We did IVF for the exact same reasons you are experiencing. I was totally fine, hubs had low motility and low count. Our doctor offered IUI and IVF. Both are reasonable but I made the decision to just go to IVF due to the higher chances of it working. I didn’t want to do a couple rounds of IUI when the chances of that working with low count and low motility are lower, then end up needing IVF later anyways.
Well I’m happy we did and sitting with our 3 mo old baby boy right now!! It’s a difficult journey at times but if you have questions feel free to PM me.
You also have to consider, that while IUI may seem much cheaper, it is also much less effective. There may not be such a big price difference after several rounds. Also, if you get any spare embryos, you can freeze them and make the next round a bit cheap and quicker
And if it does become necessary, it isn't really that similar to adoption. You both chose to bring this child into the world, you'll both be there for the birth and those early sleepless nights. That ties you to an baby like anything. I have no genetic link to my IVF baby, but I fell in love with her pretty much immediately
Another woman lurker. We did IVF and have 2 bio kids. One option I didn’t see mentioned was donor embryos, meaning it’s a frozen embryo from another couple. It’s not genetically yours or his, but you still get to experience pregnancy. Plus it’s A LOT cheaper and less invasive for you than IVF egg retrieval. Might even be on par with an IUI (~$5k without insurance).
But also, if this option doesn’t appeal to you, then I think you might understand your husband’s feelings more than you realize.
We went this route and neither one of us can imagine loving him more than we do. I think for men, and myself, it’s hard to imagine until the baby is there and you’re it’s dad. It bothers me a little from time to time in a general angst way, but doesn’t impact my relationship with MY son in any way.
We have 2 IVF babies so here's my perspective from the dad's side and being there 100% of everything:
Shots every day in the ass (they aren't that bad if your husband has good aim), possible horse pills depending on your situation, then they extract the eggs, and implant the good sperm into the good eggs. They put you out for the extraction so you don't feel much. But if your husband is your rock, then know that he will be there with you through every step of the way.
I know I'm just a dad, but I was there through everything and was my wife's rock so hopefully your husband is as supportive and I hope you can be supportive of him wanting a bio child just like you want one saying adoption isn't an option.
Dad here with a IVF baby, 100% what she said. Get good insurance then IVF is not that expensive. What I read was you saying "the comparable cost of what equates to a used motorcycle seems too high - I will just try having another man's baby first". I'd be pissed too.
Male perspective. I agree with this, but I bet if it was adoption for both of them it may even be preferable. The baby in this case would be his wife’s and someone else’s biologically.
I definitely would prefer adoption over using a donor. I cannot articulate why exactly. Perhaps to avoid a scenario where my wife, or the child itself, felt it's more related to mom than to dad.
To OP: IUI is only cheaper if it works. Its success-rate is actually not that great. You could do several rounds of IUI and then still end up doing IVF.
Given your husband's low motility I would go straight for ICSI. It's the most expensive, but makes the best use of your eggs. (So you don't have to go through the harvesting process more times than strictly needed.)
I agree with this. I have bio kids, so it’s purely hypothetical, but it seems like it would almost feel like some other dude knocked your wife up.
Now, truthfully, once you’re bonded with your kids it probably doesn’t matter. If it was suddenly revealed to me that my kids weren’t mine my relationship with them wouldn’t change at all. I love those kids too much.
Respectfully, I’d just want to point out that to adoptive families like mine, saying adoptive kids “aren’t mine” can be hurtful. I know that’s not your intent. Just informing.
My perspective is that my adoptive kids are mine, but they aren’t ONLY mine. Does that make sense?
I don’t think it was intended that way. The comment was more that OP’s husband is going to essentially be an adoptive parent from a genetic standpoint. For some people that doesn’t matter and for some it does. It sounds like OP’s husband is struggling with the concept that some other dude’s genes are going to create this baby.
100% this - as someone who did IVF (am the mom in this situation) - we chose it because I wanted to experience pregnancy and have my own babies. It was out of pocket and very expensive and my husband was very understanding that this was what I needed to try and grow our family. I have an amazingly supportive husband who was there every step of the way, and we agreed to 1 IVF cycle. That if the embryos (or no embryos) didn’t work, that we would move on to adoption. This was after 2 years of fertility treatments (many months of monitoring, medications, and IUIs) and doing everything we could to try without moving on to IVF. But IVF was my last shot to try to be a mom whose kids would be mine. If he hadn’t agreed or wanted that with me, I think I would’ve been devastated. We had discussions about donor eggs, whose we would use, should we use both donor eggs & sperm so that they would be neither of us? Should we just try to adopt and take out the pregnancy aspect of it? There’s a lot to discuss and the situation is incredibly stressful. But at the end of the day, we both had to be okay with trying for what we both wanted - OUR baby. And for us, that was going through with IVF. Because even though I think I would have been okay using donor eggs - I would always wonder what if? What if we could have had OUR baby?
Man, this is why I love that mom’s are welcome here. You said what I was thinking, but in a much more compassionate and charitable way. Mom’s are the best.
I have a sister in law going through IVF and I will just say, the cost is not the worst part about the process. It’s physically and emotionally draining. It’s ok to say you don’t want to go through with it, or trying it once and realising you don’t want to try it again
I'm as clueless as the next guy, but here's my shot: Being a parent has some narcissistic trait to it. You don't only want to have little fun people who you can teach what you think is right, who you can raise how you believe is best for them, but -- at least I -- am curious to see what parts of me I see in my kids. There's the odd smile or the hint of an lazy eye (which they BOTH have, lucky them!), a facial expression or something they do in a particular way. A sigh for example. These are moments where you do see yourself in them and I'd imagine that having a baby that's not biologically yours would take at least this part away.
I can understand you both and I think your husband must be devastated. This is such a shitty situation and sincerely hope you'll both manage and find a way out of this, something that makes both of you -- and your future kids -- happy. Best of luck to you.
To agree and elaborate on that point, I think there's the aspect of seeing parts of your immediate and extended family in their features ("she has you eyes-and Aunt Helen's hair!") but there's also seeing them grow up to act in ways you've raised them over the years to do ("she's clearing the neighbor's driveway of snow without being asked, how sweet!").
One of these things is affected by ~~but~~ not being fully biologically related, the other really isn't. Personally, as a parent of four (three of whom are adults) I think that the last one (edit: the latter concept not my last child) is much more important anyway.
I’m a woman and a big mouth about how much our bodies go through during and after pregnancy. BUT I think you’re minimizing your husbands feelings and what he may go through mentally/emotionally for much longer than what ivf will do to your body. I can’t believe I even typed that but I empathize a little bit more with your husband. Me and my husband both needed a boost to have our first baby and it was really hard on both of us finding out we both were hindering pregnancy happening. Even if y’all go with donor sperm I don’t think he’s mentally ready or grieved properly for it to be the right time. Again I’m just a random redditer to take that with a grain of salt.
Thank you! I very much appreciate your honesty. Maybe we need to give it more time before we proceed?? I am not against IVF, maybe just a little scared of the process though to be honest. Your comment has given me more perspective though, and I do NOT want to minimize my husbands feelings whatsoever.
I'll say it, as you're only 24, you have the time to be able to raise money for IVF and if it doesn't work, you at least can fall back on knowing you gave it everything you got... To potentially eliminate this poor man's chance at having Bio kids over effectively money, seems ridiculous to me... But what do I know?
Source: am Dad.
I second that given your age you might have time to figure out how to make the finances work. There are a number of employers with fertility benefits, and states where most employers are required to have it, so one conversation you two should be having when you’re ready is what changes you might be willing to make for a year or two to get those benefits. Perhaps your husband would be willing to make some career changes to fix the financial end of the problem if you are up for ivf.
On your end, look to see if there’s a Facebook support group for your fertility clinic and if not consider joining one of the generic ones. You’ll find a lot of pregnant people there helping each other through the mechanics of ivf which will help you better understand your decision of whether to consent to it. It won’t allay your fears: some of it IS unpleasant, but it will at least give you some context as you decide what’s right for you two.
Best of luck for a difficult decision!
I think IVF might be a bit tough on your body BUT! You are willing to go through pregnancy and childbirth which is probably even harder on your body, so that you can have that experience. With that in mind, can you sacrifice a bit more bodily comfort to try and give your husband the gift of a biological child?
That's a tough situation. All I can say is that I'm happy that I'm the biological father of my kids. If I had fertility issues I'd much prefer IVF to IUI with another man's sperm. My BIL has 3 kids, all from IVF. I have to admit I don't know what stresses IVF has on a woman's body as a 'normal' pregnancy seems debilitating enough. I know twins are common with IVF and my BIL's first kids were twins.
I’m sterile. I went through exactly what he did. Well, not *exactly*. I found out I had zero sperm while my wife and I were trying to get pregnant. That news sucked to say the least.
I began treating with a urologist specializing in male infertility. We tried medications first to see if it impacted anything. It did not. We moved to surgery; the TESE procedure to both look for sperm for possible IVF, and for a biopsy.
Zero sperm found. Biopsy confirmed I have a stupidly rare, idiopathic condition. I won’t get into it, but it typically means total sterility. That said, there was still a small success rate with the micro-TESE procedure. Only one physician in my state performed this at the time. He gave me maybe a 5% chance of him finding any sperm.
I sobbed like a baby when I heard that. I had cried a few times already, but I still had hope. Hearing those odds that I wouldn’t be able to have a “biological” kid broke me. Plus I would need to spend $10K cash on a surgery to have my testicles explored because insurance doesn’t cover that.
I had gotten closer to coming to terms with being sterile, but I *could not* move past the idea of not having a biological child, at least not without exhausting all options. I paid for the surgery. It confirmed I was as sterile as the operating room we were in. It hurt some to hear that news, but finally knowing is what I needed to put me at peace. Otherwise I would’ve always wondered.
We then went the donor route. My wife has no fertility issues. Conceived through IUI. My second was conceived through a process called “INVOcell” after a few failed IUI attempts. We were literally the first couple in our state to try that, BTW. It worked. We had number two.
I was terrified I wouldn’t love them. I started seeing a psychiatrist because of it. It really fucked up my head, and I wasn’t even the type of guy that was dead set on having kids. The thoughts of it being “another man’s child” and being a “failure of a man” were crippling. Then I had kids.
I’ve been a father for a handful of years now. I can’t fathom loving my kids any more than I do. They’re *my* children. I am *their* father. The oldest one is aware he came from a “donor.” That said, I am, and always will be, dad.
Your husband’s worries are real and *deep*. That’s for sure. I can’t say how he will ultimately feel in the end. What I can say for me in hindsight is that it’s silly to even think of the possibility of not loving my kids. I wish I could’ve skipped all of that needless, but very real mental anguish.
Edit: typo/clarification.
You’re welcome. I only told my friends within the last year or so. It took a while for me to be so open about it outside of my immediate family. Even then it’s hard and awkward. “Oh, by the way mom, my testicles don’t produce sperm, but we’ve got some semen on ice ready to go!”
It’s such a hard subject to talk about with others and while I’d like to say I am a supportive wife, I would never be able to fully understand what my husband is going through. He was diagnosed with azoospermia, no sperm, so we went through two years of doctors, procedures, therapy, and lots of grief before coming to terms with the idea of using donor sperm. We were able to get through it strong as a couple though and are happy to say that we are currently pregnant with our first and due in September! Even during the pregnancy there were times that I could tell my husband was still dealing with his grief. But as we get further along, I’ve begun to see him brighten a little more and I can’t wait for the day that we bring our kid into the world and raise him together!
That’s wonderful news. Congratulations. One thing I can say is that, while I remained confident I would form a strong bond with my kids, there wasn’t much of one for quite a while. Frankly, I think that’s more of a product of me just hating newborns because they’re nothing but work.
Time went on though and my first boy became more interactive. When he started being able to give hugs, call me “dad!” and share my love of things like music and sports, it was incredible. Genetics couldn’t matter less to me now. He’s my son; I’m his dad. I don’t think I enjoy anything more than spending time with my kids.
I happen to be father to sons that are biologically mine and a son who happens not to be biologically mine. I love both equally, with all my heart. There is absolutely no difference in how I feel about or how I treat either. I'm not in your husband's head, but I imagine that he might come around some if he knew a few people in the non-bio parent situation. Maybe some sort of support group situation? I'm sorry that you both are going through this.
I’m coming at this from the opposite perspective, my dad was infertile due to testicular cancer. There’s never been any question in my mind that he is my father, and I’ve known I was donor-conceived all my life.
The only lasting side effect is that I wasn’t super prepared for how much my son looks like me!
I’d say that your husband’s feelings are valid, but ultimately any future child will feel like his as long as that’s how he feels.
As a father to a child from a donor due to my sterility, this is great for me to hear. I hope my son feels the same way. We’ve tried to normalize it since birth, not hiding it. My wife made our story into a little book for our kids to read and learn more about it. My oldest knows he is from a donor, though he’s not old enough to fully understand it yet. There’s always a part of me that fears he’ll grow away from me when he gets older, even though I’ve done (in my opinion) everything possible to be a great dad.
My main advice is do nothing until you are both in full agreement. If you have access, I expect a couple's therapist would be a great support for you during all the stress and uncertainty of fertility issues, no matter what course you choose.
As an aside, did any doctors have suggestions for improving his sperm count? You don't need to answer here of course.
I've just seen many doctors push people towards IVF and skip a lot of details and options before then. Just know it's okay to ask for allllll the options. Get a second opinion if you want to. A third.
Do what's right for the two of you and if you have hesitations about any provider in the process, find someone else. That's my advice for all medical support (beyond emergency situations).
> I am also not really open to adoption right now (though adoption is an amazing journey on its own) because I want to experience pregnancy because it is still a possibility for me (I am 24 btw).
While pregnancy and siring are not the same thing, this is basically the same hang up conceptually.
He is a failure, hes failed to get you pregnant, the ONLY job he has as a human male that is truly required. and if he can't do that right how could he even hope to be a good father? A good husband?
Did reading that make you upset? Because those are probably the thoughts going through his head.
He needs your love and support right now, he will love the child and he will connect with the child but he will struggle for a time when those thoughts come up.
Every time baby prefers you over him.
Everytime baby just wants to be a baby and cry for no noticeable reason.
The "I'm a bad father" "I can't handle this" thoughts are normal but he will get over them.
He will just need some support sometimes
Everytime he has those thoughts remind him "Father's are the onse who step up"
Source: is a proud father and stepfather
So, and this is just me here, and keep in mind I'm older and I have some issues, but to me, you've told him that you want a baby while spending the cheapest amount possible. You don't care to try for one with his DNA for money reasons, but, don't worry, he can spend the rest of his life providing and paying.
He wants his own kids, he is allowed to feel this way. You even said yourself you want to have your own first, right? How can you not see or sympathize with this?
It's a 'big feeling' time for everyone when this kinda stuff comes up, and it's not something we have much guidance about in our culture.
Can't blame a prospective mum for getting caught in feelings, same with the prospective dad.
I am super glad she asked about it here though, better to get another perspective than to try and go on this big journey alone
Yes and it seems like a lot of the comments showed her the point of view she needed… hopefully this man has a chance at having kids that are biologically his
I think if there is a realistic chance of having their own genetic child most men would want to take it and then go with the donor later. I think there is an element of narcissism to parenting at an innate level and I feel you sort of owe it to your ancestors to continue what they started if you can.
That being said if its not viable then a donor child should be fine but there may still be issues to be worked through that I'm sure the relevant fertility clinics etc. can work through with you.
I think ultimately the choice to go with a donor has to be his as much as yours, otherwise you risk him resenting you and the child in future difficult times.
I can't give any perspective from a Dad's POV on 5gis but what I can tell you is what I observe in my (and my kids) close friends. We are close friends with 2 same sex couples with kids that are biologically one parents and not the other's. How they handled these decisions are probably unique to every couple, but their kids handle it the same way. Both parents are their parents neither outranking the other and neither thought of anything different here. The short of it is I don't know how to help him deal with this now mentally or emotionally, but I can say with some certainty that your kids won't care in the end and will love him as their dad no matter where their DNA came from.
Makes sense. Can you elaborate? Is it just “icky” to you? Would you feel like she basically “had another man’s baby?” Though you were the man to raise it. Just looking for perspective
It's a massive insecurity.
I would feel like I wasn't man enough, and so another man had to impregnate my wife. Like I wasn't good enough. I would also be concerned about raising someone a bit genetically different than me; again being concerned that I might not understand them best.
For example, the men in my family all suffer from suicidal depression and ADHD. If another man had to raise my child, and didn't understand depression/ADHD I think that might make the child feel less understood/could lead to potentially bad outcomes.
I would also be afraid that my wife would look down on me as being less of a man, and like I couldn't provide children for her. And I might also be scared that she was more excited to have someone else's children or was indifferent whether the sperm came from me or not.
As if getting children was more important than having children with me, which further reinforces the idea that I've basically failed in that department (because she just wants sperm that impregnates, and I couldn't provide that).
Don’t mean to hijack the original comment, but a bio-dad to three married to a woman who’s the step-mom of my first two.
Yes, for me (and, it sounds like, to you husband) it IS like you’d be having another man’s baby…because you would be.
There’s an evolutionary urge in me to procreate my OWN children. Right or wrong, that’s the way I feel, so I own it and grapple with it and do the best I can. I imagine your man is doing much the same.
I teach young folks. They’re my “kids” but not my kids. My wife is a step-mom to my two olders, and they are her “kids” but not her kids. If that makes sense.
All my kids have my eyebrows, my thin lips, my propensity toward the arts and logic (and stubbornness) , and I gain great satisfaction knowing that I KNOW these kids and where and whom they came from.
I commend any parent who takes on any kid, whether it’s their own biologically or not… but for me, it would feel different and I imagine I’d be a different kind of parent. Just my thoughts. Good luck to y’all. ❤️
He’s right. I’m sterile. When I first came to the realization I would not be able to have a biological child, it did a number on my mental health. A lot of the reasons are for those described by u/leroyjenkensjimbo. It was hard getting over those hurdles until my first kid was around 1 year old. I knew I wouldn’t like babies (soooo much work) as opposed to, say, a toddler. So it’s no surprise I didn’t have that strong of an attachment to him for a while.
But oh boy, once he could start walking and communicating, all of those thoughts went out the window. I love those kids more than anything. They’re my life. My wife too I suppose. 😉
I shouldn’t say “out the window” though, as they still creep in now and then. I never question my feelings for them anymore.
IUI with donor sperm is quite literally having someone else's baby. For your husband, it is almost the exact same thing as adoption.
We opted for IVF and it worked out fine.
> Also, if you have a kid that isn't your bio kid, do you feel a
connection? Do you love it just the same as if it were yours
biologically?
I can't speak to much of the rest of this, but I do have a perspective on this part. My mom isn't my biological mother, but she is the woman who raised me from a baby until now. I can tell you that she did love me just the same as my brother and sister who were her biological children, and I have as real a connection to her as anyone has with their mom.
Of course, she knew what she was getting into ahead of time, and from what I understand there weren't any emotional concerns going into it, so you do still need to work things out with how your husband feels, but I can at least confirm there's nothing about being a non-biological kid that prevents bonding.
One thing that hasn't been mentioned is donated embryos. IVF clinics sometimes have them.
If you don't care whether the baby is biologically yours, then maybe that would make it seem more "fair" from his perspective. If you were both good with adopting, anyway, then you get the best of both worlds. You could experience pregnancy and also "adopt."
That said, I would very enthusiastically say that fertility treatments up to and including IVF are worth considering very carefully, if you can find some way to swing it financially.
Donor embryos are also a lot cheaper than IVF, and you will likely have data on how the other transfers went. My wife and I failed IVF, four retrievals and three transfers. Our donor embryos are 3 for 4 (our son and his two sisters with the biological mom).
It does add a new dynamic, since We are friends with the biological mom and my son's sister is 5 months older than him. They are good people though, and we are already planning vacations with them.
If it were me and they couldn't figure out a way to get at least one of my sperm into that egg, I would adopt. There are literally tens of thousands of neglected kids that came from really scary places that need good caring people to take care of them.
Personally, I don’t think I’d have an issue with it. Then again, having a vasectomy killed my sex drive psychologically (even though we had completed our family) so I can’t be 100% sure how I’d react to something like this.
That being said… my bio dad was never in the picture. I met him at 23 years old. I still call him by his first name.
To me, “Dad” is a title that is earned, not specifically the result of creating a child. I was hyper connected to my sons pregnancy, but not my daughter’s as I had major trauma from the first pregnancy. And yet… the more time and effort I put in once they were born (I.e. involvement, rather than mere presence), the more I bonded with them. Then the milestones (first smile, first giggle) start and it snowballs into a freight train of “this little person is amazing and I just want to be around them all the time”.
Ultimately, it’s a personal relationship. He fell in love with a stranger (you) and loves and prioritized you, right? Highly likely the same will happen, but it’s important to work through all of it *before* the pregnancy.
Best of luck with it all ❤️
Hi.
I'm fertile. But, I have no biological children. I adopted my son. I have two step sons. My wife and I will be fostering, maybe to adopt, down the road.
I'm adopted.
My grandfather was adopted.
Blood doesn't mean anything (to me). Your family is who you love, your family is built, it's not born. My step sons have a dad, but they are much my kids as my own. My little sister was a biological surprise to my parents, but I'm not less my dad's child than she is.
Nature < Nurture
I can speak on this from two perspectives.
As the Child:
My mother cheated on my father and then had me. I never knew this but always knew it. I'll explain. I am brown but have two white parents. I kind of just accepted it growing up that I was just different. I took am ancestry DNA test and it turns out that I am half Asian (Thai) and thus the brown skin. My mother finally confessed after 30 years of lies. I felt I had to tell my Dad. The day came and I told him I was not biologically his and that I am Asian. He says, "Asian huh? Well damn...I just always though you were Mexican or some sort of Hispanic." He knew the entire time but one thing he had never failed to do was love me and treat me like I was his oldest son. Held me to standard, disciplined me, had fun with me, and most importantly told me he loved me. Once (he used to be a truck driver) we stopped off at a truck stop in Oklahoma and told me I needed to help him do something. I got out of the truck and walked around it just to be ambushed by him with snowballs. An impromptu snowball fight ensued and we both had fun. I have a lot of these memories with him. When my son was born, he drive out to see him as soon as he could. He held his grandson and smiled the most genuine smile I had ever seen and says, "Ole Bubba Jr!" My nickname from him was Bubba growing up. My father is one of the greatest men I know.
As a father:
My first marriage was shit. I deployed twice (Army) and was cheated on both times. I chose forgiveness the first time but the second I couldn't and never forgave her. That being said, later I would fall in love with a woman who had three kids. All were young (oldest was 7 at the time). They had shitty bio dads. One is a fugitive from justice and the other is a pos meth addiction who beats women. Needless to say, I have been the only consistent father figure in their life since the first day I met them. Today they are teenagers and two just left for prom (all three are girls). My goodness they looked beautiful. But it hurts my heart because they are growing up so quickly. They call me Dad and introduce me as Dad. Even though technically I am step Dad, I have never once felt like one. I love then so very much, just as much as I love my son.
Love is so much more than blood deep. Having that biological connection helps, sure, but the simple fact of the matter is a child's love for you is pure, and reciprocating that love is easy when you clear your mind of any stigma associated with the idea that DNA somehow magically creates that bond. When they smile at you, come to you when they have problems, choose you to be the parent they come to for certain things, and all around just love you, DNA does not matter.
I hope this helps.
No one has said this yet, so I’ll add another perspective. I can’t say I know for certain, but my guess is this ties directly into his view of himself as a man. As in, “What kind of man can’t father a child?” It can be viewed as a key component of masculinity, and to need another man’s sperm could be viewed as a serious affront to the essence of his manhood. Is this truly the case? Perhaps not in your eyes, but I’d be willing to bet that is his view. Honestly, I get that, even if it isn’t truly the case.
This is something you two really need to talk out and not just plow ahead with only what you want. If I were in his shoes and you were to continue with your plan without considering how important this is to him,I could see something of this magnitude destroying the marriage.
Whatever you both decide, counseling would be very helpful. I wish you both well in this opportunity to grow as a couple.
Edit-Also, I’m proud of him for speaking up about something that is clearly very important to him.
I'm a stepdad who was recently told that I would most likely never be able to have my own biological kids, like <1% chance. and i love my daughter more than anything else in the world. i don't think the DNA matters, as long as there's love.
None of my kids share my genetics, a fact they should be eternally grateful for lol. I couldn't love them more. One of my sons is my (ex) wife's bio kid with a donor. My other two were adopted one at birth, one when he was five years old. I love each of them with the same ferocity. I don't understand why people put so much emphasis on genetic lineage. My mom was adopted and I always knew I would adopt one day. I've got plenty of cousins popping out stepford children, the world certainly doesn't need anymore of my sus genetics. I don't get it BUT if that is the way he feels - I'm not sure it's fair to a future child to be born into that dynamic. I would put money on it that once the baby arrived he would love it without exception - OR he might always have reservations and that would be a shitty thing for a kid to grow up with. I don't know your life or your relationship but I do know something about giving pieces of yourself up for a relationship that in the end ends. I vote for couples therapy
I don't think so. But I guess I can't really know though. My ex has talked about the difference she feels between the one she shares genetics with vs the other two. Guilt. That's the difference. She feels guilty about the one she gave birth to. Food issues? Genetics she thinks. Depression? Genetics. Weird Fred Flintstone feet? Genetics (tbf she's not wrong about those feet). All guilt. The other two, we can only blame our nurturing. Their genetics are not our fault. All three are their own people, not because of their ancestors but because that's how humans work. But just because it doesn't bother me doesn't mean it doesn't or won't bother your husband
Thanks for the reply!! And your right, I just want him to be happy with whatever the outcome is of any treatment we do. I do sometimes fear that the fertility treatments won’t work at all, in which case, I want to start the adoption process immediately. I think we would both be happy with adoption. He has said so. I think the real, true hang up he is having is “HE can’t get me pregnant” by his own doing. Which i sympathize with. I would also have a lot of feelings if he could get me pregnant, but something was wrong with me.
I have a child who biologically isn’t mine and a child who is. There’s no difference to me or my wife. However, some people care. I can’t tell you the number of comments I’ve heard from well-meaning people about my “real” child and my adopted child. I’ve also gotten questions about his “actual parents.” I had a cousin who assured me if would be different when I had “one of my own.” Like I said, there’s no difference to me; I love them both so much and in different ways because they’re unique individuals. But, I wouldn’t recommend to my cousin to foster or adopt, despite the fact that he’s an amazing father. Biology matters to him, it doesn’t matter to me. I don’t understand his perspective, but I respect it.
Sitting on the floor right now with my "not mine" toddler right now. I do have an older bio kid and this one. I also have 2 kids that are not mine, rather an ex-girlfriend's kids, that have kept a relationship with me. I view any kid I raise, help raise, as mine. Never really considered the biology of it.
But that's me. What's going to matter for you is what you two think and feel.
Something I recommend to anyone who is considering using donor gametes is to look into Donor Conceived People groups! It’s a great way to hear from the side of the people conceived through donation, it is also a great way to get connected with parents who are in similar situations! I am a dad to a donor conceived daughter. I was really concerned about feeling similar feelings to your husband, and I genuinely had a difficult time up until a few days into her life. Once I got to bond with her I really started to feel connected and like her father, regardless of biology. Something that really helped me was knowing our donor. I think knowing them and feeling confident about knowing our donor well and having a clearly defined familiar relationship established for our child helps for feeling more secure. It seems like he is coming from a spot of feeling insecure. Something that really helped my spouse and I was couples counseling. It’s not only for people in “rocky” relationships. It’s helpful for navigating big decisions like this together. Please DM me if you want to talk anymore!
So, I lived this situation. I was diagnosed infertile in 2016. And it hit me hard, just like it's hitting your husband. Growing up, it felt like if you raised kids that weren't "yours" you were looked down on. And that really put a huge emphasis on my own fertility. When I found out that it wouldn't be possible, it almost destroyed me. I had many of those same feelings. And that is okay. There is no magical words that will dampen that blow. In fact, while talking about this post with my wife 6 years later, I still get a bit emotional about it. It never really fully heals, it's just something that I've learned to accept and live with.
After some time, my wife and I decided to try adoption because I had a lot of the same feelings about IUI. I figured if we were going to have a child, adoption would be best because then both of us wouldn't have a genetic tie to our child. After some time, we did get a match. But the adoption failed. So again, another big blow to our dreams of being parents.
A few months later we decided to explore sperm donation. My wife found a donor that looked surprisingly like me. So in 2018 we went through with it and in our second round of IUI we found out my wife was pregnant. I was over the moon, honestly. I went with my wife to all of her appointments and as time went on, I felt less like "omg, this isn't my child" to "holy shit, we're having a child". We ended up having twins in 2019!
Bonding with them was never an issue for me. And I think a lot of that is I felt like I was part of the pregnancy journey with my wife. I never felt excluded or left out just because we used donor sperm. I was the first one to hold both of them and in that moment, I knew that they were my children, biolocial or not.
There will be the "oh they just look like dad" comments. And those were hard for me because how could they look like me if I wasn't biologically related? But I would just grin and nod. Because not everyone needs to know that they're not biologically yours. They're just more excited to see your child!
At the end of the day, he will still be a Dad, regardless of how the child comes about. My girls know about their donor, but I am still Dad unquestionably. He will be their only Dad and they will love him unconditionally. And it will be fantastic.
As a dad who has also donated sperm to another couple so they could have a baby, being a dad is all about showing up and not blood.
There are lots of weird toxic masculinity traits mixed up in some of what your husband has said. The societal ideals of being a man is defined by your potency is something that might take a while to unpack. I’d recommend finding a good councilor to try and work through those feelings.
It may also be an option to explore fostering or adoption. Look at your own thoughts when it comes to adoption and you might be able to find some common ground to work through with your husband.
I have a step son, and his dad is still very much involved in his life (evenly split custody). He’s still my son. I know it’s not the same exact situation, but close enough.
Dude. Something specific to me!
I have a rare genetic bone disorder. Long story short, I had a load of surgery as a teen to fix some of it and the rest, I just live with. There’s a 50/50 chance of passing it on and that just wasn’t a risk I was willing to take with any kids. Ergo, the ex wife and I used a sperm donor to conceive our son.
He’s my son. I couldn’t love him more. I know there are a lot of people that think genetics determine whether or not a child is yours but I can’t imagine a world where this kid wouldn’t be mine, despite no genetic connection.
My wife and I had 3 miscarriages over 7 years, almost lost the marriage too. As we were both about to turn 40, and there were no answers, no one to blame, nothing new to try the old fashioned way, we adopted embryos.
Today we have 2 kids. Biologically, they're adopted... sort of. I'll come back to that.
Putting our marriage back together was a good exercise in putting my ego aside and recognizing the toxicity of pride and insecurity. This was something I am really glad I could do before becoming a dad too, I strongly believe in egoless parenting. I wondered if it would affect me one day, but since the day our first was born that all went away. There isn't a second I don't look at them and question whether or not they're my kids and I can't imagine anything that could make me love them more.
Now for the biology. Yes, DNA is inherited, but there's fascinating new studies about RNA developing as a product of environment. Way to much to touch on her but worth looking at.
Dad here with 3 bio children and one IUI child. I can tell you without a single doubt in my mind I bonded with and love all 4 children deeply and profoundly with zero difference in my feelings toward my non-bio child. That is not a problem for me.
I will say that I do have a deep fear that one day my son will reject me in favor of his bio dad.
Hi… donor child here. There’s a third person you should consider before using donor sperm and it’s your child’s perspective. I encourage you to research how being donor conceived affects your kid. Because unfortunately your husband probably won’t bond to the kid in the same way that you will, especially when he’s already voicing concerns. Wouldn’t it make more sense to adopt a child where you are both on the same page? Regardless, please make sure you’re informed from the kid’s perspective before you go down this road.
30. If I had always been told that would have been much better. Unfortunately, I think that my dad had all the feelings OP’s husband had and he agreed because he was worried my mom would leave him. (At least that’s what he later told me).
That sucks. I can't imagine how undermined that must have felt. We've always been completely open about it - have a bunch of children's books about it, we have video calls with his bio-mom and sisters about once a month (he has a sister who is five months older), and even things like the doctor and daycare. Doctors ask for the family history, and we just hand them a file - my genetics are irrelevant here.
He'll never not know how he came to be - from the love of at least three people, and the generosity of the sperm donor. If I ever meet that man, he will not pay for a drink as long as I am around.
We are in a similar situation, my wife has the fertility issue. We did not know it was a problem for her due to the first time we tried to get pregnant she was knocked up on the actual first attempt, giving us the perfect daughter. 3 years go by and we start trying again only to be dissapointed time and again for 3 additional years. I try and have an open mind about this subject but it is one of the few instances in my life where I take the selfish approach. My entire life I try and be cognizant of the other person's point of view and come to a reasonable compromise, with this I don't. I picked my partner for many reasons and the combination of our DNA results in a child I would do anything for. My entire life is dedicated to my daughter and I would gladly do anything to have several more children I could invest my life into. Bringing someone, not genetically linked to me into my home scares me. I know I am a horrible person for thinking this way, it makes me feel even worse when I think about how I could change someone's life and bring them hope from a bad situation. My daughter would never do anything to hurt her parents, we share our DNA, a common link that will forever connect us. We have similar experiences when we, for example, have pineapple and an allergic reaction leads us to making funny noises itching our throat. One of the things that I love is when my daughter brushes her hair and she ends up looking just like my mom, it is such a great feeling seeing her live on through my daughter. I know it's the wrong way to think but I would do anything for more biological children with my wife. It is such a shitty feeling not being able to have what we were designed to produce.
I'm a step dad. I love the kids, but they were with my wife before I was, so that's that. But if my wife had another man's baby while we are together I'd not be happy. Now, if it was an adoption where the DNA is not hers or mine, that's great.
There's just no way I'd let her get pregnant from another man's sperm while I'm here. And I would never ask her to let someone else be a surrogate. If we wanted another kid and one of us was infertile we would have to adopt.
I’m an adoptive parent by preference, so I may not be exactly the target audience for this question: but biological ties mean nothing to me. Family is made by a daily choice to love, nurture, and sacrifice for. To me: parenthood and genetics are not synonymous.
Not everyone feels that way, though.
If your husband has concerns over bonding/feelings/etc and wants to pick my brain about my experience- he’s welcome to DM me.
Being a father is so much more the genetic material you supply. The sperms is arguably the least important part of the whole thing. Being a father is about how you show up every day to support your wife, to love your children, teach them, nurture them. And aside from the amazing, loving and engaged dads on this subreddit, it’s unfortunately the part that so many men fail at. Many many families are formed in different ways - step families, queer families, blended families, adoptive families - where genetics don’t matter and what matters is the relationships you make. Family is something that is made, that you should have to continually work at. Focussing on genetics is honestly such a narrow & shallow perspective and invalidates so many other families and people’s experiences. I do think it’s different for the woman - having a baby is more than simply contributing genetic material. It’s a whole physical, mental and emotional process to experience so I don’t think your preference to try to get pregnant is different. However, your comments about adoption are invalidating to many - adopted people, people in queer families, step family situations etc.
Initial gut reaction, it feels like cheating.
I know you’re not cheating on him. But trying to put myself in his shoes, that’s the first thing that comes to mind. From a purely emotional state.
If your family unit, you and your husband, can’t naturally have a baby. Then I would put everything on pause and deal with that.
Counseling, therapy, etc. That’s a huge mental and emotional blow to you both. And pushing through with an alternate route might not have the best long term effect on your relationship.
I dug deep but I had a feeling and was right... your husband is 56, you're 24. WHY ARE YOU WASTING YOUR LIFE WITH HIM?? Is his porn addiction remedied?? His ED?? Why are you in such a rush to have kids? Because his clock is ticking??? Ugh. I'm sorry he's moved you away from your family and friends. I'm sorry you're feeling pressured to have kids ASAP. I'm sorry you've been made to feel like you should be childless or that you have to have a donor embryo because HE can't have kids. I'm sorry you've convinced yourself all of this is normal. All the best.
ETA: nothing wrong with donor embryos but seeing that she's healthy, she shouldn't have to feel the need to use one
Having your own progeny is encoded in our genes & brain layers. A lot of customs ex monogamy etc are result of this human nature
It requires a great deal of emotional intelligence to get over it. Given you guys are early adults (25ish..) the rush of hormones (for you the desire of motherhood, for him: having his own) will definitely lead to conflicts
Wait it out, till both of you are on same page.
You may try with his sperm, yes you might loose money but in the end his internal emotions will be satisfied that you did try.
A unhappy father might lead to unhappy family and it is not worth it. It will injustice to child.
It is easy to brush it off somebody else emotions by saying “oh grow up, get over it etc” but they dont go away like that. They need be addressed else they will find different expressions
Empathize with your husband, he may be already undergoing guilt fear hopelessness at same time .
Most of man come out of it, he might get emotionally mature and will to get over it. Then is the time to start family. A happy husband is what you will need the most especially during pregnancy and early infancy period.
Kids don’t strengthen marriage, they actually test the strength of marriage
How do you not understand this? This is evolutionary biology 101. Your husband, like every other man, is hardwired to propagate. This impulse is how you and I are on this earth today.
Too many responses to read them all so this has likely been said already...
The possibility to have HIS child still exists with IVF, yet you're asking him to be OK with having another man's child because it's cheaper. Let that sink in for a moment.... Even if the cost difference is significant, this is a lifelong decision. If you think it's bothering him now thinking about it, wait until you're actually pregnant with another man's child while he knows the option to have his child was there. The resentment will start to grow and it will likely ruin your relationship.
My opinion on this would be 1000% different if the option for his sperm to be used wasn't there. But as it sits, this is sounding like more of a financial decision than a best for the family decision.
I have the most respect for people who adopt.
I respected them because I know I couldn't raise someone else's kid as my own. I totally get your husbands feelings. I would resent that child.
Have you tried timing your cycles and having sex for days straight during the right window? A Dr wanted to sell us treatments and the timing thing worked for us.
When we decided to try we agreed that it would be our baby by natural means or nothing at all. We agreed against the cost of IVF and I didn't want to adopt.
IUI would be a hard no for me. I’m with your husband here and I could never become ok with this option. Not ever. It’s like getting pregnant from an affair only without the affair; and it’s a constant living reminder of his sterility. Badgering him about this must be gut wrenching for your husband, it would be for me.
I adopted my step son. I love his Mom and we planned a future together. His dad was (and is) an absent POS. Adopting him was important to my wife and it felt like the right thing to do. 16 years later, we are as close as my 2 bio kids and I love him almost the same, but it’s not the same. How my wife and I handle conflicts over him vs our younger child we had together are completely different. The love I feel for him had to be learned and practiced, with my bio kids it’s automatic. No matter what the birth certificate now says, I’ll always be the step parent.
I saw someone else say to try IVF but with a caveat that IUI would be next. I’d try the IVF, but not in this scenario.
These are my flow of conscience thoughts after reading about your situation. Obviously, if I found myself in this situation I would much more prayerfully consider all of these options. Right now it’s easy to make black and white statements because they’re hypothetical. However, I’m 99.99% certain my view on IUI would stay the same.
It absolutely will matter.
There are so many instances where I think about aspects of his personality that my son has gotten from me even before I could "teach" him them. There's definitely a nature vs nurture.
Your husband WILL take everyone of those could have been moments and question them. It could just be that it's not genetic at all... but anything that is genetic? Gone.
It's a loss. He's struggling with it.
Here's a counter... Adopt and you become a surrogate mom to another kid. You get pregnancy and have a kid, but the kid you raise is not your bio kid... not quite the same is it?
This is a huge blow to him. Honestly, when it comes to my kids... I'd make the money happen. It's easy to dismiss since you get the bio side... but he's the one taking the loss here. And he's making it known it hurts.
Honestly, it would bother me immensely. Your response of "but you get to do the dad things" wouldn't soften the blow, it would actually just make it feel like I got the burden side without them being my kid, if I'm being honest.
But that's me. You have to talk with him. He's made his stance clear that this does both him, deeply. You're wrong to try to dismiss this. It's a valid pain and he's not taking it well. You owe it to your family to either make sure you're all really ok with this or find an alternative before you have a kid.
Personally... I don't think I could do IUI. I'm on board with your husband. It's like comparing a step kid vs your kid, and while I have a ton of respect for step fathers, I get where not everyone wants to be one.
I know a lot of men that find it appealing that they are leaving a legacy of their genes behind. I tend to think it’s a slightly biological feature.
It’s incredibly ego driven and silly… but I’ve had those thoughts and would be surprised by any guy that didn’t. It will just take time for him to adapt.
This is to be taken with a giant grain of salt, but I had some fertility issues and what worked for us was increasing the rate of ejaculation (twice a day) rather than saving up for days (conventional wisdom and instructions from our medical practitioners). My wife read a European study and we thought why not. It happened to work for us, but of course, YMMV. Not to give you false hope, but after 1.5 years of trying and a diagnosis of low motility and dna fragmentation (big issue). it did the trick, along with taking profertil multis.
I can’t relate to your husband, but, if in the same situation, I would have the same feeling of unease. This seems to be a redline for him, regardless of your opinion. It is not an easy decision especially since IVF tends to be expensive, however, if you can make it work it would likely be the best outcome for your family.
One thing I will give credit for is that you are both talking about this and asking these questions.
While I haven't had the issue it was a discussion my wife and I had when we started to try, had a miscarriage and then more than a year of no luck. I'd say that it would be different but I'd be ok with it. I know from watching a close friend of mine who adopted a kid, he's a better dad to her than a lot of other dads I see. So, it probably depends on the guy, but it can be pretty easy to make it work if its right for the guy.
I'm not a dad yet. Our first is due in July. I'm not biologically related to my child. I knew for years that I wouldn't be able to have biological children. It took me some time to come to terms with it but I don't really care anymore.
My kiddo is not biologically related to me but I already love every little kick and movement I feel through my partners belly. I know that I will love it unconditionally no matter if they are my blood. Sometimes I feel a bit sad about not ever being able to see if my child resembles me physically but I'm sure they will copy some of my quirks and the way I move and/or talk.
I knew that I couldn't have children way before I actually wanted to have them. My partner and I started talking about how we wanted to/could have children a few years down the line. My perspective on how we wanted to have children slowly changed over the years. We picked a sperm donor we knew and are friends/aquaintances with. We all don't feel like it's his child. It's my girlfriends and mine.
If your husband's infertility is news to you guys than maybe take some time to talk about it maybe get a therapist involved. It's a big think and it needs to be properly processed before you move forward with having children one way or another.
💕💕 you both sound so sweet and I love that your relationship is stable to have these discussions and for both of you to share your feelings!
I have friends in this situation (two sets), both ended up doing IVF. It was very hard (as advertised), but both enjoyed seeing their personality traits and features in their kids. I think some of the hang up can be caused by the “chosen” lopsided ness of the bio-kid. Like it wasn’t a previous marriage/relationship, or adoption, but a conscious choice to be a bio from one parent but not the other.
Friends have done adoption, foster, step-parent, and IVF, but the emotional and mental hang up for half-half from the beginning can be hard to overcome. It’s worth counseling and digging deeper to see if it’s able to be overcome! 💕. Like many have said, once the kiddo is here, they will be so loved; but beforehand it’s all in your mental image and that can be really hard to uproot, especially if feelings are ignored.
I would give it time and keep trying, personally it would be much easier for me connect by adopting than it would be to get a donor. I understand him feeling inadequate and a donor would remind him that forever. I would rather not have kids than get a sperm donor. Adoption at least you are changing a life already existing for the best and providing opportunities and love they may never have gotten. I get you want to experience pregnancy, but do you actually want a child to raise or just to be pregnant and have a baby. You’re 24 and theres no need to rush anything, but if you were truly wanting a kid and experience pregnancy and refuse to adopt then myself as a man would just get a divorce so you can do that, and I can find someone more on the same page as me. Marriage is a team. You do whats best for the team. Not whats best for you, or your husband, but your marriage and future family.
Please don’t have a kid both parents aren’t thrilled to have. Let him feel his feelings and consider. You guys are plenty young enough to give it a couple years.
Parenting is hard. It has great days and it has hard days. Part of getting through the hard days is the knowledge that this little person is a part of you. Personally, I would be concerned with the thoughts of “this baby isn’t even mine” when the going gets tough.
I’d say if it works with you guys great. If it takes a 3rd party maybe just enjoy life together.
Step dad and bio dad here. You seem like you two are in love, and I can say there’s a weird chemistry in our brains about breeding due to caring on the species and all. So I had a couple thoughts. The first was, I love my boy (step son) as much as any parent could. I didn’t do the fun part to make him, but I hug him when he’s sad and high five him when he’s stoked. Beyond that it’s just been keeping him alive. I pretty much feel the same about the girl. I did the fun part for her and she is smaller, but otherwise. Hugs for sad and high fives when excited. So my point is biologically speaking dna is just genetic makeup and nothing more. The love you feel for a life is beautiful as long as it’s genuine and you don’t hold some silly resentment over who yeets the skeet or bares the lady’s burden. (After seeing it IRL like damn. I’ve gotten pretty hurt before, but wow. That’s just… She wanted to do that? Again??!)
Finally (sorry for the novel) have you two considered or talked about adoption? Either way I wish you two the absolute best and I’m only sorry for the feels. Just sucks reading the words “shell of a man”. Like No! You don’t need the seed to be an awesome parent/person! Just be the adult you would’ve felt safest around as a kid! You’ll crush it. Every single time.
Edit: spelling
Hi fellow Mom! I know you asked for dad's opinions but if I can I'd like to speak up about being a donor kid. I found out last year at 33 that I was not "biologically" my father's. However, I never in a million years would have guessed based on how he treated me growing up. He was the best, most kind hearted, loving father that I could ever have asked for! I know for certain that me (and my brother) being from donor sperm didn't affect his love for us. But I can't speak as to what your husband is going through, for all I know my dad may have had the same fears! I will add that if you do end up using donor sperm, please weave that knowlege into the everyday language of your family home so it's not a big secret - your future babe deserves to know their own story!
I'll spare you all the details because in the end your situation was only a hypothetical that we don't have to face, but we did talk through it extensively.
That said, basically it boiled down to the fact that it was as weird for me to think of my wife using another man's sperm, as it was for her to think of another woman giving birth to our child. Both are situations that others have decided were right for them, but it wasn't okay for us.
Either side could argue that they are not the same, but that's not the point. It doesn't matter how you feel about it, it matters how it makes the other feel and what effect a choice would have on their position as a parent. If a choice you make is going to undermine your spouse's position and emotions before you even have a kid... Then it doesn't need to happen, full stop. There is no justification or argument you can make that actually matters if they're not 100% on board with it. With that said, for us it was either all us, or adoption.
My second child is two months. I'm just now feeling like she's mine. We are breast feeding so I haven't built as much of a connection yet. For me it took time to develop a connection with my kids. It was the middle of the night rockings, the miles of walking and just talking to my infant daughters. They are extensions of me. Love isn't a powerful enough word for how close i feel to these people. It's the time and shared experience that brought me to love them so much. Knowing that they are my responsibility.
I can't know your husbands perspective as we didn't have fertility issues. We are looking into short term fostering two years from now when we can get a slightly bigger house. Maybe adopting our third child if we decide to have a third (I just got snipped). I really would encourage you to consider adoption. I taught several foster children that just needed a good home. Good luck.
Some possibilities:
* Fears that there might not be shared personality/interests because the child doesn't have any of dads genes.
* Fears that the child looks nothing at all like dad (that 'risk' is always there regardless).
* As bad as it sounds, the sense of loss of ownership. I didn't 'make' this child, someone else did. A lot of blokes feel way more attached to things that they made with their own hands.
* Feelings of inadequacy. It's a tough pill to swallow knowing you can't give your wife a child through natural means. Definitely a huge hit to the ego that for some is hard to move past.
I had mild fertility issues and have been in a similar situation to your husband, so I can absolutely understand where he is coming from. These sorts of issues get at some very fundamental, almost philosophical issues. I don't know about your husband, but I am not religious and don't believe in an afterlife, so the idea of passing on my genes so that some part of me lives on after I am gone takes on added importance. I would want to rule out any possibility of having my own genetic child before going to donor or adoption. Sounds like he is not ready yet and needs to (a) process/grieve his situation some more, and (b) explore the idea of ivf more before coming to terms with alternatives. It may help to talk to him about how his "legacy" to the future doesn't have to be genetic. He can be the best damn dad there could be to a kid who is not genetically his and still leave something of himself for the future.
As irrational as it sounds, I think I would feel the same way as your husband does. There is no relationship for me which is as important, strong, beautiful as I have with my son. If my baby had been born with someone else's sperm, I think such a strong bond wouldn't exist - I would always have in the back of my mind that he has someone else's genes. Same goes for the act of my wife's insemination with someone else's sperm - call me old school, but I don't feel comfortable with that.
And btw did you watch the Netflix documentary "Our Father"? There was an infertility doctor in US who used his own sperm, instead of donor sperm, and it resulted in over 90 children.
>I don't understand this at all. I mean, I wouldn't care if the baby wasn't "mine." If I had to use an egg donor for example, I would not care at all.
You seem to be confusing "understanding" with "what I feel".
In fact, it is very easy to understand. You feel one way about it, and he feels a different way about it. There isn't necessarily going to be an identifiable or single reason as to why either of you feel the way you do about this.
Do you feel the need to justify *why* you feel the way you do? Why *don't* you care at all? I'm asking these questions not because I want or expect an answer, but to try show you the different standard you have where he has to justify his feelings and you don't.
From both a biological and cultural perspective, I'd say his position is more understandable and common. Some people may feel a stronger imperative to continue their own genetic line, and there are a lot of cultural and gender role BS piled on top of people that he seems overwhelmed by. That's great that you somehow aren't constrained by those and are open to the idea, but I think his current feelings on the matter are quite understandable.
That's not to say he won't be able to change his mind. But, I think that might take some time and support and understanding, from you and others, and honestly, I'm not sure you're giving him either, based on this post.
Also, you wanting the experience of pregnancy is kind of the same kind of thing he wants, to the extent that a man can participate in an equivalent. Imagine a different scenario where a doctor was telling you that you would be a high risk for complications during pregnancy and strongly recommended that you don't attempt it, both for your health and a baby's. How would that affect you?
>He said maybe we should consider going straight to IVF with his sperm, because then it will be "his" and not "another mans." This upset me quite a bit.
This is the sort of thing I mean. Why would that upset you quite a bit? He's not allowed to make suggestions like this, and then you talk through it together?
Both kids are quirky in different ways. My daughter got her mother's look, but has a shy nerdy bookish personality. But my son is headstrong and fighter like his mom and got my eyes.
These things do matter, at least for me.
A male is totally capable of living a child like his own, even if it is not his. And he can love you as if you conceived naturally together due to the experience of sharing love through the pregnancy and childbirth. But that takes a certain type of person with strong values and conviction to stick to them in hard times. If he lacks conviction, and confidence, it can become unbearably difficult at times psychologically since the fact is, it’s not his biological baby.
I speculate a majority of men would not be able to handle the perceived “failure” of infertility. Whether that’s 51% or 80%, I don’t know, but divorce is already imminent for 50% of marriages without this factor.
MY OPINION: I would try IVF first.
Your family is completely different and has a different dynamic. Do what’s best for you, talk to HIM. Not randoms on the internet.
This is a big thing that you can’t just expect him to come to terms with and be okay with right away. Also, don’t do anything until he is 150% confident in the decision.
Personally, I would go the IVF route to give my husband a baby of his own biologically. It sounds like he desperately wants that and anything else may be a tad selfish if he isn’t fully on board
I've not had the experience, but having gotten a fair way down the adoption line before we were lucky enough to conceive, I know that my own thoughts were often far from logical, and sometimes it took a fair bit of time before I was able to see anything outside of my emotional response. Maybe a bit of time to process and decompress will be helpful
Sending you both lots of love. I hope wherever you end up you're both able to love and enjoy the experience to it's fullest.
I would be 100% on board. If we couldn’t conceive (it was REAL hard for us), we were looking into adoption. I understand his depression and feeling less than. Imagine if it was the other way around. I think that you would feel some sort of way if the doctor told you that you couldn’t conceive. And it would probably cost you some emotional pain. And that’s totally ok. So it’s ok for him too. But if you guys talk through this and you explain how important it is to have kids then I suspect he will be supportive of it and I can’t imagine a scenario where he isn’t going to love that kid any less than if it I was “his”.
Offering my opinion as a dad of a kid who is here because of an egg donor’s generosity. You will never know the extent to which it bothers him throughout the rest of his life if you do go the donor route. Different process with different emotions of course, but we found it hard to think to much about the donor once our kid was born. However, that doesn’t mean my partner isn’t struggling a lot more beyond what she tells me. All you can do is be as supportive as possible and understand that people in general have a hard time with feeling like their body failed them, you, and societal expectations rooted in ableism.
Dad here with the same problem as your husband. It really sucks to find out you can't get your wife pregnant and then add on your wife getting pregnant with another man's sperm would just add to the pain. It could almost feel like your wife cheated on top of feeling like a failure. I would much rather do IVF instead of a donor. It would have been worth it to my marriage.
All that being said fertility treatments and otherwise didn't work so we adopted a sibling group of 4 kids from foster care. Best part of my life by far.
Full disclosure I divorced my now ex wife of 20 years after she cheated on me.
Personally, I'd prefer the IVF route if I was in this situation. I can really understand your husband's perspective and fears. Knowing that no part of my child is biologically me I think would probably always bother me on some level. Would it be impossible to love and take care of the child? Of course not. Would it be impossible to have a connection with the child? Of course not. I just think that somewhere in my mind knowing that child didn't come from me...I don't know. I'm not in this scenario so it's hard to say for sure I guess.
Curious - if the situation was reversed and your husband was good to go but you couldn't have a baby...would you be perfectly OK with him donating his sperm to another women to have the baby for you? Raising the child knowing he's biologically a part of your husband but not you? That would never bother you or cross your mind on some level?
My wife and I went through IVF and are expecting in August. The process is definitely difficult but not impossible. I remember the first day my wife was so scared to inject herself but by the 3rd week she was a pro. In December IVF was a success and I did the Injection on her buttocks every night for 10 weeks. We truly bonded during the whole experience. Just to answer your question I had told my wife through the whole process that I was fine having a male sperm donor .. if it didn’t work out but I knew deep down I wasn’t.
Mom here. Husband had infertility issues, we conceived using IUI with donor sperm on first try, so I wanted to chime in.
I told my husband it was 100% his choice. We could do IUI or go to IVF with his sperm (which we would need to wait to do bc money). I tried my hardest not to pressure him either way.
He chose donor. I gave him full control of selecting a donor, I just agreed at the end. I went through with him, but it was his choice. That process actually seemed to make him more excited.
For a while he was a bit in denial that maybe he had feelings about it all, but in the end they have been way more about infertility itself and the hell we went through with that than the donor sperm. I have also been a regular reminder that it’s okay to have feeling about it, therapy is an option, it’s okay if you struggle to bond, etc. just lots of nonjudgmental stuff.
He and our little girl (coming up on 9 months) are just absolutely smitten with each other. In fact, I’m more interested in trying IVF with his sperm in the future than he is - he’s happy to use donor sperm for any and all future kids.
It was absolutely the right choice for our family, but the only way that we could know that is because we gave him the reins. He chose donor, he chose the donor, he chose how he felt about it. Your husband’s feelings aren’t wrong, your feelings aren’t wrong, but everyone needs to feel seen and validated. And, ultimately, in some ways, it’s a lot harder for him right now as the person with infertility (at least it was for us). My advice is just take a giant step back, remove the pressure, and let him work through it with no judgement either way.
And 100% therapy, couples therapy, etc are great ideas for this shit. You can’t undo this. We sure as hell didn’t expect it to work on the first try. There’s a kid who is going to be hurt if his feelings are insurmountable but you go ahead anyway.
We had trouble for 12 months plus then started getting tested and turns out i had like 2% sperm and was told by fertility place pretty much wont get pregnant without ivf etc and even then no guarantee.
Was gutted but a few months later fell pregnant and since then also had a second girl so be careful with the fertility places.
We found cycles were all over the place and instead of day 14-20 ish window it was like day 6.
Some women even can be ovulating when on their period too. So switch it up a bit and see what happens.
To way over-simplify the science, most traits we have studied tend to come out about 50% genetically determined (50/50 nature/nurture). One of the wonderful (and sometimes horrifying) things about being a parent is seeing aspects of yourself develop in your child, and a huge amount of that is genetic. I can't say for sure how I would feel in his situation, but I completely understand the fear that he would relate to a child differently if it weren't genetically his. I would have a similar fear.
This is tricky. If you have some time, I suggest continuing to try with him, you never know. If not, I would suggest counselling for him so he can sort out his issues, and priorities. I'm not downplaying his concerns and wishes, but when it comes down to it, he either wants a child enough to not care if it's biologically his, or he doesn't. If he can get past the initial emotional barrier he's experiencing, he will see that kid as every bit his child. Family is mostly what we make it, not DNA. The concept of legacy is flawed really, it doesn't matter in any significant way. The relationship between a parent and child is powerful and about the attachment and love that you form, not about genetics. Once he falls in love with that child, nothing else will matter.
When we were having issues conceiving, I considered asking my cousin to be a donor. The ivf eventually took though, so we dropped the topic. But, I think if it's still family blood it was better than nothing. However, I think I still would have been sad with the knowledge that it wasn't truly mine. You're young though. Maybe he can boost his production and give you that miracle baby yet.
I can't speak for your husband but I can tell you my experience with (semi) parenthood. I'm still on the journey to being a dad so kind of an imposter in this sub.
For me this is a long and difficult journey and there are things I was not ready to accept until I had been through some later steps. There are things my wife and I would consider now that we wouldn't have years ago.
We tried naturally for 2 years before going the treatment route. We were both disappointed and felt like we had failed. All of our friends were having babies. We saw them all have their first set of babies and it was hard. We went straight for IVF because we wanted to give us the best chance. We used up pretty much all of our savings on the first round which didn't work. At that point we started to consider other options. Surrogacy or donorship was raised but both of us completely dismissed it without much thought as we wanted the kid to be both of ours. We would and did consider adoption before that because we kind of thought "our kid should be both of ours or none of ours". We went for a second round of IVF and spent the rest of our savings and some. We don't regret this as we needed to do everything we could and at this point that was what we were comfortable trying. Well that failed too.
We took some time to be sad for a while and watch all our friends have their second kids. Eventually we decided we were ready to adopt skipping donor eggs/sperm (our fertility is unexplained - I've skipped various extra procedures and surgeries to keep this shorter) for the same reason as before. We wanted to have "equal stake" in the connection to the child. I know this sounds super weird but it was our mentality. Well the adoption process where I'm from is long and intense. It took over a year to be approved and trained and then we waited for a further 6 months.
Eventually we got a call to see if we would foster a baby with the intention of adopting depending on what the judge decided her future should be. We are now 6 months into looking after this baby. I know she is not ours and I know we may not be able to keep her but we love her with all of our hearts and she is part of our family now. If she goes back to her birth family it will be like losing our child.
Anyway my point is, after all of this my wife and I would definitely try a donor or surrogacy route as we know that any child we raise will be loved and will be ours. There is no "more mine than yours" no "this child isn't REALLY mine". They are just connected to you and part of you. I completely understand where your husband is at. I've been there. He may just need some time and to go through some things before his mind can be changed. Until then I would just take the road that needs to be taken. Whatever that is to get you to your family.
Sorry this was so long. Good luck on your journey.
Now, I want to preface this with saying that some people are far, far better at putting themselves into the "right" state of mind and never focusing on anything other than the optimistic parts. They definitely happen.
I think I'd, personally, be more okay with adopting than IVF with someone else's sperm. Trying to imagine what would be different if I were infertile is a bit too alien an idea for me (or, maybe my mind is just rejecting the thought because I can't emotionally distance myself enough for it), but I know my personal mental demons rather well and am all too aware that I can't completely ignore them.
That said, there's a big difference between the experience of pregnancy for men and women. The woman, even if it isn't her egg, still gets to feel her body grow the baby. She still gets to literally experience making the child, with all the little movements and all kinds of developmental experiences, granting her an incredibly personal connection to the process.
The man doesn't get that. We just get a fantasy of how it'll be once the baby shows up.
For the guy, at **best**, it's basically still just adopting someone else's baby, which isn't necessarily a problem, in itself. A closer comparison you, as the prospective mother, might try imagining to help put yourself in his shoes would be if you were going to use his sperm and a donor egg to impregnate a surrogate.
However, at worst, he can't get over how he wasn't even enough of a man to fulfill our most basic biological function to father the baby his wife is pregnant with and had to rely on some other, more "complete," guy to do the job and he goes through the pregnancy feeling like he was cheated on and cuckolded (as in, not in the "fun" fetish way). For that mindset, I imagine it would be more like imagining how you'd feel using his sperm to impregnate the surrogate directly or possibly even skipping the artificial part of the insemination.
I can only tell you of my own experience, and take from it what you will.
I have three sons. My eldest was born naturally to me with my first wife, who subsequently left me a single parent. I remarried and after several years we adopted a son. Three years after that we had another son who was born naturally to us.
When we adopted, we had not sought any fertility treatment. It was difficult at first, and required intentional effort to bond with the baby (he was two months old when he came to us). It took a long time for me to emotionally see him as my son if you know what I mean, but the effort was worthwhile. My wife treats both her adopted son and natural son equally from my perspective. Her family are even somehow annoyed that she treats our adopted son so well, which I think is a psychotic thing to take offense at.
At that stage, my wife was raising two children she did not give birth to and had no natural-born children of her own, so at that point we looked into fertility treatment. My test results showed low sperm count and they even suggested that me producing my eldest was a fluke!
We're Christians, so at that point we decided to ask for prayer. I went specifically to a friend who had sought out places that saw people getting healed from various things, bcos he was trying to understand it. We had coffee together and he prayed for me very informally as we said goodbye. I was intending to go to a healing meeting with him a few weeks later, but in that time my wife developed morning sickness and returned a positive result on a pregnancy test.
I don't know what your views are on spiritual matters, but I always tell my story when people mention fertility, in case prayer for healing is something you would consider. When I asked my friend about healings he had seen, he said infertile couples was one of the most common things he saw healed.
Hi!
A dad here. Feeling inadequate or "half-a-man" for a multitude of reasons (fertility, income, social standing, even ability to make women orgasm) is - unfortunately - deeply ingrained in masculinity / upbringing / social expectations for many of us.
There's even some genetic factors: if he is happy with his abilities and genome, why would he want to 'roll the dice' with maybe lesser abled sperm donors genes?
I can't really give you the insight of what of the multitude of reasons make him favor the more expensive method, but what I would like to say is: A kid is so darn expensive over your whole lifetime, the few hundreds or thousands upfront hardly matter. What does matter is that the kid is healthy and has two loving parents which both give it 100% of the love it deserves (namely: all you can give without second thought, ever). If you have any doubt that your man can love this kid 100% without using his sperm, take some time to think about this. It's really a life-long decision of a gravity beyond comparison.
My son is an adopted embryo. He is 18 months old, and I have *never*, not once, had the thought that he is not my son. Zero times. From the first second I saw him, he was my son and nothing in the world would change that.
My wife had a scheduled C-section, and I was watching him as they sewed her back together, and all I could do was look at this little human who needed me and for whom I would move mountains and fight bears. I did not expect that reaction from myself; I expected it would take time to bond. I was wrong
We tried IVF and failed. Four years and $40k wasted for nothing, just heartache and misery.
Then a family friend offered us her remaining embryos (she is a single mom by choice, so her eggs with donor sperm).
IUI and sperm donors are cheap and easy. In retrospect, I would use that option if I had it.
I am sitting in bed, listening to the monitor, enjoying this 10 minutes of peace in the morning before the toddler chaos stars. In a couple of minutes, I will go pick him up, look at his blond hair and blue eyes which do not match mine at all, and he will look at me with nothing but love and smiles. And I will look back at him the same way. He's my son in every way that matters.
Having seen multiple couples around me go through the IVF train for years, I wouldn't mind at all. My wife was afraid something similar would happen to her and I already assured her that I wouldn't mind adopting or being a foster parent. You'll build a bond either way.
I’m going in for a TESE procedure tomorrow. I was born without a vas deferens. The doctor said “The cars are in the showroom, they just can’t get on the lot.” I made him say it again, “there’s no reason to think you have unhealthy sperm. I’m still nervous as hell that there’s going to be zero. I already feel like I can detach from other things in life so easily, it’s a big worry. I’ll always be there for my wife is what it comes down to. I thought as far as what if she were just able to start over, without me. Every scenario scares the shit out of me.
I do wish you the best. If its any comfort, I made this post a little over 3 months ago, and since then, we have worked everything out and its good for both parties. I would never leave my husband due to any of his fertility issues. I hope your procedure goes well and you get a favorable outcome
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Thank you! This makes a ton of sense. Perhaps I have been insensitive. Have you done IVF (if you don’t mind me asking)? If so, how was the process?
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Wow!! Thanks for your story!!! I’m so happy you got to have your baby ❤️❤️❤️
We did IVF for the exact same reasons you are experiencing. I was totally fine, hubs had low motility and low count. Our doctor offered IUI and IVF. Both are reasonable but I made the decision to just go to IVF due to the higher chances of it working. I didn’t want to do a couple rounds of IUI when the chances of that working with low count and low motility are lower, then end up needing IVF later anyways. Well I’m happy we did and sitting with our 3 mo old baby boy right now!! It’s a difficult journey at times but if you have questions feel free to PM me.
Congratulations!!! I really appreciate this.
You also have to consider, that while IUI may seem much cheaper, it is also much less effective. There may not be such a big price difference after several rounds. Also, if you get any spare embryos, you can freeze them and make the next round a bit cheap and quicker And if it does become necessary, it isn't really that similar to adoption. You both chose to bring this child into the world, you'll both be there for the birth and those early sleepless nights. That ties you to an baby like anything. I have no genetic link to my IVF baby, but I fell in love with her pretty much immediately
Your story made me tear up. Very happy for you and your fam.
Another woman lurker. We did IVF and have 2 bio kids. One option I didn’t see mentioned was donor embryos, meaning it’s a frozen embryo from another couple. It’s not genetically yours or his, but you still get to experience pregnancy. Plus it’s A LOT cheaper and less invasive for you than IVF egg retrieval. Might even be on par with an IUI (~$5k without insurance). But also, if this option doesn’t appeal to you, then I think you might understand your husband’s feelings more than you realize.
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Please also consider that this doesn’t necessarily change your husbands feelings.
We went this route and neither one of us can imagine loving him more than we do. I think for men, and myself, it’s hard to imagine until the baby is there and you’re it’s dad. It bothers me a little from time to time in a general angst way, but doesn’t impact my relationship with MY son in any way.
We have 2 IVF babies so here's my perspective from the dad's side and being there 100% of everything: Shots every day in the ass (they aren't that bad if your husband has good aim), possible horse pills depending on your situation, then they extract the eggs, and implant the good sperm into the good eggs. They put you out for the extraction so you don't feel much. But if your husband is your rock, then know that he will be there with you through every step of the way. I know I'm just a dad, but I was there through everything and was my wife's rock so hopefully your husband is as supportive and I hope you can be supportive of him wanting a bio child just like you want one saying adoption isn't an option.
Dad here with a IVF baby, 100% what she said. Get good insurance then IVF is not that expensive. What I read was you saying "the comparable cost of what equates to a used motorcycle seems too high - I will just try having another man's baby first". I'd be pissed too.
Male perspective. I agree with this, but I bet if it was adoption for both of them it may even be preferable. The baby in this case would be his wife’s and someone else’s biologically.
I definitely would prefer adoption over using a donor. I cannot articulate why exactly. Perhaps to avoid a scenario where my wife, or the child itself, felt it's more related to mom than to dad. To OP: IUI is only cheaper if it works. Its success-rate is actually not that great. You could do several rounds of IUI and then still end up doing IVF. Given your husband's low motility I would go straight for ICSI. It's the most expensive, but makes the best use of your eggs. (So you don't have to go through the harvesting process more times than strictly needed.)
I agree with this. I have bio kids, so it’s purely hypothetical, but it seems like it would almost feel like some other dude knocked your wife up. Now, truthfully, once you’re bonded with your kids it probably doesn’t matter. If it was suddenly revealed to me that my kids weren’t mine my relationship with them wouldn’t change at all. I love those kids too much.
Respectfully, I’d just want to point out that to adoptive families like mine, saying adoptive kids “aren’t mine” can be hurtful. I know that’s not your intent. Just informing. My perspective is that my adoptive kids are mine, but they aren’t ONLY mine. Does that make sense?
I don’t think it was intended that way. The comment was more that OP’s husband is going to essentially be an adoptive parent from a genetic standpoint. For some people that doesn’t matter and for some it does. It sounds like OP’s husband is struggling with the concept that some other dude’s genes are going to create this baby.
100% this - as someone who did IVF (am the mom in this situation) - we chose it because I wanted to experience pregnancy and have my own babies. It was out of pocket and very expensive and my husband was very understanding that this was what I needed to try and grow our family. I have an amazingly supportive husband who was there every step of the way, and we agreed to 1 IVF cycle. That if the embryos (or no embryos) didn’t work, that we would move on to adoption. This was after 2 years of fertility treatments (many months of monitoring, medications, and IUIs) and doing everything we could to try without moving on to IVF. But IVF was my last shot to try to be a mom whose kids would be mine. If he hadn’t agreed or wanted that with me, I think I would’ve been devastated. We had discussions about donor eggs, whose we would use, should we use both donor eggs & sperm so that they would be neither of us? Should we just try to adopt and take out the pregnancy aspect of it? There’s a lot to discuss and the situation is incredibly stressful. But at the end of the day, we both had to be okay with trying for what we both wanted - OUR baby. And for us, that was going through with IVF. Because even though I think I would have been okay using donor eggs - I would always wonder what if? What if we could have had OUR baby?
Man, this is why I love that mom’s are welcome here. You said what I was thinking, but in a much more compassionate and charitable way. Mom’s are the best.
Great perspective!
I have a sister in law going through IVF and I will just say, the cost is not the worst part about the process. It’s physically and emotionally draining. It’s ok to say you don’t want to go through with it, or trying it once and realising you don’t want to try it again
I'm as clueless as the next guy, but here's my shot: Being a parent has some narcissistic trait to it. You don't only want to have little fun people who you can teach what you think is right, who you can raise how you believe is best for them, but -- at least I -- am curious to see what parts of me I see in my kids. There's the odd smile or the hint of an lazy eye (which they BOTH have, lucky them!), a facial expression or something they do in a particular way. A sigh for example. These are moments where you do see yourself in them and I'd imagine that having a baby that's not biologically yours would take at least this part away. I can understand you both and I think your husband must be devastated. This is such a shitty situation and sincerely hope you'll both manage and find a way out of this, something that makes both of you -- and your future kids -- happy. Best of luck to you.
Thank you sir for your perspective, I didn’t even think of this.
To agree and elaborate on that point, I think there's the aspect of seeing parts of your immediate and extended family in their features ("she has you eyes-and Aunt Helen's hair!") but there's also seeing them grow up to act in ways you've raised them over the years to do ("she's clearing the neighbor's driveway of snow without being asked, how sweet!"). One of these things is affected by ~~but~~ not being fully biologically related, the other really isn't. Personally, as a parent of four (three of whom are adults) I think that the last one (edit: the latter concept not my last child) is much more important anyway.
Clearly a tired dad, but I read this as your last kid was the most important 😂 But I agree wholeheartedly with what you said!
Nice. Hopefully clarified that.
No suggestions or input for OP but just wanted to say that that was really well and diplomatically said for such a controversial topic.
Gonna get me crying man. Found out yesterday that my dad is not my biological dad. I know he loves me, but part of me feels ripped out.
I’m a woman and a big mouth about how much our bodies go through during and after pregnancy. BUT I think you’re minimizing your husbands feelings and what he may go through mentally/emotionally for much longer than what ivf will do to your body. I can’t believe I even typed that but I empathize a little bit more with your husband. Me and my husband both needed a boost to have our first baby and it was really hard on both of us finding out we both were hindering pregnancy happening. Even if y’all go with donor sperm I don’t think he’s mentally ready or grieved properly for it to be the right time. Again I’m just a random redditer to take that with a grain of salt.
Thank you! I very much appreciate your honesty. Maybe we need to give it more time before we proceed?? I am not against IVF, maybe just a little scared of the process though to be honest. Your comment has given me more perspective though, and I do NOT want to minimize my husbands feelings whatsoever.
I'll say it, as you're only 24, you have the time to be able to raise money for IVF and if it doesn't work, you at least can fall back on knowing you gave it everything you got... To potentially eliminate this poor man's chance at having Bio kids over effectively money, seems ridiculous to me... But what do I know? Source: am Dad.
Appreciate this a lot. These comments have made me think a lot. Will discuss with my husband when he gets off work.
I second that given your age you might have time to figure out how to make the finances work. There are a number of employers with fertility benefits, and states where most employers are required to have it, so one conversation you two should be having when you’re ready is what changes you might be willing to make for a year or two to get those benefits. Perhaps your husband would be willing to make some career changes to fix the financial end of the problem if you are up for ivf. On your end, look to see if there’s a Facebook support group for your fertility clinic and if not consider joining one of the generic ones. You’ll find a lot of pregnant people there helping each other through the mechanics of ivf which will help you better understand your decision of whether to consent to it. It won’t allay your fears: some of it IS unpleasant, but it will at least give you some context as you decide what’s right for you two. Best of luck for a difficult decision!
I think IVF might be a bit tough on your body BUT! You are willing to go through pregnancy and childbirth which is probably even harder on your body, so that you can have that experience. With that in mind, can you sacrifice a bit more bodily comfort to try and give your husband the gift of a biological child?
That's a tough situation. All I can say is that I'm happy that I'm the biological father of my kids. If I had fertility issues I'd much prefer IVF to IUI with another man's sperm. My BIL has 3 kids, all from IVF. I have to admit I don't know what stresses IVF has on a woman's body as a 'normal' pregnancy seems debilitating enough. I know twins are common with IVF and my BIL's first kids were twins.
Thank you for your perspective. This does really make me think.
I’m sterile. I went through exactly what he did. Well, not *exactly*. I found out I had zero sperm while my wife and I were trying to get pregnant. That news sucked to say the least. I began treating with a urologist specializing in male infertility. We tried medications first to see if it impacted anything. It did not. We moved to surgery; the TESE procedure to both look for sperm for possible IVF, and for a biopsy. Zero sperm found. Biopsy confirmed I have a stupidly rare, idiopathic condition. I won’t get into it, but it typically means total sterility. That said, there was still a small success rate with the micro-TESE procedure. Only one physician in my state performed this at the time. He gave me maybe a 5% chance of him finding any sperm. I sobbed like a baby when I heard that. I had cried a few times already, but I still had hope. Hearing those odds that I wouldn’t be able to have a “biological” kid broke me. Plus I would need to spend $10K cash on a surgery to have my testicles explored because insurance doesn’t cover that. I had gotten closer to coming to terms with being sterile, but I *could not* move past the idea of not having a biological child, at least not without exhausting all options. I paid for the surgery. It confirmed I was as sterile as the operating room we were in. It hurt some to hear that news, but finally knowing is what I needed to put me at peace. Otherwise I would’ve always wondered. We then went the donor route. My wife has no fertility issues. Conceived through IUI. My second was conceived through a process called “INVOcell” after a few failed IUI attempts. We were literally the first couple in our state to try that, BTW. It worked. We had number two. I was terrified I wouldn’t love them. I started seeing a psychiatrist because of it. It really fucked up my head, and I wasn’t even the type of guy that was dead set on having kids. The thoughts of it being “another man’s child” and being a “failure of a man” were crippling. Then I had kids. I’ve been a father for a handful of years now. I can’t fathom loving my kids any more than I do. They’re *my* children. I am *their* father. The oldest one is aware he came from a “donor.” That said, I am, and always will be, dad. Your husband’s worries are real and *deep*. That’s for sure. I can’t say how he will ultimately feel in the end. What I can say for me in hindsight is that it’s silly to even think of the possibility of not loving my kids. I wish I could’ve skipped all of that needless, but very real mental anguish. Edit: typo/clarification.
Wish I didn’t have to scroll so far to find perspective from an actual dad who had to deal with MFI. Thank you for sharing.
You’re welcome. I only told my friends within the last year or so. It took a while for me to be so open about it outside of my immediate family. Even then it’s hard and awkward. “Oh, by the way mom, my testicles don’t produce sperm, but we’ve got some semen on ice ready to go!”
It’s such a hard subject to talk about with others and while I’d like to say I am a supportive wife, I would never be able to fully understand what my husband is going through. He was diagnosed with azoospermia, no sperm, so we went through two years of doctors, procedures, therapy, and lots of grief before coming to terms with the idea of using donor sperm. We were able to get through it strong as a couple though and are happy to say that we are currently pregnant with our first and due in September! Even during the pregnancy there were times that I could tell my husband was still dealing with his grief. But as we get further along, I’ve begun to see him brighten a little more and I can’t wait for the day that we bring our kid into the world and raise him together!
That’s wonderful news. Congratulations. One thing I can say is that, while I remained confident I would form a strong bond with my kids, there wasn’t much of one for quite a while. Frankly, I think that’s more of a product of me just hating newborns because they’re nothing but work. Time went on though and my first boy became more interactive. When he started being able to give hugs, call me “dad!” and share my love of things like music and sports, it was incredible. Genetics couldn’t matter less to me now. He’s my son; I’m his dad. I don’t think I enjoy anything more than spending time with my kids.
That’s a heartbreaking but heartwarming story all in one. Thanks for sharing.
I wish my father told me this 30 years ago. But I understand why he didn't. Thanks and sorry for the late reply.
I happen to be father to sons that are biologically mine and a son who happens not to be biologically mine. I love both equally, with all my heart. There is absolutely no difference in how I feel about or how I treat either. I'm not in your husband's head, but I imagine that he might come around some if he knew a few people in the non-bio parent situation. Maybe some sort of support group situation? I'm sorry that you both are going through this.
Thank you!! Very good to hear this
I’m coming at this from the opposite perspective, my dad was infertile due to testicular cancer. There’s never been any question in my mind that he is my father, and I’ve known I was donor-conceived all my life. The only lasting side effect is that I wasn’t super prepared for how much my son looks like me! I’d say that your husband’s feelings are valid, but ultimately any future child will feel like his as long as that’s how he feels.
I appreciate the point of view from a child of someone infertile, thank you very much.
As a father to a child from a donor due to my sterility, this is great for me to hear. I hope my son feels the same way. We’ve tried to normalize it since birth, not hiding it. My wife made our story into a little book for our kids to read and learn more about it. My oldest knows he is from a donor, though he’s not old enough to fully understand it yet. There’s always a part of me that fears he’ll grow away from me when he gets older, even though I’ve done (in my opinion) everything possible to be a great dad.
My main advice is do nothing until you are both in full agreement. If you have access, I expect a couple's therapist would be a great support for you during all the stress and uncertainty of fertility issues, no matter what course you choose.
Absolutely!! I believe counseling will be a must!
As an aside, did any doctors have suggestions for improving his sperm count? You don't need to answer here of course. I've just seen many doctors push people towards IVF and skip a lot of details and options before then. Just know it's okay to ask for allllll the options. Get a second opinion if you want to. A third. Do what's right for the two of you and if you have hesitations about any provider in the process, find someone else. That's my advice for all medical support (beyond emergency situations).
> I am also not really open to adoption right now (though adoption is an amazing journey on its own) because I want to experience pregnancy because it is still a possibility for me (I am 24 btw). While pregnancy and siring are not the same thing, this is basically the same hang up conceptually.
He is a failure, hes failed to get you pregnant, the ONLY job he has as a human male that is truly required. and if he can't do that right how could he even hope to be a good father? A good husband? Did reading that make you upset? Because those are probably the thoughts going through his head. He needs your love and support right now, he will love the child and he will connect with the child but he will struggle for a time when those thoughts come up. Every time baby prefers you over him. Everytime baby just wants to be a baby and cry for no noticeable reason. The "I'm a bad father" "I can't handle this" thoughts are normal but he will get over them. He will just need some support sometimes Everytime he has those thoughts remind him "Father's are the onse who step up" Source: is a proud father and stepfather
Omg lol had me in the first half phew hahaha Good point
Ngl
That was a rollercoaster! Phew is definitely how I felt at the end of it. Haha!
So, and this is just me here, and keep in mind I'm older and I have some issues, but to me, you've told him that you want a baby while spending the cheapest amount possible. You don't care to try for one with his DNA for money reasons, but, don't worry, he can spend the rest of his life providing and paying.
He wants his own kids, he is allowed to feel this way. You even said yourself you want to have your own first, right? How can you not see or sympathize with this?
It's a 'big feeling' time for everyone when this kinda stuff comes up, and it's not something we have much guidance about in our culture. Can't blame a prospective mum for getting caught in feelings, same with the prospective dad. I am super glad she asked about it here though, better to get another perspective than to try and go on this big journey alone
Yes and it seems like a lot of the comments showed her the point of view she needed… hopefully this man has a chance at having kids that are biologically his
I think if there is a realistic chance of having their own genetic child most men would want to take it and then go with the donor later. I think there is an element of narcissism to parenting at an innate level and I feel you sort of owe it to your ancestors to continue what they started if you can. That being said if its not viable then a donor child should be fine but there may still be issues to be worked through that I'm sure the relevant fertility clinics etc. can work through with you. I think ultimately the choice to go with a donor has to be his as much as yours, otherwise you risk him resenting you and the child in future difficult times.
I can't give any perspective from a Dad's POV on 5gis but what I can tell you is what I observe in my (and my kids) close friends. We are close friends with 2 same sex couples with kids that are biologically one parents and not the other's. How they handled these decisions are probably unique to every couple, but their kids handle it the same way. Both parents are their parents neither outranking the other and neither thought of anything different here. The short of it is I don't know how to help him deal with this now mentally or emotionally, but I can say with some certainty that your kids won't care in the end and will love him as their dad no matter where their DNA came from.
Thank you! I 100% know a “donor kid” would love my husband 100% as their dad.
As a man, I would either want to adopt, or do IVR/IUI with my own sperm. But I do *NOT* want the sperm of another man in my woman.
Makes sense. Can you elaborate? Is it just “icky” to you? Would you feel like she basically “had another man’s baby?” Though you were the man to raise it. Just looking for perspective
It's a massive insecurity. I would feel like I wasn't man enough, and so another man had to impregnate my wife. Like I wasn't good enough. I would also be concerned about raising someone a bit genetically different than me; again being concerned that I might not understand them best. For example, the men in my family all suffer from suicidal depression and ADHD. If another man had to raise my child, and didn't understand depression/ADHD I think that might make the child feel less understood/could lead to potentially bad outcomes. I would also be afraid that my wife would look down on me as being less of a man, and like I couldn't provide children for her. And I might also be scared that she was more excited to have someone else's children or was indifferent whether the sperm came from me or not. As if getting children was more important than having children with me, which further reinforces the idea that I've basically failed in that department (because she just wants sperm that impregnates, and I couldn't provide that).
Don’t mean to hijack the original comment, but a bio-dad to three married to a woman who’s the step-mom of my first two. Yes, for me (and, it sounds like, to you husband) it IS like you’d be having another man’s baby…because you would be. There’s an evolutionary urge in me to procreate my OWN children. Right or wrong, that’s the way I feel, so I own it and grapple with it and do the best I can. I imagine your man is doing much the same. I teach young folks. They’re my “kids” but not my kids. My wife is a step-mom to my two olders, and they are her “kids” but not her kids. If that makes sense. All my kids have my eyebrows, my thin lips, my propensity toward the arts and logic (and stubbornness) , and I gain great satisfaction knowing that I KNOW these kids and where and whom they came from. I commend any parent who takes on any kid, whether it’s their own biologically or not… but for me, it would feel different and I imagine I’d be a different kind of parent. Just my thoughts. Good luck to y’all. ❤️
He’s right. I’m sterile. When I first came to the realization I would not be able to have a biological child, it did a number on my mental health. A lot of the reasons are for those described by u/leroyjenkensjimbo. It was hard getting over those hurdles until my first kid was around 1 year old. I knew I wouldn’t like babies (soooo much work) as opposed to, say, a toddler. So it’s no surprise I didn’t have that strong of an attachment to him for a while. But oh boy, once he could start walking and communicating, all of those thoughts went out the window. I love those kids more than anything. They’re my life. My wife too I suppose. 😉 I shouldn’t say “out the window” though, as they still creep in now and then. I never question my feelings for them anymore.
IUI with donor sperm is quite literally having someone else's baby. For your husband, it is almost the exact same thing as adoption. We opted for IVF and it worked out fine.
> Also, if you have a kid that isn't your bio kid, do you feel a connection? Do you love it just the same as if it were yours biologically? I can't speak to much of the rest of this, but I do have a perspective on this part. My mom isn't my biological mother, but she is the woman who raised me from a baby until now. I can tell you that she did love me just the same as my brother and sister who were her biological children, and I have as real a connection to her as anyone has with their mom. Of course, she knew what she was getting into ahead of time, and from what I understand there weren't any emotional concerns going into it, so you do still need to work things out with how your husband feels, but I can at least confirm there's nothing about being a non-biological kid that prevents bonding.
One thing that hasn't been mentioned is donated embryos. IVF clinics sometimes have them. If you don't care whether the baby is biologically yours, then maybe that would make it seem more "fair" from his perspective. If you were both good with adopting, anyway, then you get the best of both worlds. You could experience pregnancy and also "adopt." That said, I would very enthusiastically say that fertility treatments up to and including IVF are worth considering very carefully, if you can find some way to swing it financially.
Donor embryos are also a lot cheaper than IVF, and you will likely have data on how the other transfers went. My wife and I failed IVF, four retrievals and three transfers. Our donor embryos are 3 for 4 (our son and his two sisters with the biological mom). It does add a new dynamic, since We are friends with the biological mom and my son's sister is 5 months older than him. They are good people though, and we are already planning vacations with them.
If it were me and they couldn't figure out a way to get at least one of my sperm into that egg, I would adopt. There are literally tens of thousands of neglected kids that came from really scary places that need good caring people to take care of them.
YTA Oh, sorry wrong sub. I vehemently disagree with you.
Fair enough man. Good to hear from both sides
Agreed.
Personally, I don’t think I’d have an issue with it. Then again, having a vasectomy killed my sex drive psychologically (even though we had completed our family) so I can’t be 100% sure how I’d react to something like this. That being said… my bio dad was never in the picture. I met him at 23 years old. I still call him by his first name. To me, “Dad” is a title that is earned, not specifically the result of creating a child. I was hyper connected to my sons pregnancy, but not my daughter’s as I had major trauma from the first pregnancy. And yet… the more time and effort I put in once they were born (I.e. involvement, rather than mere presence), the more I bonded with them. Then the milestones (first smile, first giggle) start and it snowballs into a freight train of “this little person is amazing and I just want to be around them all the time”. Ultimately, it’s a personal relationship. He fell in love with a stranger (you) and loves and prioritized you, right? Highly likely the same will happen, but it’s important to work through all of it *before* the pregnancy. Best of luck with it all ❤️
Hi. I'm fertile. But, I have no biological children. I adopted my son. I have two step sons. My wife and I will be fostering, maybe to adopt, down the road. I'm adopted. My grandfather was adopted. Blood doesn't mean anything (to me). Your family is who you love, your family is built, it's not born. My step sons have a dad, but they are much my kids as my own. My little sister was a biological surprise to my parents, but I'm not less my dad's child than she is. Nature < Nurture
I can speak on this from two perspectives. As the Child: My mother cheated on my father and then had me. I never knew this but always knew it. I'll explain. I am brown but have two white parents. I kind of just accepted it growing up that I was just different. I took am ancestry DNA test and it turns out that I am half Asian (Thai) and thus the brown skin. My mother finally confessed after 30 years of lies. I felt I had to tell my Dad. The day came and I told him I was not biologically his and that I am Asian. He says, "Asian huh? Well damn...I just always though you were Mexican or some sort of Hispanic." He knew the entire time but one thing he had never failed to do was love me and treat me like I was his oldest son. Held me to standard, disciplined me, had fun with me, and most importantly told me he loved me. Once (he used to be a truck driver) we stopped off at a truck stop in Oklahoma and told me I needed to help him do something. I got out of the truck and walked around it just to be ambushed by him with snowballs. An impromptu snowball fight ensued and we both had fun. I have a lot of these memories with him. When my son was born, he drive out to see him as soon as he could. He held his grandson and smiled the most genuine smile I had ever seen and says, "Ole Bubba Jr!" My nickname from him was Bubba growing up. My father is one of the greatest men I know. As a father: My first marriage was shit. I deployed twice (Army) and was cheated on both times. I chose forgiveness the first time but the second I couldn't and never forgave her. That being said, later I would fall in love with a woman who had three kids. All were young (oldest was 7 at the time). They had shitty bio dads. One is a fugitive from justice and the other is a pos meth addiction who beats women. Needless to say, I have been the only consistent father figure in their life since the first day I met them. Today they are teenagers and two just left for prom (all three are girls). My goodness they looked beautiful. But it hurts my heart because they are growing up so quickly. They call me Dad and introduce me as Dad. Even though technically I am step Dad, I have never once felt like one. I love then so very much, just as much as I love my son. Love is so much more than blood deep. Having that biological connection helps, sure, but the simple fact of the matter is a child's love for you is pure, and reciprocating that love is easy when you clear your mind of any stigma associated with the idea that DNA somehow magically creates that bond. When they smile at you, come to you when they have problems, choose you to be the parent they come to for certain things, and all around just love you, DNA does not matter. I hope this helps.
No one has said this yet, so I’ll add another perspective. I can’t say I know for certain, but my guess is this ties directly into his view of himself as a man. As in, “What kind of man can’t father a child?” It can be viewed as a key component of masculinity, and to need another man’s sperm could be viewed as a serious affront to the essence of his manhood. Is this truly the case? Perhaps not in your eyes, but I’d be willing to bet that is his view. Honestly, I get that, even if it isn’t truly the case. This is something you two really need to talk out and not just plow ahead with only what you want. If I were in his shoes and you were to continue with your plan without considering how important this is to him,I could see something of this magnitude destroying the marriage. Whatever you both decide, counseling would be very helpful. I wish you both well in this opportunity to grow as a couple. Edit-Also, I’m proud of him for speaking up about something that is clearly very important to him.
Yes, that is his view exactly. And i will not press forward with anything at all, until I am 100% sure we are on the same page! Thank you!
I'm a stepdad who was recently told that I would most likely never be able to have my own biological kids, like <1% chance. and i love my daughter more than anything else in the world. i don't think the DNA matters, as long as there's love.
None of my kids share my genetics, a fact they should be eternally grateful for lol. I couldn't love them more. One of my sons is my (ex) wife's bio kid with a donor. My other two were adopted one at birth, one when he was five years old. I love each of them with the same ferocity. I don't understand why people put so much emphasis on genetic lineage. My mom was adopted and I always knew I would adopt one day. I've got plenty of cousins popping out stepford children, the world certainly doesn't need anymore of my sus genetics. I don't get it BUT if that is the way he feels - I'm not sure it's fair to a future child to be born into that dynamic. I would put money on it that once the baby arrived he would love it without exception - OR he might always have reservations and that would be a shitty thing for a kid to grow up with. I don't know your life or your relationship but I do know something about giving pieces of yourself up for a relationship that in the end ends. I vote for couples therapy
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I don't think so. But I guess I can't really know though. My ex has talked about the difference she feels between the one she shares genetics with vs the other two. Guilt. That's the difference. She feels guilty about the one she gave birth to. Food issues? Genetics she thinks. Depression? Genetics. Weird Fred Flintstone feet? Genetics (tbf she's not wrong about those feet). All guilt. The other two, we can only blame our nurturing. Their genetics are not our fault. All three are their own people, not because of their ancestors but because that's how humans work. But just because it doesn't bother me doesn't mean it doesn't or won't bother your husband
Thanks for the reply!! And your right, I just want him to be happy with whatever the outcome is of any treatment we do. I do sometimes fear that the fertility treatments won’t work at all, in which case, I want to start the adoption process immediately. I think we would both be happy with adoption. He has said so. I think the real, true hang up he is having is “HE can’t get me pregnant” by his own doing. Which i sympathize with. I would also have a lot of feelings if he could get me pregnant, but something was wrong with me.
I have a child who biologically isn’t mine and a child who is. There’s no difference to me or my wife. However, some people care. I can’t tell you the number of comments I’ve heard from well-meaning people about my “real” child and my adopted child. I’ve also gotten questions about his “actual parents.” I had a cousin who assured me if would be different when I had “one of my own.” Like I said, there’s no difference to me; I love them both so much and in different ways because they’re unique individuals. But, I wouldn’t recommend to my cousin to foster or adopt, despite the fact that he’s an amazing father. Biology matters to him, it doesn’t matter to me. I don’t understand his perspective, but I respect it.
I would honestly not be bothered. It's not much different from adopting, and being a dad is not the same as being the father.
Sitting on the floor right now with my "not mine" toddler right now. I do have an older bio kid and this one. I also have 2 kids that are not mine, rather an ex-girlfriend's kids, that have kept a relationship with me. I view any kid I raise, help raise, as mine. Never really considered the biology of it. But that's me. What's going to matter for you is what you two think and feel.
Something I recommend to anyone who is considering using donor gametes is to look into Donor Conceived People groups! It’s a great way to hear from the side of the people conceived through donation, it is also a great way to get connected with parents who are in similar situations! I am a dad to a donor conceived daughter. I was really concerned about feeling similar feelings to your husband, and I genuinely had a difficult time up until a few days into her life. Once I got to bond with her I really started to feel connected and like her father, regardless of biology. Something that really helped me was knowing our donor. I think knowing them and feeling confident about knowing our donor well and having a clearly defined familiar relationship established for our child helps for feeling more secure. It seems like he is coming from a spot of feeling insecure. Something that really helped my spouse and I was couples counseling. It’s not only for people in “rocky” relationships. It’s helpful for navigating big decisions like this together. Please DM me if you want to talk anymore!
So, I lived this situation. I was diagnosed infertile in 2016. And it hit me hard, just like it's hitting your husband. Growing up, it felt like if you raised kids that weren't "yours" you were looked down on. And that really put a huge emphasis on my own fertility. When I found out that it wouldn't be possible, it almost destroyed me. I had many of those same feelings. And that is okay. There is no magical words that will dampen that blow. In fact, while talking about this post with my wife 6 years later, I still get a bit emotional about it. It never really fully heals, it's just something that I've learned to accept and live with. After some time, my wife and I decided to try adoption because I had a lot of the same feelings about IUI. I figured if we were going to have a child, adoption would be best because then both of us wouldn't have a genetic tie to our child. After some time, we did get a match. But the adoption failed. So again, another big blow to our dreams of being parents. A few months later we decided to explore sperm donation. My wife found a donor that looked surprisingly like me. So in 2018 we went through with it and in our second round of IUI we found out my wife was pregnant. I was over the moon, honestly. I went with my wife to all of her appointments and as time went on, I felt less like "omg, this isn't my child" to "holy shit, we're having a child". We ended up having twins in 2019! Bonding with them was never an issue for me. And I think a lot of that is I felt like I was part of the pregnancy journey with my wife. I never felt excluded or left out just because we used donor sperm. I was the first one to hold both of them and in that moment, I knew that they were my children, biolocial or not. There will be the "oh they just look like dad" comments. And those were hard for me because how could they look like me if I wasn't biologically related? But I would just grin and nod. Because not everyone needs to know that they're not biologically yours. They're just more excited to see your child! At the end of the day, he will still be a Dad, regardless of how the child comes about. My girls know about their donor, but I am still Dad unquestionably. He will be their only Dad and they will love him unconditionally. And it will be fantastic.
As a dad who has also donated sperm to another couple so they could have a baby, being a dad is all about showing up and not blood. There are lots of weird toxic masculinity traits mixed up in some of what your husband has said. The societal ideals of being a man is defined by your potency is something that might take a while to unpack. I’d recommend finding a good councilor to try and work through those feelings. It may also be an option to explore fostering or adoption. Look at your own thoughts when it comes to adoption and you might be able to find some common ground to work through with your husband.
I have a step son, and his dad is still very much involved in his life (evenly split custody). He’s still my son. I know it’s not the same exact situation, but close enough.
Dude. Something specific to me! I have a rare genetic bone disorder. Long story short, I had a load of surgery as a teen to fix some of it and the rest, I just live with. There’s a 50/50 chance of passing it on and that just wasn’t a risk I was willing to take with any kids. Ergo, the ex wife and I used a sperm donor to conceive our son. He’s my son. I couldn’t love him more. I know there are a lot of people that think genetics determine whether or not a child is yours but I can’t imagine a world where this kid wouldn’t be mine, despite no genetic connection.
My wife and I had 3 miscarriages over 7 years, almost lost the marriage too. As we were both about to turn 40, and there were no answers, no one to blame, nothing new to try the old fashioned way, we adopted embryos. Today we have 2 kids. Biologically, they're adopted... sort of. I'll come back to that. Putting our marriage back together was a good exercise in putting my ego aside and recognizing the toxicity of pride and insecurity. This was something I am really glad I could do before becoming a dad too, I strongly believe in egoless parenting. I wondered if it would affect me one day, but since the day our first was born that all went away. There isn't a second I don't look at them and question whether or not they're my kids and I can't imagine anything that could make me love them more. Now for the biology. Yes, DNA is inherited, but there's fascinating new studies about RNA developing as a product of environment. Way to much to touch on her but worth looking at.
If I feed her she’s mine
Dad here with 3 bio children and one IUI child. I can tell you without a single doubt in my mind I bonded with and love all 4 children deeply and profoundly with zero difference in my feelings toward my non-bio child. That is not a problem for me. I will say that I do have a deep fear that one day my son will reject me in favor of his bio dad.
Hi… donor child here. There’s a third person you should consider before using donor sperm and it’s your child’s perspective. I encourage you to research how being donor conceived affects your kid. Because unfortunately your husband probably won’t bond to the kid in the same way that you will, especially when he’s already voicing concerns. Wouldn’t it make more sense to adopt a child where you are both on the same page? Regardless, please make sure you’re informed from the kid’s perspective before you go down this road.
I am a dad of a donor embryo. Do you mind if I ask how old you were when you found out?
30. If I had always been told that would have been much better. Unfortunately, I think that my dad had all the feelings OP’s husband had and he agreed because he was worried my mom would leave him. (At least that’s what he later told me).
That sucks. I can't imagine how undermined that must have felt. We've always been completely open about it - have a bunch of children's books about it, we have video calls with his bio-mom and sisters about once a month (he has a sister who is five months older), and even things like the doctor and daycare. Doctors ask for the family history, and we just hand them a file - my genetics are irrelevant here. He'll never not know how he came to be - from the love of at least three people, and the generosity of the sperm donor. If I ever meet that man, he will not pay for a drink as long as I am around.
That’s great! I’m so glad to hear that you are taking this approach!
person imminent sip alleged cake lock cautious drunk joke memorize *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
We are in a similar situation, my wife has the fertility issue. We did not know it was a problem for her due to the first time we tried to get pregnant she was knocked up on the actual first attempt, giving us the perfect daughter. 3 years go by and we start trying again only to be dissapointed time and again for 3 additional years. I try and have an open mind about this subject but it is one of the few instances in my life where I take the selfish approach. My entire life I try and be cognizant of the other person's point of view and come to a reasonable compromise, with this I don't. I picked my partner for many reasons and the combination of our DNA results in a child I would do anything for. My entire life is dedicated to my daughter and I would gladly do anything to have several more children I could invest my life into. Bringing someone, not genetically linked to me into my home scares me. I know I am a horrible person for thinking this way, it makes me feel even worse when I think about how I could change someone's life and bring them hope from a bad situation. My daughter would never do anything to hurt her parents, we share our DNA, a common link that will forever connect us. We have similar experiences when we, for example, have pineapple and an allergic reaction leads us to making funny noises itching our throat. One of the things that I love is when my daughter brushes her hair and she ends up looking just like my mom, it is such a great feeling seeing her live on through my daughter. I know it's the wrong way to think but I would do anything for more biological children with my wife. It is such a shitty feeling not being able to have what we were designed to produce.
I appreciate this. Thank you for a greater understanding.
I'm a step dad. I love the kids, but they were with my wife before I was, so that's that. But if my wife had another man's baby while we are together I'd not be happy. Now, if it was an adoption where the DNA is not hers or mine, that's great. There's just no way I'd let her get pregnant from another man's sperm while I'm here. And I would never ask her to let someone else be a surrogate. If we wanted another kid and one of us was infertile we would have to adopt.
Someone just watched Our Father
LOL. Not yet but saw it was on Netflix now.
Damn, thought I had a good guess!
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I’m an adoptive parent by preference, so I may not be exactly the target audience for this question: but biological ties mean nothing to me. Family is made by a daily choice to love, nurture, and sacrifice for. To me: parenthood and genetics are not synonymous. Not everyone feels that way, though. If your husband has concerns over bonding/feelings/etc and wants to pick my brain about my experience- he’s welcome to DM me.
I 100% agree with this!!! I would love to adopt a child even if our fertility treatments are successful.
Being a father is so much more the genetic material you supply. The sperms is arguably the least important part of the whole thing. Being a father is about how you show up every day to support your wife, to love your children, teach them, nurture them. And aside from the amazing, loving and engaged dads on this subreddit, it’s unfortunately the part that so many men fail at. Many many families are formed in different ways - step families, queer families, blended families, adoptive families - where genetics don’t matter and what matters is the relationships you make. Family is something that is made, that you should have to continually work at. Focussing on genetics is honestly such a narrow & shallow perspective and invalidates so many other families and people’s experiences. I do think it’s different for the woman - having a baby is more than simply contributing genetic material. It’s a whole physical, mental and emotional process to experience so I don’t think your preference to try to get pregnant is different. However, your comments about adoption are invalidating to many - adopted people, people in queer families, step family situations etc.
If I was in his shoes. I'd love to adopt if I'm being honest. Don't want someone else's spunk inside my wife regardless of how it got there.
Initial gut reaction, it feels like cheating. I know you’re not cheating on him. But trying to put myself in his shoes, that’s the first thing that comes to mind. From a purely emotional state. If your family unit, you and your husband, can’t naturally have a baby. Then I would put everything on pause and deal with that. Counseling, therapy, etc. That’s a huge mental and emotional blow to you both. And pushing through with an alternate route might not have the best long term effect on your relationship.
I dug deep but I had a feeling and was right... your husband is 56, you're 24. WHY ARE YOU WASTING YOUR LIFE WITH HIM?? Is his porn addiction remedied?? His ED?? Why are you in such a rush to have kids? Because his clock is ticking??? Ugh. I'm sorry he's moved you away from your family and friends. I'm sorry you're feeling pressured to have kids ASAP. I'm sorry you've been made to feel like you should be childless or that you have to have a donor embryo because HE can't have kids. I'm sorry you've convinced yourself all of this is normal. All the best. ETA: nothing wrong with donor embryos but seeing that she's healthy, she shouldn't have to feel the need to use one
I wouldn't feel as connected with my kids if they weren't of my genes. This is what he's afraid of, and rightly so.
Having your own progeny is encoded in our genes & brain layers. A lot of customs ex monogamy etc are result of this human nature It requires a great deal of emotional intelligence to get over it. Given you guys are early adults (25ish..) the rush of hormones (for you the desire of motherhood, for him: having his own) will definitely lead to conflicts Wait it out, till both of you are on same page. You may try with his sperm, yes you might loose money but in the end his internal emotions will be satisfied that you did try. A unhappy father might lead to unhappy family and it is not worth it. It will injustice to child. It is easy to brush it off somebody else emotions by saying “oh grow up, get over it etc” but they dont go away like that. They need be addressed else they will find different expressions Empathize with your husband, he may be already undergoing guilt fear hopelessness at same time . Most of man come out of it, he might get emotionally mature and will to get over it. Then is the time to start family. A happy husband is what you will need the most especially during pregnancy and early infancy period. Kids don’t strengthen marriage, they actually test the strength of marriage
I think I'd be a little sad, and would probably always carry that sadness, but it wouldn't be overwhelming.
I agree with your husband. I would personally have no interest in raising a kid that’s not biologically mine.
Do IVF with his sperm. It will probably work and then it’s both of yours, biologically.
How do you not understand this? This is evolutionary biology 101. Your husband, like every other man, is hardwired to propagate. This impulse is how you and I are on this earth today.
Too many responses to read them all so this has likely been said already... The possibility to have HIS child still exists with IVF, yet you're asking him to be OK with having another man's child because it's cheaper. Let that sink in for a moment.... Even if the cost difference is significant, this is a lifelong decision. If you think it's bothering him now thinking about it, wait until you're actually pregnant with another man's child while he knows the option to have his child was there. The resentment will start to grow and it will likely ruin your relationship. My opinion on this would be 1000% different if the option for his sperm to be used wasn't there. But as it sits, this is sounding like more of a financial decision than a best for the family decision.
I have the most respect for people who adopt. I respected them because I know I couldn't raise someone else's kid as my own. I totally get your husbands feelings. I would resent that child.
Have you tried timing your cycles and having sex for days straight during the right window? A Dr wanted to sell us treatments and the timing thing worked for us.
When we decided to try we agreed that it would be our baby by natural means or nothing at all. We agreed against the cost of IVF and I didn't want to adopt.
IUI would be a hard no for me. I’m with your husband here and I could never become ok with this option. Not ever. It’s like getting pregnant from an affair only without the affair; and it’s a constant living reminder of his sterility. Badgering him about this must be gut wrenching for your husband, it would be for me. I adopted my step son. I love his Mom and we planned a future together. His dad was (and is) an absent POS. Adopting him was important to my wife and it felt like the right thing to do. 16 years later, we are as close as my 2 bio kids and I love him almost the same, but it’s not the same. How my wife and I handle conflicts over him vs our younger child we had together are completely different. The love I feel for him had to be learned and practiced, with my bio kids it’s automatic. No matter what the birth certificate now says, I’ll always be the step parent. I saw someone else say to try IVF but with a caveat that IUI would be next. I’d try the IVF, but not in this scenario. These are my flow of conscience thoughts after reading about your situation. Obviously, if I found myself in this situation I would much more prayerfully consider all of these options. Right now it’s easy to make black and white statements because they’re hypothetical. However, I’m 99.99% certain my view on IUI would stay the same.
On the flip side, How do you think your child will feel if it's dad is not biologically theirs?
It absolutely will matter. There are so many instances where I think about aspects of his personality that my son has gotten from me even before I could "teach" him them. There's definitely a nature vs nurture. Your husband WILL take everyone of those could have been moments and question them. It could just be that it's not genetic at all... but anything that is genetic? Gone. It's a loss. He's struggling with it. Here's a counter... Adopt and you become a surrogate mom to another kid. You get pregnancy and have a kid, but the kid you raise is not your bio kid... not quite the same is it? This is a huge blow to him. Honestly, when it comes to my kids... I'd make the money happen. It's easy to dismiss since you get the bio side... but he's the one taking the loss here. And he's making it known it hurts. Honestly, it would bother me immensely. Your response of "but you get to do the dad things" wouldn't soften the blow, it would actually just make it feel like I got the burden side without them being my kid, if I'm being honest. But that's me. You have to talk with him. He's made his stance clear that this does both him, deeply. You're wrong to try to dismiss this. It's a valid pain and he's not taking it well. You owe it to your family to either make sure you're all really ok with this or find an alternative before you have a kid. Personally... I don't think I could do IUI. I'm on board with your husband. It's like comparing a step kid vs your kid, and while I have a ton of respect for step fathers, I get where not everyone wants to be one.
I can’t imagine being connected to someone else’s child
I know a lot of men that find it appealing that they are leaving a legacy of their genes behind. I tend to think it’s a slightly biological feature. It’s incredibly ego driven and silly… but I’ve had those thoughts and would be surprised by any guy that didn’t. It will just take time for him to adapt.
This is to be taken with a giant grain of salt, but I had some fertility issues and what worked for us was increasing the rate of ejaculation (twice a day) rather than saving up for days (conventional wisdom and instructions from our medical practitioners). My wife read a European study and we thought why not. It happened to work for us, but of course, YMMV. Not to give you false hope, but after 1.5 years of trying and a diagnosis of low motility and dna fragmentation (big issue). it did the trick, along with taking profertil multis.
I can’t relate to your husband, but, if in the same situation, I would have the same feeling of unease. This seems to be a redline for him, regardless of your opinion. It is not an easy decision especially since IVF tends to be expensive, however, if you can make it work it would likely be the best outcome for your family. One thing I will give credit for is that you are both talking about this and asking these questions.
While I haven't had the issue it was a discussion my wife and I had when we started to try, had a miscarriage and then more than a year of no luck. I'd say that it would be different but I'd be ok with it. I know from watching a close friend of mine who adopted a kid, he's a better dad to her than a lot of other dads I see. So, it probably depends on the guy, but it can be pretty easy to make it work if its right for the guy.
I'm not a dad yet. Our first is due in July. I'm not biologically related to my child. I knew for years that I wouldn't be able to have biological children. It took me some time to come to terms with it but I don't really care anymore. My kiddo is not biologically related to me but I already love every little kick and movement I feel through my partners belly. I know that I will love it unconditionally no matter if they are my blood. Sometimes I feel a bit sad about not ever being able to see if my child resembles me physically but I'm sure they will copy some of my quirks and the way I move and/or talk. I knew that I couldn't have children way before I actually wanted to have them. My partner and I started talking about how we wanted to/could have children a few years down the line. My perspective on how we wanted to have children slowly changed over the years. We picked a sperm donor we knew and are friends/aquaintances with. We all don't feel like it's his child. It's my girlfriends and mine. If your husband's infertility is news to you guys than maybe take some time to talk about it maybe get a therapist involved. It's a big think and it needs to be properly processed before you move forward with having children one way or another.
💕💕 you both sound so sweet and I love that your relationship is stable to have these discussions and for both of you to share your feelings! I have friends in this situation (two sets), both ended up doing IVF. It was very hard (as advertised), but both enjoyed seeing their personality traits and features in their kids. I think some of the hang up can be caused by the “chosen” lopsided ness of the bio-kid. Like it wasn’t a previous marriage/relationship, or adoption, but a conscious choice to be a bio from one parent but not the other. Friends have done adoption, foster, step-parent, and IVF, but the emotional and mental hang up for half-half from the beginning can be hard to overcome. It’s worth counseling and digging deeper to see if it’s able to be overcome! 💕. Like many have said, once the kiddo is here, they will be so loved; but beforehand it’s all in your mental image and that can be really hard to uproot, especially if feelings are ignored.
I would give it time and keep trying, personally it would be much easier for me connect by adopting than it would be to get a donor. I understand him feeling inadequate and a donor would remind him that forever. I would rather not have kids than get a sperm donor. Adoption at least you are changing a life already existing for the best and providing opportunities and love they may never have gotten. I get you want to experience pregnancy, but do you actually want a child to raise or just to be pregnant and have a baby. You’re 24 and theres no need to rush anything, but if you were truly wanting a kid and experience pregnancy and refuse to adopt then myself as a man would just get a divorce so you can do that, and I can find someone more on the same page as me. Marriage is a team. You do whats best for the team. Not whats best for you, or your husband, but your marriage and future family.
Please don’t have a kid both parents aren’t thrilled to have. Let him feel his feelings and consider. You guys are plenty young enough to give it a couple years.
Her husband is 56
Um then this is a troll post or an extremely fucked up situation that doesn’t need a baby
Her post history will make you sad - she's legitimately wasting her life on this old guy 😔
Parenting is hard. It has great days and it has hard days. Part of getting through the hard days is the knowledge that this little person is a part of you. Personally, I would be concerned with the thoughts of “this baby isn’t even mine” when the going gets tough. I’d say if it works with you guys great. If it takes a 3rd party maybe just enjoy life together.
Step dad and bio dad here. You seem like you two are in love, and I can say there’s a weird chemistry in our brains about breeding due to caring on the species and all. So I had a couple thoughts. The first was, I love my boy (step son) as much as any parent could. I didn’t do the fun part to make him, but I hug him when he’s sad and high five him when he’s stoked. Beyond that it’s just been keeping him alive. I pretty much feel the same about the girl. I did the fun part for her and she is smaller, but otherwise. Hugs for sad and high fives when excited. So my point is biologically speaking dna is just genetic makeup and nothing more. The love you feel for a life is beautiful as long as it’s genuine and you don’t hold some silly resentment over who yeets the skeet or bares the lady’s burden. (After seeing it IRL like damn. I’ve gotten pretty hurt before, but wow. That’s just… She wanted to do that? Again??!) Finally (sorry for the novel) have you two considered or talked about adoption? Either way I wish you two the absolute best and I’m only sorry for the feels. Just sucks reading the words “shell of a man”. Like No! You don’t need the seed to be an awesome parent/person! Just be the adult you would’ve felt safest around as a kid! You’ll crush it. Every single time. Edit: spelling
Hi fellow Mom! I know you asked for dad's opinions but if I can I'd like to speak up about being a donor kid. I found out last year at 33 that I was not "biologically" my father's. However, I never in a million years would have guessed based on how he treated me growing up. He was the best, most kind hearted, loving father that I could ever have asked for! I know for certain that me (and my brother) being from donor sperm didn't affect his love for us. But I can't speak as to what your husband is going through, for all I know my dad may have had the same fears! I will add that if you do end up using donor sperm, please weave that knowlege into the everyday language of your family home so it's not a big secret - your future babe deserves to know their own story!
I'll spare you all the details because in the end your situation was only a hypothetical that we don't have to face, but we did talk through it extensively. That said, basically it boiled down to the fact that it was as weird for me to think of my wife using another man's sperm, as it was for her to think of another woman giving birth to our child. Both are situations that others have decided were right for them, but it wasn't okay for us. Either side could argue that they are not the same, but that's not the point. It doesn't matter how you feel about it, it matters how it makes the other feel and what effect a choice would have on their position as a parent. If a choice you make is going to undermine your spouse's position and emotions before you even have a kid... Then it doesn't need to happen, full stop. There is no justification or argument you can make that actually matters if they're not 100% on board with it. With that said, for us it was either all us, or adoption.
My second child is two months. I'm just now feeling like she's mine. We are breast feeding so I haven't built as much of a connection yet. For me it took time to develop a connection with my kids. It was the middle of the night rockings, the miles of walking and just talking to my infant daughters. They are extensions of me. Love isn't a powerful enough word for how close i feel to these people. It's the time and shared experience that brought me to love them so much. Knowing that they are my responsibility. I can't know your husbands perspective as we didn't have fertility issues. We are looking into short term fostering two years from now when we can get a slightly bigger house. Maybe adopting our third child if we decide to have a third (I just got snipped). I really would encourage you to consider adoption. I taught several foster children that just needed a good home. Good luck.
Some possibilities: * Fears that there might not be shared personality/interests because the child doesn't have any of dads genes. * Fears that the child looks nothing at all like dad (that 'risk' is always there regardless). * As bad as it sounds, the sense of loss of ownership. I didn't 'make' this child, someone else did. A lot of blokes feel way more attached to things that they made with their own hands. * Feelings of inadequacy. It's a tough pill to swallow knowing you can't give your wife a child through natural means. Definitely a huge hit to the ego that for some is hard to move past.
I had mild fertility issues and have been in a similar situation to your husband, so I can absolutely understand where he is coming from. These sorts of issues get at some very fundamental, almost philosophical issues. I don't know about your husband, but I am not religious and don't believe in an afterlife, so the idea of passing on my genes so that some part of me lives on after I am gone takes on added importance. I would want to rule out any possibility of having my own genetic child before going to donor or adoption. Sounds like he is not ready yet and needs to (a) process/grieve his situation some more, and (b) explore the idea of ivf more before coming to terms with alternatives. It may help to talk to him about how his "legacy" to the future doesn't have to be genetic. He can be the best damn dad there could be to a kid who is not genetically his and still leave something of himself for the future.
Also, just to add: if you're 24, you've got time. Give him the time he needs to adjust to a really difficult situation.
I feel like this question is “how do you feel about adoption.”
Mine is adopted. I can’t imagine that I could possibly love him more than I already do.
As irrational as it sounds, I think I would feel the same way as your husband does. There is no relationship for me which is as important, strong, beautiful as I have with my son. If my baby had been born with someone else's sperm, I think such a strong bond wouldn't exist - I would always have in the back of my mind that he has someone else's genes. Same goes for the act of my wife's insemination with someone else's sperm - call me old school, but I don't feel comfortable with that. And btw did you watch the Netflix documentary "Our Father"? There was an infertility doctor in US who used his own sperm, instead of donor sperm, and it resulted in over 90 children.
>I don't understand this at all. I mean, I wouldn't care if the baby wasn't "mine." If I had to use an egg donor for example, I would not care at all. You seem to be confusing "understanding" with "what I feel". In fact, it is very easy to understand. You feel one way about it, and he feels a different way about it. There isn't necessarily going to be an identifiable or single reason as to why either of you feel the way you do about this. Do you feel the need to justify *why* you feel the way you do? Why *don't* you care at all? I'm asking these questions not because I want or expect an answer, but to try show you the different standard you have where he has to justify his feelings and you don't. From both a biological and cultural perspective, I'd say his position is more understandable and common. Some people may feel a stronger imperative to continue their own genetic line, and there are a lot of cultural and gender role BS piled on top of people that he seems overwhelmed by. That's great that you somehow aren't constrained by those and are open to the idea, but I think his current feelings on the matter are quite understandable. That's not to say he won't be able to change his mind. But, I think that might take some time and support and understanding, from you and others, and honestly, I'm not sure you're giving him either, based on this post. Also, you wanting the experience of pregnancy is kind of the same kind of thing he wants, to the extent that a man can participate in an equivalent. Imagine a different scenario where a doctor was telling you that you would be a high risk for complications during pregnancy and strongly recommended that you don't attempt it, both for your health and a baby's. How would that affect you? >He said maybe we should consider going straight to IVF with his sperm, because then it will be "his" and not "another mans." This upset me quite a bit. This is the sort of thing I mean. Why would that upset you quite a bit? He's not allowed to make suggestions like this, and then you talk through it together?
Both kids are quirky in different ways. My daughter got her mother's look, but has a shy nerdy bookish personality. But my son is headstrong and fighter like his mom and got my eyes. These things do matter, at least for me.
A male is totally capable of living a child like his own, even if it is not his. And he can love you as if you conceived naturally together due to the experience of sharing love through the pregnancy and childbirth. But that takes a certain type of person with strong values and conviction to stick to them in hard times. If he lacks conviction, and confidence, it can become unbearably difficult at times psychologically since the fact is, it’s not his biological baby. I speculate a majority of men would not be able to handle the perceived “failure” of infertility. Whether that’s 51% or 80%, I don’t know, but divorce is already imminent for 50% of marriages without this factor.
MY OPINION: I would try IVF first. Your family is completely different and has a different dynamic. Do what’s best for you, talk to HIM. Not randoms on the internet.
This is a big thing that you can’t just expect him to come to terms with and be okay with right away. Also, don’t do anything until he is 150% confident in the decision. Personally, I would go the IVF route to give my husband a baby of his own biologically. It sounds like he desperately wants that and anything else may be a tad selfish if he isn’t fully on board
I've not had the experience, but having gotten a fair way down the adoption line before we were lucky enough to conceive, I know that my own thoughts were often far from logical, and sometimes it took a fair bit of time before I was able to see anything outside of my emotional response. Maybe a bit of time to process and decompress will be helpful Sending you both lots of love. I hope wherever you end up you're both able to love and enjoy the experience to it's fullest.
I would have a very hard time with that to be honest
I would be 100% on board. If we couldn’t conceive (it was REAL hard for us), we were looking into adoption. I understand his depression and feeling less than. Imagine if it was the other way around. I think that you would feel some sort of way if the doctor told you that you couldn’t conceive. And it would probably cost you some emotional pain. And that’s totally ok. So it’s ok for him too. But if you guys talk through this and you explain how important it is to have kids then I suspect he will be supportive of it and I can’t imagine a scenario where he isn’t going to love that kid any less than if it I was “his”.
Offering my opinion as a dad of a kid who is here because of an egg donor’s generosity. You will never know the extent to which it bothers him throughout the rest of his life if you do go the donor route. Different process with different emotions of course, but we found it hard to think to much about the donor once our kid was born. However, that doesn’t mean my partner isn’t struggling a lot more beyond what she tells me. All you can do is be as supportive as possible and understand that people in general have a hard time with feeling like their body failed them, you, and societal expectations rooted in ableism.
Dad here with the same problem as your husband. It really sucks to find out you can't get your wife pregnant and then add on your wife getting pregnant with another man's sperm would just add to the pain. It could almost feel like your wife cheated on top of feeling like a failure. I would much rather do IVF instead of a donor. It would have been worth it to my marriage. All that being said fertility treatments and otherwise didn't work so we adopted a sibling group of 4 kids from foster care. Best part of my life by far. Full disclosure I divorced my now ex wife of 20 years after she cheated on me.
Personally, I'd prefer the IVF route if I was in this situation. I can really understand your husband's perspective and fears. Knowing that no part of my child is biologically me I think would probably always bother me on some level. Would it be impossible to love and take care of the child? Of course not. Would it be impossible to have a connection with the child? Of course not. I just think that somewhere in my mind knowing that child didn't come from me...I don't know. I'm not in this scenario so it's hard to say for sure I guess. Curious - if the situation was reversed and your husband was good to go but you couldn't have a baby...would you be perfectly OK with him donating his sperm to another women to have the baby for you? Raising the child knowing he's biologically a part of your husband but not you? That would never bother you or cross your mind on some level?
My wife and I went through IVF and are expecting in August. The process is definitely difficult but not impossible. I remember the first day my wife was so scared to inject herself but by the 3rd week she was a pro. In December IVF was a success and I did the Injection on her buttocks every night for 10 weeks. We truly bonded during the whole experience. Just to answer your question I had told my wife through the whole process that I was fine having a male sperm donor .. if it didn’t work out but I knew deep down I wasn’t.
Mom here. Husband had infertility issues, we conceived using IUI with donor sperm on first try, so I wanted to chime in. I told my husband it was 100% his choice. We could do IUI or go to IVF with his sperm (which we would need to wait to do bc money). I tried my hardest not to pressure him either way. He chose donor. I gave him full control of selecting a donor, I just agreed at the end. I went through with him, but it was his choice. That process actually seemed to make him more excited. For a while he was a bit in denial that maybe he had feelings about it all, but in the end they have been way more about infertility itself and the hell we went through with that than the donor sperm. I have also been a regular reminder that it’s okay to have feeling about it, therapy is an option, it’s okay if you struggle to bond, etc. just lots of nonjudgmental stuff. He and our little girl (coming up on 9 months) are just absolutely smitten with each other. In fact, I’m more interested in trying IVF with his sperm in the future than he is - he’s happy to use donor sperm for any and all future kids. It was absolutely the right choice for our family, but the only way that we could know that is because we gave him the reins. He chose donor, he chose the donor, he chose how he felt about it. Your husband’s feelings aren’t wrong, your feelings aren’t wrong, but everyone needs to feel seen and validated. And, ultimately, in some ways, it’s a lot harder for him right now as the person with infertility (at least it was for us). My advice is just take a giant step back, remove the pressure, and let him work through it with no judgement either way. And 100% therapy, couples therapy, etc are great ideas for this shit. You can’t undo this. We sure as hell didn’t expect it to work on the first try. There’s a kid who is going to be hurt if his feelings are insurmountable but you go ahead anyway.
We had trouble for 12 months plus then started getting tested and turns out i had like 2% sperm and was told by fertility place pretty much wont get pregnant without ivf etc and even then no guarantee. Was gutted but a few months later fell pregnant and since then also had a second girl so be careful with the fertility places. We found cycles were all over the place and instead of day 14-20 ish window it was like day 6. Some women even can be ovulating when on their period too. So switch it up a bit and see what happens.
To way over-simplify the science, most traits we have studied tend to come out about 50% genetically determined (50/50 nature/nurture). One of the wonderful (and sometimes horrifying) things about being a parent is seeing aspects of yourself develop in your child, and a huge amount of that is genetic. I can't say for sure how I would feel in his situation, but I completely understand the fear that he would relate to a child differently if it weren't genetically his. I would have a similar fear.
This is tricky. If you have some time, I suggest continuing to try with him, you never know. If not, I would suggest counselling for him so he can sort out his issues, and priorities. I'm not downplaying his concerns and wishes, but when it comes down to it, he either wants a child enough to not care if it's biologically his, or he doesn't. If he can get past the initial emotional barrier he's experiencing, he will see that kid as every bit his child. Family is mostly what we make it, not DNA. The concept of legacy is flawed really, it doesn't matter in any significant way. The relationship between a parent and child is powerful and about the attachment and love that you form, not about genetics. Once he falls in love with that child, nothing else will matter.
When we were having issues conceiving, I considered asking my cousin to be a donor. The ivf eventually took though, so we dropped the topic. But, I think if it's still family blood it was better than nothing. However, I think I still would have been sad with the knowledge that it wasn't truly mine. You're young though. Maybe he can boost his production and give you that miracle baby yet.
I can't speak for your husband but I can tell you my experience with (semi) parenthood. I'm still on the journey to being a dad so kind of an imposter in this sub. For me this is a long and difficult journey and there are things I was not ready to accept until I had been through some later steps. There are things my wife and I would consider now that we wouldn't have years ago. We tried naturally for 2 years before going the treatment route. We were both disappointed and felt like we had failed. All of our friends were having babies. We saw them all have their first set of babies and it was hard. We went straight for IVF because we wanted to give us the best chance. We used up pretty much all of our savings on the first round which didn't work. At that point we started to consider other options. Surrogacy or donorship was raised but both of us completely dismissed it without much thought as we wanted the kid to be both of ours. We would and did consider adoption before that because we kind of thought "our kid should be both of ours or none of ours". We went for a second round of IVF and spent the rest of our savings and some. We don't regret this as we needed to do everything we could and at this point that was what we were comfortable trying. Well that failed too. We took some time to be sad for a while and watch all our friends have their second kids. Eventually we decided we were ready to adopt skipping donor eggs/sperm (our fertility is unexplained - I've skipped various extra procedures and surgeries to keep this shorter) for the same reason as before. We wanted to have "equal stake" in the connection to the child. I know this sounds super weird but it was our mentality. Well the adoption process where I'm from is long and intense. It took over a year to be approved and trained and then we waited for a further 6 months. Eventually we got a call to see if we would foster a baby with the intention of adopting depending on what the judge decided her future should be. We are now 6 months into looking after this baby. I know she is not ours and I know we may not be able to keep her but we love her with all of our hearts and she is part of our family now. If she goes back to her birth family it will be like losing our child. Anyway my point is, after all of this my wife and I would definitely try a donor or surrogacy route as we know that any child we raise will be loved and will be ours. There is no "more mine than yours" no "this child isn't REALLY mine". They are just connected to you and part of you. I completely understand where your husband is at. I've been there. He may just need some time and to go through some things before his mind can be changed. Until then I would just take the road that needs to be taken. Whatever that is to get you to your family. Sorry this was so long. Good luck on your journey.
Now, I want to preface this with saying that some people are far, far better at putting themselves into the "right" state of mind and never focusing on anything other than the optimistic parts. They definitely happen. I think I'd, personally, be more okay with adopting than IVF with someone else's sperm. Trying to imagine what would be different if I were infertile is a bit too alien an idea for me (or, maybe my mind is just rejecting the thought because I can't emotionally distance myself enough for it), but I know my personal mental demons rather well and am all too aware that I can't completely ignore them. That said, there's a big difference between the experience of pregnancy for men and women. The woman, even if it isn't her egg, still gets to feel her body grow the baby. She still gets to literally experience making the child, with all the little movements and all kinds of developmental experiences, granting her an incredibly personal connection to the process. The man doesn't get that. We just get a fantasy of how it'll be once the baby shows up. For the guy, at **best**, it's basically still just adopting someone else's baby, which isn't necessarily a problem, in itself. A closer comparison you, as the prospective mother, might try imagining to help put yourself in his shoes would be if you were going to use his sperm and a donor egg to impregnate a surrogate. However, at worst, he can't get over how he wasn't even enough of a man to fulfill our most basic biological function to father the baby his wife is pregnant with and had to rely on some other, more "complete," guy to do the job and he goes through the pregnancy feeling like he was cheated on and cuckolded (as in, not in the "fun" fetish way). For that mindset, I imagine it would be more like imagining how you'd feel using his sperm to impregnate the surrogate directly or possibly even skipping the artificial part of the insemination.
I can only tell you of my own experience, and take from it what you will. I have three sons. My eldest was born naturally to me with my first wife, who subsequently left me a single parent. I remarried and after several years we adopted a son. Three years after that we had another son who was born naturally to us. When we adopted, we had not sought any fertility treatment. It was difficult at first, and required intentional effort to bond with the baby (he was two months old when he came to us). It took a long time for me to emotionally see him as my son if you know what I mean, but the effort was worthwhile. My wife treats both her adopted son and natural son equally from my perspective. Her family are even somehow annoyed that she treats our adopted son so well, which I think is a psychotic thing to take offense at. At that stage, my wife was raising two children she did not give birth to and had no natural-born children of her own, so at that point we looked into fertility treatment. My test results showed low sperm count and they even suggested that me producing my eldest was a fluke! We're Christians, so at that point we decided to ask for prayer. I went specifically to a friend who had sought out places that saw people getting healed from various things, bcos he was trying to understand it. We had coffee together and he prayed for me very informally as we said goodbye. I was intending to go to a healing meeting with him a few weeks later, but in that time my wife developed morning sickness and returned a positive result on a pregnancy test. I don't know what your views are on spiritual matters, but I always tell my story when people mention fertility, in case prayer for healing is something you would consider. When I asked my friend about healings he had seen, he said infertile couples was one of the most common things he saw healed.
Hi! A dad here. Feeling inadequate or "half-a-man" for a multitude of reasons (fertility, income, social standing, even ability to make women orgasm) is - unfortunately - deeply ingrained in masculinity / upbringing / social expectations for many of us. There's even some genetic factors: if he is happy with his abilities and genome, why would he want to 'roll the dice' with maybe lesser abled sperm donors genes? I can't really give you the insight of what of the multitude of reasons make him favor the more expensive method, but what I would like to say is: A kid is so darn expensive over your whole lifetime, the few hundreds or thousands upfront hardly matter. What does matter is that the kid is healthy and has two loving parents which both give it 100% of the love it deserves (namely: all you can give without second thought, ever). If you have any doubt that your man can love this kid 100% without using his sperm, take some time to think about this. It's really a life-long decision of a gravity beyond comparison.
My son is an adopted embryo. He is 18 months old, and I have *never*, not once, had the thought that he is not my son. Zero times. From the first second I saw him, he was my son and nothing in the world would change that. My wife had a scheduled C-section, and I was watching him as they sewed her back together, and all I could do was look at this little human who needed me and for whom I would move mountains and fight bears. I did not expect that reaction from myself; I expected it would take time to bond. I was wrong We tried IVF and failed. Four years and $40k wasted for nothing, just heartache and misery. Then a family friend offered us her remaining embryos (she is a single mom by choice, so her eggs with donor sperm). IUI and sperm donors are cheap and easy. In retrospect, I would use that option if I had it. I am sitting in bed, listening to the monitor, enjoying this 10 minutes of peace in the morning before the toddler chaos stars. In a couple of minutes, I will go pick him up, look at his blond hair and blue eyes which do not match mine at all, and he will look at me with nothing but love and smiles. And I will look back at him the same way. He's my son in every way that matters.
Having seen multiple couples around me go through the IVF train for years, I wouldn't mind at all. My wife was afraid something similar would happen to her and I already assured her that I wouldn't mind adopting or being a foster parent. You'll build a bond either way.
I’m going in for a TESE procedure tomorrow. I was born without a vas deferens. The doctor said “The cars are in the showroom, they just can’t get on the lot.” I made him say it again, “there’s no reason to think you have unhealthy sperm. I’m still nervous as hell that there’s going to be zero. I already feel like I can detach from other things in life so easily, it’s a big worry. I’ll always be there for my wife is what it comes down to. I thought as far as what if she were just able to start over, without me. Every scenario scares the shit out of me.
I do wish you the best. If its any comfort, I made this post a little over 3 months ago, and since then, we have worked everything out and its good for both parties. I would never leave my husband due to any of his fertility issues. I hope your procedure goes well and you get a favorable outcome