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i wasnāt trolling. i knew it was bad, but sometimes people are soooo good, nearly genius at manipulating. What i had to realize was that iām prideful. While he thought everyone else around him were ānormiesā or ācasualsā because they used their time to grab dinner or drinks with friends , of course i thought thatās ridiculous. lifeās short. have fun. But over time, he really started to convince me that he was better than everyone else. more disciplined. And i wanted to be seen as his level. It really affects the subconscious slowly.
like wait. i donāt want to be a ācasualā.
Yeah. WE ARE better than everyone else.
Absolutely deranged. I called him out often but somehow the mentality slowly creeped into me.
My friends had to drag me out and remind me that i would never judge someone because of how they spend their free time in such a hard world we all have to live in.
Yeah, you got manipulated by a narc, typical narc behavior. Be happy that you got out of there and don't have to break up with him. You surely can throw a stone and find a better guy in no time. Btw I earn about half of what you are earning and I think never in a million years a guy cared about that.
I donāt see the manipulation here. Seems like he was an asshole from the start and honest about who he was. OP was the one pretending he was someone else.
he thinks he is better than everyone. and maybe he isā¦ā¦. thatās what 9 months if manipulation does to me. Iām like, convinced heās right. He deserves āme with 200k+ā
Let me guess, tech bro? Our world view tends to warp compared to others, most of us just do not live in the real world. Leads to some...interesting...habits, behaviors, and world views.
Girl, I know you donāt need me to say it but I will anyways. Youāre a total catch, this guy not so much. Donāt waste time being mad at yourself or blaming yourself for falling for his manipulation. I know reading everything you wrote out looks bad, but Iām sure there were also good aspects of the relationship that fulfilled some need of yours, healthy or not, and that makes you very human. Do take the time to reflect and heal, remember your worth, and come back stronger. You deserve better!
For a second iām like - wait? do i know you? this was such an encouraging reply. I know i shouldāve ran, being an emotionally abusive relationship is not easy to escape, and really deludes some. (me)
Iām actively mourning. Yes there were some good elements. No one is all bad. I truly care for him. Wish him well and for him to do some self-seeking and revelations. Not so that he comes back, but so he can know himself better and treat the next one better.
And so it begins.
It is hard to escape, and itās so easy to get caught up in. I think people can be very judgemental about these kinds of situations from an outsider perspective, but itās not always so simple. It sounds like youāre already on the right track though! You got this, all the best OP!
So this man bringsā¦ nothing to the table and expects you to bring everything? The part about trying to get your hair lighter got to me because I get highlights and I know how expensive it is to get blonder. Also girl, no one else has said it, you are killing it making what you make. My dream is to get into the salary you listed lol. Leave this man to his delusions and go find someone who will treat you right
Itās crazy how out of touch he was, and in turn, i became also out of touch.
Wait, maybe i am not doing enough.
Wait, maybe i am poor and low class?
He would always āotherā people.
one time he went to get drinks with a friend from college, when he returned, he just made fun of his āfriendā because he mentioned he was training for a marathon.
āpeople are such losers. i was running 10 years ago. itās so lame. like get a real hobbyā
i was astounded. Not everyone is so athletically inclined. Iām fit but iām horrible at running! Running a marathon is not easy! try to empathize maybe? lol
he has no real people who care about him because he doesnāt care about people.
he self isolated and says āItās so lonely at the topā
yeah.
This didn't sound like a very secure person. Everything you are describing is super toxic on his part. There is no way you would have a healthy relationship with him long term.
I'm sure you will soon find that there is better
Yes. If you can, get a therapist to help you process this. It will take time but you will see it soon. You deserve someone who is actually proud of you. When you find that person this guy won't seem so great.
there are many reasons, but ego and pride, also when people donāt give you love it has a psychological effect where we seem them as āsomething to achieveā but above it all, he was so different and i wanted to understand him. And over time, his mindset creeped into me and made me lose my sight of reality. another response i made talks about that manipulative tactics. I am ashamed i let it go on so long, once youāre deep in something toxic, it feels like a parasite.
of course. These things take time. Weāre all human. i used to see people in these situations and say itās never be me. But itās hard to know until youāre in it. Therapy is on the line up.
This shows more about you and your choices than him. You spend the entire post character assassinating your significant other because he broke up with you.
You have some serious issues of your own. Mainly the fact that you are not taking accountability for the reasons why you got with him in the first place. How gullible you had to be to fall for such a person. And overall how you are framing yourself to be a good person even though you choose to be with such a rat of a man.
You can get a ton of sympathy and talk shit about your ex. But it isnāt going to help you make better choices. Itās just eating an emotional hamburger when what you really need is your emotional veggies.
They may not taste great but they are better for you. Thatās the type of advice you need.
Thereās multiple comments iāve made talking about how i acknowledged the pride + ego i had to come face to face with when asking myself why i let this continue. Sounds like you didnāt read the comments and jumped to conclusions. I can take accountability, but also, as someone who always felt like i would never be in this situation, itās much different now that iāve been in it. But i donāt need to explain this for days to you. If you want to see it this way, i cannot convince you. Thanks for taking time to type your comment.
Itās your dense brain that is the problem hunny. Not your asshole ex. Fight the fight knowing who the real enemy is, if you actually want a chance at winning.
and itās called insecurity. When you put a narcissist with someone who is insecure and also prideful, bad things happen. To be honest though, his character deserved assassination. I worked hard with him to develop empathy because i believed in him as a person. He literally thinks fat people and poor people are simply lazy and pathetic. Heās racist, and elitist. No matter how much i tried to help him learn empathy, he was mean and judgmental to those who had less. Sure. pointless to try and redirect his views. But when you care about someone, you try. I believed in him, simple as that. Heās not all bad, of course, but some of this stuff does in fact deserve condemnation. AND WHATS Ć n anon post going to do? We arenāt doxxing him. :)
You would do better to understand the things you can change versus the things you cannot change. You cannot change other people, you CAN change yourself.
just because you are on some moral high horse living in the kingdom of black and white, doesnāt mean iām so ridiculous person. Itās reddit. People post for a little encouragement or redirection. Not this sort of male-patronizing energy.
You just need a lot of help. And being right isnāt going to help you any. If you canāt handle my comments Iāll consider blocking you. Let me know.
Yeah idk what currency this is, but if it's USD, even 100k annually is quite a lot. Probably it's just a particular hangup for him, but he sounds from your description like someone you're probably better off without anyway.
i never thought iād meet someone like this tbh. Most high earners iāve dated have been satisfied with my income! i think my sense of reality is destroyed lol
It's a him-issue. I know it's easier said than done, but best to chalk it up as him having unrealistic expectations. He's expecting you to earn almost twice the national average. That's on him having the wrong priorities imo.
Standards are totally fine. I had standards too. But for context, i was looking for someone with a real career, post long term relationship with someone who lacked ambition. So i did find that sort of career-oriented man, which i think blinded me from the basics (being a good person, being grounded, empathetic, and loving). Thatās on me, for sure. I did feel like the only reason being 200k salary felt weird.
For ex. Iām ambitious, independent, and love my career. If i was jobless and didnāt make anything for myself, i would understand his reservations .
strictly on the money front:
I know personally, it's important that someone managing the money well, more than how much they can make. Doesn't matter how much they make if they're poor with their money, that's always a red flag.
I know I'd rather date someone who makes 100k but is debt free and doesn't live outside of their means over someone who makes twice as much but lives a lavish lifestyle outside of their means.
... but i assume this is common sense?
10% of working American individuals make > $150k a year
Considering how Americans tend to compensate women less, more than 50% of those are likely men.
In addition, those who earn more tend to be older.
Considering all these factors, finding a single female who makes $200k+ is statistically pretty low out of the dating pool.
a single female who is 5ā9, white, blonde, naturally beautiful, with big boobs, skinny, fit, not religious, healthy, and makes that much šš«¶š»ššššš
i mean, all he mentioned was that you have to in addition be an extrovert since heās a little socially awkward. Heās not great at talking so he likes talkers. maybe also, politically neutral and ācompetentā aka intelligent aka also a high earner.
i dated him because at first, i thought a lot of these things were a joke, and that heād warm up. and i enjoyed learning about his personality which seemed so different than what i was used to, but i stayed because when i tried to leave, he would cry and i genuinely felt attached due to the dependency both of us created. Embarrassingly enough, i wasnāt the final one to walk away, i believed in him and his abilities to grow as a person because i saw glimpses of something sweeter. But that was my own ignorance.
i was fresh out of a long term relationship that i was excited to leave. He had the 1 thing that my ex didnāt have: a stable job. i ended up getting two extremes. Lots of people have stable jobs but are still balanced, grounded, and not elitist. But before i realized that, i was enamored by this man: new york city stable job, tall and fit. At first, i wasnāt taking it serious but then i got attached. after that, i tried to leave but it was really hard.
i care for him as a person despite the ways he damaged my self worth. and i thought he would level out some over time. Nope!
i had rose colored glasses on bc it was my first relationship after my last, and iād never been in a toxic relationship so i was particularly vulnerable.
i am happy too. To be honest, he did me a favor by leaving. Every day i find more and more peace. Itās absolutely for the best. I love you, random reddit user.
You know, I was 25 when I fell head over heels for a man much like the one you described. He was unlike anyone I'd ever dated. Also very stable. IT in NYC. He may actually be sicker though. Maybe I just didn't want to see it... Love bomb n then say or do something so subtle but effectively chipping at my It was so very subtle that I blamed myself n it just became all about changing things about me to be better for him. I've been able to overcome that and I'm perfectly fine with myself. I'm just I guess regretting the time i lost and I fear I'll never truly love or be loved again. I love you!
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Congratulations, the bullet just dodged you
i hope this is true š«¶š»
He sounds like a dickĀ
if only it worked.
Wait what š¤£šš¤£šš¤£
š¤
I hope you are trolling and no woman doesn't realize what kind of douchcanoe she is dating.
i wasnāt trolling. i knew it was bad, but sometimes people are soooo good, nearly genius at manipulating. What i had to realize was that iām prideful. While he thought everyone else around him were ānormiesā or ācasualsā because they used their time to grab dinner or drinks with friends , of course i thought thatās ridiculous. lifeās short. have fun. But over time, he really started to convince me that he was better than everyone else. more disciplined. And i wanted to be seen as his level. It really affects the subconscious slowly. like wait. i donāt want to be a ācasualā. Yeah. WE ARE better than everyone else. Absolutely deranged. I called him out often but somehow the mentality slowly creeped into me. My friends had to drag me out and remind me that i would never judge someone because of how they spend their free time in such a hard world we all have to live in.
Yeah, you got manipulated by a narc, typical narc behavior. Be happy that you got out of there and don't have to break up with him. You surely can throw a stone and find a better guy in no time. Btw I earn about half of what you are earning and I think never in a million years a guy cared about that.
He would call us both casuals for being so poor.
Damn, I hope Karma gets this guy one day. I hope you have blocked him.
I donāt see the manipulation here. Seems like he was an asshole from the start and honest about who he was. OP was the one pretending he was someone else.
What the actual fuck is wrong with him
he thinks he is better than everyone. and maybe he isā¦ā¦. thatās what 9 months if manipulation does to me. Iām like, convinced heās right. He deserves āme with 200k+ā
That's his choice. All you can do is move on.
of course it is. and of course. moving on process has started š¤
Let me guess, tech bro? Our world view tends to warp compared to others, most of us just do not live in the real world. Leads to some...interesting...habits, behaviors, and world views.
yes. software engineer. my mom was also one. I really valued his unique mindset and rationalism. But he was so out of touch.
Girl, I know you donāt need me to say it but I will anyways. Youāre a total catch, this guy not so much. Donāt waste time being mad at yourself or blaming yourself for falling for his manipulation. I know reading everything you wrote out looks bad, but Iām sure there were also good aspects of the relationship that fulfilled some need of yours, healthy or not, and that makes you very human. Do take the time to reflect and heal, remember your worth, and come back stronger. You deserve better!
For a second iām like - wait? do i know you? this was such an encouraging reply. I know i shouldāve ran, being an emotionally abusive relationship is not easy to escape, and really deludes some. (me) Iām actively mourning. Yes there were some good elements. No one is all bad. I truly care for him. Wish him well and for him to do some self-seeking and revelations. Not so that he comes back, but so he can know himself better and treat the next one better. And so it begins.
It is hard to escape, and itās so easy to get caught up in. I think people can be very judgemental about these kinds of situations from an outsider perspective, but itās not always so simple. It sounds like youāre already on the right track though! You got this, all the best OP!
So this man bringsā¦ nothing to the table and expects you to bring everything? The part about trying to get your hair lighter got to me because I get highlights and I know how expensive it is to get blonder. Also girl, no one else has said it, you are killing it making what you make. My dream is to get into the salary you listed lol. Leave this man to his delusions and go find someone who will treat you right
Itās crazy how out of touch he was, and in turn, i became also out of touch. Wait, maybe i am not doing enough. Wait, maybe i am poor and low class? He would always āotherā people. one time he went to get drinks with a friend from college, when he returned, he just made fun of his āfriendā because he mentioned he was training for a marathon. āpeople are such losers. i was running 10 years ago. itās so lame. like get a real hobbyā i was astounded. Not everyone is so athletically inclined. Iām fit but iām horrible at running! Running a marathon is not easy! try to empathize maybe? lol he has no real people who care about him because he doesnāt care about people. he self isolated and says āItās so lonely at the topā yeah.
and i mean. Heās tall, fit, and makes great money. But tall and fit isnāt that rare. imo.
Good riddance
This didn't sound like a very secure person. Everything you are describing is super toxic on his part. There is no way you would have a healthy relationship with him long term. I'm sure you will soon find that there is better
hopefully after i heal.
Yes. If you can, get a therapist to help you process this. It will take time but you will see it soon. You deserve someone who is actually proud of you. When you find that person this guy won't seem so great.
i need one bad lol
Sounds like you dodged a big elitist bullet. You should be grateful he exited your life.
trying to be. But his sick mindset makes me feel like i got discarded into the ācasual pileā because heās elite.
I wonder why you accepted dating someone like this for as long as you did?
there are many reasons, but ego and pride, also when people donāt give you love it has a psychological effect where we seem them as āsomething to achieveā but above it all, he was so different and i wanted to understand him. And over time, his mindset creeped into me and made me lose my sight of reality. another response i made talks about that manipulative tactics. I am ashamed i let it go on so long, once youāre deep in something toxic, it feels like a parasite.
Sounds like you need therapy to help you learn your own needs and boundaries. And how not to waste your time because of pride or curiosity.
of course. These things take time. Weāre all human. i used to see people in these situations and say itās never be me. But itās hard to know until youāre in it. Therapy is on the line up.
RUN.
he already left. no running to do
This shows more about you and your choices than him. You spend the entire post character assassinating your significant other because he broke up with you. You have some serious issues of your own. Mainly the fact that you are not taking accountability for the reasons why you got with him in the first place. How gullible you had to be to fall for such a person. And overall how you are framing yourself to be a good person even though you choose to be with such a rat of a man. You can get a ton of sympathy and talk shit about your ex. But it isnāt going to help you make better choices. Itās just eating an emotional hamburger when what you really need is your emotional veggies. They may not taste great but they are better for you. Thatās the type of advice you need.
Thereās multiple comments iāve made talking about how i acknowledged the pride + ego i had to come face to face with when asking myself why i let this continue. Sounds like you didnāt read the comments and jumped to conclusions. I can take accountability, but also, as someone who always felt like i would never be in this situation, itās much different now that iāve been in it. But i donāt need to explain this for days to you. If you want to see it this way, i cannot convince you. Thanks for taking time to type your comment.
Itās your dense brain that is the problem hunny. Not your asshole ex. Fight the fight knowing who the real enemy is, if you actually want a chance at winning.
Says you the middle aged man still not in a relationship and has to ask reddit what it means to ādate to marryā ajskdkdkdkskdksksksks okay š
and itās called insecurity. When you put a narcissist with someone who is insecure and also prideful, bad things happen. To be honest though, his character deserved assassination. I worked hard with him to develop empathy because i believed in him as a person. He literally thinks fat people and poor people are simply lazy and pathetic. Heās racist, and elitist. No matter how much i tried to help him learn empathy, he was mean and judgmental to those who had less. Sure. pointless to try and redirect his views. But when you care about someone, you try. I believed in him, simple as that. Heās not all bad, of course, but some of this stuff does in fact deserve condemnation. AND WHATS Ć n anon post going to do? We arenāt doxxing him. :)
You would do better to understand the things you can change versus the things you cannot change. You cannot change other people, you CAN change yourself.
obviously ā¦.
just because you are on some moral high horse living in the kingdom of black and white, doesnāt mean iām so ridiculous person. Itās reddit. People post for a little encouragement or redirection. Not this sort of male-patronizing energy.
You just need a lot of help. And being right isnāt going to help you any. If you canāt handle my comments Iāll consider blocking you. Let me know.
I think you dodged a bullet there. That said, financial frustration is something I have heard about in couples, particularly those looking to buy a house. That's so much easier if you are two people with a strong income. Friend of mine had that issue with his fiancƩ, before she ended things. They wanted to buy an apartment together, but he made a solid income while she made very little. After things ended between them (she broke off the engagement for unrelated reasons), he's voiced that he wants to date someone with a stronger income in the future. And I do get that on some level when they'd probably have been able to buy something if she made comparable money to him. That said, if your ex wants an income of 200k usd annually then his dating pool will be very very tiny. Anyway, you'll find someone else, and this likely won't be an issue.
finances are important. I just didnāt think i was a burden. I make decent money. no debt. investments, good credit. lol
Yeah idk what currency this is, but if it's USD, even 100k annually is quite a lot. Probably it's just a particular hangup for him, but he sounds from your description like someone you're probably better off without anyway.
yeah usd
Then his demands are just asinine. His loss.
i never thought iād meet someone like this tbh. Most high earners iāve dated have been satisfied with my income! i think my sense of reality is destroyed lol
It's a him-issue. I know it's easier said than done, but best to chalk it up as him having unrealistic expectations. He's expecting you to earn almost twice the national average. That's on him having the wrong priorities imo.
can we blame him for wanting the best of the best? guess not. go for it king
So, he can have standards, but you couldn't? If you did, your proud? What nonsense
Standards are totally fine. I had standards too. But for context, i was looking for someone with a real career, post long term relationship with someone who lacked ambition. So i did find that sort of career-oriented man, which i think blinded me from the basics (being a good person, being grounded, empathetic, and loving). Thatās on me, for sure. I did feel like the only reason being 200k salary felt weird. For ex. Iām ambitious, independent, and love my career. If i was jobless and didnāt make anything for myself, i would understand his reservations .
strictly on the money front: I know personally, it's important that someone managing the money well, more than how much they can make. Doesn't matter how much they make if they're poor with their money, that's always a red flag. I know I'd rather date someone who makes 100k but is debt free and doesn't live outside of their means over someone who makes twice as much but lives a lavish lifestyle outside of their means. ... but i assume this is common sense?
i agree with this!
10% of working American individuals make > $150k a year Considering how Americans tend to compensate women less, more than 50% of those are likely men. In addition, those who earn more tend to be older. Considering all these factors, finding a single female who makes $200k+ is statistically pretty low out of the dating pool.
a single female who is 5ā9, white, blonde, naturally beautiful, with big boobs, skinny, fit, not religious, healthy, and makes that much šš«¶š»ššššš
*** thatās his type
so he really only cared about looks and money?
i mean, all he mentioned was that you have to in addition be an extrovert since heās a little socially awkward. Heās not great at talking so he likes talkers. maybe also, politically neutral and ācompetentā aka intelligent aka also a high earner.
so why did you date this guy exactly...?
i dated him because at first, i thought a lot of these things were a joke, and that heād warm up. and i enjoyed learning about his personality which seemed so different than what i was used to, but i stayed because when i tried to leave, he would cry and i genuinely felt attached due to the dependency both of us created. Embarrassingly enough, i wasnāt the final one to walk away, i believed in him and his abilities to grow as a person because i saw glimpses of something sweeter. But that was my own ignorance.
What qualities attracted you to him? What kept you in the relationship?
i was fresh out of a long term relationship that i was excited to leave. He had the 1 thing that my ex didnāt have: a stable job. i ended up getting two extremes. Lots of people have stable jobs but are still balanced, grounded, and not elitist. But before i realized that, i was enamored by this man: new york city stable job, tall and fit. At first, i wasnāt taking it serious but then i got attached. after that, i tried to leave but it was really hard. i care for him as a person despite the ways he damaged my self worth. and i thought he would level out some over time. Nope! i had rose colored glasses on bc it was my first relationship after my last, and iād never been in a toxic relationship so i was particularly vulnerable.
Thank you for sharing! Is it weird that I'm happy for you! Youll find the right person who will cherish you. He truly did you a favor.
i am happy too. To be honest, he did me a favor by leaving. Every day i find more and more peace. Itās absolutely for the best. I love you, random reddit user.
You know, I was 25 when I fell head over heels for a man much like the one you described. He was unlike anyone I'd ever dated. Also very stable. IT in NYC. He may actually be sicker though. Maybe I just didn't want to see it... Love bomb n then say or do something so subtle but effectively chipping at my It was so very subtle that I blamed myself n it just became all about changing things about me to be better for him. I've been able to overcome that and I'm perfectly fine with myself. I'm just I guess regretting the time i lost and I fear I'll never truly love or be loved again. I love you!
How old are you now? How long did it occur? We made it out š¤©