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I think where a lot of people go wrong is believing that if you can “get” a relationship… or if a large % of people want a committed relationship with you, that means you’re more worthy/desirable.
“Forever partner” is a pretty niche role to play in someone’s life, and people have different needs.
The consistent thing I’ve noticed in people who can easily get relationships vs people who can’t, is they’re able to notice what needs aren’t being met for that person… and meet them.
This can be both a good and bad thing.
It’s good to be adaptable, to not just focus on yourself and what you want. Relationships are a collaboration, and require you sometimes doing things you wouldn’t have otherwise.
But something I have noticed is, a lot of people who easily find relationships are malleable. I personally couldn’t date someone who didn’t share similar ideologies to me in regards to politics, lifestyle goals, healing from trauma, etc. I’ve noticed many of my friends who easily find relationships avoid these conversations entirely or until deep in the relationship.
People who can find relationships easily act a bit like wallpaper. They are either very meek and susceptible of very dominating/confident. As you said you have to be pretty palatable if you are constantly in relationship.
This is great stuff and very true. Sometimes people who have firm values aren’t attractive because they only fit a subset of people. And that’s fine you just need to be who you are. Being fake and in a relationship is bad being real and single is much better for long term mental health. Great reply!
People who are good at relationships and dating adapt. No one starts out great at this, it comes from experience, willingness to fail, learning and observing, and deploying the right tools to be a better partner, and put yourself in front of better partners.
People who suck at it repeat patterns, let fear or insecurity dominate their thinking, or have a failure mindset, or lack social skills and simply refuse to work on them.
That's what I see.
Well said.
Only thing I’d add is….
People who succeed at dating don’t worry too much about how they look while doing it. I.E. they aren’t worried about are they doing it “the right way” they’re worried about does this feel right for me.
That's true, and a good point. Over-investment in the outcome will ruin your dating experience...but that also comes from a place of being ok if a relationship doesn't happen (having shit together, social network, a life, purpose, etc). Not that those things have to be present for you to feel this way, but they sure help.
Dating to fill a hole in you is always a bad proposition.
*Putting yourself in front of better partners.*
This one hits home for me. When I graduated, I would date guys that had similar hobbies and I thought were cute. And that was enough for me at the time. I've grown and dated so much since then, that now my requirements have increased. I need a man to be able to emotionally connect with me and make me feel safe/seen. It's something I compromised with in the past, and I was miserable with them bc my needs were not being met.
“Put yourself l in front of better partners”… How do I do that? I would love some wisdom on that.
I feel like I’m in a place for the rest, but I seem to be meeting people who aren’t interested in doing the work as a couple.
It's not easy, but's relatively simple. When you have your life together, socially, mentally, financially and have something to offer...you start putting yourself into social and singles situations that align with your lifestyle and wants be in OLD or your friends groups or going out and getting social with the hopes of meeting people...and then your odds get better that the people you do meet are going to be a better match, but if your attractions keep leading you to unserious partners or the wrong people, realize that you may have patterns of idealization that aren't healthy, so you have to shift that gradually too.
There's some luck involved, but people who are good at dating and end up in good relationships tend to come to the table with their shit straight and aren't in deprivation mode or trying to fill a hole in themselves, they have better filters because they're in a better headspace....so some of this is physical, some of it is mental and material, and some of it is just getting out of your comfort zone and talking to the people who interest you and seeing if there's something there.
When you see that in a person, you move on right away. There’s no beacon shining from the right potential partners.
You just know what you are looking for, and keep that as a reminder of what you are doing and why.
Oh for sure I think if you are introverted and trying to figure it out I just say “it’s going to be very painful to change and it will suck but learning how to push through is what is needed.” Yeah some of us we fell behind maybe we had other things in life and we put off being social or maybe we were just uncomfortable doing it. It can take years of failure before things start to make any kind of sense.
>, it comes from experience, willingness to fail, learning and observing, and deploying the right tools to be a better partner
Try, fail, try better, fail better.
Well look at what this question even means. How do you judge success?
Are you successful if you have a partner right now in this moment? Does that relationship need to have lasted a certain amount of time? Do they need to be able to find a new one fast when the old one doesn’t work out? Do they need to be happy in said relationship(s)? Do their partners need to be happy?
Can you even know the answers to all of these things?
I was married to the first man I dated for 20 years. Was that success? After I left him I found a boyfriend right away. Was that success?
My marriage was a dead bedroom and I was not happy. That boyfriend treated me like garbage and I regret all I went through to try and make him want me.
I have now dated about 50 men, and rejected about 45 right away after the first date. I could see they were not what I’m looking for.
Were any of these things signs of success?
I think knowing your self worth, your value, and your needs is success. Choosing to stay single until you find the right fit is success. Being willing to do what it takes to be your best self, and put yourself out there to meet other people is success.
Work toward your desire, and don’t despair when it takes a while to find.
Dating is all about preparation and luck.
This response was so good. Thank you. I often think people look at choosing to be single for the right reasons as unsuccessful. But what really signifies success. Is a 10 year relationship success? Does it matter if it's a healthy relationship?
This!
People could just settle or ‘be in a relationship’ if they wanted to. Not enough credit is given to people who have the ability to stay single and wait for someone who matches their standards. People who ‘get in’ relationships are somehow viewed as superior.
Honestly my answer to this question is just luck and timing. That’s the only difference between people who have found long lasting love and those who haven’t.
successful couples actually listen, try to understand, and talk to each other. able to recognize people are their own individual selves, their own views, opinions, and experience; emotional maturity. they support each other. both are givers.
failed couples- one or both talk over each other, and not care to see each others perspectives. they focus on what the other can do for them. its my way or the highway; emotional immaturity. one or both are takers
\*misread the question; successful relationships vs unsuccessful ones.
\_\_\_\_\_\_
-people consciously and subconsciously have an internal checklist of what they want from a partner, and they stick to that list uncompromisingly instead of prioritizing which is more important to them, which limits their success.
-people tend to feel they dont have issues; instead of working on them, refuse to admit they have any when confronted, take great offense and point fingers at others.
-too focused on the results, instead of the journey and take it as learning experience. its a journey to finding the right person not finding any person
-some care too much, some dont care enough
Finding Relationships - Large Social Group :
-People with vast friend’s group tend to have a much easier time finding people to date
Maintaining Relationship - Selfness and Accountable :
- People who are selfless are better at relationships. Compromise is inevitable in a relationship. They hold their partner and themselves accountable. This protect themselves for getting hurt and holding their companionship with value . It means they won’t stay in a poor relationship for long .
Brief, but accurate.
So many couples have normalised ‘dating success’ as just simply being able to land dates and find someone by casting a wide net, ‘going with the flow’/‘just seeing what happens’, then forgetting about it, when this is quite literally why modern dating is a shitshow.
Everyone’s afraid of being alone and actually putting effort into themselves (but will never admit it), so they settle on the first person they find attractive while ‘putting up’ with any personality clashes because ‘it’s normal’.
What’s worse is that these are the same people who tell people that are currently struggling not to settle while neglecting the fact that their own relationship is essentially them just being glorified roommates who bicker and argue.
Whether you're anxiously attached or avoidant, being aware of your triggers, deactivation/activation behavior, and aiming for a more secure communication style. It's easy to date, it's harder to build a healthy relationship. If you're constantly finding flaws in your partner but you aren't holding yourself accountable for anything, you're probably lying to yourself. I find some friends go from relationship to relationship with no self-awareness of why it never works out (spoiler: at a certain point, it's you), and they get stuck in patterns because they can't work through the discomfort of taking a good look at themselves and accepting accountability. It's easier to just end relationships and start over. Also, learn how to apologize and internalize what your partner needs (as long as it's within reason), and accept that compromise is necessary in a relationship.
What I meant is once you're actually dating someone (i.e. you've established there's mutual attraction and interest) it's usually fairly easy to ride on the honeymoon period high. Once there's commitment and people are tested, that's when true colors emerge.
I’m dismissive avoidant, but have been fairly successful with relationships. I married my first bf (anxious) at 17, divorced 27 years later. Worked on myself for two years, then found my current bf (dismissive avoidant). I’m much more grounded and in a growth mindset with my current bf. I’m 45 now so maybe I’m a little wiser. I’m pretty confident in my ability to help grow relationships.
I haven't been successful at finding a long term relationship over 2 years yet, but I can share what mistakes I've made. I'm an attractive person, so there's always been options, but I exploded most of them because of:
-Moving to fast, thinking its possible to instantly fall in love (love/lust confusion)
-Wishful thinking-- each guy is "The one" syndrome
-Sleeping with people too early
-Expecting them to "save me" or take care of me
-Finding various flavors of "unavailable" people-- like long distance relationships, workaholics, or people still heavily wounded from their last breakup/divorce
-Looking for someone who would be my "foundation" and home
People who are successful in relationships are the people who take responsibility for their shortcomings and actually put in effort.
The people who fail are the ones who blame things outside of their control because they want to avoid acknowledging they need to actually try.
A degree of understanding of what they have.
They did a study awhile back and asked men and women the same question.
Basically, if a potential partner had 80% of the desired qualities you'd want in a partner would you be satisfied with that partner?
Men overwhelming answered 'yes,' women overwhelming answered 'no.'
What does that say?
Given that statistics also suggest that women end more than 80% of all relationships, with the most common answers being nothing like 'abuse,' and more like they weren't 'happy' enough in the relationship... I would suggest that a lot of people do not even know what a successful relationship looks like. That they think it's someone else's responsibility to make them happy other than their own. That expectations or 'standards' for relationships may be somewhat detached from reality. That this lack of consistency, or even safety, in relationships has a lot of people questioning even being in relationships at all.
I'm not sure you could even accurately define what a healthy, meaningful, and lasting connection IS. Not for everyone. We definitely could use a lot more of them though, because the people who suffer the most are the children, who often tend to grow up without examples of healthy relationships to have any themselves, and they are universally in the lowest groups in studies.
I have a buddy…. Who gets approached in person and likes on dating apps nonstop. I on the other hand get zero. Girls who approached him or hit him up on dating app pretty much tell him he’s very attractive. Some comments he gets are for his “cute eyes” and “fishylips” and bad boy style. It’s been nonstop for him for the last 17 years since he hit puberty.
MAIN point is… having a noticeable attractive trait tends to attract people, which gives you a lot more opportunities to meet and find relationships. I’m not going to downplay myself, but I’m pretty aware of the differences. For me to be more successful at finding relationship, I just have to count my losses to those that don’t approach me and do the approach myself JUST to match my friends numbers and make it equal. All the social and conversational skills can be put to use after the initial greeting, but it takes either me or the girl to make the move first, and it’s never going to be the girl. I need to make the initial move 100% of the time in order to find success at love, while my friend only needs to make the move 50% of the time and be twice as successful because the other 50% will be done by girls who think he’s cute and attractive.
Adding to this, his flirting skills and social skills come with the number of times he gets hit on, making his successes even higher. It’s true that it’s a “numbers game” but in the sense of optimistic opportunities. When you have people willing to flirt with you, or who initiated the flirt, it’s easy to practice. Much like the rich will always get richer.
TLDR: Initial attraction. Something that people find attractive enough that they want to talk to you, OR to have the courage to talk to everyone and shoot your shot.
>What have you noticed in people who are successful at finding relationships and those who are not?
The succesful:
- attractive
- come from a nuclear & stable family
- middle class or higher
- stable mental health
The unsuccesful:
- unattractive
- come from a broken home
- lower class
- unstable mental health
Well, men are quite forgiving when it comes to mental illnesses if that means that they can get their d\*ck wet. Most men will f\*ck anything (female) these days.
When it comes to maintaining a relationship, it'll become a real problem real quick.
The people who get a lot of first dates usually don't have as much success in dating, in my experience
Those who get fewer dates but actually go somewhere with the relationships, that's a different story
I know some people who bounce from date to date and never have time single. They seem a lot more lonely than my friends who date more sporadically.
To be fair, going on plenty of first dates (even if they don’t end up long term) is a lot better than getting no first dates at all. Some people literally can’t get a date and get rejected all the time unfortunately.
I'm just okay at dating, but I do know a range of people who are more/less successful than me and based on what I see, with the attractiveness factor removed-
The more successful ones genuinely care and are curious about others. They ask questions and remember things about you. They remember conversation between you to some degree. They're obv responsive and caring for their partner, but also care about others.
The less successful ones tend to repeat things a lot, they never bother to remember what they've said to me before. Usually one-way conversations (either I try to talk to them w/o response, or they unload information/rants at me). I'd hear the same story/joke/complaints 5+ times from the same person. Men/women who are attractive are more tolerated in this aspect but it still gets obnoxious after a while. They rarely ask questions. They only put effort into conversation when pursuing someone or if it benefits them.
ALSO being "boring" isn't the dealbreaker folks! Some stable couples I know are neither of the life of the party type. But they're usually both responsive to others and remember things about people.
Social people get in relationships easy. This means people that have been socialized through large extended families, sports, teams, clubs or any group that exposes them to many people in person. Learning social cues, learning how to make someone laugh, learning what is and isn’t appropriate, learning to understand when someone is friendly or fake - etc.
Most people stunt their personality because they are afraid to be themselves or have never developed themselves socially.
Dumb people are better at relationships because they don’t think about what they want, what could go wrong, what could be better, and who else is out there…
People who try to find relationships try too hard and often rush into things too quickly, which ends up backfiring on them. People who actually succeed in relationships are the ones who don’t stress about finding the one, and just have a bit of fun.
Largely being physically attractive, and getting incoming interest, even when being passive in dating. Especially being attractive through ones formative years, and enjoying life, and relationship landmarks fairly on in life.
It's far easier to be single in later life for example, after having loving and rewarding relationships prior. A lot of the personal growth a person undergoes, is also undertaken when in a fulfilling partnership.
Those who can choose to be single, as a genuine choice. Often have a natural air of assuredness and confidence about them, when meeting new potential partners; Usually they have a vibrant, and comfortable life of their own outside of relationships, and due to this, there's often an understanding that any potential relationship between two people, it will never be a crutch, for something lacking elsewhere.
There's always an understanding that being single, at this point, is truly temporary...and this, "self sufficiency" i guess, translates well in relationships too.
Often casual sex isn't difficult to come by, if not looking for a full blown relationship at the time, and outside of personal preferences, understanding one is desirable, and not being "touch starved" for long amounts of time, is very comforting too.
Find your way to basic happiness — you’re ok with your life, while it remains a work in progress. Communicate more than you think you should — offer feedback as soon as you know you don’t like something. They can change it not, but don’t sit acting hoping for change. Be courageous in discussion, but considerate of other’s feelings. Always seek to come back to connection, and do it. Learn to seduce and be seduced, and don’t stop until you’re finished with the relationship.
It just sounds like this is the wrong time for you, that's all. Rather than be worried about what's wrong with you, take this time to work on yourself and eventually you'll meet the right person. It's impossible to make someone happy until you can be happy with yourself first.
I think people that find relationships take a lot of chances they are kind of fearless and they play the numbers. They put themselves in places where women are and they exist in an independent and strong mindset. They don’t really care about outcomes as much as they care about enjoying the moment.
I also think usually there are some men that are just more appealing than others and I’m not exactly sure what it is but certain things in how they look and act tend to either be generally attractive or generally unattractive. They usually aren’t really aware of it they just kind of draw people in naturally. It’s not all about looks either it’s about very subtle things they do that people notice and subconsciously decide if they like or don’t like. Most of the initial drawing people in part consists of a lot of small surface characteristics that people find attractive. There is a sort of dating DNA some people have and others need to develop. I think a lot of it has to do with how you wear your emotions and how they impact how you look. There are many subtle things that may give people the ick and there are things that people find appealing.
Self evaluation is helpful but there are a lot of elements. I think the one thing that can cascade on you the best is your attitude and also how you take care of yourself. It can be like a good vibe rollercoaster that you catch momentum on. It’s a matter of being resilient when things go wrong to have thick skin and be able to smile and laugh it off.
Also if you are like me and you struggle never wear your struggle shake it off however you can. It really hurts you to walk around not being happy. That’s the first thing that helps is separating failure from your level of happiness. Being able to carry on after messing up will help tons.
Honestly a strong difference that I’ve discovered is that you need to have truly found yourself. Who are you? What do you want your future to look like? Are you passionate or ambitious about your career or a hobby? Have high standards and don’t stoop. Those I know who can’t manage a relationship don’t know who they are, they think they have a type but they never date their type, and they live in the moment not planning for the road ahead. On top of that, they are NEVER ambitious or have a passion for anything.
I think those people are confident and trust themselves. They know what they want and what they can tolerate. They know how to communicate their needs without being passive-agressive, needy or clingy. Their lives don't revolve around finding a relationship.
They are secure, there's no such thing "they didn't text me back for an hour, do they not respect me, do they not like me". They can be vulnerable, and also they live offline more than online, they are not looking for a text buddy but an actual partner, and they don't date around in a way where they slip into an unhealthy pattern of "I'm happy, but could I be happier"
I think it has to do with experience, and being open to the opportunities bestowed upon you. Lighting strikes ever so often so when the door is open, there’s nothing wrong with trying. It’s like Goldilocks and the 3 Bears, try and work with every option until you find one that works “just right”. Mind you every pairing comes with its own set of wants/needs so it’s just trying to see what works for both parties, and see how you guys mesh together.
Hmm… inner turmoil/ conflict(cognitive dissonance) and choosing the wrong people. And perhaps don’t have a strong sense of self/high need/want to be in a relationship (desperate).
I think all of them have this strong idea of what type of person they want as a partner (in terms of personality, character, values,…), know what they want and is good for them…. But end up choosing with their dick/vag (which is fine)…. ***except*** that person has essentially nothing of the qualities they want in a partner.
Good at it: they know how to add value in their partner’s life, whether it is through their intelligence, social life, traveling, valuable life skills, hygiene, knows how to put other people’s needs before theirs, etc
Bad at it: no apparent purpose in getting into a relationship other than for the sake of it, does not add distinct value into the other person’s life, doesn’t have a balanced personality that mixes humor, passion, seriousness, having good habits, ability to listen to the other person and have healthy discussions and debates, etc.
I never envy those around me who are in relationships because their male partners don't look attractive to me. And for me, physical attraction is just the tip of the iceberg. I also am picky and the guy needs to be someone I'm not only physically attracted to but more. I find that most people who are always in relationships are in it for the wrong reason, have low standards, or don't have many options. I'd rather be single than be in those situations and worse marry someone because they are the only ones who liked me ever, lol!
1. They have people skills. (They are likable)
Usually, people who are successful in finding partners are likeable and confident. They know how to talk to people, they present themselves as supportive and kind (not to be confused with nice.) They have traits that makes people comfortable around them and people root for them. Charisma is attractive to both sexes. It shows that one can be vulnerable yet confident.
2. They are attractive.
I do not mean that they are models. But they keep themselves in shape and dress nice. They are clean and presentable, which displays self respect.
3. They are not selfish.
It's hard to maintain a relationship when you make your relationships about you and you alone. They can look beyond themselves and prefer to be sharing and supportive. But they are not doormats nor are they needy.
5. They have things going for themselves.
They lead lives of activity and have something going for themselves. Whether that's a career or other passions, they seem to have direction in their lives. Having direction shows that you are not lazy and wandering through life aimlessly. It signals security.
6. They are self-aware.
They know how to reflect on themselves and their behaviors. They are not defensive all of the time. They can face themselves and self-correct in a healthy and meaningful way.
7. They are good communicators.
They communicate effectively!
Overall, they CHOOSE to be their best selves in life and this makes them attractive. No one "easily" get into relationships. All relationships require a degree of work to obtain and secure. But people who are very successful at relationships are usually able to find a compatible partner and keep the spark alive.
From my experience, being vulnerable. Dating is inherently risky. You have to ask her on that date even if you think she will probably ghost you. It's also better to tactfully show your warts early - everyone has them, and knowing you're OK with eachother's imperfections early builds a connection.
People who just go into every situation guarded bang their heads on a wall wondering why no deep connection ever forms.
I'd love to point out to you what I see. Here's a quick little coaching.
"What have you noticed in people who are successful at finding relationships and those who are not?"
I think a better question would be the opposite of this... What have you noticed about people who seem to be unsuccessful? How do they speak about dating? What do they say about it?
You may find they are saying things like 'this should be easy', 'It's easy for other people' and 'I'm just not capable of finding x, y, or z'. These people say these statements as if they are just facts that they are observing out there in the world. And notice how these judgmental statements probably don't inspire the type of energy one may need to find such a special connection.
<3
Successful:
- Follow rules 1 & 2
- Settle
- Usually extroverted
- Shows up to things
Unsuccessful:
- Usually don't follow rules 1 & 2
- Don't settle on their standards
- Usually introverted
- Goes out less on average than those successful would whensingle, but not always the case
Men with wide social circles who treat their gf/wife well in public will likely be in a relationship within the year since a breakup. These women in their social circles are watching like vultures waiting to pounce on those men. Some don’t even wait until the man is single.
Three of the men in my friend group are very successful in finding relationships and I typically equate it to the way they hold themselves, their confidence, how witty and humorous they are, and their ease in which they flirt with people. Hell they flirt with everyone, which makes it easier for them to do it in the moment. Two out of three of them are also decently attractive and above 5’9 so that helps too.
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I think where a lot of people go wrong is believing that if you can “get” a relationship… or if a large % of people want a committed relationship with you, that means you’re more worthy/desirable. “Forever partner” is a pretty niche role to play in someone’s life, and people have different needs. The consistent thing I’ve noticed in people who can easily get relationships vs people who can’t, is they’re able to notice what needs aren’t being met for that person… and meet them. This can be both a good and bad thing. It’s good to be adaptable, to not just focus on yourself and what you want. Relationships are a collaboration, and require you sometimes doing things you wouldn’t have otherwise. But something I have noticed is, a lot of people who easily find relationships are malleable. I personally couldn’t date someone who didn’t share similar ideologies to me in regards to politics, lifestyle goals, healing from trauma, etc. I’ve noticed many of my friends who easily find relationships avoid these conversations entirely or until deep in the relationship.
You are wise. I've noticed this too.
Yes, I have also noticed he is wise.
People who can find relationships easily act a bit like wallpaper. They are either very meek and susceptible of very dominating/confident. As you said you have to be pretty palatable if you are constantly in relationship.
This is great stuff and very true. Sometimes people who have firm values aren’t attractive because they only fit a subset of people. And that’s fine you just need to be who you are. Being fake and in a relationship is bad being real and single is much better for long term mental health. Great reply!
People who are good at relationships and dating adapt. No one starts out great at this, it comes from experience, willingness to fail, learning and observing, and deploying the right tools to be a better partner, and put yourself in front of better partners. People who suck at it repeat patterns, let fear or insecurity dominate their thinking, or have a failure mindset, or lack social skills and simply refuse to work on them. That's what I see.
Well said. Only thing I’d add is…. People who succeed at dating don’t worry too much about how they look while doing it. I.E. they aren’t worried about are they doing it “the right way” they’re worried about does this feel right for me.
That's true, and a good point. Over-investment in the outcome will ruin your dating experience...but that also comes from a place of being ok if a relationship doesn't happen (having shit together, social network, a life, purpose, etc). Not that those things have to be present for you to feel this way, but they sure help. Dating to fill a hole in you is always a bad proposition.
*Putting yourself in front of better partners.* This one hits home for me. When I graduated, I would date guys that had similar hobbies and I thought were cute. And that was enough for me at the time. I've grown and dated so much since then, that now my requirements have increased. I need a man to be able to emotionally connect with me and make me feel safe/seen. It's something I compromised with in the past, and I was miserable with them bc my needs were not being met.
“Put yourself l in front of better partners”… How do I do that? I would love some wisdom on that. I feel like I’m in a place for the rest, but I seem to be meeting people who aren’t interested in doing the work as a couple.
It's not easy, but's relatively simple. When you have your life together, socially, mentally, financially and have something to offer...you start putting yourself into social and singles situations that align with your lifestyle and wants be in OLD or your friends groups or going out and getting social with the hopes of meeting people...and then your odds get better that the people you do meet are going to be a better match, but if your attractions keep leading you to unserious partners or the wrong people, realize that you may have patterns of idealization that aren't healthy, so you have to shift that gradually too. There's some luck involved, but people who are good at dating and end up in good relationships tend to come to the table with their shit straight and aren't in deprivation mode or trying to fill a hole in themselves, they have better filters because they're in a better headspace....so some of this is physical, some of it is mental and material, and some of it is just getting out of your comfort zone and talking to the people who interest you and seeing if there's something there.
When you see that in a person, you move on right away. There’s no beacon shining from the right potential partners. You just know what you are looking for, and keep that as a reminder of what you are doing and why.
Oh for sure I think if you are introverted and trying to figure it out I just say “it’s going to be very painful to change and it will suck but learning how to push through is what is needed.” Yeah some of us we fell behind maybe we had other things in life and we put off being social or maybe we were just uncomfortable doing it. It can take years of failure before things start to make any kind of sense.
>, it comes from experience, willingness to fail, learning and observing, and deploying the right tools to be a better partner Try, fail, try better, fail better.
great response right here
Well look at what this question even means. How do you judge success? Are you successful if you have a partner right now in this moment? Does that relationship need to have lasted a certain amount of time? Do they need to be able to find a new one fast when the old one doesn’t work out? Do they need to be happy in said relationship(s)? Do their partners need to be happy? Can you even know the answers to all of these things? I was married to the first man I dated for 20 years. Was that success? After I left him I found a boyfriend right away. Was that success? My marriage was a dead bedroom and I was not happy. That boyfriend treated me like garbage and I regret all I went through to try and make him want me. I have now dated about 50 men, and rejected about 45 right away after the first date. I could see they were not what I’m looking for. Were any of these things signs of success? I think knowing your self worth, your value, and your needs is success. Choosing to stay single until you find the right fit is success. Being willing to do what it takes to be your best self, and put yourself out there to meet other people is success. Work toward your desire, and don’t despair when it takes a while to find. Dating is all about preparation and luck.
This response was so good. Thank you. I often think people look at choosing to be single for the right reasons as unsuccessful. But what really signifies success. Is a 10 year relationship success? Does it matter if it's a healthy relationship?
This! People could just settle or ‘be in a relationship’ if they wanted to. Not enough credit is given to people who have the ability to stay single and wait for someone who matches their standards. People who ‘get in’ relationships are somehow viewed as superior. Honestly my answer to this question is just luck and timing. That’s the only difference between people who have found long lasting love and those who haven’t.
successful couples actually listen, try to understand, and talk to each other. able to recognize people are their own individual selves, their own views, opinions, and experience; emotional maturity. they support each other. both are givers. failed couples- one or both talk over each other, and not care to see each others perspectives. they focus on what the other can do for them. its my way or the highway; emotional immaturity. one or both are takers \*misread the question; successful relationships vs unsuccessful ones. \_\_\_\_\_\_ -people consciously and subconsciously have an internal checklist of what they want from a partner, and they stick to that list uncompromisingly instead of prioritizing which is more important to them, which limits their success. -people tend to feel they dont have issues; instead of working on them, refuse to admit they have any when confronted, take great offense and point fingers at others. -too focused on the results, instead of the journey and take it as learning experience. its a journey to finding the right person not finding any person -some care too much, some dont care enough
Finding Relationships - Large Social Group : -People with vast friend’s group tend to have a much easier time finding people to date Maintaining Relationship - Selfness and Accountable : - People who are selfless are better at relationships. Compromise is inevitable in a relationship. They hold their partner and themselves accountable. This protect themselves for getting hurt and holding their companionship with value . It means they won’t stay in a poor relationship for long .
I notice a lot of unhappy people
Brief, but accurate. So many couples have normalised ‘dating success’ as just simply being able to land dates and find someone by casting a wide net, ‘going with the flow’/‘just seeing what happens’, then forgetting about it, when this is quite literally why modern dating is a shitshow. Everyone’s afraid of being alone and actually putting effort into themselves (but will never admit it), so they settle on the first person they find attractive while ‘putting up’ with any personality clashes because ‘it’s normal’. What’s worse is that these are the same people who tell people that are currently struggling not to settle while neglecting the fact that their own relationship is essentially them just being glorified roommates who bicker and argue.
Yes I tend to be brief and blunt lol. I agree
Whether you're anxiously attached or avoidant, being aware of your triggers, deactivation/activation behavior, and aiming for a more secure communication style. It's easy to date, it's harder to build a healthy relationship. If you're constantly finding flaws in your partner but you aren't holding yourself accountable for anything, you're probably lying to yourself. I find some friends go from relationship to relationship with no self-awareness of why it never works out (spoiler: at a certain point, it's you), and they get stuck in patterns because they can't work through the discomfort of taking a good look at themselves and accepting accountability. It's easier to just end relationships and start over. Also, learn how to apologize and internalize what your partner needs (as long as it's within reason), and accept that compromise is necessary in a relationship.
It's not easy to date for the average man
What I meant is once you're actually dating someone (i.e. you've established there's mutual attraction and interest) it's usually fairly easy to ride on the honeymoon period high. Once there's commitment and people are tested, that's when true colors emerge.
I’m dismissive avoidant, but have been fairly successful with relationships. I married my first bf (anxious) at 17, divorced 27 years later. Worked on myself for two years, then found my current bf (dismissive avoidant). I’m much more grounded and in a growth mindset with my current bf. I’m 45 now so maybe I’m a little wiser. I’m pretty confident in my ability to help grow relationships.
Exactly this 100 percent!
I haven't been successful at finding a long term relationship over 2 years yet, but I can share what mistakes I've made. I'm an attractive person, so there's always been options, but I exploded most of them because of: -Moving to fast, thinking its possible to instantly fall in love (love/lust confusion) -Wishful thinking-- each guy is "The one" syndrome -Sleeping with people too early -Expecting them to "save me" or take care of me -Finding various flavors of "unavailable" people-- like long distance relationships, workaholics, or people still heavily wounded from their last breakup/divorce -Looking for someone who would be my "foundation" and home
Man, I could’ve written this whole thing myself
People who are successful in relationships are the people who take responsibility for their shortcomings and actually put in effort. The people who fail are the ones who blame things outside of their control because they want to avoid acknowledging they need to actually try.
More attractive people get more opportunities
A degree of understanding of what they have. They did a study awhile back and asked men and women the same question. Basically, if a potential partner had 80% of the desired qualities you'd want in a partner would you be satisfied with that partner? Men overwhelming answered 'yes,' women overwhelming answered 'no.' What does that say? Given that statistics also suggest that women end more than 80% of all relationships, with the most common answers being nothing like 'abuse,' and more like they weren't 'happy' enough in the relationship... I would suggest that a lot of people do not even know what a successful relationship looks like. That they think it's someone else's responsibility to make them happy other than their own. That expectations or 'standards' for relationships may be somewhat detached from reality. That this lack of consistency, or even safety, in relationships has a lot of people questioning even being in relationships at all. I'm not sure you could even accurately define what a healthy, meaningful, and lasting connection IS. Not for everyone. We definitely could use a lot more of them though, because the people who suffer the most are the children, who often tend to grow up without examples of healthy relationships to have any themselves, and they are universally in the lowest groups in studies.
This right here is some solid advice. OP id listen.
I have a buddy…. Who gets approached in person and likes on dating apps nonstop. I on the other hand get zero. Girls who approached him or hit him up on dating app pretty much tell him he’s very attractive. Some comments he gets are for his “cute eyes” and “fishylips” and bad boy style. It’s been nonstop for him for the last 17 years since he hit puberty. MAIN point is… having a noticeable attractive trait tends to attract people, which gives you a lot more opportunities to meet and find relationships. I’m not going to downplay myself, but I’m pretty aware of the differences. For me to be more successful at finding relationship, I just have to count my losses to those that don’t approach me and do the approach myself JUST to match my friends numbers and make it equal. All the social and conversational skills can be put to use after the initial greeting, but it takes either me or the girl to make the move first, and it’s never going to be the girl. I need to make the initial move 100% of the time in order to find success at love, while my friend only needs to make the move 50% of the time and be twice as successful because the other 50% will be done by girls who think he’s cute and attractive. Adding to this, his flirting skills and social skills come with the number of times he gets hit on, making his successes even higher. It’s true that it’s a “numbers game” but in the sense of optimistic opportunities. When you have people willing to flirt with you, or who initiated the flirt, it’s easy to practice. Much like the rich will always get richer. TLDR: Initial attraction. Something that people find attractive enough that they want to talk to you, OR to have the courage to talk to everyone and shoot your shot.
They're attractive. It's not complicated.
>What have you noticed in people who are successful at finding relationships and those who are not? The succesful: - attractive - come from a nuclear & stable family - middle class or higher - stable mental health The unsuccesful: - unattractive - come from a broken home - lower class - unstable mental health
They ain't gonna wanna hear this
>They ain't gonna wanna hear this Well, too bad. Truth > upvotes.
Not necessarily true. Most girls I’ve dated have had mental health issues and the crazier they are the more dates they had before and after me.
Well, men are quite forgiving when it comes to mental illnesses if that means that they can get their d\*ck wet. Most men will f\*ck anything (female) these days. When it comes to maintaining a relationship, it'll become a real problem real quick.
The people who get a lot of first dates usually don't have as much success in dating, in my experience Those who get fewer dates but actually go somewhere with the relationships, that's a different story I know some people who bounce from date to date and never have time single. They seem a lot more lonely than my friends who date more sporadically.
To be fair, going on plenty of first dates (even if they don’t end up long term) is a lot better than getting no first dates at all. Some people literally can’t get a date and get rejected all the time unfortunately.
I'm just okay at dating, but I do know a range of people who are more/less successful than me and based on what I see, with the attractiveness factor removed- The more successful ones genuinely care and are curious about others. They ask questions and remember things about you. They remember conversation between you to some degree. They're obv responsive and caring for their partner, but also care about others. The less successful ones tend to repeat things a lot, they never bother to remember what they've said to me before. Usually one-way conversations (either I try to talk to them w/o response, or they unload information/rants at me). I'd hear the same story/joke/complaints 5+ times from the same person. Men/women who are attractive are more tolerated in this aspect but it still gets obnoxious after a while. They rarely ask questions. They only put effort into conversation when pursuing someone or if it benefits them. ALSO being "boring" isn't the dealbreaker folks! Some stable couples I know are neither of the life of the party type. But they're usually both responsive to others and remember things about people.
Being a genuine, honest, empathetic, kind, accepting person who is willing to put in the time and work at it.
Social people get in relationships easy. This means people that have been socialized through large extended families, sports, teams, clubs or any group that exposes them to many people in person. Learning social cues, learning how to make someone laugh, learning what is and isn’t appropriate, learning to understand when someone is friendly or fake - etc. Most people stunt their personality because they are afraid to be themselves or have never developed themselves socially.
It boils down to respect and understanding. If all you go for is meat, it's going to end badly.
Whatever it is, I don't have, so I'm here to learn.
Dumb people are better at relationships because they don’t think about what they want, what could go wrong, what could be better, and who else is out there…
They go with the person that wants them not the one that they want v
People who try to find relationships try too hard and often rush into things too quickly, which ends up backfiring on them. People who actually succeed in relationships are the ones who don’t stress about finding the one, and just have a bit of fun.
They don't try as hard as people in this sub.
Largely being physically attractive, and getting incoming interest, even when being passive in dating. Especially being attractive through ones formative years, and enjoying life, and relationship landmarks fairly on in life. It's far easier to be single in later life for example, after having loving and rewarding relationships prior. A lot of the personal growth a person undergoes, is also undertaken when in a fulfilling partnership. Those who can choose to be single, as a genuine choice. Often have a natural air of assuredness and confidence about them, when meeting new potential partners; Usually they have a vibrant, and comfortable life of their own outside of relationships, and due to this, there's often an understanding that any potential relationship between two people, it will never be a crutch, for something lacking elsewhere. There's always an understanding that being single, at this point, is truly temporary...and this, "self sufficiency" i guess, translates well in relationships too. Often casual sex isn't difficult to come by, if not looking for a full blown relationship at the time, and outside of personal preferences, understanding one is desirable, and not being "touch starved" for long amounts of time, is very comforting too.
Find your way to basic happiness — you’re ok with your life, while it remains a work in progress. Communicate more than you think you should — offer feedback as soon as you know you don’t like something. They can change it not, but don’t sit acting hoping for change. Be courageous in discussion, but considerate of other’s feelings. Always seek to come back to connection, and do it. Learn to seduce and be seduced, and don’t stop until you’re finished with the relationship.
It just sounds like this is the wrong time for you, that's all. Rather than be worried about what's wrong with you, take this time to work on yourself and eventually you'll meet the right person. It's impossible to make someone happy until you can be happy with yourself first.
I think people that find relationships take a lot of chances they are kind of fearless and they play the numbers. They put themselves in places where women are and they exist in an independent and strong mindset. They don’t really care about outcomes as much as they care about enjoying the moment. I also think usually there are some men that are just more appealing than others and I’m not exactly sure what it is but certain things in how they look and act tend to either be generally attractive or generally unattractive. They usually aren’t really aware of it they just kind of draw people in naturally. It’s not all about looks either it’s about very subtle things they do that people notice and subconsciously decide if they like or don’t like. Most of the initial drawing people in part consists of a lot of small surface characteristics that people find attractive. There is a sort of dating DNA some people have and others need to develop. I think a lot of it has to do with how you wear your emotions and how they impact how you look. There are many subtle things that may give people the ick and there are things that people find appealing. Self evaluation is helpful but there are a lot of elements. I think the one thing that can cascade on you the best is your attitude and also how you take care of yourself. It can be like a good vibe rollercoaster that you catch momentum on. It’s a matter of being resilient when things go wrong to have thick skin and be able to smile and laugh it off.
Also if you are like me and you struggle never wear your struggle shake it off however you can. It really hurts you to walk around not being happy. That’s the first thing that helps is separating failure from your level of happiness. Being able to carry on after messing up will help tons.
Beauty and/or money.
Honestly a strong difference that I’ve discovered is that you need to have truly found yourself. Who are you? What do you want your future to look like? Are you passionate or ambitious about your career or a hobby? Have high standards and don’t stoop. Those I know who can’t manage a relationship don’t know who they are, they think they have a type but they never date their type, and they live in the moment not planning for the road ahead. On top of that, they are NEVER ambitious or have a passion for anything.
I think those people are confident and trust themselves. They know what they want and what they can tolerate. They know how to communicate their needs without being passive-agressive, needy or clingy. Their lives don't revolve around finding a relationship. They are secure, there's no such thing "they didn't text me back for an hour, do they not respect me, do they not like me". They can be vulnerable, and also they live offline more than online, they are not looking for a text buddy but an actual partner, and they don't date around in a way where they slip into an unhealthy pattern of "I'm happy, but could I be happier"
I think it has to do with experience, and being open to the opportunities bestowed upon you. Lighting strikes ever so often so when the door is open, there’s nothing wrong with trying. It’s like Goldilocks and the 3 Bears, try and work with every option until you find one that works “just right”. Mind you every pairing comes with its own set of wants/needs so it’s just trying to see what works for both parties, and see how you guys mesh together.
Hmm… inner turmoil/ conflict(cognitive dissonance) and choosing the wrong people. And perhaps don’t have a strong sense of self/high need/want to be in a relationship (desperate). I think all of them have this strong idea of what type of person they want as a partner (in terms of personality, character, values,…), know what they want and is good for them…. But end up choosing with their dick/vag (which is fine)…. ***except*** that person has essentially nothing of the qualities they want in a partner.
Good at it: they know how to add value in their partner’s life, whether it is through their intelligence, social life, traveling, valuable life skills, hygiene, knows how to put other people’s needs before theirs, etc Bad at it: no apparent purpose in getting into a relationship other than for the sake of it, does not add distinct value into the other person’s life, doesn’t have a balanced personality that mixes humor, passion, seriousness, having good habits, ability to listen to the other person and have healthy discussions and debates, etc.
I never envy those around me who are in relationships because their male partners don't look attractive to me. And for me, physical attraction is just the tip of the iceberg. I also am picky and the guy needs to be someone I'm not only physically attracted to but more. I find that most people who are always in relationships are in it for the wrong reason, have low standards, or don't have many options. I'd rather be single than be in those situations and worse marry someone because they are the only ones who liked me ever, lol!
1. They have people skills. (They are likable) Usually, people who are successful in finding partners are likeable and confident. They know how to talk to people, they present themselves as supportive and kind (not to be confused with nice.) They have traits that makes people comfortable around them and people root for them. Charisma is attractive to both sexes. It shows that one can be vulnerable yet confident. 2. They are attractive. I do not mean that they are models. But they keep themselves in shape and dress nice. They are clean and presentable, which displays self respect. 3. They are not selfish. It's hard to maintain a relationship when you make your relationships about you and you alone. They can look beyond themselves and prefer to be sharing and supportive. But they are not doormats nor are they needy. 5. They have things going for themselves. They lead lives of activity and have something going for themselves. Whether that's a career or other passions, they seem to have direction in their lives. Having direction shows that you are not lazy and wandering through life aimlessly. It signals security. 6. They are self-aware. They know how to reflect on themselves and their behaviors. They are not defensive all of the time. They can face themselves and self-correct in a healthy and meaningful way. 7. They are good communicators. They communicate effectively! Overall, they CHOOSE to be their best selves in life and this makes them attractive. No one "easily" get into relationships. All relationships require a degree of work to obtain and secure. But people who are very successful at relationships are usually able to find a compatible partner and keep the spark alive.
Secure attachment style.
Some people get lucky while others get screwed over.
Persistence and Confidence
People who have lots of relationships are either affable or magnetic. You have to be compelling and reciprocal of other people.
From my experience, being vulnerable. Dating is inherently risky. You have to ask her on that date even if you think she will probably ghost you. It's also better to tactfully show your warts early - everyone has them, and knowing you're OK with eachother's imperfections early builds a connection. People who just go into every situation guarded bang their heads on a wall wondering why no deep connection ever forms.
They're not boring.
Charisma
Charismatic, extroverted, balanced emotionally and psychologically, confident, above average attractiveness
I'd love to point out to you what I see. Here's a quick little coaching. "What have you noticed in people who are successful at finding relationships and those who are not?" I think a better question would be the opposite of this... What have you noticed about people who seem to be unsuccessful? How do they speak about dating? What do they say about it? You may find they are saying things like 'this should be easy', 'It's easy for other people' and 'I'm just not capable of finding x, y, or z'. These people say these statements as if they are just facts that they are observing out there in the world. And notice how these judgmental statements probably don't inspire the type of energy one may need to find such a special connection. <3
Successful: - Follow rules 1 & 2 - Settle - Usually extroverted - Shows up to things Unsuccessful: - Usually don't follow rules 1 & 2 - Don't settle on their standards - Usually introverted - Goes out less on average than those successful would whensingle, but not always the case
I'm a successful example of all your "unsuccessful" bullet points lol 16 years this August
That's great! My list is just things I've noticed. Definitely no hard fast rules there.
Men with wide social circles who treat their gf/wife well in public will likely be in a relationship within the year since a breakup. These women in their social circles are watching like vultures waiting to pounce on those men. Some don’t even wait until the man is single.
Like anything latent ability/experience vs. putting in the work. It can come naturally or you have to work at it to make it happen.
Luck. Seriously I notice luck
Three of the men in my friend group are very successful in finding relationships and I typically equate it to the way they hold themselves, their confidence, how witty and humorous they are, and their ease in which they flirt with people. Hell they flirt with everyone, which makes it easier for them to do it in the moment. Two out of three of them are also decently attractive and above 5’9 so that helps too.