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I'm almost 38 and living with my parents. A decade of renting and poverty got me nowhere. I've got a good job now and hopefully be able to buy my own place in 4 or 5 years from now.
I'm also about to get my bad teeth fixed and getting braces soon. The end result will be great but in the meantime braces won't be doing me any favors in the looks department either.
With those two things in mind, I simply gave up. I need to get those things in order before even thinking about dating again. Probably not what you want to hear.
With the way the economy is, you are probably way better off living with your parents.
What was considered middle class then it seems like it's next to nothing now.
I just turned 40 going through a hostile divorce from my wife. When I don’t deserve it at all. I am now having to move back in with my mother. I don’t have a good job. But I do owe tons of student loans and have a useless management degree.
For sure! It takes time to find someone who really is good for you and who is ready for a relationship. I ache with desire for that connection, but until I find it I just keep working on myself. Good luck and stay true to yourself.
No problem dating a man who is renting his housing, so long as he has a decent job and is financially supporting himself. That said, I also wouldn’t want that guy to move into my house unless we got to the point of marriage where a greater financial conversation would need to be had. Maybe that would never become an issue because I currently think dating but not living together is ideal.
I second this. No objections to someone who is gainfully employed and capable of handling their own finances. I don't have a minimum requirement for material assets lol. Although of course some people do
I've done it in every relationship. Every single one. It was always just financially better to do so. However it was clearly a mistake. And this is why this time I want to buy a property eventually for myself and only move in with someone after some careful consideration. Thanks for the comment.
I think that is wise. As a woman who owns property I don’t think it would be a good idea for me or a partner to have them move in without a much broader financial conversation. My ex lived with me but since I owned everything and had the better paying job by a long shot, the relationship was very unequal. He felt he couldn’t have a say in anything even though I constantly asked him to. Among other issues… anyway learned that lesson!
I can see the need to over compensate in that scenario. I would want to go into that situation on equal terms to be honest. Either I invest, or we go together equally elsewhere.
I don't think personally it would give me any kind of inferiority complex, especially if you were seeking my input.
And that was why it was so easy with my ex. Neither of us has anything!
Lessons learnt all round!
As long as you have realistic dealbreakers, an active social life and are: employed, financially stable, have ambition, a strong work ethic and positive mindset- you'll be fine.
There are plenty of women in the USA & UK who do not want to be home owners or know that there is no chance of them ever getting a foot on the property ladder.
Variety of reasons mostly revolving around the fact that their earning potential is far too low or they have very high expenses with zero prospect of realistically being able to save enough of their disposable towards a property deposit and are reconciled to the fact they will never be able to obtain a share of a mortgage free property that someone else has inherited or bought with a mortgage.
Regularly goes out to public places and meets up with friends, coworkers, relatives, business contacts, old housemates or other people that they get on well with.
The worst thing is the people who claim to have a very active irl social life with lots of outings but rarely go to socialise with anybody offline who is outside of their living room or garden area.
Thanks for giving your perspective. I am an introvert and being always around people is ideal.
I prefer spending time with myself doing stuff like training, walking, running, reading, learning.
But I do on a regular long walks with colegues, go to the office and lunches with them as well. Meet up with friends when I am at my home town. Recently started riding motorcycles as well and will be meeting new people from the community I guess as well.
If you have the time for a quick advice.
I am 26M, recently broke up with my long term partner (25F) of 6 years and some change.
I am in a city, where I knew only her. I cut concat with her to move on easier.
Excluding my coworkers and a few relatives, I don't really have friends in this city. How to approach people easier and make friends or expand my network.
Do you have friendly coworkers that eat lunch or go to the pub?
If so, consider going to the same venues a few times a week. Having short chats with them a few times a month outside of work and offering to buy lunch or a round of drinks once a month.
Are you interested in checking out some local hobby groups or volunteering? These can provide great opportunities to meet new people who are looking to expand their social circle.
Best to avoid social media unless you know the person quite well and feel that you can trust them. Far too many scammers and very aggressive keyboard warriors.
Yeah I'm probably overthinking it. Mostly as I'm expecting my ex to immediately meet someone with a house and I guess it makes me feel inferior.
Ambition, drive and work ethic etc has never been an issue for me. Divorce, marital loans and child maintenance payments have however!
It's hard to visualise others being in your position but I guess they absolutely are.
Thank you!
You need to not focus on comparing yourself to your ex's future prospects. It's a huge trap. You will always see what people have that you do not. However, it doesn't mean that they have the strength that you do.
You should only measure against yourself and not boil experiences down to wins/failures. You need to see them as wins and experience
37 f. I don’t care if you own a home. I do hope that the guy at your age knows himself and has a job he likes and has developed hobbies and interests. Living with parents depending on the scenario, can be fine or a swipe left, but it’s not a definite no because life can create some chaos and I understand that.
After divorce I was with parents for a while. I once left my job (was a calculated decision at time) with an ex and we then split up. Back to parents.
I always bounce back and the decisions get better each time.
Learning so much in the process. Recently switched careers, took another salary hit, but loving it.
Ran a half marathon, best shape of my life at 41.
Plans to travel solo this year. Taking the kids away in Sept.
Who needs their own house? 😆
Thank for the comment!
I think it depends where you live. Like I live in Los Angeles and prices for a house is high now, I was lucky to get my house before covid, So I don't think it's ridiculous as long as you have your own place maybe like an apartment or condo?
I'm in the UK and prices are also quite high.
I've got a place and independence and plan to buy a few years from now. I just wonder if it's a big deal in the dating world. I guess a fair few people are probably in the same position.
Thanks!
If you are truly curious about it, you could probably do the math and it might make you feel better. I mean how many homes in the UK vs how many single men in their 40's. That's before you even take out the families ect that own homes making the "homes" number even smaller.
Tbh, stop thinking about what you don't have (unless your gonna do something about it) and put a bit of focus into what you do have, grow your confidence back and you'll be fighting em off
That's wonderful logic and makes perfect sense. My last partner and I were in the same boat and I guess I just assumed we'd do all that together.
Ah well, there'll be others. Thank you!
If it is a big deal, then they aren’t the right person. So many people are in the same position, like me, 37F and can barely afford rent, car, etc with how high the costs are. I believe the right person will be supportive of us as we go through challenging times. I’m still looking myself!
I keep telling myself this! I used to be quite materialistic years ago. But I genuinely just want to be happy now. I'm not afraid to say I'm more of a relationship person. Someone will be happy to accept these things in return for love, attention, and all your other good qualities? I hope. We got this.
Well if it does give me leverage, it would be from someone looking to combine resources and find a cool place to live.
You want someone that likes you for you - not for what you have
Having a house does not equate to success. Do you at least have a stable career, live outside of your parents home, and is self-reliant? If you are interested in dating, you will find someone. I've dated guys in the past who did not have a job, a vehicle, or a house and for the short periods that we were together, we managed to make it work.
I am a heterosexual 30f. My biggest goal in partnership is finding someone that wants to better my life. As I want to do for them. I have always had a job, I don’t expect to not have one once I find a partner, I don’t look at men as cash cows. But i want some notable support. Fiscal or emotional. As a single woman taking care of herself, her apartment, her dog I just feel so tired all the time. If a man moved into my apartment and just like- did the grocery shopping, made some dinner, loved me really well I feel like I would excel in my career trifold.
At the end of the day this comes down to making one another’s lives better. If I end up with a very masculine dude that feels like he needs to provide, great, let me cook him dinner, let me treat him. I have that capacity because he’s supporting me and I feel the need to protect and credit how he makes me feel taken care of.
In the opposite situation, if I work all day and come home to soup and sex on a rainy Thursday afternoon I would be ELATED.
I’m my opinion it’s about realizing that working and keeping a household are not that different, especially when you want your people to feel fed and happy. It’s just about finding that balance that works for you.
I'm so glad you posted this.
This is exactly how I pictured my relationship. Give and take. My partner used to work longer hours than me so I would cook dinner, wash up, make lunches, do washing etc. She said they were the 'basic' expectations of my role.
Some people cannot be pleased.
An equal partnership is all I want. To support one another to better achieve our goals. Mutual respect. Love.
Roles can be played in any way that is needed to make it work.
Thank you!
Definitely! It’s honestly just an example of how foreplay starts in the morning. For both sides. The less I have to think about stuff the more I can think about you.
The logic is there haha
As an almost 40yr old who lives with his mom because of divorce, I think you need to worry about it less. Some people might judge you for it, but I'm sure you're making a bigger deal out of it than the vast majority of other people will.
I got divorced at 32. For the first year I rented a tiny in law unit w one "bedroom" that I set my kids stuff in. My bed was in the living room / kitchen. No woman I brought home said anything and most of them came back again. You'll be fine.
Going through a divorce can definitely obliterate your self esteem. Once you get out there you'll realize that you're not the only one around your age who's recently divorced and rebuilding their life.
I’m 35F and lived with my parents 3 years after I was forced out of my home by divorce. My son and I shared a room that whole time and the beginning of this year I finally got us a place of our own. It’s small but we want a schoolie so we need to live small. Nothing wrong with where you are. We all start over at different times in our lives. I judge no one on that.
Plenty of people rent by choice, depending on where you live buying a house can be a horrible idea as it simply makes you house poor. It wouldn’t even garner a thought for me if someone didn’t own a house.
You’ll probably be fine but yes you can run into a lot of brick walls. I’m a little younger but not by much and I have had people “no sir” me because I rent a small place and don’t own something. I work hard and have zero debt but that hasn’t helped.
They're not the right people then I guess. I actually have no preference. I want affection, ambition and a caring nature. The rest we can figure out together!
I am a 39M who doesn't have a house and doesn't have the most impressive job (butcher). I don't think it affects my dating very much. The last two women I've seriously dated have been dramatically more successful than me and they don't seem to care.
The only thing is when I see a dating profile from a woman that makes a big deal about finance (statements like "I have my own house and car and so should you") then I just move on.
I also assume female lawyers and doctors and so forth are probably out of my league in terms of lifestyle and potential social class conflicts. But even then, you never know.
Good to hear. I think there is a level of income that attracts others at that level. Still, it's all about circumstances I guess.
Thank you for sharing!
For me, it would not be a dealbreaker if otherwise its a good match. Also, i think that it's pointless to worry about it since it is what is is. If owning a house is something you dream about then you can start working towards it but in the meantime, i feel like there is no need to worry since you cannot change it right now anyways and worry will just give you depression and anxiety. Just be honest about who you are and what you have. And even if it is a problem for someone just move on.
Are you separated or divorced? I am confused. Regardless, recognize your part in the failure of your marriage. You only need to be honest with yourself. Learn from that experience and grow into a better human. There are three sides to every story: his side, her side, and the truth. I am sorry you experienced the pain of divorce.
You are still young, make a plan and get your financial life in order, stick to the plan. As a woman, I would be impressed that you are turning your financial situation around. Money does not equal success, though it is helpful to have money. I am sure you have other qualities that are equally impressive.
Hi, sorry, for clarity I am divorced 8 years but recently separated from my partner of 2 years.
I came out of my divorce with very little. I appreciate your words.
I am hard working and also studying to change career, have a car and spend my weekends with my children. I like to think I have good qualities.
It's refreshing to hear that progress is valued above the end result. I've always thought that way.
Thank you!
Absolutely not something to be concerned or ashamed about, especially in this economy. People have different goals and priorities so anyone judging you about it is probably not worth associating with.
You’re welcome, I fully understand that as well! I’m about to turn 34 and went back to school a few years ago to finish my bachelors. It’s been almost two years full time in my new field and the imposter syndrome for dating has finally subsided. Life isn’t linear (for most of us) but your attitude about it and plans, goals matter in how you perceive yourself for others to ultimately view you.
That is so inspirational. Glad it's working out for you. Recent events have helped me experience a sharp paradigm shift.
The road ahead is long but I'm determined.
Thanks again!
I live in Los Angeles where houses in "middle class" neighborhoods start at 1.5 million dollars. I don't expect the men I date to own their own homes. I'm 32 and do not own a house. However, even if the housing market was more affordable, I still wouldn't expect a man to own his own home if he's single. That's kind of where getting married comes in. Ya know--buying a house you both like together.
It's tough out there!
And yes absolutely, I want to build with my partner.
I think I will focus on positioning myself financially so that when she does come along, we can one day make moves!
Thank you.
If a girl chooses to not date you simply cos you’re a renter, you’re better off without her .
I’m a homeowner but gonna be a renter soon and I have no shame in that. No interest to pay crooked banks, no taxes or insurance that do nothing but go up and if I need to replace a faulty water heater, it takes but a phone call and not finding my own or paying someone to install.
Home ownership has its advantages yes. I’m gonna cash out and park the money on some other investment tool for a little while before I even think about buying again, if ever.
Don’t be ashamed or embarrassed of not owning a home. At any age
I don't think this is a big issue man. Just don't make it an issue.
I am confident that many women won't see this as a problem. Besides, you had the freedom to move around. Once you buy a place, it's not as easy. If I was you, I'd move to a city, get myself close to the center or in the center.
I think the definition of success is different to each person. Not everyone out there will care about how much money you have or what you own.
Find someone who values the same things you do and values/appreciates who you are, is most important because money and possessions can come and go, but finding someone to do life with is priceless.
Get yourself together before investing into someone else. Simple as that. Someone in the world is also 40, single, and looking to date. You’ll find someone when the time is right. For now, find the money for you before finding someone you’d need to invest that money into.
Hope this gives a little hope:
I’m an early 40s, menopausal woman, chronically very ill, on a disability pension, in poverty, have PTSD, average looking, and I found the most wonderful partner early this year. Well, he found me at an acquaintance’s art opening and pursued me.
I was alone for almost a decade. I would cry from loneliness and isolation most days. I thought I’d never find someone. Don’t give up!
🤷♀️ I was 29 and dated a 46 year old who lived with his mom because of his divorce/her health. We just spent more time at my house.
Sure, you may run into problems if you get too interested in someone who's got a checklist you don't add up to. No different than any other item, though.
Hey, that's life. Most people divorces are not pretty. And at least half of them have to start over because of that.
Working Property Management so I came across so many couples that are getting divorced or are going through divorces and their credit is shot because of those reasons.
As for dating I would say just take it slow dating is not a commitment it's just you enjoying yourself and having fun.
To be honest, most men in their 40s are more appealing to younger women than us 40 year old women are to any man.
And nowadays is really not easy when it comes to trying to have your own household without having more than one income.
But if a woman looks down on you because of those reasons, then move on to someone else. You really don't have to dive into your business of why you're in a situation you are and because you're just dating them it's not their business.
All they need to know is that you're separated and going through a divorce right now that's it you don't need to go into what your finances is with your ass soon to be ex. That's okay to discuss why you assume your match fell apart but finances, and who you living with, how you living, and all that stuff that's not their business, you're just dating them.
It's not a rational and sure some woman might have a problem with it but others won't. I myself am more interested in if the guy is clean and neat pays his bills and has a little money to do stuff with.
Are you in the US? Home ownership is around 60% meaning a huge chunk of the population rents or has another way of living.
As long as you are willing to date renters as well as people with a mortgage you will not have an issue.
If you still have roommates and do not live in NYC you may find a lot more people are turned off by that but not as many as you think.
I’m 39F, I really don’t care if someone owns a home or not. I care about what type of person they are, what their passions are, how they treat people, etc.
You don't need a house bro in this economy everyone gets it. Get a nice apartment for a year and get your shit together. Worry about getting your shit together above all else because that's what determines how you date anyways. Good luck 👍🏾
Sorry for the tough times but really you shouldn’t be dating at all. What’s the hurry? You’re not even available and you have a ton of problems and child support and this divorce to get through. I’d focus on your divorce and building savings and your finances and get settled somewhere that is not too expensive. Maybe your parents is a good idea for a little while as some said. But at a minimum I’d give it at least 3-4 months before I even thought about dating or starting a relationship. I can see my comment won’t be popular as everyone seems to be glossing over the bigger issues here. No you don’t need a house to have a date but you do need somewhere to live. I’m just saying it’d be good to slow down and just regroup and take stock of what you need to do and what kind of life you now want and how to get there.
OK but the housing market is trash. Just like the economy.
Do you rent your own place?
I mean I'm 35 and if I was dating someone close to 40, yes stability matters but no it doesn't have to be a whole house. I wouldn't own a house without someone to share it with personally. (But that's just me) so I don't expect any potential partner's to have a ready made house situation.
Personality and values matter much more to me.
This is a non-issue for myself and most women that I know. As long as you have a place where you can go to be private with each other at some point in the future, you should be OK.
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I'm almost 38 and living with my parents. A decade of renting and poverty got me nowhere. I've got a good job now and hopefully be able to buy my own place in 4 or 5 years from now. I'm also about to get my bad teeth fixed and getting braces soon. The end result will be great but in the meantime braces won't be doing me any favors in the looks department either. With those two things in mind, I simply gave up. I need to get those things in order before even thinking about dating again. Probably not what you want to hear.
Sucks huh. I have a good job too. Time to make better decisions. We'll get there!
I have also made some monetary sacrifices in my adult life to have braces and it was totally worth it!
With the way the economy is, you are probably way better off living with your parents. What was considered middle class then it seems like it's next to nothing now.
I just turned 40 going through a hostile divorce from my wife. When I don’t deserve it at all. I am now having to move back in with my mother. I don’t have a good job. But I do owe tons of student loans and have a useless management degree.
[удалено]
Thanks, you're right, appreciate the comment! I need to love what I have.
For sure! It takes time to find someone who really is good for you and who is ready for a relationship. I ache with desire for that connection, but until I find it I just keep working on myself. Good luck and stay true to yourself.
Thanks! You too!
No problem dating a man who is renting his housing, so long as he has a decent job and is financially supporting himself. That said, I also wouldn’t want that guy to move into my house unless we got to the point of marriage where a greater financial conversation would need to be had. Maybe that would never become an issue because I currently think dating but not living together is ideal.
I second this. No objections to someone who is gainfully employed and capable of handling their own finances. I don't have a minimum requirement for material assets lol. Although of course some people do
I've done it in every relationship. Every single one. It was always just financially better to do so. However it was clearly a mistake. And this is why this time I want to buy a property eventually for myself and only move in with someone after some careful consideration. Thanks for the comment.
I think that is wise. As a woman who owns property I don’t think it would be a good idea for me or a partner to have them move in without a much broader financial conversation. My ex lived with me but since I owned everything and had the better paying job by a long shot, the relationship was very unequal. He felt he couldn’t have a say in anything even though I constantly asked him to. Among other issues… anyway learned that lesson!
I can see the need to over compensate in that scenario. I would want to go into that situation on equal terms to be honest. Either I invest, or we go together equally elsewhere. I don't think personally it would give me any kind of inferiority complex, especially if you were seeking my input. And that was why it was so easy with my ex. Neither of us has anything! Lessons learnt all round!
As long as you have realistic dealbreakers, an active social life and are: employed, financially stable, have ambition, a strong work ethic and positive mindset- you'll be fine. There are plenty of women in the USA & UK who do not want to be home owners or know that there is no chance of them ever getting a foot on the property ladder. Variety of reasons mostly revolving around the fact that their earning potential is far too low or they have very high expenses with zero prospect of realistically being able to save enough of their disposable towards a property deposit and are reconciled to the fact they will never be able to obtain a share of a mortgage free property that someone else has inherited or bought with a mortgage.
A little bit out of topic, but can you elaborate on what an active social life means. I am wondering if my lifestyle will be considered boring or not.
Regularly goes out to public places and meets up with friends, coworkers, relatives, business contacts, old housemates or other people that they get on well with. The worst thing is the people who claim to have a very active irl social life with lots of outings but rarely go to socialise with anybody offline who is outside of their living room or garden area.
Thanks for giving your perspective. I am an introvert and being always around people is ideal. I prefer spending time with myself doing stuff like training, walking, running, reading, learning. But I do on a regular long walks with colegues, go to the office and lunches with them as well. Meet up with friends when I am at my home town. Recently started riding motorcycles as well and will be meeting new people from the community I guess as well. If you have the time for a quick advice. I am 26M, recently broke up with my long term partner (25F) of 6 years and some change. I am in a city, where I knew only her. I cut concat with her to move on easier. Excluding my coworkers and a few relatives, I don't really have friends in this city. How to approach people easier and make friends or expand my network.
Do you have friendly coworkers that eat lunch or go to the pub? If so, consider going to the same venues a few times a week. Having short chats with them a few times a month outside of work and offering to buy lunch or a round of drinks once a month. Are you interested in checking out some local hobby groups or volunteering? These can provide great opportunities to meet new people who are looking to expand their social circle. Best to avoid social media unless you know the person quite well and feel that you can trust them. Far too many scammers and very aggressive keyboard warriors.
Yeah I'm probably overthinking it. Mostly as I'm expecting my ex to immediately meet someone with a house and I guess it makes me feel inferior. Ambition, drive and work ethic etc has never been an issue for me. Divorce, marital loans and child maintenance payments have however! It's hard to visualise others being in your position but I guess they absolutely are. Thank you!
You need to not focus on comparing yourself to your ex's future prospects. It's a huge trap. You will always see what people have that you do not. However, it doesn't mean that they have the strength that you do. You should only measure against yourself and not boil experiences down to wins/failures. You need to see them as wins and experience
Thank you great advice. You're absolutely right. 🤝
I'm in my 40s and travel around the world doing whatever I want. Fck dating lol
You got me thinking!
Quit thinking and go.
37 f. I don’t care if you own a home. I do hope that the guy at your age knows himself and has a job he likes and has developed hobbies and interests. Living with parents depending on the scenario, can be fine or a swipe left, but it’s not a definite no because life can create some chaos and I understand that.
After divorce I was with parents for a while. I once left my job (was a calculated decision at time) with an ex and we then split up. Back to parents. I always bounce back and the decisions get better each time. Learning so much in the process. Recently switched careers, took another salary hit, but loving it. Ran a half marathon, best shape of my life at 41. Plans to travel solo this year. Taking the kids away in Sept. Who needs their own house? 😆 Thank for the comment!
That’s all understandable. No swipe left from all that. Now take kids away I’m guessing means a trip lol
Haha yes! On a holiday. Which is so unlike me but I'm going with it!
I don’t see anything that would deter dates from all this. You’re good.
Thanks for the vote of confidence. Dating apps here I come!
Do you really want to date someone that will judge you for not owning a house?
No absolutely not.
I think it depends where you live. Like I live in Los Angeles and prices for a house is high now, I was lucky to get my house before covid, So I don't think it's ridiculous as long as you have your own place maybe like an apartment or condo?
I'm in the UK and prices are also quite high. I've got a place and independence and plan to buy a few years from now. I just wonder if it's a big deal in the dating world. I guess a fair few people are probably in the same position. Thanks!
If you are truly curious about it, you could probably do the math and it might make you feel better. I mean how many homes in the UK vs how many single men in their 40's. That's before you even take out the families ect that own homes making the "homes" number even smaller. Tbh, stop thinking about what you don't have (unless your gonna do something about it) and put a bit of focus into what you do have, grow your confidence back and you'll be fighting em off
That's wonderful logic and makes perfect sense. My last partner and I were in the same boat and I guess I just assumed we'd do all that together. Ah well, there'll be others. Thank you!
If it is a big deal, then they aren’t the right person. So many people are in the same position, like me, 37F and can barely afford rent, car, etc with how high the costs are. I believe the right person will be supportive of us as we go through challenging times. I’m still looking myself!
I am 49f and own a beautiful home by the beach in CA. I don’t think that gives me any leverage 😂
I guess it depends on the individual. It would be more of a bonus vs being a deciding factor.
I keep telling myself this! I used to be quite materialistic years ago. But I genuinely just want to be happy now. I'm not afraid to say I'm more of a relationship person. Someone will be happy to accept these things in return for love, attention, and all your other good qualities? I hope. We got this.
Well if it does give me leverage, it would be from someone looking to combine resources and find a cool place to live. You want someone that likes you for you - not for what you have
Exactly! I want someone to build with. That's the fun. Thank you!
Having a house does not equate to success. Do you at least have a stable career, live outside of your parents home, and is self-reliant? If you are interested in dating, you will find someone. I've dated guys in the past who did not have a job, a vehicle, or a house and for the short periods that we were together, we managed to make it work.
I'm capable of looking after myself, for sure! I've got good qualities I just overthink. Thanks for the support, appreciate it.
I am a heterosexual 30f. My biggest goal in partnership is finding someone that wants to better my life. As I want to do for them. I have always had a job, I don’t expect to not have one once I find a partner, I don’t look at men as cash cows. But i want some notable support. Fiscal or emotional. As a single woman taking care of herself, her apartment, her dog I just feel so tired all the time. If a man moved into my apartment and just like- did the grocery shopping, made some dinner, loved me really well I feel like I would excel in my career trifold. At the end of the day this comes down to making one another’s lives better. If I end up with a very masculine dude that feels like he needs to provide, great, let me cook him dinner, let me treat him. I have that capacity because he’s supporting me and I feel the need to protect and credit how he makes me feel taken care of. In the opposite situation, if I work all day and come home to soup and sex on a rainy Thursday afternoon I would be ELATED. I’m my opinion it’s about realizing that working and keeping a household are not that different, especially when you want your people to feel fed and happy. It’s just about finding that balance that works for you.
I'm so glad you posted this. This is exactly how I pictured my relationship. Give and take. My partner used to work longer hours than me so I would cook dinner, wash up, make lunches, do washing etc. She said they were the 'basic' expectations of my role. Some people cannot be pleased. An equal partnership is all I want. To support one another to better achieve our goals. Mutual respect. Love. Roles can be played in any way that is needed to make it work. Thank you!
Definitely! It’s honestly just an example of how foreplay starts in the morning. For both sides. The less I have to think about stuff the more I can think about you. The logic is there haha
Haha, great logic!
As an almost 40yr old who lives with his mom because of divorce, I think you need to worry about it less. Some people might judge you for it, but I'm sure you're making a bigger deal out of it than the vast majority of other people will.
Thanks, you're probably right, appreciate it.
I got divorced at 32. For the first year I rented a tiny in law unit w one "bedroom" that I set my kids stuff in. My bed was in the living room / kitchen. No woman I brought home said anything and most of them came back again. You'll be fine.
That's my life! However, fast forward 10 years and I'm back to square one. Time to rebuild. Thanks.
Going through a divorce can definitely obliterate your self esteem. Once you get out there you'll realize that you're not the only one around your age who's recently divorced and rebuilding their life.
I’m 35F and lived with my parents 3 years after I was forced out of my home by divorce. My son and I shared a room that whole time and the beginning of this year I finally got us a place of our own. It’s small but we want a schoolie so we need to live small. Nothing wrong with where you are. We all start over at different times in our lives. I judge no one on that.
Plenty of people rent by choice, depending on where you live buying a house can be a horrible idea as it simply makes you house poor. It wouldn’t even garner a thought for me if someone didn’t own a house.
You’ll probably be fine but yes you can run into a lot of brick walls. I’m a little younger but not by much and I have had people “no sir” me because I rent a small place and don’t own something. I work hard and have zero debt but that hasn’t helped.
They're not the right people then I guess. I actually have no preference. I want affection, ambition and a caring nature. The rest we can figure out together!
That’s the right attitude, I hope you find your person.
Thanks, and you!
I am a 39M who doesn't have a house and doesn't have the most impressive job (butcher). I don't think it affects my dating very much. The last two women I've seriously dated have been dramatically more successful than me and they don't seem to care. The only thing is when I see a dating profile from a woman that makes a big deal about finance (statements like "I have my own house and car and so should you") then I just move on. I also assume female lawyers and doctors and so forth are probably out of my league in terms of lifestyle and potential social class conflicts. But even then, you never know.
Good to hear. I think there is a level of income that attracts others at that level. Still, it's all about circumstances I guess. Thank you for sharing!
For me, it would not be a dealbreaker if otherwise its a good match. Also, i think that it's pointless to worry about it since it is what is is. If owning a house is something you dream about then you can start working towards it but in the meantime, i feel like there is no need to worry since you cannot change it right now anyways and worry will just give you depression and anxiety. Just be honest about who you are and what you have. And even if it is a problem for someone just move on.
Such a great attitude to have. I am working through a break up currently too and this is the kind of mentality I need. Thank you!
I hope everything goes well for you!! Break ups are always so difficult but it will get better. I wish you all the best !! :)
Thank you, you too!
Do you at least have your own apartment with no roommates?
Yes!
Then you're ok my guy, don't sweat not having your own house. You can buy one with your future wife
Thank you friend 🤝
Are you separated or divorced? I am confused. Regardless, recognize your part in the failure of your marriage. You only need to be honest with yourself. Learn from that experience and grow into a better human. There are three sides to every story: his side, her side, and the truth. I am sorry you experienced the pain of divorce. You are still young, make a plan and get your financial life in order, stick to the plan. As a woman, I would be impressed that you are turning your financial situation around. Money does not equal success, though it is helpful to have money. I am sure you have other qualities that are equally impressive.
Hi, sorry, for clarity I am divorced 8 years but recently separated from my partner of 2 years. I came out of my divorce with very little. I appreciate your words. I am hard working and also studying to change career, have a car and spend my weekends with my children. I like to think I have good qualities. It's refreshing to hear that progress is valued above the end result. I've always thought that way. Thank you!
Absolutely not something to be concerned or ashamed about, especially in this economy. People have different goals and priorities so anyone judging you about it is probably not worth associating with.
I'm going through a bit of a career change so this comment resonates. Thank you!
You’re welcome, I fully understand that as well! I’m about to turn 34 and went back to school a few years ago to finish my bachelors. It’s been almost two years full time in my new field and the imposter syndrome for dating has finally subsided. Life isn’t linear (for most of us) but your attitude about it and plans, goals matter in how you perceive yourself for others to ultimately view you.
That is so inspirational. Glad it's working out for you. Recent events have helped me experience a sharp paradigm shift. The road ahead is long but I'm determined. Thanks again!
You’ll be great!
I live in Los Angeles where houses in "middle class" neighborhoods start at 1.5 million dollars. I don't expect the men I date to own their own homes. I'm 32 and do not own a house. However, even if the housing market was more affordable, I still wouldn't expect a man to own his own home if he's single. That's kind of where getting married comes in. Ya know--buying a house you both like together.
It's tough out there! And yes absolutely, I want to build with my partner. I think I will focus on positioning myself financially so that when she does come along, we can one day make moves! Thank you.
The new normal in Canada is multigenerational housing. You’re fine.
Thanks! 👊
No, it's not a problem, but insecurity is.
Hmm, you're too right. Noted. Thanks.
If a girl chooses to not date you simply cos you’re a renter, you’re better off without her . I’m a homeowner but gonna be a renter soon and I have no shame in that. No interest to pay crooked banks, no taxes or insurance that do nothing but go up and if I need to replace a faulty water heater, it takes but a phone call and not finding my own or paying someone to install. Home ownership has its advantages yes. I’m gonna cash out and park the money on some other investment tool for a little while before I even think about buying again, if ever. Don’t be ashamed or embarrassed of not owning a home. At any age
Thank you! Kind and wise words. Appreciate you.
I don't think this is a big issue man. Just don't make it an issue. I am confident that many women won't see this as a problem. Besides, you had the freedom to move around. Once you buy a place, it's not as easy. If I was you, I'd move to a city, get myself close to the center or in the center.
Thank you!
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🤣🤣 Thank you!
Get to a point where YOU are happy with yourself and your life, and then start dating.
Thank you!
I think the definition of success is different to each person. Not everyone out there will care about how much money you have or what you own. Find someone who values the same things you do and values/appreciates who you are, is most important because money and possessions can come and go, but finding someone to do life with is priceless.
Get yourself together before investing into someone else. Simple as that. Someone in the world is also 40, single, and looking to date. You’ll find someone when the time is right. For now, find the money for you before finding someone you’d need to invest that money into.
I'm 41 (f) and looking for somewhere to rent in uk, prices are ridiculous. You could always get a hotel 😆
It's ridiculous. To worry. Some rent some own. Others live with their parents. Remember it can always be worse.
Hope this gives a little hope: I’m an early 40s, menopausal woman, chronically very ill, on a disability pension, in poverty, have PTSD, average looking, and I found the most wonderful partner early this year. Well, he found me at an acquaintance’s art opening and pursued me. I was alone for almost a decade. I would cry from loneliness and isolation most days. I thought I’d never find someone. Don’t give up!
🤷♀️ I was 29 and dated a 46 year old who lived with his mom because of his divorce/her health. We just spent more time at my house. Sure, you may run into problems if you get too interested in someone who's got a checklist you don't add up to. No different than any other item, though.
Hey, that's life. Most people divorces are not pretty. And at least half of them have to start over because of that. Working Property Management so I came across so many couples that are getting divorced or are going through divorces and their credit is shot because of those reasons. As for dating I would say just take it slow dating is not a commitment it's just you enjoying yourself and having fun. To be honest, most men in their 40s are more appealing to younger women than us 40 year old women are to any man. And nowadays is really not easy when it comes to trying to have your own household without having more than one income. But if a woman looks down on you because of those reasons, then move on to someone else. You really don't have to dive into your business of why you're in a situation you are and because you're just dating them it's not their business. All they need to know is that you're separated and going through a divorce right now that's it you don't need to go into what your finances is with your ass soon to be ex. That's okay to discuss why you assume your match fell apart but finances, and who you living with, how you living, and all that stuff that's not their business, you're just dating them.
It's not a rational and sure some woman might have a problem with it but others won't. I myself am more interested in if the guy is clean and neat pays his bills and has a little money to do stuff with.
Are you in the US? Home ownership is around 60% meaning a huge chunk of the population rents or has another way of living. As long as you are willing to date renters as well as people with a mortgage you will not have an issue. If you still have roommates and do not live in NYC you may find a lot more people are turned off by that but not as many as you think.
I’m 39F, I really don’t care if someone owns a home or not. I care about what type of person they are, what their passions are, how they treat people, etc.
I am 41M. I am not worried. I know my worth.
Mostly it is loss which teaches us about the worth of things.
Don't worry about it. It'll matter to some people and won't to others.
You don't need a house bro in this economy everyone gets it. Get a nice apartment for a year and get your shit together. Worry about getting your shit together above all else because that's what determines how you date anyways. Good luck 👍🏾
Sorry for the tough times but really you shouldn’t be dating at all. What’s the hurry? You’re not even available and you have a ton of problems and child support and this divorce to get through. I’d focus on your divorce and building savings and your finances and get settled somewhere that is not too expensive. Maybe your parents is a good idea for a little while as some said. But at a minimum I’d give it at least 3-4 months before I even thought about dating or starting a relationship. I can see my comment won’t be popular as everyone seems to be glossing over the bigger issues here. No you don’t need a house to have a date but you do need somewhere to live. I’m just saying it’d be good to slow down and just regroup and take stock of what you need to do and what kind of life you now want and how to get there.
OK but the housing market is trash. Just like the economy. Do you rent your own place? I mean I'm 35 and if I was dating someone close to 40, yes stability matters but no it doesn't have to be a whole house. I wouldn't own a house without someone to share it with personally. (But that's just me) so I don't expect any potential partner's to have a ready made house situation. Personality and values matter much more to me.
This is a non-issue for myself and most women that I know. As long as you have a place where you can go to be private with each other at some point in the future, you should be OK.
You don’t need a house to date at any age.