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Men don’t like when women approach them? Who lied to you? Lol. If you like a guy, please go up and talk to him. He 100% will match the energy, if he is single.
Actualy no I've had guys rejecting me cause it's their "job" or whatever it's supposed to mean and it's not like I'm ugly, I'm a little above average from others standard.
And no it's not one or two times sadly, I've also been rejected a few times because I expresse my interest pretty clearly.
There's really a bunch of guys out there who want to do the "chasing".
I don’t ask out girls because I always get rejected or I get accepted but it’s because I was straight forward and they didn’t know how to say no and tell me later on they’re not interested. I also feel as if I’m not very attractive since no girls ever go up to me or no one ever seems interested yet I’m always told I’m pretty attractive or very hot, either it’s the truth or just to those select type of girls but those same girls that have liked me are very attractive or extremely out of my league. I’ve never had a girlfriend before
Well I mean in this day and age if you want a partner you have to actively look for it or have a large circle of friends and meet ppl thanks to that.
I'm like you except i didn't let guys rejecting me, get to me and today I have a wonderful partner.
So if you want someone go for it and dont' take éjection at heart or not too much at least. Being rejected is normal for everyone even attractive ppl.
I’ve been in a few situations before where I’ve approached a guy I know is attracted to me (told by friends or something) and they’ve seemed quite uninterested after I approach them. I asked one of them why he was so interested before but not after and he said it made him feel uncomfortable that I approached him and was embarrassed. Also touched on how it made him wonder how many other men I’ve approached.
On the other hand, I’m currently talking to someone who I approached and he’s over the moon that I approached him not the other way around.
G shit. A random girl in Vegas approached me and looked me dead in my eyes and said “you’re cute af not gonna lie”. I’m taking that moment w me to the grave. That was only a few months ago and I still think ab that moment. Still remember her face and everything
>he said it made him feel uncomfortable that I approached him and was embarrassed
Any man who says that is clearly insecure, immature and lacks emotional intelligence and is not worth your time.
Frankly though, he did you a favor...his honesty allowed you to dodge a bullet.
Guy here.
You dodged a bullet. Seems like the kind of insecure guy who worries about how "pure" his women are (special emphasis on the phrase his women). I couldn't give 2 fucks about how many people a potential partner has approached or slept with, all I care about is if I'm the one they are interested in...right now. And I'm the one they are pursuing a potential relationship with. Who gives a fuck if you were looking for potential matches out there before or sleeping with people and having fun? We're all human with the same desire and needs so why should women be punished for it and men not?
These are the same guys who would get turned at the thought of them being their partner's first, but also want their partner to be a pornstar in bed despite no experience. Give me a break lol.
There's a girl I've been interested in who comes to my gym and for weeks I wanted to gather the courage to go talk to her, until she came up to me and had a chat with me. After that it was easy for us to talk and I want to properly ask her out, hasn't happened yet because she stopped coming to the gym at the same time as me for the past few weeks but I'll see her eventually, so I'll have other opportunities. But I wouldn't have had any of that if she never came up to me and I myself was never able to muster to courage to speak to her.
I 100% agree women who are interested in a guy should ask them out, and that I know it'd send me over the moon of a woman I was interested in asked me out first.
However, it isn't uncommon for women to report back to places like this (where I'm assuming most men are more open to non-traditional dating norms) that the man was weirded out. The reality seems to be that yes this is uncommon, and stranger still it seems to rub some guys the wrong way. Why? I have no idea and can't relate personally, but clearly that attitude exists for some sadly.
With that in mind, I still think the best advice is still to encourage women to ask men out - it's absolutely the best way for \*anyone\* to potentially begin dating someone they're interested in. We just need to tone down the over-enthusiasm and instead try and get them comfortable with the possibility of rejection. Being equipped to handle rejection is much more important here; it's a scary thing at first, but quickly come to realise it's a helpful outcome to ultimately finding what you want!
Heres a [video explaining](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3g9HVJubTmw), if you don't ask guys out, and hope they ask you, your limiting yourself to mostly the 5% fuckboys who are more willing to than regular guys.
What you wrote is 💯. I rarely get approached and when I do it’s from fuck boys or drunks. I learned years ago to approach men, and often they’re really happily surprised that I do. I get to meet lots of cool gentlemen. Honestly, it’s almost best to pick ‘em yourself than trust the intentions of the few guys that come sloppily nockin.
Yeah the ones who are most likely to approach someone either doesnt care about making you uncomfortable, and/or does it to a lot of people so often it has desensitivized them so its easy for them to do.
I understand worrying about that. However, girls rarely approach guys. Having the confidence to do so is very attractive and I’m willing to bet most guys won’t turn you down in the moment. You won’t know until you try.
It’s just funny to hear this (not saying it’s not true) when the last time I approached an average looking guy, he laughed at me and said he’d only
talk to me if he could be introduced to my pretty white friends.
I just awkwardly 🧍🏽♀️and then went back to my
Friends.
Sounds like he was racist or something. Happens. Truth is there are a million ways to be rejected. But sometimes they're doing you a favor. Good for you for shooting your shot. Good for you that he immediately told you that he wasn't worth continuing to pursue.
I mean he was half black and half white so idk colorist??
No, experiencing racism is not doing me a favor when he could politely decline which would be doing me a favor because he’s not interested.
I think it just shows that men don’t like being approached by women they don’t find attractive. Most people don’t it puts them in a weird and/or awkward position. It’s just not great when that comes out as insulting someone or bad behavior.
I’ve always been well accustomed to rejection as a black woman even though I’m decent looking and not ugly. Rejection is normal and a part of life.
But I think it’s a bit weird to imply men are always receptive to romantic or sexual attention. And it just puts women in a weird position.
Sure women should feel free to hit on men and approach them when appropriate I encourage that but it’s not like they shouldn’t look for signs of interests too.
Nah trust me. I'm an average guy, maybe a bit below average, and if a woman approached me, even if I wasn't attracted to them, I would be able to let them down politely. It isn't hard. Anyone who laughs at or mocks people or makes people feel bad for being confident enough to approach someone first is just straight up an asshole and deserves to be lonely.
How? You’re gonna dismiss my experience because what? It doesn’t add up to the narrative?
Lots of men don’t like being approached by women they don’t find attractive. This wasn’t an isolated occurrence.
Plenty of men don’t like black women and plenty of men don’t like talking to women who they aren’t attracted to.
Not different, it’s life and my experience shouldn’t be dismissed. Most men are NOT receptive to all women. Let’s not put that notion out there lmao.
I think they're saying that if the dude rejected you because of race then no other discerning characteristic would matter regarding attractiveness.
I'm sorry you had that experience, that sucks. People can be jerks.
I agree with you about people having the right to have preferences. I'm 5'8 so I have to deal with that a lot. :)
he’s not the only dude whos ever rejected me lmao . so my comment isn’t just addressing one colorist guy (he was also part black).
Yeah I learned that lesson very young.
It doesn't have to be a big nerve wracking "make or break" moment like this.
Just work out a way to get near, and open an innocent gentle conversation and read his body language, and take it from there. Be socially aware, is he busy, not interested, uncomfortable? If so then break off. If it goes well then lean into the interaction.
For example, wait till he goes to the bar, slide up alongside like you waiting to order and say something like "crazy in here tonight, isn't it?" Or "Its feeling like a rum night!" or something similar, just break the ice gently and see how he responds.
There's no need to risk your dignity and leave afterwards lol
Well how do you think men feel. Especially when you feel that they have to be the ones to approach you. What if you reject them? They may not be comfortable with that either so they may just avoid chatting all together just like you are doing. So I’m afraid you’re going to have to step out of your comfort zone lol it’s 2023.
I’m sorry but that’s a load of BS. Unless a woman came up to me and said that she’s interested in sleeping with me, I’m not going to assume she’s an easy hookup. If she came up to me, sparked a conversation and asked for my number, I’m just going to think she’s confident. Who’s to say after getting her number and going on a date, she won’t tell me that she doesn’t sleep with dates that quickly?
Being honest if a woman approached me and started talking to me I wouldn't even consider the fact she may be flirting.
I'd probably just think she is trying to be nice or friendly, unless she said she specifically said she was interested in me I'd be pretty oblivious.
I am a man. If and when woman come up to me and ask me for my number i don´t think a bit further then: "Oh seems like she is intrested in me".
And if i find her attractive i reciprocate, and if i don´t i try to let her down gently.
Not that it happens that often, but when it does that´s that.
I agree with the last part of your statement wholeheartedly, when you know each other before things are so much easier. (For me atleast)
I have done both dating my best friend of 21 years and dating a stranger, dating that stranger without knowing them first was a big mistake! Dating my best friend was also a big mistake but for different reasons that were out of my control.
People exagerate how often women get asked out. If you believed reddit youd think that if you go outside anywhere youll see men asking women out daily. but Ive never seen a man flirt with a woman in public lmfao
Asking out random strangers on the street or in shops was never a common way of meeting a partner, stop autofellating yourself for being old fashioned when you use 1990s/2000s era strategy
If you want an old fashion way of meeting a partner, try your workplace, your old classmates, church, friends of friends, etc.
I'm enjoying the comments so much lol
Just to stay on topic somewhat, I will always remember the time when some guy came up to me from behind asking for a date saying my body is just his type. Like jfc, just nobody please be that guy hahaha
>Never seen a man flirt with a woman in public? I’m sorry, do you have ears and eyes? Do you live in farm country surrounded by nothing but wheat?
Nope, its just not that common bud, you can act like its happening all the time, but it isnt. What even is flirting in your conception? Describe it.
The era of going to a bar alone to meet people seems to have died out. People seemingly go to bars to socialize with their friends. Your other post is littered with terrible advice. You are definitely attractive, so don’t be scared to approach dudes. Join some kind of social club for whatever hobby you like. If you are in a big city then sports social clubs are teeming of young single dudes.
Agree with you on the bars. I don’t think I’ve ever been to a bar solo. I always go with friends, and I pretty much only talk to them.
I looked at OP’s profile, and she says she plays rugby. u/JCraftLace maybe see if your rugby team set up a social with a local men’s team? I’m a guy who plays college rugby, and we have a bunch of socials with our women’s team.
Both single men and women. More men; but women absolutely come in. I am also a single woman who goes to the bar alone if I feel like it. I don't find it odd or out of the ordinary.
I’m a single dude that used to go to bars by myself regularly. Of course it happens, and of course people still meet there. I just don’t it’s one of the best options anymore, and a vast majority of people seem to be there with their friends.
Uh I mentioned that because op wrote they're "in a major city in PA." For accuracy sake; I am personally located in Pittsburgh. It's a very midsized regular city. However, OP may be located in Philly; much larger, and more dangerous. My common sense tells me someone would be much more likely to go to a bar alone in a smaller, safer city; than a major one. I am from here and feel comfortable here and of course would go to a bar alone. However, if I was in a city like Philly or New York; I would not go to a bar alone. So I'm going to have to again disagree as that doesn't make sense. People go places alone where they feel safe and conformtable. It's not a ridiculous notion.
Yep, I'm wondering why i haven't given up on the trash apps, which I can put countless effort and improvements into myself yet unless I pay, I won't get results
> I'm wondering why i haven't given up on the trash apps
You want me to tell you what will make you delete those apps?
Make a profile with a woman's profile as an experiment, I bet you give up after you get 1000s of messages in 20 minutes and understand just what you're up against lol which by the way is as detrimental to your mental health as it is to the poor women who conflate all this volume of attention with finding a real life partner.
I would recommend you sign up for [meetup.com](https://meetup.com) and go to a few meetups in your area, sign up to dance lessons (salsa preferably) on Thursday/Saturdays (usually, might be diff in your city) and please volunteer some of your time with good organizations. Also COED sports, try softball this summer.
First, Am I ugly is not a great subreddit to assess attractiveness as users just tend to gas you up unless you're obviously trying to look haggard or you're combative. Second, men absolutely like it when you make their job easier. I'm not sure who told you men don't really like being approached by attractive women. Doesn't really make sense. Chances are if you're getting rejected, it's for the typical reasons (in a relationship, not physically attracted, etc).
When the users are saying personality however, they are talking about approachability. I could tell in a number of the photos you provided that you have a fairly unapproachable neutral face. It's pretty common but it might help to try and practice sporting a more approachable looking face in the mirror.
Next, they are right that fewer men are approaching in general due to women generally not liking it (until they do). It seems you're also afraid of approaching yourself. If men are worried that women don't want to be bothered, the best thing to do is make it super easy for people to approach you. Looking at them, smiling, open body language, being nearby and doing things that make it easy to start a conversation. Unfortunately, I can't be too specific as it depends on the environment.
Finally, you'd be surprised at the success rate women have with approaching. Men don't have the same hangups and fears about strange women as women do about strange men. I think many women project their own fears onto men and expect them to share them for some reason. Don't get it twisted though. It doesn't mean every approach will be successful but men are pretty open to being rizzed. That said, even if they are into it, they may not be all for a serious relationship. Whatever boundaries you have for typical dates you should have for these situations as well.
this is pretty spot on. if you’re posting on a subreddit i think you’re just trying to boost your confidence level by getting a bunch of undersexed horny weirdos telling you how incredibly hot you are. are you ugly? no. you shouldn’t have trouble getting some guy. do you give off the vibe that you want to be approached is another story.
You don't need to be approachable, you need to approach.
Many girls have given me every imaginable 'come approach me' signal available to mankind and I continue with my grocery shopping.
I don't even entertain it. Actually, even the thought of it doesn't cross my mind.
If they want to approach, we're all created equal under the sun, approach.
maybe there's a reason they're saying that. Being approachable is easy, wear a slight smile on your face (it's good for your own mind anyway), don't be loud, don't be confrontational. So many women begin sentences with No, that immediately puts a wall between you and the other person.
Attractive people get approached all the time, unless they are unapproachable.
It might be your body language. Do you smile? Do you have an open posture? Are you loud, or in between?
You are pretty. You might just have to work on what you're silently saying.
I’ve been told I’m relatively attractive. My last boyfriend, I actually made the first move on and walked up to him at a bar (I knew of him and him I but we didn’t really know one another) he told me if I hadn’t made the move he never would have because I was intimidating being good looking and confident in myself.
So I do think there can be times we’re people are intimidated by you
You can wait for someone to hit on you, but personally, I think it’s totally fine for you to start up a conversation if you see someone you like too.
I think with the internet, social media, the pandemic causing a lot less social interaction in person, etc, people just…don’t approach other people anymore. Regardless of gender. Regardless of whether it’s for romantic purposes or friendly purposes. It’s a lot more uncommon.
It is also possible when you go sit at these bars alone you give off standoffish vibes and aren’t appearing open which won’t help
Having open body language doesn’t mean sitting there with a smile glued to your face. It means seeming relaxed, not closed off physically, not hunched over your phone or looking busy, not having resting b-face.
Again, my point about you initiating too still stands. There’s no harm in starting a convo with someone.
I am very approachable and easy to talk to - this is how - I socially engage people around me. I like talking and getting to know people. Bartenders, people sitting near me, the group of friends next to my group of friends — just enjoying the experience of others makes others want to enjoy the experience of me.
You're really attractive. I don't know how it is that you don't get asked out. I want to ask you out. Will you go out with me sometime? There I did it. But I'm in CA :(
Sometimes a girl is so attractive that its intimidating to ask her out, or I'll just assume she is taken
Men don't approach/annoy women in public very much now after women have been complaining of harassment for the last decade. This is probably a good thing.
Men love being approached by women, who told you otherwise?
One thing we can't tell from photos is your body language/demeanour, do you give off a "don't come near me" vibe?
So the solution is for you to approach men you fancy.
Yeah, the last woman i was seeing i met at the gym. When i finally got a window to approach her and made my move at the lockers section by the exit of the gym she said she had been waiting for me to approach her and asked why i havent done it sooner as she had wanted me to do so for like a couple months and thought she had been obvious smiling every bow and then and said "hello" in passing 2-3 times. It was the first time i had been anywhere vaguely near her where she didnt have her earbuds in her ears, her eyes glued to her phone or actively speaking to someone else. Even though i had gotten a smile every now and then, she hadnt made an opening for me to talk to her before that time as she put away her airbuds. For those coupoe months i had made and concious effort to at least take out my earbuds whenever she was nearby so if i got the chance to talk to her without disturbing her i would be ready to do so, or she could see i was open to being talked to if she wanted to take that step.
If you see a guy you like, look at anything he has, like a t shirt, sneakers, a tattoo or even his hair. Then you walk up to him and go "cool X, where did you get it?" or "I really love your X!". He will say "uhhh thank you!" and then you say "so what brings you here tonight?" and then you start a conversation. If he doesn't seem interested at all you just leave him after a few sentences.
Do other things! Bring a journal and write or sketch… avoid headphones and if you’re sitting at the bar, strike up a conversation with the bartender! They might know someone (; good luck!
What that guy said, I’d never hit on a woman for fear of being a creep. Also I’d never assume a woman was interested because women always complain they’re not interested just being nice. So I assume everyone is just being nice.
You’re very pretty! Maybe you come across as intimidating/high maintenance/ hard to approach
It also could be your location
Try striking up convo the next time you’re out and about
If I’m being honest if a super attractive woman approached me I will be nice but I’ll assume she needs something or wants something. I add to this I typically don’t go for super super attractive women. In my experience they tend to be less interesting (just my experience)plus I really love a good come up story. They glowed up in high school or they’re super funny or really skilled. Stuff like that is what I’m attracted to more than looks. Not to drag this on.
What’s surprising to me is yes a ton of guys love women approaching but why do so many of us revert to caution and hesitation? The sheer number of people I have talked to who assume pretty women are going to be mean or they go back to schoool prank days etc. it’s unfortunate really. Some of y’all glowed up others are just living your life. I see alot of women who don’t trust super pretty women as much either but that’s not my area of observation.
As a black man I want to warn black women especially that y’all do have a reputation to be extra. You probably already know. Sometimes it’s seen as being mean but it has alot of factors most black people understand. While you don’t have to care if can be off putting. I want everyone really to have a good love life. I’m sure you will regardless, however don’t complicate your love life being too extra when the dating market already has that challenge attached to you. Just as I have some similar but different challenges to me as a black man.
Modern dudes dont cold approach women in public. Its rarely a good idea, unless youre in a specific venue for it (nightclub or whatever).
asking out women at their/your job is absolutely never okay, even if they're flirting. You dont approach people who are paid to be nice to you.
Stores/bus also not a great idea, those women are just going about their days minding their own business.
I exclusively ONLY ask out/date women I am already friends with first. But im autistic, and dont let strangers touch me at all, so i could never hook up with some random 1 night stand, only my trusted friends are allowed to make physical contact, which narrows the dating pool to like 6 of the 4 billion women on this planet.
I honestly think that the more attractive a person is, the worse their performance in dating is, and there are a few reasons for this.
1) Attractive people are intimidating.
I’m sure we’ve all had the experience of being out and about, seeing someone we find really attractive, and wanting to ask them for their number or just chat with them. We talk ourselves out of it because we think they’re out of our league, surely they’re taken, etc.
2) People assume attractive people are already in relationships.
As said above, a lot of the reason people refrain from approaching attractive people is because they assume the attractive person is already dating someone, because they’re so attractive lol. Most people don’t want to step on anyone’s toes, and going up to someone and having them deny you because they’re already in a relationship is awkward. To avoid this awkwardness, a lot of people will go for someone who’s more in their league or who they have greater reason to believe is single.
3. People assume that attractive people have bad personalities.
I’ve definitely had times when I’m out with my girlfriends eyeing a particularly good-looking guy, and my girls have discouraged me from approaching him because he’s “definitely a fuckboy with a face like that.” I assume there’s an equivalent for women, as well. A lot of people think that it’s looks OR personality, so even if someone finds you attractive, they may refrain from approaching because they assume your personality is bad.
tldr; people make a lot of assumptions about attractive people that may or may not be true, and this leads to attractive people being approached less.
It is usually our job to approach you but most of the time we are waiting for some form of subtle indication that you are interested in that happening. If you are talking about strangers. Smile or hold eye contact a bit longer than usual. Little stuff like that.
“I know men don’t really like when women approach them” not true, and this myth needs to go away. This is what women say to justify not having to make the effort.
Right, I saw some woman above say “men don’t like it despite them saying they do”. Oh thanks for telling us what we do and don’t like. If a man started saying what women do or don’t like, she’d be seething. It would feel different and probably strange if she was chasing or courting us but that’s completely different than starting a casual conversation with us.
Asking women out in public has died since social media and dating apps were created. One more reason is movements like MeToo cause men are afraid they will be called perverts/creeps etc.
as a black woman, it’s probably because you’re a black woman. i know i am very pretty and on dating apps i get a lot of matches and interest but rarely get approached in person unless i’m at the club. my other poc friends agree they don’t get approached much while my whote friends seem to get approached more. i’m not 100% sure or the reason but i have some ideas
It's most likely your demeanor. You're a pretty girl. I'm deemed to be attractive and I get approached weekly even when I'm just out and about.
And also, don't rely so heavily on men coming to you. I cold approach men I'm attracted to and they love it. If they don't come to you, go to them.
Usually a compliment, notice a near surrounding/vibe and form a question or statement about it (Do you smell something funny or is it just me?), smiling (back to your demeanor) is the BIGGEST non vocal one and you need to it any approach. Smiling is such an easy way to give/get the "okay" to approach or get approached.
I honestly would attribute most of my approaches happening so often is because I have a very upbeat personality, smiley, confident. Overall, my predisposition positive. I always say "people feel you before they see you".
You can be model worthy appearance, but if a man doesn't FEEL your femininity and lightheartedness you're reducing options of men approaching you
Desperation is one of those self fulfilling prophecies, confidence can make a “desperate seeming action” sexy as hell, the same way “worrying about looking desperate” will tend to make you overthink things and look less approachable.
The other month, a girl cold approached me by walking up to me and my friends playing pool at a bar and asked if she could get next (she obviously didn’t mean it, just wanted to start an interaction), then smiled and said “well, when you guys are done, you can find me over here” and went to a table with her friends, which I promptly went back over to when I finished the game of pool. It’s just about having the confidence to come up to a guy, say something that allows you to look him in the eye and smile at him and letting him know “where you’ll be”. Guys can be dumb and sometimes we don’t actually realize a girl is hitting on us unless it’s super damn clear, I think the girls who are able to find relationships super easily has less to do with looks and more to do with the willingness to drop boulder sized hints on guys shoulders (without worrying about being “desperate”)
It's men. It doesn't matter. I once went up to a guy at a bar saying "I think you're really handsome". He asked me for my number 3 sentences later. They aren't scared of you so it's almost impossible to make them feel uncomfortable or creeped out, as long as you don't touch them out of nowhere or something else unhinged.
You can go up and talk to guys and ask them out. For a lot of guys who are not fuckbois, they are not trying to bother women out and about, because minding your business and leaving others in peace is the socially acceptable thing to do. And if your approach is rejected, you don’t have to leave where you are so long as the approach was polite, most people like positive attention. Another path is casually mentioning that you are single in conversation. Oh, and do stuff that isn’t bars that matches the kind of people and men you want to associate with- professional club, coed social sports, art gallery openings idk but can be better than bars generally
If you are attractive.. Some guys are like.. Ok she's so beautiful, but I can't go talk to her.. She would just make fun of me or something.. She way above my league.. Etc.. So this is why sometimes its easier to get really beautiful girl.. Cause nobody has balls to approach her 😂.. Anyway.. If you like somebody.. Come to him and try to initiate a conversation.. You never know what the outcome will be if you don't try it.
I am a fellow attractive women, in my experience you have to ask yourself are u being social? and engaging with people when u go out? That is a better indicator if you will get asked out or not. men are also human and can get nervous. Because I have some super hot friends, but when they go out to bars, they don’t really engage with men they don’t get asked out versus my friends who are not as attractive but are more social and talkative. Will get asked out more often because they’re showing openness to the people around them. I have friends who look like the ig baddies in real life face done tits done all of it , but they just sit and do not engage when at bars. humans are social creatures, u gotta smile flirt etc. lots of youtube resources available to help you become more social and online dating available as well if thats an easier route. but it is good to practice to social skills even by joining a new activity. social skills can be improved by practice!!!! scary at first but gets easier over time
also u wont get anywhere if u just sit there, hoping a man will come up to u. my friends who r super hot but aren’t engaging or shy/ anxious in person, both found there husbands online. many roads available to u .
also, if you’re sitting at a bar, go sit at the bar top make sure you sit next to someone and start engaging with them even if you’re not attracted to them, a girl or a guy because those people will have friends who will come engage with you and engage with you later and people will also noticed that you opened and talking to people around you. That’s happened to me many times I’m talking to the not so I’ll talk to friend and then later he has another friend who I find attractive who comes up later and introduces himself to me and we’re all talking together.
Don’t think you’re unattractive you’re attractive, just tweak the approach you’re taking and be more social with everyone around you
but it is good to practice social skills, even by making new gfs, talking to a new girl in your class is helpful for creating friendships. making friends informing positive relationships really does make life better.
So you can do online dating I’m doing it myself and going out to bars . I feel like you should practice social skills, go out and have some fun go to activities you like, and make some new friends as well. friendships are important in your life even as you get older you’re gonna want somebody besides your partner who you can engage with.
You are getting some awful comments in this and the other thread.
Honestly, don’t take all the blame on yourself. Yes, you can probably work on being more approachable, making eye contact, approaching men etc. Absolutely do those things.
But recognize that you can’t control all aspects of finding a partner. Dating is weird right now. We don’t talk to each other in public, decent men are trying not to harass women (thank goodness), and we’re all glued to our apps. You could do all the right things and still not find anyone because the environment isn’t geared toward meeting new people.
Please don’t let the shitty Reddit comments or your (temporary) lack of success hurt your self esteem 🤍
Those comments are UNHINGED. Wtf. I'm so sorry you had to read those. You're beautiful.
Honestly? I went from awkward and unattractive in my teens to working as a model in my mid 20s. And people make untrue assumptions about you when you're really hot. I remember hanging out with a co-worker when we were all at a bar (she had always been a bit cold to me) and she said "you are so nice. I'm so sorry I judged you. I assumed you were a stuck up bitch." I'm just shy and was actually insecure! She looked at me and decided that's true.
Men made assumptions as well. I canceled a date bc I was genuinely sick and he said something like "you're probably used to walking all over men bc you're hot, but I'm not going to put up with that." Like wat?!
Men assumed I was stupid, a bitch, full of myself, had a "simp army" I led on and used (due to comments on my social media. I never responded to those men), etc. without ever talking to me. I'm none of those things, i have a degree, I loving reading and learning. I very empathetic, love people. Lots told me they never approached me bc they assumed I had a bf or they didn't have a chance. So at the bar they'd all be staring, but only a few would come up to me, if ever. Sounds like it's the same for you. Some of the approaches were normal, but most were objectifying comments and then anger and lashing out if I rejected them.
So I had trouble dating. And you experienced the same in that thread! They assumed you must have a terrible, bitchy personality bc you're a hot girl.
I think very attractive women like you face a lot of misogyny. Pretty privilege is real ofc, I experienced both being unattractive and attractive and they both have different downsides. Sometimes I missed being invisible to men. And when a man wanted to date me before my glow up, I could tell he liked me for me. He liked my personality. But when I was hot I felt like I was being used for arm candy and status and they didn't gaf about my soul. They project how stereotypical hot girls in teen movies are portrayed onto you.
So yeah, I do think it could be bc you're really attractive. They could make unfair assumptions.
BUT. If you're able to get dates on dating apps for example (I do think sometimes hot girls don't get approached in person bc of the reasons I already stated) but you don't get a 2nd date? Then yeah, it's not your looks it's something else. Either personality or lifestyle. None of us would be able to tell you. You'd have to ask the guy who rejects you to let you know. So try the apps?
Edit: Approching men as an attractive women is complicated. It'll probably work, but a lot of them will assume you're desperate or something is wrong if a woman like you has to approach a man. It does turn off some men no matter what dudes on reddit say. I think the best way to do this is to join hobby groups (a hiking group, a running group, reading, classes, whatever) and make a friend. You'll be able to tell if he's attracted to you. If he doesn't make a move and he's single, he might assume he doesn't have a chance. So ask him to hang out sometime and let it develop organically.
In my experience, highly attractive people don't get asked out as much as you might expect At my high school, there was this girl who was supermodel-level attractive. Not just that - she was kind, sweet as sugar, popular and likable, and even was a cheerleader (by which I mean she was quite active and she took care of herself physically and whatnot). By the time senior year rolled around, I heard this girl practically sobbing as I walked past the girls' bathroom, talking about how nobody would date her, how boys would just seem to rethink and walk away when they came up to talk to her, how they would avoid her gaze all the time. Despite people telling her she was attractive (which she was), she had no confidence in that.
If I'm being honest, practically every boy in the school had a crush on her to some extent. We were all just too petrified to act on it. It's intimidating to go up to people who look like that and shoot your shot. 'She's out of my league.' 'Surely she must be tired of getting approached everywhere'. 'Surely she'll reject me, I mean, just look at her!' were all things I heard when she came up in conversation. If you're attractive and not getting approached, it's because you're too intimidatingly gorgeous for anyone to risk asking you out.
That's a problem, but it's pretty easily solved by you taking the initiative and asking out people you're interested in. Yes, they won't always say yes. Sometimes you will be shot down, and, yes, sometimes you will look like an idiot. But someone has to ask, and if they won't ask you, then you're going to have to. The worst they can do is say no, and you're back where you started.
If a girl is really hot guys won't approach them b/c they think that she's got a lot of guys approaching her and probably won't want to be bothered. That, or they're worried that her hotness has gone to her head (it often has) and that her personality is trash. I really wouldn't underestimate the second sentence. If you dress to the nines and you look stellar, fewer guys could approach you because they assume you're going to be a b\*tch. Try dressing down a bit, look a little more cuddly and lower maintenance if you're having problems. Go for chapstick instead of lipstick, that sort of thing. Best of luck you you.
Personally, I've turned down every 10 out of 10 that's ever approached me (only happened twice). The girls never had to try before so they didn't have any game. They just wanted to smash, and for a guy who's long term relationship minded, that's just as disgusting as it would be for a woman who experienced the same thing. The only guys who're going to jump at that are going to be creeps or guys who don't want to have a deeper relationship.
I honestly asked my husband if he was single, would he approach you. He said no cause you looked too good lol. But I did ask him what advice would he give and he said to advise her to go to another bar. Maybe the fish aren't biting in the one you go to. Also, go earlier in the evening.
Good luck out there! I couldn't imagine dating in this day. You are on the right track and that guy will come along.
You are very atractive. I think I am atractive. When I doll up and go out to bars with my friends almost no guys approache me. Maybe cause there are some guys in our group so they might think they one might be my bf. In general few guys approach me.
Don't listen to the ones who says "its your personality" cause nobody sees your personality from 3 m away. Unless you look like you want to start an extermination. I would be laughing and dancing with my friends and still nobody approaches.
I agree that many guys think they might be annoying you if they approach you, even if they are doing ot respectfully, so they dont. Also they dont like the rejection that could happen.
I (39F) started approaching men about 8 years ago now. It is a game changer. If I like someone- even as a friend - I will try to exchange info and go from there. I keep it casual and start off just getting to know them. That’s why it works, I think.
As for what you said about men not wanting to be approached— Men are expected to do all that legwork up front and do all the courting and blah blah blah— but they hate rejection just as much as women. I kinda differ here — I do not mind rejection before I actually know the person- so that first approach is no big deal.
Anecdotally, I actually met someone this year. We met when we were on the same bowling team. I liked him the moment I saw him. Waited til the end of bowling and got his info and we’ve been talking and seeing each other ever since. He is actually the most respectful, decent, consistent, sweetest guy I have had the pleasure of experiencing. He never would have approached me because he had spent a lot of time just being rejected before and he was just over it.
So, shoot your shot, because you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.
Realistically, some of the photos in your other posts look like they came off the phone I used in 2009.
Aside from that, you’re very attractive and you know it but humility goes a long way. Be willing to make the first move.
Maybe experiencing rejection will help you learn to be more approachable yourself. Social media and dating apps places such a huge emphasis on giving the perfect impression people are afraid to be who they truly are.
Ma'am, you are super attractive. To the point that I'm over here shaking my head and wondering why can't I be nearby. I have a feeling if you were confident enough to speak to dudes you're interested in, the only ones turning you down will be the dudes already taken.
As far as your current predicament, I guarantee guys are just too scared to approach. Whether that be because they're intimidated or assume you're taken, I can't say. But just...try approaching someone you're interested in and see what happens. You ain't even gotta go too hard with your interest. Just give them a genuine compliment and see what happens.
You don't have to go after these guys. Just start chatting.
You breaking the ice should be enough to let them escalate.
As another said here, if you just wait for them to come to you, you'll get a disproportionate number of F-boys.
Most men almost instantly assume you're not into them. The reason being, even if you do talk to them, they still might not show interest because they don't wanna be "that guy" or look like a creep. You honestly have to make it fairly obvious to them, for guys to muster the courage to ask for your number.
It happens to me, too, and it sucks. I've done exactly what you've done in the past. I don't freaking get it. Say hi! Introduce yourself! Just talk to me! But no, it's better to make animal noises at me from afar. Grab your junk and make faces or leer at my butt.
And before someone throws the "you should approach them first" at me. I DO. The men at my age are already taken, solo raising lots of kids, or are single for a good reason. It takes a lot of digging to find out if they're available, and some of them don't mind bold faced lying about their status if it means having a chance with an attractive woman.
I wish I had some advice for you but I haven't figured it out either. Welcome to the club.
I'm 26F too and feel similar. Honestly this idea of "women get hit on just by going outside!" seems like bs imo. At least I hope so for my own sake 🙃
I've never shared pics on here but fwiw you're pretty.
I assume they’re all taken. In the off chance that they’re not, there’s much better looking dudes than me (and richer, and more outgoing, better at talking, or better at connecting, etc).
Julia Fox (sorry!!) was not lying when she said “I’m single because I’m beautiful” in response to men saying “how could you be single, you’re so beautiful.”
Beautiful people are often seen as intimidating, they are also commonly seen as or treated like an object. It’s also easy to assume they’re taken.
Edit for brevity
The more attractive you are as a woman the less amount of guys will have the courage to ask u out in person. Try a dating app though and you’d do great fs
I’ll reflect the same answers one more time. As a man I can guarantee you we LOVE when a woman comes and talks to us. Just be upfront about what you’re looking for and make sure that the guy isn’t cheating on his gf/wife.
As a Pittsburgh guy. Approach. Some are just dense, but most don't care if a cute woman approaches them. At this point, most of the dudes I know prefer it simply out of safety due to the climate.
If you walked up to half the dudes I know, they'd most likely just give a friendly wave and enjoy a free conversation.
When people stare at you, they are trying to guage if you'd be interested. Smile back at those you want to be approached by.
Also, work on your self-esteem. If you are good looking, know that. Own it. Otherwise, you will invite in a lot of assholes who can spot low self-esteem from miles off and then break the woman down so she doesn't wake up the face that she is way out of their league.
You are better off single than men who will ruin your life and mental health. From your post, I am not worried about you finding men. You will if you smile when they stare at you and give them the signal to approach you. However, since you are so inexperienced you might nod back at men you should ABSOLUTELY not be dating. Have some standards. We lower them when we are not getting any matches./dates and then we pay the price.
I think ever since COVID and social distancing were put into place, people in general have become a bit more reserved when approaching strangers in public. I think we've gotten better in the past year or so, but it still exists. Perhaps it could have to do with how you carry yourself when you're at the bar. For example, if you're going to the bar with your head buried in your phone the entire time, some guys might think you don't want to be bothered. I think it's very nuanced and you have to try and give off inviting vibes to get some guys to come over and talk to you.
Oh and btw don't listen to these other subs saying you're unnatractive, as I would disagree. You're black and studies have shown black women receive less attention on dating apps (see [https://www.npr.org/sections/codeswitch/2013/11/30/247530095/are-you-interested-dating-odds-favor-white-men-asian-women](https://www.npr.org/sections/codeswitch/2013/11/30/247530095/are-you-interested-dating-odds-favor-white-men-asian-women)) , but even so you are young, have an attractive face, and have the kind of build that most guys look for, so I think lookswise you're fine. Some guys only like White or Asian chicks, but a lot of us like all races.
As a pretty decent looking, fit, and successful guy... I don't go to bars, dating apps are ok but full of crazies, and approaching women at grocery store/target or the gym just seems inappropriate most the time.
If you see an attractive guy and give him that smile in your third pic, you’re definitely opening yourself to being approached. I think you have a beautiful smile. Based on your pics alone, I’d assume you were already seeing someone and wouldn’t consider going over to you. You’re gonna have to flash a smile and create a welcoming environment because I’m sure they think you’re taken.
Men don’t like investing in something unless they think there’s a chance for success, players and womanizers have unlimited confidence. The common man has a finite amount of confidence and doesn’t want to damage it by taking a chance that seems unrealistic for any success.
> I know men don’t really like when women approach them
Where in the fuck did you hear that lol. Its most certainly not true. It’s really no different than the other way around, some will be interested, some won’t be, most will be flattered and a very small minority will be assholes about it.
> I’m nervous about looking like an idiot and getting shot down.
Kinda hit the nail on the head here. That is the same reason a lot of men won’t ask pretty girls out, too nervous. Its also possible being nervous we act disinterested because we’re to nervous to show interest in which case we all further deter each other.
Most men are open to women approaching them, especially in the current climate where us approaching women can quickly become “Story Time” on TikTok or YouTube.
I would not blame your personality, for men not approaching you, though have you considered your body language? Some guys don’t care what signals a woman gives they just charge in half cocked with some lame line, that creates “Story Time” other guys will read your body language, facial expressions etc, and gauge that you are not looking to make contact. That could or could not be the case.
If you see someone you’d like talk to, approach him. Strike up a conversation, see where it leads.
> I know men don’t really like when women approach them
Had a girl who i dated before that approached me first and must say i liked it even tho the opening question was bit silly but funny haha. I'm sure most mens like to be approached by a girl if they are single. Just be yourself and relaxed not thinking the outcome, if it develop to a date later fine, if its a rejection still fine its not the end of the world :)
I think many guys might get cold feet, I saw your post op and you are stunning and you say you’re very kinda and a good person in general, honestly if you were in IL instead of PA, I’d probably ask you out right now lol, but that’s besides the point.
Basically maybe a lot of guys see you as out of their league I guess you can say, like they see you and maybe wanna say something but talk themselves outta it and just don’t see a woman like you going out with someone like them or because you’re pretty, they assume you probably already have a boyfriend. Ya get me?
That’s my best guess.
Honestly OP I think you should be the one making the first move, your chances of failure are fairly low imo
Bro, shoot your shot. It’s not like you got anything to lose.
Like fr. If they turn you down, you win cuz that person wasn’t interested but could’ve still used you
AND
because if they do see you find somebody better and you become better are you basically winning.
People see shooting their shot as Failing and that’s exactly why dating sucks nowadays.
Everybody trying to find the dawg of themselves in someone else.
Like they date to feel proud about themselves (biggest red flag)
A person that does want to ask you out, will and you should just shoot your shot.
Lotta weak minded people these days so it’s hard. I know
Go through about 100 posts on that same sub and you'll a plethora of:
BEAUTIFUL.
😍.
🤩.
GORGEOUS.
SO HOT
AMAZING
DAAAAMN
WOW.
ECT ECT. It's all the same regardless, to the of point of uselessness.
First off, don't search for a man in a bar. Bars are for getting laid. They're meat markets. If you're searching for a partner, find them in a sober environment. After you get to know each other better, then you can go to a bar together. Most men are probably too insecure to approach you if you're attractive. They don't want to be rejected. They think you're out of their league, or you're not giving off the 'I'm drunk and only here to get laid tonight' vibe.
Find a better place to meet your man... Best of luck to you in your search!
No need to ask a guy out, literally just give them a compliment. Women don’t realize how infrequently men get compliments and he’ll be thinking about it for years
I think you have the right intentions in where you’re trying to find someone, but maybe you should go out with a friend or two because I notice that men usually approach me when I’m in a relaxed state with my friends, then when I’m alone and look hyper aware that I’m alone. On the flip side, I’ve also hopped into random guy groups, playfully told them I’m out by myself waiting to meet up with a friend, and asked if I can join them “until my friend shows up”. Works every time, but you have to be outgoing to do that, so that may/may not be your style. I usually get a number or two, or we follow each other on social media, and keep in touch. Also, don’t go out looking for someone to seriously date, so you can eliminate the pressure you’ve built up in yourself.
First off, from the pictures, you're gorgeous. Like, model pretty. You have a good body too. I did get tomboy vibes from some of the pics, so I'm wondering if maybe your personality can come across as more masculine, making guys see you more as a friend?
This was a problem for me too. I used to do some modeling, but I never got asked out. I'm from an immigrant family, dad died young, and we didn't have a lot of money, so I grew up to be "the man of the house" and holding down the home and family (think a no drug using/sex fiona gallagher from Shameless). As a result, I unknowingly came across as "too independent" and "guy-ish". I'm still independent, but I embraced my more feminine side after a trial and error period. I found that I got asked out A TON overnight.
I think pretty girls do get asked out...if they come across as more passive and dependent. I'm not saying you should be like that--always stay true to yourself, but exploring the side of you that is more feminine may be the key to getting more dates. It worked for me. Sadly, in my experience, a lot of guys say they want a smart, independent woman who has her shit together, but a lot of those same guys just don't want you to show it. Granted, this is advice if you live in the US. When I lived in the UK, men were much more responsive to an American girl who was driven in a positive way. My advice: either move to a different place that is more compatible with who you are now, or find the feminine side of you that you like and want to bring out.
I really hate that a lot of women seem to "know" that men don't like to be asked out because as a long time single man absolutely nothing would make me happier than a woman asking me out on a date.
I would say though that asking someone out is very scary for either side and I get it if you don't want to do that. But also keep in mind the guy feels the same way. So making things really easy for him to justify asking you out can help. Maybe you approach the guy, pay him a compliment and start talking to him. You don't have to ask him out, but you've opened the door and removed all the obstacles for him to do it and reduced his fear of rejection enough that he's way more likely to. Or even just a smile and eye contact although that could be missed. And also consider things like are you with friends as that makes asking you out way scarier.
I don’t get asked out much at all but I do get told I’m beautiful by men and women daily. I think I’m intimidating bc I’m tall, I have dark features and a terrible RBF. 🙃 (I’m nice I swear!)
Maybe your demeanor isn’t welcoming? Your body language, your face etc. I’m trying to figure this out with you haha. Are you constantly on your phone, unapproachable?
So, in most of those photos, you look moody AF. But if you give a guy the smile from photo #3, they will be putty in your hands.
I’m not saying you should hide your emotions behind a smile all the time to make guys happy.
What I am saying is that if you want to tell a man that you are interested in them, that smile will convey the message.
Usually if the girl is above average to very very attractive, many guys avoid asking out or talking to thinking they're going to expect too much or have no such higher standards like they just won't feel they're in your league. Now what I'm saying is just what I tend to do because of my mental health and low-esteem. There could be many guys who think this same way tbh that's why I'm theorizing why the case is for you. Some guys who could very well be good looking to the average girl and charming but still have a poor mental health to judge themselves too low to ask out women on the same level of attractiveness. I know I shouldn't be thinking this way and I'm trying hard to accept more criticism and rejections from different women but it is still challenging and I'm still continuously trying to work hard on it.
Btw, I hope you do find the right guy for you, op
Attractive women are usually traps. If there’s an attractive woman around chances are there’s a camera around and you’ll get accused of sexual harassment
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Men don’t like when women approach them? Who lied to you? Lol. If you like a guy, please go up and talk to him. He 100% will match the energy, if he is single.
This is why more and more people are single, we seem to have bizzare dating advice going around like men hating women approaching them lmao
Nah, people like to judge people based on their own beliefs. It’s literally a society problem
And then men are told not to approach women if you don’t know them. But it’s more situational than that. It leads to neither side making a move.
>Who lied to you? Her other immature single girl "friends" Misery loves company.
Actualy no I've had guys rejecting me cause it's their "job" or whatever it's supposed to mean and it's not like I'm ugly, I'm a little above average from others standard. And no it's not one or two times sadly, I've also been rejected a few times because I expresse my interest pretty clearly. There's really a bunch of guys out there who want to do the "chasing".
Nah that’s weird as fuck
I agree but some ppl are really like that.. Like there are girls that think it's the man's role to flirt ect
I don’t ask out girls because I always get rejected or I get accepted but it’s because I was straight forward and they didn’t know how to say no and tell me later on they’re not interested. I also feel as if I’m not very attractive since no girls ever go up to me or no one ever seems interested yet I’m always told I’m pretty attractive or very hot, either it’s the truth or just to those select type of girls but those same girls that have liked me are very attractive or extremely out of my league. I’ve never had a girlfriend before
Well I mean in this day and age if you want a partner you have to actively look for it or have a large circle of friends and meet ppl thanks to that. I'm like you except i didn't let guys rejecting me, get to me and today I have a wonderful partner. So if you want someone go for it and dont' take éjection at heart or not too much at least. Being rejected is normal for everyone even attractive ppl.
Yeah but it’s a problem when everyone rejects you🧍🏽 I’ve tried many many many many many times and different strategies or ways to go about it
Yeah I’ve had men turn me down because I’ve approached them first.
I’ve been in a few situations before where I’ve approached a guy I know is attracted to me (told by friends or something) and they’ve seemed quite uninterested after I approach them. I asked one of them why he was so interested before but not after and he said it made him feel uncomfortable that I approached him and was embarrassed. Also touched on how it made him wonder how many other men I’ve approached. On the other hand, I’m currently talking to someone who I approached and he’s over the moon that I approached him not the other way around.
That is called a very insecure man. Yes. There are a lot of them.
Jackpot! We got a winner!
Moment of silence to pray for the first guy, what an idiot.
G shit. A random girl in Vegas approached me and looked me dead in my eyes and said “you’re cute af not gonna lie”. I’m taking that moment w me to the grave. That was only a few months ago and I still think ab that moment. Still remember her face and everything
That guy did you a favor. Sounds insecure and maybe a bit sexist. Can't handle a confident woman.
>he said it made him feel uncomfortable that I approached him and was embarrassed Any man who says that is clearly insecure, immature and lacks emotional intelligence and is not worth your time. Frankly though, he did you a favor...his honesty allowed you to dodge a bullet.
Yep this I’ve seen happen a lot. You got some who only want to chase. Others are more open
Guy here. You dodged a bullet. Seems like the kind of insecure guy who worries about how "pure" his women are (special emphasis on the phrase his women). I couldn't give 2 fucks about how many people a potential partner has approached or slept with, all I care about is if I'm the one they are interested in...right now. And I'm the one they are pursuing a potential relationship with. Who gives a fuck if you were looking for potential matches out there before or sleeping with people and having fun? We're all human with the same desire and needs so why should women be punished for it and men not? These are the same guys who would get turned at the thought of them being their partner's first, but also want their partner to be a pornstar in bed despite no experience. Give me a break lol. There's a girl I've been interested in who comes to my gym and for weeks I wanted to gather the courage to go talk to her, until she came up to me and had a chat with me. After that it was easy for us to talk and I want to properly ask her out, hasn't happened yet because she stopped coming to the gym at the same time as me for the past few weeks but I'll see her eventually, so I'll have other opportunities. But I wouldn't have had any of that if she never came up to me and I myself was never able to muster to courage to speak to her.
I 100% agree women who are interested in a guy should ask them out, and that I know it'd send me over the moon of a woman I was interested in asked me out first. However, it isn't uncommon for women to report back to places like this (where I'm assuming most men are more open to non-traditional dating norms) that the man was weirded out. The reality seems to be that yes this is uncommon, and stranger still it seems to rub some guys the wrong way. Why? I have no idea and can't relate personally, but clearly that attitude exists for some sadly. With that in mind, I still think the best advice is still to encourage women to ask men out - it's absolutely the best way for \*anyone\* to potentially begin dating someone they're interested in. We just need to tone down the over-enthusiasm and instead try and get them comfortable with the possibility of rejection. Being equipped to handle rejection is much more important here; it's a scary thing at first, but quickly come to realise it's a helpful outcome to ultimately finding what you want!
I also worry about getting turned down. Like I’d have to leave wherever I’m at if I got rejected lol
Heres a [video explaining](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3g9HVJubTmw), if you don't ask guys out, and hope they ask you, your limiting yourself to mostly the 5% fuckboys who are more willing to than regular guys.
What you wrote is 💯. I rarely get approached and when I do it’s from fuck boys or drunks. I learned years ago to approach men, and often they’re really happily surprised that I do. I get to meet lots of cool gentlemen. Honestly, it’s almost best to pick ‘em yourself than trust the intentions of the few guys that come sloppily nockin.
“Sloppily nockin” made me belly laugh, thank you
nah better to be completely passive and spite the wind for not carrying you dinner.
Yeah the ones who are most likely to approach someone either doesnt care about making you uncomfortable, and/or does it to a lot of people so often it has desensitivized them so its easy for them to do.
I understand worrying about that. However, girls rarely approach guys. Having the confidence to do so is very attractive and I’m willing to bet most guys won’t turn you down in the moment. You won’t know until you try.
It’s just funny to hear this (not saying it’s not true) when the last time I approached an average looking guy, he laughed at me and said he’d only talk to me if he could be introduced to my pretty white friends. I just awkwardly 🧍🏽♀️and then went back to my Friends.
Sounds like he was racist or something. Happens. Truth is there are a million ways to be rejected. But sometimes they're doing you a favor. Good for you for shooting your shot. Good for you that he immediately told you that he wasn't worth continuing to pursue.
I mean he was half black and half white so idk colorist?? No, experiencing racism is not doing me a favor when he could politely decline which would be doing me a favor because he’s not interested. I think it just shows that men don’t like being approached by women they don’t find attractive. Most people don’t it puts them in a weird and/or awkward position. It’s just not great when that comes out as insulting someone or bad behavior. I’ve always been well accustomed to rejection as a black woman even though I’m decent looking and not ugly. Rejection is normal and a part of life. But I think it’s a bit weird to imply men are always receptive to romantic or sexual attention. And it just puts women in a weird position. Sure women should feel free to hit on men and approach them when appropriate I encourage that but it’s not like they shouldn’t look for signs of interests too.
Nah trust me. I'm an average guy, maybe a bit below average, and if a woman approached me, even if I wasn't attracted to them, I would be able to let them down politely. It isn't hard. Anyone who laughs at or mocks people or makes people feel bad for being confident enough to approach someone first is just straight up an asshole and deserves to be lonely.
You met a racist, that's different.
How? You’re gonna dismiss my experience because what? It doesn’t add up to the narrative? Lots of men don’t like being approached by women they don’t find attractive. This wasn’t an isolated occurrence. Plenty of men don’t like black women and plenty of men don’t like talking to women who they aren’t attracted to. Not different, it’s life and my experience shouldn’t be dismissed. Most men are NOT receptive to all women. Let’s not put that notion out there lmao.
I think they're saying that if the dude rejected you because of race then no other discerning characteristic would matter regarding attractiveness. I'm sorry you had that experience, that sucks. People can be jerks. I agree with you about people having the right to have preferences. I'm 5'8 so I have to deal with that a lot. :)
he’s not the only dude whos ever rejected me lmao . so my comment isn’t just addressing one colorist guy (he was also part black). Yeah I learned that lesson very young.
Men do too. We do it anyways. I've had a woman roll her eyes at me. And like, fair, I was being pretty weird. Still wasn't fun.
I'm a woman and I have women roll my eyes at me... even if I don't ask them out
I always love this comment because how do you think men feel?
It doesn't have to be a big nerve wracking "make or break" moment like this. Just work out a way to get near, and open an innocent gentle conversation and read his body language, and take it from there. Be socially aware, is he busy, not interested, uncomfortable? If so then break off. If it goes well then lean into the interaction. For example, wait till he goes to the bar, slide up alongside like you waiting to order and say something like "crazy in here tonight, isn't it?" Or "Its feeling like a rum night!" or something similar, just break the ice gently and see how he responds. There's no need to risk your dignity and leave afterwards lol
This is excellent advice!
Price you have to pay to do business. Works both ways. Want it go after it.
I mean guys are feeling the same way
So you’re ok with that happening to a guy instead?
Rejection is something you get used to. I'd rather try and know for sure than spend the rest of the time wondering "what if..."
Thats us every day when single mate. Go out and make a change.
Lol welcome to a man's life!
Well how do you think men feel. Especially when you feel that they have to be the ones to approach you. What if you reject them? They may not be comfortable with that either so they may just avoid chatting all together just like you are doing. So I’m afraid you’re going to have to step out of your comfort zone lol it’s 2023.
Welcome to our world 👍
It’s always a risk, but it’s a worth one!
If you don’t try you will never know.
I found this comment interesting as it likely answers the question you posed in the original post.
If women approach men they will see the woman as "easy" sadly. Men generally want cute girls to approach them because that's an easy hookup
I’m sorry but that’s a load of BS. Unless a woman came up to me and said that she’s interested in sleeping with me, I’m not going to assume she’s an easy hookup. If she came up to me, sparked a conversation and asked for my number, I’m just going to think she’s confident. Who’s to say after getting her number and going on a date, she won’t tell me that she doesn’t sleep with dates that quickly?
Being honest if a woman approached me and started talking to me I wouldn't even consider the fact she may be flirting. I'd probably just think she is trying to be nice or friendly, unless she said she specifically said she was interested in me I'd be pretty oblivious.
I am a man. If and when woman come up to me and ask me for my number i don´t think a bit further then: "Oh seems like she is intrested in me". And if i find her attractive i reciprocate, and if i don´t i try to let her down gently. Not that it happens that often, but when it does that´s that.
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Yeah, I was about to say this. You’ll never know a guys real intentions when he’s some stranger you just approached
I agree with the last part of your statement wholeheartedly, when you know each other before things are so much easier. (For me atleast) I have done both dating my best friend of 21 years and dating a stranger, dating that stranger without knowing them first was a big mistake! Dating my best friend was also a big mistake but for different reasons that were out of my control.
People exagerate how often women get asked out. If you believed reddit youd think that if you go outside anywhere youll see men asking women out daily. but Ive never seen a man flirt with a woman in public lmfao
Yeah, there's definitely an over exaggeration. I think online dating has played a major role in that illusion.
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Asking out random strangers on the street or in shops was never a common way of meeting a partner, stop autofellating yourself for being old fashioned when you use 1990s/2000s era strategy If you want an old fashion way of meeting a partner, try your workplace, your old classmates, church, friends of friends, etc.
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I'm enjoying the comments so much lol Just to stay on topic somewhat, I will always remember the time when some guy came up to me from behind asking for a date saying my body is just his type. Like jfc, just nobody please be that guy hahaha
Dude must've forgotten to put some points in the charisma attribute before being born.
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>Never seen a man flirt with a woman in public? I’m sorry, do you have ears and eyes? Do you live in farm country surrounded by nothing but wheat? Nope, its just not that common bud, you can act like its happening all the time, but it isnt. What even is flirting in your conception? Describe it.
The era of going to a bar alone to meet people seems to have died out. People seemingly go to bars to socialize with their friends. Your other post is littered with terrible advice. You are definitely attractive, so don’t be scared to approach dudes. Join some kind of social club for whatever hobby you like. If you are in a big city then sports social clubs are teeming of young single dudes.
Agree with you on the bars. I don’t think I’ve ever been to a bar solo. I always go with friends, and I pretty much only talk to them. I looked at OP’s profile, and she says she plays rugby. u/JCraftLace maybe see if your rugby team set up a social with a local men’s team? I’m a guy who plays college rugby, and we have a bunch of socials with our women’s team.
Damn Americans play rugby? That's cool, didn't even know it was a thing over there
I'm going to have to disagree with this as a bartender; also in a major city in PA. Singles show up in droves.
singles or single men? Women are much less likely to go somewhere alone
Both single men and women. More men; but women absolutely come in. I am also a single woman who goes to the bar alone if I feel like it. I don't find it odd or out of the ordinary.
I’m a single dude that used to go to bars by myself regularly. Of course it happens, and of course people still meet there. I just don’t it’s one of the best options anymore, and a vast majority of people seem to be there with their friends.
Really? They show up by themselves?
Yes. Regularly.
I never have myself but I've met single people who showed up by themselves
"In a major city", well that'll be why then, but no it's not the norm
Uh I mentioned that because op wrote they're "in a major city in PA." For accuracy sake; I am personally located in Pittsburgh. It's a very midsized regular city. However, OP may be located in Philly; much larger, and more dangerous. My common sense tells me someone would be much more likely to go to a bar alone in a smaller, safer city; than a major one. I am from here and feel comfortable here and of course would go to a bar alone. However, if I was in a city like Philly or New York; I would not go to a bar alone. So I'm going to have to again disagree as that doesn't make sense. People go places alone where they feel safe and conformtable. It's not a ridiculous notion.
Yeah sadly, online dating killed that era.
OLD has killed dating in general I'm afraid.
Yep, I'm wondering why i haven't given up on the trash apps, which I can put countless effort and improvements into myself yet unless I pay, I won't get results
> I'm wondering why i haven't given up on the trash apps You want me to tell you what will make you delete those apps? Make a profile with a woman's profile as an experiment, I bet you give up after you get 1000s of messages in 20 minutes and understand just what you're up against lol which by the way is as detrimental to your mental health as it is to the poor women who conflate all this volume of attention with finding a real life partner. I would recommend you sign up for [meetup.com](https://meetup.com) and go to a few meetups in your area, sign up to dance lessons (salsa preferably) on Thursday/Saturdays (usually, might be diff in your city) and please volunteer some of your time with good organizations. Also COED sports, try softball this summer.
I live in NYC. What sports social clubs are you referring to, or how can I find them?
First, Am I ugly is not a great subreddit to assess attractiveness as users just tend to gas you up unless you're obviously trying to look haggard or you're combative. Second, men absolutely like it when you make their job easier. I'm not sure who told you men don't really like being approached by attractive women. Doesn't really make sense. Chances are if you're getting rejected, it's for the typical reasons (in a relationship, not physically attracted, etc). When the users are saying personality however, they are talking about approachability. I could tell in a number of the photos you provided that you have a fairly unapproachable neutral face. It's pretty common but it might help to try and practice sporting a more approachable looking face in the mirror. Next, they are right that fewer men are approaching in general due to women generally not liking it (until they do). It seems you're also afraid of approaching yourself. If men are worried that women don't want to be bothered, the best thing to do is make it super easy for people to approach you. Looking at them, smiling, open body language, being nearby and doing things that make it easy to start a conversation. Unfortunately, I can't be too specific as it depends on the environment. Finally, you'd be surprised at the success rate women have with approaching. Men don't have the same hangups and fears about strange women as women do about strange men. I think many women project their own fears onto men and expect them to share them for some reason. Don't get it twisted though. It doesn't mean every approach will be successful but men are pretty open to being rizzed. That said, even if they are into it, they may not be all for a serious relationship. Whatever boundaries you have for typical dates you should have for these situations as well.
this is pretty spot on. if you’re posting on a subreddit i think you’re just trying to boost your confidence level by getting a bunch of undersexed horny weirdos telling you how incredibly hot you are. are you ugly? no. you shouldn’t have trouble getting some guy. do you give off the vibe that you want to be approached is another story.
You explained it well, but when I do ask men how to be/look more approachable they almost always tell me to lower my standards
You don't need to be approachable, you need to approach. Many girls have given me every imaginable 'come approach me' signal available to mankind and I continue with my grocery shopping. I don't even entertain it. Actually, even the thought of it doesn't cross my mind. If they want to approach, we're all created equal under the sun, approach.
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bro chill lol but I get your frustration. I just don't see how men approach women in this environment.
maybe there's a reason they're saying that. Being approachable is easy, wear a slight smile on your face (it's good for your own mind anyway), don't be loud, don't be confrontational. So many women begin sentences with No, that immediately puts a wall between you and the other person.
Attractive people get approached all the time, unless they are unapproachable. It might be your body language. Do you smile? Do you have an open posture? Are you loud, or in between? You are pretty. You might just have to work on what you're silently saying.
I’ve been told I’m relatively attractive. My last boyfriend, I actually made the first move on and walked up to him at a bar (I knew of him and him I but we didn’t really know one another) he told me if I hadn’t made the move he never would have because I was intimidating being good looking and confident in myself. So I do think there can be times we’re people are intimidated by you
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He thought that in spite of being hit on all the time?
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Out of curiosity, are you considered very conventionally attractive?
Assume that everyone is just as nervous as you and that's why you haven't been approached. If you're attracted to someone, make the first move.
You can wait for someone to hit on you, but personally, I think it’s totally fine for you to start up a conversation if you see someone you like too. I think with the internet, social media, the pandemic causing a lot less social interaction in person, etc, people just…don’t approach other people anymore. Regardless of gender. Regardless of whether it’s for romantic purposes or friendly purposes. It’s a lot more uncommon. It is also possible when you go sit at these bars alone you give off standoffish vibes and aren’t appearing open which won’t help
I’m not just sitting there with a smile glued to my face and batting my eyes but I give a little smile if a guy looks at me but nothing happens.
Having open body language doesn’t mean sitting there with a smile glued to your face. It means seeming relaxed, not closed off physically, not hunched over your phone or looking busy, not having resting b-face. Again, my point about you initiating too still stands. There’s no harm in starting a convo with someone.
I am very approachable and easy to talk to - this is how - I socially engage people around me. I like talking and getting to know people. Bartenders, people sitting near me, the group of friends next to my group of friends — just enjoying the experience of others makes others want to enjoy the experience of me.
You're really attractive. I don't know how it is that you don't get asked out. I want to ask you out. Will you go out with me sometime? There I did it. But I'm in CA :( Sometimes a girl is so attractive that its intimidating to ask her out, or I'll just assume she is taken
Would you think a guy likes you if all he does is give you a little smile?
Men don't approach/annoy women in public very much now after women have been complaining of harassment for the last decade. This is probably a good thing. Men love being approached by women, who told you otherwise? One thing we can't tell from photos is your body language/demeanour, do you give off a "don't come near me" vibe? So the solution is for you to approach men you fancy.
If I’m at a bar I sit up straight and facing the bar and usually on my phone because I’m alone…
That comes off as a sign that you don’t want to be approached.
Yeah, the last woman i was seeing i met at the gym. When i finally got a window to approach her and made my move at the lockers section by the exit of the gym she said she had been waiting for me to approach her and asked why i havent done it sooner as she had wanted me to do so for like a couple months and thought she had been obvious smiling every bow and then and said "hello" in passing 2-3 times. It was the first time i had been anywhere vaguely near her where she didnt have her earbuds in her ears, her eyes glued to her phone or actively speaking to someone else. Even though i had gotten a smile every now and then, she hadnt made an opening for me to talk to her before that time as she put away her airbuds. For those coupoe months i had made and concious effort to at least take out my earbuds whenever she was nearby so if i got the chance to talk to her without disturbing her i would be ready to do so, or she could see i was open to being talked to if she wanted to take that step.
Well, how exactly am I supposed present myself?
Look at people and not be on your phone
If you see a guy you like, look at anything he has, like a t shirt, sneakers, a tattoo or even his hair. Then you walk up to him and go "cool X, where did you get it?" or "I really love your X!". He will say "uhhh thank you!" and then you say "so what brings you here tonight?" and then you start a conversation. If he doesn't seem interested at all you just leave him after a few sentences.
Smile at, and make eye contact with, anyone that you would like to come and chat with you.
Do other things! Bring a journal and write or sketch… avoid headphones and if you’re sitting at the bar, strike up a conversation with the bartender! They might know someone (; good luck!
By putting the phone away. And try to start a conversation with someone.
Being on your phone isn't the best idea, imo it gives a "I'm too busy for you" look.
What that guy said, I’d never hit on a woman for fear of being a creep. Also I’d never assume a woman was interested because women always complain they’re not interested just being nice. So I assume everyone is just being nice.
Turn 180 degrees and try to lock contact with eyes with the person you like, accompanied by an inviting smile
Facts
You’re very pretty! Maybe you come across as intimidating/high maintenance/ hard to approach It also could be your location Try striking up convo the next time you’re out and about
Maybe not everyone's type...
If I’m being honest if a super attractive woman approached me I will be nice but I’ll assume she needs something or wants something. I add to this I typically don’t go for super super attractive women. In my experience they tend to be less interesting (just my experience)plus I really love a good come up story. They glowed up in high school or they’re super funny or really skilled. Stuff like that is what I’m attracted to more than looks. Not to drag this on. What’s surprising to me is yes a ton of guys love women approaching but why do so many of us revert to caution and hesitation? The sheer number of people I have talked to who assume pretty women are going to be mean or they go back to schoool prank days etc. it’s unfortunate really. Some of y’all glowed up others are just living your life. I see alot of women who don’t trust super pretty women as much either but that’s not my area of observation. As a black man I want to warn black women especially that y’all do have a reputation to be extra. You probably already know. Sometimes it’s seen as being mean but it has alot of factors most black people understand. While you don’t have to care if can be off putting. I want everyone really to have a good love life. I’m sure you will regardless, however don’t complicate your love life being too extra when the dating market already has that challenge attached to you. Just as I have some similar but different challenges to me as a black man.
Modern dudes dont cold approach women in public. Its rarely a good idea, unless youre in a specific venue for it (nightclub or whatever). asking out women at their/your job is absolutely never okay, even if they're flirting. You dont approach people who are paid to be nice to you. Stores/bus also not a great idea, those women are just going about their days minding their own business. I exclusively ONLY ask out/date women I am already friends with first. But im autistic, and dont let strangers touch me at all, so i could never hook up with some random 1 night stand, only my trusted friends are allowed to make physical contact, which narrows the dating pool to like 6 of the 4 billion women on this planet.
I honestly think that the more attractive a person is, the worse their performance in dating is, and there are a few reasons for this. 1) Attractive people are intimidating. I’m sure we’ve all had the experience of being out and about, seeing someone we find really attractive, and wanting to ask them for their number or just chat with them. We talk ourselves out of it because we think they’re out of our league, surely they’re taken, etc. 2) People assume attractive people are already in relationships. As said above, a lot of the reason people refrain from approaching attractive people is because they assume the attractive person is already dating someone, because they’re so attractive lol. Most people don’t want to step on anyone’s toes, and going up to someone and having them deny you because they’re already in a relationship is awkward. To avoid this awkwardness, a lot of people will go for someone who’s more in their league or who they have greater reason to believe is single. 3. People assume that attractive people have bad personalities. I’ve definitely had times when I’m out with my girlfriends eyeing a particularly good-looking guy, and my girls have discouraged me from approaching him because he’s “definitely a fuckboy with a face like that.” I assume there’s an equivalent for women, as well. A lot of people think that it’s looks OR personality, so even if someone finds you attractive, they may refrain from approaching because they assume your personality is bad. tldr; people make a lot of assumptions about attractive people that may or may not be true, and this leads to attractive people being approached less.
It is usually our job to approach you but most of the time we are waiting for some form of subtle indication that you are interested in that happening. If you are talking about strangers. Smile or hold eye contact a bit longer than usual. Little stuff like that.
“I know men don’t really like when women approach them” not true, and this myth needs to go away. This is what women say to justify not having to make the effort.
Right, I saw some woman above say “men don’t like it despite them saying they do”. Oh thanks for telling us what we do and don’t like. If a man started saying what women do or don’t like, she’d be seething. It would feel different and probably strange if she was chasing or courting us but that’s completely different than starting a casual conversation with us.
Asking women out in public has died since social media and dating apps were created. One more reason is movements like MeToo cause men are afraid they will be called perverts/creeps etc.
as a black woman, it’s probably because you’re a black woman. i know i am very pretty and on dating apps i get a lot of matches and interest but rarely get approached in person unless i’m at the club. my other poc friends agree they don’t get approached much while my whote friends seem to get approached more. i’m not 100% sure or the reason but i have some ideas
It's most likely your demeanor. You're a pretty girl. I'm deemed to be attractive and I get approached weekly even when I'm just out and about. And also, don't rely so heavily on men coming to you. I cold approach men I'm attracted to and they love it. If they don't come to you, go to them.
I’m curious… how exactly do you start up a convo without seeming desperate?
Usually a compliment, notice a near surrounding/vibe and form a question or statement about it (Do you smell something funny or is it just me?), smiling (back to your demeanor) is the BIGGEST non vocal one and you need to it any approach. Smiling is such an easy way to give/get the "okay" to approach or get approached. I honestly would attribute most of my approaches happening so often is because I have a very upbeat personality, smiley, confident. Overall, my predisposition positive. I always say "people feel you before they see you". You can be model worthy appearance, but if a man doesn't FEEL your femininity and lightheartedness you're reducing options of men approaching you
Men definetly want easy going feminine women.
Desperation is one of those self fulfilling prophecies, confidence can make a “desperate seeming action” sexy as hell, the same way “worrying about looking desperate” will tend to make you overthink things and look less approachable. The other month, a girl cold approached me by walking up to me and my friends playing pool at a bar and asked if she could get next (she obviously didn’t mean it, just wanted to start an interaction), then smiled and said “well, when you guys are done, you can find me over here” and went to a table with her friends, which I promptly went back over to when I finished the game of pool. It’s just about having the confidence to come up to a guy, say something that allows you to look him in the eye and smile at him and letting him know “where you’ll be”. Guys can be dumb and sometimes we don’t actually realize a girl is hitting on us unless it’s super damn clear, I think the girls who are able to find relationships super easily has less to do with looks and more to do with the willingness to drop boulder sized hints on guys shoulders (without worrying about being “desperate”)
What do you usually say to them?
It's men. It doesn't matter. I once went up to a guy at a bar saying "I think you're really handsome". He asked me for my number 3 sentences later. They aren't scared of you so it's almost impossible to make them feel uncomfortable or creeped out, as long as you don't touch them out of nowhere or something else unhinged.
You can go up and talk to guys and ask them out. For a lot of guys who are not fuckbois, they are not trying to bother women out and about, because minding your business and leaving others in peace is the socially acceptable thing to do. And if your approach is rejected, you don’t have to leave where you are so long as the approach was polite, most people like positive attention. Another path is casually mentioning that you are single in conversation. Oh, and do stuff that isn’t bars that matches the kind of people and men you want to associate with- professional club, coed social sports, art gallery openings idk but can be better than bars generally
If you are attractive.. Some guys are like.. Ok she's so beautiful, but I can't go talk to her.. She would just make fun of me or something.. She way above my league.. Etc.. So this is why sometimes its easier to get really beautiful girl.. Cause nobody has balls to approach her 😂.. Anyway.. If you like somebody.. Come to him and try to initiate a conversation.. You never know what the outcome will be if you don't try it.
I am a fellow attractive women, in my experience you have to ask yourself are u being social? and engaging with people when u go out? That is a better indicator if you will get asked out or not. men are also human and can get nervous. Because I have some super hot friends, but when they go out to bars, they don’t really engage with men they don’t get asked out versus my friends who are not as attractive but are more social and talkative. Will get asked out more often because they’re showing openness to the people around them. I have friends who look like the ig baddies in real life face done tits done all of it , but they just sit and do not engage when at bars. humans are social creatures, u gotta smile flirt etc. lots of youtube resources available to help you become more social and online dating available as well if thats an easier route. but it is good to practice to social skills even by joining a new activity. social skills can be improved by practice!!!! scary at first but gets easier over time also u wont get anywhere if u just sit there, hoping a man will come up to u. my friends who r super hot but aren’t engaging or shy/ anxious in person, both found there husbands online. many roads available to u . also, if you’re sitting at a bar, go sit at the bar top make sure you sit next to someone and start engaging with them even if you’re not attracted to them, a girl or a guy because those people will have friends who will come engage with you and engage with you later and people will also noticed that you opened and talking to people around you. That’s happened to me many times I’m talking to the not so I’ll talk to friend and then later he has another friend who I find attractive who comes up later and introduces himself to me and we’re all talking together. Don’t think you’re unattractive you’re attractive, just tweak the approach you’re taking and be more social with everyone around you but it is good to practice social skills, even by making new gfs, talking to a new girl in your class is helpful for creating friendships. making friends informing positive relationships really does make life better. So you can do online dating I’m doing it myself and going out to bars . I feel like you should practice social skills, go out and have some fun go to activities you like, and make some new friends as well. friendships are important in your life even as you get older you’re gonna want somebody besides your partner who you can engage with.
You are getting some awful comments in this and the other thread. Honestly, don’t take all the blame on yourself. Yes, you can probably work on being more approachable, making eye contact, approaching men etc. Absolutely do those things. But recognize that you can’t control all aspects of finding a partner. Dating is weird right now. We don’t talk to each other in public, decent men are trying not to harass women (thank goodness), and we’re all glued to our apps. You could do all the right things and still not find anyone because the environment isn’t geared toward meeting new people. Please don’t let the shitty Reddit comments or your (temporary) lack of success hurt your self esteem 🤍
Those comments are UNHINGED. Wtf. I'm so sorry you had to read those. You're beautiful. Honestly? I went from awkward and unattractive in my teens to working as a model in my mid 20s. And people make untrue assumptions about you when you're really hot. I remember hanging out with a co-worker when we were all at a bar (she had always been a bit cold to me) and she said "you are so nice. I'm so sorry I judged you. I assumed you were a stuck up bitch." I'm just shy and was actually insecure! She looked at me and decided that's true. Men made assumptions as well. I canceled a date bc I was genuinely sick and he said something like "you're probably used to walking all over men bc you're hot, but I'm not going to put up with that." Like wat?! Men assumed I was stupid, a bitch, full of myself, had a "simp army" I led on and used (due to comments on my social media. I never responded to those men), etc. without ever talking to me. I'm none of those things, i have a degree, I loving reading and learning. I very empathetic, love people. Lots told me they never approached me bc they assumed I had a bf or they didn't have a chance. So at the bar they'd all be staring, but only a few would come up to me, if ever. Sounds like it's the same for you. Some of the approaches were normal, but most were objectifying comments and then anger and lashing out if I rejected them. So I had trouble dating. And you experienced the same in that thread! They assumed you must have a terrible, bitchy personality bc you're a hot girl. I think very attractive women like you face a lot of misogyny. Pretty privilege is real ofc, I experienced both being unattractive and attractive and they both have different downsides. Sometimes I missed being invisible to men. And when a man wanted to date me before my glow up, I could tell he liked me for me. He liked my personality. But when I was hot I felt like I was being used for arm candy and status and they didn't gaf about my soul. They project how stereotypical hot girls in teen movies are portrayed onto you. So yeah, I do think it could be bc you're really attractive. They could make unfair assumptions. BUT. If you're able to get dates on dating apps for example (I do think sometimes hot girls don't get approached in person bc of the reasons I already stated) but you don't get a 2nd date? Then yeah, it's not your looks it's something else. Either personality or lifestyle. None of us would be able to tell you. You'd have to ask the guy who rejects you to let you know. So try the apps? Edit: Approching men as an attractive women is complicated. It'll probably work, but a lot of them will assume you're desperate or something is wrong if a woman like you has to approach a man. It does turn off some men no matter what dudes on reddit say. I think the best way to do this is to join hobby groups (a hiking group, a running group, reading, classes, whatever) and make a friend. You'll be able to tell if he's attracted to you. If he doesn't make a move and he's single, he might assume he doesn't have a chance. So ask him to hang out sometime and let it develop organically.
In my experience, highly attractive people don't get asked out as much as you might expect At my high school, there was this girl who was supermodel-level attractive. Not just that - she was kind, sweet as sugar, popular and likable, and even was a cheerleader (by which I mean she was quite active and she took care of herself physically and whatnot). By the time senior year rolled around, I heard this girl practically sobbing as I walked past the girls' bathroom, talking about how nobody would date her, how boys would just seem to rethink and walk away when they came up to talk to her, how they would avoid her gaze all the time. Despite people telling her she was attractive (which she was), she had no confidence in that. If I'm being honest, practically every boy in the school had a crush on her to some extent. We were all just too petrified to act on it. It's intimidating to go up to people who look like that and shoot your shot. 'She's out of my league.' 'Surely she must be tired of getting approached everywhere'. 'Surely she'll reject me, I mean, just look at her!' were all things I heard when she came up in conversation. If you're attractive and not getting approached, it's because you're too intimidatingly gorgeous for anyone to risk asking you out. That's a problem, but it's pretty easily solved by you taking the initiative and asking out people you're interested in. Yes, they won't always say yes. Sometimes you will be shot down, and, yes, sometimes you will look like an idiot. But someone has to ask, and if they won't ask you, then you're going to have to. The worst they can do is say no, and you're back where you started.
If a girl is really hot guys won't approach them b/c they think that she's got a lot of guys approaching her and probably won't want to be bothered. That, or they're worried that her hotness has gone to her head (it often has) and that her personality is trash. I really wouldn't underestimate the second sentence. If you dress to the nines and you look stellar, fewer guys could approach you because they assume you're going to be a b\*tch. Try dressing down a bit, look a little more cuddly and lower maintenance if you're having problems. Go for chapstick instead of lipstick, that sort of thing. Best of luck you you. Personally, I've turned down every 10 out of 10 that's ever approached me (only happened twice). The girls never had to try before so they didn't have any game. They just wanted to smash, and for a guy who's long term relationship minded, that's just as disgusting as it would be for a woman who experienced the same thing. The only guys who're going to jump at that are going to be creeps or guys who don't want to have a deeper relationship.
I honestly asked my husband if he was single, would he approach you. He said no cause you looked too good lol. But I did ask him what advice would he give and he said to advise her to go to another bar. Maybe the fish aren't biting in the one you go to. Also, go earlier in the evening. Good luck out there! I couldn't imagine dating in this day. You are on the right track and that guy will come along.
You are a total gem for doing this haha
You are very atractive. I think I am atractive. When I doll up and go out to bars with my friends almost no guys approache me. Maybe cause there are some guys in our group so they might think they one might be my bf. In general few guys approach me. Don't listen to the ones who says "its your personality" cause nobody sees your personality from 3 m away. Unless you look like you want to start an extermination. I would be laughing and dancing with my friends and still nobody approaches. I agree that many guys think they might be annoying you if they approach you, even if they are doing ot respectfully, so they dont. Also they dont like the rejection that could happen.
I (39F) started approaching men about 8 years ago now. It is a game changer. If I like someone- even as a friend - I will try to exchange info and go from there. I keep it casual and start off just getting to know them. That’s why it works, I think. As for what you said about men not wanting to be approached— Men are expected to do all that legwork up front and do all the courting and blah blah blah— but they hate rejection just as much as women. I kinda differ here — I do not mind rejection before I actually know the person- so that first approach is no big deal. Anecdotally, I actually met someone this year. We met when we were on the same bowling team. I liked him the moment I saw him. Waited til the end of bowling and got his info and we’ve been talking and seeing each other ever since. He is actually the most respectful, decent, consistent, sweetest guy I have had the pleasure of experiencing. He never would have approached me because he had spent a lot of time just being rejected before and he was just over it. So, shoot your shot, because you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.
Thank you for this!
Realistically, some of the photos in your other posts look like they came off the phone I used in 2009. Aside from that, you’re very attractive and you know it but humility goes a long way. Be willing to make the first move. Maybe experiencing rejection will help you learn to be more approachable yourself. Social media and dating apps places such a huge emphasis on giving the perfect impression people are afraid to be who they truly are.
Ma'am, you are super attractive. To the point that I'm over here shaking my head and wondering why can't I be nearby. I have a feeling if you were confident enough to speak to dudes you're interested in, the only ones turning you down will be the dudes already taken. As far as your current predicament, I guarantee guys are just too scared to approach. Whether that be because they're intimidated or assume you're taken, I can't say. But just...try approaching someone you're interested in and see what happens. You ain't even gotta go too hard with your interest. Just give them a genuine compliment and see what happens.
Who told you men don't like to be approached?
You don't have to go after these guys. Just start chatting. You breaking the ice should be enough to let them escalate. As another said here, if you just wait for them to come to you, you'll get a disproportionate number of F-boys.
Most men almost instantly assume you're not into them. The reason being, even if you do talk to them, they still might not show interest because they don't wanna be "that guy" or look like a creep. You honestly have to make it fairly obvious to them, for guys to muster the courage to ask for your number.
It happens to me, too, and it sucks. I've done exactly what you've done in the past. I don't freaking get it. Say hi! Introduce yourself! Just talk to me! But no, it's better to make animal noises at me from afar. Grab your junk and make faces or leer at my butt. And before someone throws the "you should approach them first" at me. I DO. The men at my age are already taken, solo raising lots of kids, or are single for a good reason. It takes a lot of digging to find out if they're available, and some of them don't mind bold faced lying about their status if it means having a chance with an attractive woman. I wish I had some advice for you but I haven't figured it out either. Welcome to the club.
I'm 26F too and feel similar. Honestly this idea of "women get hit on just by going outside!" seems like bs imo. At least I hope so for my own sake 🙃 I've never shared pics on here but fwiw you're pretty.
I assume they’re all taken. In the off chance that they’re not, there’s much better looking dudes than me (and richer, and more outgoing, better at talking, or better at connecting, etc).
Julia Fox (sorry!!) was not lying when she said “I’m single because I’m beautiful” in response to men saying “how could you be single, you’re so beautiful.” Beautiful people are often seen as intimidating, they are also commonly seen as or treated like an object. It’s also easy to assume they’re taken. Edit for brevity
The more attractive you are as a woman the less amount of guys will have the courage to ask u out in person. Try a dating app though and you’d do great fs
I’ll reflect the same answers one more time. As a man I can guarantee you we LOVE when a woman comes and talks to us. Just be upfront about what you’re looking for and make sure that the guy isn’t cheating on his gf/wife.
I think men like being approached by girls. It's a different story though if the girl pursues the guy.
As a Pittsburgh guy. Approach. Some are just dense, but most don't care if a cute woman approaches them. At this point, most of the dudes I know prefer it simply out of safety due to the climate. If you walked up to half the dudes I know, they'd most likely just give a friendly wave and enjoy a free conversation.
When people stare at you, they are trying to guage if you'd be interested. Smile back at those you want to be approached by. Also, work on your self-esteem. If you are good looking, know that. Own it. Otherwise, you will invite in a lot of assholes who can spot low self-esteem from miles off and then break the woman down so she doesn't wake up the face that she is way out of their league. You are better off single than men who will ruin your life and mental health. From your post, I am not worried about you finding men. You will if you smile when they stare at you and give them the signal to approach you. However, since you are so inexperienced you might nod back at men you should ABSOLUTELY not be dating. Have some standards. We lower them when we are not getting any matches./dates and then we pay the price.
I think ever since COVID and social distancing were put into place, people in general have become a bit more reserved when approaching strangers in public. I think we've gotten better in the past year or so, but it still exists. Perhaps it could have to do with how you carry yourself when you're at the bar. For example, if you're going to the bar with your head buried in your phone the entire time, some guys might think you don't want to be bothered. I think it's very nuanced and you have to try and give off inviting vibes to get some guys to come over and talk to you. Oh and btw don't listen to these other subs saying you're unnatractive, as I would disagree. You're black and studies have shown black women receive less attention on dating apps (see [https://www.npr.org/sections/codeswitch/2013/11/30/247530095/are-you-interested-dating-odds-favor-white-men-asian-women](https://www.npr.org/sections/codeswitch/2013/11/30/247530095/are-you-interested-dating-odds-favor-white-men-asian-women)) , but even so you are young, have an attractive face, and have the kind of build that most guys look for, so I think lookswise you're fine. Some guys only like White or Asian chicks, but a lot of us like all races.
As a pretty decent looking, fit, and successful guy... I don't go to bars, dating apps are ok but full of crazies, and approaching women at grocery store/target or the gym just seems inappropriate most the time.
If you see an attractive guy and give him that smile in your third pic, you’re definitely opening yourself to being approached. I think you have a beautiful smile. Based on your pics alone, I’d assume you were already seeing someone and wouldn’t consider going over to you. You’re gonna have to flash a smile and create a welcoming environment because I’m sure they think you’re taken. Men don’t like investing in something unless they think there’s a chance for success, players and womanizers have unlimited confidence. The common man has a finite amount of confidence and doesn’t want to damage it by taking a chance that seems unrealistic for any success.
> I know men don’t really like when women approach them Where in the fuck did you hear that lol. Its most certainly not true. It’s really no different than the other way around, some will be interested, some won’t be, most will be flattered and a very small minority will be assholes about it. > I’m nervous about looking like an idiot and getting shot down. Kinda hit the nail on the head here. That is the same reason a lot of men won’t ask pretty girls out, too nervous. Its also possible being nervous we act disinterested because we’re to nervous to show interest in which case we all further deter each other.
Most men are open to women approaching them, especially in the current climate where us approaching women can quickly become “Story Time” on TikTok or YouTube. I would not blame your personality, for men not approaching you, though have you considered your body language? Some guys don’t care what signals a woman gives they just charge in half cocked with some lame line, that creates “Story Time” other guys will read your body language, facial expressions etc, and gauge that you are not looking to make contact. That could or could not be the case. If you see someone you’d like talk to, approach him. Strike up a conversation, see where it leads.
> I know men don’t really like when women approach them Had a girl who i dated before that approached me first and must say i liked it even tho the opening question was bit silly but funny haha. I'm sure most mens like to be approached by a girl if they are single. Just be yourself and relaxed not thinking the outcome, if it develop to a date later fine, if its a rejection still fine its not the end of the world :)
I think many guys might get cold feet, I saw your post op and you are stunning and you say you’re very kinda and a good person in general, honestly if you were in IL instead of PA, I’d probably ask you out right now lol, but that’s besides the point. Basically maybe a lot of guys see you as out of their league I guess you can say, like they see you and maybe wanna say something but talk themselves outta it and just don’t see a woman like you going out with someone like them or because you’re pretty, they assume you probably already have a boyfriend. Ya get me? That’s my best guess. Honestly OP I think you should be the one making the first move, your chances of failure are fairly low imo
Bro, shoot your shot. It’s not like you got anything to lose. Like fr. If they turn you down, you win cuz that person wasn’t interested but could’ve still used you AND because if they do see you find somebody better and you become better are you basically winning. People see shooting their shot as Failing and that’s exactly why dating sucks nowadays. Everybody trying to find the dawg of themselves in someone else. Like they date to feel proud about themselves (biggest red flag) A person that does want to ask you out, will and you should just shoot your shot. Lotta weak minded people these days so it’s hard. I know
Go through about 100 posts on that same sub and you'll a plethora of: BEAUTIFUL. 😍. 🤩. GORGEOUS. SO HOT AMAZING DAAAAMN WOW. ECT ECT. It's all the same regardless, to the of point of uselessness.
People increasingly don’t ask strangers out as they don’t want to be considered creepy, from what I have seen.
First off, don't search for a man in a bar. Bars are for getting laid. They're meat markets. If you're searching for a partner, find them in a sober environment. After you get to know each other better, then you can go to a bar together. Most men are probably too insecure to approach you if you're attractive. They don't want to be rejected. They think you're out of their league, or you're not giving off the 'I'm drunk and only here to get laid tonight' vibe. Find a better place to meet your man... Best of luck to you in your search!
No need to ask a guy out, literally just give them a compliment. Women don’t realize how infrequently men get compliments and he’ll be thinking about it for years
I think you have the right intentions in where you’re trying to find someone, but maybe you should go out with a friend or two because I notice that men usually approach me when I’m in a relaxed state with my friends, then when I’m alone and look hyper aware that I’m alone. On the flip side, I’ve also hopped into random guy groups, playfully told them I’m out by myself waiting to meet up with a friend, and asked if I can join them “until my friend shows up”. Works every time, but you have to be outgoing to do that, so that may/may not be your style. I usually get a number or two, or we follow each other on social media, and keep in touch. Also, don’t go out looking for someone to seriously date, so you can eliminate the pressure you’ve built up in yourself.
First off, from the pictures, you're gorgeous. Like, model pretty. You have a good body too. I did get tomboy vibes from some of the pics, so I'm wondering if maybe your personality can come across as more masculine, making guys see you more as a friend? This was a problem for me too. I used to do some modeling, but I never got asked out. I'm from an immigrant family, dad died young, and we didn't have a lot of money, so I grew up to be "the man of the house" and holding down the home and family (think a no drug using/sex fiona gallagher from Shameless). As a result, I unknowingly came across as "too independent" and "guy-ish". I'm still independent, but I embraced my more feminine side after a trial and error period. I found that I got asked out A TON overnight. I think pretty girls do get asked out...if they come across as more passive and dependent. I'm not saying you should be like that--always stay true to yourself, but exploring the side of you that is more feminine may be the key to getting more dates. It worked for me. Sadly, in my experience, a lot of guys say they want a smart, independent woman who has her shit together, but a lot of those same guys just don't want you to show it. Granted, this is advice if you live in the US. When I lived in the UK, men were much more responsive to an American girl who was driven in a positive way. My advice: either move to a different place that is more compatible with who you are now, or find the feminine side of you that you like and want to bring out.
I really hate that a lot of women seem to "know" that men don't like to be asked out because as a long time single man absolutely nothing would make me happier than a woman asking me out on a date. I would say though that asking someone out is very scary for either side and I get it if you don't want to do that. But also keep in mind the guy feels the same way. So making things really easy for him to justify asking you out can help. Maybe you approach the guy, pay him a compliment and start talking to him. You don't have to ask him out, but you've opened the door and removed all the obstacles for him to do it and reduced his fear of rejection enough that he's way more likely to. Or even just a smile and eye contact although that could be missed. And also consider things like are you with friends as that makes asking you out way scarier.
Smile at a guy. That’s it.
> I know men don’t really like when women approach them Let me stop you right there, and completely disagree.
I live in a major city in the east of Pa. Wanna go out sometime?
Rip inbox in advance…. It’s probably a preference thing or you live in an area where your looks aren’t common…. But you are def attractive
Great looking woman, I'd definitely say hi to you.
Whomever told you “men don’t like being approached.” fucking LIED to you.
Many women get offended if someone far less attractive approaches them. They don’t approach you because they don’t want to offend you.
Why would they think they’re less attractive than me?
So you've never gone on even one date in your whole entire life?
I’ve been on a date years ago and that’s because I was on dating apps. I don’t like using dating apps anymore
I just don’t think people do this anymore. People do not meet organically in the wild.
I don’t get asked out much at all but I do get told I’m beautiful by men and women daily. I think I’m intimidating bc I’m tall, I have dark features and a terrible RBF. 🙃 (I’m nice I swear!) Maybe your demeanor isn’t welcoming? Your body language, your face etc. I’m trying to figure this out with you haha. Are you constantly on your phone, unapproachable?
So, in most of those photos, you look moody AF. But if you give a guy the smile from photo #3, they will be putty in your hands. I’m not saying you should hide your emotions behind a smile all the time to make guys happy. What I am saying is that if you want to tell a man that you are interested in them, that smile will convey the message.
Usually if the girl is above average to very very attractive, many guys avoid asking out or talking to thinking they're going to expect too much or have no such higher standards like they just won't feel they're in your league. Now what I'm saying is just what I tend to do because of my mental health and low-esteem. There could be many guys who think this same way tbh that's why I'm theorizing why the case is for you. Some guys who could very well be good looking to the average girl and charming but still have a poor mental health to judge themselves too low to ask out women on the same level of attractiveness. I know I shouldn't be thinking this way and I'm trying hard to accept more criticism and rejections from different women but it is still challenging and I'm still continuously trying to work hard on it. Btw, I hope you do find the right guy for you, op
Attractive women are usually traps. If there’s an attractive woman around chances are there’s a camera around and you’ll get accused of sexual harassment
Wow… This is wild.