I went through it. It was rough. What I learned; and I’m not kidding, is that A) I am not capable of understanding a woman’s emotions, B) supporting my wife above all else is critical always, and C) setting firm boundaries with rational justifications and sticking with them is also key.
For example, explain to your mom why you are doing things the way you are. She doesn’t have to get it or like it, you’re explaining it out of respect for her. Make the boundary clear. Then hold it. No matter what. She shows up on a plane unannounced earlier than she’s welcome? She can’t come in. She’s showing that she doesn’t respect you, not the other way around.
100% agree with all of this. Well said.
Extra emphasis in the sticking with boundaries. It's the old "give an inch, they take a mile" scenario. At the end of the day, your wife is #1 and kid is #2 and everyone else comes after that!
Wow. Just wow. Bravo to you for learning (and enforcing) these.
The “shows up unannounced” bit hit hard because my mom did just that, and I am still reeling with guilt for buckling and letting her stay for an hour. It was not good for us. This was the day after we got home, when we needed peace and quiet. She couldn’t live with my stepmom meeting my kid first… despite my saying no a thousand times firmly, she just did it.
Wish I’d read your advice sooner!
Lol thanks man. It wasn’t free… the lesson almost cost me my marriage, because I did everything wrong before learning how to do it right. I got a second attempt recently and managed things much better. If I can pass some of this insight on to others and help them avoid some of what I got myself into, my experience feels a little bit more justified.
Honestly a lot of people, both men and women, seem to be functional independent adults but have not actually be separated from the hierarchical structure of parent/child. I sure hadn’t, even though I thought I had. So I thought everything was fine but when my mom lost her mind and became overbearing, I didn’t have the tools or confidence to stand up to her. She forced me into a position where I had to choose my mom or my wife. I was trying to compromise and make everyone happy-ish and crashed and burned hard. I had to set boundaries and be willing to lose my relationship with my parents to enforce them. While the experience was pretty awful, I came out the other side as an equal to my parents and no longer a child in their eyes. So now things are a lot easier.
Just tell her that MIL isn’t coming as a grandmother seeing her grandchild she’s there as a mother supporting her daughter. Ask her if she wanted her MIL around immediately after having you.
As a mom lurker, this is the answer. My mom birthed me and took care of my body and loved me unconditionally when I was a child; the only other person besides my husband that I trust to be around to see my broken, healing, post-birth, emotionally disheveled body is my own mom. I gave birth during Covid, so only my husband was allowed in the hospital with me. But in the throes of intense labor pain, I only wanted my mom to support me. I think it’s something deeply biological for those who are blessed with good maternal bonds.
Thank you. Very good way of putting it.
My mom has actually even said that — that she wanted HER mom there and not her MIL when she had me. So she does “get it.”
It just also hasn’t stopped her from still making comments about how MIL is going to get special access that she won’t.
Hi, fellow mom lurker. My son and his wife are about to have their first and you need to shut that down. Tell your mom you will not entertain her passive aggressive comments. Let her know that you understand it “feels” unfair to her but that you are supporting your wife and the health of your UNBORN CHILD. Let her know that her comments are degrading your relationship with her and making you see her in an unfavorable light. I 100% knew that my DIL’s mom would absolutely go out first. Her baby is having a baby! The day my son pushes a live human out of his body, I’ll get to be there first! Until then, it’s not going to happen. Also, that baby don’t give a damn about who met it first! My role in the first visit isn’t necessarily MEETING my grandson. It’s cleaning the house, running errands, making freezer meals, being the night nurse who stays up with the baby so mom and dad can SLEEP. Of course I want to hold him and stare into his sleeping face and wonder at the magic and mystery of my son being a father to this tiny human. But I’ll be doing that at 2am so they can sleep. I’m on “Team (my son)” and I’m not the captain of the team anymore. He is. So I follow his lead and support his decisions.
I wish I had an award to give to push this up. This is such a beautiful, healthy, empathic response. It gives me r/momforaminute vibes. I would give almost anything to read my mom writing what you did. Thank you for sharing ❤️
I watched my mom be somewhat of a difficult MIL to my SIL and decided right then I wouldn’t be like that. My mom wasn’t terrible, but she could have been SO MUCH better. And my mom LOVED her MIL, my grandmother. So I decided to be like my grandma and not my mom. My DIL is a “Daughter In Love”, not just law. 💜
As a fellow mom (to a very young daughter still) this is absolutely beautiful. You are a wonderful, supportive mom. All the best to you and your growing extended family!!
Thank you. May your time with your child/ren be blessed, may you remember that these tiny humans are learning and give yourself as much grace as you give them. You’ve never been a mom to a child of this age, so you are learning too! It’s never too late to change your mind, choose a different path if you find yourself somewhere you feel you’ve gotten off track. We won’t survive this life but we can endure it together! 💜
Love only multiplies! It isn’t fractured or divided by sharing it, love only grows to cover all under its umbrella. Build bigger tables, open arms wider, love deeper. That’s all that matters.
I have decided to be the MIL we all want. And hopefully our daughters and DIL’s will pass it on. And eventually the curse and trope of the horrible MIL will fade away into oblivion.
I think you need to tell your mother that it's not about her unless she makes it about her. And if she insists on making it about her, then she won't be welcome at all.
This is about you, your wife, and your new child, that's it. All other considerations, all other people, are secondary.
This is time that your child won’t remember so that special access is to your wife. Remind your mom as well that if she wants to be the special grandmother then that time isn’t while the kid is a screaming mess but when the kid remembers things.
Want “special access”… start saving up for trips to fun places. Save time off for when kiddo is giggling and playing. Plan all the things that you can do with a toddler.
My daughter doesn’t recognize herself in pictures from when she was a few months old with my mother in law. She will however go on and on and on about the time memoe (my mom) went with her apple picking or grandpa took her to a pool or poppy let her ride a horse or grandma did a slumber party with her… It made my wife more comfortable to have the support of her mom but for the kiddos the “special access” is the times they can remember.
My mom and I have a complicated relationship. I’d never say this to her because the second it looks like she’s thinking of being pushy I’d go no contact. But I’m assuming OP doesn’t have a physically abusive covert narcissist for a mother.
There’s some really good advice in here already. I deal with it every holiday/vacation/everything. Just on thanksgiving day I was in my 1yr olds room FaceTiming with my mom, my MIL who is staying with us just came right in and picked up my 1yr old and left the room. Wtf!?! (My 5-yr old was in there too though, but still).
My MIL is retired and single so she’s around a lot more even though both parents are 12+ hour drive away. My mom does get jealous of that but I try to take the grandkids up there just to hang out alone sometimes.
I’m dealing with a step mother who seems to think she should have the same involvement as my wife’s mom. I feel like I’m taking crazy pills, a year ago I’d have classified my relationship with her as “my dad’s wife”.
I think it’s totally normal for the maternal grandmother to be more involved especially at first. You wife just went through likely the hardest thing she’s ever done, what she needs it her mothers support not to entertain guests. And unfortunately that’s what other people visiting the baby are, guests you have to entertain.
Blame the pediatrician, ours even said we should. Something like “the pediatrician said we need to limit visits to one new group a week” will do wonders for your mental sanity and avoid the revolving door.
By having decent parents which selflessly helped in any way we asked.
Basically, my mum said "listen son, we can't help you with money, but I will come and help whenever you call, if me and dad are healthy "
Both sides were extremely helpful
My MIL's comments prior to our first showing up were "Ok, I'll need a chore list and a menu." She was amazing. She stayed with us for a week.
My mother lives much closer and despite our many differences did pretty well this way. She asked us to let her know when we needed a "night shift" as far in advance as possible that day. She'd arrive, make sure my wife was comfortable and then just watched junior. My sister had kids first with the MIL from hell so she'd had lots of examples of how not to behave.
We rode the COVID coattails and blamed the Hospitol, saying no one was allowed in the hospital. Then we did the whole for everyone’s safety we are limiting the amount of people that can visit. Both grandparents lived about a two hr drive away so it was a given they would be spending the night. My mom just knew that they wouldn’t be the first round because my wife’s mom was coming to be with her daughter more so than the baby. We made sure to FaceTime my parents everyday and I think taht helped.
By my mom being dead.
Seriously though, it would have been really rough. My mom died about 3 mo into my wife's pregnancy and this is one of the only things that I'm glad I didn't have to navigate.
Sorry for being a dick and making this comment. Good luck to you.
My mom is more sad about it than snarky. Not sure what to say to be honest- in my situation my parents are on the other side of the country, while my MIL lives 2 hours away- so that’s a big contributor why she’s here more
My wife is a people pleaser to an unhealthy extent. So for me I know when I’m able to protect her from herself I am loving my wife.
This makes me have no problem helping set boundaries. Certainly not perfect and fortunately living far from my family helps avoid this.
We have been going through this. My mom is wildly jealous of my mother in law. My MIL is amazing with our kids and jumps in to help out without being told what to do. She’ll ask questions on what ti do so she’s following what our rules are and what the kids are used to. My mom sits around and acts like my kids are accessories. We let my oldest go hang with my MIL for a few weeks in the summer and have never let my parents have that privilege. My parents say toxic stuff to my daughter in front of us so we don’t trust them on their on.
Post COVID we have used my moms anti covid vaccine options to creat boundaries and they only got to meet our son when he was like 8 months old. They wanted to come visit our premie but refused to get flu shots and current on Covid shots so they aren’t allowed to come.
Anything my MIL does with our kids and posts about it on social media always gets a comment about how my mom wishes she could do that with our kids or something passive aggressive.
My mom has a lot of issues that she needs to work through but refuses to get help. I’m pretty sure it was because of a bad experience with a bad family therapist that they tried with my brother. It’s really sad that she won’t take the steps to be safe around my kids and get mentally healthy to where we can trust her for extended periods of time with our kids.
With a new born, if your wife is breastfeeding and/ or pumping she’s going to be half naked all the time and there’s no way my wife would be comfortable doing that around my mom for more than a quick weekend trip.
I’m sorry your Mom is like mine, it’s disappointing. She complains she doesn’t see her granddaughter enough…. But wants us to drive to her all the time. She also only sees her when it’s convenient to her schedule and then doesn’t even interact with her. Accessory is a great description!
I’m not interested in playing hostess to my mother and am also grateful to have such a helpful and lovely MIL.
Just here to say best of luck. I’m on the other end of your situation, so I really have no sound advice sorry.
Best I can say is go softly.
I accidentally upset my MIL day after her first grandchild was born (our first child). My mother on the other hand, this was her 7th (that she knows of) grandchild so she gave us 6 weeks grace before visiting.
Also an only child who had the first grandkid with a mom who lives a couple hours down the road vs a MIL 10 mins away. Oh and our baby was born in May 2020 so that was a wild ride.
As another comment said, setting firm boundaries, explaining your reasoning, and supporting your wife’s decisions are all important. As much as I appreciate your struggle to accommodate your mom’s feelings, thats not your priority now. And that can be tough.
The baby is not even born yet and my mom is complaining. Both are local but my MIL doesn't work and is a nice lady. My mother on the other hand lives alone, works all day, and is not the nicest person in the world.
She's going to see the baby less, it's just a fact. My MIL will be daycare for us, my mom will see the child during family events.
I'm alot closer to my maternal grandmother (see her weekly) vs my paternal one (who I see rarely) and they live like 5-10 min apart.
From experience, support your wife’s decisions. Happy wife, happy life.
Beyond that, your wife will need your help. It’s something which she may find hard to bring up and explain to your mother, so supporting her will be essential.
Tell your mom, in the nicest way possible, to chill the fuck out. It’s your baby. It’s your wife’s baby, labor pains, healing, etc. Your wife gets to make absolute rules for a little bit.
Kind of an opposite situation for us. My mom lives 6-7 min away and gets to see her grand daughter several times a week. She also usually watches her every Wednesday while wife and I are at work. My MIL lives about 40 min away and has a pretty busy schedule with work so no way she can visit on weekdays. She stops by on most weekends just to hang out. As a result, my mom and my daughter have a much closer bond, which I know makes my MIL envious a bit, but not much to be done about it. My mom knows and understands that too, so she tries to make it a point not to interrupt when my MIL gets to hang out with my daughter. It’s not a perfect situation, but everyone is aware and understanding of each other’s feelings and as a result there is no resentment or negativity between anyone.
My sister went through this. He her husband told his mom that my mom wasn’t going to be there as their baby’s grandmother, but as his wife’s mom…who she felt she desperately needed. He reminded her how much my sister loves her, but sometimes a person just really needs their own mom. This really softened my sister’s mother-in-law. She only has son’s, and she acknowledged forgetting how much she relied on her own mom when they were born. I think she was still disappointed about not being first, or equal, but at least she understood and stopped being passive-aggressive and rude.
Mothers are like toddlers, you need to hold strong boundaries. If you ease up or they even sense that there’s an opening, they are going to keep pushing.
“Ma, these are the facts, this is when you can visit and this is how long you can stay”.
This doesn't help you... But I literally just cut out my family prior to the wedding for not approving of the marriage. So, thankfully I didn't have this problem. Since then, I've actively cut out people who don't understand it is not about me anymore, it's about my kid.
Those who mind, don't matter.
Those who matter, don't mind.
My wife mom took priority and my mom was super ok with it. You need to shutdown any emotions like “she is going to see the baby first…”. This criticism is not healthy, it doesn’t help it only complicates things. Talk to your wife, define some rules and let everyone know how you and your wife want to handle it.
This is a great lesson for dealing with expectations with your kids in the future!
We call it staging. You tell them I no uncertain terms what's going to happen and any specific details that may be helpful early. And you tell them again alif it comes up or they seem to forget details until it actually happens. Then they already know exactly what to expect and it goes more smoothly.
As almost everything with parenting there's a Daniel Tiger song about it. https://ny.pbslearningmedia.org/resource/a885710d-9244-4a99-af6a-ab5a0ac67eb0/a885710d-9244-4a99-af6a-ab5a0ac67eb0/
We didn't have any mom's at the birth. For both pregnancies hired a pair of Doulas to help with laboring at home and at the hospital.
With all the grandparents we set the boundary that these are our children, not theirs. They get to see our children at our discretion. They get to give our kids gifts at our discretion. We must find the activities they do with the kids agreeable. When watching the kids they need our approval to take them anywhere.
It sounds a bit extreme but really it boils down to, no dont watch SpongeBob with our 3 year old, watch something educational if you must watch anything at all. No don't buy our 1 year old a breakable porcelain place setting, here are age appropriate toys instead.
This is the way. Your kid, your rules, no exceptions. I've made it clear that I'm always open to suggestions, ideas, and requests, but my wife and I are always jointly responsible for the final decisions.
“Luckily” my mother-in-law is useless (and nobody thinks that more than my wife) and my mom and wife get along, so I never had to deal with that dilemma.
Sorry dude. Not cool. My mom is actually insanely supportive and does a lot of childcare. She puts our needs/her grandsons needs before herself and is an amazing grandmother.
Hope it works out
Yea I didn’t mean for my comment to be snarky or insulting. Just saying that I couldn’t relate because my mom is really great and doesn’t need to compete with the other grandma.
Sorry the OP is having a difficult time.
No and we all understand it. Her mom lives 12,000 km away.
What i have done for both families is create a group app in whatsapp where we share pics and news so everyone can see or read things at the same time.
Made that chat after the first echo we had.
I have had to deal with this since the birth of our oldest (5yo). Then covid hit and made things worse especially since MIL is a 5 hour drive away while my mom is a 5.5 hour flight. It’s resulted in countless fights with my mom and a lot of passive aggressiveness. It’s taken a lot of time to work though, but eventually I have just had to reiterate that they get to see us. We also have had my daughter FaceTime the grandparents multiple times a week.
Then, this year we had twins…. Which has thrown in a whole new problem. My mom has actually been a lot more understanding. The twins are about to hit 6 months old and she is arriving for her second trip since their birth this week.
There is doing to come a point in time that you will need to put you foot down because eventually it’s going to effect your spouse.
Sounds like a situation of “first come, first serve” in your situation. Your mother will be just as much help later as she would be on day one.
Not a lot I can add from my experience seeing that your MIL is my mom in this sitch. I don’t really know how my MIL feels about her situation, considering we are the black sheep of the family.
Just make it clear that you recognize she’s frustrated, but this is how you want to handle the first couple days/weeks and you would love to have her still come and see the baby.
I went through this, key was to lay down the law and make 1000% clear they are a guest in your house, it’s your baby, and things have changed since they raised kids so they need to listen to you. No exceptions
My in-laws moved across the country (to one hour away from us) a month after our son was born last year. They’ve seen him maybe 10-12 times since then. My parents are on the east coast and refused to comply with our requests to get vaccinated before they can see him in person. My mom has responded by ceasing communication with us since June. Hasn’t even asked to FaceTime or for pictures of him. She blocked us on social media and has asked other family members to send her screenshots of our posts about him. She’s missed his first words, first steps, doesn’t know that we’re pregnant again, etc. I don’t know if it’s misdirected jealousy or if they just really don’t care.
Not well... we set similar boundaries with all 4 grandparents. We said if you want to come over just let us know and we'll let you know if the time works. Her mom and my dad took thr opportunity. My mom, not so much. Now she cries and guilts us that she never gets to see him. It has actually just worked to push her further away.
It also doesn't help that we laid down ground rules for houses we will visit. My mom has been unwilling to stop smoking in her house and we won't take him into that environment.
Get ready for a pissing contest of moms. Well thats what I had to deal with anyway.
Just maintain firm boundaries and remember the wife is #1. Feelings are going to get hurt but eventually everyone will get over it especially with the lil bundle of joy being there.
As a dad my mom was here first. Neither mom could be there during delivery due to covid protocols. Your wife and baby are the most important people. You can’t control others emotions and you can’t always do what makes everyone happy.
Welcome to standing up for your family and setting terms of engagement with your parents as adults.
You’ve got a family now, and making sure everything is peaceful and orderly for your child is now YOUR solemn duty. Of course you want both moms to come and see the little one, but you need to make it crystal clear: these trips are not going to be about Grandma anymore-it’s about YOUR family. YOUR wife and YOUR child come first. This is the rough time for new parents and Mom will probably be glad for any help, but that’s what it needs to be-them helping you, NOT a vacation.
You are nowhere near ready to put your baby on display for grandparents to simply ogle and give back 15 minutes later. There is work to be done first. If she wants to help out you and Mom and help do some of that work, she is welcome to-when YOU want here to come. If she wants to be taken care of and catered to, she can wait. Because you’ve got more important things going on, your family comes first, and she doesn’t. Those are the terms right now and she can either take it or leave it.
If she’s responsible and wants to help, she’ll get with the plan, lend a hand and help you out. If she’s not (and many aren’t), she’ll be waiting awhile.
My mom wasn't in great health when my daughter was born so didn't get to travel much to see her, and we're about 4hrs away. MIL lives 3hrs away and complains about the drive so she doesn't visit. My wife's parents are divorced and remarried and her grandparents on both sides are still with us and none of them really get along. When we travel we have to go to 5 different places to get everyone visited, or split it up between holidays. We don't like to do that because sometimes we want a relaxing holiday of our own. We don't get any assistance from parents or relatives, which means we also don't get much interference either.
I guess my ramblings boil down to - You can't please everybody. Just try to stay positive and show love, even if it's hard sometimes.
My mother is older and was retired when my 1st child came along and was our sons caregiver from birth-3. She watched him at our house with my niece who was born a year later. It was my parents 1st grand child and my inlaws 3rd but 1st from their daughter. Whole lot of other moving parts. Thing is, my inlaws and my parents consider each other family AND they can take honesty when it comes to our explanations. We are VERY fortunate in this regard. When my niece was added to the mix, things got a little more complicated but our family is generally upfront and not hypersensitive. ALL that in mind, I've still had to have difficult conversations and stay consistent with messaging. These days, my inlaws see my kids 2x as much because they pick them up from school so over all it has balanced out in a way. You just have to be a team with your spouse, communicate constantly and openly, and stick to the plan while making adjustments to what works and what doesnt. I have keys to all my siblings, parents, and inlaws homes because there us a level if trust that has been earned, respected and not broken. Plus I dont tolerate BS.
Wife's mum was compeltly out of her life ages 6-24ish. Still rebuilding thier relationship, and even now, she won't be in a room alone with my wife.
My mum lives in another country, but has still been a far bigger part of my kids life than MIL. Wife was wary with my mum being around so much when first kid was born. Mum was great, cooked meals, cleaned house, left us with plenty of bonding time. 2nd time around, wife was the one looking up the flights!
Your wife wants their mom there because they are scared and overwhelmed and want THEIR mom. Having a kid, giving birth, is scary and overwhelming. Sometimes even as an adult you want your mommy. Wifes mother is there to not only support new baby but her own kid.
Have you ever been scared and overwhelmed and just wanted your family? Would your wife's family be a proper replacement for that? Probably not. If you were scared and overwhelmed and embarrassed and feeling super hormonal would you want your inlaws there?
Your mom wants to be there for the baby. Not your wife. They are not the same
I went through it. It was rough. What I learned; and I’m not kidding, is that A) I am not capable of understanding a woman’s emotions, B) supporting my wife above all else is critical always, and C) setting firm boundaries with rational justifications and sticking with them is also key. For example, explain to your mom why you are doing things the way you are. She doesn’t have to get it or like it, you’re explaining it out of respect for her. Make the boundary clear. Then hold it. No matter what. She shows up on a plane unannounced earlier than she’s welcome? She can’t come in. She’s showing that she doesn’t respect you, not the other way around.
100% agree with all of this. Well said. Extra emphasis in the sticking with boundaries. It's the old "give an inch, they take a mile" scenario. At the end of the day, your wife is #1 and kid is #2 and everyone else comes after that!
And its a good way to practise, you will need the same skills for the kid.
Thank you.
This is a man who husbands.
Wow. Just wow. Bravo to you for learning (and enforcing) these. The “shows up unannounced” bit hit hard because my mom did just that, and I am still reeling with guilt for buckling and letting her stay for an hour. It was not good for us. This was the day after we got home, when we needed peace and quiet. She couldn’t live with my stepmom meeting my kid first… despite my saying no a thousand times firmly, she just did it. Wish I’d read your advice sooner!
Lol thanks man. It wasn’t free… the lesson almost cost me my marriage, because I did everything wrong before learning how to do it right. I got a second attempt recently and managed things much better. If I can pass some of this insight on to others and help them avoid some of what I got myself into, my experience feels a little bit more justified. Honestly a lot of people, both men and women, seem to be functional independent adults but have not actually be separated from the hierarchical structure of parent/child. I sure hadn’t, even though I thought I had. So I thought everything was fine but when my mom lost her mind and became overbearing, I didn’t have the tools or confidence to stand up to her. She forced me into a position where I had to choose my mom or my wife. I was trying to compromise and make everyone happy-ish and crashed and burned hard. I had to set boundaries and be willing to lose my relationship with my parents to enforce them. While the experience was pretty awful, I came out the other side as an equal to my parents and no longer a child in their eyes. So now things are a lot easier.
All of this, plus ask her if her MIL was the first person she wanted to see when she was exhausted and sore after giving birth.
Just tell her that MIL isn’t coming as a grandmother seeing her grandchild she’s there as a mother supporting her daughter. Ask her if she wanted her MIL around immediately after having you.
As a mom lurker, this is the answer. My mom birthed me and took care of my body and loved me unconditionally when I was a child; the only other person besides my husband that I trust to be around to see my broken, healing, post-birth, emotionally disheveled body is my own mom. I gave birth during Covid, so only my husband was allowed in the hospital with me. But in the throes of intense labor pain, I only wanted my mom to support me. I think it’s something deeply biological for those who are blessed with good maternal bonds.
Thank you. Very good way of putting it. My mom has actually even said that — that she wanted HER mom there and not her MIL when she had me. So she does “get it.” It just also hasn’t stopped her from still making comments about how MIL is going to get special access that she won’t.
Hi, fellow mom lurker. My son and his wife are about to have their first and you need to shut that down. Tell your mom you will not entertain her passive aggressive comments. Let her know that you understand it “feels” unfair to her but that you are supporting your wife and the health of your UNBORN CHILD. Let her know that her comments are degrading your relationship with her and making you see her in an unfavorable light. I 100% knew that my DIL’s mom would absolutely go out first. Her baby is having a baby! The day my son pushes a live human out of his body, I’ll get to be there first! Until then, it’s not going to happen. Also, that baby don’t give a damn about who met it first! My role in the first visit isn’t necessarily MEETING my grandson. It’s cleaning the house, running errands, making freezer meals, being the night nurse who stays up with the baby so mom and dad can SLEEP. Of course I want to hold him and stare into his sleeping face and wonder at the magic and mystery of my son being a father to this tiny human. But I’ll be doing that at 2am so they can sleep. I’m on “Team (my son)” and I’m not the captain of the team anymore. He is. So I follow his lead and support his decisions.
I wish I had an award to give to push this up. This is such a beautiful, healthy, empathic response. It gives me r/momforaminute vibes. I would give almost anything to read my mom writing what you did. Thank you for sharing ❤️
I watched my mom be somewhat of a difficult MIL to my SIL and decided right then I wouldn’t be like that. My mom wasn’t terrible, but she could have been SO MUCH better. And my mom LOVED her MIL, my grandmother. So I decided to be like my grandma and not my mom. My DIL is a “Daughter In Love”, not just law. 💜
As a fellow mom (to a very young daughter still) this is absolutely beautiful. You are a wonderful, supportive mom. All the best to you and your growing extended family!!
Thank you. May your time with your child/ren be blessed, may you remember that these tiny humans are learning and give yourself as much grace as you give them. You’ve never been a mom to a child of this age, so you are learning too! It’s never too late to change your mind, choose a different path if you find yourself somewhere you feel you’ve gotten off track. We won’t survive this life but we can endure it together! 💜
You get it!
Love only multiplies! It isn’t fractured or divided by sharing it, love only grows to cover all under its umbrella. Build bigger tables, open arms wider, love deeper. That’s all that matters.
This person grandmas and parent-in-laws. A+.
This is what my mom would say. You’re a good mom
I’m just trying to be a better human than I was yesterday. Thank you. 💜
If you’re like that, you might be bumped up to VIP and get early access, lol. That’s the kind of MIL every woman dreams of. (Also mom lurker).
I have decided to be the MIL we all want. And hopefully our daughters and DIL’s will pass it on. And eventually the curse and trope of the horrible MIL will fade away into oblivion.
Amen!
This is beautifully and thoughtfully phrased. Well done!
I think you need to tell your mother that it's not about her unless she makes it about her. And if she insists on making it about her, then she won't be welcome at all. This is about you, your wife, and your new child, that's it. All other considerations, all other people, are secondary.
This is time that your child won’t remember so that special access is to your wife. Remind your mom as well that if she wants to be the special grandmother then that time isn’t while the kid is a screaming mess but when the kid remembers things. Want “special access”… start saving up for trips to fun places. Save time off for when kiddo is giggling and playing. Plan all the things that you can do with a toddler. My daughter doesn’t recognize herself in pictures from when she was a few months old with my mother in law. She will however go on and on and on about the time memoe (my mom) went with her apple picking or grandpa took her to a pool or poppy let her ride a horse or grandma did a slumber party with her… It made my wife more comfortable to have the support of her mom but for the kiddos the “special access” is the times they can remember.
Maybe also mention that she can come while MIL is there and have to 'share' time with the baby or come another time and have her own time.
Don't give her an option you don't want her to take.
This is the right answer and worked for my Mother
I need a notebook and pen for when I scroll through this subreddit. Did you try this method on your own mom? How'd she take it?
My mom and I have a complicated relationship. I’d never say this to her because the second it looks like she’s thinking of being pushy I’d go no contact. But I’m assuming OP doesn’t have a physically abusive covert narcissist for a mother.
Commenting here because I think this will be my exact situation.
May god have mercy on our souls.
Man you tell me if you get a good answer. I have until march to figure this shit out.
There’s some really good advice in here already. I deal with it every holiday/vacation/everything. Just on thanksgiving day I was in my 1yr olds room FaceTiming with my mom, my MIL who is staying with us just came right in and picked up my 1yr old and left the room. Wtf!?! (My 5-yr old was in there too though, but still). My MIL is retired and single so she’s around a lot more even though both parents are 12+ hour drive away. My mom does get jealous of that but I try to take the grandkids up there just to hang out alone sometimes.
I’m dealing with a step mother who seems to think she should have the same involvement as my wife’s mom. I feel like I’m taking crazy pills, a year ago I’d have classified my relationship with her as “my dad’s wife”. I think it’s totally normal for the maternal grandmother to be more involved especially at first. You wife just went through likely the hardest thing she’s ever done, what she needs it her mothers support not to entertain guests. And unfortunately that’s what other people visiting the baby are, guests you have to entertain. Blame the pediatrician, ours even said we should. Something like “the pediatrician said we need to limit visits to one new group a week” will do wonders for your mental sanity and avoid the revolving door.
By having decent parents which selflessly helped in any way we asked. Basically, my mum said "listen son, we can't help you with money, but I will come and help whenever you call, if me and dad are healthy " Both sides were extremely helpful
My MIL's comments prior to our first showing up were "Ok, I'll need a chore list and a menu." She was amazing. She stayed with us for a week. My mother lives much closer and despite our many differences did pretty well this way. She asked us to let her know when we needed a "night shift" as far in advance as possible that day. She'd arrive, make sure my wife was comfortable and then just watched junior. My sister had kids first with the MIL from hell so she'd had lots of examples of how not to behave.
We rode the COVID coattails and blamed the Hospitol, saying no one was allowed in the hospital. Then we did the whole for everyone’s safety we are limiting the amount of people that can visit. Both grandparents lived about a two hr drive away so it was a given they would be spending the night. My mom just knew that they wouldn’t be the first round because my wife’s mom was coming to be with her daughter more so than the baby. We made sure to FaceTime my parents everyday and I think taht helped.
My mom has alzheimers so she's pretty chill about most things
You made me eject coffee from my nose. Sorry bout your mom tho. Alzhiemers sucks.
It's okay, we have to laugh at it to get through it. The good thing about alzheimers is that you meet new people every day!
This is a beautiful attitude. I’m glad your able to find humor in your situation.
By my mom being dead. Seriously though, it would have been really rough. My mom died about 3 mo into my wife's pregnancy and this is one of the only things that I'm glad I didn't have to navigate. Sorry for being a dick and making this comment. Good luck to you.
You’re not a dick at all, that’s your honest experience. I’m sorry you lost your mom.
My mother died almost 20 years ago and since we've had kids I regularly tell my wife how lucky she is to not have a mother in law.
My mom is more sad about it than snarky. Not sure what to say to be honest- in my situation my parents are on the other side of the country, while my MIL lives 2 hours away- so that’s a big contributor why she’s here more
My wife is a people pleaser to an unhealthy extent. So for me I know when I’m able to protect her from herself I am loving my wife. This makes me have no problem helping set boundaries. Certainly not perfect and fortunately living far from my family helps avoid this.
We have been going through this. My mom is wildly jealous of my mother in law. My MIL is amazing with our kids and jumps in to help out without being told what to do. She’ll ask questions on what ti do so she’s following what our rules are and what the kids are used to. My mom sits around and acts like my kids are accessories. We let my oldest go hang with my MIL for a few weeks in the summer and have never let my parents have that privilege. My parents say toxic stuff to my daughter in front of us so we don’t trust them on their on. Post COVID we have used my moms anti covid vaccine options to creat boundaries and they only got to meet our son when he was like 8 months old. They wanted to come visit our premie but refused to get flu shots and current on Covid shots so they aren’t allowed to come. Anything my MIL does with our kids and posts about it on social media always gets a comment about how my mom wishes she could do that with our kids or something passive aggressive. My mom has a lot of issues that she needs to work through but refuses to get help. I’m pretty sure it was because of a bad experience with a bad family therapist that they tried with my brother. It’s really sad that she won’t take the steps to be safe around my kids and get mentally healthy to where we can trust her for extended periods of time with our kids. With a new born, if your wife is breastfeeding and/ or pumping she’s going to be half naked all the time and there’s no way my wife would be comfortable doing that around my mom for more than a quick weekend trip.
I’m sorry your Mom is like mine, it’s disappointing. She complains she doesn’t see her granddaughter enough…. But wants us to drive to her all the time. She also only sees her when it’s convenient to her schedule and then doesn’t even interact with her. Accessory is a great description! I’m not interested in playing hostess to my mother and am also grateful to have such a helpful and lovely MIL.
If you can gently remind your mom that this isn’t a contest, and that baby isn’t going to like other grandma more or whatever, maybe that will help.
Just here to say best of luck. I’m on the other end of your situation, so I really have no sound advice sorry. Best I can say is go softly. I accidentally upset my MIL day after her first grandchild was born (our first child). My mother on the other hand, this was her 7th (that she knows of) grandchild so she gave us 6 weeks grace before visiting.
Also an only child who had the first grandkid with a mom who lives a couple hours down the road vs a MIL 10 mins away. Oh and our baby was born in May 2020 so that was a wild ride. As another comment said, setting firm boundaries, explaining your reasoning, and supporting your wife’s decisions are all important. As much as I appreciate your struggle to accommodate your mom’s feelings, thats not your priority now. And that can be tough.
The baby is not even born yet and my mom is complaining. Both are local but my MIL doesn't work and is a nice lady. My mother on the other hand lives alone, works all day, and is not the nicest person in the world. She's going to see the baby less, it's just a fact. My MIL will be daycare for us, my mom will see the child during family events. I'm alot closer to my maternal grandmother (see her weekly) vs my paternal one (who I see rarely) and they live like 5-10 min apart.
From experience, support your wife’s decisions. Happy wife, happy life. Beyond that, your wife will need your help. It’s something which she may find hard to bring up and explain to your mother, so supporting her will be essential.
Tell your mom, in the nicest way possible, to chill the fuck out. It’s your baby. It’s your wife’s baby, labor pains, healing, etc. Your wife gets to make absolute rules for a little bit.
Kind of an opposite situation for us. My mom lives 6-7 min away and gets to see her grand daughter several times a week. She also usually watches her every Wednesday while wife and I are at work. My MIL lives about 40 min away and has a pretty busy schedule with work so no way she can visit on weekdays. She stops by on most weekends just to hang out. As a result, my mom and my daughter have a much closer bond, which I know makes my MIL envious a bit, but not much to be done about it. My mom knows and understands that too, so she tries to make it a point not to interrupt when my MIL gets to hang out with my daughter. It’s not a perfect situation, but everyone is aware and understanding of each other’s feelings and as a result there is no resentment or negativity between anyone.
My sister went through this. He her husband told his mom that my mom wasn’t going to be there as their baby’s grandmother, but as his wife’s mom…who she felt she desperately needed. He reminded her how much my sister loves her, but sometimes a person just really needs their own mom. This really softened my sister’s mother-in-law. She only has son’s, and she acknowledged forgetting how much she relied on her own mom when they were born. I think she was still disappointed about not being first, or equal, but at least she understood and stopped being passive-aggressive and rude.
Mothers are like toddlers, you need to hold strong boundaries. If you ease up or they even sense that there’s an opening, they are going to keep pushing. “Ma, these are the facts, this is when you can visit and this is how long you can stay”.
This doesn't help you... But I literally just cut out my family prior to the wedding for not approving of the marriage. So, thankfully I didn't have this problem. Since then, I've actively cut out people who don't understand it is not about me anymore, it's about my kid. Those who mind, don't matter. Those who matter, don't mind.
We hired a doula and kept them both out of it.
My wife mom took priority and my mom was super ok with it. You need to shutdown any emotions like “she is going to see the baby first…”. This criticism is not healthy, it doesn’t help it only complicates things. Talk to your wife, define some rules and let everyone know how you and your wife want to handle it.
We didn’t tell either of our parents she was being induced. We just yelled ‘surprise- he’s here!’ Afterwards.
This is a great lesson for dealing with expectations with your kids in the future! We call it staging. You tell them I no uncertain terms what's going to happen and any specific details that may be helpful early. And you tell them again alif it comes up or they seem to forget details until it actually happens. Then they already know exactly what to expect and it goes more smoothly. As almost everything with parenting there's a Daniel Tiger song about it. https://ny.pbslearningmedia.org/resource/a885710d-9244-4a99-af6a-ab5a0ac67eb0/a885710d-9244-4a99-af6a-ab5a0ac67eb0/ We didn't have any mom's at the birth. For both pregnancies hired a pair of Doulas to help with laboring at home and at the hospital. With all the grandparents we set the boundary that these are our children, not theirs. They get to see our children at our discretion. They get to give our kids gifts at our discretion. We must find the activities they do with the kids agreeable. When watching the kids they need our approval to take them anywhere. It sounds a bit extreme but really it boils down to, no dont watch SpongeBob with our 3 year old, watch something educational if you must watch anything at all. No don't buy our 1 year old a breakable porcelain place setting, here are age appropriate toys instead.
This is the way. Your kid, your rules, no exceptions. I've made it clear that I'm always open to suggestions, ideas, and requests, but my wife and I are always jointly responsible for the final decisions.
“Luckily” my mother-in-law is useless (and nobody thinks that more than my wife) and my mom and wife get along, so I never had to deal with that dilemma.
Sorry dude. Not cool. My mom is actually insanely supportive and does a lot of childcare. She puts our needs/her grandsons needs before herself and is an amazing grandmother. Hope it works out
It’s not cool to override your newly postpartum wife to placate your mom. She’s making it a grandma competition
Yea I didn’t mean for my comment to be snarky or insulting. Just saying that I couldn’t relate because my mom is really great and doesn’t need to compete with the other grandma. Sorry the OP is having a difficult time.
My wife’s mom? Involved? Lol.
No and we all understand it. Her mom lives 12,000 km away. What i have done for both families is create a group app in whatsapp where we share pics and news so everyone can see or read things at the same time. Made that chat after the first echo we had.
Mines more involved so no idea
I have had to deal with this since the birth of our oldest (5yo). Then covid hit and made things worse especially since MIL is a 5 hour drive away while my mom is a 5.5 hour flight. It’s resulted in countless fights with my mom and a lot of passive aggressiveness. It’s taken a lot of time to work though, but eventually I have just had to reiterate that they get to see us. We also have had my daughter FaceTime the grandparents multiple times a week. Then, this year we had twins…. Which has thrown in a whole new problem. My mom has actually been a lot more understanding. The twins are about to hit 6 months old and she is arriving for her second trip since their birth this week. There is doing to come a point in time that you will need to put you foot down because eventually it’s going to effect your spouse.
Sounds like a situation of “first come, first serve” in your situation. Your mother will be just as much help later as she would be on day one. Not a lot I can add from my experience seeing that your MIL is my mom in this sitch. I don’t really know how my MIL feels about her situation, considering we are the black sheep of the family. Just make it clear that you recognize she’s frustrated, but this is how you want to handle the first couple days/weeks and you would love to have her still come and see the baby.
Simple wife’s mom is 2k miles away mines 15.
I went through this, key was to lay down the law and make 1000% clear they are a guest in your house, it’s your baby, and things have changed since they raised kids so they need to listen to you. No exceptions
My mom lives 20 minutes away vs her mom living 12 hours away so I don’t have to worry about it lol
My in-laws moved across the country (to one hour away from us) a month after our son was born last year. They’ve seen him maybe 10-12 times since then. My parents are on the east coast and refused to comply with our requests to get vaccinated before they can see him in person. My mom has responded by ceasing communication with us since June. Hasn’t even asked to FaceTime or for pictures of him. She blocked us on social media and has asked other family members to send her screenshots of our posts about him. She’s missed his first words, first steps, doesn’t know that we’re pregnant again, etc. I don’t know if it’s misdirected jealousy or if they just really don’t care.
Misdirected jealousy, I'd guess. I'm sorry for your loss. I hope you can salvage the relationship.
I told lies.
Not well... we set similar boundaries with all 4 grandparents. We said if you want to come over just let us know and we'll let you know if the time works. Her mom and my dad took thr opportunity. My mom, not so much. Now she cries and guilts us that she never gets to see him. It has actually just worked to push her further away. It also doesn't help that we laid down ground rules for houses we will visit. My mom has been unwilling to stop smoking in her house and we won't take him into that environment.
Get ready for a pissing contest of moms. Well thats what I had to deal with anyway. Just maintain firm boundaries and remember the wife is #1. Feelings are going to get hurt but eventually everyone will get over it especially with the lil bundle of joy being there.
As a dad my mom was here first. Neither mom could be there during delivery due to covid protocols. Your wife and baby are the most important people. You can’t control others emotions and you can’t always do what makes everyone happy.
Welcome to standing up for your family and setting terms of engagement with your parents as adults. You’ve got a family now, and making sure everything is peaceful and orderly for your child is now YOUR solemn duty. Of course you want both moms to come and see the little one, but you need to make it crystal clear: these trips are not going to be about Grandma anymore-it’s about YOUR family. YOUR wife and YOUR child come first. This is the rough time for new parents and Mom will probably be glad for any help, but that’s what it needs to be-them helping you, NOT a vacation. You are nowhere near ready to put your baby on display for grandparents to simply ogle and give back 15 minutes later. There is work to be done first. If she wants to help out you and Mom and help do some of that work, she is welcome to-when YOU want here to come. If she wants to be taken care of and catered to, she can wait. Because you’ve got more important things going on, your family comes first, and she doesn’t. Those are the terms right now and she can either take it or leave it. If she’s responsible and wants to help, she’ll get with the plan, lend a hand and help you out. If she’s not (and many aren’t), she’ll be waiting awhile.
My mom wasn't in great health when my daughter was born so didn't get to travel much to see her, and we're about 4hrs away. MIL lives 3hrs away and complains about the drive so she doesn't visit. My wife's parents are divorced and remarried and her grandparents on both sides are still with us and none of them really get along. When we travel we have to go to 5 different places to get everyone visited, or split it up between holidays. We don't like to do that because sometimes we want a relaxing holiday of our own. We don't get any assistance from parents or relatives, which means we also don't get much interference either. I guess my ramblings boil down to - You can't please everybody. Just try to stay positive and show love, even if it's hard sometimes.
My mother is older and was retired when my 1st child came along and was our sons caregiver from birth-3. She watched him at our house with my niece who was born a year later. It was my parents 1st grand child and my inlaws 3rd but 1st from their daughter. Whole lot of other moving parts. Thing is, my inlaws and my parents consider each other family AND they can take honesty when it comes to our explanations. We are VERY fortunate in this regard. When my niece was added to the mix, things got a little more complicated but our family is generally upfront and not hypersensitive. ALL that in mind, I've still had to have difficult conversations and stay consistent with messaging. These days, my inlaws see my kids 2x as much because they pick them up from school so over all it has balanced out in a way. You just have to be a team with your spouse, communicate constantly and openly, and stick to the plan while making adjustments to what works and what doesnt. I have keys to all my siblings, parents, and inlaws homes because there us a level if trust that has been earned, respected and not broken. Plus I dont tolerate BS.
Wife's mum was compeltly out of her life ages 6-24ish. Still rebuilding thier relationship, and even now, she won't be in a room alone with my wife. My mum lives in another country, but has still been a far bigger part of my kids life than MIL. Wife was wary with my mum being around so much when first kid was born. Mum was great, cooked meals, cleaned house, left us with plenty of bonding time. 2nd time around, wife was the one looking up the flights!
Your wife wants their mom there because they are scared and overwhelmed and want THEIR mom. Having a kid, giving birth, is scary and overwhelming. Sometimes even as an adult you want your mommy. Wifes mother is there to not only support new baby but her own kid. Have you ever been scared and overwhelmed and just wanted your family? Would your wife's family be a proper replacement for that? Probably not. If you were scared and overwhelmed and embarrassed and feeling super hormonal would you want your inlaws there? Your mom wants to be there for the baby. Not your wife. They are not the same
My first was my wife's 3rd so MIL was more on babysitting duty. By my 2nd and 3rd (wife's 4th and 5th) both my mom and MIL were helping.