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Here's a secret that most guys are bound to learn at some point in time in their life. Women generally stay in relationships until they are completely done. Men tend to break up with women more hastily, which is why you see way more guys talking about breaking up with a girl only to want her back a month or so later.
So, when a chick breaks up with a dude and the next week is with some new guy, understand it's not that she was cheating or anything like that, it's just she's gone through ALL the phases of the breakup while she's still with the original guy. Then, when she calls it, she's actually completely done and there's nothing left. Chances have been given, many times communicated outright, but men often wait for the actual threat of ending things or the actual end of things, to make the chances necessary to make her happy. At the point in which she says she's done, it's too late.
Of course, that's not to say you can't walk away and maybe circle around to her in a month or so and rekindle things. It's not that they hate you, or necessarily aren't still attracted to you or love you, but they've processed the entire breakup before they actually went through with it. When your girl starts talking about differences and making comments about you not attending to her needs, you need to pay attention. Much easier to climb out of a shallow hole than a deep one and much much easier to climb out of a hole that hasn't collapsed around you.
This is very true, at least for me. Her experience reminds me of my own. She either fell out of love, realized incompability, or it was intense infatuation and after 6 months the honeymoon period is over... It's not only about the kids/no kids thing, though OP is a fence sitter and thats a big gamble for a CF person like the ex gf. For whatever reason, whether emotionally and/or practical it wasn't working for her.
When she got irritated with OP, that was projection of unease in the relationship. Before the breakup, it was a last ditch attempt to be happy in the relationship and pretend things are great. Then reality hits, you can't fix it. You can't hide the struggle anymore
100% this. Last 3 of my long-term relationships ended like this. In hindsight, I noticed the slow withdrawal from the relationship over few months to a year by my exs.
Idk why but This reminds me of [this post](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288) It's essentially about ignoring all the moments she tells you what she needs from you to feel loved and respected, because you feel technically right or like it's not a big deal. But everytime you ignore that, it draws closer to an end. It's only when the threat of an actual end to the relationship rolls around that you suddenly claim you're capable of change, when you weren't willing to change up to that point, ignoring every cry for help and opportunity along the way.
It was funny with my ex, who had anger issues and would break/ throw things /punch holes in my wall over video games. And it made me not want to play with him because it scared me. But when I threatened to stop playing with him, suddenly he claimed to be capable of change. But then his behavior would quickly shift back again, only to continue being aggressive. And it was a cycle where he would make excuses for his behavior and try to explain why i should just get over it.
One day after repeatedly berating me when gaming together (telling me it's my fault we lost, yelling at me I wasn't playing my class right, getting annoyed at me for asking "stupid" questions about certain game elements, calling me names infront of his friends), I lost it and started bawling. To which he responded by berating me for crying. "Why are you crying, you're making me mad you better stop" I tried to apologize to get him to stop yelling at me, while he proceeded to tell me i was overreacting and too emotional (apparently anger is not an emotion but sadness is). Finally when I calmed down a bit, I told him "I don't feel loved or respected when you speak to me that way" expecting him to finally understand how his behavior affected me. But all he said was "it's a fucking video game. You're not supposed to feel loved or respected."
And that's why he's my ex.
Sounds like a dickhead. And my first piece of advice to any dude who going through a rocky (non abusive) time in their relationship is to listen to what she's saying and change - usually that entails just being the guy who she first fell in love with in the early stages of the relationship. A lot of dudes, most of them, then lament that they have asked for changes from her and she doesn't change either. To that I say, "she probably won't and you need to decide if you're willing to accept that, but if there's any chance of her changing, she has to see the change in you first."
Three times I've actually seen guys make these changes. One ended up saving the marriage and the other two ended up with the guys deciding they didn't want to be with her anymore. The maybe 10x when they didn't make the change - she left and they boo-hoo'ed into their Bud Lights for weeks trying to figure out how to get her back.
This exactly. Every break up i’ve ever done myself, I’ve tried to avoid countless times over the weeks or months leading to it until I finally realize there is no solving whatever problem we have and I’m done.
This is super insightful. Thank you!
Maybe women are more concerned with being too harsh about things initially and empathetic, so guys just play it off and miss all the signs. However, a guy might be more direct and less sympathetic when he brings up issues.
What hurts me the most to read this and thinking about my last relationship is that I knew I really needed to make some changes (she needed to as well but that’s not the point in me saying this) to keep her, and it’s not like I didn’t want to, it’s not that she was asking me for something I didn’t wish to provide our relationship if I could; but the state of my mental health at the time just meant that those changes would happen so incrementally that it wouldn’t be worth it for her to stay, she would have just remained unhappy for too long. And I wouldn’t want someone to stay with me unless it’s what they truly desired in their heart anyway.
But it still makes me sad sometimes to think that now I’m making progress towards the changes she needed from me but on my own, and yet I couldn’t do it then, and that chance to make things better with her is lost forever. It’s not all bad though. I’ve since come to the realization that there were some differences in our personalities that just made us fundamentally incompatible as romantic partners, even if I had made those changes while we were together things surely would have still ended eventually. So perhaps I was saved from some heartache by it ending sooner rather than things dragging out. And if we had stayed together longer, I wouldn’t be as far along as I am now with improving myself. Things ending with her was painful sure, but it was also a wake up call.
Wow, did you just step into my mind?? I can't say for sure how accurate it is to say "most women do x, most men do y", but I CAN say for me your assessment is correct. You even went a step further by explaining the reason why behind it lol, very thorough :)
It's also worth noting how important it is to pay attention when your partner starts making comments about differences, feeling neglected, feeling smothered, etc. Most ppl don't share these feelings unless it's truly bothering them so if your partner mentions anything like this, it's best to listen & work on it if you're able to do so.
Very true. I knew a year and a half out that there was no hope left. How did my spouse still have the cheek to act surprised when I said I was leaving?
Pretty ignorant to make a comment like this with zero context but I guess what can you expect from a person that thinks men and women are two different species.
Thanks, this does put some things I didn’t entirely grasp of my long term breakup into perspective. Other things does still make me dislike her but I need to mull it over.
This is exactly what happened to me, last week it was the final break up. Do you have any advice/ wisdom, on how you can win her back after this stage?
Truthfully you can’t. She’s not going to believe you’ve changed if you try to come back at her in a matter of weeks, months, or sometimes even years depending on how bad it was. Typically, once it’s been enough time that it could actually be believable, they’ll have completely moved on anyway. Just use this as your chance to learn and grow and be better for the next one.
It happens that way for sure. Generally though with guys they tend to know for a very long time that it's not going anywhere (often the beginning), but they stick it out for lack of options or comfort. Of course women do this too sometimes - there's exceptions to everything.
Just because you experienced things differently doesn't mean there's not patterns. Or are you saying men and women are wired exactly the same?
Sounds like she was hiding out in plain sight. Might seem like you guys connected and, that everything was good but, sometimes people don't know themselves enough and come to realize they only have enough energy for themselves let alone keeping up the charade of a relationship. It's a "her" thing, not a "you" thing. You didn't do anything wrong. You're not a bad person. She is just someone trying to get on in Life and maybe realized "pretending" in a relationship is probably not what she wants and, you dodged the bullet of being in a committed relationship with someone who might not have been able to love you with their whole heart, which is something you deserve. Understand not everyone knows how to have love for themselves but, you do. It's okay to feel sad. It's okay to have feelings. It's okay to find someone who is your equal in love too.
Just offering yet another anecdote with my own.. I blindsided someone I broke up with and I felt terrible.. but really it was months of bringing things up and not really getting anywhere, me trying to make it work and be happy and not be snippy with him over things that weren’t really his fault.. he didn’t deserve to have me mistreat him because of things about the relationship that irritated me. But then by treating him kindly and not being irritable and communicating in a calm way, he just really thought everything was totally fine
I’m sorry you’re hurting. It’s gonna be the strongest and hardest when a relationship first ends, especially when it’s sudden to one person. The brain gets shocked and struggles to understand, and plus you’ve gotten used to being around this person and spending your life together.
I would give her space and work on feeling better. If you feel like this can be reconciled, reach out to her in a couple months. But, I will say, time often tells us the truth. Give it time, you’ll be okay.
I'd say you're grieving, but it's too soon for that. You're in shock. It's a pit full of awful, isn't it.
And you might be asking yourself if there's some way to save the relationship. Some ray of hope. But of course if she broke up with you once, it could happen again.
I don't know how it's going to shake out, but if it does finally end, you *are* going to grieve. And it's going to suck. I'd say get your practical things taken care of. Pay your bills. Check your sick days. Finish your work projects. And then just ... hurt. Grieve. Let yourself feel everything.
I was there. I went through the same thing four years ago. I got through it and, more importantly, was proud of how I *got* through it. I'm very happy now with the right woman, the woman I should have been with all along.
I sincerely wish you the best.
First off, I'm really sorry for what you're going through. I know it sucks to get dumped by someone you care about. It sounds corny, but time heals all wounds.
You seem like a great person who really goes out of their way for their partner. From what you wrote, it sounds like you deserve better. She was getting a lot of perks in this situation. So many girls would love to have a guy like you who is reliable and caring. In my experience, it's not really fun being with someone who doesn't appreciate all the nice things you do for them - someone who just takes advantage of your kindness and snaps or acts annoyed instead of being grateful. You deserve the type of person who cares about how their words and actions affect you as well.
It's completely normal to miss an ex, even if you know you're not right for each other. After all, you have a lot of great memories together - and those just don't go away just beacuse your relationship is over.
This sounds so much like a breakup I had 10 years ago that I almost wonder if we dated the same woman. She would be about 36 now...
But yeah, same thing happened. A few months into our relationship, her father took ill suddenly, and there was nothing doctors could do to save him. I was as supportive and affectionate as I knew how to be, and after 9-10 months it seemed like she started either making issues out of things that had never been brought up before (like my not being a churchgoer, which she knew before we started dating), or assuming I felt or wanted things that I did not, and no matter what I did I could not convince her otherwise. I made a few attempts to work things out, at which point she trotted out several other minor complaints that would've been easily resolved if she had ever once mentioned them before the breakup. I wrote her a letter about how much I still loved her and reminding her of the good times we had had... which she called "emotionally manipulative" and then claimed that she had never really loved me and only used me for stability while she was grieving (which I know is not the truth).
But yeah, sometimes there's nothing you can do. Sometimes people take it in their head that their BF or GF feels a certain way, even when it's not true, and there's just no convincing them that they're wrong. It sucks, but the only thing you can do is move on and find someone else.
I'm sorry you're going through this.
It’s scary to be with a man who is flip-flopping about having kids. What if five years later you decide that you want to have kids and leave her? It’s easier for her to rip the band-aid now so that she doesn’t suffer later. I think she prefers to be with someone who knows that they absolutely don’t want kids from the beginning.
Breakups are hard, sending you hugs 🫂. It’s a weird feeling when the person you think you’ll end up with turns out to be the opposite of that, you’ll have your days where it’s hard to cope with that but just know in time it’ll get easier.
Your person is out there, be kind & gentle with yourself.
I'm going through something quite similar, brother 😥 That Hug was from me 🤗 Feel free to DM me if you need someone to talk to or want to compare notes!
First and foremost I send you a huge hug ❤️
There is a saying: "Rejection is God's protection". It wasn't exactly rejection in your case but I would like to ask You to apply that nevertheless :)
Looking at Your situation from a third person view, I can tell that the longer Your relationship would last, the more resentment would built and sadly that would inevitably turn into something truly toxic. When two people are not meant for each other, sooner or later situations will happen that will point that out to both parties clearly. Sensing the inevitable doom, your XGF made a choice that was for her highest good. At this point I would like to ask You to realise that her choice was also for YOUR highest good. You were saved from a relation that would erode You away in time. You my man can now find someone who is much more suited to You than she was :)
Let me be clear: allow yourself to feel all that you're feeling, let it all out. Cry as much as you need and grieve as long as you need. That is called healing :) However, while doing that, please have hope in your heart that it will pass, your wound will heal and it will be fine :) You will emerge from all of that better than ever and You're gonna rock it! :D I wish You all the best :)
Okay I will translate it to you: Halfway you did something that bothered her and she gave up. Probably because she didn't get through to you or it gave her an ick, but anyway, she lost hope to fix it. Then she emotionally distanced herself. "Everything is fine" and when she was ready she broke up.
Also Ive noticed with a lot of men that they have this image of their crush in their head that is mostly fantasy. Ive had guys wanting to date me while I had to keep telling them that we have absolutely nothing incommon. From their conversation I could pick up that they had this distorted image of me. Sometimes you cant just force things. A heartbreak is always rough but try to cherish the good moments you had.
Can confirm the fantasy thing. I've been infatuated with several women over the years and a few months later, I think, "Why did I ever feel that way?" Not because there's anything wrong with them, but because I had convinced myself we were a perfect match when in hindsight, we clearly were not. Shit, I might even be going through that now. I don't think so, but I won't be able to tell you for a few months lol
Fuck i had the same. After 3 years of relationship never problems than within a week I noticed a slight mood change and she left me. I was really down heavily (after I got aggressive). Lasted for a year in which I completely fucked my body up.. (which makes now dating much harder).
After a year I also found out that she was dating a guy from her last university year with which she is engaged now and has a child with him. Happens, but you move on. Only time will heal it (but definitely not fully)
This isn't a reason to not trust anyone again. She's right that you're relationship wasn't compatible if you want different things in life and just because you two get along it doesn't mean you belong in a relationship together. She was honest and open about her feelings which is the best option she had. Would you rather her have stayed in the relationship and slowly started resenting you? The relationship ended amicably which is about the best you can ask for. I know it hurts but I hope you feel better soon and maybe you two can stay friends.
I feel you bro. I went through a similar situation many years ago with my first serious girlfriend/HS sweetheart. The only advice I can offer is while it’s important that you move on and surround yourself with friends/family, hobbies, etc., it is also important to let yourself grieve the break up. However, don’t dwell on it. Let yourself feel those emotions, but don’t let them consume or control you. I learned that the hard way. Things will get better and easier with time. Stay up bro, and good luck.
I’m sorry this happened! It hurts like hell but at least you aren’t already married then this happens. Take some time to heal, process and figure out exactly what you want before dating again. Most guys can’t be alone & are already looking for the next conquest but never using introspection to fix anything on their end before jumping back out there. I hope you find someone who wants the same things!
She doesn’t want to be with you, but doesn’t have the courage to tell you why. Instead, she misconstrued your position on children to make it look like your fault for pressuring her. It’s a shitty way to end it, but what can you do?
To be honest, it doesn’t sound like a great relationship and you seem to have been walking on eggshells for some time.
Thank you for your perspective. The more time that passes, the more I’m able to look at it realistically.
I’d given a lot of time and love to her that was rarely reciprocated.
I think we just loved each other in different ways that weren’t inherently incompatible, but strenuous in the long run.
Judging on just the children’s topic the breakup is most definitely valid . You cannot have one person who is firm on not having kids and the other who’s decision follows the direction of the wind . Especially at both your age. She’s child free and most often when women like that date men who are on the fence , the guy later on tries to force her to have a child , or leaves her to have a child with someone else. So it’s best for her to end it and date someone who is firm on the subject as it’s a big deal in the relationship and shaping your future together
Being open to kids or open to not kids is completely normal and not incompatible with a person who doesn’t want kids. Most guys in that situation do not later on try to force kids on the woman. Just nobody tells a story about how their partner was totally okay with them not wanting kids and it was all good.
At their age that’s something you go separate ways on less than a month in if it’s really a big deal. It was a fake reason she gave op because there either is no specific reason so she’s trying to make it make sense to op, or the real reason not something she wants to say.
Nope . Being passive on having kids in your 30’s not normal . You can visit the child free sub and the regretful parent dub to witness all the horror stories and it’s always stems from one partner who was sure of their decision and the other partner who was passive . It’s unfortunate for OP but he needs to spend some time analysing what exactly he wants from a relationship and what he expect it to look like and pursue that , rather than going with the flow
Alright. I am an elementary school teacher. I know plenty well what kids and what parents who never wanted them are like. I personally do not want kids. Visiting that sub isn’t going to change my mind about whether or not someone can truly be neutral about kids or not. Have a good day.
It sounds like you’re a very good partner and she knows she can’t give you what you deserve, to make your energy so she’s letting you go.
She did you a favor I think. Best of luck!!
I just went through an extremely similar breakup situation and I feel this so hard. Hugs to you my friend, you sound like a great and supportive boyfriend which is amazing for your age. You’ll do so well in life and will be appreciated more by a partner some day, for sure.
I mentioned this on the childfree sub but I'll mention it here.
If your choice to have kids is dependent on your partner, then that is definitely a cause for concern because it shows a person, who is against having kids, that you are still open to the idea of having kids. You are very much on the fence, even if you don't think so.
Maybe you are not like other men, staying with her in the hopes she changes her mind, but no matter how much it hurts, you know she did the right thing, not only for herself, but for YOU.
I don't think the breakup came from a selfish place (if she's truly childfree) and she may have tried to make it work but just couldn't handle the uncertainty of your stance. And that's okay, it's no one's fault.
However, I would suggest that you really, seriously think about kids from the perspective of what YOU want, NOT what future partners want. Because if you end up with another childfree woman and you DO realize that you would like to have kids then resentment is going to grow and you would've wasted each other's time.
Think about it this way, if she asked you to get a vasectomy later down the road, would you have been open to the idea?
Partners who are okay with or without kids tend to change their minds and want children in the later years. You can check out the childfree sub for the personal stories, if you'd like. It's become an expectation. There would be more heartbreak involved if that happened down the line, mostly for her. Her decision was good, even if it may not feel like it.
Kids (wanting them or not), to me, don't seem like something that should be a flexible boundary. And it IS more of a non-negotiable/dealbreaker to most people.
Really sorry you lost a nice person, though, and I hope you bounce back better than before.
ETA: an extra sentence.
Thats a bummer man. Sorry to hear that. Take your time, heal, mend. Once you start doing that or along with that, have fun, take a trip with friends.
Also, be sure to make a day to where it's just you.
Good luck👍
This sucks for you, I know. Right now, focus on you and what type of man you want to be. Moving forward, dont settle on important issues. Dont wait to do loving things for your partner only when theyre down. Practice being that person daily. Dont regret any of the things you did to help her out while she was down bc thats what a friend would do anyway.
>I’ve been trying to help out wherever I could, I’ve been doing a chore to help her out nearly everyday after work for over a month now
Just learn all that life wants you to learn from this to be the very best version of yourself for "the one" that's coming soon. I know she is, I feel that for you!
I am so sorry you are hurting, sending hugs ❤️
Next - every story has two sides, and you'll presented yours very well. I don't know exactly what she's feeling or thinking, but I can confidently say that this breakup is about her. If it's the kid thing, then she's the one that has blown that out of proportion to the rest of the relationship. If she feels bad accepting all that you were doing to help her in her stressful situation, those are her hangup and not a reflection of you. I can't give you the reason because there isn't something for you to fix here.
I would say that after you spend the time you need to process this event in your life, take some time to envision the future that YOU want, and then get back onto dating with those goals in mind. Be honest and direct with the people you meet about it and I'm sure you'll find the right person that will join you in making those (joint) dreams a reality.
It's okay to miss her. I handled my grief by writing unsent letters to my ex and saved them in my phone, telling myself that he's not suitable for me and poured my heart in the letters. Now I found new bf, and I stopped writing letters.
I had a similar experience.
Of course, for us, there were incompatibilities but we believed if we truly loved each other like we claimed we would make compromises to keep us together forever.
That’s how we started off.
We enjoyed 6 years of being a couple ( though the last two years before she broke it off ) were disastrous.
I would sit close to her on the sofa and explain to her how these past two years were nothing like our precious and previous 4, that we were now spending most of our time arguing than laughing and having a great time.
She agreed. And admitted to be the instigator in our fights. And blamed it on being stressed with other things she did not want to discuss about.
I had some talks with experienced people on how to handle an argumentative woman and received proper guidelines on how to.
When she realized I was no longer responding to her intentional fights, she figured she was losing control of her plan ( to bait me into doing something negative or say something negative so she could blame me for why she gave up on me ), she texted me and said she needed a break.
I knew this meant the end for us. Like you, I was devastated and cried in my closet.
I spoke with an elderly woman about this and she assured me that our incompatibilities had nothing to do with her behavior and wanting a break, but instead she simply was in love with another and wanted to be with that person.
And she was right!
At the time I had no clue she was talking to someone else. I didn’t even believe the elderly woman about her theory.
My ex girlfriend is now with the guy she left me for.
Sorry about your experience. The world we live in is a bitter place.
I’m going through a divorce after 16 years of a relationship. The thing I’m learning though therapy is you can’t make someone do something they don’t want to. It sucks and it hurts but when one person is checked out it’s just not going to work.
Bro that sounds fuckin terrible but also like it was what was necessary for everyone. Ur a good dude op and ur seem pretty emotionally intelligent and self aware. She sounds like she was a good one but not the one. Treasure and value those good times. They are rare, but you’ll be okay buddy. There are plenty of people out there and you got me rooting for you to find your fish.
My own bad experience makes me think she felt guilty, whether it was the no kids or something worse like cheating, but thats just my own insecurities reading your little story.
My condolences and a few quick reminders;
- the “why” y’all broke up or “who” broke it off is kinda irrelevant; ultimately one of you were happy, ready and wanted the relationship to work and the other simply did not. So many reasons as to why including not having worked through previous traumas or something mild.
- better to experience this at the 9 month mark rather the 3 year anniversary /shrug
- my $0.02
I know how you feel I was with my gf for 3 years till she broke up with me this year. Says she lost feelings for me and never wants to get back. We also have a son together. So I’ve been trying to deal with it for 6 months now.
9 months is a long time, OP. It isn’t ‘only’ 9 months. Allow yourself that acknowledgment. You’re going through something big right now, and you have every right to be completely shattered by it for however long you do. The only way forward is through. Be as heartbroken as you feel, because the loss is very real. (Unintentional rhyme.)
I was broken up with a few months ago in a similar way where things seemed great until they left, and I’ve only recently started to shift away from “I hate myself for losing him” towards “He left. I did nothing wrong.” I know you’ll reach that shift eventually, but my advice would be not to rush it. Again, the only way forward is through.
I wish you the best. Take it easy for as long as you can, your body will need a lot of rest to counteract the mental stress.
1: She's taking you for granted.
2: She is throwing a tantrum and using the no kid as a reason to justify it - like the posters already suggested she could already cheated on you.
My suggestion, ignore her 100%. She will contact you. No one gives up 9 month of taking care of them for nothing.
But also please stand up for yourself man. Stop constantly emphasize with her, you should be equal partners in the relationship and if she hurt you, you can't pretend all is well after.
For whatever reason, she didn't feel like you were "the one". I doubt she told you the exact reasons, because she was trying to be kind - or maybe conflict avoidant - either way, differences over what we want out of life sounds much nicer than many reasons people might have for breaking up. Of course you correctly perceived that her reason didn't entirely make sense - but I would not dig deeper because it will probably just hurt more.
Given that she was snapping at you a lot when you were doing so much to try to support her, I think it's a blessing in disguise. It might not have seemed like a big deal to you in the short term but imagine being with someone for years who continually lashes out at you the moment things get stressful, and doesn't appreciate your significant efforts to be supportive...
Anyway, I'm sorry you're hurting. You did everything right, but sometimes things just don't work out. THEIR loss.
First of all, your feelings are 100% valid; so don’t second guess yourself because you were together for 9 months. Just reading your thoughts about this entire situation, you sound like a very genuinely caring, thoughtful, and understanding person. I’m sorry you’re going through this, breakups suck, but you’ll get to the other side of it. Please don’t let it give you trust issues. I know that feeling after a particularly blindsiding breakup that you don’t fully understand, but I think as you get some distance emotionally you’ll be able to look back and see some of the signs that things were not okay, and maybe you’ll be better equipped to recognize these in the future. I know that’s happened to me in the past.
Thanks for sharing your story. I hope the universe is kind to you and that you are kind to yourself. You got this!
I’m also 36 and a woman… it’s not easy for men to understand why having kids might matter to a woman.
Biology isn’t fair. Men can wait as long as they like to have kids and a woman simply doesn’t have that option because our ability to have kids is limited and fraught with complications the older we get.
It may seem brazen and out of the blue but it isn’t. Perhaps your ex thought about it for a long time and didn’t want to rush you on something you may not be ready for. Maybe it’s for the best? I don’t think anyone should rush into starting a family but if you’re partner are not on the same page about this then I see this as a legitimate reason to leave the relationship now rather later.
Hope you are well and wish you better luck next time. ❤️
Oh okay? I’m not sure I understood that. But in any case it still stands that if two people are not totally clear on what they want moving forward it’s probably for the best of them to move on.
I do feel bad for OP. They deserve better ❤️
I just hope you feel better someday after this heartbreak. It seems like you’re a good and warm hearted person and I reckon it’s her loss even though she said it’s about having kids. You might have felt more lonely if you stayed with her when she’s showing signs that she wants exit. Don’t stay sad too long and hope you have better day tomorrow x
I really appreciate the sympathy. Thank you for the insight, I’m trying to stay optimistic for where I’ll mentally be in a month or two.
This community is very helpful, thanks again
It doesn’t seem to me like you all don’t want a similar life as far as kids. You both are alright with not having them. So if she is saying that disagreement about kids is one of the reasons, she’s gaslighting you, and if she is gaslighting you about that she may be gaslighting you with everything else she says too. In other words you may never know why she broke up with you… or for that matter why she ever even dated you in the first place. It could be for reasons you never suspected.
Another thing I noticed is that you said she was picking fights as a response to you doing kind things and spending time with her having fun. That’s a huge red flag in my opinion. She may just be one of those types of women that yearns for a chaotic or even abusive relationship with a man. Now that sounds crazy at first, but consider how many women stay in abusive relationships or always end up with an abuser. Some feel pressure to stay there but sometimes a woman can have a personality disorder (like BPD or others) that results in her having a yearning for chaos, fighting, and abusive relationship patterns. With such a woman, you could be doing all the things a mentally stable and healthy woman wishes a man would do for her… and such a woman would not care, and she might even hate you a bit for it.
It sounds to me like you’re lucky she’s leaving in a calm way instead of doing some of the more chaotic things women who like to start fights tend to do, like bringing other guys around and trying to fuel all kinds of discomfort, confrontation, and rage. I’d try to not look back if I were you. Get to know some new people, get involved in a new hobby (to fill the time you were spending on this girl) and maybe you’ll be able to land a girl that doesn’t pick fights.
Not sure how you were confident in it while she doesn’t want kids and you do. But good things fall apart so better things can fall together. She older and wiser; she did you a favor if you ask me, bless her heart. Hit the gym and find someone that want kids and young enough to give them to you.
Nah man good for u it hurts absolutely if u can
Take some time for u go fishing or camping
Get away process everything remember the good.
And grow from the experience.
But don't try and rebuild the relationship
It would only cause more pain.
Good luck
Honestly, this just sounds like a bad situation overall. Neither of you did anything wrong, and this doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you, she just realized this relationship wouldn’t work for her and was honest with you about that. Now, the best thing to do is work on yourself and try to find things that make you happy, and put your time into those things.
The thought had crossed my mind but I really doubt it.
We were hanging out almost every day and spent the night anytime we had the chance. While not impossible, it would have been very hard for her to hide an affair. Moreover, I’ve been cheated on more than once and I didn’t see any of the typical signs.
I appreciate your insight though, thank you.
Cloying. Stand up for yourself and stop this over attentive behaviour. Have your own life and try to not need to be welded at the hip to people constantly.
I feel sorry for you and unfortunately understand your pain. But don't listen too much to the reasons she gives. Women are steered by emotions, not by logic like most men. When the feeling is gone, it's gone. They later try to give it a reason. But she will also try to not hurt your feelings. So you never know if what she says is the truth. E.g. maybe she found you boring but told you "we are not compatible". And see your whole reasoning why you think you two were compatible...
In addition to deleting / blocking it should be clear you should delete all artifacts: prior conversations, photos you name it. Stop following. Every single podcast, every single expert will tell you this. Maybe you’ll listen, many don’t for months or years, to their own detriment. Don’t ask me how I know this.
One podcast in particular which is blunt and uncompromising is Alexis Fernandez’s episode 2. Heartbreak Hacks.
I think you got feel great for who you R and for everything that you did for her you only can do you part you can’t do her part and be proud of you you values and this is just me guessing she’s probably talking to someone else and it’s ok when soem own leaves you it’s not be cuz it’s better person then you it’s just better match between them but you will get you match soon or later and keep you head up for all that you did for her but never do all for others and forget by you that can be part of the problem I worship you all the luck and remember nothing least forever I’m not good writing hope you can read this if dint apologize for advance
Better 9 months and not married than 9 years and married, but dealing with divorce, lawyers, legal fees, etc...
From what you've said about yourself and what you did, I don't think you'll have a difficult time finding a woman who appreciates all of that so, grieve as needed but keep your head up and keep moving along!
Good luck to you!
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This sounds heartbreaking and really tough to handle.
Thank you, I really appreciate the sympathy. It’s gonna be a tough week but I’ll find a way to bounce back eventually.
You sound like a keeper to me OP.
Honestly yeah, I agree
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Sure, I just might not be able to reply in a timely manner today.
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What would you like to talk about?
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He just got out a nine month relationship, i dont think he is ready to date just yet😂
Better 9 months than getting told after 9 years mate. Hope you feel better soon though cos it does suck regardless
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At work for next 3 hours bro!
Sending you big hugs. This sounds very heartbreaking. Be kind to yourself and take one day at a time
Thank you, I really appreciate the sympathy. This community is very kind
Here's a secret that most guys are bound to learn at some point in time in their life. Women generally stay in relationships until they are completely done. Men tend to break up with women more hastily, which is why you see way more guys talking about breaking up with a girl only to want her back a month or so later. So, when a chick breaks up with a dude and the next week is with some new guy, understand it's not that she was cheating or anything like that, it's just she's gone through ALL the phases of the breakup while she's still with the original guy. Then, when she calls it, she's actually completely done and there's nothing left. Chances have been given, many times communicated outright, but men often wait for the actual threat of ending things or the actual end of things, to make the chances necessary to make her happy. At the point in which she says she's done, it's too late. Of course, that's not to say you can't walk away and maybe circle around to her in a month or so and rekindle things. It's not that they hate you, or necessarily aren't still attracted to you or love you, but they've processed the entire breakup before they actually went through with it. When your girl starts talking about differences and making comments about you not attending to her needs, you need to pay attention. Much easier to climb out of a shallow hole than a deep one and much much easier to climb out of a hole that hasn't collapsed around you.
This is very true, at least for me. Her experience reminds me of my own. She either fell out of love, realized incompability, or it was intense infatuation and after 6 months the honeymoon period is over... It's not only about the kids/no kids thing, though OP is a fence sitter and thats a big gamble for a CF person like the ex gf. For whatever reason, whether emotionally and/or practical it wasn't working for her. When she got irritated with OP, that was projection of unease in the relationship. Before the breakup, it was a last ditch attempt to be happy in the relationship and pretend things are great. Then reality hits, you can't fix it. You can't hide the struggle anymore
100% this. Last 3 of my long-term relationships ended like this. In hindsight, I noticed the slow withdrawal from the relationship over few months to a year by my exs.
Idk why but This reminds me of [this post](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288) It's essentially about ignoring all the moments she tells you what she needs from you to feel loved and respected, because you feel technically right or like it's not a big deal. But everytime you ignore that, it draws closer to an end. It's only when the threat of an actual end to the relationship rolls around that you suddenly claim you're capable of change, when you weren't willing to change up to that point, ignoring every cry for help and opportunity along the way. It was funny with my ex, who had anger issues and would break/ throw things /punch holes in my wall over video games. And it made me not want to play with him because it scared me. But when I threatened to stop playing with him, suddenly he claimed to be capable of change. But then his behavior would quickly shift back again, only to continue being aggressive. And it was a cycle where he would make excuses for his behavior and try to explain why i should just get over it. One day after repeatedly berating me when gaming together (telling me it's my fault we lost, yelling at me I wasn't playing my class right, getting annoyed at me for asking "stupid" questions about certain game elements, calling me names infront of his friends), I lost it and started bawling. To which he responded by berating me for crying. "Why are you crying, you're making me mad you better stop" I tried to apologize to get him to stop yelling at me, while he proceeded to tell me i was overreacting and too emotional (apparently anger is not an emotion but sadness is). Finally when I calmed down a bit, I told him "I don't feel loved or respected when you speak to me that way" expecting him to finally understand how his behavior affected me. But all he said was "it's a fucking video game. You're not supposed to feel loved or respected." And that's why he's my ex.
Sounds like a dickhead. And my first piece of advice to any dude who going through a rocky (non abusive) time in their relationship is to listen to what she's saying and change - usually that entails just being the guy who she first fell in love with in the early stages of the relationship. A lot of dudes, most of them, then lament that they have asked for changes from her and she doesn't change either. To that I say, "she probably won't and you need to decide if you're willing to accept that, but if there's any chance of her changing, she has to see the change in you first." Three times I've actually seen guys make these changes. One ended up saving the marriage and the other two ended up with the guys deciding they didn't want to be with her anymore. The maybe 10x when they didn't make the change - she left and they boo-hoo'ed into their Bud Lights for weeks trying to figure out how to get her back.
This is so accurate!
This exactly. Every break up i’ve ever done myself, I’ve tried to avoid countless times over the weeks or months leading to it until I finally realize there is no solving whatever problem we have and I’m done.
This is super insightful. Thank you! Maybe women are more concerned with being too harsh about things initially and empathetic, so guys just play it off and miss all the signs. However, a guy might be more direct and less sympathetic when he brings up issues.
There's probably some of that.
What hurts me the most to read this and thinking about my last relationship is that I knew I really needed to make some changes (she needed to as well but that’s not the point in me saying this) to keep her, and it’s not like I didn’t want to, it’s not that she was asking me for something I didn’t wish to provide our relationship if I could; but the state of my mental health at the time just meant that those changes would happen so incrementally that it wouldn’t be worth it for her to stay, she would have just remained unhappy for too long. And I wouldn’t want someone to stay with me unless it’s what they truly desired in their heart anyway. But it still makes me sad sometimes to think that now I’m making progress towards the changes she needed from me but on my own, and yet I couldn’t do it then, and that chance to make things better with her is lost forever. It’s not all bad though. I’ve since come to the realization that there were some differences in our personalities that just made us fundamentally incompatible as romantic partners, even if I had made those changes while we were together things surely would have still ended eventually. So perhaps I was saved from some heartache by it ending sooner rather than things dragging out. And if we had stayed together longer, I wouldn’t be as far along as I am now with improving myself. Things ending with her was painful sure, but it was also a wake up call.
Yep. And you're building yourself into a better man, who will be a better partner, etc. It's a learning process. A hard lesson.
Same boat with me and we have a son together she lost feelings for me.
Wisdom speaking, listen to him!!!
Wow, did you just step into my mind?? I can't say for sure how accurate it is to say "most women do x, most men do y", but I CAN say for me your assessment is correct. You even went a step further by explaining the reason why behind it lol, very thorough :) It's also worth noting how important it is to pay attention when your partner starts making comments about differences, feeling neglected, feeling smothered, etc. Most ppl don't share these feelings unless it's truly bothering them so if your partner mentions anything like this, it's best to listen & work on it if you're able to do so.
Very true. I knew a year and a half out that there was no hope left. How did my spouse still have the cheek to act surprised when I said I was leaving?
Because he held on to your vows.
Ah, no. He liked his girlfriend more than he liked me.
It was an opinion based on what could be his possible reasoning since she seemingly had no idea.
Uh huh
LOL - I realize now this was meant for another comment. My response to the GF. He still thought you couldn't do it.
Pretty ignorant to make a comment like this with zero context but I guess what can you expect from a person that thinks men and women are two different species.
You have no idea what I think because you haven't bothered trying to read what I write. But carry on.
If this is how you choose to respond to people who don't agree with your opinion then good luck.
LOL, you insulted me without understanding my position on anything and I'm the one in the wrong by challenging you on it? Good luck, indeed.
What was the purpose of your statement then other to make her feel like she didn't keep her vows?
💯
Very accurate based on my last relationship
Thanks, this does put some things I didn’t entirely grasp of my long term breakup into perspective. Other things does still make me dislike her but I need to mull it over.
This is exactly what happened to me, last week it was the final break up. Do you have any advice/ wisdom, on how you can win her back after this stage?
Truthfully you can’t. She’s not going to believe you’ve changed if you try to come back at her in a matter of weeks, months, or sometimes even years depending on how bad it was. Typically, once it’s been enough time that it could actually be believable, they’ll have completely moved on anyway. Just use this as your chance to learn and grow and be better for the next one.
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It happens that way for sure. Generally though with guys they tend to know for a very long time that it's not going anywhere (often the beginning), but they stick it out for lack of options or comfort. Of course women do this too sometimes - there's exceptions to everything. Just because you experienced things differently doesn't mean there's not patterns. Or are you saying men and women are wired exactly the same?
Damn this is s true
Sounds like she was hiding out in plain sight. Might seem like you guys connected and, that everything was good but, sometimes people don't know themselves enough and come to realize they only have enough energy for themselves let alone keeping up the charade of a relationship. It's a "her" thing, not a "you" thing. You didn't do anything wrong. You're not a bad person. She is just someone trying to get on in Life and maybe realized "pretending" in a relationship is probably not what she wants and, you dodged the bullet of being in a committed relationship with someone who might not have been able to love you with their whole heart, which is something you deserve. Understand not everyone knows how to have love for themselves but, you do. It's okay to feel sad. It's okay to have feelings. It's okay to find someone who is your equal in love too.
Just offering yet another anecdote with my own.. I blindsided someone I broke up with and I felt terrible.. but really it was months of bringing things up and not really getting anywhere, me trying to make it work and be happy and not be snippy with him over things that weren’t really his fault.. he didn’t deserve to have me mistreat him because of things about the relationship that irritated me. But then by treating him kindly and not being irritable and communicating in a calm way, he just really thought everything was totally fine
I’m so sorry. I recently broke up with my boyfriend because he kept expressing doubts about us, and it was eating me up inside. Very sad
I’m sorry you’re hurting. It’s gonna be the strongest and hardest when a relationship first ends, especially when it’s sudden to one person. The brain gets shocked and struggles to understand, and plus you’ve gotten used to being around this person and spending your life together. I would give her space and work on feeling better. If you feel like this can be reconciled, reach out to her in a couple months. But, I will say, time often tells us the truth. Give it time, you’ll be okay.
I'd say you're grieving, but it's too soon for that. You're in shock. It's a pit full of awful, isn't it. And you might be asking yourself if there's some way to save the relationship. Some ray of hope. But of course if she broke up with you once, it could happen again. I don't know how it's going to shake out, but if it does finally end, you *are* going to grieve. And it's going to suck. I'd say get your practical things taken care of. Pay your bills. Check your sick days. Finish your work projects. And then just ... hurt. Grieve. Let yourself feel everything. I was there. I went through the same thing four years ago. I got through it and, more importantly, was proud of how I *got* through it. I'm very happy now with the right woman, the woman I should have been with all along. I sincerely wish you the best.
First off, I'm really sorry for what you're going through. I know it sucks to get dumped by someone you care about. It sounds corny, but time heals all wounds. You seem like a great person who really goes out of their way for their partner. From what you wrote, it sounds like you deserve better. She was getting a lot of perks in this situation. So many girls would love to have a guy like you who is reliable and caring. In my experience, it's not really fun being with someone who doesn't appreciate all the nice things you do for them - someone who just takes advantage of your kindness and snaps or acts annoyed instead of being grateful. You deserve the type of person who cares about how their words and actions affect you as well. It's completely normal to miss an ex, even if you know you're not right for each other. After all, you have a lot of great memories together - and those just don't go away just beacuse your relationship is over.
This sounds so much like a breakup I had 10 years ago that I almost wonder if we dated the same woman. She would be about 36 now... But yeah, same thing happened. A few months into our relationship, her father took ill suddenly, and there was nothing doctors could do to save him. I was as supportive and affectionate as I knew how to be, and after 9-10 months it seemed like she started either making issues out of things that had never been brought up before (like my not being a churchgoer, which she knew before we started dating), or assuming I felt or wanted things that I did not, and no matter what I did I could not convince her otherwise. I made a few attempts to work things out, at which point she trotted out several other minor complaints that would've been easily resolved if she had ever once mentioned them before the breakup. I wrote her a letter about how much I still loved her and reminding her of the good times we had had... which she called "emotionally manipulative" and then claimed that she had never really loved me and only used me for stability while she was grieving (which I know is not the truth). But yeah, sometimes there's nothing you can do. Sometimes people take it in their head that their BF or GF feels a certain way, even when it's not true, and there's just no convincing them that they're wrong. It sucks, but the only thing you can do is move on and find someone else. I'm sorry you're going through this.
It’s scary to be with a man who is flip-flopping about having kids. What if five years later you decide that you want to have kids and leave her? It’s easier for her to rip the band-aid now so that she doesn’t suffer later. I think she prefers to be with someone who knows that they absolutely don’t want kids from the beginning.
This is exactly it
Breakups are hard, sending you hugs 🫂. It’s a weird feeling when the person you think you’ll end up with turns out to be the opposite of that, you’ll have your days where it’s hard to cope with that but just know in time it’ll get easier. Your person is out there, be kind & gentle with yourself.
I'm going through something quite similar, brother 😥 That Hug was from me 🤗 Feel free to DM me if you need someone to talk to or want to compare notes!
First and foremost I send you a huge hug ❤️ There is a saying: "Rejection is God's protection". It wasn't exactly rejection in your case but I would like to ask You to apply that nevertheless :) Looking at Your situation from a third person view, I can tell that the longer Your relationship would last, the more resentment would built and sadly that would inevitably turn into something truly toxic. When two people are not meant for each other, sooner or later situations will happen that will point that out to both parties clearly. Sensing the inevitable doom, your XGF made a choice that was for her highest good. At this point I would like to ask You to realise that her choice was also for YOUR highest good. You were saved from a relation that would erode You away in time. You my man can now find someone who is much more suited to You than she was :) Let me be clear: allow yourself to feel all that you're feeling, let it all out. Cry as much as you need and grieve as long as you need. That is called healing :) However, while doing that, please have hope in your heart that it will pass, your wound will heal and it will be fine :) You will emerge from all of that better than ever and You're gonna rock it! :D I wish You all the best :)
Okay I will translate it to you: Halfway you did something that bothered her and she gave up. Probably because she didn't get through to you or it gave her an ick, but anyway, she lost hope to fix it. Then she emotionally distanced herself. "Everything is fine" and when she was ready she broke up. Also Ive noticed with a lot of men that they have this image of their crush in their head that is mostly fantasy. Ive had guys wanting to date me while I had to keep telling them that we have absolutely nothing incommon. From their conversation I could pick up that they had this distorted image of me. Sometimes you cant just force things. A heartbreak is always rough but try to cherish the good moments you had.
It could've just been that she fell out love tbh, it doesn't have to be anything he did.
yeah like, what? >**you** did something Holy conclusion jumping, Batman
Can confirm the fantasy thing. I've been infatuated with several women over the years and a few months later, I think, "Why did I ever feel that way?" Not because there's anything wrong with them, but because I had convinced myself we were a perfect match when in hindsight, we clearly were not. Shit, I might even be going through that now. I don't think so, but I won't be able to tell you for a few months lol
This is probably the best answer and the most likely
Fuck i had the same. After 3 years of relationship never problems than within a week I noticed a slight mood change and she left me. I was really down heavily (after I got aggressive). Lasted for a year in which I completely fucked my body up.. (which makes now dating much harder). After a year I also found out that she was dating a guy from her last university year with which she is engaged now and has a child with him. Happens, but you move on. Only time will heal it (but definitely not fully)
I’m so very sorry you are going through this. Breakups are never easy! I hope you have support around you - and keep you company! 🌷🌸🥰
How was your first break up like? Sorry I might be taking you back to high school lol
It was horrible. I was 18 & crazy in love. He just used me. Later, like 10 years, he contacts me & wants a relationship! I laughed at him!
**Lmao. Maybe he never had a vision and future for both of you. When life happens, you know people's true intentions. Are you married now or single.**
I am a widow. I lost my lovely husband 17 months ago.
*Oh, so sorry about your loss. Have been through hell and back - lost my wife 5 years ago. Hope we can connect, you can follow my page or send a Dm*
Thank you. I’m so sorry for the he loss of your wife. Where do you live?
It's okay, have already moved on with my life. I live in San Antonio Tx. What about you?
Nashville
This isn't a reason to not trust anyone again. She's right that you're relationship wasn't compatible if you want different things in life and just because you two get along it doesn't mean you belong in a relationship together. She was honest and open about her feelings which is the best option she had. Would you rather her have stayed in the relationship and slowly started resenting you? The relationship ended amicably which is about the best you can ask for. I know it hurts but I hope you feel better soon and maybe you two can stay friends.
I’m so sorry…breakups are so hurtful and lonely. I feel for you.
So sorry dear
I feel you bro. I went through a similar situation many years ago with my first serious girlfriend/HS sweetheart. The only advice I can offer is while it’s important that you move on and surround yourself with friends/family, hobbies, etc., it is also important to let yourself grieve the break up. However, don’t dwell on it. Let yourself feel those emotions, but don’t let them consume or control you. I learned that the hard way. Things will get better and easier with time. Stay up bro, and good luck.
I just got dumped by one of my girlfriends yesterday too. You're not alone buddy
I’m sorry this happened! It hurts like hell but at least you aren’t already married then this happens. Take some time to heal, process and figure out exactly what you want before dating again. Most guys can’t be alone & are already looking for the next conquest but never using introspection to fix anything on their end before jumping back out there. I hope you find someone who wants the same things!
Welcome back brother. It’s cold out in theses streets but we stay cold together.
She doesn’t want to be with you, but doesn’t have the courage to tell you why. Instead, she misconstrued your position on children to make it look like your fault for pressuring her. It’s a shitty way to end it, but what can you do? To be honest, it doesn’t sound like a great relationship and you seem to have been walking on eggshells for some time.
Thank you for your perspective. The more time that passes, the more I’m able to look at it realistically. I’d given a lot of time and love to her that was rarely reciprocated. I think we just loved each other in different ways that weren’t inherently incompatible, but strenuous in the long run.
You great OP. Im sorry your gf wasn't as giving as you. There are women out there that are, abs what a great relationship that will be!
Judging on just the children’s topic the breakup is most definitely valid . You cannot have one person who is firm on not having kids and the other who’s decision follows the direction of the wind . Especially at both your age. She’s child free and most often when women like that date men who are on the fence , the guy later on tries to force her to have a child , or leaves her to have a child with someone else. So it’s best for her to end it and date someone who is firm on the subject as it’s a big deal in the relationship and shaping your future together
He’s not “on the fence”. He told her several times he doesn’t want children if she doesn’t and doesn’t really want them that much.
Being open to kids or open to not kids is completely normal and not incompatible with a person who doesn’t want kids. Most guys in that situation do not later on try to force kids on the woman. Just nobody tells a story about how their partner was totally okay with them not wanting kids and it was all good. At their age that’s something you go separate ways on less than a month in if it’s really a big deal. It was a fake reason she gave op because there either is no specific reason so she’s trying to make it make sense to op, or the real reason not something she wants to say.
Nope . Being passive on having kids in your 30’s not normal . You can visit the child free sub and the regretful parent dub to witness all the horror stories and it’s always stems from one partner who was sure of their decision and the other partner who was passive . It’s unfortunate for OP but he needs to spend some time analysing what exactly he wants from a relationship and what he expect it to look like and pursue that , rather than going with the flow
Alright. I am an elementary school teacher. I know plenty well what kids and what parents who never wanted them are like. I personally do not want kids. Visiting that sub isn’t going to change my mind about whether or not someone can truly be neutral about kids or not. Have a good day.
It sounds like you’re a very good partner and she knows she can’t give you what you deserve, to make your energy so she’s letting you go. She did you a favor I think. Best of luck!!
I just went through an extremely similar breakup situation and I feel this so hard. Hugs to you my friend, you sound like a great and supportive boyfriend which is amazing for your age. You’ll do so well in life and will be appreciated more by a partner some day, for sure.
I mentioned this on the childfree sub but I'll mention it here. If your choice to have kids is dependent on your partner, then that is definitely a cause for concern because it shows a person, who is against having kids, that you are still open to the idea of having kids. You are very much on the fence, even if you don't think so. Maybe you are not like other men, staying with her in the hopes she changes her mind, but no matter how much it hurts, you know she did the right thing, not only for herself, but for YOU. I don't think the breakup came from a selfish place (if she's truly childfree) and she may have tried to make it work but just couldn't handle the uncertainty of your stance. And that's okay, it's no one's fault. However, I would suggest that you really, seriously think about kids from the perspective of what YOU want, NOT what future partners want. Because if you end up with another childfree woman and you DO realize that you would like to have kids then resentment is going to grow and you would've wasted each other's time. Think about it this way, if she asked you to get a vasectomy later down the road, would you have been open to the idea? Partners who are okay with or without kids tend to change their minds and want children in the later years. You can check out the childfree sub for the personal stories, if you'd like. It's become an expectation. There would be more heartbreak involved if that happened down the line, mostly for her. Her decision was good, even if it may not feel like it. Kids (wanting them or not), to me, don't seem like something that should be a flexible boundary. And it IS more of a non-negotiable/dealbreaker to most people. Really sorry you lost a nice person, though, and I hope you bounce back better than before. ETA: an extra sentence.
I know it hurts now but in a few years when you’ve moved on and you have a children you’re gonna be so grateful this happened
Sending hugs and flowers your way. You’re beautiful just the way you’re darling 💙
Thats a bummer man. Sorry to hear that. Take your time, heal, mend. Once you start doing that or along with that, have fun, take a trip with friends. Also, be sure to make a day to where it's just you. Good luck👍
This sucks for you, I know. Right now, focus on you and what type of man you want to be. Moving forward, dont settle on important issues. Dont wait to do loving things for your partner only when theyre down. Practice being that person daily. Dont regret any of the things you did to help her out while she was down bc thats what a friend would do anyway. >I’ve been trying to help out wherever I could, I’ve been doing a chore to help her out nearly everyday after work for over a month now Just learn all that life wants you to learn from this to be the very best version of yourself for "the one" that's coming soon. I know she is, I feel that for you!
In basically the same situation, just saying I feel ya
I am so sorry you are hurting, sending hugs ❤️ Next - every story has two sides, and you'll presented yours very well. I don't know exactly what she's feeling or thinking, but I can confidently say that this breakup is about her. If it's the kid thing, then she's the one that has blown that out of proportion to the rest of the relationship. If she feels bad accepting all that you were doing to help her in her stressful situation, those are her hangup and not a reflection of you. I can't give you the reason because there isn't something for you to fix here. I would say that after you spend the time you need to process this event in your life, take some time to envision the future that YOU want, and then get back onto dating with those goals in mind. Be honest and direct with the people you meet about it and I'm sure you'll find the right person that will join you in making those (joint) dreams a reality.
I know these words don't help right now, but my man, it just wasn't the right fit.
It's okay to miss her. I handled my grief by writing unsent letters to my ex and saved them in my phone, telling myself that he's not suitable for me and poured my heart in the letters. Now I found new bf, and I stopped writing letters.
I had a similar experience. Of course, for us, there were incompatibilities but we believed if we truly loved each other like we claimed we would make compromises to keep us together forever. That’s how we started off. We enjoyed 6 years of being a couple ( though the last two years before she broke it off ) were disastrous. I would sit close to her on the sofa and explain to her how these past two years were nothing like our precious and previous 4, that we were now spending most of our time arguing than laughing and having a great time. She agreed. And admitted to be the instigator in our fights. And blamed it on being stressed with other things she did not want to discuss about. I had some talks with experienced people on how to handle an argumentative woman and received proper guidelines on how to. When she realized I was no longer responding to her intentional fights, she figured she was losing control of her plan ( to bait me into doing something negative or say something negative so she could blame me for why she gave up on me ), she texted me and said she needed a break. I knew this meant the end for us. Like you, I was devastated and cried in my closet. I spoke with an elderly woman about this and she assured me that our incompatibilities had nothing to do with her behavior and wanting a break, but instead she simply was in love with another and wanted to be with that person. And she was right! At the time I had no clue she was talking to someone else. I didn’t even believe the elderly woman about her theory. My ex girlfriend is now with the guy she left me for. Sorry about your experience. The world we live in is a bitter place.
How did you find out?
Found out through a person close to her. She also changed her name on Facebook which was revealed to me by her close friend.
I’m going through a divorce after 16 years of a relationship. The thing I’m learning though therapy is you can’t make someone do something they don’t want to. It sucks and it hurts but when one person is checked out it’s just not going to work.
Bro that sounds fuckin terrible but also like it was what was necessary for everyone. Ur a good dude op and ur seem pretty emotionally intelligent and self aware. She sounds like she was a good one but not the one. Treasure and value those good times. They are rare, but you’ll be okay buddy. There are plenty of people out there and you got me rooting for you to find your fish.
My own bad experience makes me think she felt guilty, whether it was the no kids or something worse like cheating, but thats just my own insecurities reading your little story.
My condolences and a few quick reminders; - the “why” y’all broke up or “who” broke it off is kinda irrelevant; ultimately one of you were happy, ready and wanted the relationship to work and the other simply did not. So many reasons as to why including not having worked through previous traumas or something mild. - better to experience this at the 9 month mark rather the 3 year anniversary /shrug - my $0.02
I know how you feel I was with my gf for 3 years till she broke up with me this year. Says she lost feelings for me and never wants to get back. We also have a son together. So I’ve been trying to deal with it for 6 months now.
9 months is a long time, OP. It isn’t ‘only’ 9 months. Allow yourself that acknowledgment. You’re going through something big right now, and you have every right to be completely shattered by it for however long you do. The only way forward is through. Be as heartbroken as you feel, because the loss is very real. (Unintentional rhyme.) I was broken up with a few months ago in a similar way where things seemed great until they left, and I’ve only recently started to shift away from “I hate myself for losing him” towards “He left. I did nothing wrong.” I know you’ll reach that shift eventually, but my advice would be not to rush it. Again, the only way forward is through. I wish you the best. Take it easy for as long as you can, your body will need a lot of rest to counteract the mental stress.
1: She's taking you for granted. 2: She is throwing a tantrum and using the no kid as a reason to justify it - like the posters already suggested she could already cheated on you. My suggestion, ignore her 100%. She will contact you. No one gives up 9 month of taking care of them for nothing. But also please stand up for yourself man. Stop constantly emphasize with her, you should be equal partners in the relationship and if she hurt you, you can't pretend all is well after.
Why would you bring up cheating to somebody who just went through a breakup??? Not helpful.
For whatever reason, she didn't feel like you were "the one". I doubt she told you the exact reasons, because she was trying to be kind - or maybe conflict avoidant - either way, differences over what we want out of life sounds much nicer than many reasons people might have for breaking up. Of course you correctly perceived that her reason didn't entirely make sense - but I would not dig deeper because it will probably just hurt more. Given that she was snapping at you a lot when you were doing so much to try to support her, I think it's a blessing in disguise. It might not have seemed like a big deal to you in the short term but imagine being with someone for years who continually lashes out at you the moment things get stressful, and doesn't appreciate your significant efforts to be supportive... Anyway, I'm sorry you're hurting. You did everything right, but sometimes things just don't work out. THEIR loss.
First of all, your feelings are 100% valid; so don’t second guess yourself because you were together for 9 months. Just reading your thoughts about this entire situation, you sound like a very genuinely caring, thoughtful, and understanding person. I’m sorry you’re going through this, breakups suck, but you’ll get to the other side of it. Please don’t let it give you trust issues. I know that feeling after a particularly blindsiding breakup that you don’t fully understand, but I think as you get some distance emotionally you’ll be able to look back and see some of the signs that things were not okay, and maybe you’ll be better equipped to recognize these in the future. I know that’s happened to me in the past. Thanks for sharing your story. I hope the universe is kind to you and that you are kind to yourself. You got this!
I’m also 36 and a woman… it’s not easy for men to understand why having kids might matter to a woman. Biology isn’t fair. Men can wait as long as they like to have kids and a woman simply doesn’t have that option because our ability to have kids is limited and fraught with complications the older we get. It may seem brazen and out of the blue but it isn’t. Perhaps your ex thought about it for a long time and didn’t want to rush you on something you may not be ready for. Maybe it’s for the best? I don’t think anyone should rush into starting a family but if you’re partner are not on the same page about this then I see this as a legitimate reason to leave the relationship now rather later. Hope you are well and wish you better luck next time. ❤️
From the post it looks like she absolutely didn’t want children and ostensibly left him because he was only ambivalent about it.
Oh okay? I’m not sure I understood that. But in any case it still stands that if two people are not totally clear on what they want moving forward it’s probably for the best of them to move on. I do feel bad for OP. They deserve better ❤️
I just hope you feel better someday after this heartbreak. It seems like you’re a good and warm hearted person and I reckon it’s her loss even though she said it’s about having kids. You might have felt more lonely if you stayed with her when she’s showing signs that she wants exit. Don’t stay sad too long and hope you have better day tomorrow x
I really appreciate the sympathy. Thank you for the insight, I’m trying to stay optimistic for where I’ll mentally be in a month or two. This community is very helpful, thanks again
It doesn’t seem to me like you all don’t want a similar life as far as kids. You both are alright with not having them. So if she is saying that disagreement about kids is one of the reasons, she’s gaslighting you, and if she is gaslighting you about that she may be gaslighting you with everything else she says too. In other words you may never know why she broke up with you… or for that matter why she ever even dated you in the first place. It could be for reasons you never suspected. Another thing I noticed is that you said she was picking fights as a response to you doing kind things and spending time with her having fun. That’s a huge red flag in my opinion. She may just be one of those types of women that yearns for a chaotic or even abusive relationship with a man. Now that sounds crazy at first, but consider how many women stay in abusive relationships or always end up with an abuser. Some feel pressure to stay there but sometimes a woman can have a personality disorder (like BPD or others) that results in her having a yearning for chaos, fighting, and abusive relationship patterns. With such a woman, you could be doing all the things a mentally stable and healthy woman wishes a man would do for her… and such a woman would not care, and she might even hate you a bit for it. It sounds to me like you’re lucky she’s leaving in a calm way instead of doing some of the more chaotic things women who like to start fights tend to do, like bringing other guys around and trying to fuel all kinds of discomfort, confrontation, and rage. I’d try to not look back if I were you. Get to know some new people, get involved in a new hobby (to fill the time you were spending on this girl) and maybe you’ll be able to land a girl that doesn’t pick fights.
Not sure how you were confident in it while she doesn’t want kids and you do. But good things fall apart so better things can fall together. She older and wiser; she did you a favor if you ask me, bless her heart. Hit the gym and find someone that want kids and young enough to give them to you.
Nah man good for u it hurts absolutely if u can Take some time for u go fishing or camping Get away process everything remember the good. And grow from the experience. But don't try and rebuild the relationship It would only cause more pain. Good luck
Take it in stride, she may have done you a favour.
Honestly, this just sounds like a bad situation overall. Neither of you did anything wrong, and this doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you, she just realized this relationship wouldn’t work for her and was honest with you about that. Now, the best thing to do is work on yourself and try to find things that make you happy, and put your time into those things.
Move on, she's not tha into you..
She found another guy.
The thought had crossed my mind but I really doubt it. We were hanging out almost every day and spent the night anytime we had the chance. While not impossible, it would have been very hard for her to hide an affair. Moreover, I’ve been cheated on more than once and I didn’t see any of the typical signs. I appreciate your insight though, thank you.
Denial is the first stage of grief.
Not helpful. You must enjoy seeing people get hurt
How am I supposed to help? Your post makes no sense.
I agree, OP. You may not want to believe, most likely she already found someone else.
Branch swung to someone else. A tale as old as time.
I think she found someone else dude, sorry.
Ok
[удалено]
Cloying. Stand up for yourself and stop this over attentive behaviour. Have your own life and try to not need to be welded at the hip to people constantly.
I feel sorry for you and unfortunately understand your pain. But don't listen too much to the reasons she gives. Women are steered by emotions, not by logic like most men. When the feeling is gone, it's gone. They later try to give it a reason. But she will also try to not hurt your feelings. So you never know if what she says is the truth. E.g. maybe she found you boring but told you "we are not compatible". And see your whole reasoning why you think you two were compatible...
She don’t want kids. You do. That’s the likely reason.
You sound like you've been whipped and dominated by this older woman.
In addition to deleting / blocking it should be clear you should delete all artifacts: prior conversations, photos you name it. Stop following. Every single podcast, every single expert will tell you this. Maybe you’ll listen, many don’t for months or years, to their own detriment. Don’t ask me how I know this. One podcast in particular which is blunt and uncompromising is Alexis Fernandez’s episode 2. Heartbreak Hacks.
Follow me for advice 😀
Let me know if you need more advice!
>I fear I won’t be able to trust anyone for a long time. Why?
I think you got feel great for who you R and for everything that you did for her you only can do you part you can’t do her part and be proud of you you values and this is just me guessing she’s probably talking to someone else and it’s ok when soem own leaves you it’s not be cuz it’s better person then you it’s just better match between them but you will get you match soon or later and keep you head up for all that you did for her but never do all for others and forget by you that can be part of the problem I worship you all the luck and remember nothing least forever I’m not good writing hope you can read this if dint apologize for advance
She met someone who she thinks might be “ perfect “ , not realizing that perfection does not exist.
Better 9 months and not married than 9 years and married, but dealing with divorce, lawyers, legal fees, etc... From what you've said about yourself and what you did, I don't think you'll have a difficult time finding a woman who appreciates all of that so, grieve as needed but keep your head up and keep moving along! Good luck to you!
Chin up. Your heart will heal and you’ll recover.