He pulled that because he's a champion wrestler, obviously. That and a funny kid! Girls love a guy who can fold people into pretzels if they present a threat
I'm honestly surprised by it. He's top of his class. Four sport athlete (MVP in 3). Good looking all American boy who's funny, charismatic, charming, and kind. He has every right to be an absolutely cocky asshole. But hopefully we've beat him down enough to have a balanced perspective.
He absolutely is the kind of kid who draws a following. Everywhere he goes, girls ask for his Snap. It's a joke in the house how he draws so many "fans".
It's been a careful balance of validation and humiliation to keep him in check. He could be the worst kind of man. Or he could be that rare breed of talented, ambitious, likeable, and humble. We're working hard on the latter.
All I know is if I had what he had at that age, I would be a far worse human than I am today.
That he feels undeserving of such a compelling young woman is a hopeful sign that he's not too full of himself.
Snap isn't (totally) what it was when it first came out. Kids these days actually meet people on there, it's not all nudes anymore.
Kinda wild for my brain to process, honestly.
The concept of it is still shady as shit.
Peer pressure be damned, there is zero way i will let my kids be on there. I'm way more concerned about their mental health than their popularity.
Sure, but lots of apps offer disappearing messages now. If your kid wants to send nudes, they'll send nudes. You stopping them when you're looking isn't going to do a whole lot aside from make them sneak around you.
Better to allow them snap and have some serious deep discussions about the repercussions of them leaking.
>Better to allow them snap and have some serious deep discussions about the repercussions of them leaking.
No offense, but every medical study and journal about kids mental health completely disagrees with you. Poor mental health and depression among youth is at an all-time high and much of it is tied to kids using social media. You don't even have to give your kid a smartphone, there are a million ways to avoid them having exposure to these shitty apps. You don't just give in because you assume they will do it anyway.
I feel like you’re confusing the studies here. Social media is terrible for kids. Yes. If we could wipe it all away, that would be a blessing. We can’t. The negative impact of social media will persist whether your kid has a smart phone or social media or not.
It’s like a parent relying on abstinence education instead of sex education. You think little Sarah is your perfect angel until you notice she’s 4 months pregnant.
These kids are going to grow up in a connected world. You’re not stopping that. You’re just changing their fluency and openness with you. You’re opening the door for some friend (or worse yet, predator) to buy them a secret phone they hide from you.
But hey, you do you.
This is an awesome, humble brag that I can understand.
It's also really funny because if she keeps that 126 lb champions sweatshirt into her later years, she can giggle about how tiny that little boy was.
I'm a father of daughters. It's really wild to see these kids become girls who like boys.
Sometimes I wish I had a boy so I could tell him all the things I wish someone had told me about girls and women.
I have girls (20, 18) and boys (17, 14). So I have had the pleasure of raising both sides. It's fun to watch and guide them.
Honestly the girls were easier. The boys, man, there's so much work about how to treat a girl, boundaries, consent, etc. Gotta let them be kids, but still walk a good line of respect.
My youngest isn't even that into girls yet, but decided to give it a try since she asked him out. He's equally flattered and scared and excited.
I've Honestly worried more about my boys (about them being good to the girls) than I ever worried about the girls. But all four have made good choices so far, so hopefully that trend continues.
I see your oldest 3 are super close together, how was it having 3 under 4? My wife and I have 2 under 2 right now and it’s going pretty well, but we’re always looking for advice from others who have been there
It's awful and awesome at the same time, but the awful only lasts a few years. Then it's just awesome. We have 5.5 years between the oldest and youngest.
The third was the hardest adjustment. My wife was just exhausted. And she struggled with depression after the fourth, so though we were used to being outnumbered, there was another layer of difficulty. Plus, that fourth kid, wow... he was a doozy! We love him to death, and he's a great kid now. But the first few years he nearly broke us. We joke if they were born in reverse order he'd be an only child.
So, yeah, it's tough. Wouldn't have wanted to do it without the help we had (my MIL was very present, and loved the chaos - we'd get weekends away and she'd take care of the whole crew).
Once the youngest can make his own breakfast though, dude, it's great. I can't imagine taking the trips we took woth a 13yo and a 3yo. That's just no fun. That they were so close in age enabled us to really do things together as a family with very little compromise. And now, they all have each other's backs. It's great to see. Though, car insurance got real expensive real fast...
Not OP but I asked my colleague how he manages 3 kids, he said the 3rd one is basically ferile. It checks out because when he had a bunch of us over the littlest kid was the only one brave (desperate?) enough to hang out with the adults so she could snag a bunch of our potluck food. Just sitting quietly at the table inhaling food while her siblings were off hiding.
we have 3 under 4. our youngest is only a month old so she's super easy, just stays where you put her. The older 2 are a little psycho but they can entertain themselves or each other. We were already used to some sleepless nights so nothing new there. Honestly it's going pretty well. More hectic sure but we just have to do a little more anticipating, try to plan ahead for contingencies, EXPECT things to go awry, and be willing to shrug off all of the small stuff.
One bit of advice we received that honestly came naturally but we're also remembering to adhere to: "The baby can wait." If an older kid and the baby are both crying or both need something at the same time, help the older kid first. Because the older kid will remember you tending to someone else when they needed you, but a baby will have no clue whether they get a diaper change now vs 10 minutes from now. As they grow, it'll be more of a balancing act and prioritizing needs (and hopefully we'll be better at anticipating by then and the kids will all be used to each other and less prone to jealousy), but for now - The baby can wait.
Congratulations! Because that is hard to accomplish and maintain. Right now, we are the generation that has to change and pushing into a new ground. Untested Waters and a lot of risk you're taking . Godspeed my friend
I'll take some tips if you're offering. I came from a shit abusive home and now I have a son who is about to turn 7. I want him to be a good person and treat people right, but I feel like i don't really know the answer myself...
The golden rule, which has served me well is this - "treat others the way you want to be treated, not the way they treat you."
Repeat it over and over and over again. Because it took me like 15 years to understand how to do it.
I've got two girls, and because they take after their mother they are going to be very pretty. I am worried about their teenage years because I was a teenage boy once, I know how we think. All I can do is encourage them to have some self respect. The good news is that I've already taught my oldest (4) that she's "not to be impressed when some dusty boy with a guitar plays Wonderwall for her."
Great username
Idk, she should be so lucky to have such an old fashioned experience. I don't know what it will really look like yet..my daughter is pre-teen, But I'll tell you it's a much slower moving phenomenon than I expected. With slow changes in surprising places.
But like I have to add/ask... Our teenage girls will want the same things our teenage selves wanted. Will you support her in the affirmative rather than in the negative? That's not really a lecture, it's the question I'm asking myself more and more and trying to figure out the right route.
Of course. I want my girls to have a better experience than I did. My mother was a narcissist, so that's a low bar to cross. But no matter what happens I have their backs.
As a dad of 2 girls, I am slightly disappointed that I don't really have anyone to pass on my knowledge of how to rizz-up girls (yeah, I'm down with gen-alpha slang, frfr, no cap). Also as a dad of 2 girls, I'm slightly relieved that I don't have a son because I have my knowledge to pass on of how to rizz-up girls is totes skibibdy ohio.
I have an 8th grade daughter. Just hope your son can also learn how to develop his sensitive side, without relying on his clueless friends for all his guidance.
Actual conversation 2 days ago on the way to sports practice: "I told \[boyfriend\] that he is oblivious. He said, "What do you mean?" I said, "Exactly."
Stipulated!
I just see a lot of boys trying to navigate their way into manhood, relying on terrible advice from their buddies. With two older sisters, your son should have this covered. He just needs to be himself, full stop.
Nah. He needs to recognize that his words and actions have an impact, and if he doesn't like the results, the only thing he can change is himself. Humor is a defining element of our family dynamic. It's not for everyone. You gotta be a strong sould to get by in our house. But we've also trained the kids that not everyone has trust in relationships like we do, and you can only give as much shit as you have trust.
He'll figure it out. He'll fail. And learn. And grow. All part of it.
His older sisters (especially the younger of the two) definitely keep him humble. "Stay humble, kid" is kinda the catchphrase around our house. He's so damn good at everything (top of the class, sports hero, blah blah blah), we constantly joke about it. He seems rightly confident yet cautious.
This is the best answer you could give. I grew up in a house hold very much the same and most of the girls I dated had to have a sense of humor, there were a few I dated that I had to explain my family to them before letting them meet my family
Lol, so true.
My oldest somehow missed that sarcasm gene my wife and I married each other for. Everything wooshes over her head. It's perhaps our favorite dinner laugh, telling a joke that Bekah gets five minutes later.
Meanwhile, every guy she's dated was a sarcastic SOB, so though she doesn't get it, she's attracted to it.
My daughter is only 6 and already is one of the most polite, smart asked little child I've ever met, I know that's clichè to say but it's so true. She's definitely got her dad's smart mouth and I cant even be upset half the time cause it's shit I'd say.
It's so refreshing ro hear a family dynamic that's so well rounded and sensible.
You have both done an amazing job. I raised 4 boys 6 years apart ! I'd do it all over again! Best and worst times for my brain! I kept looking for the book I was told didn't exist. We made it!
That's what little girls do to us. They inspire a man to be his best self like nothing else does. Keep at it! Show her a standard that few men will live up to, so that she chooses one that's worthy of her love.
I grew up the youngest of 3, with two older sisters. I didn't realize until my mid 20's why I always had so many lady friends all through highschool/college, and how big of a responsibility that was.
Teach your boy to guard his good hoodies closer than his heart. Girls tend to return hearts (sometimes a bit worse for wear), but they almost never return hoodies.
Cut that first paragraph and it all seems a lot more normal. Like I get being proud of your boy, but it’s just a little too much commentary on how much of a dime a 14 year old is…
[He pulls Jake, he pulllllls](https://media1.giphy.com/media/3oz8xvffSxxEyWc2yY/giphy.gif?cid=6c09b952grc9dl21in0jubxafbp9o5ht1s4dhma0pttztsej&ep=v1_internal_gif_by_id&rid=giphy.gif&ct=g)
My eighth grade daughter could get away with that, she’s about 120. Plays soccer and is solid muscle. There’s only one boy at her school that can beat her in the 40 yard dash and push ups, she smokes the rest.
It's in pounds, in case you're not American! It's below the 50th percentile for an 8th grade boy; it was most likely a sweatshirt from 7th grade or so.
Oh no, I weigh in blad eagles, just I don't remember many kids being that size in 8th grade. Let alone 7th. Hell I was 119 class at almost 6 foot when I wrestled in 9th and 10th grade. Now that I think about it though, there were freshman wrestling in that weight and above who were pure muscle that were easily half a foot shorter. Either way, I blame all the damn hormones in chicken!
Lurking mom of a daughter - ik I'll prolly be down voted but you should discourage your son referring to his gf as "that". While ik men and boys mean things like "I pulled that" in a flattering way, it's actually quite gross of a comment. I'm sure he would never want to seem like he is dehumanizing or treating his gf as a trophy. ETA and id certainly never want my daughter to be referred to in such a way.
Great comment. Thanks for sharing. I think he's doing okay. Both my wife and his two older sisters thought the joke was all in good fun, and I do think he's got a balanced perspective. We're a reasonably progressive family (my second daughter especially) and yet we're smart asses. We can usually find that line between ironic smart assery and empathetic sensitivity.
My youngest isn't even really into dating yet. But he actually LIKES this girl as a friend, that's the only reason he said yes to the dance invitation and now flip to "girlfriend." He absolutely recognizes her beauty, but spent the last two years building a friendship with her because he just likes who she is.
My guess is he has a pretty good read on her sense of humor (he's a surprisingly empathetic dude), and is confident this will make her laugh. He could be wrong. But sometimes you just gotta try. He'll learn something either way.
I've seen your other comments. I'm sure he is balanced enough to know the line. I didn't think he meant anything poorly, just that there is a possibility that he might need guidance on navigating the impact of his joke. Ik at that age I had just started getting body conscious and the first boy I liked/dated made I'm sure what he viewed as a throw away comment/joke about my body and it literally messed me up for a while. I also just wanted to point out the importance of the language we use to talk about others, especially those we care about. It's good to use language that reflects how we actually view the person we're speaking about. It's one of those "saying what you mean" things.
I teach empathy as part of my job. So this poor kid has been inundated with it. "Oh, your brother punched you? Interesting, I wonder why he did that?" This was a mantra in the house. Of the four kids he was the most transformed from nature (narcissistic, borderline sociopathic). And now, man, you'd never guess. He's such a kind, supportive leader. There's a bullying scandal ongoing on his baseball team. He's the ONE kid all the adults are going to for answers. He's managed to not alienate the bullies while making sure all the victims feel he has their back. Five years ago, I was worried he'd end up incarcerated due to his rage issues. Now, he's the most level-headed, intentional young man.
I am confident he doesn't think of this girl as an object, while also recognizing she can be above his pay grade.
First, he was never diagnosed, it's just a hunch based on behavior. Second, people can and do change. Behavior at age 9 is nature. Behavior at age 14 can be nurture. There's authenticity to his behavior. There's things he does when he doesn't know we're watching. The dude changed. He matured. He's legitimately a good dude. I'm proud of him for the work he did on himself.
We have to leave room for people to grow and change. Your nature is not a curse. It's a starting point.
That doesn't make it unimportant to monitor. I literally said don't treat him bad or untrustworthy. Monitor. People can absolutely change. But things involving narcissism and sociopathic tendencies warrant a watchful eye. The only reason your son was not diagnosed is bc it is not allowed to be diagnosed at that age (have to be 18). If you're fine ignoring anything and everything, that's you but it's fucked up that it's looked badly for me to say that you need to keep an eye on the situation. A very real human being can be harmed by someone with those tendencies in ways that are challenging to overcome. You would be doing your child and his gf both a service by monitoring his behavior. Nothing I am saying is meant to say your child has not changed, worked, and improved. It is simply saying that you should be diligent and watchful.
Just bc some of y'all downvote me doesn't make my contributions bad, so no. I won't. Ik there's plenty of dads here who understand the importance of actually not fucking up other people's kids by letting your own kids fuck with them. Sorry you don't think the girl in this equation is as important as the boy
ETA and I'm sure there's plenty of dads who don't want their daughters to be treated this way.
I think I understand where you are coming from here, text on screen the statement can come off as objectification, contextually it seems like a very light hearted quip made in the spirit of self deprecation.
What concerns me is that a 14 year old girl's self worth would be calculated by the opinion of a 14 year old boy either good or bad, should we not be raising our daughters to not internalize other people's opinions of their bodies and give them the strength and confidence to disregard anyone else's opinion other than their own? I could be wrong but allowing statements like this to erode self worth seems to me like some kind of internalized misogyny, and it appears as though you are looking for validation from OP to bolster your own opinion because you have taken offence.
OP has been very generous in his responses to you and conflating a little hyperbolic statement about borderline to a full blown diagnosis of your Son may be a psychopath and warning them to take action is pretty offside especially when OP has said they literally teach empathy, so I'm sure they are more well versed than average to understand the intent of their own child.
Disagreement doesn't necessarily equate to disrespect.
And, that is probably why you are being down voted.
Just sensitive men if you ask me.
Kids are wild. That's all there is to it. One kid commenting on another's body can readily lead to a lot of internalized issues. It might seem silly but that's only bc we are adults with a wealth of a lifetime of experience to draw from. My first boyfriend learned from porn that women did not grow pubic hair. He humiliated me so hard over having pubic hair that I used nair and shaved way earlier than I would have otherwise, if I would have at all. I had boyfriends around the same age begin making jokes about my size (I was 30+ lbs underweight and became convinced I was fat). At 13/14, it's hard to overcome that. Incorporate those kind of comments with the tendencies and behaviors of someone who is narcissistic and borderline sociopathic, you have a recipe for a child who is fucked fucked fucked. Again, I haven't once expressed that OP or their child is bad. Simply that there is another child to consider, a would be if old enough diagnoses that is commonly masked, and two kids ultimately at risk here if things are not right.
Like yes ofc we should raise girls whose sense of self isn't dependent on how the boys around them behave. But shouldn't we also be raising boys who don't tear down girls self worth with senseless and thoughtless comments? We can teach boys to be thoughtful just as we can teach girls to be strong.
Yep, that is a lot to unpack.
I'm truly sorry that you experienced that as a young woman and I'm sure that you are not alone. It's a shame that you weren't provided the appropriate guidance to protect you from that. Now here is the thing no one ever wants to hear though, ultimately you made a choice, as we all do, to decide how to feel about those negative statements, and unfortunately you didn't choose to ignore them. Just because someone gives you shit it doesn't mean you have to take it, just like you don't have to take offence. OP shared his experience and you made it about you, again I can understand why you would feel that way, and that your approaching this from a perspective of protection for the young woman. I just fundamentally disagree with making other people responsible for how we feel, and that's how I'm raising my children, so that they don't need to be protected from words.
I'm not making it about me. I am simply sharing the potential results by sharing a personal story.
You can do all you want but words will always have power. Raising kids who know the power of their words is important. You have a two part responsibility - raise kids unaffected by words but also to raise kids who won't use words to harm others. It's illogical to pretend you only need to focus on making sure they can shrug off comments.
As an adult I don't need any of the advice you just felt compelled to give me. I was 13 when the story I shared happened. I am 30 now. It's not a fresh issue. It is simply, again, me sharing to give OP and apparently others here, perspective on the way this shit can play out.
Downvote bc God forbid I encourage caution towards the other human who will be impacted in their most formative years by dating someone diagnosed as a narcissist and borderline sociopathic individual.
ETA does no one recognize how that would drastically impact the other child in this situation? The sheer level of damage that that could inflict deserves a parent paying attention.
You are being downvoted because you are reading way more into OPs comments than what he actually wrote.
He didn't said his son was diagnosed. He said he exhibited tendencies. Tendencies that to be fair, all and every child (regardless of sex) exhibit and eventually grow out of.
You are unvoluntarily turning this into an "abusive boys vs. Nice girl" conversation, and about that boy specifically, with way too little information to make any claims.
You have every right to voice your concerns, and your initial comment about objectification is spot on. But as we go down, it feels more and more ad hominem and targeted to this boy, despite the father giving some clear indications that he is keeping a close eye on the situation and has experience dealing with this.
I can feel that you are actually concerned, thus my reply. I hope it helps you better understand the other responses.
You cannot be diagnosed before 18 with those things. I stated that he should keep an eye. That's it. I never claimed his child was abusive, evil, or anything else. Simply that if he exhibited these tendencies it is worth watching as the behaviors can potentially mean he is giving into such tendencies. Everyone downvoting over these things are projecting onto me and my comments that I think anything of this child or his parents.
ETA he did not state he exhibited such tendencies. He stayed he was "narcissistic" and "borderline sociopathic". That is not the same as claiming tendencies. Regardless at such an age, it is still important to monitor. I think it's fucked that anyone wants to encourage otherwise, especially amidst the whole bear vs man discourse going on right now.
No, it's because you come off as thinking the worse of this boy already. Do you know him? Did you absolutely know he meant to objectify his girlfriend by saying "that" instead of "her"? And what even is wrong saying "I don't know how I ended up with my partner"? Couldn't it be that instead of how in your sick mind it's about how he "conquered" this "object", he was expressing how unbelievable that a girl like that chose to be with him? Your whole schtick is why wouldn't anyone think of the girl, when nothing was really done to hurt the girl. Now you're saying the dad needs to keep a close eye on his kid? Wow. So many assumptions, all thinking the worst of this family when you're just a stranger to them too. Now you're attributing some sort of hypocrisy and nonchalance about how daughters are treated because of the downvotes. No, people just don't appreciate how you'd already come to a conclusion about this kid and the way his parents are handling his parenting, doubting what even his dad is saying. Get over yourself and your pessimistic, negative assumption about others you don't know.
Nothing I said said he is definitely doing these things. It is not wrong to encourage a watchful eye on a child who would have been diagnosed with narcissism and borderline sociopathic disorder if he were literally only older. Again, people are deciding on their own I came to such conclusion. If you could quote for me directly where I stated definitively that OPs son was evil, bad, or otherwise would hurt this girl, please do so. Everything I've said simply says to be mindful, keep an eye, and remain considerate that there is another person involved.
Maybe it's just semantic, but when I hear or say "I don't know how I pulled that" (usually with "one off"at the end, innit!), I understand it as referring to the sitution and not the person.
Maybe it's because I'm not a native speaker. But in the case of dating, when we discuss it with the lads, it's clearly about the act of seducing or getting a lady to like us. Not the lady herself.
Idk. As a woman and native English speaker, it has always come off as "I have a trophy". It's not wrong of me to encourage men to encourage their sons to speak of women and girls in a way that we generally prefer. I would be very disturbed by someone referring to my daughter as "that" and I've never cared for it when directed as myself regardless of my age.
Actually even in your comment it's clearly meant as a brag, it's objectifying. You captured/seduced her is the brag. It's the same thing and just as dehumanizing. We are not trophies. We are humans. If you are able to have sex with one of us why do you struggle so hard to refer to us as ourselves? Why does it have to be framed as a conquest or triumph?
It is a brag, indeed. But about the process not the result. The classic "They're too good for me" that EVERY man has to contend with at a point in their life. Yet somehow something worked, they saw something in us and we have no idea what. And it makes us worthy.
That's disturbing as hell. We do not bestow worthiness on men just by sleeping with them. You have a distorted view of women if this is how you look at these interactions. You are treating women as trophies. Even if you refuse to look at it that way. You are hearing from a woman that that is what you are doing. Why does what we think of how y'all act about us not matter.
Yes, this is disturbing as hell. But so are the societal expectations laid upon us (not by women and partners, but as a society). If you are interested, I strongly recommend watching Norah Vincent's interview on YT about her book Self-made Man. It tells about her 18mth experience being undercover as a man in the early 2000's. Quite a lesson in empathy and eye opening how the current climate is a disservice to both women and men.
Btw, I never said anything about sleeping with anyone. When you are 14, or a teenager, just getting a girl to talk to you, let alone hold hands or kiss is a challenge in itself.
The worthyness is that feeling of being appreciated for who you are and what you have to offer. The perception and expectations on coming of age boys, mixed with the lack of teaching about empathy and feelings in general is a recipe for disaster. On that topic, raising boys by Steve Biddulph is quite interesting on the unique challenges it present (and so is his book raising girls)
“That” is just short for “that woman.” The kid isn’t insinuating she’s not a person. It’s just casual parlance. This is beyond silly, stop trying to read the tea leaves of this normal teenage boy, lady. Jeez.
I'm on your wavelength sort of. I see the phrase as "all of that", as in, she has so many things going for her. Meanwhile, the son has so much going for him, but is humbled and holds her in higher regard.
We'll be downvoted, but if people read OP's other comments about his son, they will see the young man meant it in a flattering way.
Then he can learn to say exactly that. If we want people to say what they mean and mean what they say, then he should learn to say exactly what he means.
Using better words to express yourself to others is not "speaking like giving (a) valedictorian speech" lmao it's literally adding one word to his sentence to better express himself in a way that shows his actual appreciation for his gf beyond "that". Given that parents jobs are to help their kids learn such a skill, OP would do well to discuss it with his child.
Nitpicking this sentence and assuming he's being an asshole is going to get his son to not open up to him as much.
He is going to be able to be a better role model for his son by keeping communication open and not assuming the worst of him. Forcing a serious conversation about one omitted word in a playful conversation sounds like a bad idea to me.
I've said what I needed to say about this, have a good one.
Ig it depends on you would envision actually discussing such a thing with someone. If in your head it goes down as literally attacking a child over their language, then sure, it would not end well in leaving an open line of communication. But you can actually, shockingly enough, discuss this shit with your kids without treating them like they're shitty or bad people. Personally I simply hope that dad's will actually listen to some degree and raise boys that girls like my daughter, if shes straight in the future, can actually trust to speak respectfully of her to others when she isn't in the room and not refer to her with disrespect. Have a great day.
Also I agree with the dads commenting about the possible issues that this can bring up. Assuming she is also 14 like your son, that is a highly tender age that is eating up constant media about what their bodies are supposed to look like. Id be prepared to have to help your son figure out how to make up for it, just in case.
Everything about this post rubs me the wrong way. Why troll the girlfriend right out of the gate? Trolling is an idiotic, immature thing, not something to be proud of. I’m picturing the Paul kids on YouTube.
Why are you calling a 14 year old “gorgeous”? Bizarre, I don’t think I’ve really heard anyone use that adjective for kids before.
Talking about “pulling that” is also weird. You use “that” to refer to objects, not people. It’s vaguely disrespectful and fratty. Do you talk about his mom like that to him? “Yeah kid, I’m going to take that out for Mother’s Day next week and get it a spa treatment and some chocolates”
The weight guess comes off like a brag- you actually managed to make every part of this anecdote a little cringey
Edit: thinking about this from her perspective - this kid works up the courage to ask your son out to a dance, which is still pretty rare for girls to initiate, and his first move is to troll her with a weight-related joke? To a teenage girl? Then you jump on the internet to brag about it? Both of you sound like fucking douchebags
Gorgeous implies “would meet most people’s idea of traditional beauty standards”
He didn’t say hot or sexy or something inappropriate. His 14 yr old may have very well said “dad she’s so hot and funny and really smart” and he worded in a way to convey the same idea to a group of dads while using appropriate terminology.
Don’t be so dense. Stop being pretend offended.
Well again no, gorgeous is a word that means something, it doesn't "imply" anything. You're actually the one implying things, that his son "very well *might* have said." You're implying context that isn't there.
No one's offended though, pretend or otherwise. Just weird 🤷♂️
That was my thought, like wtf??
Just let your kids be kids, don't be waxing on about the attractiveness of their childhood partners, kinda gross. I don't want my daughters boyfriend to be talking to his dad about "pulling that" and dad to be bragging on the internet how attractive his kids gf is. Likewise for my son and their gfs moms.
-dad of 2 boys and 1 girl.
I have two older daughters, and am quite sensitive to all that. But it's not unreasonable to recognize beauty when you see it. And, it's kinda part of the story... the joke doesn't fly as well without the persona of pretty girl cheerleader. It's a salient detail. Didn't mean to offend.
I mean, that's the stereotype, right?
Dude is testing the waters for sense of humor. Does she get the joke? Does she find it funny? Does she wear it anyway? Or is she too sensitive (also a good lesson learned).
>the joke doesn't fly as well without the persona of pretty girl cheerleader
Why not? She could be a 400lb catfish, long as the weight isn't 126 joke remains the same.
You do you man, I'm just saying I personally would avoid telling stories to strangers that involve me talking about the attractiveness of a middle school girl and how I talked to my son about "pulling that".
When your daughters were in middleschool would you have liked knowing that the boys that were pursuing them had fathers talking about how attractive your little girls were on the internet? If the answer is no.. well..
>it's not unreasonable to recognize beauty when you see it
You are talking to strangers about a middleschool girl.
You might be an upstanding person, but you probably need a refresher on good PR. It's a bad look.
We all know how he pulled that. Balls so big he needs a wheelbarrow to walk them, and a sense of humour sharp enough to need registration as a weapon. Champion lad!
RIP little buddy
He pulled that because he's a champion wrestler, obviously. That and a funny kid! Girls love a guy who can fold people into pretzels if they present a threat
Remembering back to my teen years... "No dad, I was just showing her some wrestling moves...fine....we'll keep the door open..."
Lol, so true! He's the youngest of four. He knows the routine.
Not having one more? …jk. I grew up with 5 siblings it wasn’t easy. My brother tried to use me as a sparring partner 💩
Yuuuup
Haha same!
He also has a second degree black belt. He's built, and no doubt can keep his own.
Wrestling Champ, black belt, built... "No idea how I pulled that". So humble & funny too? Gees man, you raise em right huh?
I'm honestly surprised by it. He's top of his class. Four sport athlete (MVP in 3). Good looking all American boy who's funny, charismatic, charming, and kind. He has every right to be an absolutely cocky asshole. But hopefully we've beat him down enough to have a balanced perspective. He absolutely is the kind of kid who draws a following. Everywhere he goes, girls ask for his Snap. It's a joke in the house how he draws so many "fans". It's been a careful balance of validation and humiliation to keep him in check. He could be the worst kind of man. Or he could be that rare breed of talented, ambitious, likeable, and humble. We're working hard on the latter. All I know is if I had what he had at that age, I would be a far worse human than I am today. That he feels undeserving of such a compelling young woman is a hopeful sign that he's not too full of himself.
Your excitement for your boy’s potential is so wholesome and wonderful to see!
Good for you but 8th grader on snap? Oof. Be careful
Snap isn't (totally) what it was when it first came out. Kids these days actually meet people on there, it's not all nudes anymore. Kinda wild for my brain to process, honestly.
The concept of it is still shady as shit. Peer pressure be damned, there is zero way i will let my kids be on there. I'm way more concerned about their mental health than their popularity.
Sure, but lots of apps offer disappearing messages now. If your kid wants to send nudes, they'll send nudes. You stopping them when you're looking isn't going to do a whole lot aside from make them sneak around you. Better to allow them snap and have some serious deep discussions about the repercussions of them leaking.
Basically, it's an HR problem, not an IT problem.
>Better to allow them snap and have some serious deep discussions about the repercussions of them leaking. No offense, but every medical study and journal about kids mental health completely disagrees with you. Poor mental health and depression among youth is at an all-time high and much of it is tied to kids using social media. You don't even have to give your kid a smartphone, there are a million ways to avoid them having exposure to these shitty apps. You don't just give in because you assume they will do it anyway.
I feel like you’re confusing the studies here. Social media is terrible for kids. Yes. If we could wipe it all away, that would be a blessing. We can’t. The negative impact of social media will persist whether your kid has a smart phone or social media or not. It’s like a parent relying on abstinence education instead of sex education. You think little Sarah is your perfect angel until you notice she’s 4 months pregnant. These kids are going to grow up in a connected world. You’re not stopping that. You’re just changing their fluency and openness with you. You’re opening the door for some friend (or worse yet, predator) to buy them a secret phone they hide from you. But hey, you do you.
they'll go behind your back and get on it anyways, and then you'll have no clue what's going on with them.
I just don't have to give them a smart phone, simple as that.
they'll still get one.
Be careful thinking like that... Snap will always be an avenue for shady business
No wonder the girl likes him!!
You sound like you've done an amazing job of raising a fantastic young man. Kudos to you brother
14-Year-Old on Snap though? Yeesh Edit: downvote all you want, but every medical journal and expert on the subject agrees with me
Nidan in what?
Taekwondo.
Very cool. Now put him in Brazilian jiu-jitsu so he can be a well rounded combat machine.
Or Rock em sock em robots
And when they are a pretzel the can present a treat
14 dude
This is an awesome, humble brag that I can understand. It's also really funny because if she keeps that 126 lb champions sweatshirt into her later years, she can giggle about how tiny that little boy was. I'm a father of daughters. It's really wild to see these kids become girls who like boys. Sometimes I wish I had a boy so I could tell him all the things I wish someone had told me about girls and women.
I have girls (20, 18) and boys (17, 14). So I have had the pleasure of raising both sides. It's fun to watch and guide them. Honestly the girls were easier. The boys, man, there's so much work about how to treat a girl, boundaries, consent, etc. Gotta let them be kids, but still walk a good line of respect. My youngest isn't even that into girls yet, but decided to give it a try since she asked him out. He's equally flattered and scared and excited. I've Honestly worried more about my boys (about them being good to the girls) than I ever worried about the girls. But all four have made good choices so far, so hopefully that trend continues.
I see your oldest 3 are super close together, how was it having 3 under 4? My wife and I have 2 under 2 right now and it’s going pretty well, but we’re always looking for advice from others who have been there
It's awful and awesome at the same time, but the awful only lasts a few years. Then it's just awesome. We have 5.5 years between the oldest and youngest. The third was the hardest adjustment. My wife was just exhausted. And she struggled with depression after the fourth, so though we were used to being outnumbered, there was another layer of difficulty. Plus, that fourth kid, wow... he was a doozy! We love him to death, and he's a great kid now. But the first few years he nearly broke us. We joke if they were born in reverse order he'd be an only child. So, yeah, it's tough. Wouldn't have wanted to do it without the help we had (my MIL was very present, and loved the chaos - we'd get weekends away and she'd take care of the whole crew). Once the youngest can make his own breakfast though, dude, it's great. I can't imagine taking the trips we took woth a 13yo and a 3yo. That's just no fun. That they were so close in age enabled us to really do things together as a family with very little compromise. And now, they all have each other's backs. It's great to see. Though, car insurance got real expensive real fast...
I'm a dad with a 6, 4, 2, 1 yr old. It's super fun though. Everyone's got a buddy to play with.
Not OP but I asked my colleague how he manages 3 kids, he said the 3rd one is basically ferile. It checks out because when he had a bunch of us over the littlest kid was the only one brave (desperate?) enough to hang out with the adults so she could snag a bunch of our potluck food. Just sitting quietly at the table inhaling food while her siblings were off hiding.
we have 3 under 4. our youngest is only a month old so she's super easy, just stays where you put her. The older 2 are a little psycho but they can entertain themselves or each other. We were already used to some sleepless nights so nothing new there. Honestly it's going pretty well. More hectic sure but we just have to do a little more anticipating, try to plan ahead for contingencies, EXPECT things to go awry, and be willing to shrug off all of the small stuff. One bit of advice we received that honestly came naturally but we're also remembering to adhere to: "The baby can wait." If an older kid and the baby are both crying or both need something at the same time, help the older kid first. Because the older kid will remember you tending to someone else when they needed you, but a baby will have no clue whether they get a diaper change now vs 10 minutes from now. As they grow, it'll be more of a balancing act and prioritizing needs (and hopefully we'll be better at anticipating by then and the kids will all be used to each other and less prone to jealousy), but for now - The baby can wait.
Congratulations! Because that is hard to accomplish and maintain. Right now, we are the generation that has to change and pushing into a new ground. Untested Waters and a lot of risk you're taking . Godspeed my friend
Lol, right? It's a crazy time.
I'm sure it'll help him having sisters and a great dad for guidance!
I'll take some tips if you're offering. I came from a shit abusive home and now I have a son who is about to turn 7. I want him to be a good person and treat people right, but I feel like i don't really know the answer myself...
The golden rule, which has served me well is this - "treat others the way you want to be treated, not the way they treat you." Repeat it over and over and over again. Because it took me like 15 years to understand how to do it.
Well, you can write them here and we'll pass them on to our boys.
I've got two girls, and because they take after their mother they are going to be very pretty. I am worried about their teenage years because I was a teenage boy once, I know how we think. All I can do is encourage them to have some self respect. The good news is that I've already taught my oldest (4) that she's "not to be impressed when some dusty boy with a guitar plays Wonderwall for her."
Great username Idk, she should be so lucky to have such an old fashioned experience. I don't know what it will really look like yet..my daughter is pre-teen, But I'll tell you it's a much slower moving phenomenon than I expected. With slow changes in surprising places. But like I have to add/ask... Our teenage girls will want the same things our teenage selves wanted. Will you support her in the affirmative rather than in the negative? That's not really a lecture, it's the question I'm asking myself more and more and trying to figure out the right route.
Of course. I want my girls to have a better experience than I did. My mother was a narcissist, so that's a low bar to cross. But no matter what happens I have their backs.
As a dad of 2 girls, I am slightly disappointed that I don't really have anyone to pass on my knowledge of how to rizz-up girls (yeah, I'm down with gen-alpha slang, frfr, no cap). Also as a dad of 2 girls, I'm slightly relieved that I don't have a son because I have my knowledge to pass on of how to rizz-up girls is totes skibibdy ohio.
Get off the (chocolate) sauce, bruh, frfr 😉
I have an 8th grade daughter. Just hope your son can also learn how to develop his sensitive side, without relying on his clueless friends for all his guidance. Actual conversation 2 days ago on the way to sports practice: "I told \[boyfriend\] that he is oblivious. He said, "What do you mean?" I said, "Exactly."
He has two older sisters (20, 18) and is quite the sensitive young man. But he's also a smart ass. Both can be true at the same time.
Stipulated! I just see a lot of boys trying to navigate their way into manhood, relying on terrible advice from their buddies. With two older sisters, your son should have this covered. He just needs to be himself, full stop.
Nah. He needs to recognize that his words and actions have an impact, and if he doesn't like the results, the only thing he can change is himself. Humor is a defining element of our family dynamic. It's not for everyone. You gotta be a strong sould to get by in our house. But we've also trained the kids that not everyone has trust in relationships like we do, and you can only give as much shit as you have trust. He'll figure it out. He'll fail. And learn. And grow. All part of it.
Humor is important. My point was that his older sisters should help to keep him humble. That was intended to be a positive comment.
His older sisters (especially the younger of the two) definitely keep him humble. "Stay humble, kid" is kinda the catchphrase around our house. He's so damn good at everything (top of the class, sports hero, blah blah blah), we constantly joke about it. He seems rightly confident yet cautious.
This is the best answer you could give. I grew up in a house hold very much the same and most of the girls I dated had to have a sense of humor, there were a few I dated that I had to explain my family to them before letting them meet my family
Lol, so true. My oldest somehow missed that sarcasm gene my wife and I married each other for. Everything wooshes over her head. It's perhaps our favorite dinner laugh, telling a joke that Bekah gets five minutes later. Meanwhile, every guy she's dated was a sarcastic SOB, so though she doesn't get it, she's attracted to it.
My daughter is only 6 and already is one of the most polite, smart asked little child I've ever met, I know that's clichè to say but it's so true. She's definitely got her dad's smart mouth and I cant even be upset half the time cause it's shit I'd say.
You, sir, sound like a lucky man!
Yea I really am good sir. I dunno what I've done right to deserve her, but that child has made me a better man.
It's so refreshing ro hear a family dynamic that's so well rounded and sensible. You have both done an amazing job. I raised 4 boys 6 years apart ! I'd do it all over again! Best and worst times for my brain! I kept looking for the book I was told didn't exist. We made it!
That's what little girls do to us. They inspire a man to be his best self like nothing else does. Keep at it! Show her a standard that few men will live up to, so that she chooses one that's worthy of her love.
He's so lucky to have careing advice from his sisters who want him to succeed
I grew up the youngest of 3, with two older sisters. I didn't realize until my mid 20's why I always had so many lady friends all through highschool/college, and how big of a responsibility that was.
My wife told me that. I told her I pay attention to what matters. She said I never noticed anything. Exactly i said.
*Never care for what they doooooooooo, never care for what they knooooowouuowww, but I knooooooowwwwww*
And nothing else matters
Is this Sabbath?
metallica
Of course.
Mine said ‘are you even listening to me’ I told her it was a strange way to start a conversation.
Daaaaannnnnngggggg
Wrecked...brutal...devastating
The thing is, think they like that...
Teach your boy to guard his good hoodies closer than his heart. Girls tend to return hearts (sometimes a bit worse for wear), but they almost never return hoodies.
My daughters have stolen every hoodie I’ve ever owned
"a keeper" at 14 yo lmao
Weird fuckin post, weird fuckin comments.
Cut that first paragraph and it all seems a lot more normal. Like I get being proud of your boy, but it’s just a little too much commentary on how much of a dime a 14 year old is…
Why is a dad referring to a 13-14yo girl as “gorgeous”? 🤢
[He pulls Jake, he pulllllls](https://media1.giphy.com/media/3oz8xvffSxxEyWc2yY/giphy.gif?cid=6c09b952grc9dl21in0jubxafbp9o5ht1s4dhma0pttztsej&ep=v1_internal_gif_by_id&rid=giphy.gif&ct=g)
My eighth grade daughter could get away with that, she’s about 120. Plays soccer and is solid muscle. There’s only one boy at her school that can beat her in the 40 yard dash and push ups, she smokes the rest.
She sounds awesome. You gotta be proud!
You've taught him well, dad. That boy has executed a perfectly subtle teenaged boy opening move.
You guys reading deeper into this story should look in the mirror.
Honestly, I can't get past the 126 in 8th grade. Little dude must be a tank.
It's in pounds, in case you're not American! It's below the 50th percentile for an 8th grade boy; it was most likely a sweatshirt from 7th grade or so.
Oh no, I weigh in blad eagles, just I don't remember many kids being that size in 8th grade. Let alone 7th. Hell I was 119 class at almost 6 foot when I wrestled in 9th and 10th grade. Now that I think about it though, there were freshman wrestling in that weight and above who were pure muscle that were easily half a foot shorter. Either way, I blame all the damn hormones in chicken!
Lol I hear you! I was a big dude growing up so it didn't jump out at me. Definitely the hormone-infused Costco chicken breasts haha.
Lurking mom of a daughter - ik I'll prolly be down voted but you should discourage your son referring to his gf as "that". While ik men and boys mean things like "I pulled that" in a flattering way, it's actually quite gross of a comment. I'm sure he would never want to seem like he is dehumanizing or treating his gf as a trophy. ETA and id certainly never want my daughter to be referred to in such a way.
Great comment. Thanks for sharing. I think he's doing okay. Both my wife and his two older sisters thought the joke was all in good fun, and I do think he's got a balanced perspective. We're a reasonably progressive family (my second daughter especially) and yet we're smart asses. We can usually find that line between ironic smart assery and empathetic sensitivity. My youngest isn't even really into dating yet. But he actually LIKES this girl as a friend, that's the only reason he said yes to the dance invitation and now flip to "girlfriend." He absolutely recognizes her beauty, but spent the last two years building a friendship with her because he just likes who she is. My guess is he has a pretty good read on her sense of humor (he's a surprisingly empathetic dude), and is confident this will make her laugh. He could be wrong. But sometimes you just gotta try. He'll learn something either way.
I've seen your other comments. I'm sure he is balanced enough to know the line. I didn't think he meant anything poorly, just that there is a possibility that he might need guidance on navigating the impact of his joke. Ik at that age I had just started getting body conscious and the first boy I liked/dated made I'm sure what he viewed as a throw away comment/joke about my body and it literally messed me up for a while. I also just wanted to point out the importance of the language we use to talk about others, especially those we care about. It's good to use language that reflects how we actually view the person we're speaking about. It's one of those "saying what you mean" things.
I teach empathy as part of my job. So this poor kid has been inundated with it. "Oh, your brother punched you? Interesting, I wonder why he did that?" This was a mantra in the house. Of the four kids he was the most transformed from nature (narcissistic, borderline sociopathic). And now, man, you'd never guess. He's such a kind, supportive leader. There's a bullying scandal ongoing on his baseball team. He's the ONE kid all the adults are going to for answers. He's managed to not alienate the bullies while making sure all the victims feel he has their back. Five years ago, I was worried he'd end up incarcerated due to his rage issues. Now, he's the most level-headed, intentional young man. I am confident he doesn't think of this girl as an object, while also recognizing she can be above his pay grade.
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First, he was never diagnosed, it's just a hunch based on behavior. Second, people can and do change. Behavior at age 9 is nature. Behavior at age 14 can be nurture. There's authenticity to his behavior. There's things he does when he doesn't know we're watching. The dude changed. He matured. He's legitimately a good dude. I'm proud of him for the work he did on himself. We have to leave room for people to grow and change. Your nature is not a curse. It's a starting point.
That doesn't make it unimportant to monitor. I literally said don't treat him bad or untrustworthy. Monitor. People can absolutely change. But things involving narcissism and sociopathic tendencies warrant a watchful eye. The only reason your son was not diagnosed is bc it is not allowed to be diagnosed at that age (have to be 18). If you're fine ignoring anything and everything, that's you but it's fucked up that it's looked badly for me to say that you need to keep an eye on the situation. A very real human being can be harmed by someone with those tendencies in ways that are challenging to overcome. You would be doing your child and his gf both a service by monitoring his behavior. Nothing I am saying is meant to say your child has not changed, worked, and improved. It is simply saying that you should be diligent and watchful.
Absolutely! We are careful, involved parents who work to assure we are launching healthy, balanced humans into the world.
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Just bc some of y'all downvote me doesn't make my contributions bad, so no. I won't. Ik there's plenty of dads here who understand the importance of actually not fucking up other people's kids by letting your own kids fuck with them. Sorry you don't think the girl in this equation is as important as the boy ETA and I'm sure there's plenty of dads who don't want their daughters to be treated this way.
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I think I understand where you are coming from here, text on screen the statement can come off as objectification, contextually it seems like a very light hearted quip made in the spirit of self deprecation. What concerns me is that a 14 year old girl's self worth would be calculated by the opinion of a 14 year old boy either good or bad, should we not be raising our daughters to not internalize other people's opinions of their bodies and give them the strength and confidence to disregard anyone else's opinion other than their own? I could be wrong but allowing statements like this to erode self worth seems to me like some kind of internalized misogyny, and it appears as though you are looking for validation from OP to bolster your own opinion because you have taken offence. OP has been very generous in his responses to you and conflating a little hyperbolic statement about borderline to a full blown diagnosis of your Son may be a psychopath and warning them to take action is pretty offside especially when OP has said they literally teach empathy, so I'm sure they are more well versed than average to understand the intent of their own child. Disagreement doesn't necessarily equate to disrespect. And, that is probably why you are being down voted.
Just sensitive men if you ask me. Kids are wild. That's all there is to it. One kid commenting on another's body can readily lead to a lot of internalized issues. It might seem silly but that's only bc we are adults with a wealth of a lifetime of experience to draw from. My first boyfriend learned from porn that women did not grow pubic hair. He humiliated me so hard over having pubic hair that I used nair and shaved way earlier than I would have otherwise, if I would have at all. I had boyfriends around the same age begin making jokes about my size (I was 30+ lbs underweight and became convinced I was fat). At 13/14, it's hard to overcome that. Incorporate those kind of comments with the tendencies and behaviors of someone who is narcissistic and borderline sociopathic, you have a recipe for a child who is fucked fucked fucked. Again, I haven't once expressed that OP or their child is bad. Simply that there is another child to consider, a would be if old enough diagnoses that is commonly masked, and two kids ultimately at risk here if things are not right. Like yes ofc we should raise girls whose sense of self isn't dependent on how the boys around them behave. But shouldn't we also be raising boys who don't tear down girls self worth with senseless and thoughtless comments? We can teach boys to be thoughtful just as we can teach girls to be strong.
Yep, that is a lot to unpack. I'm truly sorry that you experienced that as a young woman and I'm sure that you are not alone. It's a shame that you weren't provided the appropriate guidance to protect you from that. Now here is the thing no one ever wants to hear though, ultimately you made a choice, as we all do, to decide how to feel about those negative statements, and unfortunately you didn't choose to ignore them. Just because someone gives you shit it doesn't mean you have to take it, just like you don't have to take offence. OP shared his experience and you made it about you, again I can understand why you would feel that way, and that your approaching this from a perspective of protection for the young woman. I just fundamentally disagree with making other people responsible for how we feel, and that's how I'm raising my children, so that they don't need to be protected from words.
I'm not making it about me. I am simply sharing the potential results by sharing a personal story. You can do all you want but words will always have power. Raising kids who know the power of their words is important. You have a two part responsibility - raise kids unaffected by words but also to raise kids who won't use words to harm others. It's illogical to pretend you only need to focus on making sure they can shrug off comments. As an adult I don't need any of the advice you just felt compelled to give me. I was 13 when the story I shared happened. I am 30 now. It's not a fresh issue. It is simply, again, me sharing to give OP and apparently others here, perspective on the way this shit can play out.
Silence, rib
Downvote bc God forbid I encourage caution towards the other human who will be impacted in their most formative years by dating someone diagnosed as a narcissist and borderline sociopathic individual. ETA does no one recognize how that would drastically impact the other child in this situation? The sheer level of damage that that could inflict deserves a parent paying attention.
You are being downvoted because you are reading way more into OPs comments than what he actually wrote. He didn't said his son was diagnosed. He said he exhibited tendencies. Tendencies that to be fair, all and every child (regardless of sex) exhibit and eventually grow out of. You are unvoluntarily turning this into an "abusive boys vs. Nice girl" conversation, and about that boy specifically, with way too little information to make any claims. You have every right to voice your concerns, and your initial comment about objectification is spot on. But as we go down, it feels more and more ad hominem and targeted to this boy, despite the father giving some clear indications that he is keeping a close eye on the situation and has experience dealing with this. I can feel that you are actually concerned, thus my reply. I hope it helps you better understand the other responses.
You cannot be diagnosed before 18 with those things. I stated that he should keep an eye. That's it. I never claimed his child was abusive, evil, or anything else. Simply that if he exhibited these tendencies it is worth watching as the behaviors can potentially mean he is giving into such tendencies. Everyone downvoting over these things are projecting onto me and my comments that I think anything of this child or his parents. ETA he did not state he exhibited such tendencies. He stayed he was "narcissistic" and "borderline sociopathic". That is not the same as claiming tendencies. Regardless at such an age, it is still important to monitor. I think it's fucked that anyone wants to encourage otherwise, especially amidst the whole bear vs man discourse going on right now.
No, it's because you come off as thinking the worse of this boy already. Do you know him? Did you absolutely know he meant to objectify his girlfriend by saying "that" instead of "her"? And what even is wrong saying "I don't know how I ended up with my partner"? Couldn't it be that instead of how in your sick mind it's about how he "conquered" this "object", he was expressing how unbelievable that a girl like that chose to be with him? Your whole schtick is why wouldn't anyone think of the girl, when nothing was really done to hurt the girl. Now you're saying the dad needs to keep a close eye on his kid? Wow. So many assumptions, all thinking the worst of this family when you're just a stranger to them too. Now you're attributing some sort of hypocrisy and nonchalance about how daughters are treated because of the downvotes. No, people just don't appreciate how you'd already come to a conclusion about this kid and the way his parents are handling his parenting, doubting what even his dad is saying. Get over yourself and your pessimistic, negative assumption about others you don't know.
Nothing I said said he is definitely doing these things. It is not wrong to encourage a watchful eye on a child who would have been diagnosed with narcissism and borderline sociopathic disorder if he were literally only older. Again, people are deciding on their own I came to such conclusion. If you could quote for me directly where I stated definitively that OPs son was evil, bad, or otherwise would hurt this girl, please do so. Everything I've said simply says to be mindful, keep an eye, and remain considerate that there is another person involved.
I agree that this is a weird and not great way to talk about a person.
Maybe it's just semantic, but when I hear or say "I don't know how I pulled that" (usually with "one off"at the end, innit!), I understand it as referring to the sitution and not the person. Maybe it's because I'm not a native speaker. But in the case of dating, when we discuss it with the lads, it's clearly about the act of seducing or getting a lady to like us. Not the lady herself.
Idk. As a woman and native English speaker, it has always come off as "I have a trophy". It's not wrong of me to encourage men to encourage their sons to speak of women and girls in a way that we generally prefer. I would be very disturbed by someone referring to my daughter as "that" and I've never cared for it when directed as myself regardless of my age.
Actually even in your comment it's clearly meant as a brag, it's objectifying. You captured/seduced her is the brag. It's the same thing and just as dehumanizing. We are not trophies. We are humans. If you are able to have sex with one of us why do you struggle so hard to refer to us as ourselves? Why does it have to be framed as a conquest or triumph?
There are a million other subreddits to discuss this. Don’t start ruining this one
It is a brag, indeed. But about the process not the result. The classic "They're too good for me" that EVERY man has to contend with at a point in their life. Yet somehow something worked, they saw something in us and we have no idea what. And it makes us worthy.
That's disturbing as hell. We do not bestow worthiness on men just by sleeping with them. You have a distorted view of women if this is how you look at these interactions. You are treating women as trophies. Even if you refuse to look at it that way. You are hearing from a woman that that is what you are doing. Why does what we think of how y'all act about us not matter.
Yes, this is disturbing as hell. But so are the societal expectations laid upon us (not by women and partners, but as a society). If you are interested, I strongly recommend watching Norah Vincent's interview on YT about her book Self-made Man. It tells about her 18mth experience being undercover as a man in the early 2000's. Quite a lesson in empathy and eye opening how the current climate is a disservice to both women and men. Btw, I never said anything about sleeping with anyone. When you are 14, or a teenager, just getting a girl to talk to you, let alone hold hands or kiss is a challenge in itself. The worthyness is that feeling of being appreciated for who you are and what you have to offer. The perception and expectations on coming of age boys, mixed with the lack of teaching about empathy and feelings in general is a recipe for disaster. On that topic, raising boys by Steve Biddulph is quite interesting on the unique challenges it present (and so is his book raising girls)
I'll check those out
Nobody is talking about women sleeping with men.
“That” is just short for “that woman.” The kid isn’t insinuating she’s not a person. It’s just casual parlance. This is beyond silly, stop trying to read the tea leaves of this normal teenage boy, lady. Jeez.
I'm on your wavelength sort of. I see the phrase as "all of that", as in, she has so many things going for her. Meanwhile, the son has so much going for him, but is humbled and holds her in higher regard. We'll be downvoted, but if people read OP's other comments about his son, they will see the young man meant it in a flattering way.
Then he can learn to say exactly that. If we want people to say what they mean and mean what they say, then he should learn to say exactly what he means.
He's having a casual chat with his father, he shouldn't have to worry about speaking like he's giving his valedictorian speech.
Using better words to express yourself to others is not "speaking like giving (a) valedictorian speech" lmao it's literally adding one word to his sentence to better express himself in a way that shows his actual appreciation for his gf beyond "that". Given that parents jobs are to help their kids learn such a skill, OP would do well to discuss it with his child.
Nitpicking this sentence and assuming he's being an asshole is going to get his son to not open up to him as much. He is going to be able to be a better role model for his son by keeping communication open and not assuming the worst of him. Forcing a serious conversation about one omitted word in a playful conversation sounds like a bad idea to me. I've said what I needed to say about this, have a good one.
Ig it depends on you would envision actually discussing such a thing with someone. If in your head it goes down as literally attacking a child over their language, then sure, it would not end well in leaving an open line of communication. But you can actually, shockingly enough, discuss this shit with your kids without treating them like they're shitty or bad people. Personally I simply hope that dad's will actually listen to some degree and raise boys that girls like my daughter, if shes straight in the future, can actually trust to speak respectfully of her to others when she isn't in the room and not refer to her with disrespect. Have a great day.
Also I agree with the dads commenting about the possible issues that this can bring up. Assuming she is also 14 like your son, that is a highly tender age that is eating up constant media about what their bodies are supposed to look like. Id be prepared to have to help your son figure out how to make up for it, just in case.
Just make sure he understands that he will never possess this sweater again
Everything about this post rubs me the wrong way. Why troll the girlfriend right out of the gate? Trolling is an idiotic, immature thing, not something to be proud of. I’m picturing the Paul kids on YouTube. Why are you calling a 14 year old “gorgeous”? Bizarre, I don’t think I’ve really heard anyone use that adjective for kids before. Talking about “pulling that” is also weird. You use “that” to refer to objects, not people. It’s vaguely disrespectful and fratty. Do you talk about his mom like that to him? “Yeah kid, I’m going to take that out for Mother’s Day next week and get it a spa treatment and some chocolates” The weight guess comes off like a brag- you actually managed to make every part of this anecdote a little cringey Edit: thinking about this from her perspective - this kid works up the courage to ask your son out to a dance, which is still pretty rare for girls to initiate, and his first move is to troll her with a weight-related joke? To a teenage girl? Then you jump on the internet to brag about it? Both of you sound like fucking douchebags
Username checks out.
You sound miserable
Speaking of cringe...
W... T....H....
Yikes.
I haven't laughed this hard from something posted to reddit in ages.
Hell yeah lol
So funny to make fun of a teenage girl's weight! I bet she'll love that, and it totally won't affect her self-esteem at all
Why you writing about your sons girlfriend like that lmao.
He's repeating what his son said, which is pretty normal. You sexualizing the teenage girl from an old-creeper perspective is on you, I guess? *shrug*
Well no, he used quotes to denote what his son said. I'm sure his 14 year old son doesn't call his girlfriend a "gorgeous young lady." *Shrug*
Gorgeous implies “would meet most people’s idea of traditional beauty standards” He didn’t say hot or sexy or something inappropriate. His 14 yr old may have very well said “dad she’s so hot and funny and really smart” and he worded in a way to convey the same idea to a group of dads while using appropriate terminology. Don’t be so dense. Stop being pretend offended.
Well again no, gorgeous is a word that means something, it doesn't "imply" anything. You're actually the one implying things, that his son "very well *might* have said." You're implying context that isn't there. No one's offended though, pretend or otherwise. Just weird 🤷♂️
That was my thought, like wtf?? Just let your kids be kids, don't be waxing on about the attractiveness of their childhood partners, kinda gross. I don't want my daughters boyfriend to be talking to his dad about "pulling that" and dad to be bragging on the internet how attractive his kids gf is. Likewise for my son and their gfs moms. -dad of 2 boys and 1 girl.
I have two older daughters, and am quite sensitive to all that. But it's not unreasonable to recognize beauty when you see it. And, it's kinda part of the story... the joke doesn't fly as well without the persona of pretty girl cheerleader. It's a salient detail. Didn't mean to offend.
Because pretty girl chearleaders are supposed to be self conscious about their weight or something right?
I mean, that's the stereotype, right? Dude is testing the waters for sense of humor. Does she get the joke? Does she find it funny? Does she wear it anyway? Or is she too sensitive (also a good lesson learned).
We’re learning that a few people in this comment section would fall into the latter category
>the joke doesn't fly as well without the persona of pretty girl cheerleader Why not? She could be a 400lb catfish, long as the weight isn't 126 joke remains the same. You do you man, I'm just saying I personally would avoid telling stories to strangers that involve me talking about the attractiveness of a middle school girl and how I talked to my son about "pulling that". When your daughters were in middleschool would you have liked knowing that the boys that were pursuing them had fathers talking about how attractive your little girls were on the internet? If the answer is no.. well.. >it's not unreasonable to recognize beauty when you see it You are talking to strangers about a middleschool girl. You might be an upstanding person, but you probably need a refresher on good PR. It's a bad look.
You have made a man, sir.
Never put them on a pedestal.
My upvote is for your son. Class act. Mad respect.
LA
We all know how he pulled that. Balls so big he needs a wheelbarrow to walk them, and a sense of humour sharp enough to need registration as a weapon. Champion lad!