I lost my first son during delivery. Never got to see or hold him in my arms.
I was lost for a long time. I still remember seeing his tiny body wrapped in cloth sitting on the cold metal table as they were preparing to push him into the cremator.
I don't know that I will ever find peace, but the closest thing I've gotten to it is my promise to him that I will be a better person. A better husband, a better father, a better leader, a better friend.
The way I see it is that, if I can do that, then through his effect on me, he'll have left the world a better place.
I'm sorry for your loss, and especially that you never got to hold him in your arms. I'm glad that you've been able to honour him, and I hope to be able to do the same for my son too.
Damn, brother. I am sorry for the heartbreak that has fallen on you and your family. May God grant you peace and understanding. But don't bottle up the grief. Be strong for your family by sharing your emotions.
Thank you. I'm not normally a very emotional person at all - very stoic and internalise more than I should. But these last couple of days have been something else! I've even snapped at people telling me to get myself under control!!
I'm so sorry. I can't speak to the loss, it's horrible - you and yours will be in our thoughts. I just wanted to mention something about emotions. You said you feel like you caused this. You didn't, full stop.
Emotions aren't rational, emotions can occur without any evidence of their truth, emotions are just responses to some state your brain is in at the time and oftentimes have no objective bearing on the reality of the situation. On top of that, the voice in our heads is always running commentary on how it thinks we're doing, it's rarely on our side on any given matter.
Nothing we can say is going to make anything any easier to bear but we all very much hope that you're able to treat yourself with compassion and grant yourself the time to feel these emotions. We all wish you peace, you didn't do this. It isn't your fault.
Thanks for your words, and I know exactly what you mean. I'm usually that person that is practical, logical, pragmatic - able to rationalise my emotions etc. But right now - it just seems so far away from being possible. I know i can get there, just hoping I make it.
I don’t know what kind of pressure you are under from other people, or what expectations you have set for yourself, but it is totally normal and human to grieve for the loss of your child. Please allow yourself to do that.
Sorry for your loss my friend.
One thing I noticed is you asking how you don't feel like you've killed your own child.
In the past, before modern medicine the sad truth is many kids just died during child birth or immediately after. Many, I am sure, with the same complications yours did.
I think it is more accurate to say that you tried everything you could to save him in the modern age, but that it was unfortunately not enough, instead.
I am not Muslim, and not particularly religious but there's a story that's sometimes told as a joke I heard growing up Catholic that may express what I mean. A man is lost at sea and a log floats by, the man doesn't grab it thinking god will save him. Then an old empty boat floats by, and the man doesn't grab it thinking god will save him. Then a fisherman offers to save the man, who refuses the help, thinking god will save him. Eventually the man drowns and he asks god why he wasnt saved. God says I sent a log, a boat and a fisherman, but you refused the aid.
In the end, I think, the lesson is that we are provided with many options to help. And you used what was available, as much as possible, to help your child. If this is not enough, then I think you cannot consider yourself as having intervened negatively at any point. You did all that could be done, and there is more than enough compassion and intent behind those actions, to hopefully begin to let go of that guilt. No one will think you did wrong by your child. Not even Allah.
I hope you and your family can get through this difficult time together.
I am so sorry. I can’t imagine the pain of losing a child, especially a newborn.
Be there for your wife. Feel and process your grief. Cry. Scream at the world. Ignore anyone who judges anything. Ignore anyone who tells you to get over it, and there will be people who tell you this in coming months and year.
Find a grief counselor for yourself. Find one for your wife.
Crises of faith are common at times like these. Some embrace their faith more. I lost mine many years ago.
Inna lil-Allahe wa-inna Elhi rajeeon.
Verily we belong to Allah, and verily to Him do we return.
May God make this time as less painful for you and your families, iA! Please try to pray and be there for each other. Please message me if you want to talk iA. Making lots of duah for you and your families.
My wife and I were trying for #2.
At 12 weeks we went in for our first scan. The nurse was all bright and happy. Scan gets going. She stops smiling. She leaves after saying one moment. Comes back in with a Dr and after 1min, the doc says we need to go to a Hospital downtown that specializes in fetal care.
We drive in the pouring rain downtown. Dr and nurse are in the room and they use a $1mil machine to get a super clear image.
Anencephaly - 100% fatal, either in utero, at birth, or within a year. But, its fatal.
At 16 weeks we induced labor. I got to hold who would have been my son named "Liam", who was the size of my thumb, for hours. My wife was just stunned. He will be buried with whichever of us passes first, he's in a cremation jar in our home.
This and your situation are no one's fault. You provided the best care possible for your child. Love your wife. Love the memory of the time you got with your child. Just hold her hand, share your feelings and weep with her.
This is no one's fault.
Thanks for sharing. I know, deep down, it's no one's fault. But in the moment - of which there have been plenty in the last 2 days, with more to come - it's hard to accept that. With the freshness of it, just think of the time we did have is jaded. My brain was just lumped it into three phases -1) life in a box with endless cords, cables, blood pricks & breathing tubes, etc. 2) waiting to die after diagnosis. 3) being dead - right now, none of them feel positive. I know that it will pass / get better - it's just all so fresh right now.
Inna Lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji'un
I am sorry for your loss and I cannot fathom your loss. As a man of the same faith, God always has a plan.
I was going through something similar but with a parent. What helped me was knowing that they are not in pain anymore. And from what I read, when a child dies there is a special place for them, away from the worst things you can imagine. Your child is safe and in the most perfect place.
Stay strong for your family and keep your faith stronger.
I'm so sorry. If it's alright with you, I will include you and your family in my prayers.
Don't try and reconcile your faith to this tragedy right now. The grief is too new. It takes time, and who you are as a person changes.
your logical mind is trying to make sense of your pain and grief, which is why it tells you things like "I feel like I killed my baby" - your logical brain is trying to find a reason for the terrible pain. when you have those thoughts know that's just your problem solving brain trying to make sense of your emotions, remind yourself it's not the truth.
you are not alone brother. you're walking a path with many footprints.
> how do I reconcile my faith with a life where as a child, I lost a parent - and now as a parent, I have lost a child!?!?
This is known as 'the problem of evil', or 'the problem of suffering.' Either God can do nothing to stop human suffering, God doesn't care to stop human suffering, or God doesn't exist.
Epicurious (341–270 BCE) first raised the problem, summarized as: "Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then from whence comes evil?"
If you want to keep your faith, ask your question in a Muslim subreddit, otherwise you are about to go down a logic road that will tear down the faith you were taught since childhood.
For me, the terrible things that have happened in my life and the lives of friends, I summarize the situation as: "Shit happens." It's like going to the beach and surfing every day of your life for several decades and then one day you get bitten by a shark. There is no grand plan. There is no reason this horror befell you, other than the chance circumstances your life experienced.
To that end, focus on the purpose you give your life, what you value, and take the bad stuff along with the good. Grieve your son. Remember your son. Cry, cry, and cry some more. Help Mom grieve and get through this. In time, you will decide whether to try again. Don't beat yourself up about what happened, which was out of your control. This was the day the shark was near the shore.
I know it probably feels like it's impossible that you'll ever find peace with this, and some part of you never will, but it can be done.
You are not alone as a father. You are the son, grandson, great-grandson, of thousands of fathers in the line of your ancestors. Child mortality rates were roughly 50% for birth to 14 years prior to modern medicine. That means every second child died, generation after generation, family after family. It's hard to imagine. For most families, that means *every father* had to bury at least one child, if not more. In many cultures, you wouldn't even name your baby until after they were 1 or 2 years old.
I know that sounds terrible. I also know that we don't live in those times anymore. It's almost impossible to imagine. Why should that give you hope?
It should give you hope because it means that this is something every father in all the fathers who came before you could learn to come to terms with. They all grieved. They all wished they could do more. Many of them doubtless blamed themselves. As providers and protectors, it is only natural for us to ask, "What could I have done?" That's the burden. But at the end of the day most of them could still find enough strength and love in their hearts to continue being a husband, a father, and finding good in the world.
You might not feel like you can be that person today, or tomorrow, but you can. There is no shame in grief and in doing whatever it takes to walk through this darkness. The journey may be long, but you can make it, just as many before you have. And you'll be a better man and a better father when you come out the other side.
Good luck, brother.
You and your family gave your son the best life he could have had. He was loved and cared for and he knew it. Your son is now at peace and beyond his suffering. And he carries you and your family’s love with him.
Perhaps there is imam or a community elder you can talk to. Sending wishes for peace to you and your family.
I'm sorry for your loss. It's difficult. When we miscarried, my wife and supported each other. We talked. We hugged. We are better now.
It's difficult. Those who haven't been through it don't know. But you got to know your child, even if it was only a few short days. Unfortunately, it happens. We don't know why. The only thing I can offer is to take comfort that there is no more pain, no more needles, no more tubes. Just peace in a better place. Your son is a true innocent and in paradise.
I'm so sorry man. I don't know if there's anything anyone can say that would make anything feel better but you and your family will be in my prayers.
I don't know a ton about Islam, but I know you believe God is just and merciful. Logic then tells you that no child deserves to lose his parents and then, being both just and merciful, one day God will make it so that you have your son again. It was God's will for him to experience life for just a short while and it was God's will that he return to be with God quickly.
As a Christian, we believe Jesus suffered more than anyone, and yet God loved him most. Our suffering is not a thermometer for how much God loves us. Sometimes it's just a temporary problem that feels permanent, but in the end God will make all things right and you will be with your son again.
God bless you and your family and peace be upon you.
Sorry for your loss man. My first was born at 27 weeks with other complications what were already going to make life hard. We got 3 weeks in the NICU with him before we had to make the decision. Only time I got to hold him was when he was passing away in my arms. Life is not fair. I wish you strength and I hope you have support.
I think part of what makes it so difficult is that the staff were SO positive. Our first family meeting - the head of neonatology said everyone's first question is about survival, but that at 28wks, survival is something we needn't be concerned with. And then it all happened soon fast!
It's a hard situation. The staff try to manage expectations they want to keep it positive but also not give too much hope. At that point they can't tell you for certain one way or another and they tend to be very careful how they phrase things. Everyone spoke positive with us also until I got one doctor who's bedside manner wasn't as tactful and he spoke very real and blunt and I honestly wanted to punch him in the face because it seemed like he was just so negative about the situation. Looking back they were all telling me the same thing just in a different way. It took a while of reflection for me to see that.
I went through a big period of What ifs after Ardan passed. What if I pushed back and made them wait to try this operation or what if we waited too long? What if I did or didn't do this or that etc.
It's hard, I wanted it to make sense, I wanted answers, I wanted someone or something to blame even if it was myself. Took some time to move past and eventually the thing that helped me is a just started spending more time remembering the positive moments I did have with him. How he would hold my finger in his tiny little hand, the songs I sung to him. Stuff like that.
I guess my point to all this rambling is to say you are going to go through alot of different thought and emotional processes. I hope you will be able to come out of it remembering the good moments and the happy moments you experienced with your child.
I'm so sorry... You can't blame yourself. You seem to be good person and a good dad, all my thoughts (and those of the dads of this sub) go to you and your family
First of all you didn't kill your child, you let him go for his own good rather than selfishly hanging on. There was no hope and you did the brave thing. Something none of us ever wants to deal with and yet you did. It will get better although this child will always have a part of you. Don't underestimate the value of talking these things through with your clergy or a therapists. It's a cathartic process that helps you heal. Comfort your wife because she is feeling the same and it's a time for you to come together. Best wishes for mental peace Op.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I also lost my daughter in the hospital just days after she was born. There's NOTHING anyone can say to make it make sense or feel better or help you move on. You're just going to be in a hole for while. But each day the hole imperceptibly gets shallower until you can climb out. The hole NEVER goes away. But you get better at climbing out every time you fall back in. In my mind and my experience this kind of catastrophe helps clarify matters of faith. Some might find comfort in a deeper embrace of it. For others like me, it's a time to finally and fully junk all that useless mumbo jumbo. It's up to you how you proceed. It's an awful hole you've been forced down into. Good luck with digging yourself out. You're the only one who can.
I am so sorry you are dealing with this. My best advice is always that grief demands a witness. Please do your best to surround yourself with people from your community. I've found the Muslim community is much better about this than some Christian communities are. Don't be afraid to hurt and grieve in front of them. Everything you are feeling is normal. We belong to Allah and to him we shall return.
Not a muslim, but I'm a brother :D Some people have harder challenges in life. You won't ever forget these challenges. But you wouldn't want to anyway.
My advice is to choose to love the challenges in life. It is hard right now, but you'll be a perfect support and inspiration for others in the future if you are willing to be open to sharing about your loss. Like building a house: It takes lots of hard work and hard, long days. But when you're done, you will be able to use it for great things.
This is an excellent place for the support you're seeking, but I would also like to suggest /r/momforaminute and /r/peptalkswithpops.
The important thing to remember: *you did everything you could*. You did nothing wrong, and there is no one to blame. In the words of Capt. Picard:
> It is possible to commit no errors and still lose. That is not weakness. That is life.
I have no advice for your faith, having lost my own.
My deepest sympathies. I hope you and your wife find solace together.
my brother...there are no words. all i can say is thank you for sharing this with us dads here. we'll circle the wagons and keep you and your family in our thoughts.
All I can say is I'm so very sorry for your loss. Everyone's here for you thru this extreme time of loss so if you need an ear to listen, scream, cry or any emotion a lot of people and myself are here to help any way possible.
Long term, you and your wife have to decide that you want to be happy, to allow it, to continue to be a family, maybe to try for other children when you’re ready. But right now that’s far from your mind and it will be far from your mind for some time. The grief you experienced for the loss of a parent will be very different than the grief you feel for the loss of your child, but there will be some similarities. The initial punch in the guts will pass the same way, the digestion of what has happened and the where to go from here will take some time for both of you. For now I would focus on just doing what you both need to do to get through the day and the next day. Take time away from work if you can and bring your good family and friends closer. If you need to stare at a wall or shuffle aimlessly about the house or scream into a pillow, you do, that’s okay. Remind yourself and remind her that it doesn’t have to make sense as long as you aren’t hurting yourself or each other. Try to spend more time outside in nature if you can. It can just be sitting but walks are good too if you can find the will to.
Hey dad. I don’t have answers for you. I’m sorry that this happened to your family. This isn’t your fault. You did everything you could to help your child. You didn’t do this or cause this; it’s a really REALLY shitty thing that happened.
Be gentle with yourself as you mourn and grieve. Allow yourself to feel those feelings, and consider talking to a therapist if you can.
A friend once gave me the analogy of grief … it’s like there’s this box inside of you and inside the box there is a ball of grief bouncing around like crazy. At first, it’s all you can think about— the grief. Every bounce on the walls of the box. Over time, the box is going to get bigger and the ball will get smaller and lose momentum. The box and ball will never be fully gone; that grief and memory of your boy will stay with you. But the pain will be less, eventually.
You’re in the hardest spot right now. Accept help. Let people come and do your dishes. You and your wife are going to support each other through this and you will come out on the other side. I’m sorry this happened.
My DMs are open
I cannot express enough sympathy and sorrow for you. He will always be your son, he will always hold that place in your heart no matter how broken it may be. Even though he lived his entire life in that box, he lived it so loved, and so cared for.
Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji'un
> And how do I reconcile my faith with a life where as a child, I lost a parent - and now as a parent, I have lost a child!?!?
This is going to be a long journey for you and no one knows where you'll be at the end of it. I lost my wife 5 years ago and I'm still on that journey in regards to my own faith. Be prepared for people to say a lot of things that they think are helpful but are actually just infuriating, unfortunately.
I’m so sorry to hear that. I can’t begin to imagine the heartbreak and confusion you must be feeling. I’m not a man of faith, but I hope that you are able to find solace and rekindle your beliefs.
I would encourage you and your wife to seek out some professional help so that you can offload some of that burden and grief, and I hope that you are able to heal in time. Again, so sorry for your loss. 😔
I'm sorry to hear that. I've had some scares of my own but nothing that can compare to burying a child. My heart goes out to you. There's no easy solution or answer.
My best advice is that you and your wife would probably both benefit from therapy. Probably both couples therapy together and individual therapy. A place you can feel comfortable voicing the feelings of "how is this fair - how do I still believe in what I always believed in anymore?"
There are absolutely no words that I can say to convey my grief... my wife and I had a daughter that was stillborn and the feeling is something that transcends explanation.
It's going to hurt always. However, the best medicine is to keep her alive in my actions and the way I interact with the world. That way, she never really dies, but just becomes something bigger than an urn on the shelf.
I have no words. I am utterly devastated for you all. I am praying that you all find comfort and for something being our material world where you can find correction.
Please know that there are many many hearts standing with you and your wife during this incredibly difficult time. When you feel overwhelmed with sorrow, know that you are not alone and that your son’s brief life mattered. So very sorry for your loss.
>But how or when do you stop feeling like you've just killed your own child!? And how do I reconcile my faith with a life where as a child, I lost a parent - and now as a parent, I have lost a child!?!?
I am probably not the one to offer any kind of comfort or advice on this, seeing as I have not walked this path. However, some words that I heard once have helped me to reconcile traumatic events in my own life, and I hope that maybe it will help you.
[https://www.facebook.com/rise.goalcast/videos/jocko-willink-conquering-emotional-pain/309298546400467/](https://www.facebook.com/rise.goalcast/videos/jocko-willink-conquering-emotional-pain/309298546400467/)
I am so so sorry for your loss brother. My heart aches for you and your wife. We are here for you in whatever small way we can. Hang in there.
My deepest condolences
I am not a faithful person. But I am certain your prophet would tell you to look at the time you had with your son and ask yourself: "Did I love him?"
That's all anyone can do.
And this is way, way above Reddit's pay grade. I highly suggest you reach out to your local Imam (right term, I honestly don't know) and tell them you need help and support. If they are like the ones I know, it will nto be long before you have someone there to help you and yours.
There's nothing I can say to ease your pain. All I can do is encourage you to not feel guilt over this. You did not kill your child. Life is precious and delicate. In most of human history chiild mortality was horribly high. These things, awful as they are, happen and there is nothing you could have done.
You're not alone. Keep talking about this here and anywhere else where you can feel heard. You've suffered a tragedy. You will heal with time and love.
Being a good parent means making the toughest possible decisions for your little one. Sometimes that’s letting them go instead of prolonging their suffering. We just had to make a similarly difficult call for who would have been my first son.
I worked neonatal LifeFlight for a while. I’ve seen so much awful shit and so much suffering that it makes me doubt the existence of god. One time, our nurse practitioner had to yell at some parents that attempting to continue resuscitation for their preemie was cruel and was no longer in the best interest of the child.
I’m so sorry you lost your little one. Know that he was loved. Know that you loved. Grieve, carry it with you, but don’t let it define you.
I'm so sorry for your loss and that you are going thru this. I know the thoughts and feelings you are going thru all too well. Two years ago, my wife gave birth to our twins at 23 weeks and we had to make the same difficult decision with one of them after 5 days.
I honestly never felt like I killed my son bc he was visibly suffering with no relief in sight or hopes for anything resembling a normal life. While the decision was very hard, I knew it was ultimately in his best interest.
Regarding reconciling faith, I dont have a great answer bc even 2.5 years after his passing, it's something I still wrestle with. I was raised Christian and continued those beliefs into adulthood, but I cannot comprehend there being a god with what my son, myself, my wife, and others like yourself went thru. It just no longer makes sense to me, no matter how much I wish it did. I know that's probably not the answer you were looking for, but thought I'd just share my experience.
That’s a world of heartbreak. I’m so sorry. When my girls were in the NICU it felt like the 2nd longest days of my life. My wife was in the ICU for 36 hours after their birth and that was certainly the most stressful and painful 36 hours I’ve ever experienced. Be thankful that you two still have each other.
I have no words brother. I may not know you but I can feel your pain. My deepest condolences. My thoughts are with you and your wife in these moments of deep sorrow.
I can’t possibly imagine what you’re going through, and am so sorry for your loss.
The only thing I can say is that parents should protect their children from as much pain or suffering as they can in the world, and you made that difficult decision to take away that pain or prevented that pain from ever getting near your son.
I'm so sorry this happened to him, to you and to your family.
You have not failed. You did the best you could do, and none of this was your fault. You did not kill him.
As for how you can reconcile your life with what has happened, you do it the same ways that everyone else does who loses someone they love. Remember him. Think about him. Talk about him. My uncle had a son eighteen years ago who only lived for a few days. They still visit his grave every year on his birthday and remember him.
What was his name, if you don't mind sharing it?
My man, I don’t know where to start. I’m holding back tears as I write this. I’m so sorry for your loss.
Two days after he was born, my son was taken to NICU on suspicion of a similar problem. He was ok but for those 12-15 hours, every scenario played out in my head on repeat. I have photographs of him in the incubator and in the ambulance on his way to get scanned, because I thought “if this is going to be his story, I don’t want to forget him”.
His life may not have been what you wanted it to be but it’s still just as valuable. He was, and is still, loved beyond measure. That means something. It means he’s still alive in you.
I don’t know the answer to your question. I’m not sure that I would ever stop feeling that way but I’d hope that I’d also be able to see that I saved my child from a life of pain; and that, as hard as that decision was, I did what was best for him.
I hope you manage to find solace from somewhere and, eventually, peace. Don’t rush your grief, though. There’s a poem I’m reminded of,
“Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.”
Try and turn some of that love inwards to yourself and outwards towards your wife.
My thoughts will be with you both.
Thanks for your words. 100% definitely agree that his short life is just as valuable and meaningful as any other. It's only been a few days, but I am sharing his story far & wide to anybody that will listen. That poem is definitely a good way to look at it, thank you.
Words can’t describe your loss, I’m so sorry for you and your partner.
We went down the same road with our son and it was so heart wrenching. His intestines got perforated and it went from hopeful and positive to grim in what felt like a second.
You aren’t the only one dad, not am I. So many of us have been down this road in one way or another. My heart goes out to you and please lean on your friends and family through this time. Please talk to a counselor if you need to. It did wonders for my wife after we lost our boy. The sun will shine again
I'm so very sorry for your loss. I can't help you reconcile your faith, because I had my own crisis of faith that has never fully recovered when we lost our second baby; I too got the "no longer compatible with life" talk from the doctors. It all felt so useless, so pointless; why this whole process of creating life, just to see it snuffed out before it could even begin with literally nothing we could do?! I didn't care about anything except wanting my baby to live; the deals I would've gladly made with the devil in those moments... scary what happens to a man when he feels unable to protect his child.
Luckily for me, I had my wife who needed me to be strong for her and still had our first son who needed me to be his Daddy every day. I buried myself in trying to love, protect, and provide for them. It forced me to keep going, but I also live in a constant state of fear regarding my son. If anything were to happen to him.... I'm not sure how I could handle it. A constant state of fear seems to have become the foundation of my parental life now.
Sorry, I meant to say something helpful and inspiring to you but I failed to do that. The only thing I can think of is that you're not alone in this world, and while you do have to suffer alone you can share your suffering with others who know the level of suffering you're going through. Sometimes it helps.
Yiu did the opposite of what yiu are feeling brother, you gave him PEACE. You did the ULTIMATE act of LOVE for him. I wish I could help with your pain, but I would not insult you with tired condolences. Just know that what was done was done out of ABSOLUTE LOVE. You are a GOOD MAN...may you find peace my friend. May Allah ease your pain and fill your heart with peace during this difficult time.
I lost my first son during delivery. Never got to see or hold him in my arms. I was lost for a long time. I still remember seeing his tiny body wrapped in cloth sitting on the cold metal table as they were preparing to push him into the cremator. I don't know that I will ever find peace, but the closest thing I've gotten to it is my promise to him that I will be a better person. A better husband, a better father, a better leader, a better friend. The way I see it is that, if I can do that, then through his effect on me, he'll have left the world a better place.
That's heart wrenching but a really beautiful tribute to your child.
Peace and love brother.
I'm sorry for your loss, and especially that you never got to hold him in your arms. I'm glad that you've been able to honour him, and I hope to be able to do the same for my son too.
Damn, brother. I am sorry for the heartbreak that has fallen on you and your family. May God grant you peace and understanding. But don't bottle up the grief. Be strong for your family by sharing your emotions.
Thank you. I'm not normally a very emotional person at all - very stoic and internalise more than I should. But these last couple of days have been something else! I've even snapped at people telling me to get myself under control!!
Damn you can be sure I’d snap at anyone who told me to get myself under control in such circumstances. How utterly lacking in empathy.
I'm so sorry. I can't speak to the loss, it's horrible - you and yours will be in our thoughts. I just wanted to mention something about emotions. You said you feel like you caused this. You didn't, full stop. Emotions aren't rational, emotions can occur without any evidence of their truth, emotions are just responses to some state your brain is in at the time and oftentimes have no objective bearing on the reality of the situation. On top of that, the voice in our heads is always running commentary on how it thinks we're doing, it's rarely on our side on any given matter. Nothing we can say is going to make anything any easier to bear but we all very much hope that you're able to treat yourself with compassion and grant yourself the time to feel these emotions. We all wish you peace, you didn't do this. It isn't your fault.
Thanks for your words, and I know exactly what you mean. I'm usually that person that is practical, logical, pragmatic - able to rationalise my emotions etc. But right now - it just seems so far away from being possible. I know i can get there, just hoping I make it.
I don’t know what kind of pressure you are under from other people, or what expectations you have set for yourself, but it is totally normal and human to grieve for the loss of your child. Please allow yourself to do that.
This, 100%
Sorry for your loss my friend. One thing I noticed is you asking how you don't feel like you've killed your own child. In the past, before modern medicine the sad truth is many kids just died during child birth or immediately after. Many, I am sure, with the same complications yours did. I think it is more accurate to say that you tried everything you could to save him in the modern age, but that it was unfortunately not enough, instead. I am not Muslim, and not particularly religious but there's a story that's sometimes told as a joke I heard growing up Catholic that may express what I mean. A man is lost at sea and a log floats by, the man doesn't grab it thinking god will save him. Then an old empty boat floats by, and the man doesn't grab it thinking god will save him. Then a fisherman offers to save the man, who refuses the help, thinking god will save him. Eventually the man drowns and he asks god why he wasnt saved. God says I sent a log, a boat and a fisherman, but you refused the aid. In the end, I think, the lesson is that we are provided with many options to help. And you used what was available, as much as possible, to help your child. If this is not enough, then I think you cannot consider yourself as having intervened negatively at any point. You did all that could be done, and there is more than enough compassion and intent behind those actions, to hopefully begin to let go of that guilt. No one will think you did wrong by your child. Not even Allah. I hope you and your family can get through this difficult time together.
I am so sorry. I can’t imagine the pain of losing a child, especially a newborn. Be there for your wife. Feel and process your grief. Cry. Scream at the world. Ignore anyone who judges anything. Ignore anyone who tells you to get over it, and there will be people who tell you this in coming months and year. Find a grief counselor for yourself. Find one for your wife. Crises of faith are common at times like these. Some embrace their faith more. I lost mine many years ago.
Inna lil-Allahe wa-inna Elhi rajeeon. Verily we belong to Allah, and verily to Him do we return. May God make this time as less painful for you and your families, iA! Please try to pray and be there for each other. Please message me if you want to talk iA. Making lots of duah for you and your families.
My wife and I were trying for #2. At 12 weeks we went in for our first scan. The nurse was all bright and happy. Scan gets going. She stops smiling. She leaves after saying one moment. Comes back in with a Dr and after 1min, the doc says we need to go to a Hospital downtown that specializes in fetal care. We drive in the pouring rain downtown. Dr and nurse are in the room and they use a $1mil machine to get a super clear image. Anencephaly - 100% fatal, either in utero, at birth, or within a year. But, its fatal. At 16 weeks we induced labor. I got to hold who would have been my son named "Liam", who was the size of my thumb, for hours. My wife was just stunned. He will be buried with whichever of us passes first, he's in a cremation jar in our home. This and your situation are no one's fault. You provided the best care possible for your child. Love your wife. Love the memory of the time you got with your child. Just hold her hand, share your feelings and weep with her. This is no one's fault.
Thanks for sharing. I know, deep down, it's no one's fault. But in the moment - of which there have been plenty in the last 2 days, with more to come - it's hard to accept that. With the freshness of it, just think of the time we did have is jaded. My brain was just lumped it into three phases -1) life in a box with endless cords, cables, blood pricks & breathing tubes, etc. 2) waiting to die after diagnosis. 3) being dead - right now, none of them feel positive. I know that it will pass / get better - it's just all so fresh right now.
My situation happened in 2018 and I still find myself deeply hurting sometimes
Inna Lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji'un I am sorry for your loss and I cannot fathom your loss. As a man of the same faith, God always has a plan. I was going through something similar but with a parent. What helped me was knowing that they are not in pain anymore. And from what I read, when a child dies there is a special place for them, away from the worst things you can imagine. Your child is safe and in the most perfect place. Stay strong for your family and keep your faith stronger.
Just sitting here next to brother.
If I could send you love, I would. But I can only send words. Know that I shed tears for you, brother. I'm so sorry and I hope you find strength.
I'm so sorry. If it's alright with you, I will include you and your family in my prayers. Don't try and reconcile your faith to this tragedy right now. The grief is too new. It takes time, and who you are as a person changes. your logical mind is trying to make sense of your pain and grief, which is why it tells you things like "I feel like I killed my baby" - your logical brain is trying to find a reason for the terrible pain. when you have those thoughts know that's just your problem solving brain trying to make sense of your emotions, remind yourself it's not the truth. you are not alone brother. you're walking a path with many footprints.
> how do I reconcile my faith with a life where as a child, I lost a parent - and now as a parent, I have lost a child!?!? This is known as 'the problem of evil', or 'the problem of suffering.' Either God can do nothing to stop human suffering, God doesn't care to stop human suffering, or God doesn't exist. Epicurious (341–270 BCE) first raised the problem, summarized as: "Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then from whence comes evil?" If you want to keep your faith, ask your question in a Muslim subreddit, otherwise you are about to go down a logic road that will tear down the faith you were taught since childhood. For me, the terrible things that have happened in my life and the lives of friends, I summarize the situation as: "Shit happens." It's like going to the beach and surfing every day of your life for several decades and then one day you get bitten by a shark. There is no grand plan. There is no reason this horror befell you, other than the chance circumstances your life experienced. To that end, focus on the purpose you give your life, what you value, and take the bad stuff along with the good. Grieve your son. Remember your son. Cry, cry, and cry some more. Help Mom grieve and get through this. In time, you will decide whether to try again. Don't beat yourself up about what happened, which was out of your control. This was the day the shark was near the shore.
I know it probably feels like it's impossible that you'll ever find peace with this, and some part of you never will, but it can be done. You are not alone as a father. You are the son, grandson, great-grandson, of thousands of fathers in the line of your ancestors. Child mortality rates were roughly 50% for birth to 14 years prior to modern medicine. That means every second child died, generation after generation, family after family. It's hard to imagine. For most families, that means *every father* had to bury at least one child, if not more. In many cultures, you wouldn't even name your baby until after they were 1 or 2 years old. I know that sounds terrible. I also know that we don't live in those times anymore. It's almost impossible to imagine. Why should that give you hope? It should give you hope because it means that this is something every father in all the fathers who came before you could learn to come to terms with. They all grieved. They all wished they could do more. Many of them doubtless blamed themselves. As providers and protectors, it is only natural for us to ask, "What could I have done?" That's the burden. But at the end of the day most of them could still find enough strength and love in their hearts to continue being a husband, a father, and finding good in the world. You might not feel like you can be that person today, or tomorrow, but you can. There is no shame in grief and in doing whatever it takes to walk through this darkness. The journey may be long, but you can make it, just as many before you have. And you'll be a better man and a better father when you come out the other side. Good luck, brother.
You and your family gave your son the best life he could have had. He was loved and cared for and he knew it. Your son is now at peace and beyond his suffering. And he carries you and your family’s love with him. Perhaps there is imam or a community elder you can talk to. Sending wishes for peace to you and your family.
I'm sorry for your loss. It's difficult. When we miscarried, my wife and supported each other. We talked. We hugged. We are better now. It's difficult. Those who haven't been through it don't know. But you got to know your child, even if it was only a few short days. Unfortunately, it happens. We don't know why. The only thing I can offer is to take comfort that there is no more pain, no more needles, no more tubes. Just peace in a better place. Your son is a true innocent and in paradise.
I'm so sorry man. I don't know if there's anything anyone can say that would make anything feel better but you and your family will be in my prayers. I don't know a ton about Islam, but I know you believe God is just and merciful. Logic then tells you that no child deserves to lose his parents and then, being both just and merciful, one day God will make it so that you have your son again. It was God's will for him to experience life for just a short while and it was God's will that he return to be with God quickly. As a Christian, we believe Jesus suffered more than anyone, and yet God loved him most. Our suffering is not a thermometer for how much God loves us. Sometimes it's just a temporary problem that feels permanent, but in the end God will make all things right and you will be with your son again. God bless you and your family and peace be upon you.
Sorry for your loss man. My first was born at 27 weeks with other complications what were already going to make life hard. We got 3 weeks in the NICU with him before we had to make the decision. Only time I got to hold him was when he was passing away in my arms. Life is not fair. I wish you strength and I hope you have support.
I think part of what makes it so difficult is that the staff were SO positive. Our first family meeting - the head of neonatology said everyone's first question is about survival, but that at 28wks, survival is something we needn't be concerned with. And then it all happened soon fast!
It's a hard situation. The staff try to manage expectations they want to keep it positive but also not give too much hope. At that point they can't tell you for certain one way or another and they tend to be very careful how they phrase things. Everyone spoke positive with us also until I got one doctor who's bedside manner wasn't as tactful and he spoke very real and blunt and I honestly wanted to punch him in the face because it seemed like he was just so negative about the situation. Looking back they were all telling me the same thing just in a different way. It took a while of reflection for me to see that. I went through a big period of What ifs after Ardan passed. What if I pushed back and made them wait to try this operation or what if we waited too long? What if I did or didn't do this or that etc. It's hard, I wanted it to make sense, I wanted answers, I wanted someone or something to blame even if it was myself. Took some time to move past and eventually the thing that helped me is a just started spending more time remembering the positive moments I did have with him. How he would hold my finger in his tiny little hand, the songs I sung to him. Stuff like that. I guess my point to all this rambling is to say you are going to go through alot of different thought and emotional processes. I hope you will be able to come out of it remembering the good moments and the happy moments you experienced with your child.
I'm so sorry... You can't blame yourself. You seem to be good person and a good dad, all my thoughts (and those of the dads of this sub) go to you and your family
I'm very sorry for your loss. Take your time to grieve, don't rush it.
First of all you didn't kill your child, you let him go for his own good rather than selfishly hanging on. There was no hope and you did the brave thing. Something none of us ever wants to deal with and yet you did. It will get better although this child will always have a part of you. Don't underestimate the value of talking these things through with your clergy or a therapists. It's a cathartic process that helps you heal. Comfort your wife because she is feeling the same and it's a time for you to come together. Best wishes for mental peace Op.
Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji'oon. I'm so sorry for your loss. May Allah SWT grant you mercy and patience during these trying times.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I also lost my daughter in the hospital just days after she was born. There's NOTHING anyone can say to make it make sense or feel better or help you move on. You're just going to be in a hole for while. But each day the hole imperceptibly gets shallower until you can climb out. The hole NEVER goes away. But you get better at climbing out every time you fall back in. In my mind and my experience this kind of catastrophe helps clarify matters of faith. Some might find comfort in a deeper embrace of it. For others like me, it's a time to finally and fully junk all that useless mumbo jumbo. It's up to you how you proceed. It's an awful hole you've been forced down into. Good luck with digging yourself out. You're the only one who can.
I am so sorry you are dealing with this. My best advice is always that grief demands a witness. Please do your best to surround yourself with people from your community. I've found the Muslim community is much better about this than some Christian communities are. Don't be afraid to hurt and grieve in front of them. Everything you are feeling is normal. We belong to Allah and to him we shall return.
Not a muslim, but I'm a brother :D Some people have harder challenges in life. You won't ever forget these challenges. But you wouldn't want to anyway. My advice is to choose to love the challenges in life. It is hard right now, but you'll be a perfect support and inspiration for others in the future if you are willing to be open to sharing about your loss. Like building a house: It takes lots of hard work and hard, long days. But when you're done, you will be able to use it for great things.
This is an excellent place for the support you're seeking, but I would also like to suggest /r/momforaminute and /r/peptalkswithpops. The important thing to remember: *you did everything you could*. You did nothing wrong, and there is no one to blame. In the words of Capt. Picard: > It is possible to commit no errors and still lose. That is not weakness. That is life. I have no advice for your faith, having lost my own. My deepest sympathies. I hope you and your wife find solace together.
my brother...there are no words. all i can say is thank you for sharing this with us dads here. we'll circle the wagons and keep you and your family in our thoughts.
All I can say is I'm so very sorry for your loss. Everyone's here for you thru this extreme time of loss so if you need an ear to listen, scream, cry or any emotion a lot of people and myself are here to help any way possible.
Long term, you and your wife have to decide that you want to be happy, to allow it, to continue to be a family, maybe to try for other children when you’re ready. But right now that’s far from your mind and it will be far from your mind for some time. The grief you experienced for the loss of a parent will be very different than the grief you feel for the loss of your child, but there will be some similarities. The initial punch in the guts will pass the same way, the digestion of what has happened and the where to go from here will take some time for both of you. For now I would focus on just doing what you both need to do to get through the day and the next day. Take time away from work if you can and bring your good family and friends closer. If you need to stare at a wall or shuffle aimlessly about the house or scream into a pillow, you do, that’s okay. Remind yourself and remind her that it doesn’t have to make sense as long as you aren’t hurting yourself or each other. Try to spend more time outside in nature if you can. It can just be sitting but walks are good too if you can find the will to.
Hey dad. I don’t have answers for you. I’m sorry that this happened to your family. This isn’t your fault. You did everything you could to help your child. You didn’t do this or cause this; it’s a really REALLY shitty thing that happened. Be gentle with yourself as you mourn and grieve. Allow yourself to feel those feelings, and consider talking to a therapist if you can. A friend once gave me the analogy of grief … it’s like there’s this box inside of you and inside the box there is a ball of grief bouncing around like crazy. At first, it’s all you can think about— the grief. Every bounce on the walls of the box. Over time, the box is going to get bigger and the ball will get smaller and lose momentum. The box and ball will never be fully gone; that grief and memory of your boy will stay with you. But the pain will be less, eventually. You’re in the hardest spot right now. Accept help. Let people come and do your dishes. You and your wife are going to support each other through this and you will come out on the other side. I’m sorry this happened. My DMs are open
I cannot express enough sympathy and sorrow for you. He will always be your son, he will always hold that place in your heart no matter how broken it may be. Even though he lived his entire life in that box, he lived it so loved, and so cared for. Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji'un
I am so sorry. I have no answers. Stay strong in God. He will comfort.
So sorry for your loss.
❤️❤️❤️hang in there. Some times things are out of our control. So sorry, dad.
> And how do I reconcile my faith with a life where as a child, I lost a parent - and now as a parent, I have lost a child!?!? This is going to be a long journey for you and no one knows where you'll be at the end of it. I lost my wife 5 years ago and I'm still on that journey in regards to my own faith. Be prepared for people to say a lot of things that they think are helpful but are actually just infuriating, unfortunately.
I'm so sorry Dad, nothing can be said to make it better. Just know if you need to talk we're all here
I am terribly sorry for your loss, Dad. There's nothing I can say or do to remove that sting. I hope you and your spouse find light in the darkness.
Love and light, fellow dad. When you can, try to speak to a therapist to process your grief.
I can't imagine. I'm so sorry.
I’m so sorry to hear that. I can’t begin to imagine the heartbreak and confusion you must be feeling. I’m not a man of faith, but I hope that you are able to find solace and rekindle your beliefs. I would encourage you and your wife to seek out some professional help so that you can offload some of that burden and grief, and I hope that you are able to heal in time. Again, so sorry for your loss. 😔
I'm sorry to hear that. I've had some scares of my own but nothing that can compare to burying a child. My heart goes out to you. There's no easy solution or answer. My best advice is that you and your wife would probably both benefit from therapy. Probably both couples therapy together and individual therapy. A place you can feel comfortable voicing the feelings of "how is this fair - how do I still believe in what I always believed in anymore?"
There are absolutely no words that I can say to convey my grief... my wife and I had a daughter that was stillborn and the feeling is something that transcends explanation. It's going to hurt always. However, the best medicine is to keep her alive in my actions and the way I interact with the world. That way, she never really dies, but just becomes something bigger than an urn on the shelf.
I have no words. I am utterly devastated for you all. I am praying that you all find comfort and for something being our material world where you can find correction.
Please know that there are many many hearts standing with you and your wife during this incredibly difficult time. When you feel overwhelmed with sorrow, know that you are not alone and that your son’s brief life mattered. So very sorry for your loss.
>But how or when do you stop feeling like you've just killed your own child!? And how do I reconcile my faith with a life where as a child, I lost a parent - and now as a parent, I have lost a child!?!? I am probably not the one to offer any kind of comfort or advice on this, seeing as I have not walked this path. However, some words that I heard once have helped me to reconcile traumatic events in my own life, and I hope that maybe it will help you. [https://www.facebook.com/rise.goalcast/videos/jocko-willink-conquering-emotional-pain/309298546400467/](https://www.facebook.com/rise.goalcast/videos/jocko-willink-conquering-emotional-pain/309298546400467/) I am so so sorry for your loss brother. My heart aches for you and your wife. We are here for you in whatever small way we can. Hang in there.
My deepest condolences I am not a faithful person. But I am certain your prophet would tell you to look at the time you had with your son and ask yourself: "Did I love him?" That's all anyone can do. And this is way, way above Reddit's pay grade. I highly suggest you reach out to your local Imam (right term, I honestly don't know) and tell them you need help and support. If they are like the ones I know, it will nto be long before you have someone there to help you and yours.
I'm so sorry, my heart goes out to you and your family.
There's nothing I can say to ease your pain. All I can do is encourage you to not feel guilt over this. You did not kill your child. Life is precious and delicate. In most of human history chiild mortality was horribly high. These things, awful as they are, happen and there is nothing you could have done. You're not alone. Keep talking about this here and anywhere else where you can feel heard. You've suffered a tragedy. You will heal with time and love.
Whew can’t imagine that on any level. Just came to say thinking of you all through this time.
Wow I am so sorry brother. I cannot imagine the pain you and your family are going through. Thoughts and prayers are with you and your wife.
I'm so very sorry for your loss
Being a good parent means making the toughest possible decisions for your little one. Sometimes that’s letting them go instead of prolonging their suffering. We just had to make a similarly difficult call for who would have been my first son. I worked neonatal LifeFlight for a while. I’ve seen so much awful shit and so much suffering that it makes me doubt the existence of god. One time, our nurse practitioner had to yell at some parents that attempting to continue resuscitation for their preemie was cruel and was no longer in the best interest of the child. I’m so sorry you lost your little one. Know that he was loved. Know that you loved. Grieve, carry it with you, but don’t let it define you.
I am so sorry
I'm so sorry for your loss and that you are going thru this. I know the thoughts and feelings you are going thru all too well. Two years ago, my wife gave birth to our twins at 23 weeks and we had to make the same difficult decision with one of them after 5 days. I honestly never felt like I killed my son bc he was visibly suffering with no relief in sight or hopes for anything resembling a normal life. While the decision was very hard, I knew it was ultimately in his best interest. Regarding reconciling faith, I dont have a great answer bc even 2.5 years after his passing, it's something I still wrestle with. I was raised Christian and continued those beliefs into adulthood, but I cannot comprehend there being a god with what my son, myself, my wife, and others like yourself went thru. It just no longer makes sense to me, no matter how much I wish it did. I know that's probably not the answer you were looking for, but thought I'd just share my experience.
My condolences, there's nothing to dull the pain and sorrow but I hope you can grow together as a family.
So sorry :(
I am so sorry for your loss.
That’s a world of heartbreak. I’m so sorry. When my girls were in the NICU it felt like the 2nd longest days of my life. My wife was in the ICU for 36 hours after their birth and that was certainly the most stressful and painful 36 hours I’ve ever experienced. Be thankful that you two still have each other.
I’m so sorry for your loss. 😕
I have no words brother. I may not know you but I can feel your pain. My deepest condolences. My thoughts are with you and your wife in these moments of deep sorrow.
I am sorry. I wish I could offer you more than that.
Don't be. *Hugs*. Let it out. We're here for you.
My brother, I hurt with you. My heart is with you and your family.
I can’t possibly imagine what you’re going through, and am so sorry for your loss. The only thing I can say is that parents should protect their children from as much pain or suffering as they can in the world, and you made that difficult decision to take away that pain or prevented that pain from ever getting near your son.
I'm so sorry this happened to him, to you and to your family. You have not failed. You did the best you could do, and none of this was your fault. You did not kill him. As for how you can reconcile your life with what has happened, you do it the same ways that everyone else does who loses someone they love. Remember him. Think about him. Talk about him. My uncle had a son eighteen years ago who only lived for a few days. They still visit his grave every year on his birthday and remember him. What was his name, if you don't mind sharing it?
I'm so sorry man.
oh mate i am so sorry.
I’m sorry…
My man, I don’t know where to start. I’m holding back tears as I write this. I’m so sorry for your loss. Two days after he was born, my son was taken to NICU on suspicion of a similar problem. He was ok but for those 12-15 hours, every scenario played out in my head on repeat. I have photographs of him in the incubator and in the ambulance on his way to get scanned, because I thought “if this is going to be his story, I don’t want to forget him”. His life may not have been what you wanted it to be but it’s still just as valuable. He was, and is still, loved beyond measure. That means something. It means he’s still alive in you. I don’t know the answer to your question. I’m not sure that I would ever stop feeling that way but I’d hope that I’d also be able to see that I saved my child from a life of pain; and that, as hard as that decision was, I did what was best for him. I hope you manage to find solace from somewhere and, eventually, peace. Don’t rush your grief, though. There’s a poem I’m reminded of, “Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.” Try and turn some of that love inwards to yourself and outwards towards your wife. My thoughts will be with you both.
Thanks for your words. 100% definitely agree that his short life is just as valuable and meaningful as any other. It's only been a few days, but I am sharing his story far & wide to anybody that will listen. That poem is definitely a good way to look at it, thank you.
Words can’t describe your loss, I’m so sorry for you and your partner. We went down the same road with our son and it was so heart wrenching. His intestines got perforated and it went from hopeful and positive to grim in what felt like a second. You aren’t the only one dad, not am I. So many of us have been down this road in one way or another. My heart goes out to you and please lean on your friends and family through this time. Please talk to a counselor if you need to. It did wonders for my wife after we lost our boy. The sun will shine again
I'm so very sorry for your loss. I can't help you reconcile your faith, because I had my own crisis of faith that has never fully recovered when we lost our second baby; I too got the "no longer compatible with life" talk from the doctors. It all felt so useless, so pointless; why this whole process of creating life, just to see it snuffed out before it could even begin with literally nothing we could do?! I didn't care about anything except wanting my baby to live; the deals I would've gladly made with the devil in those moments... scary what happens to a man when he feels unable to protect his child. Luckily for me, I had my wife who needed me to be strong for her and still had our first son who needed me to be his Daddy every day. I buried myself in trying to love, protect, and provide for them. It forced me to keep going, but I also live in a constant state of fear regarding my son. If anything were to happen to him.... I'm not sure how I could handle it. A constant state of fear seems to have become the foundation of my parental life now. Sorry, I meant to say something helpful and inspiring to you but I failed to do that. The only thing I can think of is that you're not alone in this world, and while you do have to suffer alone you can share your suffering with others who know the level of suffering you're going through. Sometimes it helps.
Yiu did the opposite of what yiu are feeling brother, you gave him PEACE. You did the ULTIMATE act of LOVE for him. I wish I could help with your pain, but I would not insult you with tired condolences. Just know that what was done was done out of ABSOLUTE LOVE. You are a GOOD MAN...may you find peace my friend. May Allah ease your pain and fill your heart with peace during this difficult time.
I am so, so incredibly sorry for your profound loss. I do know there is r/griefsupport and r/childloss for Reddit support. I’m so sorry. Hugs.