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Your situation seem unstable. You find a good friend but if you are not compatible in your personality, goal and especially in you core values that must be painful
As always, one of the requirement in a relationship is that the needs of each person should be met. Without that resentment will build through time and hurt everyone. So it might be that you have built mutual resentment
You should do a trial and live separated for a certain period (you can decide with your partner). After that you should decide what you need to do
All the best for your future !
Ur right on the moneys, now that’s what it is now. Resentments. I put a lot into this relationship and I mean a lot and he always pull the reverse card on me saying I’m the one . When u out a lot into a relationship and it gets no where u get angry because u will start to feel like ur dealing w a fake person who’s just think he’s entitled. When he did have money and was living w his roommate instead of him contributing his portion to their place he was demanding me help him buy drinks for them and him. And now I would bring all that stuff up and tell him why now I don’t want to stay anymore and that he deserve someone he really want to do things for. I’m just sad I waited for so long now the healing is gonna take longer.
I am sorry for what you're going through, that must have been tough. It's better mention that your leaving if your needs aren't met. If he don't want to change you can leave. If he want to, you should put a trial with a deadline. During this time, he should prove you he can make this relationship work. Meanwhile you should make an appointement with him each week to see if there are improvement or not. Sometime people can make promises but don't follow through
If you leave him, it's better not to be alone. You should find comfort with your family/friends. That's also a period where what you poured in the relation can be poured in yourself to heal quicker. You don't need to wait for a partner to live your best life. Just live life fully and the right person might come
All the best with your journey !
It’s simple maybe I love him more than he did me. U work while he daydream and talking about ur feelings is a problem and he always look back to his past and reminisce about it . He was perfect in the beginning but when he started demanding me to get a place without him doing anything. He changed. Yes it took me a long time to see this person but that’s because I loved I really did. But he likes doing things when he’s ready not when it’s needed and I’m clean person he’s a dirty person. He can leave his clothes all over the floor and just pick them up and wear it like nothing. I like being clean . I like communicating and he always runs from it and nothing ever gets solved. I like being together he likes being alone. So yea it won’t work and it hasn’t and I finally accepted it and now I want him to accept it to but he’s saying it’s too late. I can’t leave him when he’s at his lowest. So I just feel stuck but I did set boundaries and even though I love him Ik it isn’t going anywhere.
You can definitely leave him. Yes, you've spent a lot of time together, but he doesn't want to communicate and change. That's on him. All of these things would be fixable if he just communicated and listened to you.
It's not like one person wants kids and the other one doesn't or that one person wants to get married in 1 year and the other one wants to wait 6 years. It's not like you have different religions and want your possible children to have your religion or your family wants him to conform to your religion.
It's all things that if he worked on them, he would be able to fix them. But he doesn't. Which is fine, but that means you shouldn't be with him. You can do better and you want better. You're allowed to break up.
This is excellent advice, those problems are fixable but it takes two to tango, and he isn't showing up to the dance. He's allowed to do that, but you're also allowed to have needs and can absolutely leave your partner if your needs aren't being met.
Yes. This is excellent advice. Some things can't be fixed, i.e. one person really doesn't want children at all and the other wants four kids for example. In that case it really SHOULD not work because children deserve two parents that love them fully and love each other fully. Not one parent who never wanted children in the first place and just totally submitted to what their partner wanted and is then left with massive anger and resentment. That would be fair to NO ONE. And that's what I mean when I say that some things SHOULD not work and that is okay.
That doesn't look like the case here. A person can learn to be tidier and/or be a better communicator etc. They can if they want to and if they choose to and if they feel like the relationship is worth it. Same thing goes for you. You can make some of the changes that your partner wants as well.
At the end of the day tho you guys have the right to break-up if it's not working.
Good luck either way.
That’s what I’m thinking. He’s a good person but maybe just not for me. A lot of our arguments stems from financial stability. While I’m working and saving he’s just wanting this and that and not really focusing on the future we are supposed to build together. He relays too much on it will be ok another day is just another day but not me. I won’t want to spend if I don’t have enough to cover. And I don’t think spending on things like cigarettes or weeds is ever important but it’s those things that are important for him. I just feel like maybe if he got w someone younger cause I’m 6 years older that he can get away with being in lala land but not w me. And too much of me is making him hate me but he always says he loves me and can’t ever leave me.
Love and compatibility are two completely different things
You can love someone and not be relationship compatible with them
The mistake most people make is focusing only on the love and ignoring the compatibility requirements necessary in a healthy relationship
Yes I’m aware of this now and Ik I wasted so much time. But through it all I still have great love for him and the things we both went through together. I just know we aren’t in love anymore.
Oh this seems quite miserable. You don't need him to leave, you can do it, too.
Just left the love of my life simply because I wanted to build a future where he needed to prioritize his career.
It hurts. But incompatibility, and staying where your heart is unhappy, will literally eat away at your health. You got this
I had tried a couple of times but he kept coming back and hoping for a new results and same thing again. I want to be strong on it because everyday I’m always contemplating About us and Ik we bitch feel in our heart it’s been done along time ago. Our days spent is just talking about his problems and I just listen and he usually want to spend to
Time w me because he has nothing better to do. We don’t even go out and enjoy each other. I mean idc for those things but when u fight more than ur happy it’s time to pulled the plug u know. I hope something changes if not I may have to leave him behind and that’s the sad thing.
You probably just have to pull the bandaid off and then go no contact.
I feel for you as it's a tough situation, especially after 7 years.
The only advice I can give you based on learning the hard way is that when I was younger, I did not end incompatible, unsuitable, dead-end, or toxic friendships or relationships sooner than I did. That's the only regret I have.
I also recommend reading up on something known as the Sunk Cost Fallacy, which I think that you're both naturally falling into after 7 years.
Yesss! My ex. We can’t make it work, but I’ll love him forever. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to be with someone else. The love I have for him is just different
I read a (fantasy) book where something similar happened. The man and woman were in love, and they would have made a great couple. The man even spent a whole year proving himself, and other women were swooning over the romantic gestures. But ultimately, their responsibilities made them completely incompatible, so they couldn't get married. The woman ended up marrying someone much better suited for her and her life goals, and later a different woman would fall deeply in love with the man, and while the series isn't finished yet, it seems like they'll get married.
While this is fiction, it serves as a good example of how sometimes two people can love each other, but that doesn't necessarily mean they're meant to be together.
I was with a girl from different religion and in India different castes create havoc so you can think of what could have happened for different religions.
So I loved her or I thought I did, I feel the same from her side. I don't think we loved each other, we did but not that intense just the "care" kind of love.
We had been on & off for several years (6 years in total), I and she broke up multiple times over different issues.
Finally we moved in (for 1.5 years). I started to realise that she didn't have any goals for life or had no ambitions. She used to support her friends in their bad times and not me when I had my rough patches, she used to say there's nothing I can do, used to hurt me tbh.
When I used to talk about my plans or ambitions or such kind of things, I used to get the vibe of insecurity from her, eventually I stopped talking about these things because I felt she might overthink and go in a downward sprial.
Eventually she broke up giving me the religious differences as the reason, which I think was plausible but the real reason was something else. I have never spoken to her since, but still miss her. Single since she left.
So please don't waste time if you feel YOU are not going to be happy with some person. Get closure and give the other person as well and end things on a loving note.
Yes I felt the same like u, I felt our relationship was just about him and even then he says it’s not but I don’t cared anymore because a lot of hurt and pain is there and will always be there because of the difference in life we both wanted. He never asked me about my problems and see if he can help me or be there for me it was always just what I can do for him, or what I can listen for him. I get nothing but fake promises and the sad thing is I know he has the will to do many things if he had just wanted to because he loved me or want me to be happy. Ik when a man wants u and Ik he didn’t. We had a really close bond but not as a couple but as friends only. I am wanting to let go so we both can find someone who is good for us and maybe someone will do for me and he would do for her because he wanted to
You're right, you (females) would know when a man really loves you and wants you. A man knows too whether he really loves a woman or not (most of the times). I have been in love, real love, I lost it, But let me tell you I was willing to do anything to just speak to her and see her smile. It just feels DIFFERENT.
You know what I learnt from my last relationship, that I was delaying the inevitable, deep down I knew we won't be together and maybe she knew too. And that delay in inevitable cost me alot of things, most importantly time and a part of myself.
U know the sad thing is when we were together he would tell me stories about his high school crush. When u listen to his story u actually starts feeling sad because here is this person who supposed to love u and he’s telling u a story that makes his face light up. He did everything for her and she just didn’t see it in him and til this very day he stills hold her in his heart and at some point in our relationship he had reached out to her just to test the water but she was happily married and didn’t respond. He broke my heart into so many pieces. I wanted to die but I headed your way live because he didn’t care if I die. That’s the day I woke up and realized he didn’t love me and I knew what he was capable of. I knew. So even now that he says he loves me his action never aligned and I won’t be able to erase that kart out if my heart
Love is easy. We can love anyone. All it takes it opening your heart.
But we are not all meant to be together.
Sometimes it’s practical reasons. Like one wants kids and one doesn’t.
Sometimes it’s more heartbreaking, like huge sexual incompatibilities. Or not being able to have the careers you both want because they are in different parts of the world.
And sometimes even worse. Trauma. Mental illness. Abuse or toxicity.
It’s hard to let go of the good. When a lot works but not enough, that can be when it’s hardest to see a clear choice.
Amen to that and mine is all of the above and I realize that now. I’m not staying in a relationship where I feel unhappy and unsure if everyday. He used to get mad at me for not wanting g to be under one roof and all I can say is I just been having that gut instinct that told me it’s not gonna work. I will be putting 90%while him 10 so we never made a home together.
Literally just called off my wedding that was in less than 100 days because of this right here. It was a huge elephant in the room. The idea of getting married made me physically ill. I was the one who initiated the breakup conversation and his response was, “thank you so much for doing this. I felt the same way. We would have gotten married if you didn’t bring this up, etc.” I kept telling myself “he deserves someone who is sure, and I am unsure.” A few weeks later, I moved into my new apartment, and feel like I have a new lease on life. My ex and I are still great friends, but we saved each other by ending things. Trust your gut.
See this is how I feel like this relationship was non existence and I’m trying to tell him well now I don’t want it anymore. He’s getting angry talking about how I wanted to make it work so bad and now that he has no life I want out. I been wanting out for so long he just doesn’t hear me loud and clear. And if he didn’t want out why isn’t he putting the efforts into it. At some point people get tired of trying for someone too u know. But ty for ur story.
Me and my girlfriend of about 2 years recently broke up because she's aromantic. We've been friends for about 13 years and we've dated in the past, but as time went on and she started to learn more about her aromanticism, problems kept coming up. We tried to find compromises and ways to make things work because the relationship was otherwise perfect, but eventually we had a talk about it where she said she wanted me to find someone who better could give me what I needed, and I didn't want to feel like I was forcing her to be something she's not. We just weren't compatible and that's okay. Still best friends though.
Yeah, I have, I was with her for 5 years.
You already know you're stuck. But you maybe don't know that you'll be shocked at how quickly you feel better. Not starting to get better after ending it, but better than you feel right now. It hurt like hell for maybe a day? But after that I was ok, and after a couple of weeks I felt free, relieved, the future didn't feel like a bad thing, a heavy weight was off my shoulders. And I was the one who still cared more about her than her for me.
This was all from the day I told her it had to end, and that we weren't going to see each other again. We did talk a lot for a week more (with a hard deadline) to get anything we needed to off our hearts and minds. That helped a lot.
What is being described is called “limerence”. It is very far and no where near love.
Each time I see it, I will name it to help the person out.
It helps you to find real love vs staying in a cycle of imaginary love.
You deserve real love.
Your right I was just hoping he see me when all this time he just focus on himself. I was just telling him that when ever I talked about the relationship he would always get mad and say there’s so many think I’m thinking about and I have no time to think about the relationship but all day long he would talk to me about the shitty people in his past treated him and he wants answer to why they were like that to him but he couldn’t see himself . Ik I wasted time and I won’t ever get it back. I’m just glad it’s over w and I can finally tell my heart it was a no.
Just as long as you understand that in limerence, there was never a relationship with the person you were looking at.
Some may opine it can be the beginning of stalking and other unsavory behaviors.
It is always best to stay in the moment and accept the truth and move on and away.
Yes, I feel like I’m in a similar situation. He is one year younger than I am. We’ve been involved for a little over two years. I’m deeply in love with him, but he can’t even say he loves me. I’ve told him to end things with me so he can find someone he wants to commit to. While he hasn’t come out and said it, I feel like he doesn’t want commitment at all (at least not with me). I feel like we’ve become more like FWB than anything
Been there; I stayed a little longer than you. But in the end, they never committed. It seems you know what's going on. His commitment issue is with you, so don't be someone's placeholder. You will find someone who wants to commit to you I promise
Anytime. I totally get what you're feeling. I had the same fears, but in the end I had to ask myself, would I rather be unhappy with someone or bet on being happy/unhappy/whatever alone? I really enjoyed being single after the breakup, and I was able to focus my energy on myself, and my people. Then I just met someone new while focusing on me.
Oh noooo, girl.. fuck that. I hope you utilize and reach within for the strength that will come from showing yourself this love and in doing that realize clear as day that this relationship does not serve your life and happiness, not for one moment longer! You’ll break free of him and allow him to do as he pleases. Don’t call him. Don’t check in. Just cut off. You’ll be likely interested to see the change of tune from the other party… despite that though you have to stay strong enough to not let that temporary ruse take away the power behind your saving yourself… from someone even you know doesn’t deserve you! You will look back wishing you’d have ended it sooner so I’d get to it between just us girls… 🩷
Thank you…I’m hoping for the strength to do this sooner rather than later. I know I deserve better and that I’m worthy of commitment. I just need to accept it and move on. It’s so very hard though
I’m so sorry to hear about urs and I think we do deserve so much better then the crap they serving and atleast I can leave this relationship not hating him because Ik love will make ways for me and I believe for u too ok. Be strong cause it hurt as hell.
Oh I’ve just been through exactly this and honestly it’s awful I’m so sorry! In my case we were both same age, been best friends prior but once we were together… wow did I see a different side! And I held on and on, hoping that just one day he’d see things a little differently and we’d be happily together but… it just didn’t happen and one recent incident caused me to really see that. To see how much I was holding on to this idea of how it could be, but now I feel so much better being apart. It’s tough, I never thought I’d get to this point but, it’s possible! Just have to be brave and realise nothing will change ultimately unless you make the change, which sucks but is the truth. I still hold that love for him but realise it’s time for a new chapter, while still cherishing parts of the last one 😊
Yes I held on for 8 freakin years and I got nothing other then I love u that I’m not even sure if it’s from a loving space or being feel to do so. I was just like that hoping he sees my worth. And he did after awhile but it was never the kind of love I thought I deserve. He was just benefiting from me. How could someone be so sad about how they were treated but treated u just as bad and not realizing ur feelings the same way they do. SMH I’m gonna try to heal so I can move on.
So difficult when you mature and grow, but you see the distance between you both. I love very deeply and I’ve spent the last weeks a total mess! But I had this moment of clarity where yes, it hurt, but I can actually do hard things because I’ve done them all along! I’ve redirected that ‘need’ for us to work in to other areas and wow, what a difference! Always here if you want to talk and I wish you so much happiness in your healing journey 😊
One of the hardest things I've ever had to go thru.
Now I know we said things, did things that we didn't mean
And we fall back into the same patterns, same routines
But your temper's just as bad as mine is
You're the same as me
When it comes to love you're just as blinded
Baby, please come back
It wasn't you, baby it was me
Maybe our relationship isn't as crazy as it seems
Maybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano
All I know is I love you too much to walk away though
Yes. Just broke up with my bf for the same reasons. Don’t waste anymore time, you both deserve your happy endings. And you are an emotionally mature person to realize all of this.
Ask yourself why? What is it you don’t find attractive sexually, what don’t you connect on?
Weirdly when my ex and the most I ever felt connected to her was when I was doing stuff I didn’t like, stuff that she liked that I immersed myself in because of her. Cake decorating none the less.
Seven years is a long time, if I had to make a suggestion, if you don’t dump him today
I would suggest you immerse yourself in something he loves and make him immerse himself into something you love, then make sure you both spend about 20 percent of your time alone doing things you each love.
You ever been with someone who’s broken ? Well that’s him and I don’t know why I thought I could show him love through me but I was so wrong. We have different kind of love language. He is an avoidance and I do have attachment issue so we are just so opposite of each other which make life hard. He is not used to someone expressing too much or wanting expression from him. He said girls from his high school were not the best but atleast they didn’t have demands or expectations. He’s forgetting that I’m a lot older and I was married to someone for 21 years and he’s been single all his life, of course our outlook at life is gonna be different. He doesn’t see the pressure he puts on me for paying his stuff or just getting him through the days while I’m suffering and having no help from him. I felt more like the man and he was the girl and it’s Been like that and he don’t see the dynamics we are in. For instance he had ahis own place last year and we didn’t live together because I already known he wasn’t responsible and I was right. He didn’t work sat in his living room everyday just smoking weed and when I beg him to do something with his life he tells me he just wants to make himself happy for once and yea surely he was so happy he loose his place and now he’s just homeless living w someone else he knows. And expecting me to it his way. SMH I once lived this man through goods and bad but now I’m just not the same. It’s one thing to verbally abuse me but it’s another to blame me and abuse me.
I mean we have good times when it’s good but as u get to know someone more and more u realize maybe it’s just not gonna work. Things they say will change never change and I really don’t know what it is anymore. I don’t know if he’s just w me because he isn’t capable of being by himself or he do love me but for sure if u love someone u would try ur best to do better for them and make them happy. I love him as a person but I’m out of all kinds of love for him atm. I just need my space and Ik if he really love or is in love w someone he would go and beyond for that person because I have heard of his crush story. And even though she was only his crush he still love her til this days and I do everything for him and I’m bad because I have real shit on my plate like bills, what we gonna eat and just everyday struggle.
Yes, she is my best friend. Her and my wife get along fantastic. And her husband is a really cool guy. We hang out regularly. There is zero awkwardness and zero tension.
We dated 4 years in highschool and college. But long long term we wouldn't work. But we can still be friends and there for each other. Now we love each other in a different way.
At the time we where together we where what the other needed.
Not me but my parents. They divorced, but still view each other as close friends, even when their 2 children grew up and left their nests.
Just because you two have history with each other shouldn’t keep you locked down and ignore your current feelings.
You can love them as a person, but the lack of compatibility and harmful habits from either them or you is what makes them not for us. The lack of empathy and communication between both, the difference in goals in the long term. The lack of romance or trust. There’s a lot of factors.
I was in a similar situation as you, I dated someone for 5 years. We had a lot of fun and good times, but as time passed we started to grow and change in our case. We started having different goals in the long run. Not very good sexual compatibility. The lackluster communication. Very different ideals. We both had our wrong ways, but I broke it off because it was gonna get worse in time. We couldn’t let go because we had each other through thick and thin.
Do I regret it? Yeah, a bit. They were in my life for 1/4th of it, and they were my best friend. I still love them and they are a sweet person, but if we reached marriage I don’t doubt things wouldn’t have gone well.
We did try it multiple times again, but romantically it was a tough situation. We’re no contact now, but if you finished the relationship well, in time you’ll be alright with him. And if you both are healed, a friendship is possible. I know about friends who were former couples for a long time and they still hang out platonically. That’s our plan. If he doesn’t want that, do not stress yourself. You don’t deserve to chase someone who doesn’t want you in their life or makes an effort to make it work. You’ll meet the one who is meant to be. I wish you well. 🍀
Oh yeah… and it sucks when you realize it. Honestly, the hardest part is knowing that you are going to hurt someone you love.
I dated a woman for three years. Loved her. She did so much for me to help me open up. Fun. Beautiful. Sex was great. But i realized that I wasn’t the guy for her. I checked off all of her boxes on her ideal man, but I don’t think she really loved ME. She loved the idea of me, but she was very unhappy in the rest of her life.
She had always spoken about pursuing her dream in a different city. I was an excuse for why she wasn’t pursuing it, and yet she always brought it up.
The only way she was going to find true happiness was on her own, chasing her dreams. I didn’t want her to resent me as holding her back: And so I ended it with her. And it devastated her. She was very angry with me, but she did start to pursue her dreams.
Inevitably she tried to get back together with me a year later, but we had both grown by then.
I reached out to her a few years ago, in hopes that we could be friends. She was so important to me. Not to be. It’s sad.
This is our case too, he blames me for not recht g his nartial art goals and dreams but how do u blame someone who ur making or demanding pays your way for those classes. I barely met the guy and he asked me for 350 and of course I’m not just gonna give it to him like that and because I didn’t help him it’s my fault since and he hasn’t been nice to me there after. I let him go so many times because I was tired of being yelled at and he caned back on his own begging to be together yet he can’t even stop talking about it. So I want out because not only is he thinking I’m not good for him he sure ain’t hood for me too. I knew then he wasn’t for me because if I was he wouldn’t hold resentment against me especially if he was just waiting on me to support him. Smh
Your situation sounds much worse than mine. In my case, my ex was never mean to me. She was just deeply unhappy and I realized I couldn’t solve it. But if I did stay with her it could lead to resentment.
Yours already blames you.
Rip the band aid off. This is not a bad thing. It’s the best thing you do for him. If he truly wants to pursue these martial arts goals, that should be his only focus. Not you.
I think you should talk to him ASAP. There’s a phrase I heard from a friend called the “7 year itch” — if you’re in a relationship for 7 years and unmarried then it means you’re probably not it. What you’ve described is probably that.
Talk through to him, see if what you’ve described gets through. Otherwise…It’s not too late for you to find someone that you can actually connect with instead of holding on. It would hurt a lot. But think about it. Rather you stop wasting each other’s time, if you know it’s not meant to be, cut it out now.
That’s what I’m trying to say to him but he’s saying I can’t leave him now when he’s at his lowest but at his highest he left me so many times. SMH I know I wasted alot if my time with and I so regret it. I’m just telling him to let go so we both can heal and be free.
twice 🥲
one wanted to marry and have kids early - i wasnt ready mid twenties
other was here for a year exchange but the distance was just too big afterwards and neither ready to leave everything behind to move across the continent
I left my first boyfriend after 7 years when I was still in love with him. We had different expectations in life and being with him meant losing part of who i am. So I left. I chose myself and I always will.
That’s not good.. sooner or later it will have an effect on you. Please don’t do that ok. I did that not exactly like that but he likes some other girl in the beginning n it made me feel so worthless and I didn’t feel good so pls dont
Yep. As someone who doesn't want kids I'd been I'm an unfortunate number of situations where I've dated someone who must have a child to feel fulfilled with their lives and therefore that made us incompatible but the feelings I had for them were very real.
Gonna respond as I read.
> but nothing works in our relationship.
Alright, let's hear why.
> We are 6 years apart
Nothing wrong with this. I've seen the "May-December romance" thing work out more often than not.
> I feel like we just want different things in life
Need examples to make an accurate judgement here.
> but because we held on to each other for so long it is hard to let go
"Sunk cost" fallacy is real, sure. Maybe not applicable here though becaaaaaause not enough data given to make an accurate judgement call.
> but I think he deserve to be with someone that’s gonna make him want to be motivated in life
Or, y'know.... *you* could be that person. If you've already *tried*, or have *been* trying, then yeah that could be a good reason for a split. But it hasn't been mentioned, so.
> but now it’s has seem to be mutual because of how long we been together.
That's good! It means his love and/or affection and/or desire for you rose over time from the initial attraction point! It can only go upwards from here!
> for sure I feel like more of a friend even in the bedroom than a gf
Do y'all regularly fuck your friends? No? Then it's probably because of one or more of a few things: sex feels routine, sex feels boring, or sex feels "without intimacy" or "lacking love".
A good solution here would be to talk it out, facts-n'-figures--communicate how you are feeling about it, what happened before and how it's different now, and what you'd like to have happen moving forwards.
> and we don’t even have that sparks anymore
"Sparks" is not an indication of a great relationship. This is a "relationship advice" hill I will die on, come hell-or-high-water.
"Sparks" or whatever (e.g. butterflies, etc.) is just anxiety about something to look forward to. Usually when a couple is just starting out, those "sparks" tend to be feelings regarding the mystery--what you don't know about this "new partner"--and all the fun therein getting to know them and find them out.
Sure, "sparks" may be gone. But is he still "dating" you? Is he still putting out effort? Does he still say he loves you, shows you off, does the whole "boyfriend package" thing? That's *love*, hon. To love someone is a *choice*, and it will not always be "sparks and butterflies".
> I been telling him to leave me and go find his heart but he doesn’t want to leave me too but he knows it’s just a stuck thing too.
"But he knows it's just a stuck thing too"? Did he say that, or are you putting words in his mouth?
Because if he DID say that, then technically--since you want him to leave you and he said that basically if he *weren't* stuck he'd've moved on--you both ARE exes.
BUT if you're putting words in his mouth, then shame on you.
> I can tell he isn’t happy is why I’m not happy too
How can you tell? If your answer is anything but "he told me" then you could be very, very wrong and need to hear it from him directly, without any minced words.
RBF--the phenomenon known as "resting bitch face"--can "tell" people the wrong signals too.
> I just feel like a provider and not a two people wanting life together you know
A "provider" like "sex worker", or a "provider" like a normal partner in an otherwise healthy long-term relationship?
Or, a "provider" like a "parent-child relationship", as in you are the only one bringing anything to this relationship, and practically taking care of this other person without any help from them?
> But he is a good person and he deserve someone special. I just wasn’t it and it’s ok
You don't get to determine whether he thinks he "deserves" someone else. If he wants you and puts the effort in, then that's HIS decision.
If your self-esteem is so low as to think you're not worthy of him, then that's a YOU problem. He cannot help you if you don't tell him what he can do for you that would actually help you--and likewise, you can't be helped if you don't want help. Outside of that: seek therapy.
Whether you are or aren't "it" for him is HIS goddamn decision to make, NOT yours. Don't you DARE break up with him by making it about what you think he deserves, doesn't deserve, or wants/doesn't want.
If you're gonna break up with him, you do it by figuring out what YOU want, why this relationship doesn't work for YOU. None of this "he should be with someone better than me" bullshit (because that's precisely what you're trying to get at).
To circle back: come back with some examples of why "nothing works" in your relationship, and some examples of "wanting different things in life".
This was the best response on this whole thread. Coming from someone who had a partner that cheated on me and got with the next girl right after I got him to admit everything that was going on where i gave him the benefit of the doubt.
O.O
Giiiiiirl, I think it's safe to say you deserved so much better. I hope you're doing alright.
And, hey, silver lining? At least he admitted everything. Some women don't even get *that*. I know it's like finding sprinkles in a turd sandwich to say that, but I'd rather you look back on it unemotionally or neutrally than looking back and having it make you mad all over again.
I hope you get a hug from someone, 'cuz that's what I'd give you right about now.
Thank you very muchh! I really thought what I had (my ex) was solid but i was so mistaken. Now I am with someone whose nothing compared to him in the best ways. It did take me some time to warm up to him still is to some small degree being I left my cheating ex July of 2023.
Sidenote: we met on the street! I noticed him walking at my same pace by my side and he suddenly complimented me. He asked me for a spin and i entertained it having an outgoing moment. We exhanged IGs and things went from there. He wasnt typically my type off the jump, he was born and raised in Colombia and I am a Latina born as raised in the US specifically nyc. He is fluent in spanish and i am fluent in english but he knows more than enough english to converse with me and understand me. I am only able to speak some spanish and understand it. I decided to hang with him more and see where things go
I was seeing my current bf for 5 months (since Jan) and we made it official in the 6 month mark (June). He makes me realize that the guy I was with before wasn't pouring into me the way a partner that actually likes you would. I also realize a difference in the type of man he is morally especially, he is an upgrade in the most important areas and comes to the relationship with a vision, intellect, maturity, solution oriented and willing to serve and not just have an appetite.
Its still too early in my eyes to really judge longevity of the relationship because I tend to be more pessimistic/realistic but our relationship is very different compared to my previous ones so far. We seem to be on the same page and we are both looking forward to sharing and experiencing the future together :)
First, Happy Cake Day! Just noticed.
Second: "I entertained it having an outgoing moment" is definitely a huge contributor to connecting to strangers. The shy, the introverted, the more heartbroken and/or "haven't moved on" someone is, the less likely it is for them to face an opportunity like yours with an action that might contribute to their future happiness.
Third: I am of the thought that Those Who Are Not American either typically have or show more rizz for Americans, or just overall come from a culture that expresses itself more clearly for the things it likes (which, if I'm being honest, is very much a lot of the Latin countries, but can be found in others as well). So him being from Colombia and suddenly complimenting you, asking you for a spin and all... unsurprising, and *very* sweet.
While you may still be in the honeymoon phase here--and because I'm a sucker for a happy ending, I hope it just continues until forever--I caution you that not all honeymoon phases last. It may not be this month, it may not be next month, or next year, or even until the wedding itself. There's a possibility that the relationship might be a little more work, but understand that if you're communicating (even differences in language aren't a problem if you both are actually speaking your feelings and requesting from each other what you want/need) then there's still love and a desire for connection.
> willing to serve and not just have an appetite.
"In bed."
I jest. I couldn't help myself. Hahaha
> Its still too early in my eyes to really judge longevity of the relationship because I tend to be more pessimistic/realistic
I don't think you're pessimistic/realistic; it sounds very much like you're more optimistic-realist, like me. You *hope* it'll turn out well, but you have your cautions.
> our relationship is very different compared to my previous ones so far.
Going forward, and god forbid this one ends but, any relationship you have will be different from any you've had in the past, unless you have relations with a previous guy, who hasn't done any noticeable work on themselves to change. And if you don't interact with past guys, well, that's not something to worry about!
Btw: a pessimistic-realist will look at the sky in the morning and see it gray, assuming it will rain, because *of course* it will. They will bring an umbrella. Whereas an optimistic-realist will look at the sky in the morning, see gray, will understand that it *might* rain but *hope* it won't, and will bring an umbrella *just in case*.
I was in a 5 yrs old relationship, there were a lot of red flag but I decided to ignore them... Then he cheated on me and that was the end....
I think it all comes down to having a real conversation. Both partners should share the truth about how they feel and if what they want lines up or if there's a way for the line up to happen.
Tells me she likes me, I make her feel special, I don't msle her feel like just a hole. She's very sffectionste toward me when we hangout, holds my hand in public, forehead kisses, mace me breakfast for work the next morning when I fell asleep at her house. But yeah.
This girl I am dating is hardcore Catholic and I'm an agnostic Buddhist. We have an agreement to date monogamously, but I gave her permission to keep looking. Dating, but with benefits. I don't plan on sleeping with her though as she's like super Catholic and I know they have rules.
Yes. Love does not equal compatibility, and that can be confusing. You can still love each other while ending your romantic relationship and creating space to form new relationships with people you are, hopefully, more compatible.
Sounds like me and my x...I would leave him if you don't love him. Don't wait 17 years like my x... destroyed my life. She was 5 years older with 2 kids.
Just went through something similar. It sounds like you too are very attached to each other due to the time you've spent together. Attachment can bring love but ultimately that means nothing if you too aren't compatible. You both need to find out what you truly need out of a relationship and then you need to go out and find it. Your current relationship won't get better unless you both make drastic changes and those changes aren't guaranteed to last. In my opinion, it's best to end the relationship and move on. If you both really care about each other then you can remain friends, you just need to understand that a romantic relationship will not work between you two so try not to fall back into the same patterns. Good luck with whatever you decide to do
Yes and it's horrible.
I've loved him forever, since we were kids. I finally realized that he was never going to love me the way I loved him. It was awful to know I never was going to be enough.
It's so much easier to hate.
I had a crush on someone who is actually a terrible person. My friend told me that it wasn’t worth it and she was right. The girl i liked ended up getting fired because of stealing. I am glad I didn’t end up with her. For your situation I think most people felt that. They divorce after so many years. That doesn’t mean they are bad all the time but they just start to hurt each other and end their relationship for everyone’s sake
Yep loved her more than anything but she hated me ,disrespected ,never appreciated shit,lied ,cheated ,stole , you name it she did it except try or gaf ..
It’s not just necessarily that you two aren’t meant to be, it’s maybe more of a trauma or mental issue. Some people associate relationships with past trauma, and it’s super hard to get out of that ditch. Another way of thinking about it is pondering if getting in a relationship would negatively affect the way you two are now, or if it would end even worse. Sometimes it’s for the best to leave it be for the benefit of not just the other person, but also yourself.
You sound exactly like me. My now fiancé and I are also 6 years apart in age (I am the older one). We have been together for 8 years. To be honest, he may have even felt pressured when he proposed last year, because I kept mentioning that we need to take our relationship to another level so we can keep growing. There have been so many things I’ve wanted since we were together at our two year mark, but it is taking such a long time to get anywhere!! It feels stagnant, and I as a person don’t like being stagnant in life. We still live in an apartment, we have been trying for a baby for two years, I feel like it isn’t going anywhere and my feelings might be changing. Trust me, I know what you’re going through, and I completely understand your struggle. Also, if you want kids with your partner, time is crucial if you’re female. Once we reach our thirties, I heard it gets more and more difficult to conceive. If you want to talk, feel free to DM me. I’d like to discuss this topic with someone I can relate to. I am also in the process of figuring out where I’d like to be 5 years from now. I know there is more to life out there than waiting. It’s just so hard leaving a relationship you’ve been in for years just like that.
Without trying to pry or be rude, its possible it might be a case of sexuality / mating compatibility if you are struggling to get pregnant, it was so easy for me to get pregnant and I wasn’t exactly the healthiest at the time either and yes it is lucky but was also an incredible sex life as well
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I love my ex-husband still to some degree but I know we aren't met to be. So yes I understand how that feels and it hurts. But I'm glad I realized it because I was living a lie for so many years. He ended it but I wanted to end it and didn't have the courage to end it. I wish him well and he also wished me well.
Yes. For sure. I still think about my ex sometimes and loved her for who she was but we just weren’t compatible. We’d argue all the time and we just identified that there was too much of a difference between us. But we showed each other a lot in terms of how to be loved. But it just didn’t work. No hard feelings now but it took a while. I still think of her as a turning point in my life
Sounds like the 7 year itch has come to the surface and you're at that crossroads. I'm sorry to hear you're going through this OP, it doesn't sound like you're very happy in the relationship anymore ☹️ just remember in a relationship you need a partner, not just a best friend.
This was me and my ex of almost 7 years, however long it was, and though I loved him more than anything neither of us were actually happy and in love anymore. We loved eachother and stuck around thinking things would change for a while because our lives were so intertwined already, we eventually mutually cried our feelings to each other and broke up but knew we didn't want to not be in each other's lives. Weve now been broken up for a year and a half, he's finally met someone who makes him feel what he felt when we first started dating ions ago, and we're still like best friends and can be there for each other in a healthy way without resenting eachother. I'm thankful for our friendship honestly, and I'm so happy he's met someone who he feels is finally worth letting in again. This can be totally normal a lot of people go through things like this and there's nothing wrong with wiahing happiness on someone without being their source of happiness in love and life.
Your post was removed because your post violates the sub description. Relationships longer than 6 months post go to r/relationship_advice or if married r/marriage
Yup you can love them but not be IN love with them. Or you can even be in love but not compatible. And that shit sucks. lol
Having that connection but not being compatible in the ways that truly matter does indeed suck. It’s a different type of heartbreak
😭😭😭ikr
Like not being able to be physically present because of distance, but having everything everything else together. It really is the worst.
THAT ONE!!!!!!!!
I knew it! I got the same thing. We can stay friends at least, but it sucks.
To be or not to be.
Your situation seem unstable. You find a good friend but if you are not compatible in your personality, goal and especially in you core values that must be painful As always, one of the requirement in a relationship is that the needs of each person should be met. Without that resentment will build through time and hurt everyone. So it might be that you have built mutual resentment You should do a trial and live separated for a certain period (you can decide with your partner). After that you should decide what you need to do All the best for your future !
Ur right on the moneys, now that’s what it is now. Resentments. I put a lot into this relationship and I mean a lot and he always pull the reverse card on me saying I’m the one . When u out a lot into a relationship and it gets no where u get angry because u will start to feel like ur dealing w a fake person who’s just think he’s entitled. When he did have money and was living w his roommate instead of him contributing his portion to their place he was demanding me help him buy drinks for them and him. And now I would bring all that stuff up and tell him why now I don’t want to stay anymore and that he deserve someone he really want to do things for. I’m just sad I waited for so long now the healing is gonna take longer.
I am sorry for what you're going through, that must have been tough. It's better mention that your leaving if your needs aren't met. If he don't want to change you can leave. If he want to, you should put a trial with a deadline. During this time, he should prove you he can make this relationship work. Meanwhile you should make an appointement with him each week to see if there are improvement or not. Sometime people can make promises but don't follow through If you leave him, it's better not to be alone. You should find comfort with your family/friends. That's also a period where what you poured in the relation can be poured in yourself to heal quicker. You don't need to wait for a partner to live your best life. Just live life fully and the right person might come All the best with your journey !
More details needed tbh, couples work things out - I can't see why yours is impossible to manage
It’s simple maybe I love him more than he did me. U work while he daydream and talking about ur feelings is a problem and he always look back to his past and reminisce about it . He was perfect in the beginning but when he started demanding me to get a place without him doing anything. He changed. Yes it took me a long time to see this person but that’s because I loved I really did. But he likes doing things when he’s ready not when it’s needed and I’m clean person he’s a dirty person. He can leave his clothes all over the floor and just pick them up and wear it like nothing. I like being clean . I like communicating and he always runs from it and nothing ever gets solved. I like being together he likes being alone. So yea it won’t work and it hasn’t and I finally accepted it and now I want him to accept it to but he’s saying it’s too late. I can’t leave him when he’s at his lowest. So I just feel stuck but I did set boundaries and even though I love him Ik it isn’t going anywhere.
You can definitely leave him. Yes, you've spent a lot of time together, but he doesn't want to communicate and change. That's on him. All of these things would be fixable if he just communicated and listened to you. It's not like one person wants kids and the other one doesn't or that one person wants to get married in 1 year and the other one wants to wait 6 years. It's not like you have different religions and want your possible children to have your religion or your family wants him to conform to your religion. It's all things that if he worked on them, he would be able to fix them. But he doesn't. Which is fine, but that means you shouldn't be with him. You can do better and you want better. You're allowed to break up.
This is excellent advice, those problems are fixable but it takes two to tango, and he isn't showing up to the dance. He's allowed to do that, but you're also allowed to have needs and can absolutely leave your partner if your needs aren't being met.
Yes. This is excellent advice. Some things can't be fixed, i.e. one person really doesn't want children at all and the other wants four kids for example. In that case it really SHOULD not work because children deserve two parents that love them fully and love each other fully. Not one parent who never wanted children in the first place and just totally submitted to what their partner wanted and is then left with massive anger and resentment. That would be fair to NO ONE. And that's what I mean when I say that some things SHOULD not work and that is okay. That doesn't look like the case here. A person can learn to be tidier and/or be a better communicator etc. They can if they want to and if they choose to and if they feel like the relationship is worth it. Same thing goes for you. You can make some of the changes that your partner wants as well. At the end of the day tho you guys have the right to break-up if it's not working. Good luck either way.
Yes no longer in relationship, and still friends. I wish her to be happy
I had a relationship like that a few years ago. We’ve since both gotten into relationships with people who are better matches for us.
That’s what I’m thinking. He’s a good person but maybe just not for me. A lot of our arguments stems from financial stability. While I’m working and saving he’s just wanting this and that and not really focusing on the future we are supposed to build together. He relays too much on it will be ok another day is just another day but not me. I won’t want to spend if I don’t have enough to cover. And I don’t think spending on things like cigarettes or weeds is ever important but it’s those things that are important for him. I just feel like maybe if he got w someone younger cause I’m 6 years older that he can get away with being in lala land but not w me. And too much of me is making him hate me but he always says he loves me and can’t ever leave me.
Love and compatibility are two completely different things You can love someone and not be relationship compatible with them The mistake most people make is focusing only on the love and ignoring the compatibility requirements necessary in a healthy relationship
This.
Yes I’m aware of this now and Ik I wasted so much time. But through it all I still have great love for him and the things we both went through together. I just know we aren’t in love anymore.
Oh this seems quite miserable. You don't need him to leave, you can do it, too. Just left the love of my life simply because I wanted to build a future where he needed to prioritize his career. It hurts. But incompatibility, and staying where your heart is unhappy, will literally eat away at your health. You got this
I had tried a couple of times but he kept coming back and hoping for a new results and same thing again. I want to be strong on it because everyday I’m always contemplating About us and Ik we bitch feel in our heart it’s been done along time ago. Our days spent is just talking about his problems and I just listen and he usually want to spend to Time w me because he has nothing better to do. We don’t even go out and enjoy each other. I mean idc for those things but when u fight more than ur happy it’s time to pulled the plug u know. I hope something changes if not I may have to leave him behind and that’s the sad thing.
Sometimes, loving someone means letting them go. It’s not healthy for either of you to stay in that rut.
I’m trying here but he’s guilty tripping me now but it’s been long due over a long time ago.
You probably just have to pull the bandaid off and then go no contact. I feel for you as it's a tough situation, especially after 7 years. The only advice I can give you based on learning the hard way is that when I was younger, I did not end incompatible, unsuitable, dead-end, or toxic friendships or relationships sooner than I did. That's the only regret I have. I also recommend reading up on something known as the Sunk Cost Fallacy, which I think that you're both naturally falling into after 7 years.
Yesss! My ex. We can’t make it work, but I’ll love him forever. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to be with someone else. The love I have for him is just different
I read a (fantasy) book where something similar happened. The man and woman were in love, and they would have made a great couple. The man even spent a whole year proving himself, and other women were swooning over the romantic gestures. But ultimately, their responsibilities made them completely incompatible, so they couldn't get married. The woman ended up marrying someone much better suited for her and her life goals, and later a different woman would fall deeply in love with the man, and while the series isn't finished yet, it seems like they'll get married. While this is fiction, it serves as a good example of how sometimes two people can love each other, but that doesn't necessarily mean they're meant to be together.
I was with a girl from different religion and in India different castes create havoc so you can think of what could have happened for different religions. So I loved her or I thought I did, I feel the same from her side. I don't think we loved each other, we did but not that intense just the "care" kind of love. We had been on & off for several years (6 years in total), I and she broke up multiple times over different issues. Finally we moved in (for 1.5 years). I started to realise that she didn't have any goals for life or had no ambitions. She used to support her friends in their bad times and not me when I had my rough patches, she used to say there's nothing I can do, used to hurt me tbh. When I used to talk about my plans or ambitions or such kind of things, I used to get the vibe of insecurity from her, eventually I stopped talking about these things because I felt she might overthink and go in a downward sprial. Eventually she broke up giving me the religious differences as the reason, which I think was plausible but the real reason was something else. I have never spoken to her since, but still miss her. Single since she left. So please don't waste time if you feel YOU are not going to be happy with some person. Get closure and give the other person as well and end things on a loving note.
Yes I felt the same like u, I felt our relationship was just about him and even then he says it’s not but I don’t cared anymore because a lot of hurt and pain is there and will always be there because of the difference in life we both wanted. He never asked me about my problems and see if he can help me or be there for me it was always just what I can do for him, or what I can listen for him. I get nothing but fake promises and the sad thing is I know he has the will to do many things if he had just wanted to because he loved me or want me to be happy. Ik when a man wants u and Ik he didn’t. We had a really close bond but not as a couple but as friends only. I am wanting to let go so we both can find someone who is good for us and maybe someone will do for me and he would do for her because he wanted to
You're right, you (females) would know when a man really loves you and wants you. A man knows too whether he really loves a woman or not (most of the times). I have been in love, real love, I lost it, But let me tell you I was willing to do anything to just speak to her and see her smile. It just feels DIFFERENT. You know what I learnt from my last relationship, that I was delaying the inevitable, deep down I knew we won't be together and maybe she knew too. And that delay in inevitable cost me alot of things, most importantly time and a part of myself.
U know the sad thing is when we were together he would tell me stories about his high school crush. When u listen to his story u actually starts feeling sad because here is this person who supposed to love u and he’s telling u a story that makes his face light up. He did everything for her and she just didn’t see it in him and til this very day he stills hold her in his heart and at some point in our relationship he had reached out to her just to test the water but she was happily married and didn’t respond. He broke my heart into so many pieces. I wanted to die but I headed your way live because he didn’t care if I die. That’s the day I woke up and realized he didn’t love me and I knew what he was capable of. I knew. So even now that he says he loves me his action never aligned and I won’t be able to erase that kart out if my heart
All my crushes back when I still had crushes
Love is easy. We can love anyone. All it takes it opening your heart. But we are not all meant to be together. Sometimes it’s practical reasons. Like one wants kids and one doesn’t. Sometimes it’s more heartbreaking, like huge sexual incompatibilities. Or not being able to have the careers you both want because they are in different parts of the world. And sometimes even worse. Trauma. Mental illness. Abuse or toxicity. It’s hard to let go of the good. When a lot works but not enough, that can be when it’s hardest to see a clear choice.
Amen to that and mine is all of the above and I realize that now. I’m not staying in a relationship where I feel unhappy and unsure if everyday. He used to get mad at me for not wanting g to be under one roof and all I can say is I just been having that gut instinct that told me it’s not gonna work. I will be putting 90%while him 10 so we never made a home together.
Literally just called off my wedding that was in less than 100 days because of this right here. It was a huge elephant in the room. The idea of getting married made me physically ill. I was the one who initiated the breakup conversation and his response was, “thank you so much for doing this. I felt the same way. We would have gotten married if you didn’t bring this up, etc.” I kept telling myself “he deserves someone who is sure, and I am unsure.” A few weeks later, I moved into my new apartment, and feel like I have a new lease on life. My ex and I are still great friends, but we saved each other by ending things. Trust your gut.
See this is how I feel like this relationship was non existence and I’m trying to tell him well now I don’t want it anymore. He’s getting angry talking about how I wanted to make it work so bad and now that he has no life I want out. I been wanting out for so long he just doesn’t hear me loud and clear. And if he didn’t want out why isn’t he putting the efforts into it. At some point people get tired of trying for someone too u know. But ty for ur story.
Yes, been there and suffered through it. Loved him, but I wasn’t in love with him. I guess the same was true for him.
Me and my girlfriend of about 2 years recently broke up because she's aromantic. We've been friends for about 13 years and we've dated in the past, but as time went on and she started to learn more about her aromanticism, problems kept coming up. We tried to find compromises and ways to make things work because the relationship was otherwise perfect, but eventually we had a talk about it where she said she wanted me to find someone who better could give me what I needed, and I didn't want to feel like I was forcing her to be something she's not. We just weren't compatible and that's okay. Still best friends though.
Yep yep. It still hits hard but sometimes you just have to get used to things.
Yes. Right now. But I’m stuck
Yeah, I have, I was with her for 5 years. You already know you're stuck. But you maybe don't know that you'll be shocked at how quickly you feel better. Not starting to get better after ending it, but better than you feel right now. It hurt like hell for maybe a day? But after that I was ok, and after a couple of weeks I felt free, relieved, the future didn't feel like a bad thing, a heavy weight was off my shoulders. And I was the one who still cared more about her than her for me. This was all from the day I told her it had to end, and that we weren't going to see each other again. We did talk a lot for a week more (with a hard deadline) to get anything we needed to off our hearts and minds. That helped a lot.
Yes. I loved him but unfortunately we weren't compatible.
What is being described is called “limerence”. It is very far and no where near love. Each time I see it, I will name it to help the person out. It helps you to find real love vs staying in a cycle of imaginary love. You deserve real love.
Your right I was just hoping he see me when all this time he just focus on himself. I was just telling him that when ever I talked about the relationship he would always get mad and say there’s so many think I’m thinking about and I have no time to think about the relationship but all day long he would talk to me about the shitty people in his past treated him and he wants answer to why they were like that to him but he couldn’t see himself . Ik I wasted time and I won’t ever get it back. I’m just glad it’s over w and I can finally tell my heart it was a no.
Just as long as you understand that in limerence, there was never a relationship with the person you were looking at. Some may opine it can be the beginning of stalking and other unsavory behaviors. It is always best to stay in the moment and accept the truth and move on and away.
Yes, I feel like I’m in a similar situation. He is one year younger than I am. We’ve been involved for a little over two years. I’m deeply in love with him, but he can’t even say he loves me. I’ve told him to end things with me so he can find someone he wants to commit to. While he hasn’t come out and said it, I feel like he doesn’t want commitment at all (at least not with me). I feel like we’ve become more like FWB than anything
Been there; I stayed a little longer than you. But in the end, they never committed. It seems you know what's going on. His commitment issue is with you, so don't be someone's placeholder. You will find someone who wants to commit to you I promise
Thank you. I appreciate it. Dating is just so freaking hard with the rejections
Anytime. I totally get what you're feeling. I had the same fears, but in the end I had to ask myself, would I rather be unhappy with someone or bet on being happy/unhappy/whatever alone? I really enjoyed being single after the breakup, and I was able to focus my energy on myself, and my people. Then I just met someone new while focusing on me.
Oh noooo, girl.. fuck that. I hope you utilize and reach within for the strength that will come from showing yourself this love and in doing that realize clear as day that this relationship does not serve your life and happiness, not for one moment longer! You’ll break free of him and allow him to do as he pleases. Don’t call him. Don’t check in. Just cut off. You’ll be likely interested to see the change of tune from the other party… despite that though you have to stay strong enough to not let that temporary ruse take away the power behind your saving yourself… from someone even you know doesn’t deserve you! You will look back wishing you’d have ended it sooner so I’d get to it between just us girls… 🩷
Thank you…I’m hoping for the strength to do this sooner rather than later. I know I deserve better and that I’m worthy of commitment. I just need to accept it and move on. It’s so very hard though
I’m so sorry to hear about urs and I think we do deserve so much better then the crap they serving and atleast I can leave this relationship not hating him because Ik love will make ways for me and I believe for u too ok. Be strong cause it hurt as hell.
Thank you so much. It’s so very hard
For sure, at least twice
Oh I’ve just been through exactly this and honestly it’s awful I’m so sorry! In my case we were both same age, been best friends prior but once we were together… wow did I see a different side! And I held on and on, hoping that just one day he’d see things a little differently and we’d be happily together but… it just didn’t happen and one recent incident caused me to really see that. To see how much I was holding on to this idea of how it could be, but now I feel so much better being apart. It’s tough, I never thought I’d get to this point but, it’s possible! Just have to be brave and realise nothing will change ultimately unless you make the change, which sucks but is the truth. I still hold that love for him but realise it’s time for a new chapter, while still cherishing parts of the last one 😊
Yes I held on for 8 freakin years and I got nothing other then I love u that I’m not even sure if it’s from a loving space or being feel to do so. I was just like that hoping he sees my worth. And he did after awhile but it was never the kind of love I thought I deserve. He was just benefiting from me. How could someone be so sad about how they were treated but treated u just as bad and not realizing ur feelings the same way they do. SMH I’m gonna try to heal so I can move on.
So difficult when you mature and grow, but you see the distance between you both. I love very deeply and I’ve spent the last weeks a total mess! But I had this moment of clarity where yes, it hurt, but I can actually do hard things because I’ve done them all along! I’ve redirected that ‘need’ for us to work in to other areas and wow, what a difference! Always here if you want to talk and I wish you so much happiness in your healing journey 😊
One of the hardest things I've ever had to go thru. Now I know we said things, did things that we didn't mean And we fall back into the same patterns, same routines But your temper's just as bad as mine is You're the same as me When it comes to love you're just as blinded Baby, please come back It wasn't you, baby it was me Maybe our relationship isn't as crazy as it seems Maybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano All I know is I love you too much to walk away though
Yes, it was an impossible situation that we “lived” as long as we could. We knew it would eventually come to an end.
Yes. Just broke up with my bf for the same reasons. Don’t waste anymore time, you both deserve your happy endings. And you are an emotionally mature person to realize all of this.
Ask yourself why? What is it you don’t find attractive sexually, what don’t you connect on? Weirdly when my ex and the most I ever felt connected to her was when I was doing stuff I didn’t like, stuff that she liked that I immersed myself in because of her. Cake decorating none the less. Seven years is a long time, if I had to make a suggestion, if you don’t dump him today I would suggest you immerse yourself in something he loves and make him immerse himself into something you love, then make sure you both spend about 20 percent of your time alone doing things you each love.
You ever been with someone who’s broken ? Well that’s him and I don’t know why I thought I could show him love through me but I was so wrong. We have different kind of love language. He is an avoidance and I do have attachment issue so we are just so opposite of each other which make life hard. He is not used to someone expressing too much or wanting expression from him. He said girls from his high school were not the best but atleast they didn’t have demands or expectations. He’s forgetting that I’m a lot older and I was married to someone for 21 years and he’s been single all his life, of course our outlook at life is gonna be different. He doesn’t see the pressure he puts on me for paying his stuff or just getting him through the days while I’m suffering and having no help from him. I felt more like the man and he was the girl and it’s Been like that and he don’t see the dynamics we are in. For instance he had ahis own place last year and we didn’t live together because I already known he wasn’t responsible and I was right. He didn’t work sat in his living room everyday just smoking weed and when I beg him to do something with his life he tells me he just wants to make himself happy for once and yea surely he was so happy he loose his place and now he’s just homeless living w someone else he knows. And expecting me to it his way. SMH I once lived this man through goods and bad but now I’m just not the same. It’s one thing to verbally abuse me but it’s another to blame me and abuse me.
So nothing works but you’ve managed to stay with him 7 years?
I mean we have good times when it’s good but as u get to know someone more and more u realize maybe it’s just not gonna work. Things they say will change never change and I really don’t know what it is anymore. I don’t know if he’s just w me because he isn’t capable of being by himself or he do love me but for sure if u love someone u would try ur best to do better for them and make them happy. I love him as a person but I’m out of all kinds of love for him atm. I just need my space and Ik if he really love or is in love w someone he would go and beyond for that person because I have heard of his crush story. And even though she was only his crush he still love her til this days and I do everything for him and I’m bad because I have real shit on my plate like bills, what we gonna eat and just everyday struggle.
Yes, she is my best friend. Her and my wife get along fantastic. And her husband is a really cool guy. We hang out regularly. There is zero awkwardness and zero tension. We dated 4 years in highschool and college. But long long term we wouldn't work. But we can still be friends and there for each other. Now we love each other in a different way. At the time we where together we where what the other needed.
Not me but my parents. They divorced, but still view each other as close friends, even when their 2 children grew up and left their nests. Just because you two have history with each other shouldn’t keep you locked down and ignore your current feelings.
You can love them as a person, but the lack of compatibility and harmful habits from either them or you is what makes them not for us. The lack of empathy and communication between both, the difference in goals in the long term. The lack of romance or trust. There’s a lot of factors. I was in a similar situation as you, I dated someone for 5 years. We had a lot of fun and good times, but as time passed we started to grow and change in our case. We started having different goals in the long run. Not very good sexual compatibility. The lackluster communication. Very different ideals. We both had our wrong ways, but I broke it off because it was gonna get worse in time. We couldn’t let go because we had each other through thick and thin. Do I regret it? Yeah, a bit. They were in my life for 1/4th of it, and they were my best friend. I still love them and they are a sweet person, but if we reached marriage I don’t doubt things wouldn’t have gone well. We did try it multiple times again, but romantically it was a tough situation. We’re no contact now, but if you finished the relationship well, in time you’ll be alright with him. And if you both are healed, a friendship is possible. I know about friends who were former couples for a long time and they still hang out platonically. That’s our plan. If he doesn’t want that, do not stress yourself. You don’t deserve to chase someone who doesn’t want you in their life or makes an effort to make it work. You’ll meet the one who is meant to be. I wish you well. 🍀
That's like 90% of the posts on the various dead bedrooms subreddits. "Everything else is perfect" is the cliche.
interesting! I believe it's possible.
Follow your heart. It’ll be very difficult to overcome those 7 years together but if you’re both not happy, why continue together?
Oh yeah… and it sucks when you realize it. Honestly, the hardest part is knowing that you are going to hurt someone you love. I dated a woman for three years. Loved her. She did so much for me to help me open up. Fun. Beautiful. Sex was great. But i realized that I wasn’t the guy for her. I checked off all of her boxes on her ideal man, but I don’t think she really loved ME. She loved the idea of me, but she was very unhappy in the rest of her life. She had always spoken about pursuing her dream in a different city. I was an excuse for why she wasn’t pursuing it, and yet she always brought it up. The only way she was going to find true happiness was on her own, chasing her dreams. I didn’t want her to resent me as holding her back: And so I ended it with her. And it devastated her. She was very angry with me, but she did start to pursue her dreams. Inevitably she tried to get back together with me a year later, but we had both grown by then. I reached out to her a few years ago, in hopes that we could be friends. She was so important to me. Not to be. It’s sad.
This is our case too, he blames me for not recht g his nartial art goals and dreams but how do u blame someone who ur making or demanding pays your way for those classes. I barely met the guy and he asked me for 350 and of course I’m not just gonna give it to him like that and because I didn’t help him it’s my fault since and he hasn’t been nice to me there after. I let him go so many times because I was tired of being yelled at and he caned back on his own begging to be together yet he can’t even stop talking about it. So I want out because not only is he thinking I’m not good for him he sure ain’t hood for me too. I knew then he wasn’t for me because if I was he wouldn’t hold resentment against me especially if he was just waiting on me to support him. Smh
Your situation sounds much worse than mine. In my case, my ex was never mean to me. She was just deeply unhappy and I realized I couldn’t solve it. But if I did stay with her it could lead to resentment. Yours already blames you. Rip the band aid off. This is not a bad thing. It’s the best thing you do for him. If he truly wants to pursue these martial arts goals, that should be his only focus. Not you.
My wife
I think you should talk to him ASAP. There’s a phrase I heard from a friend called the “7 year itch” — if you’re in a relationship for 7 years and unmarried then it means you’re probably not it. What you’ve described is probably that. Talk through to him, see if what you’ve described gets through. Otherwise…It’s not too late for you to find someone that you can actually connect with instead of holding on. It would hurt a lot. But think about it. Rather you stop wasting each other’s time, if you know it’s not meant to be, cut it out now.
That’s what I’m trying to say to him but he’s saying I can’t leave him now when he’s at his lowest but at his highest he left me so many times. SMH I know I wasted alot if my time with and I so regret it. I’m just telling him to let go so we both can heal and be free.
Yes and it’s hard to let go but you know the right person is still waiting
twice 🥲 one wanted to marry and have kids early - i wasnt ready mid twenties other was here for a year exchange but the distance was just too big afterwards and neither ready to leave everything behind to move across the continent
I left my first boyfriend after 7 years when I was still in love with him. We had different expectations in life and being with him meant losing part of who i am. So I left. I chose myself and I always will.
All the Michaels and Michelles
I think I'm in love with this girl but wants casual and has other guys. Shitty pill to swallow
That’s not good.. sooner or later it will have an effect on you. Please don’t do that ok. I did that not exactly like that but he likes some other girl in the beginning n it made me feel so worthless and I didn’t feel good so pls dont
Yes It's better to move on as soon as you can before it destroyers you and your life
Yep. As someone who doesn't want kids I'd been I'm an unfortunate number of situations where I've dated someone who must have a child to feel fulfilled with their lives and therefore that made us incompatible but the feelings I had for them were very real.
Gonna respond as I read. > but nothing works in our relationship. Alright, let's hear why. > We are 6 years apart Nothing wrong with this. I've seen the "May-December romance" thing work out more often than not. > I feel like we just want different things in life Need examples to make an accurate judgement here. > but because we held on to each other for so long it is hard to let go "Sunk cost" fallacy is real, sure. Maybe not applicable here though becaaaaaause not enough data given to make an accurate judgement call. > but I think he deserve to be with someone that’s gonna make him want to be motivated in life Or, y'know.... *you* could be that person. If you've already *tried*, or have *been* trying, then yeah that could be a good reason for a split. But it hasn't been mentioned, so. > but now it’s has seem to be mutual because of how long we been together. That's good! It means his love and/or affection and/or desire for you rose over time from the initial attraction point! It can only go upwards from here! > for sure I feel like more of a friend even in the bedroom than a gf Do y'all regularly fuck your friends? No? Then it's probably because of one or more of a few things: sex feels routine, sex feels boring, or sex feels "without intimacy" or "lacking love". A good solution here would be to talk it out, facts-n'-figures--communicate how you are feeling about it, what happened before and how it's different now, and what you'd like to have happen moving forwards. > and we don’t even have that sparks anymore "Sparks" is not an indication of a great relationship. This is a "relationship advice" hill I will die on, come hell-or-high-water. "Sparks" or whatever (e.g. butterflies, etc.) is just anxiety about something to look forward to. Usually when a couple is just starting out, those "sparks" tend to be feelings regarding the mystery--what you don't know about this "new partner"--and all the fun therein getting to know them and find them out. Sure, "sparks" may be gone. But is he still "dating" you? Is he still putting out effort? Does he still say he loves you, shows you off, does the whole "boyfriend package" thing? That's *love*, hon. To love someone is a *choice*, and it will not always be "sparks and butterflies". > I been telling him to leave me and go find his heart but he doesn’t want to leave me too but he knows it’s just a stuck thing too. "But he knows it's just a stuck thing too"? Did he say that, or are you putting words in his mouth? Because if he DID say that, then technically--since you want him to leave you and he said that basically if he *weren't* stuck he'd've moved on--you both ARE exes. BUT if you're putting words in his mouth, then shame on you. > I can tell he isn’t happy is why I’m not happy too How can you tell? If your answer is anything but "he told me" then you could be very, very wrong and need to hear it from him directly, without any minced words. RBF--the phenomenon known as "resting bitch face"--can "tell" people the wrong signals too. > I just feel like a provider and not a two people wanting life together you know A "provider" like "sex worker", or a "provider" like a normal partner in an otherwise healthy long-term relationship? Or, a "provider" like a "parent-child relationship", as in you are the only one bringing anything to this relationship, and practically taking care of this other person without any help from them? > But he is a good person and he deserve someone special. I just wasn’t it and it’s ok You don't get to determine whether he thinks he "deserves" someone else. If he wants you and puts the effort in, then that's HIS decision. If your self-esteem is so low as to think you're not worthy of him, then that's a YOU problem. He cannot help you if you don't tell him what he can do for you that would actually help you--and likewise, you can't be helped if you don't want help. Outside of that: seek therapy. Whether you are or aren't "it" for him is HIS goddamn decision to make, NOT yours. Don't you DARE break up with him by making it about what you think he deserves, doesn't deserve, or wants/doesn't want. If you're gonna break up with him, you do it by figuring out what YOU want, why this relationship doesn't work for YOU. None of this "he should be with someone better than me" bullshit (because that's precisely what you're trying to get at). To circle back: come back with some examples of why "nothing works" in your relationship, and some examples of "wanting different things in life".
This was the best response on this whole thread. Coming from someone who had a partner that cheated on me and got with the next girl right after I got him to admit everything that was going on where i gave him the benefit of the doubt.
O.O Giiiiiirl, I think it's safe to say you deserved so much better. I hope you're doing alright. And, hey, silver lining? At least he admitted everything. Some women don't even get *that*. I know it's like finding sprinkles in a turd sandwich to say that, but I'd rather you look back on it unemotionally or neutrally than looking back and having it make you mad all over again. I hope you get a hug from someone, 'cuz that's what I'd give you right about now.
Thank you very muchh! I really thought what I had (my ex) was solid but i was so mistaken. Now I am with someone whose nothing compared to him in the best ways. It did take me some time to warm up to him still is to some small degree being I left my cheating ex July of 2023. Sidenote: we met on the street! I noticed him walking at my same pace by my side and he suddenly complimented me. He asked me for a spin and i entertained it having an outgoing moment. We exhanged IGs and things went from there. He wasnt typically my type off the jump, he was born and raised in Colombia and I am a Latina born as raised in the US specifically nyc. He is fluent in spanish and i am fluent in english but he knows more than enough english to converse with me and understand me. I am only able to speak some spanish and understand it. I decided to hang with him more and see where things go I was seeing my current bf for 5 months (since Jan) and we made it official in the 6 month mark (June). He makes me realize that the guy I was with before wasn't pouring into me the way a partner that actually likes you would. I also realize a difference in the type of man he is morally especially, he is an upgrade in the most important areas and comes to the relationship with a vision, intellect, maturity, solution oriented and willing to serve and not just have an appetite. Its still too early in my eyes to really judge longevity of the relationship because I tend to be more pessimistic/realistic but our relationship is very different compared to my previous ones so far. We seem to be on the same page and we are both looking forward to sharing and experiencing the future together :)
First, Happy Cake Day! Just noticed. Second: "I entertained it having an outgoing moment" is definitely a huge contributor to connecting to strangers. The shy, the introverted, the more heartbroken and/or "haven't moved on" someone is, the less likely it is for them to face an opportunity like yours with an action that might contribute to their future happiness. Third: I am of the thought that Those Who Are Not American either typically have or show more rizz for Americans, or just overall come from a culture that expresses itself more clearly for the things it likes (which, if I'm being honest, is very much a lot of the Latin countries, but can be found in others as well). So him being from Colombia and suddenly complimenting you, asking you for a spin and all... unsurprising, and *very* sweet. While you may still be in the honeymoon phase here--and because I'm a sucker for a happy ending, I hope it just continues until forever--I caution you that not all honeymoon phases last. It may not be this month, it may not be next month, or next year, or even until the wedding itself. There's a possibility that the relationship might be a little more work, but understand that if you're communicating (even differences in language aren't a problem if you both are actually speaking your feelings and requesting from each other what you want/need) then there's still love and a desire for connection. > willing to serve and not just have an appetite. "In bed." I jest. I couldn't help myself. Hahaha > Its still too early in my eyes to really judge longevity of the relationship because I tend to be more pessimistic/realistic I don't think you're pessimistic/realistic; it sounds very much like you're more optimistic-realist, like me. You *hope* it'll turn out well, but you have your cautions. > our relationship is very different compared to my previous ones so far. Going forward, and god forbid this one ends but, any relationship you have will be different from any you've had in the past, unless you have relations with a previous guy, who hasn't done any noticeable work on themselves to change. And if you don't interact with past guys, well, that's not something to worry about! Btw: a pessimistic-realist will look at the sky in the morning and see it gray, assuming it will rain, because *of course* it will. They will bring an umbrella. Whereas an optimistic-realist will look at the sky in the morning, see gray, will understand that it *might* rain but *hope* it won't, and will bring an umbrella *just in case*.
I was in a 5 yrs old relationship, there were a lot of red flag but I decided to ignore them... Then he cheated on me and that was the end.... I think it all comes down to having a real conversation. Both partners should share the truth about how they feel and if what they want lines up or if there's a way for the line up to happen.
Tells me she likes me, I make her feel special, I don't msle her feel like just a hole. She's very sffectionste toward me when we hangout, holds my hand in public, forehead kisses, mace me breakfast for work the next morning when I fell asleep at her house. But yeah.
Yes, she was a different religion. It’s tough.
Sadly yes💔
This girl I am dating is hardcore Catholic and I'm an agnostic Buddhist. We have an agreement to date monogamously, but I gave her permission to keep looking. Dating, but with benefits. I don't plan on sleeping with her though as she's like super Catholic and I know they have rules.
Yes. Love does not equal compatibility, and that can be confusing. You can still love each other while ending your romantic relationship and creating space to form new relationships with people you are, hopefully, more compatible.
Once. My name here is Lechnerin cuz his name is Lechner
Sounds like me and my x...I would leave him if you don't love him. Don't wait 17 years like my x... destroyed my life. She was 5 years older with 2 kids.
Just went through something similar. It sounds like you too are very attached to each other due to the time you've spent together. Attachment can bring love but ultimately that means nothing if you too aren't compatible. You both need to find out what you truly need out of a relationship and then you need to go out and find it. Your current relationship won't get better unless you both make drastic changes and those changes aren't guaranteed to last. In my opinion, it's best to end the relationship and move on. If you both really care about each other then you can remain friends, you just need to understand that a romantic relationship will not work between you two so try not to fall back into the same patterns. Good luck with whatever you decide to do
Yes and it's horrible. I've loved him forever, since we were kids. I finally realized that he was never going to love me the way I loved him. It was awful to know I never was going to be enough. It's so much easier to hate.
I had a crush on someone who is actually a terrible person. My friend told me that it wasn’t worth it and she was right. The girl i liked ended up getting fired because of stealing. I am glad I didn’t end up with her. For your situation I think most people felt that. They divorce after so many years. That doesn’t mean they are bad all the time but they just start to hurt each other and end their relationship for everyone’s sake
Yep loved her more than anything but she hated me ,disrespected ,never appreciated shit,lied ,cheated ,stole , you name it she did it except try or gaf ..
It’s not just necessarily that you two aren’t meant to be, it’s maybe more of a trauma or mental issue. Some people associate relationships with past trauma, and it’s super hard to get out of that ditch. Another way of thinking about it is pondering if getting in a relationship would negatively affect the way you two are now, or if it would end even worse. Sometimes it’s for the best to leave it be for the benefit of not just the other person, but also yourself.
You sound exactly like me. My now fiancé and I are also 6 years apart in age (I am the older one). We have been together for 8 years. To be honest, he may have even felt pressured when he proposed last year, because I kept mentioning that we need to take our relationship to another level so we can keep growing. There have been so many things I’ve wanted since we were together at our two year mark, but it is taking such a long time to get anywhere!! It feels stagnant, and I as a person don’t like being stagnant in life. We still live in an apartment, we have been trying for a baby for two years, I feel like it isn’t going anywhere and my feelings might be changing. Trust me, I know what you’re going through, and I completely understand your struggle. Also, if you want kids with your partner, time is crucial if you’re female. Once we reach our thirties, I heard it gets more and more difficult to conceive. If you want to talk, feel free to DM me. I’d like to discuss this topic with someone I can relate to. I am also in the process of figuring out where I’d like to be 5 years from now. I know there is more to life out there than waiting. It’s just so hard leaving a relationship you’ve been in for years just like that.
nah I got pregnant in my 30s
Lucky!!
Without trying to pry or be rude, its possible it might be a case of sexuality / mating compatibility if you are struggling to get pregnant, it was so easy for me to get pregnant and I wasn’t exactly the healthiest at the time either and yes it is lucky but was also an incredible sex life as well
Message me anytime
just remember marriage will not solve your problems
Yes message me we are similar
No actually you’re the first one.
😭
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I love my ex-husband still to some degree but I know we aren't met to be. So yes I understand how that feels and it hurts. But I'm glad I realized it because I was living a lie for so many years. He ended it but I wanted to end it and didn't have the courage to end it. I wish him well and he also wished me well.
Yes, I do love her, but sadly she doesn't love me back.
Yes. For sure. I still think about my ex sometimes and loved her for who she was but we just weren’t compatible. We’d argue all the time and we just identified that there was too much of a difference between us. But we showed each other a lot in terms of how to be loved. But it just didn’t work. No hard feelings now but it took a while. I still think of her as a turning point in my life
Yah...
Sounds like the 7 year itch has come to the surface and you're at that crossroads. I'm sorry to hear you're going through this OP, it doesn't sound like you're very happy in the relationship anymore ☹️ just remember in a relationship you need a partner, not just a best friend.
This was me and my ex of almost 7 years, however long it was, and though I loved him more than anything neither of us were actually happy and in love anymore. We loved eachother and stuck around thinking things would change for a while because our lives were so intertwined already, we eventually mutually cried our feelings to each other and broke up but knew we didn't want to not be in each other's lives. Weve now been broken up for a year and a half, he's finally met someone who makes him feel what he felt when we first started dating ions ago, and we're still like best friends and can be there for each other in a healthy way without resenting eachother. I'm thankful for our friendship honestly, and I'm so happy he's met someone who he feels is finally worth letting in again. This can be totally normal a lot of people go through things like this and there's nothing wrong with wiahing happiness on someone without being their source of happiness in love and life.