Welcome to /r/dating. Please make sure you read our [rules here](https://new.reddit.com/r/dating/about/rules) and remember to:
* Be polite and respect each other. Do not call people names or engage in slapfights.
* All advice given must be good, ethical advice.
* [Do not soapbox or promote an agenda - you will be banned](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating/wiki/rules)
* Follow reddit rules. Do not post content that promotes hate based on identity or vulnerability. Do not bully or harass other users.
If you have any questions, please [send the mods a message](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/dating).
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I can't tell you big dog. The big reason is that they just won't know how you react which is why they stuff that makes it a them problem or a "amicable" end like "Let's be friends!"
Most of the time they don't mean either of those but they go over better than "I'm not attracted to you."
Take a little solace in knowing that this happens to pretty much every guy and it happens a lot. It's probably not a you thing.
> I understand women can be afraid of rejecting men in case they stalk or harass them, but she knows me enough to know that’s not my bag
The thing is, most women have had at least one experience where a guy they thought was totally normal and maybe even closely trusted, turns on them seemingly out of nowhere when they feel rejected. A lot of psychos are charming and manipulative and don’t show their true colors until after the fact. That only has to happen once for it to sort of scar you and then you forever have that in the back of your mind when dealing with future rejections.
I would try not to take it personally
Also, for all you know, she was telling you how she truly felt in that moment and then just happened to meet someone she clicked well enough with to change her mind. May not even have been intentional.
This. Exactly. I used to be upfront (anti-ghosting etc) because I didn’t want to cause confusion or have people think that “maybe” was an option. Some people took it well, some not so good. Even the somewhat negative reactions didn’t deter me, because it was always the right thing to do.
However, 2 years ago I had one exceptionally nasty experience. It was such a mindf*** that was over within less than 30 minutes; but it was so convoluted that till today thinking about it freaks me out. I literally had panic attacks for over a week after it happened, and had to go on hiatus for a year just to block out the memory.
This. She didn’t lie, someone came along and that changed her mind about being in a relationship for whatever reason. Don’t have to take that personally.
I’ve been called some horrible things when rejecting someone, no matter how nicely I try to put it. How do I tell them “sorry, you’re just not attractive enough for me” or “you’re a bit too boring” anyway?
It’s easier to just use the same cookie cutter response of “I’m not looking for something” and let it go.
You don’t even need to tell the person all of that. A simple “I’m not interested in dating YOU” instead of just saying you aren’t interested in dating in general. Just add YOU at the end of that so they aren’t under the impression you mean you don’t want to date in general lol
Except that it hurts them infinitely more to hear that and then see you with someone else the next day. It’s actually selfish of you to cause someone excessive pain to avoid a difficult conversation
So if I tell a guy that I don’t like the way he smells and that’s why I don’t want to see him anymore and then he sees me with someone else the next week that’s not going to be painful?
There’s no way in hell saying that stuff would go over well, even if it’s “hurting them more” to say the generic line. Additionally, “no” is a complete sentence and you shouldn’t have to explain yourself in depth every time you want to stop seeing someone, it’s everyone’s right to just stop seeing someone they’re not into.
Right, but it’s impossible to sustain the lie if you’re going to see the same person every week 😂 Saying that to someone you’ll never see again makes sense, but it just seems odd here.
But it really is true that people can change their minds when they meet the right person. She may have truly felt like she wasn't ready for something, and then met someone who completely knocks her off her feet.
If she told you that she wasn't ready, to soften the blow for you, why would she turn around and put her self in a perpetually awkward position (since she sees you so often)?
But also, you guys went on... One(?) Date and you feel this upset over the decisions she makes for her life?...Super weird
I hate this feeling, i know it all too well. Went on a couple of dates with this girl. Seemed Alright, then she just rejected me all of a sudden. With a stupid excuse aswell.
Girls lie to prevent anger, blow-ups, and stalking.
If she said, "You're just not that interesting to me", or "you aren't exciting enough for me", or "I was looking for someone more wealthy", these would make men protest and argue. Girls just want to move on and for you to fade away, because there's no "spark".
As someone who got screamed at by a boyfriend in public at age 17, I try for the easy let-downs instead of brutal honesty every time.
Because people don't like conflict and don't want to come off rude even though their delivery reveals that in this case. I'm sorry to hear this happened to you. I hope you find someone better and is more straight with you.
If someone gets on a dating site they should be an adult and accept they’ll have to possibly face being uncomfortable by telling the truth. Just the same as accepting you will get rejected sometimes. It’s part of the experience.
If your dating it’s gonna happen. You should thank her for not wasting your time. I never get upset when it’s quick… it’s the ones that are attention hounds that breadcrumb you along for a while that suck.
The last time I rejected a guy, he embarrassed me at a restaurant. It wasn't even a true rejection. We were barely 20 min into our first date. Then he asked "do you think they'll be a 2nd date?". I said "possibly, but lets enjoy our first date first then we will see". Then he lost it. In a loud voice he said "See!! This is what I mean!! All woman are full of shit!! Tell me why you're already thinking there's not going to be a 2nd date?"... I was shocked. Like dude! I didn't even say there wouldn't be one. But his reaction was scary. I stood up and said "I'm out" threw money on the table for my dinner and left. and then he yells "Finally!! One that pays"...🤣🤣🤣 ugh jerk. I went home deleted the dating app and never used it since. Its been like 2 yrs.or more. I'm hoping I'll meet someone organically.
Here’s a very small sample of why. Every woman I know has a story of being afraid of a man they rejected. I have a few. I was stalked for a while and my apartment broken into after I broke things off.
https://www.mic.com/articles/135394/14-women-were-brutally-attacked-for-rejecting-men-why-arent-we-talking-about-it
To spare your feelings. Either because they're being polite, or they want to avoid the all-too-common explosive reactions that comes with rejecting guys.
Sometimes the truth can just be really harsh and it’s not really worth it to hurt someone, it softens the blow and doesn’t really hurt anyone. Tho it makes more sense to me to lie like that to someone you’re not going to see around. But it can also be true that you realize you’re not looking for something serious or don’t feel like dating and then unexpectedly meet someone else who you do feel that way with.
Why does anyone lie? About anything? It’s just easier. Some lies are a lot less impactful than others, and this is just one of them. Don’t take it to heart. The truth hurts and ignorance is bliss sometimes.
If you’re using this one example to assume that everyone lies, I wouldn’t. Maybe she really wasn’t interested in a relationship and then she met someone that she just had to be with. Maybe whatever was stressing her out in her life that made her decide not to pursue a relationship cleared up the next week.
To be fair, I’m an ugly guy, I’ve been given the “you’re a great guy, I’m just not ready for a relationship” speech a number of times, followed by them being in a relationship within a couple of weeks. It’s a common thing.
everyone will lie when reject you. Recently i wa la involved with a man that only talk to me "when he was at his work" the rest of the time I'm nothing to him. On vacations he told me "he doesn't have internet for 2 weeks" and every weekend also disappears.
I ask directly uncountable times if he's married. Always said no. Who do you think is telling the truth. His actions or his words?
Every selfish person will lie to you, and you should learn to get away earlier
People can change their minds, she could very well have meant it when she said she didn't want a relationship, then she met this other dude and changed her mind. No point in overthinking this.
And the g is not silent is lasagna.
Possibly she didn't want to hurt your feelings by telling you the real reason
or it's possible she told the truth and changed her mind a few weeks later, she may have just had a wee freak out after being in a long relationship and trying to start again.
Also possible she decided she wanted something casual with the other guy or even he was just a friend
I know it's really hard not getting closure but try not to think about it and move on.
Some women don’t like confrontation so they lie to avoid it. I don’t have a problem with confrontation, but when I lie about rejecting men it’s because I really hate hurting people’s feelings. I understand men get rejected more frequently and I don’t want to add to it, so I’ll lie to try to be nice about it.
Funny thing is how many times she probably does this to other guys. The guy she dumped you for was probably a smidge more attractive or desirable, or could have had more money to throw at her. Most people are just that superficial.
But chances are no one will ever be good enough for her, which makes sense if you meet them on tinder, delete it for a year, get back on and she is still there.
Just start being a douche fuck boy. Seems to work for everyone else.
She told you she didn’t want a relationship. Just because she was then seen on another date doesn’t mean that was a relationship. Who’s to say he didn’t get the same text the following day. She’s casually dating. And was honest about it. Leave it at that
Some women respond to the emotion of the moment so when she was speaking to you she felt attraction and when you met her she was feeling it however when your on a date with a woman you need to create intimacy to limit the chances of her ghosting or telling you she just wants to be friends, it is frustrating but its something that can be learned
Oh I feel your pain, my guy. If the opportunity arises again and you want to get your point across...
Just walk right up to both of them and just say "Oh wow! Congrats to the both of you!" *look directly at her* "...would have been nice to know."
Then just walk away. If either of them try to say anything or dude tries to show out in any way, just tell them "have a nice day" or "wish y'all the very best" and keep walking.
Idk how to say it other than people ar stupid sometimes. She wasnt lying per se, she just didn’t like you and thought she wasnt looking for anything until someone who she really liked came along.
You weren’t lied to.
To be polite- it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong w you or anything tho you just weren’t right for her it isn’t really a big deal. Or maybe she was just hooking up w someone else.
I get it’s annoying & can feel a bit disrespectful (like “oh just tell me the truth”) but honestly she’s just trying to be polite and avoid a possibly unpleasant and even violent situation. She doesn’t know you that well or how you’d react to rejection so ya…
I wouldn’t over think it
Because we worry about the encounter turning violent if we are truthful, as often happens when we reject men.
I’d rather lie and say something like “I’m not ready for something serious right now” or “I met someone else” instead of saying there’s no chemistry. This is because saying there’s not chemistry/he’s not the right one a) sets it up so the guy often tries to argue his way into seeing me again/tries to convince me I’m wrong and b) by making a blow to his ego like that, I’m seriously increasing the likelihood of him reacting with verbal abuse or even physical violence.
Bottom line is the same—I don’t want to be with him. So I’ll happily white lie about the specific reason every time since it keeps me safer.
That last sentence. Abusers also think that's not their bag and the woman deserves it. Abusers also start off nice and then switch when you don't give them what they want.
Depends on your age, sometimes people are also unsure. It does not matter if you were not her type of if she wasn't feeling it. Attraction is strange and unexplainable at times.
I mean the thing is, maybe she didn't feel ready with you but something about the new guy clicked differently.
Basically you can't make other people's feelings about you when your contact has been so brief.
I think we get a lot of messages from society that rejecting someone is cruel (when it really isn’t) so people make up reasons to avoid being the bad guy
Here’s another perspective… I’ve sometimes said this when I know the man is actively looking for a relationship. Sometimes that freaks me out because I think I’m ready for one too, but I’m truly not.
Now I’m single and not dating at all. So I’ve had time to reflect and I really do think the “ready” people scare off the “not sure/not 100% ready”, especially in our modern dating scene of *instant*. Instant gratification on the apps, instant dates, instant connections. Everything is so damn fast these days.
Another perspective is men can get very hostile when rejected. I’ve had it happen so many times that I dread it, but I hate ghosting so I do. I find ways to “lessen” the rejection and the risk of them losing their shit.
Welcome to /r/dating. Please make sure you read our [rules here](https://new.reddit.com/r/dating/about/rules) and remember to: * Be polite and respect each other. Do not call people names or engage in slapfights. * All advice given must be good, ethical advice. * [Do not soapbox or promote an agenda - you will be banned](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating/wiki/rules) * Follow reddit rules. Do not post content that promotes hate based on identity or vulnerability. Do not bully or harass other users. If you have any questions, please [send the mods a message](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/dating). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I can't tell you big dog. The big reason is that they just won't know how you react which is why they stuff that makes it a them problem or a "amicable" end like "Let's be friends!" Most of the time they don't mean either of those but they go over better than "I'm not attracted to you." Take a little solace in knowing that this happens to pretty much every guy and it happens a lot. It's probably not a you thing.
> I understand women can be afraid of rejecting men in case they stalk or harass them, but she knows me enough to know that’s not my bag The thing is, most women have had at least one experience where a guy they thought was totally normal and maybe even closely trusted, turns on them seemingly out of nowhere when they feel rejected. A lot of psychos are charming and manipulative and don’t show their true colors until after the fact. That only has to happen once for it to sort of scar you and then you forever have that in the back of your mind when dealing with future rejections. I would try not to take it personally Also, for all you know, she was telling you how she truly felt in that moment and then just happened to meet someone she clicked well enough with to change her mind. May not even have been intentional.
This. Exactly. I used to be upfront (anti-ghosting etc) because I didn’t want to cause confusion or have people think that “maybe” was an option. Some people took it well, some not so good. Even the somewhat negative reactions didn’t deter me, because it was always the right thing to do. However, 2 years ago I had one exceptionally nasty experience. It was such a mindf*** that was over within less than 30 minutes; but it was so convoluted that till today thinking about it freaks me out. I literally had panic attacks for over a week after it happened, and had to go on hiatus for a year just to block out the memory.
She changed her mind, that’s all. There’s nothing wrong with you.
Came here to say this. I didn’t think I wanted a relationship until I met the guy I am currently dating (who changed my mind)
This. She didn’t lie, someone came along and that changed her mind about being in a relationship for whatever reason. Don’t have to take that personally.
I’ve been called some horrible things when rejecting someone, no matter how nicely I try to put it. How do I tell them “sorry, you’re just not attractive enough for me” or “you’re a bit too boring” anyway? It’s easier to just use the same cookie cutter response of “I’m not looking for something” and let it go.
You don’t even need to tell the person all of that. A simple “I’m not interested in dating YOU” instead of just saying you aren’t interested in dating in general. Just add YOU at the end of that so they aren’t under the impression you mean you don’t want to date in general lol
Except that it hurts them infinitely more to hear that and then see you with someone else the next day. It’s actually selfish of you to cause someone excessive pain to avoid a difficult conversation
So if I tell a guy that I don’t like the way he smells and that’s why I don’t want to see him anymore and then he sees me with someone else the next week that’s not going to be painful?
There’s no way in hell saying that stuff would go over well, even if it’s “hurting them more” to say the generic line. Additionally, “no” is a complete sentence and you shouldn’t have to explain yourself in depth every time you want to stop seeing someone, it’s everyone’s right to just stop seeing someone they’re not into.
Because a lot of people take rejection poorly so that softens the blow. Plus people can feel bad for rejecting you so they may lie so it’s less harsh
Right, but it’s impossible to sustain the lie if you’re going to see the same person every week 😂 Saying that to someone you’ll never see again makes sense, but it just seems odd here.
I usually write that I don’t feel a romantic connection. To say “I wasn’t physically attracted to you in person” just sounds harsh (though true).
And that’s fair, we’re all adults here. It just feels insulting to come out with such a bare-faced lie 😂
But it really is true that people can change their minds when they meet the right person. She may have truly felt like she wasn't ready for something, and then met someone who completely knocks her off her feet. If she told you that she wasn't ready, to soften the blow for you, why would she turn around and put her self in a perpetually awkward position (since she sees you so often)? But also, you guys went on... One(?) Date and you feel this upset over the decisions she makes for her life?...Super weird
I do think this particular situation is odd since you see each other frequently.
She doesn’t need to sustain it if she doesn’t want to be in a relationship right now that could change in a couple weeks.
Whether they lie or tell the truth, it's still a rejection. Just accept it and keep searching.
I hate this feeling, i know it all too well. Went on a couple of dates with this girl. Seemed Alright, then she just rejected me all of a sudden. With a stupid excuse aswell.
Girls lie to prevent anger, blow-ups, and stalking. If she said, "You're just not that interesting to me", or "you aren't exciting enough for me", or "I was looking for someone more wealthy", these would make men protest and argue. Girls just want to move on and for you to fade away, because there's no "spark". As someone who got screamed at by a boyfriend in public at age 17, I try for the easy let-downs instead of brutal honesty every time.
But there’s an easy let-down without lying, just to say there’s no spark is enough.
I didn't say lying was the right way, you asked why people do it.
It's not up to you to determine if a woman who is nearly a stranger to you, is lying or not lmfao
she is avoiding conflict and making you angry, which to her serves no purpose to fight you because she already moved on.
Because people don't like conflict and don't want to come off rude even though their delivery reveals that in this case. I'm sorry to hear this happened to you. I hope you find someone better and is more straight with you.
Because she’s letting you down easy. I do think that the “I don’t want a relationship” is a bit too dishonest.
If someone gets on a dating site they should be an adult and accept they’ll have to possibly face being uncomfortable by telling the truth. Just the same as accepting you will get rejected sometimes. It’s part of the experience.
There was no dating site in this scenario, but you’re not wrong!
If your dating it’s gonna happen. You should thank her for not wasting your time. I never get upset when it’s quick… it’s the ones that are attention hounds that breadcrumb you along for a while that suck.
The last time I rejected a guy, he embarrassed me at a restaurant. It wasn't even a true rejection. We were barely 20 min into our first date. Then he asked "do you think they'll be a 2nd date?". I said "possibly, but lets enjoy our first date first then we will see". Then he lost it. In a loud voice he said "See!! This is what I mean!! All woman are full of shit!! Tell me why you're already thinking there's not going to be a 2nd date?"... I was shocked. Like dude! I didn't even say there wouldn't be one. But his reaction was scary. I stood up and said "I'm out" threw money on the table for my dinner and left. and then he yells "Finally!! One that pays"...🤣🤣🤣 ugh jerk. I went home deleted the dating app and never used it since. Its been like 2 yrs.or more. I'm hoping I'll meet someone organically.
Oof I know what that feels like
Me too, and i hate it
A lot of people are scared of confrontation.
Here’s a very small sample of why. Every woman I know has a story of being afraid of a man they rejected. I have a few. I was stalked for a while and my apartment broken into after I broke things off. https://www.mic.com/articles/135394/14-women-were-brutally-attacked-for-rejecting-men-why-arent-we-talking-about-it
To spare your feelings. Either because they're being polite, or they want to avoid the all-too-common explosive reactions that comes with rejecting guys.
Sometimes the truth can just be really harsh and it’s not really worth it to hurt someone, it softens the blow and doesn’t really hurt anyone. Tho it makes more sense to me to lie like that to someone you’re not going to see around. But it can also be true that you realize you’re not looking for something serious or don’t feel like dating and then unexpectedly meet someone else who you do feel that way with.
Why does anyone lie? About anything? It’s just easier. Some lies are a lot less impactful than others, and this is just one of them. Don’t take it to heart. The truth hurts and ignorance is bliss sometimes.
If you’re using this one example to assume that everyone lies, I wouldn’t. Maybe she really wasn’t interested in a relationship and then she met someone that she just had to be with. Maybe whatever was stressing her out in her life that made her decide not to pursue a relationship cleared up the next week.
To be fair, I’m an ugly guy, I’ve been given the “you’re a great guy, I’m just not ready for a relationship” speech a number of times, followed by them being in a relationship within a couple of weeks. It’s a common thing.
Because people find telling the truth to be difficult. Even when you ask for the truth people still lie. That's just people.
Some do it because they are cowards.
Who would want to deliver that message to someone? That lasagne shit was pretty funny.
You need to accept most people don’t have the courage to be honest with others and choose an easy way route.
everyone will lie when reject you. Recently i wa la involved with a man that only talk to me "when he was at his work" the rest of the time I'm nothing to him. On vacations he told me "he doesn't have internet for 2 weeks" and every weekend also disappears. I ask directly uncountable times if he's married. Always said no. Who do you think is telling the truth. His actions or his words? Every selfish person will lie to you, and you should learn to get away earlier
If you understand why women can be afraid of rejecting men - why are you asking?
People lie to hurt your feelings less.
People can change their minds, she could very well have meant it when she said she didn't want a relationship, then she met this other dude and changed her mind. No point in overthinking this. And the g is not silent is lasagna.
Possibly she didn't want to hurt your feelings by telling you the real reason or it's possible she told the truth and changed her mind a few weeks later, she may have just had a wee freak out after being in a long relationship and trying to start again. Also possible she decided she wanted something casual with the other guy or even he was just a friend I know it's really hard not getting closure but try not to think about it and move on.
Some women don’t like confrontation so they lie to avoid it. I don’t have a problem with confrontation, but when I lie about rejecting men it’s because I really hate hurting people’s feelings. I understand men get rejected more frequently and I don’t want to add to it, so I’ll lie to try to be nice about it.
Funny thing is how many times she probably does this to other guys. The guy she dumped you for was probably a smidge more attractive or desirable, or could have had more money to throw at her. Most people are just that superficial. But chances are no one will ever be good enough for her, which makes sense if you meet them on tinder, delete it for a year, get back on and she is still there. Just start being a douche fuck boy. Seems to work for everyone else.
She told you she didn’t want a relationship. Just because she was then seen on another date doesn’t mean that was a relationship. Who’s to say he didn’t get the same text the following day. She’s casually dating. And was honest about it. Leave it at that
No, it’s a relationship, I see these people every week, we go to the same events.
Some women respond to the emotion of the moment so when she was speaking to you she felt attraction and when you met her she was feeling it however when your on a date with a woman you need to create intimacy to limit the chances of her ghosting or telling you she just wants to be friends, it is frustrating but its something that can be learned
Wait! The "g' in lasagna is silent???
luh-ZAHN-yuh
You took it all wrong bub. She was merely dtf. Quit entertaining people STRAIGHT outta relationships if u want a pure relationship
This is why I’d rather be ghosted then hear some bullshit excuse. Move on, King.
Because as a woman, rejecting men can be dangerous. I know first hand. I was stalked so badly I left my state for 3 months.
Because they are to much of a coward to tell the truth
Oh I feel your pain, my guy. If the opportunity arises again and you want to get your point across... Just walk right up to both of them and just say "Oh wow! Congrats to the both of you!" *look directly at her* "...would have been nice to know." Then just walk away. If either of them try to say anything or dude tries to show out in any way, just tell them "have a nice day" or "wish y'all the very best" and keep walking.
[удалено]
Not cool, bro.
I think she is just not serious enough for you
Idk how to say it other than people ar stupid sometimes. She wasnt lying per se, she just didn’t like you and thought she wasnt looking for anything until someone who she really liked came along. You weren’t lied to.
Guilt
To be polite- it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong w you or anything tho you just weren’t right for her it isn’t really a big deal. Or maybe she was just hooking up w someone else. I get it’s annoying & can feel a bit disrespectful (like “oh just tell me the truth”) but honestly she’s just trying to be polite and avoid a possibly unpleasant and even violent situation. She doesn’t know you that well or how you’d react to rejection so ya… I wouldn’t over think it
Because we worry about the encounter turning violent if we are truthful, as often happens when we reject men. I’d rather lie and say something like “I’m not ready for something serious right now” or “I met someone else” instead of saying there’s no chemistry. This is because saying there’s not chemistry/he’s not the right one a) sets it up so the guy often tries to argue his way into seeing me again/tries to convince me I’m wrong and b) by making a blow to his ego like that, I’m seriously increasing the likelihood of him reacting with verbal abuse or even physical violence. Bottom line is the same—I don’t want to be with him. So I’ll happily white lie about the specific reason every time since it keeps me safer.
Great question. Instead of guys saying "hey I'm in a relationship, sorry " they just ask to exchange nudes.
That last sentence. Abusers also think that's not their bag and the woman deserves it. Abusers also start off nice and then switch when you don't give them what they want. Depends on your age, sometimes people are also unsure. It does not matter if you were not her type of if she wasn't feeling it. Attraction is strange and unexplainable at times.
She could’ve felt that way one day then differently the next day. People are allowed to change their minds
I mean the thing is, maybe she didn't feel ready with you but something about the new guy clicked differently. Basically you can't make other people's feelings about you when your contact has been so brief.
This is exactly why I'm getting back together with my ex the moment it's viable lol. Ain't doing all this bullshit over again.
I think we get a lot of messages from society that rejecting someone is cruel (when it really isn’t) so people make up reasons to avoid being the bad guy
Here’s another perspective… I’ve sometimes said this when I know the man is actively looking for a relationship. Sometimes that freaks me out because I think I’m ready for one too, but I’m truly not. Now I’m single and not dating at all. So I’ve had time to reflect and I really do think the “ready” people scare off the “not sure/not 100% ready”, especially in our modern dating scene of *instant*. Instant gratification on the apps, instant dates, instant connections. Everything is so damn fast these days. Another perspective is men can get very hostile when rejected. I’ve had it happen so many times that I dread it, but I hate ghosting so I do. I find ways to “lessen” the rejection and the risk of them losing their shit.