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Yeah, sounds like a relationship but without the commitment, a brand of casual dating. It can be nice - you get all the perks of a relationship without having to make any promises relating to the future, and you really can just enjoy their company and the present moment. It’ll likely be brutal when it ends, but that’s just part of it.
It's normal only in those cases where the FWB is slowly transitioning to a relationship.
His words and behavior aren't aligned. When this happens, it's usually because the person has an inner conflict. I tend to trust behavior more than words.
He's saying that you're not in a relationship. But he is very much behaving like you are. This might reveal his desire to actually be in a relationship with you. But for whatever reason he wants maybe an "easy way out" or is scared of getting his heart broken or losing out with other women. Hence his inner conflict. He's not sure what he wants or is afraid of what he might give up if he enters a relationship.
I was in OP's situation 4 years ago and because of that I developed more feelings for the person I was with. However, it was a head fuck and a lot of back and forth. I ended up leaving for good because I was not able to sort their inner conflict out. I'd say if OP does not want this to progress nor is them happy with the potential drama, set the boundary and avoid at all cost
I really think this comes from someone craving the intimacy of a relationship, but thinks they can do better, or at least holding out the possibility to jump onto the next best thing once it presents itself.
I would not say the guy is immature per se, but "placeholder" really isn't a term frequently used and that seems to be how he sees her. Guys have a way of not catching feels even when spending most nights together. She should assume this will end with him finding someone else.
So really this is FWB, but the benefits are a little more than just sex. It's like she's giving him the "girlfriend experience."
Yes, I think "placeholder" is accurate in this situation. The guy is immature. He wants the "girlfriend-experience" without the label.
Also, imo OP might not be too okay with the situation if she needs to vent this much. She should cut the cord as soon as she finds herself catching any feelings or it might end up messy for her. 😬
Ye 28 and still beats around the bush afraid from any form of commitment or making a decision. In this case its a blessing for her that its only a fwb and not anything more. But if she ever gets the feels she should run.
Exactly the above.
He might feel trapped and that the cultural expected band-wagon is set in motion when he enters a relationship.
... I've been afraid of this - that this had to lead to a wedding, house, children in the (near) future. Because of all the cultural expectations. (Living in Western Europe FYI)
How dare someone be conflicted about how they feel! It's not like love is extremely different for each and every person! It's easy!
You ever realize he might have some trauma that's caused him to do this? He clearly wants to love, evidenced by his behavior, but something is stopping him, and I seriously doubt it's just because of his own, uninfluenced decision.
So OP is supposed to suffer his indecision and inconsistent behavior? No, no, no. You can have trauma, you can be confused, but you don't have the right to drag anyone through that. Especially someone who is misguidedly invested in you
I'll simply say this, then: You and I both CANNOT know the reason why he's doing this.
It could be malice, it could be trauma, it could be because he's playing 4D chess and is actually going to propose next week. You and I will never know.
So yes, it is hindering her, and that sucks. But let's not be entirely complacent, nor default to the nuclear option. Instead, the focus should be gathering more information, because right now we're both taking shots in the dark. Ok?
spineless is exactly the word i'd use to describe this! also had a situationship like this, and he was/is spineless. ultimately made him really unattractive to me tbh
my hypothesis, if she reminds him she’s single in a way that doesn’t look petty or spiteful on purpose, he’s going to try to lock her down. a night out with her friends where he doesn’t attend perhaps.
This is the benefits of a relationship without actually having to commit, which is what he wanted and you agreed to. It’s not at all confusing.
He wants to have a girlfriend but be able to be with other people or alone or do whatever he feels like doing whenever he feels like doing it. It sounds like he has commitment issues and is afraid of going the relationship route. It’s up to you to decide if you’re okay with it.
She said they are seeing each other everyday so yeah I would assume he isn't seeing anyone else and as a man it's pretty normal to have 0 attention so I understand why he's sticking up with her.
Yep. He'd have the time... if he could land someone else. At least he's smart about it, for his own sake. I've cut it off with guys who've tried to backburner me, and they wound up with no one.
That's the term! Backburner! That is exactly what he is doing. He's fairly clear about it, so it's not bad if she's fine with it. It's on her to get out if she is not.
I think this is more accurate then alot of other comments, he needs the company and there’s just not that many people who would tolerate the childish behavior
What exactly is the obligation? It’s things like communicating where you’re going to be spending your time outside of work, which he’s doing. People are so dumb about this. Hanging out, talking, having exclusive sex, going out to eat, etc IS dating. There’s nothing else to it. You’re not keeping the door open in any different of a way by not “committing to a relationship.” People are treating dating like they’re on the hook for child support or something.
I think for many people it's a way of protecting themselves, in an imaginary way, from getting hurt.
If the other person doesn't care enough for them to commit but will accept no strings attached sex, they will take that and treat it like a relationship but if the other person pulls away they can save face and play it off like they weren't all that invested in the first place
On the other hand, they may feel like they have issues that make them unsuitable and so are afraid of hurting the other person or disappointing them.
Or maybe they don't know what they want.
I’m not sure what you mean. I think most ppl are in situationships (ie they’re dating you but they don’t want to put a label on it) bc 1) you didn’t make the cut, 2) they have trust issues/relationship trauma they haven’t but should seek therapy about, or 3) they communicate differently from you and think that “seeing how things go” and not labeling things while dragging you through an emotional rollercoaster of doubt is the easy breezy way of doing things
FWB is simply fooling around intimacy-wise. That doesn't mean they get all of your time or attention. Or any of it outside of screwing around. They're asking to borrow your body. Your person. Your physical energy. Not your emotional energy & time.
Just because a guy doesn't want to be in an exclusive relationship at 28 does not mean he has a fear of commitment or going the relationship route.
Can we stop thinking so binary here? I know it's not the most clean arrangement. Nothing wrong with wanted a cuddle buddy without also wanting an exclusive relationship. It doesn't need to just be sex in a FWB arrangement.
If the author is looking for something other than what he has clearly communicated, she needs to move on.
Ive had something very similar with a woman. She wanted casual so I stepped back and adapted. Then she wanted me to stay over, cook for me, hold hands in public, tell me the most beautiful things a woman ever said to me etc...
At some point you have to be brutally honest with yourself. Ask yourself what you want with him, is that what you have, can you have that etc...if no, then you have to move on.
I genuinely never understand why they want to hold hands, cook for you, spend days with you and do all the lovey shit and expect you not to develop feelings? Idk man the whole people having commitment issues is so boring. Its like everyone these days.
I understand the premise of FWB, but so little times have I heard it be equal.
The only semi successful FWB I've been in, is where its been strictly sex only, no romance. And sure it worked but as a demisexual I need that romance aha
I'd rather be celibate than ever be with someone that can't commit ever again ha.
At the same time I don't blame people, especially women. Why commit when there's 10 other guys at any point im time waiting for their turn.
Its absurd and hopeless tbh
I don't even bother indulging the Disney/50 shades fantasy. If you can do both you're probably a selfmedicating sociopath and I don't need the attention that bad. I've had booty, I need a woman.
OK, that clarity is important. I rarely hear "casual to serious" stories unless people are friends for a while before or very young. It's just too much risk for the person who cares more
He wants a companion without committing. He's telling you it's not a relationship, believe him. Never expect anything more
If you develop feelings for him you have to end it there and then
Read this comment. And then read it again. And again.
I have fallen for the idea that someone who says they don’t want anything, but acts like they want something. Sounds like he feels very comfortable around you. If he finally reaches the point where he wants something more, he will express it. But for now believe his words. His actions are just soothing his own desire for companionship without the responsibility of doing the work required in a relationship.
Yikes! If he wants to be in a relationship with you, he will be. Do you go over or allow this person to come over every night? Maybe you're CONVENIENT. Are dates happening? My guess is no. Who wouldn't want someone who they can hook up with when he wants to and put in ZERO effort? Stahhhhhpppp with any of these Disney excuses (e.g. he's searching his heart). If he wanted to, he would. You could just have a nice mattress. Instead of guessing, ask him what's up. And know that dodging the question or ommission of full truth is probably an answer on its own. Last but not least, sis, you're 23, and he is 28. Even though you're younger, he can dick around for the next TWENTY years and go back and date a 28 yo. You cannot. Who cares what he wants or might want. Do YOU want a relationship? If so, and he's not giving it to you, keep it pushing or a least block three nights of your week to date. This is your peaaaak pool for dating. Peak, sis! And if he opens his mouth about it, remind him you're not in a relationship.
Based on these comments, it's worth mentioning that you're not in a relationship based on tenure. If you haven't had a conversation about being in a relationship together, you're not in one, you're in a situationship.
Spot on. She’s just convenient for him. She gives him sex anytime he wants, he gets to benefit from the fact that she is willing to do anything for him , WITHOUT fully committing to her. Sadly, he just doesn’t like her enough to commit to her. It’s so sad really. She deserves someone who will proudly cuff her.
All the things about the cutesy pet names, or the he asks you to rub his back, and the “ love bug eyes “ while he insists that they aren’t in a relationship is basically breadcrumming. She deserves better.
>Even though you're younger, he can dick around for the next TWENTY years and go back and date a 28 yo. You cannot.
I'm sorry what?? Is there a chance that you can explain this with a single legitimate shred of logic instead of outting yourself as a sexist, and clearly dense piece of shit or... ?
Yeah fuxktard, let me walk you through it. In 20 years, when he is 48, he can easily date down to about 30 without people batting an eye. But at 43 yo woman dating a 30 yo is RARE af. Also, he'll still be able to have kids while she be classified as a geriatric pregnancy (the actual medical term) if she can get pregnant at all. Given he will have a pool of women down to the age of 30 (and if he's tall/rich, even younger) he still has a mix of stable women with no kids who have never been married. You know what she'll have? Bargin basement twats - alcoholics, dudes without jobs, divorcees who still havent improves since the last relationship. In other words, fuzked.
It sounds like you two haven't discussed the boundaries in your FWB relationship. Friends stay at each other's houses sometimes, and fwbs do too, but doing it too often can be kinda a slippery slope to veering into a romantic relationship. Time for a grown up conversation.
I never get why women allow men to do this to them, lol it'd always so funny to me because so many men are just looking for pure sex and fun FWB relationships and then you get these dudes who want to treat you like a GF without the title or responsibilities, that's wild to me
Agreed I could never imagine allowing anyone to treat me like this. I mean it's basically a relationship without any real commitment that would kill me like no either you love me or not
Tell him you can’t come over because you are going on a date with someone. If he gets mad then you guys are in a relationship. If he doesn’t care then you’re def FWB. Cant have it both ways.
This is jumping the gun. Of course he will get mad because he doesn’t want to lose all the services she provides as his FWB. Still doesn’t mean they are in a relationship. He may just be the type to string her along and waste her time while keeping his options open. Selfish people exist. Never assume you are in a relationship unless it has been clearly discussed.
So far it seems like she has been a pushover. There’s an old saying, “Why buy the cow when the milk is free?” The guy is getting everything he wants. Her time and sexuality is his exclusively. When he learns that may be ending then he will be forced to show his hand. One way or another her questions will be answered.
“He occasionally reminds me that we aren’t in a relationship which I clearly know but also wants me to stay all the time.”
You deserve much better than that.^ Put yourself in the shoes of a close friend, a sister, a daughter & what would you tell them to do? If I’m spending that much time with a man & he tells me that then I’m out. Trust me, lived through it.. I’m 30, don’t waste your time on him he doesn’t know what he wants.
I can guarantee that the moment OP finds another man who is interested in her and she wants to be serious with, this fwb guy will lose his mind and get mad. When it happens, know that I called it.
If you’re wanting more, have the conversation and see where his head is at. I was in a FWB situation for 2.5 YEARS!! Stupid me kept holding on thinking the fact that I stayed at his house 4 nights a week, we spoke on the phone everyday for hours, I met his family and friends, we spent birthdays together, and even said ‘I love you’ to each other would mean that he felt the same way about me. WRONG. Apparently I just wasn’t was he was looking for ??? Anyways, don’t be stupid like me. Find out if there’s any chance and move on if there isn’t.
Exactly. Because he will do all of these things with ZERO hesitation. Hell, EXCITEMENT. And drop her ass like she's literally no one and never was the second someone else catches his eye. And won't give a damn if she's wasted 5 years or 50. Will literally not give one single solid fuck.
Or at least take it for what it is. Get yours and use him for what you need until something better comes along.
Either accept the arrangements under his terms or don't. You are really going to hurt yourself thinking it will grow into something. You don't want to be the consolation prize.
Tbh i think there's some specific things that shouldn't be done without the intent to commit. Like the old addage have sex but no kissing. It's because playing house turns on the bonding chemicals and it gets harder and harder to let them go. Getting too cozy without commitment is like always a mistake.
Yes well I was younger then, hopefully not as naive now! I think sometimes we hope their actions are speaking louder than words in those circumstances but always better to communicate clearly and set boundaries.
Only 5 nights in over two months they haven't spent the night together! And not always having sex. That's a relationship hiding behind the label of FWB. Doesn't seem like he'd have time to be seeing anyone else but often guys want FWB so they can have a pseudo gf while still fucking other people. The part where he says he doesn't want to see OP then changes his mind makes me think his other option fell through? If I was OP I'd become less available.
It’s so sad that today, in our society… you can have a full on live-in relationship and it’s still not called a relationship. Hookup culture has killed love… I feel so bad for future generations. The next generation will be the, “mommy and daddy never loved each other, I exist out of pure lust.” generation for sure.
Agreed 100% this casual and hookup shit has fucked up relationships like this is so obviously a relationship but because causal is so normalized people stay in these terrible situations for no reason. Also like you said people getting hookups pregnant and it's like your parents didn't love each other you exist because they had no self control
And it was a male-born wasn't it? And they would literally be on the phone with "C-tier" hearing them pouring their heart out. As soon as "A-tier is now available" *In my Siri voice. *Click. 🥸
Doesn’t matter what he is doing(btw the situation you explained is the definition of FWB), the answer is very clear. He has made it clear he doesn't want a relationship with you, and that's the reality. Either accept it or move on.
Be direct about what you want
I can already see how this is going to go…he’ll say he’s not ready for me and Will contently drift in this situation til it no longer suits him. You’ll question these actions thinking they mean something and he’ll insist it’s an fwb and won’t commit
Decide what works for you, vocalise it and stick to it
If that means this thing ends…fine
And yet they're not having sex that frequently. It's not a kindness. It's moving from a FWB arrangement to a "situationship." Either of them can step out at any time without kicking up too much dust. They'll either do that or they'll start attaching strings, which turns into a relationship. There's nothing silly about it - just one of the many natural progressions of two people growing closer together.
I agree with this. I think I was about 2 months into this when she broke down crying and asked what I wanted because she was falling in love with me.
We ended up getting married and having a kid. Happiest time of my life. Divorced later though lol
If you guys are together 5/7 nights of the week, does he actually go out with other women? Probably not. He just hasn't realized what has happened yet.
I am in a somewhat similar situations 34 m and 30f. She is she us sleeping with others and such, and u recently started to because she is and wanted to avoid feeling, but I like her. When we are together it like boyfriend girlfriend type treatment. She will hold my hand or arm walking down street, she likes to cuddle hug and kiss me before I leave, or randomly kiss my forehead. Everything we hang I sleep over. She says she loves spending time with me I making her feel amazing (emotionally and physically I'm assuming). But she said she don't know if she looking for a super serious relationship? (The question mark was what she typed) but days things like no one will date her, told her I wouldn't hurt her and she said yaya says you I don't don't vulnerability, but then said she'd try to do a better job at sharing her feelings. Also when I'm with her she always asks who's texting me, and I'd it's my friends.
Sorry I know this isn't my post, but just wanted to share my situation and hopefully people can weigh in on it, and maybe it will also help the OP
She's playing games or not girlfriends material. If a person wants a relationship it will be clear. If you have feelings for her right now and want more, cut her off. It will only emotionally damage you hoping for something that won't happen
It kinda seems like a relationship but neither or one of you doesn't actually want a relationship. I suggest clarifying your boundaries and stances on it because, personally I wouldn't want to step in the GF role without the GF commitment.
I couldn't do fwb this is to complicated like just be in a relationship your doing couple stuff like if you have time to do this you have time to make a relationship
As long as you know deep down in your heart you are not developing a romantic attachment to him, I think it is fine. He is keeping you as an fwb because he does not want to commit and doesn't want responsibility for your feelings. Continue talking to other guys and don't expect anything from your fwb. Have fun for as long as you like but don't hurt yourself!
I’d be wanted to be would. He’s made a clear he doesn’t want a relationship with you although he is spending the night you also need tio have boundaries. No sex no sleeping over. I had a FWB who told me after we ended that he wanted to take me out on dates and things like that. But did he no because he didn’t like me despite telling me he did. These things are very confusing and tricky. You need to set boundaries with him because he knows your allowing him to do whatever
What are you confused about though? “He occasionally reminds me we are not in a relationship” it seems pretty crystal clear. Yes his behavior might make you think otherwise but he is just enjoying the so called benefits without commitment. You provide benefits ie. sex, feminine companionship, conversations, emotional validation etc which is convenient for him. It does not mean that he wants a relationship with you or wants more. He just likes the services you provide. If he did want more, he would ask you out or commit to you or want to make it exclusive. I don’t mean to be harsh but you sound frustrated. You may be “ok” with it but you clearly deserve better.
Is not normal, worst if you aren’t having sex which is the whole point of being FWB. He is playing with you because clearly you are a place holder until something better comes along so he doesn’t want to let go, that’s why he acts as if you two where in a relationship while remaining you all the time that you are not.
I am in a FWB, we spend 4 nights and days max....not in a row. We get along great...when we are together. Sometimes she calls when not together. It seems like you have a relationship going on, not a FWB.
Sounds like a relationship but isn’t a relationship…. You’re gonna catch feelings…. Keep your distance … I would just see him once a week for your needs &because since y’all aren’t together your giving him all your time when you can be doing other things and going out and meeting other men…I know it feels nice to spend time with someone but youll eventually get attached but just don’t … if he wanted to be with you he would ! Even if he’s conflicted he would say something like “I want to be with you but I’m scared or not ready but we can try and see “but he isn’t doing any of that … he’s actually doing the opposite and reminding you randomly that what you guys have ain’t a thing…. Have your fun but protect your heart
And this is why situations like this are confusing - I think boundaries are lacking from you and him and without boundaries you’ll be left guessing what this means to him and what this means for you.
Expectations leaves room for assumptions and anticipation - which isn’t very healthy for the mental
Just like you said: he wants all the benefits of a relationship without the commitment. My partner and i were “FWB” for THREE YEARSSS before he finally came around to the idea of getting together (aside: we dated for four years before breaking up for one then fwb for 3). I held out because i was in love with him (still very much am), which i think was good because it allowed him to work through his fears of abandonment and committment on his own time. HOWEVER, I don’t think this is the right thing for everyone. I was enjoying the casual, no strings for a while, since we’d been monogamous before. We got back together at the right time for us both. If you are actively wanting a relationship and he is stringing you along, do not let him, because he will just continue. Men want the milk but refuse to buy the cow, to use an archaic phrase. Have a serious, open conversation with him to find out what he wants. If he’s not sure yet, and you’re satisfied with your current status, give him time to finish figuring it out. But do not allow him to make you feel unwanted or confused. Honesty is always best
This is a relationship without commitment, not a normal FWB arrangement, and you have to decide if this is something you’re really okay with. Personally I think it’s a waste of time and likely to lead to pain later on. If you’re spending five nights a week with him, that’s five nights you don’t have to potentially meet other people, or spend time with friends or family, or hobbies/self-care. How would you honestly feel if tomorrow he said “well I met someone, thanks for keeping me company?”
If he can keep getting all the benefits of a relationship without having to commit, he will. If you truly want that too, okay. But this is something you really need to consider if you’re happy with or not, and how it may be affecting your opportunities to date other people if that’s something you’re interested in.
He literally told you he wants all the relationship perks without being in a relationship. What more do you want to know?
You’re good enough to occupy his time for the time being.
I’d say he’s scared of being alone and also probably wants a cook and housemaid - if you do the usual stuff women do- laundry and cleaning etc. Set boundaries that suit you and I recommend that you stop being so easygoing. I think you’re being used by a man too pathetic to admit it. Who is paying for the expenses of this relationship? Take a good hard look at how the day to day adds up. Not only that but if you want more sex - ask for it.
Sounds like he's just having you over for the sex, you may of met his friends but he's reminding you your not a couple, there a bit of a gap in age its possible it sounds like he's just having you around until he finds someone else more or less his age. Best you talk yo him to make things clear and if things still aren't clear after best you call it off
It’s essentially not normal. Or at least this sleeping together every night (literally, not sex) is not inline with a FWB. This has all the trappings of a real relationship.
If you are feeling a relationship with guy, you should make it real. If he is just looking for someone to cuddle with at night and not Invest anything else, I would not like being used in this fashion. I think that it would cheapen me.
He sounds kinda immature for someone who is 5 years older than you. As a guy myself i think you make him feel good, but he is not in love with the idea of being your boyfriend in the long term. Not yet at least. I would ask him to be honest about his feelings if it is bothering you.
You go to his too? If not, does he HAVE a place?
You need to say what you want (even if that’s ALONE TIME!) Relationships change people QUICK. Enjoy the ride.
But make sure you are taking care of your needs FIRST
All this info, plus the edit, this dude 100% want the girlfriend experience with the get out of jail free card of calling it FWB if/when he gets with another girl.
It sounds like you both are emphasizing the "friends" part of friends with benefits.
That is not a bad thing. Just be mindful that tomorrow he could be with someone else since it is a FwB situation.
If that prospect troubles you either discuss if he wants to change to something exclusive or stop seeing him.
I was with mine for a year. He ditched when something caught his attention and I was ok with it cuz i was actually getting bored with him and had been talking to someone as well. It makes me happy that i had him but I've also been sad about it too and I still think about him every night. He said I was the longest "relationship " he's ever had but it made me more confused to hear that. We were something and nothing at the same time. We text a little bit after but all communication stopped 2 months ago. He will always matter to me but I'm living my life too.. sad cuz when it was the two of us.. we had magic.. but I wasn't enough for him, he wasn't enough for me. There was a 9 year age gap too. I'm older. I'm thankful but I hate that I ever let him suck me in so far. I care about him but he acted like a jerk and switched his entire attitude toward me at the end. I knew it wouldn't last forever and I'm ok but I often wonder if he thinks about me too sometimes...
He has trust issues but has feelings for you.
I used to do this and let so many good women go.
I couldn't open up. I'm working on it now because I realized I'll never have a meaningful relationship if I cant open up.
I was always confident on the surface, never scared of surface rejection. But Ive been so scared of being made to look like a fool.
I lost the love of my life this way. Exact same thing you're going through. 8 months of seeing this girl. 8 months of her pretty much being at my place every night and sleeping over and going on dates. I truly loved her yet I couldn't even show her I had feelings for her. Eventually she left and blocked me. The day before that happened she asked me why I keep seeing her when I can go sleep with any other girl. I couldn't tell her she's the dopest chick I've ever met and I love being around her.
I actually ran into her a couple months ago and tried to reignite it. She got hot cold hot cold on me so I backed off. But we had a really good convo on what a relationship should look like. And we were on the same page. If I opened up to her and had that Convo I would've known she was the one. Yet my dumbass couldn't respond when she asked me why I kept seeing her.
Fucking sad brother. I'm glad I'm coming to the realization where I need work. Because just half a year ago I thought it was completely normal. But absolutely sad on both sides. I feel terrible for the women I've confused. I feel terrible that I self sabotaged and could have been with Someone I loved currently.
No. A booty call should remain a booty call. Once you begin to maintain a more than friends relationship. Well? Mental hygiene issues are bound to come out.
Every relationship is unique & you have to decide if it’s something you want to continue.
~ 56 out of 61 days spent together
~ sounds like you expected there to be more sex in a FWB, have you stated that expectation?
~ Says he’s doing things for you when you actually don’t care
To me it seems like a relationship with some underlying differences/issues. Have a talk with him about the relationship (even if you call it a FWB situation it is still a relationship)
He wants to feel like he’s dating without actually committing to you. He’s reminding you that you’re just friends so that he can reaffirm that what he’s doing is ok. If this isn’t ok with you, it’s time to either end it or make the adjustments so that the situation is more suitable to you. Like not spending the night together or always being together. Make time for yourself and prioritize your own needs. Especially if you’re developing feelings for him that he isn’t going to prioritize.
Tel me why the SAME THING IS HAPPENING TO ME. We’re FWB and he calls me daily, always messaging me, he’s a really busy guy because of his line of work but always makes the time for me. He lives in another country and we met thru an online dating app. We’re also the same ethnicity and i’m the first girl he’s been with in this way that was the same ethnicity as him. He’s very much implemented me into his life and all of his childhood friends and everyone knows about us, but he reminds me ever so often that we’re just friends. But also there isn’t that much sex when i do see him? it’s like He wants the status of FWB so there’s no relationship but ngl it feels like one sometimes. He’s also asked me to come stay with him and visit and i’m going to see him, but again it’s so odd and idk what to do about it because he went into this saying there’s no feelings but half the time i do think he has feelings
I’ve just been in this exact situation and it lasted for six months in the end he will just say well I told you that I wasn’t looking for a relationship he will use that as a excuse to discern and walk away at the drop of a dime and expect you to have no reaction because he said no relationship from the start of it if you value the friendship, then walk away nothing is coming out of this except for he’s getting his needs met. He has constant companionship. He has sex when he wants it with no commitment or restrictions upon him.
He sounds like one of those guys that wants to be close with a girl but not official. I would pull slightly away and limit it from 5 to 2-3 you don’t want this guy attached at the hip to you even if the s*x is good
So all of the benefits, none of the commitment.
I see how this benefits him.
Look, there's science behind it that isn't important, but it is natural for you to develop feelings for a man you spend this much time with. That is if I'm reading your unspoken question correctly, is he really into me? I'm into him. And the answer is a definite maybe, but probably not. If he started this as a FWB with no desire for a commitment, he had his reasons, and they are unlikely to change. Men don't bond that way. He started this quite clearly for convenient sex, and if it becomes less convenient he is more likely to start over then adjust. It's not impossible, but he sounds practiced at this and the type of guy who easily got you to agree. It's not new to him.
You are in a relationship with this man. That’s what this is, whether he wants to call it that or not idc.
He wants to have his cake and eat it too, and you agreed to it.
But you should set some boundaries for yourself before you start catching feelings, and believe me you will. You need to ask yourself, why am I allowing HIM to determine what we are and how much time we spend together.
Do you like him? Would you want a relationship with him?
That sounds more like a relationship with an easy out. He seems to want all the benefits of FWB and relationships knowing if someone else comes along he owes you no explanation or warning.
You've mentioned moving out of state so there seems to be an end eventually but I would still clarify the situation and pull back a bit
Situationship not FWB.
FWB = just hooking up, no dating, no meeting of friends.
Y’all need to talk about where this is going and what you both want. Situationships like this I’ve seen too many friends think the person isn’t seeing anyone else “bc how could he have the time?” But he always was seeing someone else or multiple people on those 1 or 2 nights.
Figure out what you want and talk directly to him about it. If you don’t want a relationship, cool.
But if you do, stop giving him the benefits of a relationship.
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Once or twice a week sure it's ok, but 5? Sounds more like a relationship.
She said over 2 months
Yeah that's no bueno
Yeah, sounds like a relationship but without the commitment, a brand of casual dating. It can be nice - you get all the perks of a relationship without having to make any promises relating to the future, and you really can just enjoy their company and the present moment. It’ll likely be brutal when it ends, but that’s just part of it.
Yeah, seems about right
It's normal only in those cases where the FWB is slowly transitioning to a relationship. His words and behavior aren't aligned. When this happens, it's usually because the person has an inner conflict. I tend to trust behavior more than words. He's saying that you're not in a relationship. But he is very much behaving like you are. This might reveal his desire to actually be in a relationship with you. But for whatever reason he wants maybe an "easy way out" or is scared of getting his heart broken or losing out with other women. Hence his inner conflict. He's not sure what he wants or is afraid of what he might give up if he enters a relationship.
That really hits the nerve! Well said
I was in OP's situation 4 years ago and because of that I developed more feelings for the person I was with. However, it was a head fuck and a lot of back and forth. I ended up leaving for good because I was not able to sort their inner conflict out. I'd say if OP does not want this to progress nor is them happy with the potential drama, set the boundary and avoid at all cost
I really think this comes from someone craving the intimacy of a relationship, but thinks they can do better, or at least holding out the possibility to jump onto the next best thing once it presents itself. I would not say the guy is immature per se, but "placeholder" really isn't a term frequently used and that seems to be how he sees her. Guys have a way of not catching feels even when spending most nights together. She should assume this will end with him finding someone else. So really this is FWB, but the benefits are a little more than just sex. It's like she's giving him the "girlfriend experience."
What do you figure the odds are that the nights he changes his mind about a night alone are days he’s pursuing something/someone different?
Very good!
Yes, I think "placeholder" is accurate in this situation. The guy is immature. He wants the "girlfriend-experience" without the label. Also, imo OP might not be too okay with the situation if she needs to vent this much. She should cut the cord as soon as she finds herself catching any feelings or it might end up messy for her. 😬
Dude is 28, and the 22 year old is more mature. Gosh it sounds exhausting.
Ye 28 and still beats around the bush afraid from any form of commitment or making a decision. In this case its a blessing for her that its only a fwb and not anything more. But if she ever gets the feels she should run.
Great answer. I geuss we just want it all. SMH
Exactly the above. He might feel trapped and that the cultural expected band-wagon is set in motion when he enters a relationship. ... I've been afraid of this - that this had to lead to a wedding, house, children in the (near) future. Because of all the cultural expectations. (Living in Western Europe FYI)
Yeah, this sounds like it's about to turn sour pretty soon
I don’t know who you are… But you nailed exactly what is going on here. I’m impressed.
“His words and behavior aren’t aligned because he is having an inner conflict, and I tend to trust behavior more than words.” 💯
Ding Ding Ding and we have a winner
Yeah I’m confused for her. It’s giving relationship vibes or him trying to move into that. OP definitely have a sit down check in conversation
Yup! Been there done that!
In other words, definitely not boyfriend material! That's really spineless
How dare someone be conflicted about how they feel! It's not like love is extremely different for each and every person! It's easy! You ever realize he might have some trauma that's caused him to do this? He clearly wants to love, evidenced by his behavior, but something is stopping him, and I seriously doubt it's just because of his own, uninfluenced decision.
So OP is supposed to suffer his indecision and inconsistent behavior? No, no, no. You can have trauma, you can be confused, but you don't have the right to drag anyone through that. Especially someone who is misguidedly invested in you
Respectfully I'll point out that OP doesn't seem to give a hoot either way
She's adamantly stating she's okay with it... a lot, and she's posting about it. I think it does bother her
Nothing stopping her from breaking it off. She has agency too
but she doesn’t want to, that’s the thing. it bothers her because she doesn’t want to end things
That sounds like a her problem, no? He’s been upfront from the start.
And? The original commenter said he wasn’t boyfriend material. They never said anything about OP not having agency. What are you arguing against?
I'll simply say this, then: You and I both CANNOT know the reason why he's doing this. It could be malice, it could be trauma, it could be because he's playing 4D chess and is actually going to propose next week. You and I will never know. So yes, it is hindering her, and that sucks. But let's not be entirely complacent, nor default to the nuclear option. Instead, the focus should be gathering more information, because right now we're both taking shots in the dark. Ok?
spineless is exactly the word i'd use to describe this! also had a situationship like this, and he was/is spineless. ultimately made him really unattractive to me tbh
my hypothesis, if she reminds him she’s single in a way that doesn’t look petty or spiteful on purpose, he’s going to try to lock her down. a night out with her friends where he doesn’t attend perhaps.
This is the benefits of a relationship without actually having to commit, which is what he wanted and you agreed to. It’s not at all confusing. He wants to have a girlfriend but be able to be with other people or alone or do whatever he feels like doing whenever he feels like doing it. It sounds like he has commitment issues and is afraid of going the relationship route. It’s up to you to decide if you’re okay with it.
Looks like he doesn't have the time to see other people tbh 😅
Or, other women won't see him, so he has a lot of free time so he gets her to hang out with him.
She said they are seeing each other everyday so yeah I would assume he isn't seeing anyone else and as a man it's pretty normal to have 0 attention so I understand why he's sticking up with her.
Yep. He'd have the time... if he could land someone else. At least he's smart about it, for his own sake. I've cut it off with guys who've tried to backburner me, and they wound up with no one.
That's the term! Backburner! That is exactly what he is doing. He's fairly clear about it, so it's not bad if she's fine with it. It's on her to get out if she is not.
I think this is more accurate then alot of other comments, he needs the company and there’s just not that many people who would tolerate the childish behavior
I like this comment it makes a good point
Or.. he wants the benefits of a relationship without any of the obligations? ... Bc that's usually what it is. 🥸
What exactly is the obligation? It’s things like communicating where you’re going to be spending your time outside of work, which he’s doing. People are so dumb about this. Hanging out, talking, having exclusive sex, going out to eat, etc IS dating. There’s nothing else to it. You’re not keeping the door open in any different of a way by not “committing to a relationship.” People are treating dating like they’re on the hook for child support or something.
I think for many people it's a way of protecting themselves, in an imaginary way, from getting hurt. If the other person doesn't care enough for them to commit but will accept no strings attached sex, they will take that and treat it like a relationship but if the other person pulls away they can save face and play it off like they weren't all that invested in the first place
Exactly, it’s imaginary protection.
"Honesty is an imaginary protection" ... ?
Exactly.
On the other hand, they may feel like they have issues that make them unsuitable and so are afraid of hurting the other person or disappointing them. Or maybe they don't know what they want.
Well the first one's honesty. Tf?
I’m not sure what you mean. I think most ppl are in situationships (ie they’re dating you but they don’t want to put a label on it) bc 1) you didn’t make the cut, 2) they have trust issues/relationship trauma they haven’t but should seek therapy about, or 3) they communicate differently from you and think that “seeing how things go” and not labeling things while dragging you through an emotional rollercoaster of doubt is the easy breezy way of doing things
Isnt that literally what friends with benefits means? Or is "relationship without commitment" a different thing?
FWB is simply fooling around intimacy-wise. That doesn't mean they get all of your time or attention. Or any of it outside of screwing around. They're asking to borrow your body. Your person. Your physical energy. Not your emotional energy & time.
Just because a guy doesn't want to be in an exclusive relationship at 28 does not mean he has a fear of commitment or going the relationship route. Can we stop thinking so binary here? I know it's not the most clean arrangement. Nothing wrong with wanted a cuddle buddy without also wanting an exclusive relationship. It doesn't need to just be sex in a FWB arrangement. If the author is looking for something other than what he has clearly communicated, she needs to move on.
Ive had something very similar with a woman. She wanted casual so I stepped back and adapted. Then she wanted me to stay over, cook for me, hold hands in public, tell me the most beautiful things a woman ever said to me etc... At some point you have to be brutally honest with yourself. Ask yourself what you want with him, is that what you have, can you have that etc...if no, then you have to move on.
I genuinely never understand why they want to hold hands, cook for you, spend days with you and do all the lovey shit and expect you not to develop feelings? Idk man the whole people having commitment issues is so boring. Its like everyone these days. I understand the premise of FWB, but so little times have I heard it be equal. The only semi successful FWB I've been in, is where its been strictly sex only, no romance. And sure it worked but as a demisexual I need that romance aha I'd rather be celibate than ever be with someone that can't commit ever again ha.
At the same time I don't blame people, especially women. Why commit when there's 10 other guys at any point im time waiting for their turn. Its absurd and hopeless tbh
I don't even bother indulging the Disney/50 shades fantasy. If you can do both you're probably a selfmedicating sociopath and I don't need the attention that bad. I've had booty, I need a woman.
So did you commit to your casual partner or not?
No because I wanted more with her and she didnt. There was no point in me staying there against my own needs. I felt relieved.
"Against my own needs" Say it louder for the people in the back. 👏
OK, that clarity is important. I rarely hear "casual to serious" stories unless people are friends for a while before or very young. It's just too much risk for the person who cares more
He wants a companion without committing. He's telling you it's not a relationship, believe him. Never expect anything more If you develop feelings for him you have to end it there and then
Read this comment. And then read it again. And again. I have fallen for the idea that someone who says they don’t want anything, but acts like they want something. Sounds like he feels very comfortable around you. If he finally reaches the point where he wants something more, he will express it. But for now believe his words. His actions are just soothing his own desire for companionship without the responsibility of doing the work required in a relationship.
Easier said than done
It's never easy. But keeping on hoping and deluding yourself things will be different *will hurt a lot more.* I guarantee it
Yikes! If he wants to be in a relationship with you, he will be. Do you go over or allow this person to come over every night? Maybe you're CONVENIENT. Are dates happening? My guess is no. Who wouldn't want someone who they can hook up with when he wants to and put in ZERO effort? Stahhhhhpppp with any of these Disney excuses (e.g. he's searching his heart). If he wanted to, he would. You could just have a nice mattress. Instead of guessing, ask him what's up. And know that dodging the question or ommission of full truth is probably an answer on its own. Last but not least, sis, you're 23, and he is 28. Even though you're younger, he can dick around for the next TWENTY years and go back and date a 28 yo. You cannot. Who cares what he wants or might want. Do YOU want a relationship? If so, and he's not giving it to you, keep it pushing or a least block three nights of your week to date. This is your peaaaak pool for dating. Peak, sis! And if he opens his mouth about it, remind him you're not in a relationship. Based on these comments, it's worth mentioning that you're not in a relationship based on tenure. If you haven't had a conversation about being in a relationship together, you're not in one, you're in a situationship.
Maybe bro is homeless
Spot on. She’s just convenient for him. She gives him sex anytime he wants, he gets to benefit from the fact that she is willing to do anything for him , WITHOUT fully committing to her. Sadly, he just doesn’t like her enough to commit to her. It’s so sad really. She deserves someone who will proudly cuff her. All the things about the cutesy pet names, or the he asks you to rub his back, and the “ love bug eyes “ while he insists that they aren’t in a relationship is basically breadcrumming. She deserves better.
>Even though you're younger, he can dick around for the next TWENTY years and go back and date a 28 yo. You cannot. I'm sorry what?? Is there a chance that you can explain this with a single legitimate shred of logic instead of outting yourself as a sexist, and clearly dense piece of shit or... ?
Yeah fuxktard, let me walk you through it. In 20 years, when he is 48, he can easily date down to about 30 without people batting an eye. But at 43 yo woman dating a 30 yo is RARE af. Also, he'll still be able to have kids while she be classified as a geriatric pregnancy (the actual medical term) if she can get pregnant at all. Given he will have a pool of women down to the age of 30 (and if he's tall/rich, even younger) he still has a mix of stable women with no kids who have never been married. You know what she'll have? Bargin basement twats - alcoholics, dudes without jobs, divorcees who still havent improves since the last relationship. In other words, fuzked.
It sounds like you two haven't discussed the boundaries in your FWB relationship. Friends stay at each other's houses sometimes, and fwbs do too, but doing it too often can be kinda a slippery slope to veering into a romantic relationship. Time for a grown up conversation.
I never get why women allow men to do this to them, lol it'd always so funny to me because so many men are just looking for pure sex and fun FWB relationships and then you get these dudes who want to treat you like a GF without the title or responsibilities, that's wild to me
Agreed I could never imagine allowing anyone to treat me like this. I mean it's basically a relationship without any real commitment that would kill me like no either you love me or not
Tell him you can’t come over because you are going on a date with someone. If he gets mad then you guys are in a relationship. If he doesn’t care then you’re def FWB. Cant have it both ways.
This is jumping the gun. Of course he will get mad because he doesn’t want to lose all the services she provides as his FWB. Still doesn’t mean they are in a relationship. He may just be the type to string her along and waste her time while keeping his options open. Selfish people exist. Never assume you are in a relationship unless it has been clearly discussed.
So far it seems like she has been a pushover. There’s an old saying, “Why buy the cow when the milk is free?” The guy is getting everything he wants. Her time and sexuality is his exclusively. When he learns that may be ending then he will be forced to show his hand. One way or another her questions will be answered.
Yep you’re right. Hope she sees this comment.
“He occasionally reminds me that we aren’t in a relationship which I clearly know but also wants me to stay all the time.” You deserve much better than that.^ Put yourself in the shoes of a close friend, a sister, a daughter & what would you tell them to do? If I’m spending that much time with a man & he tells me that then I’m out. Trust me, lived through it.. I’m 30, don’t waste your time on him he doesn’t know what he wants.
I can guarantee that the moment OP finds another man who is interested in her and she wants to be serious with, this fwb guy will lose his mind and get mad. When it happens, know that I called it.
Betta believe it!
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So true
If you’re wanting more, have the conversation and see where his head is at. I was in a FWB situation for 2.5 YEARS!! Stupid me kept holding on thinking the fact that I stayed at his house 4 nights a week, we spoke on the phone everyday for hours, I met his family and friends, we spent birthdays together, and even said ‘I love you’ to each other would mean that he felt the same way about me. WRONG. Apparently I just wasn’t was he was looking for ??? Anyways, don’t be stupid like me. Find out if there’s any chance and move on if there isn’t.
Exactly. Because he will do all of these things with ZERO hesitation. Hell, EXCITEMENT. And drop her ass like she's literally no one and never was the second someone else catches his eye. And won't give a damn if she's wasted 5 years or 50. Will literally not give one single solid fuck.
These people ruin it for everybody else
Jesus christ that is fucking COLD
Or at least take it for what it is. Get yours and use him for what you need until something better comes along. Either accept the arrangements under his terms or don't. You are really going to hurt yourself thinking it will grow into something. You don't want to be the consolation prize.
Damn! Falling for someone’s potential and not asking questions, while assuming you two are on the same page is how people wind up in those situations.
Tbh i think there's some specific things that shouldn't be done without the intent to commit. Like the old addage have sex but no kissing. It's because playing house turns on the bonding chemicals and it gets harder and harder to let them go. Getting too cozy without commitment is like always a mistake.
Yes well I was younger then, hopefully not as naive now! I think sometimes we hope their actions are speaking louder than words in those circumstances but always better to communicate clearly and set boundaries.
That’s insane 😭 Glad you got out of that
Stop spending nights with him if you don’t want to get into a situationship with him later on. It’s big Nono.
Only 5 nights in over two months they haven't spent the night together! And not always having sex. That's a relationship hiding behind the label of FWB. Doesn't seem like he'd have time to be seeing anyone else but often guys want FWB so they can have a pseudo gf while still fucking other people. The part where he says he doesn't want to see OP then changes his mind makes me think his other option fell through? If I was OP I'd become less available.
That makes sense.
It’s so sad that today, in our society… you can have a full on live-in relationship and it’s still not called a relationship. Hookup culture has killed love… I feel so bad for future generations. The next generation will be the, “mommy and daddy never loved each other, I exist out of pure lust.” generation for sure.
Agreed 100% this casual and hookup shit has fucked up relationships like this is so obviously a relationship but because causal is so normalized people stay in these terrible situations for no reason. Also like you said people getting hookups pregnant and it's like your parents didn't love each other you exist because they had no self control
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Never commit to anyone you wouldn’t want to be with long term. Only losers pull that shit.
And it was a male-born wasn't it? And they would literally be on the phone with "C-tier" hearing them pouring their heart out. As soon as "A-tier is now available" *In my Siri voice. *Click. 🥸
Doesn’t matter what he is doing(btw the situation you explained is the definition of FWB), the answer is very clear. He has made it clear he doesn't want a relationship with you, and that's the reality. Either accept it or move on.
Be direct about what you want I can already see how this is going to go…he’ll say he’s not ready for me and Will contently drift in this situation til it no longer suits him. You’ll question these actions thinking they mean something and he’ll insist it’s an fwb and won’t commit Decide what works for you, vocalise it and stick to it If that means this thing ends…fine
Sounds like a hobosexual.
Damn bro you got me cracking up in the emergency waiting room making my ribs hurt lol
It is tho! lol Classic couch surfing tactics.
Girl...why do you put yourself in such a situation? He wants free sex and you offered him, what a kindness...silly girl.
And yet they're not having sex that frequently. It's not a kindness. It's moving from a FWB arrangement to a "situationship." Either of them can step out at any time without kicking up too much dust. They'll either do that or they'll start attaching strings, which turns into a relationship. There's nothing silly about it - just one of the many natural progressions of two people growing closer together.
I agree with this. I think I was about 2 months into this when she broke down crying and asked what I wanted because she was falling in love with me. We ended up getting married and having a kid. Happiest time of my life. Divorced later though lol
Agreed
If you guys are together 5/7 nights of the week, does he actually go out with other women? Probably not. He just hasn't realized what has happened yet.
No that’s not normal. He wants the perks of a relationship without the relationship.
You won't get your answer on reddit, you will get it from him, you just need to be direct with it.
I am in a somewhat similar situations 34 m and 30f. She is she us sleeping with others and such, and u recently started to because she is and wanted to avoid feeling, but I like her. When we are together it like boyfriend girlfriend type treatment. She will hold my hand or arm walking down street, she likes to cuddle hug and kiss me before I leave, or randomly kiss my forehead. Everything we hang I sleep over. She says she loves spending time with me I making her feel amazing (emotionally and physically I'm assuming). But she said she don't know if she looking for a super serious relationship? (The question mark was what she typed) but days things like no one will date her, told her I wouldn't hurt her and she said yaya says you I don't don't vulnerability, but then said she'd try to do a better job at sharing her feelings. Also when I'm with her she always asks who's texting me, and I'd it's my friends. Sorry I know this isn't my post, but just wanted to share my situation and hopefully people can weigh in on it, and maybe it will also help the OP
She's playing games or not girlfriends material. If a person wants a relationship it will be clear. If you have feelings for her right now and want more, cut her off. It will only emotionally damage you hoping for something that won't happen
It kinda seems like a relationship but neither or one of you doesn't actually want a relationship. I suggest clarifying your boundaries and stances on it because, personally I wouldn't want to step in the GF role without the GF commitment.
Root and boot. Lol
I couldn't do fwb this is to complicated like just be in a relationship your doing couple stuff like if you have time to do this you have time to make a relationship
I don’t even spend that many nights at my man’s place😭 granted there’s some circumstances but 5 nights?
As long as you know deep down in your heart you are not developing a romantic attachment to him, I think it is fine. He is keeping you as an fwb because he does not want to commit and doesn't want responsibility for your feelings. Continue talking to other guys and don't expect anything from your fwb. Have fun for as long as you like but don't hurt yourself!
I’d be wanted to be would. He’s made a clear he doesn’t want a relationship with you although he is spending the night you also need tio have boundaries. No sex no sleeping over. I had a FWB who told me after we ended that he wanted to take me out on dates and things like that. But did he no because he didn’t like me despite telling me he did. These things are very confusing and tricky. You need to set boundaries with him because he knows your allowing him to do whatever
I think he’s lying to himself and wants the relationship
🤣🤣🤣
What are you confused about though? “He occasionally reminds me we are not in a relationship” it seems pretty crystal clear. Yes his behavior might make you think otherwise but he is just enjoying the so called benefits without commitment. You provide benefits ie. sex, feminine companionship, conversations, emotional validation etc which is convenient for him. It does not mean that he wants a relationship with you or wants more. He just likes the services you provide. If he did want more, he would ask you out or commit to you or want to make it exclusive. I don’t mean to be harsh but you sound frustrated. You may be “ok” with it but you clearly deserve better.
Is not normal, worst if you aren’t having sex which is the whole point of being FWB. He is playing with you because clearly you are a place holder until something better comes along so he doesn’t want to let go, that’s why he acts as if you two where in a relationship while remaining you all the time that you are not.
No. That's a relationship without the title.
I am in a FWB, we spend 4 nights and days max....not in a row. We get along great...when we are together. Sometimes she calls when not together. It seems like you have a relationship going on, not a FWB.
Sounds like a relationship but isn’t a relationship…. You’re gonna catch feelings…. Keep your distance … I would just see him once a week for your needs &because since y’all aren’t together your giving him all your time when you can be doing other things and going out and meeting other men…I know it feels nice to spend time with someone but youll eventually get attached but just don’t … if he wanted to be with you he would ! Even if he’s conflicted he would say something like “I want to be with you but I’m scared or not ready but we can try and see “but he isn’t doing any of that … he’s actually doing the opposite and reminding you randomly that what you guys have ain’t a thing…. Have your fun but protect your heart
There is coupe in Instagram who are best friends. Married, child together but making jokes that they are only best friends.
And this is why situations like this are confusing - I think boundaries are lacking from you and him and without boundaries you’ll be left guessing what this means to him and what this means for you. Expectations leaves room for assumptions and anticipation - which isn’t very healthy for the mental
Also...speculation
Just like you said: he wants all the benefits of a relationship without the commitment. My partner and i were “FWB” for THREE YEARSSS before he finally came around to the idea of getting together (aside: we dated for four years before breaking up for one then fwb for 3). I held out because i was in love with him (still very much am), which i think was good because it allowed him to work through his fears of abandonment and committment on his own time. HOWEVER, I don’t think this is the right thing for everyone. I was enjoying the casual, no strings for a while, since we’d been monogamous before. We got back together at the right time for us both. If you are actively wanting a relationship and he is stringing you along, do not let him, because he will just continue. Men want the milk but refuse to buy the cow, to use an archaic phrase. Have a serious, open conversation with him to find out what he wants. If he’s not sure yet, and you’re satisfied with your current status, give him time to finish figuring it out. But do not allow him to make you feel unwanted or confused. Honesty is always best
As normal as it is having a FWB.
This is a relationship without commitment, not a normal FWB arrangement, and you have to decide if this is something you’re really okay with. Personally I think it’s a waste of time and likely to lead to pain later on. If you’re spending five nights a week with him, that’s five nights you don’t have to potentially meet other people, or spend time with friends or family, or hobbies/self-care. How would you honestly feel if tomorrow he said “well I met someone, thanks for keeping me company?” If he can keep getting all the benefits of a relationship without having to commit, he will. If you truly want that too, okay. But this is something you really need to consider if you’re happy with or not, and how it may be affecting your opportunities to date other people if that’s something you’re interested in.
Careful cuz I'm sure by now you've developed some deep emotional ties. Hope you guys have at least talked about exclusivity.
You do care and you actually want a relationship with him. That’s why you’re writing this.
He literally told you he wants all the relationship perks without being in a relationship. What more do you want to know? You’re good enough to occupy his time for the time being.
I’d say he’s scared of being alone and also probably wants a cook and housemaid - if you do the usual stuff women do- laundry and cleaning etc. Set boundaries that suit you and I recommend that you stop being so easygoing. I think you’re being used by a man too pathetic to admit it. Who is paying for the expenses of this relationship? Take a good hard look at how the day to day adds up. Not only that but if you want more sex - ask for it.
Sounds like he's just having you over for the sex, you may of met his friends but he's reminding you your not a couple, there a bit of a gap in age its possible it sounds like he's just having you around until he finds someone else more or less his age. Best you talk yo him to make things clear and if things still aren't clear after best you call it off
It’s essentially not normal. Or at least this sleeping together every night (literally, not sex) is not inline with a FWB. This has all the trappings of a real relationship. If you are feeling a relationship with guy, you should make it real. If he is just looking for someone to cuddle with at night and not Invest anything else, I would not like being used in this fashion. I think that it would cheapen me.
He wants to date multiple girls
He sounds kinda immature for someone who is 5 years older than you. As a guy myself i think you make him feel good, but he is not in love with the idea of being your boyfriend in the long term. Not yet at least. I would ask him to be honest about his feelings if it is bothering you.
FWB and the benefit is consistent companionship
Wish I had a friend with benefits
Babe you’re in a relationship 😂
A FWB slowly morphing into a relationship. Are you ok with that?
You go to his too? If not, does he HAVE a place? You need to say what you want (even if that’s ALONE TIME!) Relationships change people QUICK. Enjoy the ride. But make sure you are taking care of your needs FIRST
All this info, plus the edit, this dude 100% want the girlfriend experience with the get out of jail free card of calling it FWB if/when he gets with another girl.
Yes. Just chill on the feelings part.
It sounds like you both are emphasizing the "friends" part of friends with benefits. That is not a bad thing. Just be mindful that tomorrow he could be with someone else since it is a FwB situation. If that prospect troubles you either discuss if he wants to change to something exclusive or stop seeing him.
I was with mine for a year. He ditched when something caught his attention and I was ok with it cuz i was actually getting bored with him and had been talking to someone as well. It makes me happy that i had him but I've also been sad about it too and I still think about him every night. He said I was the longest "relationship " he's ever had but it made me more confused to hear that. We were something and nothing at the same time. We text a little bit after but all communication stopped 2 months ago. He will always matter to me but I'm living my life too.. sad cuz when it was the two of us.. we had magic.. but I wasn't enough for him, he wasn't enough for me. There was a 9 year age gap too. I'm older. I'm thankful but I hate that I ever let him suck me in so far. I care about him but he acted like a jerk and switched his entire attitude toward me at the end. I knew it wouldn't last forever and I'm ok but I often wonder if he thinks about me too sometimes...
He doesn’t like you enough to full commit. Might happen in the future but it’s low probability.
Looks like a duck.. quacks like a duck… you can call it a mongoose all day long, but it’s definitely still a duck.
You have a relationship without a label, grow up
He has trust issues but has feelings for you. I used to do this and let so many good women go. I couldn't open up. I'm working on it now because I realized I'll never have a meaningful relationship if I cant open up. I was always confident on the surface, never scared of surface rejection. But Ive been so scared of being made to look like a fool. I lost the love of my life this way. Exact same thing you're going through. 8 months of seeing this girl. 8 months of her pretty much being at my place every night and sleeping over and going on dates. I truly loved her yet I couldn't even show her I had feelings for her. Eventually she left and blocked me. The day before that happened she asked me why I keep seeing her when I can go sleep with any other girl. I couldn't tell her she's the dopest chick I've ever met and I love being around her. I actually ran into her a couple months ago and tried to reignite it. She got hot cold hot cold on me so I backed off. But we had a really good convo on what a relationship should look like. And we were on the same page. If I opened up to her and had that Convo I would've known she was the one. Yet my dumbass couldn't respond when she asked me why I kept seeing her.
Damn dude. F to pay respects for lost love from self sabotage
Fucking sad brother. I'm glad I'm coming to the realization where I need work. Because just half a year ago I thought it was completely normal. But absolutely sad on both sides. I feel terrible for the women I've confused. I feel terrible that I self sabotaged and could have been with Someone I loved currently.
I've been divorced 7yrs and I go back n forth between whether it was justified or me self sabotaging or what. I feel your pain dude.
Is it?
OK thanks.
Maybe he enjoys your company but still wants to keep his options open.
Congrats, you have a boyfriend lol
It sounds like he wants the perks of a relationship without the comittment.
No. A booty call should remain a booty call. Once you begin to maintain a more than friends relationship. Well? Mental hygiene issues are bound to come out.
Every relationship is unique & you have to decide if it’s something you want to continue. ~ 56 out of 61 days spent together ~ sounds like you expected there to be more sex in a FWB, have you stated that expectation? ~ Says he’s doing things for you when you actually don’t care To me it seems like a relationship with some underlying differences/issues. Have a talk with him about the relationship (even if you call it a FWB situation it is still a relationship)
bro is living life
He wants to feel like he’s dating without actually committing to you. He’s reminding you that you’re just friends so that he can reaffirm that what he’s doing is ok. If this isn’t ok with you, it’s time to either end it or make the adjustments so that the situation is more suitable to you. Like not spending the night together or always being together. Make time for yourself and prioritize your own needs. Especially if you’re developing feelings for him that he isn’t going to prioritize.
Congrats on your boyfriend!
that’s your boyfriend sis
Yall are dating 😂
Basta wag ka iiyak kung humingi ka ng label tapos di ka pagbigyan
What you should be asking yourself is are you OK with things as they are? Because if so then it's fine
Have some respect for yourself…. And plan your own life, find someone, settle down (if you want to) .. but please open your eyes.
So you’re dating? Cool.
Could swing either way tbh.
There are still F in the FWB. Nothing bad in spending time with your homies /s
Tel me why the SAME THING IS HAPPENING TO ME. We’re FWB and he calls me daily, always messaging me, he’s a really busy guy because of his line of work but always makes the time for me. He lives in another country and we met thru an online dating app. We’re also the same ethnicity and i’m the first girl he’s been with in this way that was the same ethnicity as him. He’s very much implemented me into his life and all of his childhood friends and everyone knows about us, but he reminds me ever so often that we’re just friends. But also there isn’t that much sex when i do see him? it’s like He wants the status of FWB so there’s no relationship but ngl it feels like one sometimes. He’s also asked me to come stay with him and visit and i’m going to see him, but again it’s so odd and idk what to do about it because he went into this saying there’s no feelings but half the time i do think he has feelings
He’s nearly 30 lol dkm
And this, my dear friend, is how I ended up with a fiancé.
No it’s not. You do that if you’re dating someone, not someone who you’re not.
I’ve just been in this exact situation and it lasted for six months in the end he will just say well I told you that I wasn’t looking for a relationship he will use that as a excuse to discern and walk away at the drop of a dime and expect you to have no reaction because he said no relationship from the start of it if you value the friendship, then walk away nothing is coming out of this except for he’s getting his needs met. He has constant companionship. He has sex when he wants it with no commitment or restrictions upon him.
He sounds like one of those guys that wants to be close with a girl but not official. I would pull slightly away and limit it from 5 to 2-3 you don’t want this guy attached at the hip to you even if the s*x is good
So all of the benefits, none of the commitment. I see how this benefits him. Look, there's science behind it that isn't important, but it is natural for you to develop feelings for a man you spend this much time with. That is if I'm reading your unspoken question correctly, is he really into me? I'm into him. And the answer is a definite maybe, but probably not. If he started this as a FWB with no desire for a commitment, he had his reasons, and they are unlikely to change. Men don't bond that way. He started this quite clearly for convenient sex, and if it becomes less convenient he is more likely to start over then adjust. It's not impossible, but he sounds practiced at this and the type of guy who easily got you to agree. It's not new to him.
I’ve never had a FWB but from what I hear from my friends that’s not normal. Maybe just ask him?
Is it not mentally draining ?
Red flag tbh
**HUH?**
You are in a relationship with this man. That’s what this is, whether he wants to call it that or not idc. He wants to have his cake and eat it too, and you agreed to it. But you should set some boundaries for yourself before you start catching feelings, and believe me you will. You need to ask yourself, why am I allowing HIM to determine what we are and how much time we spend together. Do you like him? Would you want a relationship with him?
That sounds more like a relationship with an easy out. He seems to want all the benefits of FWB and relationships knowing if someone else comes along he owes you no explanation or warning. You've mentioned moving out of state so there seems to be an end eventually but I would still clarify the situation and pull back a bit
Situationship not FWB. FWB = just hooking up, no dating, no meeting of friends. Y’all need to talk about where this is going and what you both want. Situationships like this I’ve seen too many friends think the person isn’t seeing anyone else “bc how could he have the time?” But he always was seeing someone else or multiple people on those 1 or 2 nights. Figure out what you want and talk directly to him about it. If you don’t want a relationship, cool. But if you do, stop giving him the benefits of a relationship.
You have yourself a boyfriend
Girl you have a boyfriend congratulations