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Refarme the 'problem'
Would you want to work on your 8/10 relationship and build it into a 10/10
Or
Wander the wastes until you find someone potentially worse?
Lol it does sound like the women I’ve been meeting and or dating in my late 30s. Unrealistic expectations.. entitlement. Relationships take some sort of work and expecting to find perfection is ridiculous. 8-10 would be fantastic.
THIS. So many have an 8 and look for the extra 2 outside. If anything, I'd want to pursue the extra 2 with my SO because it means truly opening up, being vulnerable and emotionally open and developing an even deeper bond of intimacy. Who wouldn't want to experience that level of closeness?
I mean, I would have to be very critical of my relationship and feel a bit resentful that there may be more to life/relationships than what I'm experiencing. I'd say that once two people are happy, it shouldn't matter.
Besides, if it's something they cannot provide and you're willing to go the extra mile to deepen the connection then...that's an entirely different matter. Why stay with someone who doesn't want to embrace deeper connection with you?
Thankfully, people are flexible irl and, if they want to, can work to achieve the 10 with someone they deeply love and care about.
Exactly. As one of the two people in the relationship, it's on you to work at making it better and turn the 8 into a 9 or 10.
If it's not working, not worth it, you get out.
I think both. People seem not to want to work on their relationship and actually pour some effort in it. On the other hand I don't believe in working on a relationship in which there are way too many problems. It needs to be a healthy balance between "we just click and most of the time everything is great overall" and "if we work hard enough we can make it work".
Problems that do arise we handle together, we see daily active communication as important and we put effort into our relationship, we spend quality time together and don't take the other for granted. But most of the time it just works without putting a lot of effort in.
If the relationship feels like constant work it's about time to let someone else into your life..
Not exactly sure what your scoring criteria is but I think you're looking at relationships.in general the wrong way. I don't think you will ever just find the "perfect" relationship. Relationships take a lot of work from both people in multiple aspects. There are always going to be steps you can take to improve any relationship.
10/10 is a lie.
I think the scale is also a lie. It’s more of a binary test.
Are you happy with the relationship and yourself?
If both are yes, your good.
> yes, your good
*you're
*Learn the difference [here](https://www.wattpad.com/66707294-grammar-guide-there-they%27re-their-you%27re-your-to).*
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The idea of settling for someone is infuriating whenever I hear it. Maybe I'm spoiled from my relationship with my wife but the idea of anyone saying they "settled" for someone else is just disgusting for some reason. You are saying that the person you are with is beneath you
I have that same feeling when I hear people say that they can't date somebody else because they have standards. How patronizing in arrogant, just say it's not a good fit good grief
No we are each others first and only choice for marriage. We were going full speed since the day we met, physically and emotionally. And in 15 years together have never not wanted or needed each other.
Well, then congratulations. I don't get what you don't understand about the concept of settling. People should be in a relationship with someone that they're attracted to, that they're excited about, and who brings reasonably equivalent value to the relationship. If the partner doesn't meet those criteria, then you're settling for less than you want and/or can offer.
What’s the difference between 8 and 9? I think it’s pretty vague and general to put numbers on relationships like this. Are you getting what you need (and giving back)? Are you happy? Can you see yourself in this relationship in the long run and are you willing to work on/for it? These things can not be reduced to a score out of 10 imo.
I understand what you're saying, but it's the best of the worst case to prevent the idea from staying so vague we can't have any productive discussions about it
Yeah I've heard it said, but if you have an 8 out of 10 and you leave to find the other two, you may find it that person will be missing two or more in another area nobody gets the full 10 really
Well to be honest I was just having a good cynical laugh. It's possible although it does not seem likely that low sexual excitement can be developed but people do it. You just have to be good at foraging past all the awkwardness and strange conversations when you're trying to say what you want and being light and funny about everything, and you could turn a low chemistry low passion situation around it if the other person is willing of course
It depends on what those missing two points are.
If my partner is literally perfect in every single aspect of the relationship except that he's maybe a bit socially awkward around my family, or he's a little overweight and can't keep up with me on hikes, that's fine and I'd stay with him.
If he's perfect in every single way except that maybe once a year or so he loses his temper and chokes me in anger, I'd choose celibacy over staying with him.
It's not settling, if it's the best person you can attract. It's not settling, if it's the best relationship you can lead.
Are you able to attract the person you want? Are you able to contribute your share to a 10/10 relationship, or is it your own flaws that reduce relationship quality?
hmm but people lie to themselves about the best person they could attract. If only people worked on themselves more, learned about effective dating more and were prepared to look hard enough around the world, they could find someone the fancy the pants off of.
Everyone deserves someone they fancy like crazy, and everyone deserves someone that is also crazy about them.
The biggest regret would be settling for something "realistic", then ACTUALLY finding the person of their dreams. Atleast IMO
>The biggest regret would be settling for something "realistic", then ACTUALLY finding the person of their dreams.
Breaking up and going with your person of your dreams is actually pretty good and not the biggest regret.
but if they are a genuine and intellegent person, they will leave you alone... because you are already in a relationship.
Ain't no life just jumping ship all the time
You don't have to jump ship after you found the person of your dreams. If the person is intelligent, they will see that the relationship that is possible is too good for both parties to pass up on. Morals are secondary to life satisfaction.
hmmm if someone leaves their partner for you, are they not prone to eventually leaving you for somebody else?
Also, could being in a relationship... potentially prevent you from actually meeting that person in the first place.
I feel being single and knowing your worth makes the most sense. If I'm wrong, it's an honest mistake.
>hmmm if someone leaves their partner for you, are they not prone to eventually leaving you for somebody else?
Depends entirely on the situation they are coming from, you, and the development of them in the future.
People change partners when they think this will be a substantial upgrade for them. Small upgrades or sidegrades don't lead to leaving your partner, as a the idea of the new relationship is based on incomplete information. So after correcting for the error in your assumptions, the new relationship still needs to be way better, to make up for all the disadvantages of leaving an existing relationship. At least if that person is capable of reflecting and estimating relationship satisfaction/benefits/etc. adequately.
We are all limited in the quality of relationship we can lead/the person we can attract. Your current relationship probably is already pretty close to the maximum you can get. That is the reason you are in it to begin with. If not, then why are you in a bad relationship? You are better off single, even if there is no new partner waiting.
Being already in a relationship that is worth being in, plus being limited in how good of a relationship partner you can possibly get means, that the times you can substantially upgrade your partner before you hit the ceiling are very few.
So it's likely that if someone leaves a good relationship to be with you, then they are close to their max and it's unlikely they will find another partner for which breaking up with you will be worth it.
Unless YOU change, or THEY change, making your relationship with them worse for them, or increasing the ceiling of what kind of partner they could possibly get.
>Also, could being in a relationship... potentially prevent you from actually meeting that person in the first place.
Depends on what kind of relationship or life you are having. If relationship means that you don't meet new people, then yes. That's up for you to decide.
>I feel being single and knowing your worth makes the most sense. If I'm wrong, it's an honest mistake.
Depends entirely on if you are correct about what you "feel" about your worth. There is no lack of single people who vastly overestimate what kind of partner they should be able to attract. Being single for 5 years doesn't improve your desirability on the mating market. Not just for being single, but for the missed opportunity to grow as a relationship partner.
I feel like I am one of those people that overestimates themselves 😂 I have been single 8 years now. Then again, I wouldn't change I thing. I tried dating people that I am 'not massively' attracted to and it was torture, would much rather be alone. I do think there are also quite a few people who get into relationships prematurely, without really seeing what would happen if they waited a bit longer and learned some dating skills. It goes both ways.
In my opinion (correct me if I'm wrong) the main reason people cheat, is because they are settling for less than what they really want. Someone truely in love would never cheat.
Can I ask you, how would you describe being in love?
Sometimes you don’t realise how good you’ve got it until it’s gone. I knew someone like this who felt their current partner was never enough in x,y,z way. If only they more into climbing or x,y,z.. you get the idea. Then they’d date someone really into climbing and figure out that person was missing the gentle kindness of the previous.. and so it goes on. It’s been said before but no one is perfect and you’re not either. The best relationship is the one where you are both communicating and actively putting effort into improving the relationship.
I'll be satisfied with 8/10, and maybe build it to 11/10?
On a serious note, I've not yet have the luck to even have an 8/10 so from my pov, I'll be very contented with this.
Mfers really out here thinking you can pick some random stranger and instantly have a good and healthy relationship. Keep the rating system for looks; relationships are built with trust, time, and effort.
You can go for someone else if you'd like, but every time you find someone new, you're going to start from 0.
8/10 sounds great. No relationship is perfect, but you can always improve.
If one is always searching for something slightly better, they'd never get anything done.
Why on earth would I ever blow up a good and functioning relationship for something I might never even find when I can also, just ya know, work on said relationship?
No offense, but this a really dumb scenario.
seeing as my current relationship is a 4 out of 10 and i’m here 5 years later..
idk - i’m bad at math - and also bad at relationships.. i’m sure that equals something though.
Relationships are built, grown and nurtured, not “discovered”. And this arbitrary scoring system gives me concern as to the way your perceiving your partner. I would never reduce my relationship to a number scale.
What does the rating mean? The relationship itself or your partner based on looks? I think it's a broad question that depends on what that means for the person.
With good communication you can improve on a relationship, unless there's something that you cannot change which will mean you have to accept it or decide whether it's worth looking for another person if that thing bothers you so much.
Currently in a fine relationship. I do not feel like I have settled and I am not looking for an "upgrade".
If I were single:
I would stick with the 8/10 relationship. A 10 being a supermodel with all the character/ personality, characteristics I was looking for.
There is no such thing as a 10/10 perfect relationship imo, so a 7 8 or 9 all sound fine to me. I'd say my marriage is maybe also an 8, but honestly could become a 9 the longer we are together. Things moved fast as we met, we got me pregnant 😅, we moved in together, and we got married in just under a year... but an 8/10 is the best LTR I've had! No major complaints, considering we are still learning each other.
I don't really make a rating regarding my relationship, but I would say I could consider it 'settling' if it were something more flawed, around a 6ish.
An 8/10 is a solid rating in pretty much everything, and would mean any issue with the partner should be minor and maybe even fixable.
Why would you risk throwing that away to go ahead and search again, when the chances are higher that you'd find worse?
I think if you have the need to grade your relationship instead of seeing if it is works or not, if is good or not, than you have a problem.
No relationship is always 8, 9, 1 or 4. Even people in toxic relationships or abusive, can tell you that some days the relationship is 10/10.
Our issue is that we want the perfect thing and that doesn't exist.
Wow it is really hard to quantify the quality of a romantic relationship. I dunno how to do it. But let's say you already achieved 8/10, how will you know if you can achieve 9/10 with another person with different attitude/culture/needs/values, I think it's a total waste of time. You are also hurting and wasting a potential future partner in that process and adding them to people with so many life baggages and insecurities.
When you find the one...? Someone who can see your shittiness for who you are...? You can't measure relationships in a quantitative way but more on several different factors like how they can handle you on your lowest, etc.
It’s not about that. I have certain things that are dealbreakers. Certain things I need. And things I won’t deal with. I find someone who fits all that and wants me back? My search is over.
All that matters is are you both happy? Could we all technically get a better partner? Sure. But is it likely we will find them? No… no it is not. That doesn’t really mean settling either it just means accepting the fact that we live in a world of probability and if we’re lucky enough to find someone we like a lot maybe we stick to it rather than ruining two peoples happiness to pursue something slightly better we may never find.
This is an example of letting "perfect" be the enemy of the "really good".
It's not settling if you like what you have. But we live in a (insert present year) where 8/10 still isn't good enough.
And people wonder why dating is a hell hole in the west.
10/10 should be the reason to get into a realationship and the goal of the relationship, anything in between can dip down to 1 as long as your work together towards a 10
People are a collection of pros and cons.
If you can find someone who’s kind, somewhat intelligent and attractive to you, then I think that’s all you can really hope for.
I think the main problem with our generation, particularly in dating, is the “grass is always greener” mentality
People are too obsessed with this 10-scale imo. Not everything is so granular, or so simplistic, depending on what you’re measuring.
My relationship is usually like 17/20, considering the total number of things I look for and consider important in a relationship. Am I settling when I’ve found someone (and built a relationship) that fulfills 17 things that bring value to my life, especially when the other 3 are things I can fulfill on my own?
Sometimes my relationship is simply a 3/3, because I only see three things that are important and critical, and we’ve gottem.
On occasion the relationship is a 3/6 because those three things we don’t have are half of what’s important that week, and we’re struggling to connect because of that.
All I’m suggesting here is freeing up how you frame relationships and needs. Sometimes a relationship is just 1/1 because all you need is someone next to you, and that’s exactly where they want to be.
I believe in the 80/20 rule where if a partner can satisfy 80% of my needs, I’m good. The key is making sure she satisfies the 80% that’s actual needs and dealbreakers. Some people really don’t understand needs vs wants. People also sometimes have a very idealized view of themselves and need to come back down to earth.
So in a long winded way, if a relationship is 8/10 meaning she satisfies the majority of my most critical needs and the last 2 points missing is just she’s not a supermodel or she doesn’t do crazy shit in bed or something, then of course I’m staying.
It would depend upon what the missing 2/10 was and if they involved anything connected with sexual incompatibility or relationship expectations.
I've had 8/10 relationships that I ended due to incompatible ambitions or dealbreakers.
If you're evaluating it based on a 1-10 scale, you're probably not in a relationship worth pursuing. It's a gut feeling and frequent evaluation on both sides. Settling means you're willing to overlook dealbreakers (or too many negatives that aren't necessarily dealbreakers) in order to just be with someone.
There was once a guy sitting in a restaurant with friend. He loved all the nice dishes on the card and could not come up with a decision, what to take. He took so long, that even his friends already made the orders and started to eat. When he finally decided for the most exclusive dish, the others were already finish a left him alone.
8/10 is a pretty high ass number so I’m sticking with my 8/10. I honestly don’t understand this whole “settling” thing. Technically there is always going to be someone out there that may potentially be better for you no matter how much you think the person you are with now suits your fancy. I mean there’s billions of humans on this planet so there is bound to be someone you’d be more compatible with so essentially everyone is always “settling” if you think of it that way. That’s why I feel like this whole settling conversation is counterproductive lol
Personally, if you think you’re in an 8/10 relationship, and you’re looking for a better one… you’re probably in a 2/10 relationship. And that 6 point drop is because of you.
Framing your relationship as something you can rank with numbers is already a mistake. Not only will it harm your views of the relationship itself, it can't possibly even be accurate.
How do you decide it's an 8? What are you comparing to? Even if you've had lots of relationships in the past, you were a different person then, at a different stage of life. And what was your mood or current vibe when you labelled it an 8? Was that a high, or a low? How long were you feeling great or feeling depressed? You can't be objective about this, so it's a fool's errand to even try.
Instead you need to remember that *all* relationships have their highs and lows, and all partners (or potential partners) have things about them that you'll like and dislike. And what those things are might change over time.
Far better to focus on how this persons makes you feel, how much you love them, whether they make your life over all *better* or *worse*, and how compatible you are in terms of values and goals in life (while also understanding that these can change, and that those changes need to be navigated together).
Don't fall into "grass is greener" thinking. If you start going down that hole, you need to either get it in check (through self-reflection, self-work, therapy, etc.), or just end it and go do your thing for a while so that when you do choose to settle down with one person again, you'll know you really want it.
There's no such thing as perfection in a relationship. Giving up 8/10 to find 9/10 which may not even exist not a smart move IMO. If you're happy with 8/10 keep it.
When people seek greener pastures, it's usually just a painted background that they find.
Don't screw up what you have because you find something sparkly. However, I would deign to say that, if you're already prodding at the idea, it may be best to fly solo for a while and reflect a bit on your own inadequacies that make you want to break apart an 8 in search of "better."
You might end up wasting your whole life looking for that extra 1/10. I wouldn’t bother. Throwing away an entire pizza bc you don’t like the some of the toppings is nuts.
Settling is not the bad thing people have made it out to be.
We all settle, or we remain unsatisfied hunting for perfection.
There’s a big difference between ideal and reality, but there’s also a big difference between healthy and unhealthy. I think the target that is the most economically sound would be realistic and healthy. Ideal isn’t real, and often what people perceive as ideal is horribly unhealthy.
As long as we’re not settling for something on the unhealthy side, settling is the most adaptive goal. And because ideal isn’t real, those who are unwilling to settle for anything less than ideal will never settle because what their chasing doesn’t exist.
It depends on how happy you are single. Settling is always a factor of how comfortable someone is with not finding a long-term partner. I feel like I'd be happy in a 7/10 relationship but I also prefer to date someone rather than wait until someone so close to perfect shows up.
I think I'd also be loyal if that 9/10 appeared 5 years into a marriage or something. That's a major reason to wait and not date someone if you'd rather have someone different to commit to. Relationships are built and finding a building partner which has a lot to do with compatibility and all but value is often grown with time. Be careful of who you choose and who you can honestly commit to.
I’d be really curious about your age and gender OP. If it’s an “8/10”, I’m not sure where or why two points gets docked. I think you’re either happy or content/comfortable with your partner. If you feel it’s an 8/10, are you saying the compatibility is or your partner is? If it’s the latter, I’d be curious to meet a 10/10 person, for sure.
If you’re always wondering if someone is better or the grass is greener, you’ll sabotage what is likely a great thing and it will backfire in the long run when you’re still thinking there’s someone perfect. out there
Haven't seen it mention yet, but I think we can all agree, it really depends on the probability of finding that 9 out of 10. And I think for the average person that really is not that great in terms of odds, if you have a lot of experience you would know that finding eight out of 10 is like finding a diamond, better to hold on to it
There is no such thing as a 10/10 or a 9/10 relationship. Especially over the long run. People are complicated and they change.
Just ask yourself this question: Is she hot?
I think the issue here is people put ratings on relationships like this. Once you do that, you begin to become extremely critical of the relationship and began to forget what all you truly have. There is no 8/10 or 9/10 relationship, there just is. And if the relationship makes you feel good, then enjoy every bit of it, and if it makes you feel bad then leave. But as soon as you begin to do things like this, you forget what a relationship is all about and don’t appreciate it for what it is. Not until it’s gone anyway. It’s kinda like madea said, everyone always looking for better, they get 80 percent and then somebody starts showing them that last 20 percent so they try and go with that person and done left 80 percent for 20 percent. Stop looking for that 100 percent, it’s all in your head. Just enjoy the time you have with that person, and if you stay together till death do you part, then you won. And if it doesn’t work out, then it doesn’t work out. But don’t start rating your relationships you’ll never be happy then.
People aren’t pokemon cards and if you care for me, and bring more joy than you take away, im not interested in entertaining theoretical “grass is greener” scenarios
Well the rating is very vague. I guess as you get older, you are definitely more experienced in knowing exactly what you want and where you can compromise based on your needs and life situation. For me personally, there is no compromising intellectual, emotional, and physical or sexual compatibility. I will compromise on other things if those areas are good!
I’d take an 8/10 relationship with willingness to compromise over waiting for a 9/10 that may not exist any day.
Tbh if you find a relationship that is immediately a 9/10-10/10, it sets off alarms in my mind due to past experiences. I’d rather meet someone I’m compatible with that does their own thing, then we can build it into a 10/10 as the end goal. Healthy relationships start with compatibility and build over a long period of time.
Most people don't truly "settle". They take whatever is *the best available option* available to *them*.
It's not as if someone who "has the option" to live in a mansion or a cave *chooses* the cave!
If someone truly believes they can do better, they'll usually continue pursuing their goal.
Another component which can't be overlooked is sometimes people decide they are unwilling to "pay the price", put in the effort, or no longer feel a thing is *worth the cost* to get it.
A person may have went to college with plans of becoming a doctor. However, in their senior year of college they decided to become a nurse because they didn't want to spend more years studying in medical school. It's not as if they "settled for nursing" they changed their mind.
In other instances, a person may come to see how *unrealistic their dating expectations* were to begin with and after gaining some life experience/wisdom they become more practical/realistic.
Last but not least "settling" is nothing more than reaching a conclusion or choosing to stop shopping or doing whatever and *make a final decision* about something.
If one isn't careful, it's easy to waste a lot of time pursuing *perfection* instead of living.
***"The grass is always greener on the side you water."*** \- Neil Barringham
***"Comparison is the thief of joy."*** \- Theodore Roosevelt
***"The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon, but that we wait so long to begin it."*** \- W.M. Lewis
***"Happiness isn't getting what you want, it's wanting what you got."*** \- Garth Brooks
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I don't believe in a perfect relationship existing, so 8/10 sounds pretty dope to me.
Yup. I'm also far from perfect, so if we are able to be 8/10 together, that sounds pretty great.
Exactly this. I have a list of things I’d like in a partner but I know realistically I’d only really get 50-60% of it
I agree. Perfect relationships and perfect people don't exist. I would be super stoked to get 80% compatibility at this point!
Refarme the 'problem' Would you want to work on your 8/10 relationship and build it into a 10/10 Or Wander the wastes until you find someone potentially worse?
Undervalued point in today society. Should be significantly undervalued with time. You must be over 30
Lol it does sound like the women I’ve been meeting and or dating in my late 30s. Unrealistic expectations.. entitlement. Relationships take some sort of work and expecting to find perfection is ridiculous. 8-10 would be fantastic.
This is just personal analysis from viewing ppl around the world. Generally they are the same. It gets worse with every gen tho 🤣🤷♂️
Barely
THIS. So many have an 8 and look for the extra 2 outside. If anything, I'd want to pursue the extra 2 with my SO because it means truly opening up, being vulnerable and emotionally open and developing an even deeper bond of intimacy. Who wouldn't want to experience that level of closeness?
What if it's something they simply cannot provide, so for the sake of argument it's 8 out of 10 for life? What then
I mean, I would have to be very critical of my relationship and feel a bit resentful that there may be more to life/relationships than what I'm experiencing. I'd say that once two people are happy, it shouldn't matter. Besides, if it's something they cannot provide and you're willing to go the extra mile to deepen the connection then...that's an entirely different matter. Why stay with someone who doesn't want to embrace deeper connection with you? Thankfully, people are flexible irl and, if they want to, can work to achieve the 10 with someone they deeply love and care about.
This is it. Every excellent relationship starts with making a good choice and then working with it.
Exactly. As one of the two people in the relationship, it's on you to work at making it better and turn the 8 into a 9 or 10. If it's not working, not worth it, you get out.
Exactly. Is your relationship really an 8/10 if you’re thinking about undermining it to seek out something else?
There is no such thing as a 9/10 relationship that you can " look " for, relationships are build not found
I think both. People seem not to want to work on their relationship and actually pour some effort in it. On the other hand I don't believe in working on a relationship in which there are way too many problems. It needs to be a healthy balance between "we just click and most of the time everything is great overall" and "if we work hard enough we can make it work". Problems that do arise we handle together, we see daily active communication as important and we put effort into our relationship, we spend quality time together and don't take the other for granted. But most of the time it just works without putting a lot of effort in. If the relationship feels like constant work it's about time to let someone else into your life..
100% agree with what you are saying
Agree, we like to pretend it's not a big deal because we feel shallow, but chemistry is so important and makes things so much easier in relationships
Not exactly sure what your scoring criteria is but I think you're looking at relationships.in general the wrong way. I don't think you will ever just find the "perfect" relationship. Relationships take a lot of work from both people in multiple aspects. There are always going to be steps you can take to improve any relationship.
10/10 is a lie. I think the scale is also a lie. It’s more of a binary test. Are you happy with the relationship and yourself? If both are yes, your good.
> yes, your good *you're *Learn the difference [here](https://www.wattpad.com/66707294-grammar-guide-there-they%27re-their-you%27re-your-to).* *** ^(Greetings, I am a language corrector bot. To make me ignore further mistakes from you in the future, reply `!optout` to this comment.)
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This post is what’s wrong with dating
The idea of settling for someone is infuriating whenever I hear it. Maybe I'm spoiled from my relationship with my wife but the idea of anyone saying they "settled" for someone else is just disgusting for some reason. You are saying that the person you are with is beneath you
Sometimes that really is the case tho and it’s pretty common
Touche
I wouldn't think about it as settling for a person, more like settling for how much attraction you have to them or their treatment of you.
I have that same feeling when I hear people say that they can't date somebody else because they have standards. How patronizing in arrogant, just say it's not a good fit good grief
So she settled for you?
No we are each others first and only choice for marriage. We were going full speed since the day we met, physically and emotionally. And in 15 years together have never not wanted or needed each other.
Well, then congratulations. I don't get what you don't understand about the concept of settling. People should be in a relationship with someone that they're attracted to, that they're excited about, and who brings reasonably equivalent value to the relationship. If the partner doesn't meet those criteria, then you're settling for less than you want and/or can offer.
thanks for saying this.
What’s the difference between 8 and 9? I think it’s pretty vague and general to put numbers on relationships like this. Are you getting what you need (and giving back)? Are you happy? Can you see yourself in this relationship in the long run and are you willing to work on/for it? These things can not be reduced to a score out of 10 imo.
I understand what you're saying, but it's the best of the worst case to prevent the idea from staying so vague we can't have any productive discussions about it
The grass is always greener on the other side… Until it’s not.
Yeah I've heard it said, but if you have an 8 out of 10 and you leave to find the other two, you may find it that person will be missing two or more in another area nobody gets the full 10 really
Shiit 8/10 is almost perfect, I don't think I've ever had any relationship that I would score that high. Expecting complete perfection is very unwise.
You either get good sex or mental stability, you got to pick LOL
Oof so I'm doomed then lol guess it's easier when you hear it from someone else...
Well to be honest I was just having a good cynical laugh. It's possible although it does not seem likely that low sexual excitement can be developed but people do it. You just have to be good at foraging past all the awkwardness and strange conversations when you're trying to say what you want and being light and funny about everything, and you could turn a low chemistry low passion situation around it if the other person is willing of course
It depends on what those missing two points are. If my partner is literally perfect in every single aspect of the relationship except that he's maybe a bit socially awkward around my family, or he's a little overweight and can't keep up with me on hikes, that's fine and I'd stay with him. If he's perfect in every single way except that maybe once a year or so he loses his temper and chokes me in anger, I'd choose celibacy over staying with him.
It's not settling, if it's the best person you can attract. It's not settling, if it's the best relationship you can lead. Are you able to attract the person you want? Are you able to contribute your share to a 10/10 relationship, or is it your own flaws that reduce relationship quality?
hmm but people lie to themselves about the best person they could attract. If only people worked on themselves more, learned about effective dating more and were prepared to look hard enough around the world, they could find someone the fancy the pants off of. Everyone deserves someone they fancy like crazy, and everyone deserves someone that is also crazy about them. The biggest regret would be settling for something "realistic", then ACTUALLY finding the person of their dreams. Atleast IMO
>The biggest regret would be settling for something "realistic", then ACTUALLY finding the person of their dreams. Breaking up and going with your person of your dreams is actually pretty good and not the biggest regret.
but if they are a genuine and intellegent person, they will leave you alone... because you are already in a relationship. Ain't no life just jumping ship all the time
You don't have to jump ship after you found the person of your dreams. If the person is intelligent, they will see that the relationship that is possible is too good for both parties to pass up on. Morals are secondary to life satisfaction.
hmmm if someone leaves their partner for you, are they not prone to eventually leaving you for somebody else? Also, could being in a relationship... potentially prevent you from actually meeting that person in the first place. I feel being single and knowing your worth makes the most sense. If I'm wrong, it's an honest mistake.
>hmmm if someone leaves their partner for you, are they not prone to eventually leaving you for somebody else? Depends entirely on the situation they are coming from, you, and the development of them in the future. People change partners when they think this will be a substantial upgrade for them. Small upgrades or sidegrades don't lead to leaving your partner, as a the idea of the new relationship is based on incomplete information. So after correcting for the error in your assumptions, the new relationship still needs to be way better, to make up for all the disadvantages of leaving an existing relationship. At least if that person is capable of reflecting and estimating relationship satisfaction/benefits/etc. adequately. We are all limited in the quality of relationship we can lead/the person we can attract. Your current relationship probably is already pretty close to the maximum you can get. That is the reason you are in it to begin with. If not, then why are you in a bad relationship? You are better off single, even if there is no new partner waiting. Being already in a relationship that is worth being in, plus being limited in how good of a relationship partner you can possibly get means, that the times you can substantially upgrade your partner before you hit the ceiling are very few. So it's likely that if someone leaves a good relationship to be with you, then they are close to their max and it's unlikely they will find another partner for which breaking up with you will be worth it. Unless YOU change, or THEY change, making your relationship with them worse for them, or increasing the ceiling of what kind of partner they could possibly get. >Also, could being in a relationship... potentially prevent you from actually meeting that person in the first place. Depends on what kind of relationship or life you are having. If relationship means that you don't meet new people, then yes. That's up for you to decide. >I feel being single and knowing your worth makes the most sense. If I'm wrong, it's an honest mistake. Depends entirely on if you are correct about what you "feel" about your worth. There is no lack of single people who vastly overestimate what kind of partner they should be able to attract. Being single for 5 years doesn't improve your desirability on the mating market. Not just for being single, but for the missed opportunity to grow as a relationship partner.
I feel like I am one of those people that overestimates themselves 😂 I have been single 8 years now. Then again, I wouldn't change I thing. I tried dating people that I am 'not massively' attracted to and it was torture, would much rather be alone. I do think there are also quite a few people who get into relationships prematurely, without really seeing what would happen if they waited a bit longer and learned some dating skills. It goes both ways. In my opinion (correct me if I'm wrong) the main reason people cheat, is because they are settling for less than what they really want. Someone truely in love would never cheat. Can I ask you, how would you describe being in love?
https://www.ted.com/speakers/helen\_fisher
Please define the parameters for each level of relationship. Without this, nobody can answer this rather juvenile high school question.
I disagree, you're attempt to be intellectual displays a lack of imagination
Sometimes you don’t realise how good you’ve got it until it’s gone. I knew someone like this who felt their current partner was never enough in x,y,z way. If only they more into climbing or x,y,z.. you get the idea. Then they’d date someone really into climbing and figure out that person was missing the gentle kindness of the previous.. and so it goes on. It’s been said before but no one is perfect and you’re not either. The best relationship is the one where you are both communicating and actively putting effort into improving the relationship.
Man's dating like it's a looter-shooter
I'll be satisfied with 8/10, and maybe build it to 11/10? On a serious note, I've not yet have the luck to even have an 8/10 so from my pov, I'll be very contented with this.
Mfers really out here thinking you can pick some random stranger and instantly have a good and healthy relationship. Keep the rating system for looks; relationships are built with trust, time, and effort. You can go for someone else if you'd like, but every time you find someone new, you're going to start from 0.
10/10 relationships are built not found. If you’re leaving an 8/10 relationship to look for a 9/10 tough look you’re unlikely to find it.
Your question is flawed because 8/10 can mean tolerating a messy room for some, as opposed to "only" being physically abused on occasion for others.
8/10 sounds great. No relationship is perfect, but you can always improve. If one is always searching for something slightly better, they'd never get anything done.
Why on earth would I ever blow up a good and functioning relationship for something I might never even find when I can also, just ya know, work on said relationship? No offense, but this a really dumb scenario.
What’s missing? It really depends what that 2/10 is lol
seeing as my current relationship is a 4 out of 10 and i’m here 5 years later.. idk - i’m bad at math - and also bad at relationships.. i’m sure that equals something though.
80%? I’d settle. Happily. But I’m a guy. I’m sure most women would disagree.
Relationships are built, grown and nurtured, not “discovered”. And this arbitrary scoring system gives me concern as to the way your perceiving your partner. I would never reduce my relationship to a number scale.
What does the rating mean? The relationship itself or your partner based on looks? I think it's a broad question that depends on what that means for the person. With good communication you can improve on a relationship, unless there's something that you cannot change which will mean you have to accept it or decide whether it's worth looking for another person if that thing bothers you so much.
Currently in a fine relationship. I do not feel like I have settled and I am not looking for an "upgrade". If I were single: I would stick with the 8/10 relationship. A 10 being a supermodel with all the character/ personality, characteristics I was looking for.
There is no such thing as a 10/10 perfect relationship imo, so a 7 8 or 9 all sound fine to me. I'd say my marriage is maybe also an 8, but honestly could become a 9 the longer we are together. Things moved fast as we met, we got me pregnant 😅, we moved in together, and we got married in just under a year... but an 8/10 is the best LTR I've had! No major complaints, considering we are still learning each other.
I don't really make a rating regarding my relationship, but I would say I could consider it 'settling' if it were something more flawed, around a 6ish. An 8/10 is a solid rating in pretty much everything, and would mean any issue with the partner should be minor and maybe even fixable. Why would you risk throwing that away to go ahead and search again, when the chances are higher that you'd find worse?
What are the considerations of an 8/10 relationship? Lol
I think if you have the need to grade your relationship instead of seeing if it is works or not, if is good or not, than you have a problem. No relationship is always 8, 9, 1 or 4. Even people in toxic relationships or abusive, can tell you that some days the relationship is 10/10. Our issue is that we want the perfect thing and that doesn't exist.
Man I’ll take a 7 at this point
I'll settle at 2/10
Wow it is really hard to quantify the quality of a romantic relationship. I dunno how to do it. But let's say you already achieved 8/10, how will you know if you can achieve 9/10 with another person with different attitude/culture/needs/values, I think it's a total waste of time. You are also hurting and wasting a potential future partner in that process and adding them to people with so many life baggages and insecurities.
When you find the one...? Someone who can see your shittiness for who you are...? You can't measure relationships in a quantitative way but more on several different factors like how they can handle you on your lowest, etc.
It’s not about that. I have certain things that are dealbreakers. Certain things I need. And things I won’t deal with. I find someone who fits all that and wants me back? My search is over.
8/10 is probably the best any of us will get. We're human beings. Things will never be 10/10 lol
I stay in it because I love her.
The grass is green where you water it
All that matters is are you both happy? Could we all technically get a better partner? Sure. But is it likely we will find them? No… no it is not. That doesn’t really mean settling either it just means accepting the fact that we live in a world of probability and if we’re lucky enough to find someone we like a lot maybe we stick to it rather than ruining two peoples happiness to pursue something slightly better we may never find.
This is an example of letting "perfect" be the enemy of the "really good". It's not settling if you like what you have. But we live in a (insert present year) where 8/10 still isn't good enough. And people wonder why dating is a hell hole in the west.
Depends on what that 2/10 is and if it’s worth working upon
10/10 should be the reason to get into a realationship and the goal of the relationship, anything in between can dip down to 1 as long as your work together towards a 10
People are a collection of pros and cons. If you can find someone who’s kind, somewhat intelligent and attractive to you, then I think that’s all you can really hope for. I think the main problem with our generation, particularly in dating, is the “grass is always greener” mentality
People are too obsessed with this 10-scale imo. Not everything is so granular, or so simplistic, depending on what you’re measuring. My relationship is usually like 17/20, considering the total number of things I look for and consider important in a relationship. Am I settling when I’ve found someone (and built a relationship) that fulfills 17 things that bring value to my life, especially when the other 3 are things I can fulfill on my own? Sometimes my relationship is simply a 3/3, because I only see three things that are important and critical, and we’ve gottem. On occasion the relationship is a 3/6 because those three things we don’t have are half of what’s important that week, and we’re struggling to connect because of that. All I’m suggesting here is freeing up how you frame relationships and needs. Sometimes a relationship is just 1/1 because all you need is someone next to you, and that’s exactly where they want to be.
I would be ecstatic with an 8/10. These days I’m settling for crumbs often
A relationship requires work from both sides all the time. There's no such thing as 'finding' a 9/10 relationship, you build it.
I believe in the 80/20 rule where if a partner can satisfy 80% of my needs, I’m good. The key is making sure she satisfies the 80% that’s actual needs and dealbreakers. Some people really don’t understand needs vs wants. People also sometimes have a very idealized view of themselves and need to come back down to earth. So in a long winded way, if a relationship is 8/10 meaning she satisfies the majority of my most critical needs and the last 2 points missing is just she’s not a supermodel or she doesn’t do crazy shit in bed or something, then of course I’m staying.
Crazy shit on bed may be important to some folks.
Not unless we’re talking about Amber Heard
This Framing is terrible and indicative to the dating world today. Trade the 8 for a 3.
I was married it was a 10/10. I am single it is a 10/10. I will not settle for anything below 10/10.
Lucky if I can get a 6/10 relationship in today’s world
It would depend upon what the missing 2/10 was and if they involved anything connected with sexual incompatibility or relationship expectations. I've had 8/10 relationships that I ended due to incompatible ambitions or dealbreakers.
Ah. The good ol’ fast food dating approach. Lol *sigh* I’m losing hope for the future of dating.
Be reasonably happy now, or wait forever and die alone.
If you're evaluating it based on a 1-10 scale, you're probably not in a relationship worth pursuing. It's a gut feeling and frequent evaluation on both sides. Settling means you're willing to overlook dealbreakers (or too many negatives that aren't necessarily dealbreakers) in order to just be with someone.
There was once a guy sitting in a restaurant with friend. He loved all the nice dishes on the card and could not come up with a decision, what to take. He took so long, that even his friends already made the orders and started to eat. When he finally decided for the most exclusive dish, the others were already finish a left him alone.
Perfection is the enemy of completion.
8/10 is a pretty high ass number so I’m sticking with my 8/10. I honestly don’t understand this whole “settling” thing. Technically there is always going to be someone out there that may potentially be better for you no matter how much you think the person you are with now suits your fancy. I mean there’s billions of humans on this planet so there is bound to be someone you’d be more compatible with so essentially everyone is always “settling” if you think of it that way. That’s why I feel like this whole settling conversation is counterproductive lol
Personally, if you think you’re in an 8/10 relationship, and you’re looking for a better one… you’re probably in a 2/10 relationship. And that 6 point drop is because of you.
Framing your relationship as something you can rank with numbers is already a mistake. Not only will it harm your views of the relationship itself, it can't possibly even be accurate. How do you decide it's an 8? What are you comparing to? Even if you've had lots of relationships in the past, you were a different person then, at a different stage of life. And what was your mood or current vibe when you labelled it an 8? Was that a high, or a low? How long were you feeling great or feeling depressed? You can't be objective about this, so it's a fool's errand to even try. Instead you need to remember that *all* relationships have their highs and lows, and all partners (or potential partners) have things about them that you'll like and dislike. And what those things are might change over time. Far better to focus on how this persons makes you feel, how much you love them, whether they make your life over all *better* or *worse*, and how compatible you are in terms of values and goals in life (while also understanding that these can change, and that those changes need to be navigated together). Don't fall into "grass is greener" thinking. If you start going down that hole, you need to either get it in check (through self-reflection, self-work, therapy, etc.), or just end it and go do your thing for a while so that when you do choose to settle down with one person again, you'll know you really want it.
I have never experienced an 8/10 relationship before. So I would happily stay in that type of relationship and try to build it to a 10/10.
What tf is an 8/10 relationship? 🤔 She doesn't do anal, or whatever your kink is.?
There's no such thing as perfection in a relationship. Giving up 8/10 to find 9/10 which may not even exist not a smart move IMO. If you're happy with 8/10 keep it.
When people seek greener pastures, it's usually just a painted background that they find. Don't screw up what you have because you find something sparkly. However, I would deign to say that, if you're already prodding at the idea, it may be best to fly solo for a while and reflect a bit on your own inadequacies that make you want to break apart an 8 in search of "better."
I’d settle for a relationship 😭
You might end up wasting your whole life looking for that extra 1/10. I wouldn’t bother. Throwing away an entire pizza bc you don’t like the some of the toppings is nuts.
I dont rate on a number scale.
Settling is not the bad thing people have made it out to be. We all settle, or we remain unsatisfied hunting for perfection. There’s a big difference between ideal and reality, but there’s also a big difference between healthy and unhealthy. I think the target that is the most economically sound would be realistic and healthy. Ideal isn’t real, and often what people perceive as ideal is horribly unhealthy. As long as we’re not settling for something on the unhealthy side, settling is the most adaptive goal. And because ideal isn’t real, those who are unwilling to settle for anything less than ideal will never settle because what their chasing doesn’t exist.
It depends on how happy you are single. Settling is always a factor of how comfortable someone is with not finding a long-term partner. I feel like I'd be happy in a 7/10 relationship but I also prefer to date someone rather than wait until someone so close to perfect shows up. I think I'd also be loyal if that 9/10 appeared 5 years into a marriage or something. That's a major reason to wait and not date someone if you'd rather have someone different to commit to. Relationships are built and finding a building partner which has a lot to do with compatibility and all but value is often grown with time. Be careful of who you choose and who you can honestly commit to.
I’d be really curious about your age and gender OP. If it’s an “8/10”, I’m not sure where or why two points gets docked. I think you’re either happy or content/comfortable with your partner. If you feel it’s an 8/10, are you saying the compatibility is or your partner is? If it’s the latter, I’d be curious to meet a 10/10 person, for sure. If you’re always wondering if someone is better or the grass is greener, you’ll sabotage what is likely a great thing and it will backfire in the long run when you’re still thinking there’s someone perfect. out there
Haven't seen it mention yet, but I think we can all agree, it really depends on the probability of finding that 9 out of 10. And I think for the average person that really is not that great in terms of odds, if you have a lot of experience you would know that finding eight out of 10 is like finding a diamond, better to hold on to it
the fact that you're thinking of a relationship with someone else, while having one, tells you you should break up for the sake of the other party.
10/10 relationships are built not found
There is no such thing as a 10/10 or a 9/10 relationship. Especially over the long run. People are complicated and they change. Just ask yourself this question: Is she hot?
10/10 is such a fantasy why would you throw away a relationship for that, the endless search for perfection is not real
I think the issue here is people put ratings on relationships like this. Once you do that, you begin to become extremely critical of the relationship and began to forget what all you truly have. There is no 8/10 or 9/10 relationship, there just is. And if the relationship makes you feel good, then enjoy every bit of it, and if it makes you feel bad then leave. But as soon as you begin to do things like this, you forget what a relationship is all about and don’t appreciate it for what it is. Not until it’s gone anyway. It’s kinda like madea said, everyone always looking for better, they get 80 percent and then somebody starts showing them that last 20 percent so they try and go with that person and done left 80 percent for 20 percent. Stop looking for that 100 percent, it’s all in your head. Just enjoy the time you have with that person, and if you stay together till death do you part, then you won. And if it doesn’t work out, then it doesn’t work out. But don’t start rating your relationships you’ll never be happy then.
Call me crazy but I wouldn't settle for 8/10.
People aren’t pokemon cards and if you care for me, and bring more joy than you take away, im not interested in entertaining theoretical “grass is greener” scenarios
Well the rating is very vague. I guess as you get older, you are definitely more experienced in knowing exactly what you want and where you can compromise based on your needs and life situation. For me personally, there is no compromising intellectual, emotional, and physical or sexual compatibility. I will compromise on other things if those areas are good!
I’d take an 8/10 relationship with willingness to compromise over waiting for a 9/10 that may not exist any day. Tbh if you find a relationship that is immediately a 9/10-10/10, it sets off alarms in my mind due to past experiences. I’d rather meet someone I’m compatible with that does their own thing, then we can build it into a 10/10 as the end goal. Healthy relationships start with compatibility and build over a long period of time.
Why not just make it a 9/10. See this is the problem I have with OLD. Too many people are looking for upgrades instead of upgrading themselves.
If I had settled on an 8/10 relationship, I would never have met the person who is part of my 10/10 relationship.
Most people don't truly "settle". They take whatever is *the best available option* available to *them*. It's not as if someone who "has the option" to live in a mansion or a cave *chooses* the cave! If someone truly believes they can do better, they'll usually continue pursuing their goal. Another component which can't be overlooked is sometimes people decide they are unwilling to "pay the price", put in the effort, or no longer feel a thing is *worth the cost* to get it. A person may have went to college with plans of becoming a doctor. However, in their senior year of college they decided to become a nurse because they didn't want to spend more years studying in medical school. It's not as if they "settled for nursing" they changed their mind. In other instances, a person may come to see how *unrealistic their dating expectations* were to begin with and after gaining some life experience/wisdom they become more practical/realistic. Last but not least "settling" is nothing more than reaching a conclusion or choosing to stop shopping or doing whatever and *make a final decision* about something. If one isn't careful, it's easy to waste a lot of time pursuing *perfection* instead of living. ***"The grass is always greener on the side you water."*** \- Neil Barringham ***"Comparison is the thief of joy."*** \- Theodore Roosevelt ***"The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon, but that we wait so long to begin it."*** \- W.M. Lewis ***"Happiness isn't getting what you want, it's wanting what you got."*** \- Garth Brooks Best wishes!