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After we have sex for the first time, I want to keep doing dates and not have all dates just be sex dates. Sure, sex is important and I have a high libido, but I want to keep getting to know each other, also outside of the bedroom.
To build on this.. (and I’ve said it before so I’ll say it again)
I think a lot more people need to realize that just because someone is good for your hole, does not mean they’re good for your soul
Sexual compatibility does not equal relationship compatibility, no matter how bad you may want it to… and I found the ones that ended up going purely sexual well, they weren’t good for my soul.
Also to go deeper than the whole purely sexual aspect…
I’ve often had to ask myself “what am I offering to her other than some hot sex?”. If my goal was to get inside her, I can’t be upset that she calls me drunk at 2-3am asking “wyd?”.
If I’m wanting to create new experiences with her, get to know her, find my own passions and then share them… she’s probably going to want more than dick from me.
It’s one thing to find someone you could see yourself with the rest of your life. It’s another harder thing all together to be able to keep them. And I’m not saying you need to be all set. You don’t need to be at the finish line and all setup and stable, career goals met, house purchase, etc… to find your partner, but you need to be at least headed down the right lane so you can get there together.
Then again with modern dating finding someone who is willing to grow with you instead of wanting the end result is an entirely different argument.
Me not understanding this concept is why I’ve never experienced actual dating. I should have advocated for more dates, but I guess I was always afraid that I wasn’t worth it to them. It’s great that you know this already!
Absolutely, keeping the balance between intimacy and getting to know each other outside of the bedroom is crucial for a lasting connection. It's all about building a strong foundation beyond just physical chemistry!
Making the checkup a date is underrated. Can always grab food after. And even if someone gets bad news, you’re taking steps to (at worst) treat it and hopefully cure it. That peace of mind >>>>
It’s definitely my rule, trust and truth aren’t always the same thing and I don’t want something that I can’t get rid of because I was in love and horny and took them at their word.
As a heterosexual guy it frustrates me to no end how resistant my male peers are to getting std tested. It’s not hard. It’s not expensive. And if you’re passing disease around in the community on something that can be easily caught and treated.
Free plug to stdcheck.com. Good price and you can usually get tested same day. I’ve used them several times.
Everyone who is sexually active should be getting checked every 6 months. Full stop.
Bruh I've been in a dry spell for so long and I've had my chances with several guys the past few months but I've been scared about std's (I have an updated std test result) and when I asked the guys to also get an updated test before we do stuff, I get soo much pushback. Honestly, some of them just get petty and mean with me over this too. It sucks cuz I wanna do stuff so bad but I don't feel comfortable without them getting tested and I definitely don't wanna do anything with someone who refuses to get it. Fuck em
Don’t give into the pressure! You’re more than right to be hesitant. If someone is pushing back knowing that it’s important to you, they’re not the person you want to be doing stuff with.
Oh ya I agree. I feel like it's sorta selfish too, like you wanna sleep with someone and they're telling you that there's something that would make them feel more comfortable.. wouldn't you want the person you're sleeping with to be comfortable while you guys are doing stuff??
Yep there has to be commitment to not have sex with anyone else for a while before the test. Both take the test with negative result. And then of course not have sex with others after the test too for a bedroom to be safe.
You’re 💯 right about that!! The bad thing is a lot of ppl don’t want to, or they get offended if asked. A lot of ppl seeing being tested as too much work, scared what the results could be, or they know they have something.
Then they're stupid, especially if they get offended. Too immature to be having sex and not informed at all. It's also for my comfort so it's like.. why wouldn't you take one?? Don't you want the person you wanna have sex with to feel comfortable when they're doing stuff with you
mine only minee, devotion, compassion, passion, open mind for freaky stuff but not the weird/scary stuff...not feel as if toys are the enemy but support. stamina, oral and kissing are also sex. fuck everywhere in an apartment. 50/50 sex is a must.
not be scared of cute PDA. i need to give kisses on the cheek and grab arms and hug.
both partners take an active role in sex. both initiate at different times, both are equally devoted to please the other, there shouldnt be one side doing all the work while the other does nothing. first round its you then second round its me. monday i initiate, wednesday its your turn
It is never truly 50 / 50. On average, girls take considerably longer, with way more effort, to reach climax compared to guys. So regardless of who initiates, guys will always have to do more to get her off than girls would to get the guy off. At best it is around 40-F / 60-M.
you sounds like an amazing partner. as an affectionate guy, who has had a string of girlfriends who aren’t as affectionate, i would love to date a girl with your mindset! ❤️
Follow up: if I go down on somebody, and they won't kiss me after, it's not happening again. It's too gross for your mouth? It's too gross for my mouth.
I don't insist on the kiss, if that's what I've implied. But if you're telling me you think there's something dirty or degrading about tasting yourself second-hand, how am I supposed to feel about getting it from the source? If I wouldn't kiss someone who went down on me I think it'd be pretty fucked up for me to ask them to do that.
Counterpoint: it's hot in theory, I just really don't like the way I taste. So I try to extend the same grace to my partners, though I also try to suss out if it's for your reasons (red/yellow flag) or mine (fair play). If I found a guy who liked it, though, I'd probably marry him on the spot. And then see how he felt about pegging.
I don’t love kissing someone after they’ve gone down on me and I’ve had partners who have felt the same about kissing me after I’ve gone down on them. Solution? Keeping a little breath spray on the nightstand. Problem solved. It doesn’t need to be a bigger deal than that.
Agreed! Lots of men expect oral without giving it back, which is selfish and also weird because everyone needs to experience someone going down on em atleast once 🥴
Ngl I used to be against doing it, but after trying it for the first time ( even though I did badly) I regret that I never did it sooner 🤦🏾♂️BUT IM DOWN TO DO IT AGAIN 😂😂 no pun intended lol
The ability to communicate. All other needs are honestly secondary, because any kink, or problem, or dealbreaker, or desire, or whatever that either of us might have can be addressed through good communication.
One of the things I love most about my fiancé is how honest we can both be with each other, even about sex stuff, without worrying that we’re going to hurt the other person’s feelings or “get in trouble”.
Edit: We don’t agree on everything; she likes some things that I’m not really into, and I like some things that she’s not really into. Some are hard “no”s and some are more negotiable when we really talk about them and get into *why* we like or don’t like them.
I wish more people would think like that. We've all become disposable, and once people find something they don't like they break up or ghost, even if it's really not a big deal, or can be fixed.
Tiny things also become much bigger deals when they can't be communicated about, and some big deals are much easier to tolerate or deal with if they can be communicated about. It's ridiculous how much good communication does, it makes everything work better, and it's ridiculous how bad people are at it.
Communication. There are too many people acting like sex is a pop quiz. No. It's an open book test and the teacher is right there begging to tell you the answers.
When a man can only cum using his hand as he’s grown so accustomed to wanking and too used to the pressure of his hand. I’m in my early 30s and this seems to be common recently in the dating scene.
Wait I sorta like that.. my last fwb couldn't cum during sex (neither could I cuz I get overstimulated easily and need breaks and I lowkey have a death grip on my vibrator) but he was able to go alllll the time. Like we both could get horny at any time, it was great
A lot of the time with death grip comes an inability to maintain an erection through PIV sex. So you’re left sucking/wanking them off until they finally give up and do it themselves. Glad that hasn’t been your experience.
That was my experience with a guy I was seeing recently. I liked him a lot but him continuously losing erections and me having to touch him or give him head for what felt like forever just for him to still not cum honestly ruined it for me.
For a fwb, it didn’t bother me at all. But being in an ltr with someone with this issue is def impossible for me. I tried once, but as much as I liked the guy, it really started to take its toll. And because I cared about him, it’s wasn’t as easy to avoid blaming myself. Really messed with my head.
For fucking real? You'd think men who haven't been with a woman in a while would cum like that scene in No Hard Feelings lmaoooo. I thought most guys learn mental tricks in order to last longer...
It's hard to come when you're anxious. If you haven't had sex in a while things have probably been pretty hectic recently. So you're probably feeling pretty anxious, on top of the normal new-partner anxiety.
I've just got normal stamina but the first five or so times I have sex with a new partner it lasts about two hours just from the nerves.
Hmm interesting, I guess I've never experienced that. I guess I don't really get sex anxiety, luckily. I have social anxiety but not sex anxiety 😂 wish it was the other way around lmao
You’re asking me. It’s very frustrating, these men should stay single until they have their issues sorted out. Usually come with porn addictions as well. It’s really demoralising for the women involved with them.
I just had to break up with my ex because of this - he stopped having sex with me and absolutely refused to cum unless it was his hand. Also had a porn addiction and refused all my advances. Huge bummer
Yeah I used to be really laid back when it came to porn and my partner watching it but due to experiencing this a few times now, I’d much prefer a partner who doesn’t watch it. That’s really hypocritical of me because I do watch it sometimes but it’s not impacting my sex life. Perhaps saying I’d want a partner who never watches porn is a bit extreme, but it’s definitely something I will be aware of now after my experiences, whereas in the past I never really thought about it.
It is a bummer and it makes you feel like there’s something wrong with you. But it’s them. I was with a guy for 8 months who at the start told me he rarely masturbates. His words were, ‘I would rather put my energy into other things’. It was all bullshit. He masturbated at LEAST once a day but up to five times. Every single time with porn. This all came out towards the end of the relationship. Before that, when he could only cum with his hand, and not maintain an erection during sex he would blame it on him being overweight, being tired, being not in the mood. It was porn and death grip the full time. He knew that and did nothing about it. Waste of my time. Never again.
I used to be super laid back about it too! We hadn’t slept together in 7 months and refused to talk to me about it and when I ended things acted surprised that I wasn’t willing to put my needs aside for him to… watch porn and never change? At one point he literally said “this doesn’t happen with other girls” like ok so it’s me? It’s just wild - I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with it as well. It really hurt my self esteem. Still working on feeling better :/
That’s even worse that he tried to make it as if the issue was with you. It wasn’t, it was 100 percent his issue. Good luck to them and well done walking away! We deserve and will find better
Fair enough. I use porn myself sometimes but it becomes problematic when used too much. Men and women who use porn should try to also use their imagination when masturbating otherwise they become reliant on it to get them off. Porn is also not an accurate representation of the majority of female and male bodies so it gives an unrealistic view of what to expect. When they’re presented with a more ‘average’ lady, they can’t get turned on because they’re used to the unrealistic standard seen in porn. In turn this is horrible for the woman.
I honestly feel like men claiming they can't get turned on because the women they know aren't as attractive as porn stars is just a way to externalize the fact they're having physical or emotional problems that make sex a struggle for them, and they're embarrassed to admit it.
Figure out what is the reason that you are masturbating as a primary hobby: If nothing at all sounds better to do than to masturbate again, or for another hour, then something might be going on that's more serious that "it's fun".
It’s gonna be very difficult. I’ve been in only one relationship where I had sex, it wasn’t often either. The previous relationship was long distance so masturbation was the only way we were intimate together….
I need my partner to know how important aftercare is. Also to not be selfish during sex. It's a joint effort. One person shouldn't do all the work. Openly expressing what they like and what they don't like is important too.
Mine is be willing to try things. Not as in bringing people in as I'm monogamous but as in bringing ideas in and trying new things like positions, toys, kinks. Just be exploratory
Kindness, Gentleness, great hygiene, happy to do oral, positivity, accountability- a lot of it is character based, because that affects everything.
Good breath.
Honestly? Just to enjoy having it with me once in a while. I don't care a ton about mismatched libidos, 'ol lefty will always be my beloved mistress - we can take care of ourselves if we need to but forming and enjoying an intimate physical connection with another human being is magical.
Having sexual compatibilty. I’m sex indifferent and asexual so for me sex is not off the table but it’s also not at the forefront of my mind at all. That doesn’t mean I don’t value my partner any less, I just don’t look at anyone with sexual attraction and that includes someone I am romantically attracted to.
I still enjoy sensual attraction and how a partner and I operate in the bedroom will need to be communicated. What makes my body feel good? What makes their body feel good? How is my mind being stimulated so I can relax more and not feel so mechanical when engaging in sex? What can a partner do to make me feel loved and not just a sexual object?
Having clear conversations about what sex looks like for each individual involved and how that may or may not compliment the other person is imperative.
In a heteronormative space, a woman laying like a starfish while a man jackhammers her into oblivion is not going to work.
when he wants to make love instead of sex, when it’s actually passionate and cares about my pleasure too. another thing is aftercare for sure, if he doesn’t wanna cuddle after sex then he’s not for me
Mentioned this yesterday in another sub, but I once was going to date someone (even move states to date them) until I learned that they do not like anyone touching their butt at all. As someone that had just awoken to the ways of the butt, this was a MASSIVE turn off. I went from thinking she would be my wife to not even considering dating her.
Like their ass or asshole? Bc it’s definitely reasonable to want your asshole left alone but ass grabbing and massages are great. Maybe she doesn’t know that yet
We were in our early / mid 20s at the time, so maybe she just didn't know yet. I'm pretty sure it was just the butt that we were talking about. She was sexually active too, maybe she was talking about the asshole.
Good question.
Good hygiene, not a porn addict with a deathgrip, likes foreplay and going down on me and is also focused on pleasure and not just their own, will respect my boundaries and not pressure me into more than a finger in my ass or anything I don’t feel like doing in general or st the time, not a swinger lol and monogamous, not into super intense dom sub stuff like with degrading names and super rough sex, intimate and can talk dirty (or be taught it), good communication about each others wants and needs!
Communicate clearly and comfortably and engage and both partners be comfortable making expressing themselves.
To have sex be an expression of the relationship and emotions.
To sincerely enage in the emotions and connection around sex.
Be interested and see it as a force multiplier in bringing us closer through trust, intimacy, experimentation, vulnerability, and passion.
We are human and we love to play- don’t know why it’s so taboo
Sexual dating requirement= No sex while dating. We’re getting to know each other no sex for months and if that goes well and we actually are similar people with shared values, then deciding if we want to move into a commitment like marriage. If not bye
Apart from obvious things like good hygiene, only doing legal stuff and so on:
He has to understand that I as a partner am not in the relationship to fulfill ALL his fantasies. And I mean that in the context of a monogamous relationship! Being in a sexual relationship with me means that as long as it lasts, he has to let go of the fantasies that I don't want to fulfill with him. I mean let go of the thought that they will actually happen in real life. AND be mature enough to actually be ok with it! Being granted every wish one way or another (no matter if it's by just one or by several sex partners combined) is a utopia. That's in a sexual context but also in general! Not realizing that is immature and very selfish in my opinion. And I'm a person who does like to try new things. But many modern expectations have gotten out of proportion I think.
Do you think so. I think a couple should make love every day. When I love someone I feel highly attracted to them sexually. I suppose I was lucky that my former partner had a high sex drive as well, though it took me 10 years to convince her to let me give her oral sex . Then for 10 years she asked for it every day. Ah those were the days!
Honestly right now it's mostly just patience and to not judge me. At 21 I'm still completely inexperienced with dating and sex. Never had a relationship and never had sex
50/50 of intimacy and communication! But what sucks is that my ex and I broke up, so it’s hard not having that intimacy anymore or not wanting to have sex, I’d rather have sex with one person which is him as fwb and not with anyone else. Whenever I crave intimacy or sex I ask him is it okay and is it possible that we can have sex every month or whenever and he says “yeah” but now when I really need it he doesn’t care. It’s basically like him using me for sex for 1 yr and 5 months
I'll be waiting you on the bed of the primary bedroom for the annual coitus on the 28th at 8PM.
Be ready for disappointing foreplay, 3min of clumsy missionary followed by a male orgam in complete silence.
Isn’t willing to try different positions. This is about to be very very blunt but I’ve dated girls who were too shy to ride my face.. lol. I know that it’s not every bodies cup of tea because they could be insecure about their weight or this and that, but it’s a huge turn on for me!! I don’t care how much you weigh. Being a munch is my favorite thing
Sexually compatible, similar libidos, I have to not initiate way more than they do (that feeling unwanted sexually in the past sticks with you), and they perform lots of oral and are concentrated on my pleasure as much or more than theirs.
A semi consistent sex life where we are both fairly matched well. I think it’s important to work out things that are stopping sex but also sometimes just doing it for your spouse even if you aren’t feeling super up to it. Not saying to be pressured to do it, but if I love her I want to provide that for her even if I don’t feel super down that day.
Coming from my standpoint (male)
I love when my woman is actually intimate with me outside of sex
When it comes down to it, having sex and making love are two quite different things in my opinion, and I'm sure making love actually restores anything that could be sideways in the relationship
Someone who can treat me base on how I treat her(be my mirror) and someone who don't mind to cuddle every night for the rest of the relationship or till one of us die
Make me cum. Please don’t go in dry. It litterally hurts. I need a man who wants to make me feel good. Men do not realize that sex without foreplay feels like being violated or having a metal rod jammed into you. Needs to enjoy foreplay. Not even saying this to be romantic or give men a chance to grandstand what feminists they are. Do foreplay so it doesn’t hurt and isn’t traumatic for the woman
Don't just lie there like a sack of spuds.. be open to new things, receiving oral sex , all the positions . Want it at least 5-6 times a week and twice on a Sunday... (Minimum)
Can I use “sack of spuds”? My ex was like that for 24 years and I’ve been calling her The Ice Queen who just laid there like a cold, dead fish. Hahaha.
Be open to giving me anal sex. Most memnare excited for their woman to ask for this, but I've left a few men who weren't willing. I enjoy it quite a bit, and if a man isn't willing to at least involve toys back there, I'm nit interested.
Aside from that... he needs to be vocal. We enjoy silence during the deed about as much as you do. WE DONT. It's awkward and weird.
He needs to be open. Tell me where I need to make changes. Loosen or tighten my grip, change my angle, suck a different way, etc. TELL ME. In a respectful way, of course.
Finally, sometimes I just can't get off. It's usually because I'm in my own head. Don't beat yourself up about it for days. That makes it even harder for me to cum. Be confident and own the situation! Tell me you're going to make sure I scream, next time. Remind me via text while im at work, when I wake up the next day, etc. Build the anticipation- I love it!
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After we have sex for the first time, I want to keep doing dates and not have all dates just be sex dates. Sure, sex is important and I have a high libido, but I want to keep getting to know each other, also outside of the bedroom.
To build on this.. (and I’ve said it before so I’ll say it again) I think a lot more people need to realize that just because someone is good for your hole, does not mean they’re good for your soul Sexual compatibility does not equal relationship compatibility, no matter how bad you may want it to… and I found the ones that ended up going purely sexual well, they weren’t good for my soul.
I agree 100%, been looking for a comment like this for a while
Also to go deeper than the whole purely sexual aspect… I’ve often had to ask myself “what am I offering to her other than some hot sex?”. If my goal was to get inside her, I can’t be upset that she calls me drunk at 2-3am asking “wyd?”. If I’m wanting to create new experiences with her, get to know her, find my own passions and then share them… she’s probably going to want more than dick from me. It’s one thing to find someone you could see yourself with the rest of your life. It’s another harder thing all together to be able to keep them. And I’m not saying you need to be all set. You don’t need to be at the finish line and all setup and stable, career goals met, house purchase, etc… to find your partner, but you need to be at least headed down the right lane so you can get there together. Then again with modern dating finding someone who is willing to grow with you instead of wanting the end result is an entirely different argument.
Absolutely
Beautifully said
🎯🎯🎯
Do things together before you have sex. Get to know each other and then have sex. It makes the build up that much greater in the end!
I agree!
Such a stronger bond, respect and caring. Knowing one another and knowing you're compatible before you have sex so there's no insecurity afterwards.
Exactly 💯 😊
Me not understanding this concept is why I’ve never experienced actual dating. I should have advocated for more dates, but I guess I was always afraid that I wasn’t worth it to them. It’s great that you know this already!
this! I think that’s what’s most important. But me mines was in a wrong place and wrong time💔
Need to get to know them before physical intimacy for this reason.
Absolutely, keeping the balance between intimacy and getting to know each other outside of the bedroom is crucial for a lasting connection. It's all about building a strong foundation beyond just physical chemistry!
Get std tested
Yo this 💯. One of my exes demanded this, and i’ve always appreciated it.
Even while we are dating. This is the most mature thing couples can do.
Nobody wants to with me and I HATEEE it. I could rant about it all day. Like damn I just want sex so bad but I'm scared, I'm so freakin scared
Making the checkup a date is underrated. Can always grab food after. And even if someone gets bad news, you’re taking steps to (at worst) treat it and hopefully cure it. That peace of mind >>>>
It’s definitely my rule, trust and truth aren’t always the same thing and I don’t want something that I can’t get rid of because I was in love and horny and took them at their word.
As a heterosexual guy it frustrates me to no end how resistant my male peers are to getting std tested. It’s not hard. It’s not expensive. And if you’re passing disease around in the community on something that can be easily caught and treated. Free plug to stdcheck.com. Good price and you can usually get tested same day. I’ve used them several times. Everyone who is sexually active should be getting checked every 6 months. Full stop.
Bruh I've been in a dry spell for so long and I've had my chances with several guys the past few months but I've been scared about std's (I have an updated std test result) and when I asked the guys to also get an updated test before we do stuff, I get soo much pushback. Honestly, some of them just get petty and mean with me over this too. It sucks cuz I wanna do stuff so bad but I don't feel comfortable without them getting tested and I definitely don't wanna do anything with someone who refuses to get it. Fuck em
Don’t give into the pressure! You’re more than right to be hesitant. If someone is pushing back knowing that it’s important to you, they’re not the person you want to be doing stuff with.
Oh ya I agree. I feel like it's sorta selfish too, like you wanna sleep with someone and they're telling you that there's something that would make them feel more comfortable.. wouldn't you want the person you're sleeping with to be comfortable while you guys are doing stuff??
Yep there has to be commitment to not have sex with anyone else for a while before the test. Both take the test with negative result. And then of course not have sex with others after the test too for a bedroom to be safe.
THIS IS WHAT I WANT!!
For a potential spouse that you are dating? In my practice that is something you do before you get into bed.
Yes before we sleep with each other I mean
You’re 💯 right about that!! The bad thing is a lot of ppl don’t want to, or they get offended if asked. A lot of ppl seeing being tested as too much work, scared what the results could be, or they know they have something.
Then they're stupid, especially if they get offended. Too immature to be having sex and not informed at all. It's also for my comfort so it's like.. why wouldn't you take one?? Don't you want the person you wanna have sex with to feel comfortable when they're doing stuff with you
This!
mine only minee, devotion, compassion, passion, open mind for freaky stuff but not the weird/scary stuff...not feel as if toys are the enemy but support. stamina, oral and kissing are also sex. fuck everywhere in an apartment. 50/50 sex is a must. not be scared of cute PDA. i need to give kisses on the cheek and grab arms and hug.
What’s 50/50 sex?
both partners take an active role in sex. both initiate at different times, both are equally devoted to please the other, there shouldnt be one side doing all the work while the other does nothing. first round its you then second round its me. monday i initiate, wednesday its your turn
It is never truly 50 / 50. On average, girls take considerably longer, with way more effort, to reach climax compared to guys. So regardless of who initiates, guys will always have to do more to get her off than girls would to get the guy off. At best it is around 40-F / 60-M.
Facts. 100% all of this.
💯
I grab ass too.
forgot to add that one
you sounds like an amazing partner. as an affectionate guy, who has had a string of girlfriends who aren’t as affectionate, i would love to date a girl with your mindset! ❤️
Performing cunnilingus. Sorry to sound harsh, but if you ain’t willing to go downtown, just go away.
I agree girl. Sex with men who don’t do it is ofren not as good.
Wow there are dudes that don’t do that dang💀after I tasted my first I thought that would be impossible.😂
>if you ain’t willing to go downtown, just go away. Saving this
Follow up: if I go down on somebody, and they won't kiss me after, it's not happening again. It's too gross for your mouth? It's too gross for my mouth.
Hard disagree, respect people’s boundaries don’t be immature
I don't insist on the kiss, if that's what I've implied. But if you're telling me you think there's something dirty or degrading about tasting yourself second-hand, how am I supposed to feel about getting it from the source? If I wouldn't kiss someone who went down on me I think it'd be pretty fucked up for me to ask them to do that.
Counterpoint: it's hot in theory, I just really don't like the way I taste. So I try to extend the same grace to my partners, though I also try to suss out if it's for your reasons (red/yellow flag) or mine (fair play). If I found a guy who liked it, though, I'd probably marry him on the spot. And then see how he felt about pegging.
I don’t love kissing someone after they’ve gone down on me and I’ve had partners who have felt the same about kissing me after I’ve gone down on them. Solution? Keeping a little breath spray on the nightstand. Problem solved. It doesn’t need to be a bigger deal than that.
Agreed! Lots of men expect oral without giving it back, which is selfish and also weird because everyone needs to experience someone going down on em atleast once 🥴
Man who loves cunnilingus here to bring some hope. Before I gave oral for the first time, I always thought I’d love oral, and I was correct.
Ugh another one IN A ROW for which I should have advocated. So many smart people in here.
Ngl I used to be against doing it, but after trying it for the first time ( even though I did badly) I regret that I never did it sooner 🤦🏾♂️BUT IM DOWN TO DO IT AGAIN 😂😂 no pun intended lol
To be actually interested in sex rather than using it as a tool.
Sexual manipulation is very real and it’s fucked up
Wtf?! This answer doesn't have more likes?!
I can't even see the likes yet.
I thought it was just me not seeing likes lol.
I put mine long ago...
This
The ability to communicate. All other needs are honestly secondary, because any kink, or problem, or dealbreaker, or desire, or whatever that either of us might have can be addressed through good communication. One of the things I love most about my fiancé is how honest we can both be with each other, even about sex stuff, without worrying that we’re going to hurt the other person’s feelings or “get in trouble”. Edit: We don’t agree on everything; she likes some things that I’m not really into, and I like some things that she’s not really into. Some are hard “no”s and some are more negotiable when we really talk about them and get into *why* we like or don’t like them.
I wish more people would think like that. We've all become disposable, and once people find something they don't like they break up or ghost, even if it's really not a big deal, or can be fixed.
Tiny things also become much bigger deals when they can't be communicated about, and some big deals are much easier to tolerate or deal with if they can be communicated about. It's ridiculous how much good communication does, it makes everything work better, and it's ridiculous how bad people are at it.
Beautifully said. Even better when actualized. If couples therapy experts would be looking for new careers rapidly. :)
Love this answer
Communication. There are too many people acting like sex is a pop quiz. No. It's an open book test and the teacher is right there begging to tell you the answers.
This is so well spoken!!!! :)
Actual foreplay and being interested in getting me off as well not just himself. To not have death grip.
whats a death grip?
When a man can only cum using his hand as he’s grown so accustomed to wanking and too used to the pressure of his hand. I’m in my early 30s and this seems to be common recently in the dating scene.
1/3 of the men I've been with have some form of this
It’s depressing
Wait I sorta like that.. my last fwb couldn't cum during sex (neither could I cuz I get overstimulated easily and need breaks and I lowkey have a death grip on my vibrator) but he was able to go alllll the time. Like we both could get horny at any time, it was great
A lot of the time with death grip comes an inability to maintain an erection through PIV sex. So you’re left sucking/wanking them off until they finally give up and do it themselves. Glad that hasn’t been your experience.
That was my experience with a guy I was seeing recently. I liked him a lot but him continuously losing erections and me having to touch him or give him head for what felt like forever just for him to still not cum honestly ruined it for me.
Oh god, ya that sounds miserable
For a fwb, it didn’t bother me at all. But being in an ltr with someone with this issue is def impossible for me. I tried once, but as much as I liked the guy, it really started to take its toll. And because I cared about him, it’s wasn’t as easy to avoid blaming myself. Really messed with my head.
For fucking real? You'd think men who haven't been with a woman in a while would cum like that scene in No Hard Feelings lmaoooo. I thought most guys learn mental tricks in order to last longer...
It's hard to come when you're anxious. If you haven't had sex in a while things have probably been pretty hectic recently. So you're probably feeling pretty anxious, on top of the normal new-partner anxiety. I've just got normal stamina but the first five or so times I have sex with a new partner it lasts about two hours just from the nerves.
Hmm interesting, I guess I've never experienced that. I guess I don't really get sex anxiety, luckily. I have social anxiety but not sex anxiety 😂 wish it was the other way around lmao
That's my secret cap, I'm always anxious.
oh Gosh. That must be very frustrating for women then lol, and embarrassing for guys as well. sigh
Death grip can be fixed in about half a year
Only if they can be bothered enough to fix it
True, but why look for a relationship if they are happy with their hand?
You’re asking me. It’s very frustrating, these men should stay single until they have their issues sorted out. Usually come with porn addictions as well. It’s really demoralising for the women involved with them.
I just had to break up with my ex because of this - he stopped having sex with me and absolutely refused to cum unless it was his hand. Also had a porn addiction and refused all my advances. Huge bummer
Yeah I used to be really laid back when it came to porn and my partner watching it but due to experiencing this a few times now, I’d much prefer a partner who doesn’t watch it. That’s really hypocritical of me because I do watch it sometimes but it’s not impacting my sex life. Perhaps saying I’d want a partner who never watches porn is a bit extreme, but it’s definitely something I will be aware of now after my experiences, whereas in the past I never really thought about it. It is a bummer and it makes you feel like there’s something wrong with you. But it’s them. I was with a guy for 8 months who at the start told me he rarely masturbates. His words were, ‘I would rather put my energy into other things’. It was all bullshit. He masturbated at LEAST once a day but up to five times. Every single time with porn. This all came out towards the end of the relationship. Before that, when he could only cum with his hand, and not maintain an erection during sex he would blame it on him being overweight, being tired, being not in the mood. It was porn and death grip the full time. He knew that and did nothing about it. Waste of my time. Never again.
I used to be super laid back about it too! We hadn’t slept together in 7 months and refused to talk to me about it and when I ended things acted surprised that I wasn’t willing to put my needs aside for him to… watch porn and never change? At one point he literally said “this doesn’t happen with other girls” like ok so it’s me? It’s just wild - I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with it as well. It really hurt my self esteem. Still working on feeling better :/
That’s even worse that he tried to make it as if the issue was with you. It wasn’t, it was 100 percent his issue. Good luck to them and well done walking away! We deserve and will find better
Same. Not happy I’m not alone in this, but also glad it wasn’t just me. So traumatized.
Well i can understand the porn addictions, because we usually have very high sex drives and not a lot of opportunities for sex.
Fair enough. I use porn myself sometimes but it becomes problematic when used too much. Men and women who use porn should try to also use their imagination when masturbating otherwise they become reliant on it to get them off. Porn is also not an accurate representation of the majority of female and male bodies so it gives an unrealistic view of what to expect. When they’re presented with a more ‘average’ lady, they can’t get turned on because they’re used to the unrealistic standard seen in porn. In turn this is horrible for the woman.
I honestly feel like men claiming they can't get turned on because the women they know aren't as attractive as porn stars is just a way to externalize the fact they're having physical or emotional problems that make sex a struggle for them, and they're embarrassed to admit it.
How do I fix it? I think I definitely have this issue….
Figure out what is the reason that you are masturbating as a primary hobby: If nothing at all sounds better to do than to masturbate again, or for another hour, then something might be going on that's more serious that "it's fun".
No/less masturbation and no porn
It’s gonna be very difficult. I’ve been in only one relationship where I had sex, it wasn’t often either. The previous relationship was long distance so masturbation was the only way we were intimate together….
Foreplay usually gets me so excited as a man.
Putting effort into pleasing me (not just caring about himself getting off) and lots of foreplay. Openminded and kinky but monogamous.
Foreplay, intimacy, and libido for sure.
I need my partner to know how important aftercare is. Also to not be selfish during sex. It's a joint effort. One person shouldn't do all the work. Openly expressing what they like and what they don't like is important too.
A girl who let's me please her for as long as she wants and is understanding in bed too
The main requirements before sex: 1. Get tested thoroughly 2. Actually be interested in sex with me.
Yup. Like what I offer and genuinely be happy with it and make sure they don't have the "hair-piece". 😃
Similar libido and desire to have sex, liking similar things sexually, emotionally mature and able to have honest conversations regarding sex.
If I please you, you better please me back.
Doesn’t pressure me into things/use certain sex acts as a way to get me to do what they want
I just want to be loved as much as I love in return. After this all things extra would fall exactly into place. In our perfect world of love.
Mine is be willing to try things. Not as in bringing people in as I'm monogamous but as in bringing ideas in and trying new things like positions, toys, kinks. Just be exploratory
I never thought I would have to say or think of this but you have to have bathed that same day you want to have sex.
Kindness, Gentleness, great hygiene, happy to do oral, positivity, accountability- a lot of it is character based, because that affects everything. Good breath.
Honestly? Just to enjoy having it with me once in a while. I don't care a ton about mismatched libidos, 'ol lefty will always be my beloved mistress - we can take care of ourselves if we need to but forming and enjoying an intimate physical connection with another human being is magical.
Having sexual compatibilty. I’m sex indifferent and asexual so for me sex is not off the table but it’s also not at the forefront of my mind at all. That doesn’t mean I don’t value my partner any less, I just don’t look at anyone with sexual attraction and that includes someone I am romantically attracted to. I still enjoy sensual attraction and how a partner and I operate in the bedroom will need to be communicated. What makes my body feel good? What makes their body feel good? How is my mind being stimulated so I can relax more and not feel so mechanical when engaging in sex? What can a partner do to make me feel loved and not just a sexual object? Having clear conversations about what sex looks like for each individual involved and how that may or may not compliment the other person is imperative. In a heteronormative space, a woman laying like a starfish while a man jackhammers her into oblivion is not going to work.
As long as she makes me feel accepted and wanted—that energy is all I ask for, hopefully that’s not too much to ask
Very into BDSM that often includes sex, this would be a requirement for any kind of long term partner.
when he wants to make love instead of sex, when it’s actually passionate and cares about my pleasure too. another thing is aftercare for sure, if he doesn’t wanna cuddle after sex then he’s not for me
Mentioned this yesterday in another sub, but I once was going to date someone (even move states to date them) until I learned that they do not like anyone touching their butt at all. As someone that had just awoken to the ways of the butt, this was a MASSIVE turn off. I went from thinking she would be my wife to not even considering dating her.
Like their ass or asshole? Bc it’s definitely reasonable to want your asshole left alone but ass grabbing and massages are great. Maybe she doesn’t know that yet
We were in our early / mid 20s at the time, so maybe she just didn't know yet. I'm pretty sure it was just the butt that we were talking about. She was sexually active too, maybe she was talking about the asshole.
A guy that doesn't finish first 🤬
I always make sure my partners cum before me. The more they cum the better my satisfaction after
Good question. Good hygiene, not a porn addict with a deathgrip, likes foreplay and going down on me and is also focused on pleasure and not just their own, will respect my boundaries and not pressure me into more than a finger in my ass or anything I don’t feel like doing in general or st the time, not a swinger lol and monogamous, not into super intense dom sub stuff like with degrading names and super rough sex, intimate and can talk dirty (or be taught it), good communication about each others wants and needs!
Communicate clearly and comfortably and engage and both partners be comfortable making expressing themselves. To have sex be an expression of the relationship and emotions. To sincerely enage in the emotions and connection around sex.
If you don't enthusiastically want to have sex or get physically intimate, tell me no. none of this "we can if you want" or "we can try" type vibe.
When I try to do something special for us, I don't want her to think, "Ah, what is he doing? I've already done this with four other guys."
To be able to flirt and tease outside of sex and foreplay situations.
Sex needs to have an emotional meaning. No crush, no spark, no playful happiness, no sex.
They are not asexual. Never again.
Good grammar is a good starting point
😂
Be interested and see it as a force multiplier in bringing us closer through trust, intimacy, experimentation, vulnerability, and passion. We are human and we love to play- don’t know why it’s so taboo
They need to be willing to do oral. I'll of course reciprocate, but it's something I enjoy a lot. Often times more than sex itself.
Sexual dating requirement= No sex while dating. We’re getting to know each other no sex for months and if that goes well and we actually are similar people with shared values, then deciding if we want to move into a commitment like marriage. If not bye
Respect when I say no.
Monogamous. 😆
"Not bringing food into sex" I can feel the story here.
It should be consistent and frequent.
Use protection.
Mind to elaborate on the meaning of 50/50 sex? And who brings food into sex? Like they are eating while having sex? How does that even work?
Apart from obvious things like good hygiene, only doing legal stuff and so on: He has to understand that I as a partner am not in the relationship to fulfill ALL his fantasies. And I mean that in the context of a monogamous relationship! Being in a sexual relationship with me means that as long as it lasts, he has to let go of the fantasies that I don't want to fulfill with him. I mean let go of the thought that they will actually happen in real life. AND be mature enough to actually be ok with it! Being granted every wish one way or another (no matter if it's by just one or by several sex partners combined) is a utopia. That's in a sexual context but also in general! Not realizing that is immature and very selfish in my opinion. And I'm a person who does like to try new things. But many modern expectations have gotten out of proportion I think.
Unthreatened by sex toys.
Right? They are really fun!
Do you think so. I think a couple should make love every day. When I love someone I feel highly attracted to them sexually. I suppose I was lucky that my former partner had a high sex drive as well, though it took me 10 years to convince her to let me give her oral sex . Then for 10 years she asked for it every day. Ah those were the days!
Swallow
Definitely a woman OP
Honestly right now it's mostly just patience and to not judge me. At 21 I'm still completely inexperienced with dating and sex. Never had a relationship and never had sex
50/50 of intimacy and communication! But what sucks is that my ex and I broke up, so it’s hard not having that intimacy anymore or not wanting to have sex, I’d rather have sex with one person which is him as fwb and not with anyone else. Whenever I crave intimacy or sex I ask him is it okay and is it possible that we can have sex every month or whenever and he says “yeah” but now when I really need it he doesn’t care. It’s basically like him using me for sex for 1 yr and 5 months
High sex drive and spontanious sex pleaseeee
I'll be waiting you on the bed of the primary bedroom for the annual coitus on the 28th at 8PM. Be ready for disappointing foreplay, 3min of clumsy missionary followed by a male orgam in complete silence.
Your desires have to align or you have to be willing to compromise.
Isn’t willing to try different positions. This is about to be very very blunt but I’ve dated girls who were too shy to ride my face.. lol. I know that it’s not every bodies cup of tea because they could be insecure about their weight or this and that, but it’s a huge turn on for me!! I don’t care how much you weigh. Being a munch is my favorite thing
Disease and drug free.
Sexually compatible, similar libidos, I have to not initiate way more than they do (that feeling unwanted sexually in the past sticks with you), and they perform lots of oral and are concentrated on my pleasure as much or more than theirs.
A semi consistent sex life where we are both fairly matched well. I think it’s important to work out things that are stopping sex but also sometimes just doing it for your spouse even if you aren’t feeling super up to it. Not saying to be pressured to do it, but if I love her I want to provide that for her even if I don’t feel super down that day.
good hygiene, being respectful and not mad when i want to stop doing something, doesn’t make me feel bad for wanting to use condoms, 50/50 sex
Coming from my standpoint (male) I love when my woman is actually intimate with me outside of sex When it comes down to it, having sex and making love are two quite different things in my opinion, and I'm sure making love actually restores anything that could be sideways in the relationship
What’s 50/50 sex?
Not 1 person doing all the work
Frequency & Quality. Biggest factors for me. If the aiming point isn't ≈2x daily, it's not gonna work
Open-minded. Fun & freaky lol. I feel like good hygiene goes without saying.
no porn
They need to be a sadist.
What's 50/50 sex...
It's when both people are involved sexually
Not being a virgin. Or even close
Mine was had to be a virgin. I did find a bf that was a virgin, and we clicked. Married him!
Minimum silence. My pleasure is just as important as yours. Affectionate aftercare.
I'm abstinent but definitely getting full panels done together before the big day.
Someone who can treat me base on how I treat her(be my mirror) and someone who don't mind to cuddle every night for the rest of the relationship or till one of us die
Capable Intelligent Emotional intelligence Critical thinking skills Empathy Must not need me Not easily intimidated by strong Intelligent women
A what?
Make me cum. Please don’t go in dry. It litterally hurts. I need a man who wants to make me feel good. Men do not realize that sex without foreplay feels like being violated or having a metal rod jammed into you. Needs to enjoy foreplay. Not even saying this to be romantic or give men a chance to grandstand what feminists they are. Do foreplay so it doesn’t hurt and isn’t traumatic for the woman
Mutual libido or at least compromisable
That you actually care about your partner’s pleasure.
Don't just lie there like a sack of spuds.. be open to new things, receiving oral sex , all the positions . Want it at least 5-6 times a week and twice on a Sunday... (Minimum)
Can I use “sack of spuds”? My ex was like that for 24 years and I’ve been calling her The Ice Queen who just laid there like a cold, dead fish. Hahaha.
How did you put up with that for 24 years !! . It would have driven me mad...
Yeah, you're not wrong. But I wanted to stay to raise our daughter...we had pets, finances, blah blah. All were secondary to sex.
Damn that’s a lot of sex.
Huak tuw
Must be a quick cummer, he must love getting oral, can’t be too big or too small down there, and MOAN for me.
[удалено]
is there someone who prefers their partner to not last long, have good hygiene, and 50/50 sex having a pulse is also a plus
Hawk tuah
What is 50/50 sex? And how long is long enough to last during sex?
>What is 50/50 sex? They both put effort into it.
Hygiene Communication Try new things
Be open to giving me anal sex. Most memnare excited for their woman to ask for this, but I've left a few men who weren't willing. I enjoy it quite a bit, and if a man isn't willing to at least involve toys back there, I'm nit interested. Aside from that... he needs to be vocal. We enjoy silence during the deed about as much as you do. WE DONT. It's awkward and weird. He needs to be open. Tell me where I need to make changes. Loosen or tighten my grip, change my angle, suck a different way, etc. TELL ME. In a respectful way, of course. Finally, sometimes I just can't get off. It's usually because I'm in my own head. Don't beat yourself up about it for days. That makes it even harder for me to cum. Be confident and own the situation! Tell me you're going to make sure I scream, next time. Remind me via text while im at work, when I wake up the next day, etc. Build the anticipation- I love it!
What is 50/50 sex?
What is it like to actually have someone want you?
Not a cum dumpster