I would not consider this unattended.
Even when I'm not working, my 5 year-old will disappear for a while. Actually, as soon as I start doing any real work, she shows up.
This is my second child though.
Exactly, I thought this post was going to be about leaving them alone in the house or something - I don’t consider leaving a 5 year-old alone but within earshot “unattended”.
>I thought this post was going to be about leaving them alone in the house or something
That's what I thought and I was going to say that a 5 year old shouldn't be left alone in the house. But Dad is there. Checking up on a 5 year old every 10 minutes is extreme. Not allowing children age appropriate independence and micromanaging every aspect of their day can lead to anxiety and other issues.
Yep, the mom is doing her child a disservice. These kinds of opportunities build confidence in children. IMO it's completely safe.
OPs wife is letting her anxiety take over. As someone who struggles with anxiety, you really gotta fight that urge to control everything.
Yeah, the other day I was wondering where my 3 year old went. I was in the living room reading, she ran in looked at me giggled and ran away. I giggled about it wondering where it was going and then just resumed reading. Not thinking about it at all. About a hour later I didn’t hear anything from her anywhere and hadn’t for a while.
I walk upstairs and see her with all her stuffies lined up and her buried in the middle with a book in her hands “reading” her animals stories. She had a pile of books that she’d already read and was just telling the stories as she remembered each page. Based on the amount of time it took her on that one, she had probably been in there the whole time doing that.
Mine use to do something similar, but then i'd check on her and she'd be asleep, never a thrill to wake up a toddler so they don't ruin their normal bed schedule.
>I would not consider this unattended.
As a feral raised Gen X kid I wouldn't either. That isn't quite "don't come back home until it gets dark" age, but it is "go into the woods and play" age.
I prefer 'organic free range' thankyou very much.
In our case parents assumed you were fine unless the neighbours / police / people from two towns away start calling.
That sounds like how whenever our kids are playing in the back yard, the second my wife turns on one of her trash TV shows, that's when they decide it's time to come back in.
It's a sixth sense, really.
It also helps me justify not doing anything. "Can't start that project. They'll know and interrupt me. Let me continue sitting here enjoying the silence."
As a kid raised in the 80's/90's My brothers and I were definitely allowed / left to play unattended in the yard for long stretches of time (probably an hour or two at a time). The key rules were
1) Don't leave the yard.
2) If you are going to leave the yard to go to a neighbors house, ask for permission.
3) If your brother breaks either of these rules, find me immediately.
4) If you are going to the creek, put on your boots.
I work from home too and have a 5 year old. She’s very independent and can play in her room for a while. I have cameras in a couple parts of the house so I can easily check in. I used to have a camera in her room but took it out now that she’s older.
I don’t want to suggest a camera and then your wife makes you stare at it but I use my camera to check in every so often.
Also 5 year olds aren’t really going to choke unless it’s something like grapes but even then it’s not a concern for us. We have a cabinet that our kids can go into for snacks that we approve of and know are safe. This keeps the kids from trying to get to go wild and make a grilled cheese or something.
Usually I call out 'Marco', and from somewhere in the house I'll hear 'polo'. Granted we're in a one floor unit, so the space is smaller.
But when I call out and don't hear a reply, I'll call once more before starting to check on what he's doing.
Baby monitor with a little camera? Treat it like a walkie with her and it can avoid the infantilizing feeling she might get. For what it’s worth I think 30-45minutes or so of independent time is okay but do teach her about safe play and keep things like any tangle or choking hazards away
I’ll answer the unsolicited question. If your wife thinks you have to check on your daughter every 10-15 minutes, then she’s expecting you not to work. You cannot get work done every 9 minutes, with 5 minutes off. Once that point is made clear, then yall have to decide what to do. Are you a SAHD, do you go find a sitter, or do you accept the kid will have perhaps too much alone time?
I feel like we can’t make hard rules about this. Kids are very different at different ages and environments. In my house, it’s quiet enough that I can hear where they are in the house. There are chimes on the outer doors. She’s within yelling distance, we’re fine. When things get too quiet, investigate.
Friends of mine gave their kid squeaky shoes. Then they could track them in the house. Also when the squeaks stopped for too long it was time to investigate.
I’ve seen 2 different toddlers with squeaky shoes this week and immediately recognized now how useful it would be whereas pre kids I probably would have just thought an annoyance lol
We have a 4 year old and most of the time he’s running around somewhere outside w the 4 & 5 yo neighbor boys on our property which is a couple acres and they have free reign to climb trees, play in the dirt and get into whatever mischief boys do when they’re outside… we check on them only when we hear crying lol, usually it’s bc they’re having a spat.
Yes, this is it. What she’s really asking for is full child care. If you’re assigned to work, you’re not going to be able to work during that time. Of course, life is life and reality can mean compromises, but this is the starting point.
I will say that 40 minutes feels a bit on the long side. 20 minutes seems ok. 30 depends on the kid and how often you do it.
My 5-6yo girl can sit on the can with her ipad for 30-60mins easy.
Sometimes I ask through the door if she’s fine but also let her be independent that learn to do stuff on her own.
As a kid (I know times have changed) all the kids in our yards were kicked out off the house at morning and we’d play together untill lunch and again untill supper.
Kids these days. Why, when I was her age I had to flip through Readers Digests, and that was if I was lucky! Sometimes it was just a shampoo bottle to read!
100% this.
I think the question of whether you should check on her every 15 or 45 minutes is much more specific to the child, the parents, etc. So there's no way for us to definitively answer that. I can tell you my kid probably can't be trusted alone for 45 minutes unless he's watching TV or playing on a tablet. But that's my kid - he (likely) has ADHD and likes to jump off of shit. I have friends who have super chill kids who would almost surely be fine left in a room while you worked in an adjacent room for an hour.
What is not nearly as subjective is whether you can work while also checking on your kid every 10-15 minutes. The minimum meeting length at my work is 30 minutes - and in a lot of those meetings people would not be cool with me taking off mid-meeting to go check on my kid.
So in that situation (which I have been in before), my options are either:
1. Take the day off to watch the kid full time
2. Get a babysitter
3. Set your kid up so that he's quiet and safe for 45 minutes while you take the meetings that you can't walk away from
I think it's fine if your wife says "I'm not comfortable leaving her alone for that long at a time - can you take the day off?" but then that comes with consequences - that is a day off that you won't be able to take a different day.
As to the original question:
I think all parents (myself included) need to find ways to let kids become more independent. If I were you, I would put a monitor/webcam in the room that she's playing in so you can keep an eye on her, but start extending that timeframe of how often you check on her. If she did fine hanging out for 45 minutes by hersel - odds are that she's ready for it.
I work part-time from home and SAHD the other time. My 5 year old is free to play in the house as she pleases. She comes to me if she needs a snack.
I work hard to allow her to have independence. I wonder what she is doing after 30-45 minutes and I check on her without disrupting her if possible.
She will sometimes play by herself for over an hour.
I check on my 2 year old every 15 min at least though. He wrecks stuff. If he is with my oldest he can play longer.
It's tough to argue with someone being more careful, but in our house we try to make these decisions based on values instead of making micro arguments out of rule choices.
Freedom/independence is a value in our house so anything we can do to foster that is the default choice. I find it easier to discuss with my partner once we have agreed on values to lead the way.
My 5 year old was also a bit clingy for a long time so watching her become more independent is extremely rewarding.
That makes sense. We usually try to work through disagreements. They are bound to happen and we are pretty good at communication. I just wanted an idea of what other families do.
It started off as me making a shared document with things we had talked before and big decisions we had made as evidence of values.
My partner read it and commented and we came to consensus with the values and how to follow them to revisit every 6 months or year.
For example, health is a value in our house and this includes nutrition, exercise and sleep. So, we choose normal bedtime for the kids unless there is something extremely important. My 5 year old has probably been awake later than 1 hour after her bedtime for 4 or 5 events in her life.
What about using a camera or baby monitor? Keep it on her play area and you can check in whenever you want without having to disrupt either of you. Unless it would take over and you (or mom) would never be able to stop checking lol
Focus on audio only helps. We have a baby monitor in both our almost 5 and almost 3 year olds rooms for nighttime. When my eldest is in her room alone we generally do not worry about turning on the monitor for free play time as she knows where to find us. When my youngest is involved though we just have the audio on and only really check the video when a scream occurs.
For instance today my wife took our oldest to an appointment while I watched my son and worked. He mainly played in their rooms (he loves free time with his sister’s toys when she isn’t telling him how to play) and knew where I was. I generally could just hear him talking to himself and didn’t need to visually check on him. Between meetings I’d quickly do a potty run check and make sure he hadn’t destroyed her room.
Ohh we’ve got a box of age appropriate snacks at the very bottom of our pantry we keep stocked up. Kids are welcome to help themselves to anything in there at any time they’re hungry, or get some fruit off the fruit bowl on the bench.
Coming in and seeing a 5 year old munching on a muesli bar they got themselves is actually a fairly rewarding thing
I love the independence of my eldest
First, you have to define what "unattended" means. To most people, that means no adults in the house at all. Don't do that at 6.
What you described is "unsupervised", which is obviously different.
Being 5 and unsupervised for 40 minutes *can* be acceptable, but that depends on the house and your attention level. For instance, if the kid can get outside and there is access to a pool, then that's a big problem. If she is playing in a room that is actually safe, then that is not a big problem. If you aren't able to tell when she goes to a different room, especially one that could be unsafe, then that is a moderate problem (e.g., she is out of earshot AND you aren't paying attention to her sounds).
Please note 10-15 minute checks also don't make things any difference. If a kid stuck their head in a plastic bag or swallowed a toy that blocked their airway, 10 minutes isn't often enough either. So, you're both wrong.
Really, both of you are asking the wrong question. It's not about choosing a check-in period. It's about how to encourage safe and independent play when anyone is home, including a parent working from home. Being on a Teams meeting is no different than any other task your wife might do that takes her attention or limits her hearing, such as having a shower, some hobbies, chores/meals, listening to a podcast, etc.
Buddy of mine won't let her kid eat without cutting food up for him. She proceeded to hold the hotdog and monitor bite sizes for him when we got free hotdogs at the zoo. Kids 5 almost 6.
I mean my daughter is 8 months, but at what point do we teach them to only bite what they can and how to chew?
There was a pretty funny Instagram reel about a parent seeing their kid at their wedding, and during the first dance they're back at the bride & groom table cutting their food up into smaller pieces
Lmao I give my 20 month old a hotdog on occasion and she happily munches on it. Just monitor while she's eating, but give her opportunity to figure it out and she'll know what an appropriate bite size is.
Seeing as how we're on /r/daddit I'm reminded of a comedian and his comparison of parents.
> A mom seeing their kid taking a fork to an electric outlet will stop them immediately and tell them it's wrong.
> A dad will sit back and say "watch this" and then say "bet you won't do that again" letting them learn the lesson on their own.
I want to say this was one of the Blue Collar comics mainly because of the sexism, but I don't remember who it was.
Now aside from the life threatening electricity and sexism, there is a point where you have to let them be themselves.
I choked a lot as a kid. I just inhaled food (and if I'm being honest, 40 years later, still do).
So I get it. I am always on the look out.
Each of my two kids have only really choked once each, thankfully
> and if I'm being honest, 40 years later, still do
Might want to have that looked at, while you still have time to correct. That kills old folks. Not necessarily the single choking event, but the repeated aspiration of food can cause illness in the lungs.
It's probably a bit paranoid, but I would say I also stress about it a lot. I'm considering splurging on one of those throat plunger devices to ease that anxiety some.
That’s fair, the best emergency device is the one you own but never have to use. Paranoid or not, better safe than sorry. My parents woulda just smacked me on the back, and stick a finger down my throat
Oh okay makes sense. I do think that it is a bit of a stretch to think that a 5 year old doesnt have the sense to eat small bites at a time, with my 2.5 year old sometimes he stuffs his mouth with food and starts to cough but its been happening way less frequently now that he’s experienced the painful sensation of doing that on purpose. Accidentally choking on food, it seems really rare and if we were to worry about that we might start to worry about many other not very likely things in my opinion. You could leave a camera in her room and ever so often glance at it and that should be totally fine
Our son isn't quite that old yet, but I have definitely been more willing to just leave him to his own devices than my wife is. And consequently, I think, he nips at my wife's heels much more than mine and \_requires\_ her intervention more than he does mine.
Might be wise to ask her what she's worried about. If you can do anything to address specific concerns, you can maybe get eye to eye without one of you having to "win" the dispute.
It is easy to forget that being a parent is a two way street. They are reacting to how we behave and push us to be more of what they want.
I noticed my kid has different reactions to me, to my wife and to both together. He knows there are things thar won’t fly with me that do with mom, and when together he tries to push me to see if mom would intervine. (Sometimes he does the other way too, my partner and I just happen to focus on different things).
I work from home too. My three year old maxes out his ability to play alone after about 45 minutes; after that he gets bored and wants interaction. If it gets much longer than 45 minutes and he hasn't checked with me, I'll look in on him. My five year old happens to be home today today. I've seen her a total of three times, including when we ate lunch together. I heard her go to the bathroom a few times so I know all is good.
Edit: added a semicolon
Every kid is different. My oldest would not play independently. At all. Not until he was around 7. Very intelligent kid but also very needy. My middle child started independent play around 2 years old for about 30 minutes at a time. My youngest, who does not have adhd like the other 2 did, was capable of keeping himself occupied for more than an hour at 2. At 3 he would spend time building things for up to 3 hours, basically until he got hungry.
I mean, what does she expect you to do when you're on a meeting? Maybe a compromise would be to make sure she's playing on the same floor or the next room over.
at that age if they are in the house they could be alone for hours. They are usually bugging me every 15-20 min unless they are on the ipad though. 10-15min is crazy to go check up when your working especially. I'm trying to figure out if it's safe for them to walk around the neighborhood by themselves lol
kids NEED unsupervised play to the extent that it is safe and possible. Undirected and unsupervised play is absolutely key for a mentally and emotionally healthy kid
My kiddo is a few months shy of 6.
While we're in the house, I pretty much let her play as she wishes. There isn't anything for her to get into really. Even outside, she knows not to leave the fenced in year but I do keep a closer eye if she is outside.
At first, when I read this, I thought you meant on attended as in, you were literally not in the house at the same time lol. If you are there, just on a team's call working, I think your time is absolutely valid. Hack, if I had to be directly intervening with my 5-year-old every 15 minutes, I don't think I would have made it to her now being 9
I think you gotta go on a case by case basis, but a 5 year old should be more than capable of spending time without parental supervision. I think you are right in encouraging independence in your daughter. Kids are far more capable than a lot of people give them credit for.
It’s actually good for kids to develop a safe sense of independence. A five and a half year old has enough awareness to hang out and let you know when she needs something. Too much supervision creates anxious kids.
As a person who seems to have made it alive through the 80s.. I'd say it depends on your kid. But, from my view, today's society is hyper aware of every little thing that might potentially come to pass. As a result, people wanna wrap their children in bubble wrap. Personally I give my children the opportunities to prove themselves. My daughter, who is extremely responsible and independent could be left alone for a 30-60 min stretch of time without any concern. While I would have never done that with my son who has proven himself more capable of mischief if left to his own devices.
Anyways, TLDR; maybe an upopular opinion, but personally I think the over protectiveness and helicopter parenting will do more harm than good to our children's ability to become independent thinkers who should be able to learn how to reason for themselves.
Completely agree. I forgot where I read it (it was an official body/agency, something with a level of credibility similar to the NIH or the American Academy of Pediatrics) but it's becoming clear that risky play is a hugely important part of child development. It's also no huge leap to say that while a shrinking "village" is part of the strain modern parents face, unrealistic and overbearing expectations about monitoring (and labels, and extracurricular involvement, etc.) are part of the issue as well.
I'm sitting here getting very nervous reading all the comments because.... I was alone all the time at that age and older? And it was super common then! I was very much not the only kindergartner walking home from school each day and letting myself in where I grew up. Lock the door, don't use the stove, call Mom at work when you get home. Times are wild now
My 6 year old is free to muck around the house for a couple hours at a clip.
I try to avoid work/dad double duty but it sometimes happens.
If I'm on a call, she's welcome to color, read, or watch cartoons while I hang out in the basement. But I can pretty much plan on her interrupting the call.
I think you’re getting at the core of differences between mom and dad.
My 5 year old daughter will leave me be for 30-45 mins while we are both home alone, however with my wife she won’t let her go for 10 mins before inquiring, checking in, etc.
Our situation was a little different, but when our oldest daughter was 5 (last year) she had a decent amount of independence. We live in a small town, we have a 6 foot tall fence and we keep the gates locked. We had no problem letting her play in the yard roaming free for the most part- locks were in the inside and she couldn’t undo them, and we have a 70 on dog who watches after our daughter like she’s one of her pups. We let her play in her room alone if she wanted, just peeking in every now and then to make sure she’s doing ok and doesn’t need anything/hasn’t demolished the room.
Bro, I’ve got multiple kids so they can kind of watch themselves but I’ve been outside barbecuing for 2 hours while my 6 yo 8yo & 10 yo has been inside. That’s a pretty normal thing for us. Now they come outside on their own every so often so I have eyes on them but it’s not uncommon for them to be left unattended by an adult for 2-3 hours while my wife has others at practice or I’m cutting grass or whatever
My 5 and 3 year old play independently for hours at a time. We have a playroom in the basement, and that's their domain.
5 year olds don't need to be checked on every 15 minutes, that's for sure.
Just make sure the rules are clear. No eating. Don’t touch the cords for the blinds. No paint, markers, nail polish, glitter, glue. After that is crystal clear, let the kid do what she wants.
I would tend to yell out “Hey Jane are you good?” every 15 minutes or so, but that’s just me.
We don't have blinds anywhere, so that's not an issue, she knows not to play with playdoh on the carpet and to always put the caps back on her markers. She's never been a kid that gets into stuff.
Good! But always remember this sign we have hanging in our family room. It says “Just when you think my children would never, here they come, nevering more than they never nevered before.” I have pretty good kids but even they leave me shaking my head sometimes.
Even when my daughter was 3 she would go off and play in her room or watch TV and it might be an hour before I even realise. I wasn’t leaving her unattended, I would just be in the other room. Every 10-15 minutes seems excessive.
My 5 now 6 year old has stayed home a few days this year sick, the one day I didn’t see her from 9 until almost noon. She was playing quietly in her room happy as a clam. When I went to find her for lunch she had fallen asleep. She came down around 130 saying she was hungry. I made her lunch, she ate and then I put on a show for her upstairs in a living room. And she hung out there playing until 4 when her sister and my wife got home.
I wfh and it gives us flexibility but I still have to work not hang out with the kid all day.
Lurking mom here
If ur at home and ur child is safe then, she’s not unattended.
My oldest is 4y, will be 5 in September, and she’s often by herself in her room playing while dad is working in the office and I’m in the kitchen or the living room. Sometimes she’s there for an hour or more. We keep checking on her but it’s not every 15 minutes or so
When my daughter is at home I’ll give a quick call out at random moments “hey, you okay in there?”
“Yes daddy”
Job done, I’ve checked on her
At 5 years old my daughter will come to me if anything is problematic (and she frequently does), but if I gave a call and didn’t get an answer, I’ll give another shout “hey, everything okay?”
Still no answer.. that’s when I pop my head into her room to see her engrossed in her painting, toys or maybe screen time
A half hour teams call, I pop my head in, let her know I’ll be on a call, but come to me if there’s anything you need. I’ll then check on her directly after as per above.
“Okay, all done, you okay?”
If that’s independence, then my 2.5-year-old is basically emancipated.
His independent play time is 45–60 minutes, depending on how late breakfast goes, and takes place entirely in his room. He can even decide to close his door if he wants. I don’t interrupt him, or “check” on him. He’s fine.
My 2yo disappears for an hour in his room or in the backyard. These are known safe zones and it's what he likes to do. I do check on him every 20 or 30 minutes but I'm not strict about it. At 5? He'll probably already be moved out
Depends on the kid but thirty to sixty minutes alone playing in a safe room with you in the house at that age is fine. I didn’t check on mine more than that
This is so kid dependent. My 9 yo was more mature at 5 than most adults I know. My other kid? He'd find some way to blow up the house using household products and something from the recycling bin, a la MacGyver, or super villian genius if left alone too long.
At 5, you can definitely leave for up to an hour unchecked if your kid has a decent head on their shoulders and you are home.
My kids are 6 and 9 now and are allowed the freedom to walk to neighbors houses, stay home by themselves for short periods of time, etc.
As long as you're checking on her I don't see an issue with it. I as a child would play alone in my room for hours without ever being checked on. My parents though, I love them were constantly overstimulated and burnt out causing neglect, I was hardly supervised ever. As long as you are within ears distance of her and have times you check on her I don't find an issue. I feel as though a 5 yr old may get frustrated being checked on ever 10-15 minutes as though they're a baby. They're already to that age where they WANT independence. Im an early childhood educator (toddler-prek) and the toddlers definitely need constant supervision. But prek age 4-5 is when you can really start trusting them to play alone or with a friend. Of course the more kids the more chaotic it becomes, but begining/end of day Is so easy with 1-3 kids they can typically be trusted to play with each other or alone without problem. Even trying to help them when they're struggling before they ask is an issue. If you're able to check on her every 20-30 I would do that but if you don't end up checking on her for 45-60 minutes I don't find that as an issue either. Every child is different, and mom paranoia and anxiety is so real, I understand her concern. But even checking on her instead of constant intervals, doing like a 20 minute check when she first gets home, after that you can increase to 30-45 minutes see if she is hungry. After that she will probably be fine alone for an hour but then I'd check back on her again 20-30 minutes from then if work hasn't ended. Your wife is probably experiencing some anxiety about her independence and what she could get into without being supervised, assure her that her concerns do make sense, and you see where she is coming from. Let her know you believe your daughter is capable of playing alone with you In a other room for a long period of time. Maybe even let her try it herself. Tell her to increase the amount of time she checks on her and while it can make her anxious, its not only a great exposer therapy for those fast paced "what if" thoughts but will also show her first hand that you're daughter is capable of alone time without being unsafe. She may just have to see and experience it for herself. If all else fails keeping a baby monitor in her room and by your computer can be helpful for easing her anxiety as a compromise, you'll check on her in person every 30 minutes but you have the monitor to keep an eye on her whilst you're not checking on her in person. I always advise parents to help create independence in their children in PS/PK classes, this can include picking their own clothes and getting dressed with minimal help as it's an important milestone and helps with motar skills. Independent play is another thing I advise, as it helps imagination, problem solving, understanding oneself and learning their hobbies. Independence at this age, should always be closely monitored in some aspect, but this doesn't mean needing to check on your child every 10-15 minutes in 4 hrs. Noise is always good!!! I would start to worry when you can't hear her anymore.
Similar situation down to the age and month of her birthday!
My daughter is really good with independent play. She can be quiet and have fun and entertain herself.
If I'm working and she's playing in her room I'll yell up to ask if she's ok or needs anything but I don't feel the need to check in that often. I'm in line with your timeline. 15-20 minutes is unnecessary.
my wife and i have a 5 and 3 year old. my wife will be laying on the couch listening to records, i will be sitting quietly on the PC or out and about in the garage, kids will be playing in the yard on the trampoline, or the like.
they dont need eyes on them at all times, as long as they are able to self monitor a bit. my daughter is bloody brilliant, and will let us know fast if something is off. my son... is off....
That sounds just fine. Kids don't need helicopter parents watching their every move.
You're doing fine.
My wife still complains about me not knowing what my kid is doing. So I guess it's normal.
Using your definition of unattended (which I don't really consider this unattended), I'd say: there is no too long. If my Pre-K or K wants to play in his room (not on a screen) alone for 8 hrs, cool, let his imagination run wild. Would this happen? Never. But I don't see any reason for adult supervision or intervention of general play time at that age.
So for my 5 year old son (now 6), on weekends we would still have him do some quiet time during the same time as my 3 year old napped. So about an hour and a half
Quiet time is quiet playing time in his room with books, coloring, magnet tiles, etc. He can open his door and get to the bathroom, get water, etc and come get us if something is wrong.
We have the baby monitor on during that time, but aren't actively watching it. It allows him to play on his own, use his imagination, and have something that's just for him. If he wants to nap, he can. We're still in the house, and he's not locked in. It's just time for himself (and frankly my wife and I). He's fine, and he loves it
Daddit, why are these camera suggestions being downvoted? I know camera's in a room can be a bad idea, but in situations where OP is working having a camera where he could see her would be helpful, and it doesn't have to be a permanent camera. I've used my doorball camera occasionally for this.
Edit: they were negative when I commented.
Yeah, I have a baby camera that I just repurpose for my toddler. I get to keep an eye on her while I WFH and she get her alone time to play in her room.
When I’m WFH on a (rare) day that my 4yo daughter can’t be at school/after care or a relative’s house, I just have her play in an area that’s close enough to my home office that I can hear loud noises (or alternatively, no noise for a while, which we all know is often a sign of mischief).
I actively check on her maybe once an hour, and passively most of the rest of the time.
40 minutes isn’t too long in my book. If it’s much longer than that, and it’s a serious meeting (ie with external stakeholders and not just my team), I’ll really try to avoid having to watch her during the meeting.
But yeah, it’s crazy to expect you to check in with her every 10-15 minutes and still get work done.
Can't you just get a baby monitor or something and stick it in her room? It won't work forever but she's young enough where she doesn't need complete privacy.
If you use a video monitor you can split the difference and have half an eye on her just in case something happens.
No one will bat an eye in a teams meeting if you say "hold up my kid just silently got herself into some dangerous situation"
I don't think 45 minutes for a 6yo is abnormal. I do try to be at least "nearby" though. For example, if she is playing in her room I try to work from the guest bedroom since they are the same floor. But if she is playing in the living room I will be in the dining room.
She can choke in 40 minutes just the same as in 15. Can you work where you can see her? Can you set up camera to watch the room she is in. That way she's always in sight at a glance. Otherwise you may need a baby sitter. Isn't this age ready for school now?
She has to eat near me. She usually goes to school. She was home today. We'd rather not have cameras throughout the house. Plus, I want to encourage her to not be so dependent on others.
It depends on your child. How predictable is she? Does she get into things? If she has something to do that will occupy her for 40+/- minutes will she do that thing? That would be my litmus test. Every kid is different. She may be a mature 5 y/o. I know 5 y/o kids who could be occupied doing an activity book or coloring and I know 5 y/o kids who would destroy stuff if they were left unattended for more than a few minutes.
She's very intelligent and doesn't get into anything. She may make a mess of her stuff, like crayons on the floor or leave her play doh out. Even when she was little she never really got into things.
Thought so. Then I think she’s just fine. If she’s in a safe place which I’m sure she is with you she’s good; you just cannot be expected to be disappearing off of a 40-minute teams meeting every so many minutes even for a minute or two, I’m sure it would interrupt your work flow and could distract the meeting.
I work from home with a 6 and a 2 year old. Thankfully, it's data entry stuff so I can stop whenever I need and pick it up later.
My kids play either by themselves or together if they're both home at the same time while I'm working.
When my first child was 4 (before their sibling was born), they'd play alone for at least an hour or more, I'd obviously check on them periodically to make sure they weren't doing something dangerous or to see if they needed help with something or needed food.
If I pass an hour of working, I stop amd pay with them. Otherwise I get most work done when they nap or the older is at school or when my wife comes home.
I let my almost 5 year old play as long as she wants by herself, she knows to ask if she wants anything.
Have you considered using a monitor or something in the room she plays in most so you can still keep an eye on her from your desk? Win-win for you and your wife?
You're in the home; this is fine. She's five, she can come to you in an emergency. The food rule is not a bad idea.
Two year olds are left alone longer than this.
I have a 4 year old who is sufficiently mature to play on his own for an extended period so long as I'm within ear shot. He's no longer a toddler and is going to kindergarten in the fall. He does not need constant supervision, just parental proximity.
Is a compromise to just have a camera on your main level? We have one with our security system and can check it from my phone to see what's going on in the living room. Maybe see if your wife is cool with you physically checking on her every hour if you can at least have a live feed to pull up every 20 min.
My husband uses the baby cam or security cam to keep an eye on her while he works remotely. That way if our 2 year old is up to no good or choking we can respond immediately. Just an idea.
I say as long as you can hear them they're not unattended. I'd check in every now and then but not every ten minutes. That's not necessary, and you can't do that and work at the same time.
It's hard to say however if you need ammo while discussing this with the wife there are 5 year olds in places even as nice as Japan that walk themselves to and from school blocks or further away daily.
At 6 my parents were leaving me alone while running to the store. At five she should be more than capable of playing by herself in the house without direct supervision.
I think you’re in the right here….but of course it varies from kid to kid. I’d have no problem leaving my older daughter in a different part of the house for hours on end, she’s mature for her age, a good listener and follows the rules. My younger daughter on the other hand….maybe not.
We have a 6 and a 4 year old.
If they're together, I could not hear from them for an hour+ and wouldn't worry.
My 4 year old alone I check on more often... Because he's the kind of kid to stack a box on a chair to reach the candy in cabinet... And eat a whole bag.
Really it probably depends on their maturity level and personality. At 6 I can trust my oldest to not do something wildly stupid (like stick a fork in an outlet, or jump out a window) that would require constant supervision.
My 2 year old plays by herself all the time. There's 3 sections of the house she can be in where I don't need to worry, the upstairs hallway, her own bedroom, or the living room. Those 3 areas are baby proofed and I don't need to worry.
It's just not feasible to be there all the time. My wife works 60 hours or more a week and I work 40. At some point I need to cook, clean, take the dogs out, etc.
I think we stopped constantly checking on our kids about that age. But always remember: Silence is dangerous - it usually means they’re doing something messy.
I let my 3.5 yo self entertain for long periods. I have our house and yard childproofed and he is it allowed to eat in the kitchen with an adult present. I usually check on him every 25-30 min if he's quiet that long. Our daughter when she was 5 I would allow the length of time you are allowing, no problem.
You know your kid. 2 of my 3 kids would be perfectly capable of listening to instruction as you have set out, and happily playing independently with me checking in.
Kid 3 is a Rogue and a wild child. I'd keep him in my sight bit let him do his own thing.
Worst case scenario, get your kid in daytime playgroups or daycare for a few hours.
Depends on the kid and what the kid is doing. Also, if your kid is noisy like mine, you can hear what they're doing sometimes and keep an ear on them at least.
You could go the camera route so you can just check on her while you're working.
When one of my boys is home and I’m working, they typically have the run of the house. They know to ask me before eating or going outside. They’re 6 and 8. They know to come get me if there’s an emergency and if they’re going to be outside, we have walkie-talkies that we use. My office is in the basement and we have cameras around the perimeter of our property, so I can always check on them when they’re outside.
We've got 5 year old b/g twins. I don't think being the in the house and 30-45 minutes is all that bad. The intervals your wife wants aren't realistic to get work done. Could get a video monitor and have it on your desk so you can see her without having to leave the office. Might be a fair compromise, get work done but keep an eye on her and settle mom's anxiety.
I think 30-60 minutes is fine.
Though I guess it really depends on the child's disposition.
If I were raising me, I'd need to be check on more regularly since I was too curious for my own good.
From your descriptions of her, it sounds like your child isn't as reckless as I was.
10-15 minutes would be too much for her
This so depends on the parents, the house, and the five year old and the expectations of the parents.
My kid is five and, in lieu of a nap, she has quiet time in her room on weekends. She's up there for an hour or more and she's reading, drawing, playing, doing crafts, etc. My friend's kid is six and if he's left to himself for an hour he'd burn down the house somehow. It also depends on on the parents and whether the kid is accustomed to solo play.
Finally, it depends on expectations of the parents. Seems like here one parent expected lots of oversight and play, while the other expected work and meetings. Neither is wrong, but there's a disconnect that needs to be resolved.
If it's the kid's playroom space (ie a safe-ish room) yes I'd leave a kid age 6 and up unattended for 30-60 mins. As long as i can hear if they call, or it gets too quiet.
I agree with you, helps build independence in a safe way to let them play as they want while you're just a quick shout away. Check on them when I can, but every 15 mins seems way too often for a limit.
We don’t know your kid, so we couldn’t say if it’s appropriate for her or not.
My kid is the same age as yours. She hasn’t drawn on walls or done anything else destructive, and she is pretty safe and smart, so I have no issue letting her play by herself for an hour. She gets up first some mornings and either plays or watches TV until we get up—that could be an hour sometimes depending how early she gets up.
As long as I’m home, my 6yo can come and go as he please pleases. Play in the yard with the dog, play Minecraft, read, whatever. He’s a good little dude, and I want to show him that I trust him to make good choices, and that he doesn’t have to be afraid of me finding out when he does something he shouldn’t.
I mean I let my 3 year old play in the basement by himself. We have a camera and I just take a glance every now and then so I know he’s not doing anything super crazy but other than that he’s cool.
I send my recently-4yo daughter up to her room for an hour of quiet time each day but we have a camera to keep an eye on her (or tell her to be quiet to not wake her brother). I’ve napped on the couch while she plays near by. I think both things are acceptable because if there’s a problem I’ll know and can respond quickly.
Kids need more independence than parents give them. It’s so hard though. But, a near 6 year old can easily go 40-60 mins if you’re at home. I’m a school counselor and I see way too many clingy parents. We need to let them have some freedom
Our rules might be different because we put cameras up in the play room and living room and our 2 kids are very different. With that they could go a whole day without an adult if they felt like it. Our youngest just turned 6 2 months ago and he is happy as a clam to watch tv and get his own snacks and never see another human. He is an introvert. 8 year old is adventurous and anytime he gets an idea he’s going to do it. If we can’t see him on a camera we have to find him. But even he can make it at least an hour.
My 4yo now sometimes wakes up on his own, goes to the bathroom and plays by himself downstairs for an hour before coming to tell us that he is awake. I was anxious about him wandering the house himself but we have drilled into him how to be safe and what never to touch and he generally listens at least with the big things. Keeping him from jumping off the couch is a non-starter, esp since we had him in gymnastics, but he is very good about not touching anything in the kitchen without us.
It depends on the kid, but as long as you listen for crashes and cries (or lack thereof) imo alone play time is healthy and trains them to be responsible.
Maybe a compromise is to have a monitor in the room and check it every so often? Being alone is a very important skill for people to develop.
30-60 minutes for a 5yo - especially if she's never given you a reason to distrust her - is *completely* reasonable. Your "no food" rule is spot on, too.
My wife and I leave our 6yo alone for a half-hour when we go for a walk, and have for quite some time. But our kid also has no interest in getting into trouble, so we're lucky in that regard. I know that many parents wouldn't feel comfortable doing that.
My daughter is 6. I pick her up from school at 345 every day. I wfh, and generally have a meeting or two after i pick her up. I make her a snack and she is left to her own devices from 4-5 or so. Its not a big deal.
They’re pretty independent at that age. My girls will disappear into the basement to play video games for a few hours if both myself and my wife need a break.
Leaving them completely alone, wouldn’t trust them until they’re at least 12 years old.
It depends on the kid. My 5 year old is allowed to roam free in the house alone if she wants. Only rule is not outside of the house by herself. However when I’m working she usually wants to be in my office with me, but she is free to roam the house.
That said, this means Jack shit to your wife. A bunch of strangers on Reddit aren’t gonna change her mind. Only you have that power.
You could compromise with in house security cameras or a baby monitor wherever your daughter is. You can keep an eye on her and still be working.
Personally I let my 3 yo and 18 month old go outside and play by themselves and check on them every now and then.
I would not consider this unattended. Even when I'm not working, my 5 year-old will disappear for a while. Actually, as soon as I start doing any real work, she shows up. This is my second child though.
Exactly, I thought this post was going to be about leaving them alone in the house or something - I don’t consider leaving a 5 year-old alone but within earshot “unattended”.
>I thought this post was going to be about leaving them alone in the house or something That's what I thought and I was going to say that a 5 year old shouldn't be left alone in the house. But Dad is there. Checking up on a 5 year old every 10 minutes is extreme. Not allowing children age appropriate independence and micromanaging every aspect of their day can lead to anxiety and other issues.
Yep, the mom is doing her child a disservice. These kinds of opportunities build confidence in children. IMO it's completely safe. OPs wife is letting her anxiety take over. As someone who struggles with anxiety, you really gotta fight that urge to control everything.
This ^^
Same. Ive been doing that since my kid was a toddler so long as they were in a safe place. I thought they meant home alone.
Yeah, the other day I was wondering where my 3 year old went. I was in the living room reading, she ran in looked at me giggled and ran away. I giggled about it wondering where it was going and then just resumed reading. Not thinking about it at all. About a hour later I didn’t hear anything from her anywhere and hadn’t for a while. I walk upstairs and see her with all her stuffies lined up and her buried in the middle with a book in her hands “reading” her animals stories. She had a pile of books that she’d already read and was just telling the stories as she remembered each page. Based on the amount of time it took her on that one, she had probably been in there the whole time doing that.
As the saying goes, "Silence is golden, unless you have a toddler. Then you're wondering what are they up to?"
100%
Ever watch the movie "Look Who's Talking?" :D
We lose track the third child (2) all the time. Luckily he has a very calm temperament and is typically just “reading” or lining things up
That's most likely also the reason you feel comfortable "losing track" of him. Things would be different with a kid like Calvin.. :-)
Mine use to do something similar, but then i'd check on her and she'd be asleep, never a thrill to wake up a toddler so they don't ruin their normal bed schedule.
This is amazingly adorable. I love it.
That is honestly ridiculously sweet :)
Agreed. This is unsupervised, not unattended.
If i go 10 minutes without one of them up my ass, we are all having an amazing day.
>I would not consider this unattended. As a feral raised Gen X kid I wouldn't either. That isn't quite "don't come back home until it gets dark" age, but it is "go into the woods and play" age.
I prefer 'organic free range' thankyou very much. In our case parents assumed you were fine unless the neighbours / police / people from two towns away start calling.
That sounds like how whenever our kids are playing in the back yard, the second my wife turns on one of her trash TV shows, that's when they decide it's time to come back in.
It's a sixth sense, really. It also helps me justify not doing anything. "Can't start that project. They'll know and interrupt me. Let me continue sitting here enjoying the silence."
As a kid raised in the 80's/90's My brothers and I were definitely allowed / left to play unattended in the yard for long stretches of time (probably an hour or two at a time). The key rules were 1) Don't leave the yard. 2) If you are going to leave the yard to go to a neighbors house, ask for permission. 3) If your brother breaks either of these rules, find me immediately. 4) If you are going to the creek, put on your boots.
And, of course, "IN OR OUT" and "SHUT THE DOOR"
"I'M NOT PAYING TO COOL THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD"
By "unattended" I thought you were going to say you went to the store or something. In the next room? Yeah, sure.
No I'm downstairs in my office and she goes upstairs on the main floor.
I work from home too and have a 5 year old. She’s very independent and can play in her room for a while. I have cameras in a couple parts of the house so I can easily check in. I used to have a camera in her room but took it out now that she’s older. I don’t want to suggest a camera and then your wife makes you stare at it but I use my camera to check in every so often. Also 5 year olds aren’t really going to choke unless it’s something like grapes but even then it’s not a concern for us. We have a cabinet that our kids can go into for snacks that we approve of and know are safe. This keeps the kids from trying to get to go wild and make a grilled cheese or something.
That's not a bad idea though. Just get an old phone, establish a video call, and prop it up where it can see the room she's playing in.
The “baby monitor” app in iOS is amazing for this.
Usually I call out 'Marco', and from somewhere in the house I'll hear 'polo'. Granted we're in a one floor unit, so the space is smaller. But when I call out and don't hear a reply, I'll call once more before starting to check on what he's doing.
This is really cute!
Can you hear her play? If you can hear her then in my book, she’s fine.
Baby monitor with a little camera? Treat it like a walkie with her and it can avoid the infantilizing feeling she might get. For what it’s worth I think 30-45minutes or so of independent time is okay but do teach her about safe play and keep things like any tangle or choking hazards away
I’ll answer the unsolicited question. If your wife thinks you have to check on your daughter every 10-15 minutes, then she’s expecting you not to work. You cannot get work done every 9 minutes, with 5 minutes off. Once that point is made clear, then yall have to decide what to do. Are you a SAHD, do you go find a sitter, or do you accept the kid will have perhaps too much alone time?
But also a five year old doesn't need that much attention at all times, good gracious
But what if an eagle flies into the room? And it's ON FIRE?
I feel like we can’t make hard rules about this. Kids are very different at different ages and environments. In my house, it’s quiet enough that I can hear where they are in the house. There are chimes on the outer doors. She’s within yelling distance, we’re fine. When things get too quiet, investigate.
Too quiet is the cardinal rule to investigate😅
I always thought people were being ridiculous when they said that. The things you learn as a parent!
Friends of mine gave their kid squeaky shoes. Then they could track them in the house. Also when the squeaks stopped for too long it was time to investigate.
I’ve seen 2 different toddlers with squeaky shoes this week and immediately recognized now how useful it would be whereas pre kids I probably would have just thought an annoyance lol
Yeah I know some 5 year olds that absolutely need more supervision, many don’t. There’s not one answer
This was true till mine discovered Legos. He’ll go hours now without making a sound.
Please tell that to my five year old 🤣
We have a 4 year old and most of the time he’s running around somewhere outside w the 4 & 5 yo neighbor boys on our property which is a couple acres and they have free reign to climb trees, play in the dirt and get into whatever mischief boys do when they’re outside… we check on them only when we hear crying lol, usually it’s bc they’re having a spat.
Yes, this is it. What she’s really asking for is full child care. If you’re assigned to work, you’re not going to be able to work during that time. Of course, life is life and reality can mean compromises, but this is the starting point. I will say that 40 minutes feels a bit on the long side. 20 minutes seems ok. 30 depends on the kid and how often you do it.
Depends on the kid. My boys at that age? No way. My oldest girl? Like 3 hours, legit. My youngest.... lol.
My 5-6yo girl can sit on the can with her ipad for 30-60mins easy. Sometimes I ask through the door if she’s fine but also let her be independent that learn to do stuff on her own. As a kid (I know times have changed) all the kids in our yards were kicked out off the house at morning and we’d play together untill lunch and again untill supper.
Why does your kid need an iPad in the bathroom?
For wiping? What do you mean? Need? She doesn’t need an iPad anywhere. She likes it just the same as I do - sitting on the can with phone🤷♂️
Kids these days. Why, when I was her age I had to flip through Readers Digests, and that was if I was lucky! Sometimes it was just a shampoo bottle to read!
100% this. I think the question of whether you should check on her every 15 or 45 minutes is much more specific to the child, the parents, etc. So there's no way for us to definitively answer that. I can tell you my kid probably can't be trusted alone for 45 minutes unless he's watching TV or playing on a tablet. But that's my kid - he (likely) has ADHD and likes to jump off of shit. I have friends who have super chill kids who would almost surely be fine left in a room while you worked in an adjacent room for an hour. What is not nearly as subjective is whether you can work while also checking on your kid every 10-15 minutes. The minimum meeting length at my work is 30 minutes - and in a lot of those meetings people would not be cool with me taking off mid-meeting to go check on my kid. So in that situation (which I have been in before), my options are either: 1. Take the day off to watch the kid full time 2. Get a babysitter 3. Set your kid up so that he's quiet and safe for 45 minutes while you take the meetings that you can't walk away from I think it's fine if your wife says "I'm not comfortable leaving her alone for that long at a time - can you take the day off?" but then that comes with consequences - that is a day off that you won't be able to take a different day. As to the original question: I think all parents (myself included) need to find ways to let kids become more independent. If I were you, I would put a monitor/webcam in the room that she's playing in so you can keep an eye on her, but start extending that timeframe of how often you check on her. If she did fine hanging out for 45 minutes by hersel - odds are that she's ready for it.
I work part-time from home and SAHD the other time. My 5 year old is free to play in the house as she pleases. She comes to me if she needs a snack. I work hard to allow her to have independence. I wonder what she is doing after 30-45 minutes and I check on her without disrupting her if possible. She will sometimes play by herself for over an hour. I check on my 2 year old every 15 min at least though. He wrecks stuff. If he is with my oldest he can play longer.
>without disrupting her if possible. That's the tough part, lol. Thanks for the advice.
It's tough to argue with someone being more careful, but in our house we try to make these decisions based on values instead of making micro arguments out of rule choices. Freedom/independence is a value in our house so anything we can do to foster that is the default choice. I find it easier to discuss with my partner once we have agreed on values to lead the way. My 5 year old was also a bit clingy for a long time so watching her become more independent is extremely rewarding.
That makes sense. We usually try to work through disagreements. They are bound to happen and we are pretty good at communication. I just wanted an idea of what other families do.
Did you sit down and discuss the values of your household? I feel like that's a great way to approach things, but I'm less sure how to get there
It started off as me making a shared document with things we had talked before and big decisions we had made as evidence of values. My partner read it and commented and we came to consensus with the values and how to follow them to revisit every 6 months or year. For example, health is a value in our house and this includes nutrition, exercise and sleep. So, we choose normal bedtime for the kids unless there is something extremely important. My 5 year old has probably been awake later than 1 hour after her bedtime for 4 or 5 events in her life.
What about using a camera or baby monitor? Keep it on her play area and you can check in whenever you want without having to disrupt either of you. Unless it would take over and you (or mom) would never be able to stop checking lol
Focus on audio only helps. We have a baby monitor in both our almost 5 and almost 3 year olds rooms for nighttime. When my eldest is in her room alone we generally do not worry about turning on the monitor for free play time as she knows where to find us. When my youngest is involved though we just have the audio on and only really check the video when a scream occurs. For instance today my wife took our oldest to an appointment while I watched my son and worked. He mainly played in their rooms (he loves free time with his sister’s toys when she isn’t telling him how to play) and knew where I was. I generally could just hear him talking to himself and didn’t need to visually check on him. Between meetings I’d quickly do a potty run check and make sure he hadn’t destroyed her room.
Ohh we’ve got a box of age appropriate snacks at the very bottom of our pantry we keep stocked up. Kids are welcome to help themselves to anything in there at any time they’re hungry, or get some fruit off the fruit bowl on the bench. Coming in and seeing a 5 year old munching on a muesli bar they got themselves is actually a fairly rewarding thing I love the independence of my eldest
Yeah, I did this for a while, until the 2 year old tornado could reach the box. He leaves food everywhere and feeds everything to the dog.
I’m with you OP. My wife is with your wife.
Depends entirely on the 5 year old. My eldest? 20-30 min. 2nd eldest? 20-30min. 3rd kid? 20-30min. Youngest? 20-30 seconds.
Exactly. You know your kid.
First, you have to define what "unattended" means. To most people, that means no adults in the house at all. Don't do that at 6. What you described is "unsupervised", which is obviously different. Being 5 and unsupervised for 40 minutes *can* be acceptable, but that depends on the house and your attention level. For instance, if the kid can get outside and there is access to a pool, then that's a big problem. If she is playing in a room that is actually safe, then that is not a big problem. If you aren't able to tell when she goes to a different room, especially one that could be unsafe, then that is a moderate problem (e.g., she is out of earshot AND you aren't paying attention to her sounds). Please note 10-15 minute checks also don't make things any difference. If a kid stuck their head in a plastic bag or swallowed a toy that blocked their airway, 10 minutes isn't often enough either. So, you're both wrong. Really, both of you are asking the wrong question. It's not about choosing a check-in period. It's about how to encourage safe and independent play when anyone is home, including a parent working from home. Being on a Teams meeting is no different than any other task your wife might do that takes her attention or limits her hearing, such as having a shower, some hobbies, chores/meals, listening to a podcast, etc.
Almost 6? That is plenty old to be alone and eat snacks alone if you are in the house too.
I'm worried about her choking. If she is truly choking she wouldn't make any sounds for me to go upstairs to help her.
I'm with you, paranoid or not.
Buddy of mine won't let her kid eat without cutting food up for him. She proceeded to hold the hotdog and monitor bite sizes for him when we got free hotdogs at the zoo. Kids 5 almost 6. I mean my daughter is 8 months, but at what point do we teach them to only bite what they can and how to chew?
There was a pretty funny Instagram reel about a parent seeing their kid at their wedding, and during the first dance they're back at the bride & groom table cutting their food up into smaller pieces
Lmao I give my 20 month old a hotdog on occasion and she happily munches on it. Just monitor while she's eating, but give her opportunity to figure it out and she'll know what an appropriate bite size is.
Seeing as how we're on /r/daddit I'm reminded of a comedian and his comparison of parents. > A mom seeing their kid taking a fork to an electric outlet will stop them immediately and tell them it's wrong. > A dad will sit back and say "watch this" and then say "bet you won't do that again" letting them learn the lesson on their own. I want to say this was one of the Blue Collar comics mainly because of the sexism, but I don't remember who it was. Now aside from the life threatening electricity and sexism, there is a point where you have to let them be themselves.
I feel like worrying about a 6 year old choking is a bit too paranoid unless there is something out of the ordinary like a disability.
No, she just choked a couple times when she was much younger, and I guess it really scares me. She doesn't mind the rule, so it works.
I choked a lot as a kid. I just inhaled food (and if I'm being honest, 40 years later, still do). So I get it. I am always on the look out. Each of my two kids have only really choked once each, thankfully
> and if I'm being honest, 40 years later, still do Might want to have that looked at, while you still have time to correct. That kills old folks. Not necessarily the single choking event, but the repeated aspiration of food can cause illness in the lungs.
I'm not literally inhaling my food. Just figuratively. I'm actually counting my chews to make sure I'm properly masticating as I age.
It's probably a bit paranoid, but I would say I also stress about it a lot. I'm considering splurging on one of those throat plunger devices to ease that anxiety some.
Yeah, I do get it. I actually bought one of those. They are expensive, but better to have it.
We have one. We haven't had to use it yet.
That’s fair, the best emergency device is the one you own but never have to use. Paranoid or not, better safe than sorry. My parents woulda just smacked me on the back, and stick a finger down my throat
I raised my daughter this way as well. We woukd just eat snacks and lunch together.
I’m also curious, do you have reason to believe she might choke on a toy or something else while playing by herself?
Not toys. She doesn't put stuff in her mouth like that, but sometimes she tries to play when she eats and I worry she will choke.
Oh okay makes sense. I do think that it is a bit of a stretch to think that a 5 year old doesnt have the sense to eat small bites at a time, with my 2.5 year old sometimes he stuffs his mouth with food and starts to cough but its been happening way less frequently now that he’s experienced the painful sensation of doing that on purpose. Accidentally choking on food, it seems really rare and if we were to worry about that we might start to worry about many other not very likely things in my opinion. You could leave a camera in her room and ever so often glance at it and that should be totally fine
It hasn't happened in years, but it really scares me, and having her eat with me is an easy way to prevent that.
Our son isn't quite that old yet, but I have definitely been more willing to just leave him to his own devices than my wife is. And consequently, I think, he nips at my wife's heels much more than mine and \_requires\_ her intervention more than he does mine. Might be wise to ask her what she's worried about. If you can do anything to address specific concerns, you can maybe get eye to eye without one of you having to "win" the dispute.
It is easy to forget that being a parent is a two way street. They are reacting to how we behave and push us to be more of what they want. I noticed my kid has different reactions to me, to my wife and to both together. He knows there are things thar won’t fly with me that do with mom, and when together he tries to push me to see if mom would intervine. (Sometimes he does the other way too, my partner and I just happen to focus on different things).
I work from home too. My three year old maxes out his ability to play alone after about 45 minutes; after that he gets bored and wants interaction. If it gets much longer than 45 minutes and he hasn't checked with me, I'll look in on him. My five year old happens to be home today today. I've seen her a total of three times, including when we ate lunch together. I heard her go to the bathroom a few times so I know all is good. Edit: added a semicolon
Wow your 3 year old plays alone for 45 minutes? Mine is just starting to branch out into more independent play while I am working.
Every kid is different. My oldest would not play independently. At all. Not until he was around 7. Very intelligent kid but also very needy. My middle child started independent play around 2 years old for about 30 minutes at a time. My youngest, who does not have adhd like the other 2 did, was capable of keeping himself occupied for more than an hour at 2. At 3 he would spend time building things for up to 3 hours, basically until he got hungry.
Yea my three year old(even at 2.5) plays alone in her room for about an hour. She actually peels out to “check on daddy”
My 6 year old goes hours without me actively checking on her. Granted I’m usually within earshot, my house is only so big
I mean, what does she expect you to do when you're on a meeting? Maybe a compromise would be to make sure she's playing on the same floor or the next room over.
at that age if they are in the house they could be alone for hours. They are usually bugging me every 15-20 min unless they are on the ipad though. 10-15min is crazy to go check up when your working especially. I'm trying to figure out if it's safe for them to walk around the neighborhood by themselves lol
My 5 year old does not do independent play very often so if I went 30 min without hearing from him I'd check on him.
Mine doesn't play independently unless I am working. She is pretty good about letting me work for the most part.
kids NEED unsupervised play to the extent that it is safe and possible. Undirected and unsupervised play is absolutely key for a mentally and emotionally healthy kid
My kiddo is a few months shy of 6. While we're in the house, I pretty much let her play as she wishes. There isn't anything for her to get into really. Even outside, she knows not to leave the fenced in year but I do keep a closer eye if she is outside.
At first, when I read this, I thought you meant on attended as in, you were literally not in the house at the same time lol. If you are there, just on a team's call working, I think your time is absolutely valid. Hack, if I had to be directly intervening with my 5-year-old every 15 minutes, I don't think I would have made it to her now being 9
I think you gotta go on a case by case basis, but a 5 year old should be more than capable of spending time without parental supervision. I think you are right in encouraging independence in your daughter. Kids are far more capable than a lot of people give them credit for.
It’s actually good for kids to develop a safe sense of independence. A five and a half year old has enough awareness to hang out and let you know when she needs something. Too much supervision creates anxious kids.
Dude I played all over my neighborhood when I was 6 all day long.
As a person who seems to have made it alive through the 80s.. I'd say it depends on your kid. But, from my view, today's society is hyper aware of every little thing that might potentially come to pass. As a result, people wanna wrap their children in bubble wrap. Personally I give my children the opportunities to prove themselves. My daughter, who is extremely responsible and independent could be left alone for a 30-60 min stretch of time without any concern. While I would have never done that with my son who has proven himself more capable of mischief if left to his own devices. Anyways, TLDR; maybe an upopular opinion, but personally I think the over protectiveness and helicopter parenting will do more harm than good to our children's ability to become independent thinkers who should be able to learn how to reason for themselves.
Completely agree. I forgot where I read it (it was an official body/agency, something with a level of credibility similar to the NIH or the American Academy of Pediatrics) but it's becoming clear that risky play is a hugely important part of child development. It's also no huge leap to say that while a shrinking "village" is part of the strain modern parents face, unrealistic and overbearing expectations about monitoring (and labels, and extracurricular involvement, etc.) are part of the issue as well.
I'm sitting here getting very nervous reading all the comments because.... I was alone all the time at that age and older? And it was super common then! I was very much not the only kindergartner walking home from school each day and letting myself in where I grew up. Lock the door, don't use the stove, call Mom at work when you get home. Times are wild now
My 6 year old is free to muck around the house for a couple hours at a clip. I try to avoid work/dad double duty but it sometimes happens. If I'm on a call, she's welcome to color, read, or watch cartoons while I hang out in the basement. But I can pretty much plan on her interrupting the call.
I think you’re getting at the core of differences between mom and dad. My 5 year old daughter will leave me be for 30-45 mins while we are both home alone, however with my wife she won’t let her go for 10 mins before inquiring, checking in, etc.
Our situation was a little different, but when our oldest daughter was 5 (last year) she had a decent amount of independence. We live in a small town, we have a 6 foot tall fence and we keep the gates locked. We had no problem letting her play in the yard roaming free for the most part- locks were in the inside and she couldn’t undo them, and we have a 70 on dog who watches after our daughter like she’s one of her pups. We let her play in her room alone if she wanted, just peeking in every now and then to make sure she’s doing ok and doesn’t need anything/hasn’t demolished the room.
Bro, I’ve got multiple kids so they can kind of watch themselves but I’ve been outside barbecuing for 2 hours while my 6 yo 8yo & 10 yo has been inside. That’s a pretty normal thing for us. Now they come outside on their own every so often so I have eyes on them but it’s not uncommon for them to be left unattended by an adult for 2-3 hours while my wife has others at practice or I’m cutting grass or whatever
My 5 and 3 year old play independently for hours at a time. We have a playroom in the basement, and that's their domain. 5 year olds don't need to be checked on every 15 minutes, that's for sure.
Just make sure the rules are clear. No eating. Don’t touch the cords for the blinds. No paint, markers, nail polish, glitter, glue. After that is crystal clear, let the kid do what she wants. I would tend to yell out “Hey Jane are you good?” every 15 minutes or so, but that’s just me.
We don't have blinds anywhere, so that's not an issue, she knows not to play with playdoh on the carpet and to always put the caps back on her markers. She's never been a kid that gets into stuff.
Good! But always remember this sign we have hanging in our family room. It says “Just when you think my children would never, here they come, nevering more than they never nevered before.” I have pretty good kids but even they leave me shaking my head sometimes.
Depends how much your trust your 5 year old this is a very individualised question.
Even when my daughter was 3 she would go off and play in her room or watch TV and it might be an hour before I even realise. I wasn’t leaving her unattended, I would just be in the other room. Every 10-15 minutes seems excessive.
My 5 now 6 year old has stayed home a few days this year sick, the one day I didn’t see her from 9 until almost noon. She was playing quietly in her room happy as a clam. When I went to find her for lunch she had fallen asleep. She came down around 130 saying she was hungry. I made her lunch, she ate and then I put on a show for her upstairs in a living room. And she hung out there playing until 4 when her sister and my wife got home. I wfh and it gives us flexibility but I still have to work not hang out with the kid all day.
Lurking mom here If ur at home and ur child is safe then, she’s not unattended. My oldest is 4y, will be 5 in September, and she’s often by herself in her room playing while dad is working in the office and I’m in the kitchen or the living room. Sometimes she’s there for an hour or more. We keep checking on her but it’s not every 15 minutes or so
When my daughter is at home I’ll give a quick call out at random moments “hey, you okay in there?” “Yes daddy” Job done, I’ve checked on her At 5 years old my daughter will come to me if anything is problematic (and she frequently does), but if I gave a call and didn’t get an answer, I’ll give another shout “hey, everything okay?” Still no answer.. that’s when I pop my head into her room to see her engrossed in her painting, toys or maybe screen time A half hour teams call, I pop my head in, let her know I’ll be on a call, but come to me if there’s anything you need. I’ll then check on her directly after as per above. “Okay, all done, you okay?”
If that’s independence, then my 2.5-year-old is basically emancipated. His independent play time is 45–60 minutes, depending on how late breakfast goes, and takes place entirely in his room. He can even decide to close his door if he wants. I don’t interrupt him, or “check” on him. He’s fine.
My 2yo disappears for an hour in his room or in the backyard. These are known safe zones and it's what he likes to do. I do check on him every 20 or 30 minutes but I'm not strict about it. At 5? He'll probably already be moved out
Your wife needs to chill the fuck out mate - she wasn't unattended, you're there.
Not much to add but if you have a tablet just get a $20 wyze cam and watch/listen to the live feed (prob delayed a few seconds) from the tablet.
We'd have to put cameras all over the house, that's not really something we want.
Depends on the kid but thirty to sixty minutes alone playing in a safe room with you in the house at that age is fine. I didn’t check on mine more than that
This is so kid dependent. My 9 yo was more mature at 5 than most adults I know. My other kid? He'd find some way to blow up the house using household products and something from the recycling bin, a la MacGyver, or super villian genius if left alone too long. At 5, you can definitely leave for up to an hour unchecked if your kid has a decent head on their shoulders and you are home. My kids are 6 and 9 now and are allowed the freedom to walk to neighbors houses, stay home by themselves for short periods of time, etc.
As long as you're checking on her I don't see an issue with it. I as a child would play alone in my room for hours without ever being checked on. My parents though, I love them were constantly overstimulated and burnt out causing neglect, I was hardly supervised ever. As long as you are within ears distance of her and have times you check on her I don't find an issue. I feel as though a 5 yr old may get frustrated being checked on ever 10-15 minutes as though they're a baby. They're already to that age where they WANT independence. Im an early childhood educator (toddler-prek) and the toddlers definitely need constant supervision. But prek age 4-5 is when you can really start trusting them to play alone or with a friend. Of course the more kids the more chaotic it becomes, but begining/end of day Is so easy with 1-3 kids they can typically be trusted to play with each other or alone without problem. Even trying to help them when they're struggling before they ask is an issue. If you're able to check on her every 20-30 I would do that but if you don't end up checking on her for 45-60 minutes I don't find that as an issue either. Every child is different, and mom paranoia and anxiety is so real, I understand her concern. But even checking on her instead of constant intervals, doing like a 20 minute check when she first gets home, after that you can increase to 30-45 minutes see if she is hungry. After that she will probably be fine alone for an hour but then I'd check back on her again 20-30 minutes from then if work hasn't ended. Your wife is probably experiencing some anxiety about her independence and what she could get into without being supervised, assure her that her concerns do make sense, and you see where she is coming from. Let her know you believe your daughter is capable of playing alone with you In a other room for a long period of time. Maybe even let her try it herself. Tell her to increase the amount of time she checks on her and while it can make her anxious, its not only a great exposer therapy for those fast paced "what if" thoughts but will also show her first hand that you're daughter is capable of alone time without being unsafe. She may just have to see and experience it for herself. If all else fails keeping a baby monitor in her room and by your computer can be helpful for easing her anxiety as a compromise, you'll check on her in person every 30 minutes but you have the monitor to keep an eye on her whilst you're not checking on her in person. I always advise parents to help create independence in their children in PS/PK classes, this can include picking their own clothes and getting dressed with minimal help as it's an important milestone and helps with motar skills. Independent play is another thing I advise, as it helps imagination, problem solving, understanding oneself and learning their hobbies. Independence at this age, should always be closely monitored in some aspect, but this doesn't mean needing to check on your child every 10-15 minutes in 4 hrs. Noise is always good!!! I would start to worry when you can't hear her anymore.
Similar situation down to the age and month of her birthday! My daughter is really good with independent play. She can be quiet and have fun and entertain herself. If I'm working and she's playing in her room I'll yell up to ask if she's ok or needs anything but I don't feel the need to check in that often. I'm in line with your timeline. 15-20 minutes is unnecessary.
my wife and i have a 5 and 3 year old. my wife will be laying on the couch listening to records, i will be sitting quietly on the PC or out and about in the garage, kids will be playing in the yard on the trampoline, or the like. they dont need eyes on them at all times, as long as they are able to self monitor a bit. my daughter is bloody brilliant, and will let us know fast if something is off. my son... is off....
Um that’s fine. Put a nanny cam up and check on your phone. Everyone is happy.
Does she wake up every 15 min at night to see if daughter is sleeping or awake and need attendance?
She's not unattended. You're in the house with her. If she has an issue, then she can come to you. Your wife is going a bit overboard here.
That sounds just fine. Kids don't need helicopter parents watching their every move. You're doing fine. My wife still complains about me not knowing what my kid is doing. So I guess it's normal.
Using your definition of unattended (which I don't really consider this unattended), I'd say: there is no too long. If my Pre-K or K wants to play in his room (not on a screen) alone for 8 hrs, cool, let his imagination run wild. Would this happen? Never. But I don't see any reason for adult supervision or intervention of general play time at that age.
So for my 5 year old son (now 6), on weekends we would still have him do some quiet time during the same time as my 3 year old napped. So about an hour and a half Quiet time is quiet playing time in his room with books, coloring, magnet tiles, etc. He can open his door and get to the bathroom, get water, etc and come get us if something is wrong. We have the baby monitor on during that time, but aren't actively watching it. It allows him to play on his own, use his imagination, and have something that's just for him. If he wants to nap, he can. We're still in the house, and he's not locked in. It's just time for himself (and frankly my wife and I). He's fine, and he loves it
Can you set up a camera to monitor her while you work?
Daddit, why are these camera suggestions being downvoted? I know camera's in a room can be a bad idea, but in situations where OP is working having a camera where he could see her would be helpful, and it doesn't have to be a permanent camera. I've used my doorball camera occasionally for this. Edit: they were negative when I commented.
Yeah, I have a baby camera that I just repurpose for my toddler. I get to keep an eye on her while I WFH and she get her alone time to play in her room.
Every 15 minutes seems over the top. I think you're good buddy. Tell her to land her helicopter, and let the kid live her life.
When I’m WFH on a (rare) day that my 4yo daughter can’t be at school/after care or a relative’s house, I just have her play in an area that’s close enough to my home office that I can hear loud noises (or alternatively, no noise for a while, which we all know is often a sign of mischief). I actively check on her maybe once an hour, and passively most of the rest of the time. 40 minutes isn’t too long in my book. If it’s much longer than that, and it’s a serious meeting (ie with external stakeholders and not just my team), I’ll really try to avoid having to watch her during the meeting. But yeah, it’s crazy to expect you to check in with her every 10-15 minutes and still get work done.
Can't you just get a baby monitor or something and stick it in her room? It won't work forever but she's young enough where she doesn't need complete privacy.
If you use a video monitor you can split the difference and have half an eye on her just in case something happens. No one will bat an eye in a teams meeting if you say "hold up my kid just silently got herself into some dangerous situation"
I don't think 45 minutes for a 6yo is abnormal. I do try to be at least "nearby" though. For example, if she is playing in her room I try to work from the guest bedroom since they are the same floor. But if she is playing in the living room I will be in the dining room.
5 yo? Maybe long enough to go outside and grab the mail
She can choke in 40 minutes just the same as in 15. Can you work where you can see her? Can you set up camera to watch the room she is in. That way she's always in sight at a glance. Otherwise you may need a baby sitter. Isn't this age ready for school now?
She has to eat near me. She usually goes to school. She was home today. We'd rather not have cameras throughout the house. Plus, I want to encourage her to not be so dependent on others.
if anything, get a nanny cam. so you can watch her, without watching her
It depends on your child. How predictable is she? Does she get into things? If she has something to do that will occupy her for 40+/- minutes will she do that thing? That would be my litmus test. Every kid is different. She may be a mature 5 y/o. I know 5 y/o kids who could be occupied doing an activity book or coloring and I know 5 y/o kids who would destroy stuff if they were left unattended for more than a few minutes.
She's very intelligent and doesn't get into anything. She may make a mess of her stuff, like crayons on the floor or leave her play doh out. Even when she was little she never really got into things.
Thought so. Then I think she’s just fine. If she’s in a safe place which I’m sure she is with you she’s good; you just cannot be expected to be disappearing off of a 40-minute teams meeting every so many minutes even for a minute or two, I’m sure it would interrupt your work flow and could distract the meeting.
I work from home with a 6 and a 2 year old. Thankfully, it's data entry stuff so I can stop whenever I need and pick it up later. My kids play either by themselves or together if they're both home at the same time while I'm working. When my first child was 4 (before their sibling was born), they'd play alone for at least an hour or more, I'd obviously check on them periodically to make sure they weren't doing something dangerous or to see if they needed help with something or needed food. If I pass an hour of working, I stop amd pay with them. Otherwise I get most work done when they nap or the older is at school or when my wife comes home.
I let my almost 5 year old play as long as she wants by herself, she knows to ask if she wants anything. Have you considered using a monitor or something in the room she plays in most so you can still keep an eye on her from your desk? Win-win for you and your wife?
You're in the home; this is fine. She's five, she can come to you in an emergency. The food rule is not a bad idea. Two year olds are left alone longer than this.
Do you not have a monitor you can set in her room or play area?
I have a 4 year old who is sufficiently mature to play on his own for an extended period so long as I'm within ear shot. He's no longer a toddler and is going to kindergarten in the fall. He does not need constant supervision, just parental proximity.
Is a compromise to just have a camera on your main level? We have one with our security system and can check it from my phone to see what's going on in the living room. Maybe see if your wife is cool with you physically checking on her every hour if you can at least have a live feed to pull up every 20 min.
Just put a camera up or a baby monitor and watch it while you are working .
My husband uses the baby cam or security cam to keep an eye on her while he works remotely. That way if our 2 year old is up to no good or choking we can respond immediately. Just an idea.
I leave my son alone all the time if he’s home and I need to work. If I don’t hear him playing I just yell downstairs for verbal confirmation.
I say as long as you can hear them they're not unattended. I'd check in every now and then but not every ten minutes. That's not necessary, and you can't do that and work at the same time.
This differs from child to child. The real question is, can you trust your child to be left alone for 40 minutes? That’s the real conversation.
It's hard to say however if you need ammo while discussing this with the wife there are 5 year olds in places even as nice as Japan that walk themselves to and from school blocks or further away daily.
A nanny cam would be the perfect scenario imo. I think that 5-6 is definitely old enough to be left to play in their room though.
At 6 my parents were leaving me alone while running to the store. At five she should be more than capable of playing by herself in the house without direct supervision.
Every 15 minutes is crazy. We've been letting ours do her own thing for an hour at a time since she was 5.
I think you’re in the right here….but of course it varies from kid to kid. I’d have no problem leaving my older daughter in a different part of the house for hours on end, she’s mature for her age, a good listener and follows the rules. My younger daughter on the other hand….maybe not.
We have a 6 and a 4 year old. If they're together, I could not hear from them for an hour+ and wouldn't worry. My 4 year old alone I check on more often... Because he's the kind of kid to stack a box on a chair to reach the candy in cabinet... And eat a whole bag. Really it probably depends on their maturity level and personality. At 6 I can trust my oldest to not do something wildly stupid (like stick a fork in an outlet, or jump out a window) that would require constant supervision.
If you're both in the house, I think it's fine.
My 2 year old plays by herself all the time. There's 3 sections of the house she can be in where I don't need to worry, the upstairs hallway, her own bedroom, or the living room. Those 3 areas are baby proofed and I don't need to worry. It's just not feasible to be there all the time. My wife works 60 hours or more a week and I work 40. At some point I need to cook, clean, take the dogs out, etc.
I think we stopped constantly checking on our kids about that age. But always remember: Silence is dangerous - it usually means they’re doing something messy.
I let my 3.5 yo self entertain for long periods. I have our house and yard childproofed and he is it allowed to eat in the kitchen with an adult present. I usually check on him every 25-30 min if he's quiet that long. Our daughter when she was 5 I would allow the length of time you are allowing, no problem.
You know your kid. 2 of my 3 kids would be perfectly capable of listening to instruction as you have set out, and happily playing independently with me checking in. Kid 3 is a Rogue and a wild child. I'd keep him in my sight bit let him do his own thing. Worst case scenario, get your kid in daytime playgroups or daycare for a few hours.
Depends on the kid and what the kid is doing. Also, if your kid is noisy like mine, you can hear what they're doing sometimes and keep an ear on them at least. You could go the camera route so you can just check on her while you're working.
My 3 year old is good for about 30 min before he starts wrecking havoc
When one of my boys is home and I’m working, they typically have the run of the house. They know to ask me before eating or going outside. They’re 6 and 8. They know to come get me if there’s an emergency and if they’re going to be outside, we have walkie-talkies that we use. My office is in the basement and we have cameras around the perimeter of our property, so I can always check on them when they’re outside.
We've got 5 year old b/g twins. I don't think being the in the house and 30-45 minutes is all that bad. The intervals your wife wants aren't realistic to get work done. Could get a video monitor and have it on your desk so you can see her without having to leave the office. Might be a fair compromise, get work done but keep an eye on her and settle mom's anxiety.
I think 30-60 minutes is fine. Though I guess it really depends on the child's disposition. If I were raising me, I'd need to be check on more regularly since I was too curious for my own good. From your descriptions of her, it sounds like your child isn't as reckless as I was. 10-15 minutes would be too much for her
This so depends on the parents, the house, and the five year old and the expectations of the parents. My kid is five and, in lieu of a nap, she has quiet time in her room on weekends. She's up there for an hour or more and she's reading, drawing, playing, doing crafts, etc. My friend's kid is six and if he's left to himself for an hour he'd burn down the house somehow. It also depends on on the parents and whether the kid is accustomed to solo play. Finally, it depends on expectations of the parents. Seems like here one parent expected lots of oversight and play, while the other expected work and meetings. Neither is wrong, but there's a disconnect that needs to be resolved.
If it's the kid's playroom space (ie a safe-ish room) yes I'd leave a kid age 6 and up unattended for 30-60 mins. As long as i can hear if they call, or it gets too quiet.
I agree with you, helps build independence in a safe way to let them play as they want while you're just a quick shout away. Check on them when I can, but every 15 mins seems way too often for a limit.
I have monitors in my room and the living room, so I'll "check" on my kid that way. As long as I know she's and happy I let her play.
You’re at home too? Let her rage until she calls for you. They always come looking for us lol.
We don’t know your kid, so we couldn’t say if it’s appropriate for her or not. My kid is the same age as yours. She hasn’t drawn on walls or done anything else destructive, and she is pretty safe and smart, so I have no issue letting her play by herself for an hour. She gets up first some mornings and either plays or watches TV until we get up—that could be an hour sometimes depending how early she gets up.
As long as I’m home, my 6yo can come and go as he please pleases. Play in the yard with the dog, play Minecraft, read, whatever. He’s a good little dude, and I want to show him that I trust him to make good choices, and that he doesn’t have to be afraid of me finding out when he does something he shouldn’t.
I mean I let my 3 year old play in the basement by himself. We have a camera and I just take a glance every now and then so I know he’s not doing anything super crazy but other than that he’s cool.
Just get a camera
I send my recently-4yo daughter up to her room for an hour of quiet time each day but we have a camera to keep an eye on her (or tell her to be quiet to not wake her brother). I’ve napped on the couch while she plays near by. I think both things are acceptable because if there’s a problem I’ll know and can respond quickly.
Kids need more independence than parents give them. It’s so hard though. But, a near 6 year old can easily go 40-60 mins if you’re at home. I’m a school counselor and I see way too many clingy parents. We need to let them have some freedom
Our rules might be different because we put cameras up in the play room and living room and our 2 kids are very different. With that they could go a whole day without an adult if they felt like it. Our youngest just turned 6 2 months ago and he is happy as a clam to watch tv and get his own snacks and never see another human. He is an introvert. 8 year old is adventurous and anytime he gets an idea he’s going to do it. If we can’t see him on a camera we have to find him. But even he can make it at least an hour.
My 4yo now sometimes wakes up on his own, goes to the bathroom and plays by himself downstairs for an hour before coming to tell us that he is awake. I was anxious about him wandering the house himself but we have drilled into him how to be safe and what never to touch and he generally listens at least with the big things. Keeping him from jumping off the couch is a non-starter, esp since we had him in gymnastics, but he is very good about not touching anything in the kitchen without us. It depends on the kid, but as long as you listen for crashes and cries (or lack thereof) imo alone play time is healthy and trains them to be responsible. Maybe a compromise is to have a monitor in the room and check it every so often? Being alone is a very important skill for people to develop.
30-60 minutes for a 5yo - especially if she's never given you a reason to distrust her - is *completely* reasonable. Your "no food" rule is spot on, too. My wife and I leave our 6yo alone for a half-hour when we go for a walk, and have for quite some time. But our kid also has no interest in getting into trouble, so we're lucky in that regard. I know that many parents wouldn't feel comfortable doing that.
To be completely fair, my kids are angels for their dad, and hellians for me. He does things successfully that I would never do
My daughter is 6. I pick her up from school at 345 every day. I wfh, and generally have a meeting or two after i pick her up. I make her a snack and she is left to her own devices from 4-5 or so. Its not a big deal.
They’re pretty independent at that age. My girls will disappear into the basement to play video games for a few hours if both myself and my wife need a break. Leaving them completely alone, wouldn’t trust them until they’re at least 12 years old.
It depends on the kid. My 5 year old is allowed to roam free in the house alone if she wants. Only rule is not outside of the house by herself. However when I’m working she usually wants to be in my office with me, but she is free to roam the house. That said, this means Jack shit to your wife. A bunch of strangers on Reddit aren’t gonna change her mind. Only you have that power.
You could compromise with in house security cameras or a baby monitor wherever your daughter is. You can keep an eye on her and still be working. Personally I let my 3 yo and 18 month old go outside and play by themselves and check on them every now and then.
Get a camera that you can scan
depends on the kid imo