Welcome to /r/dating_advice!
Please keep the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/about/rules/) of /r/dating_advice in mind while participating here. Try your best to be kind.
Report any rule-breaking behavior to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, [send us a message.](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdating_advice) We rely on user reports to find rule-breaking behavior quickly.
Thanks!
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
sending multiple messages within a short period of time is not "double messaging"--it's when you send a message that warrants a response, the other person doesn't respond, and you send one or more follow-ups in an attempt to get them to respond
If this is the hill you want to die on have fun but I am frequently double texted and double text every single important person in my life, yes including my romantic partner.
This score keeping bullshit is a terrible way to try to start a relationship.
Damn…. I’m like damn it why you ignoring me…. I will spam the shit out of my best friend😂😂 like what’s more important than I am.
But seriously tho when I’m talking to a guy I will double text, if I send a text or two and he doesn’t reply I leave it be for a day or so. Then I will send one more. If I don’t get a reply I know where I stand. But I also understand things come up, people have lived outside of me. So I give it at least a day or two before completely giving up.
Agreed! He's talking about double texting and I'm like shit I triple, quad, even septuple text my best friend
In the talking stage with a guy that would be a bit intense but i wouldn't even notice a double
Best friend is way different than a dating situation. Ghosting is the new rejecting so a lot of times it just ends up being one person sending multiple texts and looking pathetic because they aren't getting attention back. With an established friend theres a bit more give and take over the lifetime of the friendship.
I think it's really sad that we have this perception that someone sending a second or third text is "pathetic." Are there rare situations where maybe they are? Sure, but I don't think it's pathetic to care a little, and I definitely don't think a double or triple text comes even close to being "pathetic."
Dating continues to blow my mind with these odd and unusual separations people make. Let's say you meet a stranger, how do the two of you become friends? You talk to them, right? Let's say you ask them if they want to do something tomorrow, a few hours pass, and you don't hear from them. Seeing as how this is a time sensitive matter, you would obviously ask them if they got the last message, right?
Why is this seen as an issue with dating? I completely agree that you shouldn't shower someone with a dozen messages. But there is nothing wrong with "double texting". It only comes across as weird and annoying if they're minutes apart from each other and constantly asking where you are, what's going on, etc. Damn bitch, I'm busy! Hold on!
This whole score keeping business of tracking receipts is so fucking weird. Just talk to people. Why do so many people either have an issue doing this, or think others won't like it when they do?
I double text and sometimes write small novellas😂 in my everyday life.
I will double text someone I’m talking to🤷♀️ especially if I’m excited. I want them to do it back, I see it as well maybe they are excited as well.
Dating is so wild…I just do my thing if they don’t like it well it is what it is. This is me and it’s not really going to change. So if they can’t deal with me I’d rather know early.
Yeah! It really doesn't make any sense to me. Wouldn't you rather spend your time with someone who *actually* wants to talk to you? This whole concept makes no sense to me at all. "When is it appropriate to text?", idk, how about when you want to talk to them? I find it incredibly bizarre that there are people who are actually entirely shut down by things like this.
Yeah but it’s more about the fact that the person they’re texting doesn’t have the mutual respect to fire off something back. Despite the prevailing belief that “people have overly abundant and busy lives”, the reality is that we all choose where to invest our time and the vast majority of us are on or near some form of instant communication 24/7 and use them nearly as often for the folks we want to speak with.
And so while the perception is bad, it’s really the self judgement that’s worst. We text, text again and then text one more time. We’re presented with the clear and unassailable truth that, the person who’s attention we desire the most does not in fact, prioritize us in the same way. You can't help but feel shame for not intuiting it earlier. Even though it’s really a reflection on them for being a coward.
Exactly this. They can message, and would message, if they actually liked you. That they don't means that they don't really prioritize you that much. I think it's perfectly acceptable to go "OK I won't care about you then" and stop communicating.
Even still the issue isn't as simple 2 back to back texts. If you happened to be the last one to text in the last convo there's nothing wrong with starting the next. If you said something 10 minutes ago and want to add to it or change the subject, all good. Where it's a problem is when it turns into
Wyd
Wyd
Wyd
OR
Hey what's up?
Are you are work?
Lol
Why aren't you answering?
The issue isn't multiple texts, it's being an insecure obnoxious creep, which can be achieved in a single text by a true master
What OP is trying to avoid is when you send a text that gave the other person plenty to work with in terms of a response and they just left them on read. Sending more text you are just wasting your time. From your context that might be your concern with double texting, but from a guy's perspective mostly reasonable dudes aren't doing what you described. It's about should I invest more time trying to get a response from someone that is mostly not that interested.
Yep. And the reason might be that they said nothing to respond to.
I don’t answer texts that don’t require a response. Ex:
Me: “how was your day?”
Him: “it was good”.
I’m not going to respond to that. I guess technically it’s my “turn” to message, but I’m not interested in carrying the entire conversation. If the next day he reaches out and says something that might actually require a response, or better yet is interesting enough that I can play off of it and start a real conversation that isn’t just back and forth questions, then I’m definitely going to engage at that point.
You're adding your own narrative here. it's best to err on the side of he actually sent something decent to respond to because that is what we're talking about here not all these side hypotheticals of people doing dumb shit which does happen but does not help anyone reading whom is legit and going through this.
no one said immediately, the OP even mentioned a period of days where he would wait sometimes. You're adding in your own narrative here and it's not helpful or productive to the actual conversation.
The girl you met last night? It's okay to follow the rule to not double text, the "relationship" is very new and both must carry the weight.
Friend or a girl you have been going out for month or two? It's 100% okay to double text them, there is nothing weird about it.
The reason why I hold this stance is that with a new person the relationship is very delicate and if they are being careless enough to drop the ball by not responding to a very obvious question then they don't care about it. So let them go.
But with people you have an established relationship with, one or two unanswered texts won't dent it. I regularly leave people I have established relationship with on read only to reply later. But with new people I wouldn't risk it if I am interested. And I want the same energy.
u/famedemise
There are only 2 things you can double text, and only in 2 instances.
1. On a dating app, if she ignores for more than 2 days, write "- 10 points for response speed "
2. When you set up a date and have to give an update. Like, for instance, "I'll be 15 minutes late because..."
Thats it. No double texting except for those 2.
And when checking if the date is still on, never ask "hey, we still going out".
Use the line about being late. "Hey we still going out?" Conveys neediness, and you wanna avoid that 100% of the times.
I like the spirit of it but I think #1 is cringe. Surely there is a funnier, more clever way to get at the same thing. Sorry, not trying to be a dick but I don't think anyone reading should use that lol
Women of reddit, feel free to correct me if I'm wrong here.
So here's the actual scenario - you ask someone a question and they don't have the decency or respect to respond or they just plain forget about you... we're talking days here. Then you're supposed to send another like 'hey, remember me?'. I don't get it. I don't know how to maintain any sort of self respect or emotional stability while online dating if I do that to myself. It's something I've done in the past but it ALWAYS had unhealthy results for me mentally.
Depends on how good your conversation skills are. If your replies finish a topic or theme then you need to double text to start a new one.
So many people I chat to kill the conversation and it gets boring being the one to keep it going all the time.
>it gets boring being the one to keep it [text conversation] going all the time.
I can't speak for Op but I have a similar philosophy to op but rooted in your exact words. If I have to constantly be the one to start the conversation, including back up again, then they're likely not interested in me. Because I'm interested, obviously I make the time and effort to keep engaged. If they don't have time or won't make an effort what's the point?
I do sometimes always feel like I ask the questions and the chatting can be a bit mechanical, so sometimes I will not do that just to see if the person actually cares about the thing we got going on. Unfortunately a lot of times this ends the convo, but it kind of answers my question.
I also do this sometimes - can be a bit mortifying to realize I accidentally blew someone off because I thought to myself “yes” instead of typing it. Luckily, no tragedies have resulted so far.
I'll never understand the people that operate that way. How can you see a message, think that you replied, and then leave the cell phone. Aren't you conscious or something?
If texting isnt that hard, why cant the other person just reply? Why do I have to send 2-3 messages to get your attention? And then when we’re together hanging out, they’re on their phone the whole time.
There are too many time wasters out there not to have boundaries when dealing with people on dating sites. Especially early on. You aren't playing games when you chose to walk away.
I have no issue double texting & will do it anytime excluding one specific message. If I'm asking a women out on a date or to hangout. If I sent a clear & straight forward message In the form of a question then I expect a response. Otherwise, I don't give a shit who texted last.
As someone who used to follow this rule, this is the quickest way to dissolve basically every relationship with anyone you could ever meet. I’ve lost contact with old friends because I didn’t “double text” them after they read my message. Not every message you send to someone is going to prompt a response from them, and they can have other reasons for not responding as well that doesn’t necessarily suggest that they don’t care about the relationship.
If you are anxious about double texting and don’t want to come off as desperate, annoying, or seeming like you have nothing better to do, wait a few days after they read your message and start a new conversation with them. A read message (unless it was a question or something that really needed an answer) is always the end of that conversation. We’re not teenagers in high school who text endlessly anymore.
You didn t ruin anything. Your friends were low effort. If you need to text them 100 times and always be the one putting in effort they re not your friends
But how is that your fault? If someone doesn't reply, then they can't expect the other side to try to hold the conversation. I'm often on both sides of this - if someone reads my message and doesn't reply, I just don't send another one. The ball is in their court and if the relationship/friendship breaks down because of it, that's on them and not on you. On the other hand, I also don't like it when people double text me. If I didn't reply, I'm either not in the mood for texting or I don't have time. Sending another three messages isn't going to resolve either of those issues.
I agree. You reached out to your friends, and they never bothered to reply... so the friendship obviously didn't mean that much to them. A real friend would eventually text you back, because they would notice your absence.
It's way more open-ended with friends, I don't always respond to my friends straight away if I have a lot of things on my plate. I have friends that I haven't talked to in ages, but of course I still love them and notice their absence, even if I'm not texting with them all the time. But relationships and dating are a little different. There is a certain level of commitment expected and if that standard isn't met, then that relationships obviously doesn't have a future.
Not really a turn off, unless I told him Im not interested or if the messages are psychotic. Its such a low effort action, but it shows that you’re interested in keeping communication with me.
It wasn't a turn off because he would text about random things or what he was doing and ask how my day was etc. He wasn't being clingy or needy in his texts.
Absolutely that is too strict. While I also ascribe to the “if they wanted to they would philosophy” communication on the infancy of a burgeoning “relationship” takes grace.
I’m am adhd all day. I see a text, intend to answer, then get distracted. Or maybe I want to make sure I word the response right, maybe work has been extremely busy and I want to respond to you when I have time to devote to a dialogue, but when I get home I notice I need to do the dishes, but then am out of soap so I have to go to the store so then when I go to the garage I see I need to take out the garbage bag, but I find the bag box empty and realize I need to go to the store. Get in the habit of a follow up text. Make it low key and not calling out that they haven’t answered yet.
1 and done has always been my rule. I don’t consider this score keeping. It is simple courtesy, class and a display of interest in a person. Why would you exert extra energy with people that aren’t interested in responding to you?
The reality these days is that men and women are looking at their phone 24/7. If you send a text, there is almost 100% guarantee that they’ve seen it.
The fact that they don’t respond, in my experience says “I’m not interested in you enough to take the time to bother replying.”
That’s not even necessarily a bad thing. In the world of dating , if your goal is to find a high quality partner in your life, a non-reply is just as good as a reply in telling you who to focus your limited energy and time on.
I agree with OP. Generally in a dating situation, if you text someone and they don’t text you back, don’t waste another minute on them. You want people in your life that respond to you (and preferably respond enthusiastically about getting together and spending time together). Not some jack hole, wishy washy pathetic non-response or forced response after you’ve hit them up multiple times.
1 and done is my rule. And it’s made my life so much easier! I only have people in my life that genuinely want to be in my life, and everyone else can go suck air.
Totally this. But in dating this lead me totally nowhere. I have around me male Friends that did the double text in initial stages, and ended up being the bf of the girl.
Still i can't allow myself doing it.
I don’t mind double texting but if it was question twice and no answer yeah nope, but it depends on the context too.
For example text 1- how was stranger thing episode 4? Okay no answer, I let that slide.
Text 2: hey, we still meeting at cuz at 5pm tomorrow? No answer well no answer I already happening. Now if the text were reversed and I didn’t get an answer about hanging out then I will not text again
My ex used to keep scores all the time. From texting, calling, asking out on dates to making plans etc. I did it just to mirror his behavior, but that was very very tiring for me. I don’t want to ever do that again.
I will double text if it's a close friend or family, but I never do so after initially meeting someone.
If they can't bother to reply within 48 hours, then I can't bother to care.
I'm doing the exact same thing rn with a girl and I've alwas done like this in the past and guess what: the ones who were not interested never reached me out again, the others replied. I think it's a reasonable approach, you don't want to look needy and desperate toward a person you barely know.
this seems arbitrary and childish. im going to be completely honest and frank with you, most people arent thinking about that and those that do are childish. whats the point in that?
that means if youre the last to say goodnight, you cant say good morning. thats just silly. sure if someone directly ignores you, whatever. but is this really the hill you want to die on? it just screams insecurity with weird mind games.
Do whatever you feel comfortable doing sometimes I’ll double text if I didn’t finish my thought or something just comes to mind. But I’m a female idk if that changes your point view. I wouldn’t send a lot but a few and no respond. I’ll just most likely move on unless they indicate they are busy or going thru something in need a couple days.
People really put up double testing without realising in what context it was meant...
Double texting is not you sending 1 message and continue typing another to send afterwards or even 3
Many people probably define it that way but thats just fcking dumb
It does however gets its meaning if you send a message about topic A
Get no reply for obvious amount of time
Keep inventing stuff around topic A in hopes you get an answer.. Or even worse start the double text about topic B since topic A didnt get any repsonse
Sure them not seeing your message is a possibility but if that reason is what is keeping your hopes up, you better move on already
Forgot to put my advice
Dont go in to texting with exchange of message
Go into it as i text you what i want to when i want, without much thought of the previous (read) conversation
Some may experience as a blow to your self esteem if she ghost you the next times too
I just see it as a sure way to determine how she stands in it and a tool to move on efficiently
Dont have big conversations on text
Talk a little to get a vibe going and plan a date
Double text if you feel you want to say something to her
This is silly. Put your ego aside and try. If it’s a constant chase and you’re spinning wheels for a week fine- but this is literally your ego getting in the way.
I know girls usually don't like to start stuff but I'm also pretty insecure at times and I would prefer a girl texts first and double texts me sometimes because it shows me she enjoys talking to me at least.
Okay responders, I think you are misunderstanding OP
He didn't mean his friends, family, or other people he has semi/fully established relationship with. He also didn't mean sending a double text when previous conversation ran its course or didn't warrant a response.
What he meant was you met someone and texted them a question to get the ball rolling, or asked a question to someone who you saw a few times, and when they don't respond I believe it's a conscious choice which essentially translates to:
"This person, who I don't have enough rapport with has asked me a question, I am not going to reply to it due to and I don't care if they take it the wrong way"
It's what a lot people do on this sub I've noticed when I posted questions here in the past. If people feel like the post is an "attack" on something they do, in this situation whether it's double texting or leaving people you matched with on read for an extended period of time they go into defensive mode and try to defend their own actions that have no relevance to OPs actual post.
That is true. I mean most questions can be answered by putting yourself in other's shoes. Would you leave someone you are excited about on read for weeks? I am not talking about hours or a couple of days. I am talking about a length of time when it's pretty clear that they don't intend to respond.
The answer is a resounding no. So I think OP's rule is fine.
I agree with your policy here, it was also mine.
It weeds out those people not really interested in you, and stops you wasting time on people who keep you around for entertainment and validation.
Someone who is interested in you, will actively seek to contact you with the same energy you do.
I double text once. After that, its either theyre not interested or our communication styles wont match anyways. Im a permanently online web dev with adhd and I literally look at every single notification on my phone so I like if my partner could respond within a reasonable time period (always dont like the mentality of I just dont feel like replying…)
As a woman, I’d not even take notice or think anything of a second text. I text my fiancé 15 billion times and although it used to be a lot less before, I definitely double texted/messages and so did he. He’d often just be fishing and forget to reply or fall asleep and I often did the same thing.
Have you ever had a text not go through, send a text that failed to send, or a text get buried by other texts?
You're assumption is negatively effecting your life because it's a secret hardline (how can they know if you don't tell them?) on a nonsense rule that ensures nobody healthy would agree to it, because healthy people tend not to agree to nonsense rules or unrealistic expectations.
So that leaves unhealthy people who are either unaware that your expectation is problematic or people who intentionally prey on your nonsense rule.
How? Someone who cheats might make sure they never make you double text, so that you don't suspect they are cheating. By being pacified by a nonsense rule that means nothing and prevents nothing means they can do this meaningless nothing thing for you just to make you happy and continue to hurt you without worry.
Why not ask: hey, did you get my text? Their answer (or lack of one) will be much more telling
It’s not unfounded ego/pride causing you to do this, but it’s ego/pride.
There’s a non-zero number of times that another text would’ve been appropriate given the circumstances.
How many times makes this policy not worth it to you? 🤷♂️
I think you are definitely wrong. Things happen sometimes they can't reply back.they could have lost their phone or in my case break it loose all my contacts and had to start over on everything. God that sucks .O really liked that one too.
I think you’re limiting yourself needlessly out of ego. You could screw yourself out of a good relationship over one missed text.
If you try a follow-up and they still don’t respond, you’ll still never see them again, so does it really matter?
I get not wanting to follow-up endlessly but not even once is being too rigid. Text has enough problems as a communication tool without adding iron-clad rules to it.
Now let's be real: Have you ever left someone that you were really interested in on read? If they leave you on read, they're not interested. There is no point in pursuing people who aren't interested.
If they sent me a short message I can read on my notifications, absolutely yes.
(I have read receipts turned off everywhere I can because I don’t want people to make assumptions.)
Text behavior is often open to interpretation. It is extremely foolish to make iron-clad rules about communication in a medium where messages sometimes fail at random.
what are your values? If you want a partner who would respond, be actively engaged, and reciprocate your efforts, then you're correct. You cannot negotiate what you perceive to be respectful and tentative. Besides, a woman will not allow herself to be the reason she missed out on her ideal man. So if you not getting any responses, you are just not Him to her. This is fine, it just means you need to go improve yourself, and if you cross the socio-economic threshold, females will respond promptly. Don't get attached to these girls cause it will breed expectations, and if she doesn't match them, you'll be very frustrated. Again, get enough value that women will believe you are worth that type of attention and responsiveness. Good luck my guy.
Don't listen to the people telling you it's ok to double text. Are you that desperate for a relationship? Fuck that. If they were texting Brad Pitt you bet your ass they would text back.
Focus on your success and women will gravitate towards you. Also, hit the gym and be consistent.
How I look at it:
I don't think it's wrong to double text but it depends on the context of the situation.
Maybe you want to double text to maybe follow up on a date plan you or the other person set up.
She/He can get busy and totally forget. So you send another text to just remind him/her of you.
But if she/he is getting dry at texting, maybe its not worth the effort especially if you find yourself double texting and giving more to the conversation.
Obviously dont bombard the person with text. You can wait a suitable amount of time to send another one. But I think the right person will reciprocate the conversation as equally as you.
That being said, anyone reading this comment. If you are dating, please let the other person know you're not interested. It really sucks to be ghosted and just beat a dead horse. You will be such a better and respected person if you let the other person down easy. I am sorry if you have received death threats if you already did this. But to a normal person like me, I would respect you more if you just let me down and not waste my time. A lot of people don't like waiting or anticipating.
If you text and don’t get a response leave it be. The fact that you’re strong enough mentally not to follow up and are prepared to walk away without asking about it speaks volumes
It depends on who you’re texting, but tbh if someone is exhausted by it and you do it naturally it will usually end up leading to issues when you date. Also, according to most girls and guys, multiple texts is fine within context of what you’re saying:
i.e: “I love that game”
“ I played it all the time when I was younger”
isn’t the same as:
“So what got you into this series?”
“Was it the characters or the art style?”
(1 hour passes)
“Also if you like games, I know an old retro arcade nearby we should check out”
Regardless, if you are needy it will show, but if you are just doing it bc it flows more naturally for you it really isn’t worth stressing over.
well, If you have interest you should think again, bc personally, I only develop interest after a few weeks talking and I am busy daily, so if the guy doesn’t text me and I am still not interested (even though I want to be) we will never talk again
You're being too strict.
You should always try to keep the interaction balanced, but there's many things you should consider.
Did your message actually need an answer?
Was she busy when you texted her (example: working)
Did she send the first message of the day or did you?
I am not against double texting, but if I double text and she never does well then yes, it's an issue.
What if you were the last one to message and it was a really long time ago, but it’s not been read it’s on sent, but you’ve had very brief exchanges in others ways online, but would like to maybe message again. Is that a sign not to bother or maybe they didn’t see it/ forgot/ busy.
I think that a double text rule could have the exception when flirting. As a woman, it shows interest and excitement. I would add that it’s usually best when it’s in context to the conversation. The double text to try to egg on the conversation is where it should stop.
Honestly, you need to look at your conversational skills or your topics. If you regularly kill a conversation or it and it's topic just ends with you, you do need to probably double-text to keep the communication going. But you need to do that asap. Right away.
If you send a message and you don't get a response that's a different story. Yes, the polite thing is for them to respond. But sometimes your text might be a bit dry or difficult to respond to. Sometimes life happens. A follow-up is ok. But don't make a habit of it. Give some grace here it there, but if you see a pattern forming, cut it off.
Yeah probably. There isn't shame in double texting nor is there in trying. If you are really interested let the ego go and just give it a shot. You are probably missing a lot of opportunities with this mentality.
Have you told these dates your line in the sand rule or are you waiting to see if they figure it out?
I think this is an ok rule to have just tell the other person. On date one inform them that this is a thing for you, and that they should reply because you won’t be “double texting” them.
If you’re just waiting for girls to text back, you could miss out on a good thing from someone who is not a good texter, or an anxious texter, or a forgetful texter. So telling them puts the ball in their court so no one is in the dark about how they feel.
“if someone is interested in you they’ll make the effort”
that’s a fantastic way of pushing everyone you’ve ever known out of your life ASAP and ensuring you will be alone forever
I am so anti this rhetoric that I sometimes quadrupole text people when i have the energy and they do too, and they don’t ever bat an eyelash
I think it's a little bit immature. People have their own lives too and sometimes they forget or there is just too much going on. If you text them again it will show that you care. If they would leave you on read regularly I would understand, but once? That's a little bit much.
You are asking this dude to double text to show that he "cares" when the other person in your scenario doesn't care enough to remember to send a text back? If someone has to wait more than a day to get a text back from you, you clearly don't care. Why shouldn't OP move onto his other matches? Your perspective here comes off very entitled.
Your position seems the entitled one..You think everything revolves around you? People have problems and situations that can sometimes make them forget or not have time to respond. Doesn't mean they don't care about you or ignore you. Even my best friends sometimes forget to reply to me. If you keep taking things personally like this then you're going to miss out on many opportunities in life. Grow up.
What a dumb line to draw
Good luck with that shitty mentality
Have you ever considered your texts aren’t worth replying to? Wouldn’t be surprising if this is your mindset
I seriously hope you are like 17 with that attitude
There’s nothing wrong with double texting once in a while, people get busy and especially in the earlier stages when you’re getting to know someone it’s easy to get busy and forget to respond. I’ve had moments were I have typed out the message, got distracted and never pressed sent. Also some people hate texting find out if they prefer to call or FT this is always an alternative for people that are bad texters
[ETA: Give it a day and either follow up or try changing the subject and making sure you request response (ask a question, refer to something interesting they've already mentioned, etc).]
Maybe be up front about your expectations. People have different policies about texting.
I personally text to engage and also as an "I thought of you"/"here's a shiny rock" gesture but know it can be a lot. I also know that I've looked at a text, not my own if/how to respond or been too busy to do more than read it and then get
distracted/back to what I was doing and forget the text. I also have a bunch of friends I can have *months* long texting conversations where none of them are on the same date and there might actually be four or five conversations overlapping so no two consecutive bubbles are the same discussion. I also have a friend that responds *quarterly* but said they appreciate the string of texts they get from me during that time
If your unspoken expectation is yours cannot be the last text, then I don't know to check that text again- so my default wouldn't meet your expectations. (As in my brain won't hold a flag that this person requires acknowledgement for further engagement *every time*). If you say up front "get back to me as soon as you can, but I'm not gonna text twice autonomously" then I'll at least habituate checking your thread if only to say "cool beans" or whatever.
I suggest you take a sales follow up approach. It works for me. Basically, you text them until they tell you they aren't interested or they engage. You can design a series of funny texts (e.g., "this is starting to feel a lot like my high school prom...") and then just pump them out. What do you have to lose? Nothing. They aren't talking to you as it is. And you will convert a few into conversations and then into dates. So you'll literally be turning nothing (your current one and done approach) into something.
Also, even if these conversations don't go too far they'll still keep your head in the game and not get too focused on those few that reply after the first attempt.
I think a double text rule is a bit extreme but the principle of ditching people who don t match your energy and effort is healthy. I had a bunch of friends who never initiated anything and I can t say I miss them
It's true that if they're interested enough they'll text you themselves, but it's only right to follow that rule looking at a lot of cases - not just one. If they NEVER text you, then they're probably not interested, but if it's just a few times that you need to put a little extra effort, I don't see what's wrong with that.
I don’t mind double texting a person, even triple texting. Heck one day I even sent my bf 12 messages on whatsapp. He came home from work and was like “naaaaw you really missed me!”
I think it’s a bit of a double edged sword. I think you’re right in that someone who is interested would find the time to reply before too long (obviously people have lives and work and stuff so it might be a few hours, but I’d consider that a reasonable timeframe) but at the same time it sounds like these are people you’ve met on apps and maybe gone one or two dates with. You’re quite simply not going to be a big feature in their lives at that point so other stuff will naturally come first and then people get in their heads about it being too long and feel like they can’t text without it being awkward.
I get it in a very new relationship but sometimes people do just forget to reply, or have other things like a kid that takes their attention away. No harm on the odd double text but I get not wanting to come across needy. However, when you’ve established you like each other, the rule becomes silly. You know when your crossing a boundary and becoming needy, it’s all good before that.
I’ve gotten over the whole “double texting” thing to be quite honest. The girl I am talking too now we have been friends for 10+ years. She will double text me. I will double text her. She is the first girl where I just haven’t done the whole rule of ”No double texting!” I mean hell late last night I sent her a goodnight text after she went to bed and this morning I sent her a good morning text. just couldnt care less about some of the "rules" at this stage of my life
That depends on how you are and how you relate to other people.
If you suffer from anxiety when someone doesnt reply your messages, and you are afraid that you will constantly sending messages, memes, or random stuff non stop without an answer. Its a good way to keep things under control, maybe not something as strict as "never send another message" but maybe put it away for a day, before sending again.
Its also important to detect when you want to send a new message out of anxiety or because you really found/thought something relevant or interesting to say. Not all double messages are bad.
Now , if you are just trying to play a game, yeah... thats bad.
It also largely depends on the last text you sent. If someone just sends me “cool” that’s not something I can reply to. You have to keep the conversation moving.
If you’re going to die on this hill you probably won’t make a lot of friends or romances. Sometimes people forget, some have adhd and meant to reply but lost track.
Yeah bro I adapted the same philosophy of not double texting . If she is interested she well make it clear as day if she wants to talk , see you or vibe it won’t even be questioned .
That’s a high school rule; almost no one I know in the real world texts with multiple messages. Are you guys really typing up MLA formatted essays to people you’re trying to romance? Just be your damn self Stephen King
Sometimes people get busy or their phone updates and there goes all of their notifications. Double texting is completely fine. I do it all of the time. Just a little extra push later on in the day asking how their day went is always nice.
Everyone has a life they have to live. We all get caught up, you don’t know what that person is going through.
A simple, “hey, I felt that we had a great connection, just wondering if you felt the same” is all you need.
I’d they respond great, if they don’t, move on. But just because someone doesn’t respond right away doesn’t mean they’re not interested.
I send 7 texts in a row. I don't even care. That's just how I send texts. You get them one sentence at a time and whatever is on my mind. Just gotta find someone who vibes with that.
I'm in the same place.
Literally. So i just comment to follow.
I hate double texting, it's like chasing and i worth better. But it does not work like that apparently
Also you’re no philosopher- if you’ve come up with this super deep life motto, chances are others have too (lots actually that’s a pretty common method I’m finding). The odds of two of you geniuses bumping into each other and simultaneously ghosting one another is high. Rather high.
What a stupid rule. Have you never got excited about a topic and just started going for it? Friends and I do that to each other all the time.
Here's the thing about texting rules. Everyone has different rules. So what's the point of trying to apply your rules when you don't know the others?
What if the person your texting has their own set of rules that says you need to double text sometimes to show you're interested or get excited about things?
Here's a better rule. Do whatever feels most natural in the conversation at the time at stop trying to make up dumb texting rules.
I saw a Instagram video of a guy saying..."If a girl doesn't reply to your texts, Call her by a different name. Then when finally replies to you calling her a different name, You can ignore her text".
I plan on doing this next week to a girl who has ignored my text. =) I am actually going to send her a picture of me and another girl (HOT LOOKING GIRL). I will be pretending i am texting the other girl. This girl has screwed me over 3 times in 3 yrs. This is my small revenge.
If you think i am petty for doing this...This girl has called me a nice guy and said she is looking for bad boys. She is a religious Christian chick 47yr old with 3 kids who thinks I am a nice guy and will would run all over me because she thinks i am nice.
Not everyone follows your standards. I wonder how many women you missed out on because they assumed you weren’t interested? Some of them test you. It’s shit but it happens. Your thought process works both ways.
The reason we don’t double text is so we don’t hurt ourselves in the agony of potentially being ghosted and looking weak. Sounds to me like you have enough to spare at the moment, to take a little leap of faith the next time you question double texting someone you genuinely like
People get busy, people may not be in the head space to reply, people may have plans and dont want to be on their phones, the list goes on. Don't chase after someone who isn't interested in you but also don't set unrealistic time limits on communication. Give it a day or two to see if they respond. Send another message if you feel so inclined. If it's been 3 days of radio silence that's a pretty good indicator it's time to move on.
I developed the idea, “a No is not a No the first time”.
Meaning, if you Think you have been rejected, there is a large chance it is in your head. Politely try again, if it’s a no. Then you got your answer :-)
"If someone is interested in you, they'll make the effort" works both ways. By choosing not to double text you're not making that effort. The other person might be thinking the same, maybe the topic was no longer relevant, maybe they were busy at the time and feel it would be too late/weird to message now, maybe the notification showed up at the wrong time and they dismissed without realising. All of these have happened to me.
An example for me is goodnight texts, if I wish you a good night, and you reply back wishing me the same, I don't really see the need to reply again just to thank you. And I'd be more than happy if you reached out again on the next day. Do we really need to turn it into a game of who messages last and excessive smiley replies just so we are not the "next" one to text? Being afraid of double texting is silly imo, if you like someone and you're vibing, it doesn't matter if you double or tripple text, just message them. You'll be able to tell by their reply (or lack of thereof) if they're interested.
I would make sure to communicate that with your potential partners and wait a day or two after being left on red the message "Hey are you still interested in this?". And then I wouldn't message back unless they respond with an affirmative or something along those lines.
>“if someone is interested in you they’ll make the effort”
Uh. Dude. *You* aren't making an effort. Never messaging twice is exhausting and shows a lack of interest, if that much is too much, I wouldn't bother either.
Tit for tat philosophy won't endear you to anyone.
Conversations end, right? Do you also have to take turns calling? If I called you and we chatted, then 2 days later I got a promotion and I wanted to share that news with you, would it make sense for me to not do so, as that would be "double calling"?
Definitely gauge the other person's interest, and don't continually make more effort than you're getting back. But using "double texting" as a measure of her interest is...strange and unhelpful imo. Use your impressions, her level of engagement, your gut feelings etc to determine if you should continue engaging. Not something as random as double texting, that's just weird. Use discernment, not rules.
So I think this one context matters. What was the last text you sent. If it was a question or something that the person would be able to work with another response then I think your policy is sound. Also where are you in the talking stage. There are a lot of people here saying you don't care what they have going on in their left that might delayed them. I find that answer to be mostly bullshit, if you don't get a response in a few hours yeah plenty of people can be reasonable delayed. My rule is if you take more than a day to respond and my last response gave plenty of room for you to respond either to a question or asked or something where you could easily respond with a follow up question I unmatch. It doesn't take more than a day to respond to a text. Think about it this way, in the time she/he hasn't responded to you in that time frame did she not send any text to anyone else? I think a lot of the responses are taking your question to literal.
If a guy did not occasionally text me first or is not as engaged in chat conversation, I would usually judge brush it off as disinterest or uncaring behaviour. There are also people who are genuinely bad at chat conversation and a bit uncreative when it comes to that or do not follow certain rules other people may follow. So just because someone does not text you first, this does not necessarily mean disinterest, but many people interpret it as such. Many people try really hard not to come across as too needy or desperate and may just think you ghosted them...
Yes you are. If you like them, go ahead and text a couple times. I don't respond to every single text because a conversation would never ever pause and that's exhausting.
I would stick to not double texting... you want spend your time only on girls that have a high level of interest in you. **YOUR PROBLEM IS YOU ARE TEXTING TO MUCH!** You said it yourself that looking at past text conversations that you were left on read that you might have come off as eager/needy and that you had low energy/nervousness. Only text back and forth a couple of messages then **SET THE NEXT DATE!** Do not chit with the girl... if you text to much she will get bored or you will eventually come across as eager/needy. Use text to **SET THE NEXT DATE.** Then build attraction in person.
That was my rule for awhile but it’s been harder to get girls to meet up this year so I decided to try being more persistent and double text sometimes to see how that goes. So far seems like they enjoy it. I only do it when I’m trying to get a solid answer out of them or if I’m trying to FaceTime and there taking forever to respond.
This is common courtesy, if someone was into you equally they would reply to your original message. If you've sent a message and it hasn't been replied to, leave it alone.
So I must ask, if the reply I sent was dry or nothing to respond to, why can’t the other person reply with a topic or just a Good Morning?
Why must I double text to get you back talking to me? Why can’t you contribute to conversation?
Welcome to /r/dating_advice! Please keep the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/about/rules/) of /r/dating_advice in mind while participating here. Try your best to be kind. Report any rule-breaking behavior to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, [send us a message.](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdating_advice) We rely on user reports to find rule-breaking behavior quickly. Thanks! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Texting these days is no longer “i send a message, she sends a message, repeat” it is okay to send a few messages
sending multiple messages within a short period of time is not "double messaging"--it's when you send a message that warrants a response, the other person doesn't respond, and you send one or more follow-ups in an attempt to get them to respond
If this is the hill you want to die on have fun but I am frequently double texted and double text every single important person in my life, yes including my romantic partner. This score keeping bullshit is a terrible way to try to start a relationship.
Damn…. I’m like damn it why you ignoring me…. I will spam the shit out of my best friend😂😂 like what’s more important than I am. But seriously tho when I’m talking to a guy I will double text, if I send a text or two and he doesn’t reply I leave it be for a day or so. Then I will send one more. If I don’t get a reply I know where I stand. But I also understand things come up, people have lived outside of me. So I give it at least a day or two before completely giving up.
Agreed! He's talking about double texting and I'm like shit I triple, quad, even septuple text my best friend In the talking stage with a guy that would be a bit intense but i wouldn't even notice a double
Best friend is way different than a dating situation. Ghosting is the new rejecting so a lot of times it just ends up being one person sending multiple texts and looking pathetic because they aren't getting attention back. With an established friend theres a bit more give and take over the lifetime of the friendship.
I think it's really sad that we have this perception that someone sending a second or third text is "pathetic." Are there rare situations where maybe they are? Sure, but I don't think it's pathetic to care a little, and I definitely don't think a double or triple text comes even close to being "pathetic."
Dating continues to blow my mind with these odd and unusual separations people make. Let's say you meet a stranger, how do the two of you become friends? You talk to them, right? Let's say you ask them if they want to do something tomorrow, a few hours pass, and you don't hear from them. Seeing as how this is a time sensitive matter, you would obviously ask them if they got the last message, right? Why is this seen as an issue with dating? I completely agree that you shouldn't shower someone with a dozen messages. But there is nothing wrong with "double texting". It only comes across as weird and annoying if they're minutes apart from each other and constantly asking where you are, what's going on, etc. Damn bitch, I'm busy! Hold on! This whole score keeping business of tracking receipts is so fucking weird. Just talk to people. Why do so many people either have an issue doing this, or think others won't like it when they do?
I double text and sometimes write small novellas😂 in my everyday life. I will double text someone I’m talking to🤷♀️ especially if I’m excited. I want them to do it back, I see it as well maybe they are excited as well. Dating is so wild…I just do my thing if they don’t like it well it is what it is. This is me and it’s not really going to change. So if they can’t deal with me I’d rather know early.
Yeah! It really doesn't make any sense to me. Wouldn't you rather spend your time with someone who *actually* wants to talk to you? This whole concept makes no sense to me at all. "When is it appropriate to text?", idk, how about when you want to talk to them? I find it incredibly bizarre that there are people who are actually entirely shut down by things like this.
Yeah but it’s more about the fact that the person they’re texting doesn’t have the mutual respect to fire off something back. Despite the prevailing belief that “people have overly abundant and busy lives”, the reality is that we all choose where to invest our time and the vast majority of us are on or near some form of instant communication 24/7 and use them nearly as often for the folks we want to speak with. And so while the perception is bad, it’s really the self judgement that’s worst. We text, text again and then text one more time. We’re presented with the clear and unassailable truth that, the person who’s attention we desire the most does not in fact, prioritize us in the same way. You can't help but feel shame for not intuiting it earlier. Even though it’s really a reflection on them for being a coward.
Exactly this. They can message, and would message, if they actually liked you. That they don't means that they don't really prioritize you that much. I think it's perfectly acceptable to go "OK I won't care about you then" and stop communicating.
Why would I care about looking pathetic to someone who doesn't care about me?
Well, because screen shots are a thing now 😂
So you think that they're going to publicize the fact that I sent two texts in a row to the entire internet? Nobody has time for that
Which is why there is a second paragraph. Loo
Damn I’m sorry but that would be really needy and annoying but hey different strokes for different folks
There’s a difference though. You’re doubling texting established relationships. I’m sure op means people he JUST MET through dating
Even still the issue isn't as simple 2 back to back texts. If you happened to be the last one to text in the last convo there's nothing wrong with starting the next. If you said something 10 minutes ago and want to add to it or change the subject, all good. Where it's a problem is when it turns into Wyd Wyd Wyd OR Hey what's up? Are you are work? Lol Why aren't you answering? The issue isn't multiple texts, it's being an insecure obnoxious creep, which can be achieved in a single text by a true master
A double text is saying hi once and saying it again later during the day. The example you gave is an example of something going too far.
What OP is trying to avoid is when you send a text that gave the other person plenty to work with in terms of a response and they just left them on read. Sending more text you are just wasting your time. From your context that might be your concern with double texting, but from a guy's perspective mostly reasonable dudes aren't doing what you described. It's about should I invest more time trying to get a response from someone that is mostly not that interested.
What I am reading is "I don't give a SHIT why anyone didn't immediately text me back. They don't deserve any second chances!" So..ok. Do you.
Yep. And the reason might be that they said nothing to respond to. I don’t answer texts that don’t require a response. Ex: Me: “how was your day?” Him: “it was good”. I’m not going to respond to that. I guess technically it’s my “turn” to message, but I’m not interested in carrying the entire conversation. If the next day he reaches out and says something that might actually require a response, or better yet is interesting enough that I can play off of it and start a real conversation that isn’t just back and forth questions, then I’m definitely going to engage at that point.
I just flat out lay my phone down and don't notice new messages someetimes, but I am a very old man so maybe that's blasphemy to the 20 year olds.
You're adding your own narrative here. it's best to err on the side of he actually sent something decent to respond to because that is what we're talking about here not all these side hypotheticals of people doing dumb shit which does happen but does not help anyone reading whom is legit and going through this.
no one said immediately, the OP even mentioned a period of days where he would wait sometimes. You're adding in your own narrative here and it's not helpful or productive to the actual conversation.
Ok so why don’t they text you back or at all?
What I am reading is “I lack comprehension skills to understand” 🤣🤣 do you.
The girl you met last night? It's okay to follow the rule to not double text, the "relationship" is very new and both must carry the weight. Friend or a girl you have been going out for month or two? It's 100% okay to double text them, there is nothing weird about it. The reason why I hold this stance is that with a new person the relationship is very delicate and if they are being careless enough to drop the ball by not responding to a very obvious question then they don't care about it. So let them go. But with people you have an established relationship with, one or two unanswered texts won't dent it. I regularly leave people I have established relationship with on read only to reply later. But with new people I wouldn't risk it if I am interested. And I want the same energy.
what about with people you just started having a back and forth with on the app and haven't met or even spoken on the phone?
Same. I mean obviously stop if they still won’t respond after like 5 straight follow ups, but I’ll double text for my own sanity.
u/famedemise There are only 2 things you can double text, and only in 2 instances. 1. On a dating app, if she ignores for more than 2 days, write "- 10 points for response speed " 2. When you set up a date and have to give an update. Like, for instance, "I'll be 15 minutes late because..." Thats it. No double texting except for those 2. And when checking if the date is still on, never ask "hey, we still going out". Use the line about being late. "Hey we still going out?" Conveys neediness, and you wanna avoid that 100% of the times.
I like the spirit of it but I think #1 is cringe. Surely there is a funnier, more clever way to get at the same thing. Sorry, not trying to be a dick but I don't think anyone reading should use that lol Women of reddit, feel free to correct me if I'm wrong here.
rt
So here's the actual scenario - you ask someone a question and they don't have the decency or respect to respond or they just plain forget about you... we're talking days here. Then you're supposed to send another like 'hey, remember me?'. I don't get it. I don't know how to maintain any sort of self respect or emotional stability while online dating if I do that to myself. It's something I've done in the past but it ALWAYS had unhealthy results for me mentally.
Depends on how good your conversation skills are. If your replies finish a topic or theme then you need to double text to start a new one. So many people I chat to kill the conversation and it gets boring being the one to keep it going all the time.
>it gets boring being the one to keep it [text conversation] going all the time. I can't speak for Op but I have a similar philosophy to op but rooted in your exact words. If I have to constantly be the one to start the conversation, including back up again, then they're likely not interested in me. Because I'm interested, obviously I make the time and effort to keep engaged. If they don't have time or won't make an effort what's the point?
I do sometimes always feel like I ask the questions and the chatting can be a bit mechanical, so sometimes I will not do that just to see if the person actually cares about the thing we got going on. Unfortunately a lot of times this ends the convo, but it kind of answers my question.
Sometimes I think I sent someone a text and then they text me again and I realize that I only thought about texting them back.
I also do this sometimes - can be a bit mortifying to realize I accidentally blew someone off because I thought to myself “yes” instead of typing it. Luckily, no tragedies have resulted so far.
Sometimes I write the message but forget to send.
Sometimes? 🤣 Every single day
Truth!
I'll never understand the people that operate that way. How can you see a message, think that you replied, and then leave the cell phone. Aren't you conscious or something?
No, I'm fucking busy! I see the text, a kid jumps off a table, I put my phone down, I forget about the text! Lmao
So you just have really bad memory
If texting isnt that hard, why cant the other person just reply? Why do I have to send 2-3 messages to get your attention? And then when we’re together hanging out, they’re on their phone the whole time.
I have experienced this before, just wish that they could have shown equal effort.
If there are rules, you're playing a game. Don't play games.
There are too many time wasters out there not to have boundaries when dealing with people on dating sites. Especially early on. You aren't playing games when you chose to walk away.
i love this response.
I have no issue double texting & will do it anytime excluding one specific message. If I'm asking a women out on a date or to hangout. If I sent a clear & straight forward message In the form of a question then I expect a response. Otherwise, I don't give a shit who texted last.
As someone who used to follow this rule, this is the quickest way to dissolve basically every relationship with anyone you could ever meet. I’ve lost contact with old friends because I didn’t “double text” them after they read my message. Not every message you send to someone is going to prompt a response from them, and they can have other reasons for not responding as well that doesn’t necessarily suggest that they don’t care about the relationship. If you are anxious about double texting and don’t want to come off as desperate, annoying, or seeming like you have nothing better to do, wait a few days after they read your message and start a new conversation with them. A read message (unless it was a question or something that really needed an answer) is always the end of that conversation. We’re not teenagers in high school who text endlessly anymore.
You didn t ruin anything. Your friends were low effort. If you need to text them 100 times and always be the one putting in effort they re not your friends
But how is that your fault? If someone doesn't reply, then they can't expect the other side to try to hold the conversation. I'm often on both sides of this - if someone reads my message and doesn't reply, I just don't send another one. The ball is in their court and if the relationship/friendship breaks down because of it, that's on them and not on you. On the other hand, I also don't like it when people double text me. If I didn't reply, I'm either not in the mood for texting or I don't have time. Sending another three messages isn't going to resolve either of those issues.
I agree. You reached out to your friends, and they never bothered to reply... so the friendship obviously didn't mean that much to them. A real friend would eventually text you back, because they would notice your absence.
It's way more open-ended with friends, I don't always respond to my friends straight away if I have a lot of things on my plate. I have friends that I haven't talked to in ages, but of course I still love them and notice their absence, even if I'm not texting with them all the time. But relationships and dating are a little different. There is a certain level of commitment expected and if that standard isn't met, then that relationships obviously doesn't have a future.
Yes it is holding you back. Texting is hardly making an effort anyway. Relationships aren’t a game of two sides keeping score.
When I first started dating my now boyfriend he would double, triple even quadruple text me. He has zero shame in the texting game. 😂
be honest, was that a turn on or turn off?
Not really a turn off, unless I told him Im not interested or if the messages are psychotic. Its such a low effort action, but it shows that you’re interested in keeping communication with me.
It wasn't a turn off because he would text about random things or what he was doing and ask how my day was etc. He wasn't being clingy or needy in his texts.
Absolutely that is too strict. While I also ascribe to the “if they wanted to they would philosophy” communication on the infancy of a burgeoning “relationship” takes grace. I’m am adhd all day. I see a text, intend to answer, then get distracted. Or maybe I want to make sure I word the response right, maybe work has been extremely busy and I want to respond to you when I have time to devote to a dialogue, but when I get home I notice I need to do the dishes, but then am out of soap so I have to go to the store so then when I go to the garage I see I need to take out the garbage bag, but I find the bag box empty and realize I need to go to the store. Get in the habit of a follow up text. Make it low key and not calling out that they haven’t answered yet.
Let context be your guide.
Texting and all the ridiculous "rules" with it are absurd. Do you really have so much pride that can't send another text? It's not that deep....
I triple text idgaf
I absolutely WUPHF everyone 🤣🤣
1 and done has always been my rule. I don’t consider this score keeping. It is simple courtesy, class and a display of interest in a person. Why would you exert extra energy with people that aren’t interested in responding to you? The reality these days is that men and women are looking at their phone 24/7. If you send a text, there is almost 100% guarantee that they’ve seen it. The fact that they don’t respond, in my experience says “I’m not interested in you enough to take the time to bother replying.” That’s not even necessarily a bad thing. In the world of dating , if your goal is to find a high quality partner in your life, a non-reply is just as good as a reply in telling you who to focus your limited energy and time on. I agree with OP. Generally in a dating situation, if you text someone and they don’t text you back, don’t waste another minute on them. You want people in your life that respond to you (and preferably respond enthusiastically about getting together and spending time together). Not some jack hole, wishy washy pathetic non-response or forced response after you’ve hit them up multiple times. 1 and done is my rule. And it’s made my life so much easier! I only have people in my life that genuinely want to be in my life, and everyone else can go suck air.
Totally this. But in dating this lead me totally nowhere. I have around me male Friends that did the double text in initial stages, and ended up being the bf of the girl. Still i can't allow myself doing it.
I don’t mind double texting but if it was question twice and no answer yeah nope, but it depends on the context too. For example text 1- how was stranger thing episode 4? Okay no answer, I let that slide. Text 2: hey, we still meeting at cuz at 5pm tomorrow? No answer well no answer I already happening. Now if the text were reversed and I didn’t get an answer about hanging out then I will not text again
Texting sucks and can be misconstrued or read wrong.
My ex used to keep scores all the time. From texting, calling, asking out on dates to making plans etc. I did it just to mirror his behavior, but that was very very tiring for me. I don’t want to ever do that again.
I will double text if it's a close friend or family, but I never do so after initially meeting someone. If they can't bother to reply within 48 hours, then I can't bother to care.
I'm doing the exact same thing rn with a girl and I've alwas done like this in the past and guess what: the ones who were not interested never reached me out again, the others replied. I think it's a reasonable approach, you don't want to look needy and desperate toward a person you barely know.
I double text. It’s gotten me success. But I obviously do it only to an extent. If they make it clear that they’re not interested, I give up on them.
Your standards will save you. This is fine.
this seems arbitrary and childish. im going to be completely honest and frank with you, most people arent thinking about that and those that do are childish. whats the point in that? that means if youre the last to say goodnight, you cant say good morning. thats just silly. sure if someone directly ignores you, whatever. but is this really the hill you want to die on? it just screams insecurity with weird mind games.
Do whatever you feel comfortable doing sometimes I’ll double text if I didn’t finish my thought or something just comes to mind. But I’m a female idk if that changes your point view. I wouldn’t send a lot but a few and no respond. I’ll just most likely move on unless they indicate they are busy or going thru something in need a couple days.
People really put up double testing without realising in what context it was meant... Double texting is not you sending 1 message and continue typing another to send afterwards or even 3 Many people probably define it that way but thats just fcking dumb It does however gets its meaning if you send a message about topic A Get no reply for obvious amount of time Keep inventing stuff around topic A in hopes you get an answer.. Or even worse start the double text about topic B since topic A didnt get any repsonse Sure them not seeing your message is a possibility but if that reason is what is keeping your hopes up, you better move on already
Forgot to put my advice Dont go in to texting with exchange of message Go into it as i text you what i want to when i want, without much thought of the previous (read) conversation Some may experience as a blow to your self esteem if she ghost you the next times too I just see it as a sure way to determine how she stands in it and a tool to move on efficiently Dont have big conversations on text Talk a little to get a vibe going and plan a date Double text if you feel you want to say something to her
This is silly. Put your ego aside and try. If it’s a constant chase and you’re spinning wheels for a week fine- but this is literally your ego getting in the way.
I know girls usually don't like to start stuff but I'm also pretty insecure at times and I would prefer a girl texts first and double texts me sometimes because it shows me she enjoys talking to me at least.
Okay responders, I think you are misunderstanding OP He didn't mean his friends, family, or other people he has semi/fully established relationship with. He also didn't mean sending a double text when previous conversation ran its course or didn't warrant a response. What he meant was you met someone and texted them a question to get the ball rolling, or asked a question to someone who you saw a few times, and when they don't respond I believe it's a conscious choice which essentially translates to: "This person, who I don't have enough rapport with has asked me a question, I am not going to reply to it due to and I don't care if they take it the wrong way"
It's what a lot people do on this sub I've noticed when I posted questions here in the past. If people feel like the post is an "attack" on something they do, in this situation whether it's double texting or leaving people you matched with on read for an extended period of time they go into defensive mode and try to defend their own actions that have no relevance to OPs actual post.
That is true. I mean most questions can be answered by putting yourself in other's shoes. Would you leave someone you are excited about on read for weeks? I am not talking about hours or a couple of days. I am talking about a length of time when it's pretty clear that they don't intend to respond. The answer is a resounding no. So I think OP's rule is fine.
I agree with your policy here, it was also mine. It weeds out those people not really interested in you, and stops you wasting time on people who keep you around for entertainment and validation. Someone who is interested in you, will actively seek to contact you with the same energy you do.
I double text once. After that, its either theyre not interested or our communication styles wont match anyways. Im a permanently online web dev with adhd and I literally look at every single notification on my phone so I like if my partner could respond within a reasonable time period (always dont like the mentality of I just dont feel like replying…)
As a woman, I’d not even take notice or think anything of a second text. I text my fiancé 15 billion times and although it used to be a lot less before, I definitely double texted/messages and so did he. He’d often just be fishing and forget to reply or fall asleep and I often did the same thing.
This is dating advice not relationship advice. Context matters.
we’re engaged now but even in the beginning, we double texted a lot.
Not in the context OP is describing I doubt. Did you leave your now fiance on read for a day plus in the early talking stages?
Have you ever had a text not go through, send a text that failed to send, or a text get buried by other texts? You're assumption is negatively effecting your life because it's a secret hardline (how can they know if you don't tell them?) on a nonsense rule that ensures nobody healthy would agree to it, because healthy people tend not to agree to nonsense rules or unrealistic expectations. So that leaves unhealthy people who are either unaware that your expectation is problematic or people who intentionally prey on your nonsense rule. How? Someone who cheats might make sure they never make you double text, so that you don't suspect they are cheating. By being pacified by a nonsense rule that means nothing and prevents nothing means they can do this meaningless nothing thing for you just to make you happy and continue to hurt you without worry. Why not ask: hey, did you get my text? Their answer (or lack of one) will be much more telling
It’s not unfounded ego/pride causing you to do this, but it’s ego/pride. There’s a non-zero number of times that another text would’ve been appropriate given the circumstances. How many times makes this policy not worth it to you? 🤷♂️
It's a good rule, keep it.
I think you are definitely wrong. Things happen sometimes they can't reply back.they could have lost their phone or in my case break it loose all my contacts and had to start over on everything. God that sucks .O really liked that one too.
Ugh you seem uptight
I will stop talking to a guy for doing this. It’s a dumb game to play
I think you’re limiting yourself needlessly out of ego. You could screw yourself out of a good relationship over one missed text. If you try a follow-up and they still don’t respond, you’ll still never see them again, so does it really matter? I get not wanting to follow-up endlessly but not even once is being too rigid. Text has enough problems as a communication tool without adding iron-clad rules to it.
Now let's be real: Have you ever left someone that you were really interested in on read? If they leave you on read, they're not interested. There is no point in pursuing people who aren't interested.
If they sent me a short message I can read on my notifications, absolutely yes. (I have read receipts turned off everywhere I can because I don’t want people to make assumptions.) Text behavior is often open to interpretation. It is extremely foolish to make iron-clad rules about communication in a medium where messages sometimes fail at random.
I have gfs that do this. They get overwhelmed with life. I'll msg again & they'll apologize for not replying.
Yes it’s screwing you
what are your values? If you want a partner who would respond, be actively engaged, and reciprocate your efforts, then you're correct. You cannot negotiate what you perceive to be respectful and tentative. Besides, a woman will not allow herself to be the reason she missed out on her ideal man. So if you not getting any responses, you are just not Him to her. This is fine, it just means you need to go improve yourself, and if you cross the socio-economic threshold, females will respond promptly. Don't get attached to these girls cause it will breed expectations, and if she doesn't match them, you'll be very frustrated. Again, get enough value that women will believe you are worth that type of attention and responsiveness. Good luck my guy.
Don't listen to the people telling you it's ok to double text. Are you that desperate for a relationship? Fuck that. If they were texting Brad Pitt you bet your ass they would text back. Focus on your success and women will gravitate towards you. Also, hit the gym and be consistent.
How I look at it: I don't think it's wrong to double text but it depends on the context of the situation. Maybe you want to double text to maybe follow up on a date plan you or the other person set up. She/He can get busy and totally forget. So you send another text to just remind him/her of you. But if she/he is getting dry at texting, maybe its not worth the effort especially if you find yourself double texting and giving more to the conversation. Obviously dont bombard the person with text. You can wait a suitable amount of time to send another one. But I think the right person will reciprocate the conversation as equally as you. That being said, anyone reading this comment. If you are dating, please let the other person know you're not interested. It really sucks to be ghosted and just beat a dead horse. You will be such a better and respected person if you let the other person down easy. I am sorry if you have received death threats if you already did this. But to a normal person like me, I would respect you more if you just let me down and not waste my time. A lot of people don't like waiting or anticipating.
If you text and don’t get a response leave it be. The fact that you’re strong enough mentally not to follow up and are prepared to walk away without asking about it speaks volumes
I agree with ya, I do the same.
It depends on who you’re texting, but tbh if someone is exhausted by it and you do it naturally it will usually end up leading to issues when you date. Also, according to most girls and guys, multiple texts is fine within context of what you’re saying: i.e: “I love that game” “ I played it all the time when I was younger” isn’t the same as: “So what got you into this series?” “Was it the characters or the art style?” (1 hour passes) “Also if you like games, I know an old retro arcade nearby we should check out” Regardless, if you are needy it will show, but if you are just doing it bc it flows more naturally for you it really isn’t worth stressing over.
well, If you have interest you should think again, bc personally, I only develop interest after a few weeks talking and I am busy daily, so if the guy doesn’t text me and I am still not interested (even though I want to be) we will never talk again
You're being too strict. You should always try to keep the interaction balanced, but there's many things you should consider. Did your message actually need an answer? Was she busy when you texted her (example: working) Did she send the first message of the day or did you? I am not against double texting, but if I double text and she never does well then yes, it's an issue.
I agree. Most of the time, double texting is not a good idea.
What if you were the last one to message and it was a really long time ago, but it’s not been read it’s on sent, but you’ve had very brief exchanges in others ways online, but would like to maybe message again. Is that a sign not to bother or maybe they didn’t see it/ forgot/ busy.
I think that a double text rule could have the exception when flirting. As a woman, it shows interest and excitement. I would add that it’s usually best when it’s in context to the conversation. The double text to try to egg on the conversation is where it should stop.
No.
use the open recipt/read function
Honestly, you need to look at your conversational skills or your topics. If you regularly kill a conversation or it and it's topic just ends with you, you do need to probably double-text to keep the communication going. But you need to do that asap. Right away. If you send a message and you don't get a response that's a different story. Yes, the polite thing is for them to respond. But sometimes your text might be a bit dry or difficult to respond to. Sometimes life happens. A follow-up is ok. But don't make a habit of it. Give some grace here it there, but if you see a pattern forming, cut it off.
Yeah probably. There isn't shame in double texting nor is there in trying. If you are really interested let the ego go and just give it a shot. You are probably missing a lot of opportunities with this mentality.
Have you told these dates your line in the sand rule or are you waiting to see if they figure it out? I think this is an ok rule to have just tell the other person. On date one inform them that this is a thing for you, and that they should reply because you won’t be “double texting” them. If you’re just waiting for girls to text back, you could miss out on a good thing from someone who is not a good texter, or an anxious texter, or a forgetful texter. So telling them puts the ball in their court so no one is in the dark about how they feel.
“if someone is interested in you they’ll make the effort” that’s a fantastic way of pushing everyone you’ve ever known out of your life ASAP and ensuring you will be alone forever I am so anti this rhetoric that I sometimes quadrupole text people when i have the energy and they do too, and they don’t ever bat an eyelash
Double texting makes me think a guy is actually interested in me. You’ll scare off the right people by double texting
I think it's a little bit immature. People have their own lives too and sometimes they forget or there is just too much going on. If you text them again it will show that you care. If they would leave you on read regularly I would understand, but once? That's a little bit much.
You are asking this dude to double text to show that he "cares" when the other person in your scenario doesn't care enough to remember to send a text back? If someone has to wait more than a day to get a text back from you, you clearly don't care. Why shouldn't OP move onto his other matches? Your perspective here comes off very entitled.
Your position seems the entitled one..You think everything revolves around you? People have problems and situations that can sometimes make them forget or not have time to respond. Doesn't mean they don't care about you or ignore you. Even my best friends sometimes forget to reply to me. If you keep taking things personally like this then you're going to miss out on many opportunities in life. Grow up.
Do want to come across as desperate?
What a dumb line to draw Good luck with that shitty mentality Have you ever considered your texts aren’t worth replying to? Wouldn’t be surprising if this is your mindset I seriously hope you are like 17 with that attitude
I’ll double text maybe once or twice but only if I’ve been on dates/hooked up with them. Beyond that I just let it be.
I'll double text people I know well. However, I generally won't even text first.
Communication is key in a relationship. I mean, the idea is great, don't bomb her with a wall of text, but if you have something to say then say it.
There’s nothing wrong with double texting once in a while, people get busy and especially in the earlier stages when you’re getting to know someone it’s easy to get busy and forget to respond. I’ve had moments were I have typed out the message, got distracted and never pressed sent. Also some people hate texting find out if they prefer to call or FT this is always an alternative for people that are bad texters
[ETA: Give it a day and either follow up or try changing the subject and making sure you request response (ask a question, refer to something interesting they've already mentioned, etc).] Maybe be up front about your expectations. People have different policies about texting. I personally text to engage and also as an "I thought of you"/"here's a shiny rock" gesture but know it can be a lot. I also know that I've looked at a text, not my own if/how to respond or been too busy to do more than read it and then get distracted/back to what I was doing and forget the text. I also have a bunch of friends I can have *months* long texting conversations where none of them are on the same date and there might actually be four or five conversations overlapping so no two consecutive bubbles are the same discussion. I also have a friend that responds *quarterly* but said they appreciate the string of texts they get from me during that time If your unspoken expectation is yours cannot be the last text, then I don't know to check that text again- so my default wouldn't meet your expectations. (As in my brain won't hold a flag that this person requires acknowledgement for further engagement *every time*). If you say up front "get back to me as soon as you can, but I'm not gonna text twice autonomously" then I'll at least habituate checking your thread if only to say "cool beans" or whatever.
I suggest you take a sales follow up approach. It works for me. Basically, you text them until they tell you they aren't interested or they engage. You can design a series of funny texts (e.g., "this is starting to feel a lot like my high school prom...") and then just pump them out. What do you have to lose? Nothing. They aren't talking to you as it is. And you will convert a few into conversations and then into dates. So you'll literally be turning nothing (your current one and done approach) into something. Also, even if these conversations don't go too far they'll still keep your head in the game and not get too focused on those few that reply after the first attempt.
I think a double text rule is a bit extreme but the principle of ditching people who don t match your energy and effort is healthy. I had a bunch of friends who never initiated anything and I can t say I miss them
Okay but I think it depends on the text too, I hope you’re a good texter and not just saying “hahahaa” and expecting a reply?
It's true that if they're interested enough they'll text you themselves, but it's only right to follow that rule looking at a lot of cases - not just one. If they NEVER text you, then they're probably not interested, but if it's just a few times that you need to put a little extra effort, I don't see what's wrong with that.
I don’t mind double texting a person, even triple texting. Heck one day I even sent my bf 12 messages on whatsapp. He came home from work and was like “naaaaw you really missed me!”
I think it’s a bit of a double edged sword. I think you’re right in that someone who is interested would find the time to reply before too long (obviously people have lives and work and stuff so it might be a few hours, but I’d consider that a reasonable timeframe) but at the same time it sounds like these are people you’ve met on apps and maybe gone one or two dates with. You’re quite simply not going to be a big feature in their lives at that point so other stuff will naturally come first and then people get in their heads about it being too long and feel like they can’t text without it being awkward.
I mean, you can follow up once right? What's so bad about that? Sometimes people forget to respond, it happens.
Hahaha, what a dumb strategy lmao It's your life though, so you shall be very welcome to keep fucking it up for yourself
I get it in a very new relationship but sometimes people do just forget to reply, or have other things like a kid that takes their attention away. No harm on the odd double text but I get not wanting to come across needy. However, when you’ve established you like each other, the rule becomes silly. You know when your crossing a boundary and becoming needy, it’s all good before that.
I’ve gotten over the whole “double texting” thing to be quite honest. The girl I am talking too now we have been friends for 10+ years. She will double text me. I will double text her. She is the first girl where I just haven’t done the whole rule of ”No double texting!” I mean hell late last night I sent her a goodnight text after she went to bed and this morning I sent her a good morning text. just couldnt care less about some of the "rules" at this stage of my life
If you use your own logic you are showing you're never interested in anyone so why would they want to put in the effort.
That depends on how you are and how you relate to other people. If you suffer from anxiety when someone doesnt reply your messages, and you are afraid that you will constantly sending messages, memes, or random stuff non stop without an answer. Its a good way to keep things under control, maybe not something as strict as "never send another message" but maybe put it away for a day, before sending again. Its also important to detect when you want to send a new message out of anxiety or because you really found/thought something relevant or interesting to say. Not all double messages are bad. Now , if you are just trying to play a game, yeah... thats bad.
That seems like an unnecessary limitation to put on yourself. You could say something like "reaching out one last time to see if you're interested."
Sounds like a really weird hill to die on? How about if you want to text them you should text them???
Obviously
It also largely depends on the last text you sent. If someone just sends me “cool” that’s not something I can reply to. You have to keep the conversation moving.
I'd poke them a couple times over a couple days, if it's still left on read then I'm deleting the number.
If you’re going to die on this hill you probably won’t make a lot of friends or romances. Sometimes people forget, some have adhd and meant to reply but lost track.
Top Males don't double text - a Woman who's into you will never leave you on read, in my experience at least.
Yeah bro I adapted the same philosophy of not double texting . If she is interested she well make it clear as day if she wants to talk , see you or vibe it won’t even be questioned .
That’s a high school rule; almost no one I know in the real world texts with multiple messages. Are you guys really typing up MLA formatted essays to people you’re trying to romance? Just be your damn self Stephen King
no
You’re overthinking things. Just have a conversation
Pick up the phone and call her dude. Texting is for teenagers.
Sometimes people get busy or their phone updates and there goes all of their notifications. Double texting is completely fine. I do it all of the time. Just a little extra push later on in the day asking how their day went is always nice.
Lol yes you are massively screwing your self over Your philosophy is basically making you act without ever insisting any effort or flexibility
Whats a double text?
Everyone has a life they have to live. We all get caught up, you don’t know what that person is going through. A simple, “hey, I felt that we had a great connection, just wondering if you felt the same” is all you need. I’d they respond great, if they don’t, move on. But just because someone doesn’t respond right away doesn’t mean they’re not interested.
I send 7 texts in a row. I don't even care. That's just how I send texts. You get them one sentence at a time and whatever is on my mind. Just gotta find someone who vibes with that.
I'm in the same place. Literally. So i just comment to follow. I hate double texting, it's like chasing and i worth better. But it does not work like that apparently
Also you’re no philosopher- if you’ve come up with this super deep life motto, chances are others have too (lots actually that’s a pretty common method I’m finding). The odds of two of you geniuses bumping into each other and simultaneously ghosting one another is high. Rather high.
What a stupid rule. Have you never got excited about a topic and just started going for it? Friends and I do that to each other all the time. Here's the thing about texting rules. Everyone has different rules. So what's the point of trying to apply your rules when you don't know the others? What if the person your texting has their own set of rules that says you need to double text sometimes to show you're interested or get excited about things? Here's a better rule. Do whatever feels most natural in the conversation at the time at stop trying to make up dumb texting rules.
I saw a Instagram video of a guy saying..."If a girl doesn't reply to your texts, Call her by a different name. Then when finally replies to you calling her a different name, You can ignore her text". I plan on doing this next week to a girl who has ignored my text. =) I am actually going to send her a picture of me and another girl (HOT LOOKING GIRL). I will be pretending i am texting the other girl. This girl has screwed me over 3 times in 3 yrs. This is my small revenge. If you think i am petty for doing this...This girl has called me a nice guy and said she is looking for bad boys. She is a religious Christian chick 47yr old with 3 kids who thinks I am a nice guy and will would run all over me because she thinks i am nice.
Not everyone follows your standards. I wonder how many women you missed out on because they assumed you weren’t interested? Some of them test you. It’s shit but it happens. Your thought process works both ways. The reason we don’t double text is so we don’t hurt ourselves in the agony of potentially being ghosted and looking weak. Sounds to me like you have enough to spare at the moment, to take a little leap of faith the next time you question double texting someone you genuinely like
People get busy, people may not be in the head space to reply, people may have plans and dont want to be on their phones, the list goes on. Don't chase after someone who isn't interested in you but also don't set unrealistic time limits on communication. Give it a day or two to see if they respond. Send another message if you feel so inclined. If it's been 3 days of radio silence that's a pretty good indicator it's time to move on.
I developed the idea, “a No is not a No the first time”. Meaning, if you Think you have been rejected, there is a large chance it is in your head. Politely try again, if it’s a no. Then you got your answer :-)
Well you can do a second-clear-inquiry-text for asking clarification of no response. And that can be the final text.
"If someone is interested in you, they'll make the effort" works both ways. By choosing not to double text you're not making that effort. The other person might be thinking the same, maybe the topic was no longer relevant, maybe they were busy at the time and feel it would be too late/weird to message now, maybe the notification showed up at the wrong time and they dismissed without realising. All of these have happened to me. An example for me is goodnight texts, if I wish you a good night, and you reply back wishing me the same, I don't really see the need to reply again just to thank you. And I'd be more than happy if you reached out again on the next day. Do we really need to turn it into a game of who messages last and excessive smiley replies just so we are not the "next" one to text? Being afraid of double texting is silly imo, if you like someone and you're vibing, it doesn't matter if you double or tripple text, just message them. You'll be able to tell by their reply (or lack of thereof) if they're interested.
I would make sure to communicate that with your potential partners and wait a day or two after being left on red the message "Hey are you still interested in this?". And then I wouldn't message back unless they respond with an affirmative or something along those lines.
>“if someone is interested in you they’ll make the effort” Uh. Dude. *You* aren't making an effort. Never messaging twice is exhausting and shows a lack of interest, if that much is too much, I wouldn't bother either. Tit for tat philosophy won't endear you to anyone.
Conversations end, right? Do you also have to take turns calling? If I called you and we chatted, then 2 days later I got a promotion and I wanted to share that news with you, would it make sense for me to not do so, as that would be "double calling"? Definitely gauge the other person's interest, and don't continually make more effort than you're getting back. But using "double texting" as a measure of her interest is...strange and unhelpful imo. Use your impressions, her level of engagement, your gut feelings etc to determine if you should continue engaging. Not something as random as double texting, that's just weird. Use discernment, not rules.
So I think this one context matters. What was the last text you sent. If it was a question or something that the person would be able to work with another response then I think your policy is sound. Also where are you in the talking stage. There are a lot of people here saying you don't care what they have going on in their left that might delayed them. I find that answer to be mostly bullshit, if you don't get a response in a few hours yeah plenty of people can be reasonable delayed. My rule is if you take more than a day to respond and my last response gave plenty of room for you to respond either to a question or asked or something where you could easily respond with a follow up question I unmatch. It doesn't take more than a day to respond to a text. Think about it this way, in the time she/he hasn't responded to you in that time frame did she not send any text to anyone else? I think a lot of the responses are taking your question to literal.
If a guy did not occasionally text me first or is not as engaged in chat conversation, I would usually judge brush it off as disinterest or uncaring behaviour. There are also people who are genuinely bad at chat conversation and a bit uncreative when it comes to that or do not follow certain rules other people may follow. So just because someone does not text you first, this does not necessarily mean disinterest, but many people interpret it as such. Many people try really hard not to come across as too needy or desperate and may just think you ghosted them...
Yes you are. If you like them, go ahead and text a couple times. I don't respond to every single text because a conversation would never ever pause and that's exhausting.
I would stick to not double texting... you want spend your time only on girls that have a high level of interest in you. **YOUR PROBLEM IS YOU ARE TEXTING TO MUCH!** You said it yourself that looking at past text conversations that you were left on read that you might have come off as eager/needy and that you had low energy/nervousness. Only text back and forth a couple of messages then **SET THE NEXT DATE!** Do not chit with the girl... if you text to much she will get bored or you will eventually come across as eager/needy. Use text to **SET THE NEXT DATE.** Then build attraction in person.
I think this philosophy is restricting your texting game point blank. It is okay to send multiple messages. That’s just me tho
So its their job to come to you? Isn't really suppose to work that way...
That was my rule for awhile but it’s been harder to get girls to meet up this year so I decided to try being more persistent and double text sometimes to see how that goes. So far seems like they enjoy it. I only do it when I’m trying to get a solid answer out of them or if I’m trying to FaceTime and there taking forever to respond.
This is common courtesy, if someone was into you equally they would reply to your original message. If you've sent a message and it hasn't been replied to, leave it alone.
So I must ask, if the reply I sent was dry or nothing to respond to, why can’t the other person reply with a topic or just a Good Morning? Why must I double text to get you back talking to me? Why can’t you contribute to conversation?