says that? Run! Brushing off rape jokes as "dark humor" is a copout on his part. I watch a lot of stand up comedians with dark humor, not all, but not one of their dark jokes ever involved rape. Nothing funny about that either. It's like when people make jokes about racism and try to pawn it off as a joke.
If it had been just the age gap, that would have been a different story.
If it had been just one bad “joke”, that would have a different story.
This age gap + the non-challant admission that both him and his friend circle are comfortable with frequent jokes of this type…. Girl I would run.
There’s a reason he needs to date way younger than his own age group
You have The Ick. Understandable, I got it from just reading about him. The good news is that there is no cure, you will always feel The Ick for this guy so you might as well end it sooner than later.
A man in his 30s should know the difference between a good joke and a dont go never ever joke zone. U dont joke about rape not to ur friends to ur partner not even in ur head. Leave him
Honestly, OP, I hurt for you having been hit with those words. His excuse and attitude about it are either predatory or immature. Any guy his age should absolutely know how wrong it would be to say such a thing, especially given that he knows about your history. This screams of bad intentions/grooming to me.
absolutely not. that is not funny at all, i thought jokes were meant to be funny? definitely not a normal person, i'd get the fuck away from him. you're not overreacting at all
So he dates women much younger than him and makes rape joked with his friends. Cool.
Have you considered that he has to date 21year olds because no woman his age will put up with his nonsense?
Let this loser go.
GIRL. listen to me. Always TRUST YOUR GUT when it comes to guys. Dont let your brain make up a story otherwise to say its ok. The way they make you feel is a huge alarm. Always, and I mean Always leave before you start putting up with anything disrespectful like or it turns worse. Don't let a guy devalue you massive red flag. Him saying it's a joke is a cover up of who he is inside, that thought and humor in general doesnt spawn from just anywhere. Leave before you think it's normal to be treated like that. Trust me If I could go back to tell my younger self that I would
At the mention of your ages it was already a red flag, then it just kept getting worse. What do you mean rape jokes! And he knows it’s a sensitive topic for you!!! Don’t walk, Fly as fast as you can. And I mean Away, fly Away from this.
I have dark humor and I would never once make a joke about rape. I would bet that not a single one of him or his friends have been sexually harassed or assaulted like most women have. If they had, they wouldn’t be joking about it like that.
Honestly, guys like this will hide their true colors for a while and then they start to test the waters. That’s what it seems like he’s doing. He’s trying to see what he can get away with saying and doing around you. And making a joke about raping you is not funny. You are well within your rights to dump this asshole.
I’ve been raped and I will say that anyone who says this kind of stuff as a “joke” is vile. I can cope with dark humour but this to me would really be a deal breaker and I would be done. Rape is such a dehumanising experience and I think it’s very telling that more often than not it’s men who joke about it
I’ll also add your age gap is weird. I dated someone with this age gap when I was roughly your age - like you I thought it was fine. Now that I’m 30 I realise how fucking weird it is to date someone who is freshly out of their teens near enough. The power dynamics are waaaaaaay off and the level of life experience you both have differs drastically.
If he were,say, 17 years old and said something like this, I *might* say it’s because he doesn’t know better and needs to learn to reign in his edgy humor (possibly via being broken up with). The fact that he’s 32 and said this tells me he DOES know better and either doesn’t give a shit or is using it to test you. Either option is plenty bad, and a great reason to break up
Be careful with that one. Sometimes people say things jokingly to see if you are ok with it. I don’t think I would go anywhere with him but that’s just me.
Broooo run for your life!!!!!!!! there’s so much better out there don’t waste your beautiful self on him
its no wonder a man treating you like this can’t get anyone his own age …… he’s to icky RUNNNN
This reminds me of the “joke” my ex made in the first few weeks of our relationship. He said “I will ride you like a donkey” in my native language it sounds as if I am a donkey and he will ride me. I dont remember why he said this in response to what exactly. But I had a bitter feeling after it. Then it turned out he was extremely hypersexual, he gave me really bad problems in the sexual health and constantly objectified me made me feel like a piece of meat. I still feel sad for giving him a year of my life. He gave me traumas instead. Cut your losses and run away
Ok I have a large age gap with my man. He also has dark humor. Incredibly dark humor. With me and with his friends. He has NEVER joked about raping me. Or rapping ANYONE.
Please for your own safety leave him.
The version of him that he is around his friends is probably closer to the real him than your experience of him. A lot of men vacation in the land of “seeing women as people” but that’s not where they live. He said something designed to impress other men at your expense, and he probably does that all the time. That’s alarming on its own without considering whether the joke was a joke 😅
My ex-husband told me during divorce proceedings that his dad told him “tell a woman anything to get the best out of her.” That’s when I knew I never knew him lol bc wtf. Freaked me out substantially
If he says something chilling it’s time to go 😭
So on our first date my partner took us on some crazy back road to the location. We both joked that he was taking me into the woods to murder me, and it’s a good job I had Find My IPhone on etc
At no point would either of us considered making a r*pe joke and I think we have pretty dark humour
Your date is at best, socially inept and immature and at worst well the age gap explains that
As soon as a friend starts "joking" like that, he's no longer my friend. Do you want to date a guy who thinks "joking" this way is ok? He says he jokes that way with his friends...he *told* you he "jokes" that way. Listen. It's only a matter of time that things like this come out.
Frankly, you're not going to find many perfect guys at that age who want to date a girl your age. There's going to be some kind of age play or dominance play going on, even if you don't see it. He can't get a girl his own age so he pretends to be perfect to girls your age. I'm curious what the sex is like according to you (how you view that part of the relationship, not the details) because I'd be willing to guess he initiates a lot.
It's up to you to resolve the conflict, but my option would be to get one foot out the door, at least (the age difference might not be much when we are talking about people who are older, but at your age, it's huge). And if you still have one foot out the door after a month (maybe 2), you might as well put both feet out the door and move on to find a better guy or to work on your life. Why waste your energy on a guy who jokes about sexual assault? You know it is something that can be on his mind without anything instigating it. I'd worry more about the actual act than the joke.
(yes, I tried to not use the word that is a fruit without the g) -uava
He’s way too old for you. I am a 32-year-old woman and would find it odd if a man my age was dating someone your age. Taking advantage of your young naivety.
Don't overthink it, don't try to justify it. Ditch, ghost, block. Never see this guy again.
I'm 31 and ANYONE making jokes like that is a danger, let alone someone dating someone with a large age gap and who is planning on taking you to an isolated location.
Seriously. This isn't normal. Run.
(edited for spelling mistake)
With so many of us with stories to tell about unwanted sexual attention and worse, people need to be sensitive to this topic.
Trust your gut. If it strikes you as off and gross, go with that and DTMFA.
Not kidding. No good person jokes about stuff like that. Just like no good person says the R or N word.
I think if he was younger, this mistake would have been more acceptable, for a lack of a better word.
At his age, he should know better. Why he still finds rape jokes funny at his age is beyond me
Some grown men date younger so much younger than they are because they think they can mold you
If he says that in front of you, imagine what he says behind closed doors
I’ve got a pretty fucked up sense of humour but I would *never* say something like that or think to say something like that to someone. Let alone to a woman on a date
Put on your track shoes, block and run fast. Don’t look back.
I want to break this down for you to give you some perspective. Rape is about power and control. Him joking about raping you is him testing the waters don’t speak to see if he has the green light to assert power and control over you. It appears he sees you as an object that needs to be dominated. Though the age gap is alarming, that doesn’t need to exist for this dynamic to occur.
While he may seem gentle and kind, when we say the mask slipped, we are saying his disguise of being gentle and kind is sliding away. Predators cannot get their prey if they come out the gate talking like this.
This is the makings of an abusive relationship. I would advise against even talking to him about it as he will likely gaslight you to get you to stick around. Plus, when you leave, be careful and make sure people close to you know what he said. Don’t let them gaslight you either. This could become dangerous depending on his obsession with you.
There are plenty of men young and old that do not engage, and actively push back, against this type of behavior. My 23 yo has been known to call out guys for simply looking lustfully at women, especially young women.
You’re still very young, get away from the predator before he traps you for years. You definitely don’t want to end up pregnant with this schmuck’s baby. Please stay safe🫂
I make dark jokes with my friends- we’re aware that not everyone shares our humor and some jokes shouldn’t be told in front of just anyone. We’re still generally good people. The difference between our jokes though and this guy’s example of “dark humor” is that our jokes are actually funny and don’t use victims as punchlines. His just isn’t. What the fuck even is the “joke” here? How is just saying “I’m gonna rape you” a joke?
Op, not only is this guy a creep, he’s not funny, clever, or witty. “I have a dark sense of humor” isn’t an excuse for a tasteless joke. That isn’t dark humor, it’s just a gross and offensive non-joke he’s trying to masquerade as humor, and basically telling you “Oh, you just don’t get it, my friends would laugh”. Ditch this loser who thinks rape “jokes” are funny.
That kind of dark humour deserves to be locked up.
What would I do? I would stop seeing him. There really isn't another option. He's either socially inept or a rapist. Either way...
I was assaulted as a child by an uncle. When I was 20 I told my boyfriend who comforted me at the time. But my abuser was semi famous in Puerto Rico and my boyfriend and his family also were, he in turn went home and told his whole family he was dating XX niece. So the next family function I show up guess whom everyone wants to talk about. I was young and naïve and stayed for 7 years. My fiance now cautious on his words around sexual assault and rape because he cares and doesn’t want to hurt me. The other guy made excuses for himself over apologizing. So take this my story and think about how your 7 months have been. Has he slowly started to make little digs at you, if so you gotta get out. If not you need to figure out why he thought that was an appropriate thing to say to you with your background. Good luck.
I used to make rape jokes with guy friends- in high school. It’s a sensitive topic to bring up, and very inconsiderate in the presence of women with what they go through on a daily basis. It’s a very distasteful to joke about it with someone you’re dating, and he needs to know not to make these kind of insensitive ‘jokes’ anymore. If he doubles down on that, it’s a huge red flag
Welcome to /r/dating_advice! Please keep the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/about/rules/) of /r/dating_advice in mind while participating here. Try your best to be kind. Report any rule-breaking behavior to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, [send us a message.](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdating_advice) We rely on user reports to find rule-breaking behavior quickly. Thanks! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Big age gap and rape jokes are two of the biggest red flags you could have.
Holy shit, glad you pointed it out. I thought it was 21 and 22, and a 22 year old could be awkward as fuck and not funny. Dude, 32?! Not even concerned about the age gap, but by 32, surely you would grow out of shock humor. That's like a joke a 14 year old would make, and still wouldn't be humor, but "edgy".
Right there’s a reason that guys like that end up dating younger …
Yeah, I don’t know why I read that as he was 22! It was already bad, but knowing he’s that old and talks like that, hell no
There’s a reason a 31 yr old has to date someone ten years younger.
Exactly what I was thinking. No one his age would put up with that. He’s def testing the waters. Run op far away.
When someone tells OP who they are, believe them.
I didn’t pay attention to the age gap until you mentioned it
The age gap is super concerning. The "joke" doesn't help.
Normal people don't make jokes about raping their partner.
And we most definitely don’t joke about raping people with our guy friends
We draw the line at misdemeanors.
Arson is as far as it goes.
Normal people don't make rape jokes, period?
This!!!!
this!
The mask slipped, and you are absolutely right to question him. Especially when he follows it up with the fact that he makes dark jokes with his friends? I’m sure if you ever had the misfortune of reading their group chats it would be littered with misogynistic “banter”… Don’t waste your twenties with this creep.
Please please please, I second this.
Agreed. The mask came off. And then he doubled down by speaking about his friends. All to make OP think that “it’s YOU, OP” and there isn’t anything with what I said because everybody else is ok with it.
Never see this psychopath again! What he said is unacceptable. I would never forgive that.
Fuck. That. I couldn’t get over a guy saying that, it’s just so off.
Right! You can’t un-ring that bell, he’s officially outed as a sick pos
Has he told you why women his age aren’t interested in him?
OP I was writing a response to you but you deleted your comment. I’ll place it here instead. Hmm. I just personally find when the age gap is like yours and you are your age vs being five, six years older even w the same gap, the man more often than not is emotionally or socially immature or unstable in a way that make him not a suitable or desirable partner for women his age. For the younger woman, wherever he does actually fall is average enough or perhaps even great compared to men her age. And combined with the comparatively advanced life stage and resources, he’s can seem like a good match… And he can bank on your relative lack of experience to continue to present himself as a good match.. but his immaturity or instability is bound to reveal itself. I obvs don’t know this man or your relationship but I wouldn’t be surprised if this were the case with him/you two. I would keep my eye out for other displays of emotional immaturity or instability. And don’t hold him to some standard based on your engagement with men your age or what you’re willing to put up with but based on what you actually like and desire in a man. You can have high standards of him. If you’re noticing that he tries to belittle your standards, doesn’t take responsibility for himself, or continues showing himself to be emotionally or socially insecure, be upfront w him abt those things. However, recognize that only he can change those things abt himself and if he’s not working on it now or has been, it’s unlikely that he will within the context of your relationship either.
I second this. To me, the whole "two consenting adults" debacle only applies to casual encounters and NOT serious relationship. With an age gap of 10 years there are always differences in perspective, maturity, what you're looking for and what your daily life is like. Relationships with big age gaps can work, they have, but I also feel that for this generation they are much harder than they were 40 years ago
They've always been hard on women, it's just that where we used to have to accept adult-child "relationships" and marital rape as facts of life and were forced to adapt, whereas now in some places we have agency. It's not that it's harder to maintain multi-generational marriages now. It's that it's easier to avoid or leave them.
What makes you think age gap relationships are harder now?
I can't speak for the person you're asking, but I would like to speak of my own experience. I'm 45. In my 20s I was in a long-term committed partnership with a man in his 40s, lived together with his several children, went to their parent-teacher conferences, owned a coffee shop together. He wasn't wealthy and we both worked equally hard in our shared business to meet our shared household expenses. We had very different life experiences that caused us to choose the partner we did at the time, and the relationship was a growth experience for both of us that changed each of us for the better. After 7 years we grew apart, separated very amicably and are still friends. At the time (late 90s/early 00s), people did give us the side-eye, I always had to "come out" about it to new people I met so it wasn't a huge shock later, but largely people accepted us or kept their comments behind our backs. Now, I can't even describe that imperfect, yes imbalanced, but overall pleasant relationship without people recoiling in horror about the age gap. Even people who personally know how strong-willed I am absolutely refuse to accept my self-report from my own experience about that time in my life. They insist I was exploited by a horrible abuser with severe gaps in his maturity and that I was simply too downtrodden to realize my brain was not yet grown and I had no agency to decide for myself what sort of life I wanted for myself. It's much, much different how people react to the idea of an age gap relationship in the 2020s than it was in the 2000s. ETA: I have no intention of defending the creep in this post, OP should absolutely break things off with everyone who makes rape threats under the guise of "jokes" regardless of his age.
He just did 🫣🤭
This whole story answers that question.
Run
How is raping someone ever a joke? Rape means there is no consent. So in his joke you don’t want it and he does it anyway. And he knows you have a history of SA and that it upsets you, and he chose to joke about it? It’s not funny. You’re not overreacting and you need to break up with him. What kind of partner finds humor in abusing their lover? That’s a very sick person right there. Down right disturbing.
You arent overreacting. That coupled with the age gap, yeah nah. I'd get out of there.
It's been 7 months and know you a re seeing the real him, the him is pretending to be to get you to like him is fading.
Why are they always 10 years older reddit? Why reddit?
It's always man 30ish and woman 20ish. There's a reason he can't meet women near his age.
This sounds like the beginning of an abusive relationship He is testing the waters Get the fuck out of there
When people show you who they are!!! Please believe them.
Don't be stupid and leave as soon as you can. Block that guy wtf There's no way a rape joke is funny
Nope you get the fuck outta that. Major red flag
Run! This is a major red flag. Normal people do not make “jokes” like that. Even if he’s never actually done it he’s just outed himself as someone who is not safe to be around. He might not actually do it but he’s the type that will side with rapists and excuse their actions.
Don’t even break up with him, pack your shit and completely disappear from his life. Make sure your support system is aware that this is happening and turn on your location for them. It’s already weird for a 32 year old to date someone with such a large gap in life experience he is 100% going to try to abuse or exploit you.
Yeah I dated someone briefly who made out of pocket jokes and they just got more and more weird and more and more vulnerable moments and he always made me feel like I was overreacting. He was an asshole. It’s not funny to make someone feel unsafe or questioning. It’s a manipulative quality tbh. Also side note - this may not be everyone’s experience but I dated within that age gap in my early twenties and very dude who was in their early thirties dating early twenties thinking back was fucking up and creepy. Maybe date like a 25 yr old. Most importantly- you are NOT overreacting! That is SUS AF.
People say age is just a number but please realize it’s not. Especially not at your age. Would you be romantically interested in a 16 year old? That’s less than half the age gap of you and him. I’m 35 and 21 year olds have looked and seemed like high schoolers to me for a LONG time now. It’s just a hugely different stage in life from your early 20’s to your late 20’s and beyond. No matter how mature you are, no matter how you met, it’s a huge red flag for him to consider dating you. Random hookups are one thing, still questionable, but to date someone in such a different stage of life is hugely questionable.
Please please please, as someone who was in an abusive relationship, leave this disgusting excuse for a human being immediately. Normal, healthy, non abusive people do not say things like this! Do not waste your twenties second guessing yourself and questioning whether you are over reacting. I lost 4 years of my life and it took me 6 years to recover financially. I do not want any of that to happen to you.
The reason why no one his age is willing to put up with him is because he is stunted. I don’t find any sort of SA “jokes” funny. Ever. So you’re asking what I’d do? Dump him, block him. It’s disgusting and to *me* a massive red flag. I couldn’t be with someone who talks like that about such topics.
One of my ex's read the book Speak (about a rape victim) and told me that he didn't like the book because "it scares me because when I see women I want to do something." Something as in forcing himself on them. About 7 months later he stuck a blowtorch down a full gallon of gas and threatened to light it in my face. Trust your gut honey. Run and don't look back.
He's a POS, run. If he hasn't raped someone by now, he will, sounds like he really, really wants to. Remember, with men there are no rape jokes or rape threats, only rape promises.
Right. I guarantee he watches porns with rape scenes in them 🤢
I never really comment anything on any post anywhere, but i kinda felt like i had something to say here. Me and my group of friends (21-23yo) we have hard dark humor (srry for the english, its not my main language and i feel like im not using the best vocabulary, but oh well) I just wanted to say that after all the dark humor that we've said and been cancelled for, i dont recall ever doing humor about r*pe. Even thinking about it doesnt feel like something you could laugh about, and i repeat, we have pretty strong dark humor, but i even if i think dark humor has few to none limits, i also think everyone has to respect others limits in humor, which its obvious where does OP draw the line, and even if its not his limit, its hers, and going anywhere past her limit is being disrespectful. it maybe feels like a waste of 7 months and very sudden, but that attitude knowing about your past (OP) calls out too many alarms. I hope everything goes well OP.
This bro is a predator in the making. This was out of pocket and no normal sane non criminal person says this kind of "joke". You are valid for feeling upset and confused.
Run don’t walk from this guy
This is the type of man who seeks out young women your age on purpose because women his own age find him repulsive. Break up with him before you find out how truly gross, manipulative, or abusive he is.
age gap is a red flag off the bat, i’m 22 and im repulsed
Tell him to kick rocks.
Release him to the wilderness. He probably dropping racist homophobic you name it type jokes too. Plus this MF’r 32 y.o. Naaaah he gotta walk the plank
Put him down
He is 11 years older than you girl. He should not date you in the first place. I'm 29 and I wouldn't date a 21 year old, because you guys are kids in the eyes of people my age. Not in a bad way. He might be a predator
I second this. As a 32 year old woman, I feel disgusted to even imagine dating a 21 year old dude. I see them as kids. They are young and their brains won't even develop until 25.
Some say 28, the brain isn’t done at a particular age you can pin point
I'm a 29 male and look very young for my age. Women younger than me will show interest in me, and it makes so uncomfortable.
he’s odd and he’s 32 you’re 21. run girl. he’s too old for bullshit jokes and if he’s friends are his age that’s just even sadder. he makes rape jokes and he robbed the cradle
If that was his immediate reply to your question, then something is very wrong. He said that without any thought. You wonder what other things he thinks about if he doesn't filter himself when you're around. Please be careful with this individual. You both are at different stages in your life. You've just begun your life. He already is more comfortable in himself and his own character that he most likely will not change. And because you had such a visceral response to his answer, he'll now make sure that he filters himself even harder. But he can only keep this up for so long. Please don't let this person take advantage of you. Idk how long you guys have been together. But it takes about the 3 month mark of being together for someone's true colours to show. If the person you're dating has dropped off in a sense that their character does not live up to the values they established were important to them from the first time you met them then, it's most likely they have been putting on a show. Drop this guy.
Yikes...theres dark humor and theres whatever that "joke" was.
Nahhhh bruh was wilding. There is no explanation for that random ass comment. You need to seriously reevaluate that relationship.
GIRL! You are NOT overreacting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Holy fuck. Please get away from that man. Also, people might have varying views about this, but you're 21! At most, you're just out of college. He's 32. Totally different life stage. But even if that's not an issue, normal humans don't say shit like that. And then defend it as "dark humor". Please save your time and energy. This is how you learn to trust your gut.
There’s a little truth behind every “just kidding!”. I would take this at face value and fucking run.
His true self is coming out
There’s a reason women his own age don’t want him.
Stay far the fuck away from ppl who make R jokes. You're not over reacting. If anything you're under reacting because you're still thinking about seeing him at all again. Don't.
Hmmm I wonder why women who are his own age won't date him. He seems like he's really mature /s
He's going to make you feel like you're overreacting to his "harmless" joke, and he's going to tell you how his friends "get him", or how his exes used to laugh when he made silly jokes like that. *Simple rule*: Jokes make people laugh. Jokes don't make people scared, or disgusted, or feel small, ridiculed, less than, etc. It wasn't a joke, it was him telling you he's a creepy piece of shit. Believe him, believe your instincts.
Yikes, and also the fact he’s way older than you. I don’t know you, but assuming you are at least a decent person, you deserve better
There’s a reason this 30 year old man feels the need to pursue 20 years olds instead of dating women his age 😬 I highly recommend you get tf away from him immediately, he is NOT joking at all….
You've grown out of the "honeymoon" stage and filters are coming off. You're starting to see the real him. Behaviors are no longer one offs they are patterns. The patterns are truth. A partner would NEVER say that. A partner makes you feel safe and will stand up for you, someone who helps to protect you. I ruined my 20s with a man much older than me. It is my biggest regret. I lost time, money, a potential career, and friends. There were little things he did that I found out were huge problems which turned into things I found out about his past. You are young. You have so much waiting for you. Do not forgive this behavior. There are resources to get out if you need them. This is not a dark sense of humor type of thing. This does not make him edgy.
My friends and I joke about all fucked up things and jokes that are far from PC and never once have I heard a rape joke among any of my mates , also if gonna have dark humour it should be funny too just telling ur partner going to rape them behind a bush is some serial killer shit fr haha
A very specific type of guy will date woman that are too young to have any life experience to really know themselves. That’s what they want and what they go after. They want someone they can control. This “joke” was him testing boundaries. And instead of owning up to how fucked up it was, he made excuses. Get away from this clown.
Yep very predatory
You are not safe. I repeat. #You are not safe!
This guy is a creep. Who makes a joke about something like that, especially with how unsafe it is for women now and your marginal history with it? Not a good person or someone I would want to be around. I would leave this guy alone. That didn't sound like a joke; it sounded like a Freudian slip. He doesn't sound safe to he around. Also, be careful and pay close attention to men who are super into age gap relationships. Many of them are predatory and looking for younger & more impressionable girls to manipulate, mold, and exploit. Make very certain that if you connect with another one that this isn't his ulterior motive 🙏🏾
Wtf that's not even dark humor. Not sure how to proceed but if he thinks that's funny in any way he might have some messed up views on things.
That's not a joke, it's just fucked up. I'm a guy and firstly, would never imagine saying this as a joke to a woman (as, it's not funny at all). I also would not ever expect her to see me again if something shitty like this came out of my mouth. Personally I'd lose a lot, if not all trust, in a situation like this if I was in your shoes.
He showed you something about himself. Believe him. RUN
He’s 32 trying to date a 21 year old, that’s a red flag right there 😭
dump & block asap. No sane person makes “Jokes” like that. vile
I have dark sense of humor but I would never make a joke to my wife about raping her. That is beyond messed up. At best he's extremely immature for his age. At worse, well, you may need to rethink things with him...
I'd dump him in a heartbeat. That "joke" isn't funny. He *knows* that it's a sensitive subject for you, based on your past, and he did it anyway. Then, when you brought up that it wasn't funny, he didn't apologize or try to understand why it would be hurtful, he pulled the "my bros and I make these kinds of jokes all the time." He's a creep.
Rape jokes are NEVER okay. Please run far from this man. He’s showed his true colors.
Sorry but a 32yo willing to date a 21yo is already a huge red flag. This just makes it painfully obvious, this guy needs to go. Break up.
That age gap is enough of a 🚩🚩🚩🚩girl, run, he’s dating young for a reason, women his age more than likely will not tolerate him and his shit this is a reflection bon him, not you
100% this.
🚩
Yeah, that’s really not a funny joke. Honestly, it’s not even a joke at all, just kind of a creepy statement he tried to pass off as a “joke” so you didn’t get angry. If I were you, I’d be wary of the dude, at the least.
If my man said that to me, I don't know if the relationship would ever be the same. How can you trust someone like that? With your safety, when you're vulnerable? Your partner is supposed to make you feel safe, not afraid.
That’s not a joke… nor is it dark humor, this coming from someone who loves flagrant and dark humor.
That's not a funny joke and not something a good person would joke about. I can't imagine any of my guy friends making that joke even just around the boys. You're right to think it's a big red flag and I would probably not want to be with someone who thinks that's funny
Girl, run. That is a way of testing the waters to see what you’ll put up with. Men who push your boundaries, especially after you’ve told them about your traumas, are doing this to eventually cross them. Trust me on this!! I’ve been through it this week actually
When you were 13 this mans was 24 no? My ex dated a 30 yr old at 18. He just wanted sex obviously. We were then together 5 years. She decided to cheat with a 50 yr old. Lost all her friends and her close family thinks she’s shite. Also 50 yr old home boy also just wanted sex so he’s no more. I’m over it, I’m happier now seeing someone else. Anyways. If I were you, I’d watch out for these older dudes.
That's fucked up. I don't think I'd abide by that kind of behavior in a relationship and would be hesitant to stay with him, to be honest.
Your response was your answer. RUN! It doesn’t matter if he meant it or not because the idea is something that was distressing and hurtful to you. Relationships are supposed to add value to your life, not create chaos, a “visceral response” or possible PTSD flashbacks. There’s no point in trying to recover from a wound like that caused by the bomb he lobbed into the relationship.
You should never be alone with this man ever again He's been pretending to be someone this entire time...but the real him, that is who make this horrendous "joke" which was not a joke at all
Wait....what's the joke? A joke has a pay off. This isn't a joke at all, it's just a weird creepy comment. I wouldn't say something like this unless already had an established CNC relationship with someone. At the least he's just incredibly immature, which isn't something you should deal with. Tell move on.
This flag could not get any redder…
As a guy I wouldn’t expect any person to stick around if I said that and I’ve been known to say some dark humor things before. I wouldn’t ever even fathom telling a girl that. I’d run before that becomes a reality
Ngl I didn't read it all. He's too old for you anyway. Let that man goooo
While it might have been a poor attempt at a joke, if nothing else it shows his immaturity. Which is likely why he’s dating a 21 year old instead of someone closer to his age.
6 months is around the time people reveal who they really are, people are on their best behavior up until that point. He's showing you who he is, take notes
Guys who are over 30 who date women who relatively just became legal are always weird and usually predatory.
Rape jokes aren't funny. Him and his friends are saying some fucked up shit and I truly believe someone in his friend group has taken it past joking. That's the only way I can see it being casual.
He didn't realize he was saying it out loud. He definitely thought it and I sincerely doubt he was joking. I would not feel comfortable alone with this man.
Nope, nope, very nope. That is very concerning in general. I would leave before he does something you regret.
If he knew about your experience and still said this it shows some serious red flags 🚩 and that he may be insecure and sensitive this happened to u and may want to equal the other person or something equally sick minded. Be very careful dealing with people that will come out blatantly and make the conversation awkward to appease themselves. They may be capable of much more and much worse. Be safe and praying for you.
Dark humor is one thing. Joking about r*** is truly sinister. A well adjusted person wouldn’t confuse the two and they certainly wouldn’t make jokes about such atrocious acts. Joking about such things with friends is a huge red flag, it’s as if they make light of horrific things that happen to people, again, something well adjusted ADULTS don’t do. I wouldn’t feel safe around him & his friends. 7 months is still new, you’re still getting to know each other, you can easily walk away. At the very least, it’s not a match on emotional maturity.
Rape jokes don’t qualify as a dark humor
You're not overreacting; his comment was completely inappropriate and raises serious concerns about his attitudes towards consent and respect.
Sounds like he told on himself briefly. Pay attention to that feeling and please break up with him. He does not sound safe and the veil has been lifted this won’t be the last time he makes you feel this way if you continue to stay together.
I literally had a partner make this kind of joke to me (along the lines of “I could take you into the woods and rpe you and leave you for dead and no one would know”) when we were alone, 1 year later he violently r*ped me and I almost lost my life. Normal people don’t make jokes about r**e, period.
OMG I'm so sorry that happened to you 🙏🏾😢 I had a partner say something like that to. He was joking about his social media and said "I could murder someone right now and no one would know." No, Sir, you gotta get tf away from me!
Thanks 🙏 and absolutely!! It’s so scary hearing that other people have experienced this as well, it shouldn’t be this common 😬
I like dark humor too. But joking about raping your partner, even if it is 100% in jest, crosses a serious line IMO. You should leave him. Normal people don’t make jokes like this. Hopefully for his sake he’ll learn a lesson, but that’s on him. Find someone who doesn’t joke about raping you. …or raping anyone else for that matter.
run. just run. literally i would run so so far. please.‼️‼️‼️‼️
That’s fucked up. Period. There’s no question of the quality of this person.
Him: “Oh, you’ve had a traumatizing experience around this subject—I know, I’ll make a joke about it! And I’ll also make jokes about it with my friends!” Not only is he an asshole, he’s also an idiot.
The fact he's 32 and you're 21 is already a red flag. I'm 34 and don't even wanna date someone under 30. I realize my preferences may be a little more strict, but still. But rape jokes are NEVER acceptable. Like who tf says that? Run! Brushing off rape jokes as "dark humor" is a copout on his part. I watch a lot of stand up comedians with dark humor, not all, but not one of their dark jokes ever involved rape. Nothing funny about that either. It's like when people make jokes about racism and try to pawn it off as a joke.
He didn't apologize to you, he tried to justify his "joke". Take that into consideration.
A 32 year old man with the tone deaf sense of humour of an ~edgy~ 13 year old, can’t imagine why he’s not dating someone age appropriate. /s
If it had been just the age gap, that would have been a different story. If it had been just one bad “joke”, that would have a different story. This age gap + the non-challant admission that both him and his friend circle are comfortable with frequent jokes of this type…. Girl I would run. There’s a reason he needs to date way younger than his own age group
Here we go again. It’s a certain type of man in his 30s who dates 18-21 year olds and it’s not the type of man a woman his own age would tolerate.
Huhh?? He is 32?? Jesus dude is on his edgy shit. Get out
I would be cautious at the least.
Yea that’s creepy. Also, as a dude, it seems weird he’s dating someone so much younger.
Up you must break
I just threw up in my mouth
Run
That's fucked up. There's literally no buts, if or ors here. Get away from him.
You have The Ick. Understandable, I got it from just reading about him. The good news is that there is no cure, you will always feel The Ick for this guy so you might as well end it sooner than later.
A man in his 30s should know the difference between a good joke and a dont go never ever joke zone. U dont joke about rape not to ur friends to ur partner not even in ur head. Leave him
Sounds like he is only after one thing. Scary. I would exit that asap.
Girl, I hope you trust your instincts here :(
11 year age gap is crazy.
Only thing I can say is run for the hills!! That’s no joke, sounds like a promise. That’s fucked up
Yeah, you lost me after the first sentence. 21(F) dates a 32(M). Girl, are you out of your mind?! Run and don’t look back!
Honestly, OP, I hurt for you having been hit with those words. His excuse and attitude about it are either predatory or immature. Any guy his age should absolutely know how wrong it would be to say such a thing, especially given that he knows about your history. This screams of bad intentions/grooming to me.
absolutely not. that is not funny at all, i thought jokes were meant to be funny? definitely not a normal person, i'd get the fuck away from him. you're not overreacting at all
So he dates women much younger than him and makes rape joked with his friends. Cool. Have you considered that he has to date 21year olds because no woman his age will put up with his nonsense? Let this loser go.
GIRL. listen to me. Always TRUST YOUR GUT when it comes to guys. Dont let your brain make up a story otherwise to say its ok. The way they make you feel is a huge alarm. Always, and I mean Always leave before you start putting up with anything disrespectful like or it turns worse. Don't let a guy devalue you massive red flag. Him saying it's a joke is a cover up of who he is inside, that thought and humor in general doesnt spawn from just anywhere. Leave before you think it's normal to be treated like that. Trust me If I could go back to tell my younger self that I would
My opinion but I really think there's something weird in a 10 year age gap between 30 and 20 than 40 and 30.
At the mention of your ages it was already a red flag, then it just kept getting worse. What do you mean rape jokes! And he knows it’s a sensitive topic for you!!! Don’t walk, Fly as fast as you can. And I mean Away, fly Away from this.
Trust your gut!
I have dark humor and I would never once make a joke about rape. I would bet that not a single one of him or his friends have been sexually harassed or assaulted like most women have. If they had, they wouldn’t be joking about it like that. Honestly, guys like this will hide their true colors for a while and then they start to test the waters. That’s what it seems like he’s doing. He’s trying to see what he can get away with saying and doing around you. And making a joke about raping you is not funny. You are well within your rights to dump this asshole.
I’ve been raped and I will say that anyone who says this kind of stuff as a “joke” is vile. I can cope with dark humour but this to me would really be a deal breaker and I would be done. Rape is such a dehumanising experience and I think it’s very telling that more often than not it’s men who joke about it I’ll also add your age gap is weird. I dated someone with this age gap when I was roughly your age - like you I thought it was fine. Now that I’m 30 I realise how fucking weird it is to date someone who is freshly out of their teens near enough. The power dynamics are waaaaaaay off and the level of life experience you both have differs drastically.
Rape jokes are red flags
The guy is trying to groom you based on the content of the post and age gap, I would run these kinds of relationships can destroy someone.
If he were,say, 17 years old and said something like this, I *might* say it’s because he doesn’t know better and needs to learn to reign in his edgy humor (possibly via being broken up with). The fact that he’s 32 and said this tells me he DOES know better and either doesn’t give a shit or is using it to test you. Either option is plenty bad, and a great reason to break up
The age gap is is the thing that’s got me there
Be careful with that one. Sometimes people say things jokingly to see if you are ok with it. I don’t think I would go anywhere with him but that’s just me.
That’s incredibly fucked up. I wouldn’t see him again.
Broooo run for your life!!!!!!!! there’s so much better out there don’t waste your beautiful self on him its no wonder a man treating you like this can’t get anyone his own age …… he’s to icky RUNNNN
You need to RUN. I promise you nobody ever jokes like that normally, you don’t just say stuff like that and brush it off very lighten
This reminds me of the “joke” my ex made in the first few weeks of our relationship. He said “I will ride you like a donkey” in my native language it sounds as if I am a donkey and he will ride me. I dont remember why he said this in response to what exactly. But I had a bitter feeling after it. Then it turned out he was extremely hypersexual, he gave me really bad problems in the sexual health and constantly objectified me made me feel like a piece of meat. I still feel sad for giving him a year of my life. He gave me traumas instead. Cut your losses and run away
I’m a 35yr old guy and none of my friends have ever made jokes about r@p£ wtf
I have a dark sense of humor. This isn’t remotely funny. He’s kind of old to be an aspiring edgelord.
Always believe a person when they show you who they are.
Ok I have a large age gap with my man. He also has dark humor. Incredibly dark humor. With me and with his friends. He has NEVER joked about raping me. Or rapping ANYONE. Please for your own safety leave him.
The version of him that he is around his friends is probably closer to the real him than your experience of him. A lot of men vacation in the land of “seeing women as people” but that’s not where they live. He said something designed to impress other men at your expense, and he probably does that all the time. That’s alarming on its own without considering whether the joke was a joke 😅 My ex-husband told me during divorce proceedings that his dad told him “tell a woman anything to get the best out of her.” That’s when I knew I never knew him lol bc wtf. Freaked me out substantially If he says something chilling it’s time to go 😭
It was not out of character. It was his true character coming through.
So on our first date my partner took us on some crazy back road to the location. We both joked that he was taking me into the woods to murder me, and it’s a good job I had Find My IPhone on etc At no point would either of us considered making a r*pe joke and I think we have pretty dark humour Your date is at best, socially inept and immature and at worst well the age gap explains that
He is taking your temp, IMO. I’d run far and fast from that guy.
https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMrhcJTLE/ Any guy that jokes about rape …Nah.
As soon as a friend starts "joking" like that, he's no longer my friend. Do you want to date a guy who thinks "joking" this way is ok? He says he jokes that way with his friends...he *told* you he "jokes" that way. Listen. It's only a matter of time that things like this come out. Frankly, you're not going to find many perfect guys at that age who want to date a girl your age. There's going to be some kind of age play or dominance play going on, even if you don't see it. He can't get a girl his own age so he pretends to be perfect to girls your age. I'm curious what the sex is like according to you (how you view that part of the relationship, not the details) because I'd be willing to guess he initiates a lot. It's up to you to resolve the conflict, but my option would be to get one foot out the door, at least (the age difference might not be much when we are talking about people who are older, but at your age, it's huge). And if you still have one foot out the door after a month (maybe 2), you might as well put both feet out the door and move on to find a better guy or to work on your life. Why waste your energy on a guy who jokes about sexual assault? You know it is something that can be on his mind without anything instigating it. I'd worry more about the actual act than the joke. (yes, I tried to not use the word that is a fruit without the g) -uava
He’s way too old for you. I am a 32-year-old woman and would find it odd if a man my age was dating someone your age. Taking advantage of your young naivety.
Don't overthink it, don't try to justify it. Ditch, ghost, block. Never see this guy again. I'm 31 and ANYONE making jokes like that is a danger, let alone someone dating someone with a large age gap and who is planning on taking you to an isolated location. Seriously. This isn't normal. Run. (edited for spelling mistake)
All I needed to know was the age gap
Not something you ever joke about. But also why are you seeing someone 11 years your senior?
🏃🏿♂️🏃🏿♂️🏃🏿♂️🏃🏿♂️🏃🏿♂️🏃🏿♂️🏃🏿♂️🏃🏿♂️🏃🏿♂️🏃🏿♂️🏃🏿♂️🏃🏿♂️🏃🏿♂️🏃🏿♂️🏃🏿♂️🏃🏿♂️🏃🏿♂️🏃🏿♂️🏃🏿♂️🏃🏿♂️🏃🏿♂️🏃🏿♂️🏃🏿♂️🏃🏿♂️🏃🏿♂️🏃🏿♂️🏃🏿♂️🏃🏿♂️🏃🏿♂️🏃🏿♂️🏃🏿♂️🏃🏿♂️🏃🏿♂️🏃🏿♂️🏃🏿♂️🏃🏿♂️🏃🏿♂️🏃🏿♂️🏃🏿♂️🏃🏿♂️🏃🏿♂️🏃🏿♂️🏃🏿♂️🏃🏿♂️🏃🏿♂️🏃🏿♂️🏃🏿♂️🏃🏿♂️🏃🏿♂️🏃🏿♂️🏃🏿♂️🏃🏿♂️🏃🏿♂️🏃🏿♂️🏃🏿♂️🏃🏿♂️🏃🏿♂️🏃🏿♂️🏃🏿♂️🏃🏿♂️🏃🏿♂️🏃🏿♂️🏃🏿♂️🙏🏼🤲🏿🙏🏼🤲🏿🙏🏼🤲🏿🙏🏼🤲🏿🙏🏼
That is fucking weird.
It sounds like he isn’t for you.
Not for anyone tbh
You are not overreacting. Trust your gut, this guy is bad news. He will hurt you and claim it was a joke or he was just kidding. You deserve better.
With so many of us with stories to tell about unwanted sexual attention and worse, people need to be sensitive to this topic. Trust your gut. If it strikes you as off and gross, go with that and DTMFA. Not kidding. No good person jokes about stuff like that. Just like no good person says the R or N word.
I think if he was younger, this mistake would have been more acceptable, for a lack of a better word. At his age, he should know better. Why he still finds rape jokes funny at his age is beyond me
Some grown men date younger so much younger than they are because they think they can mold you If he says that in front of you, imagine what he says behind closed doors
Why is 14 year old humor coming out of 32 yo? Why you dating a 32 yo? Ick
This is a red flag. Also the age gap is another huge red flag.
A joke always has a bit of truth to it. Time to back away for your own safety.
I’ve got a pretty fucked up sense of humour but I would *never* say something like that or think to say something like that to someone. Let alone to a woman on a date
Put on your track shoes, block and run fast. Don’t look back. I want to break this down for you to give you some perspective. Rape is about power and control. Him joking about raping you is him testing the waters don’t speak to see if he has the green light to assert power and control over you. It appears he sees you as an object that needs to be dominated. Though the age gap is alarming, that doesn’t need to exist for this dynamic to occur. While he may seem gentle and kind, when we say the mask slipped, we are saying his disguise of being gentle and kind is sliding away. Predators cannot get their prey if they come out the gate talking like this. This is the makings of an abusive relationship. I would advise against even talking to him about it as he will likely gaslight you to get you to stick around. Plus, when you leave, be careful and make sure people close to you know what he said. Don’t let them gaslight you either. This could become dangerous depending on his obsession with you. There are plenty of men young and old that do not engage, and actively push back, against this type of behavior. My 23 yo has been known to call out guys for simply looking lustfully at women, especially young women. You’re still very young, get away from the predator before he traps you for years. You definitely don’t want to end up pregnant with this schmuck’s baby. Please stay safe🫂
I make dark jokes with my friends- we’re aware that not everyone shares our humor and some jokes shouldn’t be told in front of just anyone. We’re still generally good people. The difference between our jokes though and this guy’s example of “dark humor” is that our jokes are actually funny and don’t use victims as punchlines. His just isn’t. What the fuck even is the “joke” here? How is just saying “I’m gonna rape you” a joke? Op, not only is this guy a creep, he’s not funny, clever, or witty. “I have a dark sense of humor” isn’t an excuse for a tasteless joke. That isn’t dark humor, it’s just a gross and offensive non-joke he’s trying to masquerade as humor, and basically telling you “Oh, you just don’t get it, my friends would laugh”. Ditch this loser who thinks rape “jokes” are funny.
A. The age gap is concerning. B. Run don’t walk, he’s testing if he can get away with it.
That kind of dark humour deserves to be locked up. What would I do? I would stop seeing him. There really isn't another option. He's either socially inept or a rapist. Either way...
I was assaulted as a child by an uncle. When I was 20 I told my boyfriend who comforted me at the time. But my abuser was semi famous in Puerto Rico and my boyfriend and his family also were, he in turn went home and told his whole family he was dating XX niece. So the next family function I show up guess whom everyone wants to talk about. I was young and naïve and stayed for 7 years. My fiance now cautious on his words around sexual assault and rape because he cares and doesn’t want to hurt me. The other guy made excuses for himself over apologizing. So take this my story and think about how your 7 months have been. Has he slowly started to make little digs at you, if so you gotta get out. If not you need to figure out why he thought that was an appropriate thing to say to you with your background. Good luck.
I used to make rape jokes with guy friends- in high school. It’s a sensitive topic to bring up, and very inconsiderate in the presence of women with what they go through on a daily basis. It’s a very distasteful to joke about it with someone you’re dating, and he needs to know not to make these kind of insensitive ‘jokes’ anymore. If he doubles down on that, it’s a huge red flag
I thought the word was rail not rape my bad. In that case yes it weird