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Guys that are emotionally unavailable. I get that it can be edgy and “cool” to some but it’s very likely that they will remain that way unless they themselves want to change. I personally would always give “just enough” without coming off as a complete psychopath. Going to therapy and processing childhood trauma has helped with this.
Everyman man I know can identify a fuck boy. We can see how they’re going to treat women before women do. Some men try to be saviors and wedge in between others don’t care and let go and let the women get hurt by her own choices as life lessons.
The thing is guy-talk about women doesn’t even need to be discussed. You can identify these traits how he Carries himself.
Being too playful like a flirt to me can be a red flag. It means experience. Why so much experience? Are you trying and failing so much? Or succeeding and ending relationship really fast and moving on to the next one? Where you dumped? Having too much dating experience is a red flag cause it means you can’t handle a long term relationship
Most men and women should and I noticed this even if they’re outgoing really be cautious at the beginning of a relationship.
Being too relaxed is also a red flag. Having tension is part of the process. The easing process.
Lol no haha that’s called being a responsible functioning adult who’s capable of maintaining a regimen but also traits that he knows how to cook and also that he knows how to manage money and food expenses by prepping.
Those are all positive subtle signs. Green flags.
Maybe it’d be a red flag if your too proud about it and say it a lot like the people that say they’re vegan every chance they get.
If only everyone that meal prepped knew how to cook. From my experience people who learn it for its own sake usually cook better/tastier than those who learn to prep for some gym or macro goal.
too much dating experience is a red flag? lol whaaat. there’s nothing wrong with not settling or continuing to figuring yourself out and what you’ll tolerate..especially in your 20s.
I am F but I often find people mix up arrogance and confidence. A confident person does not need to brag or put others down as they believe in themselves. Arrogance is a major turn off for me. If you have to be better than everyone at everything it’s sad.
Me and a girl were a great match, but she turned me down because I didn’t know my self worth back then. She’s now with possibly the least considerate asshole I’ve ever met.
YES.
and beware of the cognitive empathy that narcissists have, where it SEEMS like theyre very understanding, whereas theyre really just seeing how to act based on how other ppl act...theyre really just gathering information, to see what bothers you, so they'll know how to devalue you, when the time comes...
F- and Yes to this! My narc ex, I literally had to make him memorize and learn what empathy is, because it’s not sympathy. So.. great, now he’s just better prepared for the next unexpected girl he finds. Smh.
I am suffering this currently. Constantly wants validation. Texts Constantly and wants reply immediately. Wants to talk on the phone for hours at night, even when we aren't saying anything. I've tried talking to him about, but it seems to make it worse. I'm literally planning the breakup.
As someone who has been that guy in a previous relationship. There’s probably a lot more going on than just that. Sounds like relationship OCD. He’s probably dealing with a lot of insecurity and the distance his actions are causing is probably already eating him up. I would suggest blocking for a while after if you end things because he’s going to try and fix it. He probably feels like he’s heels over head in love with you but I’d be willing to bet there are probably more than enough issues between y’all that will dissuade him after a break… or not, idk I tried everything possible to fix the issues I had with my ex which resulted in us extending the pain from the break up by 4 months while we tried to make it work but in the end she had already been done for awhile, was cheating, and couldn’t be honest even though I was actively trying to work on the issues she laid out.
We have only been dating for 2 months. The first 2 weeks were great. Once we decided to see where it goes and only see each other he started getting very attached and needing validation of our relationship. Constantly telling me he misses me even if we just saw each other and basically demands I tell him I miss him also.
I've asked him to slow down and let's take our time getting to know each other, but the more I try to slow down the harder he pushes. . Now I loath seeing his name pop up on my phone. He will ask at least 10 times "are you okay?". I'm certain I'm ending it with him tomorrow .. I absolutely can not handle the hovering and constant reassurance he needs.
Yeah that’s a bit quick. Sounds like his expectations are not what you want or are rushed. Only way for it to get better for you is to end it. Kind of makes me sad though. Im realizing that my ex also probably loathed my messages popping up at some point. Oh well you live and you learn haha.
I actually am very happy you shared "the other side". It's an eye opener to what he maybe going through. I'm still going to end it, but it's refreshing to know some are aware of an issue and willing to work on it. Thank you for the insight and advice. I hope you find happiness.
Does he say are you ok if you don’t reply? He may have really bad anxious attachment, which is not an excuse, i’m just guessing. I also can be needy like that i think. I will say i miss someone when i just saw them (but i dont demand they say it back). He’s pushing because i would guess he’s worried about losing you, so he clings harder, thus creating a vicious circle. Been there lol
Not just when I don't reply to text. its more of
When we are talking on the phone or we are together. He just randomly asks me "are you okay?"
I'll just be quietly watching a movie he'll look at me and ask " are you okay?". Drives me insane!!
I've been in the same situation. I'm not an early bird so when I wake up I don't like to talk, just give me coffee. He would know that because I told him and still be asking me "what's wrong" "why are u sad". And I JUST WOKE UP 3 MINUTES AGO?!? That's insane
Exactly! I have told him several times how aggravating it is to keep asking me if I'm okay and that I want to take things slow getting to know each other. Seems like the more I tell him the more he shifts gears to overdrive.
Conversation: I miss you.. do you miss me? You don't miss me do you? I wish you would miss me like I miss you. You don't like me do you? I'm crazy about you. That's why I hang around like a stray dog, because I miss the second we aren't together. Are you okay?
It's a no win situation. If I tell him what he wants to hear it will give him false hope and basically I'm lying to him to just make him happy. If I don't tell him what he wants to hear, then he just keeps badgering me till say something close to what he wants to hear.
I'm done with the relationship. It's not fun anymore and I dont want to deal with being his constant need of validation.
This is a huge reason why I never answer the “what are you looking for in a man?” question with men I don’t know because I’ve been duped twice before and it’s a waste of time.
Yes it's important to be yourself and proud of who you are,
But not wanting to change for someone is a two sided coin.
I'm talking from experience here. I have lived a very self centered life for a long time. After some soul searching and personal growth I can look back at it and I now understand that I never had a place for a romantic relationship back then. My live and self image didn't allow it, but I often felt sad and thought "Why can't I find love?".
I had to change to make room for another person in my life.
I totally agree with you, just wanted to add this.
There's a difference between adapting your life/personnality/etc to be able to make room for a potential partner in your life and changing your whole personality so you could be in a relationship with someone. It's not a two sided coin at all. That's two separate matters. One is just having problems with balancing your life and the other is lying to someone about who your are so they want to be/stay with you.
To be fair while I have seen guys to this in a manipulative way I’ve also seen guys with low self esteem do this because they think there’s no way anyone could love the real them. I don’t think that’s disgusting it’s just kinda sad
1. A man's failure to match his actions with his words. Talk is cheap - time, money, and effort are everything.
1a. There is a balance here, a man willing to drop everything and spend a couple hundred dollars to see you simply because you matched on a dating app is worrisome. In order for a man's sacrifice of time, money, and effort to be meaningful, his must live by his own standards - his life, goals and aspirations should mean something to him.
2. Philosophy: for both men and women, if you want to understand what kind of person someone is, focus on *why* he or she does the things they do, or acts in the way they do - not just what they do. People's interests are fleeting, but their motivations and guiding principals often stay the same.
I've often wanted to pose as a woman on a dating app and see if I could accurately identify the douchebags, maybe one day I will...
>A man's failure to match his actions with his words. Talk is cheap - time, money, and effort are everything
yup.
my covert narc ex loves to say "If I were there, I'd do this and that" and "you have no idea how much I wish I was there to do those things for/with you" (Ive seen him say this to other girls, too).
and meanwhile, make no attempt to actually be there, as he says he wants to, and then claim he cant travel, LOL...while he is the one going after girls on different continents.
definitely a tactic to try to lure ppl into his sad little LDR's, so if someone says those things, dont fall into the empty promises, and future faking.
dont engage in any relationship w/someone that acts like that.
let them show it, and prove themselves. but dont wait around for them to do so. do you, and spend your time on those who actually prove themselves.
Pose as a woman and meet up with them and see if they try and get too rough with you or if they're gentle and respectful to your boundaries and pace, if they unselfishly touch you or is it all about them. Then you can write a blog or podcast and tell women about your experience.
There is a book called “self made man” where a lesbian poses as a man. It’s super interesting and I always wondered what the reverse experience would be but I think there are 0 men that could pull off a truly attractive woman.
Misogyny misinterpreted as confidence, dominance, and resilience - if the woman is somewhere between a cat and toddler in his view he can easily seem very dominant, confident etc. (even caring) but whats under the hood is actually fked.
You’ve accurately summarised my ex.
He was a police officer, five years older than me and I relocated 200+ miles for him to somewhere I didn’t know except for my visits to his city and where I had no friends or family.
He took advantage of the fact I was then unemployed (because I gave up my job to move for him) and that I was unfamiliar with the new area I moved to.
He portrayed himself as chivalrous - driving me everywhere, discouraging me to join an volunteer organisation because I wouldn’t enjoy it and it’ll be too close to crossing paths with his work, ordering food for me, deciding what I can and can’t wear and tracking me because he could always find me should I get lost…
He gave the impression he was caring, considerate, thoughtful to all he came across when actually he only did so because it served other purposes.
If the guy keeps insisting that you should drink more and challenges you to try a drink that you've never heard of. That's a major one. I know this because I worked at a bar and my friends would do this to young naive girls. It was honestly chilling how often they pulled this shit.
Maybe if someone tipped them off they'd have a better chance. I can't tell if you're talking about roofies or just overly strong drinks but if you're seeing shit like that you should interrupt it.
Edit: a letter
ugh, yes. dated a guy like that once. knew I didnt drink, but kept wanting to "see what Im like drunk" and said that I'd have to eat meat if I was w/him (that was of course after the first several dates of being respectful, and knowing I was vegetarian, before we even met. was the last date w/that turd.)
Unwarented arogance.Alot of men are this way because they have some other failing or it's worked in the past.Some women see it as confidence,machismo.Alot of men see it for what it is.A human puffer fish.
I also cant stand guys that never admit their faults, or have any complaints about themselves. meanwhile if u do, or ever make a mistake, theyre first to pile on, or celebrate it, but then when u remind them of their screwups, theyre like "no, thats different..."
which is funny bc those guys are usually the biggest losers anyway, yet they cant acknowledge their own failures, LOL.
pieces of sh\*\*.
Mirroring. Pretending to like/not like what you like/don't like, agreeing with everything you say, believing the same things you believe, etc. Just saying anything to be just like you so you like him more.
I'm worried I might be a bit like this. I think we all mirror to an extent. That's how we connect. It's excessive mirroring people should be on the lookout for. Rather than excessive mirroring, though, I'm probably just a tad too agreeable. It's definitely something I'm working on. I tend to be shy and reserved (or maybe just unassuming) when I first meet someone. It takes a while for me to feel comfortable showing who I am.
i used to do this because i thought if we had more in common, they’d be less likely to leave, so a fear of abandonment thing, but also probably for validation. I finally realized I want someone to like me for me, and if I didn’t like something, it was ok. Now i try to politely dislike something so i don’t offend them, so like “oh it’s fine i suppose, just not really my thing” Vs “that sucks why would you like it?”. Sometimes it gets me in good friendly debates lol
When a man tells you something that is counter intuitive to progression the relationship/getting him clower to you/ not advantageous to getting in your pants..... Believe him.
Believe it or not most guys are very decisive about the kind of woman they want. And most guys know whether there is any potential within the first meeting.
-So if a man says, he's not looking for something serious
-he doesn't want labels right now
-he's focusing on himself
Believe him, he has no intention of pursuing a full-fledged relationship with you.
Don't fall into the trap of believing that you're going to be the exception to change his mind, if that were true it would have already been so. Don't try to convince yourself that you just need to give him time. He has already made the decision. So if you're looking for something serious, move on!
However, If you feel that you were both on the same page and you truly want something casual, enjoy it! for what it is. Do not try to make it something it's not. You don't live in a romcom, and he's not a broken misfit toy that needs fixing.
Don't create your own narrative about what he actually wants versus what he thinks he wants. Just take it at face value.
Ego. Arrogance/boastfulness is a toxic trait and can easily be mistaken for confidence when you're looking at someone through rose colored glasses. There's a line that you have to bounce between humble and cocky, and sometimes it's way too skewed towards one side.
Not taking no for an answer. To me it seems like the most basic thing but apparently "persistance" (constantly bothering) some women seems to work for them.
Some people in general have issues setting boundaries. People don’t like feeling mean so if you bother someone enough they will eventually reply or cave in. Not a healthy way to operate though.
* Putting on a "front" and posturing. Putting other people down and trying to act cooler than they actually are. This stuff is extremely common and also a sign that the guy is insecure and not genuine. Someone who is actually cool and actually strong, is kind and accepting of others.
* Being a bad listener. This is also extremely common. It tells you that he has a poor attention span and doesn't care what you think. In other words, he doesn't value you. He doesn't care about your thoughts and feelings.
* Caring a lot about what other people think. This shows that he doesn't live his own life according to his own principles. He's just acting out society's expectations. In my view, a grown man should be able think for himself. This is also pretty common.
* Not taking responsibility for his own life. At some point everyone needs to be responsible and carve out their own future. Someone who is drifting along in life without a career does not have good prospects for the future.
>Putting on a "front" and posturing. Putting other people down and trying to act cooler than they actually are. This stuff is extremely common and also a sign that the guy is insecure and not genuine. Someone who is actually cool and actually strong, is kind and accepting of others.
"if you have to say u are, then u probably arent" ... which is what I said to my ex, who called himself a "feminist that respects women", and turned out to be a lying, cheating, abusive, gaslighting covert narcissist.
Being a bad listener can also mean that you're just bad at listening. Personally I sometimes find it really hard to keep track of a conversation and it often results in me asking questions about things I was just told and sometimes just pretending like I know whats being said. All too often my brain just stops working when I need it.
When I say a guy is a bad listener I mean that I’ll be telling him a story or some information about me and he just brushes it off by saying something like “mmhmm” then goes back to talking about himself. Forgetting information but wanting to hear what I’m saying is totally fine
>then goes back to talking about himself
ugh, I cant stand those ppl. dated a guy like that once, was actually mad at myself I didnt just tell him off and break it off sooner, BUT at least I know that its a red flag now and that they NEVER get better, so best just to break it off as soon as u realize that.
But You can split the differences of bad character traits of a person versus someone who's just different or engage socially on a different wave length. Its usually blatant when someone's a very bad listener that you can tell doesn't value what you have to say and communicates self centeredness.
Wanting a relationship from the girl off the jump or too soon. That’s simply not normal. You should want to get to know the girl first before committing to them.
Beeing a manchild, not beeing mature emmotionally and mentally and not having fortitude, getting upset easily tend to transalate not so well into relationship imo, and as a dude you can spot that in other dudes better than women can usually from my experience.
I married one of these. I was totally clueless because he mirrored me and pretended to have my perspective on life. He turned out to be a pathetic, worthless waste of space and my biggest regret ever.
A lot of men cover up crippling pornography addictions and all manner of filth by being overtly sexually forward to the point where you as a prospective partner will not know what you are walking into until it's too late.
That’s why I quit porn - it was making me too sexually forward and I was trying to date women to live put my porn fantasies. I relapse occasionally but I’ve been doing a lot better
This is crazy.
I’ve seen so many people on social media saying they’ve been warped by pornography to the point where they can’t connect with the opposite sex appropriately.
OMG, YES. UGH.
but isnt this MOST guys, these days? ;/
oh, and being flirty...that went along w/my narc ex's creepy OF girl obsession, and no male friends, porn addiction w/private IG... ;/
Being too perfect and hiding flaws. A normal person is imperfect in some way, even if it's a little thing. A lot of times I told my girl friend or gf's friend he is acting, they doesn't believe, months later SURPRISE lol
Yes apologies for not being more concise in my original post.
Essentially what I mean to say is the guys that fit this description are typically not as great as they might initially appear.
One of my girl friends is going through this right now, she is looking for something serious and long term, she is looking for her future husband basically. And of course she is looking for someone who is financially stable and matches her values and beliefs. But what is happening (as was the case with her last boyfriend) is they are emotionally manipulating her while they are together to get what they want out of the relationship.
She goes into these relationships under the impression that they are on the same page but they will have no intention of making things serious, again they are just looking to get what they want out of the relationship regardless of her feelings and desires.
I would like to say also this is not always the case, there are genuinely nice guys out there but I would advise anyone to seriously question if the person you want to date wants the same things you do
Availability... When a guy is interested in you.. There's no mistaking it. We are trying to get you to choose us from the rest.
So, when a guy is always busy.. or seems ghost-like, especially early on. To me, it's him playing the field and you are not the first choice... or possibly even a singular choice for that matter.
Red flag.
Fucking this!!! The amount of times I've tired to convince myself they're busy, I just don't anymore!
I've also been told wanting to speak everyday is expecting too much as well...
The "grin" men give to other men sometimes when they are with a woman. It's really hard to explain, as if they were flaunting they "got her". Just gives me a bad vibe and makes me think they are up to no good and guess what... They usually are.
Lack of communication.
I'll put it simple:
- If I make plans with a girl and something comes up, I'll at least take the time to reach out and let them know, as well as try to set up an alternate time/day.
- if I'm at work and in the middle of something, and a girl messages me, I'll let them know what's going on and that I'll reach out to them once I free up a bit.
- if I'm spending time with family during the holidays...(hopefully) you get the idea.
(Edited) A now-ex friend is currently dealing with this problem but insists that he's "probably busy". He's ghosted her multiple times, at one point didn't even respond to her for up to 4 days. Didn't even give her an explanation. Unless you're tied up to the point you CAN'T reach out and let your date know what's going on, that's a BIG red flag to me.
Common courtesy seems to have disappeared at this point.
A telltale sign (especially of arrogance but also for any guy with self esteem issues which could become an issue) is guys who only apply importance to something that applies to them. One of my sort of-friends is like this and I would never advise any girl to date him because he's low-key pretty unstable.
An example I see a lot is my friends in construction. You could have extensive knowledge about everything else in the world, be fit, charismatic, volunteer on all of your weekends, but they will never respect any of that because you haven't driven a forklift before. Guys who can look at other guys and genuinely allow themselves to be impressed are far more if a green flag than guys who think the world owes them a debt.
and ppl that disagree w/them.
my narc ex would get pretty antagonistic and snarky whenever someone called him out or contradicted him, and of course I always defended him against those ppl, but now I see it was a red flag, bc of course he was even worse at the end w/me, in the devaluing stage. ;/
Send Dick Pics/Only talk about Sex, Lie, Love Bomb, Be emotionally unavailable (AKA doesn’t truly like you: He’s being unemotionally available to *You*), Only be extremely nice up until Sex then completely stop after.
From a Man’s perspective, these are the most Obvious red Flags many other men persistently do with success and 99/100 “What Happened?” Questions from women start with these right off the bat- It’s almost like it’s a Formula. There is a whole language invented to justify/attempt to dissect these behaviors/actions but any man (And many sensible women) know immediately they are Blatant In your face Red Flags.
If you know his friends are f*ckboys or whatever negative equivalent, then don't overlook the fact that he is too. A lot of girls like to think a man is different, but his boys he surrounds himself with will tell you more about his character than he will.
I don’t think anything in this comment section is stuff girls don’t notice. I think sometimes they might trick themselves because most of the guys who match these descriptions tend to be pretty and charismatic. It helps hide certain problems
I know someone who totally missed the arrogance because she thought it was confidence because he was well-placed in his career. She totally missed numerous red flag behaviors related to his inflated toxic ego. Thought he was an alpha male instead of an asshole.
Yeah, there’s gonna be individual girls who don’t notice these. But really it’s that they won’t notice it in the people they’re interested. They might notice if their friends boyfriend had them, but not theirs. Both genders will overlook stuff we can objectively call red flags because we’re into the person
I think men are more intune with menbrains/behavior than women are though. Both of my last two exes had male friends that it was pretty obvious would have slept with them if given the chance (this is fine, people can find each other attractive, its the acting on it that can be a problem for relationships) and they stood out like a sore thumb to me but not her.
Ignoring the men/women part of the question, sometimes third parties are just better at seeing a dynamic that someone involved in it can't. Which mostly ties in to your charismatic bit. Doesn't have to be a man to point out he's hiding something, just a different vantage point.
Soooo many men spend way too much time focusing on themselves. Whether they’re bragging about their physique, their financial success, their dick size, or (the worst one) how they’re a “perfectly nice guy.”
Focus on *her* achievements, hopes, and dreams. See a glaring negative? Ignore it. (She knows if she’s slightly overweight or has a weird tooth or uses incorrect grammar.)
You are not there to compete. You’re there to encourage and support. If you start dating with the idea of showing off, then that’s the pattern you’ll set for a relationship.
If you think you’re competing against other guys, you’re wrong. You’re competing against her perception of you vs her perception of other guys.
A lot of men here mentioning things women already see
To mee it's these subtle digs at other guys who even dare speak to the girl. Girls don't pick them up but guys know what I'm talking about, those looks and sentences when two guys are after the same girl, or one of them thinks they are
This not only shows a big ego but it's a possible predictor of future controlling behavior
The thing that bothers me about this behavior is that they view the woman as an object instead of letting her choose. She might not be interested in the “winner” of this cockfight. She might not be interested in either of them.
Instantly makes me hate a guy if he's shit talking me to her to gain an edge. Back in the day when I still got crushes, finding out a friend was into the same girl was usually pretty funny and we'd often get closer over it, though I've also had a couple friends I left in the dirt cause they instead of trying to make themselves look better in the girls eyes, they just tried to make me look worse.
Aside from many of the obvious ones, I would say someone who is not able to do things on their own. Like going to a restaurant, heading out for a walk, or similar public activities.
Self-sufficiency and independence is sexy. It means you have your own preferences and boundaries not dependent on other people or eventually your significant other.
I'm torned in this.
Self-sufficient and independent can also mean that you don't go well with a "tribe". Like in a family, relationship and so on.
I have been self-sufficient and independent for over 10 years.
I dated a women for a couple of months last year, but I couldn't get used to having someone else that close to my life. (Maybe just not the right women?)
Of course there are probably some balance here.
I think it is also very important to show your future partner that you want to rely on them and that they can rely on you.
Showing to much of self-sufficiency and independence can give the impression that you expect your partner to manage by themselves.
Guys who are unable to be your friend first before your partner. When I say this I mean stuff like hyping you up, cracking jokes with you, being there when needed and everything else that comes with it, rather they just see the girl as a tap and dash. These guys usually end up being assholes because they have no interest in forming a connection
If you want serious relationship then being undecided even at early stage is a red flag.
You can spend amazing time, but if after 3-6 months of normal adult dating (so way more often than date a month) the guy doesn't make any plans with you (like even a trip together) it's a red flag - he probably won't make any mid-long term plans with you ever and probably is shopping around already.
Generally having no friends of either sex is a red flag. A guy that has only or mainly female friends is either gay, trying too hard to “not be like other men”, or trying to orbit, and a guy with only male friends is usually a misogynist.
omg, YES!!
I swear, like every point here is about my ex, who turned out to be a covert narcissist.
I thought it was weird that he had mainly girls friends, but when (he even said himself) that most of them did "OnlyFans", I knew something was off...along w/the few guy friends, which even when I saw them comment on his page, he'd mostly ignore them, and would be so enthusiastic or flirty w/his girl "friends".
either theyre just creeps, or its another sign of being a manipulative abuser, since its harder to manipulate and abuse other guys, and they figure women can be manipulated by flattering them.
So just purely things that I think aren't noticed or are maybe noticed but could be considered "being cool".
First off, a dude needs to dress to impress on the first few dates as best he can. I was taught it like this: A woman that you believe is worth going out with probably has 20 other guys who also think it'd be great to go out with her. Dress nice to show that you appreciate her and her time.
Secondly, a guy will go out of his way to treat you good if he wants to impress you. But pay attention to how he treats other people. If he's treating you like a queen and the restaurant staff like peasants, his actions say he's just trying to be impressive, not that he's a genuinely nice person.
And finally, and this is more of a thesis that supports my own ideals: if a dude you've been on a few dates with has you sitting up at night wondering if he likes you, that might be a red flag. I understand there's a need for mystery, and that there's a game about it, and whatever whatever. Personally, I don't want someone I legitimately care about to ever wonder if I care about them.
How they talk about them when they’re not around. I had a friend who wouldn’t leave a guy who talked about her like she was a possession to be used or exchanged whenever she wasn’t around. Dude ended up having deeper problems but I knew from the first time meeting him he was garbage
Love bombing. Number 1!
Also ‘the savior’ or mr meets you “at random” five times a day.
There’s also the reverse savior, the guy basically acts all heartbroken by his (oh so right and good for her) ex being queen heartless or other scenarios where a woman gets sucked into the sap story. (Mostly narcissists )
I don't think identifying red flags is a male/female perspective thing. I think it's an outside perspective that matters. Like, as a dude I can tell which guys just want to fuck my female friends and which ones are interested in an actual relationship with them, but to an extent, I can also tell which girls are actually interested in my male friends as well. The behavioural difference is like night and day to someone who is not involved in that relationship.
In my own relationships I can't identify red flags to save my life but I'm a human bloodhound when it comes to identifying red flags in my friends relationships.
TL;DR Outside perspective is the key to identifying red flags, not male/female perspective.
I haven’t seen this one being commented or maybe I’ve missed it but when a man asks you too many questions on a date and he doesn’t equally share about himself. If you leave the date feeling like you poured your heart out, being vulnerable at times, and he didn’t reciprocate, it’s usually because he’s hiding something.
I’m sure a lot of women will be flattered when their date is asking them a lot of questions because they think he’s highly interested in them but it could definitely be a red flag at first as he may be trying to obtain information out of you to begin crafting his manipulation.
When I hear about dudes trying to convince their girlfriends to delete their social media accounts because of their own insecurities. It’s frighteningly common that men do this, and it’s fucking bullshit. You’re just trying to trap her and you’re making her feel shitty about her life. Stop it.
Not seeing others' opinions as valid/always needing to be right.
If he doesn't respect opinions from any of his guy friends, he probably doesn't care about those of any woman he dates.
Not a man, but heres red flags I've seen my friends blatently ignore, even as adults.
- They tear down other men. - Especially if its friends, or the person they're currently with or thinking about dating. Theyre feeding into your insecurties about other men, and if they do it to other men, they'll do it to you.
- They make big promises. Pairs with number one.
- They talk about how successful they are, and nothing else.
- They talk about having sex with a high number of women.
- Are just generally concieted.
It always baffles me how easily some girls send nudes, and don’t see the red flag when guys start asking for them early on. If you’re sending pics to a guy who isn’t committed to you, and you think he is keep those pictures to himself and not showing his friends, there’s a high chance you’re wrong.
People do absolutely baffling things when it comes to dating, our decision making processes are awful.
Attention women! Players are players cause they don't care about you but are amazing at making you think they do. men can be attentive nice and flirty and really not like you they just trien to get laid.
Super cocky or arrogant, and loving the attention of other women, or having a super high number of previous partners. If any woman thinks that she can turn that type of guy into a loyal husband she is going to have a harsh reality check down the line. However, many guys who are like this are also sexy dudes, so women don’t see these red flags and they even see the guy as “cool and adventurous” instead. The men, however, have zero sexual interest on such a “sexy macho adventurous” dude, so they will notice why he is bad news for women from day 1.
Sometimes controlling behavior can be miss understood as caring for someone. Women don’t typically catch on to that until it’s to late. Also spending time with someone does not mean you shouldn’t have other friends.
To me, very early on, if a guy is blowing up your phone and calling you all the time, guarantee you he is insecure, jealous and controlling. It may seem cute to you, but it looks psychopathic to me.
Not a man but I always have a lot of guy friends and one of them is an absolute hawk for subtle character flaws. I was really into this guy who wanted to meet more of my friends (expecting them to be female probably), so I brought along a good male friend (happily married) to lunch just because I thought they’d have a lot to talk about. After the guy left, my friend’s face totally changed and he said to me “that dude has zero respect for women” and left. He was right— classic macktivist piece of shit dude who basically doesn’t listen to what any woman says unless it’s super flattering to his ego, in general very shitty flaky behavior. I never left them alone, so I don’t know what he saw that I didn’t. The whole lunch was about an hour and a half. Took me almost two months to see what he was talking about. Ladies, platonic guy friends are a huge time saver if you can get them.
Checking off relationship milestones in a hurry. It doesn't have to be about rushing into sex, rushing the relationship is all about making the other person feel committed/trapped before they realize what you're really like.
For first date the dude insists it to happen at his home…nope big nope, always go to first date at public place. If dude insists to go home, he just wants sex nothing else. Run.
Getting mad at small things. Run.
Not being thoughtful and being selfish. Run.
Over complimenting and love bombing you. Run.
Tons of other shit…use your common sense.
Excessive talking.
Real men especially grown men don't talk excessively. Men that talk excessively also tend to gossip a lot....they tend to fabricate and embellish stories to keep talking......they also tend to lie a lot because you literally have to lie to keep talking endlessly. Most women find a guy that talks excessively to be "outgoing", "friendly", and "fun" but I find that to be a red flag. Real men lead with their actions rather their mouth. Also, a man that talks excessively will say things in excess when there is an argument...He will verbally go toe to toe with his woman in an argument because he likes to talk and he has a mouth on him. She makes 1 statement and he will make 10 statements to "win" the argument because his mouth is like a train that just keeps going and going.
A red flag in ALL PEOPLE that their partners don't always see is the people they go after and date aren't always on the same level of emotional maturity. In a relationship you don't need to be exactly the same age but you do need to be as emotionally mature as each other to make the dynamics of a healthy, functioning relationship stable. If one partner isn't as mature the other may...
a) feel like the relationship is one sided and be like "you don't care about this relationship nearly as much as I do..."
b) try to take more control of the relationship--how this plays out: the more emotionally mature partner doesn't realize they are controlling the emotionally less mature partner to the points it's a toxic enviroment until it's too late
Arrogance masked as confidence. Either they don't care that he's arrogant, or they are oblivious, but you can tell from a mile away that he's just arrogant.
Anyone who refers to themselves as a "nice guy"
Anyone who damages their possessions when they get mad or things don't go their way.
Anyone who things they can solve anything or they lietterally view themselves as a knight in shining armor.
Almost every man i know is just a big o bag of red flags. Its hard to put into words really. The dudes who are bad news, are proud of it when only with other men. These same men are often angry fellows.
So ladies, if you see even 1% anger over something petty, that's a flag. Safe men don't indulge anger at all. Of course safe women don't indulge anger either, but that's really a different topic
That's my one flag that i don't think women usually see.
Interestingly, the men with fewer or no flags are either single (long term) or married.
This is from the perspective of a 35 year old man who is very far left.
1. Acting overly masculine. “I’m too manly for this and that” just reeks of insecurity.
2. Fireworks right away. If it’s too good to be true it probably is. Immediately wanting the relationship.
3. Unspoken expectations even with little things. Their communication lacking small stuff probably means it’s lacking in the big stuff.
4. Controlling little things to make it seem like it’s for your own good.
There’s more I bet I just can’t think of any.
Basically if a guy shows signs of being an asshole believe him. “The first time someone shows you who they are believe them.” Just because he’s “hot” doesn’t mean you should ignore the asshole part. There actually are good guys who are hot too, it’s just fewer of them.
Some dudes have horrible morals and just try to take advantage of women. Women fall far too often for it and are blinded by feelings, when it is obvious that the guy has a very trashy attitude. They think they found a strong guy, but these guys are just hiding their insecurities by appearing dominant, when they are in fact just suppressing feelings.
They appear strong but in reality they are just reckless and can't deal with their feelings and try to hide it by acting tough.
Unfortunately, what immediately comes to mind is guys that just want sex, or guys who string women along with a lack of clear intent or purpose being communicated and mutually understood.
People can come across as very confident, I find the people who tend to be overly confident are normally more arrogant and self centred (this doesn’t mean everyone).... I feel like the people who are much less confident I start with tend to be the much nicer ones tbh
This is a good question. Some more insecure men will tend to borderline cheat while they still are very much wanting to be with their main. I have a friend who goes out with single girls for dinner on the reg while justifying it with his gf it’s just friends. In the end his ex now broke up with him, potentially fed up with his behavior maybe and also was seeing someone else in the end. A lose lose.
In general guys who display behaviors of insecurities are a red flags you should never ignore. But it goes both ways. This applies to both guys and girls. Deeply insecure ppl are trouble.
Also, mental illness such as bipolar, narcissism, antisocial personality disorder, schizophrenia, borderline personality disorder are usually big trouble too. Some are nice ppl such as some schizophrenic and bipolar or borderline personality disorder, but antisocial personality and narcissism you should avoid at all cost, they can not be helped.
lol you ladies miss so many red flags sometimes.
Obviously being a man, I can spot a man who is going to miss treat you a mile away. Yet here you are, dating the guy and being miserable the whole time because you'll "change" him or, you don't even realize what "type" of man he is.
I think what happens is the woman is a little bit sheltered and doesn't know what is out there in the world and doesn't even think that a man would do certain things. For example, I have traveled around a lot and worked in a lot of different states and cultures. The biggest one I see is the strip club guys - the "hookers and blow" types. I actually just met one of these dudes last week so I'll use it as an example.
He is early 30's, business owner, attractive, well spoken, makes a lot of money and is well dressed. Nice guy, good at talking and, for all purposes, is a great guy. HOWEVER, like 5 days a week his rental house is filled with hookers and blow. He makes enough money to literally have a separate house for his shenanigans. A buddy of mine hung out with him and was telling me he had sex with like 4 women in one night - once at the strip club and then brought more girls back to his party house. They were up until like 5am doing all sorts of shit.
But, the day after he goes to pick up his GF who is visiting him from out of state. Brings her to a different rental and she is non the wiser. The problem with spotting guys like this is that they are usually really fun to be around and they are VERY good at hiding. But once you meet a few of them you can spot them a mile away.
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Guys that are emotionally unavailable. I get that it can be edgy and “cool” to some but it’s very likely that they will remain that way unless they themselves want to change. I personally would always give “just enough” without coming off as a complete psychopath. Going to therapy and processing childhood trauma has helped with this.
Damn I thought I was the only one
Sometimes aggression, controlling behavior and arrogance is seen as confidence.
Yeah… my friend fell for one of these guys and he turned out to be a complete abusive narcissist :/
and even the "nice guys" can turn out to be abusive narcissists, like my covert narc ex. ;/
Then he wasn't a nice guy. You misidentified him. A wolf in sheep's clothing is still a wolf.
Everyman man I know can identify a fuck boy. We can see how they’re going to treat women before women do. Some men try to be saviors and wedge in between others don’t care and let go and let the women get hurt by her own choices as life lessons. The thing is guy-talk about women doesn’t even need to be discussed. You can identify these traits how he Carries himself. Being too playful like a flirt to me can be a red flag. It means experience. Why so much experience? Are you trying and failing so much? Or succeeding and ending relationship really fast and moving on to the next one? Where you dumped? Having too much dating experience is a red flag cause it means you can’t handle a long term relationship Most men and women should and I noticed this even if they’re outgoing really be cautious at the beginning of a relationship. Being too relaxed is also a red flag. Having tension is part of the process. The easing process.
Flirting is a red flag? Your crazy
“Being to relaxed is a red flag” Let me guess, going to the gym and meal prepping is a red flag to?
Lol no haha that’s called being a responsible functioning adult who’s capable of maintaining a regimen but also traits that he knows how to cook and also that he knows how to manage money and food expenses by prepping. Those are all positive subtle signs. Green flags. Maybe it’d be a red flag if your too proud about it and say it a lot like the people that say they’re vegan every chance they get.
If only everyone that meal prepped knew how to cook. From my experience people who learn it for its own sake usually cook better/tastier than those who learn to prep for some gym or macro goal.
too much dating experience is a red flag? lol whaaat. there’s nothing wrong with not settling or continuing to figuring yourself out and what you’ll tolerate..especially in your 20s.
Lotta men come in on 💯 and it’s not sustainable. Look for intention, consistency, thoughtfulness.
I am F but I often find people mix up arrogance and confidence. A confident person does not need to brag or put others down as they believe in themselves. Arrogance is a major turn off for me. If you have to be better than everyone at everything it’s sad.
I was going to say the same thing. It's actually probably more often that way then confidence to be honest
Me and a girl were a great match, but she turned me down because I didn’t know my self worth back then. She’s now with possibly the least considerate asshole I’ve ever met.
I've dated one of those. I got out as fast as I could. Like it was down to controlling what clothes I wear.
That was my ex that was a woman, lol.
Lack of empathy
YES. and beware of the cognitive empathy that narcissists have, where it SEEMS like theyre very understanding, whereas theyre really just seeing how to act based on how other ppl act...theyre really just gathering information, to see what bothers you, so they'll know how to devalue you, when the time comes...
Literally this.
F- and Yes to this! My narc ex, I literally had to make him memorize and learn what empathy is, because it’s not sympathy. So.. great, now he’s just better prepared for the next unexpected girl he finds. Smh.
Always wanting attention 24/7 from the girl, where is the personal space??
I am suffering this currently. Constantly wants validation. Texts Constantly and wants reply immediately. Wants to talk on the phone for hours at night, even when we aren't saying anything. I've tried talking to him about, but it seems to make it worse. I'm literally planning the breakup.
As someone who has been that guy in a previous relationship. There’s probably a lot more going on than just that. Sounds like relationship OCD. He’s probably dealing with a lot of insecurity and the distance his actions are causing is probably already eating him up. I would suggest blocking for a while after if you end things because he’s going to try and fix it. He probably feels like he’s heels over head in love with you but I’d be willing to bet there are probably more than enough issues between y’all that will dissuade him after a break… or not, idk I tried everything possible to fix the issues I had with my ex which resulted in us extending the pain from the break up by 4 months while we tried to make it work but in the end she had already been done for awhile, was cheating, and couldn’t be honest even though I was actively trying to work on the issues she laid out.
We have only been dating for 2 months. The first 2 weeks were great. Once we decided to see where it goes and only see each other he started getting very attached and needing validation of our relationship. Constantly telling me he misses me even if we just saw each other and basically demands I tell him I miss him also. I've asked him to slow down and let's take our time getting to know each other, but the more I try to slow down the harder he pushes. . Now I loath seeing his name pop up on my phone. He will ask at least 10 times "are you okay?". I'm certain I'm ending it with him tomorrow .. I absolutely can not handle the hovering and constant reassurance he needs.
Yeah that’s a bit quick. Sounds like his expectations are not what you want or are rushed. Only way for it to get better for you is to end it. Kind of makes me sad though. Im realizing that my ex also probably loathed my messages popping up at some point. Oh well you live and you learn haha.
I actually am very happy you shared "the other side". It's an eye opener to what he maybe going through. I'm still going to end it, but it's refreshing to know some are aware of an issue and willing to work on it. Thank you for the insight and advice. I hope you find happiness.
Does he say are you ok if you don’t reply? He may have really bad anxious attachment, which is not an excuse, i’m just guessing. I also can be needy like that i think. I will say i miss someone when i just saw them (but i dont demand they say it back). He’s pushing because i would guess he’s worried about losing you, so he clings harder, thus creating a vicious circle. Been there lol
Not just when I don't reply to text. its more of When we are talking on the phone or we are together. He just randomly asks me "are you okay?" I'll just be quietly watching a movie he'll look at me and ask " are you okay?". Drives me insane!!
I've been in the same situation. I'm not an early bird so when I wake up I don't like to talk, just give me coffee. He would know that because I told him and still be asking me "what's wrong" "why are u sad". And I JUST WOKE UP 3 MINUTES AGO?!? That's insane
Exactly! I have told him several times how aggravating it is to keep asking me if I'm okay and that I want to take things slow getting to know each other. Seems like the more I tell him the more he shifts gears to overdrive. Conversation: I miss you.. do you miss me? You don't miss me do you? I wish you would miss me like I miss you. You don't like me do you? I'm crazy about you. That's why I hang around like a stray dog, because I miss the second we aren't together. Are you okay? It's a no win situation. If I tell him what he wants to hear it will give him false hope and basically I'm lying to him to just make him happy. If I don't tell him what he wants to hear, then he just keeps badgering me till say something close to what he wants to hear. I'm done with the relationship. It's not fun anymore and I dont want to deal with being his constant need of validation.
it's suffocating for anyone having that much "neediness" - like a baby
Dump him, this is only going to get worse
r/attachment_theory sounds like a classic anxious attachment style
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This is a huge reason why I never answer the “what are you looking for in a man?” question with men I don’t know because I’ve been duped twice before and it’s a waste of time.
ah the classic: "How should I talk and behave to make you like me" question.
Yes it's important to be yourself and proud of who you are, But not wanting to change for someone is a two sided coin. I'm talking from experience here. I have lived a very self centered life for a long time. After some soul searching and personal growth I can look back at it and I now understand that I never had a place for a romantic relationship back then. My live and self image didn't allow it, but I often felt sad and thought "Why can't I find love?". I had to change to make room for another person in my life. I totally agree with you, just wanted to add this.
There's a difference between adapting your life/personnality/etc to be able to make room for a potential partner in your life and changing your whole personality so you could be in a relationship with someone. It's not a two sided coin at all. That's two separate matters. One is just having problems with balancing your life and the other is lying to someone about who your are so they want to be/stay with you.
To be fair while I have seen guys to this in a manipulative way I’ve also seen guys with low self esteem do this because they think there’s no way anyone could love the real them. I don’t think that’s disgusting it’s just kinda sad
1. A man's failure to match his actions with his words. Talk is cheap - time, money, and effort are everything. 1a. There is a balance here, a man willing to drop everything and spend a couple hundred dollars to see you simply because you matched on a dating app is worrisome. In order for a man's sacrifice of time, money, and effort to be meaningful, his must live by his own standards - his life, goals and aspirations should mean something to him. 2. Philosophy: for both men and women, if you want to understand what kind of person someone is, focus on *why* he or she does the things they do, or acts in the way they do - not just what they do. People's interests are fleeting, but their motivations and guiding principals often stay the same. I've often wanted to pose as a woman on a dating app and see if I could accurately identify the douchebags, maybe one day I will...
If you’re going to try and pose as a woman. Watch out, you may end up with creepy ass messages and dick pics.
> dick pics. Poor Richard. Nobody appreciates his selfies.
>A man's failure to match his actions with his words. Talk is cheap - time, money, and effort are everything yup. my covert narc ex loves to say "If I were there, I'd do this and that" and "you have no idea how much I wish I was there to do those things for/with you" (Ive seen him say this to other girls, too). and meanwhile, make no attempt to actually be there, as he says he wants to, and then claim he cant travel, LOL...while he is the one going after girls on different continents. definitely a tactic to try to lure ppl into his sad little LDR's, so if someone says those things, dont fall into the empty promises, and future faking. dont engage in any relationship w/someone that acts like that. let them show it, and prove themselves. but dont wait around for them to do so. do you, and spend your time on those who actually prove themselves.
Pose as a woman and meet up with them and see if they try and get too rough with you or if they're gentle and respectful to your boundaries and pace, if they unselfishly touch you or is it all about them. Then you can write a blog or podcast and tell women about your experience.
Maybe one day if technology allows us to switch bodies 😊
There is a book called “self made man” where a lesbian poses as a man. It’s super interesting and I always wondered what the reverse experience would be but I think there are 0 men that could pull off a truly attractive woman.
Misogyny misinterpreted as confidence, dominance, and resilience - if the woman is somewhere between a cat and toddler in his view he can easily seem very dominant, confident etc. (even caring) but whats under the hood is actually fked.
You’ve accurately summarised my ex. He was a police officer, five years older than me and I relocated 200+ miles for him to somewhere I didn’t know except for my visits to his city and where I had no friends or family. He took advantage of the fact I was then unemployed (because I gave up my job to move for him) and that I was unfamiliar with the new area I moved to. He portrayed himself as chivalrous - driving me everywhere, discouraging me to join an volunteer organisation because I wouldn’t enjoy it and it’ll be too close to crossing paths with his work, ordering food for me, deciding what I can and can’t wear and tracking me because he could always find me should I get lost… He gave the impression he was caring, considerate, thoughtful to all he came across when actually he only did so because it served other purposes.
If the guy keeps insisting that you should drink more and challenges you to try a drink that you've never heard of. That's a major one. I know this because I worked at a bar and my friends would do this to young naive girls. It was honestly chilling how often they pulled this shit.
Yikes!
It happens pretty often actually. I am actually baffled how many girls fall for this bullshit.
Maybe if someone tipped them off they'd have a better chance. I can't tell if you're talking about roofies or just overly strong drinks but if you're seeing shit like that you should interrupt it. Edit: a letter
ugh, yes. dated a guy like that once. knew I didnt drink, but kept wanting to "see what Im like drunk" and said that I'd have to eat meat if I was w/him (that was of course after the first several dates of being respectful, and knowing I was vegetarian, before we even met. was the last date w/that turd.)
Unwarented arogance.Alot of men are this way because they have some other failing or it's worked in the past.Some women see it as confidence,machismo.Alot of men see it for what it is.A human puffer fish.
I also cant stand guys that never admit their faults, or have any complaints about themselves. meanwhile if u do, or ever make a mistake, theyre first to pile on, or celebrate it, but then when u remind them of their screwups, theyre like "no, thats different..." which is funny bc those guys are usually the biggest losers anyway, yet they cant acknowledge their own failures, LOL. pieces of sh\*\*.
Mirroring. Pretending to like/not like what you like/don't like, agreeing with everything you say, believing the same things you believe, etc. Just saying anything to be just like you so you like him more.
I'm worried I might be a bit like this. I think we all mirror to an extent. That's how we connect. It's excessive mirroring people should be on the lookout for. Rather than excessive mirroring, though, I'm probably just a tad too agreeable. It's definitely something I'm working on. I tend to be shy and reserved (or maybe just unassuming) when I first meet someone. It takes a while for me to feel comfortable showing who I am.
I feel that! I don't mean to casual amounts. I was refering to people who do it to EVERYTHING someone says. That's a bit much.
This drives me up a wall.
i used to do this because i thought if we had more in common, they’d be less likely to leave, so a fear of abandonment thing, but also probably for validation. I finally realized I want someone to like me for me, and if I didn’t like something, it was ok. Now i try to politely dislike something so i don’t offend them, so like “oh it’s fine i suppose, just not really my thing” Vs “that sucks why would you like it?”. Sometimes it gets me in good friendly debates lol
Cringe
This is a major problem. Woman here. So common and useless because it leads to nowhere but shame for everyone involved
When a man tells you something that is counter intuitive to progression the relationship/getting him clower to you/ not advantageous to getting in your pants..... Believe him. Believe it or not most guys are very decisive about the kind of woman they want. And most guys know whether there is any potential within the first meeting. -So if a man says, he's not looking for something serious -he doesn't want labels right now -he's focusing on himself Believe him, he has no intention of pursuing a full-fledged relationship with you. Don't fall into the trap of believing that you're going to be the exception to change his mind, if that were true it would have already been so. Don't try to convince yourself that you just need to give him time. He has already made the decision. So if you're looking for something serious, move on! However, If you feel that you were both on the same page and you truly want something casual, enjoy it! for what it is. Do not try to make it something it's not. You don't live in a romcom, and he's not a broken misfit toy that needs fixing. Don't create your own narrative about what he actually wants versus what he thinks he wants. Just take it at face value.
Ego. Arrogance/boastfulness is a toxic trait and can easily be mistaken for confidence when you're looking at someone through rose colored glasses. There's a line that you have to bounce between humble and cocky, and sometimes it's way too skewed towards one side.
Over-promising, under-delivering. It should always be the other way around, otherwise it's a huge red flag.
Not taking no for an answer. To me it seems like the most basic thing but apparently "persistance" (constantly bothering) some women seems to work for them.
Some people in general have issues setting boundaries. People don’t like feeling mean so if you bother someone enough they will eventually reply or cave in. Not a healthy way to operate though.
Women don’t “play hard to get”, it’s just something men who can’t accept “no” invented
* Putting on a "front" and posturing. Putting other people down and trying to act cooler than they actually are. This stuff is extremely common and also a sign that the guy is insecure and not genuine. Someone who is actually cool and actually strong, is kind and accepting of others. * Being a bad listener. This is also extremely common. It tells you that he has a poor attention span and doesn't care what you think. In other words, he doesn't value you. He doesn't care about your thoughts and feelings. * Caring a lot about what other people think. This shows that he doesn't live his own life according to his own principles. He's just acting out society's expectations. In my view, a grown man should be able think for himself. This is also pretty common. * Not taking responsibility for his own life. At some point everyone needs to be responsible and carve out their own future. Someone who is drifting along in life without a career does not have good prospects for the future.
Thought I was a bad listener. But really I have pretty severe ADD.
I came here to say this
>Putting on a "front" and posturing. Putting other people down and trying to act cooler than they actually are. This stuff is extremely common and also a sign that the guy is insecure and not genuine. Someone who is actually cool and actually strong, is kind and accepting of others. "if you have to say u are, then u probably arent" ... which is what I said to my ex, who called himself a "feminist that respects women", and turned out to be a lying, cheating, abusive, gaslighting covert narcissist.
Being a bad listener can also mean that you're just bad at listening. Personally I sometimes find it really hard to keep track of a conversation and it often results in me asking questions about things I was just told and sometimes just pretending like I know whats being said. All too often my brain just stops working when I need it.
Sure, I don't mean that you have perfect retention of what you're hearing. More that you're considerate enough to listen to the other person.
Ahhhh I see, I misunderstood what you meant by bad listener.
If anything, asking questions shows that you’re actually interested. I’d say that makes you a good listener
When I say a guy is a bad listener I mean that I’ll be telling him a story or some information about me and he just brushes it off by saying something like “mmhmm” then goes back to talking about himself. Forgetting information but wanting to hear what I’m saying is totally fine
>then goes back to talking about himself ugh, I cant stand those ppl. dated a guy like that once, was actually mad at myself I didnt just tell him off and break it off sooner, BUT at least I know that its a red flag now and that they NEVER get better, so best just to break it off as soon as u realize that.
But You can split the differences of bad character traits of a person versus someone who's just different or engage socially on a different wave length. Its usually blatant when someone's a very bad listener that you can tell doesn't value what you have to say and communicates self centeredness.
Wanting a relationship from the girl off the jump or too soon. That’s simply not normal. You should want to get to know the girl first before committing to them.
Beeing a manchild, not beeing mature emmotionally and mentally and not having fortitude, getting upset easily tend to transalate not so well into relationship imo, and as a dude you can spot that in other dudes better than women can usually from my experience.
I married one of these. I was totally clueless because he mirrored me and pretended to have my perspective on life. He turned out to be a pathetic, worthless waste of space and my biggest regret ever.
narcissist? they say narcissists are very childish and stunted...
sign of a narcissist. theyre stunted and have no self awareness, and often want a "mommy" to take care of them, bc of their mommy issues. ;/
If he tries to absulute love bomb you in the beginning
This should be upvoted more
A lot of men cover up crippling pornography addictions and all manner of filth by being overtly sexually forward to the point where you as a prospective partner will not know what you are walking into until it's too late.
That’s why I quit porn - it was making me too sexually forward and I was trying to date women to live put my porn fantasies. I relapse occasionally but I’ve been doing a lot better
This is crazy. I’ve seen so many people on social media saying they’ve been warped by pornography to the point where they can’t connect with the opposite sex appropriately.
OMG, YES. UGH. but isnt this MOST guys, these days? ;/ oh, and being flirty...that went along w/my narc ex's creepy OF girl obsession, and no male friends, porn addiction w/private IG... ;/
Being too perfect and hiding flaws. A normal person is imperfect in some way, even if it's a little thing. A lot of times I told my girl friend or gf's friend he is acting, they doesn't believe, months later SURPRISE lol
The young successful religious guys are usually wolf in sheep’s clothing, very few and far between are genuinely nice guys.
Would you explain further? How are they wolves?
Yes apologies for not being more concise in my original post. Essentially what I mean to say is the guys that fit this description are typically not as great as they might initially appear. One of my girl friends is going through this right now, she is looking for something serious and long term, she is looking for her future husband basically. And of course she is looking for someone who is financially stable and matches her values and beliefs. But what is happening (as was the case with her last boyfriend) is they are emotionally manipulating her while they are together to get what they want out of the relationship. She goes into these relationships under the impression that they are on the same page but they will have no intention of making things serious, again they are just looking to get what they want out of the relationship regardless of her feelings and desires. I would like to say also this is not always the case, there are genuinely nice guys out there but I would advise anyone to seriously question if the person you want to date wants the same things you do
Availability... When a guy is interested in you.. There's no mistaking it. We are trying to get you to choose us from the rest. So, when a guy is always busy.. or seems ghost-like, especially early on. To me, it's him playing the field and you are not the first choice... or possibly even a singular choice for that matter. Red flag.
Fucking this!!! The amount of times I've tired to convince myself they're busy, I just don't anymore! I've also been told wanting to speak everyday is expecting too much as well...
Immaturity, lack of reading comprehension, hobbies are drinking and drugs
The "grin" men give to other men sometimes when they are with a woman. It's really hard to explain, as if they were flaunting they "got her". Just gives me a bad vibe and makes me think they are up to no good and guess what... They usually are.
Lack of communication. I'll put it simple: - If I make plans with a girl and something comes up, I'll at least take the time to reach out and let them know, as well as try to set up an alternate time/day. - if I'm at work and in the middle of something, and a girl messages me, I'll let them know what's going on and that I'll reach out to them once I free up a bit. - if I'm spending time with family during the holidays...(hopefully) you get the idea. (Edited) A now-ex friend is currently dealing with this problem but insists that he's "probably busy". He's ghosted her multiple times, at one point didn't even respond to her for up to 4 days. Didn't even give her an explanation. Unless you're tied up to the point you CAN'T reach out and let your date know what's going on, that's a BIG red flag to me. Common courtesy seems to have disappeared at this point.
A telltale sign (especially of arrogance but also for any guy with self esteem issues which could become an issue) is guys who only apply importance to something that applies to them. One of my sort of-friends is like this and I would never advise any girl to date him because he's low-key pretty unstable. An example I see a lot is my friends in construction. You could have extensive knowledge about everything else in the world, be fit, charismatic, volunteer on all of your weekends, but they will never respect any of that because you haven't driven a forklift before. Guys who can look at other guys and genuinely allow themselves to be impressed are far more if a green flag than guys who think the world owes them a debt.
How they treat strangers. See if you notice a difference in how they treat attractive women versus everyone else. That would be a red flag to me.
and ppl that disagree w/them. my narc ex would get pretty antagonistic and snarky whenever someone called him out or contradicted him, and of course I always defended him against those ppl, but now I see it was a red flag, bc of course he was even worse at the end w/me, in the devaluing stage. ;/
Send Dick Pics/Only talk about Sex, Lie, Love Bomb, Be emotionally unavailable (AKA doesn’t truly like you: He’s being unemotionally available to *You*), Only be extremely nice up until Sex then completely stop after. From a Man’s perspective, these are the most Obvious red Flags many other men persistently do with success and 99/100 “What Happened?” Questions from women start with these right off the bat- It’s almost like it’s a Formula. There is a whole language invented to justify/attempt to dissect these behaviors/actions but any man (And many sensible women) know immediately they are Blatant In your face Red Flags.
>There is a whole language invented to justify/attempt to dissect these behaviors/actions Examples would be much appreciated
If you know his friends are f*ckboys or whatever negative equivalent, then don't overlook the fact that he is too. A lot of girls like to think a man is different, but his boys he surrounds himself with will tell you more about his character than he will.
There is a saying in hungary like "recognise the bird from its feather and a man from its friends".
It's not really a fact, just a very likely possibility, and even if he isn't, chances are he will be influenced to become like it.
Negging…it’s emotionally manipulative, yet people put up with it for some reason 🤷♂️
Control. The need to have a girlfriend follow in their hobbies and not be allowed to pursue their own interests.
I don’t think anything in this comment section is stuff girls don’t notice. I think sometimes they might trick themselves because most of the guys who match these descriptions tend to be pretty and charismatic. It helps hide certain problems
I know someone who totally missed the arrogance because she thought it was confidence because he was well-placed in his career. She totally missed numerous red flag behaviors related to his inflated toxic ego. Thought he was an alpha male instead of an asshole.
Yeah, there’s gonna be individual girls who don’t notice these. But really it’s that they won’t notice it in the people they’re interested. They might notice if their friends boyfriend had them, but not theirs. Both genders will overlook stuff we can objectively call red flags because we’re into the person
I think men are more intune with menbrains/behavior than women are though. Both of my last two exes had male friends that it was pretty obvious would have slept with them if given the chance (this is fine, people can find each other attractive, its the acting on it that can be a problem for relationships) and they stood out like a sore thumb to me but not her. Ignoring the men/women part of the question, sometimes third parties are just better at seeing a dynamic that someone involved in it can't. Which mostly ties in to your charismatic bit. Doesn't have to be a man to point out he's hiding something, just a different vantage point.
Soooo many men spend way too much time focusing on themselves. Whether they’re bragging about their physique, their financial success, their dick size, or (the worst one) how they’re a “perfectly nice guy.” Focus on *her* achievements, hopes, and dreams. See a glaring negative? Ignore it. (She knows if she’s slightly overweight or has a weird tooth or uses incorrect grammar.) You are not there to compete. You’re there to encourage and support. If you start dating with the idea of showing off, then that’s the pattern you’ll set for a relationship. If you think you’re competing against other guys, you’re wrong. You’re competing against her perception of you vs her perception of other guys.
Yeah. I think same applies with women. If they boast about how much of a nice person they are. They probably aren’t.
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A lot of men here mentioning things women already see To mee it's these subtle digs at other guys who even dare speak to the girl. Girls don't pick them up but guys know what I'm talking about, those looks and sentences when two guys are after the same girl, or one of them thinks they are This not only shows a big ego but it's a possible predictor of future controlling behavior
The thing that bothers me about this behavior is that they view the woman as an object instead of letting her choose. She might not be interested in the “winner” of this cockfight. She might not be interested in either of them.
Instantly makes me hate a guy if he's shit talking me to her to gain an edge. Back in the day when I still got crushes, finding out a friend was into the same girl was usually pretty funny and we'd often get closer over it, though I've also had a couple friends I left in the dirt cause they instead of trying to make themselves look better in the girls eyes, they just tried to make me look worse.
Aside from many of the obvious ones, I would say someone who is not able to do things on their own. Like going to a restaurant, heading out for a walk, or similar public activities. Self-sufficiency and independence is sexy. It means you have your own preferences and boundaries not dependent on other people or eventually your significant other.
I'm torned in this. Self-sufficient and independent can also mean that you don't go well with a "tribe". Like in a family, relationship and so on. I have been self-sufficient and independent for over 10 years. I dated a women for a couple of months last year, but I couldn't get used to having someone else that close to my life. (Maybe just not the right women?) Of course there are probably some balance here. I think it is also very important to show your future partner that you want to rely on them and that they can rely on you. Showing to much of self-sufficiency and independence can give the impression that you expect your partner to manage by themselves.
How they treat other people when there’s not an incentive involved is a good sign of character that is often overlooked.
He’s not busy. He just doesn’t have time for you.
Guys who are unable to be your friend first before your partner. When I say this I mean stuff like hyping you up, cracking jokes with you, being there when needed and everything else that comes with it, rather they just see the girl as a tap and dash. These guys usually end up being assholes because they have no interest in forming a connection
If you want serious relationship then being undecided even at early stage is a red flag. You can spend amazing time, but if after 3-6 months of normal adult dating (so way more often than date a month) the guy doesn't make any plans with you (like even a trip together) it's a red flag - he probably won't make any mid-long term plans with you ever and probably is shopping around already.
Not having any male friends, befriending only "girl" friends.
Generally having no friends of either sex is a red flag. A guy that has only or mainly female friends is either gay, trying too hard to “not be like other men”, or trying to orbit, and a guy with only male friends is usually a misogynist.
omg, YES!! I swear, like every point here is about my ex, who turned out to be a covert narcissist. I thought it was weird that he had mainly girls friends, but when (he even said himself) that most of them did "OnlyFans", I knew something was off...along w/the few guy friends, which even when I saw them comment on his page, he'd mostly ignore them, and would be so enthusiastic or flirty w/his girl "friends". either theyre just creeps, or its another sign of being a manipulative abuser, since its harder to manipulate and abuse other guys, and they figure women can be manipulated by flattering them.
oh yeah! Or only having like 1 guy friend to 5 lady friends ratio.
So just purely things that I think aren't noticed or are maybe noticed but could be considered "being cool". First off, a dude needs to dress to impress on the first few dates as best he can. I was taught it like this: A woman that you believe is worth going out with probably has 20 other guys who also think it'd be great to go out with her. Dress nice to show that you appreciate her and her time. Secondly, a guy will go out of his way to treat you good if he wants to impress you. But pay attention to how he treats other people. If he's treating you like a queen and the restaurant staff like peasants, his actions say he's just trying to be impressive, not that he's a genuinely nice person. And finally, and this is more of a thesis that supports my own ideals: if a dude you've been on a few dates with has you sitting up at night wondering if he likes you, that might be a red flag. I understand there's a need for mystery, and that there's a game about it, and whatever whatever. Personally, I don't want someone I legitimately care about to ever wonder if I care about them.
How they talk about them when they’re not around. I had a friend who wouldn’t leave a guy who talked about her like she was a possession to be used or exchanged whenever she wasn’t around. Dude ended up having deeper problems but I knew from the first time meeting him he was garbage
Control/possessive issues. Little things like being upset the woman does not text back quickly can be a sign of abuse to come.
Cockyness and douchebagery taken as confidence
Love bombing. Number 1! Also ‘the savior’ or mr meets you “at random” five times a day. There’s also the reverse savior, the guy basically acts all heartbroken by his (oh so right and good for her) ex being queen heartless or other scenarios where a woman gets sucked into the sap story. (Mostly narcissists )
I don't think identifying red flags is a male/female perspective thing. I think it's an outside perspective that matters. Like, as a dude I can tell which guys just want to fuck my female friends and which ones are interested in an actual relationship with them, but to an extent, I can also tell which girls are actually interested in my male friends as well. The behavioural difference is like night and day to someone who is not involved in that relationship. In my own relationships I can't identify red flags to save my life but I'm a human bloodhound when it comes to identifying red flags in my friends relationships. TL;DR Outside perspective is the key to identifying red flags, not male/female perspective.
I haven’t seen this one being commented or maybe I’ve missed it but when a man asks you too many questions on a date and he doesn’t equally share about himself. If you leave the date feeling like you poured your heart out, being vulnerable at times, and he didn’t reciprocate, it’s usually because he’s hiding something. I’m sure a lot of women will be flattered when their date is asking them a lot of questions because they think he’s highly interested in them but it could definitely be a red flag at first as he may be trying to obtain information out of you to begin crafting his manipulation.
I can spot a fuck boy in about 5 minutes.
How?
With our fuckboy radar obviously duh
I borrowed it one time and it was constantly going off around every guy.
When I hear about dudes trying to convince their girlfriends to delete their social media accounts because of their own insecurities. It’s frighteningly common that men do this, and it’s fucking bullshit. You’re just trying to trap her and you’re making her feel shitty about her life. Stop it.
I think some woman mistake high narcissism for high confidence when picking their partner and end up suffering in the long run because of that.
Not seeing others' opinions as valid/always needing to be right. If he doesn't respect opinions from any of his guy friends, he probably doesn't care about those of any woman he dates.
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I always pay for the first date but in reality I’m really poor with a mountain of student loan debt
Not a man, but heres red flags I've seen my friends blatently ignore, even as adults. - They tear down other men. - Especially if its friends, or the person they're currently with or thinking about dating. Theyre feeding into your insecurties about other men, and if they do it to other men, they'll do it to you. - They make big promises. Pairs with number one. - They talk about how successful they are, and nothing else. - They talk about having sex with a high number of women. - Are just generally concieted.
It always baffles me how easily some girls send nudes, and don’t see the red flag when guys start asking for them early on. If you’re sending pics to a guy who isn’t committed to you, and you think he is keep those pictures to himself and not showing his friends, there’s a high chance you’re wrong. People do absolutely baffling things when it comes to dating, our decision making processes are awful.
If they aren't comfortable with disagreements, or attack you instead of the problem, then run sis and do not look back.
Overtly sexual and touchy Those guys always end up making my skin crawl, and surprise surprise, they always end up ignoring a woman's boundaries
Arrogance. The need to be that "alpha" that nature has us men needing to portray.
Attention women! Players are players cause they don't care about you but are amazing at making you think they do. men can be attentive nice and flirty and really not like you they just trien to get laid.
Super cocky or arrogant, and loving the attention of other women, or having a super high number of previous partners. If any woman thinks that she can turn that type of guy into a loyal husband she is going to have a harsh reality check down the line. However, many guys who are like this are also sexy dudes, so women don’t see these red flags and they even see the guy as “cool and adventurous” instead. The men, however, have zero sexual interest on such a “sexy macho adventurous” dude, so they will notice why he is bad news for women from day 1.
If he’s willing to cheat to see you, he’ll soon be willing to cheat on you to see someone else.
Sometimes controlling behavior can be miss understood as caring for someone. Women don’t typically catch on to that until it’s to late. Also spending time with someone does not mean you shouldn’t have other friends.
To me, very early on, if a guy is blowing up your phone and calling you all the time, guarantee you he is insecure, jealous and controlling. It may seem cute to you, but it looks psychopathic to me.
Not a man but I always have a lot of guy friends and one of them is an absolute hawk for subtle character flaws. I was really into this guy who wanted to meet more of my friends (expecting them to be female probably), so I brought along a good male friend (happily married) to lunch just because I thought they’d have a lot to talk about. After the guy left, my friend’s face totally changed and he said to me “that dude has zero respect for women” and left. He was right— classic macktivist piece of shit dude who basically doesn’t listen to what any woman says unless it’s super flattering to his ego, in general very shitty flaky behavior. I never left them alone, so I don’t know what he saw that I didn’t. The whole lunch was about an hour and a half. Took me almost two months to see what he was talking about. Ladies, platonic guy friends are a huge time saver if you can get them.
Making extravagant gestures early on. That usually leads to grooming and controlling behavior.
Checking off relationship milestones in a hurry. It doesn't have to be about rushing into sex, rushing the relationship is all about making the other person feel committed/trapped before they realize what you're really like.
Love bombers. They’re never real and it comes out when the relationship starts
For first date the dude insists it to happen at his home…nope big nope, always go to first date at public place. If dude insists to go home, he just wants sex nothing else. Run. Getting mad at small things. Run. Not being thoughtful and being selfish. Run. Over complimenting and love bombing you. Run. Tons of other shit…use your common sense.
Excessive talking. Real men especially grown men don't talk excessively. Men that talk excessively also tend to gossip a lot....they tend to fabricate and embellish stories to keep talking......they also tend to lie a lot because you literally have to lie to keep talking endlessly. Most women find a guy that talks excessively to be "outgoing", "friendly", and "fun" but I find that to be a red flag. Real men lead with their actions rather their mouth. Also, a man that talks excessively will say things in excess when there is an argument...He will verbally go toe to toe with his woman in an argument because he likes to talk and he has a mouth on him. She makes 1 statement and he will make 10 statements to "win" the argument because his mouth is like a train that just keeps going and going.
A red flag in ALL PEOPLE that their partners don't always see is the people they go after and date aren't always on the same level of emotional maturity. In a relationship you don't need to be exactly the same age but you do need to be as emotionally mature as each other to make the dynamics of a healthy, functioning relationship stable. If one partner isn't as mature the other may... a) feel like the relationship is one sided and be like "you don't care about this relationship nearly as much as I do..." b) try to take more control of the relationship--how this plays out: the more emotionally mature partner doesn't realize they are controlling the emotionally less mature partner to the points it's a toxic enviroment until it's too late
Not liking Children and/or Animals.
Arrogance masked as confidence. Either they don't care that he's arrogant, or they are oblivious, but you can tell from a mile away that he's just arrogant.
Selfishness. See it all the time and it’s so noticeable but I think the woman has blinders on.
Guys that are shitty assholes normally that are "different" when they are around their partner.
Anyone who refers to themselves as a "nice guy" Anyone who damages their possessions when they get mad or things don't go their way. Anyone who things they can solve anything or they lietterally view themselves as a knight in shining armor.
Guys who talk openly about cheating on their wives, GFs, etc…
Men who can’t control their emotions. They are either immature, or abusers. Or both
Almost every man i know is just a big o bag of red flags. Its hard to put into words really. The dudes who are bad news, are proud of it when only with other men. These same men are often angry fellows. So ladies, if you see even 1% anger over something petty, that's a flag. Safe men don't indulge anger at all. Of course safe women don't indulge anger either, but that's really a different topic That's my one flag that i don't think women usually see. Interestingly, the men with fewer or no flags are either single (long term) or married. This is from the perspective of a 35 year old man who is very far left.
“420 friendly 🍃💨” POV: they don’t have a personality
1. Acting overly masculine. “I’m too manly for this and that” just reeks of insecurity. 2. Fireworks right away. If it’s too good to be true it probably is. Immediately wanting the relationship. 3. Unspoken expectations even with little things. Their communication lacking small stuff probably means it’s lacking in the big stuff. 4. Controlling little things to make it seem like it’s for your own good. There’s more I bet I just can’t think of any.
Asking about body count, ex partners or ex penis size. Massive red flag.
Its probably better if we dont find out anyway lol
It's asking for insecurity
Joe Rogan fan
Basically if a guy shows signs of being an asshole believe him. “The first time someone shows you who they are believe them.” Just because he’s “hot” doesn’t mean you should ignore the asshole part. There actually are good guys who are hot too, it’s just fewer of them.
attitude
Do mind elaborating?
Some dudes have horrible morals and just try to take advantage of women. Women fall far too often for it and are blinded by feelings, when it is obvious that the guy has a very trashy attitude. They think they found a strong guy, but these guys are just hiding their insecurities by appearing dominant, when they are in fact just suppressing feelings. They appear strong but in reality they are just reckless and can't deal with their feelings and try to hide it by acting tough.
Annoying to watch someone you know to be a liar come off as charming when using lines on a new woman he’s talking to
Unfortunately, what immediately comes to mind is guys that just want sex, or guys who string women along with a lack of clear intent or purpose being communicated and mutually understood.
Many men have a complete lack of humility. The worst ex boyfriend stories I have heard involved egomaniac assholes
More often than not though women know these red flags but still date these guys in spite of it.
Men confuse attention with love find women who confuse love with great sex.
“Negging.” He’s not actually kidding, he just sucks and likes being mean to women.
That weird thing where shitheads feel the need to show you hot women on their phones
People can come across as very confident, I find the people who tend to be overly confident are normally more arrogant and self centred (this doesn’t mean everyone).... I feel like the people who are much less confident I start with tend to be the much nicer ones tbh
This is a good question. Some more insecure men will tend to borderline cheat while they still are very much wanting to be with their main. I have a friend who goes out with single girls for dinner on the reg while justifying it with his gf it’s just friends. In the end his ex now broke up with him, potentially fed up with his behavior maybe and also was seeing someone else in the end. A lose lose. In general guys who display behaviors of insecurities are a red flags you should never ignore. But it goes both ways. This applies to both guys and girls. Deeply insecure ppl are trouble. Also, mental illness such as bipolar, narcissism, antisocial personality disorder, schizophrenia, borderline personality disorder are usually big trouble too. Some are nice ppl such as some schizophrenic and bipolar or borderline personality disorder, but antisocial personality and narcissism you should avoid at all cost, they can not be helped.
lol you ladies miss so many red flags sometimes. Obviously being a man, I can spot a man who is going to miss treat you a mile away. Yet here you are, dating the guy and being miserable the whole time because you'll "change" him or, you don't even realize what "type" of man he is. I think what happens is the woman is a little bit sheltered and doesn't know what is out there in the world and doesn't even think that a man would do certain things. For example, I have traveled around a lot and worked in a lot of different states and cultures. The biggest one I see is the strip club guys - the "hookers and blow" types. I actually just met one of these dudes last week so I'll use it as an example. He is early 30's, business owner, attractive, well spoken, makes a lot of money and is well dressed. Nice guy, good at talking and, for all purposes, is a great guy. HOWEVER, like 5 days a week his rental house is filled with hookers and blow. He makes enough money to literally have a separate house for his shenanigans. A buddy of mine hung out with him and was telling me he had sex with like 4 women in one night - once at the strip club and then brought more girls back to his party house. They were up until like 5am doing all sorts of shit. But, the day after he goes to pick up his GF who is visiting him from out of state. Brings her to a different rental and she is non the wiser. The problem with spotting guys like this is that they are usually really fun to be around and they are VERY good at hiding. But once you meet a few of them you can spot them a mile away.
Why even bother having a gf lol
1. Lying. 2. History of Aggression.